idk man, maybe I'm just not that empathic but creepy things and awkward situations kinda make me smile. I feel the urge to join the person and REEEEE together. Just dwell in the creepiness, embrace the creepiness, BE the creepiness. Is that weird? I've always had a sick attraction to weird things, like the homeless man talking to himself, I salute him; I've went out with some creepy RING looking goth chicks from Tinder and I actually enjoy the company of people that just give that vibe of a little - just a little bit - of a serial killer. You know, the kind of people that kinda smile at you with their head down? When the mouth says smile but the eyes say "i might murder you tonight, or not, who knows". Maybe it's just that damage attracts damage... The thing is, when i think of a chick on crack on some nasty ass moldy rag in the middle of an empty dirty room, if find that hot more than i find it creepy. Damn, one time i actually woke up with one of these girl holding a knife over me. I looked into her eyes and i said "do it!". Idk man, i feel like the darkness loses its power over you if you decide to embrace it. We're all people after all, who cares if some are a little creepy? Also, I've noticed I can change my emotional state instantly and consciously without needing to think about a happy memory or a sad one etc, I just smile or cry on queue. I thought that was something everyone was able to do? Strange...
Yeah. He takes it to a level where he is considered a robot / lizard by meme culture. And while everyone seems to agree that he is creepy, nobody seemed to be able to put a hand on why that is.
is it the fact that he would sell anyone into slavery if it meant he could make an extra dollar? a severe lack of the ability to care about the well being of anyone but himself.
@@markkocsicska2590 I look at him and while he's creepy, that never crossed my mind. What crosses my mind while looking at him is "That mother fucker isn't a human".
As a woman while dating men, one of the biggest reasons I find me or my female friends will describe a date as creepy is the feeling that they are trying to get something from you. Trying to put the right inputs in for the output of relationship/sex/yes to date ask. But I think from this explanation what we are picking up on is that feeling of disconnection - they are so concerned with the result they aren't reacting to you the person in that moment. That's why sometimes being asked out is creepy and isn't - if you are asked like a human that says no rather than an object that holds your self-esteem in your hands it has a different vibe.
Great way to describe it. I was thinking this too - that the times in real life when I felt like a guy was creepy, it was because he was behaving in a threatening way somehow. Not taking no for an answer, staring, following, that kind of thing.
The thing is no dude really gives a damn about your similar generic lives. We pretend we do to get the goods. It's actually torture dating. Players are better at acting and making you "feel" special.
I'm confused by one of your sentences. Why is it creepy for guy to "put the right inputs for the output" of a relationship? The sex part I understand because that's sleazy but why the relationship part?
@@G33KN3rdbecause the guy is treating it like a transaction, where if he does x he'll get y. he's essentially only thinking about himself and his own wants and needs and treating the woman opposite him like an object with no will of her own. These are usually also the men who turn angry or violent the moment the woman 'deviates from the script' aka says no when the guy has executed his "perfect flirt that will make all the girls swoon" program, because he's unwilling to accept that he's not entitled to anything from anyone else even if he's doing everything right
@@blahblah2779 I will admit in some cases it might be due to poor social skills, but in far too many cases it just comes down to plain entitlement. Either way, it's rude and unfair to blame the victim for the harassment. It's not on them to make the other be a better person.
Summary = Features of creepiness? - nonfluctuating affect (always smiling, constant facial expression etc) - flattened/amplified affect (smaller range of emotions -> schizophrenics) - lack of emotional mirroring (they're sad, but you don't react w/ sadness etc) - incongruent affect (laughing when shouldn't be laughing, monotone while saying you're endlessly happy) - responding to internal stimuli vs external stimuli (self dialoguing, auditory hallucinations) - disrespecting boundaries (repeated text messages, expected responses after 2 dates, etc -> emotional needs dependent on the other person) Problem = If you try too hard... all of those things will happen. Ex: social anxiety -> busy thinking in head instead of being empathically connected (internal stimuli vs external) -> lack of emotional mirroring b/c in own head + forced emotions (amplified affect)... Goal = be relaxed, fluctuant affect, range of affect, mirroring; genuinely attend to them... Some people have low tolerance, are easily triggered, have bad communication skills, etc... So, you might not be creepy btw.
While I think many "creepy" labels in a flirting/dating context are an insincere way of saying "doesn't meet my personal preferences", this is pretty good advice for the remaining situations.
@@padarousou Self-limiting belief. Gym, diet, grooming, style and even the ugliest man (except maybe some after severe accidents with missing limbs or damaged face etc) will turn into handsome guy. Even your face will improve, and men aren't really judged on being pretty. Some scars are welcome. Good example of ugly handsome guy is Jeremy Renner.
@@padarousou nah mate, if you're an ugly girl not even other girls give you the time of day. If you have something in common with people, then they might talk to you. (I didn't have close friends and may not have close friends now, it really depends, every person is different. Some will never talk to you about some topics and you just gotta meet them halfway and accept that depth of friendship).
This is super interesting stuff. When I was a kid my classmates were creeped out by me, because I didn't have any kind of autistic masking happening, didn't have a lot of facial affects going on, stared directly into people's eyes from across the room trying to read what normal people facial expressions look like in an interaction. Wish I'd been diagnosed and taught by a professional instead of trying to DIY it by watching anime and making faces in the mirror lol. Thanks Dr. K
I never have been labeled as "creepy" but the reaction is the same. People not use the word "creepy" in my country, they just isolate the person. But in the rest my situation is the same. autistic masking helps us survive.
Yeah my therapist called the staring intimidating, which is more or less the same. I've since tried to stop but I just end up staring at other stuff and being seen as not attentive...I can't win :(
“I just won the lottery and am the happiest person on earth” to me sounds like someone feeling guilted into being happy. “Join me in this bliss” sounds viscerally threatening. Creeped me tf out, 10/10.
I heard a tip recently, if you're not absolutely confident in yourself in a first date or job interview etc, acting slightly nervous actually works better than faking confidence. Because it is already an expected, natural response from a person in your position, it feels more humane to others. So acting confident when you're not is actually risky, you will probably come off creepy and fake.
no way. when i was a teenager i kinda had a psychotic break and i liked to imagine i had a guardian angel always with me. i remember telling my psychologist how weird it was that when i imagined the angel sitting next to me, people on the bus would actually avoid sitting there next to me. i was absolutely convinced he existed and people could perceive him somehow. this makes a lot more sense.
As someone that doesnt talk much i feel this guys pain, ive had multiple jobs / coworkers tell me i would probably shoot up the place if anyone made me upset, tell me "shut up you talk to much" and such, it really is frustrating that us silent types cant just exist as ourselves without people that dont even know us making assumptions, but ive resorted to just telling people that say that shit "maybe you aren't as interesting to talk to as you think you are". Edit: Also from my expirience with my other introverted friends is when we get together we don't stop talking, as a kid my friends parents would say " at first he didnt say a word and now he wont shut up" lol. So comfort is a huge factor too. But you can't get comfortable with people that just trash you for being yourself, so leave them out and find better (:
Pandemic set everyone back by a year. September 2020 though I started my mission to come back with the best social skills I’ve ever had & I succeeded. You can do anything you set your mind to.
My social life went to shit over the pandemic (my fault entirely) and going back to school after not talking to my peers/socializing in anyway over the past year and a half was really difficult
It's not about skill. No matter how much self-help UA-camrs like Improvement Pill try to make you believe it, it's simply not true, and in fact, viewing it as a skill is WHY you are perceived as creepy -- because you fundamentally believe that just acting authentic about how you feel is wrong, because you're nervous or think you're uninteresting or boring or lame or whatever, so you try to ACT normal. You see socializing as a PERFORMANCE. You think it's a skill. No -- people who are fluent socially are not performing. They aren't just better trained than you, either. They're *okay with themselves*, and okay with being themselves, including being disliked. That's the difference. The solution is not trying to develop social ability as a "skill", which will, in fact, make your anxiety worse. The solution is mental health work.
@@GSPV33 you know mabye different rules apply due me being atistic. But i think all the way you disrib that poeple that are succesful are just beter tr ained in acting normaal. But no woman has ever called or found me creepy even to when i am on a first date. I am literly just acting and codeswitching. Personal i think its cause i have very unique way i look. Where i am ether a 10 out of 10 or a 0 for woman.
Great overview. I would like to add some tips too. If you are on a first date, be careful at asking questions such as "where do you work?" and "Where do you live?" and "Do you live alone?" If the other party gives a generic answer "I live in New York City" instead of a specific it is because they just met you, and do not know if they can trust you. If you push, you will seem creepy. Also, inviting your first date to somewhere isolated can be a red flag. Putting that out there for the "but she said she likes to go on hikes...." people. Yeah, a lot of us are concerned about our safety. I think another I have witnessed in the wild.. is going on and on about how pretty someone is. If you wanna say that, say it once and let it go. It becomes really weird to respond to, even if it is a genuine compliment. I wish OP gave more details or that bad first date.
You don't need to know if they live alone, you need to know if they're happy with their living! I try to ask questions about how people feel about things as a follow up to the basic stuff, or what their opinion is. One of my better dates I asked if they had a house and they mentioned a townhome. I actually know which one, there was only one in the city, but I asked how they liked it. And they had SO MUCH to say about it. It was a great topic, lots of fun stories. Creepy bullet I dodged.
AL: A first date, especially with somebody you met online, should be in a public place. A coffee house is god. People are around. And stuff doesn't cost much, so all the dynamics of who pays for what and what is expected back, etc., does not come into play much. Also, it is low pressure, You don't have to wait for a whole meal to be cooked and to eat it to leave if you don't want to hang out with the guy for very long. It doesn't take very long to order a beverage and drink it. And if you do click, you can sit and talk until the place closes. Regardless, sometimes nothing will put them at ease. I met a woman online and set up a coffee date. She called and canceled. Then she messaged me, "I don't feel safe. I don t even know you." Um, yea, that is why people go on those sites, to meet people they don't know. So sometimes it REALLY is not about you. And by you, of course, I mean me.
@@milascave2 "all the dynamics of who pays for what" this should always come into play. We already have women treating men as meal generators, why enable this? Paying for anything, sure - after we are commited...
@@nicolasoliveira4903 Well, first eat enough to hide your neck completely by fat and then follow that tutorial on a man that has options in a place where he for some social reason cannot leave. And even if you would appear creepy men wouldn't probably say anything.
This is interesting from an autistic perspective. When I stopped masking as much and let my affect be flatter, I've gotten much more relaxed and sure of who I am but other people tend to pull away from me more and get more uncomfortable. I've been called aloof as if it's a bad thing. I don't want to change but it feels like there is no winning for me.
I kind of pick and choose my times to mask or not. It's not perfect, but it's been helping me accept I may seem a bit creepy, but it's only cause most folks are speaking a different social language and I'm not translating for them all the time. Like how people assume someone speaking another language is talking about them badly, that's more on that person assuming. It doesn't change people's reactions, but it makes it less my fault and more just circumstance that I'm coming from a different set of parameters.
I think one of the best ways to not be seen as "creepy" is to look non-threatening and approachable. To elaborate, being well groomed, wearing nice fitted clothes, and looking like you didn't roll out of bed will get people to see you less of a creep. Also, being mindful of a conversation and asking people about themselves will get people to open up to you. It also helps not saying dumb shit like talking about gun collecting to a chick or asking what her favorite nail polish is (I know one guy that asked about that lol)
18:22 When Dr. K breaks trying to convince someone to get in his van, I really wish he had a chat widget included in the VODs so we could see chat's reaction
This video helped me realize that to start connecting with others, I must address my depression first. My depression limits my facial expression, and in trying to combat my dead stare by forcing a smile, together with my shyness and social anxiety, I end up with this perfect cocktail of creepiness. I feel like I have been pretty expressionless ever since, and because I was never much of a social guy, I never really trained my facial muscles, which probably makes matters even worse.
“Why do people who don’t talk much get labeled creepy” from someone who doesn’t talk much, it’s definitely more than that. It’s also nonverbal communication that sends potentially awkward or weird signals
Exactly, like if you are waiting and see someone waiting with you but they seem on their own world, using phone, music etc, not talking isn’t viewed as creepy. It’s just how uncomfortable one is with silence and how they show it with body language
Why wouldn't you ask the girl you're on a date with about herself? Not asking her questions is what I'd call retarded, not creepy. You don't want to get to know them? Why'd you agree to the date?
@@axn30158Yeah if you sit still doing absolutely nothing and not talking during a date, that would be considered retarded and women would label that creepy. I prefer the word retarded.
Not talking isn’t creepy. You shoulf say enough to invoke long enthusiastic responses from the woman. The truth is that she would rather hear herself talk than you, and saying too much or the wrong thing can come across as non-masucline and immature. The woman is supposed to be bubbly and giggly as a direct response from what you are saying to her. This is possibly my only saving grace when it comes to socializing with women. I have the perfect blend of dark humor and sarcasm that allows me to invoke laughter on the limited instances where I speak. In summary, not speaking too much isn’t necessarily creepy, but not invoking any type of emotion when you do speak (laughter in particular) is creepy. Finally Point: People rememeber how you made them feel, not what you said.
This is probably the greatest and most helpful explanation of "creepy" i have EVER listened to. Thank you so much. It also explains a lot of why being bullied as a kid can affect social skills so badly. A LOT of teasing in middle school, when kids are the most effective at it, they can cause victims to "get into their own head" by making them self-conscious about things to a point of paralysis. Pointing out and exaggerating insecurities causes preteens to think inwardly and hamper that external thought process and if not checked they become awkward because that insecurity STOPS them from developing past that. That learned self-check as a defense mechanism translates into creepiness later. It inhibits the ability to observe, learn and react to others. I also GREATLY appreciate you NOT keeping the discussion one sided and acknowledging the fact that "creepy" is used as a 'perfect excuse' as an out against someone they don't like without needing to explain themselves. It leaves the person who needs to change with no way to learn how to grow and this subject with no answer is completely different. If someone's a jerk, its EASY to say , hey, be more nice to me, a jerk KNOWS what they need to work on, so they can change. It does bring to the surface that sometimes, people, primarily feminine , who have experienced traumatic experiences are much more sensitive to these creepy aspects to keep themselves safe. Much as those who were teased lean too heavily into self consiousness as a defense mechanism. MANY people are sensitive to these danger signs and are quick to back away. Its up to individuals to respect boundaries regardless. However sometimes finding you creepy IS a them problem, and not a you problem. You can only work on yourself, ultimately stay away from people who make you feel worse about yourself and always respect boundaries and learn to pay attention to others.
'Fake it until you make it' actually worked in my case. When I was in middle school, I had had enough of being so socially anxious and self-conscious that I could barely talk or keep my eyes above ground level. I decided I was going to learn to be funny and confident and likable, and I could only get better by practicing. What's more, I realised that by already being at rock bottom, I had nothing to lose, and therefore nothing to fear! So I started just making jokes, greeting people, and smiling. It was all very rigid and awkward, but even though my jokes weren't landing and I wasn't making people magically like me, I was still just so happy from the bottom of my heart to be doing anything other than starting silently at the floor for once. And then, bit by bit, a funny thing started to happen - people started responding to me! Laughing at my jokes, smiling and greeting me back, engaging in conversation. I think that even though I was 'acting' more socially smooth than I was, they could feel the genuine joy that was radiating out of me, and that made them start to feel happy for me too. From there it was just an upward spiral of positivity until my social skills and confidence felt naturally part of me! So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're on the outside looking in and longing to be like the people who have friends to hang out with like an unspoken sense of belonging, you really CAN just grind social skills until it starts working! Because I promise you, blank stares and awkward stilted laughter feels like HEAVEN in comparison to self-isolation. And people in general will forgive a lot when they see someone keep at it and show determination to fight through their fears.
