What is "breadcrumbing"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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- Опубліковано 6 кві 2020
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If you refuse the breadcrumbing treatment by calling them out, they will gaslight you by saying you're needy and being too high maintenance.
Oh my! That's my mother in a nutshell!
Assholes. :/
On my he told me this as well! Even told me I'm too emotional for calling him out on his breadcrumbing on me....feels terrible now that I see it
I spent two years of my relationship wondering whether I was too high maintenance while my then-boyfriend spoiled his ex and refused to treat me like his partner. Watching narc & enabler parents in action, can really screw up your idea of what a relationship should be like. I look back now and really wonder why I tolerated such behavior
Omg! My ex husband is like that! He would say I’m high maintenance and demands too high standard
Empaths, the full loaf is not coming ... & you deserve more than breadcrumbs.. I hope you understand this.
"The full loaf is not coming." I really appreciate you saying this.
Thank you!!!!
No kidding. ☺️
Yes. Leaving a Narcissist when we thought he was the love of our lives and sacrifice our planned out lives we worked so hard for, our hopes and dreams to follow him and the future faking ... when l left l knew that nost probably l was going to be alone and rebuild from 6feet underground only in the hope of just staying with my head above the water. Those kids he claimed to love so much, he never cared for and he abandoned once he realized l was done. There will just be no more avuse, but the damage done, the heaviness of having lived a life of slavery...thats all we have left. Consider that abundance.
I Can't do This Anymore. If I have to throw away all technology, move again, chain myself to a chair. This has got to End. I'm watching videos about Narcissists, their tells, their cons, their behaviors, and about me, you - the Supply - Everything, and I continue to think about him, not to miss any of the hell of being with him, just caring about how he's doing.
It was my deepest misfortune to have the occasion to speak on the phone wuth his mother, an Evil, Evil, Nasty, Hateful Person. He, over time shared things she'd done, said to him, the hatefulness and name calling! And then, to hear voice after 3 years together. Her words to me, never having met me, were sooo, so egregious, seething & hateful, bitter & cutting, degrading, blaming- Everything you would never say to ANYbody, and this was our 1st conversation. After that experience with her, I knew he Needed love, compassion, tenderness and understanding & safety from Her! I though with enough of everything that he could heal, despite all evidence saying otherwise. Those nuggets/breadcrumbs, times when he seemed better, all devolved again and again. I know that he will likey never heal from and certainty as long as he continues to be in contact... Oh wow. Neither will I. 😕
I think a "confession" or an "I'm sorry" can be a breadcrumb as well.
Even an "I love you" can be too.
They say “I’m sorry”? Lol
There's a lot of truth in the saying "talk is cheap".
@@daafy6390 RIGHT 😆 🤣 😂
They don't mean the "I am sorry part"
“The relationship is only working because you are on board with them.”
SO TRUE.
I actually just said this to my sister explaining why my husbad and have been "getting along" lol
Its sick....
@@maribella2139 It's hard for people to understand how true it is when they are not in the same situation.
@@harveymalice yes! I thought the relationship was working until I realized the lie I was living. Hope I can heal. Sending positive vibes your way too
💯 true
It's superficial working from outside view
Can you imagine if we learned these things before we became adults? I would have been so much happier.
They should teach it in high school!
Spot on!
I wish , books for all ages were available , especially when the world seems for narcissistic people.
If you show kindness, to the incorrect people , they won’t show mercy.
I’ve been saying this…. This is the sort of thing kids need to learn in High School… it would have benefited me far more than trig
Should be required learning before graduating high school.
The longer you stay the less breadcrumbs they give you.
They don't want a relationship they want a 'Situationship' they want you to be readily available to meet their every want and whim with minimal or no effort on their part. They are soulless monsters with nothing to give and nothing to offer you.
Well said! I was so confused about this guy I was dating. It didn't make sense to me, how he thought everything should always just suit him, with no effort on his part. I thought maybe he just lacked life-skills or something... so ("helper" that I am), I tried to talk through it. A waste of time. It came to nothing and, as you say, the breadcrumbs thinned-out more and more as time went on.
yes real life vampires i never knew about who i was with until i saw dr ramanis videos so eye opening everything she says describes him to a T- i finally left him 1 month ago -never been happier
Absolutely
Truth
You are right. We are strictly utilitarian. When I began to see the light and began to rediscover myself and regain physical and mental health, he began an 8 year silent treatment. Once I asked him to attend counseling and set boundaries, he moved out. They only want a one- sided situation.
Growing up in a Narcissistic household a quote that really touched me went something like, “When we aren’t served love on silver spoons, we learn to lick it off of knives.” I can’t remember where I heard it from or who said it, but this is honestly how it feels loving a Narc. Even if it’s painful, we look for any bit of love then give us, and carefully learn to retrieve it
That's a great quote
The fact that i relate to this makes is funny....thankful am over that
That quote is so powerful and on point. Thanks for sharing! (Good imagery that I can remember)
Put like that shows it all along with the pain and danger we are placed in.
When you've been in a narc relationship and then are finally free, it feels like coming up for a breath of air after being held underwater for so long.
yeah!
Indeed
It can, but it can also be very painful, if you deal with codependency, like I do. Recovery from a narc relationship also takes a lot of grief and self-reflection, which can be painful. I wish it can be easy to feel relief, but not all of us can easily recognize our own self-worth. We tend to not know who we are, after a narc relationship. This is just speaking from my own experience.
I flew to Australia to get away from mine.
I’ll never forget the first night in Australia, the first night of my new life really. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Freedom. That was the first good night’s sleep I’d had in about 4 years
Narcissists show you things and an exciting world just to later take it away. They are not there to build with you, they are there to take from you
This comment deserves a thousand thumbs up
exactly! just part of the show
So deep. So true.
So true
It's Lucy from Charlie Brown. How many times does she place the football down only for Charlie Brown to trip when she pulls it away before he can kick? What's interesting is that Lucy was based on Charles Shultz's wife: ua-cam.com/video/-RghziC5GME/v-deo.html
In short, "breadcrumbing" conditions us to feel grateful for the mediocre and even guilty for just the little!
exactly. it frees them up to focus on themselves and do little as far as our needs.
My narc loves to travel, he's just perfect on those trips... I'd honed in on this priot, just so easy to spot, he pays for all, aok by me the homebody, I've sent him packing/travelling alone countless times, one thing's for sure, eggshells are world wide!
A I Thank you 🙏🏻 you saved me 20 minutes 😂
Too true! Always made to feel you ‘owe’ them for the help you didn’t even want in the first place but felt forced to not say no! And yes it literally is only crumbs anyway!
So, thing is asking questions. Maybe it's not s thing people learn how to do growing up with those types of people. I was on my own to solve any problems. So i just tried to stay free from any.
I call this "Dangling the proverbial carrot of HOPE". It's ENDLESS.
😞😞😞😞😢😢😢😢
Funny you say that, I actually texted to narc “Keep dangling yourself like a carrot and I’ll eat you whole.” he replied “I’d love getting eaten whole” and I said “Psychologically” then I did; I blocked him 2 days later after exposing him for what he was. 3 whole weeks it took to figure him out.
