1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
You are spot on! It's been horrible. Does this book include ways, techniques etc, to address and recover and heal from the scapegoating experience? Thank you
SO true...and it is the maggots THEY are afraid of...because THEY are crazy and probably also on drugs or are raging alcoholics..my good brother stays sway from all of us...his ex-wife and surviving son torture him they are JUST like my crazy mother. So when my "sisters' STOLE EVERYTHING.. The evil brother was doing well and did not want to be bothered.( he is also a high functioning raging alcoholic who raped me while drunk when we were teens ..I was for Ed to sleep in living room by my "sisters" because I had left for 7 months to live with my aunt when my "mother" beat me so badly I finally rebelled.. For 7 months I was not there to be the family slave.. My good brother was tricked by my crooked lawyer "sister*..that I was crazy and lying... He did not ever know me to be crazy or a list..BUT HE IS AFRAID OF MY SISTERS WITH GOOD REASON.
Well thanks? What would you do differently? You would stay away from mean spirited people if they weren’t related? Why, be around people that demean you, no matter how related they are. WTF do you do? Up for advice! Have the best day ever!
I've found it much easier and faster to heal from the incapacitation of someone due to dementia, or even to recover from losing someone through death, than in trying to understand why a sibling would choose to demonize without cause another sibling all the way into their old age and to the grave.
My experience has demonstrated that even going no contact with siblings and a narcissistic mother, and living in a foreign country far from my original home, still has not diminished the abusive nature of the dysfunction family. At 56 years old and 25 years out of my family system, I still hear of my scapegoat position through extended family and of common friends. It's quite amazing actually.
Same here. My brother wants me to txt my sister who did wrong by me, i said no, and he said it's family. I've had 50 odd years off being a scapegoat, it's lonely and sad, but it's the way it has to be.
I’m 57 and I’m the scaegoat too. Two younger male siblings. We don’t speak. Apparently all the problems in the family are my fault and I need in patient psychiatric help. Ya. Ok.
@ladyluck5248 It's good to have a name for it now, I always knew I was treated differently, and everything is my fault, like with you. I only have a younger brother and 3 older sisters. My brother sits on the fence he likes to be friendly with us all, but he is pushing me to patch things up with them. Why should I? They will just do it again. It's sad we have to cut contact
Hey scapegoat here! Best thing i did was say goodbye to the toxic family 10 years ago. They're all living happily in the massive lie they tell themselves. It's fascinating more than anything. I've been through the grief and pain and wonder I focus on myself and the beautiful people that love and support me. They've helped me learn to love myself and that in turn has shown me how to love ♥ same with work and friendships. Say no to toxic people and walk away. We got this :)
The worst thing about being the scapegoat is that you have developed patterns of interaction with other people. I have trouble with social interactions because I instinctually look at everyone as a threat. It’s hard to change but I want a more meaningful life experience. I have isolated for most of my life. I’m trying something different for a change.
Many here will understand this coping strategy, including me. Group interactions can be particularly difficult for FSA adult survivors. I believe you have my resource list already, but if not, let me know and I'll link you to it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have it and I am working through it. I’m really making strides and I’m catching myself when I use old thinking. I feel good about opening up to people. It used to be that I would say to myself, oh this person can tell I’m not up to par but I understand that those thoughts were just me carrying around the labels and preemptively avoiding interaction. It took me awhile to get that as loud as those voices were in my own head, the other person doesn’t hear them. I got those thoughts down to a faint whisper which I easily can overcome by doing the unusual for me. I take the first step and initiate conversation. 👍🏻
That is wonderful to hear. The FSA recovery affirmations I created that I link to in the resource list will also support your intentions, in case you haven't checked that playlist out yet.
You are not alone. This impacts every human encounter in our lives. It influences our job choices and job satisfaction, whether we marry, if we make friends, etc. ❤
When I was diagnosed (later discovered I was misdiagnosed) with bipolar, my brother’s response to me was “that explains a lot”. My husband also told me that when he asked for my dad’s hand and marriage my dad asked him if he was sure. I have come to see through my healing that these statements were part of the family mythology that I am flawed and mentally, unwell and difficult to love.
Yes. I call this the 'scapegoat narrative' that supports family scapegoating dynamics and at times, flat-out abuse. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Allegedly "You be CWAZY and need HEEeeelp" screams the maniac sibling at you...their MINI-ME: ua-cam.com/video/EuWMcl0bhu4/v-deo.htmlsi=gitDYRVp1Hz5u7Nd
I was always the scapegoat. My older brother, the golden child, committed suicide 10 years ago. My younger sister, now the golden child, has estranged from me for 14 years. My dad is emotionally constipated and hasn't been a father to me ever. My mother is a very toxic narcissist and has smeared campaigned me my whole life. I stay away. The damage it's all caused me throughout my life has been baffling.
I'm so very sorry to hear it. It is a very baffling systemic phenomenon, indeed, which is why I researched on this for so many years and released my introductory book on FSA a few years ago. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I decided my previous response was inadequate. What I should have said is my sincere sympathies. My husband died by suicide 13 years ago - my FOO got to him. It was and still is devastating. Take heart ❤️.
I’m 69 years old and am the family scapegoat. I’m #2 of four children. All shame and hate was placed upon me. Mom was the perpetrator. Dad tried to be my defender. He died in 1981. 11 or 12 years ago, after an egregious betrayal by my Mom I finally walked away and went no contact. Best thing I ever did. Then 8years and 8 months ago I further “insulted “ the family dynamic and system by getting sober and staying sober. So much more I’d like to say! I’m glad I got out.
I was my family scapegoat, and was brutally physically abused by my mother. I became a people pleaser, and tried to “buy” my sibling’s affection by giving them money for more than twenty years. They were bottomless pits, asking for more and more, with no regard for my needs. When my husband passed away in 2011, they demanded my life insurance money (which was not a large amount), and I finally went no contact with them. I just found your channel, and I am going to order your book. Thank you.
I was the scapegoat, my sister was the golden child. When I was 46 my goldenchild sister and my mother (75 years old) molested me because I put my boundary.
Demanded your life insurance money? My family just bad mouths me about it - like I received an undeserved windfall. Don’t people get it? We are alone, typically past full time working years and grieving. Life is tough for widows.
My parents are turning 80 this year, and my 2 middle siblings seem to be vying to take over-including maintaining the narrative that I am “crazy.” It’s quite baffling. I appreciate this video addressing this dysfunctional family dynamic.
Common stuff when an inheritance is on the line! When there is no inheritance to be had, the kids will either not be there at all or there will be close to zero such drama... one or the other.
Oh, no inheritance on the line in my family. I am baffled by their motivation. They both were promoted to manager positions, so it might be a simple as them flexing their narcissistic bully muscles outside the workplace. But I haven't talk to them in 6 years.@@safeeffective385
It is amazing that most family members will never give up the narrative of blaming the scapegoat. It's horrifying but less so when you finally leave the vipers' nest behind and can look back without fear of the fangs. It's cultish, for sure, with the narcissistic parent or parents leading the way. If you don't buy in, you're not welcome in the cult. I'm starting to realize that's not a bad thing. It does hurt when some people you loved believe the false narrative about you but you're not in control of that. It's up to every adult to be logical and suspicious of smear campaigns. Letting go of people who don't love you enough to defend you when you're attacked is okay and right.
@SkyCloud99-bk9xv Yeah, it seems like my siblings have been treating my parents like children. But that's what they always wanted when they parentified me, so, not my problem.
My oldest brother was scapegoated terribly by my parents. We were 16 years apart in age and my earliest memories of him were surrounded by very critical and negative narratives. He died at age 62, an emotionally fractured human being. Our mother outlived him, and after he was dead, she blamed my father for preferring my second oldest brother over the him, though she fostered the negativity just as much as my father. I removed myself from them when I was in my twenties, and at 60, am still unpacking and dealing with the mess that made up the dynamics of my family.
A profound and tragic example of what I call 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). It is realities like these that fuel my sense of purpose on promoting awareness on this form of insidious, systemic abuse. Your family dynamics remind me a bit of the movie 'Ordinary People', btw, in case you want to check it out, although it may be emotionally activating. Linking you to a list of survivor resources I created as well: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusei am glad you explained FSA as Family Scapegoat Abuse. I have been thinking you meant family sexual abuse. Of course, there's some overlap there, I can verify that.
The destruction of my relationships with my siblings is what I am the most angry about. Even as adults, some dynamics are so strong, you can't get them to see around it. 😭
I blame my siblings. There is nothing stopping them from picking up the phone, calling me, and saying “is this true?” I was in a bad car accident 4 years ago, and that was like a “gloves off” moment for them to kick me when I was down. I wish I knew how to write a stand up comedy skit about it!
You can! Record your narrative and talk in front of the mirror. Peppered with sarcasm & "the jokes on me, 🤨" haha! People will laugh at how true & so ridiculous you have to laugh as you shake your head in disbelief! So do they & meanwhile you're opening their eyes!
Has anyone had their siblings covertly sabotage you in any way such as jobs, education, friends, inheritance? My siblings have been sabotaging me my whole life but I finally got away 9 years ago.
This did come up in my original FSA research. Also, parents sabotaging their children / adult children or demeaning their successes (as discussed on my 'Bizarre Realities' video here).
10:54 i’ve told my sister so many times that I don’t understand why she treats me with such disrespect and disdain when every where else in the world, I am treated with respect and admiration. I knew it was her not me yet. Yet, I still felt the need to impress her and to gain her acceptance. She is the golden child. I am the scapegoat. The same applied to my family. At every family gathering they all seem to treat me like I was leprous and make me the brunt of every family joke, despite that, I became more successful than all of them and tried over and over again to gain their acceptance.
Sending love, strength and hope to anyone who has been victimised by these abusive, lying, greedy, manipulative, jealous , spiteful creatures. Hold on to your gentle open hearts and leave them to drown in their vile little lives. Leave and never look back.
Thank you for your comment. I love your use of the word "sheepled." That word fits people in my family perfectly. I think my freedom and hard-won insight as a survivor of FSA is a strange and wonderful treasure . By saying that, I don't mean to minimize the pain of the ordeal.
Yeah the way that I look at it is similar. In some big ways we are the lucky ones because things get so bad a lot of us end up in mental health and addiction services where we get to engage with therapeutic learning about boundaries and abuse and trauma. It can take decades and decades as it has in my case But I have figured out at least what has happened and some idea of how to manage. They will remain locked in and stuck.
I was raised in Mormonism ( many speak of as a cult). So, my family use this manipulation. If I’m not obedient to their will “ you will not be sealed forever with us as a family in heaven.” Major eye roll here! Omg! How can they think I’d want to be with them forever! Egads! I have had enough trouble with them on earth! I’ve had to come right out snd say “ I don’t want to be sealed to you!”
Not just family, but it's almost like you've been marked and "other" people can sniff it out and then you're in "it" again. Strange to say the least! And lonely, too.
I did a video on this quite awhile ago, using the analogy of being energetically 'tarred and feathered'. It may be in this one, not sure: ua-cam.com/video/dwfEjNcOOFY/v-deo.html
I got estranged at 40. I am 46 now. My father who was dying told my family to estrange me. He wrote me out of the will and i was confused as to why. I found out about estrangement and I decided to change my last and middle name and moved on. I did have sadness and depression for a few years after but once I knew it wasnt my fault I was able to reocver and move on.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse my grandiose malignant narcissist father began to shun me 20 years ago , my siblings followed his lead in past 8 years. I have no one to speak with in Galapagos Islands. Gracias
This story of my life… after my narcissistic mother died, everything changed. Any hatred my brother had for my mother was now projected on me. I was suddenly uninvited to family events… blamed for my divorce despite my husband ‘s criminal behavior and the threat of me going to jail. Unreal and crazy!!
You were very lucky you were only threatened about going to jail. I was actually put in jail, and I kept telling the corrupt San Jose cop that I am the victim. I had my hospital records and the police report to prove it, but was still put in jail. After 72 hours, the bogus charges against me were dropped. The ultra highly processed jail food made me so sick. 😢 A month later I still have stomach problems from the toxic food I was fed. Constant stomach pain, so much intestinal pain. I complain to our Almighty Creator, and I'm so tired. I sleep 12 to 15 hours daily. I desperately need an attorney to open a case against the corrupt San Jose cops, and the corrupt judge at Family Court, Dept. 66.
@AlmaWells If you can, find a doctor or naturopath who can test you for Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) - that may be what you have from toxic food. It can cause severe gastric distress. So sorry this happened!
That happened to me l took the place of our mother in his mind Generally he did not like women and was awful to all his partners and his children plus mine when he had the opportunity
My first thought is that it is one of the most beautiful things in life to see someone who has lived the brutal life experience of family scapegoat, survived, and moved on to so expertly guide others who are surviving the experience. What a beautiful soul you are Rebecca! You lead the rest of us with seeing how we have had to survive the machinations of "family" who have tried so hard to destroy us. For me, I have no siblings who care nor who reach out. So I expect their indifference will continue even after the death of the last of two parents (95 yr old abusive mother). All I have for hope now is to battle like hell that the false narrative is not blindly passed on to the next generation. I believe it is definitely divine intervention that you exist at this time to expose these relationship crimes. Thank you once again Rebecca ❤
Very well said. That's exactly how I was feeling with tears in my eyes as I listened to this amazingly caring woman describe and explain my entire life.
My nuclear and extended family openly referred to me as the "blacksheep" of the family at a very young age. As my moms first born she projected her self loathing onto me. I was 3 when my sister entered our closed family, dad away on business for months at a time. I did my best to protect her from our mothers cruelty. Parentified at age 8, latchkey kids, making supper, putting ourselves to bed. My mom is not dead yet, but sis has jumped into that narrative of how awful I am. It is soul shattering. Im full no contact with sis, low low contact with mom (she has not seen where I live in 8 years, Ive moved 4 times). Just turned 57. Began researching narcissism and abuse in 2018. Was shocked to see it ALL around me. Every relationship. I had to isolate to get my bearings. Now im stuck in anger. I have no desire for reconciliation or forgiveness. How do I open my heart again?
One baby step at a time friend, one baby step at a time. Step one: ask your adult self what do I love doing? And go do it. 👍 Because there's no one to tell you you can't. 🌞☕👍🙂 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
It's a hard road for sure, but distance and separation is such a good thing, removing yourself from such toxicity. Forgiveness never means they were right, it sets us free, God bless you. His love in our hearts is the greatest we can ever know and empowers our freedom 😊!
To add to the others... I learned a very valuable concept from a very wise man in education early in my homeschooling journey. He said that you can't extract from the mind if nothing has first been put in. The example he gave was with writing composition. He said that children cannot be expected to write stories if they have no experience from which to draw. That is why, he says, it is so important for young children to play and be read to, especially good literature - for the purpose of filling up the mind with good stories (and proper English and syntax) and their own experiences of discovery through play. Only then will children be able to wrote their own stories. I think the same is true with healing from family scapegoat abuse. In the beginning, the only set of experiences we have to draw from are negative and wrong and they illicit anger and pain. First, we have to empty out a bit by going no-contact. No-contact stops most of the negative flow. I think we have to be careful here because too much idle time can stir up too much anger and resentment and that is not good for us. So then it is time to fill ourselves with the good and true. Reading good literature, reading the Bible, finding a sound church community, listening to beautiful music, learning to enjoy nature; it is time to fill ourselves up with the good and the beautiful and remember to be grateful that we have the opportunity to live a new life as our real selves. In essence, this is a time to observe and soak in goodness. And THEN our hearts will be ready to accept the right kind of relationships. In short: stop the negative energy flow, fill up with beauty and goodness, then share it with the world. 😊
You are so right on! Thank you! In my scapegoating family narrative, I am the most stupid, mentally ill, and immoral person who has ever lived. And as if that were not enough, I am ugly, too!
They only pick on gentle, kind and loving souls. Their lies, spite, greed and cruelty will be a mystery to you - none of it's in your nature. Therefore, don't fall for their jealous narrative - you are a being of light and love, beautiful, kind and big hearted. Get far away from them if possible and leave the past behind. In your memory bank, delete them and find true friends who enrich your life. I truly believe they have demons pulling their strings....
