Why is Life So Hard After Divorce, Especially for Men?
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- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
- Do you want your life to be better than it is now? In this video I explain the 2 reasons that your life is hard right now, and the 3 simple things you need to know in order to move on with confidence, get over your ex and live a life that is BETTER than it was before your divorce.
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Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't kneecap your relationships.
You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future. And now you can get access to the same step by step, proven system that has already helped hundreds of men do just that, inside the Better Beyond Divorce App.
GET ACCESS TO THE BETTER BEYOND DIVORCE APP NOW:
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Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
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Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive. amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place. amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
I'm Rachael. I help men get through divorce and rebuild who they are to get healthy, get happy and move on with confidence.
Why is life so hard after divorce, especially for men? What keeps you struggling to get over your ex after divorce when other men move one, claiming that, for them, life is better after divorce? What separates you from them? That’s the question I’ll answer for you in this video, so that you know exactly how to rebuild yourself as the relaxed, happy, confident, capable man you’d like to be.
Life is hard after divorce for men for two reasons. The first is emotional. A divorce brings up a lot of painful emotions, and they are all linked to being with your partner. Which means when you think of the future, and of connecting intimately with someone new, it triggers all of the pain of your divorce. You can’t even think about how to meet women after divorce, because the very idea of being with one brings up all the nastiness of your divorce.
The second reason is simply that the end of a marriage is confusing. If you don’t fully understand what went wrong in your marriage, how can you look ahead and imagine creating a new one? Instead of moving on after divorce, many men stuck second guessing the past.
In order to finally get over your ex after divorce and move on with confidence, there are three things you need. You need a system for understanding and explaining the past (including the emotions that are coming up for you), a roadmap for success in the future and an intentional visualization practice. - Навчання та стиль
It’s a wild thought, but in a way, it makes sense. Divorce can really shake up your finances if you're not prepared
That's true, especially if you haven't planned for it. It's not just about splitting assets like the house and savings, but also about investments and long-term portfolios. Divorce can wreak havoc on all of that.
Yeah, I’ve seen couples go through divorce and lose a lot, especially when they hadn’t prepared for the financial hit. Their portfolios got cut in half, and then they had to start from scratch, sometimes right before retirement
It’s tough. You spend years building your investments and then suddenly, everything has to be split. If your portfolio isn’t well-managed, it can be even worse. It’s crazy how quickly your financial future can change
I think that’s where a lot of people slip up-they don’t realize how valuable professional advice is until it’s too late. Especially during a divorce when emotions run high, it’s easy to make mistakes with your finances
Exactly! I was talking to Joseph Nick Cahill, a CFP, and he said one of the best things you can do is get a clear view of your assets early on, even before a divorce. He offers free consultations, and it really helps to get a roadmap for how to handle things if it comes to that
Men: life after divorce is terrible in the first 3 months, but by the end of the year, you thank God every single day for the divorce, for the freedom from drama, tension and humiliation.
My wife just filed for divorce, my mother in law wrecked my marriage,
I am struggling massively and don't know how to fix it
Wife is so cold and totally ghosted me like I never existed
Not sure what to do 😢
@@harps8248 don't do anything, they are already doing it for you. What good will you get saving a marriage that has nothing for you.
Just try to protect your assets if you can, but I doubt that since she already filed for it. Bro the only option I see you have is to consult a good lawyer, and let the pieces fall where they may. Good luck.
It takes longer than a month
Amen brother.
@harps8248 Understanding that your wife never gave a shit about you is a very heavy lift. Hold tight and keep the gun out of your mouth. You will start discovering life is very easy and rewarding without her bullshit.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 5 years ended, but i couldn't just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Intriguing! I'm curious, how did you find a spiritual counselor, and what's the most effective way for me to reach him?
Meet father Akunna, a renowned spiritual counselor acclaimed for his talent in bringing back ex-partners.
Thank you for this valuable information.
Well you write beautifully and I really hope you feel better soon.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
My wife of 20 years divorced me whilst I was stuck in the UAE during the pandemic. I believe that she had been unfaithful to me and felt totally trapped. My children stopped talking to me and I was unable to return to our former matrimonial home. I had to rebuild a life bottom up. A new home, new city, new job. Use your targets to take your mind off how you feel about what you have lost. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Good luck to all who are going through this right now. You are all in my prayers!
Thanks for sharing your story, I am in a similar position.
How did u cope with your kids turning against you
@@AB-cl6qc I lived an honest life. Eventually they came around. Just takes time.
@@AB-cl6qc They probably saw andrew tate on tiktok and changed their minds
@@anthonyfitzpatrick3832 Im there too...my sons dont want to talk to me and their mom is trying to destroy me. I dont even want to live
Rachael there is one more reason why divorce can be extremely difficult. When your wife of nearly thirty years takes everything you have worked for to provide for her and kids future leaving you homeless. Theft of my share of our money and retirement account and a loss of career because of her actions on a lie. It's not impossible because I have over come some of those issues, but I had a hell of a time getting back to somewhat normal life even with a structured plan over the last 6 years. Money makes a huge difference on how a man can pick up the pieces and move on. Not so, if there is a lack there of. Living in a car for a good while can really become a test of resilience and perseverance in starting over.
This is such a common story.
My friend suffered the same thing.
50/50 is fair in most cases where there are no children and time is not on either side….
You're right, absolutely. And starting over financially when you're also dealing with the emotional agony of divorce is no easy task. It can be hard to access resilience or perserverance when you're in deep grief or even despair from divorce. Thank you for bringing up this topic and sharing your own experience.
How are you doing now?
oh did she conveniently forget to mention the theft of a man's assets? How convenient.
I had no $ and signed the house over to my ex for $1 because she said she couldn’t afford to keep it & I didn’t want my kids to lose the only home they ever knew. After I did that I found out she’d been putting $ away for years & had enough to refinance, buy a new car & able to retire at 50. Then she lied to the court for 5yrs & claimed minimum wage when she actually made 20x that amount but she was self employed & falsified the paperwork. Meanwhile i lived with my elderly parents who lived only on SS & I didn’t have the $ to hire an attorney & prove she lied. My child support was 10x what it should have been but it’s over in May after 6yrs & I’ll be working til im 80 now while she’ll be laying on the beach. So I hear ya!! How do you move on when your blood boils!!! Im 51yrs old and it’s even harder & more frustrating to try to start over. I still haven’t dated since the divorce & you begin to feel how at this age do you even begin!?
Claim bankruptcy and move to Asia
My wife just asked for a divorce after 18 years. I've never been so miserable. I cant even think about starting over at 47.
You definitely can and it will take a while but you will do just fine. I have videos on my channel about this topic. If you feel like they would help you out. Good luck to you.
On the bright side i can tell you from watching hundreds of strong successful males videos, she will not be able to replace you. The courts may reward her but she will probably not be getting much commitment from other guys at this stage
35 year marriage 40 years together and she just left and says she is 60 and only has 10 good years left. Total BS though as she had an affair with a coworker (denies everything). Starting over at 60 but I am 4 months out and actually getting excited about it.
You can and will start over. Not from square one but from an even stronger place. I was you 8 years ago. I'm now happier than ever. Keep the faith! Good things will return to you.
I am in the same position. Everyone tells you things will be better. I am not going to lie, they may or may not. What I think you need to do is what YOU think is best for you. These videos might be helpful but are not a cure all. The only answer is found within you. Handle it the way that works for YOU. It may be harder, it may take longer but at least YOU did it.
Do not get married. Divorce is one of the hardest things you'll go through. The odds are totally stacked against men. It's just not worth losing everything you've worked for.
I'm afraid you're right that the odds are stacked against men in many, many cases. And I'm sorry if you've gone through some of that yourself.
How are you doing now? If you're open to sharing, what helped you move forward?
Totally Agree! Getting married is easy, divorcing is hard!!!!!
I’ve been recovering from losing most of my life savings in a divorce, for a couple years now. This really is the best advice. I would add that it’s fine and harmless (in most states) to have the ceremony and do everything else to make a real marriage. But do not do the legal piece; it’s extremely dangerous with almost no upside. There’s around a 40% chance your partner will take or destroy most of what you built during the marriage (and in my case, before as well.)
