David Jay | Asexuality
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- Опубліковано 12 сер 2015
- David Jay argues that asexual people, who make up 1% of our population, have the same desire for connection as everyone else. He asks how we can disentangle the struggle for connection from a culture of sexuality, and hopes that we might learn to talk about, celebrate and prioritize asexual relationships as much as we do sexual relationships.
Asexuality is the least researched sexuality and that's an issue. That's why most people say that it doesn't exist.
JM Cooper in a world that is facing overpopulation I don't think that asexuals and other lgbtqia+ people's existence can be considered a threat to the survival of humanity. Enough humans are reproducing we will be fine. Furthermore asexual people can and do have sex, often for the purpose of procreation. I think you are right that we need more education so that people can understand that instead of acting as if asexuality goes against the natural order or humanity.
Good, let humanity just die already. It's long over due, we are just parasites anyway.
BurningTirez yes
JM Cooper so is homosexuality.. so what’s your point?
Asexuality isn't really just another orientation, but it's not a lack of one, either. I'm asexual, but still straight. I find women attractive, but there's no lust or desire to pursue anything. It's pretty damn weird.
"Our struggle for connection is tangled up with a culture of sexuality"
I love ur profile pic, also long live asexuals
this explains it perfectly.
Talked about. Celebrated. Prioritized. These words get to me everytime
That quote screamed to my soul it's been my struggle since day one since high school since earliest experiences with women and relationships there was always this fucking pressure to run across the bases and here I was happy enjoying sitting on the bench not that interested in going up to bat chill man I'm just here for the vibes was my attitude lol
@@theonewiththename5867 Been there!
I tried telling my friend i was asexual and she told me i was looking for attention and lying. She says because iv had a romantic relationship i cant be asexual. This is why we need more education.
Imagine for example you was telling her that you was gay. Then she says well you can't be gay you slept with a guy!!! We all do things we think we should do until we realise what we want 😃
English
@The Antoinette marionette I think you've missed the point ! But thanks for your input 😆.
A lot of us have the sex out of obligation. Or fear of abandonment. Once you become completely independent.. you can better make decisions that will benefit you
You can still have romantic relationships and feelings without being sexually attracted to anyone or having sex (you can buy you don't have to) I wish more people understood that
I'm an aromantic asexual and I'm so glad that this dude made this community for me to relate to.
Team Cynda Hello fellow aroace! It’s always great to see that others of us exist. I’m really grateful to this guy too.
Same, and I think we're all grateful to David Jay. He made it possible to find each other and realize that we're all as "normal" as everyone else.
I swear, when I read this, I thought you had said "aromatic!" Lol! Missed that important little 'n' in there I suppose...😉
me too!
Aroace gang!
I am not asexual and as an outsider looking in and trying to understand, I finally am no longer confused. David Jay has successfully educated a cis straight person.
I couldn't help but think of DEH the Musical when I saw "outsider looking in". I'm so sorry TwT I'm obsessed w/ it
What's cis?
When someone says they're cis, it means they agree with what they were assigned at birth
Yay :)
Oh! I'm glad to hear that! Though he may not have talked about EVERYTHING in the community, this is a good baseline for learning more. I'm so happy this helped you understand our position though!
"i want you to think back to high school"
*ad plays*
thanks youtube, i do not want to think back to high school
I'm still in highschool :D
@@Astr0_Man same
Are you guys in the replies asexuals?
Alisha yup, i’m asexual and aromantic
@@Aethelhadas demisexual is close enough, but I still lean in more towards being ace than demi
If it werent for David Jay I would still be condemning myself thinking I was a freak.. oh yeah and lying to everyone about it
Same. I struggled everday for months until I found asexuality.
You just haven't met the right person yet.
@@maxdowney3717
And you don´t know what asexuality is.
Me too sister...
lambchopxoxo but you are abnormal and need to get back with God
I remember I was talking with this guy who was trying to sext me and I was trying to tell him that I really wasn’t interested. He asked if I was gay and I said no so, he felt very confused and sort of offended that I didn’t want to give him a handjob. I tried to explain that I was asexual and that I was simply not interested in the idea of sex and sexual contact and then he just started picking on me, saying I should see a doctor and that it wasn’t natural avoid sex. According to him, it was healthy to have regular sex and to not take part was pretty much going to kill me. Lol okay byeee
Having sex won't kill you and there's a tone of evidence that's it's beneficial to your body and mind. I found about Asexual today and I was confused about it. My girlfriend said there's a lot of Asexuals and I said not really I've never met a single one. We argued over this and it came down to the fact that there is Asexuals out there but compared to mass majority it's not that much. I'm glad it's coming out in the open. I don't support this movement based on the fact that there is bigger things to push forward in society than someone attracted to sex or not.
Carlos Auza Has
Unfortunately I feel like this is worse for girls than guys. I'm a guy and asexual and while I've been told that something is wrong with me, I should get help and all the usual stuff, I have never had anyone attempt to force themselves onto me to "cure" me and doubt that would happen to a guy.
This comment made me remember an incident that happened a few years ago when I still played Clash of Clans, lmao.
I had just formed a new clan, was on the global chat recruiting members. This guy joined and immediately tried to sext me. I was like, 'this is weird but he's pushing so much so I'll just go along with it, because I'm too nice.'
So a couple of cringey texts in, I noticed my battery percentage was at 2%. And I just sent him a message saying 'gtg, my phone's about to die.' and just immediately left. XDD (i honestly thought it was like some stupid role playing or something so I could leave whenever oh god)
He was so confused and left lmaoo
Let me get this straight: The guy sexting you and trying to pressure you into getting him off told you that there's something wrong with YOU??
And my opinion on unsolicited sexters plummets past what I thought was rock bottom.
I feel like this is about life and human connection...not just asexuality. It is so beautiful.
Agreed! Tho it does start w/ realizing that us ace's r there! And if ppl realize we exist and that we rn't "broken" then they'll realize many other things!
It is even better he explained it this way. Putting it this way might not only help aces (and aros), but also all the allosexuals and alloromantics who wish to have more good friendships and suffer from others never giving enough priority to those friendships.
