Sometimes I overshare as an act of respect. If I have to miss a scheduled social engagement, I feel like it sounds like a lie to say “I’m feeling sick” rather than “I saw a double zig-zag flash which is my migraine prodrome and that suggests I really have a migraine coming on. I just took my prescription Sumatriptan but it might be too late to fully mute this migraine attack, so I really shouldn’t risk going to Benihana with all the noise and lights as my migraines also amplify my misophonia and photophobia (sound and light sensitivity). I wish I could be there!”
Very relatable, but they were not looking for all of that detail. An abbreviated response like "I had the beginning of a migraine, took my medication, and stayed home to be safe." would still be accurate, and then they can ask for more information if they are genuinely concerned about you and what happened and how they can accommodate you moving forward.
The research shows that taking triptans in the aura phase is ineffective in stopping the migraine. They must be taken at the first twinge of pain (which can be simultaneous with the aura in some people). However, taking ketamine does reduce aura intensity. Aspirin is something that can be taken early, or even prophylactically.
@@letsdomath1750 That's the thing, you don't necessarily know if they were or not. I like to make things clear to people so I end up overexplaining myself in the hopes that the additional detail will put it into context. I honestly don't see an issue in people explaining themselves in detail if it means providing context.
This is me, to a T. I never want people to think I’m avoiding them or just not bothered about their lives, so I tend to over-explain the problems that have prevented me from engaging with them. I’d rather they think I overshare than that I don’t care.
I do this too, but it's more of an anxiety/trauma response for me. I spent much of my life feeling like I was not enough, which means I put everyone above me. So when I answered questions, they would be apologetic, almost begging for the other person to not be upset with me (even if it was a benign issue and not confrontational). I'm taking steps to be more assertive and state things in a way that does not appear like I'm asking for permission or forgiveness. Specifically, "I am" or "I will be" rather than "can I" or "sorry, but" etc...
It frightens some people when they encounter someone who is completely open and honest. Oversharing can be dangerous with rigid minds, or those who may take advantage of a disability.
And sometimes I overshare because I’m socially anxious and the words are out of my mouth before I’ve thought about the effect they might have on myself or others. It’s as though someone else is in control of my mouth! It might be a week later, or longer that I go back to the event and cringe at what I shared. And sometimes I’m just being truthful about a situation where others are being polite and more thoughtful. I do my best to remain silent at times, but that other person in charge of my mouth takes control! I’m trying!!
Yes, I think this is common, autistic or not. That's why I brought up the divorce example. When I divorced I trauma dumped on everyone. In hindsight, I was mortified thinking of what I shared. Many thought of it as TMI and pushed me away, but others "got" it. Eventually, I had someone going through a divorce do the same thing to me. It's actually happened a few times. And I recognized, that at that moment, it wasn't my place to judge, but to simply be there, as other's had been in the past. Some have noted in the comments that my response to such a situation was inappropriate. That I was oversharing by saying anything. But it's all about context. I was speaking to people searching for answers who felt their life was over. Sharing my story, from a healed place, helped them realize they were not alone and that they could survive it. I hope things get easier for you soon. Just try to be patient with the process and focus on your own self growth. I get that it's a struggle. I don't think we ever really stop struggling....
Keeping things bottled up always makes me feel so lonely and isolated. It's especially hard, because I'm a natural extrovert, who enjoys being around other people, but especially as a kid I would always come on to strong and end up pushing people away instead. The few times I've found friends I can be more open with, I cherish them so much.
I can't comprehend why would anyone view oversharing as a negative thing. I feel it's a sign of massive trust. And since most people tend not to trust me because of atypical body language and communication, gaining someone's trust is a huge badge of honor.
I tend to agree. The only line I try to draw is whether it's purposeful (which includes letting them know more about who you are are) or whether it's stream of consciousness or venting with no real objective. Being honest and open with people is a positive trait, assuming others are not ill intentioned.
Here might be a complementary view point : I don't think those two concepts are mutually exclusive, Authenticity might be Oversharing sometimes. People can't handle autheticity very often, or authenticity might be viewed as inappropriate depending on the situation and information. Even if it comes from a clear and somewhat objective mind state.
Conversations with other neurodivergent people can be very interesting and overly intense to the point of causing anxiety. Conversations with neurotypical people often seem boring and stifling and it is difficult to form relationships with them as a neurodivergent person.
I agree with this. I don't mind oversharing, but I've definitely had conversations with other autistics that just divulged waaaay too much too early, like blow by blow childhood trauma in the first 15 minutes of meeting without stopping to breath or make sure I was following. Their experiences were valid and I was empathetic, but it's awkward as I didn't know where to go from there. Definitely anxiety inducing. On the flipside, I've also had some very fun, random conversations that wouldn't fit conventional social norms. Again, I think oversharing can work for a lot of us, particularly amongst other NDs because it's what we do. However, I still think we need to be mindful of whether the person is following along and participating in the conversation (or is more deer in the headlights).
This is brilliant, thank you. I overshared / flooded for all of the above: I'm being diagnosed with autism and ADHD at the moment as I'm about to retire. I also came from a narcissistic family system where full disclosure to the narcissist is expected, and because the CPTSD aspects of being unheard and invalidated within the toxic system made it highly cathartic when someone (anyone) was prepared to listen to my perspective and empathise. Now, on the outside (disowned and disinherited by my narcissistic parent) and having moved away from my friends to an affordable area, I'm lonely and struggle to find someone appropriate. I'm a member of a group for overcoming emotional abuse (where many of us are also neurodivergent) and I don't want to overshare there because we share a core set of challenging behaviours resulting from our trauma, of which flooding others is one, because we have deficits in self-regulation to overcome.
Me being AuDHD myself I hate when I overshare at work. I don’t see workers as anyone to trust because it is leverage. The whole “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help in the office” is also leverage for the coworker to take advantage of your good nature. They will delegate their duties onto you, ask you to cover their weekends, complain if you didn’t do anything. Unfortunately, we are guilty of opening up because we see them more than our friends and families most of the time. We get comfortable. I am smart though and don’t share important details. However, being so articulate and really thorough I still overshare even in a positive convo and they end up using it against you. “Oh I can’t cover this weekend because I have kids where as he (that being me) doesn’t have kids (because I was gullible to share that info) and now I pay the price. I do come in smart and uptight enough to be a workaholic but approachable enough to be easy to work with.
I understand where you're coming from. I would not extended that type of kindness to a random coworker, because I agree, it could be exploited. It's a judgement call. For me, they would have needed to demonstrate real adversity in life or neurodiversity for me to even think about opening up. On the flip side, never having anything to say can also be problematic. It can be alienating in the workplace and make you a target. It's a fine line...
I, too, try to think twice before sharing personal stuff in the workplace. A few not so good experiences came from that... especially in the long term. I have done it in those oversharing frenzies that you regret later. Sometimes I'm just too trusting and only recognize later that I shouldn't have trusted that person that has now leverage over me.
The fact you don't have kids doesn't mean anything. Just stand up to their thinking you'll cover weekend shifts and defend yourself - oh sorry, but I can't cover either, because I have things I care about, too (whatever you do on the weekend - be it sitting at home or not)
I really don't like how frequently traits of autism and ADHD are pathologised. Oversharing is another element of what it means to communicate differently. We constantly seem to be expected to meet neurotypical people where they're at, to meet neurotypical norms, when we simply aren't wired to do so. Honestly, if I overshare, I'm still mindful of how much I'm sharing and to whom. I'm not going to change the way I comfortably communicate and relate to others because someone is occasionally uncomfortable. We're not sick or wrong, and we certainly shouldn't be made to feel as though we should need to change ourselves for anyone besides ourselves. If this doesn't fit for other people, if it makes other people uncomfortable, then I simply find new people. I choose for it to be that way and that's my right to.
I agree and I spoke to this specifically near the end of the video. We are who we are. We can't "stop" being neurodivergent. However, we can be mindful of how we present and have tools that can help us in awkward situations. It's not so much about making other people comfortable as it is not making yourself vulnerable to those who might use your words against you.
Agreed. I can't stand the nonsense NTs spew and expect me to act as though I agree and love it. Their communication never has any content and is just about power dynamics and ego dominance. Enough. Shut up. Give me something true.