Many men are even losing what they build afterward, when their ex-wives see that they’ve recovered financially and want another piece of the pie.
I will never get married again
@@easlernI’m about to go through this now. I didn’t get married until I was 52. That’s why I avoided marriage for so long because of losing a lot of my resources.
It’s just really tough especially with betrayal
I spent alot of time on social media and was critical of my wifes family.. So my wife left me 2 years ago taking the three kids whom i absolutely adore. In that time ive been trying in vain to get her back. Shes now looking for a divorce. I just feel ive 15 years of hell ahead of me. Wife is building a new house and lives a half an hour away. I work shiftwork so i can only see the kids every odd weekend. They miss me too which is painful. I'm in my 40's and dont fancy sitting in bars on my own and any society i join is made up of retirees or v young people. I feel like ive missed the train with my wife and kids and im standing alone on the platform. Its so surreal and its hard to know the way ahead while not missing out on the kids. It feels like a dog eat dog world. Its easy for people to give advice but theyre not in this hole.
subbed. thank you so much for making this video. my wife left me 2 months ago and the divorce is supposed to be finalized next week. over the past few months ive gone through so many emotions from remorse, hopelessness, to hate and anger. Ive been trying to stay positive and have been working out, losing weight, and working on remodeling my house. the past few weeks i have been feeling great and looking forward to the future.
Stay strong and there is life after divorce....... this is going to be my 3rd divorce... I'm staying in my basement and just got summoned yesterday... We can both walk away with 100k.... But.... We've been arguing for 4 years and been married for 6 years... We just argued for the last 3 hours... ugggg
A lot said. I've been alone most of my life till I met my ex wife. When you finally meet someone who excepts you for you, you or I am in bliss. The happiest you've ever been. And when things fall apart and your alone once again, you keep digging that hole. Being in the hole so long you call it home. Some of you guys know what I mean. You just keep going deeper. 😒
Sending you warm feelings buddy. Hope you’re doing better. I am, started taking medication, this is shit and it has its own risks but if you take the right one this can be a real help. Using bupropion since it’s not supposed to have effects on libido.
Divorced for 2 years and I've never been more happy in my adult life. It was the best thing that ever happened to me after the birth of my son.
you got custody of your son, right? that's why you can say that...
24 years of marriage and we are now going separate ways. She is struggling because I am moving on, I am growing, changing and becoming the best version of myself and when she sees me I am rock solid emotionally. She has reverted to an ex fling, who is not a responsible choice, but I think a choice in an effort to make me, the person she wanted to leave jealous. 🤷🏻♂️ I don’t care, you broke my heart, and that happens once. I am good, peace to all who are struggling, please take care of you and thrive….You got this!
Life after divorce can be great for a man. Unfortunately that does not include having a relationship with a women. Life is about learning a lesson and after losing 95 % of my money, child support for ten years and not seeing my kids again I have learnt my lesson.
Thanks for commenting Max. I'm sorry to hear that you went through such a painful and difficult experience. How are you doing now?
@@rabbitholelibrary8994 I am doing better. These days a lot of my time is spent helping male friends from days gone by whose marriages are failing or have failed. I honestly believe that most men are better off by themselves. The trauma they can suffer both financially and emotionally is divorce is simply not worth it.
I think there are a lot of men out there who would agree with you. In my coaching practice I have found that there is alternative to completely avoiding relationships with women.
The reason that most people (not just men) find themselves suffering trauma in relationships is because they are repeating subconscious patterns they learned long ago about how to seek love and how to protect themselves.
When you can recognize and change those patterns in yourself you free yourself to attract and experience new and different kinds of relationships. I've seen it happen many times with my clients. When they finally break free from the grip of those old patterns (and old beliefs about what relationships need to be like) they find themselves in a very different kind of relationship with a very different kind of woman.
Humans are hard wired for connection. We crave it. It's been my experience that suppressing that by avoiding relationships may protect you from pain but it also creates a whole different kind of suffering.
If instead you change the old pattern you can enjoy deep and intimate relationships without the trauma.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I have not given up relationships completely. I received a txt about 2 months ago from a previous girl I knew and we met up. She had asked me on numerous occasions many years ago to marry her. I always said no. She had recently given up online dating. So I said to her that we could see each other but these are the rules. No marriage and no cohabitation ever. She has now agreed. Seems to be really hard for single mothers dating today. But this is the long term result of destroying men in divorce court. See what u think about "love" when u lose a lifetime of money, your children, and sleep in your car for 6 months. Never again.
Max Ward - Your comment really moved me inside and I really hope that things are getting better for you slowly but surely. The only so called comfort I can write is to tell you that many other men have marriage horror stories too but we tend to suffer in silence while women publicly, generally get lots of sympathy even when they are wrong.
More and more men are now seeing that marriage is nothing but a financial insurance policy for women. If it does not work for any reason they will cash in via spousal support, child support, usually get the house, etc. In fact many women nowadays will actually get married to someone they may not particularly like but will do so for security. I even warn my own son not to get married even if she is a model. Definitely not hating on women because I love them but the rules are definitely weighted in their favor. I would rather face Mike Tyson in the ring than get married.
Thank you for such a clear presentation of hope. Two months post a divorce I didn’t want and I’m so thankful for this.
You're very welcome David. And I'm sorry to hear that things have been so hard. It's easy to be overwhelmed when so much is outside of your control... yet there is so much potential for the future if you can help your brain shift its focus to the things which are under your control. Thanks for watching!
I am seeking for my forever now,my husband died some years ago and it feels lonely being single.Seeking to find the one to spend rest of my life with.I will appreciate a reply on this and lets see how we can get in contact off here,maybe we can be a match.All I want is true love
I feel very jealous of you in a good way that you took your divorce. My ex girlfriend which I was married too she refuses to give me divorce and has me hanging up for about 3 years. I'm still young and can't build up my life. I'm pretty sure that my ex she does that for revenge. Plus I have no doubt that she was a covert narcissist, silent treatment, cold , in and out, manipulative, actress first class and laughing right in front of my face while I was feeling pain. Gotta go to study about narcissism as well. The damage that they do is incurable
How much paid in alimony
Guys do yourself a favor and figure out something good for yourself after the divorce.
A lot of men don't stay in a struggling phase, 160,000 men have committed suicide over divorce issues.
The divorce is going to absolutely be horrible, but do things for yourself after the divorce. If you're currently going through the divorce figure out what is on the other side of the storm, and keep your focus on that.
I think that is great advice, Brendon. Finding the good, the things you can do for yourself, the ways to make your life fuller, richer and better after the divorce is a powerful way to focus your energy on creating possibility for yourself - a great antidote to the helplessness many people get stuck in during and after divorce.
I was married 43 years I never hit her, and we only had 3 arguments and ended up laughing
I paid all the bills even when we were struggling
2 children well educated in university
Hugged and kissed and said I love you every morning
Came home one night, and the door was locked, and the police behind me who arrested me for threatening behaviour which I wasn't doing
Then I got a restraining order and I still don't have any clue what the problem was
Women are weird, and it's destroyed me, and that's the Gospel truth
How are you doing ?
DONT GET LEGALLY MARRIED. ITS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!
21 years and half my life down the drain last week. Tried to off myself because of the news. I'm so disgusted with the sacrifices I made and the unappreciation. I begged for her to just be supportive and decent for years and nothing. I will probably be fine but the the fucking backstabbing is unforgivable.
I am right now going through same boat as you. Its hard but trust in god, the most merciful, the one, life is not some mechanical two molecules smashed together, there is something deeper, a supreme conscious being who is essence of all, who created all of this to experience it all. God will definitely listen to our supplications and will compensate you handsomely for all your sacrifices and his karma will definitely take away the fulfillment and happiness from your wife's heart, and she will be so depressed, iam sure of it. God is never injust. after all god created everything as transaction and has cost and consequences just like newtons laws of physics for every action there is action equal and opposite in measure. I raised my hands in prayer and made supplications over my wifes actions and god heard my prayers many times, and made many instances her life harder.
@@beyondheartmindsoul3443
You just gave me hope my brother! I too gave my ex 15 years...stay at home mom, homeschooled our boys, I paid for everything. Now she is trying to destroy me.
Thank you
the fear after divorce is like that of a little kid getting abandoned in a grocery store..
its the same thing more or less.
