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Only Enablers Can Stop Narcissists
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2024
- It may seem controversial, but to stop the harm narcissists do enablers must stop supporting them.
Check out my book "The 16 Signs of a Narcissist" by clicking below right now:
understandingnarcissists.com/...
when you have dealt with narcissists in the house, by the time you get out, you find a whole new bunch of people waiting to abuse you :(
Hey u r so damm right I too felt da same thing.... Dealing narcissist one after another its so exhausting... Specially if we r an empath.... I can understand u....
Yes I was robbed on Wed once I had been home less than an hr... would u give me any tips on what has happened to you please? I just left and don't feel vulnerable but I am...x
So true!
yep
Here is a list of what Abusers/Narcissists usually do to their targets :
- Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
- When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
- Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
- They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
- Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
- They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
- Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
- They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
- They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
- Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
- Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
- When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
- Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
- They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
- They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
- They think they are models to be followed.
- They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
Yeah, all of them and the last one is her top trait mixed with her hypocrisy structure. She has let slip how she constantly questions her faith direction. I made her vulnerable a few different occasions with totally different subjects. Shortly after she begins to say that out loud along with other random things but that she has said every time. Our church just declined her financial assistance. That I'm sure contributed.
I appreciate you copy and paste what you want to share. I've actually read posts where you change it up a little. Are you moving on for yourself? Have you looked at your lists and then tried to forgive yourself for having been the victim or perpetrator of what you outline?
You just described my wife's daughter 1000 percent. She does all that and even more. However she has left proof of certain evidence evil things which I have and am working on exposing her
When you finally get fed up to the point of a "HELL NO"....you're on the road to feeling so much better!
Good luck and Happiness to everyone!!
I agree 100%. The Enablers hold the key, and don't know it...until they wake up themselves. When that happens in the mind/heart of an enabler...the house of cards can fall so quickly it's shocking!
When they set up the sympathy play, it makes you believe you are making headway, and maybe they will heal. Then you realize it is just a set up for the next play.
Enablers can become Disablers.
I think a lot of Christians have been taught to be enablers in the name of walking in love..not realizing that is the meal the wolf is looking for..they come in thru a side door Our Love feasts! This can lead us into the topic of narcissists in ministry and spiritual abuse.
👏👏👏
true
"You can't cure narcissists but you can cure yourself." Holy moly that's a powerful realization. You just put it right out there, plain as day. Bravo!
Death is the only thing that stops them....still waiting for the Obituary.
+Andrea Gordon totally agree.......
Me too!
Lol ,!,,!!! 😀😂
Andrea Gordon what is death?
Even then some narcs still control from the grave
Such a wise person - you really are.
Oh boy. You are spot on here. When I began to change my ex narc became worse and worse. She went from hard to get along with to demonic. (she was always a demon inside I later found out) but her outward behavior was nothing less than evil at the end.
+Narcmare Aware This is how you can drive them away--quit enabling and shut off the supply. They will leave you on their own. It worked for me! And he had no idea that I was trying to get rid of him. He thinks it was all his idea. What a fool.
Mine too
Many times the victim is assumed to be an enabler. I agee that it takes two for this sick relationship to occur, however I would not call the child in child abuse the enabler, the rape victim the enabler. Some people are stuck, being abused mentally and physically in situations by monsters who take over their life. They are the hostage, not the enabler. Literally some victims fear for their lives, and rightly so, when the narc sees they have nothing to loose. Sometimes a person is so beat down they can't make a move, with out outside help. It is an awful situation to be in when you are so low and hurt and tired from trying to fight back and trying to get away with out harm that you entertain thoughts of suicide to escape your tormentor. When it gets that bad it is a huge slap in the face to be called an "enabler". When you are imprisoned inside a life that you hate by a narc monster that you hate, it's hard to see where you are enabling any of the narc's behavior.
+grand454 exactly-been there many yrs.
+grand454 . "When you are imprisoned inside a life that you hate by a narc monster that you hate, it's hard to see where you are enabling any of the narc's behavior." Good point.
When you are born to a narc mother (and sociopath dad) you are conditioned from birth that this stuff is normal, and there is also the societal message that that your mother is a saint because she had a baby and that family is sacred and that it's taboo to cut ties. It takes years and lots of strength, guts, reading, thinking and studying to get away and even then it's lonely and difficult to stand alone.
The victim is not trapped though, does a rape victim choose to invite a rapist into his/ her life after the abuse? No. The fact that the victim "believes" that they are trapped and "have to" cling to the narcissist is technically an act of investing codependency towards the narcissist ("enabling"), a victim ought to invest codependency towards the source of existence (the meaning of life) and not on the narcissist.
But it's very easy when you invest your sense of dependency and vulnerability towards the source of existence (the meaning of life) and not on the narcissist, the reason it feels hard is because the victims subconsciously feels like they "need" or "depend" on the narcissist to emotionally "survive", this subconscious feeling is a delusion, we humans only need the source of existence to inherit happiness, truth, etc. Narcissists and other flawed humans are not the source of existence.