I am tired of people not realizing that some autistic and ADHD traits are shared with more dangerous nuerodivergent offshoots. For instance sociopaths can fake empathy by retelling stories about themselves that are similar to whatever was just expressed to them. This makes this autistic behavior suspect to anyone who has had a hard time dealing with a sociopath in their lives.
@@ProudlyAutistic: I sorta hate always having to be "mindful". It feels like I always have to have my guard up and never get to relax for fear that my enthusiasm might be perceived by someone else as an overstep. I'm an extrovert by nature but because I force myself to keep so much bottled up most people, including my own family, treat me like I was an introvert. It's so hard when I so desperately want to be part of group activities, but no one invites me along because they mistakenly think I prefer being alone.
@@EmeralBookwise thank you for saying this! I'm watching the video now and having trouble with it because of this. Always monitoring myself for over sharing also feels too much like masking. And fawning!
Wow your intro explained the difference between oversharing vs authenticity very well, thank you! I tend to overshare when explaining myself, & I feel frustrated with myself every time, because I know people don't care; but I'd rather that than they think bad assumptions about me. So I'm frustrated for oversharing & frustrated for caring. I've also encountered NTs that overshared & this confused the heck out of me, because I thought this meant they wanted to be friends; but after about a year of seeing eachother, they basically ghosted
I can relate big time to your second point. Because I overshare when I’m trying to connect with someone, I make the mistake of automatically assuming that when someone else does the same to me, they want to be my friend, when actually they might just want to talk and be heard. I often used to get hurt and confused by people before I understood this.
This is great! Granted, I am not as eloquent as in your example when asking a colleague how she feels about her divorce - I often catch myself forgetting to go through those simple motions of small talk (to my shame) and going straight to oversharing... I'm totally guilty of that, and I'm trying to be mindful and ask questions and give reactions. 'Know your audience' is truly a slogan to keep in mind when conversing with people who aren't your close friends and family. Sometimes I first share a thing I am eager to share with my diary before sharing it with others just to take off the egde of emotion that usually is too big...
I stopped oversharing (almost never do anymore but I used to a lot when I was younger) several few years ago. Sadly in exchange I am very alone isolated and Don’t interact or talk to people much at all. Still what helped me was really feeling how cruel and dangerous other people are The fear prevents my words now.
It's funny watching these kinds of videos as an adult and seeing bits and pieces of myself even though I was never diagnosed as a child... but that was back before there was a concept that these sorts of things could be a spectrum. The doctors would run their tests and decide either you were or you weren't, without much in-between. Pretty sure I remember at least one or maybe more times my parents being told I was "borderline" and to come back if symptoms worsened but otherwise never being recommended anything else.
Wow, this was a difficult video to watch! The first half was directly addressing a recent inadvertent oversharing I did on a certain social media platform. I had the best of intentions in putting the post "out there", but after seeing the resulting engagement, which may have been more NT's instead of ND's responding, I was embarassed and ended up deleting the post and thread. I seem to be of two minds at once. I don't largely talk with people FTF, but in a trusted site, I share stuff with the intention of helping others and for making a connection. And more importantly, it just seems to be of my nature, which goes into what you covered in the second half that oversharing is frequently an aspect of being autistic/ND, and to not beat myself up about it but just be mindful.
I self-identify as on the spectrum at work, but then I give only the information which I feel will be specifically helpful to working seamlessly with me. An example is the following: I have very poor audio processing memory related to tasks and technical information, so I let others know that, if they want me to get things done more quickly and alleviate their annoyances on the job, they will have to send me an email or an IM so I can follow through right away. I also take transcripts from meetings and convert them to notes. This kind of sharing gives others a "user manual" to best work with me.😀
Agree, this is a good approach. At work I also prefer not to give too much information on diagnosis. Instead, like you, I focus on the best way to collaborate with each other.
There are a couple of things not mentioned in the video that I would like to point out before I go on rambling about my own experiences. First of all, we may share a lot of information in an effort to be crystal clear, open and honest about everything to remove any possible point of misunderstanding. Neorotypical people often interpret this not necessarily as over-sharing, but as over-analysing. Secondly, I tend to share stuff in bigger chunks than most people. This is not so much about sharing too much or too personal information, but about the fact that neorotypical people tend to prefer dialogue in a way that is very difficult for me as an autistic person. Especially in text I almost always write more at the same time than other people do. I refuse to text chat, since that gives me nothing but anxiety. Being open has pros and cons. Sometimes people (new connections and friends - I try to learn to be better at clarifying :) )have said to me that they are thankful I have been so open because that has helped them open up to me. But usually it doesn't work. People say I should show interest in the other person and it just talking about myself. By the way, another reason I might talk a bit too much is insecurity and being nervous - I hate being the leader and I seek consolation. The more unsure I feel about myself and the social expectations, the more I talk. The less the other person talks, the more I talk. I understand that especially when texting, people often write less to show that I write in too big chunks. That has the opposite effect on me and I get anxious and desperate and write even longer messages. Okay, so this supposedly means asking questions. But people often don't answer them or they just write "no" without any follow-up. That complete negates the purpose of my question, because it was not the answer to the question I was after, but to let them know that I expect them to open up and talk so that I have a chance to get a sense of who I am talking too! Then I might ask if they have robbed many banks recently (meaning, what is currently going on emotionally in your private life?) and then they just disappear. I joke to release tention and to make the conversation less formal and stiff, but people don't get that. I often ask a bunch of question to show that it is not the answers to the questions themselves I am after, but that I am eager to learn more in a specific area in relation to them. But then apparently, many people, I have learned, interpret this as questioning or an attempt to making an extensive interview instead!! What??? How on earth can we interpret things so differently? People expect specific questions, I expect generaliserad answers - we dont match! For example, if a woman plays the flute I want to know how it is like be a semi-professional flutist in the local orchestra, but she thinks that is too general and expects a question like "so, what are you currently playing in the orchestra?" Neorotypical people wants to start superficially and take it from there. I and many other autistic people don't see it that way. Here I really have to emphasize that just because you have noticed such a general difference and you understand it theoretically died not mean you know how to deal with these issues in practice. I have seen neorotyoical persons misunderstand this. They think that just we are informed, we can take others' perspective easier and find a work-around ourselves. It doesn't work that way! On the contrary, I have found that more awareness leads to more anxiety without any improved cooping strategies at all. (Many aspects of being autistic do get more manageable with age though due to more life experience.) And yes, usually, I desperately need to talk about something. Even therapists get annoyed and upset. I often go to other therapists to talk about conversations that went wrong with other therapists. I once was very, very stressed and overwhelmed and really needed to vent everything. I went to my therapist (I don't go to her anymore, because it didn't work) and I haven't even talked for two minutes before she angrily interupts me to bombard me with questions! My current therapist don't do that (even though I can't afford more sessions for the moment). She listens to me and let me finish. Then she validates me and first after that gives me feedback and suggestions. As it should be! I have seen other videos advicing to clarify intensions, expectations and emotions. I suspect that this might be one missing piece of puzzle for me. I must emphasize though that doing this in a fluent verbal conversation with another person is extremely difficult for me and many other autists and for a variety of reasons. I think that in many of these situations people don't understand where I am coming from and I just trust that they will read me. To return to the subject of the video, I used to feel anxious about over-sharing when I was younger. But then I came to a point where I realised that I don't have to feel ashamed about what people know about me. After that I felt much better about this. I am not taking about over-sharing private information in the local chess club; in such situations I often want to be more open, but there isn't really any opportunities for it. Sometimes it feels vad because I didn't really want to burden people around me, but I also felt that I did the only right thing in that situation. That is when the society fails to give me the support I need and I end up in an emergency situation. An example would be when the neighbors were fighting and I got a shutdown and turn to other people to help me call the police. Some people - even other autists - have been judgemental, but I am actually proud of myself for asking for help from others which was very shameful and difficult for me, rather than doing nothing. However, I don't have this distinction about what is private and not in the way neorotyoical people usually have. It is of course a generalisation and a simplification - there are stuff I don't share to me closest friends or even a therapist - but I am more or less behaving the same whether I know a person or not and that feels good. That is how I am. (Sharing something that I suspect can make a friend extremely uncomfortable or hurt only happen if I feel disrespected and violated and even then that is of course unfortunate.) The crunch of the matter is if course that due to my problems when it comes to interaction with other people, I don't fully trust my own judgement and when I don't I get stuck in constant anxiety and ruminates over exactly everything. How can trust my own judgement when I know that other people would call me out on stuff if I showed them my conversations? I don't what things, I just know that my perspective is a little bit different. And if I do show them, not all agree. And of course, in order for me to find something helpful, I first have to agree - I can't do things blindly because other people say that it works. (Firstly, I wouldn't be authentic, secondly, if I don't agree I don't understand and will fail anyway when the real empathy is lacking, thirdly, the cost in my mental health would be huge.)
