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What if they do ask calmly for something but I cannot give it to them for eg maybe a chocolate or a new toy. Then the whining starts again. What to do then please?
@emmahubbard my 18month old is not yet talking properly and she will always come over and tug on my leg whining and moaning for something (usually food) when I'm trying to make her dinner. It's difficult to know how to teach her not to do this when she can't speak calmly yet. It can be very frustrating and I want to teach and encourage her the right way but as soon as I realise what she is pointing to I give it to her and it feels like I'm encouraging the whining. What should I do at this stage? Please help.
As a former camp counselor I had to train 20-5 year olds on Day 1 not to whine. I improvised. At the first whine, I looked at the child completely😮 confused look on my face. I told them I couldn't understand them, it's like they were speaking another language. (Took a wild guess- what young child doesn't want to be understood?) I asked them if they could speak to me with their other voice. Instant switch back. Rewarded with understanding and relief. No more whiny voice. Repeated when needed.
@@looweegee252 I understand your point but ,dear , there is nothing wrong with constantly learning we are not statues to be stagnant in our ways. We are humans we are constantly learning and adapting subconsciously everyday.
Trying to teach 2 year old granddaughter concept of please and thank you. She quickly took to help, more etc. just adding the please is her line in the sand apparently! So cute both times I heard it though Peeeeez Grampy
It was tough sometimes, but my wife and I made it a point to NEVER give our kids what they wanted if they whined about it. Our answer WOULD NOT change no matter how persistent they were, and sometimes we even told them "the answer would have been yes if you had asked politely." People say we're "so lucky" that our kids are polite and well-behaved, and they can't understand why theirs aren't, while they go right on letting their kids beat them into submission. 🤦
This is awesome. As 20 year old parents, my wife and I did this with our first child. Now she is a well behaved 9 year old. It is hard. But it pays off.
I never got what i wanted as a kid. Despite whining. As an adult, I never ask for help or ask for anything I need. Like I need a ride to the grocery store. Instead, I'll ride my bike on the highway, putting myself in danger. I never ask for anything. I am a depressed anxious lonely adult.
@@BigIndianBindi-jy1czIm sorry to read this! However that is the other extreme. To “never” give a child what they want even if they ask politely seems unfair and harsh.
What helped me the most with raising my children was the book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’. It is honestly a game changer
I don't know how other people think, but when I was watching the video, I quietly said it to myself, it seems work with adults too. Those who know how to complain, and do it relentlessly (Perhaps in a less whiny way), seem to get what they want more often. Most people can't handle all these complaints/noises/interruptions and when it comes to the point where giving them what they want becomes the easier solution, they usually just do that. It really isn't just the kids.
My nephew's mom got trained to keep asking until people give in and give her what she wants. It's horribly irritating to see my mom falling for it again and again and again regardless of how much my mom is aware of the strategy and the problem with it. All the typical trick phrases ("not your circus, not your monkeys", "her failure to plan does not make it your emergency", "no is a complete sentence and you don't need to explain why") don't seem to help, and my mom just keeps reinforcing the behavior. And my mom used to do it because she feared losing access to my nephew -- but he's now adult and living with us most the time, so it's not like that's a factor anymore. We don't need to be that woman's unpaid taxi service, food delivery, or emotional support animal, and she only keeps phoning us because we're the ones who give in. Augh.
This works. I will encourage my daughter to use her “big girl voice”- then I’ll act out what that sounds like (“water, please, mama”) - before I get her what she wants. Now she understands what I expect because I model it and I can now remind her to use her “big girl voice”. It’s a part of a larger connected lesson on what it means to be a “big girl” -using the potty, sharing, eating all her dinner, etc. - and sets expectations of her behavior.
We're on the same page of having high expectations of our toddler's behaviour. Ours align with the expectations we have of ourselves and other adults (and allow a lot of grace for their developing brains). As an adult, it would be demeaning and frustrating if someone insisted that I eat all my food when I wasn't hungry (or I had tried the food and found it disgusting). It's not promoting a healthy relationship with food or the body's natural hunger cues. The "finish your food" mentality was ingrained into many of us by our parents but I think it's worth questioning. So many adults never learned how to eat intuitively by listening to their bodies and intuitive eating is a cornerstone to both mental and physical health for your entire life.
@@decomeout that’s your perspective. My original comment was a simplified three sentence summary. To add more nuance: I can tell the difference between my child not eating out of obstinance or true disgust. She eats three meals a day- I know she is hungry because I know my child. She has to try every food item. She gets small portions and she is expected to eat most if not all and if it’s a new food or something she finds disgusting then she still needs to at least try it. If you went to a dinner party or a different country it would be extremely rude to not finish your meal or to at least try the new food. This is a part of manners. You can learn to eat what you are given. If you get the option to not eat less desirable foods then a child will take it and that is just not an option in my house.
@@decomeout not eating processed garbage, sugar and loads of carbs, a healthy amount of portion control, food literacy, going outside and touching grass and not getting a food addiction is the cornerstone to mental and physical wellbeing, not just “intuitive eating”
You know what's crazy? i'm autistic, and as I watch your videos trying to learn the best ways to raise my daughter, I keep telling myself "Hey, I know that! That's the same advice we give to handle an autistic person". And it's really a constant pattern. I think they are so similar because they all boil down to the same concept: learn to communicate properly with someone who themselves have trouble communicating with other people. Autistic people struggle to communicate because our brains are wired differently than NT people, and children struggle to communicate because they haven't learned to properly communicate yet. Different reasons, but same problem, and same solutions 😊
My nonverbal son hand leads but he doesn’t whine anymore. He is so sweet and cute but I think it’s because I often get what he needs pretty quickly once I figure it out.
The easy situations are when your child wants something you're willing to give them. The harder ones are when the child wants something you don't want to give them.
@@spaghetti1641they want something you're not willing to give them... Has your toddler never been angry at you because you don't let them electrocute themselves?
Absolutely @@ang5798 Firm boundaries and a quick why helps if they're calm. Screaming? No, I'm not letting you scream at me. Come back when you use your words.
You would still acknowledge that they asked calmly but then explain why it's a no and then stand by that no. It's ok for them to feel upset about it being a no, but sometimes it's just not possible to give them what they want and that is ok. There will also be times when they ask calmly and you can give it to them. In those moments you praise them for asking calmly and then give them the item they are asking for.
My two each started whining at age three, and I couldn’t stand it. I said, “What you’re doing is called whining. I don’t like to hear it. I’ll be glad to talk to you when you have your normal voice back.” Always calmly. I know, not as sweet as Emma, but with some reminders, which soon came down to the shorthand, “I’ll wait,” they got over it in a couple of weeks. My fourth-grade students also got nowhere, but usually before I had to deal, another kid would say, “Forget it. That doesn’t work with her.” 😂 Thank you so much, Emma. My kids are long grown and my grands are nearly there, but I still like to read your advice. Your children are lucky, and your advice makes other children become lucky, too, as their parents learn.
Thank you! Will work on this. This issue recently started with my 2,5 year old. Your other videos helped me a lot. So I trust this will work. With your tips I reduced problems , fights , tantrums to almost nothing before. Thanks!
Emma, you are absolutely amazing! I keep thinking of staring a channel to help parents because I'm so passionate about helping parents enjoy parenthood. But then I remember you exist and have probably already made a video saying what I would say but FAR more clearly and concisely. I truly adore the work you do! I almost think watching your videos should be a parenting requirment😅. Seriously, thank you! In addition to everything you said here, I would add that a very effective strategy I've found with whining is modeling. My neices are whiners. If I ask them to use their calm voice or ask nicely or without whining, it works like 1% of the time because Im not their consistent parent. But if I model how they can ask for what they want and wait for them to ask appropriately, they calm down very quickly, stop whining, and ask appropriately almost every time. With my own son, I've modelled appropriate language his whole life. He just turned 3 and was recently assessed to have speech equivalent to a 4 year and 8 month old child. He still whines almost daily (becauae he's a human toddler😅), but with everything you said, plus modeling, he asks nicely, with manners and without whining for what he wants a solid 90% of the time! It makes my life as a mom SO much easier. And when he does whine, I am usually able to calm him down and get him to ask appropriately very quickly. 😁
Agree. I wish all high schools had (a) ongoing therapy services and (b) ongoing parenting and/or child development classes which include practicing saying the advised phrases, etc.