It takes so much courage to tell the unvarnished truth to a Narcissist when they are seeking conflict.
The enabling behavior is believing in human beings and love. We believe something happened to them to make them that way, so we feel if we love them enough they will heal. That is the joke because most of them are hard to manage children in healthy families.
I'm just now coming to terms with the fact I'm a narcissist. My wife finally left me (good for her) my inability to be honest with her out of selfish fear is very painful and I hope she can heal and Recognise anyone like me she meets again. Thank you for making these videos, it's a look in the mirror and like hearing you talk about me when you talk of narcissists. I don't want to hurt anymore people. It's a scary hell hearing different people say narcissists never change
The fact you feel empathy shows you are not beyond help sir.you can get help
You are not a narcissist... It's impossible to have self-awareness and be a narcissist.
Thank you for this video!!
You are completely right there is no way to help the narc, the narc will only pull you deeper and deeper into despair. The only one you can help is you.
At first I was fooled by my now ex narc, but as I came to realize that there was something seriously wrong with him, I got stronger and stronger. I did try to help him, I wanted to help him, which MADE HIM WORSE, do not ever think you can help a narc, the narc will make you pay.
I did however make a plan for getting him out of my life, I took my time, I took several years. One of the biggest things I did was to get him out of my finances, get a separate bank account, give money to a trusted family member ( a nest egg ), change passwords, shop for an attorney, and so on. Above all else KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT about your plans.
Can you please do a video on narcissism and mob mentality. I been the target of narcissistic abuse and I noticed the narcissist in my life turned a lot of people against me, and i was abused by proxy. It's gang-bullying!
Genie111 111 search up “smear campaign”
So True! Once we Understand there is no going back..we must move forward..there is no choice.. Healing is so painful..I had my moment looking and researching what the hell is wrong with me..I was dead inside! I found one of your videos and BAM!!! I understood everything.. the flood gates opened the pain was very real..understanding was the Key! I am so thankful for you and your videos!! you were there with me when my illusion stopped and I began to come alive again!! bless u!
+Tammy Engelbrecht I now know the same feeling! All these years beings psycho manipulated. It can totally mess with your head. The recovery is painful because finally realising that I have not been loved but have been played with is extremely disturbing but Scott has opened my eyes and my soul has awakened. Making plans to get out without letting on is all that matters, now. You are right: once the illusion in us stops, everything changes. I now have hope where I had none before. Thank you, Scott!
China Pink What you are saying here is so true! I am fully aware that I am generous and kind to everyone and am an empath which means that I still believe that everyone is good and kind. 15 years is a long time for me to have been jerked around and completely conned however the social isolation makes it really hard to tell anyone without coming across as a complainer who has no solutions. Watching these videos has given me a key to freedom. I know that he will never let me sell the house we co own so i will have to chalk it up to a financial loss and start over, even if I am 61. I can always create a new life. All I have to do is be patient while I ask my family to help me find another place to live.
Tammy? Did u graduate Yhs 1983? This is Richard!
Tammy Hickey YES... SAME HERE. AGREE. PATTERNS ARE ADDICTING & HARD TO BREAK!
Sky Everlasting No..Get your half of ownership. Force by threat of lawsuit!!
i was an enabler. what do u think u are doing every time you accept the narc back in your life after every horrible/disgusting let down that they put on you? you take them back that tells them its ok to treat me like shit-its ok to steal, cheat and control me. they are never truly sorry for all the put downs, and making you think its you and not them. i was ALMOST convinced i was crazy. being an enabler and acknowledging it is not a bad thing. its a starting point to get you the 'real you' back. the person that laughs, and has friends that love them just the way they are. dont let the narc change you. you are a good person, generous, kind, loving thats why the narc came after you so convincingly in the beginning. the narc has never been the person you fell in love with. it was a lie. i hate lies. i do not love them. neither should you.
+B Greenleaf
"...being an enabler and acknowledging it is not a bad thing. it's a starting point to get you the 'real you' back." I recently made a few Trauma Bonding videos that are 100% aligned with everything you just wrote! :-) Well Said!!:-)
Sacha Slone understanding is soo important. Reality becomes warped so easily by the narc. Hold onto yourself extra tight don't allow them to change you.
Sacha Slone I added you, and I plan on watching all the vids. You seem awesome!!!
+B Greenleaf I didn't realise this, I thought he would change/learn but it just got worse and now I see what has happened
But understand that trying to prove to the narcissist that you are "wonderful" in their eyes is the act of enabling, you clinging to the desire of making people think you are "wonderful" is the trap that could get you trapped with another narcissist. It is better to invest your dependency and vulnerability towards the source of existence (meaning of life) instead and not on beings who are not the source of existence, you can be happy in life not thinking that you are "amazing" and you can be happy in life without clinging to the desire to make people think you are amazing, because all good things only *come from* the source of existence, they don't come "from" beings who are not the source of existence.