Hi peachy pie. You’re right- I just read the other day that they pick on the empath of the family. The sensitive soul. Thanks for understanding! 🌺💜🌸💟🌷🌻
I can still hear in my mind my narc mother's angry voice shouting that nobody will ever love me because of my awful character, she repeated that so many times that I started to believe her. I remember the pain, the shock and me continuously asking my friends what their opinion of me was, to find out what was so wrong in me that I couldn't see and hopefully change that disgusting aspect of myself that was so irritating to my "loving" and perfect mother and made me feel unlovable.
Holy moly, you really nailed it with the consequence of a narcissistic parent (s)dying and then a sibling taking the role of them… I had no idea what happened. I just knew things had shifted and once again the toxicity continued flowing heavy…and shifted-then the brother, who played the major scapegoat died and I was put in his role -truly fascinating how the dynamics played out -no contact was the only way and is the only way toxic behavior from the entire narcissistic alcohol induced mess of a family-thank you for this quite informative video
You're very welcome. And this can happen in family systems that are traumatized and dysfunctional, not just narcissistic, as well. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I can totally relate to all of this. My older sibling was an active participant of the FSA for over 50 years. She is the golden child and was in charge of everything - power of attorney, executor etc. for my mother. She attacked me verbally at my mother's funeral (just when I was hoping it was all over). I have gone non contact but she is communicating with people around me and running a smear campaign (for more than 12 months now). Oh, and she told me and has been telling just about everyone that my father was not actually my biological father. It's been a bit rough. Still, at least I have a better understanding of the dynamics now. Thank you for that. But you are right that people do not recognise when someone is being emotionally abused by this type of system. Very few people can understand.
Thank you for putting this experience into words. My brothers had already followed my parents’ lead by the time they were ages 7 and 5, and I wasn’t yet 2. I had been labeled “the attention-seeker”, so if I cried, I was ignored because the narrative was “She’s just doing it for attention”, meaning they needed to ignore me until I stopped. By age 3, I wanted to die. Others in the family were too busy, shooing me away when I was so lonely. I just wanted to be wanted. Fast-forward to age 15, I knew nothing would change if I took my life --it would be said that “She’s always had a mental problem…” and I would be blamed for my own suicide. So I moved ahead, left home and got some counseling. Four decades later, I have been 3 years no contact with the family system. I’m finally free. 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much for this video! I am now almost 70 years old and I'm still recovering from diagnosed CPTSD after being the family scapegoat. My narc mother physically and emotionally abused me throughout my chidhood and into adulthood. She did nothing to stop childhood sexual abuse either. My late husband saw my mother for what she was and helped me break free from her. He also recognised that my only sibling, a half brother, was the "golden child" and had been trained to perpetuate her abuse. I didn't want to hear what my husband said, but after his death, my brother's abuse ramped up to the extent that I couldn't ignore it any longer. When our mother finally died I was banned from her funeral and my half brother tried to stop me inheriting anything from her. A good lawyer referred me to an excellent and aware psychologist and I am 10 years into healing, although sometimes it still hurts. Your video was an excellent refresher course. Please keep up your good work!
My parents both had no Dad, my mothers died when she was 1 and my dad never knew his dad, but was brought up by a cold stepfather. Im the 4th out of 5 children, both my parents died when i was 18, the siblings more or less turned their backs on me. Its been very tough, and im the scapegoat. Never got any love as a child off either parents or anyone.
Engage with this community as if it's your real family. We all understand each other, and can support each other. Don't be lonely, you're amongst friends 🙏💕☮️
Hi Pam, linking you to a list of resources if you are wanting additional support. Rhonda's private Facebook group may be particularly helpful: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Right. Best explanation of my own situation has ALWAYS been "pretend it didn't happen". In other words "join in the shared fantasy, and ignore all of the collateral damage. Put on a happy face (mask). Stop being so negative. Succumb to the bullying. Stop being an individual. You are with us, or you are against us." Thank you for making this video.
You're welcome. Yes, we know in the field of Family Systems that every family has an unspoken 'motto' or family narrative that members are pressured to adhere and conform to. You describe such 'mottos' well in your comment. Thank you for being a 'Supporter' member of this channel.
You're very welcome. We know in Family Systems that all families have unspoken 'mottos'. Sounds like you may have figured yours out via your last sentence here.
i don't hate them.. i just know i did not . nor, do i want to be involved with them..i was an invisible kid...so, why bother now with them? I have never really have them in my life...and, at this stage .. i don't need them...i am good... don't wish any bad.. but...just can't be in their presents.
Thank you. You may want to read my introductory book on FSA for even greater clarity on what may have happened to you in your family. Linking you to my resource page for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Whenever I feel down I remind myself that Jesus was the ultimate scapegoat and God always favors the scapegoat so we are targeted because we are spiritually stronger than our families
@@morgandubie being the family scapegoat, one would think you have now been sucked in to a fantasy world. After all the years of abuse, I choose to live in the real world and not a make-believe world with a sky daddy, a poltergeist, and an out upon human. (This sounds so polytheistic. A triune does mean three. Not one.) All of this with no evidence. As a survivor, I prefer reality over delusions. I have evidence, real tangible evidence, of my past abuses. There has yet to be any evidence of the supernatural. I like a reality and non-shame based life. I hope you find peace without delusions. It’s so worth it.
@@sallyeddy5295 who said there’s no evidence? Sorry doll that you’ve clearly been through it in life, however, I’ve also been through things you couldn’t possibly fathom. I don’t “make up a sky daddy” because it makes me feel better (in fact, that notion is laughable) I believe in Jesus Christ because He is the truth. The very fact that you use the term sky daddy tells me you know nothing about the reality of the world and the truth that exists outside of the physical realm. I feel sorry for you and your immature worldview but also because you harbor so much envy and hatred towards someone who has learned the truth and is now trying to share that truth with as many people as possible. I wish you well and hope you learn to eventually love yourself (which clearly you don’t or else you wouldn’t feel the need to lash out at those who do.) I don’t say that out of anger but out of love and pity. Take care of yourself and I hope Jesus touches your heart and soul like He did mine.
I've always been aware of how traumatic my childhood was, having had a selfish narcissistic mother who forced me into becoming a parentified child around 7-8 years old, when she had my little brother, whose well being and care was left up to me for the majority of his childhood.. then she started constantly pitting us against each other as we got older, by making me out to be the bad guy(scapegoat/black sheep), even though I was the one who she always depended on to take care of her when she fell ill and was responsible for making sure they both had what they needed, and by making him out to be the golden child and giving him anything he wanted, despite his constant disrespect towards her and myself, his blatant disregard for authority by committing multiple crimes, and even after he eventually ending up in prison for 10 years once he finally messed up so bad that he got caught.. however, it wasn't until my mom passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, that a tsunami of repressed/suppressed emotions and realizations was triggered, that revealed just HOW DEEP that trauma went.. it was like her dying opened some sort of Pandora's box that had been hidden within my subconscious and was then opened and flooding me with an endless barrage of intense pain and confusion on an existential level that I thought would drown me for sure.. needless to say, the past few years of my life have proved to be some of the most treacherous terrain I've ever had to navigate when it comes to dealing with and healing the aspects of myself that had been so deeply wounded.. all while simultaneously grieving the passing of my only 2 uncles and grandfather, all who passed within a year of my mom's passing, raising my daughter as a single parent because her father was nowhere to be found, losing the small cleaning/catering business that I'd had for about 7 years, getting out of a bad relationship after almost 5 years together, uprooting our lives to move to a new city and state and basically having to completely start our lives over.. not to mention this was all happening amidst the chaos and insanity that the pandemic caused as well.. but somehow, I made it through all of it, which showed me something incredibly surprising about myself and about who I was at a soul level.. it showed me just how resilient, strong, understanding, emotionally intelligent and extraordinary I had to be, in order for me to make it through everything I went through, and still have my mental sanity, positive attitude and unwavering belief in God's love for me still intact.. being able to see those things about myself, was a very vital and crucial step in reprogramming all the layers of negative and detrimental subconscious programming, that comes from experiencing so much trauma throughout life.. my inner child was so damaged, that I had to isolate myself for long periods of time, in order to fully devote myself to the healing process without distractions.. I was fortunate and thankful that my daughter was old enough to understand that I needed time to heal, and that she had her aunt and grandma on her dad's side who wanted her to come stay with them for that summer, which allowed me some essential freedom to dedicate more time and energy to working on becoming the best version of myself possible through my healing process.. this journey is far from over, but the past no longer controls my present and future life experiences in this world the way it once did.. I feel extremely blessed and humbled to be able to share with others how it is ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE to go through every hell imaginable, and still come out on the other side of it.. To be honest, I'm extremely grateful for EVERYTHING that I had to go through because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be the person I am today, and I am very happy to have become who I currently am.. THAT, in my opinion, is what qualifies as a bona-fide miracle, which proves miraculous things can and do happen when you're willing to take step back and look at things from a higher perspective.. SENDING ALL WHO READ THIS AND WISH TO RECEIVE IT, SO MUCH LOVE, HEALING, PEACE, LIGHT AND INFINITE BLESSINGS!! STAY BLESSED NOT STRESSED 💖💖😇😇🙏🙏🥰🥰🌟🌟🤗🤗💞💞
I was the scapegoat of the family. My mother was a narcissist and abusive. My siblings learned from an early age that if they were nice to me they didn’t get cookies or mommy’s favor. They caught on and realized that and that they were rewarded when they were mean to me. I married the first guy who asked to escape, but he was another narcissist, big mistake.
Don't blame yourself for that. Being denied any love or affection as a child and young adult of course we were ripe for the first love-bombing narcissist who came along.
And, I would add, give yourself a private and secluded space to (quietly, if possible) process the rage. When you no longer take it out on yourself or others, just send it 'out.'
Boy, when you mentioned how a sibling takes up the same behavior as the parent who dies, that really hit home. When my father passed away, I admit, I was relieved. The years of abuse had caused me so much anxiety that I could no longer be in contact with him, but then, after his death I had assumed it would all be okay, I'd be safe, but not the case. My sister decided that she would continue this abusive legacy. It has gotten her into trouble. Not at all shocking. She can't abuse me so she goes after those she can abuse. She plays victim and bully just like my dad did. Whatever serves the purpose. Anyway....Thank you for speaking about this. It can be years of torment.
You're very welcome. Sorry you went through this. Linking you to my list of resources here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you ...sigh!!!! I am 75 year old middle child & still scapgoated by my 2 sisters. I have 3 children & 9 grandchildren & one of my sisters continually creeps in with her distorted version of me. Literally goes out of her way to maligned me. So sad. I have distanced myself completely & could not figure out why she & my younger sister, both in their 70's, would do this. I appreciate your work & will be following you & getting your books. Thank you for all that you do . phew!!!!
I knew all this was happening to me. Didn’t realize there was a term for it. Also didn’t realize that it was this common. I feel like I found my new family, a family of fellow scapegoats. Yes, this is all very soul crushing. I must pray for them. If I am told to pray for my enemies, that includes family. 😢
I don't care what they think about me or if they love me anymore. It hurt so badly for year's. But anymore, I can't stand to even talk to any of them. I am healing more and more, and I now know how sick they all are. It's too bad. They don't even know me. They have no power. I have the power now.
"They don't even know me." Typically this is the case. As I say in videos here and in my book, often the FSA target is simply a human projection screen. It is a very dehumanizing, objectifying, soul-crushing process.
I’m the designated scapegoat. My mother clearly let it be know from childhood that my only sibling sister was the favored golden child. After my father passed away when I was 11, I was blamed for everything including the cause of my own father’s death (heart attack probably from heavy smoking). In my teens through my 20’s, the golden child joined in on the blame game. I will never ever forget the mental abusive hurtful name calling that my mother inflicted on me throughout my life. I was often told that she should have never gave birth to me. She’s passed on and my sister and I have been estranged for over 12 years now. I know nothing about her life and assume that she is happy that we are literally strangers.
Your story emphasizes why I have dedicated my entire career to waking society up - including Mental Health professionals - regarding the devastating nature of this form of abuse (what I named Family Scapegoating Abuse/FSA). Here's a survivor Resource list I put together in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Seven years ago, I began the difficult healing process from severe trauma that I experienced for several years as a child. I am 47 years old now; I have been and still am the scapegoat in my family. My sister was, and still is, the golden child. I have had to go no contact with my family (including my sister) for my sanity. I stumbled across your book on Amazon about a year ago and it has made such a positive impact on my life and aided in my healing. I cannot thank you enough!
So good to hear. Linking you to a list of resources I created (and recently updated) in case you missed it: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Catholicism isn’t a cult. They sound unhinged. Scientology is a cult. Catholic Church doesn’t care if you leave or stay. It doesn’t stalk you. Please stop excusing your families poor behavior through bigotry.
Something unusual happened recently. I rarely hear from my brothers who are much older and they dont speak with each other. I left my home town at 15 and didn't visit for 23 years and then rarely after that. Last week unbeknownst to each other they both texted me with texts leap frogging each other. My only interest in maintaining minmal contact is that i appreciate my nephews and their families who i see once a year or so. I lead a life of travel and outdoor adventure. Home to me is cultivating intuition, and love for and within myself ... That's the best adventure of all. Family are my friends who I now choose carefully.
Hi Mellie, I may have already mentioned it, but I used to give conference presentations to licensed clinicians on how we may be vulnerable to acting out our family systems roles in the workplace (this applies to everybody), or, somehow find ourselves in the same (family) role. These systemic processes are unconscious, of course. This applies to any human group / organization / system.
thank you for your answer Rebecca. I’ve found myself in a really difficult position at work, through over responsibility and not reading manipulation, that’s only the start of it. Lovely to see that you are on the mend
I am SO glad I came across this video. I have not been able to work out why, when my mother died, my much loved brother (the golden child) started treating me as the scapegoat. He turned my whole family against me, I was totally shocked and couldn’t understand it. Now I understand. Thank you.
You're welcome, yet so sorry to hear it. I know this one well myself (when a parent lost mental faculties). Shocking can't even begin to describe it. Linking you to a resource list I put together in case you need additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Every bit of this video described my family system perfectly -- the survival strategies, the splitting, the under-the-rug sweeping to "just all get along," the shifting dynamics to maintain homeostasis after a parent's death... I can remember being scapegoated as early as age 5 or 6, when my sister shoved me and I cut the corner of my eye on the kitchen counter, resulting in my mother yelling at...me. I know the moment my narcissistic mother passed the baton to another sister two years ago, who has now taken up the blaming and shaming in her place, with other sisters tacitly going along. One of those sisters literally told me last week she didn't want to take sides in an argument between another sister and myself about MY marriage, as if the other sibling has any kind of valid opinion about whether or not I should have gotten divorced and what went on behind closed doors. (She is friends with my abusive ex and insists he's a "nice guy.") I like to say I grew up in the Twilight Zone because everything was so eerily off kilter. It would have been easier in some ways to have had overt abuse than the insidious abuse of neglect and our mother pitting siblings against each other. My father was the classic empathic codependent who was so cowed by my mother that his efforts to stand up for us had to be done in secret. Not surprisingly, my siblings are now throwing him under the bus too.
Completely understand about being friends with an abusive ex who is apparently a ‘nice guy’. My sister has not spoken to me since 2011 but when my marriage ended 2 years ago with my abusive ex husband walking out, she latched on to him and my only daughter who is 18 and they all sit around and slander me
@@Andrea-lp4bb I'm so sorry you have had to go through that too. Like with you, my sister and my ex collaborated to alienate my son (also 18 at the time) against me. And my family is mad at me for condemning the inappropriateness of this!
@@patriciasalem3606 I’m so terribly sorry to hear this. There seems to be a general theme worldwide that this happens. My Narc mother also joined in the efforts with my ex husband and sister. My daughter fell for it for around a year. She then became much more loyal to me around a year ago. But unfortunately went to a Tertiary Institution in 2022 where she had a tutor who was a vicious ex friend of mine. My ex husband had already got to this ex friend and her husband saying I had destroyed the marriage and not him. This tutor went on to develop a very intimate relationship with my daughter involving a lot of contact. I finally spoke up about it a month ago and also involved her Manager. The result of this has meant that my daughter has now turned on me again and sided with my ex husband and this ex tutor. I also think my mother contacted the ex tutor at the tertiary institution when my daughter was there in 2022. So now I’ve lost my daughter yet again and she has lashed out at me. My daughter has BPD. What a mess
@patriciasalem3606 You illustrate these dynamics so powerfully with your written expressions. Perfectly aligns with the points I hoped to stress in this particular video. Thank you.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for those kind words, Rebecca. And thank you for giving us this channel where we can learn, vent, and support others with similar experiences.
