Very helpful. What's interesting is when my husband blows up and yells at me over something really small (I cut up the veggies too small while helping him cook?) I'm really calm, and will tell him 'calm yourself' 'stop yelling' and am very composed *in the moment*. It calms down quick because I don't yell at him in return. But hours later, I'm fuming, furious and resentful and slam things around the house, and start thinking he yelled at me because he disrespects me, and end up confronting him later and persisting to argue with him hours after the fact. It becomes a vicious cycle of pointing out each other's worst flaws, and it's never resolved -- he thinks I'm wrong for making silly mistakes, I think he's wrong for disproportionate anger over misheard instructions. He can't get over my error and I can't get over my injured pride after being yelled at. How to break this cycle?
This is very reminiscent of an exBF who would yell at the top of his lungs just bc I asked him a question. It would get so bad sometimes I would sit with my hands over my ears and hum in order to try to drown him out. He was so loud, I could still hear him. I was very traumatized by this experience and it took me years to process it.
Hi Valtressa, This is awful! I'm really sorry to hear this and I wouldn't put it past you to have some kind of traumatic stress. If you can still hear him yelling in your minds eye, that can be regarded as acute stress. I knew a family like this. Traumatizing in many ways. You never get over it.
I can't imagine living in a family like that & can't get away from it as I did. When I first left, I just supressed that experience. It was years later that I realized that not only I was traumatized bc when there people around arguing, I would feel like I would break out in hives. Of course they weren't really there, just a feeling. It wasn't until last year that I was told that is an anxiety attack. I have processed this now. No more supression and much self care.
+Valtressa Washington It's good to hear that you recognize what the experience did to you and know selfcare can serve as maintenance of the healing process. Thanks for watching!!
I believe my partner my have this disorder. It really resonated with me when you stated "a person with IED receives nothing in the exchange". Most often, my partner is embarressed and remorseful a short while later. Any rate, we were in couples counseling because I was in individual therapy, I had gotten so depressed and anxious I was barely eating or drinking. The passive aggressive comments, the inability to have the same flow of mood, a small mistake like asking him to repeat himself would anger him...I couldn't take it. We started couples counseling and it finally came to a point where he realized he has trouble with emotional responses. His mother asked if I think it could be bipolar disorder, but I think she is confusing the symptoms and I said I wasn't comfortable trying to diagnose him, in reality I'm coming here to figure out how I may know how to deal with it or better understand it. I really believe he has IED, and I don't know how to live with it. I'm very empathetic and have alot of past abusive traumatic relationships. So when I'm being gaslight, or yelled at or spoken to in a condescending tone or made to feel stupid by snide remarks, my impulse is to want to flee. I have done so when it gets to be incredibly too much. I'll retreat elsewhere for the day or night. But when I do stay, my vagus nerve is so affected, that I get heart palpitations, tremors and extreme stomach aches. It has gotten so bad that our therapist recommended me to move back to my parents for the week to regulate and see how I feel and decide if this is something I want to continue and for my partner to remain in our place and for him to do some self introspection. I have no idea of what to do. I love my partner but I'm terrified of always feeling afraid of what's next or being shamed. I just want peace. My partner is set on receiving the help he needs, but I just don't know how much my body, mind and heart can handle. Any advice or suggestions?
We both deserve basic safety and a peaceful home. Be careful: I got 2 death threats from my male housemate " if he ever thinks I'm going to leave" him.
@abidah7226 I left officially 2 months ago. It never got better. I was getting physically and mentally sick to the point of not eating, sleeping or drinking. I developed severe anxiety and depression. My answer was to listen to my gut and leave. It hurts and im not fully healed but I don't live walking on eggshells. I'm on the right path now.
@Kateykurzawa5419 , I hope you when you have times or mementos of feeling lonely or sad or depressed you will sigh a sigh of relief for feeling a sense of peace now that you are not living with someone who bullied you. I bet he didn’t bully people who could kick his ass.
@@kateykurzawa5419Hi Katie. I'm struggling with the same issues. Your comments have given me a lot of peace in making the decision I will have to make. Thank you. I'm ready to feel calm again
I'm learning so much from you, so fast: I just remembered my housemate's m.d warned mehe has intermittent explosive disorder but also ADD and recently substance abuse disorder. Wisdom is for me to stay quiet, to reduce great odds of his impulsivity resulting in him attacking me (big guy). Great advice.
Man, this video was very informative. I believe my friend has this. The dude flips out at the smallest things. Like sniffing. I woke up one morning and sniffed a few times and he flew into a rage about me sniffing. It's not just sniffing either. It's tiny things like little bits of sugar being in the coffee jar due to falling off the teaspoon or not rinsing plates after using them and so on. It can be the most mundane thing on the planet but he has an inability to regulate his anger and flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it's so bad I don't even wanna be his friend or live with him anymore. I'm a passive person who hates confrontation. The fact that he resorts to aggressive confrontation and potential violence over the stupidest things, makes me incredibly uneasy about every interaction I have with him. I'm afraid one day I'll snap in response and resort to force to make him stop...
Thanks for sharing this!!! An angry response stirs up wrath in others. Therefore, the angry person’s behavior effects others negatively until they get it under control! Poor impulse and thought control are at the root of it! For that reason I meditate or seek moments to calm myself throughout the day!!! Gone head and share more of this info!!
Hello! Thank you for making this video. It is really clicking for me in regards to my husband. He yells all the time. I feel like I am often walking around on eggshells, hoping to not trigger him, and the majority of the times my kids don’t want anything to do with him. Every morning there is yelling. And it seems we can’t do anything without him getting mad about something before we leave the house and I’m really tired of every special moment being tainted by his anger and I really worry about how it is affecting our 2 and 4 year olds. I don’t think I ever heard him yell until we had kids and now it is constant which is why I started looking and stumbled on this video. I don’t think I ever heard him yell until we had kids and now it is constant. It seems like it’s the lack of control (toddlers are chaotic) that really triggers him. He has ADD and in college (could all his concussion have something to do with this too?). But I’m wondering why this didn’t present until at all in the first 6 years of us being together? He has always snapped at his mother a lot, but it’s only been in our home since we had kids. What can I do? I’m very unhappy with how things are now. Do I just wait it out until the kids are older and things are less wild? I hate that our little people are getting yelled at constantly.
You're welcome. I'm glad this was helpful! It sounds like his anger is out of control. I often tell my male clients (who are often fathers of the children I am seeing) that their anger is a sign that something under the surface is going on. Anger is the external or outward expression of something inward. I would suggest counseling or pursue your own counseling and invite him to one of your sessions. If you do teletherapy he may be more willing to participate. That's really the only thing you can do. You can also work with the therapist to help you create boundaries and set expectations for the home environment. Take care
Hi! I suffer from major depression and I also have add. I often feel angry or irritated with my family or small things that don’t turn up the way I predicted and, few times I get aggressive. That scares me a lot because I have a father who has episodes of anger (fury really) and used to beat us when I was growing up. My father is normally very calm but when we least expect he blows up with extreme anger. I hate him and I’m afraid I’m going to turn up exactly like him when I can’t control myself. Your videos are great, thank you!
Hi Liu Bliu, Thank you for watching!! This is a tough situation because sometimes the behavior is learned (from watching the behavior) and/or genetic (emotional reactions are determined by biology and impulsivity). It may be helpful to find a good therapist who can help you identify what is what and work with you on prevention. Take care
I think my husband has some form of this or other PDs. He had an abusive mother and passive father. My husband has explosive episodes. He doesn’t think he is having them. But our kids and I say otherwise. Today he had a tantrum because he didn’t have the patience to tackle a project that’s needs priority attention. I’m not sure I can take this anymore. Married 26 years. This started during dating but not frequent enough
You've hit every important topic that has influenced me in some way. Thank you love! + the music is a +. Are you going to do more trauma videos in May??????
+truth4utoda 😊 Thank you! We will be doing more videos on trauma over the summer months but, as I stated before, everything on this channel has a foundation of trauma informed care. Thanks for watching!
Your videos are great & very informative. Im in relatioship with someone who has been thru trauma & hasnt healed. As I have done alot of internal work. Its hard to see yoir loved one suffer & not want to grow out of their own suffering😏
I have been deal with this in my relationship of 2 years. I have been very explosive in situations that anger me. I recently distorted my whole engagement over this disorder. I hate my self for what I have done and I haven’t been able to eat just sleep all day. I’m going threw a depression and I need help to get my mental health back first then my family!
I'm so sorry John. The good part about all of this is that you recognize what the problem is and you seem willing to work on things. I encourage you to seek out therapy with a therapist who is specialized in managing individuals with anger and/or is specialized in family therapy. It may sound counter-intuitive to start "family therapy" by yourself but you can learn a lot from a therapist who understands the family unit and how things within families can complicate matters. Take care
I recognize this in myself .didn’t really notice as a child ,but as an adult and married my then wife hit me with a basket in Walmart and I reacted by grabbing the cart and pushing it aside;then she was angry the rest of the day because of my reaction . Saying I embarrassed her,so then for the next several hours I was being verbally attacked until she started putting her hand in my face and I quickly without a thought grabbed her wrist and twisted almost breaking her arm . I quickly let go but the damage was done emotionally for her and marriage wasn’t salvageable
I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like she was pushing all of your buttons. Women should never be hit or "roughed up" but she seemed to cross the line, based on what you are sharing here. I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like marital counseling may have helped clear some things up, but then again, would it really?
I think someone I know has this because he’s almost 29YO and ever since the end of 2019 he has been having random and unexpected outbursts full of anger and certain things he sees or Remembers makes him so mad that he can’t control it and he starts breaking things around the house.
I have IED. I know that what I do is wrong and emotionally hurt the people close to me, even though I love them and would do everything for them. Im trying to do whatever I can to calm down and avoid my bursts, but cant seem to manage. This is creating a lot of anxiety for me and my loved ones. Please help me find help 🙏😞
I love this IED topic, it's extremely helpful. For your upcoming new topic on May, I will dearly appreciate if you can address food addiction. Thank you doctor. 😊
I’ve had IED since I was 13 now 32 only diagnoises 2 years ago I’m in Australia and little seems to be known about this and finding professionals that have even heard of it well I’ve found 1 in 19 years was incorrectly diagnoised for years and I was never convinced those diagnosis I gave up for years I have also been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder after being around some horrific stuff now so have notices past 7 months it has gone to the extreme again like when I was a teenager Police have been involved for family violence and looking at charges they see it as trying to put fear and hurt my family was only diagnoised 2 years ago and it’s almost impossible to fix both in such a short time let alone find proffessonal help.
Hello ma’am, I actually see two therapists a week for severe OCD and other severe anxiety disorders and I also have extreme PTSD because I’ve been abused before and multiple ways and I am married to somebody that has severe intermittent explosive disorder and it’s very hard because I’ve been abused so I don’t know what to do with him because it makes things a lot harder on me because I get triggered because of certain things he does. I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do when I am a victim of abuse and he can be very verbally abusive. He did finally start seeing a therapist a week or two ago now. I try very hard to be supportive and be here for him. However, my therapists are very concerned about my well-being, especially because of how bad his IED has gotten. I know that it is a very difficult disorder and I’m very scared because it’s very hard for me to deal with everything because I get triggered all the time. Of course it doesn’t help that I’ve family members in a four year period. most recently my nephew passed away last October, so it’s been very hard to get any type of comfort or support from him in a very long time. I do appreciate your video. I’m just trying to find answers for what is someone in my position supposed to do? I will tell you it does seem like my mental health disorders are not a big deal to him, especially when he is having an episode. I have tried to explain to him that I’ve been triggered so bad that I have seen multiple things happen to me while he’s doing what he is doing. I also wanna make it clear that I do understand that he does have this disorder and I’m sure it’s very hard because I know mental health disorders are very hard. There have been a lot of people keep telling me I should leave him, but I haven’t because I know he’s mentally ill but me having my disorders definitely does not make me feel safe and it makes it very hard for me to be around. I have to deal with my disorders.
Wow I know it's been 3 years and I hope things got better but you described my situation exactly. I have endured so much abuse and trauma in my life that I can't help but react defensively or have outbursts myself now after years of walking on egg shells and trying to keep my mouth shut. Now I get crazy angry back and he has just gotten more and more violent. I am trying so hard because I love him so much but his disorder is destroying me. I don't know what to do to help him or us. I'm so heartbroken and I feel divorce might be the only option but it kills me because when we are good he's my best friend in the world, my lover, my protector. When it's bad he's the one I need protection from. I just wish someone could help us and do something. 14 years together and I feel like I'm losing it all. I wish I could have been calm forever but I just couldn't. I feel it has created anger in me.
My husband is very aggressive this morning he called me really nasty names told me he hated me and he wished I would die. This happens very often and when I don't respond how he wants me to it gets worse. He always tells me I'm stupid and lazy. He will throw things if he gets really angry. He blames me for his outburst and once he is done with his anger he expects me to be done also. If I'm not he will go back to being angry and usually it gets worse the second time around. He will apologize and if I don't drop it he just cusses at me. I don't know what to do.
I am 100% confident this is what my wife has! How do I get her help if she doesn't want it? Also I am getting concerned that my daughter sees alot of this behavior and may have issues as she gets older. I'm running on fumes and not sure how much more I can take of this toxic marriage...
Hello Tamara, I stumbled upon your excellent video trying to seek answers as to why my partners father is the way he is. She has just had a very traumatic dealing with him a couple of days ago (name calling, swearing, shouting and throwing objects) that has resulted in us being kicked out of her parents house, all over absolutely nothing I might add. They have had a history of these kind of dealings too. We are really hoping we can get him the help he needs but he refuses to acknowledge he has any problems and instead puts all of the blame on others for setting him off. Do you have any suggestions on how to approach from here on to try and help him and to talk him around to get the help he so desperately needs? Thank you and keep up the great work you are doing in bringing your knowledge to the masses.
Thank you Graham!! Really glad this is helpful. It sounds like he is using a form of displacement where he takes his unacceptable actions and places them onto others as his anger can be justified if he blames something as the trigger. Classic tactic for sure. It's hard to work with these people. It might be best to gather evidence of his behavior and create a papertrail. Get his outbursts on camera or audio, set firm boundaries and keep them, expect him to act out and remain calm, and consider therapy for yourselves to learn skills. take care
Thank you for this great question. I think the first step is admitting that you have an anger management problem. You have done that here. The second step is seeking out psychotherapy or at least getting into something that can help you reflect on your behaviors while being accountable. An example of this would be an anger support group, an educational group therapy that teaches skills, or getting involved with a spiritual advisor or mentor who can talk you through your anger. You didn't just become angry.It's been a lifelong thing, perhaps. That means that it won't just go away. You have to work at it and sometimes fail before it gets better. Take care
After seeing this video I can honestly say my wife has it. She flips over small triggers daily my life's om her roller coaster and I can't get off. I'm to the point of divorce as the answer.
@@bp996959 she may be bi polar to I've been trying to have her speak with a therapist about her anger to see if they can guide her the right direction. One day she's angry at the world and hates me and the next day she's sweet.
@@joshuab2706 you’re not alone. Had our wedding celebration today two months after getting married. She was the happiest I’ve seen her in awhile. We get in the car and I mention a problem with the headlights not working and she blew up. She becomes a completely different person, like she hates me. I don’t know what to do. This video helped. Don’t feed onto it. But it is hard when someone is treating you so badly.
I belive my husband have IED but its my personal opinion. I asked him to wash my puppy towel and he instantly go so mad that he came upstairs and threw my 2mth pup accross the banister outside. We are only married for 18months and Im not sure what else to do! What do you suggest?
Get your finances in order and run if at all possible. Otherwise you may eventually get trapped in it, making very difficult to escape. I've been dealing with this for almost 15 years and it's exhausting, also very scary and dangerous at times. If you're lucky it'll get better from time to time but it never truly goes away, even if they work on their problems. After a while you just become numb to it and lose your sense of self and purpose. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, they're always doing more in their eyes, you will never be thanked for cleaning, cooking, chores, anything. You will only be met with criticism about how lazy and horrible you are. Run and don't look back.
Thank you. I keep feeling terrible by my reactions to people I love and I am in good terms with, all of a sudden I will react extremely aggressive from one minute to the other and I myself am shocked at my disrespect and anger. I keep ruining relationships with people I love. What do I do? I feel horrible 😞
Is there anyone who overcame this with their partner? I keep hearing the bad outcomes. I have this and I want to get better so bad for my family. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’ve tried 3 medications one was for depression and found out I was missed diagnosed. The other one made my private hurt and the last one I had rashes. I’m giving up hope.
@@Eyecandyzee we are on the same page. now crying in my bed because i kicked out my boyfriend over a hot tray i dropped with mushrooms on it. im so afraid one day he'll say enough and leave. let me know if you find a solution.
I feel that since I was very little I was very sensitive and when I would get angry I would cry and slam doors to get attention if I didn’t get the attention my tantrums would get worse but even as a teen and now as an adult it still happens at times I’m on Zoloft because my doctor thinks I have generalize anxiety disorder I just feel that when I’m alone iam more safe because I can’t control rude comments I say to my family and husband without realizing it I say it I act without thinking It’s more that I say things without thinking that I might affect or hurt someone with my words until I say it I realized I should have not said it But theirs days im really calm but that’s only when I take my vitamin b12 I also have thyroids and psoriasis which causes me to be very tierd and irritated For example when I get no time to myself I tend to explode And I say rude mean things to my husband for no reason
But Zoloft seems to not be helping I feel more upset and very tierd and irritated But once I take my vitamins b12 I calm down My question is how can I control my anger irritated explosive emotions As a student I was always calm and never got introuble Not super social but I did have friends But at home I would easily get upset for example if my mom didn’t take me to eat were I wanted and instead we had to go weren’t sister wanted I would get upset One time I was so angry that I left without telling anyone and walked home by myself when everyone was looking for me Zoloft keeps me calm but sometimes iam still irritated And I find it hard to go anywhere because I think I assume I will be judged I tend to not watch what I say and even though I don’t mean what I say I upseted the person For examples my sisters know me and just ignore me but iam a mom now and want to change Since I was small I would get these symptoms I would cry for no reason And even as an adult at work I would cry if someone said something rude to me
That's a difficult call sometimes because perhaps you have good reason for exploding in anger? This is something I would track and see how many times per month or week you struggle with this. Then you could mention it to a therapist or your PCP who can possibly offer suggestions.
Do you know someone with an angry, explosive attitude?
If this video was helpful, please remember to like, share, & comment 😊
Very helpful. What's interesting is when my husband blows up and yells at me over something really small (I cut up the veggies too small while helping him cook?) I'm really calm, and will tell him 'calm yourself' 'stop yelling' and am very composed *in the moment*. It calms down quick because I don't yell at him in return. But hours later, I'm fuming, furious and resentful and slam things around the house, and start thinking he yelled at me because he disrespects me, and end up confronting him later and persisting to argue with him hours after the fact. It becomes a vicious cycle of pointing out each other's worst flaws, and it's never resolved -- he thinks I'm wrong for making silly mistakes, I think he's wrong for disproportionate anger over misheard instructions. He can't get over my error and I can't get over my injured pride after being yelled at. How to break this cycle?
This is very reminiscent of an exBF who would yell at the top of his lungs just bc I asked him a question. It would get so bad sometimes I would sit with my hands over my ears and hum in order to try to drown him out. He was so loud, I could still hear him. I was very traumatized by this experience and it took me years to process it.
Hi Valtressa,
This is awful! I'm really sorry to hear this and I wouldn't put it past you to have some kind of traumatic stress. If you can still hear him yelling in your minds eye, that can be regarded as acute stress.
I knew a family like this. Traumatizing in many ways. You never get over it.
I can't imagine living in a family like that & can't get away from it as I did. When I first left, I just supressed that experience. It was years later that I realized that not only I was traumatized bc when there people around arguing, I would feel like I would break out in hives. Of course they weren't really there, just a feeling. It wasn't until last year that I was told that is an anxiety attack. I have processed this now. No more supression and much self care.
+Valtressa Washington It's good to hear that you recognize what the experience did to you and know selfcare can serve as maintenance of the healing process.
Thanks for watching!!
Thank God you got out of that!!
Wow I left my husband for everything he did to me. This man almost killed me but he didn't by the mercy of the Lord
I believe my partner my have this disorder. It really resonated with me when you stated "a person with IED receives nothing in the exchange". Most often, my partner is embarressed and remorseful a short while later. Any rate, we were in couples counseling because I was in individual therapy, I had gotten so depressed and anxious I was barely eating or drinking. The passive aggressive comments, the inability to have the same flow of mood, a small mistake like asking him to repeat himself would anger him...I couldn't take it. We started couples counseling and it finally came to a point where he realized he has trouble with emotional responses. His mother asked if I think it could be bipolar disorder, but I think she is confusing the symptoms and I said I wasn't comfortable trying to diagnose him, in reality I'm coming here to figure out how I may know how to deal with it or better understand it. I really believe he has IED, and I don't know how to live with it. I'm very empathetic and have alot of past abusive traumatic relationships. So when I'm being gaslight, or yelled at or spoken to in a condescending tone or made to feel stupid by snide remarks, my impulse is to want to flee. I have done so when it gets to be incredibly too much. I'll retreat elsewhere for the day or night. But when I do stay, my vagus nerve is so affected, that I get heart palpitations, tremors and extreme stomach aches. It has gotten so bad that our therapist recommended me to move back to my parents for the week to regulate and see how I feel and decide if this is something I want to continue and for my partner to remain in our place and for him to do some self introspection. I have no idea of what to do. I love my partner but I'm terrified of always feeling afraid of what's next or being shamed. I just want peace. My partner is set on receiving the help he needs, but I just don't know how much my body, mind and heart can handle. Any advice or suggestions?
I know this was a year ago, but did you ever get your answer?
We both deserve basic safety and a peaceful home. Be careful: I got 2 death threats from my male housemate " if he ever thinks I'm going to leave" him.
@abidah7226 I left officially 2 months ago. It never got better. I was getting physically and mentally sick to the point of not eating, sleeping or drinking. I developed severe anxiety and depression. My answer was to listen to my gut and leave. It hurts and im not fully healed but I don't live walking on eggshells. I'm on the right path now.
@Kateykurzawa5419 , I hope you when you have times or mementos of feeling lonely or sad or depressed you will sigh a sigh of relief for feeling a sense of peace now that you are not living with someone who bullied you. I bet he didn’t bully people who could kick his ass.
@@kateykurzawa5419Hi Katie. I'm struggling with the same issues. Your comments have given me a lot of peace in making the decision I will have to make. Thank you. I'm ready to feel calm again
I'm learning so much from you, so fast: I just remembered my housemate's m.d warned mehe has intermittent explosive disorder but also ADD and recently substance abuse disorder. Wisdom is for me to stay quiet, to reduce great odds of his impulsivity resulting in him attacking me (big guy). Great advice.
That's really good to hear! You're welcome and thank you.
Dealt with this for 22 years. Finally got fed up. Dont care what the diagnosis is. Going to live my life happily.
I don't blame you for getting tired. Most people do. It's exhausting.
Man, this video was very informative. I believe my friend has this. The dude flips out at the smallest things. Like sniffing. I woke up one morning and sniffed a few times and he flew into a rage about me sniffing. It's not just sniffing either. It's tiny things like little bits of sugar being in the coffee jar due to falling off the teaspoon or not rinsing plates after using them and so on. It can be the most mundane thing on the planet but he has an inability to regulate his anger and flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it's so bad I don't even wanna be his friend or live with him anymore. I'm a passive person who hates confrontation. The fact that he resorts to aggressive confrontation and potential violence over the stupidest things, makes me incredibly uneasy about every interaction I have with him. I'm afraid one day I'll snap in response and resort to force to make him stop...
Thanks for sharing this!!!
An angry response stirs up wrath in others. Therefore, the angry person’s behavior effects others negatively until they get it under control! Poor impulse and thought control are at the root of it! For that reason I meditate or seek moments to calm myself throughout the day!!!
Gone head and share more of this info!!
Absolutely! Very good point!
Hello! Thank you for making this video. It is really clicking for me in regards to my husband. He yells all the time. I feel like I am often walking around on eggshells, hoping to not trigger him, and the majority of the times my kids don’t want anything to do with him. Every morning there is yelling. And it seems we can’t do anything without him getting mad about something before we leave the house and I’m really tired of every special moment being tainted by his anger and I really worry about how it is affecting our 2 and 4 year olds. I don’t think I ever heard him yell until we had kids and now it is constant which is why I started looking and stumbled on this video. I don’t think I ever heard him yell until we had kids and now it is constant. It seems like it’s the lack of control (toddlers are chaotic) that really triggers him. He has ADD and in college (could all his concussion have something to do with this too?). But I’m wondering why this didn’t present until at all in the first 6 years of us being together? He has always snapped at his mother a lot, but it’s only been in our home since we had kids. What can I do? I’m very unhappy with how things are now. Do I just wait it out until the kids are older and things are less wild? I hate that our little people are getting yelled at constantly.
You're welcome. I'm glad this was helpful!
It sounds like his anger is out of control. I often tell my male clients (who are often fathers of the children I am seeing) that their anger is a sign that something under the surface is going on. Anger is the external or outward expression of something inward. I would suggest counseling or pursue your own counseling and invite him to one of your sessions. If you do teletherapy he may be more willing to participate. That's really the only thing you can do. You can also work with the therapist to help you create boundaries and set expectations for the home environment.
Take care
😢
Hi! I suffer from major depression and I also have add. I often feel angry or irritated with my family or small things that don’t turn up the way I predicted and, few times I get aggressive. That scares me a lot because I have a father who has episodes of anger (fury really) and used to beat us when I was growing up. My father is normally very calm but when we least expect he blows up with extreme anger. I hate him and I’m afraid I’m going to turn up exactly like him when I can’t control myself.
Your videos are great, thank you!
Hi Liu Bliu,
Thank you for watching!!
This is a tough situation because sometimes the behavior is learned (from watching the behavior) and/or genetic (emotional reactions are determined by biology and impulsivity). It may be helpful to find a good therapist who can help you identify what is what and work with you on prevention.
Take care
I’m sure that you won’t. Just being completely aware of where you think you are is already a good sign you’re nothing like him
My husband, but if you ask him, he'll say he's the most patient, understanding person he knows! Lol
I'm sure. Lol That's usually how it goes.
Lol
This is my husband as well. He has IED but acts like he's the most kind caring person. Its like WTF
My husband too. Your videos have helped. Currently taking the break you suggested. Thank you
You're welcome!! Very glad this was helpful.
I think my husband has some form of this or other PDs. He had an abusive mother and passive father. My husband has explosive episodes. He doesn’t think he is having them. But our kids and I say otherwise. Today he had a tantrum because he didn’t have the patience to tackle a project that’s needs priority attention. I’m not sure I can take this anymore. Married 26 years. This started during dating but not frequent enough
thank you so much for this breakdown.
You're welcome!
You've hit every important topic that has influenced me in some way. Thank you love! + the music is a +.
Are you going to do more trauma videos in May??????
+truth4utoda 😊 Thank you!
We will be doing more videos on trauma over the summer months but, as I stated before, everything on this channel has a foundation of trauma informed care.
Thanks for watching!
Interesting video, thank you.
You're welcome!
Your videos are great & very informative. Im in relatioship with someone who has been thru trauma & hasnt healed. As I have done alot of internal work. Its hard to see yoir loved one suffer & not want to grow out of their own suffering😏
Hi Jeanette,
Thanks so much!
I agree. It is really hard. You just want to rescue them.
Great info and very helpful.
Thank you! Glad it was helpful!
Video starts at 01:05
I have been deal with this in my relationship of 2 years. I have been very explosive in situations that anger me. I recently distorted my whole engagement over this disorder. I hate my self for what I have done and I haven’t been able to eat just sleep all day. I’m going threw a depression and I need help to get my mental health back first then my family!
I'm so sorry John. The good part about all of this is that you recognize what the problem is and you seem willing to work on things. I encourage you to seek out therapy with a therapist who is specialized in managing individuals with anger and/or is specialized in family therapy. It may sound counter-intuitive to start "family therapy" by yourself but you can learn a lot from a therapist who understands the family unit and how things within families can complicate matters. Take care
I recognize this in myself .didn’t really notice as a child ,but as an adult and married my then wife hit me with a basket in Walmart and I reacted by grabbing the cart and pushing it aside;then she was angry the rest of the day because of my reaction . Saying I embarrassed her,so then for the next several hours I was being verbally attacked until she started putting her hand in my face and I quickly without a thought grabbed her wrist and twisted almost breaking her arm . I quickly let go but the damage was done emotionally for her and marriage wasn’t salvageable
I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like she was pushing all of your buttons. Women should never be hit or "roughed up" but she seemed to cross the line, based on what you are sharing here. I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like marital counseling may have helped clear some things up, but then again, would it really?
I think someone I know has this because he’s almost 29YO and ever since the end of 2019 he has been having random and unexpected outbursts full of anger and certain things he sees or Remembers makes him so mad that he can’t control it and he starts breaking things around the house.
Oh my! That's tough and I wouldn't put it past the pandemic to have influenced his anger a bit too.
I have IED. I know that what I do is wrong and emotionally hurt the people close to me, even though I love them and would do everything for them. Im trying to do whatever I can to calm down and avoid my bursts, but cant seem to manage. This is creating a lot of anxiety for me and my loved ones.
Please help me find help 🙏😞
I love this IED topic, it's extremely helpful.
For your upcoming new topic on May, I will dearly appreciate if you can address food addiction. Thank you doctor. 😊
How can one avoid ied. I almost killed a friend and I didn't even know what I was doing
2:50 An inability to control emotional reactions to triggers.
7:10
I’ve had IED since I was 13 now 32 only diagnoises 2 years ago I’m in Australia and little seems to be known about this and finding professionals that have even heard of it well I’ve found 1 in 19 years was incorrectly diagnoised for years and I was never convinced those diagnosis I gave up for years I have also been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder after being around some horrific stuff now so have notices past 7 months it has gone to the extreme again like when I was a teenager
Police have been involved for family violence and looking at charges they see it as trying to put fear and hurt my family was only diagnoised 2 years ago and it’s almost impossible to fix both in such a short time let alone find proffessonal help.
Hello ma’am, I actually see two therapists a week for severe OCD and other severe anxiety disorders and I also have extreme PTSD because I’ve been abused before and multiple ways and I am married to somebody that has severe intermittent explosive disorder and it’s very hard because I’ve been abused so I don’t know what to do with him because it makes things a lot harder on me because I get triggered because of certain things he does. I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do when I am a victim of abuse and he can be very verbally abusive. He did finally start seeing a therapist a week or two ago now. I try very hard to be supportive and be here for him. However, my therapists are very concerned about my well-being, especially because of how bad his IED has gotten. I know that it is a very difficult disorder and I’m very scared because it’s very hard for me to deal with everything because I get triggered all the time. Of course it doesn’t help that I’ve family members in a four year period. most recently my nephew passed away last October, so it’s been very hard to get any type of comfort or support from him in a very long time. I do appreciate your video. I’m just trying to find answers for what is someone in my position supposed to do? I will tell you it does seem like my mental health disorders are not a big deal to him, especially when he is having an episode. I have tried to explain to him that I’ve been triggered so bad that I have seen multiple things happen to me while he’s doing what he is doing. I also wanna make it clear that I do understand that he does have this disorder and I’m sure it’s very hard because I know mental health disorders are very hard. There have been a lot of people keep telling me I should leave him, but I haven’t because I know he’s mentally ill but me having my disorders definitely does not make me feel safe and it makes it very hard for me to be around. I have to deal with my disorders.
Wow I know it's been 3 years and I hope things got better but you described my situation exactly. I have endured so much abuse and trauma in my life that I can't help but react defensively or have outbursts myself now after years of walking on egg shells and trying to keep my mouth shut. Now I get crazy angry back and he has just gotten more and more violent. I am trying so hard because I love him so much but his disorder is destroying me. I don't know what to do to help him or us. I'm so heartbroken and I feel divorce might be the only option but it kills me because when we are good he's my best friend in the world, my lover, my protector. When it's bad he's the one I need protection from. I just wish someone could help us and do something. 14 years together and I feel like I'm losing it all. I wish I could have been calm forever but I just couldn't. I feel it has created anger in me.
My husband is very aggressive this morning he called me really nasty names told me he hated me and he wished I would die. This happens very often and when I don't respond how he wants me to it gets worse. He always tells me I'm stupid and lazy. He will throw things if he gets really angry. He blames me for his outburst and once he is done with his anger he expects me to be done also. If I'm not he will go back to being angry and usually it gets worse the second time around. He will apologize and if I don't drop it he just cusses at me. I don't know what to do.
My husband too. I tell my ball-and-chain to go back to ButtHole Land where he belongs.
The same is happening with me
I am 100% confident this is what my wife has! How do I get her help if she doesn't want it? Also I am getting concerned that my daughter sees alot of this behavior and may have issues as she gets older. I'm running on fumes and not sure how much more I can take of this toxic marriage...
I lived the same with my husband
Hello Tamara, I stumbled upon your excellent video trying to seek answers as to why my partners father is the way he is.
She has just had a very traumatic dealing with him a couple of days ago (name calling, swearing, shouting and throwing objects) that has resulted in us being kicked out of her parents house, all over absolutely nothing I might add. They have had a history of these kind of dealings too.
We are really hoping we can get him the help he needs but he refuses to acknowledge he has any problems and instead puts all of the blame on others for setting him off.
Do you have any suggestions on how to approach from here on to try and help him and to talk him around to get the help he so desperately needs?
Thank you and keep up the great work you are doing in bringing your knowledge to the masses.
Thank you Graham!! Really glad this is helpful.
It sounds like he is using a form of displacement where he takes his unacceptable actions and places them onto others as his anger can be justified if he blames something as the trigger. Classic tactic for sure.
It's hard to work with these people. It might be best to gather evidence of his behavior and create a papertrail. Get his outbursts on camera or audio, set firm boundaries and keep them, expect him to act out and remain calm, and consider therapy for yourselves to learn skills.
take care
What can I do on my own to get my impulsive explosive anger from continuing to destroy my life and relationships? Without medication
Thank you for this great question. I think the first step is admitting that you have an anger management problem. You have done that here. The second step is seeking out psychotherapy or at least getting into something that can help you reflect on your behaviors while being accountable. An example of this would be an anger support group, an educational group therapy that teaches skills, or getting involved with a spiritual advisor or mentor who can talk you through your anger. You didn't just become angry.It's been a lifelong thing, perhaps. That means that it won't just go away. You have to work at it and sometimes fail before it gets better.
Take care
After seeing this video I can honestly say my wife has it. She flips over small triggers daily my life's om her roller coaster and I can't get off.
I'm to the point of divorce as the answer.
@@joshuab2706 does she have Bipolar?
@@bp996959 she may be bi polar to I've been trying to have her speak with a therapist about her anger to see if they can guide her the right direction. One day she's angry at the world and hates me and the next day she's sweet.
@@joshuab2706 you’re not alone. Had our wedding celebration today two months after getting married. She was the happiest I’ve seen her in awhile. We get in the car and I mention a problem with the headlights not working and she blew up. She becomes a completely different person, like she hates me. I don’t know what to do. This video helped. Don’t feed onto it. But it is hard when someone is treating you so badly.
I belive my husband have IED but its my personal opinion. I asked him to wash my puppy towel and he instantly go so mad that he came upstairs and threw my 2mth pup accross the banister outside. We are only married for 18months and Im not sure what else to do! What do you suggest?
Get your finances in order and run if at all possible. Otherwise you may eventually get trapped in it, making very difficult to escape. I've been dealing with this for almost 15 years and it's exhausting, also very scary and dangerous at times. If you're lucky it'll get better from time to time but it never truly goes away, even if they work on their problems. After a while you just become numb to it and lose your sense of self and purpose.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough, they're always doing more in their eyes, you will never be thanked for cleaning, cooking, chores, anything. You will only be met with criticism about how lazy and horrible you are. Run and don't look back.
Thank you. I keep feeling terrible by my reactions to people I love and I am in good terms with, all of a sudden I will react extremely aggressive from one minute to the other and I myself am shocked at my disrespect and anger. I keep ruining relationships with people I love. What do I do? I feel horrible 😞
Do you think that the anger is a response to lack of communication with spouse
Is there anyone who overcame this with their partner? I keep hearing the bad outcomes. I have this and I want to get better so bad for my family. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’ve tried 3 medications one was for depression and found out I was missed diagnosed. The other one made my private hurt and the last one I had rashes. I’m giving up hope.
@@Eyecandyzee we are on the same page. now crying in my bed because i kicked out my boyfriend over a hot tray i dropped with mushrooms on it. im so afraid one day he'll say enough and leave. let me know if you find a solution.
I feel that since I was very little I was very sensitive and when I would get angry I would cry and slam doors to get attention if I didn’t get the attention my tantrums would get worse but even as a teen and now as an adult it still happens at times
I’m on Zoloft because my doctor thinks I have generalize anxiety disorder
I just feel that when I’m alone iam more safe because I can’t control rude comments I say to my family and husband without realizing it I say it
I act without thinking
It’s more that I say things without thinking that I might affect or hurt someone with my words until I say it I realized I should have not said it
But theirs days im really calm but that’s only when I take my vitamin b12
I also have thyroids and psoriasis which causes me to be very tierd and irritated
For example when I get no time to myself I tend to explode
And I say rude mean things to my husband for no reason
But Zoloft seems to not be helping I feel more upset and very tierd and irritated
But once I take my vitamins b12
I calm down
My question is how can I control my anger irritated explosive emotions
As a student I was always calm and never got introuble
Not super social but I did have friends
But at home I would easily get upset for example if my mom didn’t take me to eat were I wanted and instead we had to go weren’t sister wanted I would get upset
One time I was so angry that I left without telling anyone and walked home by myself when everyone was looking for me
Zoloft keeps me calm but sometimes iam still irritated
And I find it hard to go anywhere because I think I assume I will be judged
I tend to not watch what I say and even though I don’t mean what I say
I upseted the person
For examples my sisters know me and just ignore me but iam a mom now and want to change
Since I was small I would get these symptoms I would cry for no reason
And even as an adult at work I would cry if someone said something rude to me
That’s my new bf. I don’t know what to do 😢 breaks my heart
I have intermittent explosive disorder
I think I have it
That's a difficult call sometimes because perhaps you have good reason for exploding in anger? This is something I would track and see how many times per month or week you struggle with this. Then you could mention it to a therapist or your PCP who can possibly offer suggestions.