I am a huge fan of your work. Great subject matter. I made a video touching on this subject and there was confusion with a few viewers : they interpreted what I was saying as 'blame the victim.' Which of course I don't. I think, in order for recovery to start, a target needs to ask himself, "Why do I attract abusers? Why was I susceptible to abuse? Why did I allow the abuse to continue for so long? What was my role in the relationship? Have I adopted some of the abuser's traits? I think, without self-knowledge, targets will not have the tools needed to stop the cycle. Targets will continue to allow abusers into their life until the target can 1. identify toxic people 2. know how to communicate with boundaries 3. alter environment by going low or no contact with toxic people 4. living your values, developing standards, surrounding himself with empathic intelligent people who are grounded in reality! :-)
+Sacha Slone again using the term Target sets up the understanding that we're going to be the role player. And we're going to be a part of the show... Our part is the only one we have any control over and not their's...
+GGator Country The terms _target_ and _targeting_ are exceptionally useful, because there is not just negative targeting, there is also positive targeting (e.g. being courted by someone). The term does absolutely not mean that the target is a _voluntary_ target, or a "roleplayer" in the narc abuse. It just means that they are being targeted. And no, you do not have control over being targeted. You do however have control over developing your personal boundaries, and over doing your best to keep narcs away from you.
+mpcoi referring to the fictitious story, Tom Sawyer fooled his friends to not only paint the fence that Tom's ant had given him to paint, but also they were so fooled into thinking it was fun and an honor they paid Tom money to paint. This story is about targets and players who were targeted. so I can't use the tern volunteered because they were fooled... most all of these you-tube NARC videos are about personal relationships with a NARC, in that light I will contend that the NARC will not be interested in any potential girlfriend/boyfriend unless that person qualifies to play their narcissistic supply role needs. .. maybe that helps to clear things up .. you can pay me now LOL ....for me I'm not going to paint Tom's fence and fool myself to think its so much fun I'll pay him to let me play ..but there's someone who will ...this person needs this education. Mark Twain probably never heard the term Narcissists but certainly knew the personality !
GGator Country
Well, I think you and I are pretty much on the same page where it concerns adults who enter and stay in relationships with narcs. But the original vulnerability stems from the original targeting in the family of origin, and for many people it does take a long time to create and learn to maintain healthy personal boundaries that effectively protect against narc abuse.
Still, consider the difference between getting targeted and getting _successfully_ targeted (i.e. narc abuse). Anybody may become a target at some point. Doesn't have to mean that it ends up being a success for the narc.
+mpcoi yes, that's right ! I have a certain vision due to the fact I was raised in this environment .. I have a NARC radar so to speak , but despite my experience I didn't know there were others out there hunting for people like me. yeah once I was in love with a certain person the radar was off... oops ..this is when I learned about the Covert-N..so there was more to learn than I had realized.. we shouldn't have to keep a radar running, that's just not living life, but hey long ago the mother of a girlfriend once said why are you two in such a hurry ! you've got plenty of time... wonderful words !
When we stop living in denial, stuffing down who we are to please others (and feel responsible for their happiness and sanity) and finally listen to our own voice that keeps telling us that something is wrong that we can’t change, the truth of what we must do becomes apparent.
You made a great point there. Though sometimes "enablers" are also Narcissists.
100% Agree. Stop feeding monsters
Your right! I needed to hear this! Thank you because I have enabled it way to long. I am going to change things by working on me!
Im a Mom and I was guilty of enabling. I loved my daughter very much and was very proud of her. The way I can explain my enabling behavior is to refer to the movie "Little Shop of Horrors", I was Seymour. It started out innocent enough, Mom sustainable ingredients he child. This child grew and developed a huge appetite and became demanding. Unlike Seymour, I saw the Monster, and pulled the emergency cord to stop the train. Monster didn't like "No". Narcissistic injury ensued and now a 20 year estrangement. Waiting for the Narcissist to recover her brains and reconnect with her heart. No contact.
This is really important. I can accept that I have problems. And I can work on them, and express my vulnerabilities. But the narcissists I know cannot accept any kind of blame or criticism.
One must be honest with youself: In a way we also contributed to this sad state of afairs.
Now that we know, we must stop playing along. They're clever and will realise instantly that you are now different.
Its wonderfull now that you know, to see how they act according to the script as if they wrote it themself.
This I find healing for my injured soul.
Izak van der Merwe
I don't think you're too easy on the Narcissists. I've seen other channels and it shocked me because they were treating them as monsters. They are monsters but they are also damaged as hell.
Their victims are damaged as hell too. No excuse for their choices.
I so agree with what you said! its so true- I was an enabler for so long- (victim) but once i found out is when I did my research- and had a better understanding on what I was put through! gosh- this is sick!!!