I’m currently dealing with this with my siblings. We have the same dad and they share a different mom than i do. We have all acknowledged that our dad is problematic and won’t change. He has emotionally and physically neglected me consistently from childhood until now, even repeating the behaviors with my children. They just want me to deal with his behavior because he is our dad, he won’t change, we have to honor him, etc. My spirit and soul are tired of accepting less than I know I deserve. I’m done abandoning myself, but they don’t or won’t get that. So we are estranged because they don’t like me choosing myself.
Thank you so much for this talk. It's healing and enpowering to have someone acknowledge scapegoat abuse, and the family dynamics involved. I have been in the scapegoat role in my family, and have spent most of my life 'hiding on the desert' believing that I should die, and carrying an overbearing load of family trauma. Your talk, confirms to me, that despite pressure to do otherwise, finally reclaiming my life, and walking away from my siblings, is right action for me. I can treat the grief involved in that decision as a kind of baptism, a washing clean, and finally be free to celebrate my existence. This talk has been very validating for me, so again, thank you. 💐🙏😊
I finally asked an uncle who has always been very friendly to me: What stories have YOU heard? because they're being told to my kids. Never heard from him again. He sent an effusive, friendly birthday greeting to my husband a few months later. My husband asked, "Did you get her question? What can you do about this?" Never heard from him again either.
I got straight A's, babysat for money and to be able to access TV, stayed at my friend's homes as much as possible, and I couldn't get a pat on the back for my efforts. Actually my Mom destroyed my 4 year college scholarship offer letter, and she was a psychologist that used her knowledge to do as much damage to me as possible.
My mother was murdered in 1976. I was the oldest of six children. When my parents got separated. I was fifteen yrs old. The oldest daughter. I lived at war with my mother. We physically fought. She would summon my younger brother to rescue her from my "bad temper". She beat the crap out of all three of my younger brothers and my younger sister. My father blamed me on for their separation. I look exactly like my mother. In 2003 my only child, my son William died. My brothers and sister have never called me to say - sorry for your loss. You must think - what the f did I do to merit this. It's a fair question. I can tell you - I'm far from perfect - I'm a junkie - I was Clean for twenty years - not once- nice job - good for you- doesn't matter. When I relapsed - My sister said it was only a matter of time.
Congratulations on 20 years of sobriety! Relapse is almost always a part of recovery. Your siblings are horrible people. Stop thinking about them and expecting anything from them. They have shown you who they are. Pour that energy into yourself and your recovery. You are worth it.
You have had to endure unimaginable pain and loss. I am deeply sorry for this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
11:27 this is spot on. I am apparently the world's most successful mentally unstable addict. In a career that regularly drug tests and requires intense background checks and polygraphs, it's amazing that according to my family I've been abusing drugs and stealing to feed my addictions this whole time. I guess I must have super powers to maintain a job with such intense scrutiny for nearly 20 years while being on drugs... I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear their narrative.
@talialisko8387 same exact story here. I had no idea it was possible to be addicted to drugs that you have never even touched before. In my case it got so bad that they actually called my local PD (Parents and Sibling live 2 hours away) and reported that I was "addicted" to meth, exhibiting "abnormal" behaviors. They informed the police that I had weapons in my home and that I had intended on hurting my children. As my wife and I are getting our kids ready to go out for Valentines day dinner on valentines NIGHT. The reality was, I was going through a fairly difficult time with my health and had caused a huge psoriasis flare up that covered 80% of my body specially effecting my face. I was diagnosed with psoriasis a 14years old........so its not like I was addicted then either. "abnormal behaviors" Were me confronting them about their abuse. I'd realized that what I experienced my entire life was abnormal, unhealthy and demoralizing and that it was effecting me more than what I had originally thought. I had let them gaslight me for MONTHS in effort to get them to understand how they were still negatively impacting not just my life, bu my children and my wife as well before what I coined their "Parting gift" to my wife and I. So heres to neither of us ever getting off the drugs or becoming mentally stable! We didn't choose the drugs.....the drugs chose us. You are not alone. Take care.
It is amazing what we "crazy," "emotionally ill" people can accomplish, isn't it? The fact we can succeed and do so well in both are personal and professional lives and yet are also bat-s$%t crazy at the same time is quite an amazing feat!
Thank you Rebecca! This Sibling Estrangement subject and financial abuse advocacy/defense were on my list of topics I was secretly hoping you would cover. I love the way you explain subject matter. For this specific subject, I like to watch and read Dr. Ali John Chaudhary and Fern Shumer.
Thanks for another great video - great to see you back and looking healthy. This video is very timely for me as my malignant narcissistic father just passed away. In the aftermath of his death, I have gone no contact with my narcissist siblings. My family has perpetuated the scapegoating narrative all my life but now I will be getting the truth out there about my sick and crooked narcissistic family.
My Mom’s lifeless body was still warm when my sister decided to take over our Mother’s role. As the black sheep, I was literally thrown out of her house 2 hours after her death because of her anger that I was present with our mother when she died. It’s terribly sick.
This type of event was reported by several respondents during my original FSA research years ago. I continue to receive such reports. I am very sorry this happened to you. Horrific.
Thank you so much for this video! I now have a complete understanding of my family dynamics. My mother passed away 12 years ago,, my father passed away recently. I have just one sibling, and he stepped into their roles treating me like the FSA. The rest of my extended family has as well. I have a big extended family, at my father's funeral only a few people gave me their condolences. It was definitely sole crushing.
I'm so very sorry. In case you're new here, you might take a look at a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you for explanation. I grew up in a scapegoat family. Isolation, anxity and all kind of bad feelings all my life. Hear you is like I'm not alone, someone understands what I've been passing through.
Many here will understand. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
The GC in my family has made it a point, for several decades, to demand explanations and apologies, and to pick fights, in front of an audience. ALWAYS in front of an audience, and always strategically in situations where i can't just walk away. Though i have offered every single time to discuss the matter with her privately, she has always refused. Her complaint is that she was "not included," and last time, it was specifically about when i went out with friends, as a teen. The whole thing struck me as absurd. How many teens drag along elementary school-aged siblings, when out with friends? In addition, she made a habit of lying, just to watch the older kids get yelled at for things we hadn't done (she would stand there and smirk). I learned that the only way to avoid that, was to avoid her. I have started every visit with the intention of getting along with everybody. The most recent incident was when the family traveled, (from different states), to celebrate the 90th birthday of a relative. I had driven almost 1000 miles to get there. We met up at the party venue, and my entire birth family got on an elevator. She waited for the elevator door to close, then immediately demanded an apology for "not being included." Her other favorite time to do this was when we were in her car with other family members, with HER driving, and when i was visiting them from out of town. I didn't know my way around the city, and the only way out of the situation would have been to get out of the car and call a cab. She will NOT get the apology, (if anyone owes an apology, it's her). This behavior strikes me as extremely calculated and, downright malicious. I have told her, every time, that this is inappropriate, and that we could discuss it privately, but no other family member has ever stepped up to tell her how out of line she is.
I discuss in one of my videos how certain family members can do just about anything and nobody says a peep - and they are often the GC (and sometimes the GC believes they are actually the scapegoat child). If the scapegoat child (SC) were to do the same behaviors, all hell would break loose. If someone DOES say something to the GC, it is typically the family 'truth-teller', who often ends up in the 'scapegoat' role in these dysfunctional (or narcissistic) family systems. I've worked with literally hundreds of families at this point in my career and the situation you describe is one I'm quite familiar with. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for your response, and yes - if i defend myself, they will either stay silent or jump on me, (all hell HAS broken loose over that. And i was the scapegoat). I try not to rock the boat, as i do want them in my life, but don't understand what motivates this repeated behavior. At other times, the GC can be nice.
My introductory book on FSA will help you understand these pathological processes - I discuss the Family Projective Identification Process which fuels scapegoating in dysfunctional (versus narcissistic) family systems. It's listed at the top of this resource page I put together for FSA adult survivors - I also may do a 2nd dedicated video on this this month. Search on my website for 'Projective Identification Process' - that will help you understand better in the meantime: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Rebecca, I'm so glad you're back. Your voice of reason is so valuable to us. I never thought of myself as a scapegoat as a child -- the youngest of five -- but due to a cascade of events in recent years, including the addition of an evil selfish narc marrying into our family and changing dynamics and creating competition, I am now in the scapegoat role, in my 50s. And just as you say, I had a close sister -- but after Mom died a year ago, this sister flipped on me. She even turned her children against me and the extended family of 30+ people is all screwed up. It's been devastating to me, as I have no children. I was very close to my nieces and nephews but that's all changed now. At least the other sister is on my side (my other two siblings are dead and their children are kind of stuck in the middle). As I've told you before, I should write a book. Again, I'm glad you're back. PS I read most of your book but had to take a break because it was too raw at the time to finish it.
Thank you - I'm very glad to be back on UA-cam connecting with you all here. You've given me a good idea for an article / video: How scapegoating dynamics or full-blown FSA can develop when a personality disordered person enters the family via marriage. Stay tuned...!
Im way over the negativity but i realize this has affected my judgement on some issues. Im glad your talking about this, so many doctors dont address this trauma enough.🤗💖
Rebecca, how can we ever get away from being told as children, little girl or little boy; 'you are ugly" "you are stupid" "no one likes you" "you ruined my life" "you are an imbecile" "this one" and then smearing me to my dad, sisters, the neighbor, grandparents, cousins. When my 3rd grade teacher taught us how to use the dictionary I asked her to spell imbecile and I looked it up. "IT" is never over, we just deal with it and we attract narcs our entire life because we really are fun, intelligent, lighthearted, etc. I got a Blink Doorbell camera b/c the 30 something neighbor is vandalizing my car and it helped me tremendously to see her for who she is and to my surprise it has also shown me what other ppl see when they see me and make some sense of it.
Your parent is projecting their own feelings about themself onto you, so they don't have to deal with it. Often, they were treated in a similar manner by their own parents, but they won't admit that to you. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with the hurt though. I am sorry you had to grow up that way.
I heard those same lies growing up, being insulted and broken down with my parents words, but they are lies and not the truth. My parent was just mean, unhappy, and projecting her sad existance onto me becuase misery loves company. I can see her for what she is, just a dark and lonely person. I chose to not be that way with my own child and I also build up my inner child every day. I also attracted narcisstic predators as well but now I live with a good man and have a good life. Hope is real.
What you wrote here indicates profound psycho-emotional abuse. In such cases, one may have Complex Trauma and this must be addressed. I discuss this in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, in detail. Linking you to a list of resources I put together in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Always pray for your enemies. In doing so u will heap burning coals on their head Their lives will be full of trouble and days will be cut short! 🙏 Matthew 10 Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. 22 You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 23 When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. 🕯️♥️🙏
The trauma and complex trauma after narcissistic abuse is profound. I have found working with clients and in my own life that EFT tapping has been a life saver to address early childhood trauma. I think the biggest thing to remember is that it is not our fault and the toxic shame can be worked through when we find someone who actually understands this issue. I feel those that don't understand it really can make it worse... this channel is excellent. Really appreciate you Rebecca!
Wonderful to have you here! I do believe I mentioned EFT as being helpful in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and in one or more of my articles. Glad this has been helpful for you. Intrigued by your UA-cam handle and how you are working with nutrition. Perhaps we can do a collaborative video together one day we can cross-promote!
Not only am I estranged from my siblings but they both have heavily influenced my daughter. I had a really difficult time raising her alone and her father was abusive. My daughter learned my parents and siblings abusive ways and cut me out of their lives. I don’t care if I never speak to my siblings ever again as I feel they are narcissistic but they took my daughter away from me . I also never got to know my niece and nephews. My family is so broken .
My siblings put a barrier between me and my kids for many years, but we have been able to transcend it because my kids see how horrible my siblings are...
Your story is extremely similar to mine. My only child has also been estranged from me for several years. My siblings and son in law reign supreme. I can’t see my four grandchildren. It’s horrific and u find I need to protect myself from triggers in order to survive. I’m 73 now and know that there has to be something better in the other side. God bless you.
Is this common to have parents and siblings undermine the relationship between you and your child? I thought I was the only one that it happened to and I took responsibility for failing as a parent
Thank you for these resources, I’ve spent my entire life so confused and wondering, it’s taken me going no contact with a narcissistic partner to realize the roles I’ve played in my narcissisticly dysfunctional family with a mother who physically abused myself and one other sibling. I left my ex last year in October and have spent the last few months grieving and recovering in ways I didn’t know were possible… a few days ago I had a spiritual break through which led to me finally starting to write the book that sibling and I have been talking about our entire adult lives… I have done this without the help of someone who has “the whole picture” (as I see it) and I am so grateful to have found your videos. They have confirmed my thoughts and my experiences in a way most educational videos have not and I am forever grateful to individuals such as yourself who share these thoughts and ideas as you are. I will continue to share your videos with people who may need them. Thank you, so much.
Very glad you're here. Here's a list of FSA adult survivor resources I put together in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I knew even as a child that Cinderella is my story and I always identified with it, even though the sister was my own blood sister and the mother was my own real mother, yet I was treated as an untouchable, the pretty one that everyone was jealous of, just for being born. I would outlive them all and not have to bury my dreams, so they wouldn't make fun of them. I went no contact and it worked and I did outlive all of them, after they refused to let me have any of the relatives as my family, too. As long as there is Gd, I am never alone and I'm living my dream. I discovered your Channel today at age 77 and it sure is a comfort. You are the pretty one Rebecca and they hate you for it. ( I also had gallbladder disease and 44 years ago a Mexican friend told me to take a tablespoon of olive oil first thing every morning. Thank Gd, from then on, it never bothered me, no matter what I ate. The surgeon wanted to take out my gallbladder while I was pregnant with my first child. No waaay!) I am now happy in Israel, the fifth happiest country in the world❤😊
Lovely to meet you here, Carol, and thank you for sharing a bit of your FSA story with us. "Untouchable" - Yes, it really can feel that way. My gallbladder kicked the bucket, was necrotic, would have had septic event without removal, and it was attached to all kinds of things it should not have been due to inflammation (hence the horrendous pain I had during attacks). I'm very glad I had it taken out but I think it is wonderful you saved yours while pregnant - I know gb attacks can happen in pregnancy and many women do feel they can avoid removal - and are often successful at saving it, as you were. Linking you to a list of resources in case you'd like extra support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
You just described my family dynamic so precisely, I am absolutely amazed. One of my scapegoating parents has already died, the other is now old and infirm. My golden child sibling was seriously ill recently, and the whole family dynamic played out just how you described here 😮
Glad you're here. Here's a resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors for additional support and education ideas: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you so much, Dr. Mandeville for another informative and very validating video! Around 22:30, you said something that really resonated with me: "To know what we are trying to heal, we need to understand the wound and where it came from." The more I have tried to understand, educate (as compassionately as possible) and heal the dysfunction in my family, (even before I understood I was the scapegoat and all of the language and education I learned from you), the more I was punished (scapegoated) for it. It got so bad that I had no choice but to cut contact. The complicit members of FSA have an intrinsic and vested interest in not understanding. In my lived experience, they are far more comfortable feeding their own delusions surrounding all of this and keeping their heads in the sand. And, for me, it's this indifference that has been, by far, the most excruciatingly painful - even more than the abuse of scapegoating itself. I hope your healing journey is going well and thanks again for continuing to put out these videos when you can. Also, I have finished reading your book and it was amazing (5 out of 5 stars)! It might sound a little far fetched but you have honestly helped to save my life. The validation and education I have received from you has been invaluable to my healing journey. I am so grateful for you and all the work you have done and continue to do 💗
Thank you for this lovely message - I'm so glad my work on FSA has been helpful and I appreciate your 5/5 star on my book. Not sure if you have this resource list I put together but here it is again, just in case: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Glad I ran across your video today. It seems you are well versed on the Scapegoat dynamics within the supremely dysfunctional family system. I recently turned 70 and I find my appointed “Scapegoat” identity to be everlasting and building over the years, despite many years of counseling, therapy, reading self-help books, video tapes, etc. I realize that my defenses are continuously up in order to protect me from further harm. Problem is that I now find myself in a worse position than before because this ran its course in my immediate family, then with my siblings (only 1 out of 7 will speak to me), and, finally, my 4 children and I argued during Mother’s Day and I feel like an estranged mother. I feel completely and utterly alone knowing that they care so little about having me in their lives.
