When the scapegoat helps the golden child
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- Опубліковано 27 жов 2022
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Scapegoats are expected to forget the abuse from the golden child.
The golden child turn into the worst abuser in the family. I am out and I am staying out of the narcissistic family. Abusers don't change.
Same thing here. My gc older brother abuses everyone. I recently found out he is something called a covert narcissist.
Yup. Same happened to me. Always there for them and the abuse from my sibling & yes, the abuse their partners in the same scary way. Painful to walk, yet important to protect me as painful as it is.
Unfortunately this is my family dynamic too
mm, anybody can change. the problem lies in if they want to or not.
@@kvsprr you have to have emotional intelligence to change - in my experience narcs are emotionally illiterate
Scapegoat never easy? That's an Understatement for Many. If you've never been the Scapegoat, you can't comprehend just how Insidious the Abuse is. It's Soul Murder. So many people take their lives from this and so much more needs to be said and done about this. The Truth.
💯💯
Soul murder! That’s a very good description. My mother can depress me for days, after a phone conversation.
The best part is being gaslit into thinking you're behaving like a spoiled brat
@@Big_Humanmy mom always called me spoiled while giving much better treatment to my brothers. How right you are!
I was diagnosed with CPTSD as a scapegoat. My mom has triangulated the family her whole life. I visited mom (narc) she’s like a criticism machine. My brother is a golden child & he’s never had a job or moved out at age 50 but somehow all his misfortunes are MY FAULT.
I used to think my dad was awful because mom triangulated. But she kicked him out & replaced him with my brother.
My mom was the narcissist. My younger brother was the golden child. I was the scapegoat. When we became teenagers my brother would stand up for me. He was embarrassed by the way our mother favored him. We are friends now.
God blessed you w/a great brother. It nice to hear most scapegoats get know support.
Wooow there’re still some genuine people out there, your brother is a good person. Some of the golden children just enjoy that place and don’t care if someone else is treated unfairly to make them comfortable.
We have always been close with my brother, I'm the scapegoat he's the golden child. We supported each other as kids, and we still do.
@@henna7216that is very healthy
@@user-nq9qp4ht4uyes it is good to know. The abusive parent wanted total control, part of that also is to pit their children against one another.
I'm the scapegoat in my family, but my golden child brother is also the truth-teller in our family, so we bonded when we got old enough to realize what was going on. We live together without our parents now. 😊
That makes my heart so happy
You got lucky. Two good seed siblings in one family so the Cain seed narc parent couldn't divide and conquer you.
that is a good brother indeed, lucky for you.
Pretty much sounds like my future life.
This is amazing ❤❤❤❤
My only sibling (sister 2 yrs older) was the golden child, I was the scapegoat. My sister has sadistic tendencies and absolutely loved to watch me get hurt, emotionally, or physically. My mother would mistreat me and my sister would just smirk at me the entire time. I was treated like dirt my whole life. My sister is now a narcissist and we have absolutely no contact. I’m so, so happy now. It’s been 8 years and it is heaven on earth to be rid of her abuse. Now I’m only treated like an actual human, and I’m surrounded by love and respect! This is for anyone who may feel uncomfortable with going no contact. If it’s better for you, do it!
Good for you!!! I can relate. It was once we became adults that I said to my sister (before I had all the narcissistic scapegoat golden child knowledge) “I think our mother told you lots of lies about me…stuff that just wasn’t true”. She never responded. All I heard was crickets. Her silence was my answer….sadly. And now, as I learn and see my sisters true authentic self personality, I’ve backed away from her. And she’s coming to me for help, answers about lots of stuff…especially how to sew. She tries to get me to teach her how to sew via text message. I’m an accomplished seamstress having sewn for the past 50 years. She, never wanted to sew…until now. At 6 ft 1, it’s a challenge for her to get nice clothes. I wouldn’t mind helping her, but it’s not something that can be done via text message. It just seems to me that she tries hard to be me 😱😱. What a shock!!! And poetic justice.
I can completely relate to your situation as I am in the same. I have no contact with my narcissistic family but still find it hard sometimes even though they treat me terribly. I am realizing how happy I am alone however and have felt more successful in my career since doing this and being able to clear my head of all this.
good for you, im curious though my brother i feel got off on me being a scapegoat, i felt completely to blame for my reaction to my family, he wasnt so obvious, but he acted like the family needed protection from me, and he was the savior, he was back in my life a few years ago, but his behavior was always confusing to me...played both sides kind of thing
GREAT Jennifer, stay always allert and trust your gut feelings; they're always right! When someone is too good to be true, run away!!
Soo inspiring❤
You should do a video on "When the scapegoat goes no-contact and turns out to be far more successful than the golden child and the Narcissist combined".
- Karma, A true story ⚖️
Definitely a true story!!!
💯
I’m the scapegoat. My golden child sibling and her partner found themselves without jobs during the pandemic, so we offered for them to move in with us in our brand new home. They were incredibly entitled and basically took over the entire house and I found myself physically shrinking myself to stay out of their way - I spent hours sitting on the floor in my walk-in closet just to have space to myself. It all came to a head at Christmas when I was speaking up (as we scapegoats often do) about a problematic gift I’d received from my grandmother who was not present. My golden child sibling told me to stop talking - in my own home. Ultimately the experience opened my eyes to how she had always treated me and how she’d been trained by my narc-mother to keep me in my role of never believing I was enough, but always being expected to take care of everyone. As soon as they were vaccinated they moved out and I’ve now been no-contact with the whole family for almost a year.
Sounds like my golden child sister who was offered a college education paid ( but not me), I bought her a set of contact lenses, she got everything she wanted. Me, the scape goat, got lied to & triangulated, etc. I even let her live with me for a while & she took over my house where my daughter & I lived in my bedroom to get away from her. Now she rages at me because she accidently told me a lie about something that she doesn't want my history changed - just keep believing the lie because she probably started it. Blocking her!
Same! No contact for a year as well
It’s weird how so many stories are so identical. They will tell you to shut up the moment you speak up for yourself, precisely because of how you say- they’ve been subconsciously trained to take on a role. The other side of the coin is you see it and have a chance to be free, while they will be in the same prison but never know it.
i hate when close family members mainly siblings take us for granted
They are narcissistic democrats. The entire stinking selfish democratic party is made up of narcissist.. entitlement crowd 😅
I'm the scapegoat and I'm dying of kidney failure in my 40's. When my GC brother found out he told me he would give me a kidney for $100k. If the situation was reversed, I would be hounded to no end to give him a kidney to save his life. Unreal these people.
WHAT???!!! Your brother is vile! May God bless and protect you! I too am a scapegoat with CKD 3a. Hang in there. Pray! There must be a way out of your situation! I think once you are on dialysis you can apply for disability automatically. Perhaps that will help you escape from those horrific people.
@@cindy7733 Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I've been on dialysis for 6 years now and am on disability. I don't have anything to do with my family. I made the mistake of wishing my mother a merry christmas and she wrote back to never contact her again as she has her own health problems. I don't need them.
Sending you Good vibes that you obtain a new kidney your surgery is successful you are healthy strong radiant
I’m the Scapegoat. My golden child brother was born to my mom and step father. He was their son together. He got whatever he wanted. I never blamed him. He’s 8 years younger than I am. The issue was my parents let him do anything he wanted. They enabled his bad behaviors. He became a drug addict by the time he was 16. I was long gone by this time but always let him know I’m here for him.
I tried to speak up and tell my parents you can’t give him money. Don’t bail him out of jail. If you keep doing theses things and not get him help things will get worse. He came and lived with me on a couple of occasions…I wouldn’t enable him. He went back to my parents. This went on all the way into his adulthood. The tension built in the house. I went no contact with my parents 7 years ago…mainly because of my mother. My brother remained with them until his 30s. He ended up having his own child (my nephew). My parents started treating him as the golden grandchild while ignoring my children.
My Dad ended up shooting my brother to death last July. Their relationship became so toxic in that house. My brother still on drugs…and fighting with them over my nephew. I think my brother started to finally see things the way they really were. He started to rebel but he still needed them.
I did not get any call about my brothers death. I’m not on Facebook or anything like that. 42 days after his death a childhood neighborhood friend found me to tell me.
It was the worst betrayal ever. They created him and when they got to the point of not liking “the monster” they created they took him away.
My dad claimed self defense. He shot my brother 4 times point blank on their front porch. My mom claimed his story true. My brother was a drug addict but never violent. Still to this day I don’t know if it was self defense or not. I can see my brother doing whatever he could for his son. But nothing in the likes of justifying him being shot…4 times…by his own father.