I think that some people may also be more talkative in general. Also unprocessed trauma seems to be a factor. I find I don’t really have this issue anymore but I also have been too closed off, fearful and isolated instead. When I was young I was constantly talking and ‘over sharing’ except for certain very private things. I feel like if people were detailed and authentic the world would be better. I also think sometimes people may not have the time to hear too much as they are in a rush but in general I have sadly erred on the side of assuming people are dangerous and will misuse that information or be cruel so I’ve learned to be more quit and ‘edit’ carefully what I do say. I hope you can find at least one close friend you can ramble on too as it’s very helpful.
I’m completely blind, autistic and have complex PTSD. All of the reasons you listed are why I overshare. I don’t always realize I overshare. And being that I also can’t see my audiences reactions, and I rely 100% on verbal tones and cues. I won’t even know I did it because I never saw the look of uncomfort, shock or annoyance on the person’s face, and sometimes they don’t give me a verbal cue, which can make it even more difficult to have a filter. Along with not always having a filter due to being on the autism spectrum.
I am just launching an autistic UA-cam myself! Thanks for this message! I definitely need it now as I create new content. I don't want to overshare! I just can't always tell. You rock, lady
Yeah, I'm definitely guilty of sharing too much, but it's all stuff I've healed from. It's a fine line between being relatable and providing informative content. Good luck!
I just had a chance to check out your channel. It's great! I couldn't find your contact info... please feel free to reach out (my email is in the page bio section) if you'd like to work together on something.
2:41 While I understand the desire to share a related experience because I do the same and prefer that myself, a lot of people complain that you take up the spotlight by inserting anything about your own lived experience until they are done venting and they explicitly consent or ask to listen to your story. Be very careful because that is a recipe for disaster. Sometimes people don't want to hear anything about what you have gone through because they are not used to that back-and-forth, don't want to feel so vulnerable, don't want to connect with you on that specific topic, or just want to be affirmed and validated and nothing more.
Being AuDHD on the mild spectrum I can play tricks really well because I know how to social mask. When I burn out, they wonder why I am not “me”. I open up to those I trust and like to work on my toxic behaviors if I see it is healthy and better. I also like to try for myself and those I care about.
You make a really good point about burn out. I should have added that. When I'm burnt out or perhaps I'm not functioning at 100% because I slept poorly, my ability to mask definitely declines significantly. It's so bad that I have to be very careful about interacting with coworkers when I'm feeling this way.
I'm catching myself more these days when a simple conversation turns into dumping raw data. Sometimes it takes a week after the fact, but, I'm catching it! lol
I overshare when there is awkward silence in conversations or when I feel there is no connection with the other person. Word salad comes out and I try to get them to accept me by being vulnerable. Like Showing them my under belly. Look I am safe. It always makes me feel like I was pimping myself out and I end up pulling away and then they notice my light din around them. You can't win. It hurts
Yeah, I typically don't have an issue with oversharing as it does help me get to know the other person. And I do it too, so it helps me feel less weird and safe. I think one of the biggest challenges is swinging too far the other way and just shutting down socially. I've dealt with that at work, we're I was deemed "too serious" and it had career ramifications. It's hard.
@@ProudlyAutistic me too :/ sometimes it's easier to not interact at all, rather than risk saying the wrong thing. But then people judge you in other ways. It gets awkward, either way. In the end, I've decided that it comes down to who is around you. My friends and I overshare all over the place, we don't have awkward silences. We find the right people. And, to be your own biggest supporter. You can never please everyone. Easier said than done, and, yeah, work is hard. And knowing WHO you can be truly authentic with and who you need to curb it with. Been burned and blessed with oversharing.
Interesting. I find a lot of NT smalltalk to be rather boring and lacking substance. NDs seem to speed through smalltalk which can be problematic if we share too much without building trust first.
Small talk is like chickens clucking - 'I'm here, you're here, everything is OK, so lets talk weather or sports ....." NT people seem afraid to open up, as if face-saving is a full time operation. I make a conscious effort to ask people open ended questions about themselves (everyone's favorite topic). If they open up, for begin asking questions themselves, they might be someone to talk to again. If not, move on. NT people's minds are cluttered with thoughts, problems and personality issues they're not even aware of, so it's not at all surprising that oversharing annoys them.
Sometimes yes. Especially if they jump from the one subject to the other all the time. But I am guilty if this too. But what can happen is that I get told that I am very intense and don't let the other person talk. Afterwards I feel like I was talking for three hours with this person and was still not allowed to talk about what I needed and I was the one being constantly interupted and they were doing most of the talking. I suspect this has to do with a lack of communication about expectations, purpose and feelings, which I mention other where in the comment field. We don't read each other properly and don't try to confirm how we have perceived things. I find that if I have a note with all the stuff I want to bring up and ask if I can do that, it often works much better. But you have a point, because we autists don't always wanna hear all that small talk all the time. To a certain point it's okay and I do small talk in the beginning when I first meet people too. But then you wonder why are you taking about this? Where are we going? So ...just as I can run over people, I can also let myself be over-run because I don't know how to communicate about it and I think that neorotypical people often just assumes that it works the way they are used to.
I guess I’m kind of weird in that how I shape disclosure is to teach people how my cognition and emotions work. Because if we’ll be interacting, the other person would presumably need to know about that. I see “meeting people” as a process of modeling each other’s minds. If people don’t participate in that process, then I don’t know how to proceed. That ties into my theory-of-mind. I don’t know what others think or feel. Where it’s a problem for me is that I can interpret what people say many different ways - but not correctly guess which ones are most likely. I tend to do poorly with aspects of life which people handle unconsciously, probably because I don’t understand why they prefer to be unconscious about them. It’s often “feast or famine” with me. People sometimes puzzle over how even painstakingly detailed accounts tell them nothing that they want to know, yet at other times it seems to quickly become TMI. To me, meeting people is more about the process than the content, “how” rather than “what”.
Great comment! Yes, I tend to overexplain too, providing way more detail then needed. I simply don't know how to condense it down or recognize what is the most important information during a conversation. In hindsight, yes, I know precisely what I "should" have said, but not during a conversation. So every detail comes out. I mentioned it near the end of the video, but I agree that's important to be as transparent as you can. It's not always bout conforming to other's expectations all the time.
8:21 Yep, that approach rarely works with those who are already guarded around a neurodivergent individual. Simply move on to the best of your abilities.
I hate when I realize that I have overshared - because that happens - and I tell myself to shut up and keep quiet in social situations for a long time afterwards
Yes. Usually happens to me as the words are coming out of my mouth. A lot of times, I ruminate about situations and script out what to say, including responses that I tell myself I shouldn't use. Guess what's the first thing I say when I have the chance? Every. single. time.
Is it oversharing to go to work and tell people i am feeling out of sorts because my dog hurt herself and had to have an operation and I had to leave her with a friend because I can't stay home and look after her. No one ever asked how she was doing, so I figured I was oversharing.
i over share out of a desperate desire to connect. it almost feels manipulative since i know why i do it but it also comes out as a compulsion and i can hardly stop it anyway
I agree. I oftentimes find the words unintentionally spilling out, I can't always stop myself. The more I'm aware of what not to say, the more likely I will probably say it. It's frustrating.
I have Adhd and I speak whats on my mind and I've had some people who are offput by it and others respect it. I'm not going to second guess what I'm saying and get caught up inside my head.
This was very helpful for me to understand the problems I have with over sharing. Can anyone recommend any good resources (videos, articles, books or more) on understanding the different communication styles of neurotypicals and austistics?
I wish someone would do a video for when we don’t wish to over share and are badgered until we do. I know I’m not the only person who has this problem. I asked my therapist about it, and she said I come across as attractive and friendly which makes people want to talk to me. However, absolutely no therapist has been able to teach me how to shut down an unwanted personal conversation before it escalates. Do I really have to resort to rudeness at that point?
I volunteer some where where you don't tell about yourself with everyone. I go in and be professional and do what I am meant to do there. I only ask if they are OK and they answer how they are after. I only answer about me if asked. Try to keep outside life and where you are separate.
I disagree that authenticity is saying "I will be here for you, you can talk to me since I have been thru similar". To me that is the basic sense of Hi, how are you? Im here" Thats not being authentic. Authenticity is sharing oneself. Self expression is what authenticity is, For example, on your birthday 10 people will say "have a happy birthday" but that does not mean they actually want you to be happy. Nor does saying "Im so sorry youre going thru a divorce". All of this sounds so basic and phony. Maybe 2% of people actually mean it and will actually be there for you and actually care about you. Everything else is so fake, certainly not being authentic. You have to recall that all therapists now cost 160-200$ an hour, and thats price gauging that not everyone can afford, certainly not something people can afford everyday simply to just have 'an expression of thoughts" to someone. I dont understand why it is wrong to share. I spent 2 hours talking with a stranger about his life and he loved it, and thanked me for it, even showing me a photo of his grandchild, it made him happy. Yet according to this video he should have kept all of that inside and only waited until he spoke with his best friend.
Workplaces: Just don't share ANY of your personal life. No pictures of family members or even pets on your desk. No religious symbols.. ...don't even eat home-cooked food in front of coworkers. Hide in your car for lunch. Your eccentric food is a topic of conversation. Your only answer is "fine thank you". Any extracurricular conversation topics could lead to you spurting out, "I spent the weekend at _______ festival, and I wore ______. And I don't actually like sleeping in a bed with a mattress." You have to just tolerate them talking about sports and babies, and just nod in agreement without adding any information to the conversation.
I don't like being called neurotypical or how your talking about all the people you put that lable on like they are all the same. Would it be fine with you if I just call you whatever I want without consulting you? What about talking about you like you are just like every other person who doesnt fall under the "neurotypical" lable?
Actually, yes, it would be fine if you called me neurodivergent. Or autistic. Or an AuDHDer. It's all true and not insulting. Are you implying I should be ashamed of that? I agree that not all NTs are the same. All NT means is that you're in the majority of the population that doesn't have clinical, applied, or acquired neurodiversity. It's part of your identity and not an insult. Perhaps it's new to you, but it is a legitimate term and not "made up." I'm still unclear why you're taking offense to the term that classifies your specific neuroidentity. It's like getting mad at terms used to identify specific ethnicities, genders, sexualities, etc. Lastly, studies are increasingly demonstrating clear and fundamental differences in how autistics and neurotypicals communicate. So this conversation is valid and not conjecture. There are very clear differences between autistic and NT people, although to your point, not all NTs are the same and not all autistics are the same.
@@ProudlyAutistic If you are reading , thank you. I did not ask you if I could call autistic or neurodif out or any other specific name. You have been putting a lable on me that I did not pick and I was asking how you would feel if I put one on you that you don't approve of. Asking that question was an attempt to get you put yourself in the same position that I am in when you use lables me that I don't care for. I don't know what you mean by What I am am implying... if you think I'm trying to hinting at something, I am not. Besides being called something I don't want to be called, the labels you are using has ingroup and outgroup implications. Implications are are not intentions, misinterpretation, or interpretation. You are not neurodiverse. The spectrum of autism is neurodeverse. You can call yourself neurodiverse if you want but this will continue to confuse and mislead others. Autism is a disorder and not a neurodiversification.
There’s some great advice here, but also some tough pills to swallow. The clearly stated rules here would be very helpful. And yeh, posting things creates a downward spiral where I feel bad … but I’m not sure whether I would feel worse being reduced to how people wanted me defined. I’m actually pretty concerned that society has lost so many of the spaces it formerly had permitting discussion of issues where words didn’t permanently affect our lives. In this way, it honestly seems like everyone is inauthentic online … not that I would expect many to over share. Instead it just seems like it is rare that I see any authentic communication. We imitate patterns we see, so how we interact in online communication is, I think, more normative than other IRL communication patterns we see. Further, for ADD & Autistic people whose interactions are heavily skewed (by people walking on eggshells), this completely blocks us in. I’m not saying you’re wrong - you’re approaching this in a pragmatic way & advising people to avoid problems. For me, my family basically never acknowledged anything I said online even though I could indirectly see it affecting their decisions … occasionally. I wasn’t seeking to get this reaction, but I had a ton of problems with them, as they were extremely dismissive of what was more or less self-diagnosis. They were not comfortable with a diagnosis that was favorable. What I’ve learned is that someone who cares will seek to maintain visibility on your struggles and will tolerate some discomfort when coming to an understanding. If they don’t try to find out more or if they punish you for wanting to talk about things, then they don’t care. I dealt with this for a decade and gradually escalated. I wanted to keep things private, but they were “boiling the frog” and wanted my entire life story to be a cautionary tale. Feeling cornered and seeing that everyone else like me in technology making 100,000+ while being treated like an unwanted black sheep made me want to stand up for myself. I kept expecting someone to directly bring up something I posted … but again “zero attempts at visibility”. Almost no one ever brought up anything that I posted, so I’m assuming that only lurkers ever used the information to harm me or box me in.
The way You put it here would make any anorectic overeat immediately. Making poppy guesses this eatable would get You millions followers as influencer selling them all anything whatsoever. Only: when they all find out, You have to change Your name and hide.🤪
This is a terrible video. Infodumping is bad if it doesn’t accomplish the end you mean to accomplish. If you mean to have more people enjoy your company, don’t infodump, and talk to the degree that they still enjoy your company (wait, how is an autistic person expected to understand every time a person feels uncomfortable?) If you’re looking for a friend you can have fun infodumping about your hobby with without having to constantly monitor their feelings, then you have to let some people know they don’t like you off the bat because neither of you is the friend the other is looking for!
This video isn't just about making friends. Many of us have to work and info dumping indiscriminately can be very problematic for us. It's important to know your audience and know how to set healthy boundaries that respect the needs of both sides. That means you should also expect them to make space for being neurodivergent.
We have autism AND D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)! 🤯 So, what you call ‘oversharing’ is often one our fragmented states of consciousness appearing and announcing itself. And the worst part is that we won’t remember the communication later. There is an amnesia barrier in the brain. We ‘black out’, so to speak. It’s like when you become drunk and accidentally tell people strange stories or like those drugged up people in videos saying off the wall stuff after dental surgery, and . But everyday. 🫤
Sometimes I overshare as an act of respect. If I have to miss a scheduled social engagement, I feel like it sounds like a lie to say “I’m feeling sick” rather than “I saw a double zig-zag flash which is my migraine prodrome and that suggests I really have a migraine coming on. I just took my prescription Sumatriptan but it might be too late to fully mute this migraine attack, so I really shouldn’t risk going to Benihana with all the noise and lights as my migraines also amplify my misophonia and photophobia (sound and light sensitivity). I wish I could be there!”
Very relatable, but they were not looking for all of that detail. An abbreviated response like "I had the beginning of a migraine, took my medication, and stayed home to be safe." would still be accurate, and then they can ask for more information if they are genuinely concerned about you and what happened and how they can accommodate you moving forward.
The research shows that taking triptans in the aura phase is ineffective in stopping the migraine. They must be taken at the first twinge of pain (which can be simultaneous with the aura in some people). However, taking ketamine does reduce aura intensity. Aspirin is something that can be taken early, or even prophylactically.
@@letsdomath1750 That's the thing, you don't necessarily know if they were or not. I like to make things clear to people so I end up overexplaining myself in the hopes that the additional detail will put it into context. I honestly don't see an issue in people explaining themselves in detail if it means providing context.
This is me, to a T. I never want people to think I’m avoiding them or just not bothered about their lives, so I tend to over-explain the problems that have prevented me from engaging with them. I’d rather they think I overshare than that I don’t care.
I do this too, but it's more of an anxiety/trauma response for me. I spent much of my life feeling like I was not enough, which means I put everyone above me. So when I answered questions, they would be apologetic, almost begging for the other person to not be upset with me (even if it was a benign issue and not confrontational). I'm taking steps to be more assertive and state things in a way that does not appear like I'm asking for permission or forgiveness. Specifically, "I am" or "I will be" rather than "can I" or "sorry, but" etc...
It frightens some people when they encounter someone who is completely open and honest. Oversharing can be dangerous with rigid minds, or those who may take advantage of a disability.
Great comment, absolutely agree.
And sometimes I overshare because I’m socially anxious and the words are out of my mouth before I’ve thought about the effect they might have on myself or others. It’s as though someone else is in control of my mouth! It might be a week later, or longer that I go back to the event and cringe at what I shared. And sometimes I’m just being truthful about a situation where others are being polite and more thoughtful. I do my best to remain silent at times, but that other person in charge of my mouth takes control! I’m trying!!
Definitely overshare more because I'm lonely and have been going through a lot. I think I do it because I want to be understood and respected more.
Yes, I think this is common, autistic or not. That's why I brought up the divorce example. When I divorced I trauma dumped on everyone. In hindsight, I was mortified thinking of what I shared. Many thought of it as TMI and pushed me away, but others "got" it. Eventually, I had someone going through a divorce do the same thing to me. It's actually happened a few times. And I recognized, that at that moment, it wasn't my place to judge, but to simply be there, as other's had been in the past. Some have noted in the comments that my response to such a situation was inappropriate. That I was oversharing by saying anything. But it's all about context. I was speaking to people searching for answers who felt their life was over. Sharing my story, from a healed place, helped them realize they were not alone and that they could survive it.
I hope things get easier for you soon. Just try to be patient with the process and focus on your own self growth. I get that it's a struggle. I don't think we ever really stop struggling....
Keeping things bottled up always makes me feel so lonely and isolated. It's especially hard, because I'm a natural extrovert, who enjoys being around other people, but especially as a kid I would always come on to strong and end up pushing people away instead.
The few times I've found friends I can be more open with, I cherish them so much.
Thank you! Very helpful.
I can't comprehend why would anyone view oversharing as a negative thing. I feel it's a sign of massive trust. And since most people tend not to trust me because of atypical body language and communication, gaining someone's trust is a huge badge of honor.
I tend to agree. The only line I try to draw is whether it's purposeful (which includes letting them know more about who you are are) or whether it's stream of consciousness or venting with no real objective. Being honest and open with people is a positive trait, assuming others are not ill intentioned.
@@ProudlyAutistic Yeah sometimes I have made that mistake many times before, any idea how to best cope with that?
Here might be a complementary view point : I don't think those two concepts are mutually exclusive, Authenticity might be Oversharing sometimes. People can't handle autheticity very often, or authenticity might be viewed as inappropriate depending on the situation and information. Even if it comes from a clear and somewhat objective mind state.
Thanks Karen. I overshare and undershare. Work in progress...forever. Good food for thought.
Conversations with other neurodivergent people can be very interesting and overly intense to the point of causing anxiety. Conversations with neurotypical people often seem boring and stifling and it is difficult to form relationships with them as a neurodivergent person.
I agree with this. I don't mind oversharing, but I've definitely had conversations with other autistics that just divulged waaaay too much too early, like blow by blow childhood trauma in the first 15 minutes of meeting without stopping to breath or make sure I was following. Their experiences were valid and I was empathetic, but it's awkward as I didn't know where to go from there. Definitely anxiety inducing. On the flipside, I've also had some very fun, random conversations that wouldn't fit conventional social norms. Again, I think oversharing can work for a lot of us, particularly amongst other NDs because it's what we do. However, I still think we need to be mindful of whether the person is following along and participating in the conversation (or is more deer in the headlights).
This is brilliant, thank you. I overshared / flooded for all of the above: I'm being diagnosed with autism and ADHD at the moment as I'm about to retire. I also came from a narcissistic family system where full disclosure to the narcissist is expected, and because the CPTSD aspects of being unheard and invalidated within the toxic system made it highly cathartic when someone (anyone) was prepared to listen to my perspective and empathise. Now, on the outside (disowned and disinherited by my narcissistic parent) and having moved away from my friends to an affordable area, I'm lonely and struggle to find someone appropriate. I'm a member of a group for overcoming emotional abuse (where many of us are also neurodivergent) and I don't want to overshare there because we share a core set of challenging behaviours resulting from our trauma, of which flooding others is one, because we have deficits in self-regulation to overcome.
I struggle with venting. It’s so hard to stop myself, and I always regret it later. Thanks for talking about this!
Me being AuDHD myself I hate when I overshare at work.
I don’t see workers as anyone to trust because it is leverage.
The whole “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help in the office” is also leverage for the coworker to take advantage of your good nature.
They will delegate their duties onto you, ask you to cover their weekends, complain if you didn’t do anything.
Unfortunately, we are guilty of opening up because we see them more than our friends and families most of the time. We get comfortable.
I am smart though and don’t share important details.
However, being so articulate and really thorough I still overshare even in a positive convo and they end up using it against you.
“Oh I can’t cover this weekend because I have kids where as he (that being me) doesn’t have kids (because I was gullible to share that info) and now I pay the price.
I do come in smart and uptight enough to be a workaholic but approachable enough to be easy to work with.
I understand where you're coming from. I would not extended that type of kindness to a random coworker, because I agree, it could be exploited. It's a judgement call. For me, they would have needed to demonstrate real adversity in life or neurodiversity for me to even think about opening up. On the flip side, never having anything to say can also be problematic. It can be alienating in the workplace and make you a target. It's a fine line...
I, too, try to think twice before sharing personal stuff in the workplace. A few not so good experiences came from that... especially in the long term.
I have done it in those oversharing frenzies that you regret later. Sometimes I'm just too trusting and only recognize later that I shouldn't have trusted that person that has now leverage over me.
The fact you don't have kids doesn't mean anything. Just stand up to their thinking you'll cover weekend shifts and defend yourself - oh sorry, but I can't cover either, because I have things I care about, too (whatever you do on the weekend - be it sitting at home or not)
I really don't like how frequently traits of autism and ADHD are pathologised. Oversharing is another element of what it means to communicate differently. We constantly seem to be expected to meet neurotypical people where they're at, to meet neurotypical norms, when we simply aren't wired to do so.
Honestly, if I overshare, I'm still mindful of how much I'm sharing and to whom. I'm not going to change the way I comfortably communicate and relate to others because someone is occasionally uncomfortable. We're not sick or wrong, and we certainly shouldn't be made to feel as though we should need to change ourselves for anyone besides ourselves.
If this doesn't fit for other people, if it makes other people uncomfortable, then I simply find new people. I choose for it to be that way and that's my right to.
I agree and I spoke to this specifically near the end of the video. We are who we are. We can't "stop" being neurodivergent. However, we can be mindful of how we present and have tools that can help us in awkward situations. It's not so much about making other people comfortable as it is not making yourself vulnerable to those who might use your words against you.
Agreed. I can't stand the nonsense NTs spew and expect me to act as though I agree and love it. Their communication never has any content and is just about power dynamics and ego dominance. Enough. Shut up. Give me something true.
I am tired of people not realizing that some autistic and ADHD traits are shared with more dangerous nuerodivergent offshoots. For instance sociopaths can fake empathy by retelling stories about themselves that are similar to whatever was just expressed to them. This makes this autistic behavior suspect to anyone who has had a hard time dealing with a sociopath in their lives.
@@ProudlyAutistic: I sorta hate always having to be "mindful". It feels like I always have to have my guard up and never get to relax for fear that my enthusiasm might be perceived by someone else as an overstep.
I'm an extrovert by nature but because I force myself to keep so much bottled up most people, including my own family, treat me like I was an introvert. It's so hard when I so desperately want to be part of group activities, but no one invites me along because they mistakenly think I prefer being alone.