@@Cr8ive453 😂.... They really are slow as slugs figuring out that you have more braincells talking to each other than they do. I remember asking my ex, near the end of our relationship, "How stupid do think I am?". He didn't reply. I'm sure it got him thinking though.
Omg I've literally been saying the same thing
When the narcissist breadcrumbs, we empaths have victim's amnesia. That's the term i use for those times when he's acting all great and we seem to forget all the bad stuff... Temporarily. Its amazing how our brains can do that. Im a psychologist and I'm amazed at how I could suddenly forget all the mean and nasty behavior when he'd act like the man I thought I'd married.
I can relate to this, absolutely
Right, we do. Maybe you can start your own channel? I'd follow.
I can relate 🙀
@@BxAngee Aw, thanks. This really isn't my area of expertise, which is why I'm watching so many videos about narcissism! I primarily work with kids, teens, and young adults as well as parents. I am thinking of eventually doing parent coaching as well because I work a lot with parents on improving their kids behaviors.
@@buckigal4506 you are welcome. Honestly, I'm in search of all of which you just mentioned. 🙄
The breadcrumbs appear just when you are about to walk out...
Yes
You are perfectly correct!
They always do don’t they
Absolutely, just to reel you back in.
Exactly. Planning out and suddenly he wants to book a trip because he knows I love to travel. But I’m wiser now. Won’t take crumbs anymore.
A narcissist wants you to leap oceans for him/her.
On the other hand the narc makes you feel guilty for leaping a puddle for you.
How accurate sad but accurate
That’s a good analogy of how their massively inflated ego (ironically an overcompensation first their deep insecurities) makes them view the world/others
They also have an unlimited supply of "hoops" for you to jump through to get their crumbs!
Or they exaggerate what they do for you
AMEN!
17 years of marriage. I just wanted a hug. You know, the kind you can feel the love. Never got that hug....
Hugs to you my dear. Im stuck in for 14 years. Im glad the problem is him not me. I was gaslighted all these years.
Self love and self care is very important.
I had a narcissistic friend who would only call me when she wanted to visit me. I have a nice apartment by the beach and she found it convenient to spend her holydays for free with her whole family. And I also had to accept her agenda, meaning her vacation days. There was no negociation and her other friends (who were narcissists too) were her priorities - she would always ask them when they could meet with her, but not me cause I was supposed to say yes to whatever her crumbs. She thought I was desperate to see her. Fortunately, I opened my eyes and I said NO to the narcissist's bread crumb-ery.
Same. Mine was service based. I was great to be hit up for brainstorming, graphic design skills (they were an entrepreneur starting new businesses), good for cheerleading their ideas, etc. Couldn't be on hand one time and zoop! Out of the picture.
I cried today and my mom thought I was crying because I missed him but I was crying because I can’t believe I put myself through it. 😢
Yes...I know that all too well
How very sad x
I know the feeling. 💔 I've cried those tears Tuesday. 😢
I’m a mom that has watched my daughter go through getting married young to a guy that was 15 yrs older and had a son from one mother,a younger daughter from a mother that was a heavy alcoholic. I told her the generational difference would be an issue. Her Dad told him when he asked to marry her was he was concerned he was marrying her to help raise his kids. How true that was. One lived 55 miles away w mom and he wanted him with he and my daughter. He was a bit on the sissy side and was not big trouble but needled my daughter with non compliance and a husband that would not back her up. I feel bad because I was not around them very much,as we were busy working and I watched my mom x4 years. She would always ask what she should do about her hubby not complying with requests, not helping when the little girl grew into a thug smoking weed instead of running track or surfing with them. I wish I had more of this info then. I had Parkinson’s and didn’t know it. She developed crohns/ ulcerative colitis and he was basically keeping her at home a year recuperating from huge surgery,being burdened ,drinking more and more. Little thug moved in with us for a year til age 18. She had issues and temper tantrums but not w us. Why!? My daughter said hubby would agree to a plan and never stick to it. Same with everything. She had to plan,do the work,the son was 27 and was told for 2 years to save to move out. Drinking increased. The son moved in w gf and they were pregnant in 3 months. As baby date approached,hubby drank more, missed his “best friend” his son,the girl is allowed to dismiss her stepmom,and now us,the step grandparents. My daughter,I think,has abusive spouse syndrome,but the diagnosis is bipolar. She was simultaneously fighting severe intestinal disease and a forever mental health disorder. She’s so serious about reading,listening to audibles,doing the work,and has decided if she goes “ home” things will get back to normal. Normal mistreatment from an alcoholic that doesn’t think he has a problem.I’m more upset daily and don’t want her there.
I hope you're better now!🧡
The initial love bombing was so great that when the narcissist takes his mask off and you start to be mistreated and discarded, you grasp at those breadcrumbs, hoping things will return to that point in the beginning. It’s very malicious and it’s the reason people have such a hard time getting over narcissists. Your mind and heart is stuck back there in the love bombing, hoping you’ll get back there. But nothing you can do will fix it. It was never real in the first place.
Yup!
The sooner you realize it was a bait and switch, you were lured and the reality is this is how it is. There is no going back, there is nothing to go back to, it was just an illusion to hook you. What you see is what you get.
My X sad she was too busy to be in love. Which was hurtful. And I felt that snuffed out our love but now I realize that was her way of stopping the love bombing phase. Essentially she was too selfish to continuously love me back. It never came back. Occasionally she would bread crumb me. I wish I new about this so I could have been more conscious. She wanted me to use fake tanning lotion but I thought is might be bad for you. She made it into some kinky sex game with the lights down low. Which crossed my boundaries. She was always very concerned about my looks. Trying to control what I wore. Then she put on weight. I never said anything. She was definitely a hypocrate.
This explains everything.
Mental Deviant smh. I think you’re right. She used “too busy to be in love” as an excuse to take her mask off.
They're psychos...No normal person plays these games. They just go with the flow..Narcs are master manipulators from the pits of hell.
My very first relationship was with a narcissist, and the way I would screenshot EVERY time he sent me a nice message to reread later when I felt unloved. I came across those photos stored on a cloud one time, and it was eye-opening how those screenshot dates went from once a week, to biweekly, to monthly. Narcissists love to dangle that fantasy you're holding on to in order to keep you interested.
Whattt the heckkk.... Broo!!! For real??? This is sooooo soooooo TRUEEE!!!!! DAMNNN 💯.... I have almost a 1000 screenshots..
Yes, they are testing how far they can go. To see where your vulnerability begins, to use it in the future. I am autistic and I really can't stand too much sensory input. Obviously she needed to move my Home-Office desk, without asking, to the cat litter box. :) Asked her friendly to move it.. "No, the cat was first here! There is no space for it anywhere else!", "What about the place where my desk stood before?"... Silence.
She said: "it's so nice to cuddle when going to bed" yes I did agree. Shortly after she asked if it's okay, if she turns her back to me, when going to bed. I did agree... She never ever faced me again.
In the beginning of the relationship, we where only at my place. She said, we should hang out more often at her place. I did agree. We never ever went to my place again, because cat would be lonely now.