Who would be mandating it and what would or could the total content of such a course be? This is a slippery slope. There are infinite resources like this video out there. Good parents want to learn and will seek this stuff out.
@@AuxiliaryPanther I was a teen parent so I was not looking anything up. I barley had as resources to keep cell phone service absolutely my fault but if the hospital had this in addition to the dont shake the baby videos I think it would be useful for people who would be like my husband and I. And new parents don’t know what to search until they are faced with the situation.
@@Ehlaar I hear you, but what if that same course made it mandatory to teach something that you found morally reprehensible? Mandates are a tricky thing.
As a mother of 7 and parenting expert, her advice is spot on! Some 'influencers' out there have horrible advice. This video is correct. They're the same techniques I've used to raise my seven children (currently ages 8, 10, 14, 17, 19, 20 and 22).
Sure but in all of these examples you gave them what they wanted. My children whine for things they can’t have. Calmly telling them they can’t cut use the big knife to vegetables by themselves or steal their siblings toys isn’t the same.
When you can't give them the item, you would say no and explain why they can't have it. It’s normal for children to whine or get upset, and that's okay. Hold firm on your boundary while offering comfort if needed. Over time, they will understand that your decision is final, and that whining won’t change your response.
Was just going to say this lol, my daughter asks for chocolate first thing in the morning and wants a vitamin multiple times a day (she only gets one per day)
What she said! I had this situation this morning - my toddler asked for his juice in the car but we didn't have it with us. He was sad, and whined almost the entire way to daycare. I told him, I know - it's disappointing to not have your juice. And I even ask him to label his feelings "are you sad?" he usually will calm for a second to say "yeah... I'm sad." And then I tell him, "I get sad too when I can't have something I want. Sorry buddy." And then I let him be sad. It's okay! I'll then show him what I do when I'm sad or disappointed like sing a song, or think of what else I can do, or look at things around me and find something that makes me smile (for us, this morning, my son found an excavator outside and he was feeling much better).
Right? Mine wants to go somewhere, even ater going to 5 different places. Or first thing in the morning, or to a restaurant for dinner every day, or even to a neighbors house who don't have any kids. And constantly whine, doesn't matter how calmy we console, explain, reason with her.
This is a gem . Thank you very much . This is so much needed in this world to make a better place . An art to properly nurture a person to become their best version needs to be spread accross the world
How do I like this video a million times! So proud of myself knowing that I do this with my niece and nephew on only that I tell them "stop that!" slot. So I'm going to download the 8things to say instead. Thank you so so much Emma❤
At least the child in scenario is able to convey what she wants, whine or not. My baby sister couldn't do it as a toddler, not even whine. She basically just screamed for hours every single time she wants something or is unhappy. She also screamed the house down when she gets told what to do. She did not want to talk at all. I asked her recently why she did that and she said that she didn't know how to convey what she wanted but screaming seemed to get the job done. Plus, she realised from age of 3 onwards, that the world did not revolve around her so that's also why she has been emo since age 3. My mother never gave in to her screaming though. Even talking to her calmly didn't work because she wouldn't stop screaming. My baby sister excelled at pushing people's buttons in her toddler years.
My mother taught me that whining adds time. Whenever you whine, you have to wait even longer, because that's not how you treat people. We never got "time outs" it was "go to your room until you're ready to act properly."
Did that with my 2 year old after an hour he still wouldn’t give in. What I have to do is get him to get unfocused off the situation and have him on to something else then I can say ok do this and then he gives in. The trick though is getting his mind off of that and on to something else
@@danmurad8080 Its the same action being taken by the child, but the focus is different and more meaningful. The child can come out of his room in 1 minute if thats how long it takes for him to change his attitude.
1:30 So emblematic of how so many people will just choose to end a bit of annoyance and stress in the present only to sentence themselves to thousands of times of the same. When parents have high time preference, they teach this to their kids also
Hello! Friendly audio tip. You have a lovely lapel mic for good audio but your gain must have been set way too high as much of the audio is peaking and sounds crunchy/painful. So whatever recorder you have it plugged into just needs to have its gain turned down. Ideally it should hit -12 when you speak and you can tweak it in post. But once it hits 0 it loses all data and depth like heard here. Bit overkill but a 32 bit float recorder would allow you to save all audio even if you set the gain too high or low, but to save the money, just turn down the gain :)
Hi! Thank you so much for the helpful tip! You're absolutely right-our audio is normally a lot better, but we made a mistake with this one! We've fixed it for future recordings though, so it should sound much better from now on. Thanks again for taking the time to share your feedback!
My 2.5 year old has been a lot better lately about not whining! The hardest age for this is between the ages of 1 and 2 since their communication/language is barely developed. I found this to be a very challenging age in this aspect. It’s like you have to be a mind reader!
Mine cries every time he asks for anything. Even the first time, every time. We have actually done all of these methods since he was born. Its worked with all of our other children. Not this one 😂
We found we play some shows to teach our kids sign language, and they pick it up extremely fast before they learn to speak, and I find that was a big help for as
I've told my kid I don't appreciate being talked to like that and they can can try again tomorrow in a more respectful way, because it's not happening today. I've also told my kid that if they're interrupting me while I'm getting things done, it's just going to take longer, so they can either help or leave me to finish what I'm doing
I also use the "let's try that again" for my 2 year old. I'll remove him from whatever it is going on and he is upset. Then I give him a bit of time (just a few minutes at most) and ask "would you like to try again?" He calms immediately and says "Yes, I wanna try again" I'd say about 8 times out of 10, he will do much better the second time around and then I reinforce that. But those 2 times where he doesn't, oh well - we can try again another day.
@@nadjak3410 i get what you mean, but the relationship of a parent to child is not at an equal standing for them dictate or control what you need to do. to A fair compromise would be letting them know ahead of time "we're going out soon, you can keep playing for another 10 minutes".
Good video. I have ABA in the household for my older child and it has taught me a few things for my youngest I usually try to redirect with a first-then statement if I am unable to act on a request immediately. Request made- sure I'll get you a glass of water but first can you (insert simple task like fetch me a towel) It gives me a chance to stop what I'm doing. It also makes having your needs met associated with also meeting The needs of others. I've also noticed kids don't really have a good perception of time. I've used the first- then strategy Get my youngest to set a timer on the fridge for 1 minute. Even before she was two she was able to do this. She will patiently watch the numbers tick down and then get what she requested. Now that she's five five I can even set it for 20 minutes for some request without any hassle. I also use first-then for snacks " can I have a cookie?" "Sure you can have a cookie but first you have to go give one to your sister" My child now Will say no Thank you to a cookie if she doesn't have one to share with her sister. If I do have an instance of whining after being denied a preferred item, I directly tell my child that Even if I wanted to give it to them, I could not give them something in while they are in the "red zone" So all I can give them is comfort at this moment. Believe it or not it works. It seems overly technical But it really gets through to my youngest child.
No clue why this showed up in my feeds, since I have no kids, but it gives me insight in the parents in the supermarkets with whining kids. 😊 And who knows, I might need it in the future.
Learning this the hard way with an autistic child and she's really stubborn. I also had to learn not to be afraid to turn the car around. Be consistent with calm and positive reinforcement, but also with consequences. You only have to follow through a few times for warnings to be effective, it's not fun or easy, but it is necessary to get in a habit of setting boundaries. And then you'll more frequently see behaviour that's worth rewarding.
In this situation my toddler would esculate to screaming and having a meltdown after ive asked calmly told him to wait and he wouldn't hear anything else I'd try to tell him. As soon as I get down to his level and say anything at all in a calm voice - he hates it and says nonono. "No upset, no waiting, no here for you, no help!!" The only thing that works for me is to ignore him when he stars whining until i ask him "did you want water" and he says "yes please" and then gets it. this whole talking while your child is upset has never worked for me, it just stirs him more every single time. thoughts?
Depends on age and temperament. I can talk with one of my children even when she's very upset. The other, there's no taking when she's upset. Just makes her more upset. Best thing to do is sit in supportive silence and wait until she asks for help (usually she asks for a hug first).