Thank you Scott for bringing the mirror into perspective. It was hard and ugly when I took off my blinders and sought the truth. In healing from my ex-narc I delved deep into my past. I see I learned to self-hate. I turned my mother's destructive deconstruction into hating myself. Knowing that, I can understand why I was drawn to and allowed my ex-narc into my life. I am now regaining my sense of self and understanding I deserve the best in life. Strength is the best way to stop allowing others from taking advantage of us. BE STRONG brothers and sisters. We are worth love, the best and real love for ourselves. Good luck and believe in yourselves.
True. It requires a drastic shift of focus from the narc to those who really care about you.
moving on may require us to unearth some painful aspects of our own choices, but as we grow we become more fulfilled. And that's Liberating...
I could not have extracted myself until I knew what I was dealing with. I was too jacked up to be able to read a book so vids saved me.
It helps to revisit these videos also.
Thank you so much for doing them.
Thank you - I was an enabler in a co dependent narc abusive relationship - I see this I have accepted and changed this. I was raised by an absent father who minimized and was emotionally unavailable and a physically and emotionally abusive bpd and narc mother- I was raised to enable - I attracted all of this by the survival skills I developed. I have stopped this because I took responsibility for myself. I did this.
Great message! Sometimes I wonder if this process of uncovering all the aspects of narcissistic Abuse Awareness will stop. I see my pattern of "needing" other's approval back to when I was a baby! It's a new experience learning to pay attention to my gut feeling & trust it, rather than dismiss it. Still much work in progress here! Can't wait to be free (in mind/emotion) completely 😃
You're right on this one. Behaviour in a relationship is always a feedback loop where one partner's behaviour triggers the other and the other does what they do which is triggering to the original behaviour.
I needed to hear this today. Thank you, kind lightbringer❤️
This new view in narcissism was also mentioned in this other guys video on UA-cam I don't remember his name. He was very cut throat. There's a lot of Narc videos on UA-cam. But there are not a lot of videos on the person who is involved in the relationship. US. He said... The question to ask is .. Not why are they narcissist or why are they doing this to me... But to ask.. What is it about me that attracts a narcissism to me. Mind blown. The minute you are aware your self and faults.. And accept that hey it's something about me too.. Is when you start to "win". Like in your video .. The only way to win is to overcome. I'm happy you're going to ease to this approach about what makes us perfect for these npd
Funny thing for me was not falling for their behavior. I seemed to be aware very early on that my family was not right so I stayed to myself, away from them and very independent. When they told me I was adopted I felt thankful - which I'm sure was an odd reaction. I was happy I didn't share their DNA. Since I would not fall prey to their dysfunction they had no use for me. They mostly ignored me and made me feel invisible and now that I'm learning what they have I am understanding them better and thankful I was not pulled into their antics. Although, I married and divorced one. It took me a while to understand what a healthy bond and connection was. As an adult I have remained cordial and have kept a superficial relationships with them. "Hi, how are you? Good to hear. Yes, everything is great with me, couldn't be better. Glad everything is good with you. Okay, bye." And now my mother is old so as the only girl I thought I was supposed to help care for her, but when I offered my help I was ignored once again and witnessed a group of people clustered around her, I believe, after her estate. She was in her glory though and would not listen to my concerns. So, you guessed it, I walked away knowing my peace of mind is worth way more than I could ever get from an inheritance. May peace find you all too.
so true, I had no idea that I was an enabler. I could spot it in others and never thought I was one myself. once I had the awakening everything changed for the better. the narc could feel this change and pulled more stunts then ever in an attempt to Riel me back in. but I chose to stay strong. once you know better you do better. it has all come to a simmer. we're I am much happier because I know now that it's never going to get better being an enabler. I just thought I was helping g and somehow I was not helping in the right way....blaming myself all the time.
Great insight as always. I just one to add that the relationship of the Narcissist with others is based on a "master/slave" pattern...so I agree, the enablers should within!
It's been a little over a year and I feel so much better about myself after I had a epiphany about my narc sibling and my mother. It was like a light bomb went off in my head and a lot of dark areas were revealed. I'm still working through things, but I feel 85 % mended. It wasn't me that was the crazy one, it was them. Thank you so much for your videos.
Im such a big fan of your work! U have helped me to escape! In a way i never thought i was capeable of!! I live in Germany and my Country has to be much much much more educ!ated about Narcissism !!! Im on it:)
Thank you again with all my Heart!!!!
this is a good point! i think many 'scapegoats' including myself need to take responsibility and become aware of the role they play in allowing this type of behavior to go on in their lives! too many 'scapegoats' including myself like to point the finger at narcissists and not overcome the need to allow narcissists horrible behavior in their lives! the narcissist can not be a narcissist without a scapegoat! my mother is a vicious narcissist so for me it started at a young age! i am sure it is the same for many other 'scapegoats' but there should come a point when we stop allowing it to happen!
Eloquently Spoken!
🙏 Thank You
For holding my hand and nudging me Forward.
