This is Why Divorce Recovery for Men is So Hard: Feeling Like A Broken Man After Divorce
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- Опубліковано 4 кві 2022
- Divorce recovery for men is different in part because men are exposed to societal messaging that can often leave you like a broken man after divorce.
Understanding the societal narratives that you’ve internalized throughout your lifetime is essential for effective divorce recovery for men.
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Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't kneecap your relationships.
You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future. And now you can get access to the same step by step, proven system that has already helped hundreds of men do just that, inside the Better Beyond Divorce App.
GET ACCESS TO THE BETTER BEYOND DIVORCE APP NOW:
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Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
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Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive. amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place. amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
There are two general narratives that western society tells us about men. Both are myths, and both have impacts on divorce recovery for men.
The first myth is that a good man is a strong, stoic provider who takes care of his family. He has it together, he is stable and grounded, emotionally intelligent and always there if you need him. This man would never fall apart, he is the rock that his wife and children can always count on.
The second myth is that a sexy man is mysterious, confident, aggressive yet loving, passionate and takes charge, is vulnerable yet doesn’t get hurt by a woman’s criticism or anger… basically Dorian Gray from 50 Shades.
These aren’t real men. These aren’t real PEOPLE. Yet most men think they should be this way... which is part of why you might feel like a broken man after divorce!
Here’s the BIG problem with this societal messaging, and the one reason you may feel broken after your divorce:
These stereotypes don’t allow for the one thing that is actually necessary to create the emotional safety and intimacy that makes relationships last - humanity.
But understanding the impact of this societal messaging on your thoughts is essential for recovering from divorce and moving on with your life.
My work is focused on divorce recovery for men. And most of the men I see feeling broken after their divorce believe one of two things:
That they failed to be a “good enough” man.
That women are insane and they’ll never be loved because women aren’t capable of love.
The first group struggles with depression and self doubt that stops them from healing and moving forward. They are paralyzed by self doubt. - Навчання та стиль
My wife had no male role model growing up so she projected her ideal of what a man should be based on rom coms and K-dramas. These impossible standards drove me into depression that brought about the breakdown of our marriage.
Hi Kien, I'm really sorry to hear about the way your marriage ended. I see the influence of tv, movies and our general societal "love stories" impacting a lot of marriages in a harmful way. They offer unrealistic ideals of both men and women, and when we internalize those and expect our partners to show up in those ways it makes real connection nearly impossible. How are you doing now? Have you been able to move forward and past the depression?
OMG dude, that is an impossible standard. I’m so sorry for you. My ex-wife wanted a Don Draper from Mad Men. Crazy how much television influences us.
Marriage is "Not" for people with Baggage and like it or not Mr Man everyone has some type of Emotional Baggage. Men are taught and raised and brought up to have "No Outward Emotions All Real Emotions Are Kept Inside of All Men". So this is the Reality of Life. So get some Help!
Wow...my wife too...ex wife
Going through this right now
I just don’t want to lose my kids and it hurts so much.
I feel the same way I don’t want my kids to be raised by a next man
same
Same brother I feel you I’m going through same thing
Same thing I cringe when I think of her new guy getting any where near my daughter let alone raising her . Euck I’m going to be sick just thinking about it.
Thank you for the advice. I have been completely destroyed by divorce and I am desperately trying to survive.
Hi Albert, you're welcome. Thanks for watching. I'm really sorry that you're going through this right now... how are you doing? Do you have a support system that's helping you?
It's horrible, my friend. I know. And we got no support. Sometimes, I don't think how much longer I can take it.
How are u feeling brother ? I’m in the same position too left to suffer alone
Hope you are doing better, the best advice is to understand female nature. Most men enter marriage idealistically, while most women enter marriage rationally and opportunistically. Hence most men feel the full force of the betrayal when women do what comes natural to them but for some reason most men refuse to believe things could get this bad.
Me too. My ex even had my children boycott me.
Thanks everyone for posting their comments. I read everyone of the comments as the video played. I have been divorced since 2006 and I thought I was never going to be able to see a bright day again(depressession, anxiety,insomnia, you name it). I was in denial for a long time because of my pride. My anger was so strong they diagnosed me bipolar. Thru prayers and counseling I have been able to get to the root of my problem and be able to date once again and restore my relationship with my sons. God bless everyone in their struggle
Thank you for watching and for sharing some of your story - as you know, reading the comments and finding a ray of hope can make a huge difference. I really appreciate you sharing.
It's really hard. I'm going through the same issues as you did. The woods look dark and never ending but I know you can get through them - like you did. So thanks for posting this. It helps.
Would you have any interest in allowing me to interview you here on this channel? I'm starting a new campaign of hope - I'm going to interview men who have been in the darkness and found their way out to the other side and share those interviews here. I want to shift the narrative, and combat the scary statistics that make it so hard for many men to hold on to the hope of healing. It sounds like your story could be really powerful. If you're interested please email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com and we'll set up a time to talk!
I'm currently going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage and it's heart breaking. I started holding my wife accountable last year and she played the victim. So much so she started slandering me at church. The elders got involved and despite me having proof against her lies, they still believed her and have been fanning the flame of her victimization. She then had me arrested for something I did not do. Her emotionality, as well as her lying, has been over the top.
I personally could care less about societal stereotypes. What I'm finding is that the church was not there and discerning as they should've been. I've been married to a woman that calls herself a Christian but lies like she's of the devil. She won't let me see my kids now which my attorney is fighting but it hurts that I've been a devoted father to my kids for over 16 years but she is trying to alienate me from them. I may lose my job after all is said and done and the legal fees I'm accruing are enormous. I'm mourning over the fact that I'm losing everything I've loved and worked so hard for over the years. I'm going to have to start all over.
Wow what kind of viscious woman does that. Stay strong brother these girls don't have morals
There is always light somewhere. You will find it
I’m going to the same thing my friend when I was trying to fix my marriage, my wife was slandering my name all over town. I started losing friends, lifelong friends who believed her although I think they just trying to get into her pants. My son is on the spectrum and he hates my guts right now, so you’re not alone, brother my wife took a restraining order on me because I caught her staying out all night while we were separated and now come to find out she has a boyfriend. I didn’t even get to defend myself against this restraining order it has been dropped since, but I wanted to have my day in court and explain it, and you’re right about one thing. Women are the devil the devil mixes truth with lies never forget, tempted into eating the apple not the snake.
So sorry you are going through this. This is over the top difficult. I was hurt by the church. I had a similar experience with elders of my church
Every day is a struggle. Many times, it's because of our children that we don't commit suicide.
