also side comment but i really want to be friends with everyone in this comment section wth how is everyone so generous and kind and similar to an unhealthy level 😭😭😭
It would be so cool if we had some kind of community place to talk to each other, but maybe that would be too exhausing to manage. I guess youtube comments it is...
A lot of people feel the same way. it is shocking how many are afraid to love but at times you do need to take a chance if you feel something towards a person.
The problem with that is you could take a chance and get hurt again even if the person feels the same way they could reject you from also fear of intimacy ive been there it's a hard one
@@abbz23 in those situations it is best to talk it through, if that person feels the same way then it might be easier to work it out if you both try to understand and take it slow.
@@abbz23 everyone deserves a chance with love. and if you never take the chance then you have to live with the “what ifs” or regrets which is worse to me imo
I'm only 17, but I feel the same way. I've never dated anyone, never held hands (in a romantic sense). I am very glad that I am not the only one who is the same as me.♥️
Don’t worry you are still very young though. I’m sure one day you will slowly find the right partner for you:3 I’m 21 but still no partner. I’m still happy
She is me basically, I want love and i want to love as long as it's all in my head. After one year of basically ghosting people and feeling an enormous amount of guilt about it. I finally even stopped talking to guys altogether. I can't carry the burden of being a toxic person anymore. I never wanted to hurt anyone but i really can't push myself any further to be close to someone. Until I let go of my fears, I won't try to reach for anyone's hands.
If one of those guys still wanted to be with you after you pushed them away what’s your advice to make you comfortable? Should they check in every few months to see how you’re doing?
@@henryzhao4622 A lot of the guys that I rejected, since I wasn't ready and still trying to fix my red flags, respect my boundaries, and stop. I hope they will find luck in their love journey and find a girl who is ready and has the capacity to love them. However, I do proposition if the guy is willing to be a friend first and see my true self first without any expectation of love, then decide if they actually do want a relationship with me or was it just a crush. As she said in the video, I already know what is gonna go wrong so why even pursue it? Of course, this is a ridiculous ask and no guy who respects themselves is willing to agree to this, aka, me asking them this is already the first step into my red flags.
If someone ghosts you, they've essentially made it obvious they don't want to talk to you, for better or for worse. Just move on as a form of self-respect; it's better for you. It's also better for them because they won't feel pressured into talking to you or uncomfortable that you're persistent. Said by someone who used to ask the same questions as you and learned that it's mostly better to move on. Here's hoping you can find someone who suits you in the future homie@@henryzhao4622
@@henryzhao4622 I know this question is not directed to me and this may sound toxic but Yes. Checking in every few months let's me know that you still believe in me... in us. It lets me know that you see something good and special behind all the fear. I also hate having to ghost guys that I actually do like because I fear being vulnerable which is something I seriously need to work on because I might be pushing away amazing guys. The problem is how long is it going to take for me to finally be open to giving love a chance... it's kinda scary.
i literally feel the same way. i tend to shut out everyone who i overshared my emotions to, i get so easily attached to people and end up hurting myself in the process, its like i fear that they dont care about me as much as i care about them?? which is why ive never envisioned myself being in a romantic relationship with anybody really. thank you for posting this video! it made me realise the things i need to work on, im so glad i found your channel
@@abbz23 journaling helps a lot!! and im on a social media/ dopamine detox, im very detached from everyone nowadays, spending more time alone w/ my thoughts, and as via said, indulging in your fav activites, hobbies can rlly help as well :]
@@oshicalz I do that as well I'm literally the same u know as much as i love my family I do like being alone one day have to break this because I know it's not good for mental health get more depressed and more cut off aha
@@abbz23 oh then, cutting off ppl easily might not be fruitful for everyone! it was for me becs i was surrounded with toxicity, so i feel more peaceful now! maybe you should try interacting with people more? try going to new places and be social! i used to be very socially anxious and awkward b4, but now i dont worry about what others think of me. i think this has helped me a lot in making new friends and being extroverted. maybe try practicing self love more! take yourself out on dates, pamper yourself, etc.
I just had this conversation with my sister. And girl same, I’m so afraid of being vulnerable that it outweighs the want of being in a relationship. With friends you can just choose to share good times, a little bit of your problems too and once you go home you’re on your own they don’t know what happens beyond those walls. That is what scares me from having an intimate relationship with someone. It’s because that person will breakthrough this surface that you’ve put up yourself. And goes beyond the walls of who you are at home, what you are like with your family, what type of family you have. Your trauma with them, the deepest darkest things you keep to yourself that you are not proud of. And I’m just not comfortable with sharing that with someone. And I feel like not sharing that with that someone just to fill the need to be in a relationship is unfair.
I feel that, and really, it takes so much bravery to share those things with a potential partner and in part a readiness to be okay with them not accepting you too. I can tell you though that if the right person does come around they will listen to you and make your darkest things feel no greater part of you than a single hair strand.
as a person who loves to idealize a person and their head and fantasize a whole ass series off of them 🤡 i love this video sm ^^ thank u for sharing it, via
I do this and my problem is that I always like people who I know wouldn’t go for me and that in itself is a problem, because maybe they would. Then I don’t even try to get their attention or get to know them at all.
It’s crazy how we’re honestly the same person. I have the same attachment style and it’s comforting to know that there’s someone out there that relates to how I feel. It’s like I want love and relationships, but I’m also scared of showing everything (like you said, those happy emotions are not always consistent) and I get scared when people actually want to hang out and talk to me. It’s a complicated feeling.
As a dismissive avoidant (slight FA), I can identify with a lot of what's said here. Maybe TMI but I'm 26 and have never dated. I've ultimately come to the conclusion that I don't really know what real love is, because my parents definitely didn't teach it to me. A basic desire for intimacy and connection is something that all humans instinctually desire, but I'm a firm believer now that actual love is something that is taught and practiced. It's hard to do for those of us who grew up in a loveless environment in the same way that it's for someone to learn a foreign language as an adult--meanwhile, it's as easy and natural as speaking your native tongue for someone who did grow up in a loving environment. That's why it can seem like us insecure attachers are like incomprehensible aliens to secure attachers and vice versa. And that's why us insecure attachers tend to be hopeless romantics, because without loving parents the only place we were "taught" love is through fiction. It's also why insecure attachers attract each other, because we feel seen and understood, we love familiarity even when it's toxic. One has to learn both how to express love and how to let themselves be loved. My best idea at this point is to find someone who is securely attached and have them teach me. There is certainly stuff I can do on my own too to help. I think the core of all attachment issues is self-esteem. When my self-esteem is low, both my avoidance and anxious-attaching brain kick into high gear. And so as cliché as it is, I think what they say is true--you should learn to love yourself for healthy relationships. And that's something that can be worked on outside of a relationship through therapy, journaling, and treating yourself like the main character of your story because that's who you are. Bless everyone here
I agree with the comment about the toxicity of it all. I'm usually on the receiving end of another person's romantic interests or attachments but I'm simply unable to feel love but want to at least learn to love myself. However, the other person tended to also be fearful or so insecure and it would make me so uncomfortable. Knowing I don't have any foundation for love, theirs also wasn't secure enough even if they thought they were. So the only thing it's created for me in the handful of times, was an awful falling out with each of these people. I could see it wouldn't work out but they didn't until it was too late, even after expressing as much as I could as I grew older and understood myself more.
I'm 26 as well and dismissive avoidant and I definitely feel the same way. My parents didn't teach me about love at all and I had to rely on social media, movies, etc and now that I am older, I see how tainted that is for a child to have to do growing up. To others we are seen as attention seekers and attachers like you said but its really, we just want to be loved like everyone else and felt we didn't get that basic necessity growing up. Yes working on yourself plays a huge part, but wanting and desiring love and intimacy is a basic thing many of us were robbed of getting. Which is why I just grew up keeping it away from me and even when I tried to "date" it always failed so in my mind it programmed it as I am always right when it comes to love, its not meant for me so I will stop trying. But one day I'll work on it. Just wanted to let you know for you that it will get better and slowly, we will get the love and intimacy we deserve
I'd say look in the mirror. Are you happy with the person you see? If not work on improving yourself be it drinking more water, exercising, eating healthier food over the months (a unhealthy snack is okay just don't over do it), Accutane for acne (if applicable), cute haircut, cute clothes, go back to collage even if it community. I guarantee someone will find you attractive and want to go on a date with you maybe it might take a whole year but everyone has to start somewhere the only thing scary about the future is regretting what you didn't do.
Feel deep satisfaction after reading what you have written..I wish the relationship that me and my gf had as two born avoidants could be saved. As one of them took the leap of faith and Love and discovered a world on the other side. But the girl could not. And the relationship had to be ended after a decade long long-distance conversation of the guy explaining the girl how to take the leap of Love. Wishes Hope remain buried in the heart but as if a living who has accepted to consider the casket as it's only home. The road of true pure Love & Hope took him through this tumultuous ride of emotions. It was exactly a fight between "day ONE" and "ONE day". God bless all.
“Our friends are not our caretakers and they won’t treat us in the same way” was the most freeing thing to hear that I never thought about. It’s an incredibly positive thought that is melding into my brain.
Welli'm glad it is giveing you an relief but I think that you can bea caregiver to your friend and wice wersa but it has different rythym of caregiveing than in a reletionship
Your quote of "I know what's gonna go wrong so whats the point of even trying" really speaks to me. My hobbies don't usually align with the people around me so when I try to tell them about it, they're not really interested. Or maybe it's the way I tell them about it... The really fearful way of "Oh I like this, but if you don't like it, it's fine whatever, we can talk about something else". But I'm also learning to open up and communicate better now and actually be excited to tell someone of my interests. Thanks for not making me feel lonely in this though Via!
I feel you but mine is worse. I don't have hobbies .. so I can't even answer the question, I don't want to be asked because I know what I will say is pretty much nothing.
