Feelings: Handle them before they handle you | Mandy Saligari | TEDxGuildford
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- Опубліковано 7 тра 2017
- Feelings are what we have the most of and know the least about; handle them or they will handle you
Mandy’s first contact with the world of addiction, mental health and recovery was when she came into treatment in 1990. Her passion for therapy and its potential for change ignited here, inspiring her to make therapy her life’s work. Alongside a growing private practice Mandy always gave time to promote early intervention through lectures on addiction, emotional coping mechanisms and self-esteem as part of the PSHE (Personal, Social & Health Education) provision within independent schools. In 2008, with a busy private practice and many years of recovery under her belt, Mandy founded CHARTER Harley Street, an outpatient centre treating addiction and trauma using her pioneering model of care.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
Had to catch my breath when she said she asked the parents: "Why would your daughter feel at home with people who are troubled?"
Hmmmmmmm...good question; why DO I feel so at ease with difficult people in toxic environments? I guess it must have ALWAYS been that way, MOM and DAD! Good job. -- thank goodness she raised that question. It just changed everything. I might actually have a chance now that this question has been raised. I can't thank this woman enough.
I was crying at that very moment...
That question really shocked me. I have not recovered yet.
@@user-hf8xq9zm9e me too
That has resonated with me on a scary level. As has the meeting someone high maintenance and being the emotional shock absorber..
“Why is it her role to be an emotional shock absorber” omg that hit, that hit so hard. Thankful for this
Same 😘
Sooo fkn hard. 😳🤯
Truuueee :(
Re: “Why is it her role to be an emotional shock absorber”
Maybe that concept is why many good-girls chase badboys and say, "I want to bring out the Nice-Guy that's buried deep down inside."
I'm learning to give myself the love I desperately want to give other people.
How!????
Very interesting point of view
amazing
Beautiful!
How do you learn this,what is the best way?i wish anyone who reads this a blessed life,and anyone who doesn't for that matter.
How to take care of yourself;
1. Say nice things to yourself. Create a relationship with a part of yourself that might feel vulnerable.
2. Write down what you're grateful today.
3. Simply be your own best friend. Treat yourself like your own best friend, ok?
4. Self-respect; it's not always just about giving, but it's also about receiving, the ability to say 'i need help', or 'no'. Be true to yourself.
Aviva Hana Izdihara well said
♥
Thx q
CAN YOU BE MORE CLICHED?
Awesome
You know it's a great talk if you take your tablet with you when you take out the trash because you don't want to stop listening for even two minutes!
...or an addiction to your tablet perhaps?!
Kunal Shukla I'm writing this on my mobil phone, so clearly I can't be addicted to my tablet, now can I? 😎
Kunal Shukla 😂 lol
Rara Avis haha I do the same thing all the time
i stopped cleaning too lol
who here is addicted to other people's love, attention and approval??
Uh huh yes me, I am, it's fucking crazy mate.
Jojo Jo guilty🙆
Jojo Jo I am practicing not freaking out if someone does not like me and trying to win their favor. RATHER I sit with / observe the bad feeling of it....it's not pleasant but it dissipates. My ultimate goal is to not give a damn.
Dareios You have completely misinterpreted what I meant. The thread was about being addicted to other people's approval, My goal is not to care so I can be true to myself . It doesn't mean not caring about other people.
I am in extensive therapy for caring too much..amongst other things. I just started the 12 steps 3 weeks ago. I love that she used it for her arthritis..this is a great talk
I need to rewatch this again and again. UA-cam, bring me back to this regularly.
This video clearly shows that how you have been treated in your childhood greatly influences how you will feel about yourself when you grow up .
Literally burst into tears at the part when she said that the girl who was once a goody two shoes goes on to be with someone high maintenance because she’s so used to seeing her worth through the lens of being the caretaker all the time 💔
I broke down in tears when she described the whole "good girl"... I felt everything to my bones.... Because lately I felt tired of everything and wanting everything and nothing from everybody and nobody at the same time... I really had no idea this was me...
it is a freeing experience when you realize it is not your job to take care of anyone.
You just described my feelings... Indeed its so tiring, wanting and not wanting something at the same time
Happy Healing!!! 😄
Ditto!!