It’s more like being left purposefully at a gas station in the middle of nowhere with no money or anything because it’s all inside of the car she stole
My wife has just told me she wants a divorce, neither of us have done anything wrong the relationship has in her words fizzled out and she can't tell me what went wrong just that she's not in love with me any more, I'm really struggling to see how I can move on I'm still 100% in love with my wife but there I'd no hope, I feel like a broken shell
I’m in the same boat brother 16 years and she just dosent love me any more! We got two kids this is the worst fing thing I’ve ever felt at 42 years old and it’s only been 4 days since she told me
Hi David, I know this may be a hard question to answer, but if you take a few deep breaths and ask yourself very honestly, do you think that there is a possibility of reconciling and saving your marriage, or do you believe it is over and you need to learn to move on?
Hi Stephen, I'd like to ask you the same question... if you ask yourself really honestly, after knowing this woman for at least 16 years, is the marriage over and you need to move forward or could there be a possibility of fixing things between you?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach honestly 70/30 but it’s the first time ever she said she wasn’t in love with me anymore and she is a straight shooter and a good honest woman so I may be wrong about my odds but I’m trying to fix it I have to try
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach hi Rachael, I don't believe there is any chance, I have suggested marriage coucling or a trail separation to see how she feels and the answer to any question I have is a definite " no it won't help". I have spoken to her mum and she believes that once I've moved out and the dust has settled she'll want me back. But I've never seen my wife like this before. She's started a new job working with people 10 to 15 years younger than her and she's been going out more, I never had a problem with that I've always trusted her from day 1 but since start this job she has changed
My wife left me after 25 years and never really explained what happened. It's mentally dibilitating
Sorry to hear this, and it definitely is a long journey out of it. I have videos on my channel that may be able to help you out where I share similar stories. Good luck to you.
omg man im with you on that one its like ok can you please tell me why you left me so i can figure this out... is she with someone else already or do you suspect that?
Same here dude. A month and a half before our 25th anniversary. One long text and never another word. Nothing of substance to work on or self-improve. No attempt to save the marriage. Just gone. It's getting better but still plenty of tough days.
@@andyjohnson5484 ya andy its super rough im a average looking guy im 51 nothing special my dream my whole life was to have a girl in fitness so i was looking on facebook i friended alot of bikini fitness competitors and some how lucked out this girl started talking to me i was 40 she was 29 drop dead gorgeous bikini competitor rock hard body what were the chances. and i landed it i went her way we moved to vegas got married she treated me so good never in a million years would i have thought she would leave.. but i just laid there i didnt take care of her like i should have i gambled alot as well i literally threw my dream away. but when she said i love you but im not in love with you anymore it came out of nowhere she was acting different leading up to that everything got weird and just like that shes gone she moved to a apartment. with her 14 year old girl that ive raised since she was 3. we still have had no discussion of why this even happened like why couldnt we get help why couldnt i get help why was it just im done good bye. now she travlels alot for fitness related things so i stay at her apartment and make sure her daughter gets to and from places and make sure she eats but i feel like im being used to make her life easier. i know there has to be another guy in the picture... she acts so wierd.... do you suspect your wife had another guy she was talking to?? how was she acting?? sorry for the long story
Same. 23.5 years
Yeah it was super hard especially having been with a Narcissist for 18 years. It was hard at first as we have 3 kids. Then one day I just felt a sense of peace. I am also a person of faith. It has helped me immensely. The biggest hiccups are when I set boundaries with the ex and the usual rage that ensues on her part as she no longer has control over me. Still it is easier and easier to say no and ignore the rage.
did you get custody of your kids or at least 50/50? i bet you did coz it would be impossible to get over not seeing your children...
@@neihomai8 well she has primary because I work an odd schedule, including nights and 2 weekends a month. I am an ER doctor. She has primary but I see them most days. I take them to school and/or pick them up throughout the week depending on my shift. I do homework with youngest every week. My two older are independent, including my oldest who kind of bops around. We go to gym regularly though and he is getting ready for college. I also take my youngest to extra curricular activities. I am obligated to work 2 weekends a month. So have them the other 2 weekends. She travels often to be with her bf who lives out of state (he was in the picture before separation). She leaves them with her parents if it’s not my free weekend, I still will see them. My ex MIL is very nice and easy to coordinate things with.
I barely date and if I do, it’s on weeknights. I won’t hesitate to break a date though if the kids want to do something, and I’ve broken dates. I’ve not brought anyone around my kids and have no plans to do so. She introduced her bf right away and even had them with her when he was present overnights.
I just have different values.
The biggest things are the way she is slyly attempting to alienate them and try to introduce her new bf.
Also, it’s the lies she spreads in the community about the circumstances of our split. My fiends know the truth, but many casual acquaintances will barely acknowledge me. It’s kind of bizarre really and took a bit of getting used to.
Counseling has helped. He basically said “narcissists are charming. They will lie about you. They will take. Now that you’re discarded, you mean nothing at all. Their goal is to make you not matter. There will be no moral bottom. Set boundaries. Stay firm. Keep your head down. There will be no justice. Accept it. When she disagrees, she will throw many other things at you to distract. Don’t ever answer. Just stick to the point, ignore the rest. Never defend yourself. You don’t have to anymore.”
The best advice.
If you’re going through it. Good luck!
@@johnbaugh2437 thanks for your reply. "There will be no justice." damn that hurts.
i only get to see my kids once every 14 days thanks to the fucked up system in my country, and thanks to my ex that is very much a narcissist. so you get to see your kids way more than i do, and i'd imagine i'd be ok if i got to see my kids as often as you do.
with me only seeing my kids once every 14 days, i don't know how to carry on.... it's so hard and painful.... i don't know how i can carry on with only seeing my kids once every two weeks...
thanks for your reply...
Hello Rachael I really loved this video and obviously the reason that I am watching this video is because I recently when through a divorce with one of the most incredible woman in the world. Its been over a month and I am still struggling on a daily basis. I am reaching out here cuz I still would like to go deeper in this video. I will book a free session with you but I definitely need help.
Hi Ian, although you and I have spoken, I wanted to reply to you here as well in case the response is helpful for someone else in our YT community :)
You wrote here that it's been over a month and you're still struggling on a daily basis. I just want to say that this is so very, very normal. A month is not a long time. I wish there were a magic pill to fix what you're feeling, but the reality is that divorce is a loss which requires grieving, and grieving takes time.
In their hurry to escape the emotional pain of loss, I see and hear from many people who try to rush through grieving and the whole process of divorce recovery.
Instead, I'd like to encourage you and anyone else who reads this to give yourself time and really honor what your mind and body need. Grieving is healthy. Moving through sadness, anger, hurt and even learning to process shame and guilt are not bad things. If you can learn to quiet your worrying thoughts and listen to your body, it knows how to move through grief. Our nervous systems know what to do if our brains stay out of the way.
I'm writing this because one of the saddest things I see is people who skip or rush this process and then end up feeling bitter, mistrustful or disconnected from others in the future. They may have avoided pain and built up strong walls around their emotions, but those very defenses will also prevent them from connecting on a deep, intimate level in the future. And we're all human, which means we thrive within relationships. They don't have to be romantic relationships, or even necessarily human relationships (people with strong bonds to animals, nature or God have lived happy, fulfilled lives largely isolated from other people) but the human nervous system comes into balance most easily within a felt sense of connection. This has now been well researched within the fields of attachment science and emotionally focused therapy.
The grieving process, if allowed to happen in your body, will help you move through the pain of your loss and out the other side in a way that allows you to take the risk of future connection, rather than building a barricade between you and the rest of the world.
It takes time. And it involves feeling pain. But you won't be alone on that path, and I hope you can allow yourself to take it.
I have been divorced 5 years now from my ex wife
Feels like a mountain lifted from my shoulders cannot speak for other men but I am happy being single after 31 years of marriage ...
Hi Bill, I'm glad to hear that you're doing so well. If you're open to sharing, would you mind telling us what it is, specifically, that took the weight off for you? I think some of the other viewers would certainly be interested in hearing more about your experience if you're up for it. If not, I understand, and thank you for watching. It's great that you're happy!
