Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM you’re such a BLESSED mother figure to me, Terri. Thank you so very much! He’s addicted to pornography. Is this related also to aggression?
Yes mine too! 2.5 weeks ago I served him with a domestic violence protection order because of how abusive emotionally and manipulative he was. He was blind sided. Cuz i have put up with it for the 4 years. He does blame me for all his reactions. If I would do this or that he wouldn't be like this. I told him all the time that how he reacts is all on him. Everything you're saying is my husband 100% (about the manipulation tactics)
Wow my ex was like this! We only dated since the beginning of January this year! He was SO triggered and angry over almost anything I brought up or asked him about, especially in terms of communicating about our relationship. I finally got fed up after our last argument (that he ALWAYS started after I talk calmly) last night. He was always blowing up at me and waiting to talk; going in circles. Nothing ever got resolved. He held grudges for weeks. And he was never able to control his anger, no matter how controlled or calm I tried to speak to him. Then he finally turned everything around on ME. After the bad falling out we had I decided to block him. It was the most exhausting relationship experience I’ve ever had with any man I ever dated.
Please investigate very carefully why he is behaving this way because it could very well be a chemical imbalance that he has no control over. I've been struggling with my husband for more than 2 years now and was preparing to leave him but I just can't because I do love him and then this morning he revealed to me that he is very ill with fatty liver disease and he's been pushing me away because he knows he won't be with me long enough to take care of me as I am physically disabled coupled with a traumatic brain injury sine 2006. This is why he wanted my son to take over becoming my legal "guardian". I thought he was just trying to blow me off. OH GOD!
Gee ... I wonder why! When I was living with my ex narc gf, I was reading articles about NPD often ..she ultimately had so little interest in me she didn’t even ask what I was reading .. which was fine .. but it was weird to be reading an article about gaslighting when a partner is engaged in gaslighting at that moment in time
My ex husband checked all 10 boxes, lucky I managed to get out before he killed me or I killed myself. The gift is I now support other women heal from unresolved trauma including the root in adverse childhood experiences and being on in the nervous system modulation and secure attachment. Sadly he went on to repeatedly do the same thing to other women. Love your work so needed to raise awareness that women can get out of abusive relationships. Love you Terri
I surely am surprised how many women ( oh and men!!) Are telling my story almost exactly. More importantly thier telling m3 my future if I go back to this narcissist verbally and just started physically abuser. Im blessed to had got an apartment in a somewhat secure building. My next door neighbor threatens him to call cops I don't awnser and I pretend I'm no home. Also he isn't allowed on property via verbal warning from my landlord. It's been 2 weeks last night was tough because he left a sweet note and engagement ring. So so happy I saw Terri podcast so blessed to see my future if I go back. Love my pioneer women and men s testimony. It helps
Shelem Pruchnik Good for you that you left! It took me about 5 yrs (3 yrs after he was arrested and had a mandatory restraining order against him) to finally leave. 5 plus yrs of being told that I am not worth it, that I am his problem and that I should just ‘shut the f-k up and act like a woman’ to get through to him, or how if I had done what he wanted in the time frame that he demanded he wouldn’t have insulted me or yelled at me, and how I am to blame for his yelling and swearing at me! Of course the only type of intimacy he ever truly allowed was physical but never true emotional intimacy no matter how hard I tried to encourage him to be more emotionally vulnerable with me. When he saw me reading a book on how to disarm a narcissist he became irate with me and ignored me for a week (which happened quite often). At first I cried but after two yrs I made the mistake of confronting him & standing up for myself which he couldn’t stand and of course just lead to more verbal fights which just escalated over time until it ruined us completely. Of course he is still the charmer and people love to go out with him and enjoy his company and think that he is wonderful! Now I am trying to rebuild my self confidence and make a new life for myself.
I keep daily journals on my life. If things are going south in my relationship I review my journals . The truth is hard to be delusionsl about when you read it. I make decisions based on facts , not memories.. Saved me many times from romanticizing the reality of a destructive patterns.
Thank you so much, I needed to hear this message today so I can save my children and myself from the man who's become a terrorist in our own home, living in fear, walking in egg shells so he won't break everything I own or destroy our apartment. Packing up as of now, and heading to your video on leaving, thank you so much
My experience has been being blamed for THEIR mistakes and the alcohol abuse making everything 10 times worse. Yes, the "you made me do this", so many people believe this when they hear it over and over. Sad sad sad.
Best comment I ever saw went along these lines "The first sign that You may be in an abusive relationship is if you're searching for these kinds of videos. Trust your instincts." And afterwards delete your cache and browsing history.💐💐💐
He blames everything on me, and tells me not to play the victim. He calls me names, and he gaslights me. He tells me I’m crazy and sick in the head, and he tells me I create fake scenarios. I feel trapped 😢
I'm witnessing you with compassion. You deserve much better than that. Healthy love does not do that. Please find a support whether it's the abuse hotline or friends and family who can help you get out. You matter.
I'd like to add 2 things: 1- if you're acting in a way that you never act, I mean if you're bending your own morals and behaving badly and think its BC of your partner, that could also be a sign. And 2- if you're watching this video that's likely a sign
Told me to "grow up" and quit "acting pathetic." Said I am dreaming my life away, acting like a 9 year old, I'm acting like a "baby." Said maybe they should "stop caring." Said "if you want my attention do something useful with your time and life" and "you can't wait around for me to say something or dream your life away" and "quit whining and feeling sorry for yourself" and "start doing useful stuff with your life."
Well I mean, Sometimes people need a kick to the butt to change themselves. If you are whining and feel all the time sorry for yourself you should change. If you don't change you life will be miserable even without a person telling you this all the time. I wouldn't be able to live with a whiny person like this, so I hope he left you before it got violent. I don't say he is right, because I don't know how your situation really is, but maybe you should check if he IS right. Because if all you do is contributing nothing to your life together and complain without doing something for you partner in return it's understandable that he says something to you. And if you don't have a job please get one. No one likes to work fulltime and pay for a lazy, still complaining person.
I started refusing to drive anymore because every time I was behind the wheel and he was a passenger he would make out like I was driving wrong and I couldn't figure out what I was doing so wrong. and he would say hunny are you Ok? What's with the driving.. so I just refused to drive anymore because according to him I didn't know how. and he always acted like he was my driver ed teacher or something.. yet nobody else complains when I drive...
Carla, Rather than quit driving maybe call him out on his passive aggressive communication. If you know you can drive then don't stop. If he says, "honey are you ok?" while you are driving you might reply," yep, I'm fine. If you have something to say I would really appreciate you being kind and direct."
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution thank you for your reply. I only had refused to drive when he was with me and just let him drive. I still drive.. but we are broken up now. We broke up 2 weeks ago and I feel it's best to let that relationship rest due to a lot of other things including his mental abuse to both me and my son.
Carla H. Omg your comment I just read and I thought that I was the only one experiencing that same situation wow. My guy did the exact same thing it made me soooo mad I told him if u wanna be a driver's ed teacher then u should of been but not in my car u won't I told him get a grip if u dontblike my driving then get out and walk jive Turkey Nobody else complained about my driving either just him he was crazy and a stooge. I had to let him go he was also like the child I never had which was evil cuz I've never had a evil child. Now I get y he was doing it it's a form of gaslighting me omg smch
Denise - I am happy for you too. I got away from my abuser many years ago. Life got better for me too. It was hard financially, but I felt so much better. And I made some new friends and had many good times!
I love that Terri said abuse is when you must live in fear of the angry outbursts used to keep you in line. I learned to say Wow, you seem so angry and observe it rather than absorb it. I have chosen not to be around that anymore.
Thank you for pointing out men who are being abused. I love my gf, but she’s very abusive. I’ve been held hostage with a knife, mentally tortured, etc. I’m in danger, but I don’t know how to leave.
I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. Here is a website that has some good information about how to leave safely www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm . There are also hotline numbers at the bottom of their homepage for you to be able to talk to a professional and get the support you need. Wishing you strength and protection and hope you choose you.
Any friends that could help you? If you could maybe to go off on holiday somewhere alone to give yourself time to think. Just an idea. I wish you the strength to put yourself first and get out. God bless
"Squeezing you too tight and it hurts you", "Leaving marks that clothes will cover". Yes! I wasn't sure if this was abuse, and I had asked the person to please be gentle, and he would react by saying in a toddler-type voice, "BUT I WANT TO SQUEEZE AND PRESS ON YOU!".
Now you good instincts are validated! And a reply to that toddler's voice might be, "But I don't want you to because YOU ARE HURTING ME! So STOP...RIGHT NOW or I am leaving." Thank you for sharing here with us.
Yes this one i never knew about! My husband hurts me really bad and pretends it was an accident and refuses to apologise. Once he fell with his knees on my back while i was sleeping on my tummy on a mattress on the floor. I screamed and i was crying i was in so much pain and all he said was stop making a fuss I didn’t do it on purpose. I had this gut feeling that he did though.
I've been in toxic friendships just like this and I certainly learned from them. If anyone approaches me trying to control what I do, who I talk to, or trying to tell me how I should spend my money or reasons why I should leave my family then I'll go ghost and run.
I need help 😢 i’ve been in an abusive marriage for 17 years. I tried to leave many many times but i always go back. For once i just wanna leave and never turn back. Why is it so hard? 😢😢
wow thank you so much for this video. just got out of an abusive relationship and my this video shocked me... my abuser displayed almost all these symptoms exactly. keep spreading awareness
Good for you, Liz! Now time to focus on YOU and understanding what happened in that relationship so you don't repeat it. Thank you for being here with us!
Abusive people are controlling ,condescending,and are always telling you you are wrong or crazy when in reality they are abusive and ratchet,,Don't put up with this behavior who needs that crap,Believe what a person does to you always trying to tell you what to do!. so you won't do what's best for.you....
Its rlly painful when u've gone back to them so many times, now that i'm finally away from them i feel empty, as much as there were bad times there were times where i've never laughed or smiled so much in my life, they grew up abused, and they reanacted the same abuse they took onto me. Ik their not good for me but this is 1 of the hardest things i've had to do. The cycle's been repeating they mess up, apologize then promise they'll get better and they never do. I've even seeked help and found no help, I've tried cutting them off but always go back cuz i feel the only time i was ever happy was with them, it feels so shit man😔
I'm witnessing you with compassion. Is it really happiness if it comes with so much pain over and over again? It is not ok to take out someone's past on you. You deserve healthy love, and you deserve to be treated with respect which includes being in a relationship without fear of abuse.
I am so HURT by my husband.. he is so mean and abandon me 3 years in a row. He has left me no food, phone , even for dead. I love him but he is having affairs and mocking me and laughing at me. HE HAS BROKE MY HEART. LOVE AND RESPECT FOR MYSELF. I KNOW I YELL BACK AND HAVE BEEN PHYSICAL AS WELL BUT MOST IS DEFENSE against THIS.. TO BE IGNORED, LAUGHED at AND BEAT DOWN mentally and emotionally is scary and I'm sad and depressed all the time
Please save yourself and get out. What you are describing is dysfunctional and abusive "love". It doesn't have to hurt like that. I am sending you strength and courage to choose you.
You are important to. You mean do much to the world there is only one you don't allow yourself to be smothered by a leech that will drain you of anything good you have to offer yourself and the world please people realise your worth I saw my mum dead on a mortuary slab and that just shoves you in to reality live YOUR life to the best you deserve it .... I'm begging you my mum died at 63 pancreatic cancer within a year you can live and enjoy your life.
You're definitely describing my relationship. He is emotionally and financially abusive to the point where he won't let me drive or work. I haven't worked for the entirety of my relationship, and I got with him super young, so no work experience. He won't let me leave though and I need the boxes to pack.