My dad got off murder charges because Florida is a “Stand Your Ground” giving him the right to shoot on his property if he feels threatened.
I am having a very hard time. I go over everything in my brothers last 32 years all the way to the point that lead up to this. They did myself wrong and they did him wrong. They REFUSE to take any responsibility.
Now I have to figure out a way to move on without any closer. It’s been really difficult.
Anyone who has read this. Thanks for listening. I stayed within my own head for quite awhile. I just started to talk about it…even with my husband.
Edit: The woulda coulda shouldas take over my brain every evening when the world is quiet. Anyone have any advice? I would greatly appreciate it.
Please see a trauma therapist...in person. This is sad
I wish you all the best .I have no idea how I can help you to be honest but my heart goes to you and I feel you pain from afar .in Europe .Hopefully you will heal from all this and I want you to know that ,you are not alone .
I’m trying. My insurance lapsed when I quit my job because of this. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I just started to get back out here in the real world.
I’m searching for work again. I have 2 interviews next week. Potential employers are aware of my work absence and why…
I am hoping to get back on insurance before open enrollment period ends.
Thank you. 🙏
@@joinahmukanangana2993 Thank you, Joinah. Your love and well wishes are so welcomed and appreciated. ❤
My heart goes out to you. My ex-wife counter parented my son and created a golden child out of him, God rest his soul. He didn’t make it to his 36th birthday. He was never made accountable for any of his actions growing up. I’d try to punish him, but she’d always undo any punishments I gave him. He did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I miss him dearly and feel like a complete an utter failure as a parent, but I tried my best. But when you have a spouse and child working together to gaslight you constantly, you begin to give up trying to discipline the child because it makes you look like the bad parent in the eyes of the child. Damn you to Hell Pamela, I hop you’re happy. Your entitlement and narcissism drove him to his early grave.
I was the golden child and my first younger sister was the scapegoat - when she needed me, I was always there for her as a teenager and as an adult. But when I dated a drug-addicted guy with borderline personality disorder, she was VERY supportive to me! Today at ages 60 and 59 we are mutually supportive of each other! We both are in recovery (me in Al-Anon and she from drug abuse) so that has certainly helped immensely! ❤️
🥺
I wish so badly my golden child sibling had your wisdom and insight.
Love to hear that you have both managed to overcome this trauma bond - that takes hard work and a lot of love
I would really like a real relationship w my sis - it’s never going to happen cuz one person can’t make it happen. I’m never really going to know my family and they will never really know me
Wow! great story!
My brother was the golden child. I'm the scapegoat. He got sick and no one out of my family would help him. I was there for him and when he became terminally ill and passed away I got attacked and treated like trash for it. They came and plundered his resources and blamed me for everything. Telling me I'm such a bad person. Thanks for this video.
wow! it goes to show how abusers refuse to change! they are sick and troubled souls.
... yep, at a family funeral my golden child younger sister came up to me as I sat at the table, and went to hand me a plate saying 'can you put this on the table', she could have easily done it from where she was standing, I automatically replied ' what did your last servant die of ?' After that she sulked and never spoke to me again.
Sound`s like you dodged a bullet. When they use the silent treatment/ghost us, is the time to implement a " total decluttering" of the narcissist. That is block them online, on the phone, burn the pictures, get new rutines/rituals that have nothing to do with the narcissist. Also have a plan to what to say when they hoover ( they will at some point hoover even after years). A sentence like " I don`t want to have anything to do with you, have a good day". Memories it. We may think that they have forgotten us, but reality is that they NEVER forget. They don`t think of us at all when they have supply from other sources, but when these are depleted ( they will), then they will take us " down from the shelve" and do the hoover.
LMAO, what a COMEBACK! 😂😂😂
Wow! This is my sister EVERY opportunity she gets, i don't even live with her but it's the first thing she does when I see her - "you have do this.." do that" I thought it was just me overthinking it...
😂😂😂😂😂 Oh man, I know what that’s like. Great comeback 😂
@@ajfx7367 same :/
I was the scapegoat. I went no-contact, but unfortunately couldn't afford to move away, so I've been forced to deal with stalking and attempts to force me into contact.
My sib is the golden child and never really grew out of that mindset. It effectively destroyed her first marriage because she's little more than a money grubbing bully, now.
Unfortunately, I was never really able to get up on my feet. No help, no money, no support and a list of health problems with roots to my childhood. I felt so guilty for not being able to give my kids a fuller family, but now that they're older, I'm so deeply thankful that I was at least able to keep those monsters away from them and they seem to be well-adjusted and genuinely love each other.
I regret not doing that with my older children. So glad it worked out great for you and your children. ❤❤❤
We have the same experience
I also felt like I never been able to give my own children the love they needed because of the abuse I experienced in my childhood and the pain I'm carrying all the way through,my children are also victims
My sister (golden child) reached out to me in 2015 after I had estranged myself from the family due to FSA for about 10 years. I thought maybe things had changed because she really needed help and I helped her. Looking back on it, I know it was just a trap to get me back into the family sphere to keep me in the scapegoat role. Since I had left, she had become the scapegoat by my family. It was good for a few years but after I came back, the focus was on me again. I reached out to her a few years later for help for a similar reason, and she had the audacity to try to gaslight me. So I cut them off again in 2019 knowing nothing had fundamentally changed. I blame myself a lot for going back even though I know I shouldn’t have. I’m still trying to re-heal from the abuse I endured for those 4 years, even though I felt like I had already healed before she contacted me the first time. I shouldn’t have started contact again, they didn’t change.
How has it been since 2019? I've recently gone no contact and by narcissistic sister has been trying to gaslight me back to the sphere of abuse.
One of my family members asked me if I thought I would ever "make up" with the narcissistic sibling that I went no contact with. I replied that this was more than a fight. This was me protecting myself from this person and they would have to get help for their problem before I would even consider that, and they would have to correct the lies that they told about me. So, probably not.
@@p.w.352 Let’s be honest, they won’t change. And it’s not worth your time to try to make up with them. You made the right decision.
I know the value of knowing "what if". Think about the peace of mind you gained by not wondering about what would have happened if you didn't help her in the first place. You wanted to know, and now you know. Nobody can take away your hard gained truths. I am sorry for the new pain, but congrats on your bravery and strength to take the risk. You came back out again! 💪
@@artifundio1 I appreciate this reply so much thank you.
What you said, Dr. Ramani, about going no-contact with my family...I wish I would have done that when I graduated high school like I was planning to. I look at the mistake of not following through as being the most destructive decision of my life. Problem is that back then there was no one encouraging me to do that.
To all the young scapegoats out there...seriously consider going no-contact. Hanging around them will only bring you down.
Yes!! I stuck around their negativity and hate for 60 yrs!! Leave as soon as you can!! DO NOT STICK AROUND TO GET CRAPPED ON!
I also did cut off my shitty family and my anxiety almost went away the same day! Please toss them out if they don’t treat you like you deserve!
@@daynapeterson9033 I did for 60 years too. I wish I’d realized what was really going on earlier in my life and not internalized the narcissistic scapegoating behaviors towards me. The internalization led to a lifetime of depression and a lot of physical health manifestations. My no contact growing up was staying in my bedroom. As an adult, I walk away…usually to my bedroom. I wish I’d moved away and went completely no contact for my health’s sake.
I still remember the daunting feeling of imagining living voluntarily without a family. Recognizing I have always been alone anyways was hard. But I really had nothing to lose bc I never had them. They could always count on me, but not the other way around. When I went no contact I started one day at a time. No expectations. And for me it wasn't that hard. At least not after doing a little burrial ritual.
In a bit of soil I put candles, stones and flowers. I wrote their names in pieces of paper and sayd a kind of a prayer. I had writen a letter I read out loud just for myself. Afterwards I burned all the papers and buried the ashes in the soil. As the days went by I felt calmer and calmer. Doing things for my own happiness and self respect is getting easier everyday.
In two weeks will be 4 years since I started living for me and not for them. I am still pretty much alone, but slowly making friends and getting to know if they can be long term friends and trustworthy friends... I am in no rush.
I want to have a partner and fall in love, but, maybe I am not healed enough yet.
I trust the mystery 🙌 and I'll keep on breathing as long as I can.
Sticking around is also the worst decision of my life. Also everyone told me to work it out. Wtf. My gut told me to run. I should have listened to myself. I also advise NC to people in these situations. Unfortunately, social norms look down upon NC. Well, you know what? Social norms are toxic, racist and sexist. Screw all that jazz.