*when youtube knows your sexuality to the point where they recommend an old videO*
Amen
😭😭😭 i didn't know I was asexual
@@vickym3428 why are you sad
@@tickle.wiggle because how could the UA-cam algorithm know about that before I did? Some years ago it recommended me videos about asexuals and it did again... I discovered I'm asexual some months ago but it makes sad and angry that the algorithm might know me better than I know myself... why didn't I notice that? I just thought I haven't met right person yet but it all makes sense now...
Tik tok knew I was gay before I did
Listening to this is like drinking clean water after crawling for days.
I just teared up a little at the part where he brought up the topic of those relationships being celebrated and prioritized. That just nailed it for me. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time, but couldn't quite phrase it. Would be wonderful if there were more asexual representation in the culture to support this alternative definition of a relationship. To show that in the end connection is what matters. The willingness to be together, to share a bond.
+Yuge Yun so true!
Yuge Yun The whole innate reason why we have a desire to be together (to form intimate relationships in the first place) is evolutions way of ensuring that we reproduce healthier offspring that we can care for together. Being asexual is a deficiency in the brain; we aren’t meant to not like sex. We are supposed to be geared to fuck, and that’s as simple as I can put it.
So gay people also have a deficiency in the brain. Again with this asexphobic bigotry.
Guaporense1 It’s not bigoted to say that asexuality is a evolutionary deficiency. Being gay actually has an evolutionary purpose.
cookieking1996
And what would that be?
When I fell in love with my husband, he was all I thought about. I loved hearing him talk, even if I had no idea what he was talking about. I wanted to be with him all the time. I was on cloud nine whenever he smiled at me. He felt like an adventure. Like a work of art. Like home. He was all I wanted.
I cried for three days straight when I broke up with him, believing I didn’t love him because I was not sexually attracted to him. Never mind that I had never been sexually attracted to anyone.
Now, after twelve years of being in a relationship with this man I love so much, I have still never been attracted to anyone. Ever.
Our sex-centered world had taught me that sexual attraction was integral to love. That is a huge, hideous lie.
I’ll be grateful forever that he refused to let me go without a fight.
To this day, the way the sun hits his dark hair bewitches me. I love him so much.
It's all fine and good that you have a soulmate, but it's not clear if your hubby is also asexual. If not, then he is making a great sacrfice just to be with you, it seems.
@@wylier being ace doesn’t equal no sexual activities
I love this comment. so glad to hear that you two found each other and are happy together
@@wylier that's such an awful thing to say. Asexual people shouldn't only be allowed to date other asexual people. We can find love outside our sexuality because sex isn't everything in a relationship. We can find others who have a low libido or just love us for who we are. Even as an asexual it's a spectrum and we can still want to have sex. It shouldn't be deemed a huge sacrifice and it's cruel to tell an asexual that loving them takes sacrifice
@@dreamthief9201 but you aren't telling us anything about your own relationship history or status. What you are saying is maybe true in theory, but what about actual practice ?
I'm so asexual, I didn't even think about what my sexual orientation was. I always changed subject when friends were talking about sex or getting boyfriends and girlfriends. I litterally didn't notice if people were hitting on me. It was a weird moment in my late 30s when I was watching Avengers and they said "we got a real Ace" and I got excited because I always thought ace meant cool, and my best friend cracked up laughing. So I asked her "what? Does ace mean something other than cool?" and she looked and me and said "You." There was this awkward pause then she said."You really don't know? Ace is short for Asexual." So I googled it and after some reading said "oh... that explains a lot...in fact that explains EVERYTHING."
That's a cool friend
Being calles ace means 3 different things to me. Ace= Perfect, =God, = Acesexual
Wait is there a confirmed asexual avenger? Who is it? How did I not notice this?
That sounds almost to good to be true.
This is exactly how I feel. (Except that I am only 21 and have found out about asexuality maybe two months ago.).
May I ask you, Vixey Teh, what your first steps of informing yourself were? Because I have no idea where to look at or what to search for. How you described your experience, is the most, I really don't know how to phrase this.
Of the descriptions and definitions I found, yours is the one, that most accurately describes how I feel about myself, by a longshot.
I am not even sure, wether you will ever read this, but I thank you for already having helped me out a lot.
i hate being asexual so god dam much i wish my mom had aborted me because clearly i came out defective.
Being asexual makes me feel so lonely honestly. Im not aromantic, so finding someone whos okay with being with you without the sexual aspect of the relationship feels like the hardest task in the world. I feel like me winning the lottery is more likely. I cry myself to sleep because the only future I see for myself is being alone after all my friends started families and have kids and simply dont have time for you anymore.
I'm asexual too. And why not two asexuals able to marry each other?
it's hard to find one that you have chemistry with, I assume@@shahfibre
5 decades asexual, three decades trying to explain it to others. I always said we start out asexual , all of us but some never leave.
I'm afraid tho that they'll think of you as a kid then.
I'm already too tired of being treated like a kid because of my face lol
@@lilydrimm6626 I am six foot seven inches tall so no one mistakes me for a kid. However I have no grey hair or any health issues so that's pretty good for 52. I love being mistaken for younger.
@@chargermopar Now that's very interesting. I`m 56 and I've always been mistaken as being at least 10yrs younger than my actual age and have always connected with people far younger than myself.
Oh-
That explains why I usually only have friends much younger than me-
I found explaining it to others have gotten much easier nowadays it’s actually pretty cool how more understanding people are
hes like the jesus of asexuality
That's it exactly XD
Jesace?
the hayley kiyoko of asexuallity
Asus
That might be a great title for my asexual movie. My main female character is named Jessica.
Too often the narrative is 'you'll meet the right person someday' and while that's *sometimes* true, it's rooted in this cultural idea that we've only just grown out of: that not wanting sex is morally preferable to wanting and enjoying it a lot.
A few decades ago it was normal, expected, that you'd hide your sexual desire behind layers of social shame and celibacy. Not until you've met the right person, not until you've dated for a certain amount of time, not until you're married and then you keep your sex life private and exclusive. Don't talk about it.
