Totally, I love the teaching component to this channel. The good manners. He looks like a very affable, and genteel soul, like he'd never make one misstep bcuz he's being guided by a higher realm. Old school but in a new schooled way.
1. Don’t apologize. 2. Don’t acknowledge the tears. Wipe them away and keep on talking. Otherwise it creates a distraction. 3. If you need to, Label the tears (e.g. these are tired tears, or, these are tears that care)
@@dimples2727 yes, we were on holiday n had a minor disagreement at our apartment, I was trying to talk to him about how much he’d drank as I was concerned as he was very ill the night before. He didn’t like that I’d raised it as an issue and told me I was ‘dumb’ and his ex girlfriend was much more intelligent, I don’t cry easily but that hurt. He never apologised and I felt so humiliated I ended our 3 year relationship two weeks later. Everyone has a limit.
Sir, I've never felt such deep appreciation and respect towards a youtuber before. As an adult from a narcissistic family that is extremely manipulative, I am emotionally immature, underdeveloped, and disconnected. Im a young single mother to a son who has an ASPD father that pushes this toxic masculinity narrative. Unable to find a healthy male role model for my boy in real life, I am going to watch this video with him in hopes of creating a healthy perspective for him. Thank you.
You are educating yourself. That's admirable and an big sign that you are a good mother. Sending lots of positive energy to you and your son. *cyber hugs*
I come to you with good intent. Please be careful about the messaging you give to your son about his father. It could backfire if you use it as a comparison vs just letting him hear the videos without it being a mission to “show him”, how to be a man. And when he begins to imitate his father, you’ll do well to have a healthy response planned so you can lovingly guide him. There is much personal work that goes into raising children healthier than what we got in our early years. Best wishes! ✨💖✨
I've been surrounded by dysfunctional people and people that cannot communicate like this... My entire life. Its SO refreshing to hear you express these ideas. Thank you.
I've done a lot of crying in my life, I'm in my 60s and I have been to numerous therapists and not one of them have ever explained this the way you just did. I cannot begin to thank you for what you have just said, truly enlightening.
This is the third video that I’ve watched of Jeffersons. What’s so impressive to me is his deep understanding of the “human condition“. He looks to be fairly young and I’m just wondering how he became so wise. He surely is an old soul.
I was taught that crying is a weakness. It sucks. I hide crying as best I can but when I am upset enough that I cry I’m always mortified. Thanks for the great advice!
I've spent my life apologizing and being mortified when I cry. I fear that it's manipulative because I've been told that when I cry, it takes their power away. I cry when I'm frustrated, misunderstood, or truly upset, not to manipulate. I think it will help to not apologize, just keep talking. Edited to add...oh! You covered this at the end
I am the same way and people have says really nasty things to me and you know what the thing is at least we feel. I cry when I’m angry as well so.. I hear you loud and clear. I cry when I’m angry b:c I know underneath that it means that I’m sad and I’m frustrated as well as sometimes shocked. I cry when I’m just frustrated or overwhelmed by so much and I think that’s OK. I cry when I’m very touched and that’s OK as well. Too many people judge people for crying, and then they shame them to feel bad about it and that generally comes from an upbringing where there’s a critical parent and shame any emotion that they deem as ‘extreme’ when it’s not.
It's because the person who says your crying takes their power away, is likely damaged and had no control as a child, and likely were not allowed to cry or belittled for it, and they are in a constant struggle to be in control. They have no idea how to react to someone else's emotions because it's something they can't control. Sadly, they are perpetuating their own abuse. I've been dealing with this from my husband for 37 years. You are worth having all of your feelings!
Jefferson Fisher - In my experience from childhood, when told "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"...it's automatic to say "sorry"... Thank you for addressing what to do when I cry! I feel better and will be prepared next time 🙂
I have never considered that crying during an argument is "okay ". I was always told it was weakness or I was being manipulative, even as a child. If tears started to flow, I would be told, "Go and wash ypur face".Come back when you have composed yourself. Thank you for all of your communication advice. This one is a great relief for me as an adult and comfort for the inner child I carry with me
I cry, I cry at a commercial, a sad story, a happy moment etc.... It's not healthy to keep things inside. Crying is a release and always makes me feel better! I taught my children that it is 100% okay to cry. IMO it's a great thing to do and helps in some ways to not blow up and maybe say something that you may regret....❤❤❤😭
I am 62 and have always cried during arguments, I am so grateful for this contact Jefferson . I think I cry because relationships are so important to me. This has given me a handle on it.
I really appreciate your straight forward approach to communication without being confrontational. I think that our society has forgotten how to have effective and clear conversations without unnecessary layers of fluff. I love the way you teach by examples through stories. It is the oldest and best (in my opinion) form of teaching afterall. Thank you!
Thank you so much for bringing this up. Im hyper sensitive person. I cry when im happy, when i am angry and ofc when im sad. When im in the middle of argument, its a lot of emotion to regulate especially when youre so frustrated to get your feelings understood, so usually crying is my way to stay grounded and collected. Unfortunately for some people, they see it as weakness or as a weapon instead of trying understand. God bless you and your family for your kindness and generosity sharing your knowledge how to communicate better.