We...are hvg the exact same existential crisis rn.
I've made a new promise to myself to watch this once a day...AND I just walked by the mirror and said "Hello Gorgeous!"
did it work out? Can I ask you how are you now?
Hello Gorgeous from 2021 with love, have a nice day/year/life as much as you want
This 18 minute speech taught me more about who I am then 2.5 years self isolating watching around 800 hours of UA-cam obsessively trying to find these answers and 34 years of caring about everyone but myself ending up all alone at the end anyways. Tears flowing Thank you so much for validating me for the first time.
How about now?
How are you?
I decided not to have children because I can barely handle my own emotions. Just being in the presence of a screaming child in a public space puts me in a bad mood. A lot of this resonated with me, I think I need to listen once again actually. Very real talk.
Mariposa Redimida You will be able to do it one day.Be blessed
Marianne Koech this is such a powerful comment.
Same here. Im with you Mariposa.
Self emotional empowerment. Maintain medium no matter up or down, high or low feelings is our quest in life. You can do different things to find "Medium" (ie,. being balanced emotionally)
I had to listen 3x....she talks fast lol
@@mariannekoech1438
She might not want to though. Not all women want to be mothers.
She hit the nail on the head! There is so much healing from childhood wounds that this TED Talk provides. One might just have to listen to it more than a dozzen times to really let the message take root in one's mind!
Mzukisi Ndzipo I
Agree. GREAT Ted Talk
yep amazing talk
totally agree. There are many crucial points that one has to adapt to his or her personal situation and set a plan of action
She described me in so many ways. I thought I was alone 😢 The child that wanted to be accepted. By trying to be the good girl. If I'm a good girl I wont get yelled at. I have always referred to myself as a chameleon. Let me be a person pleaser. So nobody will know I'm insecure of who I am. I too eventually turned to a substance to numb myself or to actually keep up. This has helped me more than anyone knows. REPEAT REPEAT and REPEAT ❤
This is one of those rare ted talks where the speaker doesn't act to hold your attention. She is natural and really knows what she is talking about.
"And actually what you wanted to do was get out of your skin, leave that behind and be someone else!" Daydreaming addict, here. This pretty much sums it up and it looks so simple, or perhaps it's being older and being aware I'm not the only one, but growing up the shame was so profound. So insidious. How can you ask for help when you dont believe you deserve it? What a poison. I'm thankful for the people who have the courage to give themselves a chance and who develop such wisdom to share with us-- especially when therapy is not affordable. Thank you Mandy
It was my upbringing too.😔
emotional healing to remove the feelings we try to "medicate" . once you give up on others approval then life truly begins
Tessa Cyclone well said.
Wow, how it resonstes! I'm actually physicslle sffected
That's easier said than done.
"..remain invested in the curiosity, instead of in the offense - when we meet people.." Well said!
We can't change those who hurt us, it's an inside job within us. Gratitude is very powerful ❤
2 days ago I had a breakthrough in my CPTSD first time. I woke up feeling like I weighed half of the prior days. After 10 years I was finally feeling better. I am so grateful to God and my family and friends. Tomorrow is my birthday 🥳💜🙏🏼🤗🦋🍀🎂
My attention was held the entire time. Very interesting and insightful talk! Wish there was a book I could read...
John Bradshaw "on the Family" is a good start.
Effortlessly Eclectic yes, absolutely!
You might want to take a look at " Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" book by Jonice Webb and Christine Musello. ISBN: 978-1614482420
Viktor Rácz Thank you! ♡
I would recommend Becky Bailey and her website Conscious Discipline. Great information on feelings starting from birth.
As a person who has been talkative my whole life, I've been told I talk too much, that I'm too dramatic and that I'm annoying. I heard these phrases so much from my parents and siblings when I was younger.
before I turned 18 and moved out we moved 14 times. SIMPLY BECAUSE MY MOM WANTED TO. My parents were yellers until I turned 15 and by then I wad already a "good girl turned rebel" type of person. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship for two years until I met my husband, who has been such a great influence on me.
Now I'm a mom and I struggle with the snapping at my children as well as the resentment.
I totally feel like this talk was made for me, it applies so perfectly. Thanks for giving this talk.