@@SarahRichardsGraba That's so interesting .. I'm happy to hear im not the only parent.. I feel totally defeated in the 'supportive silence' mode, i just wish there was something i could say to make things better.
@@yuli4ka.w oh yeah totally! I so wish I could say or do something to help in those moments. But really it's just being there so she doesn't have to go through all that alone, you know?
I taught my baby "be patient" and the concept of "first this, then that." For example, if I'm busy doing something and she comes over wanting something, I explain why I can't get it for her immediately. If she starts to whine, I immediately validate what she wants and say something along the lines of, "You want mama to read you a book. Yes. Mama will read you the book, YES. FIRST, mama is going to finish washing the dishes. THEN, YES, Mama will read you the book. Be patient." She will very quickly calm down and skip off to do something else until Im finished. And I MAKE SURE to go back and read her the book when I'm done AND THANK HER for being patient. I thank her all the time when she engages in positive behavior.
Yeah, whining never worked on my parents, nor tantrums or anything. For one, a common sat on my family. (My grandparents and aunts as well) "He/she (the kid) doesn't cry blood" if we whined asking for something, even if it was something my mom was planning to give us. She'll hold out. And not give it. And let us know she would've had had we not misbehaved. And that when we learn to control ourselves she'll reconsider it. Whining, crying didn't worked. God help we try throwing a tantrums. And misbehaving wad punished severely. When I was a kid, it was nowhere near as it is now. I rarely saw kids like that. Now so many kids control their parents.
my son (18 mo) is too young to articulate himself properly yet, so whining is just a way to get my attention and communicate that something is wrong. Once he can ask calmly, I hope we can work on this. But for now at least he understands "just a minute" and will wait patiently for a while until I finish washing my hands or cutting something up to get him what he wants.
This addresses when the parent is okay to give what they are asking for. What about when it’s a firm no after they’ve asked calmly and then go into full meltdown?
You would still acknowledge that they asked calmly but then explain why it's a no and then stand by that no. It's ok for them to feel upset about it being a no, but sometimes it's just not possible to give them what they want and that is ok. There will also be times when they ask calmly and you can give it to them. In those moments you praise them for asking calmly and then give them the item they are asking for.
I have to ask because this is happening often to us. What if your toddler wants YOU, the parent, while you are busy? Most often this happens in our kitchen when I'm trying to get stuff ready for whatever meal. At times, I do get down on his level to understand him and give him time with me, but it's not always possible or I need to get back to what I'm doing and then he's upset all over again. I'm sure it's a pattern we've gotten into or deeper, but would love some help here :) Thank you!!
Great video! Any suggestions how to deal with my 3 year old daughter who wines/cries in the morning saying she doesn't want to go to preschool, but once we get there she immediately gets happy and runs off to play and her teachers say she seems like she's having a good time?
Some things I learned as a parent: Disapprove bad behavoir, encourage good behaviour. Praise them when they deserve it, but only then and not too much or you will create insufferable little princes and princesses. Teach them to never blindly follow anyone and always think critically for themselves. Set a few really clear important boundaries that you will enforce and be more relaxed about the rest. Teach them that Actions have consequences. Never, ever give into whining. Provide them with goals that can they can reach. Tell them they can do it. Instill self confidence. Tell them you're proud when they deserve it. Teach them how money actually works. Teach them never to look up at anybody or look down on anybody. Teach them the value of money, dont just give them everything they ask for. Dont be overly protective but let them play outside, fight, get dirty and discover.
This is the one I was just waiting for. My son is 2.1 now and we have shifted to our in-laws home. And omg he has become just out of control of me. I used to speak with him communicate so well and after some nagging he would understand and get into some other work to stay occupied. These days he just runs away from me and I have become helpless. Couldn't stop him from consuming those candies which he never had and everyone there is exploiting him with those and he is hating to come to me😢. Nagging and constant no all the time
Your in laws are the problem , you need to have a serious talk with them about boundaries and respecting you as the parent or it is going to continue getting worse .
@@shari9721 I know. Even sometimes my husband also tells me I am being too strict. But if I allow one candy then he will get addicted. Moreover he has lactose intolerance also. But they think I am too strict. Yes I have spoken to them once but they most of the times forget what I sd. And since there is another boy from my brother-in-law in the same house so when he gets those things my son is angry with me for being strict and not allowing all this. I am struggling and I have to manage and kp reminding them on a daily basis don't give this don't give that dnt give screen he is alrdy done with that. Etc. 😑. May be they would think I am taking their grandson away from them but I really want him to njoy with them but unfortunately I have to ko checking the whole day in between my chores what is he doing actually. He is showing so much tantrums these days. And whinning on top.
You have to talk to the in laws and set down your rules. He's your son not thiers. So they need to respect your parenting and your rules for him. Don't let them give him candy if you don't give him candy, same with other things. If they're not respecting you and your rules for your son then this will never be solved they are the problem.
I just turn it into a funny situation, which gets them to love me more and laugh as they look forward to me giving them what they wanted without a fuzz
Yes I praise and get excited with my little and let rhem know they are doing great when they ask politely for something. Excellent video for parents and kids to adjust in healthy ways. 😊
I saw this in my feed when this posted and here I am today. I have a 10 month old daughter. My husband has a large family and is way better with some of these things that I need help with. I am trying to figure out how to apply this to her early on. I will look through your past videos. If anyone has any tips, I am all ears. I am a stay at home mom and we are working on communication for using the potty she started sporadically using at 5 months old. She is so attentive. We do watch old Mrs. Rachel songs for littles daily, along with cleo and cuquin and baby first tv color crew.
i’m not quite at the age where my son and I are able to communicate effectively like this. He’s 17 months and whines a lot going “eh eh eh” when he wants something. i say what the item is by name as I hand it to him, but i’m not sure what else can be done to encourage him to use his words rather than whining and pointing for everything.
I would focus on learning to say words at this stage. Don't take it personally if your baby can't speak yet the attempt to communicate thier needs is good enough. I would everyday spend time teaching my daughter how to say words show her the thing and say its name and get her to try to say it.
Hi! At 17 months, it’s completely normal for toddlers to rely on gestures and sounds, like whining, to communicate since they're still learning to talk. The goal at this stage is to model both the words and gestures they can use, which is exactly what you're doing with your little one. As he begins to learn more words, he will naturally start to rely less on whining and more on using language to express his needs.
@@EmmaHubbard I appreciate your reply! I’ve been watching your videos since before my son was born! I was worried that this method of communication wasn’t appropriate for his age, but I’m happy to hear that this is normal. We will keep working on new words every day, thank you!
it's very itneresting to see that the stuff i learned in basic psychology like 10 years ago is still relevant up to now. the whole concept of conditioning and how to use negative and positive reinforcement.
So helpful! I would love to know what to do when the request is something you don’t want to fulfill (ever, not just immediately). If they whine for a very long time and then eventually ask politely, I sometimes feel tempted to cave in even if it’s something I don’t want them to have.
I am confident that Google listens to our conversations. I only watch technical videos this is the first time I am getting this suggestion because I had whining kids around me the whole time yesterday.
Thank you. What happens or what do you do when you do all this but the wining turns to anger and lashing out? I have a 7yr old granddaughter who lashes out physically and angrily no matter what you say or do.
When my boy ask for something we cant give him right away, we ask questions to spare time. Like "what do you wanna drink? Glas or bottle?" Etc. This will stop them from getting whiny while waiting till you have washed your hands. You can even ask unrelated questions for distraction. Works pretty well.
Great tips, thanks. What about with a younger child? My daughter is 8 months old, and whenever we get up to leave her playing with her toys in a safe and enclosed area, she starts crying like crazy because she wants the person to be at arms reach at all times. Just being in the same room is not enough, she cries until you're inside her playground with her. What to do? Cheers from Brazil.
I used to teach the youngest kids at a karate school. If I had a child getting upset in class because I wouldn't let them do whatever, I told the child to go sit down until they were ready to join in. Never took long for them to calm right down and be ready to participate. Had one time when I "yelled" at the mother. Her son was told, no. He started to cry. I told him to go sit down until he was ready to join in. But, his mother came running onto the floor to stop him from crying. I let her know that if she continues to do this, that she was going to have trouble with him. That was the last class her son came to.