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope there is some way you can leave safely ❤️ Try checking out the resources listed in the description of the video as they may have more ideas.
I absolutely agree. I went to that type of relationship. And I sad to myself no. Thats not love! He is controlling me. I tried to explain him what he is doing to me but he said things like then find someone who doesn't care or it's because I love you and so on. No, love should not be painful and sad. I was in depression and I told myself enough. Love yourself and let it go. That's not what you want. :) u deserve better. I would never ever do this things to my boyfriend. Never. Be yourself. Be free. Meet new people(girls to-I trust you and you know how to behave with them). Wear whatever u want. I would never sad don't war this or that.. because other girl will whatch u. Or why did you put that lipstick when u are not with me.. that other guys can flirt with u.. or why do u go there with your family instead of me? Oh god .. so stressful. And everything is my fault. Of course. And why do I have this shoes they are ugly. Haha I didn't want to play by his rules so he was constantly" you made me do this, Im do because of u.-he was cold and at the beginning he was to clingy too much oh I wanted to slow down but he had fear what if I meet some other guy. Like omg.... oh I am so happy and free now. I tried to help him. But he doesn't see it. That he has a problem. You are very powerful and beautiful. ❤💪Thanks for sharing this video with us.❤
Thank you for this video... I feel less alone. I'm trying to get out of one. He was so nice at the beggining, i was his world and slowly the remarks, insult, the jalousy started. he made me feel guylty for everything,, i was stupid and useless (according to him) and the next day i was the most beautiful and amazing person he ever met. He told me about his sad childhood and everything his ex did to him and cried. My work was shit and he could gave me what i earned in a day so why work? because i worked with doctors so it must be because i was trying to marry one! He offered me gifts (even when i told no!!! please!!) and later told me "after the money i spent for you, you're doing this or saying that". i spent a year walking on egg shell, i was afraid of his reaction. i drive to work everyday and came pick me at the enf of the day. i asked him to stop, i just needed a little of "me" time and he started yelling, telling me i was hiding something and later say i was the reason he spent so much money on gas. he hated my family and my friends because of their better upbringing or religion etc.. he started to be violent early in the relation, i left him and i was stupid to go back when he promess he has changed. i became crazy when i wanted to leave and he didnt let me. he said i'am not keeping you in the house, you can go see you friend but the minute i was out he started and argument just to ruin my night. right now i am not with him but i steel talk to him. i am afraid the minute i defenitly stop i will go crazy and come to my work and make a scene or executing his threats about my family. i start to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel ... I am perfecctly aware i need to see a therapist for working on the reasons why i felt in it in the first place... thanks to everybody for telling yous stories. And sorry for the poor english!!!!
You are not alone. I am witnessing you with compassion. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. You have some great insight in yourself, and I recommend you re-read what you wrote and I think it will have some clues to your next steps. Sending you strength and protection.
Oh dear, more signes that I didn’t know about. Gas lighting, pretending things never happened, or we never talked about something just a few days before. Hurting me physically and pretending i was an accident when it is quiet unbelievable.
This is so true. We as women do ignore the red flags because they are ALWAYS there. I did and if I would have paid a little more attention I would have not went through what I went through. My ex did everything she said. He would manipulate, verbally abuse me, try to turn me against my best friend, would restrain me by covering up my mouth and shaking me then saying oh I didn't hit you or black your eye so that isn't abuse, threatened me, paid someone to hack my phone, even popped up places causing a huge scene. This type of toxic behavior is not worth it and we cannot stay in denial or think that we can somehow change this person. You will ultimately put yourself or others in danger trying to do so. GET OUT AND STAY OUT!
I use to feel like I wasn’t getting abused cause he wasn’t punching me or leaving black eyes etc… but looking back it was abuse… near the end there was a couple times he slapped me and would cover my mouth or restrain me in arguments not to leave… but he was perfect in the beginning… it’s sad how things changed but your right… the signs are always there… now I’m learning how not to be codependent and learn to be whole again
It is so sad that people get stuck in these harmful patterns for an entire lifetime and lose everything in the process because they eventually lose themselves, their mind, health, and everything, and their kids never learn how to recognize the danger because this is the only way they learn to love. Love isn't supposed to oppress and punish, love takes effort, understanding mutual respect, and care, that is how we thrive we are not meant to suffer and endure pain to prove our love. The biggest sign that someone is being abused is that they lose the ability to recognize themselves they are not the person they once were before entering the relationship, they have been reduced to a version of themselves that is unrecognizable.
I just know how this destroys you as a person from childhood trauma to the person you thought loved you becoming so verbally/emotionally abusive that u only see your first abusers face in his.
Can you become abusive if you are abused? I don't like who I have become because of it. Normally I'm pretty level headed and calm but when I'm repeatedly told I'm heartless and don't care I get frustrated because i continue to point out and it hurts my feelings but I still get told it regularly. I them lash out and I'm ashamed of it
Meghan, You can turn to abusive behavior or language if you are triggered -if you have an abuse background. Learning new ways of expressing yourself and dealing with your own anger head on in therapy can really help. since you are the boss of you, DECIDE that you will not be abusive and then do everything in your power to make that happen. I am so happy you are here with with me.
Oh dear Megan! Hope your journey through recovery is going well. Since, it has almost been a year since your post, I pray that you have found the peaceful and emotionally liberating ability let yourself tell the world who you are, instead of the people around you telling you who you are. Guaranteed that's always smear campaigning And projection. Gaslighting 101. And just on a logical note, I'm pretty sure you're not heartless, because you care enough to question and research ways for you to get through the situation. If you care enough to be concerned I'm pretty sure you're not heartless. Me thinks if you listen closely, every time their lives move Lies come out. I have learned to cut that nonsense out of my life. Once, I took back my power and no longer let them hold the buttons to push. I have found being no residual supply for them, they no longer really have a need for communication, because I'm going to speak my truth every time I'm around them. I think the epidemic of silence as going to come to an end, soon. Meaning there are lovely ladies, beautiful souls and really strong men out there, who already are not going to keep it quiet, anymore. I believe the most complicated lesson that I've learned is the toxic shame marked on me young in life. Once, I accepted what was my baggage and what I really didn't have to deal with. somebody else telling me what that was and what I need to be ashamed of and feeling guilty about. And I did that through a whole lot of journaling and a lot of couch time, too. the biggest kick in the teeth there, is the people telling us what we should feel, in regards to guilt and shame, absolutely cannot experience guilt or shame. They are incapable of it. My feelings of guilt and shame come from an internal place, and they go to me "telling the world who I am” not the other way around. If I do something and it makes me feel some kind of way. I'm going to really work hard not to do that. it's called, I think, our moral compass And the irony of it, is everything I thought it was, or the directions I was receiving the negativity from, truly was not where it started....!! I was very surprised within the epiphany, heartbroken, too!! but here I am amazing, just like you. Take care
I feel the same way, because iwent through child abuse and marriage abuse but sometimes I feel like I'm scared maybe ihv turn to be something else please help
Ask yourself .. who is saying these things to you and do they have an agenda ... I actually can’t imagine saying such things to someone else because if it was true ... I’d avoid them as much as possible
If someone loves you , would they let you get into a difficult and embarrassing situation as and when it is happening? I remember my husband watching me becoming drunk and emotional and he was smirking .Now I am well,I resent this and I would have taken the lead and left the situation and helped him in something that has now become irreparable .I recognize my situation ,I am not mad . I , fortunately have lovely friends ,thank you x
My ex always said I was the problem. He never took responsibility for his bad behavior. Never apologized or said he was sorry. Made life miserable for the kids and me. Well, guess what? I found out later he was a trouble maker at work AND he took his big bad self, ego, meanness and violence, into marriage #2. So wife #2 has to deal with it now. She even calls our son when she is "hysterical". She then found out what she really got, and its not a prize.
This was the entirety of my 20 plus year marriage. He took off and filed and divorced me . The worst part is our children. If I say no to anything he demands or requests, he will use it for when I need something for the kids and say no to them saying "well if your mother would be more flexible with me then maybe you could... sick f*ck!
I'm not sure where you're from or located, but that could be emotional, psychological and financial abuse on the kids. Triangulation and parental alienation is a real thing. Learn the laws in your area front to back up and down back and forth. Let your lawyer talk to him! you don't have to deal with him. Grey Rock his ass! if you have to communicate with him it's only by text or emails that way everything is in writing. if you have to have a conversation with him, make sure it's recorded!!! most places now you are one party knowledge, meaning, have to be only one person knowing recordings going on in the conversation. you could talk to him and as long as you know the recording is going on, that's may admissible in your area in court!! It's for sure enough to get help if you need it. It's easier to just let an officer listen to the conversation, then trying to explain it. if there's a custody exchange that has to happen, have it done at a local place, like your Police Department or the fire station or somewhere that's recorded. You may even choose to get a representative ieu family member or caseworker or whatever carried out by somebody besides yourself. Supervised visitations Maybe away for you to go if needed. I can't act like I know how this is going to turn out for you, but for me, being amicable was not a possibility. Certainly wasn't due to lack of trying. But it definitely was my lack of ability to cope with bullshit. And for Surely inability to watch my children go through what they went through!!! if I had to do it over again everything would be way different. and if your gut tells you the kids are going through any kind of trama drama and abuse, when they're not with you, follow your instinct. lawyer up and talk to the judge. Worst feeling I ever had was the one that my child was going through something tragic and legally I had to continue to let them go until they were old enough to decide. I had to wait until they were old enough and emotionally mature enough to actually open up about what was going on. If this man is a peckerhead to you, he will be a pecker head to the kids. Most importantly!!!! The kids do not need to know you're doing any of this. It's none of their business. they don't need to know how you feel about him, and they don't need to know how he feels about you you, it's none of their business. They don't need to know what's in the court orders that's for you to win the judge. They don't need to know that you're going through what you're going through with him. That'll find it's way out later in life right now it's not the time. At this time we protect our babies. I wish you the best of luck,
My husband is a typical emotional abuser. Unfortunately we have little baby so I still hang in here and it’s been for 2years.I know I have to finish this relationship but plz give me some real advice when kid involve in this.Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge.
My advice to do whatever it is you need to do to protect your child from being emotionally abused. That's it. Because you know if he does it to youHe will eventually do it to the child. Sending you strength and courage.
Fell sorry for you and kid, but it is better for the kid to not be around abuse. Just saying I went thru it. My kids mom refused to help out in the household. She would not at least even clean or keep a part time job. Pray for you.
“You so much want to not deal with what you need to do to get out of this relationship”... wow. Hit a nail on the head for me in understanding what a friend is going through. Thank you.
My ex never physically abuse me in any way. But he wanted to marry me within months after we met even his family was pressurising me to rushing into marriage. His mom was an gaslighting me the entire time.
@@terri_cole Thank you. I'm glad I got out before it was too late. Please make more videos I wish I had seen your videos before so I could have avoided more pain.
I hate to admit that both my therapist and I came to the conclusion that my current boyfriend is abusive. I’m so scared to leave because we live together and I have a pet, so it’s hard to move with an animal. I wish I had more $ and the courage to leave. I’m scared. Everything you’re saying is so scarily accurate.
You must look out for your own well being and you must listen to yourself. There is never a perfect time or scenario, but you can work with your therapist to create a plan so you can be safe and get out. I am sending you strength and protection.
