This is a tough topic, and there's a lot of honest stories in the comments. Thanks for sharing your experiences, especially with various law enforcement, to help people make the best decision for themselves.
Hey, Dr. K, since you did a video on what to do as a sexual assault survivor, why don’t you do one about what to do as a false rape accusation survivor? Would be very helpful in changing the perception back to you being unbiased on this issue.
@pimbu936 That's quite the take on how to end this comment. This is about bias? You treat these two issues like they're equal and sides of the same coin?? Really?
10yrs after my SA my assaulter went to the police and filed the report on himself.... and police called me and tried getting me to feel bad for him since the guilt was eating him up🙃🫠 and the case got denied by the DA due to lack of evidence; even though the assaulter told on himself.
He only told the police maybe a quarter of what he did to me and then said "I don't remember that" when the police told him my aide of what happened. And the DA said since he came forward the jury would have sympathy for him and side with him. Mind you: I was 16 at the time and he was in his 40s.
@@haleyyanes4159 Totally on the DA there. Yes it is good he came forwards, but it is also important to move forwards with the case, hopefully you've recovered, acceptance is hard and remember that forgiveness is not necessary, stay strong friend.
Its so sad how youtube basically only wants vlogs, beauty tutorials and maybe a selected handful of science and gaming videos on their platform. Every video that contains a second of copyrighted music? Demonetized. You openly talk about womens bodies? Your fault. Most channels that talk about sensitive topics have to have a patreon or do product placements, there is no other way to make a living out of it :(
I was molested multiple times as a child and I’ve always thought it was weird that I seemingly have no trauma from it. There was some questioning of my sexuality and probably a somewhat unhealthy relationship with sex, but that’s more to do with pornography I think. The conversation around sexual assault is so often focused around trauma that I thought there must be something I’m not seeing, so knowing that my experience is actually very common is quite comforting.
@@catxtrallways Gonna stop you at the whole "boys are more vulnerable to predation than girls". That is straight up false, and I'm sorry for what you went through being retraumatized but it simply isn't true that boys are more vulnerable. Here is why: 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under 18 are assaulted. So girls literally are assaulted far far more (even though boys not reporting is an issue - these are still very skewed stats! Girls also don't report a lot of the time) - thus making them more vulnerable by default. 82% of all victims under 18 are female. 91% of rape victims are women and 9% are male. Even if you argue that men and boys don't report as much (I would personally say it's an almost equal chance for either boys and men or girls and women to not report), that is still EXTREMELY skewed. How are you gonna say that one group is more vulnerable to sexual assault and rape when the statistics are THIS skewed? To where even underreporting would not un-skew these stats? And underreporting happens with both groups, so how much would the numbers really change? And another big issue is that boys are not "less likely" to report - both boys and girls, AND men and women are all very unlikely to report in general. It's getting lower too because the amount of cases even seeing trial is becoming even more dismal - many people (I am one of them) don't bother reporting because they will never see justice anyways (it's like, less than 1% of SA cases ever even see a courtroom?). You are right on everything else! But framing it as "boys are more vulnerable to predation" is straight up absolutely false and is just undermining the *much higher statistic* that is girls being assaulted. Girls and women are far more vulnerable to predation than boys and men simply because it happens to them far far more, history and statistics show us this time and time again they are quite literally more at risk or vulnerable. This doesn't mean boys aren't victims, they are victims just as much as girls are... but it happens a lot more to one group. You were so close, because your points on victim shaming are exact. But that whole "boys are more vulnerable" is quite wrong and pretty unnecessary. SA and rape in general are terrible regardless of who it happens to - but if you're going to bring up who it happens to more and who is more vulnerable, you should at least be correct when doing so.
There is a lot of importance in talking about boys and men being assaulted and raped because it is NOT talked about enough - but it should not be at the expense of girls and women, or anyone else for that matter - particularly factoring in that it happens to girls and women at a much higher percentage, saying that a different group is "more vulnerable" just comes off as minimizing. You can talk about any one group of victims in specific if you wish - but you do not need to undermine one group of victims to talk about another group of victims. Girls and women being more vulnerable by default because they're assaulted far more doesn't mean boys and men are any less of victims, to be very clear on that. It just means they're statistically more likely to have it happen to them (hence, more vulnerable/more at risk). If you by chance meant that boys and men are treated worse by society or are shamed more for it - same answer - definitely not. It's very equal, but it often happens in different ways. Boys and men are shamed the same amount as girls and women - almost every victim will be shamed at some point in some way, even if implicitly or if others do it subconsciously. I have no doubt in that, because society is cruel in general regarding sexual assault and rape and you yourself said that. I've experienced that cruelty too. I don't know anyone who hasn't, men, women and nonbinary people alike. Not a single person out of hundreds. It's universal, as soon as you say anything - you're shamed by SOMEONE even if just one person or a few people. That's just how disgusting humanity is. Hopefully you see this and it makes you think. I do not wish to cause you harm with this or to berate you, but I think it's important to point these things out when they're said so people can realize what they've said. I have not met many people who have been assaulted/raped that have reported anything, women and men alike. Most of us don't want to bother being traumatized again when the conviction rate is less than 1%. I see discussion like that daily, sadly. I'm sorry to say but I think you have a few misconceptions regarding girls and women who are victimized. Because it's very common for us to not report at all, some of us will never even tell anyone out of fear or shame. (Personally? Both fear and shame.) The rest of everything you said was right, and as for your experience I am really sorry. The real shame regarding assaults and rapes is that society doesn't even care to investigate or punish the perpetrators, the majority of victims are just brushed off... so the perpetrators can keep abusing. That's what's really shameful.
@@iverakansol9218 I have real issues with the "not at the expense" argument because its trivial to create some comparison then dismiss all sexual harm to men. Like "there is only so much air time" I guess it depends what you are counting as "expense". If it's like should we do A first or B then maybe that's okay... but I get the feeling it's more like A must be done 10000 times then maybe we do B.
Advocacy is not zero sum. Silencing men only makes it harder for women to get treated, not easier. By erasing men's problems, you only make it harder for men to sympathize with women. That kind of thinking is just rape denial in disguise. You're not saving anyone and you certainly aren't helping women by denying or erasing the existence of male rape survivors. As for OP's topic, I experienced some sexual assault as a child and it didn't traumatize me right away, but it DID hit me pretty hard when I hit puberty and got old enough to understand what they were trying to do to me. As a child I had no context and it came off as badly told toilet humor, but as an adult looking back it scared the shit out of me to know just how vulnerable and unsafe I was.
@@iverakansol9218 men are raped just as much as woman, it's just in a lot of places in the world, being forced to penetrate doesn't count as rape (France is one exemple, UK another one)
Thank you. Please allow me to share the circumstances of Japan and what happens here. If you report a SA to the police, the officer attending to you will most likely be a man (women are often just relegated to traffic). In order to file a report, you will be forced to reenact the SA with a real-sized doll while policemen take photos for evidence. Victims of SA have reported that the reenactment is just as traumatic (or even more) than the assault itself. Also, in order to fully report, you need to be able to prove that you defended yourself-meaning scratches or injuries. Without taking into account many times victims will freeze and not attack (for fear of more brutal treatment). This aspect of the law was highlighted a few years ago when a judge acquitted a man of SAing his own biological daughter (a minor) because she “hadn’t struggled against it.” In a Flower Demo (a protest where victims of SA gathered and talked about their experiences), one victim even reported having gone to the police and the officer there told her to go home, take a shower, and come back when she was calm. She washed away all DNA evidence because she was complying with someone who should’ve protected her. Also, for AMAB victims, they weren’t even recognized as victims by law until 2017 (!!) when the law was amended to include non-PIV assault into its definition. It’s heartbreaking.
As a survivor, that's awful to hear. It literally made me nauseaous to imagine having to play put the sexual abuse I went through on a doll. Really hope Japan makes a lot of changes, for the better, in that area.
Thanks for sharing what’s happening in Japan. People easily lose everything they had for other’s self centered actions and strangely it’s the victims that are considered as the cause of “shame”. Not sure how but I pray it gets better for each person livin here. Love from Japan!
i am stunned,. that is horrible and heartbreaking. i haven't told anyone but one doctor any information of my abuse and SA; and he's gone now. it's hard just having to remember it never mind , talking or acting it out .
"Oh no don't report the family member, they have a wedding coming on in two weeks" Well why did they decide to r/pe someone two weeks before their wedding then and how is that the victim's problem?🙃
i think his example was where the victim was assaulted by an outsider (not a family member) and if they were to report it then they'd make the next couple of weeks about them and not the wedding.
My highschool boyfriend assaulted me nearly every day for 2 years. He would touch me while I was asleep and I had to fight him off when I woke up. He also pushed me into sex when I refused, he would keep nagging until I gave up and then afterwards I felt like a discarded fleshlight. That was 13 years ago, yet I still feel angry and defensive when people touch me or show sexual interest in me.
When I went to the police they told me they can't help me because my ex bf at that time lived in another country. And that was it. He got away with it, all our mutual friends picked his side so I lost ALL my friends and I got a ton of hate from people in a game community because the ex was a "known" topplayer in a game. And the intimacy problem hasn't gotten better for me. This happened about 4 years ago and I can't have sex anymore. It feels bad, scary, gross and it just brings back up memories. I feel bad for my partner because we've been together for over 3 years and we've only tried once but I got triggered. He says he's okay with it but I can't help but feel extremely guilty and bad. Also, I pressed charges against my grandfather a few years ago because I recorded his confession of what he did to me as a child, he only got 18 months to prison :) CSA from my 6th to 12th year of age, I developed cPTSD, borderline, anxiety and he only gets 18 months to prison. I remember a week later I was watching the news and 2 motorbikers got arrested for speeding on a highway and they got 2 years to prison :)))))))))))
@@Gobliness_ Hey Lilith, I'm going to start by saying I honestly don't have any idea of what you have been through. I really do hope you are getting help in the form of councelling and support from the people around you. I really wish the best for you. Take care :)
@@abhigyanbhowmick9238 I've been in and out therapies for the past 15 years, unfortunately haven't found anything yet that has helped, some even made my symptoms worse. At my request, my GP signed me up for getting hospitalised to get a treatment I haven't had before. so hopefully that will finally have some positive change :) Unfortunately I do not have an irl support system. Thank you very much! I appreciate your kind words!! :)
2/3 of the women I've dated and has sexual relations with were sexually assaulted. The panic in their face when things start to heat up the first few times broke my heart knowing what happened
Based on statistics, 1 in 5 women (20%) will experience r4pe in her lifetime, and just over 80% will experience s3xual 4ssault or har4ssment. Also 96.6% of r4pists are male and 93.2% of s3x criminals are male. You claim to have 66% of your partners having been previously 4ssaulted, which is actually BELOW the statistics.... There's not much point to this, it's just a(n un)fun fact.
I worked in the military as a sexual assault advocate, and one of the problems with law enforcement is that they may inadvertently revictimize the survivor through the questions they'll ask trying to gather evidence. Some states or districts also have a mandatory report function if you go to the hospital, where LE is automatically called to attend the scene
No, no, it’s absolutely pertinent that they know what the victim was wearing, how short/revealing was x, y, z article of clothing, etc. /s Makes me wonder if they ask male victims those same questions, that is, if they don’t just outright laugh them out of the station.
@@Omnihilo If you're wondering seriously, they do ask male victims what they were wearing as well. I haven't had one ask whether the clothes were "revealing" or similar value judgements, but I won't discount anyone's experiences of such.
As a male survior i think the information regarding reaching out to medical personell or law enforcment fails to mention that the responses from goverment agencies differ heavily if you aren't a woman. Statistics show that you will most likely not be taken seriously if you reach out to medical staff, law enforcement or mental health professionals, even living in a progressive country like Sweden i felt like the psychologist was offended by me being there, even the response from a family member felt cold and apathetic.
That sucks. I'm sorry you've had such a poor response, even from professionals who should really know better. They've failed you. I hope you're able to heal despite their piss poor response.
@@Cellocurve That wasn't my intention, I said that males are disproportonately not taken seriously compared to women when it specifically comes to sexuall assult, it's a documented fact, I know that women also have bad experiences within theese facilities, I was simply stating that many of the recources available aren't of any help to male survivors.
I was sexually abused for years. From 8-11 years old by someone older. I never knew how it would affect me until I became an adult and had so much difficulty having intimate relationships. I did encounter flashbacks often during sex, it was a horrible and embarrassing experience for me and my partner. When I was younger I used to just think that my abuser was going to pass away at some point and I would feel free. When the abuser did pass away it never went away. I spent years in therapy and using EMDR to get past it. Time to time the flashbacks still come back but definitely not as often. If you’re reading this wondering whether getting help will actually help, trust me it will. It will be a difficult journey to bring the experience back up but you have to do it to bring the closure. My “issue” in my adulthood is that I don’t value sex or have a sexual appetite like other individuals but I’m ok with that. If you need help in gaining motivation to get help, let me know.
my problem isn't a lack of motivation to get help, it's that help is prohibitively expensive (especially when u struggle to function day-to-day aka hold a job) and i live in a region where practitioners have a notoriously high chance of being genuinely cruel, uncaring people, since that's just the dominant culture around here
I feel like this comment was written by me, I was abused by my grandparent for years, never been how should I say, he never went inside me (I'm crying right now and I don't really know why because I am 36 years old now and that disgusting bastard has been dead for years and I kinda healed a lot since I was a kid, I now know it wasn't my fault, I was manipulated and assaulted by my own grandfather plane and simple. But I feel such anger and hate that he got to have a great life and got the death every person would want, died with no pain in bed in his sleep, and he even got to be loved by some of his family, he was viewed as this great parent and grandfather, some don't even know what he was and did, some do, and the ones that to still love him to this day just because to them they were a good father and did nothing to their sons. At least my mom isnt one of them, she hates him and is disgusted by him, but because even so, no one did a thing and he was free and died in his own e bed
Not that I'm thankful of you being assaulted but it relieves me there are other men out there that had this happen. I was 13-15 lost my virginity to an 18 year old high school graduate that only wanted to lose their virginity before college. It then it turned into a heavy sex addiction where I would skip class to visit another much older woman that basically introduced me to really rough bdsm shit and I'd get sodomized that made me feel like I was bi for my whole life because I would come back to it she would also invite her husband into it. The way I got to therapy was not because I seeked it myself but because my mom thought I was skipping classes due to her divorce with my father. It was a really rough time for me and I grew up thinking I was "lucky" because I got laid at a young age as most boomer/late millennial men would tell me. But because of that experience I was never able to have a healthy sexual relationship I had a hard time enjoying sex, I never went to police about it and I'm now 26 and 2 cities away from where I was so I don't feel any purpose pressing charges or anything but it is so fucked that when it happens to a male it is more accepted in society. I'm just fortunate enough that I found a therapist to help me stop continuing that vicious cycle in the first place.
I wish I knew this before. My partner got sexually assaulted a few years ago but they didn't want to go to the police, I didn't know what to do. Things spiraled and they tried to kill themselves with pills and I still feel the guilt of not doing enough to help.
@randoweeb771 Dude, there's a time an place for everything. Telling someone to tell their partner who they already said didn't want to go doesn't help the person. You're coming off as they didn't nag their partner enough and it's the reason why they almost died. Also have you ever tried to make someone go to therapy? What do you do when the person you care about says no? You're not helping, you're just making people feel bad because they didn't handle the situation you "assume" you'd handle perfectly. Besides, this is on a video educating people on what to expect in the process. I think the therapist on the video is more qualified then you about how we're suppose to handle a sexual assault. :/
@@aribraxas6013Hey maybe give them the benefit of the doubt, you are not helping either by calling someone out on trying to help a bit, even if the attempt wasn't the best. You can tell someone they are wrong AND add to the conversation :). Have a nice day.
I've been diagnosed with PTSD with my sexual assault, it is a pain because I'll just randomly relive what happened and get put right back to that fear and guilt and trauma when I was young (7, abused by two of my older cousins). I wish the people around me protected me. I think what hurts more than the sexual assault itself is my family members who brushed it off and excused it.
i was 6 and it was by one of my co.. and i know if i told my so called family would even kick me out if i dare to tell anyone else cuz they already did w other sa case ... sometimes blood means nothing more than genetics and backgroudns , i dont think those kinds of familys deserve our love
It happened to me twice. Once as a child by a male family member and 2nd time was my last toxic ex girlfriend who knew what happened to me as a child and drugged me. I couldn't move or talk, only mumble and she undressed me and under threat forced me to.... get it up and had her way with me. It brought back all the feelings of the first time. I didn't say anything cuz the first time was his word against mine and I didn't think anyone would take my side since I was a kid. The 2nd time was obvious cuz it is a woman who did it and yeah... It is pretty obvious no one would take that seriously.... So yeah, I never went to therapy and I have lots of trust issues and I have difficulty forming bonds with people
That sucks. I'm so sorry you went through that, not just once, but twice..... that's horrible; they're both so horrible for different reasons. I'm wishing you all the best. I hope you're able to heal.
thats so fucked, I'm so sorry. No women or men should go through this shit. It doesn't make it less bad just because it was a woman that did it. thats so not fair
as a survivor, i want to thank you for that section about emotional responses. i can hardly get a break from feelings of guilt around not just what happened, but the fact that i didn't respond in perfect accordance with how you see people like us in the media. i _was_ angry, and i had to hide it alongside all my other emotions because i was in a relationship with the aggressor. i didn't know anger was such a normal response.
I knew of someone that was sexually assaulted after a party and then stole her purse and phone. She went to the police and a detective was assigned her case. They never tracked her cellphone. It should have been so easy to find this person if anyone involved had a clue that a cellphone could be tracked.
I got raped twice Both times by people I thought of as best of friends and one of them even beat the hell out of the first guy... I'm still really broken and have not reported it to police because I wanted to get it over with, I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety. I know I wouldn't be involved in the whole process but the anxiety would eat me alive until I would get the decision from the court especially because I'm a victim of emotional, mental and physical abuse which was happening for the most of my life, I already have a lot on my plate that I can't handle. I can't express how not enough there are specialists in my country to help women and men in my situation and when there are they are very expensive which makes us feel like we are to be used for money. SA is horrible and no one and nothing can prepare you for how the consequences of it will hit your mental, like a truck or a train at full speed.
I was SA'd by someone I thought was my best friend too. Ive been SA'd by others, and I am at a place where I have accepted that and I have healed a lot, but being assaulted by your best friend is a different kind of pain. I don't know if I will ever get over the betrayal. My abuser is dead now, but the pain did not die with him unfortunately.
I was sexually abused as a child for years. I was also sexually assaulted almost two decades ago. It doesn't just go away all at once or if at all. I have been abused in other ways but the sexual stuff is much more evasive. Thanks Dr K with giving all this information because not enough women come forward after an assault.
do you have flashbacks at any point? do you consider you're over it? is it uncomfortable for you to speak about the experience? im sorry that happen to you, nobody deserves that. I was also abused by my own sister when I was 8yo
@@OOOOO0KKKKKKKK I was sexually abused by my uncle on my dads side for at least six years. My brother tried to rape me once and asked if I would have sex with him twice when I was a teenager. I still have dreams from time to time about my my brother. There are so many things that Dr K didn't go over when it comes to sexual assault. Oh if he could have me on. I still struggle with feeling like I'm just an object not a real person. My flashbacks are more emotional. This topic has surface for me in a hard way in the last year. No one deserves to be handled like this. Our bodies are our ultimate boundary. If we don't have control over our own bodies what do we have control over.
@@tracyzimmerman7912 If we don't have control over our bodies we have control over our minds. That for me was the ultimate boundary. Getting punched in the face is one thing, but being systematically abused for years is another because of the MENTAL trauma of it. Flashbacks being a symptom makes sense due to it being an emotional wound, on top if it possibly being physical. No matter what happens to you or me we have the mental power, I believe in you as I believe in myself. Also I'm 15 and male so take literally everything with a metric ton of salt, I am limited in experience even with my scars. Have an awesome day stranger!
I seriously can't stress enough how happy and greatful I am to come across your channel. To see internet generation being the MAIN target audience of a Psychiatrist is exactly what I needed. I browsed your titles and they're all relevant. I'm just a student so I can't afford any sessions but these videos alone are enough for me. Thank you so much Dr. K ❤️
Could’ve used this back in HS. Not that it personally happened to me, but myself and my group of friends were often approached by females during HS that would disclose that they were either recently SA or had been in the past. Unfortunately we were highly inexperienced as to what to do. All we could tell them was to either call the cops or if the person that committed the crime went to the school we could jump them. They always refused either one. It always put us in a tough spot just having to know the situation and do nothing.