I really liked this video. I sent it to my wife. I loved the emphasis on positive reinforcement as i find that is usually more effective for getting the desired behavior but if you read this i have a question. At what age is negative reinforcement appropriate? At some point you have to teach the child if they whine it will have the opposite effect and they will not get what they want. I couldn't imagine telling a 5 year old their feelings are valid as they whine for a drink.
What would you suggest doing in such a situation that your toddler wants a different toy to play with while you're driving, and even after explaining calmly several times, in different ways, that you will give them said toy once you get to your destination, they continue screaming for the entire ride? All I can do is ignore it or try to get everyone singing along with music, but neither makes a difference.
It sounds like you're doing everything right. You're calmly explaining and setting the boundary that you'll give your toddler the toy once you arrive at your destination. In these moments, it's okay for your little one to be upset about not getting what they want right away. You can try to offer distractions, like singing along to music, but if that doesn’t work, sometimes it’s about sitting with their emotions and riding out the frustration. Toddlers are still learning how to manage their feelings, and this is part of that process. Once you arrive at your destination, follow through by giving them the toy as you promised. This will reinforce that you're reliable and that their patience pays off in the end. Over time, this consistency will help them manage their expectations better during similar situations.
@@EmmaHubbard Thank you! Often we don't know if we're doing the right thing as parents, but it's reassuring to hear I'm doing alright. You're awesome, Emma!
_"If you can give them what they want immediately, do it"_ And that is how you reinforce spoiled behaviour. I want something and I get it immediately. The reason we tell them "not now" is because we're busy. They can wait a few minutes. If they whine, you tell them "keep whining and you're not getting anything". They might try their luck and if you stick to it and don't give it, they'll learn not to test your patience and be respectful of your time. They ask normally, they get it in a few minutes. They whine, they get nothing.
I learned VERY QUICKLY that whining was a ‘lose’ for me - the first time it hurt …..there was no second time You trying to reason with a child like an adult, when they haven’t yet developed that part of the brain, is simply INSANE
My mom would have back handed me and said "ask again and you won't get a damn thing!" and I would walk away because I didn't want to get slapped again. I learned FAST AF to ask politely and take "no" for and answer. Something all kids need today.
I've found it helps if I give some examples of what they can say to express their need or desire. They don't have to say exactly what I say, but it just to help them learn how to communicate effectively.
@@Mt4evr I agree, and I like how you're helping them learn what they can use specifically to replace the words that aren't desirable; teaching them a language.
Love this - although what I'm findig it is harder to do for younger toddlers closer to the 1y mark whose speech pathways are substantially less developed. If anybody has any additional tips for that situation woud love to hear them.
Sounds like what a mom would say. They try to justify why the kid isn't getting what they want. As a dad, I say "tough, you are going to have to wait" I do not need to tell them WHY. Or I say, "you do not always get what you want." I do not tolerate whining as a form of communication PERIOD.
For the last step, for neurodivergent kids: Since, withholding X until you get Y is ABA, and ABA is much more traumatic than for neurotypicals, modify this by telling the child you're going to get it for them but how they asked does not make things happen faster, if anything they happen slower because they cannot be understood as fast. Give them the drink and nicely tell them to ask with their normal voice next time. If your child can, they will INTENTIONALLY test this very soon after, to see that it works and how it works. Repeat the praise step and continue. to the therapists about to rip me a new one: YES ABA is very "effective" but of all the studies that created the "gold standard" based on an average of 8 subjects per study, with the mean being 3 in the study, absolutely none of them talk about how this method affects the psyche of the child. ABA was heavily leaned on when us millennials were young and it created a lot of reclusive individuals that don't want to explore or interact anymore because they felt so chastised for "doing it wrong" as a child, even though as a child they did not understand why and now time has skewed their past experience into a mountain of an effort to face and untangle.
THIS. Plus the whole “ABA teaches kids to override their own needs in favor of authority figures’ approval” thing, and creates approval seeking adults. Teaching children to listen to their bodies and feelings instead of what other people TELL THEM their feelings and bodies are telling them is paramount.
@@restingwitchfacetarot605 I recently saw a short that was awesome for N/D I think: “All emotions are welcome in this house. However not all behaviours are acceptable “ as the short version of, “yeah I understand you’re upset, I get it, express it, let it out. Just don’t hit or break anything, and please try not to hurt yourself”
@@EmmaHubbard you’re welcome. Please keep it up. We’ve lost some very successful and longstanding parenting techniques in the name of… whatever the heck happened over the last 10-15 years.
When my kids were old enough to understand I told my kids this point blank: I can’t change my mind now because that will teach you that’s how to get your way. Even if I might have, if you had handled it by making a calm and convincing argument, I can’t give in to whining or tantrums. Sorry.
And even that can be a slippery slope, because you can end up inadvertently teaching them that they have the right to debate you on all your decisions.
Thanks for watching! Don't forget to get your free guide - 8 Parenting Phrases to Rethink & What to Say Instead: brightestbeginning.com/bb_optin/8-common-parenting-phrases-to-rethink/?lead_source=youtube_196
What if they do ask calmly for something but I cannot give it to them for eg maybe a chocolate or a new toy. Then the whining starts again. What to do then please?
Learned very much useful knowledge, thank you.
@emmahubbard my 18month old is not yet talking properly and she will always come over and tug on my leg whining and moaning for something (usually food) when I'm trying to make her dinner. It's difficult to know how to teach her not to do this when she can't speak calmly yet. It can be very frustrating and I want to teach and encourage her the right way but as soon as I realise what she is pointing to I give it to her and it feels like I'm encouraging the whining. What should I do at this stage? Please help.
What do you do if you can’t give them what they want at all? Because it’s not possible or dangerous?
Watching this to learn how to deal with my coworkers.
Always a good idea.
You work in government?
😂😂
😂
Lol 😂
As a former camp counselor I had to train 20-5 year olds on Day 1 not to whine. I improvised. At the first whine, I looked at the child completely😮 confused look on my face. I told them I couldn't understand them, it's like they were speaking another language. (Took a wild guess- what young child doesn't want to be understood?) I asked them if they could speak to me with their other voice. Instant switch back. Rewarded with understanding and relief. No more whiny voice. Repeated when needed.
My husband did this also and it worked!! So I followed suit and she never ended up being a whiner!!
@@shadegarden7375 love it!
😂👏🏼
The real advice is in the comments ✅
Like this
I didn't know how difficult it was to be a mom until I became one. You are learning along with your child.
We have 3 kiddos, 16, 13 and 1. I tell my 16yo all the time that I'm still learning, none of us have been to this point before.
Yeah, it still makes it hard that while I‘m learning how to parent, I can mess up my children
This is why our world is so messed up - you were supposed to be trained by your mother and grandma. You aren't supposed to be learning still.
@@looweegee252 I understand your point but ,dear , there is nothing wrong with constantly learning we are not statues to be stagnant in our ways. We are humans we are constantly learning and adapting subconsciously everyday.
@@Blahsaurus stop making excuses and just be better
Told my 2 year old to say "please help" now I hear it 5000 times a day
@@Speshulsawce I love this! Thank you!
❤️
Same here 😂
Lmfao this happened to me this week and I can't stop snickering at it 🤣
Trying to teach 2 year old granddaughter concept of please and thank you. She quickly took to help, more etc. just adding the please is her line in the sand apparently! So cute both times I heard it though Peeeeez Grampy
There are 30 year olds that never learned whining isn't how you're supposed to communicate.
I'm relearning myself 😅
If they act like a toddler, respectfully talk to them as such! I bet they begin to think before they act/speak.
One of em bro 😂...
@@JohnStrong-fd8lq well you know what they say!?! Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery! 😄 😏 🙏
There's a 78-yer-old who does that too.
It was tough sometimes, but my wife and I made it a point to NEVER give our kids what they wanted if they whined about it. Our answer WOULD NOT change no matter how persistent they were, and sometimes we even told them "the answer would have been yes if you had asked politely."
People say we're "so lucky" that our kids are polite and well-behaved, and they can't understand why theirs aren't, while they go right on letting their kids beat them into submission. 🤦
This is awesome. As 20 year old parents, my wife and I did this with our first child. Now she is a well behaved 9 year old. It is hard. But it pays off.