Wow the guy I called the pretend fiancée starting dating me on the long weekend in May his wife died Valentine's Day drove me by a flower shop and asked what do I think about that? It was saying book wedding flowers then he bought me a plant that weekend he wanted to be married by July 16th he took me around a shopping mall and wouldn't let me leave till I bought a wedding dress and ring said I gave him back the ring he threatened to kill himself and he went to my moms to tell her I was acting strange so I took back the engagement ring my friends told me he was lonely and needed me he used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe over next few months he started picking my looks apart he wanted me to make out with him at his wife's grave. He bought a ring with his fingerprint and his wife's dead fingerprint on it he would take it off to kiss me and put it right back on he wanted the wedding to be only 20 people and he already invited 14 for his side he said the whole time I dated him he said he liked ford truck the last month I saw him He said he liked Chevy trucks next month after right back to fords told me I couldn't have keys to help him move to apt then next he forced to take them I had two dreams back to back one where he got mad at me for not giving him a roommate and next night a dream where he wanted to be around his dead wife's stuff and told me to get out so I took those two dreams and my not being good enough for him and left mar 30, 2016 and I have no intentions of ever going back his mind games made me so tired and at 44 years having a narc dad and narc grandfather I just can't put up with it. I would love to find a normal decent guy but to be honest I'm not even sure they exist. I would love counseling but I'm only living paycheque to paycheque I hope someone sees this and can get away BEFORE they ever live with a narc blessings
Debbie - Wow, that guy is really bizarre! That is a very sick mind! Don't look for a new guy right away. Focus on your own self care. You deserve to take some time off to get that guy out of your head. And yes, I too hope others get away from people like him!
We need to be taught these things as a young teen, by the time you realize what is happening it’s to late you have children and you are old and no one good wants to take on that responsibility
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I would gently invite you to question the belief that "no one good wants to take on that responsibility." When I met my husband, he had three boys (he was a widower). I loved the whole package. I know it's hard, but I believe in raising our awareness around the unconscious beliefs we have around love as they can be limiting for us. ❤️ I go into more detail here: ua-cam.com/video/VIH5O5P-hLw/v-deo.html
Ive been in an abusive relationship for over 35 years. I got out and went back. So here I am. WHY? Why did I go back to him? We are divorced, thank God, so if I can find an apartment, I will leave. I have money, but not much income. I've repeated the cycle that I grew up in. Never receiving validation, emotional manipulation, shaming, you name it. Sometimes I wish he would have just hit me and left a bruise, so somebody would have told me to leave. It becomes so "normal"
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️ I have a video on 3 ways to avoid going back to a toxic relationship that may help, if you are open to it: ua-cam.com/video/w_si4xJnv6E/v-deo.html
@terri_cole thank you ❤️. Playing the tape forward has helped me so much! I do get sucked into thinking, "it's not that bad," but it is. I think I've listened to most of your videos. ( You've gone on many walks with me) I appreciate you!
Mine was so blind sided when, 2.5 weeks ago, I served him with a domestic violence protection order because of how abusive emotionally and manipulative he was. He was blind sided. Cuz i have put up with it for the 4 years. He does blame me for all his reactions. If I would do this or that he wouldn't be like this. I told him all the time that how he reacts is all on him. Everything you're saying is my husband 100% (about the manipulation tactics). He was always controlling the money, then he got mad when I didn't know how much money we had. I always asked permission before I spent. He is/was awful. I have told him things days before and he acted like I never told him. He gaslighted me all the time. I'm sick of the control and I am done. Also now I hear through other people that now he's willing to go to counseling BUT as long as it's not court ordered. It's what the hell, number 1, I don't want to be with you, number 2, you are not in a position to be negotiating anything.
If you are feeling your partner might be cheating on you, but there's no definite evidence. You're faced with two alternatives seek out the facts, or to turn a blind eye. Selecting the first choice, although often suitable in the short term, is incredibly damaging for your personally, But for your children and family, not only in the long run too. Seeking the truth out isn't simple either as I mentioned before, technology had made infidelity much easier to conceal than in the past, however it also provides opportunities for revealing getting the evidence needed to establish them & affairs. I hate cheaters, my husband never gave me a reason to be suspicious until I found him and her colleague at a romantic restaurant. They told me it was work stuff but something wasn't right. I was worried until I was introduced to darkebprohack who offer Remote Installation to the his device, They build a web Dashboard for monitoring, 24x7 monitoring (Live GPS), They also gave me full access into the Social apps (Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc. There service is 100 % Anonymous, SHA-256 Encrypted Data, They also recover all Deleted Messages and Data you can contact via gmail ultimatehack003@gmail,com or whatsapp +17202954268 wishing you the best
Such a good video. i wish I had seen it sooner when I lived in such relationship, I´m lucky to have come out of it! I pray this reaches more who need to see the signs, and hopefully early enough to get out, to get help, in a early stage.
My ex tried to isolate me and was very clingy. He always criticized people I tried to be friendly with. Whenever we went shopping, he always followed me around while I browsed through the stores. It was impossible for me to shop in solitude and peace! And he was very unfriendly and standoffish with my aunt, her husband, and their children when he met them for the first time. While I was laughing and socializing with them, he sat in the distance and was taciturn and surly. I was so glad to get the hell away from him!
10/10 and im really bad ... emotional, physical, mental abuse...i am super traped... isolated from friends... convinced im bad person and unworthy unwanted women...
This video really helped me. I’m a 20yr old female was dating a 22 yr male. I kept giving him chances but it kept getting worse. It would be goin good for awhile then bam he flips about small things & brings up old shit. Gets furious and Yells in my face pushes me, grabs my face and arms. I kept thinking he would change and we love each other. And these random outburst of him yelling in my face being aggressive would stop. But it was the last straw because his mom had to step in and tell him to stop yelling and to give me my stuff. He kept blame me for him getting mad and that everything was my fault. That I was the crazy one. I told him he was abusive. He would laugh and say I don’t give u black eyes. But he would hurt me in other ways. Grab me aggressive. Yell in my face to the point where he’s spitting. I tired to tell him in the nicest way that he has anger issues But obviously that didn’t go well. We were together on and off a 1 yr and 6 months. I finally had a reality check and woke up one morning and said what am I doing. That’s not love. He should know not to put his hands on me no matter what even if he’s not leaving bruises. I’m picking up my laptop and clothes from him tomorrow. My mom has history of being in violent relationships before I was born. she would tell me about my siblings fathers and I would say to myself I would never let that happened to me. That I know my worth and value. But I got to the point where I was like maybe this is the love I deserve. I lost myself confidence and love. I thought I wasn’t going to find anyone better.
Thank you for your amazing video you have no idea how mach you help me! I was totally in denial and yes doing and react exactly the way you describe towards his behavior... thank you for helping all the woman's who really need a wake up call, for the simple reason of not knowing about this common fact today and who knows for how long in history this have being happening. My blessings for your amazing work❣️✨🙏🌸🙏
I feel for all men truly being abused. But it also sucks when a "man" pins you down and bruises you and you try to defend yourself and he automatically claims abuse and blames it all on you. Therefore, it's scary to reach out, especially when you have kids and he threatens to take them away bc HE is being abused!!!!!!! Im so trapped.
I am witnessing you with compassion and hoping you're safe 💕 Just to reiterate the resources in the description, in case they're helpful: *If you are in immediate danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline listed below or call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 & www.thehotline.org/ Women’s Law: www.womenslaw.org/index.php National Network to End Domestic Violence: nnedv.org/ Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: stoprelationshipabuse.org/ Office on Women’s Health, listing resources by state on violence against women: www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/resources-by-state-violence-against-women.html Domestic Shelters, discussing how to flee an abuser when you are with your children: www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/fleeing-an-abuser-with-your-children#.WHa2l7YrLVo The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, listing child custody laws by state: www.ncjfcj.org/our-work/state-laws
This isn't a behavior that you've allowed. It's something that's snuck in over time. they start out small (usually something verbally they can claim it as being too sensitive to be in criticized or a joke that they were making) and then they work up to something big (like life-threatening situation) It's like they push the boundaries. Hey text you to see if you're going to be a challenge as far as being able to tell you your reality. Usually is you stand up for yourself against somebody like that in the beginning, they go find somebody that will except the nonsense. one of the reasons you're taking it so hard as you don't feel like you defended yourself or maybe not. that's why you have to have strong boundaries for yourself. At the first sign of disrespect it's time to walk away in my opinion. If a partner elevates The Voice that's just the beginning of domestic abuse and if they call you names that's just the beginning of the amplification of abuse. I don't even get to the name calling cuz I walk away at they yelled at me. I'm not sensitive but I'm not going to try and develop an intimate relationship with somebody who wants to intimidate me. That doesn't make me all warm and bubbly. Good luck on your journey. Just know you did not allow it and you did not ask for it most certainly you did not deserve it. At the end it really has nothing to do with you because really all that person was concerned with his them self.
98% of all types of narcissists in any type of relationship, will be violating privacy boundaries. An ex went through my dustbin outside and looked in my handbags for absolutely no reason. My sister would stand outside are flat with the door cracked open listening to my phone call and would just creep obout in general. My step father would surch my bedroom regularly for things. You will have one who doesn't but they will still go into your room and steal thngs and money. Nothing surprises me with a narcissist ,so my advice is to watch and follow what they are doing, always expect spying in you're home and online and never get into a safe sense of security.
4 years of no contact this month, haha! He also counted my clothes everyday, he would dismantle my phone if we had any sort of conversation and say "I deserve privacy". He monitored the car mileage, and he was never away from home for more than 40 mins claiming he was "making sure everything was safe". When I escaped,the fist thing he texted was " I didn't realize how bad things got" only to fallow it with "if you just took care of your responsibilities, I wouldn't be lonely right now"😂😂😂. I still have those old messages, now days they make me laugh.
What about sexual denial, rejection, and control in marriage and exclusive relationships? They don't want to be with you, and they withhold affection, but they don't want you having sex outside the relationship either. Some will insist that even masturbation is cheating. We need to have an open dialogue about this as a common form of emotional abuse for both men and women.
So many flashbacks. The way he would check my phone and every single pocket in my purse. And he would ignore me afterwards if I said no, been there physically, but not talking to me the whole drive home, etc. 😥😥
Also, he would pinch me. I would tell him it hurts. And he would say well yeah. I was like well yeah? Can u stop? After, I showed him the bruises he stopped.
What's making me so much pain is when that person doesn't even care anymore wether you think he is abusing you and you just don't say anything because he kick you all the time everyday every time I disagree of what he says. And he knows you don't know where to go and so he does everything he likes and he doesn't care because he knows you don't know where your going. And remind you how much money he spent for you and that he was doing everything and call you stupid, idiot, lazy, and ask you what have you done for him???? :(
Great video. To help with the, yes it happened to men too, I wish I saw a lot of these signs before the damage was done by more than one woman. Btw. I came to this video after watching another creator where more subtle signs of emotional abuse creep in and often aren’t even recognized. I think you’d be good at putting something like that out if you haven’t already.
Thank you, and I am so sorry to hear that you've experienced this. ❤️ I have two videos that speak to emotional abuse: Beware of these common manipulation tactics: ua-cam.com/video/XOQDvsK5qcA/v-deo.html Spotting emotional abuse: ua-cam.com/video/EzdjnHXXSdE/v-deo.html
My son is in a relationship with a lovely 18 year old girl. He is 20 and they work together. She has been to our house numerous times and we adore her. Her step-father has told her that he will put a bullet in my sons brain if she keeps seeing him. Her parents have never met my son, my son is a calm, loving person who loves her so much, he works hard and comes home, he is a great person. They have now made her quit her job and her step-dad tracks her phone. I checked this mans background and he has had domestic violence crimes and restraining orders put on him. She told my son he is abusive physically and she feels like the threat to my son is credible. He owns guns (he us not supposed to)We have offered her safe haven, my son has offered to help her get and pay for her to get her own apartment. She is extremely scared of him hurting her and hurting her mom and younger siblings if she leaves. I would like my son to get a restraining order on him and make a police report for terroristic threatening. (I did go to the police station and talk with an officer, who told me he can be arrested but often they are bailed out while awaiting trial and that only my son can make the report because he was the one threatened). My son is wary of doing a police report because then she would be at risk because she told my son that her step-dad threatened him. I want to protect my family and her too but i don’t know what to do.