It has been along (6yr)journey through the Dark Forest in the illusion of his nightmares.
I kept my faith as I pressed onward... that Love would conquer! I look back pitifully at this monster... reflecting on All the damages he perpetuated.
My daughter still struggles but has grown into a smart caring young lady! We have walked this path together.... and our love for one another hasn’t wavered! We choose Love!
Defined were One’s Heart & Head & Body balance each other to a healthy Trinity!
Thanks again for your gift of insightful Giving 🙏❤️
Change our perceptions of them. Guilt & fear are their main weapons. They "feed" of that.
Scott, you are so very wise and I can't thank you or the universe enough!! for the fact that I found you when I did! I'm a Psychology major and have done extensive research on Narcissim. I was raised by a narcissist father, and was enmeshed with a naracissit friend for almost 2-years. After a month of stalking, tricks, crying and begging....I've gone 'no contact'. It's been 2-weeks now and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I know this is all part of my spiritual journey, but it is so very difficult. I am at the point, past realization that I am a enabler....and I am now nurturin;g it, but i will look forward to some direction from you. I am meditating, doing yoga and being very gentle and kind to myself, but I also still have to sit on my hands, at times, not to pick up the phone and call them. I am DETERMINED and READY for you to help guide me/us into the dynamics of the 'enabler'. I know that you will educate us with kindness and compassion. I can't wait for the next video!
This video is deep and insightful, dealing with a narcissist during the process of abuse, the narcissist put you in the illusion mode, and you become an enabler to please them hoping they will treat you better, and they also make you think that way, but it never happened it’s definitely get worse. Thank you for your excellent work Scott.
The rise in technology has made it easier to be enablers for these creatures. A simple text or a like on the Facebook page is all they need to be fueled. Now that I've been red pilled it's so easy to spot these things. Life isnt as beautiful as it use to be. I just hope that more people wake up to this epidemic and stop being enablers.
Scott, your videos have really helped me understand and get past the horrors of my 8-year long relationship to my ex-husband. Just wanted to thank you.
Enablers are just as bad as the narcissist because without them, the narcissist couldn't do their dirty deeds. My narcissist's enabler will fight you to the death if you challenge him and will do his dirty work for him including lying and manipulating me. She will set me up as a target and smile as he hurts me. She thought that by "loving" me more, she could somehow neutralize the abuse. Because of her codependency, her children were abused. And she thought that if she puts up with the abuse, then others (her children) should too. She knows it was abuse because she pointed out how she once "defended" me. Once wasn't enough. Now she plays the victim and won't admit I was abused. I'm the bad guy for abandoning them when they abandoned me a million times in spirit. Yeah, they're just as guilty.
This is great! It's good to learn about narcissism, but we can only change ourselves.
everything you spoke about in that video was so true since I learned about my husband being a narcissist I have shifted my focus to Healing from the narcissistic abuse for really just owning my part in the process I have been an enabler and I'm choosing to do something totally different with my life from here on out so thank you very much for your words
In a narcissistic relationship there is always one person feeling empowered (the narc) and the other person feeling disempowered (the victim/enabler). The narc will have it no other way. You have to choose - do I love myself enough to leave? Or do I want to live like this (in a disempowered state) forever...? Walking away is the first step in taking your power back!
I want to thank you for the information you are providing me with on narcissists. I totally agree with you, the only way out IS UDERSTANDING the narcissus. Their weapon against you is to KEEP you CONFUSED. Understanding helps disable this weapon. I realize that something in my past experiences has made me an unaware target for the narcissus. I am working on understanding why I find myself with a narcissus. And strangely enough, not the first one that has been in my life. The hard part for me right now, is accepting that the narcissus probably will NEVER change. I find myself almost in a heart breaking
process right now trying to accept this. And realizing that I am not responsible for his behavior. Or his sadness that has played a role in him becoming a narcissus. I am trying to accept this as a life learning experience. I find it incredibly sad that narcissus are stuck in the illusion and will probably never be happy. I want to be successful and happy in my life. I am working towards this. How sad that the narcissus is so stuck. And I am learning, that this is their choice and therefore, not my problem. Easier said than done.
Bingo spot on. One of the best videos yet.
You are correct sir. I love my narcissist but I've had to learn about myself and the tactics of the narcissist in order to recover. Thank you for all your experience and insight. I used to tell others when they questioned my relationship that I was a volunteer, not only a victim.
why are they so successful? - this is huge, as we have to look at our own contribution... thanks for sharing
So true, it occurs to me that a major hurdle enablers often struggle with, is accepting the fact that they themselves are being used, and their good character traits are being used against them. It is much more comforting to believe they are actually loved.
I subscribed to UN the other day, I was viciously targeted and appreciate your thinking and articulation, it is a process and making sense of what happened to me has taken time , thanks
Thank you! You speak the truth. We crave agknowledement. The narc will deliberately deny our existence! You have acknowledged me & my worth. I am also spreading the truth about narc's!🙏💪
Thank you so much for your great job!!! You eyes opener for confused and hurting victims of narcissistic abuse.