My mom, who passed away ten years ago at age 98, would cry easily, especially during an argument. Then she would panic. I wish she could have watched this video! I also find myself crying-so at least you are helping me!
A friend once said I was being unprofessional when I couldn’t stop my tears. (I was meeting some miners and mineral dealers for the first time.) I told him, “we are at a bar, at 2:00 a.m., that lady was questioning my integrity, I just got off a flight on which I was crying because I’m going through a divorce, I’m not going to let you shame me for crying. My tears hurt no one. And if my crying at a bar for what they said to me is going to upset them, then I don’t need to do business with them.” It’s very important to be clear about yourself. When you know you did nothing wrong don’t let anyone shame you for it. That incident only made them respect me more.
I’m actually working with a therapist on this very issue. I was not allowed to cry as a child and felt ashamed of crying as an adult. The stress from holding in all the tears has greatly affected my health and my autonomic system. This past January my son died and I knew I had to find a way out of the constant state of flight or fight. It’s been very hard because I’ve avoided crying entire life. When I let myself feel the feelings I was so unfamiliar with it I would go down a dark hole. It’s getting better and I’m learning to talk to myself the way I would talk to my children ( encouraging them to feel their feelings) Thank you for this podcast today. It’s reinforced what I’m learning and I am sure there are so many people who need to hear that it’s ok to cry. ( Even healthy to cry! )
It sounds like you were shamed for having emotions. Glad to hear that you are unlearning those bad habits and heal from not recieving support when you needed it.
You are an inspiration ..I’m am 70, widowed a long time; need to be self reliant..from a very broken family (of origin) few relatives but these ideas and your natural clarity on things, helps! Wish I’d known these permitted truths’ age 17 (and homeless) your advice is safe and priceless ~ thanks 🪷angie
Psychologist chiming in…this is 100% on and a message I wish we could have everyone hear. The one minor change I would make is to not pass the crying person a tissue. That can be a ‘statement’ about our discomfort with the other’s tears. If you can see the tissues, they can, too. Let’s respect people’s ability to manage their emotions and needs in the manner they choose 😊
Thanks for the suggestion to tell the other person to keep on talking, even though you are tearing up. It shows you are still listening and interested in what they are saying.
I cry so easily in difficult conversations and nothing works - BUT THIS! When I’m walking into the boss’s office or whatever stressful situation is coming up I press “record” on my phone. Don’t know why but it gives me strength. It’s like someone is listening and agreeing with me. Knowing it’s being recorded takes away my feeling of weakness and helplessness.
As an emotional person, I appreciate this. God bottles up our tears and knows what we are feeling and helps us through. Only thing that bothers me when I cry is how ugly I look😂
Another emotional person here… I found that when I suppress my tears and strain to keep it down, the pressure eventually breaks through my resistance and bursts out, which makes it more likely to look ugly or noisy. But when I allow the emotion to flow and focus on breathing and anchoring myself in my body, then my face stays normal with tears flowing, but no strain scrunching up my face. I think it’s the inner resistance to the release that makes it worse.
Stress cup is too full! Tears that care! And I love the comparison with a stiff shoulder etc (I'd add sweat beads on the forehead). Love how you tie the tears to words of meaning to move things forward instead of us slipping backwards. This is critical coz in the rare time(s) I've shed tears, it's in front of a high functioning parent who overwhelmed my then uneducated emotional system-I had no words to navigate the moment. Only hot helpless tears... Emotions AND appropriate Words-the power combination of introverts. Thanks for all your priceless words Jefferson!
Crying is good! I personally feel better after crying. I have cried several times in the last week over feeling lonely and struggling to adjust after moving to a new city alone. It is definitely a release. In the moment, I don't really feel better but after about 30 minutes I realize everything's ok and I'm grateful. So, I guess they are grateful tears.🙂
Shawn, get connected with a church, social group, book club, or find a nonprofit organization to volunteer at. Get plugged in somewhere and you will find friends and meaningful relationships. Check your work bulletin board for employee social groups or activities. Wishing you all the best on your journey. God Bless
Jefferson You have such incredible empathy and a great justifier of normal emotions. You are such a good role model- for the world. You- I just love you.
❤Love this! A beautiful flip to the script, going from the thought of tears are something to apologize for, to cause extra tension, embarassed of, be ashamed of or mocked... to tears are something to be grateful for, that your body is taking care of itself, to relax in them, to be able to breath and rest in them, so simply label them.. this is what my body needs - these are tired/overwhemed/sad/hurting/stress tears, this is my body doing what it needs to. I will be sharing this with others! Also love the Tears are just liquid stress, my cup is full and this is the overflow.
Thank you for this post. I cry almost every heated argument. My family tell me it's because I want attention and it's not. I can't help it. I'll try that naming it technique
I get so frustrated, and raise my voice, then when I can't get anywhere, I cry. Thank you for sharing this information and allowing us to feel normal, and able to get our point across. When I read a eulogy for my mom's funeral, my pastor told me to just keep on going, even if I cry, or feel like crying. I never thought of it in light of an argument though. Thanks for giving of your time and energy to help others.😊
I'm guilty of constantly acknowledging the tears (perhaps its due to me being uncomfortable with this situation) but instead, learn to be more engaged in listening and focus on the conversation. Thanks Jefferson! ❤
Boy, did I need to hear that!!!! I’m so happy I found you! Thanks for this message! I am claiming my crying easily! One step closer to healing from 35 years of narc abuse!