And asexual people were invisible because we followed that forced social expectation perfectly, it just meant that once we were in a relationship we suffered more, because we assumed everyone forced themselves to go through with something they hated. Just to be 'acceptable.'
But because we've made this recent shift into a more sexually visible society, sex positive, less heteronormative, more liberated, suddenly asexual people seem like the holdouts. We look like we're clinging to an outdated and unwanted social structure. Allosexuals look at us and think we're sex negative, we're prudish, we're trying to force society backwards.
And it's easy to see how they'd think that way, but in reality because we're suddenly allowed to talk about sex and sexual desire, the people who've never experienced it suddenly become visible.
In truth it is the wave of the future.
I relate to your comment So much.
Until now I never questioned my undying love for old-timey narratives, historic novels or fictinonal "conservative"(in regards to openness about sex) societies, when it makes perfect sense because that is my preferrerd world view!
I once knew an asexual person who was, in fact, 'sex-negative'. She would routinely denigrate sexual activity, and endlessly tub-thumbed for ''being celibate'. I easily defeated her in verbal rhetoric, though. Here is a sample of a conversation we once had. Her: "Sex doesn't mean anything any more!" Me: "But it means something to ME." Her: "Oh really? What?" Me: "Pleasure." Bizarrely enough, she had no further argument.
this beautifully summed up what ive been trying to articulate for years. i am sending this to my therapist as we speak. thank you
@@janeeyre157 But wouldn't a genuinely asexual person ALSO object to being 'pressured' into sleeping with someone? I dont think it was a question of 'holding out for mister right', with this person.
I really think asexuality is bigger than they say it is, people just don't come out with it immediately because we live in such a hypersexual society that people legit think something's wrong with you if you don't want or like sex.
The hetro-normative society we live in alienates anyone who isnt hetrosexual.
Exactly. 1% seems like it might be a little low, maybe it doesn't take into account Grahame or demisexuals etc. And then many people might not even know they are asexual, might not even know there's a name for their experiences. Or have never realised that sexual attraction is different to aesthetic attraction and romantic attraction, etc. Even with the information we have it can be difficult to separate out the different kinds of attraction from what you're feeling...falling in love with someone you might not even realise you're not sexually attracted to them 🤷.
I'm in my late 40s and only just a few years ago figured out that I was biromantic and demisexual (before that I had identified as bisexual because I found people pretty from different genders including my own, and I thought that's what sexual attraction meant 🤦). On top of that though, the more I learn, the more I'm sure my mum, who is in her 70s, is a sex-repulsed asexual: she & my dad were married 49 years until he passed away, she very clearly loved him with all her heart, but never once did she talk about attraction (not just to him but to anyone) and I know from things that were said and overheard when I was in my late teens & early 20s that she didn't like sex and only had it because she thought it was what she was supposed to do. I'm not out as demi/ace because there's no point really, and I don't think my mum even knows asexuality is a thing. And, well, I have to think that at her age: is there really any point in causing her turmoil on her identity when it doesn't seem to be an issue for her, and sinc she's made it clear she's no interest in ever being in a relationship with anyone again? 🤷 She can't be the only person for whom this is their story. Which is why I agree the 1% might be too low.
Interestingly, I have relatively rare and not commonly known about genetic condition that is supposed to effect
agreed. same how people say being queer is a fad. it's not, more people are coming out because... more people are coming out.. if that makes sense. some people just don't know their sexuality too. so studies kind of bother me when they say that not many people are queer or not many people "were" queer and how queer/homosexual is only a recent made up turn. also what i meant before is someone said they are so ace they didn't even know, because you don't think about your sexuality or bother to care if u lack interest in sexuality i guess. i bet the only times they thought of sexuality was when others brought it up.
yeah, and sexuality varies as we get older and it's different in different phases of life. You might be really sexual in your 20's and 30's and that's it for example. There are all kinds of factors and influences including health issues.
"Asexuality is just a phase!"
**shoves this into face**
I've had friends tell me its just a phase and that I will find the right person. Maybe because im younger and they think I just don't wanna date rn cuz of my age.
@@thereebstir9572 I get the same from my mother. Just ignore them, they'll grow up and educate themselves one day
@@pikachuisshook2795 Then I'd probably just tell them I'd rather take a celibacy vow. As a sex-repulsed aromantic that's probably the last thing I could possibly need, but at least no one would argue that celibacy is "just a phase". In fact many people praise it for what it really is, but tell them you're asexual and suddenly you're a freak that needs to be "fixed" 🙄
I can tell by the dead look in the audience eyes they aren't even engaging with his speech and it breaks my heart, because the point about relationships being talked about, celebrated and prioritised is so, SO big.
my thoughts exactly. sadly, i believe that mist of those people in the audience would go home and talk about how those "poor kids who think they are asexuals" must have been through some severe sexual trauma and should consult a professional, maybe take some medication 😔
god yeah same. i also disliked the commentator speaking of "members" as if were some club you can voluntarily join...
Same here!! Unbelievable, as someone who is gay, biromantic and demisexual literally watched about asexuality for the first time and I completely understand the depth and layers in what he was saying!
I literally cried out loudly when I watched this! I wish to educate people about asexuality in the Chinese world for the rest of my life if I could, this is so helpful for those asexual out there but do not know anything about it, I'm so thankful that I found this video thank you so so so much, it really mean a lot to me.
So happy for you.
That's what I would like to do too in my small country... Nobody knows about asexuality therefore they all think that I made that up because I haven't found anyone yet...
@@SowmyaN-ts8in yes indians need a lot of awareness about asexuality . I am asexual from India
from what i know isn't china (and probably india) struggling with "homosexuality"/being gay still. got a long way to go. it sucks and sometimes i just cant imagine how scary it may be. :(
Interestingly, I tried to type an email to someone in AVEN about asexuality the other evening... and spellcheck kept correcting it into two words (a sexuality). It accepts every other form of sexual orientation as one word, but rejects asexuality as a valid noun. Who do we talk to, to correct this?
Mary Sanchez mmm if say you use an Apple device, you would choose to email Apple Users Support. Meanwhile, you can add the word to your shortcut list, and or turn off autocorrect?