In the beginning stages of my relationship with the narcissist I could not relate to a lot of your videos. Unfortunately, the longer I tolerated this individual and recently revisited your videos, practically everything that you talk about makes perfect sense to me now, because I've finally witnessed pretty much all of it!!! When I first started watching your videos the mask had not completely slipped, but now that it has and I see him for what he really is, I appreciate your videos more than you could ever know. Please keep making them as you are helping so many people understand this wretched disorder.
Keep up the good work. I am 49 this year and was an enabler up until 5 months ago. I am now cured lol. I don't need your videos to help me to move on in my life, they help to remind me of how bad things were and how great my life is now. I found that there was only one way to deal with the Narc and that was to deal with my own issues. Yes it was hard to accept that there was something wrong with me, but it was worth all of the emotional pain I went through. I am the happiest I have ever been.
I would be interested in hearing what you can find about the enabler and Stockholm Syndrome. I believe that a lot of reason enablers do enable is due to Stockholm Syndrome. This is especially true in those who have suffered domestic abuse and domestic violence. The victim gives whatever will appease the perpertrator in hopes that it will lessen the pain. Then, the victim over time, becomes conditioned to step into the enabler role. Just a thought.
Learned helplessness. The victim has learned that they are helpless.
I believe it's really important to understand this concept when you are talking about the 'enabler'. It's not their fault
Well I’ve been away from my narc for two months I’ve always been a enabler and I’ve decided instead of making things happen for other people I’m gonna make it happen for myself I think that’s why I can overcome things and my husband has been riding on my shirt tail long enough I’ve always had to make the decisions I’ve always had to do this and do that and if it turned out good he would take the credit and if it turned out bad I’d get the blame I’m so grateful for this channel that you help me understand the covert narcissist because I have been with him for 26 years and I did not know what was wrong. I knew there was something wrong he blame me all the time and I thought it was me but I’m so grateful now I know it isn’t me. he’s destroyed my family I’ve got two daughters we have no relationship he’s ruin them!. he was the puppetmaster and he was pulling everybody string triangulation ,separation
Yes I was an enabler - and I have looked at how I got into this - I went inpatient and outpatient to understand what happened - I,had to go no contact totally - there are always be food for the marc
When you are raised to be an enabler (conditioned) it's very difficult not to follow the disordered. So, it's is complicated.
It's the law of attraction. I know exactly why and how and my mental state, I attracted a narcissist abuser into my life years ago. I went through stages before leaving him. He perpetuated that my happiness which I desired was an illusion. A few years ago I would have been angry to watch this video, but I understand so much etter now. I am also living that desired happiness, the real reality. Further understanding can be scary, but itS what's helped me heal all these years later from wounds and trauma I had cast aside for years. I'm now facing it. I recoognise my part in it, which does not make it my fault or deserving of that trauma. It just means my mental and emotional state attracted that and enabled that until I changed and left. Law of attraction. Thank you Scott for putting into words some thoughts I had which were still intangible in my mind. Sometimes I swear, you sexxplain things I was trying to explain to ppl closest to me in recent months. A lot of AHA moments going on. Might be easiest to send some of these videos than try to summarise. This video, a lot of, yup moments.
pardon the typos, I'm on a touchpad lol
Oh ya I'm getting out. Just playing his game until I figure out what to do with myself
So true. Admitting out own mistakes distinguishes us from them though...
I won't be an enabler no more now that I've just unmasked my Narcissist ex. All makes sense now.
I totally get it. Take responsibility, search for what you got out of that situation and you will get better. Been there, done that.
But the thing is, what we deal with is a barage of manipulative behaviour (lying, stealing cheating, blackmailing, coercing).
You cannot counter this by taking the responsibility and searching for what you got out of the situation as little as you could prevent getting pickpocketed or conned this way (and what did you get out of that?).
I mean, try it. It can't hurt you (well, it kept me in a loop for a long time). But to me that's psychology BS (excuse my language). That's actually the classic approach most therapists/counsellors/life coaches take (who in my case did not know anything about narcissism).
It did not help me much in my situation with a narcissistic father or a narcissistic family system.
Personally, after having intensely searched for my part in my narcs father's bad behaviour for decades, I count on getting really good at recognizing toxic behaviour, getting rid of the toxic people in my life and concentrating on people that are good for me.
And I already feel much better after a few months, than after decades of soulsearching.
Mind you, the same would work with pickpockets and con people as well.
Sorry, but I have seriously been a fan of this school of thought (I could give book recommendations) for a long time - not in conjunction with narcissism, though.