She said, i needed to come to every family gathering of hers. Her family gatherings now happened every weekend. I said, i think we should make this even: once you're family, once mine. She said, she doesn't see a reason why she should come to my family, while I'm not coming to hers. I did put up my boundaries and grey rocked her till she decompensated and presented to me her protest behavior. "Bad news for you, it's not enough for me anymore, so I decided to break up". I accepted and left. Her eyes became big like a super nova. It was a bluff to break me, she threatened this on a weekly basis. It was the transition from entrainment stage to enmeshment. In between the breadcrumbs: "you know that I would say yes, would you propose to me!" But i was warned, she once proudly reported, that she's done this with every guy. Some guys threatened to kill themselves after. Friday is my day with my friends. Period.
"You know, that I would never cheat on you!". Yeah, of course Shoshanim.
Oh my god!!!! I've literally just gone no contact with the narc in my life, after 3 years of scraps - and I did exactly the same with the screenshots 😢
dang. This shook me just now lol. I do this same thing. Idk if my girlfriend is a covert narc, but I know I have an anxious attachment style and she has an avoidant one, so I screenshotted nice things to remind myself I wasn’t crazy for pursuing her because it was reciprocated (this was before we got together) but also to remind myself that she can and has been loving.
Every once in a while I go back through them (I stopped screenshotting in the last few months after we became official) and fall in love again through our little moments. But I do worry sometimes about breadcrumbing-I am watching this video after all 😂
I took a Job as a caregiver for a lovely lady experiencing dementia . I observed how caring her husband with her.. After working in their home for about 2 weeks..her husband commented to me that he sure hopes I'm appreciated at home. I watched a normal loving relationship ,and after 37 years of breadcrumbs the light bulb finally went on and i got the courage to file for divorce! Today I'm happily married to a loving appreciative husband who has helped me gain my self confidence back. We both say its nice to know what marriage is supposed to be.
Thank you for sharing that. Gives me hope...
Oh my gosh. 16 years married and the last two months i finally realized he was a narcissist. He breadcrumbed me for the full 16 years. The only thing that made me cry when he and I would argue was when I said “I am such low maintenance and you can’t even do the least little bit to try and make me happy.” Divorce has been filed. I’m done with this famine.
Exactly.. they can not do the least little bit to make you happy... its all about them
And in my case his family, to him, was always more important then me. But from what i can see is they are a family of narcissists. He has taught me I have value.. through all the tears and confusion.. everything Dr. Ramani says is i now know where i am in this relationship.
Enjoy your new life! Best wishes!
I find myself binge watching these and it's hard to believe I settled so long getting nothing but bad luck with the crumbs. I stayed for 16 years too, I am just realizing less than a year later after me leaving, how much of a narcissist he truly is. I have so much healing to do. I hope everyone who has moved on finds peace and new found joy.
One afternoon I was hanging out clothes to save money because he was going through everything he made….the thought came me “I am a child of God with a heart, a mind and a soul and nobody has the right to abuse me”….. I felt at peace and it was like a light went on in my head. I left home within a week and filed for divorce.
Since you do not have to feed this muncher any more, you will have plenty bread for yourself in future, not crumbs but tons of - well done :-)
Any validation they give you, no matter how minuscule, has a price tag. You pay.
amen...
👍🏻
Narrow Gate yes it usually means he want me to do them a favour
Yes, we do pay plus interest
But if you guys are empaths, why are you being borderline narcissistic & wanting validation, this video sounds like the positions should switch the titles
My father did this. One smile per week, one positive comment per every one or two weeks. It teaches you not to ask for anything in relationships later in life. My ex-husband was a total breadcrumber, and several bosses I've known. It's kind of maddening to realize I've been putting up with this abuse my whole life.
I think I have too ... Just getting into a relationship. So glad I found this channel.
Whenever you wake up is a good time, some people never do… you’ll do great many things in life
But how did u break that cycle ?
We as empaths attract narcisstic
I m leaving this house
They wud give me chocolates n gifts n gaslight me n bread crum me
Oh my goodness yes. What a waste of life.
I knew that I wasn't happy and that I wanted and deserved better. The problem is indeed that the crumbs give hope that things will go back to what they used to be. For 3 years I wondered: How can a person change so much? How can someone be so loving and thoughtful only to switch to the opposite? The brain will come up with a million things to explain why this "loving" person turned distant and cold, even thinking it was me. So I do all these things, I do courses and watch videos and read books and learn better communication. That is easier than accepting the painful truth that this person never truly loved me in the first place. It's so hard to accept...
"A relationship with a narcissist is like a famine" - mic drop!!
Oooh yeah. !!!
@@lisajohnson4744 dcsa
Side adds as sdd as a CV dad
@@lisajohnson4744 dddcxx
D
I was trained by narcissistic parents to see breadcrumbs as a huge gift. And this has shown up often in adult relationships over time. I call it loving on fumes. I hope, at 70, to have put that pattern behind me. At least I'm aware of it now.
Never too late to get more from life, congratulations! 💖
My parents did the same thing. I’ve lost a daughter and her family because of them. She’s their “supply”.
I so relate. My sisters and I were all raised to expect nothing and ask for nothing. Translated in a child’s mind: you have no worth.
100 percent
@@mommabear5059 totally. My abuse was so insipid that I didn't believe I deserved a new car that I paid for myself. I tried to take it back bc in my mind I didn't deserve it. Such sad evil parents I have
I’m glad she touched on employer narcissists too. When you’re taking abuse both at home and at work, that can just make you plum crazy and suicidal.
Soooo, crazy making!
Why do I almost start crying every time even the smallest compliment is given to me? A small news segment was done on me a few years ago for a small act of kindness I did and the newscaster said “thank you, chris” and that has sustained my self esteem for years. I’m crying right now thinking about it. That small moment of glory was all I needed for the rest of my life. It feels pathetic.
My father told me once "you are a pretty good kid". I wrote it down along with the date so I would always remember it. I realized a month ago he is narcissistic. It all makes sense now. 😭
Woah. This helped me realize that this has been my entire life! This is always how I have lived! I knew I felt different than everyone, I never received love growing up. But I believed I deserved it, or that it was "just the way things were" for me. And I still do in so many ways. I cannot conceive of anything different. Nearly my entire family is this way. I thought it was all hollywood and movies. I Still cannot imagine what could be real love. Woah. Thank you for being brave and sharing. This just gave me so much precious insight into my own psyche.
Hey Chris, I can relate to exactly what you described. I hope that you know your value in Christ. It is what has sustained me. I try to uplift and encourage people even though I receive so little of it. There seems to be a desperate need in today's society of emptiness and narcissism.
I have a hard time getting compliments. It feels awkward and I get nervous and anxious. My sister had to tell me to just say thank you.
It's not pathetic at all ! 💕
One of the worst things for me is when the narcissist in my life seems to think his behavior is normal. He acts like there is nothing wrong with how he is behaving.
exactly, I had today I am so cross with you, I have done nothing wrong
Yup, true story. They feel like they're above everything, some times even the law🤦🏽♀️
And that they try so hard, and throw in your face everything they do for you. And that you bring nothing to the relationship
AND MY KIDS THINK HE'S NORMAL, SO THEY CAN'T HAVE CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS EITHER. HEARTBREAKING.