I never got what i wanted as a kid. Despite whining. As an adult, I never ask for help or ask for anything I need. Like I need a ride to the grocery store. Instead, I'll ride my bike on the highway, putting myself in danger. I never ask for anything. I am a depressed anxious lonely adult.
Yeah, same here... So "lucky"! 😂
Good for you I guess@@BigIndianBindi-jy1cz
@@BigIndianBindi-jy1czIm sorry to read this! However that is the other extreme. To “never” give a child what they want even if they ask politely seems unfair and harsh.
What helped me the most with raising my children was the book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’. It is honestly a game changer
No Comments?
But what If I'd prefer to raise little atheists?
@@lunakoala5053 then get ready to see the results of your choice.
I guess you’re raising whiners lol
@@lunakoala5053 get ready for the consequences
When toddler start with tantrums immediately stop what you are doing and run for your life. Keep calm while you are running
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Lmaoo 😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂😂
That's my supporting husband
I don't know how other people think, but when I was watching the video, I quietly said it to myself, it seems work with adults too. Those who know how to complain, and do it relentlessly (Perhaps in a less whiny way), seem to get what they want more often. Most people can't handle all these complaints/noises/interruptions and when it comes to the point where giving them what they want becomes the easier solution, they usually just do that. It really isn't just the kids.
Most people have the emotional intelligence of toddlers, unfortunately.
My nephew's mom got trained to keep asking until people give in and give her what she wants. It's horribly irritating to see my mom falling for it again and again and again regardless of how much my mom is aware of the strategy and the problem with it. All the typical trick phrases ("not your circus, not your monkeys", "her failure to plan does not make it your emergency", "no is a complete sentence and you don't need to explain why") don't seem to help, and my mom just keeps reinforcing the behavior.
And my mom used to do it because she feared losing access to my nephew -- but he's now adult and living with us most the time, so it's not like that's a factor anymore. We don't need to be that woman's unpaid taxi service, food delivery, or emotional support animal, and she only keeps phoning us because we're the ones who give in. Augh.
That’s because acting like a child vs acting like an adult is a false dichotomy. We’re all human, which is why these tips apply to people of all ages.
Think you just discovered how modern day "Karens" are created.
Realizing that operant conditioning works on every living thing regardless of age, intelligence, or species is a superpower.
I'm spending Christmas with my family and watching this is helping deal with my 39 year old Brother in law! Thanks a lot Emma. You're a holiday saver.
This works. I will encourage my daughter to use her “big girl voice”- then I’ll act out what that sounds like (“water, please, mama”) - before I get her what she wants. Now she understands what I expect because I model it and I can now remind her to use her “big girl voice”. It’s a part of a larger connected lesson on what it means to be a “big girl” -using the potty, sharing, eating all her dinner, etc. - and sets expectations of her behavior.
This all sounds great but I paused at "eating all her dinner." What if she's genuinely not hungry?
@@decomeout that’s your personal decision
We're on the same page of having high expectations of our toddler's behaviour. Ours align with the expectations we have of ourselves and other adults (and allow a lot of grace for their developing brains). As an adult, it would be demeaning and frustrating if someone insisted that I eat all my food when I wasn't hungry (or I had tried the food and found it disgusting). It's not promoting a healthy relationship with food or the body's natural hunger cues. The "finish your food" mentality was ingrained into many of us by our parents but I think it's worth questioning. So many adults never learned how to eat intuitively by listening to their bodies and intuitive eating is a cornerstone to both mental and physical health for your entire life.
@@decomeout that’s your perspective. My original comment was a simplified three sentence summary. To add more nuance: I can tell the difference between my child not eating out of obstinance or true disgust. She eats three meals a day- I know she is hungry because I know my child. She has to try every food item. She gets small portions and she is expected to eat most if not all and if it’s a new food or something she finds disgusting then she still needs to at least try it. If you went to a dinner party or a different country it would be extremely rude to not finish your meal or to at least try the new food. This is a part of manners. You can learn to eat what you are given. If you get the option to not eat less desirable foods then a child will take it and that is just not an option in my house.
@@decomeout not eating processed garbage, sugar and loads of carbs, a healthy amount of portion control, food literacy, going outside and touching grass and not getting a food addiction is the cornerstone to mental and physical wellbeing, not just “intuitive eating”
I bet Bandit and Chili listened to this lady a lot. She has solid advice, advice that I needed.
Nah, this lady listened to Chili and Bandit.
It’s like my phone heard my 2 year old flipping her lid about I don’t even know what…
Good reminders thank you.
You know what's crazy? i'm autistic, and as I watch your videos trying to learn the best ways to raise my daughter, I keep telling myself "Hey, I know that! That's the same advice we give to handle an autistic person". And it's really a constant pattern. I think they are so similar because they all boil down to the same concept: learn to communicate properly with someone who themselves have trouble communicating with other people. Autistic people struggle to communicate because our brains are wired differently than NT people, and children struggle to communicate because they haven't learned to properly communicate yet. Different reasons, but same problem, and same solutions 😊
Love this insight.
It's also how you handle most adults in work situations too.
Thanks so much for sharing!❤️
My nonverbal son hand leads but he doesn’t whine anymore. He is so sweet and cute but I think it’s because I often get what he needs pretty quickly once I figure it out.
i'm autistic and i don't know how i feel about being compared to/treated like a toddler 😅
Thanks!
Thank you so much!
The easy situations are when your child wants something you're willing to give them. The harder ones are when the child wants something you don't want to give them.
Or you can figure out what they want.
@@spaghetti1641they want something you're not willing to give them... Has your toddler never been angry at you because you don't let them electrocute themselves?
Absolutely @@ang5798
Firm boundaries and a quick why helps if they're calm. Screaming? No, I'm not letting you scream at me. Come back when you use your words.
@@ang5798 I feel like they meant to write can't lol but of course I can be sure
You would still acknowledge that they asked calmly but then explain why it's a no and then stand by that no. It's ok for them to feel upset about it being a no, but sometimes it's just not possible to give them what they want and that is ok.
There will also be times when they ask calmly and you can give it to them. In those moments you praise them for asking calmly and then give them the item they are asking for.
My two each started whining at age three, and I couldn’t stand it. I said, “What you’re doing is called whining. I don’t like to hear it. I’ll be glad to talk to you when you have your normal voice back.” Always calmly. I know, not as sweet as Emma, but with some reminders, which soon came down to the shorthand, “I’ll wait,” they got over it in a couple of weeks. My fourth-grade students also got nowhere, but usually before I had to deal, another kid would say, “Forget it. That doesn’t work with her.” 😂
Thank you so much, Emma. My kids are long grown and my grands are nearly there, but I still like to read your advice. Your children are lucky, and your advice makes other children become lucky, too, as their parents learn.
I'll have to try this. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you! Will work on this. This issue recently started with my 2,5 year old. Your other videos helped me a lot. So I trust this will work. With your tips I reduced problems , fights , tantrums to almost nothing before. Thanks!
I am learning so much from you. Though I don’t have any kids, I am taking notes for the time I will. Thank you for all the advices!
No worries! So good that you are getting prepared now!
Emma, you are absolutely amazing! I keep thinking of staring a channel to help parents because I'm so passionate about helping parents enjoy parenthood. But then I remember you exist and have probably already made a video saying what I would say but FAR more clearly and concisely. I truly adore the work you do! I almost think watching your videos should be a parenting requirment😅. Seriously, thank you!
In addition to everything you said here, I would add that a very effective strategy I've found with whining is modeling.
My neices are whiners. If I ask them to use their calm voice or ask nicely or without whining, it works like 1% of the time because Im not their consistent parent. But if I model how they can ask for what they want and wait for them to ask appropriately, they calm down very quickly, stop whining, and ask appropriately almost every time.
With my own son, I've modelled appropriate language his whole life. He just turned 3 and was recently assessed to have speech equivalent to a 4 year and 8 month old child. He still whines almost daily (becauae he's a human toddler😅), but with everything you said, plus modeling, he asks nicely, with manners and without whining for what he wants a solid 90% of the time! It makes my life as a mom SO much easier. And when he does whine, I am usually able to calm him down and get him to ask appropriately very quickly. 😁
this should be a mandatory course
Agree. I wish all high schools had (a) ongoing therapy services and (b) ongoing parenting and/or child development classes which include practicing saying the advised phrases, etc.