I love how you're showing vulnerability by talking about your fear of being vulnerable. I'm 31, been to therapy for 5 years, and just noticed that I have an avoidant attachment syle, which explains why I've managed to avoid any kind of intimate relationships.
growing up i used to feel so alone and isolated from my friends for feeling like this. i feel like these kinds of conversations weren't really happening, but now it's really nice to see so many people talking about it and sharing their experiences
I have never seen something more relatable, I am 18 and I have seen people all around me getting into relationships, but I just have this view on Love that its a really serious thing, its beyond beautiful and can't be taken lightly. And there is this fear of getting hurt by it cause it has such deep importance to me. I want to be mature enough before getting into any relationship, but its still very scary if things just don't go well and I end up getting hurt, its complicated fr.
I'm 25 and I feel you too. I been in a sort of relationship once and ended badly . It really hurt me deeply and I'm afraid to be vulnerable again 😢 I hope we both heal and find real love one day ❤
Girlie, im 18 rn (19 in a month tho aaaahhh) and i know exactly how ur feeling. Like sometimes i would have the feeling of wanting to be some one but than the other day im like "nah" because what is the point of being one if it almost always ends up in a break up and hurting me. Because bro love is also something really deep for me and I don't wanna risk it for that reason. Probs the reason why ive never been in a relationship ahahahah. But yeah ur not alone
it really feels like a chore to keep the relationships I have with my friends, and I know that if I dated someone it would be even more difficult because there’s the whole trust aspect, plus I get jealous easily
Honestly I was kinda surprised when YT recommended me this video. Because this resonates so much with me and I couldn't explain it properly. I have some other issues, but basically in the end, I feel the same way about this as you. I don't want to be vulnerable, I am terrified of opening myself up and getting hurt, or being told that I'm too difficult to deal with and I'm a bother. I'm 24 y.o. girl, a virgin, had only one relationship that ended after half a year. I feel like an alien whenever I try to explain how I view this topic with friends, that are more normal and with someone.
this feels so real, I feel exactly the same way. Probably the reason why I'm 21 and haven't dated before. From te outside it looks like when you're dating someone you need to be vulnerable and transparent with them, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I've gotten too comfortable with the idea of wearing a mask when I'm around people. And even when I get to be vulnerable with someone, it feels as if that vulnerability is by choice, like I'm not really being vulnerable if I consciously chose to let someone see a side of me I usually don't let others see, and it feels as if I'm able to show myself in a way that will make me look good even when I'm being vulnerable. And if I think about it for a second, that makes no sense because if I do that, that's not being vulnerable at all. That's very different from, for example, getting in an argument with someone and them seeing how you behave when you put your persona/mask down. I honestly don't think I show that to people at all, so I just live in constant fear that people will see that and think I lied to them because I showed them a version of me that is fabricated and doesn't really exist. It also feels kind of lonely to feel like no one in the world really knows the actual you, the you that is inside behind all the masks and barriers.
"It also feels kind of lonely to feel like no one in the world really knows the actual you, the you that is inside behind all the masks and barriers." this!!:(
I feel completely they same. I’m 22 now. Have had this problem all my life with avoiding people when things might get serious… imagining them in my head but not giving them a chance in real life to get to know them. I always think of the worst even before I try because I know I’ll get hurt in the end, so I might as well just end everything now. I focus too much on my own flaws to be able to believe that other people might like the “not perfect” me and I overperform a lot. So I reached a point where I’m almost lying to myself because I pretend to be this bubbly cheerful funny person in front of others, even when I’m not, or when I’m actually having a really hard time. I guess it comes with people-pleasing tendencies that I have. Probably the worst combo with fearful-avoidant attachment. Anyway, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels the same❤️
@@lazy.a.g6566Sometimes that’s not even the answer. As someone that feels what the person is saying, I use to think that I was on the asexual spectrum but it’s just the fear and knowing that dating isn’t necessary.
I’m 22, fearful avoidant, and no one has said how I feel towards friendships and relationships until you. I love romance but I feel so skeptical of it and at the first hint of feels, I genuinely want to run away. Expectations of how I should be based on how “extra” I act keeps me up at night. Thank you I feel so validated. I sometimes get so frustrated with how contradictory I can be, being scared of intimacy, but also wanting to be loved so bad and I constantly wonder if anyone else is as neurotic as me❤️
I am precisely the same; how I see it, it's all about self-love. Developing a strong bond with yourself, knowing that you got yourself regardless of how much people may hurt you. It is nice to know there are people there for you but nothing beats loving yourself despite your fears and insecurities, because not many people will do that, only you can give yourself what you truly need. Cultivating acceptance, patience, and compassion within yourself will eventually reflect on your relationships
Via, i don't even know how to sum up this fact but your journal entries and healing diaries have given me so much input and clarity to my own feelings its rather reliving. The fear of intimacy, feeling worthless, lonely even though one likes being alone but still wants people in their life, the need to start to live for myself, in all of these videos i could feel like i could see a part of myself being represented to the hundred thousands of people. By these videos you aren't just assuring people that they are not alone, but you are also helping people seek out their own journey and troubles with it. I believe the people who can relate are not looking for an answer when they watch your videos, it gives them context and so much clarity and analysis as to what problem they are in deep down. i hope soon enough one day you and thousands of us reach to a positive end on this journey :)))
Becoming vulnerable is definitely a difficult process if you had a hard childhood. The best way to approach it is to work on your insecurities and to keep being vulnerable. Once you get comfortable in your own skin and accept who you are as person it becomes much easier to be open about who you are. Granted there are people who won't accept you that's fine nobody can please everyone. It's unfortunate that you had to experience an acquaintance flaking on you over THEIR idea. Take it as a leason of making sure to act in your own best interests instead of deferring to someone else.
As an anxious avoident person this is the first time I've related so much with a person. Even with friends and family I can never seem to be vulnerable and always end up wearing a mask or keeping everything to myself, basically what you said . I kind of feel seen that it's okay to feel this way and I'm not rude or distant intentionally. Also my jaw DROPPED when I saw you in the changing room trying the outfits on YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL IN THOSE DRESSES I LOVE YOUR STYLE
I feel like intimacy and love has lost it’s “childlike vulnerability” where everything was simple and more straightforward and we were so new to everything and always more optimistic than pessimistic. I feel like the older we get love has these never-ending unrealistic standards to reach and we lose “real love” for not only FOR ourselves but for any type of relationship in general. Love should be simple and calming yet strong and reassuring. ❤️🦋
As an almost 22 year old girl who never dated I get it. I'm in therapy too, not mainly for this, but it's all connected. I don't fear vulnerability in the showing the real me kind of way. I grew up with people I gave my all, willingly, ending up disappointing, betraying and crushing me, to all those who say friendship breakup are not as bad clearly never had a real one. Now I also never had someone my age (or a little older or younger) ever telling me I was pretty, but all the grown-ups telling me I was the most beautiful (for info I'm a ginger with green eyes so yeah I always thought they liked my uniqueness more than my beauty). Now I know most people knew I was pretty and never told me, but the feeling of never been chosen is still there. So now the rare times someone shows they like me I go into panic attack mode and protect myself by making that person a designated fuck boy with no respect for women, so I feel less guilty. I know it's messed up, I literally blew it with a friend of my childhood friend, who I was told was the sweetest and I can say that he was so freaking handsome, and I messed up all because of trauma people gave me. However it was my decision to avoid him all night, not my friends (who where also among the people that I said earlier) they were in fact the first to tell me I should give it a try. As a person that has literally never done nothing aside from spin the bottle kisses, I planted in my head the thought that "oh now I'm gonna be a bad kisser since it's my first time" that is if we kissed " and he is gonna make fun of me to my childhood friend and it will be like a meme" which if it happened it would be them being horrible people not any of my fault, but 99% it wouldn't have happened even IF I was the worst kisser. All those if torment me to this day, all the useless anxiety and panic comes back whenever I'm triggered and I hate it since I'm a person that loves love, but has never experienced nothing but platonic love
You should get rid of the mindset that all guys are fuck boys that's a toxic mindset to have your going to scare any guys from talking to you, beauty fades with age that's a fact for most women unless you have superb skin genetics luckily I'm a guy and have gotten better looking over the ages which for most guys they get better looking with age. You have red hair and green eyes that's a beautiful combination your most defiantly going to meet a couple of douches in your dating career which is normal some guys are going to be boring, some might just want to sleep with you but that's life your going to get your heart broken its inevitable. Your not getting any younger work on improving yourself be it hobbies, exercise, nutrition, personality. Which is over looked by alot of people it involves not only listening but adding to a conversation to keep it going. Or would you rather be that lonely chick in the sweatpants watching k dramas or the hot chick who has her life together who some guy might want to marry down the line.
I'm a 23 female and I get you :( For me it doesn't help that all women in my family married/dated douchebags that took away beautiful parts of them, so, even if someone of my type showed up, I wouldn't feel comfident or comfortable with them for constantly being on defense. Thanks for sharing, best of wishes for you
i can't believe that you literally described how i feel all my life. i always find hard to express my feelings and thoughts about being vulnerable and seeing that someone else is expressing what i feel really comforted me. i love listening your thoughts 🌷🤍
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling for so many years! I am so grateful for this video. You’ve explained this so well. None of my friends understand why I so easily just block people (ik that’s so toxic…) But now this video and all these lovely people in the comments showed me that they struggle the same as me. I personally just want to protect myself this way. Been hurt very badly in the past and naturally I’ve built these walls around me. I think this is a very long journey. Learning how to get out of this and everyone’s path will be different. But ultimately the solution could be therapy for some, talking to the people around you (you’d be surprised to see how many different perspectives others can have), learning more about yourself trough self love (possibly achieved trough: alone dates in a cafe, self care routines, I strongly recommend meditation and walks, there are many good podcasts and books on that) and what in the end after you’ve worked on yourself will be the game changer is to “just” jump over this wall you’ve built around you. Risk it and trust someone. But this will only work if the other person is willing to listen to you and cooperate. If they give you time and actually what to help you trough this it’s all possible. This has been my problem too. My ex partner wasn’t willing to give me time at all. He didn’t understand that part of me which is also the okay. Not everyone will understand us but then this person isn’t for me. Just don’t give up and keep trying. As long as you’re doing something it’s already great💜
What’s comforting to me is that I know someone exactly like you, and knowing her helps me understand you. It’s comforting that I get what you’re saying because I know someone so close to me that can relate to you.