@@wms72 I am not sure which is worse having your kids think he’s normal or having your kids think he’s toxic.
The can keep their breadcrumbs..I'm too busy feeding myself Tiramisu, Wine and strawberries..🤣🤣🤣!
Me too . I making tiramisu every week . Lol
Right girl !
Good for you! Comfort food!
Yum 😋
@@h.borter5367 The crème de la crème of comfort food. Exquisite taste.
Every time I listen your videos I start crying cause I was going through all this without knowing what is happening. Now it makes sense.
Thank you for teaching all these.
God bless you .
I can’t believe how clear to me, you have made the last 34 years of my life. I spent all this time trying to make everything work with this person. I thought we’d get there! Then I realised after being let down once again that this relationship only worked for him, and never for me. I have to tell you that listening to you daily is the food that is still getting me through the most difficult decision I ever made. The loss of everything I knew before, as well as the fight with my children has been so very very hard. Thank you so much. You are amazing.
May you keep your strength !!!!
bless you! stay strong🙏❤️
I hope, a year on, you're in a better place and stronger and happier than ever ❤
Being breadcrumbed RN. Now I see it for what it is though. Damn, thank you Dr. Ramani. We are not crazy, we're just being manipulated.
17 years of this. Now I got cake every day. The whole cake. 😻 We don't have to live like this.
Eat that cake, girl
The. Whole. Cake!
How did you know where to go get cake
I didn't go looking for it. I found it when I was not looking.
@@BonaFideMama Second day no contact. Thanks for the hope.
It’s funny how low my standards and expectations have become, that one tiny gesture feels like massive progress 😅
Get out ;)
Or a day they don't rage is a good day in your book
This is so spot on.When i decided I couldn’t tolerate breadcrumbs and tantrums any longer, i called off our engagement. I made every arrangement for a big move and my ex did nothing to help in the process. But when I ended it all he wanted to buy me the meal he always wanted me to try, buy moving tape and boxes, and even tried to help when the movers came and tried to charge me more. But, he’d be so unavailable when we were actively together. So sad that I never knew any of this.
Similar. My ex came and helped move a mattress. I packed up and moved the ENTIRE CONTENTS of a 4 bedroom house, but he 'helped' by moving a mattress. SMDH.
Honestly didn't know "breadcrumbimg" was a real thing. The best way to describe what was happening in my situation was "she was leaving bread crumbs on the ground that kept me occupied chasing her." To know that this is an actual thing let's me know that i was never really tripping about things. It's crazy.
I lived on bread crumbs my whole life and "it is what it is." It caused mesevere depression and I had a nervous breakdown at 19. I broke away & lived for myself. I have had a miraculous relationship with God which has saved my life repeatedly.
So right. God will always show you the signs when you need them.
So glad you were able to change direction and draw close to God
I've spent my whole marriage feeling unloved. My strength and hope is on God's love, it's the only love I've ever known, that he loved a sinner like me and died in my place, that's the ultimate love. I live for Him only.
i am happy for you that you have gained some peace you need god in your life
How did God save you?
I find narcissists very unpredictable people, one day they’re super narcissistic, the next day they’re in their covert form and trying to be nice to you. Ultimately I think they are simple people that lack emotional intelligence. They blame their emotions on your actions and say that you are doing this and that to their life. It’s all a manipulation and they’re really just have bad attitude, are hurt, and are a rude person.
That’s a good neutral perspective.
I want to get out of my situation so bad but i cant its hard
they r the crazymakers
Very true and compassionate view
cuz they are so fake & acting
Getting accustomed to live on breadcrumbs has ruined my life, self-esteem, manpower. I literally feel so drained that I'm a dead man walking around entrapped in the empty shell of my body.
When I called my narcissist out on his breadcrumbing, his response was "you ask too much, I can't give you any more", as though I was being totally unreasonable and demanding.
Breadcrumbing is also known as Intermittent Positive Rewards and it's what gets us addicted to the relationship. We're not addicted to the Narcissist or the abuse, we're addicted to the brief positive rewards that are given randomly, and we never know when we're going to get them, so we continue to try to work for them hoping whatever we do next is the thing that gets us that precious reward. There's a reason why we also use this technique to train dogs -- it works.
dude!
Spot on. Formerly known as operant conditioning
Yes!! That's what my narc is doing!
Oh good grief. Reality check.
Definitely, helps to name it
'You become so gaslighted that it's hard to believe you deserve anything more." -Dr. Ramani, wow she literally just read me and she doesn't even know me.
agreed
Same here
Killing me softly with her song...
@@ArtistInNewHampshire OMG! You took the words right out of my mouth! Dr. Ramani makes me feel like the woman in the song: Strumming my pains with his fingers, telling my life with his song, killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song, telling my whole life with his words, killing me softly... He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair!
She knows narcissism, all of them are the same.
My narcissist boyfriend was in the room when I “decided” to play this video. He all of a sudden went looking for something at 2:30am. 😂😭🥺oooppsss, did Dr. R make you uncomfortable?!?! 🙏🏽praying for your narcissistic self, and for the words to flow out of my mouth, “I’m so done!!!”
I was starving for being cherish, complement, appreciation so when he involve me with his decision making on one thing I felt so loved and happy and excited and special .. I was living on tiny breadcrumbs.
My neck is sore from nodding. Thank you Dr Ramani for the understanding.
Yesss😁
Ha! Omg 😳 me too
Mine too and I have a pinched nerve from stress dealing with my family and children
Help me
Please help me. Left . Then love bomb for a year. Love bombed for months. Fighting to feel like I'm worth something again. Now I think in depressed. I
Narcissists want partner to be vulnerable, and themselves in the control.
I couldn't understand why he bought a house. Wanted to get married and buy a car. All are in his name. Now I'm vulnerable to what he gives. I do not like it. I have been mindful to keep up with my credit because something inside told me to stay vigilant.
Yup
He actually said once that I ask to much from him..I literally learned to self soothe and do things myself. Got tired of the eye-rolls and sarcastic no’s. I feel like a child in this relationship.
Get out ;)
I say the same thing! I felt like a child ❤️
I’m so dumb. I’ve gone and had a child then married a narcissist. I’m in my mid 20s and feel like I’ve ruined my life. I thank god for finding your channel because I’m finally able to not get my feelings hurt hoping for a normal relationship with him.
You are not dumb, narcs are sneaky! And you are obviously resourceful because you found your way here and have been able to be less hurt even while in the presence of a narc. That is a big achievement! With 11 months gone by, I hope you are feeling even more empowered and hopeful. - Sometimes it helps me to think of Nelson Mandela. He did TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS of hard labor being wrongfully imprisoned, but went on to lead his divided nation to peace. Mid-twenties plus 17 years (or however long 'til your child is 18) is a long haul, and I feel for you! But don't forget that someday you will have FULL FREEDOM. And in the meantime, you can gray rock the heck out of that a-hole, and load the years up with a ton of GOOD things so your life is not just on hold 'til he's out of it. I am wishing you and your child well! ❤
You are very smart actually... it takes people usually 20+ years to figure this out. Your young and smart. You will be just fine.