I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you're here and hope you find something of comfort or value in my video offerings. New video coming out in a few hours. Linking you to my resource list for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I can relate to this. Three sisters in three countries who have in one case not spoken since 2011, and in the second case the last contact was in 2017. The most recent one will not accept emails or any contact, and it is the same with my 2011 sister. One of us is in the UK, the second in Canada, and third is in FL, USA. When my mother passed in 2008 everything changed. We are all three completely disconnected as if we never knew each other.
This is one of your best posts to date in my opinion. Thank you so much for addressing this topic. It perfectly describes what I have been living through with my family of origin (FOO). It is heartbreaking to "lose" siblings this way, and I have been wondering what to expect when my last remaining parent dies. I think I now know and can adjust my expectations accordingly. My FOO has always been characterized by conflict avoidance/ passive-aggressive behaviour, so denial and refusing to take sides is the modus operandi of my sibs. As you say, silence = complicity and I have always felt this way. I finally feel affirmed in this belief. Keep up your excellent work and thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your book.
This was brilliantly explained - especially the generational or ancestral trauma and the scapegoat carrying this load. Certainly a heavy load. Greatly appreciated this message today while sorting through 🙏
Rebecca, I am sending you so much LOVE right now! The first time I saw one of your videos and realized that I'm not alone and this is an actual thing, I balled my eyes out. I watched more videos, bought and read your book and then I could lay it all aside and live in peace. I haven't thought about it much since. When this video showed up, I let it sit feeling like I didn't want to drum up those feelings. Today I watched and it was good, I can see it all so clearly without any internal (sadness, grief, anger, bitterness) I feel so much healing has taken place and I am so thankful for you! I can live in peace sending love to those who hurt me. I don't need or want those relationships back, I am joyful and fulfilled in my life now! THANK YOU!🌺🌼🌷🏵
Thank you for letting me - and other FSA adult survivors here - know that 'radical acceptance' and joy on the other side of this type of systemic abuse is possible, as described in a few videos here and in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). I celebrate your journey and where it is taking you!
Dr M your book has been a lifesaver! There were finally names for my mental health issues! Part of my issues stemmed from being told I was making everything up. Which caused me to feel the need to always prove myself like a defense attorney prepping for trial. One of the more disappointing things after my malignant narcissist mother’s death was the realization that nothing had changed. Nobody saw me differently than they had before. I was stuck in that role and always will be. The thing about NC is; they no longer have me around to blame when the SHTF.
As a very small child I would often "ask" God (as I understood something higher) why on earth He/She put me there and what was I expected to do. I wish I had gotten a reply to hang on for dear life then run like hell as soon as I was able. Unfortunately, I was loyal to a fault. No more!
I can heavily relate to this my siblings position would go like this: Father - Enabler Parent/ Covert Narcissist Mother - Narcissistic Parent/ Overt Narcissist Sister - Former Scapegoat Child/ Lost Child Brother - Golden Child Brother - Lost Child Me - Scapegoat Child I would say in my early years I had behavioral issues due to the scapegoating I received through out my life from my mother and my siblings along with family members. Around the age of 9 years old I overheard my sister and brother talking bad about me with my mom and now I realize why they treat me like crap is because of my mom I hate her with a passion. Also I like to add that she had me go on SSI so that she can get extra money through me while I can never be financially independent and she would use my tax money for herself if that’s not a narcissistic parent than I don’t know what is. I plan on finally going no contact when I eventually move out. Current day I found someone that treats me the way I should have been treated along time ago she’s my girlfriend who is also a scapegoat in her family as well so we bond together and understand we went through the same thing I love her so much and can’t wait to spend my life with her.
Thank you for this insightful comment. Linking you to a list of resources I put together in case you are in need of additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you. I am a mess. 5 siblings who ignore me. I am the youngest of six. I was beaten by them and both parents. I am only 98lbs. and I am 60. I have been serching for a CPTSDtherapist but it is such a new diagnoses, not many therapists are trained to help..😢
I watched: Crappy Childhood Fairy when I first started coming out of the CPTSD fog. There are so many great youtube therapists now. Others that have helped me are: Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani, Les Carter, etc. Hope this helps. You can do this!
@KOOLBadger you might use the search function on Dr. Janina Fisher's website to find a trauma-informed therapist, it is linked on this list of resources I created for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you to the moon! Life is so hard and does not need to be. Im too old to be fighting my mind anymore..🥹 God bless you for this info.🫂
Today I came across your channel, thank you so much and also thank you for all the comments available to read. I am the scapegoat child although 62 now. I still hurt with all the untruths said about me. Rejected by my 5 siblings and now even aunties and uncles. Targeted also towards my own grown now children and grandchildren. Some so called families humans can be and continue to be so cruel.. but hurting my children and grandchildren took this to a whole different cruel level for me 😢😢
You're very welcome. It is often the case that the scapegoated adult survivor is incapable of setting boundaries to protect themselves for various reasons; but when they see their parents / other family members scapegoating their children, they can then take action to protect their child from this type of systemic/family abuse (FSA).
Thanks, Nancy. What I endured was over-the-top (physically) painful, but I am in a much better place now, on all levels, so ultimately I am very glad it happened!
I could see it so clearly, the scapegoating behaviour transferred from my parents to my only sibling, older brother as adults and you have named it now! The level of abuse was extraordinary, no contact and I had to let go of all mutual friends that have engaged with his bull. Very shocking and hard, however these people are not my friends. Why would you listen to that toxic sh*8t. I had to build my life back up, but it’s on my terms now.
Thank you so much for this. Very useful explanation! The sibling who will take on the parent's role (of scapegoating) after their death explains a lot of why the abuse doesn't stop with the death of the abusive parent. What a "legacy" to leave behind (not). BTW I have finished reading your book and it was very enlightening. It's a keeper, to read again and again.
Your book was incredible to telling my childhood home . I said so many times…. “ did someone have cameras in my childhood home? This is my world - how is it so accurate!!”
You're welcome. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
So interesting! I felt this dynamic intuitively so opted out of my unhealthy family years ago. My Mother was the scapegoat and I was the golden child - as dubbed by my narcissist grandmother. When my Mother was diagnosed with alzheimers - the tables turned and I became the new scapegoat. I decided to look after myself & my Mum so managed all contact with them. I then watched from a distance while the family tried to find a new scapegoat. When my grandmother died - the family imploded and none of the siblings speak to each other now. It’s incredibly sad not to have a family but I stay away to keep myself emotionally safe.
These sorts of intense 'splits', rigid roles, role replacement, etc, heighten in severity the more dysfunctional (or narcissistic) a family system is. When one can see an avalanche coming, one is wise to move far away. And, you did.
Dr Mandeville, you have described my family dynamics so accurately it's as though you have a crystal ball. Since the age of 5 or 6, my mother bitched about me to my younger brother (and others) very very insidiously, far enough not to be noticed but close enough to hear. It was so subtle that a child wouldn't be able to understand it intellectually and be able to defend herself, but still absorbs it on a subconscious level. For 40 years I believed her narrative, until I discovered were her traits, not mine. She's no longer here but my brother is well groomed into his role as a cult leader now. The flying monkeys have also transferred their loyalty to this new leader. I freed myself by ceasing to hope, and focus on my own healing instead. That's the only way forward as scapegoats. I made that decision when i came to realise that after a whole life spent on protecting everyone, when i needed support at my lowest point, nobody cared. Thank you for your videos.
I could have written this myself, about myself. Likely why it seems to you that I have a crystal ball (!) Thanks for leaving such an insightful comment - you describe the insidious nature of FSA so well. You know it if you lived it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Also, thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to me. Your generosity and kindness are very meaningful to me. I've bought your e-book, and I'm almost at the end. Looking forward to my "next step"! You have a lovely weekend, yeah.
Thank you. This is a fantastic video. I feel a sense of relief listening to you. I feel understood and acknowledged. My mother enjoyed humiliating me in front of others, including a friend (flatmate), who I happened to invite to meet my mum. I lost that friendship because she (the friend) refused to see my mother as anything other than sweet and funny. I no longer introduced people to my mother. When my mother died, I felt nothing and still feel nothing.
I’m 44 living in the golden child’s (sister) house, 2+ yrs stuck in a waking nightmare. It’s literally killing me & I’ve got no one & no where to go. Even my teen son & preteen nephews now treat me with contempt & callousness. My alcoholic dad keeps trying to have me hospitalized (psychiatric). I only wish I could go back in time to keep my sweet boy far away from this incredibly sick family or somehow undo the damage done in his last few yrs of childhood in this house. All I ever wanted is to give him what he needs to have a fulfilled life with healthy relationships.
Live in your car Go get therapy Find what brings you happiness And do it Sleep well Eat healthy Exercise Meditation Music Sing Walk Dance Write a gratitude journal
So sorry to hear this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case something looks helpful: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
You’re not alone. I am absolutely trapped in a very toxic situation as well. Nowhere else to go. It’s either here or homeless at this point. But it is like living in a nightmare for me as well. Hang in there!
Finally a name to what I’ve gone through, than you! My mother was the epitome of a gas lighter. My oldest sister was the “golden child” and I was the “scapegoat” even still at 59 years old. The worst part is the denial and lies my mother and sister told. I compare my parents to Jezebel and Ahab. My father went along with all the dirty deeds my mother did to me Best advice is to cut these people off completely. I’ve learned the hard way after multiple attempts to reconcile. I miss having a family, just not the one I was born into. So sad…
"I don't want to open a can of worms",in reference to let's all call out the flying monkey that physically attacked me. Hmmm,so I ain't even worth a can of worms,huh? Funny,never stopped you from opening a can to start trouble for me. So toxic,love this channel
@stingylizard I'll be doing a video down the road making it clear that FSA can - and at times does - include physical abuse / assaults (I do mention this in my book, 'RSB'). Siblings getting assaulted by a brother or sister and no one is willing to acknowledge that this is 1) abuse and 2) a serious violation that the entire family is responsible for addressing - and stopping.
Thank you for addressing this subject, no one else has so deeply. I'm in tears, I've always known since I was a kid there were weird dynamics amongst me and my siblings. I'm the eldest of 7, with barely a year between each of us. There was a lot of competition for everything, attention, toys, recognition, time. My parent pretty much divided us into two groups, good and in-trouble. We endured torture as scapegoats. Physical, emotional, things no child should endure. As we grew my mother would make siblings complicit in our punishment, by forcing them to spy and report to parents, follow each other to report back to parents, just generally set us up to compete on a insane level. Someone was always in trouble, usually more of a group. So we had the kids being punished for some minor slight of rules being forced to sit in a corner for a day, not allowed food, drink or bathroom, beatings, and restrictions on all activities versus the good children whom were allowed a that we were not. Unsurprisingly of the 4 living siblings, none of is are close to eachother, two have no contact with anyone. I don't want to fix it, just me.
There are so many tragic elements to this form of abuse (what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA); glad you're here. Here's a resource list in case you would like additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
After my narc mom died I was left out of the will by my narc sister…I get the silence treat for 4 years now from her. She gave the stepbrothers a part of the will and accused me of sexual abusing my sisters son(???) there is a big difference between affection and sexual abuse. But my sister does a nasty smearcampaing behind my back.
Sorry to hear it. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am 62 years old and I am still experiencing this. It started in my childhood and continued with my siblings and now with my nephews. It is worse and worse, I pray to God to help me get out of it.
So very sorry to hear this. Linking you to my FSA survivor list in case you are wanting additional support or education on this form of abuse: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I am so glad I found you - In this video you have told my life story. You are absolutely accurate in every point. Thank You!!
You are spot on! It's been horrible. Does this book include ways, techniques etc, to address and recover and heal from the scapegoating experience? Thank you
Are you a practicing therapist currently? Would I be able to be a client in your private practice? I would like to. Please let me know. Thank you
If one tells you they don’t want to “take sides” it means they’ve already taken a side and it’s not yours.
Profound statement.
I told my brother to get off the fence, he said I can't that is just me, no he is a coward
@@StarlightPrincess70totally
SO true...and it is the maggots THEY are afraid of...because THEY are crazy and probably also on drugs or are raging alcoholics..my good brother stays sway from all of us...his ex-wife and surviving son torture him they are JUST like my crazy mother.
So when my "sisters' STOLE EVERYTHING..
The evil brother was doing well and did not want to be bothered.( he is also a high functioning raging alcoholic who raped me while drunk when we were teens ..I was for Ed to sleep in living room by my "sisters" because I had left for 7 months to live with my aunt when my "mother" beat me so badly I finally rebelled..
For 7 months I was not there to be the family slave..
My good brother was tricked by my crooked lawyer "sister*..that I was crazy and lying...
He did not ever know me to be crazy or a list..BUT HE IS AFRAID OF MY SISTERS WITH
GOOD REASON.
This or they are neutral
The people who abuse and the people who ignore the abuse are THE SAME!!!!!
Yes. They're wimpy.
Well thanks? What would you do differently? You would stay away from mean spirited people if they weren’t related? Why, be around people that demean you, no matter how related they are.
WTF do you do? Up for advice! Have the best day ever!
True
Abusers and bystanders are the same.
I've found it much easier and faster to heal from the incapacitation of someone due to dementia, or even to recover from losing someone through death, than in trying to understand why a sibling would choose to demonize without cause another sibling all the way into their old age and to the grave.
My experience has demonstrated that even going no contact with siblings and a narcissistic mother, and living in a foreign country far from my original home, still has not diminished the abusive nature of the dysfunction family. At 56 years old and 25 years out of my family system, I still hear of my scapegoat position through extended family and of common friends. It's quite amazing actually.
Same here. My brother wants me to txt my sister who did wrong by me, i said no, and he said it's family. I've had 50 odd years off being a scapegoat, it's lonely and sad, but it's the way it has to be.
I’m 57 and I’m the scaegoat too. Two younger male siblings. We don’t speak. Apparently all the problems in the family are my fault and I need in patient psychiatric help. Ya. Ok.
Yep. And one sibling will reply "I don't remember" or " That never happened, you must have dreamed it." 🤬
@ladyluck5248 It's good to have a name for it now, I always knew I was treated differently, and everything is my fault, like with you. I only have a younger brother and 3 older sisters. My brother sits on the fence he likes to be friendly with us all, but he is pushing me to patch things up with them. Why should I? They will just do it again. It's sad we have to cut contact
@sharonthompson672 In my case, they say they did nothing wrong when anyone from outside can see they did.
Hey scapegoat here!
Best thing i did was say goodbye to the toxic family 10 years ago.
They're all living happily in the massive lie they tell themselves. It's fascinating more than anything. I've been through the grief and pain and wonder
I focus on myself and the beautiful people that love and support me. They've helped me learn to love myself and that in turn has shown me how to love ♥ same with work and friendships. Say no to toxic people and walk away. We got this :)
I did the same thing. Freedom from the toxicity is the best gift you can give yourself. Worth the work!
Me too
The worst thing about being the scapegoat is that you have developed patterns of interaction with other people. I have trouble with social interactions because I instinctually look at everyone as a threat. It’s hard to change but I want a more meaningful life experience. I have isolated for most of my life. I’m trying something different for a change.
Many here will understand this coping strategy, including me. Group interactions can be particularly difficult for FSA adult survivors. I believe you have my resource list already, but if not, let me know and I'll link you to it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have it and I am working through it. I’m really making strides and I’m catching myself when I use old thinking. I feel good about opening up to people. It used to be that I would say to myself, oh this person can tell I’m not up to par but I understand that those thoughts were just me carrying around the labels and preemptively avoiding interaction. It took me awhile to get that as loud as those voices were in my own head, the other person doesn’t hear them. I got those thoughts down to a faint whisper which I easily can overcome by doing the unusual for me. I take the first step and initiate conversation. 👍🏻
That is wonderful to hear. The FSA recovery affirmations I created that I link to in the resource list will also support your intentions, in case you haven't checked that playlist out yet.