I think another good conversation to have would be the differences/similarities of Sexual Assault, Harassment, and Manipulation, and how to move forward with help for each. I was in an extremely toxic relationship and although I was never 'Assaulted', I was repeatedly Sexually Manipulated and it completely gutted my self-worth, confidence, and eventual ability to be physical or intimate with another person after I was out of the toxic relationship. Honestly, I'm still not fully healed from it and am continuously working through it, it's been a long and confusing process since there doesn't seem to be many resources available for that kind of thing. I believe many people could benefit from hearing your thoughts on this topic. Thanks for all that you do!
i recently had to report my ex for dv at my school. he had a lot of controlling and abusive behavior. after a year i found out that our relationship was never consensual he told me that he was turning 24 this year, but he lied about his age for a year & is 27. i felt like i lost my bodily autonomy & that he did it bc i was a lot younger (21 y/o) & i realized that he is a predator who preyed on my naïveté. i still blame myself, & i shower all the time bc existing in my body feels gross. i cant trust anyone more, and i have no friends. i don’t believe in love anymore, & even if i find someone attractive, the thought of being with someone is extremely repulsive i’m sorry you had to experience that situation. i really hope you have a great journey on your path to healing
@@bxnny0374 Coercion is 100% a form of assault. I guess what I meant was, it's just a lot harder to report since there is no physical evidence. The mind games and manipulation is never seen, and almost always is realized after the fact. A lot of the assaulters get away scot free because how do you quantify something like that. It's your word against theirs, and rarely anyone listens. I don't like going into it in detail, but just to show what this looks like, here's some of what I experienced: - After being treated to a dinner, given a ride somewhere, or anything kind done for me, it was "expected" of me to put out. Whether I wanted to or not, I "owed" him. I was made to feel unappreciative and selfish if I didn't. - Whenever he wanted to be intimate, I had to comply or I'd get an earful. I never had a choice, it was always his way or the highway. - I was repeatedly told "You're not strong enough without me, you can't do this on your own" "If you leave me, You'll lose all your friends" After trying to leave many times, only to be coaxed back because I felt like I was nothing without him. - My sense of self and agency was completely lost. Thinking of myself as his object was so crushing. I wanted nothing more but to be freed from this torture, but I didn't know what to do. - Even years after these events, it's extremely difficult to be physical with someone. I'm still trying to heal, but I'm not sure if I will ever be back to 100% Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.
@@Mewnetics oh, I completely understand that… just because it’s assault, doesn’t mean anyone (COUGHthepoliceCOUGHCOUGH) cares. Even when there is evidence. The system is fucked. I very much understand how it feels to not be believed by all the people who you once thought would protect you. I am truly sorry for what you’ve been through, I hope you find peace. Take care of yourself ❤️
Consent by coercion is NOT consent. Just because you were bullied into letting a man have access to your body without you resisting doesn't make it "not r4pe" and it saddens me that so many victims still think their case wasn't "bad enough" It was bad enough. In fact, the majority of r4pe is perpetrated by someone who the victim knows, and often time it's done through coercive means, such as "I'll divorce you" or "I'll tell your father"
When I was SA'ed on a trip I took with a good friend, I cried in her arms the next morning and told her what happened (I was drugged - I saw the guy I had been dancing with put sth in my drink, I asked him about it, he said he didn't, I believed him and took the drink anyway...), and she just told me that that could not have happened. I 'just' blacked out from drinking too much and made a decision I now regretted. This may have messed me up more than the actual SA and made me thoroughly doubt myself. Thing is, even IF my drink was fine, and i really did 'only' black out, i still told the guy over and over again before that that I had no intention to sleep with him. I never consented, I did the opposite. It doesn't matter whether or not there was something in my drink, I said no, and he made it so that I couldn't say no. But not being able to consent (with a clear mind!) does not mean yes.
im so sorry that happened, also having the friend you think you can trust dismiss your truth like that is so sh1tty... never leave a drink unfinished and unattended at party spots w people
The reactions from people close to you are honestly worse. I was manipulated by my friend while having an OCD crisis, and the reaction from my bf was to tell me it was my fault he tried to off himself (cuz getting SA'd is cheating ig) and then cheat on me. I'm with him now, we broke up for a bit and he realised he was also manipulated sexually with the friend he cheated on me with and was one of those people without reaction, and realized he had misplaced anger on my assaulter. It doesn't excuse it but many people are confused on why I'm still with him. What I needed in that moment was comfort and I got blamed and a second traumatic event. I wish people were more informed about how complex manipulation SA can be so they do not react this way.
@@skullchimes hey dude let's not say stuff about my trauma and who I choose to have in my life, you do not know me lol. I'm glad you would not make my decisions, but telling a survivor of trauma what they "should" have done isn't appropriate.
Im so sorry you had to go through that. It seriously fucks with your brain when people tell you its nothing. I wish when i was SA'd i would have never told anybody. It made everything worse. Even my own mom is sick and tired of me, saying i will never heal.
Unfortunately this sh*t happens very often. It might not be a full blown assault but even forcing yourself on someone a little is assault and this happens way too much :/ there might not be an intercourse involved but still if the guy doesn't stop that's abuse. That's assault.
@Hshs Bshs can you bring a gun anywhere you want? if someone gropes you at a party do you just walk over to your purse, grab your gun, then walk over to whoever harassed you then proceed to gun them down? what do you do if a friend sexually harassed you? do you just shoot them? how does a gun solve anything?
sure, but I do believe the severity and frequency matters to the victim. Relationships are not perfect and people make mistakes even decent people especially if they are inexperienced with romantic/sexual relationships, it also matters if the assualter admits thier fault sincerely and changes from it.
its very sad to see the amount of comments sharing their own experiences. there are so many cases while one case is one too many. I hope everyone who has went through it gets better
I've mostly had friends who are girls/women and it breaks my heart that almsot every one of them had at least one bad story about feeling pressured into sex if not outright denied their right to consent.
Seeing others stories makes my experiences feel so...underwhelming by comparison, yet I feel so much worse of mentally compared to them. The worst part is I know I deserve it much more than anyone else does, yet I'm the one with the mundane and painless experiences
@@cryguy0000 dont be like that. you matter as well. there shouldnt be like a hirearchy of victims cuz what happened to u and others is stil horrible to think abt no matter how tame it was compared to others. dont think like that u deserve the attention too. not everyone has the same mental capacity so its not a huge issue when u need more attention on ur mental health. You matter aswell ok.
Thank you for this topic. As someone who’s been assaulted multiple times, it’s so frustrating to explain to people why I can’t speak up at all and terrified. The amount of self-blame I get for myself for me saying is it’s not my fault always feels like my fault.
I think it's important to differentiate fault and responsibility. Like it is NOT your fault, remember that. But do remember that the responsibility to heal is yours and yours alone. Stay strong friend.
Thank you so much for talking openly about this! I think the immediate culture can dramatically affects how people internalize an assault as well. I know a woman who was in a concentration camp in Poland during WWII. Women were SA'd regularly by guards, but everyone knew, so, when a woman was called into an office, all the women were ready to be there to comfort her after she came back out. The element of shame was completely eliminated (although still a horrific situation). It helps dramatically if the survivor isn't seen as "damaged" or inviting it or anything else like that, and are really believed and immediately comforted as needed.
As gutwrenching as that is, that sounds about right. A lot of the stories I've heard and read talk about how the reaction (or lack thereof) survivors got when they told others about it was just as traumatic (sometimes even more traumatic) than the SA itself. I've never faced SA thankfully, but I know just from growing up with emotional abuse that having people around you who care and who loudly agree that what's happening to you is wrong helps an insane amount. Obviously in an ideal culture it wouldn't happen at all, but in a next-to-ideal culture we could all at least get the support and compassion we need after harassment, manipulation, and/or assault.
I’m glad you shared this… I really think the element of perpetuating shame by my family members was what made the experience more traumatic for me. It was not a family member who did it to me but my family was not at the time capable of giving me the support I needed. They were fighting their own demons and I was convinced I was partially to blame. I now know that’s not the case, and that this was something my parents both experienced as children too and did not even know how to heal themselves. So I forgive them. But the shame is really what digs deep.
@@gbx557 I''m sorry you went through that. I think that many families aren't ready to respond to this. We need a whole cultural shift to make it more comfortable to discuss. It's like, if someone broke into my house, I would tell my neighbours and people would come to help. But after a SA, people aren't prepared to hear about it.
I don't know if this helps anyone, but I watched a video of a guy who had a hell vision. I mostly watched it because it said Hitler in hell. He said Hitler was in an oven and he was super angry. He had the understanding that Hitler had been going through every single bad thing he caused people to go thru. Not just his physical acts or him telling officers to kill Jews or something. Everything that was caused by his influence. Rape, torture, people hiding, children being killed or watching family being killed, etc etc. Every single act was going to happen to Hitler. For the rest of eternity. While also in hell fire. I think that's an acceptable punishment. I also heard another hell testimony by accident, by a guy who was trying to help out this poor homeless woman. He wanted to feed her, let her feel cared for, and let her tell her story. Basically, she was kidnapped and raped at 14, and because it caused her to become pregnant, her family threw her out😡😡😡.... Anyway, he was letting her speak without interrupting, and he had a strong urge to close his eyes. In the split second he closed his eyes, he saw this rapist in hell (she did say he died). He was being raped constantly by a demon whose member was the size of the man, so he was being ripped in half and coming back together again. I only shared for the justice of it. During all of our lifetimes, all the sad misery that the Holocaust was has been constantly happening to Hitler. Every moment of every day we have been alive, and decades before. And that child rapist for at least the last 20 years, repeatedly miserably raped. Sad stuff happens here, but justice is eternal ✌️
I was assaulted as a teen by my uncle and after a while my brain erased that memory, but I was very depressed, anxious and didn't participate in social situations. Sometimes I did hurt myself and it took me years to actually process it and ask for help from a therapist. Now I'm better and really thankful that video like this exists because this is the topic with a lot of stigma around it and that's why many don't know what to do. At least I didn't.
@@larrykav It's so sickening that you're pushing spirituality onto that person’s traumatic experience without even knowing what their religion is or even if they wish to cope with spirituality. Stop doing that, it is psychologically intrusive.
I'm not sure if ANYONE would relate to my story: I'm a trans woman, I was raped 3 years ago by 2 men (strangers that kidnapped me), I slept in their apartment that night and for some reason they decided we all eat breakfast the morning after and somehow decided to drive me back home to my family.... Weird. I did tell my family and wanted nothing more than speaking to the police the same day, so, 2 cases had been filed, one for the rapists and one against me for.... dressing in feminine clothing, I almost went to jail for 6 months but somehow worked it out and only went there for 3 days, and haven't heard anything about the other case, I'm not sure they even filed it at all. Worst part is if a case rises against me again, my head's gone, literally. I was very clueless with how brutal the police is and the laws here in good ol Saudi Arabia. I'm so proud of myself for keeping me alive through all that. (I'm still there so writing this comment is extremely terrifying).
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. This is beyond horrible. I hope you manage to get out of Saudi Arabia into a more accepting place and that your assaulters face punishment
I told my friend on the phone what happened to me the night before while I was living in college dorms, and the RA in my building overheard it because they were visiting a friend off duty in my roommate's room next to me and both of our windows were open. I was forced to meet with the school's Title IX officer. My mom got the email because she was signed into my email at the time (I was newly in college and wanted help with bills) and suddenly my SA spread beyond my control. When I was put in all these conversations and investigations, I was told I had two options. I could investigate through the police where they would need overwhelming evidence (that I didn't go to an ER to document) and 99% certainty that it happened and no evidence that it didn't. Or I could investigate through the school and as long as they have more evidence that it happened than it didn't. I don't understand how there could be evidence for a negative statement, but I decided to take the latter route as I had already had my story told for me (and destroyed my whole reason to avoid speaking up about it) so I did. They took a few weeks, had conversations with others, saw the video of them dragging me drunk into a back room, talked to people who WALKED IN ON THE ACT and determined they as a college couldn't prove enough to take any action. If the police are so helpful and are there to help me I wonder why even official channels like Title IX Investigators at colleges don't recommend it.
My gut reaction to this is that it would benefit the school to convince you to accept an internal investigation that allows them to bury the problem and not deal with the police. I do not trust the input of your Title IX officer. I don't understand why the police and your school being involved were presented as mutually exclusive options. Also, whether or not the police will have enough evidence to charge someone doesn't make collection of evidence pointless. Any data can help inform future investigators. I would have thought a Title IX officer would be the kind of person involved in helping the two systems collaborate and share relevant information so that the maximum benefit can be achieved with minimal burdens on you. I just get a strange impression. If anything seems fishy to you, you may wish to consult the police or a lawyer or anyone else you think may give a broader and independent view of the processes. Whatever is comfortable to you. It sounds like you've had to deal with a lot of hassle so far already.
The school sees it as a potential risk to their reputation. Look at the case with the vietnamese college HUFLIT. It has a long HISTORY with not just SA but R@P3!!!! Earlier this month a student got R worded by multiple soldiers at that f*cked up university, and there was video proof+ the other students could hear the student's screams from outside the f*cking university. They recorded that as well. The university knew about what happened, so it banned getting out of the dorms to prevent the word from getting spread, they also deleted a lot of the evidence from the other students' phones. Long story short, as a result from the tragedy that happened, and not being able to get away from the very place that caused it, all that combined with having her story silenced by every possible way, the poor student just jumped off the building, and passed away. It's a graphic and tragic stoey, but it needs to be spread in order for people to realize just how messed up some of these institutions are. I encourage you to read more about it. I'm really sorry about what happened to you, and I hope it becomes easier to process it with time.
Universities unfortunately are notorious for trying to bury sexual assaults so that they don't get a bad reputation. Please go to the police or consult a lawyer. Just because you went through the uni route at first, doesn't mean you can't still get the law involved.
I’m glad you’re talking about this. The main thing I wished I would’ve known is what consent was and that what happened to me was not my fault and I did not consent to it. I spent years not getting help or telling anyone. That was 2011 and now I am out of work on disability trying to figure out what’s wrong with my body and how to get it to function well enough to work again if it even can. My body is holding so much. I’m in pain all the time and I’m going in circles with doctors, specialists, therapists, physical therapy, psychiatrists with over $6k in medical debt. It’s a mess what one night did to my entire life. I hope people understand that we fail victims and survivors so much at every step of the way. Not teaching consent and healthy boundaries, the police system, the courts, doctors, all the gaslighting medically & mentally from everyone so we don’t even believe ourselves. Edit: Also-look into how many of those kits just sit in evidence rooms for decades. Keep in mind again ppl don’t report like me because they didn’t even know it was assault. Someone put something in my drink. A person I knew. It’s most likely people you know and not strangers that are perpetuating this. I had a horrible experience with an emdr therapist. She did not establish trust with me first, we moved into eye movement the second session and I kept telling her I didn’t think it was helping and she kept telling me it was...I wasted 4 months seeing her and getting more frustrated and hopeless about my healing. I finally found a trauma informed therapist with a PSYD that did a lot of work previously with victims and she’s the one finally helping me the way I need. Can you talk about different routes of therapy for trauma? I didn’t know where to start at first and wasted a lot of time and money and emotional pain working with the wrong people.
this is amazing. I feel so similar from some other forms of abuse. I don't even know if my body can function again. I don't know which way to look with regards to healthcare, therapy, support, legal system, medical system.
yeah, they fail us so much. When it happenned to me I was 16-17 (i dont even remember) and my boyfriend at the time was 23-24, so not only did he assault someone, but that someone was underage. but I didn't know about consent. I remember feeling violated and thinking he r**** me, but I gaslighed myself for years until I finally learned about consent and that it could happen within a relationship (almost 2 years after the relationshio ended). It happenned 8-9 years ago yet to this day I only told my current boyfriend and my therapist about it. that relationship ruined me life in many ways. but we'll all heal eventually, hopefully. to this day I get terrified if I see someone that looks like him on the streets even though we dont even live in the same city anymore
@@jackperry6269 I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar. I wish I had my current therapist at the beginning bc not only did she know what trauma does to a persons brain, body, and life, she also knows resources and is an expert in building people back up from the worst things that could possibly happen to someone. The only solid advice I can give is look for a therapist who goes beyond listing ptsd in their Psychology Today Bio....look for someone who is trauma informed and ask them in (in your initial email or phone consult) what ways have they worked with survivors...see if they’re passionate about it bc I’ve seen a lot who are burnt out and I get it...but if you’re needing trauma therapy you need someone energized and passionate about helping survivors because is going to take both you and the therapist doing a lot of work. I wish you so much healing. You can do this, we can do this❤️
@@TheSarahmns I wish you hadn’t been through that and I’m so sorry someone would be so awful to you. I’m proud of you for sharing what happened with people you trust and seeking help. I have a lot of hope and faith in us survivors...we are so resilient and we can overcome anything. We can heal and have a happier life. I do have health issues but I am so grateful for what is in this life I have and everything I’ve learned along the way even though it was terrible how I learned certain things. I didn’t choose how I got here but I can choose what to do with my life and the experiences I’ve had and I hope to use all this to help other survivors with disabilities. I wish you the best with your healing too❤️
Thank you for speaking about this in a mature and sympathetic manner. A lot of content on this channel seems to be geared more toward a male audience, so videos like this that address issues that primarily affect women are appreciated. The co-op analogy at the end was golden too, lol.
(heavy tw) i wasnt sexually assaulted but groomed on the internet (at the time i was 11, photos were shared, and im still being cyber stalked as a 14-15 year old). I have experienced high arousal for a whole year after the experience and then suddenly? nothing, i couldnt even look at sexual pictures without feelings of needing to puke. I am going to therapy and at some point i got diagnosed by my psychiatrist for ptsd and its all a little better now. But i want to say it wasnt only specifically the experience; It was people saying its my fault, my mom being dissmissive all together, my father being angry not at me but at the person that groomed me, the nightmares, people asking weird or retraumatizing questions, all the abusive relationships that followed because i didnt know what was normal anymore and the worst one, my mom leaving and never talking to me again taking away the person who is SUPPOSED to help me through this because she started a police report that never got anywhere. And now im stuck.
What you went through is sexual abuse and your trauma is valid. Please continue to get help and talk with people, rather thats a therapist or trusted friend. It was not your fault. Sometimes parents don’t know how to process or handle the news perfectly because they’re human, but that doesn’t change the situation.
@@amothwhowrites I wish I could actually say this about my mom,,, sadly her dismissive nature was not just her humanity, I figured out just a month before she acted like she cared and then didn't to not pay the child support :( she has been gone for 2 years and owes us 3 years of child support (she also manipulated and abused me mentally heavily as a child, just as her mother did to her and what my grandma's mom did too.). My father is helping a lot, I go to therapy every two weeks except from holidays and I am getting better. I try to talk to him but I'm scared of older men and he scares me sometimes, but I've been able to talk to my friends about it just fine
You poor kid. I’m around the same age you are and I know an internet stranger probably can’t even fully begin to understand your situation but what I’ll say is that I hope your therapy goes well and that you can find some semblance of real unstained love and peace.
This is hard when the perpetrator was a doctor who's name and face you don't remember bc you were so young. Or when they were your parents who are now dead. There is like, literally nothing I can do to get justice or even let people know how badly my life has been ruined because of it. I just have to live with the symptoms of trauma. When I did tell, no one has believed me, and it's not "legitimate" compared to others assaults because it was abc instead of XYZ harming my private areas. Or my dad wasn't ACTUALLY touching me, he was just watching me privately through my computer in my room. I'm supposed to just... "Forgive" that invasion of privacy while being SHAMED for what they set up uncensored in my room as a child to get addicted to.
