How I realised I’m asexual (detailed description)
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- Опубліковано 25 тра 2023
- In this video I describe my asexual identity and what it means for me. I talk about my feelings, emotions, attractions and desires.
It can be tough talking about this because (as with many asexual people) I’m always second guessing myself.
I hope that this will help to validate and mirror those of us who are on the spectrum somewhere like me.
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May I propose "semi-bisexual" as a label for the fusion of bisexuality and asexuality?
@@theSupercasa omg I’m in love with this. Can I steal it?
I completely relate to you! Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel less weird and alone in my journey.
We are all alone in this world, though we are surrounded by 8 billion people. Embrace yourself, as fundamentally you are all you need. Then make connections on your terms. Thank you for sharing.
You are so welcome!
I relate a lot to this, I have found my sexuality so confusing. Like having interest in someone which would vanish the moment they wanted more then cuddling, thinking that made me gay but that wasn’t completely it. Your vids have been super helpful.
Hey thanks so much for saying. I totally get what you’re saying.
Hey! I'm 35 and completely relate so so much. I have no sexual desire and never have. I found questions around teenage crushes etc really awkward and still don't find people physically attractive. Growing up I thought I was strange, even now I do.
I feel like we are similar with regards to connexting with people, I get you.
Hey thanks so much for relating. People will read this and feel less alone.
Some of this resonates with me. I'm a bit older than you are and still coming to terms with what this means for me. I have felt sexual attraction but I think it's more a question of intensity for me. It's rarely the most important part for me. It's not libido because I enjoy the act. It's fun, enjoyable but it's rarely connected for me to feeling sexual attraction towards a specific person. Romantic and aesthetic attraction are far more palpable for me. But still not connected to a specific desire. It's very hard to express because we're talking about an internal process.
Followed your channel for awhile. I consider myself on the bi spectrum as well but more often attracted to men (same sex) but as you mention it seems to fluctuate. Anyway it was interesting seeing this video because of also having common ground with being on ace spectrum.
Hey thanks so much for sharing. And we’re both called Mark. Omg are we twins?! 😋 love that we can connect and relate. You’re so welcome and a beloved member of our community here. Thanks for taking the time to write.
I’m amazed. I’ve never heard of a person who experiences sexuality so similarly to me. Thank you, I feel a bit less alone 🫶🏼
This is why I do it. Thank you so much for saying. You are so valid.
i think earlier in my life i would have qualified as fraysexual - i had a healthy sexual appetite early in relationships but the longer it went on, the more that died down. now i'm in my 40s and i feel solidly gray ace. there are certain things i find attractive, but i have zero interest in sexual contact with anyone. i can still enjoy porn and masturbation, but i don't want to actively participate in sexual encounters.
Highly recommend the book “ACE” by Angela Chen! Part reportage, part memoir, & part cultural criticism it’s truly a great resource for anyone seeking to understand the spectrum of sexual attraction itself 💜
Hey thanks so much. Love this.
thank you for opening yourself and sharing your experiences… I have feelings very similar to what you describe and it helps me understand myself more and feel a little less alone and a little less broken 🙏🏻
You are so welcome. You are not broken.
Incredible opening up in front of the entire world. Great example for a patient seeing a therapist. Self-acceptance and self-introspection. Sending love your way, I'm glad I found your channel and that you do what you do.
Hey thank you so much.m for these kind words.
I'm pan and u really helped me understand myself better though your videos. To help find what fits more for me. So thank you so much 😊🫡🙌
You are so welcome! I’m so glad.
It’s so interesting to relate to this on some level because initially when I begun to investigate my sexuality, being asexual popped up for me. I’m still so green, as I came to understand my bisexuality quite recently but this is video is really speaking to me, the more you just went on in the video the more I related, down to the ptsd(cptsd), ocd. Insightful. Sending you love ❤
I'm 21 and bisexual and ace! I love that I am apart of this amazing community! Thanks so much for bringing light to this topic!
Thank you! You're not alone. I'm a grey-ace bisexual too.
Hum ... I don't know where to start ...
1) Thank you for sharing how you came to term with your asexuality ! You're the first person who taught me, that for some of us sexuality can be a very complex and nuanced thing.
2) I've been out as a bi+ woman for almost for almost 4 years ... I use bi/pan/queer interchangeably, all I know is that I'm attracted to people regardless of gender.