Mackenzie Packer I struggle with work in the same aspects
Mackenzie Packer I have the same struggle. Do you know any other talks or books we could use?
Are you a Gemini?
Misu yea
Me too
I was branded 'difficult' by my dad, but also my mum's rescuer when he upset her. Interesting. This woman knows her onions.
That passage about 13 minutes in - "I judge how I feel against how you look." - and elaboration is truly priceless. We aren't just trained in people pleasing and codependency. We're trained into misperceiving the nature of reality.
That hit me too!
WOW!
i dont quite understand this can u explain?
I also didn't really understand this part. Could you please explain what she meant with it?
@@kayleneregterschot5831 Put another way, don't compare your insides to someone elses outsides. Comparing yourself to someone else, often in a negative way.
Self Esteem is at the heart of all this.
I cried over her speech. She's a gift to her listeners.
This is me. I feel like she pulled back the curtain and exposed me. Wow. She gets me.
I'm currently watching this talk for the fourth, consecutive time. Life altering. Thank you Mandy.
really helpful and insightful
I've watched three times myself so far. Taking notes from the comment section this time. Also been sharing the video with the people closest to me.
Watching this while getting ready and now I'm crying and my makeup is ruined. Thank you for such a beautiful talk.
Lucia Vega love your vulnerability❤️
Me too It made me cry.
ha ha - me too, also sitting here thinking ... why am I crying .... clearly it's hit home, will have to watch it again and again
I think it's one of the greatest talk I've ever heard/watched. Lots and lots of thanks for this!
Renáta Végh me too- I am the parent - ugh now I have the child I neglected- because the sibling needed ALL the family resources-
She's 28 now and working through this- Until this talk - I believed it was her
Now I realize it was me.
Leslie Katzenmeier yes you need some self love!
I agree
Wow this is one of the best ted talks I've ever watched!
I'm a recovering addict, sober 13 years, child abuse and foster care survivor, recovering people pleaser, learning to place boundaries with my son after our relationship has crumbled and I'm recovering from a disability.
It was almost like she was speaking to me!
She explained my life in a ted talk. Woah.
So why am I crying about trying to find a picture of my younger self that isn't hiding behind family that I can put up on my mirror to become friends with?
Wow! Mandy speaks truth and shines light on our feelings- a topic many of us have preferred to avoid. Our lack of understanding, our discomfort with vulnerability, and our avoidance is right at the heart of the world's addiction crisis, many health conditions, and the widespread discontent in our culture. Odds are our parents and teachers were less than skilled in this aspect of communication and we were not provided with the emotional safety and encouragement to be fully self expressed as children. Learning to identify and manage our feelings is surely one of the greatest skills we can learn- and gifts we can give ourselves and future generations. And as we do so, others see that they can too. As with most things, it works best when Kindness and healthy boundaries are woven into the mix. Thank you for your leadership, Mandy. Your truth resonates, having been my own journey. ☮️🌿💟
Fantastic analogy
Wow, beautiful said Holly
After listening to this, suddenly everything about me as a person and as a woman makes complete sense. It was like she was describing me and my childhood/teenage experiences during the entire talk. I've been so afraid of letting people in my entire life, and now I know why. Thank you, thank you, thank you....
I'm a ball of tears..this really hit home.."the emotional shock absorber" "the good girl"
I used to care for my children, parents and husband. I used to work hard. I realised that forget to care for myself, to think what really i want to do, to eat. I began living my life, but not others. It's like a splendid gift to put yourself on the first place. Thank you for your speech!
This is my life story. Wow....
WOW!!! Just wow! she is one of the best speakers I have listened too! Some very powerful stuff!!
You haven't heard many good speakers.
I agree
I honestly feel that Ted X, with Talks like this, is actually able to/ indeed beginning to, change Society in a real way. Pioneers help of course; and I feel Ted X is breeding pioneers in its very audience.
this one hit me close to my heart when she said that she has always been labelled as difficult.
I feel personally called out by this TEDx Talk.
The content of her talk and the way she delivered it was so captivating. She speaks with so much grace and passion.
This is one of the best TED talks I've heard. What an amazing woman. She speaks so clearly and describes vulnerability so well, very inspirational.