@@Peace_and_Love_777.....I agree. I have been married 27 years and it took me about 22 years marriage to finally figure out what was happening. I am still learning. I know it is because we could not understand or believe a person would have these behaviors. I know I didn’t. I did not know WHAT was going on for the longest time!
8:55 "They know you're alive when noticing you is in their best interest". I felt that.
Yep! Describes my pastor's wife before she asked me to join her womens group. I found out I was only there to pad her ministry and listen to her talk, talk, talk. Left the group, and that church.
I was breadcrumbed. 😭 I didn’t know it was happening. He didn’t kiss me on the lips for years, or touch me except for sex, or take me out. I was starving. He was dismissive, ignored me. He acted like I should be even happy to be with *him*. And oh yes there was devaluing. I’m thankful to now be aware of all of this.
Yes same as my husband too but taking affair partner out for meals and day trips and also did oral on them but never did with me said he had a dirty mouth ye now i know what it meant.
Same talk about recieving nothing at all for a year or more but then realizing all the sexual favors i gave. But in the beginning they had no issue with doing it. Then its they just dont like it. To the point i did all the self care checks and believed it must be my body image! No emotional connection at all with him.
Exactly what happened to me. I'm sorry. I hope you feel better now.
I lv u Dr. For doing this slf awarens issue
Classic narc
I'm speechless. This has been been happening to me for six years. Just when I get ready to leave, I get a few crumbs.
Thank you for explaining this, breadcrumbing has been super confusing to me because it's 2 polar opposites. A while ago I got out of a breadcrumb friendship. It was the best friendship I had for years, then all of a sudden it just fell through. I tried communicating, asking what's wrong, I pleaded with the universe to give me some sort of answer. I was only called on every 1-2 months from talking together daily and that was because they wanted something from me. This always happened when I would stop caring and try to leave.
Finally, I called off the friendship because I didn't want to be tied down by false hope. Breadcrumbing to me is far more painful than ghosting. I understand that ghosting is often personal, but with breadcrumbing, you feel used and worthless when they pull you back in.
@Strawberry Sangria Good for you for calling it quits! My ex-best friend did something similar to me and it was devastating. I literally had nightmares for years about her stone-faced lack of compassion as I BEGGED her to tell me what was wrong so I could fix it. It was far more painful even than when my partner left to be with someone else.
I still don't know why she did it, but I get confirmation from time to time from a mutual friend that reassures me I'm not missing out.
I've come to realize that in her case, a pathological need to seem "nice" was at play, and I now avoid overly "nice" people like the plague. I would much rather be friends with authentic people who have the bravery to actually speak up when something is bothering them instead of playing passive aggressive mind games. Being so concerned with appearing to be a "nice" person that you refuse to address a conflict or end a relationship that's no longer working for you is actually not nice at all. I's cruel.
Boo to breadcrumbers, and yay again to you for getting out!
I was bread crumbed too for 'ego boosts and services (marketing services)'. I was dumped when I was busy one time and couldn't accommodate. So painful and confusing, but now I see it for what it was. Good luck!@@bellaluce7088
They sure remember to bring up that one bread crumb when you are defending yourself about their abuse.
My grandfather used to say "There was a man who always tried to see with how little feed his horse could do with. And would you believe it, just when he had it at the point that it needed no food at all, it died."
WOW!!!
🤯
I met that man who killed his horse and smashed him in the nuts.
Those are wise words op!
@@kevphillips02 thank you for doing that
I have a professor at my university, she definitely is narcissistic: full of herself, cruel, very demanding and scary, knows no boundries. She started classes with my group - she was very mean (for several weeks), then she started behaving differetly - she seemed very nice, we were startled. She wasn't exceptionally nice or polite - she just stopped insulting us and showed a basic politeness, we just had such low expectations.
Breadcruming can work both ways when the empath has a deep understanding of where they stand in this type of relationship.
The healthy empath has intuition, self love, self respect and maintain a their dignity.
Oh and they pat themselves on the back for being so generous to throw you the occasional scrawny bone. It's a form of mocking for them. Cruel and sadistic.
Shit...sigh, wow
Yeah, my ex did minimal housework and when I told him I'd appreciate not doing all of it by myself, he'd rub in the fact that he was tired from his job, the job he was using to build our future. "Isn't that enough? I offer my pain and work up for you."
Totally agree. I wish I knew then more about this pattern of behaviour. I was love bombed. I thought they were madly in love with me. I was overwhelmed with it all and excited. Then they started to pull back emotionally. It's sadistic, you're right. They wait for you to fall in love and learn how many breadcrumbs to keep you for their own needs.
So glad that part of my life is over!
How nice of them to give to the little needy people. They are disgusting.
What else would a narcissist do? They constantly tell themselves how grt they are
I lived every word you just spoke. No contact 4 years and my life and, self worth and confidence has changed more than I ever thought
Happy to hear that you healing. I wish I'll be able tobe like your improvement after 4 years.
Because I have just limit my contact with my narcissist mother for 1 year only, after 17 years living 24/7 with her, as her caregiver... until it cost me my own health, too.
DJ Crackademiks that’s so good to hear
Same! Never imagined life could be like this! 😀
@@ceohousewifemy7930 my father was the same...and he had full custody of me after my mom ran off as a baby. I ended up marrying 2 narcissists. The 2nd one was so abusive in every way imaginable, and he came very close to killing me. Please don't be like me and be careful who you accept "love" from!!! I'm 42 now and feel like life is just starting without all these assholes in it!
Deanna Tolbert good for you keep moving forward!. You have Value and Worth. Blessings and Strength to you 🌷
Breadcrumbing is also abundant in friendships. One does so much & everything to help out - which is never enough. When you tell them, “Hey, I have always been there for you - I have gone out of my way to help.” They will have the audacity to say that they have done the same. They ALWAYS have to look good & of course, ALWAYS be right at the expense of throwing you under the bus in what others will blatantly believe.
I recently had the epiphany that my ex is a narc even though hindsight makes it seem so obvious. I had a HUGE problem with his devalue phase breadcrumbs and, like a grown woman, persistently attempted to discuss our mutual wants and needs in a healthy relationship (as I was definitely feeling that my love
language desires of words of affirmation were ...surprise... being unmet.) His immature response was usually saying that all he heard was "I, me, I, me"! Then calling me selfish and that I was asking for a handout.
The tiniest bit of affection and I would stay another 6 months. This is how my narcissist kept me for 7 years!
Mine kept me 28 years
When we learn to love ourselves, we're no longer kept. I wrote out all my good points, then suddenly I thought 'I'm worth living! I will love me! Changed my life!
@@wms72 so sorry that was a miserable time I am sure
@@shelza33 yeah that was a great tactic
Me too! 7 years. When I look back I really settled for crumbs
Words I wrote in a retrospective note - “There I sat, at the king’s table, at a meal I prepared, accepting scraps. Scraps of love. Scraps of intimacy. Scraps of provision. Scraps of knowledge. Scraps of respect.” Words written prior to discovering he was a narcissist. Now that I’ve strung all of the seemingly disparate traits together, I’m no longer willing to dine on scraps.
I feel this. Scraps of their time, attention, affection. 10 years for me. Never again. I learned to live alone while living with my boyfriend. The glimpses of what it could be kept me hanging on. Hanging on for something that was never real. Never going to happen. I'm 62 now and single these last 2 years. I'll die single before I put myself through that again.