I haven't actually tried dating for about 5 years at this point but I worry that my anxious self keeps creating this effect with platonic relationships as well. Once im comfortable with people I tend to lose the worry of putting my foot in my mouth, and it's something I'm typically open about, but it hasn't always worked well. I haven't been referred to as "creepy" since high school but I can't shake the impression that people are just too polite.
Im on 10 years since my last relationship for mostly depression based reasons. About to get back into the scene. Be true to yourself, be kind to others, try not to get carried away, n hope for the best is how im goin into it. Best of luck to you
I do give off that vibe as well. I have an angry looking pokerface, and even though I'm very short, I've been told I look scary mean like a literal serial killer. I don't feel bad for it that much, most of the time. It happens to be pretty useful. Nobody picks on me like back in school. Nobody tries to prey on my weaknesses. Salesmen don't try to take advantage of me, etc. The only time I feel bad about it is when I happen to be walking behind a girl or a woman at dusk or at night with my hoodie with my hood pulled up hands in pockets and she looks behind because she can hear I'm walking in the same direction as her and she accelerates the pace thinking I'm following her with malicious intents. I'll typically take the next street to take a detour so as to relieve her fear and I'll feel bad about it.
I think you should maybe go for people that aren’t neurotypical. My boyfriend was kinda in the same boat as you, very insecure and anxious, but since I have had similar feelings and experiences as he did cuz I’m autistic we could relate to eachother better!! I feel like people with extra normal brains just don’t get it and are often more judgey.
It will happen and it still happens to me, my friends just realize that I'm human and so I make mistakes like everyone. You just need to find people who are not toxic by judging everything you do
Just want to add that being an introvert is not what makes people creepy...some women like introverts. Also, some of what Dr. K described in the dating scenario could result from awkwardness. Awkwardness is not creepy and can even sometimes be endearing. What makes a person really really creepy in a dating scenario is when they look like they are hiding something or being disingenuous. Someone who doesn't share anything about themselves even as you share a lot about yourself can also come across as creepy. I think that is what might have happened with the OP's date. Also, continuous unblinking eye contact, especially if you aren't saying much, can feel really creepy.
People like those former examples if they're leaned into positively, and aware of. If you're on the socially awkward side, those traits can still be offputting and not explained away as a positive. People are terrible at teaching others this, and a history of self doubt and awkwardness will lead to more self doubt and awkwardness. I forgot which video he mentioned that last sentence. We also need to redefine introverts away from socially awkward, they just speak in smaller groups and can also be ignorant assholes in those small spaces.
this video made me feel awful because I have autism and I feel like my body just naturally does shit that people find creepy. the only person who hasn't loved me through a screen was someone who later went on to help people with mental illness. i wish i could find someone like her again.
Hey man. I’m a stutterer and my face blocks when I speak sometimes, so it made me feel a bit bad too. It’s not your intention though, and I’m pretty sure Dr.K would say that as well. Just because you exhibit these features doesnt mean you actually are these features
Same. As a fellow autist, I kinda feel shitty too now knowing that my flattened affect and monotone voice actually make me seem *creepy* to other people -not just socially odd, awkward, or a poor conversationalist, but literally creepy. 😢 Long ago I accepted that my persona is off-putting to others but I never realized I’m creepy. However, this explains A LOT. 😢
As a person who was born blind, I missed a lot of the nonverbal communication we learn growing up. I had to have friends and family sit down with me as a young adult and help me practice some of the more complicated nonverbal expressions. A friend with autism was actually the most effective teacher because he spent so much time having to learn to mask that he was able to make some facial expressions relatable to me. He explained that I unintentionally gave creepy vibes because my affect was always a little off. He then helped me practice just the right amount of facial expression and attempt at eye contact to not be perceived as creepy. I still occasionally have to remind myself to smile, or to stop smiling, or to look in the general direction of the person I'm talking with, but not too long of course. That friend explained that "creepy" is someone doing something just outside the norm.
This resonates with me. I was nicknamed "The Terminator" because I have flat affect regardless of what is going on around me. I was taught to hide my affect/emotions because others around me consistently responded negatively and a flat affect seemed "safe". Takeaways: It is ok to relax and allow my face and body to react naturally to things around me. I shouldn't force my face into a certain shape, because it may come off as creepy. Also, people may respond negatively regardless of my expression because something is going on with them that doesn't involve me. Or even they respond negatively to me but that is ok as long as I am expressing myself naturally. Good stuff.
I think it's because lower emotional intelligence in men than women. We can pick up more hints because we had in order to survive. Geez men can be dangerous. We have to know how to read all the red flags
I've ADHD. I've never been told anything about being creepy. I've only ever seen that word used for someone trying to hook up with a married woman or in general (at the workplace). I just bounce subjects quickly or say the most random thing ever when somebody walk by lol
I once had a guy I was on a first date with compare me to the dog from UP because I got distracted by a bright green car, lol. Then he kept negging me and making fun of my little ADHD quirks which made him a totally jackhole. He only became a creep once he tried to peer pressure me into a kiss then leave without saying goodbye because I pulled away from his kiss.
Nah. Creepy isn't a person getting distracted from focusing on me, it's a person focusing TOO much on me. Like, looking at me so intently and with such obsessive energy that they miss a facial expression. Trust me there's a big difference in the way it makes you feel.
@@Gchili and yet when I zone out the world in front of me and I forget to turn my head, people still give me freaked out looks. It doesn’t matter if it appears intense. I do this a lot
The reason I love psychology it's not because I'm depressed or have serious issues nor anything like that, it's because it puts into words, things that otherwise would be subconscious. That accurate description of human reality really fascinates me.
This isn't entirely relevant but to me it kind of explains why the silent treatment is so hurtful. You know the other person is angry, but they try to keep a neutral expression and ignore you, or worse, they smile and pretend they're okay while you sense that something is wrong beneath the surface. That masking of emotion is unsettling because you don't know exactly what you're dealing with - did you do something wrong? Did they just have a bad day? Covert anger is scarier to me than overt anger because I don't know where I stand with the other person. At least with overt anger I can understand the other person, maybe empathize, or maybe defend myself if needed, and it's not as scary so long as the other person doesn't start attacking me or throwing things. The emotions are being released. Can it still be hurtful? Absolutely. But it doesn't feel as bad since everything is out in the open.
Could not agree more. Someone who refuses to let you know when you've made them upset raises MASSIVE red flags in my opinion. Keeping anger in hurts both people a LOT
It's manipulative in a way that is not truthful. I had this experience with people who are doing good in front of you, act as if they simpathize with you, but behind you, they kinda just take whatever your concern as not important. What's worse: it's a work setting and they rely on you so much but DONT WANT TO CARE AT ALL ABOUT YOUR CONCERN, DONT WANT TO FIX THE PROBLEM, AND JUST DUMP IT ALL ON YOU, AND ACT AS IF "oh we're so overworked, oh we're so hurt by your words, oh what you said is not important, oh you should've help us" But not fixing the problem at all and just complaining and act nice as if just by acting nice while being part of the problem will make the problem go away. And the worst part is that you actually cared at first, actually genuinely helped them out a lot bcs you saw it as your responsibility, until you burned out and started to see the problems and when you pointed the problems in order to genuinely fix this, you were being gasligthed
Yeah it sucks and it took me a long while to realized that i was being gaslighted and manipulated. It felt so bad. It's like i was the one gaslighting them until i realised i've been professional all this time and always done my job so well i even improved a lot of things. But ofc people wont see it that way 🤷♀️ they manipulated people to pity them, and not taking accountability of their mistakes while all you did was fixing those mistakes and you even once protected them.
I'm sorry, all the "you" in my story is me. I really wish these people understand my point of view but it's a lost cause 🤷♀️ i am still trying to heal from those manipulation and trust that broken and the hurt for being gaslighted so much
Im an introvert that learnt skills from the extrovert skill tree through years of effort. I was always a massive introvert who was bullied growing up. This made me incredibly shy, awkward, unfunny and yes, creepy as a teenager. Then when I was 15 after being really lonely and realising how unlikeable I as, I decided to change. I forced myself to be in more social situations and to observe more closely how people acted, and every night I would reflect on what ive learnt, while the following morning I would meditate to put what ive learnt to practice in the day. I did that daily for about 3 years, and then transitioned to doing it every now and then all the way till today. And like, it works! Through effort I really retaught myself how to handle social situations, and now I find it really really easy and natural to talk to people from all walks of life. In fact, im very frequently mistaken for an extrovert since a sociable introvert is so rare. I still make mistakes sometimes of course, but its always easy to laugh it off and just learn from each experience. What matters here is that yes, it IS possible for introverts to be sociable. If you're a shy introvert please dont think that you'll always remain that forever till the day you die, its 100% possible to teach yourself social skills to handle yourself in everyday conversations.
"I did that daily for about 3 years, and then transitioned to doing it every now and then all the way till today. " I sometimes feel it is *creepy* to do this, but reality is: Extroverted people do it automatically and they enjoy it.
I totally did this too. So I can attest to that it works. Observe what people do & try and test it out. Start small, and work your way up. I'm not even sure that like what you describe as part of the introvertedness is actually innately part of this trait. I think it often has to do with bullying and having a lot of negative feedback when you were small. You essentially learned that showing yourself and interacting with others was dangerous and so you didn't. This means that you both didn't get exposed to normal social cues as much, didn't get as much practice. But also that you actually learned to downplay everything to be 'safe'. But just as you can unlearn these things you can totally _relearn_ social interaction cues and behavior. It takes more intentional practice, but as you said, it _does_ become a more automatic thing over time.
Extrovert with less stamina points. In all seriousness tho, mad respects to you for really expanding your capabilities. I've got autism, but knowing that, makes me value freeing yourself from what your expected limits are, and really pushing into uncharted/challenging territory is something I strive to do like you have. So seriously, keep up the good work. You inspire others through the results of your efforts💯
@@LincolnakaOnion It is actually not creepy. Especially if your honnest with it in a conversation. People will respect for trying. This is the same as having experiences, but people who are behind in life have to catch up so it isnt really a automatic process. Automatic or not, its the same thing but with added conscius orsomething I feel like your giving a bad energy when saying that you feel its creepy, lets bring people up instead of down.
OK, this is seriously worrying me, because you are legitimately describing things that I do. I've never been called creepy, but I struggle a lot with showing emotion in public because of, as you say, social anxiety. I talk to myself (thankfully only in private), and tend to have a distance from things happening around me, and underreact to everything, which I always saw as deadpan humour until I couldn't stop doing it.
Worry less. The real issue is the ever increase amount of anti social kids pouring out of schools and colleges. Who are afraid and creeped out by everything they interact with. Like FFS girl grow a back bone. I'm trying to hit you up for sex. And you're worried you might say the wrong thing and ruin your chances - Event that happened to me 3 months back.
Now that Dr. K. mentioned these, I remember waking up my mother as a young child, just because looking at her face being still put a heavy uneasy feeling on me. And when she woke up the feeling went away instantly. I never knew why.
all you need to do is check their pulse dude you dont gotta bother them lol you can put two fingers to the outside of their wrist to check pulse. google if you need@jacksonaxesonsaxson
As an Autistic dude, I feel like there is a real urge to try to manifest some kind of "normal" social behaviour to address the issues we can have with it (basically masking) but what I have learned is that trying too hard is definitely not the solution. I have found accepting that people are going to work out that I am a bit different, and focusing on just connecting with them, ensuring I attend to them and what they are saying and letting myself respond naturally FOR ME, while giving a small amount of attention to verbal softeners, mirroring and checking in, but not too much, is giving me really nice results when I am around neurotypicals. When I am around Autistic and other neurodivergent folk it doesn't come in as much, in terms of displaying expression, but that is because they recognise the ways I naturally express a desire to make them feel more comfortable and connected. For us I think this is often a matter of culture between neurotypes more than a deficit. For NTs, I am "hospitable" in conversation by reassuring them with normative social cues and in ND interactions I do it by allowing room for monologuing about special interests then asking questions about what they said, making my boundaries clear so they aren't having to guess, warning ahead of time when I am getting ready to end the interaction etc. My key point here is that once you learn which things will make the people around you more comfortable (and that is a skill that takes practice), you can focus less on trying hard and the only thing to focus on is being yourself while concentrating on the other person and you can react in that more natural way. I hope sharing that can help someone :)
The ugly truth is that many woman feel unsafe at the date with any unfamiliar man. Trusting your irrational gut feeling can literally save your life. In most cases it is about safety not about insulting and humiliating introverts or neuro divergente people.
@@rickymort135 attractiveness is charming, generally. It doesn't mean that if you're hot you can be as creepy as you want though. It's more of a moderate bias people have towards attractiveness.
Something I noticed about me back in college vs me now is that I seem to do well with woman when I am not romantically attracted to them. What I mean by that is, it’s not that they aren’t pretty or the kind of person I couldn’t date. It’s that when I meet a woman under normal circumstances, at least within the past year, apparently I have better charisma. It’s not rocket science and I get why. It’s because I don’t have any preconceived goals or notions I am just talking to them like another human being. Back in college, the few girls I have had crushes on I completely destroyed my chances with them beyond recovery because I creeped them out by trying to be friendly but not to friendly and it creates this thing where I wasn’t coming off as genuine. It wasn’t till after college I seemed to have learned that the best advice is the most cliche. Just be yourself. If you yourself had some flaws then address them but in general the best results come when you just treat the other person as a fellow human being. I mean, I haven’t actively been trying to get into a relationship. For all I know the woman around me would friendzone me. I guess the bright side is at least they seem to genuinely enjoy my company by actively initiating conversation with me. I think the other side of the equation comes from what I have learned from listing to Jordan Peterson. You want to be approachable but not a push over. That’s seems to come with practice and being able to know your boundaries.
11:50 paradoxically, the creepy smile made me laugh, and the normal smile didn't have any effect xD You looked deep into my soul there and that was hilarious to me
Some people are just VERY creepy naturally, and I feel so, so extremely bad for them. It's hard because they tend to be clingy and some of them are in desperate need for human interaction. The uncanny valley is the perfect way to describe the feeling of when something clicks in your brain telling you that something is off about the person when you're in a conversation with them. It's like an internal alarm that rings when someone does something that feels weird. Creepy. I often experience it more with neurodivergents, mostly autistic men. It's sad because they can't fix it.
34:00 Most important advice imo. Try to remember that dates are not one-sided. It's not like a job interview where you're trying to do a song and dance for an interviewer to see if you get to eat next month. You're both trying to figure each other out
For a lot of guys, dates ARE like interviews, unfortunately. Due to cultural norms and gender roles, the onus is usually on the guy to impress the girl. All she has to do is show up and look presentable.
@@DarkPrince784 i used to share this belief. But now I disagree. If a girl isn't even making the effort and is showing no interest, that tells you all you need to know. "Next" her. Move on. Don't get attached and don't base your self worth on her approval. Why would you give any stranger so much power over you? Do not give your heart out to someone who's just gonna throw it away like a used napkin. Don't crawl through miles of broken glass for someone who isn't even willing to walk ten paces for you
Some of my co-workers called me a psycho because I nervous laughed while saying my dog died some years ago. I smile when I'm nervous because it relieves some of the stress of the situation and that fucks up my social reputation.