Thank you, once again, Scott!! I am learning not to enable those I know with narc. tendencies, and those who seem pretty entrenched. I had not recognized it some family members until recent behavior on their part made me have an "ah ha" moment! Working on my own problems of enabling, instead of focusing on the narc abuse I have received is the only way I am starting to feel free and healthy. Frankly, it has meant no contact or minimal contact with some family members. But the upside of that is more peace and less drama from their issues. I guess this all comes down to the only one I can control or change is me.
Takes two to tango, yes. Enabler, yes I was. I still am. I think there are other things to be considered though. Back when I met, dated and married my narc much of what you are explaining was not discussed. In that time most people had no idea narcissists existed . Enabling wasn't talked about very much either. We got married and had three children. There were problems in the beginning but ,marriage ,baby, not a lot of money, you tended to chalk it up to pressure and we'll get through this together. After the second baby the problems got worse. We needed this ,we should have that etc. and we got the things he wanted. By the time the third baby was born a part of me was already gone. I spent days taking care of 3 kids , making sure the house was clean,laundry done, dinner on the table when he got home. Things got worse ,of course it was all my fault , I didn't do this right or was always doing something wrong. I was at a point where maybe if I did this he would be happy,change that,maybe he would be happy. His rage was constant and the rage turned physical. By then I was hell bent to "fix" this. Yes he had been threatening to leave for years and that amped up but I was hell bent on keeping my family together. When things were good hey were Great ,when things were bad it was horrible. Still I jumped through hoops to make him happy. The abuse ,Mental, physical & emotional was constant but I wouldn't give up. In the end it was like living in the seventh circle of hell and still I couldn't understand where I went wrong. The kids grew up and he did leave after 25 years. As I posted on another video he only left this physical space. He still calls &shows up and the mental and emotional abuse continues. Narcissist is becoming a more common term and I didn't have the first clue what it meant until a year ago (3 years after he left) .So yes it does take two to tango but when you are alone in a marriage, alone trying to keep your family together there is not a much of a tango going on. You are to busy trying to keep the peace and shield your children from seeing and hearing too much. It is now that I need to recover, work on depression, anxiety & PTSD that he left me with, the gifts that keep on giving
Liked. I know I enabled, for sure. I played the game. almost everyone in his path gets caught up in his narcisstic power play AT FIRST. Especially the ones who are also narcs or let's just say, not that smart, they stay caught up with him long term. We need to spread narcissism awareness, which you are doing, thank you. Also, thank you for your video on their talking, that was the FIRST thing I could have noticed had I known.
I was easy on him, too. At first I didn't know what was going on and blamed myself for not being understanding. I hang on too long and when there's 2 -3 mos away from the drama, I forgot about things and the cycle would begin again. Finding out about the other women was the final straw.
FINALLY ...I left after watching many vids and figuring it out.
I'm single and love time to myself.
They surround themselves with enablers
a recent story shocks Germany in which a couple worked together luring unsuspecting women to their house and slowly torturing them to death in their basement..it was discovered that only the wife did all the torturing even though she was his very first victim..enablers sometimes maximise the evil by tenfold ..what otherwise might have bin a "mere" domeszic violence issue..they can b just as dangerous or more even !!!
I get it. It took 2 years with my standing boundaries and not enabling my narcissist. He stopped being abusive.
enablers are too abused by narcs and just relieve their pain by hurting you on behalf of narcs. That is why you better run than wait in a enabler stoping enabling a narc
you have dug right in to this personality perfectly thank you
I fear you've gone too abstract. I still understand you , it just takes a little more efort on my end I guess.
An important thing to note is , we are not "Enablers of bad behavoir". We are just enablers in general and the main purpose of this type of behavoir is to generally enable good behavoir. We get people excited about what they do and allow them to unfold their true self. Now , when we're dealing with a narcissist we get taken for a ride , that's not to say enabling behavoir is always bad , just that we need to identify narcissists and quickly stop enabling them , once they have been spoted :)
***** Same here , man! I had a narcissist friend who would always squeese happiness out of me , in order to feel better about himself. I've always had problems with him periodicly , but 90% of it was when I was around him for no particular reason or something he did.
Once I saw all the videos and found out that he isn't unique , that it isn't just him and that it most certainly isn't just me , that what he does is so so identical to these psychopathic and selfish practices that are mentioned...then the feelings went away and I could be free! The excuses and rationalizations were so "copy-pasted" that the true uglyness of the situation was exposed , it could not remain hidded!
Once you truly expose how they feel about you there's no comming back to regarding them as close ones. Their mindset is so animalistic that a human-to-human relationship or even communication cannot function. He/she is forever regarding anything you say and feel as a tool to achieve their compulsive desires. No asylum is given to the victim who has disobeyed the requests of the Narc. There is never , I repeat , never , something they did for you that you weren't told and put down about , on the other hand nothing you do for them is special , it is kind of ok , but at the same time in their mind it's your obligation to serve them as they are "I" and you are not an "I" , that's how Deep of a System disfunction they have!
We can see all of this so easily now , big thanks to all the content creators out there!!