Very well said. I guess when we are starving for their affections any attention feels euphoric.
Eloquent. You are a powerful writer!
Beautifully said!! It's sad but it's also nice to see the truth in these words and ideas.
Then you face the pain to stop wishing for more of nothing and go get some real stuff somewhere else. If that makes sense...?
Perfectly described! 💜
I begged for the crumbs ever since I was a small child, and didn't stop until my 50s!🥺 Never again..Thank you, Dr Ramani, for this video. 💙
This was so timely. My husband, who I am certain is a narcissist, went into his normal rage at me, losing it over nothing. He then spent 3 days ignoring me. Tonight he made me dinner after not speaking to me all day. I mean I ate it because I was starving, but I am also aware it is just a bread crumb. He did it bc I have made it clear I am taking steps to leave him. Your video helped me to understand that I fall for breadcrumbs bc I have never been given much, not even from my parents. I’m 40, and I’m just learning this. 🙄 Better later than never I guess. Therapists have always remarked, “You aren’t asking too much - that is only basic human decency.” Now I get it. ❤
As a child, I was emotionally starved. In a way I was being groomed for future abuse. My relationship with my mother is toxic to this day.
Disown her. You're better than that
Do you have to continue the relationship? I cut contact with my mother (it took a long time and was pushed by a specific event that was about other people I love not only me) and it's one of the best things I've done. It felt like I'd lifted the weight of the world from my shoulders.
Whatever happens, take care of yourself and keep your spirits up. I hope you know you deserve more xx
Best thing I ever did was cut her off.
@Ka't Pleiadean Mandu it's a pain in the arse isn't it? I've cut contact with my sister now as well due to her only getting in touch when she wanted something. Good for you for being strong enough to get clear and keep your kids safe. I know how hard it is to manage to do. I never judge people who can't yet get away because we all have to do things when we can, but I'd support anyone in my orbit who was trying to cope with this.
I’m sorry Jennifer.😞
Breadcrumbing kept me in my marriage for nearly 45 years. I would say that was really sad but my life has become so fruitful and exciting since he is no longer a part of it, I can't really say that. I have been able to help other women and I am working on my first book. Keep up the good work Dr.
Almost 30 years here. I’m still in the discovery phase, and I haven’t quite decided my way forward yet; but you are so encouraging! Thank you for posting this!
@@lisajohnson4744 Same Here Lisa.
@@lisajohnson4744 30 plus years for me as
Well. It is so hard to come To Terms with it all. To come to Terms With the fact nothing will change. To come to terms with so much of my life that is gone and all I have given and thinking I will not ever get back even a percentage of my effort. Having kids, I do not find an easy out. I can not leave my kids to deal
With him alone. I have to protect them. To leave will leave them All alone. If I can barely handle it. How will they? My life is gone already. I can not make them go crazy dealing with him all
Alone. It is so complicated.
@@lisajohnson4744snap
Beautiful description of the acts of selfishness by narcissists...
I have learnt to be self reliant and doing things on my own to the point that I have come to prefer it. And this self reliance is what is making it so much easier to making arrangements to leave. No more breadcrumbs for me.
Good for you 💌
That would be great if I could get away from my landlord or I wasn’t disabled and elderly. Then I could depend completely on myself or if I had lots of money I could hire people I chose to help me but unfortunately I don’t have money either so I’m kind of in a pickle.
I kinda have to take what I can get unfortunately or I’m living the landlord is a grandiose narcissist and this homeless guy who has the time and ability to do what I need lift things and reach things are both narcs. One is grandiose the landlord and the other is a covert. The covert one drives me nuts because when he’s around he’s talking constantly saying nonsense stuff murdering going on tangents and never shutting up when I ask you to please stop talking begging and please stop talking in the more I ask him cause the more he talks because he knows it aggravates me and then he gets his rile out of me and then he’s thrilled. I actually hate the guy I told him I can’t stand U! I’ve even told him I hate him. And he’s he’s fine with it because he gets what he wants lots of food hot meals which you cannot get and then you’ll always make some stupid comment like oh a warm meal to warm my tummy and proteins to give me strength.
He’s absolutely a whack job. Years ago he did some pretty nice artwork when he was in Italy.
But we’re talking probably 25 or 30 years ago. He’s a walking tragedy.
And he has a dad that’s in touch with him who’s a republican I think and I think he stays in touch with him on Facebook but I don’t see him doing anything to help him get off the streets I think he’s sending money to go to Gold‘s gym but he got kicked out of Gold‘s gym because he’s too nutty of course lied about where I got kicked out is that I was just on the phone in the bathroom doing some stuff and seem to bother people know I know he was talking is crazy shit and driving people nutty.
And he also is so incapable about every day normal things. He has no idea what anything cost he has no idea about the portions like I use a whole roll of toilet paper I’ll use all my paper towels to dry my floor and you use a whole bottle of bleach without my permission to clean a wooden floor is totally out of touch with what is what in the world because he doesn’t have to know any of that stuff because he lives off the government he gets free food he gets to use the Wi-Fi for free he sleeps under a tree for free he gets a free shower he gets free laundry they give them masks and toothpaste and all that other stuff.
He gets just about anything he needs and since most of his needs are sitting on Twitter and Facebook posting nonsense about Rich and famous successful people that don’t know him and that he doesn’t know he thinks his life is set and then he’s gonna be the big famous successful songwriter when he can’t even write lyrics that even rhyme I don’t know maybe he’s trying to do some kind of rap but the words don’t make any sense because the words no one knows I told him you have to have relatable language if you want to be successful. He doesn’t care he thinks he’s got it made he knows what he’s doing. He’ll say things like just trust me you’ll see trust me. I said I don’t trust you at all!
Anyhow I hope soon I will be rid of these knocks the landlord I don’t know if unless he sells the building I’m gonna be kind of stuck with him because I don’t see any way of me getting out of this building anytime soon
I remember pleading with him for just one nice bit of attention a day. One connection, one caring moment. I was even pleading for my bread crumbs! Love this video.
I have always said to her that l will not beg to be loved.lf you cannot show me love than this relationship is going nowhere. I said to her l was happier and better off before she came into my life
I’m sure he called you needy. Mine did
@@lydiam9323 Oh yes. In fact it was the biggest early red flag that I ignored. He did his best to convince me I was damaged.
Exactly!
Any time we have to "ask" for it............!
@@annbetz1 it’s so easy to ignore red flags-esp after the intoxicating love bomb stage-2 days post breakup I’m practicing kindness and compassion towards myself-I refuse to allow him to take up space in my self esteem!
I always called this concept, “Throwing me a bone”...
I call it shaking the sugar tree....I'd have to fight to get it. That's a tought cycle because you do not want it after that....it means nothing.
Thank you for the clarity. I've thought before that my relationship was like standing at a table and waiting for the crumbs....never the meal, always the crumbs. I didnt realise what it meant. Really appreciate all the time and effort with your videos. 😚
Exactly what I have always called it .