@@EmeralBookwise thank you for saying this! I'm watching the video now and having trouble with it because of this. Always monitoring myself for over sharing also feels too much like masking. And fawning!
A great video. You've included some really good points here 👍
Wow your intro explained the difference between oversharing vs authenticity very well, thank you! I tend to overshare when explaining myself, & I feel frustrated with myself every time, because I know people don't care; but I'd rather that than they think bad assumptions about me. So I'm frustrated for oversharing & frustrated for caring.
I've also encountered NTs that overshared & this confused the heck out of me, because I thought this meant they wanted to be friends; but after about a year of seeing eachother, they basically ghosted
I can relate big time to your second point. Because I overshare when I’m trying to connect with someone, I make the mistake of automatically assuming that when someone else does the same to me, they want to be my friend, when actually they might just want to talk and be heard. I often used to get hurt and confused by people before I understood this.
This is great! Granted, I am not as eloquent as in your example when asking a colleague how she feels about her divorce - I often catch myself forgetting to go through those simple motions of small talk (to my shame) and going straight to oversharing... I'm totally guilty of that, and I'm trying to be mindful and ask questions and give reactions. 'Know your audience' is truly a slogan to keep in mind when conversing with people who aren't your close friends and family. Sometimes I first share a thing I am eager to share with my diary before sharing it with others just to take off the egde of emotion that usually is too big...
I stopped oversharing (almost never do anymore but I used to a lot when I was younger) several few years ago.
Sadly in exchange I am very alone isolated and Don’t interact or talk to people much at all.
Still what helped me was really feeling how cruel and dangerous other people are
The fear prevents my words now.
It's funny watching these kinds of videos as an adult and seeing bits and pieces of myself even though I was never diagnosed as a child... but that was back before there was a concept that these sorts of things could be a spectrum. The doctors would run their tests and decide either you were or you weren't, without much in-between.
Pretty sure I remember at least one or maybe more times my parents being told I was "borderline" and to come back if symptoms worsened but otherwise never being recommended anything else.
This is great! Thank you!
Wow, this was a difficult video to watch! The first half was directly addressing a recent inadvertent oversharing I did on a certain social media platform. I had the best of intentions in putting the post "out there", but after seeing the resulting engagement, which may have been more NT's instead of ND's responding, I was embarassed and ended up deleting the post and thread.
I seem to be of two minds at once. I don't largely talk with people FTF, but in a trusted site, I share stuff with the intention of helping others and for making a connection. And more importantly, it just seems to be of my nature, which goes into what you covered in the second half that oversharing is frequently an aspect of being autistic/ND, and to not beat myself up about it but just be mindful.
I self-identify as on the spectrum at work, but then I give only the information which I feel will be specifically helpful to working seamlessly with me. An example is the following: I have very poor audio processing memory related to tasks and technical information, so I let others know that, if they want me to get things done more quickly and alleviate their annoyances on the job, they will have to send me an email or an IM so I can follow through right away. I also take transcripts from meetings and convert them to notes. This kind of sharing gives others a "user manual" to best work with me.😀
Agree, this is a good approach. At work I also prefer not to give too much information on diagnosis. Instead, like you, I focus on the best way to collaborate with each other.
There are a couple of things not mentioned in the video that I would like to point out before I go on rambling about my own experiences.
First of all, we may share a lot of information in an effort to be crystal clear, open and honest about everything to remove any possible point of misunderstanding. Neorotypical people often interpret this not necessarily as over-sharing, but as over-analysing.
Secondly, I tend to share stuff in bigger chunks than most people. This is not so much about sharing too much or too personal information, but about the fact that neorotypical people tend to prefer dialogue in a way that is very difficult for me as an autistic person. Especially in text I almost always write more at the same time than other people do. I refuse to text chat, since that gives me nothing but anxiety.
Being open has pros and cons. Sometimes people (new connections and friends - I try to learn to be better at clarifying :) )have said to me that they are thankful I have been so open because that has helped them open up to me. But usually it doesn't work. People say I should show interest in the other person and it just talking about myself. By the way, another reason I might talk a bit too much is insecurity and being nervous - I hate being the leader and I seek consolation. The more unsure I feel about myself and the social expectations, the more I talk. The less the other person talks, the more I talk. I understand that especially when texting, people often write less to show that I write in too big chunks. That has the opposite effect on me and I get anxious and desperate and write even longer messages. Okay, so this supposedly means asking questions. But people often don't answer them or they just write "no" without any follow-up. That complete negates the purpose of my question, because it was not the answer to the question I was after, but to let them know that I expect them to open up and talk so that I have a chance to get a sense of who I am talking too! Then I might ask if they have robbed many banks recently (meaning, what is currently going on emotionally in your private life?) and then they just disappear. I joke to release tention and to make the conversation less formal and stiff, but people don't get that. I often ask a bunch of question to show that it is not the answers to the questions themselves I am after, but that I am eager to learn more in a specific area in relation to them. But then apparently, many people, I have learned, interpret this as questioning or an attempt to making an extensive interview instead!! What??? How on earth can we interpret things so differently? People expect specific questions, I expect generaliserad answers - we dont match! For example, if a woman plays the flute I want to know how it is like be a semi-professional flutist in the local orchestra, but she thinks that is too general and expects a question like "so, what are you currently playing in the orchestra?" Neorotypical people wants to start superficially and take it from there. I and many other autistic people don't see it that way. Here I really have to emphasize that just because you have noticed such a general difference and you understand it theoretically died not mean you know how to deal with these issues in practice. I have seen neorotyoical persons misunderstand this. They think that just we are informed, we can take others' perspective easier and find a work-around ourselves. It doesn't work that way! On the contrary, I have found that more awareness leads to more anxiety without any improved cooping strategies at all. (Many aspects of being autistic do get more manageable with age though due to more life experience.)
And yes, usually, I desperately need to talk about something. Even therapists get annoyed and upset. I often go to other therapists to talk about conversations that went wrong with other therapists. I once was very, very stressed and overwhelmed and really needed to vent everything. I went to my therapist (I don't go to her anymore, because it didn't work) and I haven't even talked for two minutes before she angrily interupts me to bombard me with questions! My current therapist don't do that (even though I can't afford more sessions for the moment). She listens to me and let me finish. Then she validates me and first after that gives me feedback and suggestions. As it should be!
I have seen other videos advicing to clarify intensions, expectations and emotions. I suspect that this might be one missing piece of puzzle for me. I must emphasize though that doing this in a fluent verbal conversation with another person is extremely difficult for me and many other autists and for a variety of reasons. I think that in many of these situations people don't understand where I am coming from and I just trust that they will read me.
To return to the subject of the video, I used to feel anxious about over-sharing when I was younger. But then I came to a point where I realised that I don't have to feel ashamed about what people know about me. After that I felt much better about this. I am not taking about over-sharing private information in the local chess club; in such situations I often want to be more open, but there isn't really any opportunities for it. Sometimes it feels vad because I didn't really want to burden people around me, but I also felt that I did the only right thing in that situation. That is when the society fails to give me the support I need and I end up in an emergency situation. An example would be when the neighbors were fighting and I got a shutdown and turn to other people to help me call the police. Some people - even other autists - have been judgemental, but I am actually proud of myself for asking for help from others which was very shameful and difficult for me, rather than doing nothing. However, I don't have this distinction about what is private and not in the way neorotyoical people usually have. It is of course a generalisation and a simplification - there are stuff I don't share to me closest friends or even a therapist - but I am more or less behaving the same whether I know a person or not and that feels good. That is how I am. (Sharing something that I suspect can make a friend extremely uncomfortable or hurt only happen if I feel disrespected and violated and even then that is of course unfortunate.)
The crunch of the matter is if course that due to my problems when it comes to interaction with other people, I don't fully trust my own judgement and when I don't I get stuck in constant anxiety and ruminates over exactly everything. How can trust my own judgement when I know that other people would call me out on stuff if I showed them my conversations? I don't what things, I just know that my perspective is a little bit different. And if I do show them, not all agree. And of course, in order for me to find something helpful, I first have to agree - I can't do things blindly because other people say that it works. (Firstly, I wouldn't be authentic, secondly, if I don't agree I don't understand and will fail anyway when the real empathy is lacking, thirdly, the cost in my mental health would be huge.)