I recently ended up in tears when discussing difficult situation with my toxic boss. It felt so embarrassing and as if my body was sabotaging me and undermining what I was saying. Thank you for this podcast. Means a lot to know how to react in the future so feel empowered rather than embarrassed 😄👋👏
"Tears are just stress in liquid form..." Another pearl I have gleaned from your content. Keep teaching Sir, your words are changing lives! Your podcasts are something valuable in a world of drivel, I listen regularly!!
I needed this info 30 years ago!! Thank you! I’ve had superiors who brought in ’help’ because they knew I was going to cry, because I took my job personally.
My stress has been on overdrive for some time and I have been crying non stop. But I didn’t realize it was a physical reaction. I always labeled it emotional. I have acknowledged them in a conversation by saying ignore the tears, just listen to my words. Thank you for all you do. It really helps and I need all I can get.
Best information on the internet. Crying is so stigmatized. Telling someone that you don't need to cry is manipulation. I have experienced adults crying to control.
I just love this man and what he teaches us. I love the help he provides, I love the understand we have of ourselves, I love understanding we have of others and situations. I'm grateful for the help you've given me in my life. I'm still learning and have a ways to go but you're helping me build a bridge to success in my work life, friends life and home life. Thank you.
A wonderful post! I hope other men are listening and watching closely. HONOR the body's wisdom and acknowledge/label it out loud. As the person listening, handing them a tissue and keep on going in the conversation is the way to go. Thank you, kind sir!!
My theme for the last 18 months (because I don't do resolutions) has been improvement of relationships. Your communication tips have been instrumental with my success. Thank you Mr. Fisher! I am a big fan of your work!
I so appreciate this one. In my leadership training I cowered handing the employee a box of Kleenex without comment during a one on one where they start crying and said to not acknowledge it. But I appreciate that you cover both sides. I've sent this out to the organizations I trained before I retired and suggested they share it with their entire workforce.
Thank you so much. I used to cry for any little confrontation, but I learned to hold it in which it mught not be healthy. However, my pre teen does that and I don't want for her to be consumed by her tears or apology for them. This is valuable. ❤
Thank you, Jefferson. I have had problems with tearing up in emotionally charged discussions and I usually just shut down because I am ashamed. The lump in my throat also can get in the way of me communicating. Your permission to not be ashamed of crying and showing emotion means a lot. My feelings are valid, and I need to acknowledge them and engage in communicating how I feel.
This helped me a great deal. Tears can be taken as a sign of weakness by a bully and used to manipulate. Thank you for this. I can use all of this in my relationship. Actually, by applying the communication skills you teach, I feel more in control in tense conversations, and I cry less without trying. If the tears do well up, I'm going to remember it's not shameful. Keep my core self strong. Thank you Jefferson. Your lessons are far more impactful than you can imagine.
With kids, it is different. I do ask them questions to help them clarify and label what they are feeling. For example, "Are you crying because you feel scared, or are you crying because you are hurt (physically)?" With manipulative or over-the-top tears, it might be something like, "Are you feeling upset because we can't have ice cream right now?" "I can understand why you might feel upset about that. Do you want to know a secret? Adults like ice cream too. Did you know that part of growing up is learning what to do when we can't have what we want? What are some other things you think we could do instead?" Sometimes it works, other times, if they are dead set on it, I just say, "Crying isn't going to get you what you want" and let them sort it out. Because it is important for them to be able to distinguish between "natural" tears and to know that others around them know the difference, and will provide care when care is needed and boundaries when boundaries are needed.
I am a mom and I listen to your wonderful advice to both communicate and help teach my kids effective communication skills. I feel like you have more to say on how to handle conversations with kids. If that can be a podcast, I am sure many parents would benefit greatly from. Looking forward to that future podcast. Thank you for spending your time sharing your valuable thoughts.
I have used many of your tips in a very short time! people do react much differently towards me now and my confidence has sky rocketed. I thank you so much for all your advice you having given me. I used to be a say yes gal. But now when I really want to say no, I say it with no explanation and people are shocked. People treated my kindness as weakness. It always hurt me! But now that I don’t have to give so my reasons why i’m saying no, I feel so more in control and respect myself more. Thank you so much for your talent and help.
Great advice! If you claim it you control it. I was once told by a very wise woman I worked with that "You should talk through your tears, don't let them (the tears) stop you... just keep on going". I've always remembered that and applied it - it works. It's a stronger response. Tears need to be welcomed and not feared both from yourself and others. Shared tears are human connection.
Wow! My husband has made me feel terrible for crying when he is emotionally abusive. Like I need to control myself. And I have believed it for so many years. Thanks for this
Yet again.... simple, well-explained, VALUABLE, common sense advice. I would feel so confident in you as my attorney if I needed one. And, honestly, you would be an excellent therapist!
