137 Setting Boundaries with Emotionally Immature People, with Lindsay Gibson, PsyD.
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- Опубліковано 8 чер 2024
- Setting Boundaries with Emotionally Immature People
Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents provides a 5-part process outlining how to set boundaries with an Emotionally Immature Person (EIP). She also talks about how to reinforce and reset those boundaries when they aren’t honored. Dr. Gibson talks about how to determine the optimal physical and psychological distance with EIPs, including examples. Dr. Gibson states what you can say when an EIP says something hurtful.
GUEST
Lindsay Gibson, PsyD.
HIGHLIGHTS
5-Part process in talking to an emotionally immature person:
Ask if you can have some time (10 minutes) for the person to listen to you There are some things I need to tell you I’m going to tell you how I’m feeling, and I’d like for you to just listen and understand. You don’ have to do anything Are you willing to do this? Set ground rules When you (example), I feel (share feeling) Tell them what you need to say following this format: Would you be willing to promise me that You won’t use these words (examples) You will talk to me in private instead of publicly You will say this (example) instead of that (example) Follow up immediately with what you would like from them Would you be willing to try this for me? GUEST BIO
Lindsay Gibson, PsyD. has been a licensed clinical psychologist for over thirty years and specializes in individual adult psychotherapy with adult children of emotionally immature parents. She is the author of four books. Her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents remains a #1 Amazon Best Seller. The follow up to this book is Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and the 2nd edition of her first book Who You Were Meant To Be has been recently released on Amazon. Her latest book, Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, was just released in September 2021. In the past Dr. Gibson has served as an adjunct assistant professor teaching doctoral psychology students, and she writes a monthly Well-Being column for Tidewater Women magazine in Virginia Beach, VA.
PODCAST HOST
Patricia Young hosts the podcast Unapologetically Sensitive, and she works with Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) helping them to understand their HSP traits, and turning their perceived shortcomings into superpowers. Patricia is passionate about providing education to help HSPs and non-HSPs understand and truly appreciate the amazing gifts they have to offer. Patricia works globally online with HSPs providing coaching. Patricia also facilitates online groups for HSPs that focus on building community and developing skills (identifying your superpowers, boundaries, perfectionism, dealing with conflict, mindfulness, embracing emotions, creating a lifestyle that supports the HSP, communication and more).
LINKS
Dr. Gibson’s links
Website- www.drlindsaygibson.com/
Patricia’s links
Website--www.unapologeticallysensitive.com
Facebook-- / unapologetically-sensi...
Facebook group Unapologetically Sensitive-- / 2099705880047619
Instagram-- / unapologeticallysensitive
UA-cam-- / @patriciayoungmsw1056
e-mail-- unapologeticallysensitive@gmail.com
Show hashtag--#unapologeticallysensitive
Podcast editing by The Podcast Distillery Co thepodcastdistillery.co
Music-- Gravel Dance by Andy Robinson www.andyrobinson.com
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It was yesterday that I really understood just how cut off my mum is from her emotional self and I realized she was never ever going to show up for me how I needed her to because she doesn't have the capacity she's highly avoidant with the highlights of being very defensive, during the whole conversation she turned everything around around and made herself the victim, taking one world and running with it, I knew she was avoidant but I didn't know just how much. It was truly heartbreaking to witness the proverbial mask fall off and to finally see her 😢. From my observation, the more avoidant parent will be less likely to work on the relationship because they don't even feel like they did anything wrong, they're stubborn, for them it's a lack of understanding & a lack of capacity, they're caught up in their own maze. The more anxious parent, now that one is most likely going to be willing to work on the relationship because they don't want to lose their connection to you, when you tell them how they've hurt you, they will actively stop doing it or make an effort. It's actually really weird to observe especially if thr avoidant partner appeared to be the difficult parent when you were younger.
I appreciate the conversation about having realistic expectations on the capacity issues. Once you understand that it's a lack of capacity in them, you let go of that magical thinking that you can educate them to be more empathic or caring or more feeling. You adjust your own expectations. It is still heartbreaking nonetheless
Well said- bravo 👏
Exactly same situation for me..
I’ve finally decided to accept it is what it is..
Manage my expectations & simply distance myself..
Tired of being the scapegoat & feeling re- wounded & hurt.
I’m done ✅
Putting focus on healing ❤️🩹 mysejlf, self care, self love 💕
I have boundaries and take leadership with my emotionally immature parents. It works well. But the child part of me resents me having to take that role and having to give up on really being seen by them. It is a huge disappointment and disillusionment. I try and show my child self that they can count on and be seen by my adult self. And I find people with maturity who can support me and see me.
Parents are not entitled to a relationship with their adult children, ESPECIALLY if said parents are harming the adult child.
This is a phenomenally helpful discussion. Like 50 therapy sessions in a single hour-long talk. Thank you so much.