I think that some people may also be more talkative in general. Also unprocessed trauma seems to be a factor. I find I don’t really have this issue anymore but I also have been too closed off, fearful and isolated instead. When I was young I was constantly talking and ‘over sharing’ except for certain very private things. I feel like if people were detailed and authentic the world would be better. I also think sometimes people may not have the time to hear too much as they are in a rush but in general I have sadly erred on the side of assuming people are dangerous and will misuse that information or be cruel so I’ve learned to be more quit and ‘edit’ carefully what I do say. I hope you can find at least one close friend you can ramble on too as it’s very helpful.
very clear and helpful
Thanks for the video and being very authentic. I could see that this was hard to share.
I wish you all the best. 🙂
I’m completely blind, autistic and have complex PTSD. All of the reasons you listed are why I overshare. I don’t always realize I overshare. And being that I also can’t see my audiences reactions, and I rely 100% on verbal tones and cues. I won’t even know I did it because I never saw the look of uncomfort, shock or annoyance on the person’s face, and sometimes they don’t give me a verbal cue, which can make it even more difficult to have a filter. Along with not always having a filter due to being on the autism spectrum.
I am just launching an autistic UA-cam myself! Thanks for this message! I definitely need it now as I create new content. I don't want to overshare! I just can't always tell. You rock, lady
Yeah, I'm definitely guilty of sharing too much, but it's all stuff I've healed from. It's a fine line between being relatable and providing informative content. Good luck!
I just had a chance to check out your channel. It's great! I couldn't find your contact info... please feel free to reach out (my email is in the page bio section) if you'd like to work together on something.
@@ProudlyAutistic thanks! I’ll save it and I’ll reach out soon. Maybe we could collab in the future!
2:41 While I understand the desire to share a related experience because I do the same and prefer that myself, a lot of people complain that you take up the spotlight by inserting anything about your own lived experience until they are done venting and they explicitly consent or ask to listen to your story. Be very careful because that is a recipe for disaster.
Sometimes people don't want to hear anything about what you have gone through because they are not used to that back-and-forth, don't want to feel so vulnerable, don't want to connect with you on that specific topic, or just want to be affirmed and validated and nothing more.
Being AuDHD on the mild spectrum I can play tricks really well because I know how to social mask. When I burn out, they wonder why I am not “me”.
I open up to those I trust and like to work on my toxic behaviors if I see it is healthy and better. I also like to try for myself and those I care about.
You make a really good point about burn out. I should have added that. When I'm burnt out or perhaps I'm not functioning at 100% because I slept poorly, my ability to mask definitely declines significantly. It's so bad that I have to be very careful about interacting with coworkers when I'm feeling this way.
Same life here good luck to you, you deserve it!
Amazing insight lady! Until now I assumed it was just me...ha😅
Oh no, it's definitely not just you!
I'm catching myself more these days when a simple conversation turns into dumping raw data. Sometimes it takes a week after the fact, but, I'm catching it! lol
Yeah...it's so frustrating. It can be hours later and suddenly it occurs to me what I "should" have said. It's a real struggle.
@@ProudlyAutistic I had just been released from an Ask Me Anything and if there’s any means to watch my tongue, it’s for official record. 😅
I overshare when there is awkward silence in conversations or when I feel there is no connection with the other person. Word salad comes out and I try to get them to accept me by being vulnerable. Like Showing them my under belly. Look I am safe. It always makes me feel like I was pimping myself out and I end up pulling away and then they notice my light din around them. You can't win. It hurts
I will watch this later when I’m not drunk. I have so many thoughts! Already
I prefer oversharers :) But yes, I'm learning that some people don't and I should learn these skills so I stay safe in situations (like work).
Yeah, I typically don't have an issue with oversharing as it does help me get to know the other person. And I do it too, so it helps me feel less weird and safe. I think one of the biggest challenges is swinging too far the other way and just shutting down socially. I've dealt with that at work, we're I was deemed "too serious" and it had career ramifications. It's hard.
@@ProudlyAutistic me too :/ sometimes it's easier to not interact at all, rather than risk saying the wrong thing. But then people judge you in other ways. It gets awkward, either way.
In the end, I've decided that it comes down to who is around you. My friends and I overshare all over the place, we don't have awkward silences. We find the right people.
And, to be your own biggest supporter. You can never please everyone.
Easier said than done, and, yeah, work is hard. And knowing WHO you can be truly authentic with and who you need to curb it with. Been burned and blessed with oversharing.
When NT's small talk, it feels like a lot like oversharing to me.
Interesting. I find a lot of NT smalltalk to be rather boring and lacking substance. NDs seem to speed through smalltalk which can be problematic if we share too much without building trust first.
Small talk is like chickens clucking - 'I'm here, you're here, everything is OK, so lets talk weather or sports ....."
NT people seem afraid to open up, as if face-saving is a full time operation. I make a conscious effort to ask people open ended questions about themselves (everyone's favorite topic). If they open up, for begin asking questions themselves, they might be someone to talk to again. If not, move on.
NT people's minds are cluttered with thoughts, problems and personality issues they're not even aware of, so it's not at all surprising that oversharing annoys them.
Agree
Sometimes yes. Especially if they jump from the one subject to the other all the time. But I am guilty if this too.
But what can happen is that I get told that I am very intense and don't let the other person talk. Afterwards I feel like I was talking for three hours with this person and was still not allowed to talk about what I needed and I was the one being constantly interupted and they were doing most of the talking.
I suspect this has to do with a lack of communication about expectations, purpose and feelings, which I mention other where in the comment field. We don't read each other properly and don't try to confirm how we have perceived things. I find that if I have a note with all the stuff I want to bring up and ask if I can do that, it often works much better.
But you have a point, because we autists don't always wanna hear all that small talk all the time. To a certain point it's okay and I do small talk in the beginning when I first meet people too. But then you wonder why are you taking about this? Where are we going? So ...just as I can run over people, I can also let myself be over-run because I don't know how to communicate about it and I think that neorotypical people often just assumes that it works the way they are used to.
thanks so much for recording and sharing this video
Glad it's helpful!
💚
I guess I’m kind of weird in that how I shape disclosure is to teach people how my cognition and emotions work. Because if we’ll be interacting, the other person would presumably need to know about that. I see “meeting people” as a process of modeling each other’s minds. If people don’t participate in that process, then I don’t know how to proceed.
That ties into my theory-of-mind. I don’t know what others think or feel. Where it’s a problem for me is that I can interpret what people say many different ways - but not correctly guess which ones are most likely. I tend to do poorly with aspects of life which people handle unconsciously, probably because I don’t understand why they prefer to be unconscious about them.
It’s often “feast or famine” with me. People sometimes puzzle over how even painstakingly detailed accounts tell them nothing that they want to know, yet at other times it seems to quickly become TMI. To me, meeting people is more about the process than the content, “how” rather than “what”.
Great comment! Yes, I tend to overexplain too, providing way more detail then needed. I simply don't know how to condense it down or recognize what is the most important information during a conversation. In hindsight, yes, I know precisely what I "should" have said, but not during a conversation. So every detail comes out. I mentioned it near the end of the video, but I agree that's important to be as transparent as you can. It's not always bout conforming to other's expectations all the time.
I'm at more risk of oversharing when I'm anxious.
I sometimes say very unusual things that don’t fit what is socially acceptable when I’m having bad anxiety.
I'm so guilty of this.
Me too. I wish I had mentioned this because I think it's common. That and when we're tired/overstimulated and generally can't mask.
You can always make another one. I like these shorter videos
8:21 Yep, that approach rarely works with those who are already guarded around a neurodivergent individual. Simply move on to the best of your abilities.
💯 agree. Still something I did when I was younger and desperate to win people over. I don't care anymore.
I hate when I realize that I have overshared - because that happens - and I tell myself to shut up and keep quiet in social situations for a long time afterwards
Yes. Usually happens to me as the words are coming out of my mouth. A lot of times, I ruminate about situations and script out what to say, including responses that I tell myself I shouldn't use. Guess what's the first thing I say when I have the chance? Every. single. time.