Who would be mandating it and what would or could the total content of such a course be? This is a slippery slope. There are infinite resources like this video out there. Good parents want to learn and will seek this stuff out.
@@AuxiliaryPanther I was a teen parent so I was not looking anything up. I barley had as resources to keep cell phone service absolutely my fault but if the hospital had this in addition to the dont shake the baby videos I think it would be useful for people who would be like my husband and I. And new parents don’t know what to search until they are faced with the situation.
@@Ehlaar I hear you, but what if that same course made it mandatory to teach something that you found morally reprehensible? Mandates are a tricky thing.
@@AuxiliaryPanther you’re absolutely right maybe hospitals should just offer it
As a mother of 7 and parenting expert, her advice is spot on! Some 'influencers' out there have horrible advice. This video is correct. They're the same techniques I've used to raise my seven children (currently ages 8, 10, 14, 17, 19, 20 and 22).
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Goals. Perfect timing, as I need this. I have trained my children SO well to whine 🫣😅😭
You have helped me massively as a new mum
It’s hard being a parent, so I am so glad I have been able to help you in some way.
Sure but in all of these examples you gave them what they wanted. My children whine for things they can’t have. Calmly telling them they can’t cut use the big knife to vegetables by themselves or steal their siblings toys isn’t the same.
When you can't give them the item, you would say no and explain why they can't have it. It’s normal for children to whine or get upset, and that's okay. Hold firm on your boundary while offering comfort if needed. Over time, they will understand that your decision is final, and that whining won’t change your response.
Was just going to say this lol, my daughter asks for chocolate first thing in the morning and wants a vitamin multiple times a day (she only gets one per day)
What she said! I had this situation this morning - my toddler asked for his juice in the car but we didn't have it with us. He was sad, and whined almost the entire way to daycare. I told him, I know - it's disappointing to not have your juice. And I even ask him to label his feelings "are you sad?" he usually will calm for a second to say "yeah... I'm sad." And then I tell him, "I get sad too when I can't have something I want. Sorry buddy." And then I let him be sad. It's okay! I'll then show him what I do when I'm sad or disappointed like sing a song, or think of what else I can do, or look at things around me and find something that makes me smile (for us, this morning, my son found an excavator outside and he was feeling much better).
Right? Mine wants to go somewhere, even ater going to 5 different places. Or first thing in the morning, or to a restaurant for dinner every day, or even to a neighbors house who don't have any kids. And constantly whine, doesn't matter how calmy we console, explain, reason with her.
This is a gem . Thank you very much . This is so much needed in this world to make a better place . An art to properly nurture a person to become their best version needs to be spread accross the world
Gonna have to implement this with my PreKinder class. Not really for whining but for rudely demanding things.
How do I like this video a million times! So proud of myself knowing that I do this with my niece and nephew on only that I tell them "stop that!" slot. So I'm going to download the 8things to say instead. Thank you so so much Emma❤
At least the child in scenario is able to convey what she wants, whine or not. My baby sister couldn't do it as a toddler, not even whine. She basically just screamed for hours every single time she wants something or is unhappy. She also screamed the house down when she gets told what to do. She did not want to talk at all. I asked her recently why she did that and she said that she didn't know how to convey what she wanted but screaming seemed to get the job done. Plus, she realised from age of 3 onwards, that the world did not revolve around her so that's also why she has been emo since age 3. My mother never gave in to her screaming though. Even talking to her calmly didn't work because she wouldn't stop screaming. My baby sister excelled at pushing people's buttons in her toddler years.
wow, thank goodness she grew out of it then!
My mother taught me that whining adds time. Whenever you whine, you have to wait even longer, because that's not how you treat people.
We never got "time outs" it was "go to your room until you're ready to act properly."
That is a timeout though.
Did that with my 2 year old after an hour he still wouldn’t give in. What I have to do is get him to get unfocused off the situation and have him on to something else then I can say ok do this and then he gives in. The trick though is getting his mind off of that and on to something else
@@danmurad8080 Its the same action being taken by the child, but the focus is different and more meaningful. The child can come out of his room in 1 minute if thats how long it takes for him to change his attitude.
1:30 So emblematic of how so many people will just choose to end a bit of annoyance and stress in the present only to sentence themselves to thousands of times of the same. When parents have high time preference, they teach this to their kids also
Yeah, that's the decision they're making. But most of the time they just do not know or accept it as fact.
I really enjoy your videos. Thank you so much!! My baby girl is 13 months today!
Thanks so much!
Happy 13 Months!
They are 16 months twin..I find it difficult to get the boy to sleep 💤😅
Hello!
Friendly audio tip. You have a lovely lapel mic for good audio but your gain must have been set way too high as much of the audio is peaking and sounds crunchy/painful. So whatever recorder you have it plugged into just needs to have its gain turned down. Ideally it should hit -12 when you speak and you can tweak it in post. But once it hits 0 it loses all data and depth like heard here.
Bit overkill but a 32 bit float recorder would allow you to save all audio even if you set the gain too high or low, but to save the money, just turn down the gain :)
Hi!
Thank you so much for the helpful tip! You're absolutely right-our audio is normally a lot better, but we made a mistake with this one! We've fixed it for future recordings though, so it should sound much better from now on.
Thanks again for taking the time to share your feedback!
My 2.5 year old has been a lot better lately about not whining! The hardest age for this is between the ages of 1 and 2 since their communication/language is barely developed. I found this to be a very challenging age in this aspect. It’s like you have to be a mind reader!
I have a 1,5 year old and yeah... It's hard 😢
Mine cries every time he asks for anything. Even the first time, every time. We have actually done all of these methods since he was born. Its worked with all of our other children. Not this one 😂
We found we play some shows to teach our kids sign language, and they pick it up extremely fast before they learn to speak, and I find that was a big help for as
I've told my kid I don't appreciate being talked to like that and they can can try again tomorrow in a more respectful way, because it's not happening today.
I've also told my kid that if they're interrupting me while I'm getting things done, it's just going to take longer, so they can either help or leave me to finish what I'm doing
But will you let your child finish playing when you want to get out of the house immediately? No?
I also use the "let's try that again" for my 2 year old. I'll remove him from whatever it is going on and he is upset. Then I give him a bit of time (just a few minutes at most) and ask "would you like to try again?" He calms immediately and says "Yes, I wanna try again"
I'd say about 8 times out of 10, he will do much better the second time around and then I reinforce that. But those 2 times where he doesn't, oh well - we can try again another day.
@@nadjak3410 i get what you mean, but the relationship of a parent to child is not at an equal standing for them dictate or control what you need to do. to A fair compromise would be letting them know ahead of time "we're going out soon, you can keep playing for another 10 minutes".
I feel sorry for your kid. Your snippy little comebacks to your child are rude and dismissive.
Good video. I have ABA in the household for my older child and it has taught me a few things for my youngest
I usually try to redirect with a first-then statement if I am unable to act on a request immediately. Request made- sure I'll get you a glass of water but first can you (insert simple task like fetch me a towel) It gives me a chance to stop what I'm doing. It also makes having your needs met associated with also meeting The needs of others.
I've also noticed kids don't really have a good perception of time. I've used the first- then strategy Get my youngest to set a timer on the fridge for 1 minute. Even before she was two she was able to do this. She will patiently watch the numbers tick down and then get what she requested. Now that she's five five I can even set it for 20 minutes for some request without any hassle.
I also use first-then for snacks " can I have a cookie?" "Sure you can have a cookie but first you have to go give one to your sister" My child now Will say no Thank you to a cookie if she doesn't have one to share with her sister.
If I do have an instance of whining after being denied a preferred item, I directly tell my child that Even if I wanted to give it to them, I could not give them something in while they are in the "red zone" So all I can give them is comfort at this moment. Believe it or not it works. It seems overly technical But it really gets through to my youngest child.
No clue why this showed up in my feeds, since I have no kids, but it gives me insight in the parents in the supermarkets with whining kids. 😊 And who knows, I might need it in the future.
Learning this the hard way with an autistic child and she's really stubborn. I also had to learn not to be afraid to turn the car around. Be consistent with calm and positive reinforcement, but also with consequences. You only have to follow through a few times for warnings to be effective, it's not fun or easy, but it is necessary to get in a habit of setting boundaries. And then you'll more frequently see behaviour that's worth rewarding.