You are not alone. This impacts every human encounter in our lives. It influences our job choices and job satisfaction, whether we marry, if we make friends, etc. ❤
@@Kitty-ov7ds yes. I have lived it for a long time but I’m finally getting clear of the feelings of inadequacy that have plagued me for years.
When I was diagnosed (later discovered I was misdiagnosed) with bipolar, my brother’s response to me was “that explains a lot”. My husband also told me that when he asked for my dad’s hand and marriage my dad asked him if he was sure. I have come to see through my healing that these statements were part of the family mythology that I am flawed and mentally, unwell and difficult to love.
Yes. I call this the 'scapegoat narrative' that supports family scapegoating dynamics and at times, flat-out abuse. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Allegedly "You be CWAZY and need HEEeeelp" screams the maniac sibling at you...their MINI-ME: ua-cam.com/video/EuWMcl0bhu4/v-deo.htmlsi=gitDYRVp1Hz5u7Nd
I was always the scapegoat. My older brother, the golden child, committed suicide 10 years ago. My younger sister, now the golden child, has estranged from me for 14 years. My dad is emotionally constipated and hasn't been a father to me ever. My mother is a very toxic narcissist and has smeared campaigned me my whole life. I stay away. The damage it's all caused me throughout my life has been baffling.
I feel your pain. ❤️
I'm so very sorry to hear it. It is a very baffling systemic phenomenon, indeed, which is why I researched on this for so many years and released my introductory book on FSA a few years ago. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
i am sorry . I found it very difficult to learn to love myself enough to live a happy life. Fight just for yourself now.
I decided my previous response was inadequate. What I should have said is my sincere sympathies. My husband died by suicide 13 years ago - my FOO got to him. It was and still is devastating. Take heart ❤️.
hugs, I understand
I’m 69 years old and am the family scapegoat. I’m #2 of four children. All shame and hate was placed upon me. Mom was the perpetrator. Dad tried to be my defender. He died in 1981. 11 or 12 years ago, after an egregious betrayal by my Mom I finally walked away and went no contact. Best thing I ever did. Then 8years and 8 months ago I further “insulted “ the family dynamic and system by getting sober and staying sober. So much more I’d like to say! I’m glad I got out.
I have a similar story.
I was my family scapegoat, and was brutally physically abused by my mother. I became a people pleaser, and tried to “buy” my sibling’s affection by giving them money for more than twenty years. They were bottomless pits, asking for more and more, with no regard for my needs. When my husband passed away in 2011, they demanded my life insurance money (which was not a large amount), and I finally went no contact with them. I just found your channel, and I am going to order your book. Thank you.
This sounds like my story, I give you strenght ❤️
I was the scapegoat, my sister was the golden child. When I was 46 my goldenchild sister and my mother (75 years old) molested me because I put my boundary.
Did you also see dr Ramani with her book “it’s not you”?
I see you like dogs 😍, me too. I have 3 myself, better than humans
OMG...thats a bad one. Whew.
Demanded your life insurance money? My family just bad mouths me about it - like I received an undeserved windfall. Don’t people get it? We are alone, typically past full time working years and grieving. Life is tough for widows.
My parents are turning 80 this year, and my 2 middle siblings seem to be vying to take over-including maintaining the narrative that I am “crazy.” It’s quite baffling. I appreciate this video addressing this dysfunctional family dynamic.
Common stuff when an inheritance is on the line!
When there is no inheritance to be had, the kids will either not be there at all or there will be close to zero such drama... one or the other.
Oh, no inheritance on the line in my family. I am baffled by their motivation. They both were promoted to manager positions, so it might be a simple as them flexing their narcissistic bully muscles outside the workplace. But I haven't talk to them in 6 years.@@safeeffective385
@@safeeffective385 Oh yes! The vultures are circling.
It is amazing that most family members will never give up the narrative of blaming the scapegoat. It's horrifying but less so when you finally leave the vipers' nest behind and can look back without fear of the fangs. It's cultish, for sure, with the narcissistic parent or parents leading the way. If you don't buy in, you're not welcome in the cult. I'm starting to realize that's not a bad thing.
It does hurt when some people you loved believe the false narrative about you but you're not in control of that. It's up to every adult to be logical and suspicious of smear campaigns. Letting go of people who don't love you enough to defend you when you're attacked is okay and right.
@SkyCloud99-bk9xv Yeah, it seems like my siblings have been treating my parents like children. But that's what they always wanted when they parentified me, so, not my problem.
My oldest brother was scapegoated terribly by my parents. We were 16 years apart in age and my earliest memories of him were surrounded by very critical and negative narratives. He died at age 62, an emotionally fractured human being. Our mother outlived him, and after he was dead, she blamed my father for preferring my second oldest brother over the him, though she fostered the negativity just as much as my father.
I removed myself from them when I was in my twenties, and at 60, am still unpacking and dealing with the mess that made up the dynamics of my family.
A profound and tragic example of what I call 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). It is realities like these that fuel my sense of purpose on promoting awareness on this form of insidious, systemic abuse. Your family dynamics remind me a bit of the movie 'Ordinary People', btw, in case you want to check it out, although it may be emotionally activating. Linking you to a list of survivor resources I created as well: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
❤🩹
Your brother was very blessed you acknowledge, saw and empathized.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusei am glad you explained FSA as Family Scapegoat Abuse. I have been thinking you meant family sexual abuse. Of course, there's some overlap there, I can verify that.
The destruction of my relationships with my siblings is what I am the most angry about. Even as adults, some dynamics are so strong, you can't get them to see around it. 😭
Yes- this is the one that has thrown me.
I blame my siblings. There is nothing stopping them from picking up the phone, calling me, and saying “is this true?” I was in a bad car accident 4 years ago, and that was like a “gloves off” moment for them to kick me when I was down. I wish I knew how to write a stand up comedy skit about it!
You can! Record your narrative and talk in front of the mirror. Peppered with sarcasm & "the jokes on me, 🤨" haha! People will laugh at how true & so ridiculous you have to laugh as you shake your head in disbelief! So do they & meanwhile you're opening their eyes!
@@christinetebedo8352 That's a good idea! Thank you.
I feel that! So much disappointment in what could have been. It hurts my heart
Has anyone had their siblings covertly sabotage you in any way such as jobs, education, friends, inheritance? My siblings have been sabotaging me my whole life but I finally got away 9 years ago.
Yes.
This did come up in my original FSA research. Also, parents sabotaging their children / adult children or demeaning their successes (as discussed on my 'Bizarre Realities' video here).
yes
Yes especially inheritance sabotage
You are not alone 🥺💓💓
10:54 i’ve told my sister so many times that I don’t understand why she treats me with such disrespect and disdain when every where else in the world, I am treated with respect and admiration. I knew it was her not me yet. Yet, I still felt the need to impress her and to gain her acceptance. She is the golden child. I am the scapegoat. The same applied to my family. At every family gathering they all seem to treat me like I was leprous and make me the brunt of every family joke, despite that, I became more successful than all of them and tried over and over again to gain their acceptance.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s so painful and takes so much to give up- because you do have to.
Rebecca's wisdom is like a warm hug on a cold winter's day from your safe person! Thank you!
Love that! Perhaps part of it for us FSA adult survivors is becoming the person we needed when we were young...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Amen! There is hope for us 🩷
Sending love, strength and hope to anyone who has been victimised by these abusive, lying, greedy, manipulative, jealous , spiteful creatures. Hold on to your gentle open hearts and leave them to drown in their vile little lives. Leave and never look back.
YES. THANK YOU.
The scapegoat is the lucky one everyone else has been sheepled into a toxic relationship trauma bonded to a cult. The escaping goat gets their freedom
Thank you for your comment. I love your use of the word "sheepled." That word fits people in my family perfectly. I think my freedom and hard-won insight as a survivor of FSA is a strange and wonderful treasure . By saying that, I don't mean to minimize the pain of the ordeal.
Yeah the way that I look at it is similar. In some big ways we are the lucky ones because things get so bad a lot of us end up in mental health and addiction services where we get to engage with therapeutic learning about boundaries and abuse and trauma. It can take decades and decades as it has in my case But I have figured out at least what has happened and some idea of how to manage.
They will remain locked in and stuck.
Amen thank you God 🙏
I was raised in Mormonism ( many speak of as a cult). So, my family use this manipulation. If I’m not obedient to their will “ you will not be sealed forever with us as a family in heaven.” Major eye roll here! Omg! How can they think I’d want to be with them forever! Egads! I have had enough trouble with them on earth! I’ve had to come right out snd say “ I don’t want to be sealed to you!”
Yes, often even while we do suffer more, we can see our way out of the system and into something much better.
Not just family, but it's almost like you've been marked and "other" people can sniff it out and then you're in "it" again. Strange to say the least! And lonely, too.
I did a video on this quite awhile ago, using the analogy of being energetically 'tarred and feathered'. It may be in this one, not sure: ua-cam.com/video/dwfEjNcOOFY/v-deo.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you.
So true sometimes. It has gotten better for me. But it still creeps in from time to time
Yes. Been there.
I got estranged at 40. I am 46 now. My father who was dying told my family to estrange me. He wrote me out of the will and i was confused as to why. I found out about estrangement and I decided to change my last and middle name and moved on. I did have sadness and depression for a few years after but once I knew it wasnt my fault I was able to reocver and move on.
Heartbreaking. Moving on is not so easy after these types of betrayal - I commend you for it.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse my grandiose malignant narcissist father began to shun me 20 years ago , my siblings followed his lead in past 8 years. I have no one to speak with in Galapagos Islands. Gracias
Wow. Congratulations. That’s so smart!
This story of my life… after my narcissistic mother died, everything changed. Any hatred my brother had for my mother was now projected on me. I was suddenly uninvited to family events… blamed for my divorce despite my husband ‘s criminal behavior and the threat of me going to jail. Unreal and crazy!!
It really is. Very sorry this happened to you.
You were very lucky you were only threatened about going to jail. I was actually put in jail, and I kept telling the corrupt San Jose cop that I am the victim. I had my hospital records and the police report to prove it, but was still put in jail. After 72 hours, the bogus charges against me were dropped. The ultra highly processed jail food made me so sick. 😢 A month later I still have stomach problems from the toxic food I was fed. Constant stomach pain, so much intestinal pain. I complain to our Almighty Creator, and I'm so tired. I sleep 12 to 15 hours daily. I desperately need an attorney to open a case against the corrupt San Jose cops, and the corrupt judge at Family Court, Dept. 66.
@AlmaWells If you can, find a doctor or naturopath who can test you for Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) - that may be what you have from toxic food. It can cause severe gastric distress. So sorry this happened!
@@AlmaWellsThat sounds awful... a natural way to re-establish good gut bacteria is cultured foods, apple cider vinegar & natural yoghurt ❤
That happened to me l took the place of our mother in his mind Generally he did not like women and was awful to all his partners and his children plus mine when he had the opportunity
My first thought is that it is one of the most beautiful things in life to see someone who has lived the brutal life experience of family scapegoat, survived, and moved on to so expertly guide others who are surviving the experience. What a beautiful soul you are Rebecca! You lead the rest of us with seeing how we have had to survive the machinations of "family" who have tried so hard to destroy us. For me, I have no siblings who care nor who reach out. So I expect their indifference will continue even after the death of the last of two parents (95 yr old abusive mother). All I have for hope now is to battle like hell that the false narrative is not blindly passed on to the next generation. I believe it is definitely divine intervention that you exist at this time to expose these relationship crimes. Thank you once again Rebecca ❤
❤️🩹
@pamb8797 This is a comment I shall remember and cherish. Thank you.
Love your first thought.
Very well said. That's exactly how I was feeling with tears in my eyes as I listened to this amazingly caring woman describe and explain my entire life.
So eloquently said. My gratitude to Rebecca.
My nuclear and extended family openly referred to me as the "blacksheep" of the family at a very young age. As my moms first born she projected her self loathing onto me. I was 3 when my sister entered our closed family, dad away on business for months at a time. I did my best to protect her from our mothers cruelty. Parentified at age 8, latchkey kids, making supper, putting ourselves to bed. My mom is not dead yet, but sis has jumped into that narrative of how awful I am. It is soul shattering. Im full no contact with sis, low low contact with mom (she has not seen where I live in 8 years, Ive moved 4 times). Just turned 57. Began researching narcissism and abuse in 2018. Was shocked to see it ALL around me. Every relationship. I had to isolate to get my bearings. Now im stuck in anger. I have no desire for reconciliation or forgiveness. How do I open my heart again?
One baby step at a time friend, one baby step at a time. Step one: ask your adult self what do I love doing? And go do it. 👍 Because there's no one to tell you you can't. 🌞☕👍🙂 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Forgive them bless them pray for them
I don't know because I am asking myself the same question. I hope in time we both find a way. ☮️❤️
It's a hard road for sure, but distance and separation is such a good thing, removing yourself from such toxicity. Forgiveness never means they were right, it sets us free, God bless you. His love in our hearts is the greatest we can ever know and empowers our freedom 😊!
To add to the others... I learned a very valuable concept from a very wise man in education early in my homeschooling journey. He said that you can't extract from the mind if nothing has first been put in. The example he gave was with writing composition. He said that children cannot be expected to write stories if they have no experience from which to draw. That is why, he says, it is so important for young children to play and be read to, especially good literature - for the purpose of filling up the mind with good stories (and proper English and syntax) and their own experiences of discovery through play. Only then will children be able to wrote their own stories.
I think the same is true with healing from family scapegoat abuse. In the beginning, the only set of experiences we have to draw from are negative and wrong and they illicit anger and pain. First, we have to empty out a bit by going no-contact. No-contact stops most of the negative flow. I think we have to be careful here because too much idle time can stir up too much anger and resentment and that is not good for us. So then it is time to fill ourselves with the good and true. Reading good literature, reading the Bible, finding a sound church community, listening to beautiful music, learning to enjoy nature; it is time to fill ourselves up with the good and the beautiful and remember to be grateful that we have the opportunity to live a new life as our real selves. In essence, this is a time to observe and soak in goodness. And THEN our hearts will be ready to accept the right kind of relationships.
In short: stop the negative energy flow, fill up with beauty and goodness, then share it with the world. 😊
You are so right on! Thank you! In my scapegoating family narrative, I am the most stupid, mentally ill, and immoral person who has ever lived. And as if that were not enough, I am ugly, too!
Hey I gotcha beat. My family says I'm all that PLUS it's no wonder no one likes me!
@@JodyFidelisit’s so ridiculous- they share their lines worldwide.
They only pick on gentle, kind and loving souls. Their lies, spite, greed and cruelty will be a mystery to you - none of it's in your nature. Therefore, don't fall for their jealous narrative - you are a being of light and love, beautiful, kind and big hearted. Get far away from them if possible and leave the past behind. In your memory bank, delete them and find true friends who enrich your life. I truly believe they have demons pulling their strings....
Hi peachy pie. You’re right- I just read the other day that they pick on the empath of the family. The sensitive soul. Thanks for understanding! 🌺💜🌸💟🌷🌻
I can still hear in my mind my narc mother's angry voice shouting that nobody will ever love me because of my awful character, she repeated that so many times that I started to believe her. I remember the pain, the shock and me continuously asking my friends what their opinion of me was, to find out what was so wrong in me that I couldn't see and hopefully change that disgusting aspect of myself that was so irritating to my "loving" and perfect mother and made me feel unlovable.
Holy moly, you really nailed it with the consequence of a narcissistic parent (s)dying and then a sibling taking the role of them… I had no idea what happened. I just knew things had shifted and once again the toxicity continued flowing heavy…and shifted-then the brother, who played the major scapegoat died and I was put in his role -truly fascinating how the dynamics played out -no contact was the only way and is the only way toxic behavior from the entire narcissistic alcohol induced mess of a family-thank you for this quite informative video
You're very welcome. And this can happen in family systems that are traumatized and dysfunctional, not just narcissistic, as well. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I can totally relate to all of this. My older sibling was an active participant of the FSA for over 50 years. She is the golden child and was in charge of everything - power of attorney, executor etc. for my mother. She attacked me verbally at my mother's funeral (just when I was hoping it was all over). I have gone non contact but she is communicating with people around me and running a smear campaign (for more than 12 months now). Oh, and she told me and has been telling just about everyone that my father was not actually my biological father. It's been a bit rough. Still, at least I have a better understanding of the dynamics now. Thank you for that. But you are right that people do not recognise when someone is being emotionally abused by this type of system. Very few people can understand.