Mary Sanchez my spellcheck rejects my name because it’s spelled with a Z
xD
I think stuff like this has a personal dictionary now, you could try highlighting the word and looking through the options.
mine works lol, except my autocorrect will guess that the next word is "reproduction" as in the term "asexual reproduction"
use a hyphen
I told my mom I was getting ice cream with a new friend this weekend and she just nodded in acknowledgement and went back to texting on her phone. I re clarified and said it was a date with a boy, and she smiled so big and told me she was so proud and happy for me. I am greyromantic and asexual. I want to try dating for the first time so I asked someone out. Why are these two types of relationships seen as so different and one more desired than the other? Thank you so much for creating AVEN. It has truly made me feel less lonely and broken.
I'm sexually attracted to women, however I relate so much with what this man is saying about having a true connection with people, I completetly support the movement.
So it's that asexuality out demisexuality? Cause I'm getting confused about which is which
Asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction and demisexuality is only feeling that sexual attraction with an extremely close bond with that other person.
I thought I was the only one. So good to know I'm not. I'm also a germaphobe. The thought of another person's bodily fluids makes me ill. Kudos to this speaker.
Germs are the worst.
Tony Caban yessssssssss m2
Tony Caban germaphobia is not the cause of asexuality.But you have to try having sex at least once to find out if you're an asexual.
Same
Jeffrey Kaufmann
That's not true. Asexuality mean that you feel no sexual attraction to people. It doesn't mean you don't like sex, it just means you have no interest in it so having sex probably won't do anything. That's like saying that you need to have sex with someone of the opposite sex to know you're gay, and that you have to starve once to know you don't want to starve.
Sexuality is so ingrained in our culture, that if two characters form a relationship in any kind of media, people automatically assume it is a sexual, or at least a romantic relationship. While for me, and probably lot of other people on the asexual spectrum, there are more important things in a relationship than romance or sex. Even when I am OK with romance or sex, I need a person I can rely on, be loyal to, and understand on a deep level.
Those sound like good qualities for friendships, which are different from romantic / sexual relationships (albeit with some overlap).
Society treats romance and sex like leveling up. Friends are "taking it to the next level" when they become romantically involved. It's like the world has staked a claim on "commitment" as a term that can only describe allonormative couples.
And isn't marriage the most commited type of relationship the average person can experience? It's the basic bedrock of society, as the nucleus of the family unit - mother, father, and X number of children. What else can you compare it to? Think about it.
That why im scared to talk about my asexuality to my parents
You shouldn't be my parents accepted it very well if your parents love you they will accept you.
+Martina M being asexual doesn't mean you can't adopt kids or get artificially inseminated. and my parents love me enough so they don't care if I don't have kids they try to make my life as enjoyable as possible.
+Yukima-Hime All true. And if parents took the time to really understand their kids, they would see whether or not the child wanted a relationship or children of their own. Not telling the parents about their sexuality because they'll be upset isn't solving the problem, it's covering up a rift between them that's already been there for a long time.
Don’t be my parents accepted me I’m sure they will be okay with it😌
My parents find anything that’s not straight Wrong and Sinful if they’re Christian I suggest coming out when your not reliant on them for survival
I'm ace and I wouldn't trade the incredible connections, friendships and soulmate bonds I've made for anything. Love is so much more than sex. I'm sure sex can be incredibly beautiful. But I can love just as deeply without that. True love is pure and unconditional, whether it expresses itself in physical attraction or not.
Exactly, well said!
im ace and aro and i want to fucking kill myself.
Pure and unconditional love may be ideal, but is harder to achieve that it sounds. It means that you love everyone and everything equally - total strangers just as much as closest friends and family. Most people can express love, but in conditional ways - i.e. 'if we have enough in common, we can maybe be friends', or 'if I find you attractive enough, maybe I can view you as a potential mate'. Do you love terrorists? Serial killers? If the answer is 'gosh, no - I hate them!" then you dont have actual 'pure and unconditional love' in your heart.
I'm ace and it's ruined dating for me
@@soniczforever5470 how do you think i feel? im an ace and aro. my chances of being in a relationship are zero. i just hope they find a way to change aroace people because this honestly feels like a curse. but i cant let my orientation control me. some day il end up in a relationship. no matter what. there is someone out there who will accept that i will never love them or feel lust for them.
David Jay is my Super Hero, not all hero's wear capes some wear roller blades and a flag.
‘Superheroes’ cannot exist in a truly asexual society.
He's a hero, and I almost cry watching this.
@@paulziolo9241 luckily it’s not an only asexual community
@@sageleaf8962 : of course not. The greatest asexuals are NOT preoccupied with ‘identity’, ‘orientation’ or ‘community’. They get on with their serious work of catalysing and guiding cultures...
@@paulziolo9241 I was just wondering why I was struggling to figure out the difference between a platonic relationship and a romantic relationship, besides it’s not like I have time to spare or anything👍 and I totally can’t draw whilst learning about my community
As a bi-ro ace person I tend to crush on and fall in love with all of my friends since if we're close enough to be close friends, in my mind we're close enough to be dating since it's kind of the same thing to me. I want to kiss all my friends. And since sex is the last thing on my mind, it doesn't feel weird to me since kissing just feels like an extension of friendship whereas sexuals seem to tend to find kissing either sexual in and of itself, or a segway into sex.
The best way I've found of explaining how it's 'possible' to be asexual to sexuals... no matter what sexuality you are, straight, gay, bi, pan, whatever, there are going to be people you aren't attracted to. Straight guys do not want to bang other guys. It feels either gross, or off-putting, or just weird to think about to have sex with certain people. Even pans aren't attracted to literally every person in the world, they still have standards of attraction. Think about someone you aren't attracted to... now make that everyone. It isn't that we don't have libidos, and that we don't produce feel good hormones during sex- our bodies aren't broken. We just don't want to bang you.
That's that alterous/ambiguous attraction!!!! Same!!!