I have just recently had this realisation that so much of my self loathing, unhappiness, anxiety and cynicism was probably because I am too self-centred, constantly looking at myself and worrying how I appear to others far too much. So glad that she's talking about exactly that and reduced me to tears.
Wow. That moment where you keep pausing to reflect on what she said and have some self introspection. Really powerful!
This is very deep, very wise and so true. Thank you so much for your amazing inspiration towards self -love!
yes yes yes :)
109 people still don't know how to handle their feelings.. Amazing speech and truly an eye opener into the human condition of emotions.
This is absolutely the best TED talk I’ve ever seen. Wow. She explains self esteem in a way that makes it so easy to understand. I will watch this many times.
9:20 - BAM. This is everything.
Had to stop the video half way just to say how amazing this talk is. Super interesting.
I have a feeling it's going to become one of my favourites!
Use this message as a guide to deal with narcissism. Very valuable information.
Oh my god, the feeling of "Why is it always me, who has to do everything around here..." and "Giving in under pressure", so true. Thank you so much for the video!
I'm improving my self-esteem and self-love with daily self-love meditation (there are plenty on UA-cam) and stop my self criticism. Each time I recognize me being too strict to myself I tell myself that I'm a loving and lovable person and that I don't have to be perfect.
She is just so mesmerising. An inspiration. Brought me back to life
I woke up this morning with a terrible feeling of beeing emotional exploited, and just a deep loneliness inside, due to a very complicated friendship I've been in for some time now...I didn't want to get up, but this just gave me my strenght back. Such a great talk, and such an enlightening woman ! Thank you so much!!! Sometimes it can be very hard to unplug ourselves from people we love, but which just suck up our energy, without giving much back. But no one should feel like their own feelings, their own needs don't matter. So thank you again, this really "kicked my butt" and openden my eyes about how compulsory caring I have become just to get some approval from someone, that doesn't and might just not be able, because of his own mind, to acknowledge me and my feelings ❤ wish you all a wonderful day!
Lilli Lorenz My old friend of 17 years keeps saying we are BFF's, when I haven't felt that way in a decade. I'm 31 now, and after so many times of trying to be supportive (i.e. being her shoulder to cry on) of her romantic relationships, I finally gave in to ME and my feelings and accepted that what we had wasn't healthy. We don't mesh that well, we became too opposites-attract, and above all, my ideals were not hers. I can certainly be more secure as a person, but I'll stop bending to her whim now. Thanks.
Feelings are mentionable and manageable. She continues Mr. Roger's mentality in a beautiful way.
I just learned the FLIP tactic at summer camp training:
F- FEELINGS: validate the feelings; "I see that you are really excited and that's wonderful!"
L- LIMITS: set limits; "I know your excited but we can't express that as running around inside where it's dangerous."
I- INQUIRY: Ask child open ended questions~ "How do you think we can better express your excitement?" Let them come up with ideas so it's their choice and they learn problem solving ☺️
P- PROMPT: if they say they don't know...make some suggestions: "maybe you can run backwards? Or sing a song, or do some jumping jacks when you feel this excited!"
Don't go to the inquiry or prompt steps until the FEELINGS are validated and felt through. If they are still angry or upset, continue on step one until they feel heard and the feelings are addressed ❤️
This talk has changed my life. It is a vicious cycle within families. especially my own. I am so glad so saw this so I can change the pattern.
Absolutely it is a vicious cycle from one generation to the next . It is terrifying, I am desperately working hard to break this cycle
This is by far one of THE best video on healing from addictions and past trauma/triggers I have ever seen. I am inspired beyond measure. Bravo, Mandy Saligari. I am a fan
I have watched the TEDtalk multiple times now. It is amazing how I can see my entire family, childhood, and sadly what I did to my children. If I could go back and be the kind of mother I wish I was, perhaps my children would be in a better place themselves and they both are in their 30s now.
