Do you feel "Queer Enough"? Queer Imposter Syndrome
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- Опубліковано 19 сер 2023
- We've had a lot of discussions at our queer retreats about "queer imposter syndrome" - not feeling queer enough, not feeling like you belong to queer spaces.
What causes these feelings, when you know you ARE queer and DO belong to these spaces? And how can you overcome it?
We discuss these aspects here and would love to hear YOUR experiences as well.
Love,
A + L
Join one of our retreats for queer women: www.sapphiccircle.com
/ one99four
/ lilianbrilliant_ - Розваги
Hi friends - would love to get your thoughts on this one! Is queer imposter syndrome something you've struggled with? How do you deal with it and where do you think those feelings come from?
You know I watch because you are you exactly who you are. When you put labels it reminds me of flavors of ice cream. This people start saying oh I hate chocolate, etc. Just do what you want. Friggin names by know it alls. Lillian don't get caught up in that crap. So you have short hair big deal you know, all of sudden you have a new name. You are Lillian.
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Tu super les roportages les filles bs❤❤❤❤❤🎉
Maybe feeling "not queer enough" is rooted in heterosexual overculture in us. We still feel to be queer is to be not-normal, so if i feel normal i cannot be queer. Maybe?
Hmm interesting take - you could be on to something there!
I can relate and my main issues with not feeling queer enough are related to other people's biphobia. :(
Yup… and therefore not feeling welcome in queer spaces
Same. I've been trying to remind myself that it's other people's biphobia, not me, who is actually "the problem"
Same here... I fully realized I was pan in my 30s, and despite most people being supportive, some people reacted with brows high up saying "she is bored" or just that I don't know how to gain attention or that being abroad (in Sweden) is "having an impact" on me. I come from a rather conservative country.
I know it the other way around. Me as a lesbian got questioned from pan/bise+uals a couple of times, that there can`t be a se+ual preference for a female body, it wouldn`t matter.
Sadly there is some phobia of all kinds within the queer community. I hope that this will change
❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤
I relate so much to this and honestly it's such a relief to hear other queer people also have these doubts.
Hi ! Pansexual nonbinary here, for a long time I thought I was a cis hetero man, before realizing my queerness in my late 20s. I felt like I had so much of cisgender and hetero privileges, that I could not belong to the queer community. As a late bloomer, I did not suffer too much from LGBTphobia at school or in my family, and now I am an independent adult person, white, and with a masculine passing, therefore I suffer less from discrimination than other queer folks. Coming to terms with the queer imposter syndrome was kinda difficult, but now I have found wonderful people around me who really make me feel part of the community and I am proudly queer !
I came from a lgbt club night where people said I was straight or their “gaydar” didn't go off. I even came out to someone & heard snickers saying “She's not gay 😂”. All because I had long hair, wore makeup, wore a dress & wore heels.
It's nobody’s business but I have always been attracted to women, way more than men. I love femininity, hence why I am the way I am. It's so frustrating when people invalidate fems as if how you look determines who you are inside. Then my date, who is also fem came. We kissed & people said it was “too much.” you literally can't win!
My younger sister was a man-eater until she fell in love with her best friend, who also liked boys, but eventually she fell in love with my sister. They have lived together for years, happy in a monogamous relationship. But, although they have lived in several accepting European countries since then, they have not been able to integrate into the local lesbian community because of the "not queer enough" view. In practice, they are seen as LGBTQ tourists after it is revealed that they "come from the straight side". In my own queer community, there are several asexual people, as well as people who have never had sex with a person of the same sex. Are they "queer enough" but two women in love with each other and having an active sex life are not?
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You guys are so beautiful today ! my imposter syndrome resides in the 60-40 ratio Woman-Man i'm attracted to. Though, romantically now at 49 , i accept myself enough to honour the 40%. Time for change, time to be me. The nice thing about being bi is how fluent we can be romantically, like speaking two languages without difficulties.
I don’t think there is a line you have to cross to be “queer enough”. There is no ranking system. People have different experiences and life paths. If you feel queer, then you are queer. Others don’t get to judge you on your life and your feelings. 🌈
Nobody has said to me "yeah you grew up straight so you can't be a lesbian" but being a late bloomer who thought I was straight definitely I relate to this 😢
❤ thanks for talking about being bisexual. I've felt so confused as attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women. I've rejoined a dating app and don't find many women attractive anymore, perhaps as I'm older now.