That's pretty unfair. Its similar to me, I have the tendency to shut down and make joke because otherwise it would wreck me. Hyenas have a similar behavior if they are under Alot of stress or pressure.
I am the same when sad/angry/nervous/etc. I have found people seem to feel a lot more comfortable when you acknowledge the "odd" response right away. For example, I will just be like, "Sorry I don't actually find this funny...I just laugh when I'm nervous. It's super awesome" with a bit of an eye roll during the last part.
I can't cry when something goes wrong, just when my mind breaks after trying to dealing with something without showing that I'm not okay. When someone tells me a sad story or something goes wrong I start laughing.
I started laughing uncontrollably when my friends aunt got hit by the big door and her eye instantly swelled. I don't and didn't know why. I wished I could stop. It was not nice and I didn't want to become it looks sad and possibly embarrassing. But I was embarrassed and I couldn't stop. remembering the feeling almost makes me want to laugh although it was uncomfortable. Glad you know why you did something uncomfortable. Hopefully you can find more acceptable strategies.
This explanation of what causes the feeling of things being "creepy" would be an amazing resource for a writer to help tell stories that evoke the intended feelings
Just realizing this explains a lot , especially having autism so there’s an added layer of reading / expressing for me . I may start practicing expressions or seek coaching . Not sure what the best method of improvement would be for this but I appreciate you Dr. k for making me more aware !
Learn to physically feel what your body does with different expressions. Feel how your face sits different when you make an angry face with a scrunched brow and a snarl, versus a cheerful, toothy grin with squinted eyes & round cheeks.
In social circles, seeing how your friends/peers react to certain statements and reflecting on how you acted/thought can be helpful too. If someone got sand in their eye, and you are flat affect yet inwardly concerned, but everyone around is making a worried face and outwardly expressing concern, making a mental note to put on a worried face next time a similar event happens (and commenting out loud about how you're worried for them) can help you accumulate a mask. Just a random example of course. :-( sad that it's needed to not seem creepy, but it can be done without coaching. People like to feel seen and validated so even if you keep a flat affect because you can't fake expressions, saying what you're feeling can help a lot.
@@theRPGmaster Eh, not really as simple as that. As Dr. K said, you need a wide range of fluctuating emotions to not be seen as creepy. Three is a good start and definitely more than 1 or 0, but it should be a starting point to lead into displaying more nuanced expressions-- if your goal is to come off as not creepy to more ppl
I've always said the main reason why homeless creep or piss people off is because they're a lot like loiterers. The nature of homelessness is to lack a whole heap of visual context clues as to what categories of behavior the homeless are likely to engage in. Example: A park scene. People playing a game will eventually finish and return home to wash their clothes and eat, maybe you might know the game and understand it's rules so you pick a team to cheer for. A dad playing with his kid will hang around the playground then do a lap and go home. Early 20s guy with a DSLR will take pictures and text Jenna again to ask why she hasn't responded yet. What about a homeless man? What must he do to preserve his life as it is? What behaviors are acceptable from him to keep what he has? Well so far it appears he has nothing so you're not sure what he must keep or what he wants to gain outside of the obvious. You have very few visual cues or context to guess his motivations therefore you have no solid mental lists of things he will likely do or more importantly lists of what he will NOT do. Currently the list of what he could do is a hell of a lot longer than what you would guess he wouldn't. Therefore, he's a wild card for now and all you can assume is that he wants to stay alive and do whatever comes to mind.
27:00 this reminds me of something I heard, not sure how true. Allegedly if you have little kids, like toddlers age, and you gave them a cup of water and say something like "ok go sit, don't spill it", at some point saying "don't spill it" too many times, or over and over, makes the kid spill more, idea being they focus so intently on "not spilling" their cup that they stop paying attention to other stimulus, in this case the rug they're about to trip over and spill the drink everywhere. Relates to this because like yes you have to pay attention to what faces you're making but you also have to pay attention to the conversation or task at hand. If someone doesn't click with your emotional affect after a couple times maybe you're just not right for each other, there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe you "don't smile enough" for one person but the right amount for another
I've always felt like I come off as creepy to new people who I want to connect with but can never put my finger on why. What Dr. K said here about having social anxiety and becoming too enthusiastic or overthinking what to say that reactions don't reflect what's going on resonated with me. I may be an introvert but after starting to live alone I do want to make more meaningful connections so I hope that I can work on this.
My sister recently had a baby with moebius syndrome, it's all i could think of while watching this. The poor soul will get confused as someone creepy just for some primitive instinct. It's just heart breaking
This explains so much about why our middle-school guidance counselor used to creep us all out... she smiled ALL the time, never frowned, never wore a neutral expression, I still remember in 7th grade (20 years ago now) the little half smile she had on her face while nodding along to my friend telling her how she was feeling about her mother just passing away.
I've noticed that this is something I used to struggle with but I've massively improved in the last few years of my life and all it was is, as you put it, attentiveness to other people. Show others that you care about what they are saying in the moment, mirror their emotional state, all of that makes people so much more comfortable around me than they were when I was growing up
My god he explained my social anxiety perfectly. I never listen to people intently, not on purpose, but because I want to make sure I’m appearing normal. Way too many things are happening in my head even during small talk. I hate my brain
This is why I always wish I could treat everyone as if I already knew them. If I know someone I can just talk to them without thinking about how I’m acting, and I know that if I learns how to treat strangers the same way I treat people I know, I could get a lot more people to like me.
@@emmanarotzky6565 I literally forget to breathe sometimes when I’m talking to someone because I’m focused on posture, eye contact limits, body language, distance and things to say. Forgetting the most basic thing lol
I'm half way in, but had to say, great work breaking this down. I use these strategies to inject humor and uncertainty into storytelling, to elicit emotional responses. Now i know why it works so well. I can't wait to show my creepy roommate this. I didn't know how to tell him what he was doing wrong. Watching him scare women away "acting nice." He does all of these.
I love what he said about loneliness makes you sad and sadness makes you ugly because it's true. I've seen it with my gma. I was raised in a place where boundaries weren't well respected and I'm trying to figure out how to protect and read other people's emotional boundaries. Also, loneliness makes you desperate which pushes people away. I've been having a hard time with that. I want to figure out how to resolve my own loneliness without relying on someone else to make me feel better. Nobody deserves to have that forced on them. It's a problem I have to figure out and hopefully I can start feeling better.
In dating scenarios, or even flirting, having a bag of "ice breakers" is really damn helpful. Something reliably funny and preferrably self-referential.... it says soooo much about you! If funny isn't your thing, questions are just so damn safe, go with questions. Be curious. Also, this video was weirdly comforting. My face tends to wear emotion pretty loudly. To the point where complete strangers can tell if I'm sad or pissed off as hell. I have no chance of hiding emotions. 😂 Conversely, when I'm happy, I'm happy as hell and everyone's gonna know about it!
I think often times boys aren't taught to respect boundaries, whereas girls are severely punished socially for failing to do so. As a result, more men grow up to be creepy in the boundary-crossing way than women. Also, creepiness comes down to perceived danger, and since men are generally more of a physical threat to women than vice versa, a lot more men get labelled creep than women.
@@YuniX2 I highly disagree. I think it's the lack of communication during upbringing and the lack of interaction between the two sexes. Sometimes even, lack of friendship circles.
What lack of interaction? Boys and girls are literally raised in the same places, they go to the same schools, they have male and female family members… where are they not interacting with each other??
really insightful, especially the part about respecting boundaries. i think honest communication helps a lot with the “relax and be with the person” part. imo just saying “i have autism, which can lead to restricted affect” or “i have social anxiety so i may seem stuck in my head” or “i am worried that i will screw up this date” can automatically make you seem more personable/down to earth
This video was such a rollercoaster of emotions to watch with all of Dr. K's demonstrations ahahaahhaha This is fascinating and makes soooo much sense!!
In terms of connection between introversion and affect that I found is that if I'm socially exhausted or just mentally exhausted from work for example then I put less energy into interaction with people and it can come off as monotone/ emotionless and that kind of kills the mirroring effect.
The part about emotional needs really hit close to home. Respecting physical boundaries is no issues in respecting that obviously, it’s the interacting boundaries is where things go wrong. This is the part that really stumbles me and relationships end so early. The reason why texting gets into my head to much is I over think too much without inputs. The date and meeting for classes goes great, on topic, super socialable, great time with friends, and easy going. It’s when she is busy or haven’t texted in a couple days is when I over think and don’t control my impulse to text or even one call that they ask not to be contacted again.
I feel like violating boundaries is much more important in that equation than being unresponsive, even the most expressive, seemingly empathetic person is threatening if they don't respect boundaries, but when it's the other way around you are more likely to be labelled 'absent' or 'uninterested' than 'creepy' (if it's not extreme)
The "creepy" label is a harsh one, and it can be a really confusing social minefield, that i've definitely had to navigate myself. However aside from a therapist - you can work through these things with just regular people. I feel a lot of people (including me) think there's a special way to talk romantically over talking to a new person platonically, but the social skills are very very close. People drop a lot of clues, even in small - talk, which if you actively listen, respond and relate will really attract a person both platonically and romantically. Naturally this doesnt take into account the people you just won't click with - but we can't control that, and its a common experience for most people.
Creepy is a describing word. Like how someone can be loud, or sporty, or enthusiastic, by doing things that are loud/sporty/enthusiastic. Don't take it personally if people notice a pattern of behaviour that comes across as creepy, and label it as such. If you keep doing the things Dr K has identified, maybe work backwards and figure out why you feel the need to keep doing things that are evolutionarily determined as "uncanny".
@@alexandramaclachlan7597 Yeh, but it’s still harsh for people on the receiving end, often times people that are creepy also have not enough social intelligence to assess what caused their creepiness, it’s a downward spiral
@@alexandramaclachlan7597 I really dont think its the same as "sporty" or "enthusiastic" - because its not a spectrum. Someone won't be repelling by being any of your examples - as being loud or sporty isn't a bad thing, unless its in an extreme and even then that'll only be too much for most people, not all, but absolutely no one likes "creepy". Although its not a personality trait it all comes down to comfort and although Dr Ks descriptions of what displays it are accurate, they're not the cause, which is what makes it so difficult.
I feel like I don't click with a lot of people. I have that problem a lot which sucks when you are dating. I have had dates where the connection is there and then it ends and I wonder was it me 🤷♂️
Ok, I know this is a year later, but: "People drop a lot of cues" AND WHAT ARE THEY? HOW DO I RECOGNIZE THEM? I've heard this repeated over and over, but NOBODY has ever given me a straight answer. It's always extremely generic stuff like "body language" which basically don't tell you anything, because they NEVER explain what kind of body language I shoud look out for.
This makes so much sense. I meet this weird guy briefly during covid. When I first ran into him he was wearing a mask so I only noticed the things he said that felt hyperbolic or clingy, but I assumed he was joking and mirroring my snark rather than being serious. The second time he wasn't wearing a mask and I noticed that his facial expressions were off. He would smile too long at me and then look dead pan while flirting. At the end of the day the reason I cut him off was physical boundaries, but I find it interesting that I missed what would be a creepy red flag bc of covid masks lol.
20:44 Bro every time you "act creppy" I smile at how relatable that is then you come and tell me is a caricature... But seriously, Thank you for explaining this stuff. Didn't find any of the slide examples "creppy" so will be usefull to know why people do (so maybe I can try to not come off as creppy as well)
Video on point! I'd just add that introversion/extroversion doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sociability. Many extroverts recharge their battery alone. They are just usually going to be engaged with an external medium/external stimuli most of the time even after that alone time. Introverts usually feel most comfortable being in their own thoughts. They always inernalise a thought, emotion etc, before externalising energy. It's essentially reactive vs proactive cognition.
Anybody else find it hard to express happiness facially, yet still laugh a lot? I can be depressed and dead faced all day but then if something weird happens I'll burst out laughing. Its like the world doesn't make sense and I find that funny. Inappropriate social reactions are like the bedrock of my humor so I usually just find "creepy" people funny. This one time when I was younger I had to read something terrible about the holocaust aloud in class, and like obviously I thought it was terrible, but I thought "imagine if I started laughing right now", and it was just such an absurd thought that I couldn't stop laughing. I did this with several presentations throughout school, like just random presentations, where I would just die laughing the entire time and nobody knew why
@@Kanye2028 They were like 'YOU CANT LAUGH AT THIS" and I started laughing even harder because of how inappropriate it was. I also once gave a presentation in university while on LSD. Good times.
Its nice to see a mental health professional be more nuanced with social relations advice. A lot of directions I've gotten (from mental health professionals!) has boiled down to "stop feeling strong emotions, just talk about it," and giving me meds that just shut my brain off. So as butthurt as it makes me to hear that I have to change how my face works to not be seen as offputting and that having a weird affect outs me as disordered. it's nice to hear that people get when you freak someone out, they aren't just gonna talk it out with you even if you have good intentions.
Video is full of gold. Just the part about neutral affect - freezing your facial expression at any point seems like a genius way to mentally torture people and creep them out but possibly without them even realizing it.
Ugh. This whole discussion on creepiness and boundaries... Man, you basically described how I devolved from my girlfriend when I was high school. I'm disappointed in how I made those mistakes, but I'm grateful now that I know what I did wrong and how I can grow into a better person.
Don’t blame yourself it’s how we were socialized as genders unfortunately. Men are taught to claim us and we’re supposed to be doormats. I totally was like that in high school. I stayed with an abusive guy I should have left a lot sooner, I regret it and made mistakes too, but you’re aware now. I’ve even broken boundaries too in friendships and feel terrible like if they say stop doing that it’s annoying and I push their buttons and now I’m older I’m like man that’s no different then men who kept pestering me for sex or other things. It’s all about respect and consent and for you too. Men have boundaries women can violate as well.
Think it’s safest to not try to “flirt” with people if you are unsure about your ability to interact socially. Ask them on dates, connect, communicate, and then “flirt” with someone who you share a small bond with 🎉
imo it is creepy to ask on a date a person, who you've never flirted with (even a bit) and don't feel any connection to. Non-verbal stuff should come before verbal, and verbal stuff should come before decision making. Date is kinda a minivan, which is not as easy to get out from once you've stepped into it.
@@alanklm nahhh, cause if u just state your intentions you wanna date them but not flirt on the date or through texts, it shows that you are interested in them romantically but also want to know them first, once you formed a bond and you know they are comfortable with you, then it opens the door to flirting. Dating is not necessarily like a done deal like you have to only be with that person. You can always communicate with the person that you wanna be friends instead too if you find that you dont like them like that
@@fighterwalkthrough dating is a done deal because you agree to be with this person for a some amount of time on THIS SPECIFIC date. If you change you mind it won't be easy for you to don't go on the date. So you need to have A Reason to agree on the date in the first place.
@@alanklm sure u would need a reason to agree to go with them on the first place, for some people its looks, for others the person who asked them thought they had a good personality etc, but the point of dating is getting to know someone more (in 1 on 1 scenario), and once you learn about that person via dating, thats when you decide for yourself, do you want to pursue this or not? and if not then you gotta say early on in the relationship, "hey, i would much rather be friends" or something along hte lines of that. You can also date multiple people at the same time. it doesnt mean you are exclusive with one person only.