I don't have enough context (and you absolutely don't need to provide any), but I will attempt to help you through this, however you need to be willing to change for the better. Ready? Ok, let's go. For starters it would seem that you still want justice and revenge on dead people decades after the incident. Now, I'm going to challenge the idea of justice. Look at the American justice system, you as many others probably think it's stupid, right? People are incarcerated for years and treated like walking piles of shit, leading to them just committing more crime once they are discharged. Now this isn't black and white and people who are prone to committing crimes should be pacified, but trying not to treat them like walking piles of shit is important as that hurts everyone. 1) So step one for you would be analyzing the situation and saying "do I need to pacify this situation?". For you the answer is no as you are not in control of the doctor situation and the parents are now deceased. 2) Step two would be "Should I look for justice" This one is similar to step one but is different as it deals with internal motivation and deep seated anger. The answer for everybody here is no as justice is an expression of anger and leads nowhere if the situation is already pacified (or out of your control). This step is made easier for you because you can't seek justice though, so let's go to step 3! 3) Can I forgive? I believe this is up to you. In my experience forgiveness is optimal, especially if the situation has passed, but acceptance (neutrality) is also fine. The barrier to this one is rage and lack of a problem solving attitude. I can see from this quote from you "I'm supposed to just... 'Forgive' that invasion of privacy while being SHAMED for what they set up uncensored in my room as a child to get addicted to." that you have a good deal of anger and rage surrounding the topic and get pretty angry from other people 'shaming' you for whatever you are now addicted to. We'll get to the addiction part later but what is important is that you are experiencing anger surrounding this and your id (gut instinct) is telling you that these people don't DESERVE forgiveness, while the ego and superego (decision and morality, respectively) are secretly creating conflict in your head as they are the reason that tell you that everyone deserves acceptance, as it is a human right. 4) Aftermath. As you said, these people did things to you that affect you to this very day. Now, in regards to the addiction that you speak of (again you don't need to tell me what it is, that can stay private if you choose) it would seem that others want you to stop it as it harms you and in response you get angry as it was someone else's doing. This step is linked with step 3 as the final step as it involves saying "it is their fault but MY responsibility". You cannot change the fact that your parents did unspeakable things to you, but what you CAN do is stop it with your own two hands and take back your life. This is made a bit easier as all the other steps as you aren't even given the alternative of justice due to the perpetrators being gone. 5) Assuming you have forgiven/accepted and haven taken responsibility with dealing with the aftermath, you are now on the track of healing. If you want any more help, I can talk on Discord if you have one, or just reply to this comment (my Discord is Lantik number 1175 if you have one, but if you don't we can figure something out if you want). Have an awesome day stranger.
@@VicarAmelias I'm guessing you didn't read the whole reply (and I don't blame you lol it was long) but I said essentially what you said, that forgiveness is good but there isn't one way to act and as long as they're happy anything could work (I specifically mentioned acceptance as a great second choice). Anyways thanks for the feedback I'll make it more clear next time!
Replace what your father did with an online hacker; suddenly everyone recognizes what a disgusting invasion it is. I don’t know why but when it’s family, everyone lets them off the hook, people are pathetic. I’m sorry you didn’t get the care or justice you deserve.
@@itsLantik Sorry but your advises are pretty shitty. Your response is part of why I keep my story to myself. Most abusers need to be incarcerated to face what they've done and to protect the victim(s). I can tell you from experience that when someone sexually assault they'll do it again and to multiple people if they can. Those behaviours never stop by themselves. When someone is as confident as to do it at their workplace (the doctor) you can be sure that he has done this to multiple children and will never stop unless facing consequences.
@@chloevaillant9430 I'm sorry that happened to you, truly. I'm also sorry my response wasn't what you guys thought was acceptable. But at the same time you could've tried to add on or help like the other person did instead of just calling it shitty and moving on. Constructive criticism is appreciated, deprecation isnt. Have a nice day.
"hi police? Some random doctor who's name and face I don't remember assaulted me when I was 9, and my dead parents have assaulted me for years starting at 3. What are my options?" "Yeah this was over 20 years ago" "Hello?"
@@DivineLightPaladin More often than not it's the person that child knows (family member or a close family friend) so...Yeah, you certainly should report this and there is nothing to laugh about.
I really love that your approach isn't judgement of either party but instead asking them what they need. I really like this one metaphor from someone about approaching it like moving into a new apartment.
Other psychiatrist and therapist here. I firmly believe that the reaction to the assault doesn't only depend on the persons genetic make up and therefore some kind of inherent resilience. But the reaction is heavily informed by the environment those people have grown up in or actually reside. As Gábor Máthé says "Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you. Trauma is that scarring that makes you less flexible, more rigid, less feeling and more defended." And it can be greatly reduced by a loving, supporting net of friends and family that will not leave you alone in your time of need.
this isn't quite a "wow I was just recently in need of this information" comment but I do have a friend who's a survivor of multiple assaults. I'm always looking for quality info that might help him, thank you Dr K
I was molested by my (not blood-related) uncle when I was 9 years old. i had known him my entire life, and he was my favorite relative, I admired him so much. and then, out of nowhere, he starts touching me and kissing me and i didn't know what to do. this happened multiple times over the course of one week. i didn't really know what sexual assault was, but I felt this wasn't right. but I looked up to him so much that I just started making excuses. "maybe he doesn't know this isn't okay", "maybe this is just his way of showing that he loved me". which of course, is all bullshit because he was the adult in the situation and he should know better than to act the way he did towards a child. still, I didn't tell anyone what happened. i figured it was just normal and i was overreacting. the next week though, my younger cousin, who I believe was 3 at the time, told her mom that our uncle had molested her. everyone in the family was immediately notified, and so my mom asked me if he did the same to me and I told her he had. I always get so mad at myself for never telling anyone while it was happening. my little cousin didn't deserve anything that happened to her, and I told myself that i could of stopped it, that everything was my fault. following these events, police officers came to my house to talk to me, where i had to tell them every detail. my poor 9 year old self was way to distraught to remember everything, however, and so i told them he had only touched me a couple times, when in reality it was many more. after all this, there was an investigation on my "uncle", where they found multiple accounts of him SAing minors and owning child pornography. he was sentenced to 2 years in prison. maybe that's a fair sentence, but I was still haunted by the fact that in 2 years time, he could just do the same thing all over again, plus he knew where I lived and everything, I felt so unsafe. something that isn't talked about enough is how terrifying it is being in the same place where you were molested. for me, he did all of this in my house. sometimes on the couch, sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes in the attic on the bed he slept in. every time i walked into these rooms i was just terrified that all of a sudden he would be there again and everything would happen all over again. anyways, after all this, my mom took me to this sort of therapy-ish facility for kids who have gone through trauma. i would sit in a room with a counselor, who told me there were people watching me through the camera (which scared me, i mean after all of this, being told that a bunch of adults are watching me on camera? awful, but i know it was for a good reason), and then, yet again, having to relive every detail of what happened. even then, i was still telling "white lies", making it seem like the situation wasn't that bad. i went to this place two times i believe, and at the end, they gave me a "souvenir" blanket, which i stuffed away so i wouldn't have to be reminded of all this stuff again. I know people were trying to help me, but honestly, i just wanted to forget everything that happened. i still felt like i did something wrong, that i was at fault. i still had a bunch of gifts from my "uncle", and i simply stuffed them all under my dresser, and hoped i'd never see them again. to this day, i still have flashbacks and nightmares about this situation, and sometimes i still do blame myself. it's a horrible thing to go through, and i know others have gone through so much worse and i'm so sorry for them. no one deserves any of this, it's terrible that so many people have to deal with this shit.
No one should ever have to go through that. I am so sorry that you faced such horror by someone you loved, trusted, and admired. You are not at fault for someone else making the choice to abuse, most especially as a child who was also abused by that person in my opinion. They made that choice and feeling complicit or responsible especially as a young child is just way too much to put on yourself. I can definitely understand that struggle because you were older than your cousin, but you were also a very very young child and no kid (or anyone for that matter) should ever have to be faced with the responsibility of navigating how to stop a monster. I hope you find peace and absolution that you can feel confident in. Sending strength and courage as you continue on your healing journey.
Considering how many victims of all ages and genders are brushed aside or even shamed when they try to report SA, I don't blame anyone who is afraid to do so. I think it's important that this information and advice comes with the sad but honest truth that many of the mechanism for reporting fail the victim, and it's so so so important that we do not create a sense that victim's are at fault if they are afraid to report. Sadly I think sometimes people have a tendency to blame victims for not reporting or reporting too late or whatever, when really it should be up to the victim how they want to proceed and we should support their needs and help them instead of judging them and picking them apart.
Completely right that getting help is Hampton. I remember I was actually assaulted in my 1st semester of University and I reached out to everybody that I could possibly think of at the time period I didn't have a lot of family but I reached out to my Foster family wait I reached out to a biological aunt I reached out to my therapist I reached out to the University itself and I couldn't get any help or support and the University specifically told me don't bother reporting it. They're just gonna say it's your fault and I can tell you're stronger than all the other girls that have come through here so you can just live with it just move on it's not worth it. And honestly I feel mostly okay but I still feel like there are some physical mental issues from it that impact my marriage that I just feel broken like there is nothing i can do.
Immediately after it was sort of hard to comprehend what had happened it just didn't feel real. And I was told just to forget about it so I did up until a few months after when the guy and his family started to harass me and threaten me and that's when everything just snowballed out of control
My experience wasn't even *that* bad but it still impacted me greatly. I wasn't raped, but I was grabbed, pinned, and groped by a guy who I didn't know when I was 12. my mom's reaction was just to tell me that it was the "female experience". she then told me in detail about how she was raped when she was 14. and since then I have been terrified of men, even though I know it's irrational. I can't even be alone in a room with a friend if he's male. and I feel really bad about it. but I've been healing. my partner is a trans woman and she makes me feel so comfortable and safe.
I think resilience is a not so great term. In the end all reactions are the body/mind's attempt to survive and people who have no reaction aren't better or even coping better than others. It took me over 10 years to even understand I'd been SA'd because it was with a girl the same age as me, and it wasn't something that left physical damage. It took me 10 years before the flashbacks started, although I had nightmares about her for years.
@@thekarret2066 If you mean me thank you. Unfortunately I'm in a pretty shit relationship right now and considering divorce- from physical violence to literally lying about therapy for 8 months including fake phone conversations and I'm probably going to regret sharing this online but I'm dissociating hard. Life getting better is an illusion, but you just gotta keep pushing through. There's good and bad times and neither lasts forever. Hope you're having a good time wherever you are in the world.
@@梨-i5l It can get better even if you're having difficulties believing it right now. Took me years but I'm finally happy. As you said nothing is permanent but still things get easier with time, even if the road isn't a straight line. You deserve care and happiness so be kind to yourself and f*k people who aren't. Cutting people off my life because I finally care enough for myself was one of the best decision I ever made. I wish you the best.
I haven't finished the video just yet but I wanted to say, I don't know if you saw my comment specifically for this topic to be done but, thank you. From the ages of 10-17 I was assaulted, molested and harassed by multiple boys and men. Its been a decade since the first instance of abuse, and I actually feel like the past few years have been incredibly healing (no doubt due to my amazing bf and the fact that I dont have to go to high school with awful boys and men anymore) Of course, the more advice and information the better. I love your channel, thank you so much for doing what you do
Oh boy, this is gonna be a really big video for everyone to watch with what happened on twitch recently... as a man I wish I could talk to the 10,000s of young boys, and 100,000s of boys just viewing things on the internet not fully understanding or grasping the severity of the situation that actually want to defend a certain favorite twitch streamer because of the tragedy that occurred possibly affecting reputation, just to make them understand how awful it is being in the shoes of the girls it happens to, how its a lot more important than keeping fame or an empire or whatever, this is a much bigger thing than just one individual & the message we send to society in how we handle it... all the future generations of young men/women ... even though this is a universal thing and they can also be assaulted by grown men or even sexually assaulted by grown women there's another added level of invasion, destroying something that is supposed to be the most intimate act by force when its in a sexual nature, your very being is being disrespected & violated in the worst way. Its traumatizing to even think about knowing real women that personally opened up to me about it in the past at college, to actually go through it... is a tragedy.
i think the reason why a lot of people have their first reaction to be neutral or indifferent is bc sometimes you're just in disbelief that it happened, and your brain will try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened
the thing you said about india recently recognizing marital rape in law, it's not about people not believing you but just that in countries where marital rape is legal marriage is seen as the man owning the woman and being allowed to rape her, if in these places you tell people your husband is forcing you into sex people will believe you cause it's very common there but usually they will shrug it off, say it's not a big deal, that's just the way things are and what you signed up for. and usually they don't consider it rape cause even though it's the same concept they only view it as rape when it's committed by someone you're not married to, and is generally seen as a violation of the man who 'owns' the victim (her father or husband) rather than the victim herself, for dishonoring the family and also making her 'worthless' for marriage as she's not a virgin anymore, sometimes even resulting in the honor killing of the raped victim by her own family. it's all very ingrained in most religions and many cultures. for example the bible says rapists must marry their victims, as 'punishment' and because she is 'worthless' to any other man now but really it's just further punishment for the victim and ensures she will be raped for the rest of her life, and the qu'ran (or one of their other holy books can't remember) also has a verse about how a woman who refuses sex with her husband will be cursed in the morning, and a lot of stuff about child marriage being okay + many other religious examples but you get the idea. it's awesome they finally repealed it in india, i hope it will also be enforced and that all victims of marital rape will be able to get justice, and that all other places where marital rape is still legal will follow suit soon.
Really an amazing lecture. Hope schools can start to equip kids with this info, highlighting the manner in which the patient is in control of the process. I’ve heard time and time again that not pressing charges gets in the way of seeking care.
My partner has been a victim of SA. Thank you for this video, I hope I can use this info to help my partner with healing in any way that I can, if she's comfortable.
I'm still not sure how to categorise what's happened to me. I've been in a relationship for ten years roughly and my partner never physically forced me into any sexual act, but each time I refused, they started argument after argument and were in bad moods and just generally an ashole to me until I caved in and agreed to have sex. Sometimes they even grabbed my private parts and when I complained, said some stuff like: "Oh, at least let me have that if nothing else". This went on for years and my libido declined dramatically over the time, which lead to them getting more and more nasty... never in a physical brutal way, just... psychological terror. I broke up with them some years ago and after a long phase of being absolutely disgusted by anything related to sex I'm again able to actually enjoy it. However, I still can't get an O. through intercourse, only when I'm on my own. I haven't been in a relationship since and I'm not sure I ever will be again. Everything about the thought makes me want to run away immediately. When I grew up there was no internet for me and I had no friends and my family never ever talked about those topics. So I had basically zero knowledge about sex and relationships and only later learned a lot about what consent actually is. (on top of that I'm also autistic and have a hard time judging human behaviour in terms of what's normal and what not). I still don't know what to make of the situation. I obviously don't have any evidence and, knowing my ex, they would just deny everything should I ever tell any authority. I'm not even sure it counts as assault, because my ex was never physically harming me... idk
I have had similar experiences with my partners. i have always had low libido (bordering on ace) and often felt manipulated or guilted into having sex that i didn't really want or enjoy. those relationships never lasted more than 1,5 years, they got bored with me. at this point, i'm not sure i really want to look for a fitting partner. i like the celibate aspect of my single lifestyle, i don't like the lonely aspect of it.
that’s called coerced consent, it is not real consent and i fully believe it’s sexual assault. i’m sorry that happened to you, know there are good people in the world
@@capsulamental Assault implies aggression and violence. This sounds like sexual manipulation instead. It's still bad, but calling it an assault feels like a misnomer to me.
THANK YOU A MILLI DR.K!! This is honestly the most helpful lecture on SA I've ever watched! i unfortunately had friends in college who experienced SA but I never knew the best way to comfort them or provide any substantial guidance after the incident. Just the typical responses "im sorry ___. " "thats horrible" "its not your fault" and just give them a long hug and let them vent. I will definitely rewatch to take notes and share this video with others too :)
Thank you for discussing this topic. There's a wide range of responses a person can have when SA happens to them, and I think that's vital to understanding, despite being talked about very little.
When I was 14, I was SAed by my first boyfriend. But it was non-penetr@ting SA, so all these years I gaslighted myself for years. I didn’t even remember most of that day. “After all, nothing happened.” Now I’m 24, never had a second relation, and now I can see it was SA. But otherwise I have been pretty normal! Listening to other people have similar experiences has given me so much comfort. So much self-acceptance. I didn’t even know how much I was hurting. Thank you for this video.
I’m a 27 year old woman - my mother engaged in several behaviours that are included under child sexual assault. This had terrible consequences in my young adulthood. I was assaulted 2 by strangers, once via drink spiking at a night club. I nearly married a terrible man. I thought it was my fault. I have been followed and harassed by men a lot generally in life as recently as last year I was followed into a toilet. My mother has NPD I’m sure, it was certainly about exerting control as it likely was for the men who assaulted me. Having been estranged for nearly 3 years now, I feel almost healed. I also now have a profound understanding of how childhood victims are often re victimised. I have found my voice now though, I know my value.
@@SilverBlaze1 it became a necessity - I accidentally studied law at university (long story) but it's how I found philosophy and that was a big part of leaving the horrible reality I found myself in. I don't recommend law it's an ethically bankrupt industry. They're not particularly smart either honestly. I do recommend philosophy though - reading widely is key. Never fall to deep into a single author. Although I must say I am a Karl Marx fan girl haha I wish you all the best
I've never felt so comforted by your explanation. I've stayed so far away from ERs unless absolutely necessary. This has brought me so much comfort. Thank you ❤️
Thank you, so much. I could never thank you enough for all your work and this video. I'm in a similarly working country and have first talked about that abuse to another adult (other than my parents, my father being the culprit) just 3 months ago. I've been living with him and my mother even a decade after he first abused me, and the legal system has been responding - i've had a police interview less than a month ago - but we have no idea what's happening, when we're gonna do to court, if he's gonna be imprisonned and when (he has severe physical illnesses and some mental illnesses), what kind of financial help we'll have to maintain the house, if i'll still live with my mother, etc... It helps understand how this trauma affects you. Very well explained, and casually enough to bear it. Get some help everyone, and i insist everyone. If you ever think you might need some, even what you consider minor, do so. I've seen people on the verge of death or suicide think they're okay, or act like it. Even if it's less serious than that, it's better. A therapy session or talking to friends might be the first step to getting better. Take care.
Definitely feeling like I should've done things differently in the various SA situations I've been in. I wish I dared to physically defend myself or call out for help. But I ended up just going into "I have to endure it" mode... I hope I never EVER have to experience anything like it again, but if it does end up happening again, I hope that I will have the clarity of mind to defend myself and make a huge fuss in order to protect myself. At least now I get to work through all the mental BS that those experiences have brought me, together with my psych, so I can hopefully have actual relationships in the future.
I felt a lot of anger after being assaulted. It's kind of comforting to know that most people who have gone through this have also felt that. Thank you for making this video 💙
Thank you for providing an expert perspective on a very important topic that people don't like talking about. Just knowing that I can send people a link if they want more info is incredible. You have just made the world a little better Dr. K.
Thank you so much. After 10 yrs after my SA it finally hit me what had happened. I had too much going on for so long I don't think my brain could handle it.
man thanks a lot for doing this ! I badly need it and is now taking notes just because how impactful your breakdown and now how it just makes sense . thank you , greatly
This is so important to be educated on. When I went through this as a child for the first time it was 2000 and since then society has come so far in discussing and educating on this topic. We also have so far to go. Thanks for being a part of that!
let me tell you how it is in France: I was SA'd and physically beat by an ex. I am American and he is French. when the police came they took him away for 3 nights. I had to go and give my report about two times, the entire thing probably took half a day while they took my report. I had an interpreter. The interpreter immediately told me that because he was French and I am American that the law would protect him, since it protects its own citizens. I also had to have a "confrontation" with him the next day where the police had us basically argue the answer to certain questions about the SA and PA He had brutally beat me to the point that I had bruises all over my body, black eye, choke marks and he got to go to therapy for 6 months. that was the outcome. I don't even think this is in his police record I think this is something that is important for people to know when they're abroad; the law may not necessarily care about you if you're foreign (I had a valid visa, but I'm not French so it doesn't matter)
Thanks for this. I think this will help a lot of people with stigma and common misconceptions. "I should be over this, it's been years!".... Yehhhhh no. Especially if it happened as a kid. There is a lot of internalized shame and working through it helps.
You communicated very delicately and clearly on this. I feel emotional thinking of all the people out there who engage this video and the lifeline this will be if they ever find themselves in a situation. I would’ve made different choices if I’d known this information. It’s so difficult when you’re just a kid, don’t have a cell phone (it was ‘06), couldn’t drive, away from home on a family vacation with a friend of mine’s family in a different state. I didn’t know my options, and like you said, I just had this picture in my head of having to testify in court. Videos like this make a massive difference. If I had known these things I could’ve navigated those hurdles and circumstantial limitations and I would’ve felt a lot more confident to just call the police somehow. Very touched by your efforts here, and how many people this will help to be sure. Thank you!
Mine happened quiet. I just pretended I didn't remember anything, went to sleep and never talked about it until five years later. I think It happened more than one time, but I'm not sure. They were just like really vivid nightmares.