I am seeking for my forever now,my husband died some years ago and it feels lonely being single.Seeking to find the one to spend rest of my life with.I will appreciate a reply on this and lets see how we can get in contact off here,maybe we can be a match.All I want is true love
@@lisagreene804
True love
The ultimate goal
You're quite a compassionate person Rachael, I see bitterness and resentment towards women in the comments in your videos, but you keep chugging along, telling the truth.
The guys who thrive wife's represented themselves like my ex-wife or are super rich. It all comes down to finances, self reflection and learning from your mistakes. If your divorce ruined you financially good luck with your dating life because having money and resources is what most women want out of a husband.
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It sounds like maybe you've been through a messy divorce yourself? If so, I'm sorry to hear it. I would like to offer a glimmer of hope, if you're looking for one :)
For a lot of men it feels like most women want money and resources and not much else. That's been their experience and those are the women they seem to attract/be attracted to.
What they don't realize is that they're own subconscious beliefs and relationship patterns are the problem, not women in general. There are many women out there who value honesty, connection and shared values over money and resources. However many men won't notice or be attracted to those women because they are subconsciously acting out their own beliefs and patterns about love, attraction and relationships. These patterns are born in childhood and most of us go through life without ever examining or choosing them.
You can enjoy a rich, healthy and happy relationship with a woman who isn't interested in your money (you can even enjoy a relationship with a woman who is the breadwinner in the relationship). But you can't do it unless you examine and shift some of your own underlying beliefs. You can attract a different kind of partner if you're willing to do a little work on your own brain.
Currently going through a divorce was heartbroken and tried everything to fox it in the end she choose someone else and i know we will never get back to what we were. She has shown me her current self and does not include you. Sell the house and move on! The money will help restart you life. I have 3 kids and i dont want men in and out of our old house we bought together. I will be fine but she needs to figure out on her own
Bro you're not alone I am going through this right now. I am trying to stay positive with my wife but it looks like Sunday we will be looking forward to a divorce 20 yrs down the drain and 5 kids I need to worry about right now. FML.
@@warpony5654 hey i know how you feel its sucks. but it will get better we cant hold on to the past version of her, cherish the memories. we cant expect woman to be content cause they get bored or get older and want to feel young again.
Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!
my lawyer told me for months to act 1st.. he said your abused physically and me mentally.. but yet uiu do nothing.. soon as my ex saw the end she played the courts and started all kinds of actions against me.. i was smart enough to leave and not put my fait in her hands bit many me. dont get out on time and end up losing it all. once the problems and issues start lawyer up remove yourself and go no contact.. leave them be and move on
Same happened to me. It was the wisest move I could have made. She abused me physically for 2 years until last straw I went to the police. She got RO and was forced to go out of the house. Now I have another problem which is children are with me 24/7 and as a single father I am exhausted. Babysitters and other solutions are very expensive. Needless to say I can't date as I never have time for myself. Also I didn't make a prenup and lawyer said she is still entitled to 50% of my savings regardless of what she did.
@@titi7776 I'm sorry you had to go through that. But managing things legally with some protection for yourself sounds like a very wise first move. There's no question my crazy ex partner was on the warpath to put me in prison for false allegations. I guess to get ahead of things with a restraining order as you know turned out to be a wise protective move. Be safe!
My life ended with the wordes "i want a divorce". I hung around out of cowardice and not wishing to hurt my mom. Mostly the former.
Not dieing, but not living is just a different form of suicide.
In fact its just a slow painful death, my mistake was thinking it could ever get better.
This may be odd, but I feel much better after my divorse. I sleep better, I am calmel, stress is all time low. I can finally make plans for my life. No, divorse is the best!
For men, the difficult part is realizing that women do not experience true love. Women do not "love" in the sense that men understand it. Love for women will always be conditional and based on their own self serving agenda. When a man accepts this and fully processes it completely, he can move on into a new world devoid of this unfortunate game. After that, life becomes amazing. We just need to let go of the idea that women actually "love" anything.
Whenever the brain uses absolutes like "ALL women do xyz" or "women will NEVER love", it is a pretty strong clue that we're operating from biases driven by fear.
If you've been through the ringer in a divorce, that fear makes a lot of sense. The brain wants to protect you from that kind of devastating future pain by writing off all women and creating a clear set of beliefs and rules that will protect you.
But protection like that can easily become a prison that isolates you and prevents you from experiencing love and meaningful connection.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Fear? You're damn right. I'm fearful of falling to my death but I work at height and rock climb with confidence for recreation, eh? I can control the danger with constructive fear balanced by reality and decision making.
The amount of real danger with women far outweighs any benefit. Women offer no venue to participate that is reliable, rational nor honest.
These are not "beliefs" that dictate my rules but the clear facts of this game.
Let me rephrase for clarity: The vast amount of women have shown that their concept of love is based on agenda and gain, certainly not respect or appreciation for the individual. This is not a meaningful relationship, nor love.
This kind of "meaningful connection and love" is worthy of isolating from and you are now seeing men avoid it en masse for excellent reasons. Women have been assessed as an uncontrolled life hazard that cannot be mitigated to acceptable levels. This is men's experience talking, with their feet. There is no argument against this, it is happening rationally. If this is women's demonstrated type of love... we don't want it. We are just fine without this sort of "love and affection", don't worry. I understand that women are in a panic over losing so many valid financial sponsors at such a fast rate but it is not men's problem. Men decide who to ask to marry, who they court or even take on a date. Regardless of what women think about how men should choose for relationships... women advertise themselves and men choose them or not. More and more men do not like the offerings so are choosing to be alone. That is where we are at, men have learned to avoid the problems associated with women. it is women who cannot be alone and that is a women's problem it seems.
Truth
I heard the only reason they even get married is because dildos can't move furniture....I moved furniture around every week when I was married! I think my buddy was right.
@@StaggerLee68 you speak truth my friend its been 20 yrs for me not a single relationship because she was my love but ended it i did everything right yet it wasnt enough,the lying and cheating i thought it would never happen cause we blindly trust and love but it did i dont trust anyone and will never again trust women they are all hypergamous and initiate 80 percent of divorces today marriage is in steep decline and as men we know why ,dont we!
Im 26 and my wife just asked for a divorce. We have been together for 9 years married almost 3. We started dating as juniors in high school. Ive become so depedent on her that im not sure what to do emotionally. Im hurt, im sad, im hollow right now. How does one start over when ive spent 1/3 of my young life with the same person?
The only problem I have now that I’m divorced is that people who are just getting married make me mad. When I go to weddings now I tell the groom to run as fast as he can out of there.
I think it’s best to not even pay attention to traditional relationships if you’ve been through a divorce or separation. That experience wakes us off so much that I have no interest in ever getting married, I talk a lot about it on my channel if you feel like it would resonate. Good luck to you.
I’m getting divorced been together for 18 married for 13. I’m so sad . Maybe I’ll just date dudes… not ! But seriously I’m at an all time low. I bought her this home with a pool, raised our eldest son from her first marriage, have 3 biological children with her. I’m taking all the debt bought her a brand new car . Losing half the equity in our home, joint custody 50/50 but I still have to pay 1grand and her cell for 2 years! I make 130k a year pretty good for a GED. I hope one day I can be somewhat happy again. If you have a woman do whatever it takes to keep her. Sucks she turned 42 partying like she’s 21 while I stay home with the babies. God bless everyone and this just really sucks.
My wife told me last night that she wants to end us. I have no idea who I am if not for her. She’s been my everything.
I'm in the same boat. My wife of 12 years decided to leave me in January. I'm nothing without her. I just lie in bed all day. I'm so depressed, all I want to do is die
@@russellcampbell1625 dude. That is shit. It will get better. Just gotta go through the motions. Whilst I don’t know your particulars, all I can say in general is be a better friend to yourself. Go the gym, find a good hobby you can sink time into ( I myself now paint warhammer models (more therapeutic than I thought) Get into cooking, & Pick out some new clothes - I can’t tell you how much better I felt after I spent some cash on some new gear. What’s done is done, all you can do now, is work on you and get into a good headspace. It won’t feel shit forever. You got this pal.
Just going though it. Painful. But ... whatever is now, things were good once. Feel grareful for that too. Challenge is to let go. Not there yet but hope, I will.