I agree! Thank you 🙏
More descriptive than just the typical narcissistic lectures. Definitely sets the pattern for choosing future individuals in our lives with familiar behaviors.
I think it's quite common for HSPs to forget that others don't have the same ability to open up to emotional depth in relationships as they do. I believe all human beings actually have a desire for emotional intimacy. The issue is that most at this stage of human development aren't consciously in touch with that desire yet. HSPs are the pioneers in this realm. But because of our emotional traumas due to having been related in destructive ways by our emotionally stunted caregivers, our natural, healthy desire and longing for emotional intimacy have become mixed with emotional pain, which has made us even more sensitive, especially as this pain has also been compounded over the course of our lives as we have repetitively attracted even more emotionally stunted people in our lives. So there's a lot of genuine emotional pain and sorrow that is now needing to be met with great tenderness and empathy. Not only pain, but our healthy longing for intimacy is also needing to be fulfilled in real ways. And one of the ways it needs to be fulfilled is by us learning to become that person who provides that depth of emotional intimacy to ourselves. This is the IFS model, in my experience.
I've come to recognize over the years that my traumatized, lonely and unheard parts are longing most of all to be first met by my own Core Self. It's not that there isn't or shouldn't also be a healthy longing for intimacy with other humans. It's that this healthy longing is overlaid or entangled with the traumatized longings of a still-not-fully healed powerless child part who hasn't been fully parented and embraced by my own Core Self yet.
Once we have set an internal standard for how we ourselves (or our Core Self with its 8Cs) relate to our own sorrows and longings, we naturally become better at recognizing those who can meet that standard, who can match us, and those who can't. And little by little, we simply outgrow those who aren't a match. We stop rushing headlong into emotionally intimate connections with people. Our pace becomes more measured, we become more discerning.
❤️❤️❤️ YES! YES! YES! TY!!!
I'm always sad and grieving. I feel hopeless it will get any better, and that makes me even sadder.
Thank you. This is beautifully articulated and very enlightening.💛🙏🏽
In my situation with my immature parents, I dont believe they are incapable of hearing me. Incapable implies they’re brains cant process certain things pertaining to respecting their childs boundaries. They dont seem to have that problem when it comes to respecting other people’s boundaries. Its a choice they are consciously making. In my situation I see that its more about retaining power and control over me rather than respect my autonomy as an adult.
I know this reply is from 9 months ago...but this resonated with me! My EIP parent DOES seem to understand what boundaries are with outsiders. They save the bad, inappropriate or dysregulated behavior for me or other family members that have traditionally NOT ever challenged that behavior. As Dr. Ramani says in her UA-cams about narcissistic parents, many of them are intelligent, sentient human beings and they KNOW what they are doing! They may not WANT to be that way or may have experienced trauma that made them the way they are, but they still know what is or isn't appropriate, but CHOOSE to act badly and expect their enmeshed family members to stay in their roles and accept the behavior without consequences...
I've decided to go no contact with my father and very low contact with my mother. My focus is on recovery and healing and this conversation offered so much of that. Thank you.
No contact was the best way for me.
This is extremely helpful.
The dread and anxiety regarding my mom was something I lived with for years into my adult life. The way she describes the anger and grief coming later is exactly how it happened to me. Like she said, you’re used to swimming in these waters. This is such great information. Thank you.
This conversation needs to be shared far and wide! I feel like people are condemning others as being broken and narcissistic or controlling when in many cases, they are emotionally immature. When you know better, you do better! Yes! I’m trying to raise my kids to emotionally maturity. Thank you. I will be sharing this podcast with all my reflective peeps.
Boundaries are meant to control our own behavior. If somebody is not hearing, it is our responsibility to walk away. They are not as effective, stated as they are with action.
Even the sound of Dr Lindsay’s voice and demeanor are so healing for me. She counteracts the pain from my emotionally immature mother. Thank you!!
Please continue to have Dr. Gibson on your show and this type of content with other experts. Thank you so much!!
Yes, she is great.
Thank you so much for bringing this topic to people's attention. There's a lot of talk lately about narcissism and I think people are inaccurately/overly labeling emotionally immature people in this way.
Having had both prominently in my life, I can see the difference is subtle but still massive.
I think a good topic of discussion to add to this would be the shame that is often (inadvertently perhaps) put on HSPs for sometimes being introverted and even recluse. There's such a negative stigma to being alone in our society that it can often make one feel like there's something "wrong" with you, when in actuality, you're probably just living your life in the most safe way you know, ie. protecting yourself.
I would add lastly that I've seen many many shrinks (of different types) and all would gently throw the "antisocial" label at me, and try to encourage me to "just get on out there and meet people, come on?!, you're attractive"
I cringe at those moments in offices and so wish that I had the awareness on this podcast to share with them at the time, or perhaps more, just with myself...