Its alright. You know my Mom and i went through a hard time wich Led to a Long seperation. Years later we sat together again and she apologized to me and stood Up Form her mistakes. The fact that she Made mistakes (that werent minor) but stood Up, acknowledge that and took responsabilty for These Things taught me more than If we never went Into such a troubling time. Nowadays I feel trememdous Love and Respect for my Mom and she became a real Role model because of her actions that followed. What Im trying to say is that even when youre children are adults already, how you handle your regrets still affects Them ! Im sorry to Hear that you probably had to shoulder some stuff from your childhood but the fact that you're Here, listening, poofs a Point that you're probably a really good mother. :)
Sorry, If my Text is pointless 😅 i Just felt Like Sharing my Point of View as a child
Thank you for your very kind words. Your comments were helpful and s source of comfort!
talk to yourself...because at the end what you need is all youuuu....create a relation with yourself,,,talk to your inner childish younger youuu,,,,,,,do it.....and before you go to sleep, write down the gratitudes of the dayyyy💗
Gosh she's insightful. Wow.
Mandy, this is one of the best talks I have ever watched. I nodded along as someone who's a big proponent of therapy, and I'm only starting to realize the benefits after a lifetime of sporadically winding up there, searching for answers about myself and others. I hope this comment doesn't diminish the content of your powerful, resonant talk, but I think you would be a fantastic theater, tv, or movie actress. You are obviously someone very in touch with your emotions, and an intelligent reader of others' emotions -- it's evident in your gestures, body language, and how you move so vigorously across the stage as a narrator. Thank you so much for this excellent lecture!
I feel like i'am the one who is talking right now. Because everything she is saying is all about me, I pray God to give you more wisdom and knowledge to help a lot of people.
100% spoke to me, I can't like this video enough!!!! I know I can be so self-conscious and a people pleaser because my Mum is so I grew up watching her and adopted those behaviours. Always looking for approval from outside. I am so grateful to be in a place where I don't need that anymore! I feel I can enjoy things now and really be in the moment rather than worrying what someone will think if I do x y or z - it's so draining. I would love to help people get to this place too x
How have you managed to overcome this wounds. Please share I would love to know. I have similar behaviours as you.
This talk touches on a core issue for self-realization that is nebulous and undefined; yet she speaks with a clarity and commitment that is a joy to behold. I'd love to hear (read) more! Many, many thanks for a GREAT TED talk!
Absolutely LOVE the ending about loving yourself and putting up a picture of yourself and speaking to yourself
Thank you, Mandy. 😢😢💔💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
This is the best advice I've ever had. She's got me pegged. A map that tells me just why I am how I am, and what I can do about it. THANK YOU!
I've spent the whole life trying to pass this message to my parents so they'd learn how to raise my little brother. I've been diagnosed as a lost case, but I've grown up and learned by myself. Thanks Mandy Saligari
God I'm so grateful for those TED videos. I'm making a playlist of my favourites to watch every morning. I'm naming it "free energy". Love
Oh God. This is my story. i always looked for validation and approval from other people. I really wanted to hear this. I cant thank you enough. Now i know what i have to work on!
yes- the human condition
I LOVE HER
aseel dawoud But she doesn't :-(
just the crude reality of ourselves, thank you Mandy
well I feel personally attacked by how accurate this is to my life.
I think I need to listen to this every morning!
Well done. There is often narcissism / co-dependency at the heart of just these sort of addictions.
YES!
An excellent talk Mandy. I think there are so many things we are addicted to: approval, certainty, being right, etc as well as the more conventional ones. Your talk highlights beautifully the truth that the answer is not in the object of addiction but in the relationship you have with yourself. I will save your talk to share with my clients.
This is the first TED talk I just had to share - Thank you, Mandy!
Mandy, you are truly a gifted teacher, and your insights (clearly hard-earned, but probably true insight cannot come otherwise) are powerful. The sequence starting at 14:10 is deeply moving: putting your arm around yourself, giving yourself caring and love, and then, “Suddenly, I am available to talk to you, I am available to live.”
As I understood it, the point is to be aware of your feelings.
I accidentally clicked on this and it really really resonated with me. wow.
This has to be my favorite ted talk. I love how she connects to this topic.
Wish my parents saw this. Moved out of home after looking after my mum, went to live with a high maintenance guy who was completely dependent , but I felt like I was doing a good thing. 3 years it took for me to wake up and realise. It's been 2 years from there and I feel like I'm only just starting to look after myself properly and I don't need to take care of everyone. But the one thing I struggle with is actually being happy and knowing that I can be without having todo anything for anyone. I can be happy, it's just not what I'm used to, so I give myself negative reinforcement but I am trying to change my perspective. I know I'll get there soon, hopefully.