3) I think I'm demisexual (just writing that label for myself makes me incredibly happy). For the longest time, I thought I was VERY picky about my attractions ... That it was weird to experience sexual desires without actually knowing the person or sharing an emotional bond or intimacy ... That people falling for each other at first sight were either lying or very lucky ... That everyone has actually fallen mostly for their friends and not strangers ... That people don't actually experience sexual attraction over celebrities just their characters ... That everyone has physical attraction that quickly fade away without emotional connection (or actually feel an intense emptiness after having sex (or kissing or cuddling) without an emotional connection).
I just thought I was a VERY emotional person, with picky physical attractions to people regardless of gender.
OR I needed to numb my 'complicated' and 'picky' attractions to people, with alcohol to be 'more loose' and thus 'normal'.
4) And all of that it's thanks to one of your IG post, I commented not a longtime ago and someone responded with the fact that I might be demisexual, and it opened a door to a lot of questionning about my sexuality ... So, like you, I'm part of the aspec and mspec (and probably arospec but that's another story).
So thank you for being part of my journey 😊😊
I find you genuine and sincere. The only time sexuality or lack thereof matters is when you are attracted to someone or they are attracted to you. That being said, sometimes asexual feeling are a nutrient deficiency. This is not a judgment but should be checked for as deficiencies can grow into major problems. Good luck on your journey!
Thanks for sharing this. Low libido can be due to nutrient deficiencies. Asexuality is slightly different to this but yes healthy diet is always something to consider for us all.
Your journey to understand yourself is inspiring ❤
Hey thank you
Even though I'm not someone who identifies anywhere on the ace spectrum myself, I can understand what you referred to in the beginning of the video because that does happen to me personally but I don't see that as meaning that I am on the ace spectrum. I just personally view it as a single part of how the fluidity of bisexuality can possibly work. I do have days when I'm mostly attracted to women, days when I'm mostly attracted to men, days when I'm mostly attracted to non-binary people and days when attraction really isn't the focal point in my mind. However, as I said already, I just see that as a part of bisexuality for me personally, not asexuality. However, I can see why you see it that way for yourself. I just know that bisexuality is such a fluid sexuality that these things are something that I feel are bound to happen when you're bi+. I'm solidly more attracted to women, meaning that's what I feel most of the time. However, I do know that something like that has the potential to ebb and flow considering my sexuality identity. Of course, everybody's different. I've felt a stronger attraction to women for years now but before that, my attraction was equal between all genders. Sometimes after it changes, it stays that way for a while, then changes again. Sometimes, it may become a more possibly permanent change. It all depends on each individual's situation. Thank you for sharing as always Mark.
Hey thank you so much as always for your thoughtful, personal and inspiring comment. I love this so much that we can share our unique experiences. I totally get what you’re saying and it’s so valid. We all identify however feels right to us in our own selves. You are amazing and I’m so proud to have you as part of our @notdefining community. Hoping things are going good for you and I’m sending so much love. Mark x
Thank you for sharing this. I think I'm on the ace spectrum, I just don't know where I fall. I like physical touch but I could never bring myself to have s*x when it's offered even if I picture myself having s*x with that person or I've been in a relationship with them. I also only had experiences with guys so I'm not sure if I'm the same way with girls.
I’m a trans female who’s ace and androsexual/straight and my sexuality has never not confused me.
This was insanely helpful - thank you. I would really like to ask what you think the realistic chances of long-term success are for a relationship between a hardline asexual male (probably bi curios /fluid) and a very sanguine high - libido Demi sexual /heterosexual female. That is, When the two partners are otherwise very compatible and bound by some traits and qualities that are very unique to the both of them…But who may also be quite diverse to each other vis a vis intellectual interests and levels, lifestyle habits etc - and while still sharing enough common ground to keep the romantic spark of attraction ignited.
Is such a union automatically doomed to failure in the context of sexual intimacy and fulfilment, when one considers their diametrically opposed sexual profiles? And how can the inevitable frustration, disappointment, anger, shame and resentment wrought by the constant push-pull-pressure on each partner to assume a turn -taking role in compromising on their own needs and prioritising those of their lover ( & thus routinely foregoing their own personal satisfaction. ) Given the respective urgency and value inherently placed on sexual intimacy by each partner would not the female in this situation find it so much more difficult to reconcile this in a satisfactory way? If sex is an essential component of your language of love can there be love without it, for that person , even if they can rationalise and mitigate their partners diversity at an intellectual level? In your experience Can such a relationship ever be resolved in a way that genuinely addresses the holistic wellbeing of both partners , equally - and if so ,how so? Any practical suggestions / words of advice??? ( that do not revolve around talking through stuff etc …since male partner is also a ‘word economist’ and exercises the right to practice selective mutism whenever uncomfortable topics /sexual conversations arise…)’
Hey thanks for the question. My answer would be yes of course it can work. I think all relationships should start with a simple question - do I enjoy being with this person? If the answer is yes then you have something to go on. Then you just build ontop of that. If one person wants sex or other intimacy that the other can’t give then they can consider fulfilling that outside the relationship. There is absolutely no reason why partners have to be monogamous. I hope this helps. Sending love.