I'm the family scapegoat. The golden child was the oldest boy who my father went all out to put through college. He always kept his distance from me, like I was an untouchable. I went no contact with my six siblings because I got tired of being blamed for everything. I'm well educated, at my expense, and am one of the most successful in the family. My one brother is about as successful. I think my success was difficult for them to take, plus I went through years of therapy to overcome all the abuse dumped on me and will not put up with their abuse any longer. Which is why I went no contact with them all. They can live in their dysfunctional world without me.
Yes, the Golden Child wanted help with repairing and cleaning my mother’s house (also a narcissist and a hoarder). When we started doing the work he started attacking everyone. He denied that we had done anything and took credit for our work. Then he moved into her house after everything was repaired (she was in a nursing home). I no longer speak to him.
My sister was my Mom's golden child. In the end she turned on everyone, including my Mom. She did what your brother did, and put my Mom in a nursing home after taking over her house. She destroyed everything. I haven't spoken to her in years, and I am still trying to heal from the betrayal. I'm sorry you had to go through that because their is nothing worse than betrayal by your own blood.
@@shelley7975 he didn’t put her there but he certainly did not seem to have much interest in her leaving until it made financial sense for him (complicated story). She now lives back in her house and contacts me so she can talk about how great he and his family are. She also tries to use me to get things for him, and acts like he is a victim. I don’t talk to her much either. I am sorry for your experience Shelley. It sounds similar. Yes, he destroyed everything. We did not have much of an extended family but he ruined whatever was left and talks badly about absolutely everyone. I’m just trying to live a good life despite all of this and protect my own kids from it.
I'm sorry 😪
Exactly how they are.
Sorry, Alisa. We understand that feeling. Thank goodness we’re self aware and able to recognize the situation. It took me 30 years to even realize how badly I had been treated. I have no contact with my only sibling, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hugs to you ❤
I believe the golden child in my family is a narcissist herself. I''m the scapegoat, and I finally have comprehended how deep this still goes, even though I'm almost 60. She has smeared me, and feels she is entitled to humiliate me by exposing my failings (many perceived only by her) while twisting them to seem much worse than they were. She would never come to me for help because that would break her facade of being better than me. When she moved into a new home, she had all my relatives come to move her, while suggesting to them that I would not help. She never asked me to help, and I even asked her why. She blew me off, but she also tries to isolate me from other family members. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I am no contact with her now. I can't see how I can ever have a healthy relationship with her, and despite all that has happened, I feel really sad about that.
Mom is my mean girl sister. She likes it that way. I do not.
My sister is exactly like my narcissistic step dad. I’m the scapegoat. It hurts so much, but I’m over it. I think I have to go no contact to be able to move forward & become more free & at peace
My golden child sibling was encouraged to treat me poorly. Eventually she just did it without conscience because she believed I deserved it. I am a senior now. What concerns me, is that the scapegoats I have been aware of tend to not live as long as their golden child counterparts.Many have died of either suicide, addiction, or just sort of wasted away from degenerative conditions. This is a life long condition. I know we want to believe there will be a balancing out later and the scapegoat does better than the golden child, I have witnessed mostly the opposite. However, it depends on what you are measuring. Scapegoats often do not do as well socially or financially or professionally because they have been denied the resources to do so, but their character and values are far superior to many.
I’m a senior too, and you’ve hit the nail on the head. I tried so hard for years, but the damage was life encompassing!
Now; I’m just a shadow awaiting the end of my suffering, tortured by memories, and praying for an early death ( but NOT at the hands of the Canadian Euthanasia Squad)!
Besides; narcissism has become a global epidemic, who wants to live in a world like that anyway!
It's actually very interesting. Kind of mirrors "poor vs rich" but on more localized scale..
However through the right education we can become empowered and break the cycle of ending up addicts, suicidal or depressed.We can thrive as empowered empaths and be victors not victims 💪
@@lindagithaiga1974 Like I said, their personalities and values are all superior but by their nature, they will always be targeted and often not succeed in professional or social settings. It depends on how you measure success.
Scapegoating leads to self-neglect. Therapy, and the realization that you have value and matter, really help.
I've quit smoking, lost sixty pounds, now go to the gym 3 to 5 times a week, and am a completely ripped 53 year old man whose (yes, I'm bragging; I deserve to after all the work I've put in) smoking middle-aged hotness turns heads on the street. I look 35, tops.
Treat yourself well, and demand your value. You're worth it, L.
I have helped the golden child loads over the decades, financially and emotionally. I only found out recently that none of this help was ever acknowledged to anyone else in the family and I was being portrayed as the needy one - so sick. I know better than to even ask for help. I still get scapegoated for stuff that happens even when I am not there!
It's sickening. I experienced the same in my family. No matter how much you give and sacrifice its never enough. The best thing is to cut chords and focus on ourselves. Sending you much love beautiful soul❤
It doesn’t matter how they react to you, you have done your job well.
I’m in the same boat. I want to go no contact
My brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. He was very loving to me and the only one who hugged me or kissed me on the cheek. I wouldn’t had known any affection if it weren’t for him. When my mom went on a fit, he’d always try to calm her down, but if she was looking for me, he taught me where to hide. I remember being about 6 or 7 and asking him why my mom always went after me. He smiled sadly, patted my head, and said, “Because you’re the weakest.” I didn’t care that he was the golden child, because he was the only one that showed he cared about me. Everyone else after awhile allowed the abuse because it was better me than them. Then others took their anger out on me too. He never did. He never once picked on me, hit me, kicked me, or called me names. He always wanted me to be brave, strong, and loving. He died when I was 15, him at 19. Luckily by then, my mom just left me isolated, but I went through a lot of mental issues losing the only one who showed he cared and having no one to turn to.
Since my parents passed over in 2020, It has become very clear who and what was wrongfully projected on me my whole life by siblings... I now have 0% concern that I was too harsh by taking distance from them in my 20s. I'm now in my mid 40s 😇 completely at peace with myself.
This has very much been my experience also!
I wish I had done this in my twenties.
@@cara3204 me too!
Congrats to you… gives me hope❤
I was the scapegoat who moved away. Last year the narcissist mother died and the fraud she and my older sister committed about the house was revealed by my lawyer. He advised me to warn my golden child brother. I sent the details with a covering letter strongly suggesting he get independent legal advice. When I went to visit he slammed the door in my face.
He will be part of the cult, beyond my help, a true believer until the day he dies . I feel nothing but pity for him and gratitude that I am free.
Exactly. Scapegoat gets the worst, and creepy "golden child" is nothing but a horrifying monster, while the scapegoat is actually INNOCENT.
I was the scapegoat child in a highly abusive narcissistic family. My older brother was a narcissistic golden child bully who ironically became a physician (just like our narcissist father). It was important for them to have a career that portrayed them as compassionate, noble people, even though they are anything but. In childhood, I had saved my brother's life twice (he is diabetic) yet all I got from him in return was bullying. I have lived a life of poverty while my narcissistic family enjoyed the spoils of excessive wealth. I have since gone no contact with my brother and father.
My crazy, drug addicted, socially apt author friend once challenged me to speak to a stranger on the train. Within a couple of months i had been to visit family and on my way home on the train I chose a seat, pretty much at random. The guy Infront of me had a bottle of wine in his jacket which lead me to strike up a conversation... It was uneasy at first, like he didn't want to partake so I left him but he turned back to me and told me that his mum was in a bad way, he was visiting her regularly at the hospital. We spoke for that entire train journey. He had a career as some kind of doctors, made big bucks, lived in the part of town with the houses that cost 2-3x the amount of everyone else's. Well he told me about happiness and quality of life and if you don't have happiness within yourself, you'll just be killing yourself in a big house or a fancy car or a small house or a low cost car.
A Carl Jung quote is - and I don't want anyone to take this out of context, knowledge of self is close to godliness - "most people don't know god because they haven't looked low enough" and I rate that to some lesser or greater degree that you, and others like us, will know what this means, maybe even bring a little smile to our moment.
If your family is like mine, they have the wealth but they squander it on vanity, food that kills them, who knows what else. I'd rather live like a human from my cerebral cortex than ever destroy my humanity to the state of a lizard because conflict exciting the fight-or-flight reptilian brain is the best thing a bully can do with their higher functions.