Yes. Hence my commitment to researching on this form of systemic (family) abuse and giving it a name.
From woman to woman, you always look great. I love the warm and friendly energy you radiate.💙🦋
I appreciate that, thank you.
Thank you so much it’s helped me enormously..
Thank you for putting this experience into words. My brothers had already followed my parents’ lead by the time they were ages 7 and 5, and I wasn’t yet 2. I had been labeled “the attention-seeker”, so if I cried, I was ignored because the narrative was “She’s just doing it for attention”, meaning they needed to ignore me until I stopped. By age 3, I wanted to die. Others in the family were too busy, shooing me away when I was so lonely. I just wanted to be wanted. Fast-forward to age 15, I knew nothing would change if I took my life --it would be said that “She’s always had a mental problem…” and I would be blamed for my own suicide. So I moved ahead, left home and got some counseling. Four decades later, I have been 3 years no contact with the family system. I’m finally free. 🙏🙏🙏
I'm sure many here have heard those same types of statements (including me). Inspiring and uplifting end to your comment - thank you.
🙏🏽❤️
Thank you so much for this video! I am now almost 70 years old and I'm still recovering from diagnosed CPTSD after being the family scapegoat. My narc mother physically and emotionally abused me throughout my chidhood and into adulthood. She did nothing to stop childhood sexual abuse either. My late husband saw my mother for what she was and helped me break free from her. He also recognised that my only sibling, a half brother, was the "golden child" and had been trained to perpetuate her abuse. I didn't want to hear what my husband said, but after his death, my brother's abuse ramped up to the extent that I couldn't ignore it any longer. When our mother finally died I was banned from her funeral and my half brother tried to stop me inheriting anything from her. A good lawyer referred me to an excellent and aware psychologist and I am 10 years into healing, although sometimes it still hurts. Your video was an excellent refresher course. Please keep up your good work!
Thank you for this message of awareness, change, hope, and healing, Rosemary. Very glad you are here!
My parents both had no Dad, my mothers died when she was 1 and my dad never knew his dad, but was brought up by a cold stepfather. Im the 4th out of 5 children, both my parents died when i was 18, the siblings more or less turned their backs on me. Its been very tough, and im the scapegoat. Never got any love as a child off either parents or anyone.
Pam, that is so sad ❤️🩹
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Thanks. It's been a tough, rough life, I just want peace now at 63.
Engage with this community as if it's your real family. We all understand each other, and can support each other. Don't be lonely, you're amongst friends 🙏💕☮️
Hi Pam, linking you to a list of resources if you are wanting additional support. Rhonda's private Facebook group may be particularly helpful: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thankyou. I will look.
Right. Best explanation of my own situation has ALWAYS been "pretend it didn't happen". In other words "join in the shared fantasy, and ignore all of the collateral damage. Put on a happy face (mask). Stop being so negative. Succumb to the bullying. Stop being an individual. You are with us, or you are against us."
Thank you for making this video.
You're welcome. Yes, we know in the field of Family Systems that every family has an unspoken 'motto' or family narrative that members are pressured to adhere and conform to. You describe such 'mottos' well in your comment. Thank you for being a 'Supporter' member of this channel.
You're very welcome. We know in Family Systems that all families have unspoken 'mottos'. Sounds like you may have figured yours out via your last sentence here.
I hate my birth family
Couldn't have said it better myself. 😅
i don't hate them.. i just know i did not . nor, do i want to be involved with them..i was an invisible kid...so, why bother now with them? I have never really have them in my life...and, at this stage .. i don't need them...i am good... don't wish any bad.. but...just can't be in their presents.
Me too. I always felt like I was born into the wrong family.
I’ve always thought I was born into the wrong family. I’ve dreamed of a normal loving family and will until the day I die.
@@GlockPeacelove your spicy niece!!! There's hope for a small segment of the human race.....
I'm that child. I've never seen it explained so clearly and truthfully. I'm actually 65. It's been a strange life.
Thank you. You may want to read my introductory book on FSA for even greater clarity on what may have happened to you in your family. Linking you to my resource page for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Whenever I feel down I remind myself that Jesus was the ultimate scapegoat and God always favors the scapegoat so we are targeted because we are spiritually stronger than our families
@@1RUTHGroup ☺️🥰
@jesusisLordperiod. I love it! That’s beautiful 🥰
@@morgandubie being the family scapegoat, one would think you have now been sucked in to a fantasy world. After all the years of abuse, I choose to live in the real world and not a make-believe world with a sky daddy, a poltergeist, and an out upon human. (This sounds so polytheistic. A triune does mean three. Not one.) All of this with no evidence. As a survivor, I prefer reality over delusions. I have evidence, real tangible evidence, of my past abuses. There has yet to be any evidence of the supernatural. I like a reality and non-shame based life. I hope you find peace without delusions. It’s so worth it.
@@sallyeddy5295 who said there’s no evidence? Sorry doll that you’ve clearly been through it in life, however, I’ve also been through things you couldn’t possibly fathom. I don’t “make up a sky daddy” because it makes me feel better (in fact, that notion is laughable) I believe in Jesus Christ because He is the truth. The very fact that you use the term sky daddy tells me you know nothing about the reality of the world and the truth that exists outside of the physical realm. I feel sorry for you and your immature worldview but also because you harbor so much envy and hatred towards someone who has learned the truth and is now trying to share that truth with as many people as possible. I wish you well and hope you learn to eventually love yourself (which clearly you don’t or else you wouldn’t feel the need to lash out at those who do.) I don’t say that out of anger but out of love and pity. Take care of yourself and I hope Jesus touches your heart and soul like He did mine.
@@morgandubie Sorry sweeetie. I have yet to see ANY evidence. Please tell me the evidence. If it’s good and valid, I;l join you in church!
I've always been aware of how traumatic my childhood was, having had a selfish narcissistic mother who forced me into becoming a parentified child around 7-8 years old, when she had my little brother, whose well being and care was left up to me for the majority of his childhood.. then she started constantly pitting us against each other as we got older, by making me out to be the bad guy(scapegoat/black sheep), even though I was the one who she always depended on to take care of her when she fell ill and was responsible for making sure they both had what they needed, and by making him out to be the golden child and giving him anything he wanted, despite his constant disrespect towards her and myself, his blatant disregard for authority by committing multiple crimes, and even after he eventually ending up in prison for 10 years once he finally messed up so bad that he got caught.. however, it wasn't until my mom passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, that a tsunami of repressed/suppressed emotions and realizations was triggered, that revealed just HOW DEEP that trauma went.. it was like her dying opened some sort of Pandora's box that had been hidden within my subconscious and was then opened and flooding me with an endless barrage of intense pain and confusion on an existential level that I thought would drown me for sure.. needless to say, the past few years of my life have proved to be some of the most treacherous terrain I've ever had to navigate when it comes to dealing with and healing the aspects of myself that had been so deeply wounded.. all while simultaneously grieving the passing of my only 2 uncles and grandfather, all who passed within a year of my mom's passing, raising my daughter as a single parent because her father was nowhere to be found, losing the small cleaning/catering business that I'd had for about 7 years, getting out of a bad relationship after almost 5 years together, uprooting our lives to move to a new city and state and basically having to completely start our lives over.. not to mention this was all happening amidst the chaos and insanity that the pandemic caused as well.. but somehow, I made it through all of it, which showed me something incredibly surprising about myself and about who I was at a soul level.. it showed me just how resilient, strong, understanding, emotionally intelligent and extraordinary I had to be, in order for me to make it through everything I went through, and still have my mental sanity, positive attitude and unwavering belief in God's love for me still intact.. being able to see those things about myself, was a very vital and crucial step in reprogramming all the layers of negative and detrimental subconscious programming, that comes from experiencing so much trauma throughout life.. my inner child was so damaged, that I had to isolate myself for long periods of time, in order to fully devote myself to the healing process without distractions.. I was fortunate and thankful that my daughter was old enough to understand that I needed time to heal, and that she had her aunt and grandma on her dad's side who wanted her to come stay with them for that summer, which allowed me some essential freedom to dedicate more time and energy to working on becoming the best version of myself possible through my healing process.. this journey is far from over, but the past no longer controls my present and future life experiences in this world the way it once did.. I feel extremely blessed and humbled to be able to share with others how it is ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE to go through every hell imaginable, and still come out on the other side of it.. To be honest, I'm extremely grateful for EVERYTHING that I had to go through because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be the person I am today, and I am very happy to have become who I currently am.. THAT, in my opinion, is what qualifies as a bona-fide miracle, which proves miraculous things can and do happen when you're willing to take step back and look at things from a higher perspective.. SENDING ALL WHO READ THIS AND WISH TO RECEIVE IT, SO MUCH LOVE, HEALING, PEACE, LIGHT AND INFINITE BLESSINGS!! STAY BLESSED NOT STRESSED 💖💖😇😇🙏🙏🥰🥰🌟🌟🤗🤗💞💞
Based on this comment, I think you'll appreciate the new video I am releasing tomorrow.
I'm proud of you!
I've given up on my dysfunctional family and moved on with out them. Doesn't bother me. They've shown me who they are. I'm much stronger and happier.
I was the scapegoat of the family. My mother was a narcissist and abusive. My siblings learned from an early age that if they were nice to me they didn’t get cookies or mommy’s favor. They caught on and realized that and that they were rewarded when they were mean to me. I married the first guy who asked to escape, but he was another narcissist, big mistake.
Don't blame yourself for that. Being denied any love or affection as a child and young adult of course we were ripe for the first love-bombing narcissist who came along.
You absolutely can get away
Stop all communication with all family
Move on ,enjoy your life
Before it’s too late
100%
Agree.
There is a lot of work involved in "moving on."
And, I would add, give yourself a private and secluded space to (quietly, if possible) process the rage. When you no longer take it out on yourself or others, just send it 'out.'
Yes my narcissistic mother taught my golden child brother how to treat me and how to see me as not worth much and as a lesser.
Yes, scapegoating is in part a learned behavior, as well as many other things...(!)
Boy, when you mentioned how a sibling takes up the same behavior as the parent who dies, that really hit home. When my father passed away, I admit, I was relieved. The years of abuse had caused me so much anxiety that I could no longer be in contact with him, but then, after his death I had assumed it would all be okay, I'd be safe, but not the case. My sister decided that she would continue this abusive legacy. It has gotten her into trouble. Not at all shocking. She can't abuse me so she goes after those she can abuse. She plays victim and bully just like my dad did. Whatever serves the purpose. Anyway....Thank you for speaking about this. It can be years of torment.
You're very welcome. Sorry you went through this. Linking you to my list of resources here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you ...sigh!!!! I am 75
year old middle child & still scapgoated by my 2 sisters. I have 3 children & 9 grandchildren & one of my sisters continually creeps in with her distorted version of me. Literally goes out of her way to maligned me. So sad. I have distanced myself completely & could not figure out why she & my younger sister, both in their 70's, would do this. I appreciate your work & will be following you & getting your books. Thank you for all that you do
. phew!!!!
I knew all this was happening to me. Didn’t realize there was a term for it. Also didn’t realize that it was this common. I feel like I found my new family, a family of fellow scapegoats.
Yes, this is all very soul crushing. I must pray for them. If I am told to pray for my enemies, that includes family. 😢
Glad you're here. If my work on FSA is new to you, you can find more resources in on my website and in the menu at scapegoatrecovery.com.
I don't care what they think about me or if they love me anymore. It hurt so badly for year's. But anymore, I can't stand to even talk to any of them. I am healing more and more, and I now know how sick they all are. It's too bad. They don't even know me. They have no power. I have the power now.
"They don't even know me." Typically this is the case. As I say in videos here and in my book, often the FSA target is simply a human projection screen. It is a very dehumanizing, objectifying, soul-crushing process.
❤@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
GOOD!!
❤
I’m the designated scapegoat. My mother clearly let it be know from childhood that my only sibling sister was the favored golden child. After my father passed away when I was 11, I was blamed for everything including the cause of my own father’s death (heart attack probably from heavy smoking). In my teens through my 20’s, the golden child joined in on the blame game. I will never ever forget the mental abusive hurtful name calling that my mother inflicted on me throughout my life. I was often told that she should have never gave birth to me. She’s passed on and my sister and I have been estranged for over 12 years now. I know nothing about her life and assume that she is happy that we are literally strangers.
Your story emphasizes why I have dedicated my entire career to waking society up - including Mental Health professionals - regarding the devastating nature of this form of abuse (what I named Family Scapegoating Abuse/FSA). Here's a survivor Resource list I put together in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Seven years ago, I began the difficult healing process from severe trauma that I experienced for several years as a child. I am 47 years old now; I have been and still am the scapegoat in my family. My sister was, and still is, the golden child. I have had to go no contact with my family (including my sister) for my sanity. I stumbled across your book on Amazon about a year ago and it has made such a positive impact on my life and aided in my healing. I cannot thank you enough!
So good to hear. Linking you to a list of resources I created (and recently updated) in case you missed it: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
This killed my sister. Very sad.
I believe it. The trauma is real.
Far beyond "dysfunctional" in my Scapegoat role that began @ birth on that Friday the 13th winter day... My Sadistically Catholic FAMILY is a
CULT!
Catholicism isn’t a cult. They sound unhinged. Scientology is a cult. Catholic Church doesn’t care if you leave or stay. It doesn’t stalk you. Please stop excusing your families poor behavior through bigotry.
All religions are cults.
I am calling it Catholic abuse and I know it well. The message is that your are not even acceptable to God
My family is also a cult. Wasn't obvious until I married a cult leader too.
Something unusual happened recently. I rarely hear from my brothers who are much older and they dont speak with each other. I left my home town at 15 and didn't visit for 23 years and then rarely after that. Last week unbeknownst to each other they both texted me with texts leap frogging each other. My only interest in maintaining minmal contact is that i appreciate my nephews and their families who i see once a year or so. I lead a life of travel and outdoor adventure. Home to me is cultivating intuition, and love for and within myself ... That's the best adventure of all. Family are my friends who I now choose carefully.
That is oddly synchronistic, indeed. Yes, we do have the power to create a life worth living, free of abuse.
Thank you Rebecca. Also I now see non family areas of my life, where I have worked way too hard to keep the system afloat.. to my detriment
Hi Mellie, I may have already mentioned it, but I used to give conference presentations to licensed clinicians on how we may be vulnerable to acting out our family systems roles in the workplace (this applies to everybody), or, somehow find ourselves in the same (family) role. These systemic processes are unconscious, of course. This applies to any human group / organization / system.
thank you for your answer Rebecca. I’ve found myself in a really difficult position at work, through over responsibility and not reading manipulation, that’s only the start of it. Lovely to see that you are on the mend
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse amazingly or not- the most recent is at my long term life drawing class.
I am SO glad I came across this video. I have not been able to work out why, when my mother died, my much loved brother (the golden child) started treating me as the scapegoat. He turned my whole family against me, I was totally shocked and couldn’t understand it. Now I understand. Thank you.
You're welcome, yet so sorry to hear it. I know this one well myself (when a parent lost mental faculties). Shocking can't even begin to describe it. Linking you to a resource list I put together in case you need additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
So scary that this happens. I feel like I have been warned.
Every bit of this video described my family system perfectly -- the survival strategies, the splitting, the under-the-rug sweeping to "just all get along," the shifting dynamics to maintain homeostasis after a parent's death...
I can remember being scapegoated as early as age 5 or 6, when my sister shoved me and I cut the corner of my eye on the kitchen counter, resulting in my mother yelling at...me. I know the moment my narcissistic mother passed the baton to another sister two years ago, who has now taken up the blaming and shaming in her place, with other sisters tacitly going along.
One of those sisters literally told me last week she didn't want to take sides in an argument between another sister and myself about MY marriage, as if the other sibling has any kind of valid opinion about whether or not I should have gotten divorced and what went on behind closed doors. (She is friends with my abusive ex and insists he's a "nice guy.")