In this situation my toddler would esculate to screaming and having a meltdown after ive asked calmly told him to wait and he wouldn't hear anything else I'd try to tell him. As soon as I get down to his level and say anything at all in a calm voice - he hates it and says nonono. "No upset, no waiting, no here for you, no help!!" The only thing that works for me is to ignore him when he stars whining until i ask him "did you want water" and he says "yes please" and then gets it. this whole talking while your child is upset has never worked for me, it just stirs him more every single time. thoughts?
Same with mine. It's normal, don't worry.
Prob depends on age I wonder when to do this and when not to good point love the video and the comments
Depends on age and temperament. I can talk with one of my children even when she's very upset. The other, there's no taking when she's upset. Just makes her more upset. Best thing to do is sit in supportive silence and wait until she asks for help (usually she asks for a hug first).
@@SarahRichardsGraba That's so interesting .. I'm happy to hear im not the only parent.. I feel totally defeated in the 'supportive silence' mode, i just wish there was something i could say to make things better.
@@yuli4ka.w oh yeah totally! I so wish I could say or do something to help in those moments. But really it's just being there so she doesn't have to go through all that alone, you know?
I taught my baby "be patient" and the concept of "first this, then that." For example, if I'm busy doing something and she comes over wanting something, I explain why I can't get it for her immediately. If she starts to whine, I immediately validate what she wants and say something along the lines of, "You want mama to read you a book. Yes. Mama will read you the book, YES. FIRST, mama is going to finish washing the dishes. THEN, YES, Mama will read you the book. Be patient." She will very quickly calm down and skip off to do something else until Im finished. And I MAKE SURE to go back and read her the book when I'm done AND THANK HER for being patient. I thank her all the time when she engages in positive behavior.
I knew this already but why couldn’t I remember it!!! Omg thank you so much!
Yeah, whining never worked on my parents, nor tantrums or anything. For one, a common sat on my family. (My grandparents and aunts as well) "He/she (the kid) doesn't cry blood" if we whined asking for something, even if it was something my mom was planning to give us. She'll hold out. And not give it. And let us know she would've had had we not misbehaved. And that when we learn to control ourselves she'll reconsider it. Whining, crying didn't worked. God help we try throwing a tantrums. And misbehaving wad punished severely.
When I was a kid, it was nowhere near as it is now. I rarely saw kids like that. Now so many kids control their parents.
It's so nice watching them learn to communicate
my son (18 mo) is too young to articulate himself properly yet, so whining is just a way to get my attention and communicate that something is wrong. Once he can ask calmly, I hope we can work on this. But for now at least he understands "just a minute" and will wait patiently for a while until I finish washing my hands or cutting something up to get him what he wants.
This addresses when the parent is okay to give what they are asking for. What about when it’s a firm no after they’ve asked calmly and then go into full meltdown?
You would still acknowledge that they asked calmly but then explain why it's a no and then stand by that no. It's ok for them to feel upset about it being a no, but sometimes it's just not possible to give them what they want and that is ok.
There will also be times when they ask calmly and you can give it to them. In those moments you praise them for asking calmly and then give them the item they are asking for.
I have to ask because this is happening often to us. What if your toddler wants YOU, the parent, while you are busy? Most often this happens in our kitchen when I'm trying to get stuff ready for whatever meal. At times, I do get down on his level to understand him and give him time with me, but it's not always possible or I need to get back to what I'm doing and then he's upset all over again. I'm sure it's a pattern we've gotten into or deeper, but would love some help here :) Thank you!!
Great video! Any suggestions how to deal with my 3 year old daughter who wines/cries in the morning saying she doesn't want to go to preschool, but once we get there she immediately gets happy and runs off to play and her teachers say she seems like she's having a good time?
Some things I learned as a parent: Disapprove bad behavoir, encourage good behaviour.
Praise them when they deserve it, but only then and not too much or you will create insufferable little princes and princesses.
Teach them to never blindly follow anyone and always think critically for themselves.
Set a few really clear important boundaries that you will enforce and be more relaxed about the rest.
Teach them that Actions have consequences.
Never, ever give into whining.
Provide them with goals that can they can reach.
Tell them they can do it. Instill self confidence.
Tell them you're proud when they deserve it.
Teach them how money actually works.
Teach them never to look up at anybody or look down on anybody.
Teach them the value of money, dont just give them everything they ask for. Dont be overly protective but let them play outside, fight, get dirty and discover.
This is the one I was just waiting for. My son is 2.1 now and we have shifted to our in-laws home. And omg he has become just out of control of me. I used to speak with him communicate so well and after some nagging he would understand and get into some other work to stay occupied. These days he just runs away from me and I have become helpless. Couldn't stop him from consuming those candies which he never had and everyone there is exploiting him with those and he is hating to come to me😢. Nagging and constant no all the time
Sorry to hear you're going through that. I hope this helps s little!
Your in laws are the problem , you need to have a serious talk with them about boundaries and respecting you as the parent or it is going to continue getting worse .
@@shari9721 I know. Even sometimes my husband also tells me I am being too strict. But if I allow one candy then he will get addicted. Moreover he has lactose intolerance also. But they think I am too strict. Yes I have spoken to them once but they most of the times forget what I sd. And since there is another boy from my brother-in-law in the same house so when he gets those things my son is angry with me for being strict and not allowing all this. I am struggling and I have to manage and kp reminding them on a daily basis don't give this don't give that dnt give screen he is alrdy done with that. Etc. 😑. May be they would think I am taking their grandson away from them but I really want him to njoy with them but unfortunately I have to ko checking the whole day in between my chores what is he doing actually. He is showing so much tantrums these days. And whinning on top.
@@shari9721that combined with the terrible two's... Aim for quiet consistency. And get the candy put in a cabinet on a high shelf. 😉
You have to talk to the in laws and set down your rules. He's your son not thiers. So they need to respect your parenting and your rules for him. Don't let them give him candy if you don't give him candy, same with other things. If they're not respecting you and your rules for your son then this will never be solved they are the problem.
I just turn it into a funny situation, which gets them to love me more and laugh as they look forward to me giving them what they wanted without a fuzz
Babies are cute beans. Im tired but happy
Very cute. But exhausting at times!
Yes I praise and get excited with my little and let rhem know they are doing great when they ask politely for something. Excellent video for parents and kids to adjust in healthy ways. 😊
So good you are already doing the most important step!
They have negatively reinforced YOU. A- child whines B. You get their drink C - whining stops for you
I saw this in my feed when this posted and here I am today. I have a 10 month old daughter. My husband has a large family and is way better with some of these things that I need help with. I am trying to figure out how to apply this to her early on. I will look through your past videos. If anyone has any tips, I am all ears. I am a stay at home mom and we are working on communication for using the potty she started sporadically using at 5 months old. She is so attentive. We do watch old Mrs. Rachel songs for littles daily, along with cleo and cuquin and baby first tv color crew.
love it! Positive reinforcement is the best but not the easy to figure out yourselt. this vid is super clear.
What about 1-2 years olds who don't yet have the communication skills for this level yet?
Thank you for your vids!❤️❤️❤️
When I was a kid, if I whined, my parents just dropped kicked me into the following day. 😂 A little percussive psychology straightened me right out. ❤
This is what I need 🙏❤
Great advice, thank you for your parenting tips.
It’s my pleasure!
Great Advice! thanks!
Glad it was helpful!
i’m not quite at the age where my son and I are able to communicate effectively like this. He’s 17 months and whines a lot going “eh eh eh” when he wants something. i say what the item is by name as I hand it to him, but i’m not sure what else can be done to encourage him to use his words rather than whining and pointing for everything.
This is where we are at, too.
I would focus on learning to say words at this stage. Don't take it personally if your baby can't speak yet the attempt to communicate thier needs is good enough. I would everyday spend time teaching my daughter how to say words show her the thing and say its name and get her to try to say it.
Hi! At 17 months, it’s completely normal for toddlers to rely on gestures and sounds, like whining, to communicate since they're still learning to talk.
The goal at this stage is to model both the words and gestures they can use, which is exactly what you're doing with your little one. As he begins to learn more words, he will naturally start to rely less on whining and more on using language to express his needs.