I work with someone who I'm attracted to her personality but not physically. Hopefully there is someone out there for me. Love you both x
Such an important topic! ❤️ I used to feel that often because i have mostly been with men throughout my life, but always had an amazing circle of queer friends and identify myself as queer. Realizing that its a big spectrum and all experiences are valuable and precious can bring us only closer together. ❤️
I really appreciate the way you both talk about these ideas. The language that you use isn’t decisive or certain, but curious, open and focusing on individual experiences. Divisive and certain language about gender, sexuality and identity makes me retreat.
I look forward to hearing your take on Compulsory heterosexuality!
I think the reason people would question your being bi is because it’s so much easier for us queer women to be with men. That’s why I’ve been with men more than women in my life, because that’s whose chased me my entire life, even though I didn’t really care for them back. I think they’re subjectively handsome, but don’t feel sexual attraction towards them and have never enjoyed the sex. But I’ve been with them because it’s easier as they are the pursuers and I don’t like doing the pursuing. Dating women is more difficult because we have to go out of our way to find queer women who are attracted to us and us attracted to them. So saying you are attracted to men yet never being with a man is rare, I would say. Especially if men have always found you attractive, which has always been my case. Not saying judging your feelings is okay, just saying it is unique as it is much easier to be with men.
I definitely experience queer imposter syndrome. I am a late bloomer & married to a man. We have an open relationship, so I am able to pursue relationships with women (and men). I have found that romantic & sexual experiences with women have really helped me work through these feelings. It's not fully resolved, but I am feeling more confident in my sexuality.
I feel not queer cause i am seemingly masc tall black man, currently in a seemingly hetrosexual relationship. I believe people's stereotypes, whether straight or queer, are the only reality they can see. i agree that things will hopefully change with more diverse represntation.
Sometimes i feel like i'm too queer and not queer enough. It scares me when people think i'm straight but it also scares me when people think i'm queer. I guess i get scared that it'll change how people view me.
wow you opened up a real pandora's box for me (excuse the pun). I'm a "late - blooming queer" and QIS is really a big one for me. I came out in the early 90's when I was 40 years old, had 2 years with exclusively women, ID'd as lesbian at that point, then dabbled around with men again for awhile because the women I was with were very abusive and dysfunctional and I couldn't handle it. But when I went back with men, I did not feel "unqueer" I still knew I was a lez, but then I re-identified as bisexual. After another 14 years of seeing men very occasionally (mostly solo), I went celibate and I have been ever since. So then I started wondering if I was gray sexual or pan sexual. I'm definitely queer-sexual but maybe it's Queer Imposter Syndrome that has put the kabash on me even trying to go back to women (or anyone) because I don't know where I belong and I do feel like an imposter if i seek out women. I like your saphhic circles as a place where you can explore that question. Wish it wasn't all the way over in Europe, although I love traveling there (I'm a Californian). Wish I could talk about this somewhere safe. I do think other people know I'm queer more than I do, however. I guess I radiate it
Great subject & loving all the different thoughts & experiences from everyone ❤
my entire 20s i have had a severe case of comphet "syndrome" hhhhh before i realized im just a lesbian, the whole time i thought i was bi / pan but i never sought relationships with men! instead i told everyone "oh yeah im attracted to them" but now i understand types of attraction, and aesthetic attraction is what i feel towards them and sometimes gender envy, cause i just im obsessed with beautiful and bulky guys.
Fantastic video! However you identify within the LGBTQ community, I believe heteronormative views are very much engrained in our societal structures, sadly. Even in queer spaces. Fighting for the right to just be yourself is a constant. There is so much to unpack being gay. We have come a long way, but it is exhausting always having to prove your queerness, even within the LGBTQ+ community - and especially for bi folks. For a community that is meant to be inclusive there is so much bi and trans phobia out there. The LGBTQ community is wonderful, but as a whole I believe we all have so much growing to do! I think we all need to be a little kinder to each other, the world is hard enough as it is. Such a great video - love you guys. :)🤎🖤💚
Very well said ❤️
I know I most probably am not 'queer enough' but the thing is I don't want to be any different to what I already am. The way as I see it, the only wrong thing about this side of the coin is, it's been really hard to find other women who are similar to me i.e. everyone I've met in my eyes appears 'too queer' and I have always felt like I won't be able to hit it off with them because of the differences.