I now know why I get weird looks in the grocery store. Its because I remind myself out loud in second person what I need to get next. Glad to know its not an appearance thing and that it is apparently a little creepy to randomly say "you need to get onions" quietly but decidedly audibly at no one in particular
I do similar things so when I find someone doing things like that in public, I smile and immediately think, ‘I bet we’d make great friends! 😁’ so just know that some of us like you the way you are 🤗
This is exactly something I can't stand and totally hate. My mom is doing this constantly. Please shut the fu*k up I want to here my own thoughts not yours...
This whole video hits HARD! Especially the earlier points. I have never had the guts to even dare make a move ever since a very bad experience I had with a girl when I was in high school a decade ago. Won’t share specifics on here. Any time I see a woman who I think I would like to date, I don’t even attempt an approach or make any slight remarks that could be left open to interpretation. I only keep them as just friends at most in my personal life or keep it professional if it is anyone I’m associated with at work. I did have a relationship at one point, but she made the moves to initiate and also the one to break it up. I have been single for the last six years. I have learned a lot since then that makes me now avoid dating entirely.
I personally think *this* type of content should be part of Dr. K's guide. This is what gamers actually need help with once they've leveled up with the rest of the guide.
I'm autistic so I often come across as creepy because of not understanding subtle social clues (or even not so subtle ones haha), it is interesting to listen to this and see if I can manage to make some changes. I don't want to make people around me feel uncomfortable, it's just that I truly don't get any of this if no one explains it explicitly to me...
Someone wrote "you could be a horror film actress" into my year book (in Germany we only do this for high school graduation). So much for being creepy 😂. To be fair, all throughout high school I did my best to keep my distance from everyone outside my close friend group. But I have after that frequently experienced that people think I'm weird because I don't talk much aswell. More outgoing people just don't know what to do with that. For them it's like talking to a wall. Eventually, I met my now boyfriend of four and a half years and there's nothing better than sitting side by side in silence. He likes me for being the quiet type, who doesn't talk much and I can feel at ease around him because there's no pressure to keep a conversation going.
Something I have been trying out lately, not in a dating context so far. Since I can't micromanage all aspects of my body language, I kinda try to let the feeling or vibe I want to project kinda flow through me. Like, a friend wants emotional support, want to talk about something painful. Rather than overthinking what I should say to be supportive, I just focused on kinda vibing with them. Putting myself in a headspace of empathy. And yeah, for me it helps to think of it in a spiritual way. And maybe in this way I do manage to communicate with them at some metaphysical level. But that is really not necessary, the point is putting myself in a mindspace where my body language naturally adapt to the situation. I did an experiment on this, when taking a selfie. I used to have a problem when being photographed, overthinking my facial expression and such. But this time, I just focused on kinda filling my body with a good vibe. And that selfie came out great.
I'd like to add to this that a lot of things we consider to be creepy seem to correlate with *predatory behavior.* Someone is staring intensely at you with an unflinching smile? That's a primate about to jump at you and bite you. But, in the same sense, someone that is trying to get you to like them is *technically* just as predatory; it's a tailored act aimed to manipulate you in a certain way that is beneficial to their goal - a goal which might or might not have your best interests in mind. I mean, yeah, there is no ill intent. You aren't trying to rob them or something. But someone that *would* would utilize the exact same methods, and that's why it comes across as creepy.
@Gaius I've never thought about that. Then, for someone who means no ill-intent, how should one get to be liked genuinely? I mean, I don't think anyone in this world wants be hated.
@@IGamingStation well if u r on a date , instead of rehearsing the conversation in ur mind and calculating what ur next words should be . Just be natural and be yourself . If you do that you wouldnt give off "they're tryna manipulate me and prey on me" creepy vibes . You would be a normal interesting potential bf/gf . Its the same when it comes to friendships , people can still be creepy even if they arent interested in dating
@@DimaRakesah Let's face it, if the guy is attractive it's not a problem. This is usually why there are so many women crying over "fuck boys", and the "creep" guy often wouldn't make women suffer.
Trying is so exhausting though 😭😔 having to constantly think about your facial expressions and tone is so much work if it doesn’t come naturally 🥲 I’m autistic and I’ve gotten pretty good at masking and gauging people, I’m probably too good at it honestly. Whenever I’m in a bad mood though or don’t want to try I get called creepy or something cuz my voice is like monotone and flat and my face is like •_• or maybe I’ll stare at someone for too long cuz I’m zoned out. Why can’t I just live 😭
I've found that in studies and whatnot, when autistic people interact with each other there are no issues and they don't have to mask. Maybe reach out to people to make friends in an Autism Discord group or something like that? That's what I plan to do once I get a proper diagnosis but it could take years :/
Thiiisss. 😭 I’ve just come to accept myself whenever I don’t have the energy to mask. My intentions are good and people pick up on that at least and look past my monotone voice and blank stare lol. I like what Beth said on making friends who are autistic esp on discord. I have neurodivergent friends and it’s so comforting and refreshing that they can relate to me. Plus Im So lucky to work with people who are understanding, accepting and adapt to whenever I can’t keep up with masking. Good luck and I wish you the best ✨
Willem Dafoe as Norman Osborne/Green Goblin in Spiderman is such a great example of creepy the way you're describing it. I just keep picturing him for all your examples of creepy behaviours. Also the goblin mask when he's wearing it is stuck in a perpetual evil smile no matter what he's saying or doing, while the brow also looks furrowed in a stare/glare so it's like smiling AT you in a way that is very intentional and aggressive/predatory-feeling.
Just found out I might just have social anxiety at around 26 minutes Ty Dr.K. It always felt like I am putting on an act when interacting with people and I’m always thinking OK how did that go and critiquing myself.
There is a personal limit for the internal stimuli I have. The speaking of inner monologue when someone is crafting, doesn't matter what is being crafted, I like seeing the process of creation unfold, and hearing the problems and the solutions they come up with.
I think what I take from this is that we should accept that we're going to be creepy sometimes whether we know it or not. What we can do to help are to find people who love us even when we're unacceptable and to not withdraw from life, as facing life over and over again is what will allow us to socially acclimate, and discomfort is part of the process. Also, keep in mind that sometimes it's a superpower to go against the group, that the will of the group is often cruel and inhuman. We don't need the whole world to love us, only to be connected to others.
All of this is predicated on you caring for the other person, being able to relax around them, and having some internal sense of what they must be feeling beyond what they show you. If you’re trying to come across as neurotypical, it is e.g. your responsibility to keep track of self-focused tangents that are typical of ASD
Perhaps you should consider the possibility that most genuine people wear their emotions on their face. Trying to read their mind to figure out if they're being genuine with you doesn't help you mirror them that's more you getting stuck in your head. If you're trying to mirror them then you'll go with what they give you, and the more comfortable they get the more their deeper emotions come out.
@@platcrab4890 This is true, although with the exception of autistic people themselves. The handful of people I personally know with mild autism are among the most genuine I’ve ever known. I guess, dealing with shitty passive-aggressive is seen as just part of the job when socialising, when as you say it should be up to shitty people to correct their own behaviour
I’ve been talking to myself (and WITH myself) since learning to form full sentences (i.e. nearly my entire life). Although it helps me organize my thoughts and emotions, I suspect it to be a coping mechanism more than anything else. More specifically, my self-talk alleviates chronic feelings of loneliness and social inadequacy by simulating social contact. Doesn’t sound too healthy, now does it? Thankfully I never feel the need for it around friends and family, and it doesn’t hinder my emotional affect much. Plus most of the conversations I have with myself are driven by personal interests like gardening and gaming, as opposed to, for example, perceived social faux-pas and other such delusions.
Haha, I talk to myself a lot, too! For me it helps me focus on a single train of thought, and forces me to verbalize thoughts, which slows them down enough to make them make sense. But I'm super aware that people don't like it out in public, so what I often do is just name what's happening. Like if I catch someone's eye and they look uncomfortable, I'll say like, oh haha, sorry, I was talking out loud, wasn't I?
Self talk is a normal part of human development. It starts when children are first learning to talk - some theorize as a way to practice speech - and continues indefinitely, often through out a persons life. It is a manner of organizing thoughts and processing information. It is the context which matters. Self talk is done when alone, or in the company of someone who you are not working congruently with. For example, if I am cleaning the kitchen while my fiance is doing work in the adjacent living room, I may self-talk even though he can technically hear. We are both very comfortable with each other and do not need to be attending to each other at the moment. If I were to do that with a guest in my living room, that would be weird. Self talk is all about context.
I have been watching a lot of your videos and I find that this is one of the most relatable. I've never been called creepy. I've been called awkward before, but never creepy. But I had often found myself trying to force an emotion or soemthing because I feel like I should, a lot of it because I didn't feel things very strongly before and was apathetic towards the world. I beat myself up so much over that, feeling like a terrible person 24/7 and that I had to fake to be "good". I realize now that's just maybe depression, anxiety, social anxiety, all or maybe something else entirely. Lately things have been a bit better. A bit worse in other ways. I think I am starting to understand my part in the breakup with my ex who was the person I thought I'd be living the rest of my life with. It wasn't all me - but that isn't the point. The point is I'm understanding what was me more now. Something that might be irrelevant but I think is helping was pretty much deleting Discord and other social media activity. It's fun to browse the memes and stuff but I pretty much went to lurking status everywhere and don't try to spend as much time on them. I never realized how stressful social media just existing as part of it was. I'm trying to schedule for a psychiatric evaluation now, but it's hard to find anywhere around that is taking new patients. I might give therepy another try, but last time I ended up with someone who couldn't even remember my name or to tell me he moved offices, and I felt lead me into making decisions I didn't actually agree with.
If it makes you feel better understand that Im going through a pretty similar scenario trying to reevaluate socializing again after my breakup. Were all taking those increments of progress to find our core again.
What's so fascinating about this is that all of it revolves around a shared human experience and understanding of the environment around us. When those shared understandings are violated in a way that is outside of the boundaries of what we would consider reasonable, or outside the boundaries of shared reality (i.e. responding to voices in one's head ala acute psychosis), it's deeply offputting and we no longer trust the other person, at least for that moment. I'm not experiencing reality in the way that you are in this moment, whether sensory, motivational, etc, and I no longer feel like I should trust you.
The Creepy label. My own son says that I’m “creepy”. I think it has a lot to do with social emotional development as well. He can’t really explain, other than he says his friends tell him that I’m creepy. I can’t help but take that personally. You’re touching on in at 44:27. You have great content.
You're not a creep for being an introvert, it's just a lack of social skills. Introvertedness does not preclude you from being socially skilled! It does take conscious practice. For introverts, that expends a lot of energy. But like everything else, it's something to get good at. There's a lot of other things that expend energy, but you do it (chores, hobbies, jobs, etc.) to gain some positive result. Achieve something, get money, have a clean house, etc. Introvertedness has no bearing on your ability to be socially skilled. Seeing it this way helped me a lot when I was younger, and I worked deliberately to interact as much as possible (within my limits), get as much social practice as possible. It's hard, believe me, I know, but it's worth doing.
I figured this out by stumbling into introvert folks being grumpy about larger interactions, to then be as chatty and ignorant within their small groups. Socially awkward means missing a skillset that's hard to practice when others want people to be comfortable around, not practice dummies. This is true for language learning, no one knows how to slow down for the new speaker.
Wow this is wild to hear. I had gotten really good at hiding my emotions on my face. Until they burst out of me it always seemed like people had a hard time reading me but thats what I had learned from my family. Just be still dont react and maybe they wont hurt you. Then other social circles would see that as weird/creepy. Later on I got into a car wreck and, long story short, i have a lot of issues with tension/scar tissue/fascia. One result from this is face numbness. Like a lot of things it wasnt until I lost the ability to react with my face that I really noticed it as a barrier of perception. After a lot of hard work & dedication I have made progress on these issues in my head/neck area and its really wild to hear how much it can affect in terms of automatic human psychology.
This video came just in time, every time I try being creepy to women they think I'm just flirting with them, it's so frustrating
bruh 😂😂 sounds tough
suffering from success
😂😂😂 I'm sorry, but that's fking funny
LOL
so truee
Wow this is kind of killer advice on how to BE creepy. Will be implementing this when roleplaying the villain next time I play D&D
shit, i thought i was the only one who thought of this lmao
Hilarious. yes, it is useful in many positive ways. :)
I mean, these videos are so good at adding flavor to characters xd
idk man, maybe I'm just not that empathic but creepy things and awkward situations kinda make me smile. I feel the urge to join the person and REEEEE together. Just dwell in the creepiness, embrace the creepiness, BE the creepiness. Is that weird? I've always had a sick attraction to weird things, like the homeless man talking to himself, I salute him; I've went out with some creepy RING looking goth chicks from Tinder and I actually enjoy the company of people that just give that vibe of a little - just a little bit - of a serial killer. You know, the kind of people that kinda smile at you with their head down? When the mouth says smile but the eyes say "i might murder you tonight, or not, who knows". Maybe it's just that damage attracts damage... The thing is, when i think of a chick on crack on some nasty ass moldy rag in the middle of an empty dirty room, if find that hot more than i find it creepy. Damn, one time i actually woke up with one of these girl holding a knife over me. I looked into her eyes and i said "do it!". Idk man, i feel like the darkness loses its power over you if you decide to embrace it. We're all people after all, who cares if some are a little creepy? Also, I've noticed I can change my emotional state instantly and consciously without needing to think about a happy memory or a sad one etc, I just smile or cry on queue. I thought that was something everyone was able to do? Strange...
@@StriderAngel496 jesus
Dr. K just deciphered why Mark Zuckerberg creeps me out so much. He literally does all of this on live broadcasts in front of millions lmao
Yeah. He takes it to a level where he is considered a robot / lizard by meme culture. And while everyone seems to agree that he is creepy, nobody seemed to be able to put a hand on why that is.
is it the fact that he would sell anyone into slavery if it meant he could make an extra dollar? a severe lack of the ability to care about the well being of anyone but himself.
@@saturationstation1446 probably not. He just has 0 charisma
@@markkocsicska2590 I look at him and while he's creepy, that never crossed my mind. What crosses my mind while looking at him is "That mother fucker isn't a human".
Kind of like a real-life Homelander from The Boys.
As a woman while dating men, one of the biggest reasons I find me or my female friends will describe a date as creepy is the feeling that they are trying to get something from you. Trying to put the right inputs in for the output of relationship/sex/yes to date ask. But I think from this explanation what we are picking up on is that feeling of disconnection - they are so concerned with the result they aren't reacting to you the person in that moment. That's why sometimes being asked out is creepy and isn't - if you are asked like a human that says no rather than an object that holds your self-esteem in your hands it has a different vibe.
Great way to describe it. I was thinking this too - that the times in real life when I felt like a guy was creepy, it was because he was behaving in a threatening way somehow. Not taking no for an answer, staring, following, that kind of thing.
The thing is no dude really gives a damn about your similar generic lives. We pretend we do to get the goods. It's actually torture dating. Players are better at acting and making you "feel" special.
I'm confused by one of your sentences. Why is it creepy for guy to "put the right inputs for the output" of a relationship? The sex part I understand because that's sleazy but why the relationship part?
@@G33KN3rdbecause the guy is treating it like a transaction, where if he does x he'll get y. he's essentially only thinking about himself and his own wants and needs and treating the woman opposite him like an object with no will of her own. These are usually also the men who turn angry or violent the moment the woman 'deviates from the script' aka says no when the guy has executed his "perfect flirt that will make all the girls swoon" program, because he's unwilling to accept that he's not entitled to anything from anyone else even if he's doing everything right
@@blahblah2779 I will admit in some cases it might be due to poor social skills, but in far too many cases it just comes down to plain entitlement. Either way, it's rude and unfair to blame the victim for the harassment. It's not on them to make the other be a better person.