S DM......OMG! I must be surrounded by nothing but narcissists my entire life! I have had to fight for just the earth beneath my feet! It gets effing old! It’s made me withdraw and not be open with others anymore.
Grace Be Good for you! You’re on the right track! Feels good to take a stand and not put up with any of their crap anymore! You are standing your ground NOW!! 😂 Good for you! The farther to get away from them, the better off you are!! ❤️
I met a woman once who in a six week span messed with my head in a way that was nothing short of cruel. That’s when I started reading about idealize, devalue, discard ect. I was in a pretty bad spot in my life and was upfront about it because I couldn’t hide it. Had gone through months of anxiety and depression. I bought her bs hook line and sinker. I should have seen the red flags but I didn’t. Didn’t want to either. First time I felt happy in a long time. I just thought she was really into me. The constant romantic texting ect. I wanted to take it slow and she didn’t and I was like ok lol. Very physically attractive but acted like a very caring empathetic person too. She wasn’t. I felt pretty foolish. She even said she wanted me off my meds after I told her they helped me. She said she wanted me “raw”. Wtf? Lol. I said they’re not safe to just stop and plus they help me. Once I started questioning her lies (stood me up twice) she got angry and behaved like a child. Anyway I was fortunate it ended there but it was unlike any previous experience I’ve ever had. I was in a bad place and put myself in a bad spot but have forgiven myself for that. She was the one who was unkind. Anyway found a warm hearted woman soon after and we eventually got married. Be careful out there.
Glad you found someone who treats you properly.
Wow. What a nasty malicious person. I'm glad you found someone the opposite after that. God bless
@@marilynkennedy8236
Thank you
@@_dadas
Thank you
@@tomd1434 You are quite welcome Tom. Glad it was a happy ending.
I find it pretty amazing that during your videos, myself, and so many others, see the "eureka" moment. To hear someone else describe what you were going through with uncanny accuracy. I try not to beat myself up for ignoring the red flags at the beginning and I give myself a pass because I had no clue what a narcissist was and how to deal with them.
I used this analogy with my ex gf: I was like a dewalt power tool she kept on a shelf in her store room. Whenever SHE needed something done, she'd pull out the drill, use it, then put it back on the shelf to be forgotten. The funny thing, that is almost literally what it was: she really only called me when she needed something fixed or she needed to get laid.
It was so bad even when she volunteered to help me, I was so low on her priority, it almost didn't register. Early on a major red flag came up that I knew was wrong, and even tried to talk through it, but it fell on deaf ears.
She volunteered to help me with a big order that I rec'd. She said "I'll come over after work on saturday to help". She closed her shop at 3 pm and it was literally 40 feet away from me. So 3 rolls around and I see her get in her car and drive away...what the hell? 3:30 4 o'clock......nothing. So instead of standing around I finish the order. She shows up 3 hrs late "ok I'm here".
Where the hell have you been? You said "after work" yeah, this IS after work. "so to you, after work means any time after you close to 24 hrs later when you re-open?
Well, I had errands to run.
Me: Obviously those errands were more important than your word that you would be here to help me.
She: well I'm here now, let's get to it.
Me: I FINISHED them,
She: why did you do that, I said I'd help you!! (kind of angry)
Me: Did you expect me to sit here twiddling my thumbs waiting for you to grace me with your presence?
She: why are you angry? You're unstable.
Me: I'm angry because YOU'RE THREE HOURS LATE. That's totally justifiable. I wish I knew this saying before we broke up "Angry in the face of injustice is a reasonable response".
Usually bread crumbing is used when they hoover. Beware. And refuse the pathetic breadcrumbs.
Phi Pi Delta you are exactly right. I lived it.
He started sending pics of our vacation, I paid for and intimate moments and music I love during this pandemic.. it’s been 3 years that I haven’t heard from him.
They can’t get you back if they bread crumb in a Hoover.
LoLo Henderson same
What is hoovering??
“The crumbs of love that you offer me, they’re the crumbs I’ve left behind” Avalanche - Leonard Cohen.
Ruthy Can’t Fail Wonderful quote of a wonderful man. ❤️
"Give me back my broken night
My mirrored room, my secret life
It's lonely here
- there's no one left to torture"
Absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!!
I've been reading so many comments down below, that say something along the lines of "I am so low maintenance, I can't believe he wouldn't even fulfill my basic human needs": truer words have never been spoken! It's amazing how the all seem to "learn" from the same book. The only thing I ever asked of my narc friend was to TRY and be supportive when I needed it (something that in a healthy relationship should not even be asked, as it comes natural to anyone with a sense of empathy). Of course he didn't deliver.
I cried watching this, it hurts so much knowing truth especially when enablers doubt you further
“Grab a broom and sweep away those breadcrumbs” 😂 PREACH!
😂 We deserve better just use a broom. Oh my Lord I thought that being an empath and understanding would be a kind thing to do
I am totally blown away. I talk about my person always only giving me "just enough" to keep me thinking they cared, they loved me, etc. I had no idea it was called bread crumbing! Holy shit.
I hardly got any crumbs at all from all of her broken promises
omgsh im in tears love
u cant leave me ur my other half theres gots to b somthing for that
i wana see you
😢 It’s horrible.
My dad did a LOT of the breadcrumbing - I am listening to what you say and I can hear/see him. I knew we were dysfunctional, I just could't pinpoint it. I can now. Thank you.
Omg so true. My narc who discarded me, came back to me; after hearing I’ve been doing well and killing it professional, now he wants to marry me. I had to take a long hard look at our relationship and realize that I had trouble getting over him cause of the love bombing phase and the little acts of kindness he would throw me. Now I see it was all about him, He says he’s changed but I can tell he’s still the same. God bless Dr Ramani for saving my life during this
The tiny breadcrumbs also make you feel like "Maybe everything before that wasn't actually that bad. Maybe I did him wrong by thinking so bad about him." Don't get confused!!!
This is still happening to me
My narcissist would withhold sex. Left me starved for affection. When he did give in, sex was only about him.
I can go without sex. He cheats & I am afraid of getting a disease.
What a pathetic thing to do
Mine made me handle the finances because he couldn't be bothered to be responsible for it, and so he could blame me if anything went wrong. He would withhold any affection until he wanted money for something he didn't need, and couldn't afford, and then he would turn into this charming amorous man, then came the inevitable asking for money afterwards. Once he got what he wanted it was back to the same disdainful cold person, until he wanted something else. And sex was always about him, my needs were irrelevant, unless he wanted money then he would make an effort, but it was only to get what he wanted.
Yeah my ex withheld sex, and like you say it was only about him. Smh.
@@jacquelyncamper1845 in your case you are concerned for your health. With them they do it as a control mechanism. There is a big difference.
You are keeping me alive, right now. Thank you for validating that I'm not crazy, this shit is really happening. I get ZERO crumbs, even. My narcissist parent now has Alzheimer's, and I'm trying to care for her. I am done, as of today. I am packing my things. I will be homeless, in the next 24 hours, though I've never been allowed to call where I am, with her, home. I've been constantly (for 51 years) reminded that I don't belong in this family. I think that's the truest thing she's ever said to me. I can't take it, anymore. The only other option I have, is suicide, to make it stop. I've already failed at that, so I'm leaving. I have no car, and no place to go. But I'd rather figure it out, than die here.