Me too!
but those straight guys should bang women who "still look like men" because it's transphobia not to
@@kaiyodei ???? I'm not talking about Trans people, where are you getting this from? People are just attracted to who they're attracted to and it's not transphobic to just not be attracted to someone. Never said straight men *had* to like anyone...
Watch some Blaire White, because it sounds like you have some personal stuff you need to get over. Not every lgbt+ person ignores science.
This reminds me of when I was asking my friends if they have experienced sexual attraction and to me it isn't a personal question since well I don't feel it but to my sexual friends, it was personal to them. That was one awkward moment
I’m asexual I’m open and out about it
But I got called bisexual which is irritating. It’s not the same thing 👀🗣
That’s interesting how long have you identified as asexual??
Qaushanee Riley What do you mean it’s not the same thing? They are literally polar opposites.
@@gordonramsay6286 nah I would say that's pansexual and asexual. But ik wut u mean
How does ones mistake those 2? "A" as in none or no and "bi" as in 2(like bicycle)
Yeah people often ask me if asexual is when you're attracted to everyone when they're like total opposites.
Acing on the cake
More like ACEing on the cake
Yes
Fangirl Fanatic
More like the ACEing on the CAKE!
Cake 😍 I’m talking about the real cake
This is so, so, so interesting. As an aromantic asexual who's just gotten comfortable with my identity for a little more than a year, I have been thinking about this a lot. And I've been thinking that if people took more time to research and collect data on asexuality and aromanticism, we'd not only help aromantic/asexual people struggling to come to terms with their own orientations, but it would also help the community of people who study sociology, psychologists, those who look into human relationships, and everyone else too. I really do think there should be more academic studies, statistics, that asexual and aromantic people should be heard about their experiences, and that they should be collected, compared and studied. I really think it would do so much good to everyone.
Except that I read a study from Lori Brotto (she's a doctor). That most of the people who are asexual don't have interest in going to see a professional. Not to mention, not having complete access to affordable health care is a problem in the USA and mental health is not always included. So this makes the research harder. I will admit the only thing I wish for asexuality is the research. Why is there a lack of sexual desire and attraction? Would you want to fix it or not? I think there are more gay people then asexual because the gays some of them have not been identified yet.
Same. It would make us more public as a (non)sexuality too. There might be less gatekeeping and maybe even slightly less "But EVERYONE wants SEX!?!!"
@@jacobsoto7228 I know this comment is very old, but to reply:
Asexuality is an orientation, just like being gay or straight. It cannot be changed by health or environmental factors (although someone could think they're asexual due to health reasons). Most asexual people would not want to change themselves, except maybe so that they can fit in and be accepted. However, trying to change asexuality will not work and can cause mental illness. As far as I know, the study in the video is one of the only ones.
I used to feel like a weirdo when I didn't know not having sexual attraction to anyone was a thing. I was mostly ashamed when my family told me I had no feelings and I was this cold person bc I was not dating. Until I did my research to see who I really was later in life. So yes, asexuality should be talk more often.
It's SOOO lonely. I've pretty much given up on relationships.
Captain Franco please don’t. Don’t give up. I’m sure there are people out there that would love to be in a relationship with you and you with them.
Even sextual people struggle with loneliness in dating culture. Don't give up, and don't give up on building friendships.
I gave up on relationships when I first saw someone kissing another person. I see couples everywhere at school, basically eating each other's faces out . . . Bleh XP
Edit: the only relationship I'll be in is a friendship/family relationship. Platonic love
Same because their are so few of us and it’s so hard to explain to people who don’t understand.
Same. Everyone i have been with have tried to change me and it made me so uncomfortable. I feel like no one will ever love me.
thank you, i am not alone
+PissedOffRedneck1 We are not alone.
+Victor José Luis Valencia Ambriz heck yeah
I have always been asexual, but for the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt different, I felt disgusted by nudity and even just kissing (not morally disgusted, just kinda grossed out.) The amount of relief I felt after realizing there were millions just like me, I can’t even put it into words. I finally feel validated, and like I’m not crazy. I’m afraid I’ll never find someone who is also asexual, as I am sex-repulsed (compromise is off the table). I’m just happy that I’m not alone, and I finally feel like it isn’t my fault that I feel this way. I hope people will continue to do research into asexuality, as I am living proof it is not a myth.
I have and continue to feel the same
He's a great public speaker
+cbrstunter24 Yes he is, but he has a problem with his "r"s
+cbrstunter24 yes he is!
This man is like a lighthouse.
So many asexuals who were lost and in danger of "crashing" and breaking down. But he gave us a light so we could find who we are and how we feel. If it wasn't for him we'd all still likely be screwed.
God bless this man.
You do realize he doesn't have any real education to even back up anything he says right? Literally, he only thought about it one day and used a word that had nothing to do with what he felt and now, since that helped you, it's better to see a psychiatrist than if he has studies
When someone told me that flirting “always had to be sexual in nature in some way” I felt like crying. I never realised that was what flirting *was.* I always thought it was more innocent than that, like people trying to get into a romantic relationship 😭
I'm just now realizing that as well. I guess I'm kinda flirty, although usually in a mean way lol. Maybe I should rethink that.
same...I thought it was a way of expressing liking and appreciation for someone, and guys always viewed me as kinda naive or easily fooled when I was anything but. I just thought flirting was a way of expressing my appreciation of them and their intrinsic attractiveness and personality.
same :(
Great video. Has he been on TED yet? He should.
I'm mostly asexual (gray, I guess) and introvert and I really enjoy having deep connections, talking about books, ideas, concepts and not everyday rubbish smalltalk about politics or economics or weather. But I'm also romantic and cuddling is ok for me, too. And of course, love - making the other person feel good and feeling myself great when I could make my partner feel good.
Whoa dude I’m the exact same. Except I’m aromantic (no romantic attraction) but Platonic/friendships are my thing.
Once when I told someone I was asexual, they said "wait, does that mean you don't feel love?" I corrected them, and told them that just because I don't feel sexually/romantically attracted to anyone, doesn't mean that I don't love people. Love isn't just sexual or romantic. I love my friends, my family. For a second I felt like I was missing out. But then I remembered that asexuality isn't an absence of love, it's an absence of attraction.
is aplatonic a real thing?