I was the scapegoat with two older sisters. The oldest was the golden child, the middle sister was my oldest sisters "scout" and also a scapegoat. Our parents put all their time and treasure into my "golden" sister who was mean spirited and was very abusive especially to me the youngest. I chosen no contact in 2020 and I am now feeling better about myself and more whole. I will never ever go back. I am 68 yrs old and wasted so much of my life thinking it would get better...NOT! I love your channel as it is giving me clarity and support and I thank you for that. I have also been in on going psychotherapy since my 20's and I am a strong advocate of mental health. BTW I have a good solid loving marriage with a few bumps, but we have been together for 44 years. 😄❤
My dad is the golden child. Once I started seeing the cycles way back when, I made sure he knew. My relationship with him will always be complicated but I’m so proud of the strides he’s made. Now he’s reconnecting with his exiled sister. He knows what his parents did to her was wrong and has been doing the work to repair that relationship.
My other sister was The Golden child and I was the scapegoat. Yeah she bullied me and she abused me, she even said she who's going to kill me. She tried to suffocate me three times in my childhood before I was 10.
My sister felt like she was entitled to whatever I had and she would take it from me. She was a malignant narcissist bent on destroying my life. After my mother died I just felt that there was something bad she was going to try to do to me like another smear campaign. So I told her I was going to pray for her cuz she needed it. I told her to prepare her heart for God that He was coming to judge her. I went no contact and slammed the door. That same year 2021 2 days before Thanksgiving my daughter gave birth to my first grandson.❤ And two days after Thanksgiving my sister died of COVID-19 and I felt relief. Because now I can enjoy life
I learned to document EVERYTHING about the Narc.
Don't ever let them find out that you're doing it, until you're ready to leave, or make your move.
Sage Advice
Its hard to have gone no contact when for years i actually believed everything was my fault and 'whereever i am peoples lives get worse' i am 70 now and so thankful for all this teaching to put everything in perspective and feel understood
The golden child was the only one who mattered in my mother's perception of things. As she was the oldest, she patterned my mother's neglect of the rest of the children in the family, except for the baby who 'earned' her a lot of positive attention from her friends (peer group); the baby was a unique doll or toy she had that the rest of them didn't. As for me, my mother NEVER had time for me....her time was reserved for anything and everything my older sister needed or wanted: her time for me was arranged around ordering me to attend to the hard chores...cooking, cleaning up, laundry, mopping floors, etc. I was never a child: i was a household slave. To this day all any member of my family wants is for me to do something for them that they don't want to do for thenselves. The oldest often told me that "when we grew up, she would have a lot of money and would pay me to cook and do her housekeeping." I haven't spoken to her in nearly 25 years now and, no, she never would have paid me a single cent for what she believed she could bully me out of for free. Ha. I truly never concerned myself with wills or inheritances because it was just understood that as a human being I was merely 'collateral damage' from a disintegrating marital relationship between my parents. All they have ever done is push me away from them unless they needed to use me for some reason. Just not going back into that environment.
My sister (the scapegoat) and I (the golden child) did become great allies a few years ago. We soon realized that our mother was playing us against each other (one of her favourite sports) and others in the family. It was then that my sis and I began to talk and realize that we could have each other’s back, separate what our mother said/did and go on with our lives. The sad part is that my sis died a couple of years ago and our mother is still alive and is still the Queen of the Narcs. My sis and I really did love and support each other and I’m so glad we “found” each other before she died. Thank you Doc for all your doing .
As the scapegoat, my value to parents was to support their golden child. I was to be her side-kick without needing any other identity. If I did not immediately jump to her rescue or engage in her life, parents would rage at me. After she got what I helped her with, my status would go back to the bottom again. I went No Contact four years ago. My life got so much better. However, I heard GC had a stroke last year. I also heard she was blaming me for "abandoning her". I think some GC's never learn how to adjust or self-regulate.
I'm a golden child that also is a truth teller. I ended up moving away and it's the best thing i ever did. I always feel guilty about how my scapegoat older brother turned out. He stayed by the family. I'm always reaching out and offer friendship and support, he's very closed emotionally for everyone, struggles with substance abuse and unhealthy relationships. My brother doesn't understand that hid dad screwed him up and still lookes up to him hoping to get approval. Growing up I got the better end than my brother and my mom and I won't ever forgive my dad for this imbalance!
Why don’t you apologise for being the Golden Child???
@@andrewcombe8907 I did. Unfortunately, my brother doesn't see any problem in the way our dad brought us up and keeps defending his ways. My brother is very trauma bonded with our dad.
Scapegoat here 🙋🏻♀️ Can I just say you are a TOTAL BADASS?! “My” golden child and I have always been close, she is really a great person and about 95% of the time she managed to outsmart the triangulation intended to play us against each other. I’m happy you got out, and I really hope the same for her. I want her to be free from all the pressures inherent in her role.
This is exactly what happened in our family. The golden child walked away from it all seeing how toxic it was and became the truth teller. All he did was make good grades in school, and that happened to be what the narcissist valued most. And since his brother and sister struggled in that arena, tag he was it. It actually gave him so much stress and anxiety. It’s ultimately the narcissist’s fault when they try to pit their kids against each other.
You are rare
So true! I was the scapegoat for 60 yrs!! I am independent, married a great man and had a great 40 yr career. My golden child brother had his wings clipped by our narc mother. She funneled 100k to him throughout his adulthood. He has been divorced twice, is an alcoholic, a pathological liar, lost his only child in a custody battle, has a wife in the home and a girlfriend in another town. He got fired from his job, he's 57 now and living off our 88 yr old narc mommy. Pretty wild how these things end up. He has zero coping skills and will be calling me when it comes time to bury her because he just can't handle it. She cut me out of the estate when I went no-contact 6 months ago. He is sooo afraid she'll have to go to the nursing home because that will cut into HIS inheritance.
My step mother does this! Refused to allow my father to go to a nursing home exactly why... HER money. My father set up a money market account for "his" children. It was all cute when he started it with just $1,000 per child. Well, 30 years and only 3 kid's of his alive (my dad is 92) now that account has $100,000 per child . Now? She made him go to the bank and remove it all, put into another account in HER name.
If my other two siblings fight this cool. But, I want zero to do with anyone of them nor HER.
Wow, sounds almost identical to my story. Its mind blowing how you can relate with so many people on here!!
@@lorireed8046 unreal. She is a monster who knows exactly what that money was earmarked for! God will take care of her.
@@daynapeterson9033 That's my hope.
@@daynapeterson9033 It was in my oldest sister and the youngest brother's name with my father... That's why she only had him move the money and couldn't close the account. To close it she needed all 3 signatures.
I recently tried to shed light to my sibling about how I had been scapegoated by him and the rest of my family and how he was the golden child in our situation. To no surprise, I was met with no response. It’s terribly difficult for me to be at peace with how I have been treated in the family dynamic, however I’ve been fortunate enough to thrive outside of those relationships by surrounding myself with loving, beautiful people… and I’ve just recently been offered a wonderful job! Even without a family, there’s hope for a full life outside of the abuse.
Go thrive! Go thrive! I you can leave it behind, forth and thrive!
Good luck to you.
Scapegoat here🙋🏽♀️ my older brother was the golden child, but luckily he never turned into a narcissist himself, he just denies my reality about how my childhood was. It makes me feel crazy sometimes, but my mother always saw how hard I had it and she kept me grounded
Same! My brother and I are 8years apart. He was not there for my childhood. He couldn’t see for the longest time how differently we were treated. It was so frustrating.
Did your parents get other family members to look at you as the “bad kid”? Mine did. Even my own grandparents who I’d see once a year treated me differently because of how my parents would betray me. I was the problem…oh but it was not my parent’s parenting. 🤯 I was so little and couldn’t defend myself.
@@ShaeLaughter so I had two different family dynamics. My real dad is a grandiose narcissist, so he would make his whole family seem perfect from the outside because he thought he was perfect, but at home he was invalidating of me because I was “just like my mom” and he and my brother would gang up against me until I would cry, then they would laugh and make fun of me for being so weak because “they were just joking”
My stepdad was very much a communal narcissist, so he and his family had to look perfect from the outside as well, but at home I was constantly being blamed for all the money problems and why he wasnt where he wanted to be in life and on and on. I would get screamed at everyday, it was the first thing he did when he got home, but he always made sure nobody was around to see it, so nobody ever believed me
Denying reality IS gaslighting.
@@Pfsif oh for sure, but I wouldn’t consider him a bad person or a narcissist because he doesn’t have any of those qualities, I think he just wants the approval from our father and never saw what happened between me and my stepdad. His reality is different than mine and he can’t see it so he denies it because it’s easier to think somebody is being dramatic over the people you look up to being shitty
I left home at 14 and live in a different state. I'm LC with my GC sister. Any conversation (rare) with her about how we (or I) were treated in childhood is met with a pause and vague, "I don't remember that."