Sometimes I've wondered if I made certain decisions because I wanted to, or because I felt like my queerness needed to be "validated". I have to admit that doing certain things, like bleaching part of my hair and experiencing more with different clothes, have indeed made me feel reassured in my identity as a queer person. At the same time, I can definetely relate to how biphobia is so real because people always question me when I say I'm bi and I'm mainly into nb people and women, although I'm still atracted to some men. I guess things need to be normalised one by one. Thanks for bringin up this topics!! Have a good day!
wow your videos are always so on point.i can relate so much. i don't have an exact label for myself since i've only been discovering my identity/having expericiences over the pass year almost but i know i'm veryyy queer lol. sometimes when i am in queer spaces i feel a bit like an imposter since i'm a bit of late bloomer in this arena so it's nice to hear your validations . thank you
Thank you for mentioning Muna. I was not familiar. I explored a bit and found Muna: NPR Tiny Desk Concert. Amazing! Rare I find music that resonates. I appreciate your music choices when watching your travel "movies". I enjoyed the travel movies. All your videos are well done, creative, funny and thoughtful.
Actually I feel the same as Lilian in some way so i'm so i'm feeling very validated right now :). I'm a twenty year old person who has had two boyfriends for a substantial amount of time and a few 'situationships' with girls in the past. I'm coming to realize or rather, accept, that I don't feel romantic attraction to men but I do feel sexual attraction to them. I have felt a lot of guilt towards these two boyfriends and also got a feeling of not being 'lesbian enough' if i would feel sexually attracted to men but would only date women. I kind of felt like the only one, which I'm now realizing is a bit dramatic, who just wants to date women and have sex sometimes with men. It always felt like a two package deal, you can only feel both the things at the same time. So thank you so much for this video and making me feel so much less alone!!
When I first started going with men I felt I wasn't queer enough. Being trans I felt that being with men wad actually a straight activity. But when I fully transitioned and married a woman, I felt queer enough.
I can see Lord Ganesha on the background wall. Happy to see you guys follow some of Indian cultural traditions. 🇮🇳🏳️🌈
I love all your videos, sorry that my questions has nothing to do with this amazing topic, but could you share what camara you use to make your vlogs & videos pleeeaaaaseeeee love you
Good talk! 😊
I love you both❤
Hi thank you for making this video! This topic is important and should be talked more. I identify myself as queer - mostly attracted to girls but sometimes also certain men. I’m from China, and in Chinese lesbian community there’s a subtle disparagement on bisexual woman - they think you will eventually date men because that’s a lot easier in our society. In reality, it’s also true that many bisexual women end up being with men because they don’t have effort to fight with their homophobic parents anymore. They are in a dilemma - lesbian community don’t welcome them (because they are considered not “lesbian enough”) and straight community also exclude them. It’s really a shame that LGBTQ+ community cannot embrace diversity within itself. But I think in my example the lack of legal protection also plays a negative role. So this needs to be solved from lots of different aspects!
Hi guys. I’ve been a subscriber for a while, whilst trying to figure out my own sexuality. I am female, and have had romantic feelings to men and women in my life, but I have a question.
Does the relationship define the sexuality, or does the person? For example, if someone gay gets into a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, are they then bi or are they still gay? Im trying to ask i guess if my first relationship will define my sexuality, or i have to decide before then. Im mainly trying to decide between being bi or pan, and i need some help!
Finally I got my answer what I was looking for since years. I am queer ( perhaps bisexual- still figuring it out). I am romantically attracted to women and sexually attracted to men. And I know I love women. I am gay. But I was just confused, whether I am bisexual or queer enough? Now I am clear. Yes I am queer
I get that way as a trans person. When look at me are only accepting (and sometimes celebratory) of me because they''re seeing me as "a gender concomforming man". I was at the "Boston Pride for the People" parade (there's ongoing war of branding, trademarking, and which events City Hall endorses in the official Pride Month program). Some AMAB provocateur walking by all rainbows and maybe 40% femme drag walks by with their friends and says off the cuff to their friends that I was dressed in "straight core". I'm thinking "Dude, this top I'm wearing is boldly verging on exposing silicone inserts. Am I so cis passing that you see me as a woman? Then, thank you!". But I didn't want to make a scene and confront that person's passive aggressive put-downs.
Of out queer female celebs, I think that one of women that I look up to most is Sandy West (the drummer from the Runaways). Her, Sophie B. Hopkins, Maria Bello, famous ally Cindy Crawford.