I got divorced couple years ago. I had my own company and everything was taken. It was so deflating. I was incredibly driven before & my whole life. I can’t seem to find my drive again. Why? And where do I start to find it again?
My wife of 3 years together for 10 total left me out of no where never gave me a sign or told me stuff was wrong. We have a son turning two next month ever since my son was born it was like she disconnected from me. Sex was very far and in between. But I thought it was just her not liking her body after the birth. I tried telling her she was more beautiful then ever! But she turned 30 and 2 days later told me she wanted to be alone. She never gave me reason or anything she cut everyone off my sister also who she talked daily with. I feel like she is struggling with something and I just can’t help. She already filed for divorce and it just kills that she was not even willing to even attempt to try to fix our relationship
She was probably banging someone else u just didnt know it women rately leave without a backup guy she was really good at hiding it
Identical story here Joe. Did you even get a reason why she wanted the divorce?
Literally same as me, what happened did you find out
I don’t want a life without my wife and family together. Hard stop. It’s not about getting up and building a new life, bright future and all those therapist buzz words.
Hi Grant, it's good to hear from you. Thank you for watching. What is the next step for you?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I do whatever I can to bring our family back together, but there is no real help out there for this mindset. I’ve made peace with that.
@@grantmoon624 It sounds like you have a lot of clarity, focus and commitment. Those are powerful resources and people do incredible things with them. I wish you the very best.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I’m not so sure. there’s no guidance for me, so it’s trial by error, and sometimes I don’t know what I am doing is wrong until I’m three steps back from where I started. But if I wanted to turn a blind eye to the harm divorce is doing to my son, and what’s it done and continues to do to me, I would have coaches and therapists beating my door down.
@@grantmoon624 I've found that there is always a third (and usually a fourth, fifth and sixth!) path forwards. There is a path that exists between the two choices you've laid out. I don't believe you have to turn a blind eye to the impacts of divorce on yourself or your child in order to move forward from the divorce.
When we've been hurt and our brains go on the defensive it's like putting blinders on. We can often only see things in black or white... but the reality is that there is so much color and detail in between. I hope that as you start to heal yourself you'll find that you can widen your perspective and see the many options available to yourself and your son.
I went through a lot of financial crisis during my divorce, I had to raise my two kids alone, Currently I'm living smart and frugal with my money. Bought my second house already. Saving and investing lifestyle made it possible for me; even till now I earn monthly through passive income. I'm planning on retiring when my kids finish college..
Hi Stephanie,
This is the third time you've left an identical comment on one of my videos... and then you make a pitch for an investment coach you work with. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well for yourself and have made your life better after your divorce, but please don't use my channel or the community here to promote or sell investment coaching.
I lost a little bit in my divorce.. not much. Didn't have any kids.. She didn't touch any of my house. I basically just starting over without the massive losses that usually come with a divorce. I have more money now than I ever did. Im just a little lost in which direction i want my life to go. Dating is hard, women are too picky, im too picky... so it is what it is. Im just trying to enjoy things, my neices and nephews, and try not to put myself in a bubble
I was married for 20 years now divorced, society and modern woman’s behaviour has turned me into a player, I’m very much enjoying embracing my toxic masculinity, it protects me from everything and everyone because I just don’t care, it’s great, I do anything I want, and never forget gents, no one cares about men, the game is rigged, the only way of winning in life is not to play the game, such good fun, enjoy 😊
Thanks for commenting and for sharing what has worked for you. I just have to ask... because it is my job, after all, if the way you're living is so satisfying, what is it that drew you to watch this video? Being a player and not caring is an exceptional defense, as you described. It does protect you from everything and from everyone. It can also stop you from experiencing the deeper levels of connection and intimacy that the human nervous system longs for. I wonder if there is a part of you that feels that longing and that is what brought you here?
I did reply but UA-cam removed my answers to your questions, and that’s why I don’t play the game anymore 👎
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Y0uTu80 removed my answers to your comment 😡
You go! I'm rooting for you. Just make sure you bring balloons to the party. 🙂🤣
Nobody turned you into a player don't use that as an excuse it's a complete cop out, I was married 9 years myself known her 11, now that I'm considered single I'm very available and have the ability to be a player, I'm tall fit funny optimistic and outgoing no I'm not perfect however I have noticed that women are attracted to me that doesn't mean I f*** them all and then leave, My goal in life is to have a meaningful connection, and I hope you're able to find yours as well sorry to hear that your relationship has ended that really sucks I hope you're able to deal with some of that bitterness inside you
Why do women always focus on getting a new relationship? Many men are better off not chasing after women. Go your own way, be alone, be a great dad. You dont need women in your life, they just complicate it! Aim to be happy on your own with a small amount of good friends.
what if your unfriendly ex-wife has custody of the kids and the kids are absolutely everything to you? it's so much hurt and pain.... more than i can bear.... it is worse than death itself... i feel so helpless...
Neil - we’re pulling for you. Stay strong and continue to push thru, things will get better. Your kids love you more than you can ever imagine and God has a better plan for you. ❤
@@562Omar thank you, i hope you are right...
im struggling because my wife, estranged, abandoned won't communicate. It makes me sick.
I went without a lot of material things in life for my family they did not go without any thing saving for our future then she wanted a divorce took all the money and spent it on another man and i had to start all. Over now i have major health problems
Hello, years ago my brother was betrayed in his marriage. His wife abandoned him for one of my brother's employees. He attempted suicide and had to live with our mom for a while. He still talks about even though it was twenty-five years ago. It affected my idealized notions of marriage as well.
What you say sounds sensible but recovering from the financial devastation and the stigma women still carry toward divorced fathers is real and something you can't get away from. 15 years after divorce I still haven't found a woman willing to make a life with a broke guy with kids that aren't theirs.
All you say makes sense. The experience is not the same as communicating, intimacy, absence of emotional intelligence or empathy when the spouse has a personality disorder. Nothing can be explained by normal human behaviors or needs or desires not being met.
I'm dreading this holiday season...I already feel so lonely since she filed for divorce in late October...I'm hoping you really help me with your webinar thus coming Wednesday
It’s so hard to think she’ll ever come back. Even after all the hard work I’ve put into myself since she divorced me. She’s living with her bf now and they had a kid together. She’s got our two children living under this guys roof too. Since she left I’ve gotten and stayed sober (almost 2 years sober) I’ve gotten a great job that I’ve kept and I’ve become such a great father and person. I pray everyday that either god helps us to reconcile and get back together or to heal my heart. I miss my kids being in my life everyday and tucking them in every night. I miss the touch of someone esp her. I never thought we’d really get divorced. I thought after I got myself together she’d come back. We never got a real shot together because I was drunk everyday. Nowadays, all I do is work and sometimes go to the gym. But I do drink so I don’t go out and I don’t really have friends anymore. So I’m alone all day everyday. I’ll be 33 this year and hope to god I don’t continue getting old and die alone. Idk how she can’t see that I’ve become the man she wanted me to be and have an interest in working things out. I’ve dated and had a couple girlfriends since being divorced but those relationships only last a couple months because my hearts not even close to being healed. That girl even after everything she’s done to be still has my heart.
Hi Devon, thank you for sharing your story. I can see how much you love your ex wife and how hard it is to fully heal your heart. Have you had any support from a coach, therapist or another source that's been in any way helpful?
I really do, unfortunately, I am still inlove with her. :/ I’m glad she seems happy I just wish it was with me and I’m having such a hard time letting go and don’t see how I’ll ever find someone
@@devonbelill8075 I’d like to help you, if you’re open to explore working together. It’s my experience that in situations like yours there is more going on than loving her. I can see that you do love her, yet I don’t think that is what is stopping you from letting go or connecting with someone new. Those two things are usually more about fear than love. If we identify and address the fears, I think you’ll find that you can love her and still move on with your life.
If you’d like my support in doing that work, please take a look at this page that has the details of my coaching programs: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
You can also reach out to me directly by email: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
The comparison isn't fair.
The majority of men who face an unwanted divorce, can't just be happy and fulfilled whatever they try to do to cope. It takes (a lot of) time before reaching that state which is only "level 0" = wanting to start over.
Men you are comparing them to, are the ones who wanted the divorce, who had options before leaving, who were maybe caught cheating, or had ambitions that their exes didn't share, so they knew clearly it was better for them to leave. They always were prepared to leave! They mostly weren't invested in the RS.