I didn't understand narcissism because I thought evil couldn't exist with no particular reason. When I realized he was behaving cruelly on purpose, I immediately packed his stuff out of my house after 23 yrs.
You are special. You have a unique talent of getting a point across. I have watched many of your videos. They have been super helpful. I’m working through “my” issues. Self-reflection is so necessary. It’s deep. It’s enlightening. And, it’s growth. Moving forward...even if it means leaving them sit there. But NEVER looking back. You are a bright young man. You should be proud of yourself. I admire you.
WOW! YOU R SO INSIGHTFU AND SO KNOWLEDGEBLE AND SPOT ON!!! THANK YOU!!
Thank you so much for all of the videos you have done. They are so helpful and informative making a lot of sense for me at this time in my life. I am an enabler all of your talks are making everything so much clearer. Thanks again
Amanda
This is a very important video because #1 after narcissist abuse you have to "fix" yourself to make sure you do not fall into the that hell hole again. #2 Just like feeding a heroin addict dope to their heart's desire, enabling a narcissist to hurt you, your children, or whomever, makes YOU part of the problem. Maybe it makes you worst.
Thank you so much for your incredible insights! They've been a tremendous help in getting me through what has been a very difficult and painful time, finally realising just what I was dealing with and coming to terms with .why for so long, I put up with so much bad behavior, lies, deception, ghosting,hoovering and all the other destructive patterns I've now learned are associated with narcissism.There were some wonderful times but eventually I did recognise the bad times were so" over the top" horrible and following a series of stories that didn't quite ring true,I called his bluff and was baldly lied to which was the beginning of the end of the illusion for me, Now it's time for me to take responsibility for my life, do some serious work on myself and discover why I mistook this relationship for love. Thank you again, take care!
Really insightful stuff man. Can't believe it took me this long to figure out, but all of your vids that i've watched really resonated with me like nothing else has. You're really an inspiration to me, so that I can end the abuse that both of my narcissistic parents have inflicted.
These videos are really helping me understand my husband. He had an unhappy childhood in a dysfunctional family, probably with a narcissist mother. He is better than he used to be (less self-centered) because I began drawing lines against his behavior. I don't care about a lot of things that he wants to control so I let him have his way, but he only gets to control what I let him control. And when I finally realized what his eruptions of illogical, hyperbolic, paranoid anger tantrums were, I put a stop to them. At first I kept trying to understand what he was about, but he made no sense and I soon realized it had nothing to do with me. Sarcasm, insults, false accusations, making stuff up, painting me as incompetent, dysfunctional, and any number of insults. Treating me like a subordinate is a strong tendency he has. Blowing up over petty things. Well, no more. When he realized I wasn't going to play his game or accept his outbursts, they stopped. He is on probation, we'll see if he can maintain a healthier attitude.
I think that is what therapists do with them. Give no attention to their bad behaviors and reinforce the good ones. Once they realize one tactic will no longer work they will try more but maybe he will tire himself out. Its nice that you see improvement and good luck with your sensible approach!
YOU ARE AMAZINGLY INSIGHTFUL & Incredibly smart ... I'm so grateful for you doing this work .... I have been so screwed up for so long ...
Thank U thank U thank U . I am not crazy , just messed up ... I have struggled to the point of not feeling worthy of anything but struggle itself . You articulate this subject very well and give a voice to what people feel , but can't describe... You shine brilliant light on a dark subject . (Your brain is impressive to say the least. )
Cannot wait to watch this video. Thank you Scott. The title of your video is very empowering !
My Narcissistic Dad enables my Narcissistic Sister >> My Narcissistic Sister enables my Narcissistic Dad.
"Stop being food". That's an idea to conjure with!
I am supportive of your work. It is some of the most insightful and informative information available for assisting people who are thinking about and leaving narcissists that have taken root in their lives.
I grew up with a narcissist father and at 15 years old I ran literally screaming from our "family" home. I more than survived ...I slowly thrived, enjoying the very reduced communication with my father and the rest of the family.
I still talk regularly with my mother, an enabler, but I manage the relationship carefully and only receive intermittently phone quiet rage attacks. She's an ISFJ on the MBTI so she has a tendency to be kind and loving as a function of her personality. However, consistent with enablers, she works full time for her narc. Ouch.
I've been self-employed as a management consultant for almost 20 years and have my own family now. My experience battling the disappointments and false love of a narc father and surviving to love others was the foundation for my will for financial independence. Sometimes I believe in the saying, "What does not kill you makes you stronger." Then again, I wonder what could I have done with real love as a child?
A good example of this narc/enabler dynamic is portrayed beautifully in the movie, 'Behind The Candelabra'. It's the story of Liberace's romance with Scott Thorgood. It was a classic 'idealize, devalue, discard' scenario, but Liberace was a master at exploiting Scott's weaknesses. Like you say, Scott participated in the illusion, but eventually broke free.
God bless you, Scott!
Thank you. I needed to hear this.