Dear Jefferson, I'm barely one and a half minutes into this podcast and I've already taken a huge sigh of relief! I tend to cry during an argument when I realize it's time to assert myself some more as I detect manipulation/gaslighting... I'm actually floored that this is occurring!... crying occurs as I am summoning strength...
This is amazing advice!! I had a supervisor that brought me to tears of ANGER on a weekly basis. I yelled at him more than once that I was mad and not hurt. Wish I had this ammunition then!
Oof. As a kid, I was constantly accused of manipulation and deception that I was not even developmentally capable of. It is so painful at 4 or 6 years old to be seen as bad rather than to be attuned with. Learning and trying can look awkward, but that doesn't mean insincere. Trust. Your kids are good inside.
Good morning Jefferson and thank you for this very informative podcast. I am one of those people who despite my best efforts can end up in tears when in an intense discussion. I become uncomfortable because I feel I am vulnerable in front of people and whatever point I have to make is then useless. I'm going to remember your lessons today. You have given me some good tools to use the next time I feel my tears flowing. I am not vulnerable and there is no reason for shame and my points are still valid even though they are being served with a helping of tears! Thank you again for your message.
This is wonderful! Thank you! I’ve spent my whole life struggling with this and your advice is very empowering, encouraging, and helps to remove the shame around crying in difficult situations. 😊
This podcast is what I needed! Timely. Being laid off for the 2nd time this year you've helped me to understand and label those tears I've shed. I now know the stress levels were too much. Thank you Jefferson. ❤
Whenever I get overwhelmed or frustrated in conversations, my body's reaction is to cry and for my throat to close up. Takes me several minutes to be able to speak again, and it's HORRIBLE. Here's hoping I'll remember these tips for next time! 😊
Full marks for taking this topic Jefferson 🎉 It's universal...all go through this Be it relations....in family..peers...employers .... ❤ Are you travelling whilst making videos....😊
Thank you so much Jefferson 🥰 I had such an issue with anger for most of my life. I used to cry because I didn’t even know I was angry. My body processing the anger. I always felt so weak & stupid. Why was it happening. I process a lot through tears. Thank you 🥰
![5 Things Successful People Do Before 8AM [FULL MESSAGE] | Terri Savelle Foy](/img/n.gif)
“Stress in liquid form” my takeaway in this lesson 😂
👍🏻
Right!!?! I caught that too, love it!😊
All men should be like this guy
@Nicolesantostefano1872 I do, and have been following home for about 3 years now.
Totally, I love the teaching component to this channel. The good manners. He looks like a very affable, and genteel soul, like he'd never make one misstep bcuz he's being guided by a higher realm. Old school but in a new schooled way.
@@CiaoFooTanks4AllTheFish
Strongly agree. His aura is beautiful and vibrant ❤
All people... plain straight up should listen
1. Don’t apologize.
2. Don’t acknowledge the tears. Wipe them away and keep on talking. Otherwise it creates a distraction.
3. If you need to, Label the tears (e.g. these are tired tears, or, these are tears that care)
I just say I’m feeling emotional - last time I cried, I was told ‘why should I take care of your emotional needs’
😮
@@tinkerbellUKwow .
@@dimples2727 yes, we were on holiday n had a minor disagreement at our apartment, I was trying to talk to him about how much he’d drank as I was concerned as he was very ill the night before. He didn’t like that I’d raised it as an issue and told me I was ‘dumb’ and his ex girlfriend was much more intelligent, I don’t cry easily but that hurt. He never apologised and I felt so humiliated I ended our 3 year relationship two weeks later. Everyone has a limit.
@@tinkerbellUK😢
Sir, I've never felt such deep appreciation and respect towards a youtuber before.
As an adult from a narcissistic family that is extremely manipulative, I am emotionally immature, underdeveloped, and disconnected. Im a young single mother to a son who has an ASPD father that pushes this toxic masculinity narrative.
Unable to find a healthy male role model for my boy in real life, I am going to watch this video with him in hopes of creating a healthy perspective for him. Thank you.
Waw that is deep down to the bone 😢
You are educating yourself. That's admirable and an big sign that you are a good mother. Sending lots of positive energy to you and your son. *cyber hugs*
I come to you with good intent.
Please be careful about the messaging you give to your son about his father.
It could backfire if you use it as a comparison vs just letting him hear the videos without it being a mission to “show him”, how to be a man.
And when he begins to imitate his father, you’ll do well to have a healthy response planned so you can lovingly guide him.
There is much personal work that goes into raising children healthier than what we got in our early years.
Best wishes!
✨💖✨
I've been surrounded by dysfunctional people and people that cannot communicate like this... My entire life.
Its SO refreshing to hear you express these ideas.
Thank you.
I've done a lot of crying in my life, I'm in my 60s and I have been to numerous therapists and not one of them have ever explained this the way you just did. I cannot begin to thank you for what you have just said, truly enlightening.
I like the comment “when you claim it you control it” that resonates with me
you're right! That was powerful!
I don’t go on diets anymore. I track my food/calories. If I track it, I pay attention to it. Makes perfect sense!
The biology of tears is that you are not only flushing out emotions but literally you are flushing out excess cortisol, the stress hormone.
This is the third video that I’ve watched of Jeffersons. What’s so impressive to me is his deep understanding of the “human condition“. He looks to be fairly young and I’m just wondering how he became so wise. He surely is an old soul.
@michaelslawin
Being Empathetic....has no age
Peerless Jefferson...
He's kind hearted..we can make out from his eyes...
Thanks Jefferson 😊
❤
Amen
I was taught that crying is a weakness. It sucks. I hide crying as best I can but when I am upset enough that I cry I’m always mortified. Thanks for the great advice!
Crying is simply releasing your body releasing. No shame. Never apologize. ❤️
Crying is a healthy bodyily function. The string do it.
I've spent my life apologizing and being mortified when I cry. I fear that it's manipulative because I've been told that when I cry, it takes their power away. I cry when I'm frustrated, misunderstood, or truly upset, not to manipulate. I think it will help to not apologize, just keep talking. Edited to add...oh! You covered this at the end
I am the same way and people have says really nasty things to me and you know what the thing is at least we feel. I cry when I’m angry as well so.. I hear you loud and clear.
I cry when I’m angry b:c I know underneath that it means that I’m sad and I’m frustrated as well as sometimes shocked. I cry when I’m just frustrated or overwhelmed by so much and I think that’s OK. I cry when I’m very touched and that’s OK as well. Too many people judge people for crying, and then they shame them to feel bad about it and that generally comes from an upbringing where there’s a critical parent and shame any emotion that they deem as ‘extreme’ when it’s not.
Finally.. thank you @@SunshineGrove04
Same. But since menopause, it is not really a problem anymore!
@@SunshineGrove04I feel the same way
It's because the person who says your crying takes their power away, is likely damaged and had no control as a child, and likely were not allowed to cry or belittled for it, and they are in a constant struggle to be in control. They have no idea how to react to someone else's emotions because it's something they can't control. Sadly, they are perpetuating their own abuse. I've been dealing with this from my husband for 37 years. You are worth having all of your feelings!
Jefferson Fisher - In my experience from childhood, when told "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"...it's automatic to say "sorry"... Thank you for addressing what to do when I cry! I feel better and will be prepared next time 🙂
“It’s your stress in liquid form.”-BRILLIANT 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤❤❤
… “When you claim it, you control it”. I like that saying. I’m adopting it.😊
I have never considered that crying during an argument is "okay ". I was always told it was weakness or I was being manipulative, even as a child. If tears started to flow, I would be told, "Go and wash ypur face".Come back when you have composed yourself.
Thank you for all of your communication advice. This one is a great relief for me as an adult and comfort for the inner child I carry with me
I have never heard it explained so beautifully like this before! Thank you for giving a voice to tears! 😍🥰
Agree..
I cry, I cry at a commercial, a sad story, a happy moment etc.... It's not healthy to keep things inside. Crying is a release and always makes me feel better! I taught my children that it is 100% okay to cry. IMO it's a great thing to do and helps in some ways to not blow up and maybe say something that you may regret....❤❤❤😭
Laura you sound like me!! I cry choosing a greeting card!!
Me too .
Same 🙂
Same.
I agree😎
I am 62 and have always cried during arguments, I am so grateful for this contact Jefferson . I think I cry because relationships are so important to me. This has given me a handle on it.
I really appreciate your straight forward approach to communication without being confrontational. I think that our society has forgotten how to have effective and clear conversations without unnecessary layers of fluff. I love the way you teach by examples through stories. It is the oldest and best (in my opinion) form of teaching afterall. Thank you!
It's maturity. Everyone can benefit from these nuggets of wisdom. A true father to a nation.
I agree 100%
@@Miacappello-g4k Yuperoo! Jefferson demonstrates integrity and compassion and wisdom. Three in one
A wise Native saying ~ The one who is crying is not the one with the problem. Great video!
Thank you so much for bringing this up. Im hyper sensitive person. I cry when im happy, when i am angry and ofc when im sad. When im in the middle of argument, its a lot of emotion to regulate especially when youre so frustrated to get your feelings understood, so usually crying is my way to stay grounded and collected. Unfortunately for some people, they see it as weakness or as a weapon instead of trying understand. God bless you and your family for your kindness and generosity sharing your knowledge how to communicate better.
Ditto
My mom, who passed away ten years ago at age 98, would cry easily, especially during an argument. Then she would panic. I wish she could have watched this video! I also find myself crying-so at least you are helping me!
Therapists always are happy, when tears show up. They are seen as signs of healing. Wonderful content. Thank you.
A friend once said I was being unprofessional when I couldn’t stop my tears. (I was meeting some miners and mineral dealers for the first time.) I told him, “we are at a bar, at 2:00 a.m., that lady was questioning my integrity, I just got off a flight on which I was crying because I’m going through a divorce, I’m not going to let you shame me for crying. My tears hurt no one. And if my crying at a bar for what they said to me is going to upset them, then I don’t need to do business with them.”
It’s very important to be clear about yourself. When you know you did nothing wrong don’t let anyone shame you for it. That incident only made them respect me more.
I’m actually working with a therapist on this very issue. I was not allowed to cry as a child and felt ashamed of crying as an adult. The stress from holding in all the tears has greatly affected my health and my autonomic system. This past January my son died and I knew I had to find a way out of the constant state of flight or fight. It’s been very hard because I’ve avoided crying entire life. When I let myself feel the feelings I was so unfamiliar with it I would go down a dark hole. It’s getting better and I’m learning to talk to myself the way I would talk to my children ( encouraging them to feel their feelings)
Thank you for this podcast today. It’s reinforced what I’m
learning and I am sure there are so many people who need to hear that it’s ok to cry. ( Even healthy to cry! )
It sounds like you were shamed for having emotions. Glad to hear that you are unlearning those bad habits and heal from not recieving support when you needed it.
Hugs to you Debbie
I m in my mid 70s and never have arguments. ❤ don’t always comment, but I follow every thing you post.
Thank you. That means a lot to me, truly.
You are an inspiration ..I’m am 70, widowed a long time; need to be self reliant..from a very broken family (of origin) few relatives but these ideas and your natural clarity on things, helps! Wish I’d known these permitted truths’ age 17 (and homeless) your advice is safe and priceless ~ thanks 🪷angie
@@jeffersonfisherfollowing you & following Jesus 🙌🏻❤️
Psychologist chiming in…this is 100% on and a message I wish we could have everyone hear. The one minor change I would make is to not pass the crying person a tissue. That can be a ‘statement’ about our discomfort with the other’s tears. If you can see the tissues, they can, too. Let’s respect people’s ability to manage their emotions and needs in the manner they choose 😊
Thank you🙏🏻you’ve explained crying during an argument the best way I have ever heard. I will NEVER apologize again.
Jefferson is the bees knees! 🐝
Vunerbaility is nothing to be ashamed of. ❤️
Thanks for the suggestion to tell the other person to keep on talking, even though you are tearing up. It shows you are still listening and interested in what they are saying.
Hello, I love when a man doesn't hide his tears. Tears (except manipulative ones) show something is to be considered seriously.
I cry so easily in difficult conversations and nothing works - BUT THIS!
When I’m walking into the boss’s office or whatever stressful situation is coming up I press “record” on my phone.
Don’t know why but it gives me strength.
It’s like someone is listening and agreeing with me.
Knowing it’s being recorded takes away my feeling of weakness and helplessness.
I think this world needs more tears. Honest and true. Many times I won't wipe away my tears, so they can continue to speak on my behalf
I appreciate these podcasts. Thank you Jefferson Fisher
You are so welcome.
As an emotional person, I appreciate this. God bottles up our tears and knows what we are feeling and helps us through. Only thing that bothers me when I cry is how ugly I look😂
I am right there with you! I find a bunch of tissues to cover my face and avoid eye contact.
Another emotional person here… I found that when I suppress my tears and strain to keep it down, the pressure eventually breaks through my resistance and bursts out, which makes it more likely to look ugly or noisy. But when I allow the emotion to flow and focus on breathing and anchoring myself in my body, then my face stays normal with tears flowing, but no strain scrunching up my face. I think it’s the inner resistance to the release that makes it worse.
OMG. my nose gets big. my eyes are bloodshot. i ain’t pretty
Your you - and that is pretty@nancyjo3453
Lol, I can relate. I cry ugly. 😊
Stress cup is too full! Tears that care! And I love the comparison with a stiff shoulder etc (I'd add sweat beads on the forehead). Love how you tie the tears to words of meaning to move things forward instead of us slipping backwards. This is critical coz in the rare time(s) I've shed tears, it's in front of a high functioning parent who overwhelmed my then uneducated emotional system-I had no words to navigate the moment. Only hot helpless tears...
Emotions AND appropriate Words-the power combination of introverts. Thanks for all your priceless words Jefferson!
I am 42 years old and I cry more than anyone else I know. This helped me SO much; thank you. ❤
Crying is good! I personally feel better after crying. I have cried several times in the last week over feeling lonely and struggling to adjust after moving to a new city alone. It is definitely a release. In the moment, I don't really feel better but after about 30 minutes I realize everything's ok and I'm grateful. So, I guess they are grateful tears.🙂
Shawn, get connected with a church, social group, book club, or find a nonprofit organization to volunteer at. Get plugged in somewhere and you will find friends and meaningful relationships. Check your work bulletin board for employee social groups or activities. Wishing you all the best on your journey. God Bless
Love this....tears and body awareness! Don't apologize or acknowledge...keep the conversation going. Excellent advice!
Awesome, "just label the tears." Powerful for the soul.
Jefferson
You have such incredible empathy and a great justifier of normal emotions. You are such a good role model- for the world.
You- I just love you.
❤Love this! A beautiful flip to the script, going from the thought of tears are something to apologize for, to cause extra tension, embarassed of, be ashamed of or mocked... to tears are something to be grateful for, that your body is taking care of itself, to relax in them, to be able to breath and rest in them, so simply label them.. this is what my body needs - these are tired/overwhemed/sad/hurting/stress tears, this is my body doing what it needs to. I will be sharing this with others! Also love the Tears are just liquid stress, my cup is full and this is the overflow.