Either she really doesn't remember and represses things as a coping mechanism (hence, she's stayed enmeshed and keeps going back for abuse) or it is a form of gaslighting. Life's too short for me to spend time on that jury sorting that out. Cheers! Be well!
I grew up as the scapegoat and later in life befriended a golden child. She was nonstop doer and expected help on her schedule and terms. She demanded to be thanked for every favor she did for others. She became the one who "knew best" and demanded that everyone do her bidding. Snarky remarks were frequent. She had this way of doing good for others, but always expecting a pay back. I would love a video from you going into more detail about this sort of friendship and how it plays out.
My sister was the golden child and i was the scapegoat. i joined the military and moved far away. i learned about this part of narcasstic families in therapy in 2012. my sister is seeking therapy now and I showed her this concept and therapy and she said it’s ironically spot on. i hope she gets some relief through therapy. we’ve become closer talking about it all 🫶🏻 i pray for the others out there
Ugh, I'm the entire family's scapegoat and not allowed to have an opinion or talk back. The golden child cousin was always demanding help (and my parents would scream and punish me into doing it). Useless, wasted time and money of mine when I had little to none and just met with increasing demands. As an adult, "No" was simply met with more screaming and arguing and I finally just walked out with some language that's not repeatable.
I felt like a cardboard cutout whose job was to be the punching bag. I'm so much more than that and worth so much more. That cousin has since passed...and I absolutely confess without guilt that I'm glad he's dead. My life is easier. I'm still the scapegoat, but there's no golden child any longer. And I still use unrepeatable language and just don't care any more. They have no hold over me.
Scapegoat here! BTW ART saved my life.
I can relate!
My younger golden sibling was never ashamed about the privileges, actually took the most advantage of it, and aligned with the false narratives.
It has happened to me several times 😂. My older brother (golden child) use to treat me so bad! I mean awful! Whenever I would tell the truth about our mother’s toxic behavior to other people in the family, he would invalidate my feelings but validate my mom feelings. What’s strange to me is how he always talked bad about our mother behind closed doors then kiss up to her in public. But my my my have the tables turned. As the scapegoat adult, I’m proud to say that I’ve completely beat the odds. Not only did I beat the odds, I have things that money can’t buy such as happiness and peace. My brother is constantly asking me how do I have so much peace and joy now and how can he get it too? He can’t find peace and joy. I guess being the golden child isn’t what he thought it would be especially when he realized that our narcissist mother’s love is also conditional to him too as long as she’s benefiting something.
The best video I have ever seen about scapegoats and golden children. As a scapegoat who blindly use to help their ungrateful golden child sister in adulthood, I really resonated with everything that was said in this video. Went no-contact almost a year ago and it was the best decision I ever made. She’s no longer draining me mentally, emotionally, or financially and life is peaceful now. Sometimes, no-contact may be the only way out. It’s hard in the beginning due to likely being trauma bonded but it definitely gets easier to maintain no-contact over time.
I'm not the scapegoat, I'm the invisible one, but my golden child sister is having a rough time -lots of anxiety attacks and issues with her teenager son. She reaches out to everyone for help, constantly, and I do it sometimes but from a distance. My boundaries are keeping me safe from being suck into disfunctionality again, even though sometimes I feel guilty that I am healing and building a life and she isn't. I am moving to another country all by myself soon, even if they resent me for it.
I was the scape goat and little sister was the golden child... But in the end we were each only worth our skills and utilities for our narcissist parents... I am an accountant/financial expert and little sis is a doctor, and that is what we were worth. Free medical and financial help to our parents. I'm no contact and had to dich the golden child holding the bag for all the crazy.
I just fell off the golden child throne and got written out of my father's will. I was crushed. I called the scapegoat and she has been treated like this by him all along. The pain almost killed me but she is much more resilient.
I was the scapegoat/truth teller, and my sister was the golden child. Our mom was an early 60's feminist who hated men, and I reminded her of her husband, the one she hated most of all. My main value to "the family" (our mom) was that I didn't recieve any medical treatment unless it was completely life-threatening, whereas my sister got cosmetic orthodontia (braces). I needed them too but couldn't get them. I injured my back so badly I couldn't walk for a week, and mom just folded the couch out into a bed and helped me get in it and fed me chicken soup (my only medical treatment) until I was able to get up. She had promised to take me to a hospital for x-rays and examination/treatment as soon as I could walk (didn't occur to me it should have been immediately), but when I could, she said I was fine now and didn't need any treatment, and that people with back pain just need to learn to live with it. I still have terrible back problems to this day, and I'm sixty now. But I am extremely resilient and self-reliant. When I reminded mom of this later in life she got very angry and claimed she had never done or said anything like that, and that she never would.
When we became adults my sister and I stopped communicating for the most part, though on those occasions when we did see each other we weren't really antagonistic until something set her off (it didn't take much). The main times we had to interact were on the death of my mother and then her sister (our aunt). We were again able to get along well, until she went off on some minor thing each time. But remarkably, she kept claiming to have been the worse-treated child! She developed a victimhood complex when she was very young, and a great compassion for animals. This developed into activism when she was an adult.
She's very successful, but I can always see the spoiled brat in her-out of touch with reality and living in a bubble of nasty self-entitlement.
Yikes sounds like she’s tormented. You’ve done well proud of you ❤️🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing.
A lot of what you wrote mirrored my own experience.
I went “no contact” with all of my family(except occasional contact with my grandparents) when I was 17.
I was pulled back into the family when my grandfather died and I moved back to the area to be a full time carer for my grandmother some 20 plus years later.My golden child sister used that time to love bomb,gaslight, manipulate and play victim.
I wish I had these validating video then!
I moved back to my home (200 miles from them)after 18 months of being in the family. 6 months later my only child was murdered - I was broken and my golden child sibling chose then to up the pain and become horrifically abusive.
I was left with no other option but to cut all ties with “ family” after my only child’s death.
Like you I feel resilient and self reliant and I will NEVER have anything more to do with any of that toxic family.
Again, thank you for sharing. We stand together x
@@summer7125
The weird thing was that the day after our mom died my sister asked me if I had ever looked into what happens to the children of narcissistic parents. When I got home I started googling and that's when I began this journey of learning, from a comment she made. So surreal!
True!! My golden sibling is both kind and narcissistic. It's even worse it's so confusing. I am the scapegoat who made it in life, career and otherwise but not my golden sibling became of her ego and entitlement. Trust me I don't even share good news, promotions, growth, personal relationships, even I dress down in family gatherings to protect myself from their jelocy and verbal abuse. When I try helping them l- they saves their asses on my cost and ensure leaving me drained and exhausted and remember that help as a favour they did for me. I have stopped helping now.
Please tell me you’re distancing yourself or at least going no contact, you deserve better
@@n.g.l. hey thanks! My therapist is too good ya - she helped me develop such strong self love and self-concept that my narcissistic sibling and mother's presence does not bother me at all.
My oldest brother was the golden child; I was the scapegoat. He was/is cruel, and I had it drilled into my head to cater to him. As adults I’ve distanced myself and am doing well, but my brother is floundering. His only relationship skill is throwing his weight around, so consequently not many friends or family are interested in a relationship with him anymore. He hasn’t asked me for help, but both he and our mother hold me responsible for his unhappiness. If I didn’t know better I’d say that’s scapegoating lol
as a "scapegoat who did well", it never gets easier b/c parents & siblings resent your success. My golden-child sister hates my medical degree more than she hates me. She always has an acid (& hurtful) comment whenever I get a compliment in her presence. My mother was "embarassed" by the medals I won in varsity swimming as a teenager, which is a quite different reaction abt the prizes my sister won in piano competitions. Whenever someone would give a positive comment when I was accepted to med school, she would reply "she can be whatever she wants", but never showed nor expressed a gram of pride of my achievements, So, to all scapegoats of this world, I am sure you learned a long time ago not to expect praise; do whatever you want to do for yourself & yourself only.
If the scapegoat turns to the golden child for help, well, that's a masterclass in humiliation 🎯
I do help her even now. I cook for her when she unwell. But when she is well, she forgets all about it. I remember being really unwell during Covid, non of them even ask me how I felt or if I needed anything, till the day mom was supposed to be hospitalised and they needed the insurance cover that I took for them. That was the point when my father asked if I was unwell. For god sake I know you’re fake,dad. Please stop acting. I purchased that insurance for you and you will have it.