I like to say I grew up in the Twilight Zone because everything was so eerily off kilter. It would have been easier in some ways to have had overt abuse than the insidious abuse of neglect and our mother pitting siblings against each other. My father was the classic empathic codependent who was so cowed by my mother that his efforts to stand up for us had to be done in secret. Not surprisingly, my siblings are now throwing him under the bus too.
Completely understand about being friends with an abusive ex who is apparently a ‘nice guy’. My sister has not spoken to me since 2011 but when my marriage ended 2 years ago with my abusive ex husband walking out, she latched on to him and my only daughter who is 18 and they all sit around and slander me
@@Andrea-lp4bb I'm so sorry you have had to go through that too. Like with you, my sister and my ex collaborated to alienate my son (also 18 at the time) against me. And my family is mad at me for condemning the inappropriateness of this!
@@patriciasalem3606 I’m so terribly sorry to hear this. There seems to be a general theme worldwide that this happens. My Narc mother also joined in the efforts with my ex husband and sister. My daughter fell for it for around a year. She then became much more loyal to me around a year ago. But unfortunately went to a Tertiary Institution in 2022 where she had a tutor who was a vicious ex friend of mine. My ex husband had already got to this ex friend and her husband saying I had destroyed the marriage and not him. This tutor went on to develop a very intimate relationship with my daughter involving a lot of contact. I finally spoke up about it a month ago and also involved her Manager.
The result of this has meant that my daughter has now turned on me again and sided with my ex husband and this ex tutor. I also think my mother contacted the ex tutor at the tertiary institution when my daughter was there in 2022. So now I’ve lost my daughter yet again and she has lashed out at me. My daughter has BPD. What a mess
@patriciasalem3606 You illustrate these dynamics so powerfully with your written expressions. Perfectly aligns with the points I hoped to stress in this particular video. Thank you.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for those kind words, Rebecca. And thank you for giving us this channel where we can learn, vent, and support others with similar experiences.
This is all so enlightning and helpful!! Thank you so much for sharing!!
You are so welcome!
I’m currently dealing with this with my siblings. We have the same dad and they share a different mom than i do. We have all acknowledged that our dad is problematic and won’t change. He has emotionally and physically neglected me consistently from childhood until now, even repeating the behaviors with my children. They just want me to deal with his behavior because he is our dad, he won’t change, we have to honor him, etc. My spirit and soul are tired of accepting less than I know I deserve. I’m done abandoning myself, but they don’t or won’t get that. So we are estranged because they don’t like me choosing myself.
Yes, that is often what happens. Linking you to my resource list for more support and information: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Thank you so much for this talk. It's healing and enpowering to have someone acknowledge scapegoat abuse, and the family dynamics involved. I have been in the scapegoat role in my family, and have spent most of my life 'hiding on the desert' believing that I should die, and carrying an overbearing load of family trauma. Your talk, confirms to me, that despite pressure to do otherwise, finally reclaiming my life, and walking away from my siblings, is right action for me. I can treat the grief involved in that decision as a kind of baptism, a washing clean, and finally be free to celebrate my existence. This talk has been very validating for me, so again, thank you. 💐🙏😊
You're very welcome!
I finally asked an uncle who has always been very friendly to me: What stories have YOU heard? because they're being told to my kids. Never heard from him again. He sent an effusive, friendly birthday greeting to my husband a few months later. My husband asked, "Did you get her question? What can you do about this?" Never heard from him again either.
Wow. If that doesn't say it all right there...The fact that he said...NOTHING.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes. I pointed out my KIDS are being hurt by being told these lies about me. And still...NOTHING.
You may want to watch this video next: ua-cam.com/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/v-deo.html
I got straight A's, babysat for money and to be able to access TV, stayed at my friend's homes as much as possible, and I couldn't get a pat on the back for my efforts. Actually my Mom destroyed my 4 year college scholarship offer letter, and she was a psychologist that used her knowledge to do as much damage to me as possible.
So very sorry.
I was accepted to College, my parent refused to fill out the financial aid paperwork.
I have heard similar stories from other FSA adult survivors who had clinician parents. I may discuss this as a video topic down the road.
My mother was murdered in 1976. I was the oldest of six children. When my parents got separated. I was fifteen yrs old. The oldest daughter. I lived at war with my mother. We physically fought. She would summon my younger brother to rescue her from my "bad temper". She beat the crap out of all three of my younger brothers and my younger sister. My father blamed me on for their separation. I look exactly like my mother. In 2003 my only child, my son William died. My brothers and sister have never called me to say - sorry for your loss. You must think - what the f did I do to merit this. It's a fair question. I can tell you - I'm far from perfect - I'm a junkie - I was Clean for twenty years - not once- nice job - good for you-
doesn't matter. When I relapsed - My sister said it was only a matter of time.
So sorry.
Congratulations on 20 years of sobriety! Relapse is almost always a part of recovery. Your siblings are horrible people. Stop thinking about them and expecting anything from them. They have shown you who they are. Pour that energy into yourself and your recovery. You are worth it.
You have had to endure unimaginable pain and loss. I am deeply sorry for this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Keep your recovery....stay strong...be proud of you for you have endured and coped the best way you knew how at the time.
I am so sorry for the loss of your Son. I pray God grants you peace. You deserve it. 🙏🏽❤️🫂 Congratulations on your sobriety.
11:27 this is spot on. I am apparently the world's most successful mentally unstable addict. In a career that regularly drug tests and requires intense background checks and polygraphs, it's amazing that according to my family I've been abusing drugs and stealing to feed my addictions this whole time. I guess I must have super powers to maintain a job with such intense scrutiny for nearly 20 years while being on drugs... I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear their narrative.
@talialisko8387 same exact story here. I had no idea it was possible to be addicted to drugs that you have never even touched before. In my case it got so bad that they actually called my local PD (Parents and Sibling live 2 hours away) and reported that I was "addicted" to meth, exhibiting "abnormal" behaviors. They informed the police that I had weapons in my home and that I had intended on hurting my children. As my wife and I are getting our kids ready to go out for Valentines day dinner on valentines NIGHT.
The reality was, I was going through a fairly difficult time with my health and had caused a huge psoriasis flare up that covered 80% of my body specially effecting my face. I was diagnosed with psoriasis a 14years old........so its not like I was addicted then either.
"abnormal behaviors" Were me confronting them about their abuse. I'd realized that what I experienced my entire life was abnormal, unhealthy and demoralizing and that it was effecting me more than what I had originally thought.
I had let them gaslight me for MONTHS in effort to get them to understand how they were still negatively impacting not just my life, bu my children and my wife as well before what I coined their "Parting gift" to my wife and I.
So heres to neither of us ever getting off the drugs or becoming mentally stable! We didn't choose the drugs.....the drugs chose us.
You are not alone.
Take care.
It is amazing what we "crazy," "emotionally ill" people can accomplish, isn't it? The fact we can succeed and do so well in both are personal and professional lives and yet are also bat-s$%t crazy at the same time is quite an amazing feat!
Thank you Rebecca! This Sibling Estrangement subject and financial abuse advocacy/defense were on my list of topics I was secretly hoping you would cover. I love the way you explain subject matter. For this specific subject, I like to watch and read Dr. Ali John Chaudhary and Fern Shumer.
You're very welcome, Mildred!
Thanks for another great video - great to see you back and looking healthy. This video is very timely for me as my malignant narcissistic father just passed away. In the aftermath of his death, I have gone no contact with my narcissist siblings. My family has perpetuated the scapegoating narrative all my life but now I will be getting the truth out there about my sick and crooked narcissistic family.
You're very welcome. Sick families create sick legacies, but we need not take those on, once we understand these dynamics.
My Mom’s lifeless body was still warm when my sister decided to take over our Mother’s role. As the black sheep, I was literally thrown out of her house 2 hours after her death because of her anger that I was present with our mother when she died. It’s terribly sick.
This type of event was reported by several respondents during my original FSA research years ago. I continue to receive such reports. I am very sorry this happened to you. Horrific.
Thank you so much for this video! I now have a complete understanding of my family dynamics.
My mother passed away 12 years ago,, my father passed away recently. I have just one sibling, and he stepped into their roles treating me like the FSA. The rest of my extended family has as well.
I have a big extended family, at my father's funeral only a few people gave me their condolences. It was definitely sole crushing.
I'm so very sorry. In case you're new here, you might take a look at a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you for explanation. I grew up in a scapegoat family. Isolation, anxity and all kind of bad feelings all my life. Hear you is like I'm not alone, someone understands what I've been passing through.
Many here will understand. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
The GC in my family has made it a point, for several decades, to demand explanations and apologies, and to pick fights, in front of an audience. ALWAYS in front of an audience, and always strategically in situations where i can't just walk away. Though i have offered every single time to discuss the matter with her privately, she has always refused.
Her complaint is that she was "not included," and last time, it was specifically about when i went out with friends, as a teen. The whole thing struck me as absurd. How many teens drag along elementary school-aged siblings, when out with friends? In addition, she made a habit of lying, just to watch the older kids get yelled at for things we hadn't done (she would stand there and smirk). I learned that the only way to avoid that, was to avoid her.
I have started every visit with the intention of getting along with everybody. The most recent incident was when the family traveled, (from different states), to celebrate the 90th birthday of a relative. I had driven almost 1000 miles to get there. We met up at the party venue, and my entire birth family got on an elevator. She waited for the elevator door to close, then immediately demanded an apology for "not being included."
Her other favorite time to do this was when we were in her car with other family members, with HER driving, and when i was visiting them from out of town. I didn't know my way around the city, and the only way out of the situation would have been to get out of the car and call a cab. She will NOT get the apology, (if anyone owes an apology, it's her).
This behavior strikes me as extremely calculated and, downright malicious. I have told her, every time, that this is inappropriate, and that we could discuss it privately, but no other family member has ever stepped up to tell her how out of line she is.
I discuss in one of my videos how certain family members can do just about anything and nobody says a peep - and they are often the GC (and sometimes the GC believes they are actually the scapegoat child). If the scapegoat child (SC) were to do the same behaviors, all hell would break loose. If someone DOES say something to the GC, it is typically the family 'truth-teller', who often ends up in the 'scapegoat' role in these dysfunctional (or narcissistic) family systems. I've worked with literally hundreds of families at this point in my career and the situation you describe is one I'm quite familiar with. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for your response, and yes - if i defend myself, they will either stay silent or jump on me, (all hell HAS broken loose over that. And i was the scapegoat). I try not to rock the boat, as i do want them in my life, but don't understand what motivates this repeated behavior. At other times, the GC can be nice.
My introductory book on FSA will help you understand these pathological processes - I discuss the Family Projective Identification Process which fuels scapegoating in dysfunctional (versus narcissistic) family systems. It's listed at the top of this resource page I put together for FSA adult survivors - I also may do a 2nd dedicated video on this this month. Search on my website for 'Projective Identification Process' - that will help you understand better in the meantime: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you!
Turn around and walk away. That hurts an attention-seeker more than anything...
Im reading Dr Rebecca's book at the moment. Its like connecting with a kindred spirit that knows me. Amazing 💕🙏
I know FSA *very* well - and not just for professional reasons...(!)
Rebecca, I'm so glad you're back. Your voice of reason is so valuable to us.
I never thought of myself as a scapegoat as a child -- the youngest of five -- but due to a cascade of events in recent years, including the addition of an evil selfish narc marrying into our family and changing dynamics and creating competition, I am now in the scapegoat role, in my 50s.
And just as you say, I had a close sister -- but after Mom died a year ago, this sister flipped on me. She even turned her children against me and the extended family of 30+ people is all screwed up. It's been devastating to me, as I have no children. I was very close to my nieces and nephews but that's all changed now. At least the other sister is on my side (my other two siblings are dead and their children are kind of stuck in the middle). As I've told you before, I should write a book.
Again, I'm glad you're back.
PS I read most of your book but had to take a break because it was too raw at the time to finish it.
Thank you - I'm very glad to be back on UA-cam connecting with you all here. You've given me a good idea for an article / video: How scapegoating dynamics or full-blown FSA can develop when a personality disordered person enters the family via marriage. Stay tuned...!
Im way over the negativity but i realize this has affected my judgement on some issues. Im glad your talking about this, so many doctors dont address this trauma enough.🤗💖
Glad you're here. Linking you to my updated resource list for FSA survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Rebecca, how can we ever get away from being told as children, little girl or little boy; 'you are ugly" "you are stupid" "no one likes you" "you ruined my life" "you are an imbecile" "this one" and then smearing me to my dad, sisters, the neighbor, grandparents, cousins. When my 3rd grade teacher taught us how to use the dictionary I asked her to spell imbecile and I looked it up. "IT" is never over, we just deal with it and we attract narcs our entire life because we really are fun, intelligent, lighthearted, etc. I got a Blink Doorbell camera b/c the 30 something neighbor is vandalizing my car and it helped me tremendously to see her for who she is and to my surprise it has also shown me what other ppl see when they see me and make some sense of it.
Your parent is projecting their own feelings about themself onto you, so they don't have to deal with it. Often, they were treated in a similar manner by their own parents, but they won't admit that to you. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with the hurt though. I am sorry you had to grow up that way.
I heard those same lies growing up, being insulted and broken down with my parents words, but they are lies and not the truth. My parent was just mean, unhappy, and projecting her sad existance onto me becuase misery loves company. I can see her for what she is, just a dark and lonely person. I chose to not be that way with my own child and I also build up my inner child every day. I also attracted narcisstic predators as well but now I live with a good man and have a good life. Hope is real.
What you wrote here indicates profound psycho-emotional abuse. In such cases, one may have Complex Trauma and this must be addressed. I discuss this in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, in detail. Linking you to a list of resources I put together in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Always pray for your enemies. In doing so u will heap burning coals on their head
Their lives will be full of trouble and days will be cut short! 🙏
Matthew 10
Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death.
22 You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.
23 When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another
So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.
28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.
Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.
30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
🕯️♥️🙏
Same here, i was abused by my mother, sister, at school, by elementary school teachers. I had noone.
The trauma and complex trauma after narcissistic abuse is profound. I have found working with clients and in my own life that EFT tapping has been a life saver to address early childhood trauma. I think the biggest thing to remember is that it is not our fault and the toxic shame can be worked through when we find someone who actually understands this issue. I feel those that don't understand it really can make it worse... this channel is excellent. Really appreciate you Rebecca!
Wonderful to have you here! I do believe I mentioned EFT as being helpful in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and in one or more of my articles. Glad this has been helpful for you. Intrigued by your UA-cam handle and how you are working with nutrition. Perhaps we can do a collaborative video together one day we can cross-promote!
Not only am I estranged from my siblings but they both have heavily influenced my daughter. I had a really difficult time raising her alone and her father was abusive. My daughter learned my parents and siblings abusive ways and cut me out of their lives. I don’t care if I never speak to my siblings ever again as I feel they are narcissistic but they took my daughter away from me . I also never got to know my niece and nephews. My family is so broken .
This happens more than people might imagine, sadly, as validated by my original FSA research.
My siblings put a barrier between me and my kids for many years, but we have been able to transcend it because my kids see how horrible my siblings are...
My daughter too has been poisoned and it's the worst ❤
Your story is extremely similar to mine.
My only child has also been estranged from me for several years. My siblings and son in law reign supreme. I can’t see my four grandchildren. It’s horrific and u find I need to protect myself from triggers in order to survive. I’m 73 now and know that there has to be something better in the other side. God bless you.
Is this common to have parents and siblings undermine the relationship between you and your child? I thought I was the only one that it happened to and I took responsibility for failing as a parent
Thank you for these resources, I’ve spent my entire life so confused and wondering, it’s taken me going no contact with a narcissistic partner to realize the roles I’ve played in my narcissisticly dysfunctional family with a mother who physically abused myself and one other sibling. I left my ex last year in October and have spent the last few months grieving and recovering in ways I didn’t know were possible… a few days ago I had a spiritual break through which led to me finally starting to write the book that sibling and I have been talking about our entire adult lives… I have done this without the help of someone who has “the whole picture” (as I see it) and I am so grateful to have found your videos. They have confirmed my thoughts and my experiences in a way most educational videos have not and I am forever grateful to individuals such as yourself who share these thoughts and ideas as you are. I will continue to share your videos with people who may need them.
Thank you, so much.
Very glad you're here. Here's a list of FSA adult survivor resources I put together in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am so happy I stumbled on your site. This has explained alot too me. And what I been going through, it seems my whole life.