I feel so seen with these videos. Thank you for opening up and trusting us enough to post them. I, too, have never dated because I‘m a fearful avoidant coupled with being an introvert AND shy. Intimacy/vulnerability and showing another person who I truly am really scares me. I feel like I always have to be perfect and if they see that I have flaws, I will get rejected and therefore deeply hurt. Deep down I know it‘s because I don‘t feel good enough which rationally i understand is just not true. Still, it feels real to me and it‘s hard to shake those negative beliefs about myself.
One thing I found that helped me is learning to accept rejection and the possibility of rejection. We feel like it reflects on who we are and our values but their perception shouldn't have a say in how much you choose to shine. Learning to say "you may or may not like me, and that's okay, because I do" is very powerful though it takes time to develop. Either way, the right person will see every part of you and not just make you feel accepted or special, but make you feel.. normal.
Just gonna send this to her real quick since you put everything into words and I want her to understand why it's so hard for me to make a move. Thank you so much for this! I've been feeling so alone and confused all my life because I felt this way and no one around me had any problem with the fear of relationships. No one ever understood why I was so scared of something I craved so much. I just want to be loved, I want to hold her hand and cuddle and kiss and dance in the rain with her and do all this cheesy romantic stuff that you see in movies but I'm so scared of being vulnerable. I want to see her everyday, even if it's to just sit next to each other doing our own thing. We're both at the same uni and everytime I go on campus I can't help but look for her, even when I'm running late to class. I want to be with her so bad but I'm so scared, I'm so scared that if I let her in she'll see how effed up I am and run in the opposite direction. I'm so tired of being alone but I don't know how to not be
I think because of childhood truama and the envionment i grew up in i'm scared to be vulnerable with ppl , so i relate to that . Love you via hope your staying safe.
wait. why is this LITERALLY me. every single bit. every part. i'm so baffled but kind of happy that i know that someone exactly like this is out there... i really crave love but i'm afraid. i've also never dated. the vulnerability, the fear of wasting others' time and realizing you just like the idea of them but not actually them, the inability to trust, personal issues, the unrealistic standards... and the fear of change... all of that... same here. i'm aware of all of this as well... and i don't know where this manifested for me, but it's who i am.
i'm Disorganized /Fearful-Avoidant. im 16 and i relate so so bad. communication, being vulnerable, fast attachment is something i need to deal better with. i remember being younger ( 1-6years ) and always crying, i always cried and the kids would call me a crybaby and make fun of me for it. i don't think that helped me . i haven't cried in front of anyone now, not even when my cats passed away, i do it in my room in secret. in relationships i'm always doubting, thinking they dont care about me as much as i care about them, being sus of their intentions, being attached to easily and putting them on a pedestal doesnt help either. i wish i was secure attachment style
This showed up after I got back from Psychology class.. we literally learned about the attachment styles today. You like me and so many people have the anxious (fearful) avoidant attachment style. Obviously I don't know you or your childhood, but the attachment styles form during childhood as a result of the emotional relationship you have with your caregiver(s). I know for me my dad was barely home and was indifferent towards my emotions and my mom would go from indifferent to caring and vice versa. Having such a relationship with your parents causes you to want to be accepted so bad you act how you think you will be accepted, aka people please, and also avoid getting too close as to not let people see YOU instead of the version of you that you broadcast. For me I avoided forming friendships until middle school and didn't feel comfortable opening up to those friends until Junior year of High School (6 years of friendship with most of them), and when I've been in relationships I'm more closed of about myself (which is why I've given up until I am healed enough through therapy). This attachment style isn't just from emotional abuse/neglect. Neurodivergent people in particular struggle with this at a higher rate due to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which causes the same attachment style even if you had a secure relationship with your parents; still needs therapy for it but it will function differently to an extent.
Also as an over thinker I realized, dating is just about enjoying one another’s company. We don’t have to make it this big deal or grand thing. It’s just caring about someone. Know your boundaries and stick to them but other than that, just learn how to love your partner even in their good and bad just like you would want someone to do for you.
I hope one day to get to this stage. I think for me (and the ppl I feel can relate in the comments), it’s hard to imagine someone overlooking your flaws enough to enjoy your company. It easy to be a pleaser when you’re insecure and want to be nice and kind and impressive to the other person, but then you’re projecting all your energy outward. You can’t accept love back or know how to love yourself bc it’s all out and not in. So then it would be one sided and not healthy - then it circles back to “why bother,” haha
@@milkflavoredyeah facts. I agree it is hard not to people please. Still in my relationship (1st one) and now that’s it’s been like 5 months my real self is coming out more. I’m starting to question myself. It’s not easy but there’s self growth from being in the relationship.
i am 1 minute in and i want to say that I love you, even though love is a strong word and you shouldn't throw it around, because you're so real it's unbelievable.
That's so relatable!I have never dated before.There are times when you wish to have a partner but you just don't want to deal with all the drama like breakups etc.Thanks for sharing this,it obviously takes a lot of courage to do so.
I'm 29 this year, and I struggle a lot with wanting to run away when I feel very vulnerable in a relationship, and even avoid conflict because I don't know how to handle them and solve the issue confidently. It's common knowledge that when you are raised by parents with similar attachment styles and they do not parent you well, or they themselves are too occupied with the work/financial problems/marriage problems - they don't exactly teach you how the fuck to communicate in a relationship healthily/safely without feeling like you're losing your face or your low self esteem kicks in full swing and you ignore the other person. They don't tell you or SHOW YOU HOW TO TALK ABOUT ISSUES AS THE ADULTS THEY ARE. It fucking sucks - and it's happened constantly throughout my life and I didn't think it's an issue until recent few years and I know that it's not my fault, and I cannot blame myself entirely. I know too that I'm not my attachment style and poor upbringing. I'm trying to work on my self esteem and change the way I talk to myself, especially my inner child. I am so desperate to improve my self esteem and be less hard on myself that I ended up feeling down because IT'S SO HARD. :(
im 20, never been in a relationship or went on a date or anything like that. while i do crave all of that stuff, its hard to imagine myself being romantic and all lovey dovey. i cringe at it and ik its so sad but the thought of calling someone babe or being really nice to them in a lovey way seems so weird to me. its also cause I'm afraid that they don't really like me like that. i didn't grow up hugging my parents/siblings or showing any signs of affection. when I'm talking to guys (usually via online hehe), i sometimes find myself bantering with them in a teasing way and cant seem to get past that "stage". i'm currently forcing myself to try to show more affection over text...i can only imagine how hard its gonna be in real life.
Your going to have bad dates this isn't a k drama where everything is all sparkles your not going to find the right person first try that's like someone saying hey fly this plane when you have no experience flying one. You have to date because your going to build up the story in your head not only are you going to be disappointed but you might waste so much time that you could have been earning experience. Figure out a hobby you enjoy find a guy that likes that same hobby say you want to hang out to A. do that hobby together. Maybe feeling with happen then go from there its not rocket science. People like attractive people wear cute clothes, exercise, do skincare imagine who you want to be and work towards that person it might take a year maybe two but you have to work towards the better you.
I discovered your channel over a month ago and I just wanna say that it's crazy how relatable you are and I find you really inspiring. Your channel is a huge to me at the moment. As a current highschool student, it'd be nice if maybe one day you could make a video like "things I wish I knew in highschool" or something like that. I love you Via and keep doing what you're doing! 💗
I can relate to this so much. I'm 28 and I never dated and I always felt like I was afraid of love and vulnerability. Only recently I looked more into asexuality and aromanticism and learned that labels can be a tool to help explain things better to others and if they fit for now they fit and if it might change over time you shouldn't feel pressured to explain yourself to anyone. Plus it helped me to reflect "do I actually want a relationship or is it just the underlying expectation from society that I must get into one?" Which lifted a lot of weight off me and made me so much more content with who I am and how I live.
I'm a 13 year old and my life is pretty tough specially at school. Watching your videos is so inspirational. It's like therapy. I love you so much, you are so great. ❤ Edit: Thank you so much! For the likes! :)
Idk how you do it, but you always say the right words at the right moment.. You say things I unconsciously need to hear and it’s really comforting… By the way I discovered you channel a few days ago and some of your videos had already such a big impact on me it’s amazing 💌
watching this is like looking in a mirror because everything you've said applies to me, it's as if you've written a script from my thoughts. i was recently diagnosed with BPD after a recent friendship breakup and I'm starting a therapy journey this week. it really is hard when you sit back and realize that you haven't always been this way but somehow at some point you ended up putting yourself in a box that no one can get into. and if someone does get inside, you do your best to prevent them from getting out. it really sucks knowing your issue and struggling to explain it to people or feeling like you can't fix it at all. hopefully things get better for everyone that feels this way
i discovered your channel last week and i just fell in love with your authenticity and how you can put all these thoughts into words, it feels so comforting knowing that a lot of us have these experiences and while some people fall into despair because of them, there are also people like you who can speak about these experiences openly, who can show acceptance or a journey to it. i relate so much to that anxious-avoidant attachment, this falling fast and deep into friendships and being hit by the reality later, that need for validation that comes from knowing someone you just met already likes you too, the borderline desperation mixed with moments of indifference when they hurt you or leave. or leaving them first because suddenly you just do not care enough due to certain circumstances. it really is interesting how we navigate this attachment style and how we still try to make long-lasting connections, we want that deep thing but it is also so scary - especially romance thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, hope you have an amazing week via
You literally verbalized all the thoughts that occupy my mind, this is amazingly mind-blowing. Thank you so much for such a beautiful, vulnerable video 💛
the way i relate to each and every single word you said throughout this video is just crazy. nobody can understand how i feel about love. youre like the first person who perfectly summed it up for me. i do the same exact things that u do fr
I struggle in a lot of similar aspects as well. One thing I constantly need to remind myself of is acceptance of myself and others for who we are. If I can't accept myself, how can I accept someone else? Confronting this is a super difficult task and maybe I'll never have a definitive appreciable answer but all I can do is try to improve and stay positive. Best of luck on your journey!!!