Why don’t they have information like this in schools so that everybody can learn how to handle situations like this? I’d never heard of things such as anonymous testing, and I’d imagine that many other victims haven’t either. The whole experience is terrifying, not to mention the entire question of “where do I go from here?” A lack of information and knowledge about resources only makes the situation more difficult. As a graduating valedictorian this year, I can confirm that more real-world classes would be more so much useful than taking classes like trigonometry.
I actually reported mine to the police. Happened on the subway. The guy was never caught and this was 8 years ago. We even managed to get his photo from security footage and released his photo across all the media outlets in the area. When I reported I was lucky enough to get sympathy and be believed by the cops and the subway employees. I actually just followed up yesterday and talked to the same subway employee that helped me back then who is a woman and then to the investigator (the other investigator during my interview recounting what happened was also a woman). Its an open case right now because nobody came forward to identify him when it was released to the media or no other survivors did either, maybe there isn't any idk. I may never get justice for it and I had to unfortunately accept that. Although I found out what DID happen was because of my situation they installed more cameras on trains, buses, and streetcars. Although that hasn't really done anything because since then the subway system here has gotten notoriously dangerous with random physical violence and SA is still happening, and ridership is way down because people rather not risk it. But what I guess it does do is if someone does get attacked, at the very least they'll have video evidence of the attack if it gets reported to cops which a lot of the ones lately have been.
these what to do if kind of videos are really helpful and informative. please, continue making them. also, a video about EMDR would be really interesting, personally, my practicioner did a really good job with it and the first time i tried i just cried uncontrollably, then peace and acceptance. for me, and i cannot thank him enough, it was the right tool.
As one who has been in that situation, you speak truth my friend. Mine ended with the gift of a sweet, kind, beautiful wee boy. Rory is autistic as am I, but I wouldn’t give him up for anything. He will never know that though . I still have nightmares but I blame on my epilepsy so he doesn’t worry. I am open about what happened to me. Men and women need to know that they aren’t alone. It is a problem in our society. Remember, it’s not your fault; the people who do this have no respect for others and I believe lacking in Empathy: Thanks for posting this. It shows your kindness. That’s great to see. Humanity needs more empathy: we’ll never be able to solve anything without it.
Honestly, SA is nowadays a really traumatizing topic for me, because different from the people in the comment section who know full well they were victims, I simply can't say the same and feel the same they do about their abuser and myself. I felt abused by my last partner in all ways possible: emotionally, verbally and sexually. I'm asexual, she knew, and we engaged sexually because I felt it was the only thing I could do during our relationship together that she liked and could make her be more sweet to me; when was about emotional and psychological well-being, our relationship was so much about her that she would make even my vulnerabilities and sorrows about her. She would invalidate everything I felt if it was caused by her or when she was dealing with something, but I did everything I could to be for her even with all of that. She is a victim of CSA, and that's one of the motives that makes me not want to say that she's an abuser, and also one of the motives that I didn't resist a lot of her sexual advances and would have them myself, even if I hated every second of it, because I wanted to make her feel happy and secure. I felt a sense of responsibility, at the point our relationship was extremelly unilateral. I felt extremelly alone and emotionally numb, but I tought she was the only thing in my life, and the only one that loved me (she and I became closer after one of my suicide attempts, and everyone that I trusted one day had leaved me or she made me believe they didn't care about me), so I just stayed, because even today, I'm unable to believe that anyone could want me in their lifes without wanting something. I would always dissociate from the intercourse and just focus in her kissing me, trying to be and feeling happy that she could be that open to me, try to focus on how good that was for her, that I would be a horrible person for putting up boundaries and talk about it (the times I tried to talk about it, she would simply explode and make me feel guilty, saying that I wanted to make her feel bad and a horrible person, she would talk about her traumas and how that impacted her, so I would comfort her and simply stop trying to talk just to not hurt her feelings). But, after 2 months of our break-up (she was the one who did it), I discovered that in our last time sexually together during our relationship, I SA'd her that day and triggered her childhood abuse, and that was one of the reasons she wanted to break up. Even if I didn't had the intention, I basically made her feel obligated to have sex. At the time, I insisted a lot to it to happen because she was angry with me again and I wanted to compensate her somehow (I talked to I guy she felt jealous of, I'm a girl btw), and any other thing I offered she didn't want (massage, watch something together, talk...); I insisted four times (accordly to her) until she said yes. I felt awful, and I feel awful everyday, because she did this to me and I still didn't forget anything of it, so the fact that I made her feel the same way I did is simply hauting. So, my guilt is heavy, both as a victim and as a unitentional perpetuator. I feel like I don't belong anywere, and all the pain I have I need to deal completely alone. The worst is that when she said about me abusing her, I said sorry a lot of times, that I never would want to make her feel like that, and opened up about how I felt awful that I forced myself to have sex, that I only did it for her and like the other times, I just wanted to make her feel happy. She said that I was >retardedI< started everything that happened. When I tried to talk to her to finally try to solve things in person, she was just so /calm/, like none of the things I said before had happened, and saying all the abuse I suffered in her hands like if she was the one who had gone through then, and I just couldn't even talk of how that was just so disgusting. We had to do a job together one day and we could interact pretty well, but all I could feel was shrivers on how easily her humour changed after having what she wanted. I felt extremely conflituous every day. She abused me, but when I tried to talk about it no one believed me, just a few people, for me being the "man" in the relationship; she says I abused her, people that I talked before become hostile even when they themselves know I'm asexual and the timing she decided to tell about the abuse is just too strange. After saying I SA'd her, she became a "abuse survivor" to some. I trigger so much reading all the comments here, because a lot of them are wrote like something she would write, even if the people here are actual victims. My guilt is worse than ever. I feel disgusting. I feel a guilt of an SA survivor and one of a perpetuator, so I felt horrible even when writing this, because I'm unable to see myself in any category. I just feel pain. No commentary I had read I could see the same kind of experience, so I suspect a lot of people who watched the video could have felt the same kind of shame here and didn't want to share it, feeling a sense of alienation of their experience after seeing all the other comments who can be categorized in such a black-and-white way. It's like all your feelings aren't valid anywhere. I abused my abuser; even if it wasn't my intention, I feel like I'm the same as them, and that makes healing impossible, because I feel I don't deserve to heal.
Hey, I'm sorry about what happened to you by the hands of someone you considered so special You ex definitely needs professional care And if you're able to, you should get it too The feelings you expressed can be very very complicated to deal with but know that you aren't alone What happened to you was sad, what you unknowingly did to her was also sad, you can learn from past behaviour and turn a new leaf, whether or not your ex forgives you is up to her But you need to forgive yourself, that would be the first step to healing
@@theonlyoneash I didn't SA'd her, because is impossible to do it unknowingly (You always know you did something wrong, even if subconsciously, and it's not when your abuser tries to convince you that way. Before she said it out of nowhere, I was healing fine even in the same ambient as her). It was just her, again, distorting everything in a way to make herself a victim, like she did with saying rap*ng me was my fault. :) I know this is a reply to something from a really long time, but your comment was actually something that made healing even more impossible during at the time, so for my old self who was plagued by this comment, I'm answering now that I'm better and want to be really healed from this: No matter how I see this comment, it looks like you wanted to paint things at it was my fault. Looking at my comment, I blamed myself a lot, but it was pretty clear even to a 3rd party that I was actually in a pretty bad mental shape and blamed myself for absolute anything that my abuser said I did or did to me. I suffered gaslighting. I made myself believe it was my fault my own r*pe and abuse even though my abuser knew I never felt anything everytime and was in a horrible shape because of it. I triggered my abuser childhood trauma for >expressing< about a idea of ending the fight we were having with the shit she usually forced her way in (so basically, she projected on me what she did to me), but fortunately nowadays I can say It wasn't my fault and I was taken advantage of, even if I "let it happen" (even though it was because of fear of what she would do if I didn't do what she wanted, because that's how a lot of victims submit themselves to abuse in the first place). And all you could say was "Turn a new leaf, if she (my abuser) doesn't forgive you is up to her, but you need to forgive yourself, that would be the first step to healing." The last part was good advice ngl, but a lot of shit just happened exactly because of the abuse and manipulation I suffered in the first place. My own abuser was convinced and convinced me I SA'd them because they remembered the feeling of their childhood trauma and rather than speak about it, felt fear and tried to act as everything was fine and then she said shit like that to get me back on her control. Like I said, projecting at it finest, and pure manipulation. And is clear as day even in the comment I did that you answered to. A good phrase that helped me a lot to get through the pain and guilt I had over the shit I felt responsible was: someone who suffered isn't a good person, it's just someone who suffered. Yeah, she's a CSA survivor, but it doesn't justify anything she did to me, and never will. You probably didn't mean anything bad, but I really needed to comment this. Your comment really affected me in being able to see the abuse I suffered, and how my abuser was a disgusting person for saying that she should "forgave me". She doesn't deserve any forgive, >I< do. I really wrote this more for myself, but at the same time, I would really be happy if you answered (if you even still use this account). Seeing my old comment and how I'm not crying anymore with it makes me see how far I had come.
Thanks for all of the information! Truly very helpful and appreciated. One of the best things i learned in conjunction with this is that relationships aren’t for other people to decide for you. So especially with the conclusion, it’s nice to know that no one gets to decide what a healthy relationship is FOR YOU. But that you and your partner get to decide what is good for the relationship. Whether that be a symmetrical or asymmetrical relationship. If that analogy makes any sense
I've had one very minor SA experience when I was little. About a minute or two if oral, it was so....nothing. It really feels like I don't deserve to call myself a victim, I don't really feel anything from it. The worst part was the bullying he did to me afterwards, but he was always bullying me even before that. I was also groped in high school and I similarly wasn't bothered by it, back then I almost wished something horrible would happen so I wouldn't have to be stuck not feeling justified in calling it "trauma". I felt like I deserved worse, like I wanted to suffer, and sometimes I still feel that way.
TW personal explicit story: Thank you for talking about anger, suicide and no reaction after SA. When I had more minor SA. I actually had minimal reaction. Maybe some trauma about the situation regarding safety in similar circumstances but no reaction otherwise. However, when my "best friend" (that's what I thought he was the prior 2 years) sodomized me against my will that's when I tried to end my life and a lot...47 times in the first 2 mo 5 days and hospitalized for mental health a lot. It got better and I am 6.25 years with no attempts. It took me 10 days afterwards. I was angry with him but weepy as hell and withdrawn as hell after. I didn’t sleep for 3 days and the night I finally fell asleep there was a false fire alarm at like 3 AM. I called for mental help medically that day immediately when I got home at 3AM to get PEP against HIV and started PEP at 17h post rape, but I wanted to shower so badly and didn’t report to authorities for years to not cause him trouble as you said because I just wanted to pretend it never happened and never sued him. I still struggle with intimacy and GYN exams and procedures. I still have to hand them a template of how I need to be handled when they do a procedure on me because I go silent and can't speak from retraumatization even when they are appropriate in how they do the exam/procedure. It's so mean. Please don't take any power over people's own vessels they have to sit within forever. It hurts so bad. I wasn't hit and it wasn't long but it was enough to break my heart and soul the whole 6.4 years since.
Oh I wish my therapist reacted this way, you're so kind and understanding. My therapist 'graduated' me from service after I got the restraining order. I was RAPED by my baby's biodad in 2021 and feel like the term SA it's strong enough for what that bastard did to me. You're right about being mad - at first I was very ashamed (how could this happen) and then it turned into pure hatred and disgust! Is there a place we're we can post names and pictures of the abusers?!?! - is it illegal to share a name?! Or social media handle?? I don't want anyone else to become his victim!! He's a wanna be social media influencer, spiritual enlightenment, nft's lol, disabled veteran, deadbeat dad (but claims to be superdad) and a notary in *Phoenix/Goodyear, AZ* I did not go to the police (they didn't have my back during a DV incident 😔) but I did get a restraining order! (1yr later 🤦♀️its almost expired 😬)
This was really great, thank you for this. I used to be super confident during intimacy. After getting assaulted I became hyper sexual but once I got out of that relationship and got into a healthy one, all my confidence vanished. I’m really hoping that with time and some self love I get it back.
Thats a very helpful video, I have not seen anyone actually talk about that. I'm very grateful for the work you do! Personally, I have experienced sexual assault some years ago as a teen and I could not sleep the entire day, walking like my brain was switched off, just conscious enough to get through the day as usual. For 6 months I was stressed out about it till I reported it to a sort of "trust teacher" in my school. Unfortunately as a minor it was tough, all I said was given to the principal, from there police had to get involved as well as my parents (which was horrible, I was scared to tell them anything after it happened) After another 6 months the court has been involved and I have been interviewed and observed by psychologists. It seems like I still was affected by it after this one year but since I mixed up some of my memories they said I was lying and till this day I have no idea what exactly went on with the case. To me, this was like all my fears have come true, I had no control over the situation nor any safe space or person to talk with about that. The rules for minors in such cases, at least in some of Europe, seem to be much different that when you're an adult. I wish someone told me what would happen after I trusted that teacher..
thank you so much for this video doctor k. i’m currently in therapy for this reason and i’ve been truly appalled at the lack of reliable resources online. well done on not shying away from this topic, i am so grateful for a video like this from you, it has been greatly impactful. and i hope to see similar themes in your future videos. (also if anyone does happen to have some reliable resources leave a comment, i’d be very grateful for a chance to take a look at them)
When I opened up to my friends about a member of the friend group who SA’d me in freshman year of HS, they accused me of lying for attention, ousted me from the friend group, and spread rumors about me to other people that the reason I was all by myself was because I was uppity and full of myself. Prevented me from finding a new friend group, especially combined with new avoidant behaviors I developed after the incident. I’m 21 now and still trying to teach myself how to trust again, and trying to unlearn avoidant behavior, but I can’t afford therapy and have been trying to work on it independently. This experience has never left me, and some of the effects it had on me are still only dawning on me years later after a lot of processing time. SA can be so isolating and traumatizing, and in my experience victim blaming was even more traumatic than the incident itself.
I do wish there was more attention paid to the friend/fawn response. I personally engaged in that response during my rape and subsequently didn't think it was rape bc I didn't flight,fight or freeze. Like it's been 2 years and only now am I finally able to use the term rape to describe what happened. If it wasnt for learning about the fawn response and being told point blank by a therapist that what happened was rape, I would've continued to blame myself for what happened. Like it wasn't until after the therapist started the session after the session where we addressed it with 'I just want you to know what happened was rape. And that means that you do meet the criteria for PTSD' that i was like 'oh my suffering is real and legitimate' and that was able to really accept that I experienced a fawn response. I'd learnt about it before starting this round of therapy but it had never clicked that that was why I behaved the way I did that night. If my therapist hadnt brought it up, i'm not sure if it had clicked. So I really hope we can talk more about how real this response is. Sometimes our brain recognizes that 'going along' with the requests/demands of a threatening situation will get us through the situation faster and safely. Especially if we have a history of being punished for other responses or saying no.
I love watching this content because it most likely will never apply to me, but just knowing this stuff is so empowering for people that might experience this around me, so i can educate them myself. great stuff as always.
If its okay to share. I was sexually assaulted by one of my clients during my student placement. I was told to, "feel bad" for the person who assaulted me because they are on the spectrum and that, "they are still someone with sexual needs". I went through a grieving process about my body and I still have nightmares about it.
Being on the spectrum isn't an excuse for SA. Most autistic people don't sexually assault people. I hope the person who told you this stops talking in general because despite saying words they have no intelligence, emotional or otherwise. You did not deserve to be assaulted.
And they can get their sexual needs met in a consensual way or with their hand. Those needs are not the responsibility of their carers. I’m sorry that organisation was so awful to you.
It took me 15 years to acknowledge what happened to me when I was 15/16 years old. I wish I had the common sense back then to understand what happened to me. Sadly, I didn't and no one else around me knew either. I retreated into myself and stopped socializing. I didn't start dating until I was in my mid 20s but I never knew why I was so afraid of the opposite sex. It didn't register why I had avoided it... I didn't even realize I had been traumatized. When I was 30, one day it all clicked. I realized I had been assaulted. I realized why I was so confused and emotionally messed up. Now I could look back and connect the dots of my trauma. And then I started to take back my life. Fuck the person that took my safety and screwed me up for years. I'll never pursue anything. It's been half my life and the specifics are long gone. But I hope anyone who needs to see this and decides they want to pursue things... I hope they see this and they do.
My therapist told me that our reactions are also based on our early childhood. If you had good loving parents mostly likely you will be ok post trauma. If you were emotionally/physically neglected than there is a higher chance of ptsd developing.
clicking on this video i expected it to be hard to hear and upsetting but youve framed this in a way that makes me feel glad about the resources that are out there
It's a sad coincidence I just read an article about a Brazilian woman who was raped, went to the station to report it, and was raped by a cop there. Women have a rough life in this sad world.
I absolutely agree that dissociation is a protective mechanism. It's not like I have any degree or anything that would qualify me to say so but I have experienced a lot of dissociation throughout my life. A few weeks ago it was completely gone and I felt all my emotions so strongly I'm comparison to usual that it was very overwhelming. I was constantly shaking, on edge, anxious, would cry very easily, get extremely happy to the point it was exhausting. I seem to have switched back to being more distant from reality again since I can't afford to be so vulnerable and unstable right now but at least I am somewhat prepared for what's to come when I have the time and space to go back to that state.
I've never been in the situation this video is about but I've had bad experiences and bad outcomes (I got an IST from my first time and did not have a good time) but I still take some important advices from this. All this happened just a couple months ago. I'm afraid of having sex again and am extremely insecure about myself. But hearing Dr. K talk about the healing process made me feel a little more hopeful. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. My experience with going to the ER after SA was very similar to what you described. However, I was rushed into talking to the police and press charges. I felt like I didn’t have any control. I wonder if this was because I was a minor. And maybe the option to press charges went to my parents and not me.
I felt neutral after it happened to me. Only 1 year later, when I casually told what had happened to me to a friend and he said that "it wasn't normal", did I start feeling something about it. It's causing problems in my relationship and it caused problems during my child's birth. Thank you for this.
This is a tough topic, and there's a lot of honest stories in the comments. Thanks for sharing your experiences, especially with various law enforcement, to help people make the best decision for themselves.
Hey, Dr. K, since you did a video on what to do as a sexual assault survivor, why don’t you do one about what to do as a false rape accusation survivor? Would be very helpful in changing the perception back to you being unbiased on this issue.
@pimbu936 That's quite the take on how to end this comment. This is about bias? You treat these two issues like they're equal and sides of the same coin?? Really?
10yrs after my SA my assaulter went to the police and filed the report on himself.... and police called me and tried getting me to feel bad for him since the guilt was eating him up🙃🫠 and the case got denied by the DA due to lack of evidence; even though the assaulter told on himself.
whaaaaaaaat?????
Wow
He only told the police maybe a quarter of what he did to me and then said "I don't remember that" when the police told him my aide of what happened. And the DA said since he came forward the jury would have sympathy for him and side with him. Mind you: I was 16 at the time and he was in his 40s.
@@haleyyanes4159 Totally on the DA there. Yes it is good he came forwards, but it is also important to move forwards with the case, hopefully you've recovered, acceptance is hard and remember that forgiveness is not necessary, stay strong friend.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for covering important, but unmonetizable topics.
You’re awesome!
thank you for doing what I can't afford, but would love to do.
Heck yeah
Its so sad how youtube basically only wants vlogs, beauty tutorials and maybe a selected handful of science and gaming videos on their platform. Every video that contains a second of copyrighted music? Demonetized. You openly talk about womens bodies? Your fault. Most channels that talk about sensitive topics have to have a patreon or do product placements, there is no other way to make a living out of it :(
thank you for doing this
I was molested multiple times as a child and I’ve always thought it was weird that I seemingly have no trauma from it. There was some questioning of my sexuality and probably a somewhat unhealthy relationship with sex, but that’s more to do with pornography I think.
The conversation around sexual assault is so often focused around trauma that I thought there must be something I’m not seeing, so knowing that my experience is actually very common is quite comforting.
@@catxtrallways Gonna stop you at the whole "boys are more vulnerable to predation than girls". That is straight up false, and I'm sorry for what you went through being retraumatized but it simply isn't true that boys are more vulnerable. Here is why:
1 in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under 18 are assaulted. So girls literally are assaulted far far more (even though boys not reporting is an issue - these are still very skewed stats! Girls also don't report a lot of the time) - thus making them more vulnerable by default. 82% of all victims under 18 are female.