This described my (scapegoat) husband's relationship with his (golden child) sister. She's in her 40's, never finished school, never worked, has always had their mom or as she puts it, "dumb" guys to give her things. He was always loving and supportive of her, but when she wasn't showing the same toward me, they became estranged. We didn't see her for many years, but bc our kids love hers, we decided to give her (yet) another chance. When we wouldn't give her any money the relationship quickly went sour and we are again estranged. Now that she doesn't have anyone to mooch off of, she is insisting her 16 & 18 year old boys to get a job to support her despite her never have done that for them. Those poor kids...
Those kids will learn with time…so sad
I am the scapegoat, well I was but not anymore, I now have no contact. The golden child went thru cancer and I was there for her for an entire year, cooked for her, listened to her, comforted her, showered her with gifts. I went overboard only to be discarded and ghosted because I moved away after her clear diagnosis and I refused to give her some of my personal belongings she was asking for before I moved. She acted as if I was dying and wanted more from me..I learned a very valuable lesson for the last time. My wicked siblings have no access to me and never will again. With Gods help I am finally healing and with His help I will NEVER go back to any of them. They rally around my adult children to try and hurt me. It did hurt at first but if my kids want to have something to do with my abusers then they can’t have me. I’m taking care of me, finally! Thank you for your videos❤
That’s happened and happens to me. My partner and I took money out our 410K to help my brother not lose his apartment and he was completely disrespectful, ungrateful, and cold. I’m the oldest of eight and the only one with a parent with a criminal background.
I was always expected to drop everything for them, Cinderella syndrome
Yes, I would help all the time, and they would cuss me out and disrespect me in my own house in front of my children as an adult. My parents enable them, get smear campaigned by them, and the parents still take up for them. It's sad, but I'm glad I see it for what it is now. Dr. Ramani thank you so much for your videos. You are helping so many. I wish you many many blessings!
One of the hardest things about being the scapegoat of my maternal family was their denying my reality or the truth really. They created someone a lot weaker and more helpless than I was. I got out and went no contact. What amazed me is how far some of them went to still keep me in their lives. It didn't work, though. Keeping me down was, it seemed, their reason for living. I am so grateful I was able to go no contact and look for peace.
Yes asking my golden child sibling for help never went well for me. For me it was a humiliating and dehumanizing experience.
My brother and I were children of a fragile narcissist and a golden child. Two of the most toxic people I have ever known. Sadly my brother lived his entire life as the scapegoat. When he died at 18 he was turned into the golden child. I was always the invisible child but after his death, I bounced between that and being a scapegoat. It's been a horrible and sickening situation for decades. I've never talked about it with anyone.
It sounds an awful situation.. It might be helpful to speak in therapy ✨
Growing up, my brother had always been the golden child. He could do no wrong. He received praise after praise and he did so much better than I ever did in school. He was the cool one, the smart one, the one with awesome friends. I was always told to be more like my brother throughout my adolescence and in front of relatives my narcissistic parent would always point to him as the family's pride and joy, and me as the outcast. Even at school, teachers would compare me to my brilliant brother.
I never asked my brother how he felt about being the golden child, and he never taunted me about it, or bullied me, but he would try to justify my narcissistic parent's point of view. After high school, I left home and I stayed away for almost 10 years. My brother did get all the financial privileges, while I had to work a couple of jobs to pay for my own education.
That period of me being away from home and having to rebuild my own life in a foreign country helped me to connect with people who became more of a family to me than my own family. It gave me a sense of what healthy families look like, even though I continue to struggle with fear of intimacy even to this day.
As adults, my brother, the golden child, somewhat lost his shine little by little. He became mediocre in almost all aspects of his life, always struggling to discover what he wanted out of life; while I felt like life gave me all sorts of opportunities and opened many doors for me to attain my own version of success. In our conversations as adults, my brother often told me how lucky I was, how life had dealt me better cards than it did him, and that I shouldn't forget the family's role in my own success.
My brother got married at 26 to a woman who has an identical personality with our narcissistic parent. Then, at 28, my brother was diagnosed with kidney failure. After nearly 10 years of being away, I came home to spend time with my brother, even when I knew it meant I had to come home to the house that had brought me so much pain. My Kryptonite, as you said. Medical expenses and procedures became our circle of hell. Having to worry about him all the time was a huge part of that. He never became the person he wanted to be, nor did he ever enjoy his life as he thought he would when he imagined it as a young adult. His relationship with his wife was almost similar to my relationship with our narcissistic parent. He died at the age of 37.
I am now five years older than him, which always feels strange to me. I am also now the primary caretaker of our narcissistic parent and, as such, have become the only child. My deceased brother continues to overshadow my relationship with our narcissistic parent, but the intensity lessens with every year that goes by. My relationship with our narcissistic parent has gotten better with time, in that I have learned to forgive the past and try to understand the root of her troubles, and the pain she too had had to carry from her own childhood, which remained unresolved.
But there are aspects of my life that remain dark and untouchable: my desire to please, my tendency to reject healthy relationships, my inability to let people come close to me, and my habit of pushing people away at the slightest sign of rejection. I have been raised to believe that my life is only worthy if I spend it on/for other people; and that my wants and needs are never relevant. I am fiercely independent. Some say, I am invincible -- because I project strength and calmness. But this is only because I never let anyone see the broken pieces inside me.
Your videos have given me clarity, and strength. I will continue to process this. Thank you.
47 yrs as the scapegoat and i thank god for that! My GC younger sister (shes the youngest of 4 girls, im the oldest). She is narcissistic, a terrible mother, an addict, a user, and abuser. Just like our mother. Their lives are identical in the hate they have for the world and the people in it. They are shallow and sadistic. They have left a path of destruction throughout their lives and will probably die very lonely and bitter. She is the only one still in contact w our mother while my other sisters and i are trying our best to help mother her now young adult children. She doesnt realize she was manipulated as well as the rest of us, just in a different way. Its evident one of her children will likely follow this path as well. When will the cycle end? It makes me feel hopeless for them. Im grateful i was given a gift of discernment and my children benefitted from it
My oldest brother is the golden child and im the sacapegoat. He always looked out for me, just not in front of my narc mom. When i got married, he cried. He has a good heart and soul.
aww that’s really sweet i’m happy y’all were able to connect. I’m a scapegoat with also a golden child older brother. I was the one to figure my mother’s covert narcissism out and put all the pieces together. My brothers in sober living across the country because he went to rehab. Before he went away he had many fights with my mom and i realized it was because he hated being controlled by her. My sister knows about my mom now too and we’re just figuring out a way we can group call my brother and try to see if he felt the narcissism too
My situation was odd. At 11, my mom married my step-dad. As an adult, he and I became close and we referred to each other as a dad and daughter. When my younger step-brother came to live with us when I was 12, not even close. He was never wrong, and I got blamed for anything that went wrong. My mom was fortunately a very fair person and not blind to my faults (or my older siblings that were on their own by then). My step-dad would listen to no one except his son. It was to the point where if I bought something with my own money, son had to have it as well and didn't even have to work for it.
Step brother moved across country. I stayed close to my parents and helped them as they got older. My step-dad became my pop and was the only grandpa they had. Pop learned that they could count on me to be there to help (or simply spending time with them), not with my hand out. I was the one Pop wanted when he hurt himself, or to honestly want my opinion.
When my mom died, we continued to be close. I helped him learn to do things that my mom did or would show up in the late evening to reprogram his remote control.
When I talked to my step-brother, it was checking on material things. Money, or things that he would inherit.
Pop remarried and we remained close. Step-brother would call Pop and literally ask how his inheritance was.
Pop got Cancer and through the illness his wife took wonderful care of him and he was as healthy as he could be and happy.
Step-brother would call and ask how Pop was. I told him that he was well cared for and happy. "What about the money?" I would just tell him that as long as he wasn't incapacitated, well cared for and happy, it wasn't our business.
When Pop died, all I heard was I get everything, I'm blood. I just wanted my pop back.
He stopped calling me when I wouldn't help bully Pop (or his widow) about money. I refused to play his game.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I resonated so much with this! I’ve known I was the scapegoat (black sheep) my entire life. After a lifetime of feeling like I just couldn’t make the cut, I picked up and moved 4500kms away. My ‘golden child’ sister refuses to believe we were raised differently, instead accusing me of being ‘stubborn as usual’. I truly believe my so-called ‘stubbornness’ is my family’s way of blaming me for not conforming rather than considering my side of things. I dislike being labeled as ‘stubborn’ because I interpret it as a symptom of unmet needs and an unwillingness to conform to abuse.