Again, thankful this podcast exists. I've a little over a 100 episodes to listen to. 😉
Excellent advice--getting their permission within a 10 minute period. Then describing what we are are doing. Would you be willing to listen--and that they don't need respond immediately--but just listen. When you told me that, it made me feel small--would you be willing to say THIS instead of THAT. Modelling the behabior I love it all. Very classic teacher pupil prep for any lesson. Goes straight towards lesson prep.
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH PATRICIA
🎁 🎁 🎁
This is an amazing interview, your questions and Lindsay answers are extremely useful to my healing journey from my EIP = mother
Especially I am finding a lot of help regarding the boundaries setting and the repetition of them instead of bottling up my feelings and then feeling depressed or angry. Seeing her as a 4 years old is helpful too so I now know what to expect and stop looking for something I will not be able to get.
Thank you 🙏
My mind is blown. I’ll need to listen to this a few more times, then do some research on HSPs. So we are literally talking to people (Immature) who are incapable of thinking prior to talking?
Are you describing Covert Narcissism?
Can anyone recommend a video about a parent who suffers feeling pain emotionally and or physically and then feels relief causing pain elsewhere ie her daughters. She's vengeful, vindictive, causes trouble, drama, makes stuff up, jealous, disloyal, self sabotage, thinks we're all stupid, crying for days and weeks about dead people she either didn't know or didn't actually like when they were alive. She's a hoarder and doesn't see it. Collecting and storing stuff she doesn't know what it's for. Endless projects and stuff that never turns into anything. Unrealistic and unreachable. This not very tall women has managed to destroy four generations of relationships. She prides herself as being a black witch with superpowers to make people ill or die if they've wronged her. She doesn't stop talking and she never self reflects for self improvement. Only reflection is to try and remember the mistakes you make or why something is your fault. "It was ok until you touched it" She's completely destroyed my relationship with my sisters. Unfortunately they all had a three way together throwing me under the bus. Sometime ago I asked about her behavior and she said she was jealous that I met my partner. She said she felt like she lost me. (I was 45 ffs). I'm 58 now and she's 78. It all feels just too late to unpick it. I've tried so many times with my sisters but the damage is done. My mum has been turning me over for 20 years and I'm only just seeing it too late 😢 I feel sorry and sad for my sisters. We could have been so close and supportive but instead we're divided. The rest of the family have suffered too especially the grandchildren. Don't have children if you're not emotionally capable of taking care of them. My mum said we weren't cuddly babies - that's why our childhood was sh't.
don't you sometimes think that were somewhat not normal either, because of our parents / childhood neglects.. I catch my self thinking that I am pretty normal but it can't be! all this sadness , neglects f ..d up family relations how can we be normal/ behaviour !! after all the years in my childhood and long after feeling uselessness, self worth, all other negative personal growths .. how can I possibly still normal..!? so they're thinking the same, nothing wrong with them..
I am a horderer now ! almost 50 had very Sad Childhood then married a Man he is full on emotionally immature after 15 Years ... I wish I could rewind my Life and just suicide to end my suffering on this Planet.. I feel like I shouldn't be here, I don't deserve to Live .. Then I see human beings had much sadder and bigger Traumas in their Lives ! They're strong and cooping and showing no issues at all ! How and what they do different !!! Is that what we choose as a cooping mechanism!? Maybe some of us choose to be Victims !?
I know I did all my Life !!!
Victime hood - Versus Emmotionaly immature both are extrems
Sounds like a narissist. Check Dr Ramani
Thank you Lindsay for saying we don’t “attract” EIP’s
I mean, there are so many everywhere that it’s impossible not to bump into them. Especially when they might be part of your family. We need to educate ourselves to spot them more quickly and be ready to respond in a healthy way. Great talk! I continue to learn and understand more with every podcast Lindsay does.
Why would you stay in relationship with someone who continuously acts like a child or who lacks the empathy needed to care about how you feel?
Because you've been married to them for 61 years. You think you yourself must be doing something to cause it. Your hoping he changes. And you depend on each other financially. Those arebjudt a few. It wasn't until a few years ago that I could put a name to it, narcissistic.
Is it really the task of the child of an immature parent to also educate them on top of or in addition to the grief of the impact the behaviour of that parent? You educate your own parent as it was your own child?
Exactly what I was thinking.... If someone was to put all this energy into an adult... There's no time/energy left for their own child,career , life, mental health. I tried that... Big surprise I have no children, partner, career. I went NC recently as a last resort during my JD. Surprisingly, I'm doing good when I don't have to babysit 24/7. Very good
I have same questions in my mind! These immatures are like blackboard. No matter what you write on it it gets erased. Screw that! I better put my energy into my real children! Only rigid boundaries can work with these EIPs and distance.
it’s the task they fall into but def not healthy. if you read gibson’s ACoEIP book she says children often fall into that role but to much dismay. you don’t owe them education. dr. gibson advocates for going into each interaction with an attainable personal goal, not with the intent to change the parent’s mind.
I tried to do this over years and years it didn't work.
OP, you put it so well. Totally agree. Then add a partner to the mix who we're invested in but had a blind spot to their EIP behaviours. So that's a 3rd adult we're educating. And let's remember - our efforts will get them to baseline at best - at best! So forget having your own self growth supported or needs validated.
Thank you for this. Very helpful and informative. 💜
Excellent and so practical.
Hi Lidsay
I love how you outline the boundaries that need to be set and reinforcing them. I’m doing a summit on how to create a happy and healthy home. I would love for you to come and share some of your view points.
Would that sound like something you’d be interested in?
This is really helpful. Thank you. ❤️
Excellant, Excellent talk!
This was an excellent conversation, thank you for sharing this with us!
I'm feeling scolded near the end when Dr. Gibson explained the steps of setting boundaries, as if I was supposed to know how. She makes perfect sense and it's so incredibly helpful to know NOW. But over all these years I would become emotionally disregulated when my mom couldn't hear me. Why aren't the adult children taught this??????? As if I was ever taught!
It's only now we found out we are all like you learning late im 63 yrs of the suffering of nor knowing how to
As adults, we don't know what we don't know until we discover it. Better late than never.
Do you think this sensativety awareness, questioning & grief also happens in relationships where you are dealing with emotionally immature parents in laws? Who become central parenting figures even when you & your partner are grown? My partner was abused by emotionally immature parents who are in their life daily. They are still doing it. I see it & them as I recovered a lot with my own parents immaturity & it's impact on me. Now I am finding I am in a similar spot just now I am an adult. Working to help my emotionally immature partner to understand & heal from his parents immaturity that impacts our relationship & at times me too.
Enjoyed learning so much!
Hey so can this broken record technique apply to eips who name call?
Can you do a podcast how
The emotionally impaired will goad and goad someone into reactive abuse to hide their abusive behavior. These tricksters run the world. I can predict that what I observe now _ is to simply assume the opposite true of what i observe and to what comes out of peoples mouths they mean the opposite When do we get to wake up _ from this nightmare.
I have these people at work, at home, at school,at the grocery store ,- in all stores, _ my parents,my siblings,my managers,my coworkers,my friends.
Your very fortunate if u can find a real friend. When this stuff started to happen to me _ I was exposed to a bunch of people from the ' Rosemary Baby movie- Roman Polansky movie _ It's a template/pattern for learning how to have power and control over a person's mind and behavior _ it's quick sand _ it's done on purpose.Its Satan.
My siblings are hopelessly bound to having surface level conversations. It drives me nuts to stay small around them when I seek more. Also, can you find a way to drastically cut the number of ads that have popped up during this podcast? Ty!
I have no control over the ads. I don't even get paid for ads run here. If you want to listen without ads, you can either go directly to my website unapologeticallysensitive.com/unapologetically-sensitive/ or listen on a podcast player (Pandora, Audible, Spotify, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, iTunes etc.).
🙏❤️
How do I find information on dealing with an emotionally immature spouse please?
May I recommend youtube videos by Leslie Vernick? I have learned and grown stronger because of her many videos on distruct I've, dysfunctional marriage.
@@sandranovakovich688 Awesome- Thank you so much! It can be so crazy-making!
Good content too many advertisements
Thanks. I have no control over the ads. I don't get money for the ads that are run. If you want to listen without ads, you can either go directly to my website: unapologeticallysensitive.com/unapologetically-sensitive/ or you can listen on Pandora, Spotify, iTunes, Audible, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, or any other podcast player. If you are hearing ads, it's the platform that is playing them.
Hmmm
If someone ( usually women Gets into a relationship with a man and then start s to ask for 'space' they woman is not genuine. Don't be disrespected.
what do you do with people who have had good relationships long term with parents and see your ability to be without that as some kind of loss, when it is a gain. Why do women feel the right to judge after putting you on the spot about your personal life
Could you reframe it in your mind to take out any blame towards you? It is a loss not to have good long term relationships with your parents. It's sad. That's true, and you can agree with the person saying that. But then add, either out loud or just to yourself, that you wish you'd had parents who could make that possible, but have gotten to the acceptance part of grief.
Does that make sense? Your ability to be without it is both a gain and a loss. It's a gain because *with the parents you got* it's better this way. However, in an ideal world your parents would be mature, and it's a loss to have missed out on that nurturing.
having parents seems to keep them infantile and dependent. they don't need to develop. they point out what is missing in your life in comparison. I would like to point out they are missing an education or hobbies or helping beyond their own family, instead of pouting and waiting for their grandchildren. spotlighting and controlling people upon first meeting in order to establish ones role in society is gagging. @@er6730