Thanks so much for sahring in this wonderful video as usual - don't know if I identify fully but I sometimes feel a disconnectedness from my sexual self - that it had been something that happened 'to' me rather than something I engaged in myself as willing, trusting partner - it wasn't until I had therapy over my childhood sexual abuse and self-destructive alcoholism that I learned to vie myself 'permission' to participate - not trying to push hetero-normativity here - but it helped me understand I had a multifaceted connection to my wife- not just a woman but as a fuller person. I have yet to be physical with a man again now I'm this side of the journey but I'm not sure I need to. Sex just is no longer is the focus of my relationships with people.
Hey Mark my lovely friend thank you so much for sharing this beautiful experience. I love that we can share like this and everyone has their own unique journeys. You are perfection in you exactly the way you are and I’m honoured to have you as part of our community. I’m hearing that you have overcome a lot so big recognition to you for this.
Ace/Bi absolutely resonates with me. I realized I was Bi in high school and was also attracted to women.. but became extremely bored with it all.
I love physical contact but nothing too serious. No trauma in my life only a strong desire to remain connected with people M/F and free at the same time. Very confusing. 💝🙏
Maybe you are aromantic
I feel like this took so much more work from you to speak about that your other movies I watched, and I appreciate the effort to look for the right words. I feel like I know what you wanted to tell even though some sentences may sound like something else if someone's not really listening. I resonanted with some parts of it. I identify as a "very sexual demisexual" whatever that means lol, and I have trouble imagining asexuality could be a part of how I work. Because asexuality sounds to me like a preference not to have sex at all for the rest of someone's life. But it makes sense it could be just not as even and predictable as allosexuality. In my case, if I were to be honest with myself I'm not that hyped about genitalia or fluids of any gender, it just sort of happens, but I'm into other body parts. I never want to have sex with people I don't know, but I feel sex very intensely with people I love. I initiate most of it, I'm sure I couldn't be happy without it, even if most of days I feel about the prospect like it would be just waisting energy I could spend somewhere else. Obviously it's very different to how you describe you are wired, but sort of I understand how someone can love having sex and still feel like asexuality is a huge part of how their mind or body works. Maybe it could be like having two wolves in you that want completely different things but they don't necessary have to fight. Both are just nice puppers. I don't think many people think about it. It's like, if you're a fan of sex, you don't have to look into asexuality at all, it's only when it's not your thing at all.
I'm a demiromantic demiomni- aegosexual cis female with she/her pronouns. It's been a journey.
And I’m so glad you are here with us to share this journey. We love you.
Thank you, I feel very similarly, but without the trauma and I don't really enjoy anything, just like to... well, not.
It’s a very broad spectrum, Asexuality…I went through several aspec identities before I found the one that fit my experience best
Me too. That’s so normal and okay.
I have to be honest I still don’t understand asexuality and it’s a bit frustrating because I really want to understand. I know it’s annoying for asexuals when ppl think it’s a libido thing but I still don’t understand how is asexuality different from a low libido. I’m just confused. If anybody is willing to explain further I’m all ears 💕
Hey thanks so much for trying to understand. That’s all we really need. You don’t need to understand us at all. Just be cool. I don’t understand heterosexuality for example but I still love and accept straight people…(most of them haha!). I have a video explaining the difference between asexuality and libido here. ua-cam.com/video/ZE_PWvwQHOQ/v-deo.htmlsi=r8Q9RrdJlJlMAjE8
@@notdefining Thank you so much! I will look into it x
I don't know. It's hard to define me. I am definitely gay(that much is solid)lol. But I am also attracted to Trans men.
I have an interest in all things surrounding sex. But not actual pen# sex. If it happens,it happens. But I look at it more like something that is an extension of something else in the act of intimacy,rather than the end goal.