91% of rape victims are women and 9% are male. Even if you argue that men and boys don't report as much (I would personally say it's an almost equal chance for either boys and men or girls and women to not report), that is still EXTREMELY skewed. How are you gonna say that one group is more vulnerable to sexual assault and rape when the statistics are THIS skewed? To where even underreporting would not un-skew these stats? And underreporting happens with both groups, so how much would the numbers really change?
And another big issue is that boys are not "less likely" to report - both boys and girls, AND men and women are all very unlikely to report in general. It's getting lower too because the amount of cases even seeing trial is becoming even more dismal - many people (I am one of them) don't bother reporting because they will never see justice anyways (it's like, less than 1% of SA cases ever even see a courtroom?).
You are right on everything else! But framing it as "boys are more vulnerable to predation" is straight up absolutely false and is just undermining the *much higher statistic* that is girls being assaulted. Girls and women are far more vulnerable to predation than boys and men simply because it happens to them far far more, history and statistics show us this time and time again they are quite literally more at risk or vulnerable. This doesn't mean boys aren't victims, they are victims just as much as girls are... but it happens a lot more to one group.
You were so close, because your points on victim shaming are exact. But that whole "boys are more vulnerable" is quite wrong and pretty unnecessary. SA and rape in general are terrible regardless of who it happens to - but if you're going to bring up who it happens to more and who is more vulnerable, you should at least be correct when doing so.
There is a lot of importance in talking about boys and men being assaulted and raped because it is NOT talked about enough - but it should not be at the expense of girls and women, or anyone else for that matter - particularly factoring in that it happens to girls and women at a much higher percentage, saying that a different group is "more vulnerable" just comes off as minimizing. You can talk about any one group of victims in specific if you wish - but you do not need to undermine one group of victims to talk about another group of victims. Girls and women being more vulnerable by default because they're assaulted far more doesn't mean boys and men are any less of victims, to be very clear on that. It just means they're statistically more likely to have it happen to them (hence, more vulnerable/more at risk).
If you by chance meant that boys and men are treated worse by society or are shamed more for it - same answer - definitely not. It's very equal, but it often happens in different ways. Boys and men are shamed the same amount as girls and women - almost every victim will be shamed at some point in some way, even if implicitly or if others do it subconsciously. I have no doubt in that, because society is cruel in general regarding sexual assault and rape and you yourself said that. I've experienced that cruelty too. I don't know anyone who hasn't, men, women and nonbinary people alike. Not a single person out of hundreds. It's universal, as soon as you say anything - you're shamed by SOMEONE even if just one person or a few people. That's just how disgusting humanity is.
Hopefully you see this and it makes you think. I do not wish to cause you harm with this or to berate you, but I think it's important to point these things out when they're said so people can realize what they've said. I have not met many people who have been assaulted/raped that have reported anything, women and men alike. Most of us don't want to bother being traumatized again when the conviction rate is less than 1%. I see discussion like that daily, sadly. I'm sorry to say but I think you have a few misconceptions regarding girls and women who are victimized. Because it's very common for us to not report at all, some of us will never even tell anyone out of fear or shame. (Personally? Both fear and shame.)
The rest of everything you said was right, and as for your experience I am really sorry. The real shame regarding assaults and rapes is that society doesn't even care to investigate or punish the perpetrators, the majority of victims are just brushed off... so the perpetrators can keep abusing. That's what's really shameful.
@@iverakansol9218 I have real issues with the "not at the expense" argument because its trivial to create some comparison then dismiss all sexual harm to men. Like "there is only so much air time" I guess it depends what you are counting as "expense". If it's like should we do A first or B then maybe that's okay... but I get the feeling it's more like A must be done 10000 times then maybe we do B.
Advocacy is not zero sum. Silencing men only makes it harder for women to get treated, not easier. By erasing men's problems, you only make it harder for men to sympathize with women. That kind of thinking is just rape denial in disguise. You're not saving anyone and you certainly aren't helping women by denying or erasing the existence of male rape survivors.
As for OP's topic, I experienced some sexual assault as a child and it didn't traumatize me right away, but it DID hit me pretty hard when I hit puberty and got old enough to understand what they were trying to do to me. As a child I had no context and it came off as badly told toilet humor, but as an adult looking back it scared the shit out of me to know just how vulnerable and unsafe I was.
@@iverakansol9218 men are raped just as much as woman, it's just in a lot of places in the world, being forced to penetrate doesn't count as rape (France is one exemple, UK another one)
Thank you. Please allow me to share the circumstances of Japan and what happens here.
If you report a SA to the police, the officer attending to you will most likely be a man (women are often just relegated to traffic). In order to file a report, you will be forced to reenact the SA with a real-sized doll while policemen take photos for evidence. Victims of SA have reported that the reenactment is just as traumatic (or even more) than the assault itself.
Also, in order to fully report, you need to be able to prove that you defended yourself-meaning scratches or injuries. Without taking into account many times victims will freeze and not attack (for fear of more brutal treatment). This aspect of the law was highlighted a few years ago when a judge acquitted a man of SAing his own biological daughter (a minor) because she “hadn’t struggled against it.”
In a Flower Demo (a protest where victims of SA gathered and talked about their experiences), one victim even reported having gone to the police and the officer there told her to go home, take a shower, and come back when she was calm. She washed away all DNA evidence because she was complying with someone who should’ve protected her.
Also, for AMAB victims, they weren’t even recognized as victims by law until 2017 (!!) when the law was amended to include non-PIV assault into its definition.
It’s heartbreaking.
@@catxtrallways Thank you 💜 there are many social organizations trying to change this, but it’s been slow (to say the least).
Wow that's rough. I hope those social organizations are able to make lots of really good headway and the process is a lot better. X____X!!!!
As a survivor, that's awful to hear. It literally made me nauseaous to imagine having to play put the sexual abuse I went through on a doll.
Really hope Japan makes a lot of changes, for the better, in that area.
Thanks for sharing what’s happening in Japan. People easily lose everything they had for other’s self centered actions and strangely it’s the victims that are considered as the cause of “shame”.
Not sure how but I pray it gets better for each person livin here. Love from Japan!
i am stunned,. that is horrible and heartbreaking. i haven't told anyone but one doctor any information of my abuse and SA; and he's gone now. it's hard just having to remember it never mind , talking or acting it out .
"Oh no don't report the family member, they have a wedding coming on in two weeks"
Well why did they decide to r/pe someone two weeks before their wedding then and how is that the victim's problem?🙃
Some families are so dysfunctional and detached it's wild
Exactly!! The victim didn’t destroy the family, the assailant did. Such dysfunction.
i think his example was where the victim was assaulted by an outsider (not a family member) and if they were to report it then they'd make the next couple of weeks about them and not the wedding.
@@spook6394 still pretty bad. I mean, are we really saying a wedding is infinitely more important than someone getting r@ped/SA'd?
@@rurubelle2920 'we' are not. they are.
My highschool boyfriend assaulted me nearly every day for 2 years. He would touch me while I was asleep and I had to fight him off when I woke up. He also pushed me into sex when I refused, he would keep nagging until I gave up and then afterwards I felt like a discarded fleshlight. That was 13 years ago, yet I still feel angry and defensive when people touch me or show sexual interest in me.
that's awful, i'm sorry to hear that
i am so sorry to hear that i hope you are doing better
What state are you in? Some have no statute of limitations for sexual assault.
@@hopegold883 I'm in Vic Australia
I'm so sorry to hear that, i went through the same and it was heartbreaking for me, i hope you're doing well. Take care ☹️❤️
When I went to the police they told me they can't help me because my ex bf at that time lived in another country. And that was it. He got away with it, all our mutual friends picked his side so I lost ALL my friends and I got a ton of hate from people in a game community because the ex was a "known" topplayer in a game.
And the intimacy problem hasn't gotten better for me. This happened about 4 years ago and I can't have sex anymore. It feels bad, scary, gross and it just brings back up memories. I feel bad for my partner because we've been together for over 3 years and we've only tried once but I got triggered. He says he's okay with it but I can't help but feel extremely guilty and bad.
Also, I pressed charges against my grandfather a few years ago because I recorded his confession of what he did to me as a child, he only got 18 months to prison :) CSA from my 6th to 12th year of age, I developed cPTSD, borderline, anxiety and he only gets 18 months to prison. I remember a week later I was watching the news and 2 motorbikers got arrested for speeding on a highway and they got 2 years to prison :)))))))))))
That sucks. I'm so sorry you've had such horrible experiences and no justice. :C
@@thekarret2066 🖤
@@Gobliness_ Hey Lilith, I'm going to start by saying I honestly don't have any idea of what you have been through. I really do hope you are getting help in the form of councelling and support from the people around you. I really wish the best for you. Take care :)
It’s such a hard time. Society now recognizes that it’s evil, but it’s just as hard as it ever was to get justice.
@@abhigyanbhowmick9238 I've been in and out therapies for the past 15 years, unfortunately haven't found anything yet that has helped, some even made my symptoms worse. At my request, my GP signed me up for getting hospitalised to get a treatment I haven't had before. so hopefully that will finally have some positive change :) Unfortunately I do not have an irl support system.
Thank you very much! I appreciate your kind words!! :)
2/3 of the women I've dated and has sexual relations with were sexually assaulted. The panic in their face when things start to heat up the first few times broke my heart knowing what happened
Based on statistics, 1 in 5 women (20%) will experience r4pe in her lifetime, and just over 80% will experience s3xual 4ssault or har4ssment. Also 96.6% of r4pists are male and 93.2% of s3x criminals are male.
You claim to have 66% of your partners having been previously 4ssaulted, which is actually BELOW the statistics.... There's not much point to this, it's just a(n un)fun fact.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
I worked in the military as a sexual assault advocate, and one of the problems with law enforcement is that they may inadvertently revictimize the survivor through the questions they'll ask trying to gather evidence.
Some states or districts also have a mandatory report function if you go to the hospital, where LE is automatically called to attend the scene
No, no, it’s absolutely pertinent that they know what the victim was wearing, how short/revealing was x, y, z article of clothing, etc. /s
Makes me wonder if they ask male victims those same questions, that is, if they don’t just outright laugh them out of the station.
@@Omnihilo If you're wondering seriously, they do ask male victims what they were wearing as well. I haven't had one ask whether the clothes were "revealing" or similar value judgements, but I won't discount anyone's experiences of such.
@@alexfahnestalk7469 Wow, that’s surprising. Guess I shouldn’t discount their ability to 💩 on everyone, regardless of gender.
@@Omnihilo That's not really where I was getting at with it
@@alexfahnestalk7469 I’m aware. I’m aware of the justifications they give for asking those questions the way they do.
As a male survior i think the information regarding reaching out to medical personell or law enforcment fails to mention that the responses from goverment agencies differ heavily if you aren't a woman. Statistics show that you will most likely not be taken seriously if you reach out to medical staff, law enforcement or mental health professionals, even living in a progressive country like Sweden i felt like the psychologist was offended by me being there, even the response from a family member felt cold and apathetic.
I'm so sorry you had that experience. More training/education/compassion and understanding is very needed...
That sucks. I'm sorry you've had such a poor response, even from professionals who should really know better. They've failed you. I hope you're able to heal despite their piss poor response.
am so sorry for that :( I 100% agree with that .
Sir, you can speak up without throwing women under the bus. Men and women are both being treated like crap by authorities and social services.
@@Cellocurve That wasn't my intention, I said that males are disproportonately not taken seriously compared to women when it specifically comes to sexuall assult, it's a documented fact, I know that women also have bad experiences within theese facilities, I was simply stating that many of the recources available aren't of any help to male survivors.
I was sexually abused for years. From 8-11 years old by someone older. I never knew how it would affect me until I became an adult and had so much difficulty having intimate relationships. I did encounter flashbacks often during sex, it was a horrible and embarrassing experience for me and my partner. When I was younger I used to just think that my abuser was going to pass away at some point and I would feel free. When the abuser did pass away it never went away. I spent years in therapy and using EMDR to get past it. Time to time the flashbacks still come back but definitely not as often. If you’re reading this wondering whether getting help will actually help, trust me it will. It will be a difficult journey to bring the experience back up but you have to do it to bring the closure. My “issue” in my adulthood is that I don’t value sex or have a sexual appetite like other individuals but I’m ok with that. If you need help in gaining motivation to get help, let me know.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
♡
my problem isn't a lack of motivation to get help, it's that help is prohibitively expensive (especially when u struggle to function day-to-day aka hold a job) and i live in a region where practitioners have a notoriously high chance of being genuinely cruel, uncaring people, since that's just the dominant culture around here
I feel like this comment was written by me, I was abused by my grandparent for years, never been how should I say, he never went inside me (I'm crying right now and I don't really know why because I am 36 years old now and that disgusting bastard has been dead for years and I kinda healed a lot since I was a kid, I now know it wasn't my fault, I was manipulated and assaulted by my own grandfather plane and simple. But I feel such anger and hate that he got to have a great life and got the death every person would want, died with no pain in bed in his sleep, and he even got to be loved by some of his family, he was viewed as this great parent and grandfather, some don't even know what he was and did, some do, and the ones that to still love him to this day just because to them they were a good father and did nothing to their sons. At least my mom isnt one of them, she hates him and is disgusted by him, but because even so, no one did a thing and he was free and died in his own e bed
Not that I'm thankful of you being assaulted but it relieves me there are other men out there that had this happen. I was 13-15 lost my virginity to an 18 year old high school graduate that only wanted to lose their virginity before college. It then it turned into a heavy sex addiction where I would skip class to visit another much older woman that basically introduced me to really rough bdsm shit and I'd get sodomized that made me feel like I was bi for my whole life because I would come back to it she would also invite her husband into it. The way I got to therapy was not because I seeked it myself but because my mom thought I was skipping classes due to her divorce with my father. It was a really rough time for me and I grew up thinking I was "lucky" because I got laid at a young age as most boomer/late millennial men would tell me. But because of that experience I was never able to have a healthy sexual relationship I had a hard time enjoying sex, I never went to police about it and I'm now 26 and 2 cities away from where I was so I don't feel any purpose pressing charges or anything but it is so fucked that when it happens to a male it is more accepted in society. I'm just fortunate enough that I found a therapist to help me stop continuing that vicious cycle in the first place.
I wish I knew this before. My partner got sexually assaulted a few years ago but they didn't want to go to the police, I didn't know what to do. Things spiraled and they tried to kill themselves with pills and I still feel the guilt of not doing enough to help.
You did your best
Don't blame yourself, as long as you stuck by them you did what you could. These cases are extremely tricky and confusing. Hope your day is good.
@randoweeb771 Dude, there's a time an place for everything. Telling someone to tell their partner who they already said didn't want to go doesn't help the person. You're coming off as they didn't nag their partner enough and it's the reason why they almost died. Also have you ever tried to make someone go to therapy? What do you do when the person you care about says no? You're not helping, you're just making people feel bad because they didn't handle the situation you "assume" you'd handle perfectly. Besides, this is on a video educating people on what to expect in the process. I think the therapist on the video is more qualified then you about how we're suppose to handle a sexual assault. :/
@@aribraxas6013Hey maybe give them the benefit of the doubt, you are not helping either by calling someone out on trying to help a bit, even if the attempt wasn't the best. You can tell someone they are wrong AND add to the conversation :). Have a nice day.
they? was it a guy or a girl
I've been diagnosed with PTSD with my sexual assault, it is a pain because I'll just randomly relive what happened and get put right back to that fear and guilt and trauma when I was young (7, abused by two of my older cousins).
I wish the people around me protected me. I think what hurts more than the sexual assault itself is my family members who brushed it off and excused it.
Family brushing off and excusing is the worst. I am sorry to hear that.
I understand and I’ve shared that too. I’m sorry. You deserved more.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
i was 6 and it was by one of my co.. and i know if i told my so called family would even kick me out if i dare to tell anyone else cuz they already did w other sa case ... sometimes blood means nothing more than genetics and backgroudns , i dont think those kinds of familys deserve our love
It happened to me twice. Once as a child by a male family member and 2nd time was my last toxic ex girlfriend who knew what happened to me as a child and drugged me. I couldn't move or talk, only mumble and she undressed me and under threat forced me to.... get it up and had her way with me. It brought back all the feelings of the first time. I didn't say anything cuz the first time was his word against mine and I didn't think anyone would take my side since I was a kid. The 2nd time was obvious cuz it is a woman who did it and yeah... It is pretty obvious no one would take that seriously....
So yeah, I never went to therapy and I have lots of trust issues and I have difficulty forming bonds with people
I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine having your trust broken a second time and not having a good support network to listen to you :(
That sucks. I'm so sorry you went through that, not just once, but twice..... that's horrible; they're both so horrible for different reasons. I'm wishing you all the best. I hope you're able to heal.
thats so fucked, I'm so sorry. No women or men should go through this shit. It doesn't make it less bad just because it was a woman that did it. thats so not fair
That’s so horrible :((
That is so messed up. Having your bodily and sexual autonomy taken away from you is just all wrong.
as a survivor, i want to thank you for that section about emotional responses. i can hardly get a break from feelings of guilt around not just what happened, but the fact that i didn't respond in perfect accordance with how you see people like us in the media. i _was_ angry, and i had to hide it alongside all my other emotions because i was in a relationship with the aggressor. i didn't know anger was such a normal response.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
What you experienced was righteous anger and it's a normal response to grave injustice.
I knew of someone that was sexually assaulted after a party and then stole her purse and phone. She went to the police and a detective was assigned her case. They never tracked her cellphone.
It should have been so easy to find this person if anyone involved had a clue that a cellphone could be tracked.
I got raped twice
Both times by people I thought of as best of friends and one of them even beat the hell out of the first guy... I'm still really broken and have not reported it to police because I wanted to get it over with, I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety. I know I wouldn't be involved in the whole process but the anxiety would eat me alive until I would get the decision from the court especially because I'm a victim of emotional, mental and physical abuse which was happening for the most of my life, I already have a lot on my plate that I can't handle.
I can't express how not enough there are specialists in my country to help women and men in my situation and when there are they are very expensive which makes us feel like we are to be used for money.
SA is horrible and no one and nothing can prepare you for how the consequences of it will hit your mental, like a truck or a train at full speed.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
Where do you live?
I was SA'd by someone I thought was my best friend too. Ive been SA'd by others, and I am at a place where I have accepted that and I have healed a lot, but being assaulted by your best friend is a different kind of pain. I don't know if I will ever get over the betrayal.
My abuser is dead now, but the pain did not die with him unfortunately.
I was sexually abused as a child for years. I was also sexually assaulted almost two decades ago. It doesn't just go away all at once or if at all. I have been abused in other ways but the sexual stuff is much more evasive.
Thanks Dr K with giving all this information because not enough women come forward after an assault.
do you have flashbacks at any point? do you consider you're over it? is it uncomfortable for you to speak about the experience? im sorry that happen to you, nobody deserves that. I was also abused by my own sister when I was 8yo
@@OOOOO0KKKKKKKK I was sexually abused by my uncle on my dads side for at least six years. My brother
tried to rape me once and asked if I would have sex with him twice when I was a teenager. I still have dreams from time to time about my my brother.
There are so many things that Dr K didn't go over when it comes to sexual assault. Oh if he could have me on. I still struggle with feeling like I'm just an object not a real person. My flashbacks are more emotional. This topic has surface for me in a hard way in the last year.
No one deserves to be handled like this. Our bodies are our ultimate boundary. If we don't have control over our own bodies what do we have control over.
@@tracyzimmerman7912 If we don't have control over our bodies we have control over our minds. That for me was the ultimate boundary. Getting punched in the face is one thing, but being systematically abused for years is another because of the MENTAL trauma of it. Flashbacks being a symptom makes sense due to it being an emotional wound, on top if it possibly being physical.
No matter what happens to you or me we have the mental power, I believe in you as I believe in myself. Also I'm 15 and male so take literally everything with a metric ton of salt, I am limited in experience even with my scars.
Have an awesome day stranger!
We don’t always have control over our minds.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
I seriously can't stress enough how happy and greatful I am to come across your channel. To see internet generation being the MAIN target audience of a Psychiatrist is exactly what I needed. I browsed your titles and they're all relevant. I'm just a student so I can't afford any sessions but these videos alone are enough for me. Thank you so much Dr. K ❤️
Could’ve used this back in HS. Not that it personally happened to me, but myself and my group of friends were often approached by females during HS that would disclose that they were either recently SA or had been in the past. Unfortunately we were highly inexperienced as to what to do. All we could tell them was to either call the cops or if the person that committed the crime went to the school we could jump them. They always refused either one. It always put us in a tough spot just having to know the situation and do nothing.
I'm glad they felt safe enough to talk to you about it at least. Talking can be alreasy a little relief.