Some physical spaced where I've felt the most acceptance and inclusion in the community of queer women is at concerts practically designed for that consumer demographic. When I was in high school, I think that "lezfest" could've been a great term. That first moment was last fall where Brandi Carlile was at the TD Garden with Brittany Howard as an opening act and Alison Russell as a special guest. The second time was during Fletcher's show at Boston Calling 2023. A large faction of the audience from the Aces show migrated across the grounds to be within viewing distance of Fletcher's set, while not wanting to be caught up in the crowd when trying to get seats for the Alanis Morrisette concert. That said, there were crowds of (largely Gen Z women) in the standing room only space, and groups of women just encamped on the hillside by the Ferris Wheel.
With how do ❤❤
Have had so many gold star lesbian g/fs ram this down my throat but really if you're confident & in touch with yourself it's easy to ignore. It used to bother me when I was younger. I find it really rude when ppl ask for my sexual history straight up & I tell them so
Also I'm super femme & look straight. I look like an imposter I guess. But I don't what a uniform
You have to have tough skin being a fem in these spaces. People will try to tell you who you are just by looking at you. It's close-minded & ridiculous. Everyone is allowed a personal style.
❤❤❤From Ukraine
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I identify as non-binary, aroace and lesbian. My 1st love has queer imposter syndrome and she never came out of the closet because her religious mother told her that she would disown her if she was a homosexual. We were addicted to pain pills and she use to hide pain pills in her closet
could you please do a video on Transgender Imposter Syndrome?
Hi i have question for you over lgbt .Can i be bisexual but not fancy another gender just only men and women and Their need be flag for just fancying both boys and girls no else
Mam Do you believe in Hindu religion that comes from India . Because Ganesh statue behind You
ÞE STRUGGLE IS REAL🏴☠
As for me, I came across lots of videos talking about how to dress more queer and I found it unnecessary. You can dress however you like and also be queer! All clothes are queer clothes
Couldn't agree more!
Well growing up 40 years ago the word Queer was an insult. It also included child molesters,etc. I wish people didn't use that word.
I agree. Queer is associated with being 'strange' and odd ..has too many negative connotations. We need a new word for it.
Assalam mualaikum wrwb
Sympa les roportage les filles vraiment très jolies ❤❤❤🎉
All these names and stuff screws with people's head. Lol I like who I like when I feel like it. I am me. Oh by the way, you two are honest. I don't care for the kiss butts.
Bs ❤
😎😃😊😜😍😘💖🌹
sounds like a break up
I need a girlfriend.
Well, 'Queer' doesn't really even have a definition and I think that's the point. I find it an utterly meaningless term when straight people who... like to hump stuffed animals call themselves 'queer' 😂I have a friend who is 100% heterosexual and calls herself pansexual for no reason other than to puff up a sense of identity stemming from internal insecurity. That's all any of this is. Insecurity and a grappling for identity in all the places it isn't.
Hello people, I don't understand the Queer identity crap, FIrst I was born a woman, I started transitioning at 19, been living and presenting as a man for a decade now, I married my long term Girlfriend that is mega gay, but tolerates my trans crap.. Its not perfect but we have no shortage of love. Us being gay does not effects our day to day life at all,, and not just because we present as a hetero couple, We just don't have anything to do with gay communities that are the source of all that dread. Presenting as a man does not make me one, official paper work has us as a lesbian couple, and that is still my reality, but If I was to walk into a Lesbian space I would not be welcomed, that's my fault and im not complaining,, My point is the world away from all those extremes of identity is more peaceful then being within them, just be woman, kiss, have sex in private, the world does not care, I walk in someplace with my wife looking like we do, we get treated fine, there are people that know our situation and are weird with it, but they still don't give a crap, mild curiosity. I have gotten far more mixed reactions from gay and trans community then ever I got from society.
Who cares. Everyone wants a label that puts you in a box. Why??? A big energy waster and ego massager.
As a Jesus follower it's always a conundrum with me. I become a chameleon depending on the company I'm with and as you would admit on your India trip there are times we reel ourselves in, yet I really embrace my recovery model of 'to thyne ownself be true.' To that end when any potential would tell me we'd have to stay in the closet, deal breaker, no go.
I have a daughter and have been in het marriages twice. To me, GENDER IS DEAD LAST in my list of what I require for anything from friendship on!! I don't mind being solo, quality to me is key as a senior. PS, great kissing is right up there with a big O, just my opinion. Best wishes on your new home search... did I hear Antwerp is good??!