Is it oversharing to go to work and tell people i am feeling out of sorts because my dog hurt herself and had to have an operation and I had to leave her with a friend because I can't stay home and look after her.
No one ever asked how she was doing, so I figured I was oversharing.
i over share out of a desperate desire to connect. it almost feels manipulative since i know why i do it but it also comes out as a compulsion and i can hardly stop it anyway
I agree. I oftentimes find the words unintentionally spilling out, I can't always stop myself. The more I'm aware of what not to say, the more likely I will probably say it. It's frustrating.
Can't overshare with my coworkers if I don't talk to my coworkers 🤷♀️
I have Adhd and I speak whats on my mind and I've had some people who are offput by it and others respect it. I'm not going to second guess what I'm saying and get caught up inside my head.
This was very helpful for me to understand the problems I have with over sharing. Can anyone recommend any good resources (videos, articles, books or more) on understanding the different communication styles of neurotypicals and austistics?
I actually have a video planned for this very topic.
I'm always over sharing with narcissistic people like my ex
Sigh. Yes. Me too.
I wish someone would do a video for when we don’t wish to over share and are badgered until we do. I know I’m not the only person who has this problem. I asked my therapist about it, and she said I come across as attractive and friendly which makes people want to talk to me. However, absolutely no therapist has been able to teach me how to shut down an unwanted personal conversation before it escalates. Do I really have to resort to rudeness at that point?
I volunteer some where where you don't tell about yourself with everyone. I go in and be professional and do what I am meant to do there. I only ask if they are OK and they answer how they are after. I only answer about me if asked. Try to keep outside life and where you are separate.
While I generally agree, it can be so lonely shutting everyone out...
Not good for me. Learned hard not good. Only dx asd but think have adhd …. Thank you 💞👊
I disagree that authenticity is saying "I will be here for you, you can talk to me since I have been thru similar". To me that is the basic sense of Hi, how are you? Im here" Thats not being authentic. Authenticity is sharing oneself. Self expression is what authenticity is, For example, on your birthday 10 people will say "have a happy birthday" but that does not mean they actually want you to be happy. Nor does saying "Im so sorry youre going thru a divorce". All of this sounds so basic and phony. Maybe 2% of people actually mean it and will actually be there for you and actually care about you. Everything else is so fake, certainly not being authentic. You have to recall that all therapists now cost 160-200$ an hour, and thats price gauging that not everyone can afford, certainly not something people can afford everyday simply to just have 'an expression of thoughts" to someone. I dont understand why it is wrong to share. I spent 2 hours talking with a stranger about his life and he loved it, and thanked me for it, even showing me a photo of his grandchild, it made him happy. Yet according to this video he should have kept all of that inside and only waited until he spoke with his best friend.
Workplaces: Just don't share ANY of your personal life. No pictures of family members or even pets on your desk. No religious symbols.. ...don't even eat home-cooked food in front of coworkers. Hide in your car for lunch. Your eccentric food is a topic of conversation.
Your only answer is "fine thank you".
Any extracurricular conversation topics could lead to you spurting out, "I spent the weekend at _______ festival, and I wore ______. And I don't actually like sleeping in a bed with a mattress."
You have to just tolerate them talking about sports and babies, and just nod in agreement without adding any information to the conversation.
Oversharing is a Narcissist playground
Agree!
I don't like being called neurotypical or how your talking about all the people you put that lable on like they are all the same.
Would it be fine with you if I just call you whatever I want without consulting you? What about talking about you like you are just like every other person who doesnt fall under the "neurotypical" lable?
Actually, yes, it would be fine if you called me neurodivergent. Or autistic. Or an AuDHDer. It's all true and not insulting. Are you implying I should be ashamed of that?
I agree that not all NTs are the same. All NT means is that you're in the majority of the population that doesn't have clinical, applied, or acquired neurodiversity. It's part of your identity and not an insult. Perhaps it's new to you, but it is a legitimate term and not "made up." I'm still unclear why you're taking offense to the term that classifies your specific neuroidentity. It's like getting mad at terms used to identify specific ethnicities, genders, sexualities, etc.
Lastly, studies are increasingly demonstrating clear and fundamental differences in how autistics and neurotypicals communicate. So this conversation is valid and not conjecture. There are very clear differences between autistic and NT people, although to your point, not all NTs are the same and not all autistics are the same.
@@ProudlyAutistic If you are reading , thank you.
I did not ask you if I could call autistic or neurodif out or any other specific name. You have been putting a lable on me that I did not pick and I was asking how you would feel if I put one on you that you don't approve of. Asking that question was an attempt to get you put yourself in the same position that I am in when you use lables me that I don't care for.
I don't know what you mean by What I am am implying... if you think I'm trying to hinting at something, I am not.
Besides being called something I don't want to be called, the labels you are using has ingroup and outgroup implications. Implications are are not intentions, misinterpretation, or interpretation.
You are not neurodiverse. The spectrum of autism is neurodeverse. You can call yourself neurodiverse if you want but this will continue to confuse and mislead others. Autism is a disorder and not a neurodiversification.
There’s some great advice here, but also some tough pills to swallow. The clearly stated rules here would be very helpful.
And yeh, posting things creates a downward spiral where I feel bad … but I’m not sure whether I would feel worse being reduced to how people wanted me defined.
I’m actually pretty concerned that society has lost so many of the spaces it formerly had permitting discussion of issues where words didn’t permanently affect our lives. In this way, it honestly seems like everyone is inauthentic online … not that I would expect many to over share. Instead it just seems like it is rare that I see any authentic communication. We imitate patterns we see, so how we interact in online communication is, I think, more normative than other IRL communication patterns we see. Further, for ADD & Autistic people whose interactions are heavily skewed (by people walking on eggshells), this completely blocks us in.
I’m not saying you’re wrong - you’re approaching this in a pragmatic way & advising people to avoid problems.
For me, my family basically never acknowledged anything I said online even though I could indirectly see it affecting their decisions … occasionally. I wasn’t seeking to get this reaction, but I had a ton of problems with them, as they were extremely dismissive of what was more or less self-diagnosis. They were not comfortable with a diagnosis that was favorable. What I’ve learned is that someone who cares will seek to maintain visibility on your struggles and will tolerate some discomfort when coming to an understanding. If they don’t try to find out more or if they punish you for wanting to talk about things, then they don’t care. I dealt with this for a decade and gradually escalated. I wanted to keep things private, but they were “boiling the frog” and wanted my entire life story to be a cautionary tale. Feeling cornered and seeing that everyone else like me in technology making 100,000+ while being treated like an unwanted black sheep made me want to stand up for myself. I kept expecting someone to directly bring up something I posted … but again “zero attempts at visibility”.
Almost no one ever brought up anything that I posted, so I’m assuming that only lurkers ever used the information to harm me or box me in.
The way You put it here would make any anorectic overeat immediately. Making poppy guesses this eatable would get You millions followers as influencer selling them all anything whatsoever. Only: when they all find out, You have to change Your name and hide.🤪
This is a terrible video. Infodumping is bad if it doesn’t accomplish the end you mean to accomplish. If you mean to have more people enjoy your company, don’t infodump, and talk to the degree that they still enjoy your company (wait, how is an autistic person expected to understand every time a person feels uncomfortable?) If you’re looking for a friend you can have fun infodumping about your hobby with without having to constantly monitor their feelings, then you have to let some people know they don’t like you off the bat because neither of you is the friend the other is looking for!
This video isn't just about making friends. Many of us have to work and info dumping indiscriminately can be very problematic for us. It's important to know your audience and know how to set healthy boundaries that respect the needs of both sides. That means you should also expect them to make space for being neurodivergent.
We have autism AND D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)! 🤯 So, what you call ‘oversharing’ is often one our fragmented states of consciousness appearing and announcing itself. And the worst part is that we won’t remember the communication later. There is an amnesia barrier in the brain. We ‘black out’, so to speak. It’s like when you become drunk and accidentally tell people strange stories or like those drugged up people in videos saying off the wall stuff after dental surgery, and . But everyday. 🫤