Hi Scott, thanks for being here and for commenting. I'm afraid that is a sentiment I hear often... there are ways to reduce the struggle, heal the wounds and actually come into a lighter, hopeful place on the other side. I know that might not feel possible to you right now, but I have seen it happen again and again.
If you would like my direct support in getting through this so you can not only be alive but fully present and vibrant for your kids, please reach out. You can find the details of what it's like to work with me here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
You're also welcome to email me anytime with questions at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Stay strong brother please . I’m in the same situation we got this !!!!
@@Mojojo129 Thank you.
@@Mojojo129yes bro.will be ok
True
I don't think I'll ever love again. Been almost three years and I'm still very broken.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I know this may be hard to believe after three years, but healing is possible.
I recently had a client join Better Beyond Divorce 6 years after his divorce. He, too, still felt very broken.
Here's what he had to say just two months later: "To finally have some semblance of taking steps forward is so inspirational. I am already fast forwarding into the future and I can see small glimpses of the future self being very proud of having learned so much to move forward.... When you're truly frozen, for that initial movement to happen, it's life changing".
It's not too late for you to heal. You just haven't known which steps you need to take yet. If you'd like a clear process, concrete actions and exercises and daily support, then join me in Better Beyond Divorce: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
I’m a male. My marriage of 10 years just ended. What really hurts my wife said she wanted to start a family then the next week she told me she didn’t love me anymore. I’ve never felt hurt like this
Do you have a good support system as you go through this? That's a lot to deal with, and big shift to swallow and process. I'm sorry that you're going through it. If you don't already, please consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor.
You might also find coaching supportive. I have a new app called Better Beyond Divorce that gives you concrete tools for dealing with the pain, processing the loss and moving forward with your life. You can get access to the free version here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app
Whether you try my app, reach out to a therapist or both, I would strongly encourage you to get support. Divorce is a shock to the nervous system, and the human nervous system recovers the most quickly with the direct support of other people. It's a physiologic truth, and it's why therapy can help. People tend to think of it as a mental weakness or an inability to manage emotions... but it's really about the way our nervous system works.
My husband did this too me. SMH 🤦🏽♀️ it hurts.
@@untroubledsoul4410then NW u r alone
hang in there, brother. i also got divorced 10 years in. do what you have to do to be able to move forward. it’s hard but you can make it. i’m divorced 2 years in and life has been good to me since then.
One of my most frustrating expriences post-divorce. When you finally get back out to the market again and you listen to woman talk about their men doing terrible things to them yet maintain the relationship and blow you off as an option. Plus the fact women will not approach you as much if your single. So even though I am a better person now than when I was with my ex-wife women find me less valuable and there isn't a way to communicate that to someone you haven't met yet. Been a really weird experience. My first recommendation, don't get married using the legal document. Just do a social marriage.
I was married 23 years, really planned on spending my life with her
I am one year out of marriage
Sometimes I am ok sometimes I feel broken. I just want to be normal again. Not sure if I will ever date again.
Hi Ray, I'm really sorry you went through this. I understand the ups and downs. It can be hard to believe it's possible to feel normal again. If you'd like, I'd be happy to explore you situation and see if I can help you find your way. You can email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com or book a call with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy?month=2022-10
I’m there with you man. I was married 20 years and feel broken as well.
Mine was 11yrs half as much as u guys yet the heartache is devastating already
@@Mojojo129
The best thing that has helped me is not dwelling in the past. I still catch myself thinking about memories,but don't dwell.
Living in the moment is best, focusing on my future helps as well.
Lucky my two boys are grown and they were not subjected to a broken marriage the same as young kids.
They get along with both my ex and myself great, even though her and I have not spoken since before the divorce.
Good luck to you and remember time will help dealing with the sense of loss.
I was close to 20 married. You look at the standard ladders of a complete life - falling in love, married, kids, family, get old, retire, etc. Now it feels like I have to start over rather than building upon the great life I had.
Wow! I’m blown away how you nailed this topic. I wish you were my therapist. Not to say my current therapist is not doing her job correctly; I’m saying she doesn’t quite understand the stuck part that you described so well. I have a unique problem that I believe you can explain to me. I’m neither a strong man nor a sexy man. I don’t identify with either one. I know myself. I know what I want, but I’m overly sensitive. I feel every emotion in its rawest form. I have no problem expressing my feelings. In fact, that was one of the reasons for my divorce. My wife couldn’t deal with my reaction to things. Take, for example, if I saw something sad i’ll cry. If I felt love, I expressed it. If I were angry, I would express that as well. Never violence, but I would raise my voice. My emotions are at times are my worst enemy and cause more problems for me than anything else. It’s been 16 years since my wife left me and I still feel hurt as if only a week had gone by. I’ve chased friends away because they can’t deal with my emotions. So, I feel forced to bury them and not let them out when around people. I try to temper them, but sometimes they’re so overwhelming I can’t. They spill out and scare people away and out of control. But if something makes me sad, I’ll cry. I have to let it out or i’ll explode. So my qiestion is, how do I balance my emotions so that i’m still true to myself, yet not so emotional around people? That and being stuck, more like frozen, afraid to move forward because I never want to go through that again. I still believe in love, but my definition of love is different. I believe that if you love someone, you do so unconditionally. No matter how terrible things may seem at the time or how much you disagree with them, you never stop loving them. I never want to hurt those I love or cause them any pain. If i did that’s not love to me. Too high a standard? So, any advice or skill you cn give i’d be more than willing to try. Maybe what you have to say will break the wall I feel around me. Thanks for reading this. I wish you a great day today and nothing but the best in all the tomorrows that come.
The video definitely resonates. It just feels like a downward spiral. I’ve been separated for 10 months divorce upcoming, and I thought that I was ok. That as hard as it was going to be, it was the right decision and the only way forward if we want lead happy lives and not be toxic to each orher or hurt our children. I thought I was over it, that I was ready to move on. I was finding my stride and that I hade made peace with that chapter in my life. Why is it so hard to believe that it’s just transitory. I feel broken, shattered, betrayed, hopeless. I know I wasn’t perfect, but I tried my best, I feel like I did so much to suppporkt her through her struggles, her drinking. I felt like an outsider that was never good enough for her to want to grow and start our own lives our own traditions. I reach the same conclusion time and time again that I just need to accept that being alone is ok and that focusing all my energy, all my love to my 2 girls will be enough for my life. I’m damaged like everyone, I just never got over or dealt with my own trauma. Both our baggage got in the way. I feel like I’m just ranting and complaining and that I shouldn’t because I’m healthy, I’m financially stable, I’m not bad looking. Why am I complaining?! I don’t know if it’s depression just because of my failed marriage, I don’t know if I was always just set to fail because I’m meant to be alone. At least I have my kids maybe that should be sole focus for however long I still have in this life and bury the rest. What a waste of potential, of opportunity and space I feel I am. Wish this nightmare just ends.