This is really relatable for me. What is worst is that I am bad at communicating and articulating what I feel. Nice content and wish you a good rest of your day.
This is kinda the very reason I started therapy too. I just could not express myself and be vulnerable to people. I support you. Thank you so much for posting this , it feels very relatable ... Love you so much.
When you talk about your attachement style, that really speaks to me, getting attached super fast to people and then slowly discovering that you don't align as well . Also, it's an exhausting thing to live because everytime you get attached to someone and they leave after some time after you openning up a little bit, you have to go through the "talking stage " of friendship or romantic relationship again. I guess it's one of the reasons why with time I don't try that much to open up to people or to create genuine relationships because I know that the pain on creating new connections and going through the same process over and over again is draining. Plus the vulnerability of openning up is pretty scary yeah :) On another note, I'm really loving this series and I hope it helps you on some level too ! Thanks a lot for sharing raw thoughts like that, it's precious. And for anyone reading this, if you relate, it is ok, take your time and you will end up finding a path that fits you
I’m 21 and I’ve never felt more understood than right now by watching your video. I subscribed to your channel. Thanks for making feel understood and normal❤
Thank you so much for speaking about this in such an open way. Dealing with these kinds of insecurities and struggles can feel so isolating, especially if you're introverted. But knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way gives me hope❤
I never related so much to someone. You described how I feel perfectly, scarily accurate actually. Next time a person asks my why I am the way I am I'll show them this
This made my heart so happy! I feel so seen so thank you, it’s always been so difficult to cope or understand where the issue lies bc this runs so deep under the surface. It’s hard to find people who you can relate to when you don’t even know how to let yourself get close enough to see that part of someone else. It can feel so lonely, and make you feel so broken, without much of a clue as to why. But I’m finally on the same journey of understanding as you are now and that’s such a big deal! Yay us! Thank you for this video. No words could describe how much this means to me.☺️
These videos give me so much comfort knowing that I am not the only one who goes through these types of experiences and feelings :)) Also, this feels like talking with an older sister!! Luvyaaa, Via!! 💛
I have an avoidant dismissive attachment, which means I LOVE running away when things get serious. but I swear I've been working on myself since I read about it. it's just I don't understand why I get excited to break up with someone?? I broke up with my bf yesterday and he was amazing but of course he has some flaws like me like any other human being, I just didn't want to go thro it all again. I had a horrible marriage, bad relationships, the only guy that I felt really atractted to had the same attachment style which made things worse cause we kept running away from eachother and coming back as if nothing happened! I mean now I ended it all, I deleted all my social accounts. I have this problem of hating people but I want to have some people around. I also have this problem of not wanting to ask for help and I feel like I can help myself and count ONLY on myself. it's crazy how you're fully aware of your problems but you don't want to ask for help still. I just want to stop giving people a hard time, my last relationship made it clear that I'm not meant to be in relationship and I just like to be single.
OMG WHY IS THIS SO RELATABLE????? you just put my thoughts and fears in one video 😭 i feel a lot more free after knowing that i'm not the only one who has this kind of issues so thank you 💖 (but honestly sometimes i just think that i don't even deserve to be loved lmao)
I used to be a fearful avoidant and my current bf used to be an anxious preoccupied. Having traditional asian parents and also being bullied for a chunk of my primary and high school years made me a hopeless romantic but also be very critical of any potential partners and feeling suffocated at the thought of committing. Honestly, it saved me from the trauma of having toxic relationships like my friends did, but I also had to do a lot of work to separate reality from doubt when I decided to enter my first relationship because in my head I knew he was a literal walking green flag. He is a literal saint and taught me how unconditional love feels. When something bothered either of us he made sure I felt safe and loved. He also gave me the space I needed when I felt triggered and allowed me to work on accepting expressions of affection (ofc, communication and reassurance on both sides were key). Some of the things I learned in growing to have a stable attachment style with my first and current bf is: - The right person won't necessarily give you feelings of infatuation. - You will have doubts during the first few weeks and months of the relationship. - You will need to work on appreciating the now and letting go of worries and doubts. - You will need to accept the fact that you cannot know the future and learn to be okay with that. - You will need to work on communicating your worries and reassuring yourself. - The right person will work on growing with you. - The right person won't necesarily be the most physically attractive, have the same hobbies, like the same music, have the same personality/ interests etc. They will, however, share your values and accept you as you are. - The right person won't withhold or reward you wih affection based on your performance as a partner. - The right person will just want to have fun with you.
Im crying, this is exactly how I feel and it is frustrating when ppl assuming I refuse to be in relationship because I was being picky while I am not, I am just scared for being hurt.. Once you started trusting someone, thinking they might not doing the same terrified me...
Wow, you describe me to a T. I'm 23 and I always perform such silly complex mental gymnastics to talk myself out of pursuing anything with someone I like. Even though I'm lonely, and want to love and be loved so badly. But the idea of being perceived deeply, and of someone seeing me in a vulnerable and flawed state, is just too scary. I would struggle to accept the love and I don't want to hurt someone with that.
I’ve been on this journey for a year now (I’m in my early 20’s). I didn’t realize it was problem until I met this guy that I really liked (which is rare for me, lol) and I wanted something with him, but then I realized how closed off I was and he was the same. Meeting him made me realize how much I want a deep connection with someone, but I have to overcome my fear of vulnerability and intimacy in order to do so. Within this past year I’ve been more vulnerable with my friends, which has helped SO much. It’s baby steps. Thank you for sharing your journey ❤️
struggling with this for a few years now but it had gotten worse for the past year because i drastically lost a lot of my very close friends. it took a HUGE toll on me because i was the complete opposite growing up. i used to be very open, very expressive. i love communicating things out, very cheerful, friendly, a social buttefly who would bring people together, who would be the one who initiates hang outs and introduce everyone to each other but now whenever i meet new people, i become sooo socially awkward. it’s like i’m not myself when i’m in those moments. something that used to be natural to me, now became something i struggle a lot with and it could be something as simple as just socialising. i used to be that bright kid that teachers couldn’t handle and changing my seat in class would do nothing but now i avoid people wanting to get close to me (eventho deep down i wanna be closer to them too). i avoid people so much that i’m now known as someone who is “always alone” when just 2 years ago, i couldn’t even go to the toilet alone at school. physical touch was my number 1 love language among my friends and im very known for that, but now i never initiate them or just limit them. like you said, things didnt end well when you actually opened up to someone and thats when you developed this avoidant attachment style. and in my case, it’s just so heartbreaking to me because eventho it could just be that i was not compatible with my old friends, i lost too many at once (ranging from 6-11 years worth of friendships) to take it positively. so now i just have this fear that everyone will leave me anyway or that they will hate me when they see the real me so might as well keep everything to myself when things get difficult. i was labeled oversensitive, always seen as someone who makes a big deal out of nothing, and i admit, i got upset over little things a lot back then but now i really am clueless as to what decree is something deemed trivial that i end up keeping everything to myself, even the unacceptable “actual big deal”. i just learn to live with it atp. i’m scared of forming bonds, i’m scared of initiating healthy communication because it has been misunderstood a lot so i just don’t bother to connect anymore. but deep down, i crave it so much. i crave being vulnerable and i know i should fix it somehow because it’s slowly destroying me but i’ve also learned to enjoy being alone so i got something out of it as well. i really dont know what to do but one thing for sure is that this wall is going to be a tough one to break
I’ve always felt like this (I’m 21) and I always hated it because as you said I don’t do it on purpose. I know that the way I can act and feel can be labeled as a red flag but it’s so hard to get rid of it. And I also felt the getting way too attached but not feeling like I know them. It’s also probably why anyone that I’ve gotten into a relationship with has not lasted over a month. And it’s been YEARS since my last “relationship” and I craveeeee being able to be vulnerable with someone but at the same time I want someone to love ME not the mask that I feel like I have to put on
im also so scared of guys who have bad intentions or will physically hurt me. I guess growing up never being in relationships or around guys, all I know of is those scary m*rder cases of relationships gone bad. I know this sounds scary and extreme, but it is true. i'm scared of guys seeing me for my body, i'm scared of guys with bad intent thinking that is every guy. im scared every man is rotten in the brain even though i've never personally experinced that. yl?
Okay I’m 5 minutes in and I can relate to all of these feelings you’re describing almost 100%. I can’t believe someone else is feeling the same way I do about love 😭❤️
idk. its SO hard to explain. i like this guy. hes so nice and he isnt ugly, and the other day he said that last year he liked me, but he said he stopped at the end of the school year bc we didnt see each other much and he was graduating grade eight so he wouldnt be at my school anyways bc im going INTO grade 8. (ik im young pls dont judge) but we snap a lot, have a streak, full face, etc. but theres mixed signals. sometimes he double snaps full face and then when i answer he sends me the wall. but he also asked me not even an hour ago how i was and so i said good and asked hbu? he said “good, looking for a gf lmao” i said oh snap! and he said “you need to find me someone lol” and i said idk anyone lol and he said ur single tho? and i said ya but im not looking to date. im so confused with myself. i cant sleep at night. hes in my dreams bc im thinking abt him and this so much. i dont wanna like him bc i dont wanna feel like this anymore but on the other hand i wanna be able to date him and enjoy it bc either i like him, or the attention, either way i get butterflies and excited when hes around, and i dont see him the same way as i see my other friends. it’s confusing. if i dont figure this out soon hes gonna give up and find someone new at his new school. idk if im not gonna care, or have a mental breakdown bc i missed my chance. its so hard, i need help, and advice. i talked to my older brothers gf about it shes like my best friend, but it didnt help as much as i needed it to. im scared, truly.