I was the scapegoat. The youngest brother /golden child was favored by the mother, the father noticed and told her so. To this day, I am now 60 years old, the golden child figures he has the right, and duty to treat me badly as the program dictates by the mother. When I told the golden child, the abuse has got to stop, mom was wrong, He yelled back, " Mom wasn't wrong". (I stay away for my own health and safety). What a mother, they had 11 children. The father was a wife beater and child beater etc. etc... I can actually say she did more damage.
I'm the scapegoat, and my brother who is a literal genius was the golden child. He wasn't aware of just how bad things were for me until he saw my moms narcissistic traits in a recent family ending event. We've been really lucky, cause even though we had such different experiences, we've never hated each other. My mom would try to turn us against each other, but I've always loved him, and never said "why me"... just unconditional love for my bro. I'm out, and NC to with the toxic family, life is so much better.
I can’t help but thinking about Prince Harry and His older brother William and how this is a dynamic they are involved in…
Almost…Meghan has become the scapegoat.
Maybe
I was the 6th of 7 children on a farm.
Mum also ran a sub post office with a small grocery shop.
We were all expected to pull our weight doing chores.
Only now, nearly 50yrs later after a chat with another sister, we realised that one older sister was the golden child.
She never seemed to help with household or farm chores ..she was good looking, was a good dancer and was the shining light.
Being almost 10 yrs older than me, I have no recollection of her ever minding me or being even present in my childhood.
When the house was extended, she got the new bedroom ....and she put her name plaque on the door. She got the 3rd level educaction ...and went on to marry
a narcissist...she's quite fragile and histrionic in the relationship..a lot of sparks!!
When I was younger, the only way to get attention from my narc father was to impress him with any musical abilities.... and I knew that well.
Just a few years ago, my golden child sister wanted to make a family CD.of trad. music. She hadn't great musical ability to be honest.
It all had to be done in a hurry because she was off on holiday.
I was rushed into a studio ...
forcing me to exclude another sister in the group. I've been secretly angry since
because I felt used to make this golden child shine.....and I should have delayed to include everyone.
She craves attention and is highly competitive and does not like being corrected.. She has tried on a few occasions to dominate a music group which I had led for 8 years...belittling the content and changing the schedule to suit her.. . Etc etc .
I was the scapegoat. My sibling was the golden child and the other was treated like the golden child, but was abused too. I was programmed to help EVERYONE, so I was always on the go. The golden child was given the world and every help was held over my head. No more. No contact.
Growing up I was the youngest and the scapegoat for my mom and older sister. My sister was a manipulative narcissist and made my life a living hell. She blamed me for everything and and labeled me as a liar before I even knew what the word meant in order to not be the scapegoat herself. My single mother was an abusive neglectful complex narcissist and all four of her children, including me, were deeply damaged. My oldest sister committed suicide years ago, my brother dropped contact years ago, and my other sister was a raging alcoholic until she drank herself into liver failure four years ago. I knew how troubled our childhood was and knew why she drank but somehow I thought as adults things would be different. I visited her in the hospital everyday and made her special nutritional smoothies, I even offered up a piece of my liver for transplant. I supported her, bought her new clothes, only to have her turn and stab me in the back once again. My sister has turned our mom against me, who then turned the whole family against me, no big loss they're all jerks, but it still hurt. Now at 60, my sister has somehow made a miraculous recovery and is expected to live until one of her other various illnesses kill her, but unfortunately for her she lost her only remaining sibling, me.
I'm the scapegoat and golden child at the same time. My Mom is jealous of me. I'm the oldest child
It's strange how this turns up when I need it.
Thank you so much for this one.
I feel the same
Same, perfect timing ! I realized about 2 days ago that my first cousins actually got 90% of our grandparents' assets.. me, I got a check that could have paid my tuition in college that my npd mother had managed to spend while I was still a kid, of course... so the whiney, victimy, poor me cousins actually got 2 already built houses plus about 7 pieces of land.. never crossed my mind it was that lopsided..
All the stories are so identical! Scapegoats give, give and give and narcissists take, take and take!!! Attention, admiration, availability, services, sex, support, money, favors, your space, your time, your life, your everything. And give pain and suffering in return without any remorse.
As a scapegoated child, I have struggled for the most part of my life and I want to take this moment to tell you, you were the catalyst for positive change in my life. I have not only overcome depression and cut ties with my family, I am actually happy for the first time in my life, after several decades of depression. You were the one that taught me, that I am allowed to have boundaries, that I am allowed to hold on to my perception. I have gone from not knowing who I am, to knowing who I am, what I want and how not give a c...p if others don't understand my decisions. Not only that, but I have decided to spread the message and become a coach for toxic relationships/ narcissistic abuse survivors myself. I want to change other people's lives, like you changed my life. I am forever grateful ❤❤❤
This scapegoat is OUT and away! 😊
I am most definitely the scapegoat. I didn't even know I was being gas lighted throughout most of my adult life. I removed myself from my family the day I turned 18. Exactly like you mentioned in this video, the golden child of our family needed help badly. Even though I hadn't spoken to him for years I helped him. I'm glad I did but he told our mother to apologize to me and in her messed up way she emailed and said what she thought was an apology just to appease my brother. It was a pathetic pointing blame at others and claiming she was unaware of things apology like usual and just getting that email from her, even though I chose not to reply, felt like kryptonite. I'm glad my brother and I are working on having a healthy relationship now but I just can't let her back in she is so toxic to my well being. He said I should say what I need to say to her before it's too late and I regret it but honestly I don't think she will ever really hear what I need to say and it will do more harm to me than good.
I am the scapegoat, most definitely. And all through my life I've tried to help the Golden Child with things and its been devastating. When our father wasn't well, he showed up for me to take care of. I hadn't seen him in a few years and the relationship was estranged to say the least. I cared for him the best I could and it's been costly. I've had the golden child call me and say it's my fault he passed, ect. I'm at a turning point in my life where I'm accepting that my family is unhealthy. If I stay engaged in these relationships, it will not be healthy for me. It's so hard to have the courage to let go. The truth is I can't make my family healthy by myself. Staying in it make me more sick. I've been Journaling and that's help me clear my head and sort the things that I tend to distort with my trauma bonding behavior patterns. I'd simply rather be alone than to be with a family that makes me feel alone. Thank you Dr Ramani. You've helped me in more ways than you'll ever know.
Scapegoat reporting here. Success for me definitely started with moving far far away. Found a partner who has his own trauma but through deep therapy and work we are creating a fruitful life. Career success from moving away was inevitable.
My brother became the golden child, after my mom died when I was 23, I began to react even more as my siblings married narcissistic types. I struggled with alcohol issues for a while, then got help for family issues, of course it got worse as I did. I am the oldest and most sensitive.
I pulled away as my brother with his first wife damaged some relationships I had, and especially any credibility I had. For 30 yrs. I struggled with self- doubt, anxiety, fear of speaking the truth and trusting myself. I have read a lot, became a teacher, written articles, but still that pain is so deep, many people don't understand it.
I am grateful I did pull away. I did have contact after my grandfather died in 2005, it was terrible, in 2008 my uncle died, I was once close too, I wasn’t told of his illness. In 2022, I have been cut out of wills whereas my golden child brother has profited from these relationships, and keeping their illnesses and deaths from me. My, relationship with him is a strange one. I have had some contact with him in the last 2 years as my father was in a coma. But everything is like a secret, or it’s like business with him. I can’t help but think he maintained relationships with these narcissistic members because of the estates, or to be the family hero, or to feed his ego, as I maintained relationships with others.
Now all the narcissistics’ are gone from that generation. I have contact with my mom’s second husband, his family. They love me but they don't understand the damage, being an empath, loving person, this can have. Now I am questioning whether I should contact this brother again, I never got to know his children, why he chose to push me out over them. Maybe, he will never understand or can, my other brother he is quite abusive, I have no contact with him. I know he suffered, but I wish for both of them love in their life.
I must protect myself from them as I feel pulled into this other world, where I have no credibility, I am inferior, I am to blame for everything. I still feel invalidated and traumatized when I am pulled into this distorted- view, they colluded to create of me. When all I was, was just concerned as there was so much abuse. I struggled financially, I never told anyone, I managed to get a degree, I ended up with leukemia but I still work, it's for little compensation as I am living in a developing country. But I feel okay with my decision to pull away and start a new life, try to live for today. I do feel resentment towards him, which they tell me is not healthy. But financially he has profited substantially, whereas I have struggled and still struggle and he has absolutely no empathy for me. It is unlikely that I will have a close relationship with him, it is uncomfortable for me to speak with him, we seem so far apart, and I doubt he will ever see it, from an outside perspective.