You deserve better !! You deserve to make a Break from the narcissist
Hey, I hope you are okay rn
leave. you'll find the support. hope you're ok.
hi Christina - how r u doing. dont let yr mother/family win. i 'm praying for U.
How are you? Are you okay?
My mother came to a couple of my cancer appointments and made me a couple meals and then went back to full on narcissistic abuse.
I was so flattered by her roasting me a chicken that I made myself vulnerable to her by telling her that her putting my cancer diagnosis on her Christmas cards hurt me. She replied that I just wanted to attack her and I need to find a new victim. I literally hate her right now. I wish I had a real mom.
“Your mom didn’t criticize you for one day out of the month” I’ve been living on breadcrumbs for 50 years. The reason it works is because you want to be loved and accepted and as a child you thought the conditional love of bread crumbs was normal and you didn’t know any different. You thought everyone had to earn love until sadly you realize it was emotional abuse!☹️
My mom once told me "your husband is a good man". For a split second my heart was touched then I realized.... I've been married 10 years and this is the first time she is admitting I chose a good spouse. ( she tried to break us up several times before we got married)
Breadcrumbs feed you when you are starving....sadly.
@@ViolAM3 my mom, I'm 56 finally said I'm intelligent! Would have been nice to hear that when it actually mattered and I could have done better. Now its too late, thanks mom
18:20 Once they HAVE you. Exactly. I asked my ex why he was so much nicer to the neighbours than he was to me. He said "Because I already HAVE you...."
Errrr! Shudder....yeah they’d do that with waitresses when you’re on a date or any woman within sight,,,
@@MONOCEROS30 exactly, such a gross feeling.
@@bellarose6501 did u ever complain and they’d deny it and make out you were imagining it..?
That's what I was told left him and No contact and he didn't know what hit him. Last 18 years have been only bliss 🎉
My ex14 year marriage in a nutshell. Listening to this reminds me of how it felt, spot on. I fear not having the ability to recognize the narcissist during the lovebombing faze.
I am so glad to understand the term “bread-crumbing”. I just kept referring to my situation as “gifts, compliments or kindness with strings before the accusations of being ungrateful and manipulative begin.”
I loved "They are contemptuous of intimacy and deeply close relationships." Now I get it, I could never explain what I sensed, that is it.
Exactly true 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me too! That hit me hard
That exact scenario literally gave me an ulcer.
Exactly!
It was always so strange!
I could tell the Narcissist was jealous of my relationship with my children especially my sons!
@@r3d_ti3_guy Exactly. Hit hard. 💔
A narcissist is always texting or talking to someone when the two of you have agreed to be romantic. Romance is scarce to none.
or they cancel it as their client has a deadline on Saturday
Mine would always invite other people
@@ambereckstein18 omg! It happened to me as well. What supposed to be a romantic dinner, turned out to be an outing with his friends. “ Honey, I have a surprise for you, I invited so and so...” How could I not appreciate that? I’m so ungrateful, right?
They always like to bring someone else into the equation to make you feel insecure. What scums...
Yes...the harem garage. 😂
Yes, we are so content that whatever crumbs they give us is enough, while we give them tons of validation that is not enough for them, so we give more and more💔. Sadly, most of us did not know about this soon enough. Thank you for the crucial awareness and the education about narcissism❤
I would get so excited when she would simply say “sorry” or finally assert how she feels… thinking we’ve made a breakthrough to end up at square one all over again where the narcissist bites again
Lessons I leant from dealing with a narcissist 2 years ago:
1. value yourself! Know your worth.
2. know what you want and do not accept less than that.
3. Do not accept bad behaviour no matter how hot they are. Rise your energy from the lower chakras to the upper chakras. They are normally hot and charming, difficult to resist. They take care of their appearance to even obsessive levels. Make sure your romantic potential partner appeals to your upper chakras as well. There needs to be an emotional and intellectual connection too! And of course communication must be clear.
4. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! I felt kind of sick, sleepless nights, anxiety, pains here and there, confused, I lost motivation to live, had an asthma attack and I've NEVER had any respiratory issues before.
5. Listen to your intuition. But careful because what we think is our intuition may be our (biased) beliefs such as the Twin Flame BS. This is why I insist more in listening to the body.
6. Have clear boundaries
7. Do not ignore the red flags.
8. Be willing to walk away when you see the red flags.
9. Don't let anyone make you believe you are being needy or like you are after egotistical validation when what you are asking for is reciprocity, awareness, empathy.
Remember boundaries are narcissist repellent.
You deserve an Oscar..
Love this list, thank you. The thing I struggle with badly is feeling guilty! My mom is the guilt queen!
@@bereal6590 mine too. She really knows how to play the victim no matter what the situation is
WOW! Thank you, Ana.
Ana G!!!! Thank you for the list!!! I ignored my gut feeling, my eyelashes thinning out, my alarms going off in my head (top chakra) but the beauty of this moment in my life is I get to learn my worth!! Not one person will ever steal my spirit again!! I love how boundaries are the narc repellent😂😂😂I think about how I respect other peoples boundaries and it is simple to do for me to respect I deserve the same back!!
I had not heard this one before. Yep, my ex would do one little thing and I would think, "awwwww....he is being considerate!"
Ainsley Flint I have a question? Why is he ur ex now?
I stayed 40 years in a marriage. When I finally got out I was a dried up husk of a person. I even had therapy (he suggested) to help me work on my problems. So glad you are here to keep others from doing this.
This is one of your very best. I’m in the middle of reading your book “Don’t You Know Who I AM?” And I find myself astounded at the ways you explain what has been my whole life. I’m so grateful for these strategies. I WILL NOT react when she baits me and I WILL NOT accept breadcrumbs as REAL caring. I finally get it. It’s incredibly sad but at least I can break away now. I might change my name because her name is my middle name. But I won’t tell anyone. I just want to do this for me. Cry😢
I'm learning so much. I just found out I was with a narcissist. I blocked him and in not explaining why. I'm out
Hope that worked for you, best response early on.
I feel sick to my stomach that I gave my full heart to a narcissist for four years of my life when I was so young. And I feel bad for my younger self. I was so naive.
26 here....
@@robb4cubs So sorry :(
You weren’t naive.....just young. It’s great to feel compassion for your younger self. I hope you feel respect for the person you are now.
I was 60 and just as gullible. One thin thread near breaking... praying it snaps soon.
27 here...
100% my husband. Going for a walk with his family is a holiday. Spending time with us is like we have to kiss his ass. I can’t believe I fell for this crap for 14 years. From stress and lack of sleep I gained 20 kg. I felt abandoned for 14 years, starved of sex, attention, had to do things on my own my whole life. I feel cheated and looking at him makes me sick!
OH MY GOODNESS. Every time he rinses the dishes, he makes sure I hear all about it for days. That is his justification that he is "helping around the house." So I do things alone so a) don't have to argue about it and b) so I don't have to hear the self righteousness for weeks. Any jewelry I have ever received, I view it as medals I've earned for putting up with this. But really, they are just sparkly breadcrumbs. I am learning SO MUCH from you, Dr. Ramani, THANK YOU 🙏