Summary = Features of creepiness?
- nonfluctuating affect (always smiling, constant facial expression etc)
- flattened/amplified affect (smaller range of emotions -> schizophrenics)
- lack of emotional mirroring (they're sad, but you don't react w/ sadness etc)
- incongruent affect (laughing when shouldn't be laughing, monotone while saying you're endlessly happy)
- responding to internal stimuli vs external stimuli (self dialoguing, auditory hallucinations)
- disrespecting boundaries (repeated text messages, expected responses after 2 dates, etc -> emotional needs dependent on the other person)
Problem = If you try too hard... all of those things will happen. Ex: social anxiety -> busy thinking in head instead of being empathically connected (internal stimuli vs external) -> lack of emotional mirroring b/c in own head + forced emotions (amplified affect)...
Goal = be relaxed, fluctuant affect, range of affect, mirroring; genuinely attend to them...
Some people have low tolerance, are easily triggered, have bad communication skills, etc... So, you might not be creepy btw.
While I think many "creepy" labels in a flirting/dating context are an insincere way of saying "doesn't meet my personal preferences", this is pretty good advice for the remaining situations.
Ugliness is a big one. A woman will put up with a lot if you are attractive, but if you are awkward AND ugly, then you are labeled creepy by default.
@@Dimitris_Half blue pill bs
@@padarousou Self-limiting belief. Gym, diet, grooming, style and even the ugliest man (except maybe some after severe accidents with missing limbs or damaged face etc) will turn into handsome guy. Even your face will improve, and men aren't really judged on being pretty. Some scars are welcome. Good example of ugly handsome guy is Jeremy Renner.
@@padarousou nah mate, if you're an ugly girl not even other girls give you the time of day. If you have something in common with people, then they might talk to you.
(I didn't have close friends and may not have close friends now, it really depends, every person is different. Some will never talk to you about some topics and you just gotta meet them halfway and accept that depth of friendship).
This is super interesting stuff. When I was a kid my classmates were creeped out by me, because I didn't have any kind of autistic masking happening, didn't have a lot of facial affects going on, stared directly into people's eyes from across the room trying to read what normal people facial expressions look like in an interaction. Wish I'd been diagnosed and taught by a professional instead of trying to DIY it by watching anime and making faces in the mirror lol. Thanks Dr. K
I never have been labeled as "creepy" but the reaction is the same. People not use the word "creepy" in my country, they just isolate the person. But in the rest my situation is the same. autistic masking helps us survive.
Me too 😭😭😭 I felt this so hard like bro I didn’t know how to talk to people or act around people
Yeah my therapist called the staring intimidating, which is more or less the same. I've since tried to stop but I just end up staring at other stuff and being seen as not attentive...I can't win :(
What usually happens if someone stares at someone who’s autistic back?
In order to counter this, I usually end up avoiding eye contact when talking about myself.
It helps reduce the stress.
“I just won the lottery and am the happiest person on earth” to me sounds like someone feeling guilted into being happy.
“Join me in this bliss” sounds viscerally threatening.
Creeped me tf out, 10/10.
wow, priceless
Cult vibes...
Van=creepy
Speaking in a monotone voice is possibly the easiest way to be perceived as creepy by a woman 😂😂😂
The fuckening is about to commence.
I heard a tip recently, if you're not absolutely confident in yourself in a first date or job interview etc, acting slightly nervous actually works better than faking confidence. Because it is already an expected, natural response from a person in your position, it feels more humane to others. So acting confident when you're not is actually risky, you will probably come off creepy and fake.
no way. when i was a teenager i kinda had a psychotic break and i liked to imagine i had a guardian angel always with me. i remember telling my psychologist how weird it was that when i imagined the angel sitting next to me, people on the bus would actually avoid sitting there next to me. i was absolutely convinced he existed and people could perceive him somehow. this makes a lot more sense.
Nice pfp
You had a stand?
@@cotocoyerakson8195 you just made me laugh like a maniac 😭😆
@@duetopersonalreasonsaaaaaathat's an interesting choice of words. Lol
@@duetopersonalreasonsaaaaaa another tip on not being creepy; never laugh like a maniac
As someone that doesnt talk much i feel this guys pain, ive had multiple jobs / coworkers tell me i would probably shoot up the place if anyone made me upset, tell me "shut up you talk to much" and such, it really is frustrating that us silent types cant just exist as ourselves without people that dont even know us making assumptions, but ive resorted to just telling people that say that shit "maybe you aren't as interesting to talk to as you think you are".
Edit: Also from my expirience with my other introverted friends is when we get together we don't stop talking, as a kid my friends parents would say " at first he didnt say a word and now he wont shut up" lol. So comfort is a huge factor too. But you can't get comfortable with people that just trash you for being yourself, so leave them out and find better (:
Your comeback is funny as hell :-D
I think with gaming and staying home most of the time it's easy to lose your body language skills which makes someone look awkward or creepy.
I know I have. Starting to go out and hang out with a woman really has made me more comfortable. Not there yet, but a lot better than it was.
Pandemic set everyone back by a year. September 2020 though I started my mission to come back with the best social skills I’ve ever had & I succeeded. You can do anything you set your mind to.
My social life went to shit over the pandemic (my fault entirely) and going back to school after not talking to my peers/socializing in anyway over the past year and a half was really difficult
It's not about skill. No matter how much self-help UA-camrs like Improvement Pill try to make you believe it, it's simply not true, and in fact, viewing it as a skill is WHY you are perceived as creepy -- because you fundamentally believe that just acting authentic about how you feel is wrong, because you're nervous or think you're uninteresting or boring or lame or whatever, so you try to ACT normal. You see socializing as a PERFORMANCE. You think it's a skill. No -- people who are fluent socially are not performing. They aren't just better trained than you, either. They're *okay with themselves*, and okay with being themselves, including being disliked. That's the difference.
The solution is not trying to develop social ability as a "skill", which will, in fact, make your anxiety worse.
The solution is mental health work.
@@GSPV33 you know mabye different rules apply due me being atistic. But i think all the way you disrib that poeple that are succesful are just beter tr ained in acting normaal. But no woman has ever called or found me creepy even to when i am on a first date. I am literly just acting and codeswitching. Personal i think its cause i have very unique way i look. Where i am ether a 10 out of 10 or a 0 for woman.
Great overview. I would like to add some tips too. If you are on a first date, be careful at asking questions such as "where do you work?" and "Where do you live?" and "Do you live alone?" If the other party gives a generic answer "I live in New York City" instead of a specific it is because they just met you, and do not know if they can trust you. If you push, you will seem creepy. Also, inviting your first date to somewhere isolated can be a red flag. Putting that out there for the "but she said she likes to go on hikes...." people. Yeah, a lot of us are concerned about our safety. I think another I have witnessed in the wild.. is going on and on about how pretty someone is. If you wanna say that, say it once and let it go. It becomes really weird to respond to, even if it is a genuine compliment. I wish OP gave more details or that bad first date.
Yes thank you! Many people can't just think their stuff through and are creepy or pushy without noticing that they are.
You don't need to know if they live alone, you need to know if they're happy with their living! I try to ask questions about how people feel about things as a follow up to the basic stuff, or what their opinion is. One of my better dates I asked if they had a house and they mentioned a townhome. I actually know which one, there was only one in the city, but I asked how they liked it.
And they had SO MUCH to say about it. It was a great topic, lots of fun stories. Creepy bullet I dodged.
He talks about that at 36:40
AL: A first date, especially with somebody you met online, should be in a public place. A coffee house is god. People are around. And stuff doesn't cost much, so all the dynamics of who pays for what and what is expected back, etc., does not come into play much. Also, it is low pressure, You don't have to wait for a whole meal to be cooked and to eat it to leave if you don't want to hang out with the guy for very long. It doesn't take very long to order a beverage and drink it. And if you do click, you can sit and talk until the place closes.
Regardless, sometimes nothing will put them at ease. I met a woman online and set up a coffee date. She called and canceled. Then she messaged me, "I don't feel safe. I don
t even know you." Um, yea, that is why people go on those sites, to meet people they don't know. So sometimes it REALLY is not about you. And by you, of course, I mean me.
@@milascave2 "all the dynamics of who pays for what" this should always come into play. We already have women treating men as meal generators, why enable this? Paying for anything, sure - after we are commited...
Thank you for your tutorial of how to appear creepy.
Damn, you are 4 parallel universe ahead of everyone else
There is Indian guy youtube tutorial on anything
@@uknow2908 underrated comment. that is so funny
Serious question now, can women be creep? Can Brad Pitt be a creep?🤔
@@nicolasoliveira4903 Well, first eat enough to hide your neck completely by fat and then follow that tutorial on a man that has options in a place where he for some social reason cannot leave. And even if you would appear creepy men wouldn't probably say anything.
This is interesting from an autistic perspective. When I stopped masking as much and let my affect be flatter, I've gotten much more relaxed and sure of who I am but other people tend to pull away from me more and get more uncomfortable. I've been called aloof as if it's a bad thing. I don't want to change but it feels like there is no winning for me.
Samesies. Masking hurts, but not masking hurts too.
@@chiedzawith2ds i'm with u there
that's how I feel, but with Adhd
become sigma
I kind of pick and choose my times to mask or not. It's not perfect, but it's been helping me accept I may seem a bit creepy, but it's only cause most folks are speaking a different social language and I'm not translating for them all the time. Like how people assume someone speaking another language is talking about them badly, that's more on that person assuming. It doesn't change people's reactions, but it makes it less my fault and more just circumstance that I'm coming from a different set of parameters.
I think one of the best ways to not be seen as "creepy" is to look non-threatening and approachable. To elaborate, being well groomed, wearing nice fitted clothes, and looking like you didn't roll out of bed will get people to see you less of a creep. Also, being mindful of a conversation and asking people about themselves will get people to open up to you.
It also helps not saying dumb shit like talking about gun collecting to a chick or asking what her favorite nail polish is (I know one guy that asked about that lol)
That's what Ted Bundy did!😂😂😂
18:22 When Dr. K breaks trying to convince someone to get in his van, I really wish he had a chat widget included in the VODs so we could see chat's reaction
"I've gots some candy in mah van...want to reach enlightenment and have some candy?"
-Dr K
This video helped me realize that to start connecting with others, I must address my depression first. My depression limits my facial expression, and in trying to combat my dead stare by forcing a smile, together with my shyness and social anxiety, I end up with this perfect cocktail of creepiness. I feel like I have been pretty expressionless ever since, and because I was never much of a social guy, I never really trained my facial muscles, which probably makes matters even worse.
“Why do people who don’t talk much get labeled creepy” from someone who doesn’t talk much, it’s definitely more than that. It’s also nonverbal communication that sends potentially awkward or weird signals
Exactly, like if you are waiting and see someone waiting with you but they seem on their own world, using phone, music etc, not talking isn’t viewed as creepy. It’s just how uncomfortable one is with silence and how they show it with body language
@@PossibleBat What if you do nothing while you don't talk? Would this be considered creepy?
Why wouldn't you ask the girl you're on a date with about herself? Not asking her questions is what I'd call retarded, not creepy. You don't want to get to know them? Why'd you agree to the date?
@@axn30158Yeah if you sit still doing absolutely nothing and not talking during a date, that would be considered retarded and women would label that creepy. I prefer the word retarded.
Not talking isn’t creepy. You shoulf say enough to invoke long enthusiastic responses from the woman.
The truth is that she would rather hear herself talk than you, and saying too much or the wrong thing can come across as non-masucline and immature.
The woman is supposed to be bubbly and giggly as a direct response from what you are saying to her.
This is possibly my only saving grace when it comes to socializing with women. I have the perfect blend of dark humor and sarcasm that allows me to invoke laughter on the limited instances where I speak.
In summary, not speaking too much isn’t necessarily creepy, but not invoking any type of emotion when you do speak (laughter in particular) is creepy.
Finally Point: People rememeber how you made them feel, not what you said.
This is probably the greatest and most helpful explanation of "creepy" i have EVER listened to. Thank you so much. It also explains a lot of why being bullied as a kid can affect social skills so badly.
A LOT of teasing in middle school, when kids are the most effective at it, they can cause victims to "get into their own head" by making them self-conscious about things to a point of paralysis. Pointing out and exaggerating insecurities causes preteens to think inwardly and hamper that external thought process and if not checked they become awkward because that insecurity STOPS them from developing past that.
That learned self-check as a defense mechanism translates into creepiness later. It inhibits the ability to observe, learn and react to others.
I also GREATLY appreciate you NOT keeping the discussion one sided and acknowledging the fact that "creepy" is used as a 'perfect excuse' as an out against someone they don't like without needing to explain themselves. It leaves the person who needs to change with no way to learn how to grow and this subject with no answer is completely different. If someone's a jerk, its EASY to say , hey, be more nice to me, a jerk KNOWS what they need to work on, so they can change.
It does bring to the surface that sometimes, people, primarily feminine , who have experienced traumatic experiences are much more sensitive to these creepy aspects to keep themselves safe. Much as those who were teased lean too heavily into self consiousness as a defense mechanism. MANY people are sensitive to these danger signs and are quick to back away. Its up to individuals to respect boundaries regardless. However sometimes finding you creepy IS a them problem, and not a you problem.
You can only work on yourself, ultimately stay away from people who make you feel worse about yourself and always respect boundaries and learn to pay attention to others.
How many videos have you watched about this?!
'Fake it until you make it' actually worked in my case. When I was in middle school, I had had enough of being so socially anxious and self-conscious that I could barely talk or keep my eyes above ground level. I decided I was going to learn to be funny and confident and likable, and I could only get better by practicing. What's more, I realised that by already being at rock bottom, I had nothing to lose, and therefore nothing to fear! So I started just making jokes, greeting people, and smiling. It was all very rigid and awkward, but even though my jokes weren't landing and I wasn't making people magically like me, I was still just so happy from the bottom of my heart to be doing anything other than starting silently at the floor for once. And then, bit by bit, a funny thing started to happen - people started responding to me! Laughing at my jokes, smiling and greeting me back, engaging in conversation. I think that even though I was 'acting' more socially smooth than I was, they could feel the genuine joy that was radiating out of me, and that made them start to feel happy for me too. From there it was just an upward spiral of positivity until my social skills and confidence felt naturally part of me! So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're on the outside looking in and longing to be like the people who have friends to hang out with like an unspoken sense of belonging, you really CAN just grind social skills until it starts working! Because I promise you, blank stares and awkward stilted laughter feels like HEAVEN in comparison to self-isolation. And people in general will forgive a lot when they see someone keep at it and show determination to fight through their fears.
I haven't actually tried dating for about 5 years at this point but I worry that my anxious self keeps creating this effect with platonic relationships as well. Once im comfortable with people I tend to lose the worry of putting my foot in my mouth, and it's something I'm typically open about, but it hasn't always worked well. I haven't been referred to as "creepy" since high school but I can't shake the impression that people are just too polite.
Same bro, but I keep telling myself that nobody cares.
Im on 10 years since my last relationship for mostly depression based reasons. About to get back into the scene. Be true to yourself, be kind to others, try not to get carried away, n hope for the best is how im goin into it. Best of luck to you
I do give off that vibe as well. I have an angry looking pokerface, and even though I'm very short, I've been told I look scary mean like a literal serial killer. I don't feel bad for it that much, most of the time. It happens to be pretty useful. Nobody picks on me like back in school. Nobody tries to prey on my weaknesses. Salesmen don't try to take advantage of me, etc. The only time I feel bad about it is when I happen to be walking behind a girl or a woman at dusk or at night with my hoodie with my hood pulled up hands in pockets and she looks behind because she can hear I'm walking in the same direction as her and she accelerates the pace thinking I'm following her with malicious intents. I'll typically take the next street to take a detour so as to relieve her fear and I'll feel bad about it.
I think you should maybe go for people that aren’t neurotypical. My boyfriend was kinda in the same boat as you, very insecure and anxious, but since I have had similar feelings and experiences as he did cuz I’m autistic we could relate to eachother better!! I feel like people with extra normal brains just don’t get it and are often more judgey.
It will happen and it still happens to me, my friends just realize that I'm human and so I make mistakes like everyone. You just need to find people who are not toxic by judging everything you do
Just want to add that being an introvert is not what makes people creepy...some women like introverts. Also, some of what Dr. K described in the dating scenario could result from awkwardness. Awkwardness is not creepy and can even sometimes be endearing.
What makes a person really really creepy in a dating scenario is when they look like they are hiding something or being disingenuous. Someone who doesn't share anything about themselves even as you share a lot about yourself can also come across as creepy. I think that is what might have happened with the OP's date. Also, continuous unblinking eye contact, especially if you aren't saying much, can feel really creepy.
So, do you want to see my van;)
@@sfbptank No no, get in my van O_O
Unblinking is hard after a certai amount of seconds, if the date did nor blink after a minute ask him if instead of a meal he prefers motor oil
Na, what makes them creepy is that they are ugly and awkward. No attractive confident man has ever been called creepy with any real conviction
People like those former examples if they're leaned into positively, and aware of. If you're on the socially awkward side, those traits can still be offputting and not explained away as a positive.
People are terrible at teaching others this, and a history of self doubt and awkwardness will lead to more self doubt and awkwardness.
I forgot which video he mentioned that last sentence. We also need to redefine introverts away from socially awkward, they just speak in smaller groups and can also be ignorant assholes in those small spaces.
this video made me feel awful because I have autism and I feel like my body just naturally does shit that people find creepy. the only person who hasn't loved me through a screen was someone who later went on to help people with mental illness. i wish i could find someone like her again.
Hey man. I’m a stutterer and my face blocks when I speak sometimes, so it made me feel a bit bad too. It’s not your intention though, and I’m pretty sure Dr.K would say that as well. Just because you exhibit these features doesnt mean you actually are these features
Same. As a fellow autist, I kinda feel shitty too now knowing that my flattened affect and monotone voice actually make me seem *creepy* to other people -not just socially odd, awkward, or a poor conversationalist, but literally creepy. 😢 Long ago I accepted that my persona is off-putting to others but I never realized I’m creepy. However, this explains A LOT. 😢
Why did it make you feel awful?
You already knew you were being rejected, now you have more of an understanding why.
As a person who was born blind, I missed a lot of the nonverbal communication we learn growing up. I had to have friends and family sit down with me as a young adult and help me practice some of the more complicated nonverbal expressions. A friend with autism was actually the most effective teacher because he spent so much time having to learn to mask that he was able to make some facial expressions relatable to me. He explained that I unintentionally gave creepy vibes because my affect was always a little off. He then helped me practice just the right amount of facial expression and attempt at eye contact to not be perceived as creepy. I still occasionally have to remind myself to smile, or to stop smiling, or to look in the general direction of the person I'm talking with, but not too long of course. That friend explained that "creepy" is someone doing something just outside the norm.
This resonates with me. I was nicknamed "The Terminator" because I have flat affect regardless of what is going on around me. I was taught to hide my affect/emotions because others around me consistently responded negatively and a flat affect seemed "safe".
Takeaways:
It is ok to relax and allow my face and body to react naturally to things around me. I shouldn't force my face into a certain shape, because it may come off as creepy. Also, people may respond negatively regardless of my expression because something is going on with them that doesn't involve me. Or even they respond negatively to me but that is ok as long as I am expressing myself naturally. Good stuff.
I think it's because lower emotional intelligence in men than women. We can pick up more hints because we had in order to survive. Geez men can be dangerous. We have to know how to read all the red flags
I feel like ADHD/ADD can come off as creepy because the distracted mind can cause you to miss things in a conversation or a facial expression change.
This can be so annoying when it happens
I've ADHD. I've never been told anything about being creepy. I've only ever seen that word used for someone trying to hook up with a married woman or in general (at the workplace). I just bounce subjects quickly or say the most random thing ever when somebody walk by lol
I once had a guy I was on a first date with compare me to the dog from UP because I got distracted by a bright green car, lol. Then he kept negging me and making fun of my little ADHD quirks which made him a totally jackhole. He only became a creep once he tried to peer pressure me into a kiss then leave without saying goodbye because I pulled away from his kiss.
Nah. Creepy isn't a person getting distracted from focusing on me, it's a person focusing TOO much on me. Like, looking at me so intently and with such obsessive energy that they miss a facial expression. Trust me there's a big difference in the way it makes you feel.
@@Gchili and yet when I zone out the world in front of me and I forget to turn my head, people still give me freaked out looks. It doesn’t matter if it appears intense. I do this a lot
The reason I love psychology it's not because I'm depressed or have serious issues nor anything like that, it's because it puts into words, things that otherwise would be subconscious. That accurate description of human reality really fascinates me.
Me too
This isn't entirely relevant but to me it kind of explains why the silent treatment is so hurtful. You know the other person is angry, but they try to keep a neutral expression and ignore you, or worse, they smile and pretend they're okay while you sense that something is wrong beneath the surface. That masking of emotion is unsettling because you don't know exactly what you're dealing with - did you do something wrong? Did they just have a bad day? Covert anger is scarier to me than overt anger because I don't know where I stand with the other person. At least with overt anger I can understand the other person, maybe empathize, or maybe defend myself if needed, and it's not as scary so long as the other person doesn't start attacking me or throwing things. The emotions are being released. Can it still be hurtful? Absolutely. But it doesn't feel as bad since everything is out in the open.
Could not agree more. Someone who refuses to let you know when you've made them upset raises MASSIVE red flags in my opinion. Keeping anger in hurts both people a LOT
@@kunstderfugue Yeah, it's just manipulation and toxic behavior
It's manipulative in a way that is not truthful. I had this experience with people who are doing good in front of you, act as if they simpathize with you, but behind you, they kinda just take whatever your concern as not important. What's worse: it's a work setting and they rely on you so much but DONT WANT TO CARE AT ALL ABOUT YOUR CONCERN, DONT WANT TO FIX THE PROBLEM, AND JUST DUMP IT ALL ON YOU, AND ACT AS IF "oh we're so overworked, oh we're so hurt by your words, oh what you said is not important, oh you should've help us" But not fixing the problem at all and just complaining and act nice as if just by acting nice while being part of the problem will make the problem go away. And the worst part is that you actually cared at first, actually genuinely helped them out a lot bcs you saw it as your responsibility, until you burned out and started to see the problems and when you pointed the problems in order to genuinely fix this, you were being gasligthed
Yeah it sucks and it took me a long while to realized that i was being gaslighted and manipulated. It felt so bad. It's like i was the one gaslighting them until i realised i've been professional all this time and always done my job so well i even improved a lot of things. But ofc people wont see it that way 🤷♀️ they manipulated people to pity them, and not taking accountability of their mistakes while all you did was fixing those mistakes and you even once protected them.
I'm sorry, all the "you" in my story is me. I really wish these people understand my point of view but it's a lost cause 🤷♀️ i am still trying to heal from those manipulation and trust that broken and the hurt for being gaslighted so much
Im an introvert that learnt skills from the extrovert skill tree through years of effort.
I was always a massive introvert who was bullied growing up. This made me incredibly shy, awkward, unfunny and yes, creepy as a teenager. Then when I was 15 after being really lonely and realising how unlikeable I as, I decided to change. I forced myself to be in more social situations and to observe more closely how people acted, and every night I would reflect on what ive learnt, while the following morning I would meditate to put what ive learnt to practice in the day.
I did that daily for about 3 years, and then transitioned to doing it every now and then all the way till today. And like, it works! Through effort I really retaught myself how to handle social situations, and now I find it really really easy and natural to talk to people from all walks of life. In fact, im very frequently mistaken for an extrovert since a sociable introvert is so rare.
I still make mistakes sometimes of course, but its always easy to laugh it off and just learn from each experience. What matters here is that yes, it IS possible for introverts to be sociable. If you're a shy introvert please dont think that you'll always remain that forever till the day you die, its 100% possible to teach yourself social skills to handle yourself in everyday conversations.
This gives me hope 🙏 thank you for writing this comment
"I did that daily for about 3 years, and then transitioned to doing it every now and then all the way till today. "
I sometimes feel it is *creepy* to do this, but reality is: Extroverted people do it automatically and they enjoy it.
I totally did this too. So I can attest to that it works. Observe what people do & try and test it out. Start small, and work your way up.
I'm not even sure that like what you describe as part of the introvertedness is actually innately part of this trait. I think it often has to do with bullying and having a lot of negative feedback when you were small. You essentially learned that showing yourself and interacting with others was dangerous and so you didn't. This means that you both didn't get exposed to normal social cues as much, didn't get as much practice. But also that you actually learned to downplay everything to be 'safe'. But just as you can unlearn these things you can totally _relearn_ social interaction cues and behavior. It takes more intentional practice, but as you said, it _does_ become a more automatic thing over time.
Extrovert with less stamina points. In all seriousness tho, mad respects to you for really expanding your capabilities. I've got autism, but knowing that, makes me value freeing yourself from what your expected limits are, and really pushing into uncharted/challenging territory is something I strive to do like you have. So seriously, keep up the good work. You inspire others through the results of your efforts💯
@@LincolnakaOnion It is actually not creepy. Especially if your honnest with it in a conversation. People will respect for trying. This is the same as having experiences, but people who are behind in life have to catch up so it isnt really a automatic process. Automatic or not, its the same thing but with added conscius orsomething
I feel like your giving a bad energy when saying that you feel its creepy, lets bring people up instead of down.
OK, this is seriously worrying me, because you are legitimately describing things that I do. I've never been called creepy, but I struggle a lot with showing emotion in public because of, as you say, social anxiety. I talk to myself (thankfully only in private), and tend to have a distance from things happening around me, and underreact to everything, which I always saw as deadpan humour until I couldn't stop doing it.
Worry less. The real issue is the ever increase amount of anti social kids pouring out of schools and colleges. Who are afraid and creeped out by everything they interact with.
Like FFS girl grow a back bone. I'm trying to hit you up for sex. And you're worried you might say the wrong thing and ruin your chances - Event that happened to me 3 months back.
Now that Dr. K. mentioned these, I remember waking up my mother as a young child, just because looking at her face being still put a heavy uneasy feeling on me. And when she woke up the feeling went away instantly. I never knew why.
That's a weird thing to be uneasy about. That's just a face someone make when they're sleeping.
@@Dave_of_Mordor My boyfriend's face kind of resembles the expression of a corpse when he sleeps. Creeps me out at night as well
@@azunyanyanyan xD
You probably thought she was dead or something.
all you need to do is check their pulse dude you dont gotta bother them lol you can put two fingers to the outside of their wrist to check pulse. google if you need@jacksonaxesonsaxson
As an Autistic dude, I feel like there is a real urge to try to manifest some kind of "normal" social behaviour to address the issues we can have with it (basically masking) but what I have learned is that trying too hard is definitely not the solution. I have found accepting that people are going to work out that I am a bit different, and focusing on just connecting with them, ensuring I attend to them and what they are saying and letting myself respond naturally FOR ME, while giving a small amount of attention to verbal softeners, mirroring and checking in, but not too much, is giving me really nice results when I am around neurotypicals.
When I am around Autistic and other neurodivergent folk it doesn't come in as much, in terms of displaying expression, but that is because they recognise the ways I naturally express a desire to make them feel more comfortable and connected. For us I think this is often a matter of culture between neurotypes more than a deficit. For NTs, I am "hospitable" in conversation by reassuring them with normative social cues and in ND interactions I do it by allowing room for monologuing about special interests then asking questions about what they said, making my boundaries clear so they aren't having to guess, warning ahead of time when I am getting ready to end the interaction etc.
My key point here is that once you learn which things will make the people around you more comfortable (and that is a skill that takes practice), you can focus less on trying hard and the only thing to focus on is being yourself while concentrating on the other person and you can react in that more natural way.
I hope sharing that can help someone :)
Thank you
This is really interesting!
The ugly truth is that many woman feel unsafe at the date with any unfamiliar man. Trusting your irrational gut feeling can literally save your life. In most cases it is about safety not about insulting and humiliating introverts or neuro divergente people.
EXACTLY
Men are afraid of being called creepy, women are afraid of being raped and murdered
This is why I think people shouldn’t date strangers. It’s an uphill battle for men, and a potential danger for women.
Unless the guy is hot. Then their introvertedness is not creepy, its mysterious and cool
@@rickymort135 attractiveness is charming, generally. It doesn't mean that if you're hot you can be as creepy as you want though. It's more of a moderate bias people have towards attractiveness.
So many clip-able moments! Also was a good talk, hadn't thought about what is creepy this explicitly.
I'm creepy.
I’m creepier.
11:39
Something I noticed about me back in college vs me now is that I seem to do well with woman when I am not romantically attracted to them. What I mean by that is, it’s not that they aren’t pretty or the kind of person I couldn’t date. It’s that when I meet a woman under normal circumstances, at least within the past year, apparently I have better charisma. It’s not rocket science and I get why. It’s because I don’t have any preconceived goals or notions I am just talking to them like another human being. Back in college, the few girls I have had crushes on I completely destroyed my chances with them beyond recovery because I creeped them out by trying to be friendly but not to friendly and it creates this thing where I wasn’t coming off as genuine. It wasn’t till after college I seemed to have learned that the best advice is the most cliche. Just be yourself. If you yourself had some flaws then address them but in general the best results come when you just treat the other person as a fellow human being. I mean, I haven’t actively been trying to get into a relationship. For all I know the woman around me would friendzone me. I guess the bright side is at least they seem to genuinely enjoy my company by actively initiating conversation with me. I think the other side of the equation comes from what I have learned from listing to Jordan Peterson. You want to be approachable but not a push over. That’s seems to come with practice and being able to know your boundaries.
11:50 paradoxically, the creepy smile made me laugh, and the normal smile didn't have any effect xD You looked deep into my soul there and that was hilarious to me
Oh good, wasn't just me then. The first half I was like "uhhhh... okay?" and then once it became flat I just straight up corpsed.
It could be because humor is a common response to an uncomfortable situation.
@@ceasarsalazar5940 Totally, that could be it!
Bro same wtf
This presentation was unintentionally hilarious, he actually evoked my fight or flight a few times when he was demonstrating lmao
Some people are just VERY creepy naturally, and I feel so, so extremely bad for them. It's hard because they tend to be clingy and some of them are in desperate need for human interaction.
The uncanny valley is the perfect way to describe the feeling of when something clicks in your brain telling you that something is off about the person when you're in a conversation with them. It's like an internal alarm that rings when someone does something that feels weird. Creepy.