I've been scared to talk to people about how I feel (even friends/family) but I relate to this sooo much and I'm so surprised and relieved that someone (you) put it so perfectly into words.. And that by reading the comments seeing that actually a lot of people know this feeling/behaves this way. So thank you so much for opening up, Via. I wish you the best of luck and I'm looking forward to your next videoes
You are me . I am you. When I tell you everything , every thought about relationships I internally think about you have voiced out. It's like only another avoidant will get. It's hard when you know you are the problem and ur going to be the problem so that also makes stay away from relationships altogether .
I just came across your channel a few days ago. I am just like you. People misunderstand me as well. I am very introverted myself so I feel what you feel. In the past I have tried to act like other people to be noticed. It doesn't work. You just have to be your self and not like anybody else. Like your videos. I can relate.😊
I hope you know that even if you feel like there's not a lot to learn from you and that you still have a long way to go, you're still inspiring. Even if you feel like you're not entitled to give advice on something you're still working on, posting these videos on the internet for people to see and feel understood, is very very helpful. Therapy for me is still a hard topic to think about, but content like this makes me realize that there's people out there who have similar experiences, values and insecurities, and that everyone deserves to feel heard no matter what the issues are
I relate greatly. I also tend to overthink quite a bit. But something that stood out to me was, you say you don't want to label yourself, yet you label yourself as avoidant. Rather that avoiding labels all together, what has worked for me is being aware of how I am consciously/unconsciously labeling myself, and picking what I want and then challenge my assumptions of the ones I don't want. After all, labels don't even have to be permanent. When you are born you are a baby, then you become a child, then teenager, adult, etc. To me, those are labels aswell. Realizing that has helped me inmensely. What if you're not really avoidant? What if you just have, for example, PTSD of being hurt in the past? I used to label myself as introverted quite a bit, but realized I actually crave social interaction, but was feeling drained because those interactions were surface level. So, watch out for the labels you subtly give yourself!!
i love your how much awareness you have and how open you are about your fearful-avoidant thought process! i'm so glad you're talking about it because most people don't understand it at all and that makes it even harder to be connect with people. it's very scary to accept that you will be misunderstood, especially when you were chronically misunderstood/neglected/etc. as a child, but taking small risks helps so much. i used to try and predict all the ways in which people would misunderstand or dismiss what i wanted to say/express and it always prevented me from connecting. although i was very self aware about my attachment style and felt like i could be completely vulnerable (only) with myself, i also used that to rationalize why i didn't need anybody. and when someone good came my way, i even spiraled for a full year because i made up this narrative in my head that i hadn't changed/healed and had once again attracted an emotionally available person. that ended up not being true once i stepped into reality and started communicating my feelings. (not saying it will always pan out this way, but that it could! and just because it doesn't doesn't mean you will always attract the same people.) being fearful avoidant is a terrible experience, but it's also a great teacher. i'm rooting for your healing (and anyone else who struggles with it)!!! it will happen
i'm 16 and i also have an avoidant fearful attachment style. before i discovered anything about attachment styles and how they affect your relationships, i became best friends with this one girl who we can call Chloe. Chloe and I got along pretty well but she was the COMPLETE opposite of me when it came to friendships. when i become friends with someone, i usually always have 1 foot out the doo because i just don't want to experience the potential hurt that could come from any relationship. but she was so invested in the friendship. and not just ours but all friendships. she also was very comfortable with being very open and vulnerable and wanted the same from me but i just couldn't do it. i eventually told her i didn't think we should continue the friendship. it really sucks because i feel like i treated her badly but not intentionally, i just didn't understand how you can just trust someone like completely. the worst part is that i'm the kind of person who want deep proper friendships. i don't want to have so many friends who i'm not that close with. that's just to shallow for me.
You can't imagine how much i have searched youtube to just listen to what you said in this whole video, I was getting depressed and frustrated to see people always NORMAL around me. I am at Peace now❤. LOVE YOUIEEEE
I love ur journaling videos so much It’s like watching an everyday vlog and listening to a podcast at the same time and ur editing is so aesthetic💗💗pls do more
I was crying the whole video, I'm 19yo and i really feel like I'll never be healed, I didn't take any kind of love or respect from my parents and I'm craving them so bad which make my relationships (friends and mates because I've never dated too) take me for granted. Your video really give me hope and i think I'll try again, Thank you ♥️
Whoa. This legit felt like the journal entry I’ve been way too afraid to write. Relatable is a complete understatement. Truly THANK YOU for choosing to be vulnerable and for sharing your experiences with all of us 🫶🏽
I feel like for me personally everytime I start to finally feel stable and secure in a friendship, things always go south. And I've come to realize it's kind of what you were talking about, that like "mask." I feel that had a lot of what to do, I was wayy too nice, too kind to the detriment of me and my priorities. I think this is because I think I always wanted that best friend, that ride or die friend. Now I understand why things always fizzled because I realize I basically gaslit myself into thinking the friendships weren't onesided (not heavily but where and when it mattered yk?) since I was scared because if not with them, where do I go? Sometimes the way we meet the people we need to meet we have to get out of our comfort zone, especially if we attract a certain group of people. Also Via I think you would really like jungian psychology because it covers some of the things you were talking about in this video ^^!
I think it's amazing you have so much insight and knowledge on serious relationships while never having been in one. I remember watching this video a while ago, but back then I feel as though it didn't hit as hard. I found there was a lot of truth in it, but I didn't really retain anything of what I learned, because I believed I didn't relate to it as much. But now, I have found this video again and it could not be any more true. I just got broken up with my almost 2 year relationship and self-love is probably the most important thing a person needs to learn if they ever want to be in a relationship. Like, you say you are avoidant to prevent getting hurt or heartbroken and you don't want to go through that pain, but why else would you do that? What other reason would you be willing to go through that heartache if not for the love and caring relationship that you build with someone else? If that is not worth it for the possibility of heartbreak, then you will never find out due to being too afraid. There is never a good time to be in a relationship. I guess that is learned by experiencing your own. But it is what you make of it. I think it definitely may help to watch videos if you are a person in a first time relationship, like I was (because I never looked up videos or anything like that, and it definitely would have helped, as I encountered the common problems as most couples do). I need more experience to know whether this statement is really true, but I think that when two people meet each other and they aren't really looking for a relationship, that may be the healthiest relationship. You shouldn't go out and look for something, otherwise you may have a set of expectations you want in your head, and just look for a certain partner that will suit that. Sure, there is probably a person that can suit your exact needs, but they may take a while to find. And in the meantime, the people that you do meet and look for these expectations within them, you are setting both you and those people you are seeking a partner in up for disappointment. Even if you do have good compatibility with someone and they are willing to be that partner for you, it may be hard, and why force that? If you can be a good partner or just a loving person, it should not be hard. I think communication is most important, which most first-time relationships have a lot of difficulty. Or just most people in general. It is hard to be vulnerable. But if you find the right person, they will be willing to go through that with you. In my relationship, I was too dependent. I was never a really happy person before I sought him out, and of course he brought me a lot of happiness, but we both need to do our own discovering and improving ourselves and giving ourselves that love. I think we were compatible as a couple, and we still care about each other a lot, but I believe we both did not have enough experience or knowledge to sort out our issues and it got too stressful quickly. Yes, a partner is meant to bring you comfort and companionship and love, but if you seek those things only from someone else, and cannot love yourself first, then how can you expect them to love you too? I'm so pissed, UA-cam deleted my original comment but I think this is basically the gist of what I had before. Sorry if I say some repetitive things from the video, I just wrote whatever I felt.
also side comment but i really want to be friends with everyone in this comment section wth how is everyone so generous and kind and similar to an unhealthy level 😭😭😭
yes yes! feel free to talk to one another and get to know each other 🩷🩷🩷and be nice!!!!
It would be so cool if we had some kind of community place to talk to each other, but maybe that would be too exhausing to manage. I guess youtube comments it is...
Please! I would love to chat and be friends w you guys 🥹
I would also love to chat with you all!!
Same omg I would love to talk with yall
A lot of people feel the same way. it is shocking how many are afraid to love but at times you do need to take a chance if you feel something towards a person.
The problem with that is you could take a chance and get hurt again even if the person feels the same way they could reject you from also fear of intimacy ive been there it's a hard one
@@abbz23 in those situations it is best to talk it through, if that person feels the same way then it might be easier to work it out if you both try to understand and take it slow.
@@Chris-th5fl yeah but what if the man is emotionally unavailable then what do you do lol
@@abbz23 you either be patient or move on. you are not married or in that relationship for years so if you can not reach him it is to move forward.
@@abbz23 everyone deserves a chance with love. and if you never take the chance then you have to live with the “what ifs” or regrets which is worse to me imo
I'm only 17, but I feel the same way. I've never dated anyone, never held hands (in a romantic sense). I am very glad that I am not the only one who is the same as me.♥️
Same i can relate i'm 15 :^)
you still 17, I'm 20 years old and I have done nothing 😂😅😢
@@flowersinmylungs8771 same I’m 20 and nothing NOTHING
Real
Don’t worry you are still very young though. I’m sure one day you will slowly find the right partner for you:3 I’m 21 but still no partner. I’m still happy
She is me basically, I want love and i want to love as long as it's all in my head. After one year of basically ghosting people and feeling an enormous amount of guilt about it. I finally even stopped talking to guys altogether. I can't carry the burden of being a toxic person anymore. I never wanted to hurt anyone but i really can't push myself any further to be close to someone. Until I let go of my fears, I won't try to reach for anyone's hands.
If one of those guys still wanted to be with you after you pushed them away what’s your advice to make you comfortable? Should they check in every few months to see how you’re doing?
Ghosting is a narcissistic trait
👻🙄😒
@@henryzhao4622 A lot of the guys that I rejected, since I wasn't ready and still trying to fix my red flags, respect my boundaries, and stop. I hope they will find luck in their love journey and find a girl who is ready and has the capacity to love them. However, I do proposition if the guy is willing to be a friend first and see my true self first without any expectation of love, then decide if they actually do want a relationship with me or was it just a crush. As she said in the video, I already know what is gonna go wrong so why even pursue it? Of course, this is a ridiculous ask and no guy who respects themselves is willing to agree to this, aka, me asking them this is already the first step into my red flags.