This woman is absolutely brilliant! I've probably watched this 7 times now, and every time I watch it - I notice & understand more of her messages. Outstanding presentation
This talk taught me so much about myself. I love how expressive she is as well!
This video has just made me think about what we should have been taught while we were small, while we were going to school, while we were just learning about life. Why doesn't school teach us to live ourself first, to not look for other people's approval, to be happy no matter what. My mind just opened up to another level. Thank you for this video 🙏
"Focus on the person. You need to get comfortable in your own shoes, maintain self-respect & dignity, because then, despite whoever you're talking to, they cannot shoot down the messenger."
Just amazing. I think of the solo trips I've taken and realized how much I couldn't handle it, because I'm not comfortable with myself. I've always had to have others accompany me, otherwise, I couldn't take it. I'd get into a downwards spiral of negative thoughts. This permeates through my regular life through always staying busy, talking to friends - distracting myself with additions, which Mandy is the "pattern of delegating, outsourcing your emotional process on to something else."
@Bruce - Same here, and you hit it right on the head. For me too, I'd encounter sudden moments of being overwhelmed (that would come out of nowhere), and I always wondered as to why. Your sentence of "...I couldn't handle it, because I'm not comfortable with myself". I had no idea it was this that was causing my issue. As Mandy said, "you need to get comfortable in your own shoes, maintain self-respect & dignity" - turns out it takes one a loooong time to just learn standing still in their shoes (not running away), to then start the process of getting comfortable in their own shoes.
This just blew me away! Woah, what a talk. Take a bow.
Thanks Mandy. One of the best TED talks I've seen. For me, what you say is obvious wisdom put into simple, everyday language that anyone can understand, while the scientific community often rubbishes this perspective as being over simplistic, needing to quantify and qualify and calculate everything when, in fact, it's the same stuff we are dealing with learning at the age of 4, 5 or 6. Unfortunately, most of us don't learn it as we don't have anyone in our sphere of influence who can, and too many never even learn this later in life. Congrats on your successful rehabilitation at such a deep level that you can inspire and teach others! Well done, you are an inspiration to many and, having learned from experience, the best kind of teacher there is!!!
Great talk. Wish I had heard that when I was a teen. I'm in my 50's and just about to place a photo of myself as toddler on the fridge.
Kudos! Finally somebody is saying it!😊 We're taking a look at addiction! Addiction is not really about the drug so much, you can take the drug away from a person sure..... But that person is not really going to get better mentally or emotionally. I mean they will but that takes time and a long road ahead of them but they don't really fully heal on the inside. What really takes is a long & hard look at what caused it all from the start.
It was like she was recollecting my life. I want to meet her.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 very good presentation and very true. We've wasted too much time and money focusing our efforts on the symptom or the physical manifestation of the problem instead of at the source of the problem itself. What she is talking about is the future of greatly improving our health, relationships, careers, and ultimately our happiness. All change happens from within, all change starts with ourselves. We are finally starting to catch onto to what ancient civilizations already knew.. you alone have the power to change your life if you just look within
This is one of my Absolute FAVORITE Ted Talks
This is the second time I watch this video and both times I felt instantaneously self centered (for a while) and also makes me wanna hug her.
Best Ted Talk EVER
What a brilliant talk?!! All love, care and curse starts inside and then spreads outside not the other way around in my opinion.
RISHABHA DEVA Sharma what a brilliant talk?!! Is that a question??!
No. I meant it was a fascinating talk.
RISHABHA DEVA Sharma I feel we come into this world as open and loving, vulnerable beings. Outside influences shape everything as we grow up. As adults, we must then accept responsibility for how we live in this world. Outside in first as kids, lucky are the loved - inside and outwards as adults. As adults we are responsible for our own happiness, coping skills and healing.
Wow, that may be the best TED talk of all time for me!!!
This speaks volumes to me. You are describing my mom and me...It's saddening.
she is good, raw, to the point
Stteella to get
She's amazing. Period