I think another good conversation to have would be the differences/similarities of Sexual Assault, Harassment, and Manipulation, and how to move forward with help for each.
I was in an extremely toxic relationship and although I was never 'Assaulted', I was repeatedly Sexually Manipulated and it completely gutted my self-worth, confidence, and eventual ability to be physical or intimate with another person after I was out of the toxic relationship. Honestly, I'm still not fully healed from it and am continuously working through it, it's been a long and confusing process since there doesn't seem to be many resources available for that kind of thing. I believe many people could benefit from hearing your thoughts on this topic.
Thanks for all that you do!
i recently had to report my ex for dv at my school. he had a lot of controlling and abusive behavior. after a year i found out that our relationship was never consensual
he told me that he was turning 24 this year, but he lied about his age for a year & is 27. i felt like i lost my bodily autonomy & that he did it bc i was a lot younger (21 y/o) & i realized that he is a predator who preyed on my naïveté. i still blame myself, & i shower all the time bc existing in my body feels gross. i cant trust anyone more, and i have no friends. i don’t believe in love anymore, & even if i find someone attractive, the thought of being with someone is extremely repulsive
i’m sorry you had to experience that situation. i really hope you have a great journey on your path to healing
Coercion is a form of assault
Edit: what I meant by this is, you actually were Assaulted. Wish you well ❤️
@@bxnny0374 Coercion is 100% a form of assault. I guess what I meant was, it's just a lot harder to report since there is no physical evidence. The mind games and manipulation is never seen, and almost always is realized after the fact. A lot of the assaulters get away scot free because how do you quantify something like that. It's your word against theirs, and rarely anyone listens.
I don't like going into it in detail, but just to show what this looks like, here's some of what I experienced:
- After being treated to a dinner, given a ride somewhere, or anything kind done for me, it was "expected" of me to put out. Whether I wanted to or not, I "owed" him. I was made to feel unappreciative and selfish if I didn't.
- Whenever he wanted to be intimate, I had to comply or I'd get an earful. I never had a choice, it was always his way or the highway.
- I was repeatedly told "You're not strong enough without me, you can't do this on your own" "If you leave me, You'll lose all your friends" After trying to leave many times, only to be coaxed back because I felt like I was nothing without him.
- My sense of self and agency was completely lost. Thinking of myself as his object was so crushing. I wanted nothing more but to be freed from this torture, but I didn't know what to do.
- Even years after these events, it's extremely difficult to be physical with someone. I'm still trying to heal, but I'm not sure if I will ever be back to 100%
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.
@@Mewnetics oh, I completely understand that… just because it’s assault, doesn’t mean anyone (COUGHthepoliceCOUGHCOUGH) cares. Even when there is evidence. The system is fucked. I very much understand how it feels to not be believed by all the people who you once thought would protect you. I am truly sorry for what you’ve been through, I hope you find peace. Take care of yourself ❤️
Consent by coercion is NOT consent.
Just because you were bullied into letting a man have access to your body without you resisting doesn't make it "not r4pe" and it saddens me that so many victims still think their case wasn't "bad enough"
It was bad enough. In fact, the majority of r4pe is perpetrated by someone who the victim knows, and often time it's done through coercive means, such as "I'll divorce you" or "I'll tell your father"
When I was SA'ed on a trip I took with a good friend, I cried in her arms the next morning and told her what happened (I was drugged - I saw the guy I had been dancing with put sth in my drink, I asked him about it, he said he didn't, I believed him and took the drink anyway...), and she just told me that that could not have happened. I 'just' blacked out from drinking too much and made a decision I now regretted. This may have messed me up more than the actual SA and made me thoroughly doubt myself. Thing is, even IF my drink was fine, and i really did 'only' black out, i still told the guy over and over again before that that I had no intention to sleep with him. I never consented, I did the opposite. It doesn't matter whether or not there was something in my drink, I said no, and he made it so that I couldn't say no. But not being able to consent (with a clear mind!) does not mean yes.
im so sorry that happened, also having the friend you think you can trust dismiss your truth like that is so sh1tty... never leave a drink unfinished and unattended at party spots w people
The reactions from people close to you are honestly worse. I was manipulated by my friend while having an OCD crisis, and the reaction from my bf was to tell me it was my fault he tried to off himself (cuz getting SA'd is cheating ig) and then cheat on me.
I'm with him now, we broke up for a bit and he realised he was also manipulated sexually with the friend he cheated on me with and was one of those people without reaction, and realized he had misplaced anger on my assaulter. It doesn't excuse it but many people are confused on why I'm still with him.
What I needed in that moment was comfort and I got blamed and a second traumatic event. I wish people were more informed about how complex manipulation SA can be so they do not react this way.
@@beats5701 shouldn't give second chances to people like that ong
@@skullchimes hey dude let's not say stuff about my trauma and who I choose to have in my life, you do not know me lol. I'm glad you would not make my decisions, but telling a survivor of trauma what they "should" have done isn't appropriate.
Im so sorry you had to go through that. It seriously fucks with your brain when people tell you its nothing. I wish when i was SA'd i would have never told anybody. It made everything worse. Even my own mom is sick and tired of me, saying i will never heal.
Unfortunately this sh*t happens very often. It might not be a full blown assault but even forcing yourself on someone a little is assault and this happens way too much :/ there might not be an intercourse involved but still if the guy doesn't stop that's abuse. That's assault.
@Hshs Bshs you're ill
@Hshs Bshs can you bring a gun anywhere you want? if someone gropes you at a party do you just walk over to your purse, grab your gun, then walk over to whoever harassed you then proceed to gun them down? what do you do if a friend sexually harassed you? do you just shoot them? how does a gun solve anything?
sure, but I do believe the severity and frequency matters to the victim. Relationships are not perfect and people make mistakes even decent people especially if they are inexperienced with romantic/sexual relationships, it also matters if the assualter admits thier fault sincerely and changes from it.
@@newuser689 Yeah, it doesn't solve anything, guns just create more problems in all situations, tbh they should be banned completely.
That Video should be watched by Mizkid from the Org "One True Rape"
its very sad to see the amount of comments sharing their own experiences. there are so many cases while one case is one too many. I hope everyone who has went through it gets better
I've mostly had friends who are girls/women and it breaks my heart that almsot every one of them had at least one bad story about feeling pressured into sex if not outright denied their right to consent.
Seeing others stories makes my experiences feel so...underwhelming by comparison, yet I feel so much worse of mentally compared to them. The worst part is I know I deserve it much more than anyone else does, yet I'm the one with the mundane and painless experiences
@@cryguy0000 dont be like that. you matter as well. there shouldnt be like a hirearchy of victims cuz what happened to u and others is stil horrible to think abt no matter how tame it was compared to others. dont think like that u deserve the attention too. not everyone has the same mental capacity so its not a huge issue when u need more attention on ur mental health. You matter aswell ok.
Thank you for this topic. As someone who’s been assaulted multiple times, it’s so frustrating to explain to people why I can’t speak up at all and terrified. The amount of self-blame I get for myself for me saying is it’s not my fault always feels like my fault.
I think it's important to differentiate fault and responsibility. Like it is NOT your fault, remember that. But do remember that the responsibility to heal is yours and yours alone. Stay strong friend.
@@itsLantik Huh, thanks for the self reminder, never thought of it that way.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
Thank you so much for talking openly about this! I think the immediate culture can dramatically affects how people internalize an assault as well. I know a woman who was in a concentration camp in Poland during WWII. Women were SA'd regularly by guards, but everyone knew, so, when a woman was called into an office, all the women were ready to be there to comfort her after she came back out. The element of shame was completely eliminated (although still a horrific situation). It helps dramatically if the survivor isn't seen as "damaged" or inviting it or anything else like that, and are really believed and immediately comforted as needed.
Jesus Christ, what a horrific story. I hope all Nazis are burning in hell forever. And worse. Nothing can make up for what they’ve done.
As gutwrenching as that is, that sounds about right. A lot of the stories I've heard and read talk about how the reaction (or lack thereof) survivors got when they told others about it was just as traumatic (sometimes even more traumatic) than the SA itself. I've never faced SA thankfully, but I know just from growing up with emotional abuse that having people around you who care and who loudly agree that what's happening to you is wrong helps an insane amount. Obviously in an ideal culture it wouldn't happen at all, but in a next-to-ideal culture we could all at least get the support and compassion we need after harassment, manipulation, and/or assault.
I’m glad you shared this… I really think the element of perpetuating shame by my family members was what made the experience more traumatic for me. It was not a family member who did it to me but my family was not at the time capable of giving me the support I needed. They were fighting their own demons and I was convinced I was partially to blame. I now know that’s not the case, and that this was something my parents both experienced as children too and did not even know how to heal themselves. So I forgive them. But the shame is really what digs deep.
@@gbx557 I''m sorry you went through that. I think that many families aren't ready to respond to this. We need a whole cultural shift to make it more comfortable to discuss. It's like, if someone broke into my house, I would tell my neighbours and people would come to help. But after a SA, people aren't prepared to hear about it.
I don't know if this helps anyone, but I watched a video of a guy who had a hell vision. I mostly watched it because it said Hitler in hell. He said Hitler was in an oven and he was super angry. He had the understanding that Hitler had been going through every single bad thing he caused people to go thru. Not just his physical acts or him telling officers to kill Jews or something. Everything that was caused by his influence. Rape, torture, people hiding, children being killed or watching family being killed, etc etc. Every single act was going to happen to Hitler. For the rest of eternity. While also in hell fire. I think that's an acceptable punishment.
I also heard another hell testimony by accident, by a guy who was trying to help out this poor homeless woman. He wanted to feed her, let her feel cared for, and let her tell her story. Basically, she was kidnapped and raped at 14, and because it caused her to become pregnant, her family threw her out😡😡😡.... Anyway, he was letting her speak without interrupting, and he had a strong urge to close his eyes. In the split second he closed his eyes, he saw this rapist in hell (she did say he died). He was being raped constantly by a demon whose member was the size of the man, so he was being ripped in half and coming back together again.
I only shared for the justice of it. During all of our lifetimes, all the sad misery that the Holocaust was has been constantly happening to Hitler. Every moment of every day we have been alive, and decades before. And that child rapist for at least the last 20 years, repeatedly miserably raped. Sad stuff happens here, but justice is eternal ✌️
I was assaulted as a teen by my uncle and after a while my brain erased that memory, but I was very depressed, anxious and didn't participate in social situations. Sometimes I did hurt myself and it took me years to actually process it and ask for help from a therapist. Now I'm better and really thankful that video like this exists because this is the topic with a lot of stigma around it and that's why many don't know what to do. At least I didn't.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
@@larrykav It's so sickening that you're pushing spirituality onto that person’s traumatic experience without even knowing what their religion is or even if they wish to cope with spirituality. Stop doing that, it is psychologically intrusive.
I'm not sure if ANYONE would relate to my story: I'm a trans woman, I was raped 3 years ago by 2 men (strangers that kidnapped me), I slept in their apartment that night and for some reason they decided we all eat breakfast the morning after and somehow decided to drive me back home to my family.... Weird.
I did tell my family and wanted nothing more than speaking to the police the same day, so, 2 cases had been filed, one for the rapists and one against me for.... dressing in feminine clothing, I almost went to jail for 6 months but somehow worked it out and only went there for 3 days, and haven't heard anything about the other case, I'm not sure they even filed it at all. Worst part is if a case rises against me again, my head's gone, literally.
I was very clueless with how brutal the police is and the laws here in good ol Saudi Arabia. I'm so proud of myself for keeping me alive through all that.
(I'm still there so writing this comment is extremely terrifying).
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. This is beyond horrible. I hope you manage to get out of Saudi Arabia into a more accepting place and that your assaulters face punishment
Omg this is so horrible. So sorry about that. The world is so evil.
@bekabokuchava4470 yes but I had other plans, I'll look into it again now that you reminded me, thank you.
@bekabokuchava4470 oh for sure I'd love that, but yes things are a lot better now.
thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your story
I told my friend on the phone what happened to me the night before while I was living in college dorms, and the RA in my building overheard it because they were visiting a friend off duty in my roommate's room next to me and both of our windows were open. I was forced to meet with the school's Title IX officer. My mom got the email because she was signed into my email at the time (I was newly in college and wanted help with bills) and suddenly my SA spread beyond my control. When I was put in all these conversations and investigations, I was told I had two options. I could investigate through the police where they would need overwhelming evidence (that I didn't go to an ER to document) and 99% certainty that it happened and no evidence that it didn't. Or I could investigate through the school and as long as they have more evidence that it happened than it didn't. I don't understand how there could be evidence for a negative statement, but I decided to take the latter route as I had already had my story told for me (and destroyed my whole reason to avoid speaking up about it) so I did. They took a few weeks, had conversations with others, saw the video of them dragging me drunk into a back room, talked to people who WALKED IN ON THE ACT and determined they as a college couldn't prove enough to take any action. If the police are so helpful and are there to help me I wonder why even official channels like Title IX Investigators at colleges don't recommend it.
My gut reaction to this is that it would benefit the school to convince you to accept an internal investigation that allows them to bury the problem and not deal with the police. I do not trust the input of your Title IX officer.
I don't understand why the police and your school being involved were presented as mutually exclusive options. Also, whether or not the police will have enough evidence to charge someone doesn't make collection of evidence pointless. Any data can help inform future investigators. I would have thought a Title IX officer would be the kind of person involved in helping the two systems collaborate and share relevant information so that the maximum benefit can be achieved with minimal burdens on you. I just get a strange impression.
If anything seems fishy to you, you may wish to consult the police or a lawyer or anyone else you think may give a broader and independent view of the processes. Whatever is comfortable to you. It sounds like you've had to deal with a lot of hassle so far already.
Agree with the other comment. Go to the police anyway. Colleges are notoriously bad at investigating SA and acting on it.
The school sees it as a potential risk to their reputation.
Look at the case with the vietnamese college HUFLIT. It has a long HISTORY with not just SA but R@P3!!!!
Earlier this month a student got R worded by multiple soldiers at that f*cked up university, and there was video proof+ the other students could hear the student's screams from outside the f*cking university. They recorded that as well.
The university knew about what happened, so it banned getting out of the dorms to prevent the word from getting spread, they also deleted a lot of the evidence from the other students' phones.
Long story short, as a result from the tragedy that happened, and not being able to get away from the very place that caused it, all that combined with having her story silenced by every possible way, the poor student just jumped off the building, and passed away.
It's a graphic and tragic stoey, but it needs to be spread in order for people to realize just how messed up some of these institutions are.
I encourage you to read more about it.
I'm really sorry about what happened to you, and I hope it becomes easier to process it with time.
Universities unfortunately are notorious for trying to bury sexual assaults so that they don't get a bad reputation. Please go to the police or consult a lawyer. Just because you went through the uni route at first, doesn't mean you can't still get the law involved.
I’m glad you’re talking about this. The main thing I wished I would’ve known is what consent was and that what happened to me was not my fault and I did not consent to it. I spent years not getting help or telling anyone. That was 2011 and now I am out of work on disability trying to figure out what’s wrong with my body and how to get it to function well enough to work again if it even can. My body is holding so much. I’m in pain all the time and I’m going in circles with doctors, specialists, therapists, physical therapy, psychiatrists with over $6k in medical debt. It’s a mess what one night did to my entire life. I hope people understand that we fail victims and survivors so much at every step of the way. Not teaching consent and healthy boundaries, the police system, the courts, doctors, all the gaslighting medically & mentally from everyone so we don’t even believe ourselves.
Edit: Also-look into how many of those kits just sit in evidence rooms for decades.
Keep in mind again ppl don’t report like me because they didn’t even know it was assault. Someone put something in my drink. A person I knew. It’s most likely people you know and not strangers that are perpetuating this.
I had a horrible experience with an emdr therapist. She did not establish trust with me first, we moved into eye movement the second session and I kept telling her I didn’t think it was helping and she kept telling me it was...I wasted 4 months seeing her and getting more frustrated and hopeless about my healing.
I finally found a trauma informed therapist with a PSYD that did a lot of work previously with victims and she’s the one finally helping me the way I need.
Can you talk about different routes of therapy for trauma? I didn’t know where to start at first and wasted a lot of time and money and emotional pain working with the wrong people.
this is amazing. I feel so similar from some other forms of abuse. I don't even know if my body can function again. I don't know which way to look with regards to healthcare, therapy, support, legal system, medical system.
yeah, they fail us so much. When it happenned to me I was 16-17 (i dont even remember) and my boyfriend at the time was 23-24, so not only did he assault someone, but that someone was underage. but I didn't know about consent. I remember feeling violated and thinking he r**** me, but I gaslighed myself for years until I finally learned about consent and that it could happen within a relationship (almost 2 years after the relationshio ended). It happenned 8-9 years ago yet to this day I only told my current boyfriend and my therapist about it. that relationship ruined me life in many ways. but we'll all heal eventually, hopefully. to this day I get terrified if I see someone that looks like him on the streets even though we dont even live in the same city anymore
@@jackperry6269 I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar. I wish I had my current therapist at the beginning bc not only did she know what trauma does to a persons brain, body, and life, she also knows resources and is an expert in building people back up from the worst things that could possibly happen to someone. The only solid advice I can give is look for a therapist who goes beyond listing ptsd in their Psychology Today Bio....look for someone who is trauma informed and ask them in (in your initial email or phone consult) what ways have they worked with survivors...see if they’re passionate about it bc I’ve seen a lot who are burnt out and I get it...but if you’re needing trauma therapy you need someone energized and passionate about helping survivors because is going to take both you and the therapist doing a lot of work. I wish you so much healing. You can do this, we can do this❤️
@@TheSarahmns I wish you hadn’t been through that and I’m so sorry someone would be so awful to you. I’m proud of you for sharing what happened with people you trust and seeking help. I have a lot of hope and faith in us survivors...we are so resilient and we can overcome anything. We can heal and have a happier life. I do have health issues but I am so grateful for what is in this life I have and everything I’ve learned along the way even though it was terrible how I learned certain things. I didn’t choose how I got here but I can choose what to do with my life and the experiences I’ve had and I hope to use all this to help other survivors with disabilities. I wish you the best with your healing too❤️
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
Thank you for speaking about this in a mature and sympathetic manner. A lot of content on this channel seems to be geared more toward a male audience, so videos like this that address issues that primarily affect women are appreciated. The co-op analogy at the end was golden too, lol.
(heavy tw) i wasnt sexually assaulted but groomed on the internet (at the time i was 11, photos were shared, and im still being cyber stalked as a 14-15 year old). I have experienced high arousal for a whole year after the experience and then suddenly? nothing, i couldnt even look at sexual pictures without feelings of needing to puke. I am going to therapy and at some point i got diagnosed by my psychiatrist for ptsd and its all a little better now. But i want to say it wasnt only specifically the experience; It was people saying its my fault, my mom being dissmissive all together, my father being angry not at me but at the person that groomed me, the nightmares, people asking weird or retraumatizing questions, all the abusive relationships that followed because i didnt know what was normal anymore and the worst one, my mom leaving and never talking to me again taking away the person who is SUPPOSED to help me through this because she started a police report that never got anywhere. And now im stuck.
What you went through is sexual abuse and your trauma is valid. Please continue to get help and talk with people, rather thats a therapist or trusted friend. It was not your fault. Sometimes parents don’t know how to process or handle the news perfectly because they’re human, but that doesn’t change the situation.
@@amothwhowrites I wish I could actually say this about my mom,,, sadly her dismissive nature was not just her humanity, I figured out just a month before she acted like she cared and then didn't to not pay the child support :( she has been gone for 2 years and owes us 3 years of child support (she also manipulated and abused me mentally heavily as a child, just as her mother did to her and what my grandma's mom did too.). My father is helping a lot, I go to therapy every two weeks except from holidays and I am getting better. I try to talk to him but I'm scared of older men and he scares me sometimes, but I've been able to talk to my friends about it just fine
@@TheGoreTheorists things will get better, i promise
You poor kid. I’m around the same age you are and I know an internet stranger probably can’t even fully begin to understand your situation but what I’ll say is that I hope your therapy goes well and that you can find some semblance of real unstained love and peace.
This is hard when the perpetrator was a doctor who's name and face you don't remember bc you were so young. Or when they were your parents who are now dead. There is like, literally nothing I can do to get justice or even let people know how badly my life has been ruined because of it. I just have to live with the symptoms of trauma. When I did tell, no one has believed me, and it's not "legitimate" compared to others assaults because it was abc instead of XYZ harming my private areas. Or my dad wasn't ACTUALLY touching me, he was just watching me privately through my computer in my room.