Incredible You❤
Thank you for this post. I cry almost every heated argument. My family tell me it's because I want attention and it's not. I can't help it. I'll try that naming it technique
I get so frustrated, and raise my voice, then when I can't get anywhere, I cry. Thank you for sharing this information and allowing us to feel normal, and able to get our point across. When I read a eulogy for my mom's funeral, my pastor told me to just keep on going, even if I cry, or feel like crying. I never thought of it in light of an argument though. Thanks for giving of your time and energy to help others.😊
I'm guilty of constantly acknowledging the tears (perhaps its due to me being uncomfortable with this situation) but instead, learn to be more engaged in listening and focus on the conversation.
Thanks Jefferson! ❤
Excellent advice! Thank you! I’m going to definitely use this instead of feeling weak or ashamed.
I appreciate you!
God bless 🙏🏻
Boy, did I need to hear that!!!! I’m so happy I found you! Thanks for this message! I am claiming my crying easily! One step closer to healing from 35 years of narc abuse!
I recently ended up in tears when discussing difficult situation with my toxic boss. It felt so embarrassing and as if my body was sabotaging me and undermining what I was saying. Thank you for this podcast. Means a lot to know how to react in the future so feel empowered rather than embarrassed 😄👋👏
This makes so much sense. Very clear explanation. You're an enlightened being! Has anyone told you that?! 😊 Thank you so much 🙏
Thank you for your help. You have no idea how improtant you are for this stressful world. May God be with you, always.
"Tears are just stress in liquid form..." Another pearl I have gleaned from your content. Keep teaching Sir, your words are changing lives! Your podcasts are something valuable in a world of drivel, I listen regularly!!
I needed this info 30 years ago!! Thank you! I’ve had superiors who brought in ’help’ because they knew I was going to cry, because I took my job personally.
I'm an emotional person, and tend to cry easily. Thanks for helping me with this.
My stress has been on overdrive for some time and I have been crying non stop. But I didn’t realize it was a physical reaction. I always labeled it emotional. I have acknowledged them in a conversation by saying ignore the tears, just listen to my words. Thank you for all you do. It really helps and I need all I can get.
What a perspective!!! My sister was so rude and aggressive that I started crying… I couldnt believe it!! I really have to think about this.
Tears are my emotions to a deep part of my heart. I reach out to God immediately. My comforter, my joy. Thank you for your understanding of me.
your advice is so helpful in this life thankyou..
Best information on the internet. Crying is so stigmatized. Telling someone that you don't need to cry is manipulation. I have experienced adults crying to control.
what revelations. A new life with this knowledge. And you are truly altruistic and compassionate
I just love this man and what he teaches us. I love the help he provides, I love the understand we have of ourselves, I love understanding we have of others and situations.
I'm grateful for the help you've given me in my life. I'm still learning and have a ways to go but you're helping me build a bridge to success in my work life, friends life and home life. Thank you.
A wonderful post! I hope other men are listening and watching closely. HONOR the body's wisdom and acknowledge/label it out loud. As the person listening, handing them a tissue and keep on going in the conversation is the way to go. Thank you, kind sir!!
Well said!
Thank you ❤ I'm going to share this with my adult daughters as we are all cryers and I hope to never apologize for being a cryer again!
My theme for the last 18 months (because I don't do resolutions) has been improvement of relationships. Your communication tips have been instrumental with my success. Thank you Mr. Fisher! I am a big fan of your work!
Thank you...and I am crying now. Liquid emotions....
this is very helpful. i have always struggled to let people know that i am fine, just crying. This gave me the words. Thanks, Jefferson.
OMG. I was always belittled by how easily I cry. Your explanation brought tears to my eyes to know that it’s okay!
I so appreciate this one. In my leadership training I cowered handing the employee a box of Kleenex without comment during a one on one where they start crying and said to not acknowledge it. But I appreciate that you cover both sides. I've sent this out to the organizations I trained before I retired and suggested they share it with their entire workforce.
Thank you for being there.
The empathy in you, Jefferson, is so beautiful to see in a man. Thank you 🤍
Thank you so much. I used to cry for any little confrontation, but I learned to hold it in which it mught not be healthy. However, my pre teen does that and I don't want for her to be consumed by her tears or apology for them. This is valuable. ❤
Thank you, Jefferson. I have had problems with tearing up in emotionally charged discussions and I usually just shut down because I am ashamed. The lump in my throat also can get in the way of me communicating. Your permission to not be ashamed of crying and showing emotion means a lot. My feelings are valid, and I need to acknowledge them and engage in communicating how I feel.
This helped me a great deal. Tears can be taken as a sign of weakness by a bully and used to manipulate. Thank you for this. I can use all of this in my relationship. Actually, by applying the communication skills you teach, I feel more in control in tense conversations, and I cry less without trying. If the tears do well up, I'm going to remember it's not shameful. Keep my core self strong. Thank you Jefferson. Your lessons are far more impactful than you can imagine.
With kids, it is different. I do ask them questions to help them clarify and label what they are feeling. For example, "Are you crying because you feel scared, or are you crying because you are hurt (physically)?"