So it's not a question of "knowing how", it's a question of state of mind before "learning how" if learning is needed.
Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts.
It's a question of learning how to achieve that state of mind.
It doesn't just happen naturally. Trust me. I've worked with men who have been divorced for over 10 years and they still weren't there. They didn't reach that state of mind until they learned how to move past the emotions, regrets and fears that were keeping them stuck in the first place.
I agree, if the man is not prepared in any way, the X just threw divorce papers on him say on Christmas.
He now has to find a place to live, not disrupt his work and kids, set up utilities change mail, think about taxes (filing jointly for how long?) not get swindled there, not get swamped by the x’s debt, and worry about seeing his kids all the while the x is seeing someone that she met at work (who would have thought) makes more money and spends hundreds of dollars on her, shes now wearing the lingerie that you bought for the other guy. somehow the guy has to see a light at end of a tunnel?
The women does not leave to “find herself” she leaves when she already found someone else better to her in some way.
Will staystrong,
I agree with you. The comparison is not at all level.
As I said in my previous comment, “the women only leaves when she’s found something she likes more”
Not having to deal with bills or actual family issues, not having a set schedule where everything just worked and it needed to be that way, the normal home family life.
But with the person she’s with now whom she met at work maybe they had lunch together often, why not with you!!? Well the answer is where both at work trying I thought to provide for our family and home. Not get picked up.
Men, your better off alone. You can only trust yourself
@@Da_Captn Yes, you just can't compete with hypergamy.
My experience: When I left her (for no one else) because of her recent series of disprespect, and the discovery of what looks like cheating or a start of cheating. She chose to bring me back by faking a prengancy. And when I started to try to stitch thing, I discovered that she was just preparing to find somebody else while "trying" to keep me as an option. she couldn't take the fact that I can leave, especially for nobody (she doesn't know how to do that). It was a vengeance and I fell for it. I still can't swallow this pill (after leaving for the good reasons, I fell for the first trap)
but in my original comment, I was talking about the comparison between a sad/lost man AND other men who don't give a F* after a separation.
I explained that it's not a question of learning HOW to do it, it's a question of not WANTING to do it, because they cared about the relationship. Everybody knows what should be done to move on. but you can't play your mind.
only after zillions of heartbreaks, a man can learn to be cold. but this comes at a cost : even your relationships become cold. You can't just activate warm mode during the RS and cold mode after a breakup.
I had a hard time but I am handling it in my own odd way!
I enjoy and I’m encouraged by your content. Thank you
I’m going going through divorce been separated for 5 months I was married for 18!years my problem is that I want to find my proposed I wanna do something with my life but I don’t know what to do and this is very overwhelming
16 years for me brother and this fucking sucks period !! Never again
Hi Omar. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd like to encourage you to be gentle with yourself, and patient. You can find your purpose and be intentional about how you move forward in your life, but first there is a lot of emotion that needs to be felt and processed.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, try breaking everything down into smaller chunks. What needs to happen right now, in this minute? Chunk out your time in your mind into hours and days. Don't try to predict or plan the rest of your life right now.
In those small chunks of time, listen to your body. It will guide you and tell you what you need in order to move through the emotions coming up for you. You can't avoid or skip over the anger or grief... you have to move through it. Then you'll be able to create your future, but likely not before.
I'm sorry to hear that, Stephen. It does suck. In so many ways. How are you coping? Do you feel like you can see the path forward for yourself?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I just don’t know
@@stephencharboneau7889 I know it can be hard to say. If you're looking for support around trying to reconcile there are a couple of coaches who teach some good basics that can help. The husband help haven has a relatively inexpensive program and Geoffrey seitawan has some good stuff too if you don't get caught up in the fantasies he sometimes paints about how much control you have over the outcome.
You can find info on both of them online and Geoffrey has a UA-cam channel with lots of good free content that might help.
I offer 1:1 coaching around these questions to a limited number of clients. If you'd like to chat and see if you and I are a good fit to work on this you can reach out to me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Either way, hang in there. I'm sorry you're going through this.
seperated a month ago. so looking forward to all the world has to offer.
I know my childhood intricately and I was never fearful of abandonment. As early as 3 or 4 I would constantly devise ways to get away from my parents to go on adventures by myself. Far from being scared or "lost" i was always angry and defiant about being interrupted when found. My most famous was at 4 years old, finding my way miles away from our home on an air force base to the home of our housekeeper that I had only visited once previously via car ride. It's hard for me to fathom that I have fear of abandonment affecting me now. I just don't know how that's possible but I feel everything Rachael is describing.
apparently, The way a person will react after divorce has to do with early attachment in their first 2 years to their mother or primary caregiver. Some people were well fed and cared for and are securely attached. Others become avoiders or anxiously attached because they had some trauma in their first 2 years.
If you can't get over your divorce, it might be something about your mother or lack thereof.
Men lose their status, social circles and entire reality in divorce.
The financial and family pressures are real.. and yes family courts are imbalanced.
But the real challenge for men is navigating a world that only values sex, and as a result, disproportionately provides support and attention largly to women because of that obsession.
The burden of performance also rests largly on men, so we have to work so much harder to turn our lives around, rebuild skills, and ultimately re-acclimate to the single world. Women have endless optionality, whereas men are mostly overlooked unless they are in the top percent of desirable men.
Focus on yourself guys, relearn your skillset, develop new habits and hobbies, try to find a good church. Don't bother with dating or women until you get yourself right.
My wife was pregnant at the time she asked for divorce. The child was born before the divorce was finalized. The DNA showed that it is not mine. That was 2 months ago. I'm 60 years old and want a child of my own and have plenty of resources to take very good care of him/her. I don't really care to have a steady partner since I can risk losing custody. No, I'm not interested in adopting. How common are cases like mine nowadays? I might sound selfish, but that's not my question.
I’m about to go through divorce I’m consulting a psychiatrist regarding this
It is such a heart break I still love my wife but I don’t know how I will take this in the future
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, and I'm glad to hear that you're seeking support.
If you'd like to connect to an amazing and supportive community of men going through the same challenges, please check out my Better Beyond Divorce Community: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
Having people going through alongside you who you can speak to openly about everything that's happening can make a big difference. This community is focused on healing and growth through the challenges - you'll find encouragement and practical advice.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thank you Rachael
I’m currently on medications I need some time to come out of this trauma
The process is underway
I will definitely join
@@Loveforderivatives I'm glad you're getting some help. Trauma certainly disrupts the nervous system and it is great that you have support in resetting. You might find this video helpful, it gives a really practical perspective on trauma recovery: ua-cam.com/video/br8-qebjIgs/v-deo.html
My fear is our sons future with both of us (U.S laws have zero to little care for us men) And the financial situation because i can't not lookout for my son and his mother but i also want to afford to live myself and not end up sleeping in a van!
I hear ya brother I have two daughters and divorce/separation just got brought up between my wife and I. I’ve offered $1200 a month which would bring her earnings up to $3,200 and mine down to $2,800 which I believe is not enough for me to have a decent life.
Excellent presentation. Men need to do work with a great therapist helping you work through your own shit. I know, because that's exactly what I had to do before gaining clarity about myself and what I want in a woman.
Thanks Steve! If you're up for sharing, what helped you the most in that process?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Sure...I'd moved from CA to MA for a job. The two cultures couldn't have been more different. I despised living out there and started to lose myself. Things about me others in my life liked about me and mu character weren't appreciated by most, not all in MA. They have a very skewed view of Californians and really need to travel more.
Within a few years I was arranging my career and exit back west. Then I met what would later become my wife. She was well aware of my plans to move back while we were dating and eventually moved in together. Prior to getting married she'd agreed to move. We were married in Boston and my family and friends had flown in. By the time she'd met me, I was a shell of my former self. Everyone close to me, even in MA, knew it wasn't healthy for me to stay that far away from from the life I'd previously built. Within four months after we were married, on my birthday no less, she told me she wasn't going to move and I could either file for divorce or stay. I was angry and embarrassed to get divorced so soon after out marriage. My pride and emotions got in the way of solid decision making. I chose to stay unwillingly and it ate at me. How could this woman claiming to love me do such a thing. I'd turned 37 that day and despite having dated a lot of women over the years, I finally decided she was the one. Wrong!