What if you both recognize the signs in each other? Does it matter who brought it up first? Does it matter that every time one of us identifies a red flag and asks the other to stop and consider the other person's interpretation, the other person accuses us of the very same behavior? Their feelings are valid too and I try to take responsibility for my insensitivity and misunderstanding, apologize and do my best to calm down and listen more actively to his side. But he won't validate my feelings or let me finish the single sentence and I'm the one who initiated the talk and he says I should just let it go and it's not that big of a deal and that he's not invalidating me and that that word pisses him off and that actually I've been invalidating him all this time and he's not going to validate me because he doesn't need the validation or listening or accountability that I'm trying to offer and that's why he refuses to participate in me asking for the same thing that's because he doesn't get any even though he doesn't need any, and he just learned about boundaries and validation today after I asked to talk about this issue but he wouldn't talk about it until he made me justify my feelings and always has to go and check the dictionary so he can interrupt my sincere question or my latest attempt to say my own boundary statement... he literally stop listening to me turn back to his computer looked up the words validate and boundaries, the first definitions didn't make any sense in context of my feelings and that therefore I was being irrational I pointed out I was using definitions other than the primary ones in the dictionary and once he saw which ones I meant he did never let me finish my thought and told me that I had been actually invalidating his feelintgs a year-and-a-half already and violating his boundaries which, previous to now he told me he didn't believe in personal limits , as we called Boundaries back in the day, because as he put it it doesn't ensure that the other person stops bothering you and it doesn't fix the problem you have with the other person when they refuse to stop doing the thing you're telling them you don't like ... help my panic attacks were violating his boundaries and well he's entitled have a boundary about a panic attack and I don't understand why he has to think that I'm yelling at him and verbally abusing him when what I'm saying is please stop hurting me you're hurting my feelings please stop please stop and crying in a corner and he thinks that's abusive and starts making fun of me in mocking my terrified voice and calling me a big baby all of this starts when I just tried to tell him how I feel and he has to cut me off every time. Because if I'm bringing of a feeling he's got to check the.check the dictionary to make sure you're using the proper term for your own feelings about their behavior? But his feelings are objective reality and he says my feelings are bullshit and he is rational and I am emotional and that I need to grow the fuck up
I am sorry to hear of your pain, Katy. What you are describing sounds like verbal and emotional abuse. I think you need to figure out why you are staying in a relationship with someone who denies your reality and mocks you. There are real reasons why but in order to move on, you need to understand what they are. Ask yourself the 3 Qs about hime. Who does he remind you of? Where have you felt like this before? Why is this dynamic familiar to you? When you figure out the original injury (probably a parent behaved similarly) you can decide to protect yourself. Love does not need to hurt this much.
I pray both you ladies have safely and effectively found your way out of these relationships. Those are scary, scary circumstances, right there. Soon, real soon! You will, love yourself enough to not even tolerate someone raising their voices to or condescending mockery. Logically speaking, The Next Step is physical abuse. The next time somebody pulls a dictionary out for you to explain to them, your needs and or personal boundaries in a relationship, I think you should see those, no longer is boundaries, but as deal-breakers. Recognize, that we cannot rationalize with irrational people, after picking your jaw up off the floor!! Straighten your crown Peace Queen, and silently walk out the door. Calmly so it but definitely walk out the door. I could not imagine being in a relationship fight that one more second the necessary, because it will your being. Just remember, you're not crazy and soon you will not need others to validate your experiences. Very often we are misguided and seeking external validation when actually validation is inside job. Inner heart work. Always remember, you know what happened! you know what you saw with your eyes, what you heard with your ears, and what you know to be true in fact. Never ever let somebody tell you what your reality is. It's futile to get somebody who is doing crazy making behaviors to validate you. It is impossible to have a rational interaction with somebody who's irrational. Remember to enjoy and recognize the wonders in the world, like while you're working on yourself and growing Leaps and Bounds, you'll be amazed at how many amazing men are out there!!! Grown men who will respect you and recognize your worth and value you. Ones who would rather nothing more, than to sit and talk with you and just listen and hear you out. once you can have a grown-up conversation was without a dictionary. They go out of their way to make you feel secure when you don't, but that won't happen very often because u will, so much love yourself!!! What a mindspin that is.
Every little thing I did, say or my looks was criticized by my ex. Im the crazy one. Im the one making his hair turn gray or that I am going give him an aneurysm.
Geogirl, tell him that you sure are powerful if you can do all that! And maybe you can even "disappear" or "make him disappear" etc. Wonder how he would process that?! ( A little show of humor might show him that he can't intimidate YOU!)
When I saw your face, I was instantly reminded of LeeAnn Rhimes. I just thought I'd let you know that. Now back to the video. Im a victim of emotional abuse, verbal abuse for 30 years. I'm now divorcing this evil manipulator.
Barb H - good for you! I endured the same for years until I had a chance to escape. He made life tough even after, but at least we had peace in the home. My kids and I "thrived" after that. It wasn't easy, but it was sane. I wish you the best! Enjoy the rest of your life!
I feel I am in a abusive relationship even though its not physical but after watching your video sure tells me I am.... I have felt I've been in one for a long time....and can't seem to leave.
Niko, Get help please and save yourself years of pain and suffering. You deserve to be healthy and happy. Verbal and emotional abuse are just as traumatizing as physical abuse and even harder to identify. I am glad you are here and hope my channel will help you.
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution Thank you Terri....it is helping. Its hard I get made to feel guilty even I try....but there are some good moments that I can't say all are bad. 14 yr friendship makes harder...2 years and 2 months together...I often wonder if I'm a puppet or lost...but again I truly thank you for your words and will keep watching your vids when I get time.
Niko Hansen what you said at the end of your sentence is so telling! You have felt that you are in a toxic or abusive relationship for a long time! Your gut won't lie to you like that! And not for that long. Chances are if you have felt this way for a while, you're right. This is advice I wish I'd taken in the past. I just wanna slap myself for staying with certain guys in the past after they had done more than enough to show what kinda person they were. And then usually in the end it blows up in my face. And even though deep down inside I knew I deserved better and wasn't being treated right ... It's like I was waiting for him to push it to a certain point and get extreme about it, so I felt justified in being angry. Anyways long story short, if you feel like you're not being treated right, you probably aren't. I spent too long seeking justification that I really was the one being treated wrong and now I see how twisted my mindset had become
Thank you +Emily Meatball I get to the where I have actually left but have kept coming back...some have asked "why if I am unhappy do I keep coming back?" I said I don't know maybe I am a sucker for punishment. I again at the same end up at that certain point where I ask myself that question others have asked "why?".... I am not sure I have a full on answer but its nice and sort of helps from other people.
Me and my husband dated for 1 year but when we got engaged he said that if I really lived him, I would organise the wedding to be 6 weeks after the engagement. Then on top of that , I fell pregnant on my honeymoon . When he was 42 we argued about my 1 kilo weight gain . He was a bit drunk and he wrapped a cable around his throat and jumped off a chair and was choking . He hit might daughter a couple of times and he was charged for assault . He saw a psychologist and diagnosed him with ADHD plus depression . The psych didn’t talk to me because he has a lot of traits of a narcissist . He lacks alot if empathy. Charges were dropped because he has ADHD.
I JUST ended it with my husband. He’s such an abuser he was in shock when I ended it. - they never think we’re going to stand up for ourselves.
I'm witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on for taking your power back! Sending you strength, mama!!
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM you’re such a BLESSED mother figure to me, Terri. Thank you so very much! He’s addicted to pornography. Is this related also to aggression?
Congratulations to you. Same here after 26 years.
Yes mine too! 2.5 weeks ago I served him with a domestic violence protection order because of how abusive emotionally and manipulative he was. He was blind sided. Cuz i have put up with it for the 4 years. He does blame me for all his reactions. If I would do this or that he wouldn't be like this. I told him all the time that how he reacts is all on him. Everything you're saying is my husband 100% (about the manipulation tactics)
Good for you. Stay strong.
It's sad when you still sometimes miss the person who inflicted all the abuse lol
Sad but very human, Luke. Thanks for being here.
i hate i miss him ,,i think its just my home i miss not his stupid self,,
Let it go long enough , after 20 yrs flow by ull know
zahra why not do better
It's pretty sick isn't it how someone who could do you so terrible you still love em it's a bad place to be
So happy to be single and healthy!!
Constant arguing during the honeymoon phase!!! Red flag!!
Yes! Huge red flag!
🤦🏽♀️
Yes indeed! My ex of 3 months had anger issues and was verbally abusive towards me. She ended our relationship.
Wow my ex was like this! We only dated since the beginning of January this year! He was SO triggered and angry over almost anything I brought up or asked him about, especially in terms of communicating about our relationship. I finally got fed up after our last argument (that he ALWAYS started after I talk calmly) last night. He was always blowing up at me and waiting to talk; going in circles. Nothing ever got resolved. He held grudges for weeks. And he was never able to control his anger, no matter how controlled or calm I tried to speak to him. Then he finally turned everything around on ME. After the bad falling out we had I decided to block him.
It was the most exhausting relationship experience I’ve ever had with any man I ever dated.
my husband is so upset im even watching these videos that hes sleeping in another room tonight
I hope you leave him as soon as possible.
Please investigate very carefully why he is behaving this way because it could very well be a chemical imbalance that he has no control over. I've been struggling with my husband for more than 2 years now and was preparing to leave him but I just can't because I do love him and then this morning he revealed to me that he is very ill with fatty liver disease and he's been pushing me away because he knows he won't be with me long enough to take care of me as I am physically disabled coupled with a traumatic brain injury sine 2006. This is why he wanted my son to take over becoming my legal "guardian". I thought he was just trying to blow me off. OH GOD!
He wont change
Gee ... I wonder why! When I was living with my ex narc gf, I was reading articles about NPD often ..she ultimately had so little interest in me she didn’t even ask what I was reading .. which was fine .. but it was weird to be reading an article about gaslighting when a partner is engaged in gaslighting at that moment in time
@@kimmclean5966 This sounds like manipulation, manipulation that worked apparently. I hope you are okay now.
Condescending eye rolling or they break your stuff, kick the wall out..more signs
I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years I’m so grateful for these kinds of videos , it was emotional and verbal.
Me too I almost gave in. Still forcing my self to play the tape all the way thru.
My ex husband checked all 10 boxes, lucky I managed to get out before he killed me or I killed myself. The gift is I now support other women heal from unresolved trauma including the root in adverse childhood experiences and being on in the nervous system modulation and secure attachment. Sadly he went on to repeatedly do the same thing to other women. Love your work so needed to raise awareness that women can get out of abusive relationships. Love you Terri
Right on Sarah-Jane! Keep up the great work mama xoxox
Sarah-Jane Farrell well, both men and women need help in such cases.
I surely am surprised how many women ( oh and men!!) Are telling my story almost exactly. More importantly thier telling m3 my future if I go back to this narcissist verbally and just started physically abuser. Im blessed to had got an apartment in a somewhat secure building. My next door neighbor threatens him to call cops I don't awnser and I pretend I'm no home. Also he isn't allowed on property via verbal warning from my landlord. It's been 2 weeks last night was tough because he left a sweet note and engagement ring. So so happy I saw Terri podcast so blessed to see my future if I go back. Love my pioneer women and men s testimony. It helps
It took me 6 years to decide to finally leave my abusive spouse. He is in jail this weekend due to domestic violence.