Thank you for sharing this. You're not alone in these feelings, and I'm glad you posted them here. A lot of other people feel this way and will feel less alone for reading what you've written.
Her drinking and her struggles were not about you. That's the hardest thing to accept for most of us ... because it means you didn't have the power to save her or fix things for her.
Often the brain will hold on to the idea that your worth in the world is tied to her happiness, because if you let that go you have to face the grief that comes with realizing that she had to be the one willing to do the work of healing, and that she wasn't ready, able or willing to do that.
Your trauma, your baggage, that is your responsibilty. Hers is not. It's interesting, isn't it, how most of us (me too!) are far more willing to help someone we love heal their wounds than we are to face our own?
I would strongly encourage you to focus there, on your trauma, on your baggage. Do that healing, and this will start to get easier. The best way to start is usually a combination of coaching and therapy. For therapy I would recommend starting with somatic experiencing or emotionally focused therapy or internal family systems. Cognitive behavorial therapy is great later on, but it isn't ideal for dealing with difficult emotions or trauma.
Many of my clients couple one on one therapy with self paced mindfulness coaching. You can learn some of those techniques in my free masterclass if you like: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Hang in there. It can get better, and your 2 girls deserve to be raised by a father who has healed his wounds so he doesn't pass them on to them inadverntently. You can heal and move forward in a healthy way, for them if not for yourself.
Resonates with me so much. All I really wanted from my marriage was for us to improve. It didn’t have to be much but some tiny small improvements. Seemed like she was content to have me take care of her because she had no ambition but my love for her and me wanting to see her do well in life. Doesn’t matter because you can’t change that other person you can only control yourself. Always be better than the day before man. I reach down for anything positive even down to saying I brushed my teeth better that day than the last
Also broken and focusing on my now 18 year old son
His mother betrayed every single aspect of family and tried to vilify me his father
It worked for three years
Now he knows his father is the man he so admired and loved when he was a child
He’s restoring his trust
His mother was and still is a predator
Hang in there
Raise your beautiful daughters as the role model
They will then know how to recognize a REAL man
And that is you brother
Press on
Be your best self
You’ll find love again if you keep up the righteous fight
@@Bot-Gaben You've got a great attitude. Your daughters are lucky to have a father who will help them learn to show up with the same hope and desire to heal and grow.
Thank you for posting this. This resonated with me SO much.
No one has to read this I just dont talk to anyone so this kind of makes me feel like I'm expressing myself in a more meaningful way than talking to my shadow.
I have been stuck for 2.5 years now. I have maintained a self care routine this whole time, which included going to the gym among a list of other things. Since its been so long, I have made a lot of progress physically, and people are really starting to notice.. Mostly women. The thing is, I am not who everyone sees when they look at me. To me, I'm the guy that spends all his time in his apartment not interacting with any human in existence. I'm the guy that feels like a failure because I wasn't able to save my marriage. I am a guy that feels like my whole life has fallen apart because of me, and I'm afraid to establish another relationship with anyone else because I feel I'll just fail again and have to go through this again. I hate the feelings I have felt during this time so much that I just avoid any and every connection. People see a "handsome" guy, a "fit" guy, a "stoic" guy., or whatever... For me, I'd rather them just keep staring at me and coming to there own conclusions of who I am. Better that, than have them get to know me and find out im just a sad, depressed, "failure of a man" thats lost everything that mattered to him. If ever I'm forced to interact with someone for whatever reason, I act like who I think they think I am. I am bold, I'm confident, I smile... I feel so disingenuous, but I can't just tell people I'm in a deep state of depression. In fact, I have tried telling a close friend, and a family memeber about how I feel and both said I'm not appreciating what I have... "You're in great shape", "you're handsome", "you have money", "the future is yours".... I think they're right, and thats part of the problem... Why am I complaining with all these positives? why am I ungrateful for the blessings? Why can't I let go of the mistakes, the bad decisions? Why does not having one person, mean I can't love anything or anyone else?
I feel so lost in this. I'm going to sit with these prompts for a little and try to figure myself out a bit more.
If you read this and are thinking "what's this guy complaining about exactly?"... Don't worry, I'm wondering the same thing. This was just my initial rant after watching the video... It's also nice imagining that I'm talking to someone as I type all this lol.
Thanks for watching and for sharing a little of your story. The human brain is a clever thing. It can turn even the most healthy of activities into a protection mechanism.
For you it sounds like the pain and hurt caused you to disconnect (not on purpose, this is a natural nervous system reaction to losing a primary relationship). Disconnection or withdrawing from others is a way that our brain subconsciously protects us from harm.
Unfortunately we are deeply social animals and we actually need connection to feel whole, balanced, healthy and happy.
Yet when we've been badly hurt, the brain isn't really worried about feeling whole or healthy or happy. It just wants to stay alive!
It sounds like your brain is actually using your physical fitness to facilitate staying disconnected. It tells you you're a fraud, a failure, not the person that others see, and you feel further from them, even though they reach out.
This is a pattern of self protection, and it is one we can change. In order to shift it we have to help your nervous system feel safe enough to risk small moments of connection.
We also need to help you understand what is happening and why so that you can forgive yourself for feeling this way for these 2.5 years, and start to build your self confidence again.
I've seen many men succeed in similar work, and I'd be happy to help you as well if you'd like my support.
You're welcome to email me directly at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com, or you can download my free app to get a sense of what and how I can help, and why I'm so sure that I can!
You'll find the app here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app
It's understandable. You have some real pain inside that was due to your ex. Another woman puts you back in the same position to get hurt again. I fear that women who are looking at my age now have already destroyed another good man like you and me. Why would I want that person in my life? It's tough to get back on the bike after you were hit by a bus while riding last time.
Your story, message, what you went through in relation to what your feeling also resonated with me personality. It's weird that I'm in a relationship for over ten years, yet have shutdown to a 10% operating level disguised as cool calm collected bloke. I aviod conversations with anyone and don't allow others to engage. Only my partner who I trust, I have very strong boundaries and when they are breached, i give a warning and if still no improvement, I walk away. So far about 3 times. My past is my business and no one else's. Note also I've been betrayed by the so called nice person. Never again.
it resonates me because i am divorced for 2.5 years also. Like you we watch those youtube videos on going to the gym, meditate etc. Like you I look good for my age of 48 years and bought a sports car and dressing well. But deep inside I feel empty.
I had some short term relationships but i didn’t want to get involved because they weren’t as thrilling as it was when i was young with my ex wife and secondly all these youtube about not trusting women. I must admit I have trusting issue. Maybe because my ex had never stopped lying before and during the divorce.
As i get older maybe this is my second or third mid life crisis.
@@fatgirlboy9341 I know this is just YT comments - but whatever. I’m not as far along as you, so I can’t offer any relatable advice. I’m dabbing into the dating world now and it has me feeling better as you have a new value to others that you lost with your ex.
I look at my marriage as a heck of ride I was lucky to have. Trying not to dwell on why it ended. It helps me more when i do that.
What’s the line from Dark Knight? Some people just want to see the world burn down… my ex is one of those people. I won’t miss that. Knowing I won’t have to hear about how bad everything is in her life anymore - while I loved it when married - is a plus for me going forward. Maybe look to what you don’t want and basically left behind as a way to make it better in your head.
I respect what you’re going through. It’s not right. Many people who were devastated in a divorce say they found something better eventually. Different when we’re mid life and starting out as our relationships with women are easier (first house, starting career, kids, etc). You’ll never go back to that again now- part of why we miss the ex as we did major life milestones together.
Not sure if that helps at all. But I read your comment and wanted to reply to you. Hang in there.
Divorce is so hard on men. We live on islands often and do not "tribe well."
It is so hard on men. Wow. Yes. So many men are emotionally isolated, without good tools for dealing with emotions.
It's so great to hear a woman who understands how hard it is for a man to keep a woman happy. It is almost impossible.
It's not up to you to make her happy. It's up to you do what you think is best, and be the best person you can. Whether she is happy or not is not under your control, it's under hers. If she is attempting to make her happiness your responsibility, she lacks boundaries.
Hi Alan, thank you for your kind words and for watching. I have to say I agree with MW here. He said it very well. It's not your job to make her happy, and it isn't her job to make you happy. Ultimately we all are each responsible for our own thoughts, emotions and internal experiences.
Unfortunately as a society we have greatly blurred those boundaries and have become quite fond of putting responsibility for our thoughts or feelings onto other people.
Are you going through a divorce yourself? If you're up for sharing at all here (and it is fine if you aren't!), how are you doing?
I got divorced a year ago. I am doing good. We were married for 24 years and have 3 kids. It is hard because everything is so intertwined. @@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
@@alanhoggard4554 I'm glad you're doing alright. It sounds like you have to have a lot of ongoing contact which I know can make it harder to fully let go and move forward. Thank you for sharing a little here. Do you feel like you're where you want to be, all things considered, or are you getting stuck?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I am definitely stuck. I am having a lot of trouble moving on. We met when we were 14. Got married at 26 and were married for 24 years.
I was put in the impossible position that hovered between these two extremes.
It left me asking “To be or not to be”. I was (and am) almost broken.
Now recovery really begins. At least I don’t have to sacrifice ALL my time and energy to meet her needs, and focus on myself.
After 19 yrs of marriage and 27 years of being together, my wife has asked me for a divorce. I'm absolutely broken, my insides are shredded. I do feel as that failure you speak about. She fell emotionally in love with another guy at work and that pushed her to realize she needed/wanted more. I'm just having a difficult time trying to move forward because I keep dwelling in the past with what I did wrong or what I didn't do right?
It sucks to know you could have done better in the relationship and maybe by taking her for granted you and only you are responsible for her calling it quits. Ouch ! I feel this sometimes about my situation.
Thank you, this is a start to recovery
The thing about us men is that we believe that 'feelings' and 'emotions' are a weakness. We are so used to disregarding them for most of our lives, that when they become overwhelmingly intense we feel lost and we feel even worse.. we feel 'beaten' and like failures bc of these emotions. I'm here to tell all men out there that we are human. It's ok to have emotions and to feel them. It's perfectly ok to cry. To release the emotions. It cleanses the soul and it HELPS. you are NOT weak because you feel 'defeated' or like a 'failure'. It means that you care. To all my brothers I send you love and strength.
Courage includes feeling your 'feelings' and not considering yourself a loser for doing so. In fact it's the opposite. It's not about wallowing or feeling sorry for yourself. It's about acknowledging your humanity in this complex isolating world we live in. It's ok to feel sad and lonely and to feel like you've 'lost' or 'failed'. To live is to strive and fail. So sometimes failure is inevitable. You are important and you are valuable even when it seems like you are anything but. I get this. And so I wish you well on your journey, as painful, heart wrenching and lonely as it may seem. You are not alone.
Your fellow brother, who has been through the hellfire.
This was deep. Are you really a man?? Your name is really misleading.
yes I hijacked an account though haha..it's a message to myself as it is to anyone else who needs to hear it @@arvindkrishna7035
I found this to be EXTREMELY healing and helpful. Hour by hour, day by day I feel better about myself.
I'm so glad to hear this was so helpful. Thank you for watching, and I hope that you continue to feel better.
Problem now without her is I don’t know who I am. I have only known 1 thing most of my adult life and that was provide for her and our kids and then when they left, me and her. Now, there will soon be no her..so who am I?
I hear you man. Don’t know you, but most of us here have felt like you are some point. Hold fast and keep moving through this tough time. It will get better, and you are stronger than you think. I’m in a similar situation, so in regards to who you are, you are a man, Who gets to think about what he wants to do, what kind of man you want to be, and start working on those things. If you are anything like me though, you didn’t really want to have to be in this situation , but here is where we are now. My hope is you chose to rise, and not fall prey to giving up. Keep watching Rachel’s videos too. It helps you realize your feelings are normal and how to start working through them.
@@ijordo Thank you!!.. I am watching the videos and she has even answered back on a few. I will continue to press forward and find myself and where I fit into this new chapter in my life…
Hi Rob, I hear you. It sounds like you were with her for a long time. It's not easy for the brain to make such a big shift, and it's normal to feel both resistance and fear.
I find it is helpful to remind yourself that the emotions coming up around not knowing who you are are likely part of your brain's fear story about uncertainty and change.
The truth is simply that you are. You are a body that feels. You are a brain that thinks. The rest of it is up to you. You get to choose your values, your dreams, your goals, the way you show up in the world. That has always been true, even if you didn't realize you were making those choices.
"I don't know who I am" is one way that brain can keep you stuck. It is part of a fear story that stops you from taking action and keeps you playing small and safe. If you can look on those thoughts with compassion and understanding, you may be able to peek around the curtain and catch a glimpse of what is possible for you.
Expect to feel doubt, uncertainty, regret and loneliness. Those emotions, painful as they may be, are gifts showing you what your brain's fear stories are so that you can begin to let them go.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you, we were together 35 years and dated 2.5 yrs. before that (teenagers). I am doing my best to except all this but I have days that are hard and full of emotions. Figuring out what is next and who I am seem to be part of it..
@@robc3887 That's a lot of years together. Honestly, the hardest part of this might be accepting that you are going to have a lot of difficult, emotional days. That is normal, and frankly unavoidable. Yet your brain can derail you by making those hard days mean more than they need to. You are going to go through grief, regret, anger, resentment, guilt and so much more.
While those emotions are a necessary part of the process of ending a relationship like this, you are right that finding a clear sense of who you are and what is next for you will help those emotions feel more manageable.
If you'd like some direct support and a roadmap to answering those questions, I think I can likely help. I'd need to learn a bit more about your situation and your goals, but from your comments I think that coaching would likely be a good fit to help you not only get through the hard days but also clearly define your path forwards. If you'd like to discuss what that would look like please send me an email at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com to schedule a consultation call.
Wow! I mean wow.... Thank you Rachael for a real deep and meaningful talk. I am 10 years divorced after 22 years married with two children. I was broken for two years, hoping that my 'absence' through work, hadn't caused her to have an affair (with my next door neighbour)It took that long for me to find the truth😔 Her inheritance (of 2milion) a year before our split wouldn't have helped! I am obviously still hurting and this has a lot do do with the new lavish lifestyle she is leading. Whilst I am back to hand-to-mouth living. I am with my soulmate and feel bad about these thoughts of being jilted, financially ruined and forced to view her wealth through my children (paying for cars, deposits on houses, ski holidays etc... Those two exercises will become a regular part of my day to day reference. Thank you so much🙏
Hi Marty,
You're welcome, I'm thrilled that this video was so helpful. And I'm really sorry to hear that you went through all of this with your ex, and that it is still distressing today. The financial piece can be a really massive trigger.
If you found these exercises helpful, you might really enjoy my free Masterclass - it goes deeper and gives more concrete tools you can start applying that may help you finaly let go (perhaps even forgive) and be able to be fully present and happy inside your new relationship.
You can find it here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/optin1671910386839
My wife moved out and a month later told me she wants a divorce. I own my side of it, the pain is so much
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I've seen a few of your comments and I know you're in a lot of pain.
I'm hosting a free workshop starting this week that's all about emotional regulation and coping with the pain, so you can actually process, learn and heal instead of getting stuck in depression.
I'd love for you to join me! You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop
I love this message. New follow from this guy
I'm currently struggling going through this . I'm handling everything, running my business, bills, home bills, 4 days with kids and taking care of ever gosh damn thing and she comes and goes as she pleases. I am running on empty even though I'm sleeping and doing what I can to recover . It's not working I am drawn out and feel stuck which is a horrible feeling
I was work 16 - 20 hour days due to my company going through hard times. I lost 20 lbs and was dealing with anxiety and depression but I just kept grinding. I never quit. My ex wife hit me in the face and told me that I wasn't a real man. I knew at that moment that we were done.
I am going through the post Divorce depression.
We hear you.
Hi Narendra, thank you for watching and commenting. Those aren't always easy actions to take when you are feeling depressed. How are you doing? Do you have some support in your life right now?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach i am trying ny best, i do have my own support to me.
@@narendrakandari88 I'm glad to hear that. I just got off an email session with a client and this was our conclusion: divorce is one of those incredibly human experiences that brings us face to face with the inevitability of change and challenges us to move forward and allow ourselves to change as well, in spite of our fears.
You can do this, and I'm glad to hear that you have some people to support you along the way.
@@test90020 you are absolutely right.
Societal myths had little impact on my marriage. My ex wife’s actions had a direct impact on my self worth. Her treatment of me is what destroyed me as a person and she never owned it. She just left.
Brutal. I'm so sorry you've had to live through this. I know it may not feel this way, but even though she broke it down, you don't need your ex wife to build your self worth back up. You can do it, from within, by getting to know and understand yourself in a new way, one that allows for healing, growth and change.
Have you had a chance to watch my masterclass? It talks about how to rebuild your self worth, and I think you may find that perspective helpful. You can watch it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
I’m just here wondering whether I will ever love again
Same here. I can’t believe I’m grieving 14 years later after divorcing my husband of 23 years. I feel like I don’t want anyone else.
Bent but not broken. Bloodied but unbowed. The divorce that was forced upon me pushed me to my spiritual and emotional limits. When it became clear that I could not save my marriage, I was suddenly filled with an unyielding determination to save my pension, my homestead, my good name, and my constant presence in the lives of my kids. I stood my ground, fought back, and won. The one good thing about a divorce is that you find out who your true friends are.
And often Societal Pressure/Ideals often say : Men have to pay for Everthing, but when the woman gets a job and $$$ it's hers for Fun or Independence , not to reduce pressure on the Man... and we can't Men mention $$$ or it causes the Woman too much stress, but the Man must provide regardless of stress is often causes. Very challenging situation to deal with and leads quickly to resentment and frustration. Then when trying to communicate on this, the woman gets mad and says we are putting too much pressure or controlling
Like the first drops of monsun rain over a tourmentet dessert. Thank you🙏❤️
You're welcome, Lennart. Thank you for watching, and I'm very glad you found it helpful.
I needed to hear this 2 years ago❤ Thank you for telling me now😮
I have been separated and now divorced 4.5 years. It still hurts. I have wanted reconciliation because we have 5 children and because well.. I made vows. She's had a bunch of relationships and one night stands this past 4.5 years. I have had no-one. I won't enter into a new relationship because I have hoped we could reconcile. I won't have sex outside of marriage and so at the moment I feel lonely and also heart broken still. I keep going, I work on myself. I fail at times fall into old patterns of self comfort and then recommit myself to recovery. I am not ready for a relationship but I miss having companionship. Sometimes it's hard to see why I live. I hope in Christ. I hope to God and commit myself to him and trust he will guide me. But it is indeed painful.
My wife divorced me 21 years ago. I'm still broken. And hard to remarry or even approach a woman if you feel as if they all have contempt for you. The bible says God hates divorce, and I think I understand why: it leaves a trail of destruction and brokenness that is irreparable, for the persons involved, and society generally. People remarry and move on (most of the time), but the scar remains. Can either party ever forget each other even in a new and happy marriage? Maybe women can, but I can't.
If re-marriage was the way to go then why are the 2nd and 3rd divorce statistics worse than for the initial marriage right, sending u love my brother. you're not alone out there in your grief.
What wild is that because you know that so many women expect you to be this mysterious/traditionally hetero-normative yet modern & conscious man, (even the “good” girls) you adjust to have a shot at them. And you notice how you disappoint them when you get nervous, or express your feelings, It can make dating feel kind of fake.
I'm in a lot of depression and grief.im all out of hope and I'm Lost.
Thank you.
My ex wife genuinely believed in mind reading.
Hence she is now an ex, i never said i could and asked for open communication the whole 14 years.
ok, good video. I understand what you mean. But the pressure is not societal. The pressure is how one is taught in their family of origin to be a husband or wife, or a divorced man or woman. Those are the real pressures, and those pressures mean you live up to your code of ethics and morals, or you don't. If your family is not the kind that approves of divorce, getting a divorce is a failure, whether you like it or not. Can such a man forgive himself for the failure of his marriage? Yes, they can, lots of men and women have given their blood, sweat, tears, and bones to marriage and still ended up divorced. But this is where "societal messaging" rushes in and tells divorcing couples "everyone is entitled to be happy. If your marriage isn't working, just throw it away, you'll be sad for a little while, but you'll get over that, you just have to reframe your failure as a success for you to live your best life."
There is a meme out there that says "no guys, she was never yours. It was just your turn." That's not my belief system. Not yet anyway.
Going thru this is a very painful process, all the great times gone never to be back ever is surreal, not seeing your kids as much is paralyzing as men we get a raw deal ,but we need to learn to be our own best friend
What broke me is the affair the was catalyst for our divorce.with a kid thirteen years younger than me and six years younger that her. He had two kids from two different women..was abusive. Put hands on her twice went to jail, temporary restraining orders, put a gun to his head when she tried to leave (she went back) destroyed her property, cheated on her..she always went back… I was not perfect, but I was dam proud of the boyfriend, fiancé, and husband I was, but it was not good enough. Just a hard pill to swallow
Dear Tommy, there is a thought here your brain is believing that is absolutely NOT true. "It was not good enough..." AKA, "I was not good enough".
If your ex is doing what you've described - staying in an abusive relationship - she is not healthy or well. People who are healthy mentally and emotionally do not choose relationships where they are hit, abused, cheated on and otherwise beaten up physically, mentally or emotionally. People choose those kinds of relationships when they have suffered trauma.
She isn't with you, not because you weren't good enough but because you were TOO good. Someone who is dealing with shattered self esteem or damaged attachment patterns can't handle a healthy, loving relationship until they start to heal. They seek damaging connectings because that confirms the damage they already feel and it confirms their low self image back to them.
Please don't let your brain compare you to him and conclude you weren't good enough. From what you've described the problem is likely that you weren't broken enough to match her pain, and she wasn't ready to heal and meet you in a more stable, healthy relationship.
If you'd like more support or help dealing with the emotional fall out from this, please watch my free masterclass. It has some deeper tools than I can share here on UA-cam, and it will also give you some options to connect with other guys recovering from similar experiences.
You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Sounds sooo easy to break free if it all. But after two divorces it’s hard to see any positive possibilities
Being an *_autistic_*_ male,.._ all these mind-reading expectations are utterly beyond me,.. and always would be!
Great stuff.
Most of these comments are from awhile ago but I’ll add my experience. 5yr green-card marriage, no kids, no house, none of those things. Being walked out on after a slow, degrading and one-sided relationship has left me feeling even more empty somehow.
I loved this woman more than anybody or anything I’ve ever known. The reason why this is possible is because I never had self love from the very beginning. I even blamed myself for physical/mental abuse. All the things of mine she broke.
Now I’m starting all over from square one (and I mean literally). I’ve never felt shame or embarrassment of this level in my life and have lost a number of friends to her (she always was the popular one).
It’s a daily struggle to manage even the most basic tasks. In my heart I know this is a good thing, but it feels like the complete opposite.
Thank you for watching and for sharing a little of your story. I'm so sorry.
It sounds like you have a lot of clarity around what you need to work on - the self love piece will be the key to eventually accepting and letting go.
However, first your nervous system might need more support. If you're struggling with the basics day to day, your nervous system is probably in a freeze (depressed) state, and there are some specific exercises that can help you move out of that.
As the nervous system rebalances, you'll feel a little stronger and more energized, and then it becomes easier to work on your relationship with yourself.
Do you have any support? A therapist could be really helpful, especially one trained in somatic or emotionally focused therapy. I also teach these exercises, and you can get access to some of them through the free version of my app, which you can find here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-app-plan
Over 34 years of marriage and at age 55 she wants out and has started acting like a teenager. I have no proof of another man or woman romancing her. I do not get it. But she never has had any communication skills. I'm certainly not perfect, but I've been faithful. I just feel empty inside. The heartache is almost unbearable. She never told me why she left me. I am not a drinker or a drug abuser. But now I can easily see what can cause a man to get lost in self-medicating. I am 60 years old and this is the first time I've had my heart broken. Being lonely and broken is painful. I miss my companion, life partner, and best friend. She was everything to me.
Thanks Rachel for your work. You really do a positive In this world. And I want to let you know that yes self mastery, and higher awareness is key to recovery and overcoming challenges in life. I'm currently on another coaching group with rising Phoenix. Have you heard of it?
Hi Eddie, thank you for your kind words. I'm not familiar with Rising Phoenix. I just did some googling, is that with Michael Rhodes? He sounds like he's doing really good work as well. I hope you're finding it helpful... I wonder if Michael might want to collaborate on something with me here on UA-cam. Thanks for putting him on my radar!
Wow, ok honestly i don't know who i am, other depressed, full on anxiety. Cant find interest in anything other then smoking cigarettes all day smhb....
Me either man ur not alone my wife divorced me I'm lost all I can think about is her
I honestly don't know who i am without the societal narratives. Ended up divorced but i don't know how to be without marriage
Is NLP the acronym for Neuro-linguistic practitioner?
Close, NLP is Neuro Linguistic Programming. I'm certified as a Master NLP Practitioner.
No Longer Pussified
My wife left me. I think because these reasons.. unrealistic expectations. She left me and indirectly also our family. We have a daughter.. she cheated on me while we’re still married..
SAME
Welcome to the club , hang on bro , we shall overcome this 💪
After being betrayed by your wife, the last thing a man needs is advice from a woman.
I'm sorry these videos aren't helpful for you right now. There are a lot of great men making content on these subjects too. I hope you find the right source of support.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you.
I divorced at 23 and it kills me. I love him but I couldn’t stay with him. It’s so hard to move on
It is. Do you have a good therapist or coach supporting you? If you're looking for one, I would recommend checking out www.samanthaboss.com/
It's not all a myth. I relate to the victim and the failure. The response to me expressing these feelings to others is invalidation or disinterest. People think it's encouraging or helpful to tell you just don't think about it or just live your life and be happy. Even therapists seem to want to jump past these feelings and move on to "what's really troubling you"?