I think people forget that no you're not going to be lonely and never feel love because you don't date. Platonic love and famial love are still love, and if you surround yourself with family and friends you aren't lonely. People don't need romantoc relationships to feel love or not to ne lonely.
Maybe there is attraction, but not desire.
A more uncommon thing that some aces suffer from is touch aversion, when somebody touches you when you're not prepared for it and your skin just crawls. The best thing I can compare it to for people who haven't experienced it is when you notice a really big, nasty bug crawling down your arm, or when you accidentally touch something like rotten food. Your entire body just nopes out.
I've had people dismiss me before or assume that I'm autistic or traumatized because they think that it's an autism or trauma exclusive thing. Or just touch me regardless. There are a surprising amount of people who will just touch their coworkers/classmates or even complete strangers without asking first.
i need to learn to like being touched. otherwise it's like being a wild animal who was caught and manhandled, or think "oh it's so cute i need to hug it like a puppy"
I’m asexual but I love touch. I want to hug and hold people’s hands- and kiss people on the cheek, or be kissed.
I've seen David vilified at a Pride parade by a gay man who was aggresive and said he felt "sorry for his soul" and that he "didn't agree with what he was doing". Straight people used to say that about gay people! What a horrid individual! David is courageous and a great orator. Would love to see him on a panel with Germaine Greer!
Unfortunately aphobia can be found in every community, even the lgbtq ones
@@l_2745 True, and completely unnecessary.
I think it's once again also important to realise sexuality is such a fluid spectrum. like I rarely experience sexual attraction, which van be confusing. yet I still have that sometimes I can be attracted (be it mostly romantically) to both genders. but... I am pretty close to asexuality as far as I know right now. maybe it's demisexuality, that's something to gigure out yet, it is fluid and different for every person, that's for sure.
+Apple Julia Indeed. I have moments where I find women more attractive than other times and the idea of physical intimacy doesn't interest me or seem worthwhile. I think I'm in a grey area between sexual and asexual.
+Star Platinum well.. why not. It simply means I'm not assexual as far as I know. but I'm still confuses because I rarely ever experience sexual attraction, so I'm still not sure. that's why I say I'm close to that.
+Star Platinum there are even people in relationships having sex as a physical experience, who are still asexual because they have no sexual attraction. but more like aesthetical attraction when they look at a goodlooking person. which is ofcourse entirely different from someone who is repulsed by sex and aromantic as well. this is what I at least learned about how big the variety is.
+Star Platinum maybe it's greysexuality then where I'm in th wrong
If sexuality is a spectrum, then so is gender
Fabulous talk! Also sheds a lot of light on why close friendships ( between men / women or any other combination) get so confusing and take on sexual undertones. I hope we can continue to un-velcro intimate connection from sexual connection! The expression of our human relationships is so varied and full of possibility, it's a shame that we limit ourselves by trying to fit that abundance of rich experience into a very small and inadequate vocabulary. Thank you, David.
I think it's commonly understand that not all relationships are 'sexual'. Same-sex friendships dont normally involve the two of them going to bed, for example. If they DID sleep together, they would be gay lovers.
someone said something negative to me about my asexuality, and I've really been spiraling. this definitely helped me to feel better, knowing there are others like me
cake
oh plz share your cake... I want cake
Yes!! lol
Mordecai Carmel
Feed me caaaaaaaake
WOAH ^~.
Gotta get me some cake
I'm aromantic and your speach about estabilishing relationship with your friend made me cry, because I feel like I'm not important for anyone because you don't usually estabilish that you are in a non romantic relationship. So I feel like I'm in a relationship with a few people but they have no idea about it.
I definitely relate to this. Our world is way over sexualised nowadays and there must be so many people out there who just aren't into sex, they long for a deep connection... If that's what asexuality is then I guess that's me. That's why I've been an outcast most of my life. I consider myself a spiritual person, that's more important to me.
we are humans that is what we are, just like dolphins and bonobo. we're suppposed to be sexual and talk with sex as well
@@kaiyodei "supposed to"? Really? You do realize your comment is invalidating people like Rachel Anastasia and me, right? Is more harmful than you think. No one is supposed to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Being human also means believing in freedom, making our own choices and understanding each other.
Finally!!! Someone who can put into words what we feel, quite an eloquent speaker. We are not broken, not alone. We are important and we exist!
David Jay is excellent at describing this! I almost got teary-eyed. I applaud him for what he's done and invested in the asexual community!
David Jay is such a cute, awesome guy and what I've heard of his relationship with his wife is amazing. He's kind of my role model.
Patrick McCarthy Asexual people may not be aromantic - you can have a romantic relationship without sex!
Well I'm still the only asecual I know sooooo I guess I'm screwed... And I don't wanna be screwed...
Also can we talk about the fact that my phone auto corrects "asexual" to "sexual"? Even my phone hates that I exist. Cool.
Hello I am another asexual, my name is Symon! How's things? Its nice to meet you.
Sad reality xDD I've probably been asexual all my life but I just barely figured out there was an actual word for how I feel T.T and every single time I say I'm not really interested in anyone "intimately" they look at me like I'm crazy x.x
@@snekysymon8019 also an asexual kpop fan yusss me too ~ xD
Greetings! Also a fellow asexual who hasn’t met another one before. There are community meet ups if you know where look (especially in larger cities) but you still gotta be willing to put yourself out there - tbh I haven’t worked up the gumption to go to one yet.
It’s hard in the beginning. It took me nearly 2 yrs of looking into asexuality to accept I was Ace. And another 2yrs to actually embrace it. It’s hard to shake off the internal phobia, hopelessness and feeling like you’re broken. I find it helps to watch pro-Ace videos and discuss the topic in safe spaces. Also wearing the black Ace ring helps too, just the idea that others are wearing it for the same reason can be comforting. Good luck!
Guys . We are at LEAST .
3K .
Search a bit .
I had a super-sexual friend who A. complete dint understand me, B. 'liked' me, and C. refused to leave me the hell alone until I told him never talk to me again. I understand what I said was mean- but I was so very done with how he treated me.