If someone ghosts you, they've essentially made it obvious they don't want to talk to you, for better or for worse. Just move on as a form of self-respect; it's better for you. It's also better for them because they won't feel pressured into talking to you or uncomfortable that you're persistent. Said by someone who used to ask the same questions as you and learned that it's mostly better to move on. Here's hoping you can find someone who suits you in the future homie@@henryzhao4622
@@henryzhao4622 I know this question is not directed to me and this may sound toxic but Yes. Checking in every few months let's me know that you still believe in me... in us. It lets me know that you see something good and special behind all the fear. I also hate having to ghost guys that I actually do like because I fear being vulnerable which is something I seriously need to work on because I might be pushing away amazing guys. The problem is how long is it going to take for me to finally be open to giving love a chance... it's kinda scary.
i literally feel the same way. i tend to shut out everyone who i overshared my emotions to, i get so easily attached to people and end up hurting myself in the process, its like i fear that they dont care about me as much as i care about them?? which is why ive never envisioned myself being in a romantic relationship with anybody really. thank you for posting this video! it made me realise the things i need to work on, im so glad i found your channel
I am the same but how do u cope tho
@@abbz23 journaling helps a lot!! and im on a social media/ dopamine detox, im very detached from everyone nowadays, spending more time alone w/ my thoughts, and as via said, indulging in your fav activites, hobbies can rlly help as well :]
@@oshicalz I do that as well I'm literally the same u know as much as i love my family I do like being alone one day have to break this because I know it's not good for mental health get more depressed and more cut off aha
@@oshicalz what type of hobbies do u have that helps 😆maybe can help others too
@@abbz23 oh then, cutting off ppl easily might not be fruitful for everyone! it was for me becs i was surrounded with toxicity, so i feel more peaceful now! maybe you should try interacting with people more? try going to new places and be social! i used to be very socially anxious and awkward b4, but now i dont worry about what others think of me. i think this has helped me a lot in making new friends and being extroverted. maybe try practicing self love more! take yourself out on dates, pamper yourself, etc.
I just had this conversation with my sister. And girl same, I’m so afraid of being vulnerable that it outweighs the want of being in a relationship. With friends you can just choose to share good times, a little bit of your problems too and once you go home you’re on your own they don’t know what happens beyond those walls.
That is what scares me from having an intimate relationship with someone. It’s because that person will breakthrough this surface that you’ve put up yourself. And goes beyond the walls of who you are at home, what you are like with your family, what type of family you have. Your trauma with them, the deepest darkest things you keep to yourself that you are not proud of. And I’m just not comfortable with sharing that with someone. And I feel like not sharing that with that someone just to fill the need to be in a relationship is unfair.
I feel that, and really, it takes so much bravery to share those things with a potential partner and in part a readiness to be okay with them not accepting you too. I can tell you though that if the right person does come around they will listen to you and make your darkest things feel no greater part of you than a single hair strand.
damn …
the nail 💅
the head you hit on it 🤯
same!
as a person who loves to idealize a person and their head and fantasize a whole ass series off of them 🤡 i love this video sm ^^ thank u for sharing it, via
And then freak out when they actually ask you on a date? 😂
I do this and my problem is that I always like people who I know wouldn’t go for me and that in itself is a problem, because maybe they would. Then I don’t even try to get their attention or get to know them at all.
Oh, I thought you were describing me. 😅😬🙋🏽♀️
So real 😭
It’s crazy how we’re honestly the same person. I have the same attachment style and it’s comforting to know that there’s someone out there that relates to how I feel. It’s like I want love and relationships, but I’m also scared of showing everything (like you said, those happy emotions are not always consistent) and I get scared when people actually want to hang out and talk to me. It’s a complicated feeling.
Legitimately felt like I was the only person on earth feeling like this too. It's so nice to know I'm not alone!
Sameeee you ain’t alone :)
As a dismissive avoidant (slight FA), I can identify with a lot of what's said here. Maybe TMI but I'm 26 and have never dated. I've ultimately come to the conclusion that I don't really know what real love is, because my parents definitely didn't teach it to me. A basic desire for intimacy and connection is something that all humans instinctually desire, but I'm a firm believer now that actual love is something that is taught and practiced. It's hard to do for those of us who grew up in a loveless environment in the same way that it's for someone to learn a foreign language as an adult--meanwhile, it's as easy and natural as speaking your native tongue for someone who did grow up in a loving environment. That's why it can seem like us insecure attachers are like incomprehensible aliens to secure attachers and vice versa. And that's why us insecure attachers tend to be hopeless romantics, because without loving parents the only place we were "taught" love is through fiction. It's also why insecure attachers attract each other, because we feel seen and understood, we love familiarity even when it's toxic. One has to learn both how to express love and how to let themselves be loved. My best idea at this point is to find someone who is securely attached and have them teach me. There is certainly stuff I can do on my own too to help. I think the core of all attachment issues is self-esteem. When my self-esteem is low, both my avoidance and anxious-attaching brain kick into high gear. And so as cliché as it is, I think what they say is true--you should learn to love yourself for healthy relationships. And that's something that can be worked on outside of a relationship through therapy, journaling, and treating yourself like the main character of your story because that's who you are. Bless everyone here
I agree with the comment about the toxicity of it all. I'm usually on the receiving end of another person's romantic interests or attachments but I'm simply unable to feel love but want to at least learn to love myself. However, the other person tended to also be fearful or so insecure and it would make me so uncomfortable. Knowing I don't have any foundation for love, theirs also wasn't secure enough even if they thought they were. So the only thing it's created for me in the handful of times, was an awful falling out with each of these people. I could see it wouldn't work out but they didn't until it was too late, even after expressing as much as I could as I grew older and understood myself more.
I'm 26 as well and dismissive avoidant and I definitely feel the same way. My parents didn't teach me about love at all and I had to rely on social media, movies, etc and now that I am older, I see how tainted that is for a child to have to do growing up. To others we are seen as attention seekers and attachers like you said but its really, we just want to be loved like everyone else and felt we didn't get that basic necessity growing up. Yes working on yourself plays a huge part, but wanting and desiring love and intimacy is a basic thing many of us were robbed of getting. Which is why I just grew up keeping it away from me and even when I tried to "date" it always failed so in my mind it programmed it as I am always right when it comes to love, its not meant for me so I will stop trying. But one day I'll work on it. Just wanted to let you know for you that it will get better and slowly, we will get the love and intimacy we deserve
I am eighteen and I absolutely relate to you
I'd say look in the mirror. Are you happy with the person you see? If not work on improving yourself be it drinking more water, exercising, eating healthier food over the months (a unhealthy snack is okay just don't over do it), Accutane for acne (if applicable), cute haircut, cute clothes, go back to collage even if it community. I guarantee someone will find you attractive and want to go on a date with you maybe it might take a whole year but everyone has to start somewhere the only thing scary about the future is regretting what you didn't do.
Feel deep satisfaction after reading what you have written..I wish the relationship that me and my gf had as two born avoidants could be saved. As one of them took the leap of faith and Love and discovered a world on the other side. But the girl could not. And the relationship had to be ended after a decade long long-distance conversation of the guy explaining the girl how to take the leap of Love. Wishes Hope remain buried in the heart but as if a living who has accepted to consider the casket as it's only home. The road of true pure Love & Hope took him through this tumultuous ride of emotions. It was exactly a fight between "day ONE" and "ONE day".
God bless all.
“Our friends are not our caretakers and they won’t treat us in the same way” was the most freeing thing to hear that I never thought about. It’s an incredibly positive thought that is melding into my brain.
Welli'm glad it is giveing you an relief but I think that you can bea caregiver to your friend and wice wersa but it has different rythym of caregiveing than in a reletionship
Your quote of "I know what's gonna go wrong so whats the point of even trying" really speaks to me. My hobbies don't usually align with the people around me so when I try to tell them about it, they're not really interested. Or maybe it's the way I tell them about it... The really fearful way of "Oh I like this, but if you don't like it, it's fine whatever, we can talk about something else". But I'm also learning to open up and communicate better now and actually be excited to tell someone of my interests. Thanks for not making me feel lonely in this though Via!
I feel you but mine is worse. I don't have hobbies .. so I can't even answer the question, I don't want to be asked because I know what I will say is pretty much nothing.
@@MiszGreatBritain You dont have hobbies? What do you do
I love how you're showing vulnerability by talking about your fear of being vulnerable. I'm 31, been to therapy for 5 years, and just noticed that I have an avoidant attachment syle, which explains why I've managed to avoid any kind of intimate relationships.
growing up i used to feel so alone and isolated from my friends for feeling like this. i feel like these kinds of conversations weren't really happening, but now it's really nice to see so many people talking about it and sharing their experiences
I have never seen something more relatable, I am 18 and I have seen people all around me getting into relationships, but I just have this view on Love that its a really serious thing, its beyond beautiful and can't be taken lightly. And there is this fear of getting hurt by it cause it has such deep importance to me. I want to be mature enough before getting into any relationship, but its still very scary if things just don't go well and I end up getting hurt, its complicated fr.