Congratulations, Shelem!! Now onto building a beautiful life for yourself, mama ;) Thanks for being here.
Stability is key. Follow the signs. Thanks for sharing.
Shelem Pruchnik hope you are ok x
Shelem Pruchnik Good for you that you left! It took me about 5 yrs (3 yrs after he was arrested and had a mandatory restraining order against him) to finally leave. 5 plus yrs of being told that I am not worth it, that I am his problem and that I should just ‘shut the f-k up and act like a woman’ to get through to him, or how if I had done what he wanted in the time frame that he demanded he wouldn’t have insulted me or yelled at me, and how I am to blame for his yelling and swearing at me! Of course the only type of intimacy he ever truly allowed was physical but never true emotional intimacy no matter how hard I tried to encourage him to be more emotionally vulnerable with me. When he saw me reading a book on how to disarm a narcissist he became irate with me and ignored me for a week (which happened quite often). At first I cried but after two yrs I made the mistake of confronting him & standing up for myself which he couldn’t stand and of course just lead to more verbal fights which just escalated over time until it ruined us completely. Of course he is still the charmer and people love to go out with him and enjoy his company and think that he is wonderful! Now I am trying to rebuild my self confidence and make a new life for myself.
@@taltalim18 help
I keep daily journals on my life. If things are going south in my relationship I review my journals . The truth is hard to be delusionsl about when you read it. I make decisions based on facts , not memories.. Saved me many times from romanticizing the reality of a destructive patterns.
Journaling about it is a great idea 💕
Just sick and tired of the character assassination! There is no peace!
Michelle,
Sometimes in this life we have to MAKE + TAKE our own peace. I am sending you strength and courage to choose you, mama ;)
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution Thank You! ❤️
Thank you so much, I needed to hear this message today so I can save my children and myself from the man who's become a terrorist in our own home, living in fear, walking in egg shells so he won't break everything I own or destroy our apartment. Packing up as of now, and heading to your video on leaving, thank you so much
I'm sending you strength and protection. I am cheering you on and witnessing your courage.
Summer Sunshine - I hope you made it out safely. I wish you well. I had to do the same many many years ago. So I can relate.
This is all very true. I've been in an abusive relationship for 20 years..it doesn't get better. Trying to get out now.
My experience has been being blamed for THEIR mistakes and the alcohol abuse making everything 10 times worse. Yes, the "you made me do this", so many people believe this when they hear it over and over. Sad sad sad.
I am in abusive relationship right now and I want to get out
me too .. wishing it was as easy as saying please leave, and they go away. ugh..
Crush a Tylenol PM into his breakfast then run like I did.
@@dustydarrius5318 💡
Same here!
Same here!
Best comment I ever saw went along these lines "The first sign that You may be in an abusive relationship is if you're searching for these kinds of videos. Trust your instincts." And afterwards delete your cache and browsing history.💐💐💐
Thank you for sharing!!
Get out and never look back!!!
He blames everything on me, and tells me not to play the victim. He calls me names, and he gaslights me. He tells me I’m crazy and sick in the head, and he tells me I create fake scenarios. I feel trapped 😢
I'm witnessing you with compassion. You deserve much better than that. Healthy love does not do that. Please find a support whether it's the abuse hotline or friends and family who can help you get out. You matter.
Look up npto ,your partner sounds like a narsisist
I'd like to add 2 things: 1- if you're acting in a way that you never act, I mean if you're bending your own morals and behaving badly and think its BC of your partner, that could also be a sign. And 2- if you're watching this video that's likely a sign
OMG! I am the Empath; she is the Narc. For 50 years! I’m so ashamed. Thank gawd for you. With your help, I will recover. Tears and hugs, John
Told me to "grow up" and quit "acting pathetic." Said I am dreaming my life away, acting like a 9 year old, I'm acting like a "baby." Said maybe they should "stop caring." Said "if you want my attention do something useful with your time and life" and "you can't wait around for me to say something or dream your life away" and "quit whining and feeling sorry for yourself" and "start doing useful stuff with your life."
Literally all things my mom's said to me at some point in my life sadly... :(
Well I mean, Sometimes people need a kick to the butt to change themselves. If you are whining and feel all the time sorry for yourself you should change. If you don't change you life will be miserable even without a person telling you this all the time. I wouldn't be able to live with a whiny person like this, so I hope he left you before it got violent. I don't say he is right, because I don't know how your situation really is, but maybe you should check if he IS right. Because if all you do is contributing nothing to your life together and complain without doing something for you partner in return it's understandable that he says something to you. And if you don't have a job please get one. No one likes to work fulltime and pay for a lazy, still complaining person.
I started refusing to drive anymore because every time I was behind the wheel and he was a passenger he would make out like I was driving wrong and I couldn't figure out what I was doing so wrong. and he would say hunny are you Ok? What's with the driving.. so I just refused to drive anymore because according to him I didn't know how. and he always acted like he was my driver ed teacher or something.. yet nobody else complains when I drive...
Carla,
Rather than quit driving maybe call him out on his passive aggressive communication. If you know you can drive then don't stop. If he says, "honey are you ok?" while you are driving you might reply," yep, I'm fine. If you have something to say I would really appreciate you being kind and direct."
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution thank you for your reply. I only had refused to drive when he was with me and just let him drive. I still drive.. but we are broken up now. We broke up 2 weeks ago and I feel it's best to let that relationship rest due to a lot of other things including his mental abuse to both me and my son.
Sooooooo happy to hear it, Carla!! Take care of you and your son, mama ;)
Carla H. Omg your comment I just read and I thought that I was the only one experiencing that same situation wow. My guy did the exact same thing it made me soooo mad I told him if u wanna be a driver's ed teacher then u should of been but not in my car u won't I told him get a grip if u dontblike my driving then get out and walk jive Turkey
Nobody else complained about my driving either just him he was crazy and a stooge. I had to let him go he was also like the child I never had which was evil cuz I've never had a evil child. Now I get y he was doing it it's a form of gaslighting me omg smch
Carla H. that is big..clear sign of abuse.retaliate or avoid these person.
You just described my 20 yr marriage to my narc ex-husband. The horrible gaslighting nearly killed me.... literally.
I wanted to die. I was married 19 years. I have been away for seven months and I can’t believe that I feel happy for the first time in my life.
Denise - I am happy for you too. I got away from my abuser many years ago. Life got better for me too. It was hard financially, but I felt so much better. And I made some new friends and had many good times!
You poor soul anyone who was in a relationship for 20 years of abuse 😢. I can not wrap my mind of what you went though. Take care.
I love that Terri said abuse is when you must live in fear of the angry outbursts used to keep you in line. I learned to say Wow, you seem so angry and observe it rather than absorb it. I have chosen not to be around that anymore.
Thank you for pointing out men who are being abused. I love my gf, but she’s very abusive. I’ve been held hostage with a knife, mentally tortured, etc. I’m in danger, but I don’t know how to leave.
I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. Here is a website that has some good information about how to leave safely www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm . There are also hotline numbers at the bottom of their homepage for you to be able to talk to a professional and get the support you need. Wishing you strength and protection and hope you choose you.
Any friends that could help you? If you could maybe to go off on holiday somewhere alone to give yourself time to think. Just an idea. I wish you the strength to put yourself first and get out. God bless
Hey how are things doing now?
"Squeezing you too tight and it hurts you", "Leaving marks that clothes will cover". Yes! I wasn't sure if this was abuse, and I had asked the person to please be gentle, and he would react by saying in a toddler-type voice, "BUT I WANT TO SQUEEZE AND PRESS ON YOU!".
Now you good instincts are validated! And a reply to that toddler's voice might be, "But I don't want you to because YOU ARE HURTING ME! So STOP...RIGHT NOW or I am leaving." Thank you for sharing here with us.
Yes this one i never knew about! My husband hurts me really bad and pretends it was an accident and refuses to apologise. Once he fell with his knees on my back while i was sleeping on my tummy on a mattress on the floor. I screamed and i was crying i was in so much pain and all he said was stop making a fuss I didn’t do it on purpose. I had this gut feeling that he did though.
That’s beyond sick and he knew exactly what he was doing!!
Few times he has kicked me in his sleep, he said sorry after I screamed. In the morning he said he doesn't remember anything.
Each and every word is true pls all beautiful people away from this kind of relationship. It is really toxic.
I've been in toxic friendships just like this and I certainly learned from them. If anyone approaches me trying to control what I do, who I talk to, or trying to tell me how I should spend my money or reasons why I should leave my family then I'll go ghost and run.
Im a male and I suffer from abuse verbal emotional relation.
I'm witnessing you. Abuse can happen to anyone. I'm sending you strength and compassion.
Thanks Terri. I love your sweet, soothing voice. You calm me down. Thanks for bringing awareness into the world.
Thank YOU for being here and saying such kind words!
I need help 😢 i’ve been in an abusive marriage for 17 years. I tried to leave many many times but i always go back. For once i just wanna leave and never turn back. Why is it so hard? 😢😢
Because the relationship chips at your self esteem and self belief. You can do this.
You've been conditioned by the abuser.
I hope you made it out! !!! How are you, any updates? You're valuable beyond measure, sending you love!!
U have a trauma bond ... it gets better after leaving
It’s hard at first but gets easier
wow thank you so much for this video. just got out of an abusive relationship and my this video shocked me... my abuser displayed almost all these symptoms exactly. keep spreading awareness
You helped save my life thank you
Myyyy Goddd you have just described my relationship. I was with him for almost five years. We just broke up a few days ago.
Good for you, Liz! Now time to focus on YOU and understanding what happened in that relationship so you don't repeat it. Thank you for being here with us!
Abusive people are controlling ,condescending,and are always telling you you are wrong or crazy when in reality they are abusive and ratchet,,Don't put up with this behavior who needs that crap,Believe what a person does to you always trying to tell you what to do!. so you won't do what's best for.you....
Thanks! After 24 years of putting up with it, I realised that this is what she is doing.
Its rlly painful when u've gone back to them so many times, now that i'm finally away from them i feel empty, as much as there were bad times there were times where i've never laughed or smiled so much in my life, they grew up abused, and they reanacted the same abuse they took onto me. Ik their not good for me but this is 1 of the hardest things i've had to do. The cycle's been repeating they mess up, apologize then promise they'll get better and they never do. I've even seeked help and found no help, I've tried cutting them off but always go back cuz i feel the only time i was ever happy was with them, it feels so shit man😔
I'm witnessing you with compassion. Is it really happiness if it comes with so much pain over and over again? It is not ok to take out someone's past on you. You deserve healthy love, and you deserve to be treated with respect which includes being in a relationship without fear of abuse.
I am so HURT by my husband.. he is so mean and abandon me 3 years in a row. He has left me no food, phone , even for dead. I love him but he is having affairs and mocking me and laughing at me. HE HAS BROKE MY HEART. LOVE AND RESPECT FOR MYSELF. I KNOW I YELL BACK AND HAVE BEEN PHYSICAL AS WELL BUT MOST IS DEFENSE against THIS..
TO BE IGNORED, LAUGHED at AND BEAT DOWN mentally and emotionally is scary and I'm sad and depressed all the time
Please save yourself and get out. What you are describing is dysfunctional and abusive "love". It doesn't have to hurt like that. I am sending you strength and courage to choose you.
You are important to. You mean do much to the world there is only one you don't allow yourself to be smothered by a leech that will drain you of anything good you have to offer yourself and the world please people realise your worth I saw my mum dead on a mortuary slab and that just shoves you in to reality live YOUR life to the best you deserve it .... I'm begging you my mum died at 63 pancreatic cancer within a year you can live and enjoy your life.