I'm supposed to just... "Forgive" that invasion of privacy while being SHAMED for what they set up uncensored in my room as a child to get addicted to.
I don't have enough context (and you absolutely don't need to provide any), but I will attempt to help you through this, however you need to be willing to change for the better. Ready? Ok, let's go.
For starters it would seem that you still want justice and revenge on dead people decades after the incident. Now, I'm going to challenge the idea of justice. Look at the American justice system, you as many others probably think it's stupid, right? People are incarcerated for years and treated like walking piles of shit, leading to them just committing more crime once they are discharged.
Now this isn't black and white and people who are prone to committing crimes should be pacified, but trying not to treat them like walking piles of shit is important as that hurts everyone.
1) So step one for you would be analyzing the situation and saying "do I need to pacify this situation?". For you the answer is no as you are not in control of the doctor situation and the parents are now deceased.
2) Step two would be "Should I look for justice" This one is similar to step one but is different as it deals with internal motivation and deep seated anger. The answer for everybody here is no as justice is an expression of anger and leads nowhere if the situation is already pacified (or out of your control). This step is made easier for you because you can't seek justice though, so let's go to step 3!
3) Can I forgive? I believe this is up to you. In my experience forgiveness is optimal, especially if the situation has passed, but acceptance (neutrality) is also fine. The barrier to this one is rage and lack of a problem solving attitude. I can see from this quote from you "I'm supposed to just... 'Forgive' that invasion of privacy while being SHAMED for what they set up uncensored in my room as a child to get addicted to." that you have a good deal of anger and rage surrounding the topic and get pretty angry from other people 'shaming' you for whatever you are now addicted to. We'll get to the addiction part later but what is important is that you are experiencing anger surrounding this and your id (gut instinct) is telling you that these people don't DESERVE forgiveness, while the ego and superego (decision and morality, respectively) are secretly creating conflict in your head as they are the reason that tell you that everyone deserves acceptance, as it is a human right.
4) Aftermath. As you said, these people did things to you that affect you to this very day. Now, in regards to the addiction that you speak of (again you don't need to tell me what it is, that can stay private if you choose) it would seem that others want you to stop it as it harms you and in response you get angry as it was someone else's doing. This step is linked with step 3 as the final step as it involves saying "it is their fault but MY responsibility". You cannot change the fact that your parents did unspeakable things to you, but what you CAN do is stop it with your own two hands and take back your life. This is made a bit easier as all the other steps as you aren't even given the alternative of justice due to the perpetrators being gone.
5) Assuming you have forgiven/accepted and haven taken responsibility with dealing with the aftermath, you are now on the track of healing. If you want any more help, I can talk on Discord if you have one, or just reply to this comment (my Discord is Lantik number 1175 if you have one, but if you don't we can figure something out if you want).
Have an awesome day stranger.
@@VicarAmelias I'm guessing you didn't read the whole reply (and I don't blame you lol it was long) but I said essentially what you said, that forgiveness is good but there isn't one way to act and as long as they're happy anything could work (I specifically mentioned acceptance as a great second choice). Anyways thanks for the feedback I'll make it more clear next time!
Replace what your father did with an online hacker; suddenly everyone recognizes what a disgusting invasion it is. I don’t know why but when it’s family, everyone lets them off the hook, people are pathetic. I’m sorry you didn’t get the care or justice you deserve.
@@itsLantik Sorry but your advises are pretty shitty. Your response is part of why I keep my story to myself. Most abusers need to be incarcerated to face what they've done and to protect the victim(s). I can tell you from experience that when someone sexually assault they'll do it again and to multiple people if they can. Those behaviours never stop by themselves. When someone is as confident as to do it at their workplace (the doctor) you can be sure that he has done this to multiple children and will never stop unless facing consequences.
@@chloevaillant9430 I'm sorry that happened to you, truly. I'm also sorry my response wasn't what you guys thought was acceptable. But at the same time you could've tried to add on or help like the other person did instead of just calling it shitty and moving on. Constructive criticism is appreciated, deprecation isnt. Have a nice day.
ALSO remember that in many countries you can still report to the Police being sexually assaulted as a child even many years after the assault
"hi police? Some random doctor who's name and face I don't remember assaulted me when I was 9, and my dead parents have assaulted me for years starting at 3. What are my options?"
"Yeah this was over 20 years ago"
"Hello?"
@@DivineLightPaladin More often than not it's the person that child knows (family member or a close family friend) so...Yeah, you certainly should report this and there is nothing to laugh about.
@@DivineLightPaladin😂
I really love that your approach isn't judgement of either party but instead asking them what they need. I really like this one metaphor from someone about approaching it like moving into a new apartment.
Other psychiatrist and therapist here. I firmly believe that the reaction to the assault doesn't only depend on the persons genetic make up and therefore some kind of inherent resilience. But the reaction is heavily informed by the environment those people have grown up in or actually reside.
As Gábor Máthé says "Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you. Trauma is that scarring that makes you less flexible, more rigid, less feeling and more defended." And it can be greatly reduced by a loving, supporting net of friends and family that will not leave you alone in your time of need.
my heart was pounding watching this video, but after some time this gave me some clarity and calmness
this isn't quite a "wow I was just recently in need of this information" comment but I do have a friend who's a survivor of multiple assaults. I'm always looking for quality info that might help him, thank you Dr K
I was molested by my (not blood-related) uncle when I was 9 years old. i had known him my entire life, and he was my favorite relative, I admired him so much. and then, out of nowhere, he starts touching me and kissing me and i didn't know what to do. this happened multiple times over the course of one week. i didn't really know what sexual assault was, but I felt this wasn't right. but I looked up to him so much that I just started making excuses. "maybe he doesn't know this isn't okay", "maybe this is just his way of showing that he loved me". which of course, is all bullshit because he was the adult in the situation and he should know better than to act the way he did towards a child. still, I didn't tell anyone what happened. i figured it was just normal and i was overreacting.
the next week though, my younger cousin, who I believe was 3 at the time, told her mom that our uncle had molested her. everyone in the family was immediately notified, and so my mom asked me if he did the same to me and I told her he had.
I always get so mad at myself for never telling anyone while it was happening. my little cousin didn't deserve anything that happened to her, and I told myself that i could of stopped it, that everything was my fault.
following these events, police officers came to my house to talk to me, where i had to tell them every detail. my poor 9 year old self was way to distraught to remember everything, however, and so i told them he had only touched me a couple times, when in reality it was many more.
after all this, there was an investigation on my "uncle", where they found multiple accounts of him SAing minors and owning child pornography. he was sentenced to 2 years in prison. maybe that's a fair sentence, but I was still haunted by the fact that in 2 years time, he could just do the same thing all over again, plus he knew where I lived and everything, I felt so unsafe.
something that isn't talked about enough is how terrifying it is being in the same place where you were molested. for me, he did all of this in my house. sometimes on the couch, sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes in the attic on the bed he slept in. every time i walked into these rooms i was just terrified that all of a sudden he would be there again and everything would happen all over again.
anyways, after all this, my mom took me to this sort of therapy-ish facility for kids who have gone through trauma. i would sit in a room with a counselor, who told me there were people watching me through the camera (which scared me, i mean after all of this, being told that a bunch of adults are watching me on camera? awful, but i know it was for a good reason), and then, yet again, having to relive every detail of what happened.
even then, i was still telling "white lies", making it seem like the situation wasn't that bad.
i went to this place two times i believe, and at the end, they gave me a "souvenir" blanket, which i stuffed away so i wouldn't have to be reminded of all this stuff again. I know people were trying to help me, but honestly, i just wanted to forget everything that happened. i still felt like i did something wrong, that i was at fault.
i still had a bunch of gifts from my "uncle", and i simply stuffed them all under my dresser, and hoped i'd never see them again.
to this day, i still have flashbacks and nightmares about this situation, and sometimes i still do blame myself. it's a horrible thing to go through, and i know others have gone through so much worse and i'm so sorry for them. no one deserves any of this, it's terrible that so many people have to deal with this shit.
No one should ever have to go through that. I am so sorry that you faced such horror by someone you loved, trusted, and admired. You are not at fault for someone else making the choice to abuse, most especially as a child who was also abused by that person in my opinion. They made that choice and feeling complicit or responsible especially as a young child is just way too much to put on yourself. I can definitely understand that struggle because you were older than your cousin, but you were also a very very young child and no kid (or anyone for that matter) should ever have to be faced with the responsibility of navigating how to stop a monster. I hope you find peace and absolution that you can feel confident in. Sending strength and courage as you continue on your healing journey.
Considering how many victims of all ages and genders are brushed aside or even shamed when they try to report SA, I don't blame anyone who is afraid to do so. I think it's important that this information and advice comes with the sad but honest truth that many of the mechanism for reporting fail the victim, and it's so so so important that we do not create a sense that victim's are at fault if they are afraid to report. Sadly I think sometimes people have a tendency to blame victims for not reporting or reporting too late or whatever, when really it should be up to the victim how they want to proceed and we should support their needs and help them instead of judging them and picking them apart.
Completely right that getting help is Hampton. I remember I was actually assaulted in my 1st semester of University and I reached out to everybody that I could possibly think of at the time period I didn't have a lot of family but I reached out to my Foster family wait I reached out to a biological aunt I reached out to my therapist I reached out to the University itself and I couldn't get any help or support and the University specifically told me don't bother reporting it. They're just gonna say it's your fault and I can tell you're stronger than all the other girls that have come through here so you can just live with it just move on it's not worth it.
And honestly I feel mostly okay but I still feel like there are some physical mental issues from it that impact my marriage that I just feel broken like there is nothing i can do.
Immediately after it was sort of hard to comprehend what had happened it just didn't feel real. And I was told just to forget about it so I did up until a few months after when the guy and his family started to harass me and threaten me and that's when everything just snowballed out of control
I am so sorry. I wish the world wasn't like this. 😞
My experience wasn't even *that* bad but it still impacted me greatly. I wasn't raped, but I was grabbed, pinned, and groped by a guy who I didn't know when I was 12. my mom's reaction was just to tell me that it was the "female experience". she then told me in detail about how she was raped when she was 14. and since then I have been terrified of men, even though I know it's irrational. I can't even be alone in a room with a friend if he's male. and I feel really bad about it. but I've been healing. my partner is a trans woman and she makes me feel so comfortable and safe.
I think resilience is a not so great term. In the end all reactions are the body/mind's attempt to survive and people who have no reaction aren't better or even coping better than others. It took me over 10 years to even understand I'd been SA'd because it was with a girl the same age as me, and it wasn't something that left physical damage. It took me 10 years before the flashbacks started, although I had nightmares about her for years.
Oh man, that sucks. :C
@@thekarret2066 If you mean me thank you. Unfortunately I'm in a pretty shit relationship right now and considering divorce- from physical violence to literally lying about therapy for 8 months including fake phone conversations and I'm probably going to regret sharing this online but I'm dissociating hard. Life getting better is an illusion, but you just gotta keep pushing through. There's good and bad times and neither lasts forever. Hope you're having a good time wherever you are in the world.
@@梨-i5l It can get better even if you're having difficulties believing it right now. Took me years but I'm finally happy. As you said nothing is permanent but still things get easier with time, even if the road isn't a straight line. You deserve care and happiness so be kind to yourself and f*k people who aren't. Cutting people off my life because I finally care enough for myself was one of the best decision I ever made. I wish you the best.
I haven't finished the video just yet but I wanted to say, I don't know if you saw my comment specifically for this topic to be done but, thank you. From the ages of 10-17 I was assaulted, molested and harassed by multiple boys and men. Its been a decade since the first instance of abuse, and I actually feel like the past few years have been incredibly healing (no doubt due to my amazing bf and the fact that I dont have to go to high school with awful boys and men anymore) Of course, the more advice and information the better. I love your channel, thank you so much for doing what you do
Oh boy, this is gonna be a really big video for everyone to watch with what happened on twitch recently... as a man I wish I could talk to the 10,000s of young boys, and 100,000s of boys just viewing things on the internet not fully understanding or grasping the severity of the situation that actually want to defend a certain favorite twitch streamer because of the tragedy that occurred possibly affecting reputation, just to make them understand how awful it is being in the shoes of the girls it happens to, how its a lot more important than keeping fame or an empire or whatever, this is a much bigger thing than just one individual & the message we send to society in how we handle it... all the future generations of young men/women ... even though this is a universal thing and they can also be assaulted by grown men or even sexually assaulted by grown women there's another added level of invasion, destroying something that is supposed to be the most intimate act by force when its in a sexual nature, your very being is being disrespected & violated in the worst way. Its traumatizing to even think about knowing real women that personally opened up to me about it in the past at college, to actually go through it... is a tragedy.
Me too
well put, empathetic and reasonable
Super important topic. Thanks for covering it. Looking forward to watching this video and sharing with my clients.
i think the reason why a lot of people have their first reaction to be neutral or indifferent is bc sometimes you're just in disbelief that it happened, and your brain will try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened
Yep to protect you
the thing you said about india recently recognizing marital rape in law, it's not about people not believing you but just that in countries where marital rape is legal marriage is seen as the man owning the woman and being allowed to rape her, if in these places you tell people your husband is forcing you into sex people will believe you cause it's very common there but usually they will shrug it off, say it's not a big deal, that's just the way things are and what you signed up for. and usually they don't consider it rape cause even though it's the same concept they only view it as rape when it's committed by someone you're not married to, and is generally seen as a violation of the man who 'owns' the victim (her father or husband) rather than the victim herself, for dishonoring the family and also making her 'worthless' for marriage as she's not a virgin anymore, sometimes even resulting in the honor killing of the raped victim by her own family. it's all very ingrained in most religions and many cultures. for example the bible says rapists must marry their victims, as 'punishment' and because she is 'worthless' to any other man now but really it's just further punishment for the victim and ensures she will be raped for the rest of her life, and the qu'ran (or one of their other holy books can't remember) also has a verse about how a woman who refuses sex with her husband will be cursed in the morning, and a lot of stuff about child marriage being okay + many other religious examples but you get the idea. it's awesome they finally repealed it in india, i hope it will also be enforced and that all victims of marital rape will be able to get justice, and that all other places where marital rape is still legal will follow suit soon.
Really an amazing lecture. Hope schools can start to equip kids with this info, highlighting the manner in which the patient is in control of the process. I’ve heard time and time again that not pressing charges gets in the way of seeking care.
My partner has been a victim of SA. Thank you for this video, I hope I can use this info to help my partner with healing in any way that I can, if she's comfortable.
I'm still not sure how to categorise what's happened to me. I've been in a relationship for ten years roughly and my partner never physically forced me into any sexual act, but each time I refused, they started argument after argument and were in bad moods and just generally an ashole to me until I caved in and agreed to have sex. Sometimes they even grabbed my private parts and when I complained, said some stuff like: "Oh, at least let me have that if nothing else". This went on for years and my libido declined dramatically over the time, which lead to them getting more and more nasty... never in a physical brutal way, just... psychological terror.
I broke up with them some years ago and after a long phase of being absolutely disgusted by anything related to sex I'm again able to actually enjoy it. However, I still can't get an O. through intercourse, only when I'm on my own. I haven't been in a relationship since and I'm not sure I ever will be again. Everything about the thought makes me want to run away immediately.
When I grew up there was no internet for me and I had no friends and my family never ever talked about those topics. So I had basically zero knowledge about sex and relationships and only later learned a lot about what consent actually is. (on top of that I'm also autistic and have a hard time judging human behaviour in terms of what's normal and what not).
I still don't know what to make of the situation. I obviously don't have any evidence and, knowing my ex, they would just deny everything should I ever tell any authority. I'm not even sure it counts as assault, because my ex was never physically harming me... idk
It was assault
Edit: sexual assault*
I have had similar experiences with my partners. i have always had low libido (bordering on ace) and often felt manipulated or guilted into having sex that i didn't really want or enjoy. those relationships never lasted more than 1,5 years, they got bored with me. at this point, i'm not sure i really want to look for a fitting partner. i like the celibate aspect of my single lifestyle, i don't like the lonely aspect of it.
that’s called coerced consent, it is not real consent and i fully believe it’s sexual assault. i’m sorry that happened to you, know there are good people in the world
It's absolutely definitely a sexual assault. You deserve the best. I am sorry this happened to you.
@@capsulamental Assault implies aggression and violence. This sounds like sexual manipulation instead. It's still bad, but calling it an assault feels like a misnomer to me.
THANK YOU A MILLI DR.K!! This is honestly the most helpful lecture on SA I've ever watched! i unfortunately had friends in college who experienced SA but I never knew the best way to comfort them or provide any substantial guidance after the incident. Just the typical responses "im sorry ___. " "thats horrible" "its not your fault" and just give them a long hug and let them vent. I will definitely rewatch to take notes and share this video with others too :)
Thank you for discussing this topic. There's a wide range of responses a person can have when SA happens to them, and I think that's vital to understanding, despite being talked about very little.
When I was 14, I was SAed by my first boyfriend. But it was non-penetr@ting SA, so all these years I gaslighted myself for years. I didn’t even remember most of that day. “After all, nothing happened.” Now I’m 24, never had a second relation, and now I can see it was SA. But otherwise I have been pretty normal! Listening to other people have similar experiences has given me so much comfort. So much self-acceptance. I didn’t even know how much I was hurting. Thank you for this video.
I’m a 27 year old woman - my mother engaged in several behaviours that are included under child sexual assault. This had terrible consequences in my young adulthood. I was assaulted 2 by strangers, once via drink spiking at a night club. I nearly married a terrible man. I thought it was my fault. I have been followed and harassed by men a lot generally in life as recently as last year I was followed into a toilet.
My mother has NPD I’m sure, it was certainly about exerting control as it likely was for the men who assaulted me. Having been estranged for nearly 3 years now, I feel almost healed. I also now have a profound understanding of how childhood victims are often re victimised. I have found my voice now though, I know my value.
You’re so strong
@@SilverBlaze1 it became a necessity - I accidentally studied law at university (long story) but it's how I found philosophy and that was a big part of leaving the horrible reality I found myself in. I don't recommend law it's an ethically bankrupt industry. They're not particularly smart either honestly.
I do recommend philosophy though - reading widely is key. Never fall to deep into a single author. Although I must say I am a Karl Marx fan girl haha
I wish you all the best
I've never felt so comforted by your explanation. I've stayed so far away from ERs unless absolutely necessary. This has brought me so much comfort. Thank you ❤️
Thank you, so much. I could never thank you enough for all your work and this video.
I'm in a similarly working country and have first talked about that abuse to another adult (other than my parents, my father being the culprit) just 3 months ago. I've been living with him and my mother even a decade after he first abused me, and the legal system has been responding - i've had a police interview less than a month ago - but we have no idea what's happening, when we're gonna do to court, if he's gonna be imprisonned and when (he has severe physical illnesses and some mental illnesses), what kind of financial help we'll have to maintain the house, if i'll still live with my mother, etc...
It helps understand how this trauma affects you. Very well explained, and casually enough to bear it.
Get some help everyone, and i insist everyone.
If you ever think you might need some, even what you consider minor, do so. I've seen people on the verge of death or suicide think they're okay, or act like it. Even if it's less serious than that, it's better. A therapy session or talking to friends might be the first step to getting better. Take care.
Thank you so much for talking about this. I have no experience with SA, but I think it is very important to know about it
Definitely feeling like I should've done things differently in the various SA situations I've been in. I wish I dared to physically defend myself or call out for help. But I ended up just going into "I have to endure it" mode... I hope I never EVER have to experience anything like it again, but if it does end up happening again, I hope that I will have the clarity of mind to defend myself and make a huge fuss in order to protect myself. At least now I get to work through all the mental BS that those experiences have brought me, together with my psych, so I can hopefully have actual relationships in the future.
I felt a lot of anger after being assaulted. It's kind of comforting to know that most people who have gone through this have also felt that. Thank you for making this video 💙
Thank you for providing an expert perspective on a very important topic that people don't like talking about. Just knowing that I can send people a link if they want more info is incredible. You have just made the world a little better Dr. K.
Thank you so much. After 10 yrs after my SA it finally hit me what had happened. I had too much going on for so long I don't think my brain could handle it.
man thanks a lot for doing this ! I badly need it and is now taking notes just because how impactful your breakdown and now how it just makes sense . thank you , greatly
This is so important to be educated on. When I went through this as a child for the first time it was 2000 and since then society has come so far in discussing and educating on this topic. We also have so far to go. Thanks for being a part of that!