I'm 25 and I feel you too. I been in a sort of relationship once and ended badly . It really hurt me deeply and I'm afraid to be vulnerable again 😢 I hope we both heal and find real love one day ❤
Girlie, im 18 rn (19 in a month tho aaaahhh) and i know exactly how ur feeling. Like sometimes i would have the feeling of wanting to be some one but than the other day im like "nah" because what is the point of being one if it almost always ends up in a break up and hurting me. Because bro love is also something really deep for me and I don't wanna risk it for that reason. Probs the reason why ive never been in a relationship ahahahah. But yeah ur not alone
it really feels like a chore to keep the relationships I have with my friends, and I know that if I dated someone it would be even more difficult because there’s the whole trust aspect, plus I get jealous easily
Honestly I was kinda surprised when YT recommended me this video. Because this resonates so much with me and I couldn't explain it properly. I have some other issues, but basically in the end, I feel the same way about this as you. I don't want to be vulnerable, I am terrified of opening myself up and getting hurt, or being told that I'm too difficult to deal with and I'm a bother. I'm 24 y.o. girl, a virgin, had only one relationship that ended after half a year. I feel like an alien whenever I try to explain how I view this topic with friends, that are more normal and with someone.
this feels so real, I feel exactly the same way. Probably the reason why I'm 21 and haven't dated before. From te outside it looks like when you're dating someone you need to be vulnerable and transparent with them, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I've gotten too comfortable with the idea of wearing a mask when I'm around people. And even when I get to be vulnerable with someone, it feels as if that vulnerability is by choice, like I'm not really being vulnerable if I consciously chose to let someone see a side of me I usually don't let others see, and it feels as if I'm able to show myself in a way that will make me look good even when I'm being vulnerable. And if I think about it for a second, that makes no sense because if I do that, that's not being vulnerable at all. That's very different from, for example, getting in an argument with someone and them seeing how you behave when you put your persona/mask down. I honestly don't think I show that to people at all, so I just live in constant fear that people will see that and think I lied to them because I showed them a version of me that is fabricated and doesn't really exist. It also feels kind of lonely to feel like no one in the world really knows the actual you, the you that is inside behind all the masks and barriers.
omg this is my exact thought process
"It also feels kind of lonely to feel like no one in the world really knows the actual you, the you that is inside behind all the masks and barriers." this!!:(
I feel completely they same. I’m 22 now. Have had this problem all my life with avoiding people when things might get serious… imagining them in my head but not giving them a chance in real life to get to know them.
I always think of the worst even before I try because I know I’ll get hurt in the end, so I might as well just end everything now. I focus too much on my own flaws to be able to believe that other people might like the “not perfect” me and I overperform a lot. So I reached a point where I’m almost lying to myself because I pretend to be this bubbly cheerful funny person in front of others, even when I’m not, or when I’m actually having a really hard time. I guess it comes with people-pleasing tendencies that I have. Probably the worst combo with fearful-avoidant attachment.
Anyway, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels the same❤️
I have the same situation like you, and I am so tired of me being like that.
I'm 27. Afraid of loving real people. But also I don't feel need to date. Confused and depressed.
Maybe you're on the a-spectrum? Like, you're part of the asexual community but not necessarily asexual specifically
@@lazy.a.g6566Sometimes that’s not even the answer. As someone that feels what the person is saying, I use to think that I was on the asexual spectrum but it’s just the fear and knowing that dating isn’t necessary.
Trauma shapes my perception of people entirely and I hate it in a way. I feel awful sometimes, I tried yet the memories of the trauma kept popping up.
I’m 22, fearful avoidant, and no one has said how I feel towards friendships and relationships until you. I love romance but I feel so skeptical of it and at the first hint of feels, I genuinely want to run away. Expectations of how I should be based on how “extra” I act keeps me up at night. Thank you I feel so validated. I sometimes get so frustrated with how contradictory I can be, being scared of intimacy, but also wanting to be loved so bad and I constantly wonder if anyone else is as neurotic as me❤️
I am also 22 and feel the same way as you. You are not alone 🤗
I feel this exact same way as well
I am precisely the same; how I see it, it's all about self-love. Developing a strong bond with yourself, knowing that you got yourself regardless of how much people may hurt you. It is nice to know there are people there for you but nothing beats loving yourself despite your fears and insecurities, because not many people will do that, only you can give yourself what you truly need. Cultivating acceptance, patience, and compassion within yourself will eventually reflect on your relationships
Via, i don't even know how to sum up this fact but your journal entries and healing diaries have given me so much input and clarity to my own feelings its rather reliving. The fear of intimacy, feeling worthless, lonely even though one likes being alone but still wants people in their life, the need to start to live for myself, in all of these videos i could feel like i could see a part of myself being represented to the hundred thousands of people. By these videos you aren't just assuring people that they are not alone, but you are also helping people seek out their own journey and troubles with it. I believe the people who can relate are not looking for an answer when they watch your videos, it gives them context and so much clarity and analysis as to what problem they are in deep down.
i hope soon enough one day you and thousands of us reach to a positive end on this journey :)))
This hits the nail on the head in so many ways. So happy you put these feelings into words
Via’s videos make me feel so exposed in the best way ❤
Becoming vulnerable is definitely a difficult process if you had a hard childhood. The best way to approach it is to work on your insecurities and to keep being vulnerable. Once you get comfortable in your own skin and accept who you are as person it becomes much easier to be open about who you are. Granted there are people who won't accept you that's fine nobody can please everyone. It's unfortunate that you had to experience an acquaintance flaking on you over THEIR idea. Take it as a leason of making sure to act in your own best interests instead of deferring to someone else.
As an anxious avoident person this is the first time I've related so much with a person. Even with friends and family I can never seem to be vulnerable and always end up wearing a mask or keeping everything to myself, basically what you said . I kind of feel seen that it's okay to feel this way and I'm not rude or distant intentionally.
Also my jaw DROPPED when I saw you in the changing room trying the outfits on YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL IN THOSE DRESSES I LOVE YOUR STYLE
I feel like intimacy and love has lost it’s “childlike vulnerability” where everything was simple and more straightforward and we were so new to everything and always more optimistic than pessimistic. I feel like the older we get love has these never-ending unrealistic standards to reach and we lose “real love” for not only FOR ourselves but for any type of relationship in general. Love should be simple and calming yet strong and reassuring. ❤️🦋
As an almost 22 year old girl who never dated I get it. I'm in therapy too, not mainly for this, but it's all connected. I don't fear vulnerability in the showing the real me kind of way. I grew up with people I gave my all, willingly, ending up disappointing, betraying and crushing me, to all those who say friendship breakup are not as bad clearly never had a real one. Now I also never had someone my age (or a little older or younger) ever telling me I was pretty, but all the grown-ups telling me I was the most beautiful (for info I'm a ginger with green eyes so yeah I always thought they liked my uniqueness more than my beauty). Now I know most people knew I was pretty and never told me, but the feeling of never been chosen is still there. So now the rare times someone shows they like me I go into panic attack mode and protect myself by making that person a designated fuck boy with no respect for women, so I feel less guilty. I know it's messed up, I literally blew it with a friend of my childhood friend, who I was told was the sweetest and I can say that he was so freaking handsome, and I messed up all because of trauma people gave me. However it was my decision to avoid him all night, not my friends (who where also among the people that I said earlier) they were in fact the first to tell me I should give it a try. As a person that has literally never done nothing aside from spin the bottle kisses, I planted in my head the thought that "oh now I'm gonna be a bad kisser since it's my first time" that is if we kissed " and he is gonna make fun of me to my childhood friend and it will be like a meme" which if it happened it would be them being horrible people not any of my fault, but 99% it wouldn't have happened even IF I was the worst kisser. All those if torment me to this day, all the useless anxiety and panic comes back whenever I'm triggered and I hate it since I'm a person that loves love, but has never experienced nothing but platonic love
You should get rid of the mindset that all guys are fuck boys that's a toxic mindset to have your going to scare any guys from talking to you, beauty fades with age that's a fact for most women unless you have superb skin genetics luckily I'm a guy and have gotten better looking over the ages which for most guys they get better looking with age. You have red hair and green eyes that's a beautiful combination your most defiantly going to meet a couple of douches in your dating career which is normal some guys are going to be boring, some might just want to sleep with you but that's life your going to get your heart broken its inevitable. Your not getting any younger work on improving yourself be it hobbies, exercise, nutrition, personality. Which is over looked by alot of people it involves not only listening but adding to a conversation to keep it going. Or would you rather be that lonely chick in the sweatpants watching k dramas or the hot chick who has her life together who some guy might want to marry down the line.
@@the1vampfire284seems like you have your own toxic mindsets you need to get rid of
This is the first time I have ever found someone who feels the same way that I do when it comes to love. This was so comforting to watch
i love these dairies, these are so real and genuine
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this much heard without even saying anything
THE FACT THAT I CAN ALWAYS RELATE!!!😭😭😭😭
I'm a 23 female and I get you :( For me it doesn't help that all women in my family married/dated douchebags that took away beautiful parts of them, so, even if someone of my type showed up, I wouldn't feel comfident or comfortable with them for constantly being on defense. Thanks for sharing, best of wishes for you
i can't believe that you literally described how i feel all my life. i always find hard to express my feelings and thoughts about being vulnerable and seeing that someone else is expressing what i feel really comforted me. i love listening your thoughts 🌷🤍
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling for so many years! I am so grateful for this video. You’ve explained this so well. None of my friends understand why I so easily just block people (ik that’s so toxic…) But now this video and all these lovely people in the comments showed me that they struggle the same as me. I personally just want to protect myself this way. Been hurt very badly in the past and naturally I’ve built these walls around me. I think this is a very long journey. Learning how to get out of this and everyone’s path will be different. But ultimately the solution could be therapy for some, talking to the people around you (you’d be surprised to see how many different perspectives others can have), learning more about yourself trough self love (possibly achieved trough: alone dates in a cafe, self care routines, I strongly recommend meditation and walks, there are many good podcasts and books on that) and what in the end after you’ve worked on yourself will be the game changer is to “just” jump over this wall you’ve built around you. Risk it and trust someone. But this will only work if the other person is willing to listen to you and cooperate. If they give you time and actually what to help you trough this it’s all possible. This has been my problem too. My ex partner wasn’t willing to give me time at all. He didn’t understand that part of me which is also the okay. Not everyone will understand us but then this person isn’t for me. Just don’t give up and keep trying. As long as you’re doing something it’s already great💜
What’s comforting to me is that I know someone exactly like you, and knowing her helps me understand you. It’s comforting that I get what you’re saying because I know someone so close to me that can relate to you.
I feel so seen with these videos. Thank you for opening up and trusting us enough to post them. I, too, have never dated because I‘m a fearful avoidant coupled with being an introvert AND shy. Intimacy/vulnerability and showing another person who I truly am really scares me. I feel like I always have to be perfect and if they see that I have flaws, I will get rejected and therefore deeply hurt. Deep down I know it‘s because I don‘t feel good enough which rationally i understand is just not true. Still, it feels real to me and it‘s hard to shake those negative beliefs about myself.