Chloee Inkling same
Bro! I had this girl I sat next too in class and she kept on tryna come on to me. I told her I was ace and wasnt into having sex and she still tried. She said she had a crush on me and i was like 'but we barely even talk??? Just met each other??? I only hang w/ u bc my other toxic friends left me??? Huh???' Eventually we moved seats and I was grateful, she soon moved(idk if she moved out of state or not) and I was super glad. She kept on showing me sex gifs in class. . .
Jakku Chan She persisted and made you feel uncomfortable, that is sexual harassment.
You weren't mean for telling him to get away, sure it might have hurt his feelings but he was harrassing you. You did what was right.
I had a boyfriend like that :/
This is one of the best talks I've ever heard. And the audience glances around nervously. Yawns.
But this _was_ in 2015... Still hurts.
I want to shake this man’s hand and thank him sincerely. I have only just started the journey of exploring my asexual identity, but his resources have been an incredible help and comfort. Thank you, David Jay. You’ve helped me so much.
If it wasn't for his website, I wouldn't have figured out my identity. I realized I am not ace as I went on in life, but it was that journey of self reflection, community reinforcement, and body-positivity that made me finally figure out what I liked, what I didn't like, and I like everyone am still going on that journey. This man has done a lot for the hundreds of thousands of people who felt broken and afraid. Seriously, thank you. Thank you for helping me and thank you for helping all the asexuals out there who felt/feel like throw aways. You built a place we can all be loved and respected (sexual or asexual) and that's amazing. Thank you.
Yes yes yesss, I understand everything he says and can relate to almost everything. I've always felt like I gave friendship much more importance than other people, and I didn't understand why the rest of the people didn't think like me. Now it all makes sense, people just have different ways of facing relationships. This has cleared my mind so much. I couldn't be any more grateful to this man.
Same, and I might have cried a little
Sex has very little if anything to do with connecting with someone or falling in love. You can really love and care about someone without sex; sometimes sex complicates things. (I'm not asexual, but I'm older and my boyfriend and I are not sexually active anymore and have no desire to be. Although down the road, we may have sex again...who knows?) We are best friends, companions and love one another very much. I'm not sure if it's low hormones or just how our relationship has evolved, but we're very close and happy. It makes our time together easier because we don't feel pressured to be sexually intimate. We are physically attracted to one another and have a lot of amazing and comfortable physical contact. I'm not sure if I know exactly how true asexuals feel, but I truly understand and accept why people who are feel the way they feel. Love is love, no matter who it's directed towards or how it's shown. 🙂
I thought I was just too shy to do it, but turns out I'm a heteromantic asexual lmao.
so... I wanna get in on this study of friendship. after all... friendship is magic.
no seriously, I agree with this guy, we need to study more on realationships.
Asexual aromantic here!
🖤♾✅💜
👘💚💛✅🖤
whoop whoop
right here too
We here and we vibing
What a beautiful and wonderful person. I'm so happy he's helped our community. And, yes his organization made me realize I wasn't broken and I felt validated and connected again. :)
Ello, aroace person here! Spent the first like fifteen/sixteen years of my life thinking I was just very dumb and had some kind of brain problem because I never felt attraction and just faked it for so so long and it was such a relief to know this was a thing
I identify as aromantic asexual, and this is one of the best breakdowns I've ever seen.
That was an amazing, thought provoking speech. As an asexual person who still feels a bit lost, this certainly gave me a sense of direction towards inner peace. Thank you!
I'm aromantic asexual and have no desire for connection with other people. I'm late 50's and have been so all my life. I'd happily live alone and enjoy my own company. However I do make a huge effort to make and keep friends because I believe it's important to not be completely alone in life but I could happily survive without any friends at all. I don't get lonely or bored. I don't want to die and not be found for several years. I'm not on the spectrum and hold down a full time job. I think I am on the most extreme end of asexuality. I can't spend a lot of time with people so i tend to limit time with friends to a half day every week or so. Most people have families, kids etc so that works quite well for all concerned.
white lady Morgan I feel you. I kind of like the thought of living with someone in the same house, not speaking very much and being alone in one's space for most of the time. What do you think about that?
Wow the future me lol
@@pmakiie262 Its not for me, I like living alone. Bleive it or not I've been married twice. N surprise it didn't end well haha but I wanted kids. They are all grown up now.
This is a great, simple way of explaining Asexuality. I can send this video to my friends whenever they have questions I don't explain very well. I try to tell others a bond can be formed without any sexual desire, and it really goes over most people's heads.
I have been married for 17 yrs to a woman who just recently told me she is heteroromantic asexual. I had not even heard of this until she brought it to me. As a sexual sic male (Allo), our marriage has been very hard. I just could not figure out why she was not interested in me the same that I was interested in her. Now that I know, everything makes sense. I am having to redefine how I measure the health of our relationship and understand love expression. I am trying to just learn and understand because we have been speaking different love languages this entire time, that is why we have not understood each other.
Im so Glad for you man
WE ARE THE 1%! :)
we totally are :'D
What about we asexuals get with each other so that we don't have to have sex ever and also be with someone
I literally never knew asexuality was a thing until about 4 yrs ago. I would sit up at night thinking about wtf was wrong with me until I stumbled across the term online. This talk is so great
This isn't a speech about asexuality, it's a speech about friendships with the mention of asexuality. And I'm pretty sure because of his lack of clarity many people will think asexuals are only into platonic relationships/ confuse it for aromantic (which is already common).
They talk about romantic and aromantic asexuals at the end.