In the intervening years I spiraled downwards. We'd even had a beautiful son, though I was suffering deep depression. By the time I'd met with a therapist for the first time in my life, I felt trapped and cornered. If I moved away, I would only be able to see my son once or twice a year and need to fly six hours there and back each time. It was agonizing. I hired a divorce attorney, though I was an emotional wreck. Months later she wanted to make things work out and move.The only way I could see my then five year old son was to remain married. It didn't solve all our issues and her edgy Boston personality had worn thin on me. A few months after getting back together while now living in Seattle, she was pregnant. Holy shit!
I was finally able to locate a therapist who has been working with me for 2.5 years helping to put Humpty Dumpty back together. It was painful to trace many of my issues back to childhood and link those experiences to choosing a spouse that wasn't right for me and had been tapping into specific painful parts of me I wasn't aware existed. Through lots of steps forward and steps back, the therapist helped me distill many of my issues down to one point. My spouse wasn't a bad human being attempting to intentionally hurt me, though our personalities and communication didn't mesh. No matter what we tried, and I'm an open person, she has a wall that was never going to come down.
In summary, now I know what I need in a woman. No one is perfect, though it's now abundantly clear to me now about what I don't want in a relationship.
@@stevewise1656 Thank you so much. Your story is powerful and I can appreciate how much courage it must have taken for you to dig in and do that work with your therapist.
I hope you find the partner who is the right fit for you, if you haven't already.
There is one point I strongly disagree Rachel, when you mention ""there are so many possible partners for you", well it could be true for some guys, but for other ones, it's game over. I don't want to play the victim game, I know that I need to be strong and move on with my life, but it hurts when I know for a fact that she, as a woman, has way too many options, and I have none.
Dear Emanuel,
I believe that you strongly believe you have no options, but that is still a belief. Often it is a strong belief that the brain doesn't like to let go of, because if you let go of that belief you would have to do things that are scary... like putting yourself out in the world in ways that could end in rejection.
Until you feel grounded and confident within yourself, you may find yourself clinging to the belief that there are no options for you... yet it is still a belief.
There are options for everyone. 80 year old men get married. Women fall in love with fat men, with short men, with men with giant noses and lots of ear hair. It happens every day. I have worked with two different clients, both the same age, similar looks, similar incomes, etc. One believed he had no options and hadn't spoken to a woman since his divorce. The other had 4 girlfriends at the same time.
If your brain insists there are no options for you, then it is time to get curious about that belief. Why is it important to believe that? What is that belief protecting you from?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks for taking your time to reply my comment.
I'm asking for the divorce. After 32 years together and at the age of 70 years. Her mom Gave herthe house After we got married. Everything is in her name except my 2016 Colorado. She has $200,000.oo in her account. I have $200.oo ! In California, I (supposedly) own half. We will see. But talk about Afraid !! The plan: OUR net worth: $700 K. If I can leave with $350K, i can get a boat for $150K (or less) leaving me two hundred grand cash and my monthly social security income. A HUGE 'if' !! I'm really only here, as far as she's concerned, because it is Cheaper to keep me here than to buy me out. We are roommates in every sense since 2008. No hugs, no kisses, no touching. Feedback ?
What do I do when there is no future? I can't/won't meet someone new and I can't trust someone new to not do this to me again. Me and my wife were so in love and so happy. together for 25 years. We would call each other our soul mates and talk about getting old together. Even if I met someone else, I would never believe what they say.
This is not the time to meet someone else. You have healing to do first. When we go through this kind of deep relational trauma, we have choices. Either we can allow the wound to fester, or even pour salt on it, and our window of tolerance for risk and connection will shrink. Many, many people do this, and they end up living very small and lonesome lives.
The alternative is to do the hard work of going into the pain, dealing with the difficult emotions and moving through it so your nervous system can rebalance and your capacity for both love and grief expand instead of contract.
It is possible to live a rich, full life with love and connection after divorce, but it requires a lot of courage to first go into your own wounds and do the work of healing what has been injured inside of you. That work is scary, and it helps to have a community at your side.
It's hard to explain it fully here in a comment, but I made a free masterclass that does a better job of speaking to this process. You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
I got divorced 5 years ago. I chose to initiate the divorce.
Came out of it on top, regained my freedom. And thats something i will never give up for any woman. Happily single and refuse to even date. Life is good.
That’s not true. My ex husband moved on quite quickly and seems very well.
well said.."if your going through a divorce, you have had a lot of crappy experiences with human connections/. " that's exactly it. And its like other women, day to day, are treating me like crap too... It's like a bad smell oozing out of my body that says treat me like crap.
Great info. In the end we all lost. I’m done with relationships. I’m perfectly lonely and happy. It takes a while. You’ll get there.
The truth is you are permanently scarred for life after a divorce.
It definitely doesn’t have to be that way, but I know it feels like that at first. Especially the finances and if you are going through a custody battle. I talk on my channel about all kinds of strategies to get through it, that you can actually implement easily if you think it would help you. Good luck to you.
Many things people said didn't make sense at the time, but one day it will all make sense.
When discarded by a cluster b. There is no closure. There is a complete loss of identity. One minute a provider and next thrown away. You have to do research on cluster b women and the idealized, devalue, discard.
I hear where you’re coming from. After my separation, I really wanted nothing to do with women for years now. Especially if children are in the picture, there are just more important things. I talk a lot about strategies on getting through it all on my channel if you feel it would help you. Good luck to you.
There is no future. It's been twenty three years now since the divorce. Never even a date in all that time. There was never any help offered to me in dealing with it from family or friends. Now, all my friends are dead. Life is over. I've been dead for years anyway. No big deal.
Yet here you are... watching videos and perhaps looking for something. That suggests to me that you're not fully dead just yet.
The human brain is a remarkable thing. It can shut down for years to protect itself from pain and loss. And it can come back to life as well.
I'm so sorry to hear how alone you've felt for all these years. Perhaps the something you are looking for is still out there.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I won't deny that the subject does interest me. But I'm "dead" that is to say, for all practical purposes, as far as pursuing a relationship with a woman. Because, I truly believe that I'd be wasting her time AND mine.
I have great, very fulfilling relationships with loved ones and good close family. But I'm through with trying to establish a "human connection" with a romantic partner.
I am a person that is naturally empathic. I always have been. But believe me, no one would EVER describe me as "really chill".
I'll consider myself lucky, if my epitaph reads - "Although repeatedly provoked, he never murdered anyone."
That's supposed to be a joke. Get it?
@@pkramerable Do you feel so provoked by your loved ones and good close family members? If you're open to share... I'd be curious as to what the difference is and why a romantic partner provokes you in ways that other loved ones don't?
😂
Ur scaring the fuck out of me
The reason for hard life after divorce is lack of money, and paying the cheating ex wife of yours every damned penny you make. It is not really confusing. You are broke, homeless, and see the ex with a new dude, in the house that you are still paying for.
I just don’t care about anything anymore. She was married a year after our divorce. This was 4 years ago. I’m still single because I just can’t
Maybe the best video I’ve seen regarding divorce.
Thank you Nick. That’s an inspiring comment for me with my content creation! I’m glad you found it helpful.
I am one of those bitter ex-husbands, and I wouldn’t say it’s fear. There has to be another word. It’s more like your world has been turned upside down, you question every value that you ever had. And you wonder what the point of life is. It’s not that I can’t get women, or get into another relationship. It’s that I’m older, busier And I just wanna relax
Tnx for sharing 💔💔💔💔
The only thing worse than being alone is being forgotten by the one you will never forget - In sickness and in health and till death do us part is all bullshit words and should be removed from wedding vows -
If you're ready to get closure on your divorce, rebuild yourself and move on with confidence, I may be able to help.
Learn more: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
How much longer are you willing to stay in anger, in grief, in self doubt or confusion? You can heal and feel better. What are you waiting for?
My wife is divorcing me and I don't understand why and she will not talk to me because she immediately went back to my step sons dad. Right now I don't see any point to my life at all, help please
@@jak852971 I'm sorry for such a slow response. And I'm very sorry you're going through all of this.