Glad you’re here. I have resources on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com.
I knew even as a child that Cinderella is my story and I always identified with it, even though the sister was my own blood sister and the mother was my own real mother, yet I was treated as an untouchable, the pretty one that everyone was jealous of, just for being born. I would outlive them all and not have to bury my dreams, so they wouldn't make fun of them. I went no contact and it worked and I did outlive all of them, after they refused to let me have any of the relatives as my family, too. As long as there is Gd, I am never alone and I'm living my dream. I discovered your Channel today at age 77 and it sure is a comfort. You are the pretty one Rebecca and they hate you for it. ( I also had gallbladder disease and 44 years ago a Mexican friend told me to take a tablespoon of olive oil first thing every morning. Thank Gd, from then on, it never bothered me, no matter what I ate. The surgeon wanted to take out my gallbladder while I was pregnant with my first child. No waaay!) I am now happy in Israel, the fifth happiest country in the world❤😊
Lovely to meet you here, Carol, and thank you for sharing a bit of your FSA story with us. "Untouchable" - Yes, it really can feel that way. My gallbladder kicked the bucket, was necrotic, would have had septic event without removal, and it was attached to all kinds of things it should not have been due to inflammation (hence the horrendous pain I had during attacks). I'm very glad I had it taken out but I think it is wonderful you saved yours while pregnant - I know gb attacks can happen in pregnancy and many women do feel they can avoid removal - and are often successful at saving it, as you were. Linking you to a list of resources in case you'd like extra support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
You just described my family dynamic so precisely, I am absolutely amazed. One of my scapegoating parents has already died, the other is now old and infirm. My golden child sibling was seriously ill recently, and the whole family dynamic played out just how you described here 😮
Glad you're here. Here's a resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors for additional support and education ideas: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you so much, Dr. Mandeville for another informative and very validating video! Around 22:30, you said something that really resonated with me: "To know what we are trying to heal, we need to understand the wound and where it came from." The more I have tried to understand, educate (as compassionately as possible) and heal the dysfunction in my family, (even before I understood I was the scapegoat and all of the language and education I learned from you), the more I was punished (scapegoated) for it. It got so bad that I had no choice but to cut contact. The complicit members of FSA have an intrinsic and vested interest in not understanding. In my lived experience, they are far more comfortable feeding their own delusions surrounding all of this and keeping their heads in the sand. And, for me, it's this indifference that has been, by far, the most excruciatingly painful - even more than the abuse of scapegoating itself. I hope your healing journey is going well and thanks again for continuing to put out these videos when you can. Also, I have finished reading your book and it was amazing (5 out of 5 stars)! It might sound a little far fetched but you have honestly helped to save my life. The validation and education I have received from you has been invaluable to my healing journey. I am so grateful for you and all the work you have done and continue to do 💗
Thank you for this lovely message - I'm so glad my work on FSA has been helpful and I appreciate your 5/5 star on my book. Not sure if you have this resource list I put together but here it is again, just in case: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Glad I ran across your video today. It seems you are well versed on the Scapegoat dynamics within the supremely dysfunctional family system.
I recently turned 70 and I find my appointed “Scapegoat” identity to be everlasting and building over the years, despite many years of counseling, therapy, reading self-help books, video tapes, etc. I realize that my defenses are continuously up in order to protect me from further harm.
Problem is that I now find myself in a worse position than before because this ran its course in my immediate family, then with my siblings (only 1 out of 7 will speak to me), and, finally, my 4 children and I argued during Mother’s Day and I feel like an estranged mother.
I feel completely and utterly alone knowing that they care so little about having me in their lives.
I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you're here and hope you find something of comfort or value in my video offerings. New video coming out in a few hours. Linking you to my resource list for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I can relate to this. Three sisters in three countries who have in one case not spoken since 2011, and in the second case the last contact was in 2017. The most recent one will not accept emails or any contact, and it is the same with my 2011 sister. One of us is in the UK, the second in Canada, and third is in FL, USA. When my mother passed in 2008 everything changed. We are all three completely disconnected as if we never knew each other.
I liked in particular the concept of homeostasis and family balance. Thank you 💚💙🩵
This is one of your best posts to date in my opinion. Thank you so much for addressing this topic. It perfectly describes what I have been living through with my family of origin (FOO). It is heartbreaking to "lose" siblings this way, and I have been wondering what to expect when my last remaining parent dies. I think I now know and can adjust my expectations accordingly. My FOO has always been characterized by conflict avoidance/ passive-aggressive behaviour, so denial and refusing to take sides is the modus operandi of my sibs. As you say, silence = complicity and I have always felt this way. I finally feel affirmed in this belief. Keep up your excellent work and thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your book.
You’re very welcome, and I hope you find my introductory book on FSA helpful.
This was brilliantly explained - especially the generational or ancestral trauma and the scapegoat carrying this load. Certainly a heavy load. Greatly appreciated this message today while sorting through 🙏
Glad it was helpful - thank you for letting me know.
Rebecca, I am sending you so much LOVE right now! The first time I saw one of your videos and realized that I'm not alone and this is an actual thing, I balled my eyes out. I watched more videos, bought and read your book and then I could lay it all aside and live in peace. I haven't thought about it much since. When this video showed up, I let it sit feeling like I didn't want to drum up those feelings. Today I watched and it was good, I can see it all so clearly without any internal (sadness, grief, anger, bitterness) I feel so much healing has taken place and I am so thankful for you! I can live in peace sending love to those who hurt me. I don't need or want those relationships back, I am joyful and fulfilled in my life now! THANK YOU!🌺🌼🌷🏵
Thank you for letting me - and other FSA adult survivors here - know that 'radical acceptance' and joy on the other side of this type of systemic abuse is possible, as described in a few videos here and in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). I celebrate your journey and where it is taking you!
Dr M your book has been a lifesaver! There were finally names for my mental health issues! Part of my issues stemmed from being told I was making everything up. Which caused me to feel the need to always prove myself like a defense attorney prepping for trial.
One of the more disappointing things after my malignant narcissist mother’s death was the realization that nothing had changed. Nobody saw me differently than they had before. I was stuck in that role and always will be.
The thing about NC is; they no longer have me around to blame when the SHTF.
As a very small child I would often "ask"
God (as I understood something higher)
why on earth He/She put me there and
what was I expected to do.
I wish I had gotten a reply to hang on for dear life then run like hell as soon as I was able. Unfortunately, I was loyal to a fault. No more!
I told God many times...you put me in the wrong family
I can heavily relate to this my siblings position would go like this:
Father - Enabler Parent/ Covert Narcissist
Mother - Narcissistic Parent/ Overt Narcissist
Sister - Former Scapegoat Child/ Lost Child
Brother - Golden Child
Brother - Lost Child
Me - Scapegoat Child
I would say in my early years I had behavioral issues due to the scapegoating I received through out my life from my mother and my siblings along with family members. Around the age of 9 years old I overheard my sister and brother talking bad about me with my mom and now I realize why they treat me like crap is because of my mom I hate her with a passion. Also I like to add that she had me go on SSI so that she can get extra money through me while I can never be financially independent and she would use my tax money for herself if that’s not a narcissistic parent than I don’t know what is. I plan on finally going no contact when I eventually move out. Current day I found someone that treats me the way I should have been treated along time ago she’s my girlfriend who is also a scapegoat in her family as well so we bond together and understand we went through the same thing I love her so much and can’t wait to spend my life with her.
Thank you for this insightful comment. Linking you to a list of resources I put together in case you are in need of additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you. I am a mess. 5 siblings who ignore me. I am the youngest of six. I was beaten by them and both parents. I am only 98lbs. and I am 60. I have been serching for a CPTSDtherapist but it is such a new diagnoses, not many therapists are trained to help..😢
I watched: Crappy Childhood Fairy when I first started coming out of the CPTSD fog. There are so many great youtube therapists now. Others that have helped me are: Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani, Les Carter, etc. Hope this helps. You can do this!
@@sagebay2803 I thank you! I watch CCF and Dr. Ram. I love these guys. Also Pat. Tegan or something like this.. God bless us all..🫂
@KOOLBadger you might use the search function on Dr. Janina Fisher's website to find a trauma-informed therapist, it is linked on this list of resources I created for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you to the moon! Life is so hard and does not need to be. Im too old to be fighting my mind anymore..🥹 God bless you for this info.🫂
Very glad you're here.
Today I came across your channel, thank you so much and also thank you for all the comments available to read. I am the scapegoat child although 62 now. I still hurt with all the untruths said about me. Rejected by my 5 siblings and now even aunties and uncles. Targeted also towards my own grown now children and grandchildren. Some so called families humans can be and continue to be so cruel.. but hurting my children and grandchildren took this to a whole different cruel level for me 😢😢
You're very welcome. It is often the case that the scapegoated adult survivor is incapable of setting boundaries to protect themselves for various reasons; but when they see their parents / other family members scapegoating their children, they can then take action to protect their child from this type of systemic/family abuse (FSA).
You look so recovered, even better than before your health took a nose dive. It is heart-warming to see and hear you.
Thanks, Nancy. What I endured was over-the-top (physically) painful, but I am in a much better place now, on all levels, so ultimately I am very glad it happened!
I could see it so clearly, the scapegoating behaviour transferred from my parents to my only sibling, older brother as adults and you have named it now! The level of abuse was extraordinary, no contact and I had to let go of all mutual friends that have engaged with his bull. Very shocking and hard, however these people are not my friends. Why would you listen to that toxic sh*8t. I had to build my life back up, but it’s on my terms now.
Thank you so much for this. Very useful explanation! The sibling who will take on the parent's role (of scapegoating) after their death explains a lot of why the abuse doesn't stop with the death of the abusive parent. What a "legacy" to leave behind (not). BTW I have finished reading your book and it was very enlightening. It's a keeper, to read again and again.
So good to hear - Yes, I've had many people tell me they read my book multiple times. It is brief, but dense.
Your book was incredible to telling my childhood home . I said so many times…. “ did someone have cameras in my childhood home? This is my world - how is it so accurate!!”
I have many free resources on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com
Thank you for taking the time to speak about this, I am a scapegoat & so much of what I've just heard sounds very familiar to me.❤
You're welcome. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you, I have just purchased your book & I will take a look at the link.
Good to hear!
So interesting! I felt this dynamic intuitively so opted out of my unhealthy family years ago. My Mother was the scapegoat and I was the golden child - as dubbed by my narcissist grandmother. When my Mother was diagnosed with alzheimers - the tables turned and I became the new scapegoat.
I decided to look after myself & my Mum so managed all contact with them. I then watched from a distance while the family tried to find a new scapegoat. When my grandmother died - the family imploded and none of the siblings speak to each other now. It’s incredibly sad not to have a family but I stay away to keep myself emotionally safe.
These sorts of intense 'splits', rigid roles, role replacement, etc, heighten in severity the more dysfunctional (or narcissistic) a family system is. When one can see an avalanche coming, one is wise to move far away. And, you did.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks so much for telling me that. I’m so glad I found your channel! 🥰
Dr Mandeville, you have described my family dynamics so accurately it's as though you have a crystal ball. Since the age of 5 or 6, my mother bitched about me to my younger brother (and others) very very insidiously, far enough not to be noticed but close enough to hear. It was so subtle that a child wouldn't be able to understand it intellectually and be able to defend herself, but still absorbs it on a subconscious level. For 40 years I believed her narrative, until I discovered were her traits, not mine. She's no longer here but my brother is well groomed into his role as a cult leader now. The flying monkeys have also transferred their loyalty to this new leader. I freed myself by ceasing to hope, and focus on my own healing instead. That's the only way forward as scapegoats. I made that decision when i came to realise that after a whole life spent on protecting everyone, when i needed support at my lowest point, nobody cared. Thank you for your videos.
I could have written this myself, about myself. Likely why it seems to you that I have a crystal ball (!) Thanks for leaving such an insightful comment - you describe the insidious nature of FSA so well. You know it if you lived it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Also, thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to me. Your generosity and kindness are very meaningful to me. I've bought your e-book, and I'm almost at the end. Looking forward to my "next step"! You have a lovely weekend, yeah.
Thank you. This is a fantastic video. I feel a sense of relief listening to you. I feel understood and acknowledged. My mother enjoyed humiliating me in front of others, including a friend (flatmate), who I happened to invite to meet my mum. I lost that friendship because she (the friend) refused to see my mother as anything other than sweet and funny. I no longer introduced people to my mother. When my mother died, I felt nothing and still feel nothing.
You may also want to check out my Substack, more info' here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about
I’m 44 living in the golden child’s (sister) house, 2+ yrs stuck in a waking nightmare. It’s literally killing me & I’ve got no one & no where to go. Even my teen son & preteen nephews now treat me with contempt & callousness. My alcoholic dad keeps trying to have me hospitalized (psychiatric). I only wish I could go back in time to keep my sweet boy far away from this incredibly sick family or somehow undo the damage done in his last few yrs of childhood in this house. All I ever wanted is to give him what he needs to have a fulfilled life with healthy relationships.
Live in your car
Go get therapy
Find what brings you happiness
And do it
Sleep well
Eat healthy
Exercise
Meditation
Music
Sing
Walk
Dance
Write a gratitude journal
So sorry to hear this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case something looks helpful: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Omg get out! My family has helped to completely alienate my oldest child. You can't let this go on.
You’re not alone. I am absolutely trapped in a very toxic situation as well. Nowhere else to go. It’s either here or homeless at this point. But it is like living in a nightmare for me as well. Hang in there!
Finally a name to what I’ve gone through, than you! My mother was the epitome of a gas lighter. My oldest sister was the “golden child” and I was the “scapegoat” even still at 59 years old. The worst part is the denial and lies my mother and sister told. I compare my parents to Jezebel and Ahab. My father went along with all the dirty deeds my mother did to me Best advice is to cut these people off completely. I’ve learned the hard way after multiple attempts to reconcile. I miss having a family, just not the one I was born into. So sad…
It's okay to miss someone but not want them back in your life
"I don't want to take sides" = I don't want to rock the family system boat.
I forgot to mention in the video, but sometimes it can mean "I (secretly) think these things about you, too..." (!)
"I don't want to open a can of worms",in reference to let's all call out the flying monkey that physically attacked me. Hmmm,so I ain't even worth a can of worms,huh? Funny,never stopped you from opening a can to start trouble for me. So toxic,love this channel
Absolutely.@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
@stingylizard I'll be doing a video down the road making it clear that FSA can - and at times does - include physical abuse / assaults (I do mention this in my book, 'RSB'). Siblings getting assaulted by a brother or sister and no one is willing to acknowledge that this is 1) abuse and 2) a serious violation that the entire family is responsible for addressing - and stopping.
Thank you for addressing this subject, no one else has so deeply. I'm in tears, I've always known since I was a kid there were weird dynamics amongst me and my siblings. I'm the eldest of 7, with barely a year between each of us. There was a lot of competition for everything, attention, toys, recognition, time. My parent pretty much divided us into two groups, good and in-trouble. We endured torture as scapegoats. Physical, emotional, things no child should endure. As we grew my mother would make siblings complicit in our punishment, by forcing them to spy and report to parents, follow each other to report back to parents, just generally set us up to compete on a insane level. Someone was always in trouble, usually more of a group. So we had the kids being punished for some minor slight of rules being forced to sit in a corner for a day, not allowed food, drink or bathroom, beatings, and restrictions on all activities versus the good children whom were allowed a that we were not.
Unsurprisingly of the 4 living siblings, none of is are close to eachother, two have no contact with anyone. I don't want to fix it, just me.
There are so many tragic elements to this form of abuse (what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA); glad you're here. Here's a resource list in case you would like additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
After my narc mom died I was left out of the will by my narc sister…I get the silence treat for 4 years now from her. She gave the stepbrothers a part of the will and accused me of sexual abusing my sisters son(???) there is a big difference between affection and sexual abuse. But my sister does a nasty smearcampaing behind my back.
Terrible
Sorry to hear it. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am 62 years old and I am still experiencing this. It started in my childhood and continued with my siblings and now with my nephews. It is worse and worse, I pray to God to help me get out of it.
So very sorry to hear this. Linking you to my FSA survivor list in case you are wanting additional support or education on this form of abuse: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources