What Being Asexual Feels Like
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- Опубліковано 11 лип 2024
- Today we're chatting with the lovely Holly Wyder about asexuality and what being asexual feels like.
One of the most overlooked and often denied sexual orientations, there are so many misconceptions about asexuality. We had many questions ourselves and were super happy that Holly was so open and patient to explain it all to us - and yourselves too - so that we can get more knowledge and awareness around asexuality out there!
Check out Holly's radio show "Aced It"
www.mixcloud.com/alphabetradi...
Connect with Holly on Instagram:
/ hollyiswyder
/ one99four
/ liliangessner
www.asexuality.org
Why you're still confused about your sexual orientation: • WHY you're still confu...
Love,
A + L
Thank you Holly for being so open and patient and answering all of our questions - hopefully we can get more awareness and knowledge around asexuality out there! Would love to hear from other asexual's about their personal experiences. Thank you all for watching, and we hope you learned something new as well!
If you ever have Holly on again, i have a question. - does she see Asexuality as something too be conquered or accepted ?
@@patrickwatkins7572 that's a good question. I dont think conquered is the right verbage though. It's more about finding a way to integrate asexuality into our social norms, my entire existence as an artist is to eventually get to a place where it becomes common knowledge. So i suppose in that way I need to conquer... a lot 😛
@@hoolskay i accept this holly, and i accept you in my heart. - but dont conqurer me, because i have a simple life, and i dont want myself, or my children too know anything about asexuality untill they are much older.
ie. dont conquer me just because you cant conquer yourself.
@@patrickwatkins7572 lol, if you have a simple life then don't worry about it, but also don't make it seem like we can't have our experiences. I'm not planning to force it down anyone's throat. But just because it doesn't make sense to someone doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
My favourite sex education quote: “sex doesn’t make us whole, so how could you ever be broken?” 🥺😭🥰
Thank you for bringing an asexual guest onto the show, There really isn't enough education or representation for asexuality and a lot of people misunderstand it.
Great video. My youngest son recently came out to me as asexual. I wasn't surprised as he never liked being hugged or kissed; he tolerates a quick hug and a kiss on the forehead from me but finds physical contact in general repulsive. My son has stated that he would like to find an asexual woman to have a relationship with someday. I think it is great that at 17 he knows who he is and felt comfortable discussing it with us.
Good for your son for coming out and it's great that you're so supporting!
I just wanted to mention (as someone who is asexual) that asexuality doesn't mean you dislike physical touch, like hugs. I personally am someone who needs a lot of physical affection, just nothing of sexual nature. If your son isn't into hugging that's just a personal thing, it's not because of the asexuality:).
Thank you Sophie. I understand what you are saying. Thanks for the clarification. I did not mean to imply that all asexuals hate physical contact - only my son does.
@@bluesideace I thought your clown community didn't believe in science or if it you only use it when it benefits you. IDIOT
Chemicals in the environment are part of a population control program.
Have fun not having grandkids.
Good for him. I didn't figure out I was ace until I was 42. I completely understand the hugging thing.
I’ve never had any problems accepting that I’m not straight and not cis, but accepting that I’m asexual was a really hard and long process that’s perhaps still an ongoing one for me. Thank you for making this video! There really isn’t enough representation and information out there!
I am kinda sexually attracted to women but I think I am asexual idkb
@@lotuswolf1518 yeah i know what you mean. it is so confusing
Nice to see a sex positive asexual for once!
I think it's kind of hard for a lot of people to figure out if their asexual, because 1) it's very unknown, and a lot of people haven't even heard about it, 2) the people who've heard about it, think it means you don't like sex.
At 29 I'm finally coming to terms with being asexual, and the biggest part was realizing asexual means having no sexual attraction to anyone, not disliking sex (and yeah, I find sex weird, and it doesn't work for me as it seems to work for most people, but I don't mind it). Also how it changed my perspective on men and women, and it made me also fully realize I'm pan romantic as well.
I honestly think the percentage of asexual people is a lot higher than people think, for 1) because there is not a lot of research done about it, and for 2) people who are asexual and not sex repulsed might have less reason to figure out why they're kinda different. I've met a lot of people in my life who in retrospect are probably on the ace spectrum, but just never really figured it out, or never used the words or terms for it.
I just hope it will be more well known and talked about :)
I agree with the idea that there might be more people on the spectrum than who actually start to question themselves. They probably go with the flow, with society's expectations and it more-or-less works out for them. Like how I did before (I'm 33) Or they are demisexuals who happened to find The Right Person.
Exactly!! I'm not against sex at all, I'd be down to have sex to please my partner (If I ever have a partner)
I personally don't enjoy sex at all or romance however I do find people attractive (usually when someone is cute/adorable, I enjoy flirting but not a relationship, it's so weird and confusing
I just wanted to say that your description of your self-discovery journey made me feel seen and understood. I didn’t realize I was asexual until almost a year ago (at 24), and I’ve only very recently realized I’m panromantic as well. I was in a long term heterosexual relationship, but eventually came across the term asexuality and it has been an eye opener for me, and I’m finally making peace with how I feel about all of this. So yeah, I think discussing this makes you question all of those heterosexual precepts that flood our understanding.
I totally agree. I’m just now figuring out that I’m demisexual at 33.
Holly has a really empowered view of her own asexuality and its inspiring😍
Right? 💪🏼😊
Thank you SO much for this video! I'm ace and awkward, and one of the hardest things to explain is why I want a romantic relationship with a woman, but am not sexually attracted to them. This was perfect! Thank you!!
"Standardly chiseled" is now one of my new favorite phrases.
It's hard being asexual
As a lithromantic asexual
It truly is hard
It really is
I hear that. Oh boy.
yea i cried earlier about this because it ruined potential relationships in my life. they all say they don’t care when in the end, they always do.
The just made me feel actually a little relieved. It’s true
Thank you so for repping ace people! I didn't realize that I was ace for yeeears because I didn't understand that asexuality wasn't necessarily synonymous with sex repulsed. Could have saved me and my partners a lot of trouble if I had figured it out sooner!
I'm just fully embracing that I am asexual, and still figuring out a lot of things that suddenly make sense.
The one thing I struggled with the most was that I never had a problem with sex, and in a way found it very interesting (through, looking back, almost as a science project kind of interest). I did learn in my teenage years that I could have romantic feelings for women, but not sexual feelings, it just took me 12 years more to realize I felt the same way about men.
Never pushed the button so fast haha
Omg she is asexual, panromantic and polyamorous?? haha *blow my mind
Isn’t polyamory polygamy?
@@binghamguevara6814 Polygamy has to do with marriage and marrying more than one person - polyamory is consensual romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people regardless of marriage status
@@JT-xh1ih so a polyamorous person could be in a relationship with a married couple?
Ahhh so nice to see asexuality discussed on here!💜 It's great that Holly mentioned that asexuality is such a wide spectrum. I just want to add that one of the reasons I didn't at first realise I was asexual was that I heard a lot of ace people mention that they didn't know when people were flirting with them or they'd gone on dates without realising they were dates or they didn't realise sexual attraction was something other people experienced... That was just never something I could relate to. I've never been surprised when people asked me out, I always kinda saw it coming and I was definitely aware that other people did feel sexual attraction, I just wasn't aware that I didn't experience it myself lol. So even if you can't relate to those experiences you can still be asexual💜
Because you wrote it, made me realize I've gone on dates without realizing the other considered it a date.....
(through I'm still on the stance that if you don't say it's a date, it's not a date).
This was so beautifully validating- thank you thank you thank you! Being ace can feel so differently for so many people, but just starting the conversation is significant
Thanks for making this video! I didn’t realize I was asexual until my mid- thirties and after YEARS of therapy, but it’s been so great to realize that I’m not sick or broken. It’s so great to see others talking about it, so thank you so much for doing this 🙏🙏🙏
Hi Alexis and Lilian, just wanted to say thanks to you for sharing your videos and touching on all these important topics. Big love from Amsterdam! PS: I am loving these regular uploads!
Thank you for using your platform for addressing such important topics! You guys are wonderful! 💜💜💜
I feel romanticaly and aestheticaly attracted to men, but, i wouldn't like to have sex with them...Like, i would do it with a partner for love,but it's just weird and kinda gross...Also, i feel that i can, in fact, live my whole life without sex and it would make no difference for me. And i would never be in a relationship that is not for love.
yay! I love that you use your platform to spread awareness of asexuality!
I have two ace friends and I see how they struggle with not really being accepted in the community. we have so much work to do.
You have 3 ace friends now.
I'm asexual, and I am repulsed by any physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It just makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It also kind of sucks because nobody gets it. I like people, and I am attracted to people based on their outward appearance and personality, but not in a sexual way. The thought of being intimate with them just causes a sort of panic to set it. I can have sex, but hate every minute of it, and get no enjoyment out of it whatsoever. In the rare instance I do it it's more out of obligation to make the other person happy. It's hard to explain, and everyone just automatically assumes that I am gay, while personally I don't consider myself gay or straight, I'm neither.
I experience the same thing. I have a partner and I try and have intimacy with him but I don't enjoy it, he knows I don't enjoy it and I am doing it out of an obligation because I don't want him to suffer and feel undesirable. We are taught growing up how when we hit puberty it's natural and normal to feel a certain way towards others and have these desires and urges but the idea that some don't is never spoken about from my experience. Like this concept doesn't exist.
This is wonderful! Love the channel and super happy to see some time spent on asexuality. Sometimes I feel like I see so much focus on aro ace, which is also important, but romantic asexuality content can be hard to find too (and that's where I fall so that's my bias I guess lol). I love hearing more from all spots on the asexual spectrum!
Thank you so much Holly for talking about this topic. It is so important to hear many voices
This is great! I have been curious about asexuality and didn't know where to start, this is so helpful, thanks girlz
Soo thankful to u guys for talking about asexuality it's really hard for us to explain every other person what is asexuality.. Thanku guyss 🌈
The great representation 👏👏👏 still gonna finish watching the video but thanks a lot for this, it's good to see Ace content around here 💜🖤
Love from Australia and enjoyed Holly and how open and honest she was when she talked. I learnt so much about this topic and I love this topic so much, thank you so much about this and enjoying this series if you could call it that but love it keep it coming.
If only you and this level of understanding was around thirty years ago. Thanks for the post.
I'm demi pan and at 1:25 - 1:52 I already relate to Holly 🤣 "We're being very friendly!"
Great vid girls, thank you for your hard work 💕
I'm just so confused all the time. I'm certain I am aromantic because I've been romance repulsed my entire life, which helped me differentiate romantic attraction from the other types of attraction and made me realize that I don't feel romantic attraction.
But sexual attraction is much harder for me. I know that I am sex favourable, but I don't know if I am asexual, demisexual, graysexual, allosexual, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual or anything.
And I know that that's fine and I can take my time or that I can chose not to define my sexuality at all (which is what I've chosen to do at least for now), but every time someone talks about their (a)sexuality I start to doubt myself and it sucks.
If anyone read all this, thanks for listening❤
I feel you!! I'm not aromantic, but I am also soo confused about my (a)sexuality...like I know I don't have to label myself, but I kinda want to? I just want to know for myself. It's so annoying to always question yourself.
1:49 HAHAHAHAH OMG YES it's like the most asexual line ever
Holly's really cute, she's great at the explaining parts 💕 hope to see more guests for different sexualities and/or genders
I could relate to Holly`s words and it`s very calming to me)) Im asexual but still I always doubt that (cause I doubt everything...) I wish i could like this 10,000 times
Hey guys🙌🏻congratulations on completing 100K subscribers..you guys deserves lot more.. lots and lots of love from India❤keep spreading love and awareness like this always:)
Just found your channel and I came across the perfect video I am asexual / aromantic I didn't expect an lgbt couple to cover asexuality love you alexsis and Lillian your both beautiful inside and out
Omg 100k subscribers ! Congratulations!!
My asexuality isn't based on not recognizing sexually related stuff but more on just a complete lack of interest in it. It's like, I know what checkers is, it's a fun thing a lot of people enjoy from kids to adults, I don't want to play checkers.
Hey A&L, I myself am not ASexual yet I found this vlog very interesting, I’m learning new topics all the time about sexuality. Well done girls. ❤️
Very informative, thanks to three of you!
"People get confused." Yes, sounds very confusing.
She explained everything so nicely
Your channel is so awesome and informative 😍
As a fellow ace, thank you Holly!!!
SO INTERESTING ! Thank you for bringing Holly to this channel. I like this kind of video, and it would be interesting to talk about polyamorous too, if you know someone :)
Thank you for this! 💚
this was great!!
Congratulation girls ! You made nearly 1mill sub
Hope its not as far as it seems stay safe and stay happy
Love this! I learned a bunch of new things.
Thank you so much for this video!!
Thank you for sharing this. Before watching this I misunderstood asexuality. I had thought that an asexual a person didn’t at all have romantic or sexual feelings for anyone.
Also, Lillian, where did you get your necklace?? It looks pretty with a plain black shirt.
love it thanks for making these kinda videos❤️
I've come out (as biro ace) to both of my older, allosexual sisters, one was extremely supportive and the other didn't really understand :)) the first sister is taking me to 2021 pride and I'm really excited
I have so much to learn
Keep the videos coming
Wow...so close to 100k 🤗👍👍 congratulations 🎉👏 in advance 😉😍
I am someone who has been described by others, (i.e., close friends/ acquaintances,) as "asexual," which at the time, seemed accurate. However, I think that my asexuality was situational. Perhaps they were experiencing frustration, because they hadn't seen me express myself regarding sex, toward anyone, nor had i expressed interest, even if they had made sexual advances. However, i did have sexual attractions and interests... just not with those people, nor did i feel the need to share my interests, since those individuals were not included in my sexual fantasies. I generally agreed with their assessments, as a way of avoiding any awkward moments that may have led to me divulging feelings which i considered private or intimate. Truth be told, I prefer not to claim any orientation, as I feel that labels are too confining. I do share my feelings of attraction with individuals if i feel it is pertinent to a specific situation, or if i wish to pursue intimate interactions with them. I just don't want to be lumped into a category, such as gay, straight, trans, etc., because i feel like i could be attracted to someone outside of what that category would expect of me. Not that i am worried about disappointing members of a category. I guess i just don't identify with the fuss of what i am. I am me. I hope that is enough for whoever i find compatibility in attraction with. Am i crazy? Am i stupid? Am i gay? A lot of people have identified me as gay, and while i have done some "gay," things, i have never really felt as though i fit in that category either. Is it okay to not be categorized? I'm more than okay with whatever category other people are in, while not interested in personally subscribing to any of them? Sorry if i offend anyone here... i might be legitimately simple minded or something, but i am not insensitive, i promise. I love all others, and for many more reasons than their genitals or their orientation, or their individual viewpoints. We are all highly valued, multifaceted gems. Our flaws are some of the most beautiful features. And i hope that everyone has an awareness of the love and interconnectivity which we are ALL manifestations of.
I'm not sure if I'm asexual but I don't enjoy sex anymore and am repulsed at the idea of somebody touching me. It makes me feel weird when someone does . This has been going on for nearly 3 years now and I just can't figure it out.
Please do spread awareness on Sexuality and such.... Its very much helpful for me personally for someone who is realising my own Demisexuality
Haha what an recognizable beginning, what a friendly people, they are really nice and kind. And later on discovering they where attracted 😂
great video!!
I felt Holly when she said I know how to flirt. I flirt with people all the same so don't be mad at me when you catch feelings and I don't.
I love your channel! 1 lakh subscribers soon! Btw I am from India
Constantly on that ace journey, started thinking I was bi in middle school then gay in college then o snap yall non asexual people have sex like 2x a day???? I was over here bargaining like well I'm not completely ace I like to imagine doing stuff every month or so.. so now I'm like ah probably gray a. But then even then I'm dating another non sexual person and we never line up wanting it at the same time so difficult to completely work out :/
You guys are great!
I really like the topics you are talking about, make asexuality visible, along with so many others, Aromantic Spectrum would be nice too, Pansexuality, demisexuality. So many! knowledge helps to understand that perhaps one thing does not define you. Great Video. Cheers from Argentina.
The “being really friendly” thing is my experience exactly.
Especially when I would be out with friends and I’d meet different people that I thought were “really nice” and then when I would call or bump into them again and they would be really stand off-ish...only then I would realise that they had been drinking and it was really just the alcohol that made them “really friendly”.
I can relate
I don’t experience sexual attraction. As a teenager when my friends would be saying how “good looking” someone was (always a guy), I would not get that, I thought that it would eventually happen for me, but it didn’t.
For most of the time I would pretend and just join in.
Presently I’m avoiding telling people about how I feel, I’m also fearful that the people I do have in my life, people that I know want more of a physical relationship with me, that they would stop being my friend, not like me anymore..it’s complicated and makes me feel sad sometimes.
I always think that I would have been a perfect “ladies companion”. back in the days when that was a real job description - I wish it still was ❤
Loved this, took me 28 years but I've settled on a Panromantic Demi-flux Sapphic. It's a mouthful but gets the point across haha 😂❤️
hmmm so pan romantic, so
romantically attracted to all genders but you're sometimes sexually attracted to women you have formed an emotional bond with ?
Your videos are really helpful,, Love your channel 🧡🏳️🌈
this explains a lot of things that caused problems in my life. realizing you’re asexual is hard😐
I must admit when I first heard of asexuality I previously didn't realize this could be a normal state of being. I must admit I thought it had a pathological source. I assumed EVERYONE was sexual -- no matter the orientation. Later I heard of asexual and/or aromantic people. I hate to make this comparison but I've studied extensively the phenomenon of psychopathology. I don't think psychopaths are necessarily inherently evil. I think they're numb, oblivious to certain human responses. Certain emotional experiences go right over their heads. I think all of this variety in human beings comes down to biology especially of our brains. This is kind of reminds me of when I realized that being gay and having same sex attraction was DIFFERENT from what most OTHER people felt.
I'm asexual - which is especially challenging to socially exist in Ontario Canada, although on the brightside, with the asexual life I've noticed that isolation can be an addiction.
she's so lovely 🥺💗💗💗
I’m asexual and my friends have tried to teach me how to flirt multiple times. It’s so unnatural to me. I don’t know what sexual attraction feels like so it’s hard to pretend I do when I’m romantically interested in someone. Sexual tension only exists in movies for me. Like I know HOW to flirt but if I’m in a scenario where I would consider flirting or someone might be flirting with me, I just can’t understand the cues and assume people are being friendly
Very intellectual. Are most asexuals more cognitive? The spectrum of human beings makes it very interesting and not boring for sure. I have met a woman with the same ‘labels’ as Holly asexual - poly all the way. She was different in her approach in living then I we am. We were coworkers she was so how would I say... fresh (not your norm) and fun to be around. Very interesting life stories. Thumbs up for your guest!!! Thank you Holly!
Young fellow questioning whether their ace or a late bloomer here
To be honest HV spent the whole tym lukin at Lillian ,seriously u luk so fresh and stunning, the fact that i luv black u just nailed that luk.thou missed you guys.
That woman is lovely 🥺
I'm aromantic asexual and I do want a partner! Thanks for the representation, ace and aro are big wide spectrums 💚💜✨
I do not experience romantic nor sexual attraction but emotional & sensual attraction do drive me to want to spent time next to someone and eventually develop a strong connection and so become partners. Thank youu for making this video!
This is so cool!
I feel understandet, I`m asexual too.
Well this is just my cup of tea I m demi sexual and lesbian ... So yeh this a great topic... ❤❤❤
Can you recommend places or groups in Berlin to get to talk to (grey)Asexuals? Furthermore I would be very interested how being Poly and Ace plays out for Holly.
Feel free to reach out to me on the gram (@hollyiswyder) or follow my blog polyamorous.com always happy to discuss
Thank you for this video, really interesting! Some things went a bit too fast for me, so - sorry if I'm ignorant I just don't know much about it - you still have and enjoy sex, but don't feel sexually attracted, did I understand this right?
Yes
Wow, this is a lot. Like I'm bout to rewind a couple of times.
😂
7:03 I genuinely don't know what's the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship. When I ask people about it, they usually say "you just know it when you're in love" or "being in love is like wanting to be friends with someone but you also want to have sex with them". So it's either about sexual attraction or about this mysterious feeling that no one can describe?? You guys said that it's about the connection, but that doesn't explain anything... guess, I'll never know
I disagree about the statement of wanting to be friends but also wanting to have sex - being in love with someone means you think about them all the time, you get butterflies when you see them, you get a rush of amazing feelings flooding you when you’re together. And you’ll likely want to have sex with them as well because touching them feels amazing, but that’s not the case for everyone.
Asexual here. Never felt sexually attracted to anyone. It's kind of boring but I don't mind, this is natural to me. I did and I still have bfs though, mostly to cure loneliness.
That's interesting.
wait, what? now I'm questioning what does it mean to be sexual attracted to someone. I guess i'm missing something?
You can watch our previous video where we discuss this! “Why you’re still confused about your sexual orientation”
I don't fully understand flirting , only have had a very amount of crushes, love hugging and cuddling with my girlfriend but don't feel anything with kissing yet still love her a lot , feel like sex scenes in movies/tv shows is pointless , haven't had sex but prefer cuddling but I'd be ok with sex if my girlfriend wants to due to trusting her and she won't force me to which is nice , have told someone that I'm not really interested in sex and they said how do you know if you haven't tried it, i crush on fictional characters way more than actually people, I've made up a celebrity crush before when friends talked about theirs just to not feel left out, I've only dated one person, will never ever do one night stands , prefer romantic comedies over other romantic movies, don't care for hook up culture, don't care for online dating apps, sometimes wonder if I'm broken , have been told you haven't found the right person yet , people think it's odd that I've dating someone for a few years and haven't had sex their like idk how you date for so long and not do it , can barely tell if someone is flirting with me , i sometimes do private self cleaning time but don't really enjoy it and sometimes feels like a choir not pleasure but don't hate it , i think I'm sex positive and or sex neutral , am i asexual ?
Pipi longstocking & Young annie lennox lol
I’m so glad that this video got made 💗 but is it just me or with Covid-19 whenever I see people not 6 feet apart and without masks on I’m like AHHHHHH
My COVID anxiety spiked when she mentioned hooking up with three different guys recently. Watch yourselves, people!
We actually had all been tested prior to this video !
Holly Wyder Good to hear! Thank you for this great collaboration, it’s super nice to see ace representation on UA-cam! 😊
As a quoiromantic, I don't know the difference between a close friend and a partner. I'm invested in both of them (and I have sex with only one of them but that's not the topic). What's the difference? You talk to both of them, you are interested in a life of both of them, you go for a drink or a dinner with both of them. The difference has to be something inside that I don't have.
I feel your pain.
I'm a sex-repulsed Asexual. I have been in a 5 year engagement with a straight man. We are almost 40 but have no desire for kids. It's really hard as I like cuddles/hugs/conversations but sex makes me want to vomit. I thought I was gay when i was younger but no, sex with ANYONE makes me nauseous and bored/grossed out/angry. I feel bad for my partner but he accepts me for who I am at the end of the day.
Childhood trauma....?
💐💐💐
Well... That explains a lot😅
I am still confused but that's okay, I hate labels anyway!
I don’t get people and their sexuality. I’m in a relationship with a man that wants it 3 times a week I find that a problem I have no sex drive
Me being aro-ace it make me remember, once I was super-friend with my neighbor, and I was thinking that it could lead toward some sort of platonic but super-best-friend relationship. Her being strait and an ex-striptease dancer, somewhat looking interested into me, she asked me to tell her how attractive she was... I was "euh, you have a brightful personality, you're so generous, full of energy, smart, have strong convictions that I admire and respect etc" then she asked about her body... me "well... your hair smell nice?"... she just turned away and avoided me for months until presenting me her new boyfriend. 😐
Honestly I would rather have a man tell me all of these things about my intelligence rather than my body. she missed out on a good thing and instead she chose a good time! That's her loss!
@@yaapeasah4443 we had a real deep spiritual and intellectual connection, but it was not enough for her.
@@vivalarevolucion9 people are always saying it's what's on the inside that matters. lot of them need to practice what they preach!
Such a brilliant girl! Thank you so much! ❤
Realizing I''m asexual was so hard, because I do have a sex drive. Initially, I didn't find my 'flavor' of asexuality represented anywhere. I like sex. I just don't experience sexual or romantic attraction. Glad to hear this side of asexuality more often these days.
Okay... i am kind of questioning this myself because i want sex but i don't look at a person and think i want to have sex with this specific person... is this asexual?
I believe with your what they call aromantic asexual. you find people aesthetically pleasing but not sexually yes?
very pretty girls