What if the man left his wife homeless and bankrupt and never got help for himself, so she HAD to divorce him? He is unable to forgive himself therefore he couldn't move on. It is as if he remained on the sinking ship while his wife had to bail water and get on a rescue boat to save the family. Almost 30 years and he never got help and the only thing she could do was leave him to go down with the ship. 😢 What if she still cares and tries to see if he is hanging on. How do you help someone who is already broken and caused his wife and family to be broken too? Now divorced but devastated. Maybe your channel can help him. I know I gave him resources and stayed as long as i could...😢
I'm so sorry to hear that this has been your experience. In my personal experience watching someone you love suffer and being unable to help them is one of the most agonizing experiences there is in this life.
Do you have some support in your life? A good therapist or coach? Friends and family?
Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to focus on your own healing right now. You can't do the work for him, and if you make yourself sick trying you'll both end up drowning. Take care of yourself. Do your own work to heal and feel whole again. You can share these videos with him, you can encourage him to speak to me or to a therapist... but don't neglect yourself. Ultimately we each have to walk our own path through this life. We can love and support each other, but we cannot walk someone else's path, we cannot drive someone else's car. This is a hard, scary thing to accept, but it is true.
Thank you for watching and for sharing a little of your story here. Would you have any interest in telling your full story? I'm putting together a series of interviews with men and women post divorce to share their experiences... they can be on video or anonymous with audio only. I'd love to hear your full story if you'd like to share it.
You can email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com if you're interested in talking about it.
My ex wife left me because I would not allow my self to grief the death of my son, and it made me sick, could not work, so she pack her bags and left me when I needed her the most.
Imagine being led to believe that your wife is on your side and that she agrees to a fair and balanced divorce only to realize at the last second that she intends to throw you under the bus by accusing you of being bullying, abusive and asking for thousands of dollars in back payments, property that isn’t marital, trying to limit your visitation with your child, etc….
My first marriage was 14 years and two beautiful children. It took years to get past that enough to try again. I remarried earlier this year thinking that this was the one I should have married in the first place. Now, after only 5 months of marriage, she wants a divorce. I’m devastated. I’m lost. She doesn’t blame me but, I still feel broken and responsible. I’m holding a lot of resentment towards her because, she said she shouldn’t have married me in the first place because of her mental state. I give up on women. There just is no point anymore. Nothing makes them happy. Loyalty, love, respect, they lie when they say they want that. They want you to read their minds and it’s impossible to do so. Men aren’t complicated creatures ladies, stop making everything so complicated for us!
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Do you have a good support system to help you?
What if I am the one who filed and left and now feel it was the biggest mistake of my life !
My wife decided to start dating another man while we were still married and everything had been my fault because I wasn’t caring enough this video has touched on things that will help me heal and move forward but how do I learn to trust again and love again
I'm really glad this video was helpful. You're right though, it takes more than a few videos to heal your heart and open yourself to new relationships.
I made a free masterclass that will give more concrete, step by step tools to get to that place. You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Please check it out. I think it will help you see the full path much more clearly.
I’m just coming across your comment and I really don’t like seeing people sad because of heartbreak,Being cheated on or divorced I really don’t like it and I always find a way to con soul them because I have been through hell when it comes to relationship and being cheated on but I moved on and leave the best of my life so if you’re reading this please don’t let it get to you,drink and sleep it off have fun and I believe you will find someone that will love you unconditionally and if you need someone to talk to I can also be there I also want a good and honest chat too
It's been just over 4 years my wife left me for a women. She wanted the divorce.. It's still hard for me. We have a child together. I've done online dating with no success. Rejection has been the biggest thing with me. So sick of depression and loneliness.
i’m at a loss …. aug divorced finalized… and she asked me what do you need to feel secure? I said. Tell me you love me you’re not gonna leave me. It wasn’t a couple months later she wanted to leave
How are you doing now? Do you have a good support system in your life?
I'm sorry. This is one of the hardest things to go thru. Makes you feel, and you know in your own mind it's pathetic, but so painful, that noone really cares about you. It becomes a belief. And it makes one feel ashamed too. People go thru this, lots of reasons why.
You have to learn to be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. If possible get a couple of mates,friends to be with now and then, if that's your way. Put yourself first. Dont be too trustful of anyone. Start to love the simple pleasures, walking, eating, swimming etc etc. Learn about you. Magic can still happen. 🙏❤
Get adequate rest too. Please don't hate me for writing to you. My heart went out to you. I hope you'll be better very soon. 🙏💞
I need help. I have been forcing myself to be so so strong strong/ last 2 days I have been so so sad.
It's one thing to know who you are, but if every woman you date is expecting the mythological character, how can you ever be successful in a relationship?
I think you're falling prey to another myth - that every woman wants the tall, dark, handsome guy with lots of money. Women are human too. We want what all people want - connection, safety, freedom, purpose and agency. If you can respect those needs in yourself and in others, I think you'll find that the way you approach dating shifts significantly.
Men don’t “journal”
Some do.
Writing down things that bother you from your past that keep coming up, helps you to move on and let it go. It helps.
I just went through a divorce last month, hence i searched for videos like this
I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. Do you have some good support to help you through?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I have had many sessions of one to two hours to grieve in the shower by myself, then I chose to advance beyond it. I'm committed to not allowing the end of my 8 year marriage to control my identity. In this time I don't give a damn what people think. Men like me are going to cry in agony and than move on.
I hope you are watching the Johnny Depp trial.
I have been, and I did see your email. Thank you, I think that you're right and I'll explore some possible topics around this idea.
@Elezabirth Cotter Go away
When you ask "what do you want" it baffles me because I can't think of what I want. I don't have a clue what I want. I'm still trying to understand what she wants. Hoe do I get past that?
How to deal with a recently divorced man who doesn't want to date and only wants to meet me at his place? He says it is complicated
I would start by looking inwards and asking yourself a hard question, "Why is that you're finding yourself so deeply attracted to a man who isn't available in the ways you want or need him to be?"
This might be a question to consider unpacking with a therapist, as the answer may be rooted in painful childhood experiences that defined your understanding of love and may have linked love and rejection tightly together in your mind.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for your kind reply 🙏 is childhood always a reason for being attracted to those men?
@@shalimar29 you're welcome. I don't know about always, always :) but it is in childhood when we learn our initial understanding about how to give and receive love, what to expect from relationships and how to stay safe. It often amazes me how deep of an impact those early lessons have on our lives.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach now it is too late to dig in the past. We can't change it or our parents. It is what it is. Many women struggle with finding a good partner nowadays. Times have changed and it is not easy in the dating world. This affects woman's health and wellbeing more than the childhood did. Do you agree? Also what free tips would you give to women in order to make better choices?
@@shalimar29 I actually disagree - yes, the dating world has changed a lot, but it is our insecure attachment patterns, our fears and doubts learned in childhood that deeply influence how we date, which partners we're attracted to, who we dismiss and how we show up when we meet people.
I would strongly recommend taking stock and getting curious - who do you find yourself attracted to or attracting? What is it that those relationships do for you? What unmet needs does a 'bad' partner actually fulfil? Usually around validation, worthiness.
Working with an emotionally focused therapist is a great way to unpack and heal past wounds, and working with a coach is a good way to start to change unhelpful thought patterns.
You may find the book, "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself" by Joe Dispenza helpful as a starting point!
I’ll never marry again. That’s the way I feel. I’m her third husband and she just straight gave up on me. Brutal divorce incoming
I actually kind of am both those stereotypes but I’m still crushed. Not fun.
I may just be too bought into it from my life experience, but seems like these are not myths. Dating apps favor the sexy types as all you have to go on is photos. And the guy my wife left me for was a physically stronger guy. I know there plenty of reasons I became unattractive to my wife. But it fits these “myths” more than I want to admit. I hope I’m not making your point perfectly of how strongly we believe these things, haha.
Hi Jordan, thanks for sharing this!
Attraction certainly has many components. Biology is one, and the argument can be made that humans evolved to be more attracted to specific body types (women with broad hips to bear children or men with muscular arms to protect their offspring). I'm a scientist at heart, and I do think biology plays a role.
Yet the cultural narrative is another POWERFUL player in the arena of attraction. Look at how we've gone in the fashion world away from curvaceous beauties of Roman sculpture or Victorian fashion to favoring excessively skinny and even androgenous female models to an infatuation with the cartoonish proportions of Barbie or Anime and now the movement towards more "inclusive" fashion showcasing women of all sizes including what some would define as obese.
Biology plays a roll in attraction and so do thoughts. And our thoughts are influenced by a lot of things, including movies, fashion magazines, etc.
It doesn't really matter where the thoughts come from though, because the result is the same - you're attracted to some bodies and not to others.
The belief I would encourage you to challenge for yourself is that All Women are attracted to the same body types. Yes, there is a cultural narrative that defines beauty and sex appeal. Yet the attraction an individual feels is shaped by more than just that story.
Look at men- some are attracted to big breasts, others to skinny women, others to fat women. Some like blond hair and others prefer black hair... it goes on and on! It can be fun to explore the differences in attraction with your friends if they'll share honestly about it.
I'm sorry to be vulgar, but a quick glance at the wide variety of porn categories on any site is proof of the vast variation in male attraction. I assure you that such variety exists within women as well.
The myths are powerful, and cognitive bias makes our brains focus on those things that they believe (or fear) are true.
See what happens if you challenge that cognitive bias. Yes, the myth is out there... but what exceptions do you see? Is it possible that people are attracted to a wider range of body types than you thought? And if you get curious and start questioning... how might that impact the way you interact with women?
Jordan there are lots of beauties who stay with bald and fat men, I have seen. They are only in Hollywood movies. So not all girls leave for physical strength. Cheer up.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
so it's possible one is not attracted to his wife because he likes a particular body type ?
The best advice I got before getting married is, don't ever get married. I wish I would have listened to my friends advice. 😢
Society has told women its ok to have an OF while in a relationship, have men on the side and so forth....men and wo.en love different
Men, NEVER get married!
I cant take it. Im broken inside and every women i almost have loses interest once i express interest. There is no point in dating. Most women play games
I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY TWIN GIRLS!!! MY TRUE LOVES...BRAINWASHING NOW CASUED THEM TO NOT SPEAK TO ME ANYMORE..AND I FOUGHT 2 YRS IN COURT AND 200K FOR JT CUSTODY;;;SHE IGNORED THE AGREEMENT....NOW IM FULLY BROKEN - SOUL AND HEART!@!!!
My wife is giving me one more shot and weve been married for 4 years and i have pushed her away for 4 years and now im striving to let her in but now shes scared to open up
Hi Jason, do you and she have support in this process? Creating emotional safety where there is a history of its lack can be challenging. It takes time and consistency to build trust, and a professional can be a HUGE help in this process. If you don't already have a therapist, I would strongly recommend reaching out to someone certified in EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy.
You can find someone in your area here: members.iceeft.com/therapist-search/find-an-eft-therapist.php
There is also a great program you and your wife can work through together at home, called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson. You can find the details here: holdmetightonline.com/
U are lucky to have had a last shot
How are things going?
The only solution is to get a passport
Never married and no children, I'm so grateful to GOD for saving me from modern day slavery (LEGAL MARRIAGE). Marriage is a grievous error for us men, staying single for life.
I don't even know what emotional intelligent means. It's some bullshit term people invents to pretend they're intelligent
I just wanted to be special to her. Thats all. Instead I wasn't a good enough man for her. Now I lose everything. I'm in the Army and I have no Idea how im going to have a place to live at my next duty station.
I make 20,000 dollars a yr
I invest and I save
I eat organic and I cook all my meals
I am car free and have a e-bike
I am 27yrs old male saving for retirement
So 20,000 dollars is a perfect start for me
Because of all the things I listed
I also used to be homeless
So all the money I make is MINE
It’s not the governments or a ex wife
I smoke weed every single day
I can buy anything I want as along as it’s not over one million dollars lol
My I have 5 brothers and all of them are on child support
My dads kids are all grown and my mom still gets money from him
Why would I get married again???
Kids and sex?
I can adopt and pay a hoe for sex
My dad pays my mom money and she’s 60yrs old
And he’s 64yrs old
It’s cute until its isn’t lol
Negative for men 😂
In india is more dangerous
Omg why won't men date anymore in 2023?
Family laws is the main reason so never get advice from women
Your videos are NOT for me…. I’m humbly confident in my self inside out…I was looking for help in moving forward alone since I’m used to being with someone else to share the risk and daily challenges of life in general…. ✌️ I’m out of here (Italian accent) 😂
Sounds like you're working from an excellent foundation. Thanks for trying out the videos, and I hope you find what you're looking for!
I was angry, not broken. With exceptions, of course, to hell with today's women. Besides, solitude is necessary to do the things I need/want to do and having a female in my space would be nothing but an irritating distraction, unless I decide to have company. The autonomous lifetyle is best. Period.
Beautifully said bro🖤🖤
I wished my ex felt the same way towards women. Instead he moved a woman in the home we shared for 23 years and tells me he’s “happy now” 🙄