I would love to help. The number of requests I've had for consultations has surpassed the time I have available, so I have a simple application process if you're interested in working together. After the application goes through I'd be happy to book a call with you.
You can find the details here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
There is hope. I know this is overwhelmingly painful right now, but there is light on the other side. You will get there. Keep breathing, and keep reaching out. You can do this.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I just can't see that light that everyone is talking about. My wife and my kids are the only thing I want in my life
@Rachael Sloan - Relationship Coach any time I try to talk about us she ignores everything I say
Marriage not possible in the modern world. I stuck it out for YEARS never truly understanding my true value. My ex thought she was better than me despite 20 years of supporting her. Now I am THRIVING because I knew how to operate in a volatile world. 1/4 of my life wasted.
Never get a divorce. If you like living in a camper along the highway running from the law then I guess divorce is for you. But for the rest of us that's not an option I would recommend. Do everything you can to stay married. Lie your best and do whatever you need to do to stay married. These times are not good for men.
This is so stupid
best revenge is 2 make the best life 4 yourself that u can and never look back its all water under the bridge shake the dust off your feet and move on
Of course good things are ahead. All of this is normal patience and heal is a process. Healing takes times and nobody can't rush process is true if you're not ready nobody can get upset because of that if someone don't understand the healing process they can continue with their own lives. Nobody can rush normal healing work everybodyheal differently. Only you will know how you're going to heal and is nobody's business. Is your pain your loss and people needs to understand and respect the times. Is not that you are insensitive or cold is a painful process is not a party. You'll be ready when you You'll. Nobody knows when is going to be. Is just respect for grieving and process what's going on that's all. Respect the time to heal 🙏 good luck for this. COÑO is time to cry and organize the life. Fck it...
The best marriage iv ever seen was one that never happened. 😎
Agree, no reason for men to marry with the state of western society
Been 17 years. I don't want to get over it. As long as I have this pain, I still have a piece of her with me.
Thank you for sharing this. That's an important piece of the puzzle for me to understand as I work to support my clients.
If you're open to sharing, may I ask how you're doing? Are you happy with the way your life looks today?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Of course not. But I do not have any expectation of "happiness". I don't think there really is such a thing. "Happiness" is a self deceptive lie and the promise of "happiness" is just used to sell stuff. I msy not be "happy", but at least I'm not delusional.
@@curtismartin2866 I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. I wouldn't want to live like that, but I'm afraid you're not alone. A lot of people have given up on finding joy and living a life they're excited about waking up to each day. I know a lot of it is a trauma response, the natural hunkering down of the brain to try to keep us alive after we've been hurt... but it's really sad to see it just the same. I wish you the best. I hope you can find something worth waking up for in your life soon.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach you seem kind.
@@curtismartin2866 thanks. I'm trying to be. I'm not always good at it and I have my share of rough days. Working with these divorced men has taught me not to underestimate the goodness in people, even when they're showing their most viscious or angry selves. I'm starting to really believe that all the aggression in the world is really pain, and that people just want to be seen and heard and cared about and feel connected. It's hard for us to do sometimes, and that's sad. Thanks for being part of this YT community and chatting with me.
I was married 18 years, hindsight ex set up a mystery bank account and syphoned money into it for one year before leaving. She did not work one day during our marriage, got a free lawyer with thousands in the bank she stole and said i abused her, church also turned their back on me. Never will get married again i honestly do not trust woman anymore, their emotional and respond to those emotions even when wrong, i went homeless with no help,found out my friends were not friends and alone since 15 years ago. Woman move on fast with ice black hearts, men wonder wtf happened and suffer. W!nt a hardship get married and wait for the rape at the end.
Beautiful video thanks
Thank you. I really appreciate your kinds words.
You as a woman exemplifies your concept of love: "an amazing guy with three kids, a big house and a nice car". Can you imaging a guy visualitzing such a thing? We just want love and be loved no matter the hardships life will bring us. As team against all odds. And that's the diference. That's why the greeks thought about love something reserved between men and women just a way to have sex and descendents. Men are really awakening nowadays.
I'm sorry that's what you heard in this video - it is a far cry from what I was actually saying. Unfortunately when our brains are already convinced they know how things are, as your brain believes you know that women are not capable of love, it renders us unable to hear anything different.
Take a few minutes and search the same terms that brought you to my video, but look for ones made for women. You'll find hundreds of thousands of women who have been betrayed and abandoned by the men they thought had committed to being a team against all odds. This isn't a woman problem or a man problem, it is a human problem and it is the result of the misguided values of the society we live in.
My wife took everything...i have ve to start over and im 57...i also have no family..
No support...no children..
Please help.
Hi Darrell, thank you for watching and for commenting. It's not easy to ask for help, so you're already a step ahead of a lot of folks! You've got courage, and that will help you immensely as you navigate this.
I can help in a few ways. The best first step is to download the Better Beyond Divorce App. You can get the free version here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app
The app will give you some great resources and also explain in more detail about how you and I can work together more closely.
Please start there. You're welcome to reach out to me directly if you have questions once you look through the app. My email is rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
The issue is how men cope. I think a lot of men are trying to not have more relationships or actually want to leave their ex alone
Absolutely. I see a lot of guys getting turned off of women completely by divorce, and understandably so. Unfortunately this leaves a lot of them feeling wounded, angry and lonely.
Right, on my channel I talk a lot about after a divorce or separation involving kids for men to stop dating or dealing with women for a while. There’s no reason to add in a distraction like that when you’re going through financial ruin or custody battles.
Very insightful. Thank yoi
You're welcome, thanks for watching!
It’s hard to get over when the man causes the divorce, because of the divorce their 8yr daughter is in therapy. The exwife is dating his friend. How do you expect them to get closure. Seems unreachable to me
It is quite a process, that is for certain. There is a lot to look at and unpack. What I can tell you is this - I've seen it happen. There are men inside my coaching program and community who are doing this every single day, and I find myself deeply humbled and inspired by them.
The work to get to that closure can be challenging. It requires a lot of courage and a commitment to engage consistently in the process. Because of that, many people never do it and end up staying in a pretty miserable place for a long time.
But your daughter deserves to have her father in her life - her whole father, not the wounded version who is hobbled by the past. I think that is why many of my clients take the leap and commit to doing the work - so they can be there in the way that their children need them to be.
You can move forward from this. It is truly incredible the healing I have seen men achieve, through hard work, courage and commitment. I can't do the work for you, but I can give you an effective, step by step process to follow and connect you with a community of men who are undertaking something very similar.
You can find details here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
Whether you do this work with me or elsewhere, please do it. There is another side to this for you, and perhaps even more importantly, for your daughter. You can get there.
The topic is very informative..🤗
Actually, life after divorce is way far better.
Hey there, how are you doing, I know how it feels to get heartbroken
*Wha ts a pp* him right away for help
±19515998468⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works i can't believe i am with my lover back after many years of break-up.,...
It’s the death of a shared fantasy. A covenant with God almighty broken. It’s horrific.
Do not get married!! The odds are stacked against us men. I’ve been taken to the cleaners during my marriage. Even in the black community it’s a matriarchy where I had no voice. I’m pushing 58 and was divorced for over 25 years. I have lost my faith in humanity because I have been misused, abused and misunderstood by women since my high school years. I felt zero empathy from them at all. And I was contemplating suicide because I didn’t felt appreciated by women.It’s not like I’m trying to be a dictator or anything. Now being in a relationship now is like going to hell
I'm so sorry that you've suffered so much at the hands of women. From the little I know of your situation, it sounds like your nervous system is suffering from the trauma of abuse and loss.
If you're able to, I would encourage you to seek support from a somatic or emotionally focused therapist. They have some pretty incredible tools for helping your nervous system rebalance, helping you find a degree of peace and safety in your life.
This is a good place to search for one in your area: www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
Thank you for watching and commenting. I hope you're able to get some support. There are some ways to ease the pain and help you feel better. You don't deserve to carry this with you and continue to be traumatized by it all these years later.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thank you very much. I will take advantage of this. Decades ago I wanted to have a family and I was being told that I need to marry and have a family. I failed, have financial difficulties, and felt way behind. I don’t have any children. I’m probably not a family man anyway and I want to start my own course even if it’s in another country
I’ll never get married ever again , no chance