You need to get out of this relationship
You're definitely describing my relationship. He is emotionally and financially abusive to the point where he won't let me drive or work. I haven't worked for the entirety of my relationship, and I got with him super young, so no work experience. He won't let me leave though and I need the boxes to pack.
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope there is some way you can leave safely ❤️ Try checking out the resources listed in the description of the video as they may have more ideas.
I absolutely agree. I went to that type of relationship. And I sad to myself no. Thats not love! He is controlling me. I tried to explain him what he is doing to me but he said things like then find someone who doesn't care or it's because I love you and so on. No, love should not be painful and sad. I was in depression and I told myself enough. Love yourself and let it go. That's not what you want. :) u deserve better. I would never ever do this things to my boyfriend. Never. Be yourself. Be free. Meet new people(girls to-I trust you and you know how to behave with them). Wear whatever u want. I would never sad don't war this or that.. because other girl will whatch u. Or why did you put that lipstick when u are not with me.. that other guys can flirt with u.. or why do u go there with your family instead of me? Oh god .. so stressful. And everything is my fault. Of course. And why do I have this shoes they are ugly. Haha I didn't want to play by his rules so he was constantly" you made me do this, Im do because of u.-he was cold and at the beginning he was to clingy too much oh I wanted to slow down but he had fear what if I meet some other guy. Like omg.... oh I am so happy and free now. I tried to help him. But he doesn't see it. That he has a problem.
You are very powerful and beautiful. ❤💪Thanks for sharing this video with us.❤
You are so welcome, Daria. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story here with us. I am so happy you are FREE! Vow- never again, mama ;)
Thank you for this video... I feel less alone. I'm trying to get out of one. He was so nice at the beggining, i was his world and slowly the remarks, insult, the jalousy started. he made me feel guylty for everything,, i was stupid and useless (according to him) and the next day i was the most beautiful and amazing person he ever met. He told me about his sad childhood and everything his ex did to him and cried. My work was shit and he could gave me what i earned in a day so why work? because i worked with doctors so it must be because i was trying to marry one! He offered me gifts (even when i told no!!! please!!) and later told me "after the money i spent for you, you're doing this or saying that". i spent a year walking on egg shell, i was afraid of his reaction. i drive to work everyday and came pick me at the enf of the day. i asked him to stop, i just needed a little of "me" time and he started yelling, telling me i was hiding something and later say i was the reason he spent so much money on gas. he hated my family and my friends because of their better upbringing or religion etc.. he started to be violent early in the relation, i left him and i was stupid to go back when he promess he has changed. i became crazy when i wanted to leave and he didnt let me. he said i'am not keeping you in the house, you can go see you friend but the minute i was out he started and argument just to ruin my night. right now i am not with him but i steel talk to him. i am afraid the minute i defenitly stop i will go crazy and come to my work and make a scene or executing his threats about my family. i start to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel ... I am perfecctly aware i need to see a therapist for working on the reasons why i felt in it in the first place... thanks to everybody for telling yous stories. And sorry for the poor english!!!!
You are not alone. I am witnessing you with compassion. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. You have some great insight in yourself, and I recommend you re-read what you wrote and I think it will have some clues to your next steps. Sending you strength and protection.
Oh dear, more signes that I didn’t know about. Gas lighting, pretending things never happened, or we never talked about something just a few days before. Hurting me physically and pretending i was an accident when it is quiet unbelievable.
This is so true. We as women do ignore the red flags because they are ALWAYS there. I did and if I would have paid a little more attention I would have not went through what I went through. My ex did everything she said. He would manipulate, verbally abuse me, try to turn me against my best friend, would restrain me by covering up my mouth and shaking me then saying oh I didn't hit you or black your eye so that isn't abuse, threatened me, paid someone to hack my phone, even popped up places causing a huge scene. This type of toxic behavior is not worth it and we cannot stay in denial or think that we can somehow change this person. You will ultimately put yourself or others in danger trying to do so. GET OUT AND STAY OUT!
I use to feel like I wasn’t getting abused cause he wasn’t punching me or leaving black eyes etc… but looking back it was abuse… near the end there was a couple times he slapped me and would cover my mouth or restrain me in arguments not to leave… but he was perfect in the beginning… it’s sad how things changed but your right… the signs are always there… now I’m learning how not to be codependent and learn to be whole again
stramge how easily they manipulate and shame . v unfortunate to realise so late, that it is not the victim but the abuser who shud feel ashamed!
Agreed!
It is so sad that people get stuck in these harmful patterns for an entire lifetime and lose everything in the process because they eventually lose themselves, their mind, health, and everything, and their kids never learn how to recognize the danger because this is the only way they learn to love. Love isn't supposed to oppress and punish, love takes effort, understanding mutual respect, and care, that is how we thrive we are not meant to suffer and endure pain to prove our love. The biggest sign that someone is being abused is that they lose the ability to recognize themselves they are not the person they once were before entering the relationship, they have been reduced to a version of themselves that is unrecognizable.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
I just know how this destroys you as a person from childhood trauma to the person you thought loved you becoming so verbally/emotionally abusive that u only see your first abusers face in his.
I'm witnessing you with deep compassion. I hope you are safe now and taking care of yourself.
GOSH... you've opened my eyes ,thnx
I am glad to know I am not alone !! Friends/Family usually think domestic abuse is not real and people need to educate themselves more about this !!
Sofialovinglife. I agree with u!
Thank you
There are way too many domestic abuse murders to happen for it not to be a real thing.
Thank you so much for your insightful and much needed coaching and input!
I'm so glad this resonated for you, Jennifer!
Can you become abusive if you are abused? I don't like who I have become because of it. Normally I'm pretty level headed and calm but when I'm repeatedly told I'm heartless and don't care I get frustrated because i continue to point out and it hurts my feelings but I still get told it regularly. I them lash out and I'm ashamed of it
Meghan,
You can turn to abusive behavior or language if you are triggered -if you have an abuse background. Learning new ways of expressing yourself and dealing with your own anger head on in therapy can really help. since you are the boss of you, DECIDE that you will not be abusive and then do everything in your power to make that happen. I am so happy you are here with with me.
get out and take care of yourself!
Oh dear Megan! Hope your journey through recovery is going well.
Since, it has almost been a year since your post, I pray that you have found the peaceful and emotionally liberating ability let yourself tell the world who you are, instead of the people around you telling you who you are. Guaranteed that's always smear campaigning And projection. Gaslighting 101.
And just on a logical note, I'm pretty sure you're not heartless, because you care enough to question and research ways for you to get through the situation. If you care enough to be concerned I'm pretty sure you're not heartless. Me thinks if you listen closely, every time their lives move Lies come out. I have learned to cut that nonsense out of my life.
Once, I took back my power and no longer let them hold the buttons to push. I have found being no residual supply for them, they no longer really have a need for communication, because I'm going to speak my truth every time I'm around them. I think the epidemic of silence as going to come to an end, soon. Meaning there are lovely ladies, beautiful souls and really strong men out there, who already are not going to keep it quiet, anymore.
I believe the most complicated lesson that I've learned is the toxic shame marked on me young in life. Once, I accepted what was my baggage and what I really didn't have to deal with. somebody else telling me what that was and what I need to be ashamed of and feeling guilty about. And I did that through a whole lot of journaling and a lot of couch time, too. the biggest kick in the teeth there, is the people telling us what we should feel, in regards to guilt and shame, absolutely cannot experience guilt or shame. They are incapable of it. My feelings of guilt and shame come from an internal place, and they go to me "telling the world who I am” not the other way around. If I do something and it makes me feel some kind of way. I'm going to really work hard not to do that. it's called, I think, our moral compass
And the irony of it, is everything I thought it was, or the directions I was receiving the negativity from, truly was not where it started....!! I was very surprised within the epiphany, heartbroken, too!!
but here I am amazing, just like you. Take care
I feel the same way, because iwent through child abuse and marriage abuse but sometimes I feel like I'm scared maybe ihv turn to be something else please help
Ask yourself .. who is saying these things to you and do they have an agenda ... I actually can’t imagine saying such things to someone else because if it was true ... I’d avoid them as much as possible
You look like Leann Rimes..
Yes and is it she
If someone loves you , would they let you get into a difficult and embarrassing situation as and when it is happening? I remember my husband watching me becoming drunk and emotional and he was smirking .Now I am well,I resent this and I would have taken the lead and left the situation and helped him in something that has now become irreparable .I recognize my situation ,I am not mad . I , fortunately have lovely friends ,thank you x
You are a lovely speaker. Very enlightening to one's soul. Thank you.
Aw thanks so much pal!
wow. very well said. Denial of reality. Ty.
You're so welcome, Karen! xo
that tells you right there that he has a problem
My ex always said I was the problem. He never took responsibility for his bad behavior. Never apologized or said he was sorry. Made life miserable for the kids and me. Well, guess what? I found out later he was a trouble maker at work AND he took his big bad self, ego, meanness and violence, into marriage #2. So wife #2 has to deal with it now. She even calls our son when she is "hysterical". She then found out what she really got, and its not a prize.
I question it all the time! Thank you so.much for the great video
I'm so glad it was helpful 💕
This was the entirety of my 20 plus year marriage. He took off and filed and divorced me . The worst part is our children. If I say no to anything he demands or requests, he will use it for when I need something for the kids and say no to them saying "well if your mother would be more flexible with me then maybe you could... sick f*ck!
I'm not sure where you're from or located, but that could be emotional, psychological and financial abuse on the kids.
Triangulation and parental alienation is a real thing.
Learn the laws in your area front to back up and down back and forth. Let your lawyer talk to him! you don't have to deal with him. Grey Rock his ass! if you have to communicate with him it's only by text or emails that way everything is in writing. if you have to have a conversation with him, make sure it's recorded!!! most places now you are one party knowledge, meaning, have to be only one person knowing recordings going on in the conversation. you could talk to him and as long as you know the recording is going on, that's may admissible in your area in court!! It's for sure enough to get help if you need it. It's easier to just let an officer listen to the conversation, then trying to explain it. if there's a custody exchange that has to happen, have it done at a local place, like your Police Department or the fire station or somewhere that's recorded. You may even choose to get a representative ieu family member or caseworker or whatever carried out by somebody besides yourself.
Supervised visitations Maybe away for you to go if needed.
I can't act like I know how this is going to turn out for you, but for me, being amicable was not a possibility. Certainly wasn't due to lack of trying. But it definitely was my lack of ability to cope with bullshit. And for Surely inability to watch my children go through what they went through!!! if I had to do it over again everything would be way different. and if your gut tells you the kids are going through any kind of trama drama and abuse, when they're not with you, follow your instinct. lawyer up and talk to the judge. Worst feeling I ever had was the one that my child was going through something tragic and legally I had to continue to let them go until they were old enough to decide. I had to wait until they were old enough and emotionally mature enough to actually open up about what was going on.
If this man is a peckerhead to you, he will be a pecker head to the kids.
Most importantly!!!! The kids do not need to know you're doing any of this. It's none of their business. they don't need to know how you feel about him, and they don't need to know how he feels about you you, it's none of their business. They don't need to know what's in the court orders that's for you to win the judge. They don't need to know that you're going through what you're going through with him. That'll find it's way out later in life right now it's not the time. At this time we protect our babies.
I wish you the best of luck,
My husband is a typical emotional abuser. Unfortunately we have little baby so I still hang in here and it’s been for 2years.I know I have to finish this relationship but plz give me some real advice when kid involve in this.Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge.