With manipulative or over-the-top tears, it might be something like, "Are you feeling upset because we can't have ice cream right now?" "I can understand why you might feel upset about that. Do you want to know a secret? Adults like ice cream too. Did you know that part of growing up is learning what to do when we can't have what we want? What are some other things you think we could do instead?" Sometimes it works, other times, if they are dead set on it, I just say, "Crying isn't going to get you what you want" and let them sort it out.
Because it is important for them to be able to distinguish between "natural" tears and to know that others around them know the difference, and will provide care when care is needed and boundaries when boundaries are needed.
Wow .i love how you explain that to your children.
I must use this with my granddaughter.
I am a mom and I listen to your wonderful advice to both communicate and help teach my kids effective communication skills. I feel like you have more to say on how to handle conversations with kids. If that can be a podcast, I am sure many parents would benefit greatly from. Looking forward to that future podcast. Thank you for spending your time sharing your valuable thoughts.
i got goosebumps 3 mins in lol what your saying is so true well done Jefferson thank you for giving your time to teach wisdom
I have used many of your tips in a very short time! people do react much differently towards me now and my confidence has sky rocketed. I thank you so much for all your advice you having given me. I used to be a say yes gal. But now when I really want to say no, I say it with no explanation and people are shocked. People treated my kindness as weakness. It always hurt me! But now that I don’t have to give so my reasons why i’m saying no, I feel so more in control and respect myself more. Thank you so much for your talent and help.
Great advice! If you claim it you control it. I was once told by a very wise woman I worked with that "You should talk through your tears, don't let them (the tears) stop you... just keep on going". I've always remembered that and applied it - it works. It's a stronger response. Tears need to be welcomed and not feared both from yourself and others. Shared tears are human connection.
Wow! My husband has made me feel terrible for crying when he is emotionally abusive. Like I need to control myself. And I have believed it for so many years. Thanks for this
I look forward to every new video by Jefferson. They are life changing! My life is much better than ever before meeting Jefferson!
Even though I'm old enough to be your Mom, I feel that this advice is like good parental counsel. So wholesome. Thanks.
Thank you very much! May God keep you and yours safe and sound. Bonnie
Yet again.... simple, well-explained, VALUABLE, common sense advice. I would feel so confident in you as my attorney if I needed one. And, honestly, you would be an excellent therapist!
Thank you Jefferson for empowering so many souls. Stay blessed 🙏
You're doing good deeds.
😊 thank you. I have struggled with shame for crying. This was lovely to hear.
Dear Jefferson, I'm barely one and a half minutes into this podcast and I've already taken a huge sigh of relief!
I tend to cry during an argument when I realize it's time to assert myself some more as I detect manipulation/gaslighting... I'm actually floored that this is occurring!... crying occurs as I am summoning strength...
This is amazing advice!! I had a supervisor that brought me to tears of ANGER on a weekly basis. I yelled at him more than once that I was mad and not hurt. Wish I had this ammunition then!
I could watch you all day long
You’re a beautiful person and soul
You made me smile throughout this podcast. I will remember what you say about crying. They are liquid. I loved that!!!
Oof. As a kid, I was constantly accused of manipulation and deception that I was not even developmentally capable of. It is so painful at 4 or 6 years old to be seen as bad rather than to be attuned with. Learning and trying can look awkward, but that doesn't mean insincere. Trust. Your kids are good inside.
Wonderful. I have assigned these videos to my staff!
Good morning Jefferson and thank you for this very informative podcast. I am one of those people who despite my best efforts can end up in tears when in an intense discussion. I become uncomfortable because I feel I am vulnerable in front of people and whatever point I have to make is then useless. I'm going to remember your lessons today. You have given me some good tools to use the next time I feel my tears flowing. I am not vulnerable and there is no reason for shame and my points are still valid even though they are being served with a helping of tears! Thank you again for your message.
Enjoy these lessons so much. Thank you for caring about these topics and sharing your expertise. It’s helping tremendously.
This is wonderful! Thank you! I’ve spent my whole life struggling with this and your advice is very empowering, encouraging, and helps to remove the shame around crying in difficult situations. 😊
You are so welcome!
I listen to your videos almost everyday. I’ve learned so much and this one is so valuable. It really helps to leave the shame at the door.
This podcast is what I needed! Timely. Being laid off for the 2nd time this year you've helped me to understand and label those tears I've shed. I now know the stress levels were too much. Thank you Jefferson. ❤
What do you do when they acknowledge them-“oh bring on the tears” or they start criticizing you for crying? Yes,my situation-thanks for addressing it
Whenever I get overwhelmed or frustrated in conversations, my body's reaction is to cry and for my throat to close up. Takes me several minutes to be able to speak again, and it's HORRIBLE.
Here's hoping I'll remember these tips for next time! 😊
Full marks for taking this topic
Jefferson 🎉
It's universal...all go through this
Be it relations....in family..peers...employers ....
❤
Are you travelling whilst making videos....😊
Thank you so much Jefferson 🥰 I had such an issue with anger for most of my life. I used to cry because I didn’t even know I was angry. My body processing the anger. I always felt so weak & stupid. Why was it happening. I process a lot through tears. Thank you 🥰