^
It's nice to hear someone talking about asexuality and it isn't just them giving the definition
As someone who’s not aromatic, but pretty sure I’m asexual, I make a point of prioritising my friendships over guys. There’s just something so much more fulfilling about true loyalty and genuine connection than the *possibility* of getting into a romantic relationship. The frustrating thing is when friends sometimes disappear and don’t prioritise you :/
reflecting the distinctions & definitions of "sexuality" & "romanticism" are important
About three years ago I found out about asexuality, and for me it immediately clicked. Before this I explored a couple of other identities, but these labels never seemed to fit entirely. It took me two years of trying on different labels to find the right one, and I think it's such a shame that this much time had passed until I found out about it. The lack of ace representation in the media feels disempowering to us! This applies to aces who get misunderstood by their peers, as well as aces who are yet to identify with the sexuality and feel like they’re lacking something. I feel uplifted by the fact that awareness about asexuality is being spread, and that more research is being done! It makes me feel visible and validated. I have experienced a few occasions where asexuality was mentioned, and this reassured me that there are people out there that do know about it. I’m so glad that there are speeches and documentaries with the intention to educate even more people on the topic! Truly, I hope asexuality will become a more commonly talked about sexuality. When I say this, I feel like I speak for the majority of the ace community. I am thankful to everybody taking the time to read my comment, and I hope some of you feel the same way. Have a spectacular day!
I haven't even technically come out to either of many parents but I'm scared as hell. I mean, I've told then that I don't feel sexual attracting to people and that I don't want kids, but I've never come out and said I'm asexual. However, my dad has said its just a phase and that I'll get over it. My mom doesn't understand asexuality but she supports it. I think. My friends know though.
Kaitlyn Sutcliffe i told it all of my friends and family. but they don't understand asexually very well. they are saying "This is temporary, i know you will find a man who you will marry with"
Hilal Kaleli I came out too my dad last month. I really don't think he supports it - but I can't tell because he's been avoiding the topic. my mom is fine with it however, so that's good.
What about your friends? Are they thinking like my friends?
I think asexually is a kind of gift for us. Others bad at to understand asexual people. But we can do lots of things. Because we don't spend time for sexual activity
Hilal Kaleli My friends are very supportive. One of them is also asexual in fact.
If I ever became a sex ed teacher, I'd teach about asexuality in recurring lessons.
David Jay made his website 1 month before I found it. I've been with him ever since...thank you sir!
Its feel good to have a community like this i am also asexual but i want a relationship with a girl but no sex whatsoever
Right on. A parallel frustration for me is the existence on the back seat of the bus for single people. At family gatherings and parties/social events I am basically invisible. If I'm not into a relationship and marriage and babies and all that I am quietly ostracized. Usually I just quietly leave. I don't really even want to be around a society that shoves me away. So be it.
What an amazing person. I just want to point out how important what he's done for our community is.
I'm overjoyed ! I think I saw this video a couple of years ago when I just started hearing about asexuality but couldn't relate much. And now that I'm back watching it, there are so many points that I can relate to ! I didn't think this speech would bring so many answers to my worries, but it did and I am elated
I am asexual and the fact is I never connected well to anyone. I tried to explain and suddenly I got called worse than Hitler because I said it and I am better off dead.
My fiance was so sad that I started to disengage and REFUSED to ever talk about it. I told people that being Asexual is not wrong, then being told I am bisexual when I suddenly said, "i am looking for a connection in communication."
Ive told my parents that i like the idea of being with people... but i feel uncomfortable beyond belief with sex. For the longest time i couldnt even say the word out loud without spelling it or hinting to it when the topic came up.
I tried to explain it to my parents... however my mom is still believes that over time it will change and ill find someone.. that i wont know until i try.
But my issue is that i cant try. I get so much anxiety from the idea of doing that. It grosses me out.
I’m so glad I found this. I came our as asexual to my mom and grandmother but they can’t quite get a grasp on it. This video was very good at explaining things. I might show this to them.
Really fascinating. We put soooo much emphasis on sex and sexuality it can really make some people feel left out. Not just asexuals but older people or people who are sexual but can't attract a mate for whatever reason. So nice to be more inclusive in explaining everyone is actually the same in that we all want connection, we all want love. Sex is just a small part of it for some of us. Brilliant speech.
God, he pretty much voice everything I've ever thought about in such an articulate way.
When he spoke about his relationship with his friend was the light that shone on me. I immediately identified with what has been happening. It lifted the guilt I have been having for a good 20 years of my life.
it's so good to see videos like this, I always feel so emotional with these kinds of videos and this one especially makes me emotional because I know that this is around the birth of my community. I get seriously so happy just seeing stuff related to asexuality and being seen and recognized.
As someone in the middle of the ace spectrum, I can absolutely understand the need for connections and that even the closest, strongest connections you make with people don't have to be sexual. I'll take an engaging, meaningful chat with a good friend over sex any day.
I do not share his views, although as a former sociolgy student I agree all types of relationships should be reserched.
As an asexual, though, thanks to his rant I realized that that emptiness in my soul right now isn't the sign of me not being in a romantic relationship, it is my heart dying for a any type of connection right now. I really miss those long talks I used to have with my friends, but now we all live in different cities, they have relationships, and I thought "Well, maybe I need a romantic relationship not to feel alone." Duh, no. I can't even form one. I just need new friends here, and talk to old friends more.
:p man I always thought there was something off about me. I was always interested in a relationship but never sexual and that led to many problems as I was more of a loyal person than others. And I always cared for who people really were and everyone approached me because I was sexually appealing to them and it always put me in depression as I started to question myself whether people really like for who I am or is it just my body? I've been single for so long now. It also brought to my attention that people don't really love because most of them are attracted to lust and it just opend my eyes that I've been living such a blindfolded life.
I cried so much watching this. The “broken” thing honestly hits home
I'm only just now finding this and the sheer EUPHORIA of realizing that not only was this put into words, but it was put into words 7 YEARS AGO (8?) and I'm SO HAPPY to have found this.
I'm apothi aroace - sex and romantic repulsed - and while I have friends who accept me, finding other asexual people always makes me so happy, but even then a lot of them still follow the concept described in the section talking about high school. I've been trying to put this into words for SO LONG
This is so incredibly important
I think i'm asexual and the thing that makes me feel the most alenated is how important sex is to other people compared to other things in life. Someone once told me that the most important thing in a relationship is the sex. And i think that that is true for many people. Lots of people are in really bad relationships, they stay for the sex and only ralise how fucked up it was after they don't have sex anymore. I tried having sex, to see what it's all about and all of my partners felt much more attached to me afterwards. But i felt the same.