Please talk about Hyper-sexuality, and orgasms during SA. It’s not talked about enough.
let me tell you how it is in France:
I was SA'd and physically beat by an ex. I am American and he is French.
when the police came they took him away for 3 nights. I had to go and give my report about two times, the entire thing probably took half a day while they took my report. I had an interpreter. The interpreter immediately told me that because he was French and I am American that the law would protect him, since it protects its own citizens.
I also had to have a "confrontation" with him the next day where the police had us basically argue the answer to certain questions about the SA and PA
He had brutally beat me to the point that I had bruises all over my body, black eye, choke marks and he got to go to therapy for 6 months. that was the outcome. I don't even think this is in his police record
I think this is something that is important for people to know when they're abroad; the law may not necessarily care about you if you're foreign (I had a valid visa, but I'm not French so it doesn't matter)
Thanks for this. I think this will help a lot of people with stigma and common misconceptions. "I should be over this, it's been years!".... Yehhhhh no. Especially if it happened as a kid. There is a lot of internalized shame and working through it helps.
You communicated very delicately and clearly on this. I feel emotional thinking of all the people out there who engage this video and the lifeline this will be if they ever find themselves in a situation. I would’ve made different choices if I’d known this information. It’s so difficult when you’re just a kid, don’t have a cell phone (it was ‘06), couldn’t drive, away from home on a family vacation with a friend of mine’s family in a different state. I didn’t know my options, and like you said, I just had this picture in my head of having to testify in court. Videos like this make a massive difference. If I had known these things I could’ve navigated those hurdles and circumstantial limitations and I would’ve felt a lot more confident to just call the police somehow. Very touched by your efforts here, and how many people this will help to be sure. Thank you!
Mine happened quiet. I just pretended I didn't remember anything, went to sleep and never talked about it until five years later. I think It happened more than one time, but I'm not sure. They were just like really vivid nightmares.
Why don’t they have information like this in schools so that everybody can learn how to handle situations like this? I’d never heard of things such as anonymous testing, and I’d imagine that many other victims haven’t either. The whole experience is terrifying, not to mention the entire question of “where do I go from here?” A lack of information and knowledge about resources only makes the situation more difficult. As a graduating valedictorian this year, I can confirm that more real-world classes would be more so much useful than taking classes like trigonometry.
I actually reported mine to the police. Happened on the subway. The guy was never caught and this was 8 years ago. We even managed to get his photo from security footage and released his photo across all the media outlets in the area. When I reported I was lucky enough to get sympathy and be believed by the cops and the subway employees. I actually just followed up yesterday and talked to the same subway employee that helped me back then who is a woman and then to the investigator (the other investigator during my interview recounting what happened was also a woman). Its an open case right now because nobody came forward to identify him when it was released to the media or no other survivors did either, maybe there isn't any idk. I may never get justice for it and I had to unfortunately accept that. Although I found out what DID happen was because of my situation they installed more cameras on trains, buses, and streetcars. Although that hasn't really done anything because since then the subway system here has gotten notoriously dangerous with random physical violence and SA is still happening, and ridership is way down because people rather not risk it. But what I guess it does do is if someone does get attacked, at the very least they'll have video evidence of the attack if it gets reported to cops which a lot of the ones lately have been.
I’m in a criminal justice course on crisis intervention and advocacy this semester. This is so helpful and a vital discussion. Thank you for this!!!
these what to do if kind of videos are really helpful and informative.
please, continue making them.
also, a video about EMDR would be really interesting, personally, my practicioner did a really good job with it and the first time i tried i just cried uncontrollably, then peace and acceptance.
for me, and i cannot thank him enough, it was the right tool.
As one who has been in that situation, you speak truth my friend. Mine ended with the gift of a sweet, kind, beautiful wee boy. Rory is autistic as am I, but I wouldn’t give him up for anything. He will never know that though .
I still have nightmares but I blame on my epilepsy so he doesn’t worry.
I am open about what happened to me. Men and women need to know that they aren’t alone. It is a problem in our society.
Remember, it’s not your fault; the people who do this have no respect for others and I believe lacking in Empathy:
Thanks for posting this. It shows your kindness. That’s great to see. Humanity needs more empathy: we’ll never be able to solve anything without it.
Honestly, SA is nowadays a really traumatizing topic for me, because different from the people in the comment section who know full well they were victims, I simply can't say the same and feel the same they do about their abuser and myself.
I felt abused by my last partner in all ways possible: emotionally, verbally and sexually. I'm asexual, she
knew, and we engaged sexually because I felt it was the only thing I could do during our relationship together that she liked and could make her be more sweet to me; when was about emotional and psychological well-being, our relationship was so much about her that she would make even my vulnerabilities and sorrows about her. She would invalidate everything I felt if it was caused by her or when she was dealing with something, but I did everything I could to be for her even with all of that.
She is a victim of CSA, and that's one of the motives that makes me not want to say that she's an abuser, and also one of the motives that I didn't resist a lot of her sexual advances and would have them myself, even if I hated every second of it, because I wanted to make her feel happy and secure. I felt a sense of responsibility, at the point our relationship was extremelly unilateral.
I felt extremelly alone and emotionally numb, but I tought she was the only thing in my life, and the only one that loved me (she and I became closer after one of my suicide attempts, and everyone that I trusted one day had leaved me or she made me believe they didn't care about me), so I just stayed, because even today, I'm unable to believe that anyone could want me in their lifes without wanting something.
I would always dissociate from the intercourse and just focus in her kissing me, trying to be and feeling happy that she could be that open to me, try to focus on how good that was for her, that I would be a horrible person for putting up boundaries and talk about it (the times I tried to talk about it, she would simply explode and make me feel guilty, saying that I wanted to make her feel bad and a horrible person, she would talk about her traumas and how that impacted her, so I would comfort her and simply stop trying to talk just to not hurt her feelings).
But, after 2 months of our break-up (she was the one who did it), I discovered that in our last time sexually together during our relationship, I SA'd her that day and triggered her childhood abuse, and that was one of the reasons she wanted to break up.
Even if I didn't had the intention, I basically made her feel obligated to have sex. At the time, I insisted a lot to it to happen because she was angry with me again and I wanted to compensate her somehow (I talked to I guy she felt jealous of, I'm a girl btw), and any other thing I offered she didn't want (massage, watch something together, talk...); I insisted four times (accordly to her) until she said yes.
I felt awful, and I feel awful everyday, because she did this to me and I still didn't forget anything of it, so the fact that I made her feel the same way I did is simply hauting. So, my guilt is heavy, both as a victim and as a unitentional perpetuator. I feel like I don't belong anywere, and all the pain I have I need to deal completely alone.
The worst is that when she said about me abusing her, I said sorry a lot of times, that I never would want to make her feel like that, and opened up about how I felt awful that I forced myself to have sex, that I only did it for her and like the other times, I just wanted to make her feel happy.
She said that I was >retardedI< started everything that happened. When I tried to talk to her to finally try to solve things in person, she was just so /calm/, like none of the things I said before had happened, and saying all the abuse I suffered in her hands like if she was the one who had gone through then, and I just couldn't even talk of how that was just so disgusting. We had to do a job together one day and we could interact pretty well, but all I could feel was shrivers on how easily her humour changed after having what she wanted.
I felt extremely conflituous every day. She abused me, but when I tried to talk about it no one believed me, just a few people, for me being the "man" in the relationship; she says I abused her, people that I talked before become hostile even when they themselves know I'm asexual and the timing she decided to tell about the abuse is just too strange. After saying I SA'd her, she became a "abuse survivor" to some. I trigger so much reading all the comments here, because a lot of them are wrote like something she would write, even if the people here are actual victims.
My guilt is worse than ever. I feel disgusting. I feel a guilt of an SA survivor and one of a perpetuator, so I felt horrible even when writing this, because I'm unable to see myself in any category. I just feel pain. No commentary I had read I could see the same kind of experience, so I suspect a lot of people who watched the video could have felt the same kind of shame here and didn't want to share it, feeling a sense of alienation of their experience after seeing all the other comments who can be categorized in such a black-and-white way.
It's like all your feelings aren't valid anywhere. I abused my abuser; even if it wasn't my intention, I feel like I'm the same as them, and that makes healing impossible, because I feel I don't deserve to heal.
Hey, I'm sorry about what happened to you by the hands of someone you considered so special
You ex definitely needs professional care
And if you're able to, you should get it too
The feelings you expressed can be very very complicated to deal with but know that you aren't alone
What happened to you was sad, what you unknowingly did to her was also sad, you can learn from past behaviour and turn a new leaf, whether or not your ex forgives you is up to her
But you need to forgive yourself, that would be the first step to healing
@@theonlyoneash I didn't SA'd her, because is impossible to do it unknowingly (You always know you did something wrong, even if subconsciously, and it's not when your abuser tries to convince you that way. Before she said it out of nowhere, I was healing fine even in the same ambient as her). It was just her, again, distorting everything in a way to make herself a victim, like she did with saying rap*ng me was my fault. :)
I know this is a reply to something from a really long time, but your comment was actually something that made healing even more impossible during at the time, so for my old self who was plagued by this comment, I'm answering now that I'm better and want to be really healed from this:
No matter how I see this comment, it looks like you wanted to paint things at it was my fault. Looking at my comment, I blamed myself a lot, but it was pretty clear even to a 3rd party that I was actually in a pretty bad mental shape and blamed myself for absolute anything that my abuser said I did or did to me. I suffered gaslighting. I made myself believe it was my fault my own r*pe and abuse even though my abuser knew I never felt anything everytime and was in a horrible shape because of it. I triggered my abuser childhood trauma for >expressing< about a idea of ending the fight we were having with the shit she usually forced her way in (so basically, she projected on me what she did to me), but fortunately nowadays I can say It wasn't my fault and I was taken advantage of, even if I "let it happen" (even though it was because of fear of what she would do if I didn't do what she wanted, because that's how a lot of victims submit themselves to abuse in the first place).
And all you could say was "Turn a new leaf, if she (my abuser) doesn't forgive you is up to her, but you need to forgive yourself, that would be the first step to healing."
The last part was good advice ngl, but a lot of shit just happened exactly because of the abuse and manipulation I suffered in the first place. My own abuser was convinced and convinced me I SA'd them because they remembered the feeling of their childhood trauma and rather than speak about it, felt fear and tried to act as everything was fine and then she said shit like that to get me back on her control. Like I said, projecting at it finest, and pure manipulation. And is clear as day even in the comment I did that you answered to.
A good phrase that helped me a lot to get through the pain and guilt I had over the shit I felt responsible was: someone who suffered isn't a good person, it's just someone who suffered. Yeah, she's a CSA survivor, but it doesn't justify anything she did to me, and never will.
You probably didn't mean anything bad, but I really needed to comment this. Your comment really affected me in being able to see the abuse I suffered, and how my abuser was a disgusting person for saying that she should "forgave me". She doesn't deserve any forgive, >I< do.
I really wrote this more for myself, but at the same time, I would really be happy if you answered (if you even still use this account). Seeing my old comment and how I'm not crying anymore with it makes me see how far I had come.
Thanks for all of the information! Truly very helpful and appreciated.
One of the best things i learned in conjunction with this is that relationships aren’t for other people to decide for you. So especially with the conclusion, it’s nice to know that no one gets to decide what a healthy relationship is FOR YOU. But that you and your partner get to decide what is good for the relationship. Whether that be a symmetrical or asymmetrical relationship. If that analogy makes any sense
I've had one very minor SA experience when I was little. About a minute or two if oral, it was so....nothing. It really feels like I don't deserve to call myself a victim, I don't really feel anything from it. The worst part was the bullying he did to me afterwards, but he was always bullying me even before that. I was also groped in high school and I similarly wasn't bothered by it, back then I almost wished something horrible would happen so I wouldn't have to be stuck not feeling justified in calling it "trauma". I felt like I deserved worse, like I wanted to suffer, and sometimes I still feel that way.
I'm so sorry. you are not alone ♥️
This is so important, thanks for covering this. So many comments of people affected, survivors. We have far too less knowledge about this.
TW personal explicit story: Thank you for talking about anger, suicide and no reaction after SA. When I had more minor SA. I actually had minimal reaction. Maybe some trauma about the situation regarding safety in similar circumstances but no reaction otherwise. However, when my "best friend" (that's what I thought he was the prior 2 years) sodomized me against my will that's when I tried to end my life and a lot...47 times in the first 2 mo 5 days and hospitalized for mental health a lot. It got better and I am 6.25 years with no attempts. It took me 10 days afterwards. I was angry with him but weepy as hell and withdrawn as hell after. I didn’t sleep for 3 days and the night I finally fell asleep there was a false fire alarm at like 3 AM. I called for mental help medically that day immediately when I got home at 3AM to get PEP against HIV and started PEP at 17h post rape, but I wanted to shower so badly and didn’t report to authorities for years to not cause him trouble as you said because I just wanted to pretend it never happened and never sued him. I still struggle with intimacy and GYN exams and procedures. I still have to hand them a template of how I need to be handled when they do a procedure on me because I go silent and can't speak from retraumatization even when they are appropriate in how they do the exam/procedure. It's so mean. Please don't take any power over people's own vessels they have to sit within forever. It hurts so bad. I wasn't hit and it wasn't long but it was enough to break my heart and soul the whole 6.4 years since.
Oh I wish my therapist reacted this way, you're so kind and understanding. My therapist 'graduated' me from service after I got the restraining order.
I was RAPED by my baby's biodad in 2021 and feel like the term SA it's strong enough for what that bastard did to me.
You're right about being mad - at first I was very ashamed (how could this happen) and then it turned into pure hatred and disgust!
Is there a place we're we can post names and pictures of the abusers?!?! - is it illegal to share a name?! Or social media handle??
I don't want anyone else to become his victim!!
He's a wanna be social media influencer, spiritual enlightenment, nft's lol, disabled veteran, deadbeat dad (but claims to be superdad) and a notary in *Phoenix/Goodyear, AZ*
I did not go to the police (they didn't have my back during a DV incident 😔) but I did get a restraining order! (1yr later 🤦♀️its almost expired 😬)
This was really great, thank you for this. I used to be super confident during intimacy. After getting assaulted I became hyper sexual but once I got out of that relationship and got into a healthy one, all my confidence vanished. I’m really hoping that with time and some self love I get it back.
Thats a very helpful video, I have not seen anyone actually talk about that. I'm very grateful for the work you do! Personally, I have experienced sexual assault some years ago as a teen and I could not sleep the entire day, walking like my brain was switched off, just conscious enough to get through the day as usual. For 6 months I was stressed out about it till I reported it to a sort of "trust teacher" in my school. Unfortunately as a minor it was tough, all I said was given to the principal, from there police had to get involved as well as my parents (which was horrible, I was scared to tell them anything after it happened) After another 6 months the court has been involved and I have been interviewed and observed by psychologists. It seems like I still was affected by it after this one year but since I mixed up some of my memories they said I was lying and till this day I have no idea what exactly went on with the case. To me, this was like all my fears have come true, I had no control over the situation nor any safe space or person to talk with about that. The rules for minors in such cases, at least in some of Europe, seem to be much different that when you're an adult. I wish someone told me what would happen after I trusted that teacher..
thank you so much for this video doctor k. i’m currently in therapy for this reason and i’ve been truly appalled at the lack of reliable resources online. well done on not shying away from this topic, i am so grateful for a video like this from you, it has been greatly impactful. and i hope to see similar themes in your future videos. (also if anyone does happen to have some reliable resources leave a comment, i’d be very grateful for a chance to take a look at them)
When I opened up to my friends about a member of the friend group who SA’d me in freshman year of HS, they accused me of lying for attention, ousted me from the friend group, and spread rumors about me to other people that the reason I was all by myself was because I was uppity and full of myself. Prevented me from finding a new friend group, especially combined with new avoidant behaviors I developed after the incident. I’m 21 now and still trying to teach myself how to trust again, and trying to unlearn avoidant behavior, but I can’t afford therapy and have been trying to work on it independently. This experience has never left me, and some of the effects it had on me are still only dawning on me years later after a lot of processing time. SA can be so isolating and traumatizing, and in my experience victim blaming was even more traumatic than the incident itself.
I do wish there was more attention paid to the friend/fawn response. I personally engaged in that response during my rape and subsequently didn't think it was rape bc I didn't flight,fight or freeze. Like it's been 2 years and only now am I finally able to use the term rape to describe what happened. If it wasnt for learning about the fawn response and being told point blank by a therapist that what happened was rape, I would've continued to blame myself for what happened. Like it wasn't until after the therapist started the session after the session where we addressed it with 'I just want you to know what happened was rape. And that means that you do meet the criteria for PTSD' that i was like 'oh my suffering is real and legitimate' and that was able to really accept that I experienced a fawn response. I'd learnt about it before starting this round of therapy but it had never clicked that that was why I behaved the way I did that night. If my therapist hadnt brought it up, i'm not sure if it had clicked. So I really hope we can talk more about how real this response is. Sometimes our brain recognizes that 'going along' with the requests/demands of a threatening situation will get us through the situation faster and safely. Especially if we have a history of being punished for other responses or saying no.
I love watching this content because it most likely will never apply to me, but just knowing this stuff is so empowering for people that might experience this around me, so i can educate them myself. great stuff as always.
Thank you for being so respectful in dealing with this topic.
If its okay to share.
I was sexually assaulted by one of my clients during my student placement. I was told to, "feel bad" for the person who assaulted me because they are on the spectrum and that, "they are still someone with sexual needs".
I went through a grieving process about my body and I still have nightmares about it.
Being on the spectrum isn't an excuse for SA. Most autistic people don't sexually assault people. I hope the person who told you this stops talking in general because despite saying words they have no intelligence, emotional or otherwise. You did not deserve to be assaulted.
And they can get their sexual needs met in a consensual way or with their hand. Those needs are not the responsibility of their carers. I’m sorry that organisation was so awful to you.
It took me 15 years to acknowledge what happened to me when I was 15/16 years old. I wish I had the common sense back then to understand what happened to me. Sadly, I didn't and no one else around me knew either. I retreated into myself and stopped socializing. I didn't start dating until I was in my mid 20s but I never knew why I was so afraid of the opposite sex. It didn't register why I had avoided it... I didn't even realize I had been traumatized.
When I was 30, one day it all clicked. I realized I had been assaulted. I realized why I was so confused and emotionally messed up. Now I could look back and connect the dots of my trauma. And then I started to take back my life.
Fuck the person that took my safety and screwed me up for years.
I'll never pursue anything. It's been half my life and the specifics are long gone. But I hope anyone who needs to see this and decides they want to pursue things... I hope they see this and they do.
My therapist told me that our reactions are also based on our early childhood. If you had good loving parents mostly likely you will be ok post trauma. If you were emotionally/physically neglected than there is a higher chance of ptsd developing.
This is some next level Information Age type conversation wow I love the internet
clicking on this video i expected it to be hard to hear and upsetting but youve framed this in a way that makes me feel glad about the resources that are out there
It's a sad coincidence I just read an article about a Brazilian woman who was raped, went to the station to report it, and was raped by a cop there.
Women have a rough life in this sad world.
I absolutely agree that dissociation is a protective mechanism. It's not like I have any degree or anything that would qualify me to say so but I have experienced a lot of dissociation throughout my life. A few weeks ago it was completely gone and I felt all my emotions so strongly I'm comparison to usual that it was very overwhelming. I was constantly shaking, on edge, anxious, would cry very easily, get extremely happy to the point it was exhausting. I seem to have switched back to being more distant from reality again since I can't afford to be so vulnerable and unstable right now but at least I am somewhat prepared for what's to come when I have the time and space to go back to that state.
I've never been in the situation this video is about but I've had bad experiences and bad outcomes (I got an IST from my first time and did not have a good time) but I still take some important advices from this.
All this happened just a couple months ago. I'm afraid of having sex again and am extremely insecure about myself. But hearing Dr. K talk about the healing process made me feel a little more hopeful. Thank you.
learning this in the academy right now literally everything I'm dealing with in life always has a Dr. K video pop up
Thank you for sharing this. My experience with going to the ER after SA was very similar to what you described. However, I was rushed into talking to the police and press charges. I felt like I didn’t have any control. I wonder if this was because I was a minor. And maybe the option to press charges went to my parents and not me.
I felt neutral after it happened to me. Only 1 year later, when I casually told what had happened to me to a friend and he said that "it wasn't normal", did I start feeling something about it. It's causing problems in my relationship and it caused problems during my child's birth. Thank you for this.
Thank you so much for covering this, as a sa survivor myself I really appreciate this kind of detailed insight into this topic, it helped me a lot