@@EmmaHubbard I appreciate your reply! I’ve been watching your videos since before my son was born! I was worried that this method of communication wasn’t appropriate for his age, but I’m happy to hear that this is normal. We will keep working on new words every day, thank you!
Thank you for straight forward videos.
it's very itneresting to see that the stuff i learned in basic psychology like 10 years ago is still relevant up to now. the whole concept of conditioning and how to use negative and positive reinforcement.
So helpful! I would love to know what to do when the request is something you don’t want to fulfill (ever, not just immediately). If they whine for a very long time and then eventually ask politely, I sometimes feel tempted to cave in even if it’s something I don’t want them to have.
I would think we already know how to do that as we never let them run in front of a car etc. Just do it lie that was the option 😂
Thanks Emma ❤
No problem 😊
I am confident that Google listens to our conversations. I only watch technical videos this is the first time I am getting this suggestion because I had whining kids around me the whole time yesterday.
This is Appropriate For Many Adults Too Sadly Enough😢
Thank you. What happens or what do you do when you do all this but the wining turns to anger and lashing out? I have a 7yr old granddaughter who lashes out physically and angrily no matter what you say or do.
That is true, Childs are clever and expert in figuring out patterns what works for them right from the birth.
I don’t even had a kid 😂Is UA-cam trying to tell me it’s time with this recommendation 😂Great video
When my boy ask for something we cant give him right away, we ask questions to spare time. Like "what do you wanna drink? Glas or bottle?" Etc. This will stop them from getting whiny while waiting till you have washed your hands. You can even ask unrelated questions for distraction. Works pretty well.
Great advice!
Thank you for this Video!
No worries!
Great tips, thanks. What about with a younger child? My daughter is 8 months old, and whenever we get up to leave her playing with her toys in a safe and enclosed area, she starts crying like crazy because she wants the person to be at arms reach at all times. Just being in the same room is not enough, she cries until you're inside her playground with her. What to do? Cheers from Brazil.
I used to teach the youngest kids at a karate school. If I had a child getting upset in class because I wouldn't let them do whatever, I told the child to go sit down until they were ready to join in. Never took long for them to calm right down and be ready to participate.
Had one time when I "yelled" at the mother. Her son was told, no. He started to cry. I told him to go sit down until he was ready to join in.
But, his mother came running onto the floor to stop him from crying.
I let her know that if she continues to do this, that she was going to have trouble with him. That was the last class her son came to.
I really liked this video. I sent it to my wife. I loved the emphasis on positive reinforcement as i find that is usually more effective for getting the desired behavior but if you read this i have a question. At what age is negative reinforcement appropriate? At some point you have to teach the child if they whine it will have the opposite effect and they will not get what they want. I couldn't imagine telling a 5 year old their feelings are valid as they whine for a drink.
This is the part where I revert to my moms level of patience 🤣
1:15 This is where I say, "Hush! I just told you I'll get you a drink in a minute!"
Now I'll watch and see what you recommend.
omg did you read my mind? I needed this video
Hopefully it helps!
What would you suggest doing in such a situation that your toddler wants a different toy to play with while you're driving, and even after explaining calmly several times, in different ways, that you will give them said toy once you get to your destination, they continue screaming for the entire ride? All I can do is ignore it or try to get everyone singing along with music, but neither makes a difference.
It sounds like you're doing everything right. You're calmly explaining and setting the boundary that you'll give your toddler the toy once you arrive at your destination.
In these moments, it's okay for your little one to be upset about not getting what they want right away. You can try to offer distractions, like singing along to music, but if that doesn’t work, sometimes it’s about sitting with their emotions and riding out the frustration. Toddlers are still learning how to manage their feelings, and this is part of that process.
Once you arrive at your destination, follow through by giving them the toy as you promised. This will reinforce that you're reliable and that their patience pays off in the end. Over time, this consistency will help them manage their expectations better during similar situations.
@@EmmaHubbard Thank you! Often we don't know if we're doing the right thing as parents, but it's reassuring to hear I'm doing alright. You're awesome, Emma!
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much!
No worries!
"I WANT WATER!" -Asked Dumbledore calmly-
_"If you can give them what they want immediately, do it"_
And that is how you reinforce spoiled behaviour. I want something and I get it immediately. The reason we tell them "not now" is because we're busy. They can wait a few minutes. If they whine, you tell them "keep whining and you're not getting anything". They might try their luck and if you stick to it and don't give it, they'll learn not to test your patience and be respectful of your time. They ask normally, they get it in a few minutes. They whine, they get nothing.
Thank you for your videos❤
No worries
Attention is love.
I learned VERY QUICKLY that whining was a ‘lose’ for me - the first time it hurt
…..there was no second time
You trying to reason with a child like an adult, when they haven’t yet developed that part of the brain, is simply INSANE
I appreciate this video
My mom would have back handed me and said "ask again and you won't get a damn thing!" and I would walk away because I didn't want to get slapped again. I learned FAST AF to ask politely and take "no" for and answer. Something all kids need today.
Thanks a bunch!!!!!!!!!!
4:55 This is where I say, "You're not gonna get anything when you ask like that. Try asking me the right way."
Let's see what you say.
I've found it helps if I give some examples of what they can say to express their need or desire. They don't have to say exactly what I say, but it just to help them learn how to communicate effectively.
@@Mt4evr I agree, and I like how you're helping them learn what they can use specifically to replace the words that aren't desirable; teaching them a language.
It’s weird how this isn’t something intuitive to most…this is just practicing acknowledgement and positive reinforcement…
Love this - although what I'm findig it is harder to do for younger toddlers closer to the 1y mark whose speech pathways are substantially less developed. If anybody has any additional tips for that situation woud love to hear them.
Sounds like what a mom would say. They try to justify why the kid isn't getting what they want. As a dad, I say "tough, you are going to have to wait" I do not need to tell them WHY. Or I say, "you do not always get what you want." I do not tolerate whining as a form of communication PERIOD.
That’s very helpful ❤
I'm so glad!
I remember when we taught my nephew he was no longer allowed to throw his toys. Consistency is key.
For the last step, for neurodivergent kids: Since, withholding X until you get Y is ABA, and ABA is much more traumatic than for neurotypicals, modify this by telling the child you're going to get it for them but how they asked does not make things happen faster, if anything they happen slower because they cannot be understood as fast. Give them the drink and nicely tell them to ask with their normal voice next time. If your child can, they will INTENTIONALLY test this very soon after, to see that it works and how it works. Repeat the praise step and continue.
to the therapists about to rip me a new one: YES ABA is very "effective" but of all the studies that created the "gold standard" based on an average of 8 subjects per study, with the mean being 3 in the study, absolutely none of them talk about how this method affects the psyche of the child. ABA was heavily leaned on when us millennials were young and it created a lot of reclusive individuals that don't want to explore or interact anymore because they felt so chastised for "doing it wrong" as a child, even though as a child they did not understand why and now time has skewed their past experience into a mountain of an effort to face and untangle.
THIS. Plus the whole “ABA teaches kids to override their own needs in favor of authority figures’ approval” thing, and creates approval seeking adults.
Teaching children to listen to their bodies and feelings instead of what other people TELL THEM their feelings and bodies are telling them is paramount.
@@restingwitchfacetarot605 I recently saw a short that was awesome for N/D I think:
“All emotions are welcome in this house. However not all behaviours are acceptable “ as the short version of, “yeah I understand you’re upset, I get it, express it, let it out. Just don’t hit or break anything, and please try not to hurt yourself”
Liked. Following ..Ms Hubbard. Thank you 🙏 for update!
Thank you too!
Welcome!
Welcome!
Finally some sensible parenting advice in 2024. Very unexpected today.
Thanks!
@@EmmaHubbard you’re welcome. Please keep it up. We’ve lost some very successful and longstanding parenting techniques in the name of… whatever the heck happened over the last 10-15 years.
When my kids were old enough to understand I told my kids this point blank: I can’t change my mind now because that will teach you that’s how to get your way. Even if I might have, if you had handled it by making a calm and convincing argument, I can’t give in to whining or tantrums. Sorry.
And even that can be a slippery slope, because you can end up inadvertently teaching them that they have the right to debate you on all your decisions.