I often experience it more with neurodivergents, mostly autistic men. It's sad because they can't fix it.
You should give them a hug
34:00 Most important advice imo. Try to remember that dates are not one-sided. It's not like a job interview where you're trying to do a song and dance for an interviewer to see if you get to eat next month. You're both trying to figure each other out
For a lot of guys, dates ARE like interviews, unfortunately.
Due to cultural norms and gender roles, the onus is usually on the guy to impress the girl. All she has to do is show up and look presentable.
@@DarkPrince784 i used to share this belief. But now I disagree. If a girl isn't even making the effort and is showing no interest, that tells you all you need to know. "Next" her. Move on. Don't get attached and don't base your self worth on her approval. Why would you give any stranger so much power over you?
Do not give your heart out to someone who's just gonna throw it away like a used napkin. Don't crawl through miles of broken glass for someone who isn't even willing to walk ten paces for you
Some of my co-workers called me a psycho because I nervous laughed while saying my dog died some years ago. I smile when I'm nervous because it relieves some of the stress of the situation and that fucks up my social reputation.
That's pretty unfair. Its similar to me, I have the tendency to shut down and make joke because otherwise it would wreck me.
Hyenas have a similar behavior if they are under Alot of stress or pressure.
I am the same when sad/angry/nervous/etc. I have found people seem to feel a lot more comfortable when you acknowledge the "odd" response right away. For example, I will just be like, "Sorry I don't actually find this funny...I just laugh when I'm nervous. It's super awesome" with a bit of an eye roll during the last part.
I can't cry when something goes wrong, just when my mind breaks after trying to dealing with something without showing that I'm not okay. When someone tells me a sad story or something goes wrong I start laughing.
I started laughing uncontrollably when my friends aunt got hit by the big door and her eye instantly swelled. I don't and didn't know why. I wished I could stop. It was not nice and I didn't want to become it looks sad and possibly embarrassing. But I was embarrassed and I couldn't stop. remembering the feeling almost makes me want to laugh although it was uncomfortable. Glad you know why you did something uncomfortable. Hopefully you can find more acceptable strategies.
@@cspahn3221 aw thanks, I still miss my dog.
This explanation of what causes the feeling of things being "creepy" would be an amazing resource for a writer to help tell stories that evoke the intended feelings
Straight up one of the best and most entertaining Healthygamer vids of all time
Just realizing this explains a lot , especially having autism so there’s an added layer of reading / expressing for me . I may start practicing expressions or seek coaching . Not sure what the best method of improvement would be for this but I appreciate you Dr. k for making me more aware !
Learn to physically feel what your body does with different expressions. Feel how your face sits different when you make an angry face with a scrunched brow and a snarl, versus a cheerful, toothy grin with squinted eyes & round cheeks.
I don't think it's that complicated, a smile, frown, or neutral face is all you need to know, most of the time. Just gotta do it at appropriate times.
I had a theatre elective in school that really helped me. There are lots of exercises that can be learned there regarding expression & emotions.
In social circles, seeing how your friends/peers react to certain statements and reflecting on how you acted/thought can be helpful too. If someone got sand in their eye, and you are flat affect yet inwardly concerned, but everyone around is making a worried face and outwardly expressing concern, making a mental note to put on a worried face next time a similar event happens (and commenting out loud about how you're worried for them) can help you accumulate a mask. Just a random example of course.
:-( sad that it's needed to not seem creepy, but it can be done without coaching. People like to feel seen and validated so even if you keep a flat affect because you can't fake expressions, saying what you're feeling can help a lot.
@@theRPGmaster Eh, not really as simple as that. As Dr. K said, you need a wide range of fluctuating emotions to not be seen as creepy. Three is a good start and definitely more than 1 or 0, but it should be a starting point to lead into displaying more nuanced expressions-- if your goal is to come off as not creepy to more ppl
I've always said the main reason why homeless creep or piss people off is because they're a lot like loiterers. The nature of homelessness is to lack a whole heap of visual context clues as to what categories of behavior the homeless are likely to engage in. Example: A park scene. People playing a game will eventually finish and return home to wash their clothes and eat, maybe you might know the game and understand it's rules so you pick a team to cheer for. A dad playing with his kid will hang around the playground then do a lap and go home. Early 20s guy with a DSLR will take pictures and text Jenna again to ask why she hasn't responded yet. What about a homeless man? What must he do to preserve his life as it is? What behaviors are acceptable from him to keep what he has? Well so far it appears he has nothing so you're not sure what he must keep or what he wants to gain outside of the obvious. You have very few visual cues or context to guess his motivations therefore you have no solid mental lists of things he will likely do or more importantly lists of what he will NOT do. Currently the list of what he could do is a hell of a lot longer than what you would guess he wouldn't. Therefore, he's a wild card for now and all you can assume is that he wants to stay alive and do whatever comes to mind.
"If you stare into the -abyss- homeless the -abyss- homeless stares back at you."
27:00 this reminds me of something I heard, not sure how true.
Allegedly if you have little kids, like toddlers age, and you gave them a cup of water and say something like "ok go sit, don't spill it", at some point saying "don't spill it" too many times, or over and over, makes the kid spill more, idea being they focus so intently on "not spilling" their cup that they stop paying attention to other stimulus, in this case the rug they're about to trip over and spill the drink everywhere.
Relates to this because like yes you have to pay attention to what faces you're making but you also have to pay attention to the conversation or task at hand. If someone doesn't click with your emotional affect after a couple times maybe you're just not right for each other, there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe you "don't smile enough" for one person but the right amount for another
I've always felt like I come off as creepy to new people who I want to connect with but can never put my finger on why. What Dr. K said here about having social anxiety and becoming too enthusiastic or overthinking what to say that reactions don't reflect what's going on resonated with me. I may be an introvert but after starting to live alone I do want to make more meaningful connections so I hope that I can work on this.
My sister recently had a baby with moebius syndrome, it's all i could think of while watching this. The poor soul will get confused as someone creepy just for some primitive instinct. It's just heart breaking
This explains so much about why our middle-school guidance counselor used to creep us all out... she smiled ALL the time, never frowned, never wore a neutral expression, I still remember in 7th grade (20 years ago now) the little half smile she had on her face while nodding along to my friend telling her how she was feeling about her mother just passing away.
I've noticed that this is something I used to struggle with but I've massively improved in the last few years of my life and all it was is, as you put it, attentiveness to other people. Show others that you care about what they are saying in the moment, mirror their emotional state, all of that makes people so much more comfortable around me than they were when I was growing up
My god he explained my social anxiety perfectly. I never listen to people intently, not on purpose, but because I want to make sure I’m appearing normal. Way too many things are happening in my head even during small talk. I hate my brain
This is why I always wish I could treat everyone as if I already knew them. If I know someone I can just talk to them without thinking about how I’m acting, and I know that if I learns how to treat strangers the same way I treat people I know, I could get a lot more people to like me.
@@emmanarotzky6565 I literally forget to breathe sometimes when I’m talking to someone because I’m focused on posture, eye contact limits, body language, distance and things to say. Forgetting the most basic thing lol
I wonder how many times people thought I was creepy because my autism makes my affect discongruent or diminished a lot of the time
From my experience, though all of ours differ, often.
@@lillegitimate i do think autistic men are much more likely to be seen as creepy. Autistic women are more likely to be seen as angry/in a bad mood.
@@VioletEmerald I managed to get two girls I college, both told me I seemed like a serial killer. Undiagnosed autism destroyed my life
I'm half way in, but had to say, great work breaking this down. I use these strategies to inject humor and uncertainty into storytelling, to elicit emotional responses. Now i know why it works so well.
I can't wait to show my creepy roommate this. I didn't know how to tell him what he was doing wrong. Watching him scare women away "acting nice."
He does all of these.
I love what he said about loneliness makes you sad and sadness makes you ugly because it's true. I've seen it with my gma. I was raised in a place where boundaries weren't well respected and I'm trying to figure out how to protect and read other people's emotional boundaries. Also, loneliness makes you desperate which pushes people away. I've been having a hard time with that. I want to figure out how to resolve my own loneliness without relying on someone else to make me feel better. Nobody deserves to have that forced on them. It's a problem I have to figure out and hopefully I can start feeling better.
Hows the progress been if you don’t mind me asking?
In dating scenarios, or even flirting, having a bag of "ice breakers" is really damn helpful. Something reliably funny and preferrably self-referential.... it says soooo much about you! If funny isn't your thing, questions are just so damn safe, go with questions. Be curious.
Also, this video was weirdly comforting. My face tends to wear emotion pretty loudly. To the point where complete strangers can tell if I'm sad or pissed off as hell. I have no chance of hiding emotions. 😂 Conversely, when I'm happy, I'm happy as hell and everyone's gonna know about it!
you got some good ice breakers for us to borrow?
@@lovingkokichi4159 “would a vampire make a good phlebotomist?”
Ice breakers are even good in normal conversation with people you know. More people need more icebreakers.
Simply awesome. I think this needs to be talked about way more, especially for boys and men.
I think often times boys aren't taught to respect boundaries, whereas girls are severely punished socially for failing to do so. As a result, more men grow up to be creepy in the boundary-crossing way than women. Also, creepiness comes down to perceived danger, and since men are generally more of a physical threat to women than vice versa, a lot more men get labelled creep than women.
@@YuniX2 I highly disagree.
I think it's the lack of communication during upbringing and the lack of interaction between the two sexes. Sometimes even, lack of friendship circles.
@@eafesaf6934 i think both of you are correct, it is a multi-faceted issue for sure
What lack of interaction? Boys and girls are literally raised in the same places, they go to the same schools, they have male and female family members… where are they not interacting with each other??
really insightful, especially the part about respecting boundaries. i think honest communication helps a lot with the “relax and be with the person” part. imo just saying “i have autism, which can lead to restricted affect” or “i have social anxiety so i may seem stuck in my head” or “i am worried that i will screw up this date” can automatically make you seem more personable/down to earth
This video was such a rollercoaster of emotions to watch with all of Dr. K's demonstrations ahahaahhaha
This is fascinating and makes soooo much sense!!
dr.k trying to be creepy is just incredibly funny to me for some reason this man can never be creepy to me
Thanks!
In terms of connection between introversion and affect that I found is that if I'm socially exhausted or just mentally exhausted from work for example then I put less energy into interaction with people and it can come off as monotone/ emotionless and that kind of kills the mirroring effect.
The part about emotional needs really hit close to home. Respecting physical boundaries is no issues in respecting that obviously, it’s the interacting boundaries is where things go wrong. This is the part that really stumbles me and relationships end so early. The reason why texting gets into my head to much is I over think too much without inputs. The date and meeting for classes goes great, on topic, super socialable, great time with friends, and easy going. It’s when she is busy or haven’t texted in a couple days is when I over think and don’t control my impulse to text or even one call that they ask not to be contacted again.
he went all out on this one I appreciate it
I feel like violating boundaries is much more important in that equation than being unresponsive,
even the most expressive, seemingly empathetic person is threatening if they don't respect boundaries,
but when it's the other way around you are more likely to be labelled 'absent' or 'uninterested' than 'creepy' (if it's not extreme)
The "creepy" label is a harsh one, and it can be a really confusing social minefield, that i've definitely had to navigate myself. However aside from a therapist - you can work through these things with just regular people. I feel a lot of people (including me) think there's a special way to talk romantically over talking to a new person platonically, but the social skills are very very close. People drop a lot of clues, even in small - talk, which if you actively listen, respond and relate will really attract a person both platonically and romantically. Naturally this doesnt take into account the people you just won't click with - but we can't control that, and its a common experience for most people.
Creepy is a describing word. Like how someone can be loud, or sporty, or enthusiastic, by doing things that are loud/sporty/enthusiastic. Don't take it personally if people notice a pattern of behaviour that comes across as creepy, and label it as such. If you keep doing the things Dr K has identified, maybe work backwards and figure out why you feel the need to keep doing things that are evolutionarily determined as "uncanny".
@@alexandramaclachlan7597 Yeh, but it’s still harsh for people on the receiving end, often times people that are creepy also have not enough social intelligence to assess what caused their creepiness, it’s a downward spiral
@@alexandramaclachlan7597 I really dont think its the same as "sporty" or "enthusiastic" - because its not a spectrum. Someone won't be repelling by being any of your examples - as being loud or sporty isn't a bad thing, unless its in an extreme and even then that'll only be too much for most people, not all, but absolutely no one likes "creepy". Although its not a personality trait it all comes down to comfort and although Dr Ks descriptions of what displays it are accurate, they're not the cause, which is what makes it so difficult.
I feel like I don't click with a lot of people. I have that problem a lot which sucks when you are dating. I have had dates where the connection is there and then it ends and I wonder was it me 🤷♂️
Ok, I know this is a year later, but: "People drop a lot of cues"
AND WHAT ARE THEY? HOW DO I RECOGNIZE THEM? I've heard this repeated over and over, but NOBODY has ever given me a straight answer. It's always extremely generic stuff like "body language" which basically don't tell you anything, because they NEVER explain what kind of body language I shoud look out for.
This makes so much sense. I meet this weird guy briefly during covid. When I first ran into him he was wearing a mask so I only noticed the things he said that felt hyperbolic or clingy, but I assumed he was joking and mirroring my snark rather than being serious. The second time he wasn't wearing a mask and I noticed that his facial expressions were off. He would smile too long at me and then look dead pan while flirting. At the end of the day the reason I cut him off was physical boundaries, but I find it interesting that I missed what would be a creepy red flag bc of covid masks lol.
This is not a "creepy" red flag, this is predation 😂 are you stil alive atm ???!😮
Take care plz
20:44 Bro every time you "act creppy" I smile at how relatable that is then you come and tell me is a caricature...
But seriously, Thank you for explaining this stuff.
Didn't find any of the slide examples "creppy" so will be usefull to know why people do (so maybe I can try to not come off as creppy as well)
Video on point! I'd just add that introversion/extroversion doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sociability. Many extroverts recharge their battery alone. They are just usually going to be engaged with an external medium/external stimuli most of the time even after that alone time. Introverts usually feel most comfortable being in their own thoughts. They always inernalise a thought, emotion etc, before externalising energy. It's essentially reactive vs proactive cognition.
Anybody else find it hard to express happiness facially, yet still laugh a lot? I can be depressed and dead faced all day but then if something weird happens I'll burst out laughing. Its like the world doesn't make sense and I find that funny. Inappropriate social reactions are like the bedrock of my humor so I usually just find "creepy" people funny. This one time when I was younger I had to read something terrible about the holocaust aloud in class, and like obviously I thought it was terrible, but I thought "imagine if I started laughing right now", and it was just such an absurd thought that I couldn't stop laughing. I did this with several presentations throughout school, like just random presentations, where I would just die laughing the entire time and nobody knew why
based madman laughs at holocaust in front of class
@@Kanye2028 They were like 'YOU CANT LAUGH AT THIS" and I started laughing even harder because of how inappropriate it was. I also once gave a presentation in university while on LSD. Good times.
"It's like the world doesnt make sense and I find that funny". Bro that's literally me.
This is probably just as helpful for actors as it is for people trying to not be creepy
This is a lot to digest. I don't think I'll ever go on a date just because it sounds so exhausting.
Its nice to see a mental health professional be more nuanced with social relations advice. A lot of directions I've gotten (from mental health professionals!) has boiled down to "stop feeling strong emotions, just talk about it," and giving me meds that just shut my brain off. So as butthurt as it makes me to hear that I have to change how my face works to not be seen as offputting and that having a weird affect outs me as disordered. it's nice to hear that people get when you freak someone out, they aren't just gonna talk it out with you even if you have good intentions.
Video is full of gold. Just the part about neutral affect - freezing your facial expression at any point seems like a genius way to mentally torture people and creep them out but possibly without them even realizing it.
Ugh. This whole discussion on creepiness and boundaries... Man, you basically described how I devolved from my girlfriend when I was high school. I'm disappointed in how I made those mistakes, but I'm grateful now that I know what I did wrong and how I can grow into a better person.
Don’t blame yourself it’s how we were socialized as genders unfortunately. Men are taught to claim us and we’re supposed to be doormats. I totally was like that in high school. I stayed with an abusive guy I should have left a lot sooner, I regret it and made mistakes too, but you’re aware now.
I’ve even broken boundaries too in friendships and feel terrible like if they say stop doing that it’s annoying and I push their buttons and now I’m older I’m like man that’s no different then men who kept pestering me for sex or other things. It’s all about respect and consent and for you too. Men have boundaries women can violate as well.
Think it’s safest to not try to “flirt” with people if you are unsure about your ability to interact socially. Ask them on dates, connect, communicate, and then “flirt” with someone who you share a small bond with 🎉
imo it is creepy to ask on a date a person, who you've never flirted with (even a bit) and don't feel any connection to. Non-verbal stuff should come before verbal, and verbal stuff should come before decision making. Date is kinda a minivan, which is not as easy to get out from once you've stepped into it.
@@alanklm nahhh, cause if u just state your intentions you wanna date them but not flirt on the date or through texts, it shows that you are interested in them romantically but also want to know them first, once you formed a bond and you know they are comfortable with you, then it opens the door to flirting.
Dating is not necessarily like a done deal like you have to only be with that person. You can always communicate with the person that you wanna be friends instead too if you find that you dont like them like that
Compliments are always safe, it's a good way to test the water, so to speak.
@@fighterwalkthrough dating is a done deal because you agree to be with this person for a some amount of time on THIS SPECIFIC date. If you change you mind it won't be easy for you to don't go on the date. So you need to have A Reason to agree on the date in the first place.
@@alanklm sure u would need a reason to agree to go with them on the first place, for some people its looks, for others the person who asked them thought they had a good personality etc, but the point of dating is getting to know someone more (in 1 on 1 scenario), and once you learn about that person via dating, thats when you decide for yourself, do you want to pursue this or not? and if not then you gotta say early on in the relationship, "hey, i would much rather be friends" or something along hte lines of that. You can also date multiple people at the same time. it doesnt mean you are exclusive with one person only.
I now know why I get weird looks in the grocery store. Its because I remind myself out loud in second person what I need to get next. Glad to know its not an appearance thing and that it is apparently a little creepy to randomly say "you need to get onions" quietly but decidedly audibly at no one in particular
I do similar things so when I find someone doing things like that in public, I smile and immediately think, ‘I bet we’d make great friends! 😁’ so just know that some of us like you the way you are 🤗
This is exactly something I can't stand and totally hate. My mom is doing this constantly. Please shut the fu*k up I want to here my own thoughts not yours...
This whole video hits HARD! Especially the earlier points. I have never had the guts to even dare make a move ever since a very bad experience I had with a girl when I was in high school a decade ago. Won’t share specifics on here.
Any time I see a woman who I think I would like to date, I don’t even attempt an approach or make any slight remarks that could be left open to interpretation. I only keep them as just friends at most in my personal life or keep it professional if it is anyone I’m associated with at work.
I did have a relationship at one point, but she made the moves to initiate and also the one to break it up. I have been single for the last six years. I have learned a lot since then that makes me now avoid dating entirely.
You are a godsend!! So many gems that were entirely out of my awareness. Thank you! ❤
I personally think *this* type of content should be part of Dr. K's guide. This is what gamers actually need help with once they've leveled up with the rest of the guide.
I'm autistic so I often come across as creepy because of not understanding subtle social clues (or even not so subtle ones haha), it is interesting to listen to this and see if I can manage to make some changes. I don't want to make people around me feel uncomfortable, it's just that I truly don't get any of this if no one explains it explicitly to me...
Someone wrote "you could be a horror film actress" into my year book (in Germany we only do this for high school graduation). So much for being creepy 😂. To be fair, all throughout high school I did my best to keep my distance from everyone outside my close friend group. But I have after that frequently experienced that people think I'm weird because I don't talk much aswell. More outgoing people just don't know what to do with that. For them it's like talking to a wall.
Eventually, I met my now boyfriend of four and a half years and there's nothing better than sitting side by side in silence. He likes me for being the quiet type, who doesn't talk much and I can feel at ease around him because there's no pressure to keep a conversation going.
Something I have been trying out lately, not in a dating context so far. Since I can't micromanage all aspects of my body language, I kinda try to let the feeling or vibe I want to project kinda flow through me.
Like, a friend wants emotional support, want to talk about something painful. Rather than overthinking what I should say to be supportive, I just focused on kinda vibing with them. Putting myself in a headspace of empathy.
And yeah, for me it helps to think of it in a spiritual way. And maybe in this way I do manage to communicate with them at some metaphysical level. But that is really not necessary, the point is putting myself in a mindspace where my body language naturally adapt to the situation.
I did an experiment on this, when taking a selfie. I used to have a problem when being photographed, overthinking my facial expression and such. But this time, I just focused on kinda filling my body with a good vibe. And that selfie came out great.
How have i not come across you before…. This channel is soooo good thanks bro
I'd like to add to this that a lot of things we consider to be creepy seem to correlate with *predatory behavior.*
Someone is staring intensely at you with an unflinching smile? That's a primate about to jump at you and bite you.
But, in the same sense, someone that is trying to get you to like them is *technically* just as predatory; it's a tailored act aimed to manipulate you in a certain way that is beneficial to their goal - a goal which might or might not have your best interests in mind.
I mean, yeah, there is no ill intent. You aren't trying to rob them or something. But someone that *would* would utilize the exact same methods, and that's why it comes across as creepy.
Yup I've had people stare at me, I say hi and get zero reponse back, that's creepy.
@Gaius I've never thought about that. Then, for someone who means no ill-intent, how should one get to be liked genuinely? I mean, I don't think anyone in this world wants be hated.
Yes, exactly! I can say that, as a woman, the behaviors we often find "creepy" are ones that make us feel we may be being preyed upon.
@@IGamingStation well if u r on a date , instead of rehearsing the conversation in ur mind and calculating what ur next words should be . Just be natural and be yourself .
If you do that you wouldnt give off "they're tryna manipulate me and prey on me" creepy vibes . You would be a normal interesting potential bf/gf .
Its the same when it comes to friendships , people can still be creepy even if they arent interested in dating
@@DimaRakesah Let's face it, if the guy is attractive it's not a problem. This is usually why there are so many women crying over "fuck boys", and the "creep" guy often wouldn't make women suffer.
Trying is so exhausting though 😭😔 having to constantly think about your facial expressions and tone is so much work if it doesn’t come naturally 🥲 I’m autistic and I’ve gotten pretty good at masking and gauging people, I’m probably too good at it honestly. Whenever I’m in a bad mood though or don’t want to try I get called creepy or something cuz my voice is like monotone and flat and my face is like •_• or maybe I’ll stare at someone for too long cuz I’m zoned out. Why can’t I just live 😭
I've found that in studies and whatnot, when autistic people interact with each other there are no issues and they don't have to mask. Maybe reach out to people to make friends in an Autism Discord group or something like that? That's what I plan to do once I get a proper diagnosis but it could take years :/
Thiiisss. 😭 I’ve just come to accept myself whenever I don’t have the energy to mask. My intentions are good and people pick up on that at least and look past my monotone voice and blank stare lol. I like what Beth said on making friends who are autistic esp on discord. I have neurodivergent friends and it’s so comforting and refreshing that they can relate to me. Plus Im So lucky to work with people who are understanding, accepting and adapt to whenever I can’t keep up with masking. Good luck and I wish you the best ✨
There's a niche for everyone on the internet, I'm hopeful that y'all can find people with whom you can be yourself without trying to put on a mask.
Willem Dafoe as Norman Osborne/Green Goblin in Spiderman is such a great example of creepy the way you're describing it. I just keep picturing him for all your examples of creepy behaviours. Also the goblin mask when he's wearing it is stuck in a perpetual evil smile no matter what he's saying or doing, while the brow also looks furrowed in a stare/glare so it's like smiling AT you in a way that is very intentional and aggressive/predatory-feeling.
I imagine this content is a blessing for so many people. You're a great counselor!
Just found out I might just have social anxiety at around 26 minutes Ty Dr.K. It always felt like I am putting on an act when interacting with people and I’m always thinking OK how did that go and critiquing myself.
as an autistic person who struggles a lot in the areas talked about here, i feel both seen and very called out
I was not emotionally prepared to hear Dr. K tell me to get into his van
Shoulda hopped in. We're halfway to Disney world.
There is a personal limit for the internal stimuli I have. The speaking of inner monologue when someone is crafting, doesn't matter what is being crafted, I like seeing the process of creation unfold, and hearing the problems and the solutions they come up with.
I think what I take from this is that we should accept that we're going to be creepy sometimes whether we know it or not. What we can do to help are to find people who love us even when we're unacceptable and to not withdraw from life, as facing life over and over again is what will allow us to socially acclimate, and discomfort is part of the process. Also, keep in mind that sometimes it's a superpower to go against the group, that the will of the group is often cruel and inhuman. We don't need the whole world to love us, only to be connected to others.
All of this is predicated on you caring for the other person, being able to relax around them, and having some internal sense of what they must be feeling beyond what they show you. If you’re trying to come across as neurotypical, it is e.g. your responsibility to keep track of self-focused tangents that are typical of ASD
Perhaps you should consider the possibility that most genuine people wear their emotions on their face. Trying to read their mind to figure out if they're being genuine with you doesn't help you mirror them that's more you getting stuck in your head. If you're trying to mirror them then you'll go with what they give you, and the more comfortable they get the more their deeper emotions come out.
@@platcrab4890 This is true, although with the exception of autistic people themselves. The handful of people I personally know with mild autism are among the most genuine I’ve ever known. I guess, dealing with shitty passive-aggressive is seen as just part of the job when socialising, when as you say it should be up to shitty people to correct their own behaviour
I’ve been talking to myself (and WITH myself) since learning to form full sentences (i.e. nearly my entire life). Although it helps me organize my thoughts and emotions, I suspect it to be a coping mechanism more than anything else. More specifically, my self-talk alleviates chronic feelings of loneliness and social inadequacy by simulating social contact. Doesn’t sound too healthy, now does it? Thankfully I never feel the need for it around friends and family, and it doesn’t hinder my emotional affect much. Plus most of the conversations I have with myself are driven by personal interests like gardening and gaming, as opposed to, for example, perceived social faux-pas and other such delusions.
Sometimes you've gotta consult the expert is what you tell people that trash you for that lol
Haha, I talk to myself a lot, too! For me it helps me focus on a single train of thought, and forces me to verbalize thoughts, which slows them down enough to make them make sense. But I'm super aware that people don't like it out in public, so what I often do is just name what's happening. Like if I catch someone's eye and they look uncomfortable, I'll say like, oh haha, sorry, I was talking out loud, wasn't I?
Self talk is a normal part of human development. It starts when children are first learning to talk - some theorize as a way to practice speech - and continues indefinitely, often through out a persons life. It is a manner of organizing thoughts and processing information. It is the context which matters. Self talk is done when alone, or in the company of someone who you are not working congruently with. For example, if I am cleaning the kitchen while my fiance is doing work in the adjacent living room, I may self-talk even though he can technically hear. We are both very comfortable with each other and do not need to be attending to each other at the moment. If I were to do that with a guest in my living room, that would be weird. Self talk is all about context.
I have been watching a lot of your videos and I find that this is one of the most relatable. I've never been called creepy. I've been called awkward before, but never creepy. But I had often found myself trying to force an emotion or soemthing because I feel like I should, a lot of it because I didn't feel things very strongly before and was apathetic towards the world. I beat myself up so much over that, feeling like a terrible person 24/7 and that I had to fake to be "good". I realize now that's just maybe depression, anxiety, social anxiety, all or maybe something else entirely.
Lately things have been a bit better. A bit worse in other ways. I think I am starting to understand my part in the breakup with my ex who was the person I thought I'd be living the rest of my life with. It wasn't all me - but that isn't the point. The point is I'm understanding what was me more now.
Something that might be irrelevant but I think is helping was pretty much deleting Discord and other social media activity. It's fun to browse the memes and stuff but I pretty much went to lurking status everywhere and don't try to spend as much time on them. I never realized how stressful social media just existing as part of it was.
I'm trying to schedule for a psychiatric evaluation now, but it's hard to find anywhere around that is taking new patients. I might give therepy another try, but last time I ended up with someone who couldn't even remember my name or to tell me he moved offices, and I felt lead me into making decisions I didn't actually agree with.
If it makes you feel better understand that Im going through a pretty similar scenario trying to reevaluate socializing again after my breakup. Were all taking those increments of progress to find our core again.
What's so fascinating about this is that all of it revolves around a shared human experience and understanding of the environment around us. When those shared understandings are violated in a way that is outside of the boundaries of what we would consider reasonable, or outside the boundaries of shared reality (i.e. responding to voices in one's head ala acute psychosis), it's deeply offputting and we no longer trust the other person, at least for that moment. I'm not experiencing reality in the way that you are in this moment, whether sensory, motivational, etc, and I no longer feel like I should trust you.
The Creepy label. My own son says that I’m “creepy”. I think it has a lot to do with social emotional development as well. He can’t really explain, other than he says his friends tell him that I’m creepy. I can’t help but take that personally. You’re touching on in at 44:27. You have great content.
11:50 omfg
That gave me chills
You're not a creep for being an introvert, it's just a lack of social skills. Introvertedness does not preclude you from being socially skilled! It does take conscious practice. For introverts, that expends a lot of energy. But like everything else, it's something to get good at. There's a lot of other things that expend energy, but you do it (chores, hobbies, jobs, etc.) to gain some positive result. Achieve something, get money, have a clean house, etc. Introvertedness has no bearing on your ability to be socially skilled.
Seeing it this way helped me a lot when I was younger, and I worked deliberately to interact as much as possible (within my limits), get as much social practice as possible. It's hard, believe me, I know, but it's worth doing.
I figured this out by stumbling into introvert folks being grumpy about larger interactions, to then be as chatty and ignorant within their small groups.
Socially awkward means missing a skillset that's hard to practice when others want people to be comfortable around, not practice dummies. This is true for language learning, no one knows how to slow down for the new speaker.
"Just be a social butterfly bro!"
Wow this is wild to hear. I had gotten really good at hiding my emotions on my face. Until they burst out of me it always seemed like people had a hard time reading me but thats what I had learned from my family. Just be still dont react and maybe they wont hurt you. Then other social circles would see that as weird/creepy.
Later on I got into a car wreck and, long story short, i have a lot of issues with tension/scar tissue/fascia. One result from this is face numbness. Like a lot of things it wasnt until I lost the ability to react with my face that I really noticed it as a barrier of perception. After a lot of hard work & dedication I have made progress on these issues in my head/neck area and its really wild to hear how much it can affect in terms of automatic human psychology.
actually it's a good idea about recalling good memories to have a hearful smile. Thanks for the idea