For instance,when I see someone I am attracted to, I want to hug, kiss them,make them feel good etc. But I don't necessarily think of pen# sex. Not unless the moment calls for it. And some moments don't.
I feel very judged by lovers if I don't go "all the way". So it's progressively scared me off of even trying to date. This to a point where I think I am "asexual".
But I know it's more a reaction to the feared judgement that will be placed on me. I just don't know if there are people out there who prioritize as much emphasis on intimacy as I do. Even my porn must feel intimate and not just "wham, bam, thank you. Sir!" 😂
Sex is great. But really as an extension of intimacy (as said earlier). And not a stand alone product divorced from it🙏🏿
Hey thanks for sharing. There is no “but” in “I’m gay” and “I’m attracted to trans men”. You’re gay and you are attracted to trans men. So you are gay. No buts.
I relate to being asexual, I'm 32
Hey thanks for sharing. Sending so much love.
Would you mind spelling out for me what you talk about at 10:50 (going to butcher this spelling but "Kaydesexual")?
It is something id like to look into myself
asexuals.fandom.com/wiki/Caedsexual#:~:text=Caedsexual%20or%20Caedosexual%20is%20a,spectrum%20due%20to%20past%20trauma.
Interesting.
Glad you think so!
I'm demibisexual
Just because you are not attracted all the time, it does not make you Ace. I think "everbody" feels variationens i sexual drive.
So this would be a common distinction that sometimes gets confused. Asexuality is the ability to experience sexual attraction or to understand what it is. Sex drive is the physical lack of bodily arousal which as you say everyone has fluctuations in. Also, I decide how I define so it’s my choice completely. Hope that makes sense. I know it can be confusing sometimes.
Hii mark. I used to love ur content but nowadays for me ur content is slipping away.i am not interested in your videos as before. How can be you bi,pan and ace at same time. Ur content is causing confusion to some people.
Romantic attraction can be separate. Some people's attraction fluctuates and they may not be able to feel attraction at all for some period of time. Some people have fluid attraction and can shift from being exclusively attracted to men to exclusively attracted to women to equally attracted to everyone etc etc. It can mean a lot of things to different people, that's up to each person to decide. It's not a big deal.
Also, label discourse is silly and benefits no one. Let people determine that for themselves. People who wish us all harm don't care what our labels are and neither should we. Support queer unity, not queer division.
A lot of people are just confused and victims of the extr. brainw. and infiltr. Previous generations before this type of constant brainw. started didn’t have all these issues for the most part. Of course there are always some exceptions but it’s sad to see how they completely messed with all these easy to infiltr. minds of the recent generations. Also many of these people are victims of tra*ma like he described and lost their identity due to it, you see a lot of broken people who need to get back to focus on simple daily values and stop this insane hyperfocus on se*uality and all these things that people who have meaningful goals and priorities don’t even have the time to worry, think or fuss about all day. Also normal mentally sane people with values and priorities and duties don’t focus on s** constantly like some teenage boys. He probably would be a regular happily married man with a wife and kids if it wasn’t for the tra*ma he went through, internalized and let him define him also due to brainw.
Im so sorry ,Mark but this something a grey aces have to navigate the general society not knowing the nuances between Sexual attraction and the machination of sexual act.
Hey that’s okay to feel. Sexuality and gender can be confusing and it’s confusing to me too. This channel has always been about the in between, the bits that don’t make sense and the parts which exist between the labels. The world wants to categorise us (and this even extends to social media which greatly favours content on tightly defined niches). For example I know if I were to make my content exclusively about bisexuality I would have 10k subscribers by now but I purposefully don’t because that’s not true to me. And it’s not true for many people too. I’m always around to answer any questions and clarify if anything is unclear. Also if you let me know what content you like best I will always try to tailor it to what is most helpful. So let me know. I hope it’s not brought up too much confusion for you. I know it can be a lot sometimes. But anyway. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I’m sending so much love to you xxx
@@notdefining please make a video about why most people realise their sexuality at different stages of life for example some people know they are gay even at age of 5 and I realised my bisexuality at 17 and for some people it takes even more time. Why this realisation period is different for everyone. I have a boyfriend he is 37 and i am 20. He recently discovered he is pansexual why this late for some. He has wife and 13 year old child also. My simple question is. Why we don't realise our sexuality at same age group ,why it's so diverse. . Anyway love you and ur content ❤️
Do you want me to share some of my journal entries with you? I can't do it here. It's way too personal. What's your email?