Helping my 'Golden child' sister was what helped me see these roles in my family.
My sister left her daughter for 6mo's for drugs & guys. My mother & I were basically forced to care for my young neice. I was killing it at parenting & my mother, for once, treated me so well without my sister around. It felt so good, i was excelling in multiple ways. But sure enough, when my sister eventually returned, they all turned on me & suddenly i was the bad guy, the punching bag again & at fault for my sister leaving. They act like what I did/have done was nothing, when I have been helping my sister with her daughter since the day she was born. It completely crushed me & broke my heart.
It's been 1.5yrs now & my entire life has spiralled out of control. My family hate me, i loathe myself more than ever & it is now my biggest regret ever helping my family. I've lost nothing short of everything for it.
Do they care that I'm struggling now & need help?? -NOPE!!😂
But what kills me most is that my neice has now jumped on the bandwagon & turned on me too.😔
My boyfriend is the scapegoat of his family. His little brother is the golden child and was given everything from their parents, especially from their mom. The golden child is currently unsuccessful and the scapegoat is very successful. Their mom pressured the scapegoat to call in favors with his colleagues to get the golden child a position at the scapegoat child’s workplace. But even with that favor being made by the scapegoat sibling, the golden child didn’t follow up in a timely manner and lost the job opportunity… Now the scapegoat just lazily plays video games all day and doesn’t try to look for jobs. So even with the help of the scapegoat, the golden child in this case doesn’t have the drive, will, or discipline to become something he never was - a functional independent person.
Now I realise why I was always ignored and hungry as a child, why I was always yelled at for no reason, why my sister is always spying on me, why going to school, I have to look for old shoes and stuff from my siblings and why my siblings always know their place at home, have money for comics, lunch, better clothes, my sis even when on vacations with my mom in the past. Glad I'm out of the house!
One of the golden adult child ended up taking money from my parents continuously. Most of them now resent my mother now that she is old and feeble. They want to guilt trip and gaslight me into caring for her. I keep my distance, keep quiet and isolate myself from this toxicity.
I once was called by one golden child to 'view' his apartment and I ended up cleaning the place for him, because I do love my siblings. My sister (another golden child) did not do anything. She just takes some good utensils and stuff. Looking back, I wonder why I have so little self awareness and pride.
this is my life story! in my support group for eldest immigrant daughters, this is most of our experience. There is generally no empathy for us from our younger golden siblings (who don't see or understand how much responsibility we take on, especially for their care) or parents. I think this is a pretty common problem in lots of brown communities
Could you do a video on the scapegoat invisible child becoming a narcissist? Because I think that’s what happened to my sister. She thinks because she was the scapegoat that gives her automatic moral high ground to treat people the exact same way that our parents treat all of us.
Sounds like my sister, she became something evil when the estate came due.
So true Baroness! We do need to know about this side of the scapegoat because it can and does happen.
We are dealing with this unique paradigm. The scapegoat finally figured it out and calls the bs out and is no longer afraid. Now, the Golden Child (Man) has been staying and is riddled with anxiety. He has a fear of failure, because the kids were never required to do the basic school work. In fact they were told they have learning disabilities and they did NOT! Layers and Layers of basic life skills have been stolen while he is broken. We are getting him to his doctor and into therapy this week. He’s not a child, so it’s up to him to disclose things that he hasn’t shared with us. I just wished we had someone help us to mitigate this process!
You are not wrong. They will never see you for who you truly are.
She's just brilliant and it's never enough for me to listen to her views and explanation of concepts which she makes so easy to understand.
She is brilliant. This woman should be in charge of a uni psychology department- at a top university.
Thank you for your video Dr. Ramani. I am the first born and the scapegoat because, among other stuffs, I refused to realize my mother’s dream which was me becoming a doctor. I realized by watching your video that probably my mom was wandering which of us between my brother and I will carry this legacy. By the way, neither of my parents are doctors but in my culture (immigrants coming from the Caribbean ), being a doctor is the top one’s can achieve after being God, lol! Anyways, my younger brother has decided to study medicine abroad. And he came back in the country, he couldn’t pass the equivalence exams. It has been almost 8 years he graduated but he can’t practiced. He will be 40 next year and he’s still leaving in our parents house, almost everything is paid for. Meanwhile, I have been able to have my own life, had success in my career, have my own place, etc. But for my parents, it means nothing, it is like if I was a failure. I felt like that for many years. I didn’t get where that feeling was coming from. But now I understand better the dynamic and know that this bad energy is coming from them, not who I was. I have decided when I moved out from their place ( 15 years ago) to minimize our contact, but now with this understanding, I want to go with almost no contact to none because things haven’t really change. I understand that I have suffer from CPTSD almost all my life, but knowing those stuffs helps the healing process. Now, if one day, my brother is reaching out to help, I know what to expect…not much!
I’m the scapegoat woke up at 26 after dating a narcissist for 5 years. Realizing I was just gonna go to my family now I am 27 and one year no contact with my family. A lot of emotions, Alot of crying… But I have been working on myself and my depression is almost completely gone after all those years of feeling like I had a cloud in my brain. Just trying to properly have 100% from this
I found your channel about five years ago, and your content has been extremely helpful along my journey. I often share it with friends who've started their own healing journey. Detaching from my family of origin wasn't easy but the last several years have gotten easier with therapy
I love you Dr. Ramani. You have given me an immense strength to throw away all projections and name calling on me thinking of it as their garbage pail and I'm rising like a Phoenix after going no contact..both me and my husband's are scapegoats. We both helped each other to detach and grow and supported each other while supporting our own blood families from a distance....We worked our asses off, raised our kids n we are ready to go back with power, knowledge and skills and we are ready to knock the narcissist family members with the punch of indifference and standing up for ourselves like a super hero... thank you so much ❤️🙏
I was the golden child but I've always been sensitive n viewed as weak by my family. My dad never physical hit me, but he verbally abused me which emotionally abused me which hurt more n no one could see what was happening. I wasn't raised by my dad, he was around but I was raised by my grandparents. I have always been sensitive n empathetic. N I the golden child after I turned 18 became the scape goat. My biological mother had drug n mental issues. I never have, but my family tries to act like I have sooo many problems n am stupid n crazy.
You have just decribed my life, im the (sensitive) scapegoat youngest of 3 sisters,with less resorces than the other two .1st sis was the golden child (unfortunatly passed away) but didnt want the position .2nd narc sis Demanded the position of the golden child ,I was the scapegoat .
My parents were allways with my siblings living their narative of lovley houses and life styles ,while i raised my 2 sons (from a narc father) on my own .
Now !! My histrionic mum has Alzhiemers, I became her main carer (while working full time) my family stood in the back ground wagging their fingers telling me what I should be doing and never once, did they make one call, to the hospital ,doctor,s etc .
This raised my anger in me that i had to deal with.
Now !! I have no contact with the narc (acholic ,no friends) sister,my anger at my mum has gone .my mental health is finding peace and yes !! My family tried to reach out to me to help them and i said NO !!
my sisters and the golden child never asked me for help but resented that i didn't they always expected me to read their minds. they trained me to be a people pleaser anticipating their needs. the whole family had always grabbed everything away to do things themselves. the message is "if you want something done right you do it yourself" competition and something to prove always surrounded family taskss not teamwork. as the scapegoat i just quit trying and gave over the responsibilities. later in life when i Got boundaries and began to expect respect and people to ask for what the wanted i got blamed more and demonized.
Same!
This describes the relationship between two of my sisters perfectly.
I went no contact, and that's the way it's going to stay. I never did like those people, and I'm happy to be rid of them.
My scapegoat son bears no grudge to his golden child older sister. He knew very early on that she was brainwashed.
Wow. This hit home soooo hard! I’ve been the scapegoat my whole life and my middle sister is the golden child. I constantly was asked to or just would bend over backwards to help her, comfort her, support her, whatever she needed… only to have her physically and mentally abuse me. Since coming out as a trans man…. We’ll let’s just say I haven’t seen either of my sisters in almost 4 years because my NPD father won’t let them (or my mother). My golden child sister gets everything paid for while my family left me to fight homelessness. She gets flown out from the west to the east coast for family events, but I don’t even get an invite. No one who knows both of us like her and it’s been the only thing to signify I’m not crazy and I’m not the “mess up” my family claims me to be. My heart goes out to all of us who deal with this very conditional treatment from our families of origin.