My advice to do whatever it is you need to do to protect your child from being emotionally abused. That's it. Because you know if he does it to youHe will eventually do it to the child. Sending you strength and courage.
Fell sorry for you and kid, but it is better for the kid to not be around abuse. Just saying I went thru it. My kids mom refused to help out in the household. She would not at least even clean or keep a part time job. Pray for you.
“You so much want to not deal with what you need to do to get out of this relationship”... wow. Hit a nail on the head for me in understanding what a friend is going through. Thank you.
My ex never physically abuse me in any way. But he wanted to marry me within months after we met even his family was pressurising me to rushing into marriage. His mom was an gaslighting me the entire time.
I ma witnessing you with compassion and I am glad you are safe now.
@@terri_cole Thank you. I'm glad I got out before it was too late. Please make more videos I wish I had seen your videos before so I could have avoided more pain.
Unfortunately I got paranoid as I had a gut feeling things were off, so I did all the phone checking!!
I hate to admit that both my therapist and I came to the conclusion that my current boyfriend is abusive. I’m so scared to leave because we live together and I have a pet, so it’s hard to move with an animal. I wish I had more $ and the courage to leave. I’m scared. Everything you’re saying is so scarily accurate.
You must look out for your own well being and you must listen to yourself. There is never a perfect time or scenario, but you can work with your therapist to create a plan so you can be safe and get out. I am sending you strength and protection.
Am going through this right now😭😭
Me too honey
Same
Wow the guy I called the pretend fiancée starting dating me on the long weekend in May his wife died Valentine's Day drove me by a flower shop and asked what do I think about that? It was saying book wedding flowers then he bought me a plant that weekend he wanted to be married by July 16th he took me around a shopping mall and wouldn't let me leave till I bought a wedding dress and ring said I gave him back the ring he threatened to kill himself and he went to my moms to tell her I was acting strange so I took back the engagement ring my friends told me he was lonely and needed me he used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe over next few months he started picking my looks apart he wanted me to make out with him at his wife's grave. He bought a ring with his fingerprint and his wife's dead fingerprint on it he would take it off to kiss me and put it right back on he wanted the wedding to be only 20 people and he already invited 14 for his side he said the whole time I dated him he said he liked ford truck the last month I saw him He said he liked Chevy trucks next month after right back to fords told me I couldn't have keys to help him move to apt then next he forced to take them I had two dreams back to back one where he got mad at me for not giving him a roommate and next night a dream where he wanted to be around his dead wife's stuff and told me to get out so I took those two dreams and my not being good enough for him and left mar 30, 2016 and I have no intentions of ever going back his mind games made me so tired and at 44 years having a narc dad and narc grandfather I just can't put up with it. I would love to find a normal decent guy but to be honest I'm not even sure they exist. I would love counseling but I'm only living paycheque to paycheque I hope someone sees this and can get away BEFORE they ever live with a narc blessings
Debbie - Wow, that guy is really bizarre! That is a very sick mind! Don't look for a new guy right away. Focus on your own self care. You deserve to take some time off to get that guy out of your head. And yes, I too hope others get away from people like him!
Beside the fact that he is insane, everything was moving way too fast! Red flags were flying! He's a mental case.
Oh my God!! This resonates so badly with ...I am feeling like loosing myself
We need to be taught these things as a young teen, by the time you realize what is happening it’s to late you have children and you are old and no one good wants to take on that responsibility
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I would gently invite you to question the belief that "no one good wants to take on that responsibility." When I met my husband, he had three boys (he was a widower). I loved the whole package. I know it's hard, but I believe in raising our awareness around the unconscious beliefs we have around love as they can be limiting for us. ❤️ I go into more detail here: ua-cam.com/video/VIH5O5P-hLw/v-deo.html
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and expertise!
✌❤🌎
❤️❤️
Ive been in an abusive relationship for over 35 years. I got out and went back. So here I am. WHY? Why did I go back to him? We are divorced, thank God, so if I can find an apartment, I will leave. I have money, but not much income. I've repeated the cycle that I grew up in. Never receiving validation, emotional manipulation, shaming, you name it. Sometimes I wish he would have just hit me and left a bruise, so somebody would have told me to leave. It becomes so "normal"
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️ I have a video on 3 ways to avoid going back to a toxic relationship that may help, if you are open to it: ua-cam.com/video/w_si4xJnv6E/v-deo.html
@terri_cole thank you ❤️. Playing the tape forward has helped me so much! I do get sucked into thinking, "it's not that bad," but it is. I think I've listened to most of your videos. ( You've gone on many walks with me) I appreciate you!
Thank you so much ❤️ I'm glad that strategy is helping!
Oh my gosh. it's called gaslighting. TY.
Mine was so blind sided when, 2.5 weeks ago, I served him with a domestic violence protection order because of how abusive emotionally and manipulative he was. He was blind sided. Cuz i have put up with it for the 4 years. He does blame me for all his reactions. If I would do this or that he wouldn't be like this. I told him all the time that how he reacts is all on him. Everything you're saying is my husband 100% (about the manipulation tactics). He was always controlling the money, then he got mad when I didn't know how much money we had. I always asked permission before I spent. He is/was awful. I have told him things days before and he acted like I never told him. He gaslighted me all the time. I'm sick of the control and I am done. Also now I hear through other people that now he's willing to go to counseling BUT as long as it's not court ordered. It's what the hell, number 1, I don't want to be with you, number 2, you are not in a position to be negotiating anything.
If you are feeling your partner might be cheating on you, but there's no definite evidence. You're faced with two alternatives seek out the facts, or to turn a blind eye. Selecting the first choice, although often suitable in the short term, is incredibly damaging for your personally, But for your children and family, not only in the long run too. Seeking the truth out isn't simple either as I mentioned before, technology had made infidelity much easier to conceal than in the past, however it also provides opportunities for revealing getting the evidence needed to establish them & affairs. I hate cheaters, my husband never gave me a reason to be suspicious until I found him and her colleague at a romantic restaurant. They told me it was work stuff but something wasn't right. I was worried until I was introduced to darkebprohack who offer Remote Installation to the his device, They build a web Dashboard for monitoring, 24x7 monitoring (Live GPS), They also gave me full access into the Social apps (Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc. There service is 100 % Anonymous, SHA-256 Encrypted Data, They also recover all Deleted Messages and Data you can contact via gmail ultimatehack003@gmail,com or whatsapp +17202954268 wishing you the best
Thank you for these videos! I'm trying to get out soon
I'm holding space for you, Tammy. Thank you for being here ❤️
Such a good video. i wish I had seen it sooner when I lived in such relationship, I´m lucky to have come out of it! I pray this reaches more who need to see the signs, and hopefully early enough to get out, to get help, in a early stage.
My ex tried to isolate me and was very clingy. He always criticized people I tried to be friendly with. Whenever we went shopping, he always followed me around while I browsed through the stores. It was impossible for me to shop in solitude and peace! And he was very unfriendly and standoffish with my aunt, her husband, and their children when he met them for the first time. While I was laughing and socializing with them, he sat in the distance and was taciturn and surly. I was so glad to get the hell away from him!
10/10 and im really bad ... emotional, physical, mental abuse...i am super traped... isolated from friends... convinced im bad person and unworthy unwanted women...
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️
Thank you...this made everything clear
You're welcome. I'm sending you compassion, my dear.
This video really helped me. I’m a 20yr old female was dating a 22 yr male. I kept giving him chances but it kept getting worse. It would be goin good for awhile then bam he flips about small things & brings up old shit. Gets furious and Yells in my face pushes me, grabs my face and arms. I kept thinking he would change and we love each other. And these random outburst of him yelling in my face being aggressive would stop. But it was the last straw because his mom had to step in and tell him to stop yelling and to give me my stuff. He kept blame me for him getting mad and that everything was my fault. That I was the crazy one. I told him he was abusive. He would laugh and say I don’t give u black eyes. But he would hurt me in other ways. Grab me aggressive. Yell in my face to the point where he’s spitting. I tired to tell him in the nicest way that he has anger issues But obviously that didn’t go well. We were together on and off a 1 yr and 6 months. I finally had a reality check and woke up one morning and said what am I doing. That’s not love. He should know not to put his hands on me no matter what even if he’s not leaving bruises. I’m picking up my laptop and clothes from him tomorrow. My mom has history of being in violent relationships before I was born. she would tell me about my siblings fathers and I would say to myself I would never let that happened to me. That I know my worth and value. But I got to the point where I was like maybe this is the love I deserve. I lost myself confidence and love. I thought I wasn’t going to find anyone better.
Thank you for your amazing video you have no idea how mach you help me! I was totally in denial and yes doing and react exactly the way you describe towards his behavior... thank you for helping all the woman's who really need a wake up call, for the simple reason of not knowing about this common fact today and who knows for how long in history this have being happening. My blessings for your amazing work❣️✨🙏🌸🙏
Wow this was a eye opening thing !! This is me in my relationship
I'm witnessing you with compassion. Please be safe and take care of yourself.
I feel for all men truly being abused. But it also sucks when a "man" pins you down and bruises you and you try to defend yourself and he automatically claims abuse and blames it all on you. Therefore, it's scary to reach out, especially when you have kids and he threatens to take them away bc HE is being abused!!!!!!! Im so trapped.
I think you just saved my life
I am witnessing you with compassion and hoping you're safe 💕 Just to reiterate the resources in the description, in case they're helpful:
*If you are in immediate danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline listed below or call 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 & www.thehotline.org/
Women’s Law: www.womenslaw.org/index.php
National Network to End Domestic Violence: nnedv.org/
Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: stoprelationshipabuse.org/
Office on Women’s Health, listing resources by state on violence against women:
www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/resources-by-state-violence-against-women.html
Domestic Shelters, discussing how to flee an abuser when you are with your children:
www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/fleeing-an-abuser-with-your-children#.WHa2l7YrLVo
The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, listing child custody laws by state:
www.ncjfcj.org/our-work/state-laws
My GF does 100% of the abuse you describe. Make a scene in front of others. Say I am worthless. Sick. I don't know how I allowed this. Cheated 2 times
This isn't a behavior that you've allowed. It's something that's snuck in over time. they start out small (usually something verbally they can claim it as being too sensitive to be in criticized or a joke that they were making) and then they work up to something big (like life-threatening situation) It's like they push the boundaries. Hey text you to see if you're going to be a challenge as far as being able to tell you your reality. Usually is you stand up for yourself against somebody like that in the beginning, they go find somebody that will except the nonsense. one of the reasons you're taking it so hard as you don't feel like you defended yourself or maybe not. that's why you have to have strong boundaries for yourself. At the first sign of disrespect it's time to walk away in my opinion. If a partner elevates The Voice that's just the beginning of domestic abuse and if they call you names that's just the beginning of the amplification of abuse. I don't even get to the name calling cuz I walk away at they yelled at me. I'm not sensitive but I'm not going to try and develop an intimate relationship with somebody who wants to intimidate me. That doesn't make me all warm and bubbly. Good luck on your journey. Just know you did not allow it and you did not ask for it most certainly you did not deserve it. At the end it really has nothing to do with you because really all that person was concerned with his them self.
You dont belong together ,money holds people together.
98% of all types of narcissists in any type of relationship, will be violating privacy boundaries. An ex went through my dustbin outside and looked in my handbags for absolutely no reason. My sister would stand outside are flat with the door cracked open listening to my phone call and would just creep obout in general. My step father would surch my bedroom regularly for things. You will have one who doesn't but they will still go into your room and steal thngs and money. Nothing surprises me with a narcissist ,so my advice is to watch and follow what they are doing, always expect spying in you're home and online and never get into a safe sense of security.
I am so, so sorry you experienced such violations of privacy 💕
4 years of no contact this month, haha! He also counted my clothes everyday, he would dismantle my phone if we had any sort of conversation and say "I deserve privacy". He monitored the car mileage, and he was never away from home for more than 40 mins claiming he was "making sure everything was safe". When I escaped,the fist thing he texted was " I didn't realize how bad things got" only to fallow it with "if you just took care of your responsibilities, I wouldn't be lonely right now"😂😂😂. I still have those old messages, now days they make me laugh.
What about sexual denial, rejection, and control in marriage and exclusive relationships?
They don't want to be with you, and they withhold affection, but they don't want you having sex outside the relationship either. Some will insist that even masturbation is cheating. We need to have an open dialogue about this as a common form of emotional abuse for both men and women.
Yes, forms of manipulation and control can also be abusive. Thank you for sharing.
Still chilling to watch videos like these and think “yup, yup, did that, did that too…”
So many flashbacks. The way he would check my phone and every single pocket in my purse. And he would ignore me afterwards if I said no, been there physically, but not talking to me the whole drive home, etc. 😥😥
Also, he would pinch me. I would tell him it hurts. And he would say well yeah. I was like well yeah? Can u stop? After, I showed him the bruises he stopped.
Are you still in this relationship?
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM ughh I rather not say 😥😥
An exit strategy would be beneficial.
What is the difference between an abusive man and a narcissist man. Aren't both abusive.
yep
different styles of abuse meaning with many narcs the abuse is covert and not as obvious as someone hitting you but hurts just as much xo
Narcissism is a personality disorder and abuse is violence of a verbal, physical, or emotional nature. Usually is long term, also.
Overt versus covert abuse ...
What's making me so much pain is when that person doesn't even care anymore wether you think he is abusing you and you just don't say anything because he kick you all the time everyday every time I disagree of what he says. And he knows you don't know where to go and so he does everything he likes and he doesn't care because he knows you don't know where your going. And remind you how much money he spent for you and that he was doing everything and call you stupid, idiot, lazy, and ask you what have you done for him????
:(
Great video. To help with the, yes it happened to men too, I wish I saw a lot of these signs before the damage was done by more than one woman. Btw. I came to this video after watching another creator where more subtle signs of emotional abuse creep in and often aren’t even recognized. I think you’d be good at putting something like that out if you haven’t already.
Thank you, and I am so sorry to hear that you've experienced this. ❤️
I have two videos that speak to emotional abuse:
Beware of these common manipulation tactics: ua-cam.com/video/XOQDvsK5qcA/v-deo.html
Spotting emotional abuse: ua-cam.com/video/EzdjnHXXSdE/v-deo.html
You are so lovely. I get the childhood injuries. I really have just experienced a lot of abuse and now I can trace it back
Holding space for you with so much compassion, Margaret ❤️
Thanks for your advice
My son is in a relationship with a lovely 18 year old girl. He is 20 and they work together. She has been to our house numerous times and we adore her. Her step-father has told her that he will put a bullet in my sons brain if she keeps seeing him. Her parents have never met my son, my son is a calm, loving person who loves her so much, he works hard and comes home, he is a great person. They have now made her quit her job and her step-dad tracks her phone. I checked this mans background and he has had domestic violence crimes and restraining orders put on him. She told my son he is abusive physically and she feels like the threat to my son is credible. He owns guns (he us not supposed to)We have offered her safe haven, my son has offered to help her get and pay for her to get her own apartment. She is extremely scared of him hurting her and hurting her mom and younger siblings if she leaves. I would like my son to get a restraining order on him and make a police report for terroristic threatening. (I did go to the police station and talk with an officer, who told me he can be arrested but often they are bailed out while awaiting trial and that only my son can make the report because he was the one threatened). My son is wary of doing a police report because then she would be at risk because she told my son that her step-dad threatened him. I want to protect my family and her too but i don’t know what to do.
What if you both recognize the signs in each other? Does it matter who brought it up first? Does it matter that every time one of us identifies a red flag and asks the other to stop and consider the other person's interpretation, the other person accuses us of the very same behavior? Their feelings are valid too and I try to take responsibility for my insensitivity and misunderstanding, apologize and do my best to calm down and listen more actively to his side. But he won't validate my feelings or let me finish the single sentence and I'm the one who initiated the talk and he says I should just let it go and it's not that big of a deal and that he's not invalidating me and that that word pisses him off and that actually I've been invalidating him all this time and he's not going to validate me because he doesn't need the validation or listening or accountability that I'm trying to offer and that's why he refuses to participate in me asking for the same thing that's because he doesn't get any even though he doesn't need any, and he just learned about boundaries and validation today after I asked to talk about this issue but he wouldn't talk about it until he made me justify my feelings and always has to go and check the dictionary so he can interrupt my sincere question or my latest attempt to say my own boundary statement... he literally stop listening to me turn back to his computer looked up the words validate and boundaries, the first definitions didn't make any sense in context of my feelings and that therefore I was being irrational I pointed out I was using definitions other than the primary ones in the dictionary and once he saw which ones I meant he did never let me finish my thought and told me that I had been actually invalidating his feelintgs a year-and-a-half already and violating his boundaries which, previous to now he told me he didn't believe in personal limits , as we called Boundaries back in the day, because as he put it it doesn't ensure that the other person stops bothering you and it doesn't fix the problem you have with the other person when they refuse to stop doing the thing you're telling them you don't like ... help my panic attacks were violating his boundaries and well he's entitled have a boundary about a panic attack and I don't understand why he has to think that I'm yelling at him and verbally abusing him when what I'm saying is please stop hurting me you're hurting my feelings please stop please stop and crying in a corner and he thinks that's abusive and starts making fun of me in mocking my terrified voice and calling me a big baby all of this starts when I just tried to tell him how I feel and he has to cut me off every time. Because if I'm bringing of a feeling he's got to check the.check the dictionary to make sure you're using the proper term for your own feelings about their behavior? But his feelings are objective reality and he says my feelings are bullshit and he is rational and I am emotional and that I need to grow the fuck up
I am sorry to hear of your pain, Katy. What you are describing sounds like verbal and emotional abuse. I think you need to figure out why you are staying in a relationship with someone who denies your reality and mocks you. There are real reasons why but in order to move on, you need to understand what they are. Ask yourself the 3 Qs about hime. Who does he remind you of? Where have you felt like this before? Why is this dynamic familiar to you? When you figure out the original injury (probably a parent behaved similarly) you can decide to protect yourself. Love does not need to hurt this much.
English is not my first language and when my boyfriend and I are fighting, he mocks me when I stutter and calls me a drama queen when I start crying.
I pray both you ladies have safely and effectively found your way out of these relationships. Those are scary, scary circumstances, right there.
Soon, real soon! You will, love yourself enough to not even tolerate someone raising their voices to or condescending mockery. Logically speaking, The Next Step is physical abuse.
The next time somebody pulls a dictionary out for you to explain to them, your needs and or personal boundaries in a relationship, I think you should see those, no longer is boundaries, but as deal-breakers. Recognize, that we cannot rationalize with irrational people, after picking your jaw up off the floor!! Straighten your crown Peace Queen, and silently walk out the door. Calmly so it but definitely walk out the door. I could not imagine being in a relationship fight that one more second the necessary, because it will your being.
Just remember, you're not crazy and soon you will not need others to validate your experiences. Very often we are misguided and seeking external validation when actually validation is inside job. Inner heart work.
Always remember, you know what happened! you know what you saw with your eyes, what you heard with your ears, and what you know to be true in fact. Never ever let somebody tell you what your reality is.
It's futile to get somebody who is doing crazy making behaviors to validate you. It is impossible to have a rational interaction with somebody who's irrational.
Remember to enjoy and recognize the wonders in the world, like while you're working on yourself and growing Leaps and Bounds, you'll be amazed at how many amazing men are out there!!! Grown men who will respect you and recognize your worth and value you. Ones who would rather nothing more, than to sit and talk with you and just listen and hear you out. once you can have a grown-up conversation was without a dictionary. They go out of their way to make you feel secure when you don't, but that won't happen very often because u will, so much love yourself!!!
What a mindspin that is.
The truth is men want to stick their junk in winen without a care .
Every little thing I did, say or my looks was criticized by my ex. Im the crazy one. Im the one making his hair turn gray or that I am going give him an aneurysm.
I'm witnessing you with compassion and invite you to give yourself the same compassion and grace.
Geogirl, tell him that you sure are powerful if you can do all that! And maybe you can even "disappear" or "make him disappear" etc. Wonder how he would process that?! ( A little show of humor might show him that he can't intimidate YOU!)
Thank u so much for this ! It has all the stuff ive had said to me! Or done to me
When I saw your face, I was instantly reminded of LeeAnn Rhimes. I just thought I'd let you know that. Now back to the video. Im a victim of emotional abuse, verbal abuse for 30 years. I'm now divorcing this evil manipulator.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you're leaving the abuse behind. Take care of yourself. I'm sending you strength and protection
Barb H - good for you! I endured the same for years until I had a chance to escape. He made life tough even after, but at least we had peace in the home. My kids and I "thrived" after that. It wasn't easy, but it was sane. I wish you the best! Enjoy the rest of your life!
Watch out for online dating. Highly recommend avoiding it. Even better, stay out of relationships.
I feel I am in a abusive relationship even though its not physical but after watching your video sure tells me I am.... I have felt I've been in one for a long time....and can't seem to leave.
Niko,
Get help please and save yourself years of pain and suffering. You deserve to be healthy and happy. Verbal and emotional abuse are just as traumatizing as physical abuse and even harder to identify. I am glad you are here and hope my channel will help you.
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution Thank you Terri....it is helping. Its hard I get made to feel guilty even I try....but there are some good moments that I can't say all are bad. 14 yr friendship makes harder...2 years and 2 months together...I often wonder if I'm a puppet or lost...but again I truly thank you for your words and will keep watching your vids when I get time.
Niko Hansen what you said at the end of your sentence is so telling! You have felt that you are in a toxic or abusive relationship for a long time! Your gut won't lie to you like that! And not for that long. Chances are if you have felt this way for a while, you're right. This is advice I wish I'd taken in the past. I just wanna slap myself for staying with certain guys in the past after they had done more than enough to show what kinda person they were. And then usually in the end it blows up in my face. And even though deep down inside I knew I deserved better and wasn't being treated right ... It's like I was waiting for him to push it to a certain point and get extreme about it, so I felt justified in being angry. Anyways long story short, if you feel like you're not being treated right, you probably aren't. I spent too long seeking justification that I really was the one being treated wrong and now I see how twisted my mindset had become
Thank you +Emily Meatball I get to the where I have actually left but have kept coming back...some have asked "why if I am unhappy do I keep coming back?" I said I don't know maybe I am a sucker for punishment. I again at the same end up at that certain point where I ask myself that question others have asked "why?".... I am not sure I have a full on answer but its nice and sort of helps from other people.
Im working on escaping just a couple weeks to go i cant wait to ve out
I am cheering you on ❤️
Me and my husband dated for 1 year but when we got engaged he said that if I really lived him, I would organise the wedding to be 6 weeks after the engagement. Then on top of that , I fell pregnant on my honeymoon . When he was 42 we argued about my 1 kilo weight gain . He was a bit drunk and he wrapped a cable around his throat and jumped off a chair and was choking . He hit might daughter a couple of times and he was charged for assault . He saw a psychologist and diagnosed him with ADHD plus depression . The psych didn’t talk to me because he has a lot of traits of a narcissist . He lacks alot if empathy. Charges were dropped because he has ADHD.
Thank you for this video! This video was very helpful to me! Thank you!
I'm so glad to hear it, thank you for being here!