One thing I found that helped me is learning to accept rejection and the possibility of rejection. We feel like it reflects on who we are and our values but their perception shouldn't have a say in how much you choose to shine. Learning to say "you may or may not like me, and that's okay, because I do" is very powerful though it takes time to develop. Either way, the right person will see every part of you and not just make you feel accepted or special, but make you feel.. normal.
Just gonna send this to her real quick since you put everything into words and I want her to understand why it's so hard for me to make a move. Thank you so much for this! I've been feeling so alone and confused all my life because I felt this way and no one around me had any problem with the fear of relationships. No one ever understood why I was so scared of something I craved so much. I just want to be loved, I want to hold her hand and cuddle and kiss and dance in the rain with her and do all this cheesy romantic stuff that you see in movies but I'm so scared of being vulnerable. I want to see her everyday, even if it's to just sit next to each other doing our own thing. We're both at the same uni and everytime I go on campus I can't help but look for her, even when I'm running late to class. I want to be with her so bad but I'm so scared, I'm so scared that if I let her in she'll see how effed up I am and run in the opposite direction. I'm so tired of being alone but I don't know how to not be
I think because of childhood truama and the envionment i grew up in i'm scared to be vulnerable with ppl , so i relate to that .
Love you via hope your staying safe.
wait. why is this LITERALLY me. every single bit. every part. i'm so baffled but kind of happy that i know that someone exactly like this is out there... i really crave love but i'm afraid. i've also never dated. the vulnerability, the fear of wasting others' time and realizing you just like the idea of them but not actually them, the inability to trust, personal issues, the unrealistic standards... and the fear of change... all of that... same here. i'm aware of all of this as well... and i don't know where this manifested for me, but it's who i am.
i'm Disorganized /Fearful-Avoidant. im 16 and i relate so so bad. communication, being vulnerable, fast attachment is something i need to deal better with. i remember being younger ( 1-6years ) and always crying, i always cried and the kids would call me a crybaby and make fun of me for it. i don't think that helped me . i haven't cried in front of anyone now, not even when my cats passed away, i do it in my room in secret. in relationships i'm always doubting, thinking they dont care about me as much as i care about them, being sus of their intentions, being attached to easily and putting them on a pedestal doesnt help either. i wish i was secure attachment style
I’ve never seen someone so perfectly execute how I felt in one video. This is so utterly relatable. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability here.
This showed up after I got back from Psychology class.. we literally learned about the attachment styles today. You like me and so many people have the anxious (fearful) avoidant attachment style. Obviously I don't know you or your childhood, but the attachment styles form during childhood as a result of the emotional relationship you have with your caregiver(s). I know for me my dad was barely home and was indifferent towards my emotions and my mom would go from indifferent to caring and vice versa. Having such a relationship with your parents causes you to want to be accepted so bad you act how you think you will be accepted, aka people please, and also avoid getting too close as to not let people see YOU instead of the version of you that you broadcast. For me I avoided forming friendships until middle school and didn't feel comfortable opening up to those friends until Junior year of High School (6 years of friendship with most of them), and when I've been in relationships I'm more closed of about myself (which is why I've given up until I am healed enough through therapy).
This attachment style isn't just from emotional abuse/neglect. Neurodivergent people in particular struggle with this at a higher rate due to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which causes the same attachment style even if you had a secure relationship with your parents; still needs therapy for it but it will function differently to an extent.
Also as an over thinker I realized, dating is just about enjoying one another’s company. We don’t have to make it this big deal or grand thing. It’s just caring about someone. Know your boundaries and stick to them but other than that, just learn how to love your partner even in their good and bad just like you would want someone to do for you.
I agree ☝🏽
I hope one day to get to this stage. I think for me (and the ppl I feel can relate in the comments), it’s hard to imagine someone overlooking your flaws enough to enjoy your company. It easy to be a pleaser when you’re insecure and want to be nice and kind and impressive to the other person, but then you’re projecting all your energy outward. You can’t accept love back or know how to love yourself bc it’s all out and not in. So then it would be one sided and not healthy - then it circles back to “why bother,” haha
@@milkflavoredyeah facts. I agree it is hard not to people please. Still in my relationship (1st one) and now that’s it’s been like 5 months my real self is coming out more. I’m starting to question myself. It’s not easy but there’s self growth from being in the relationship.
it's ok if in my 16 years of life i find all her videos relatable? Idk, you're like the big sister i never had, ilys ❤
i am 1 minute in and i want to say that I love you, even though love is a strong word and you shouldn't throw it around, because you're so real it's unbelievable.
That's so relatable!I have never dated before.There are times when you wish to have a partner but you just don't want to deal with all the drama like breakups etc.Thanks for sharing this,it obviously takes a lot of courage to do so.
I'm 29 this year, and I struggle a lot with wanting to run away when I feel very vulnerable in a relationship, and even avoid conflict because I don't know how to handle them and solve the issue confidently. It's common knowledge that when you are raised by parents with similar attachment styles and they do not parent you well, or they themselves are too occupied with the work/financial problems/marriage problems - they don't exactly teach you how the fuck to communicate in a relationship healthily/safely without feeling like you're losing your face or your low self esteem kicks in full swing and you ignore the other person. They don't tell you or SHOW YOU HOW TO TALK ABOUT ISSUES AS THE ADULTS THEY ARE.
It fucking sucks - and it's happened constantly throughout my life and I didn't think it's an issue until recent few years and I know that it's not my fault, and I cannot blame myself entirely. I know too that I'm not my attachment style and poor upbringing.
I'm trying to work on my self esteem and change the way I talk to myself, especially my inner child. I am so desperate to improve my self esteem and be less hard on myself that I ended up feeling down because IT'S SO HARD. :(
My exact same story. I’m 29 as well and have never dated because of this exact reason. Still a V . You’re not alone
im 20, never been in a relationship or went on a date or anything like that. while i do crave all of that stuff, its hard to imagine myself being romantic and all lovey dovey. i cringe at it and ik its so sad but the thought of calling someone babe or being really nice to them in a lovey way seems so weird to me. its also cause I'm afraid that they don't really like me like that. i didn't grow up hugging my parents/siblings or showing any signs of affection.
when I'm talking to guys (usually via online hehe), i sometimes find myself bantering with them in a teasing way and cant seem to get past that "stage". i'm currently forcing myself to try to show more affection over text...i can only imagine how hard its gonna be in real life.
I’m 26 but same 😭
Your going to have bad dates this isn't a k drama where everything is all sparkles your not going to find the right person first try that's like someone saying hey fly this plane when you have no experience flying one. You have to date because your going to build up the story in your head not only are you going to be disappointed but you might waste so much time that you could have been earning experience. Figure out a hobby you enjoy find a guy that likes that same hobby say you want to hang out to A. do that hobby together. Maybe feeling with happen then go from there its not rocket science. People like attractive people wear cute clothes, exercise, do skincare imagine who you want to be and work towards that person it might take a year maybe two but you have to work towards the better you.
It’s so refreshing how much I can resonate with you and others here in this community- I don’t feel as alone
I discovered your channel over a month ago and I just wanna say that it's crazy how relatable you are and I find you really inspiring. Your channel is a huge to me at the moment. As a current highschool student, it'd be nice if maybe one day you could make a video like "things I wish I knew in highschool" or something like that. I love you Via and keep doing what you're doing! 💗
i’ll def take note of this!
I can relate to this so much. I'm 28 and I never dated and I always felt like I was afraid of love and vulnerability. Only recently I looked more into asexuality and aromanticism and learned that labels can be a tool to help explain things better to others and if they fit for now they fit and if it might change over time you shouldn't feel pressured to explain yourself to anyone.
Plus it helped me to reflect "do I actually want a relationship or is it just the underlying expectation from society that I must get into one?" Which lifted a lot of weight off me and made me so much more content with who I am and how I live.
Life is nothing but taking risks and and solving problems, with brief moments of happiness, which come when you least expect them.
I'm a 13 year old and my life is pretty tough specially at school. Watching your videos is so inspirational. It's like therapy. I love you so much, you are so great. ❤
Edit: Thank you so much! For the likes! :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
It felt like I was listening to myself. Everything's on point like you've read me. Thank you so much for this. I feel warm and comforted 🥺
Idk how you do it, but you always say the right words at the right moment.. You say things I unconsciously need to hear and it’s really comforting…
By the way I discovered you channel a few days ago and some of your videos had already such a big impact on me it’s amazing 💌
watching this is like looking in a mirror because everything you've said applies to me, it's as if you've written a script from my thoughts. i was recently diagnosed with BPD after a recent friendship breakup and I'm starting a therapy journey this week. it really is hard when you sit back and realize that you haven't always been this way but somehow at some point you ended up putting yourself in a box that no one can get into. and if someone does get inside, you do your best to prevent them from getting out. it really sucks knowing your issue and struggling to explain it to people or feeling like you can't fix it at all. hopefully things get better for everyone that feels this way
watching and listening to via makes me feel like i’m learning from a big sister on how i should live my life
i discovered your channel last week and i just fell in love with your authenticity and how you can put all these thoughts into words, it feels so comforting knowing that a lot of us have these experiences and while some people fall into despair because of them, there are also people like you who can speak about these experiences openly, who can show acceptance or a journey to it. i relate so much to that anxious-avoidant attachment, this falling fast and deep into friendships and being hit by the reality later, that need for validation that comes from knowing someone you just met already likes you too, the borderline desperation mixed with moments of indifference when they hurt you or leave. or leaving them first because suddenly you just do not care enough due to certain circumstances. it really is interesting how we navigate this attachment style and how we still try to make long-lasting connections, we want that deep thing but it is also so scary - especially romance
thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, hope you have an amazing week via
You literally verbalized all the thoughts that occupy my mind, this is amazingly mind-blowing.
Thank you so much for such a beautiful, vulnerable video 💛
the way i relate to each and every single word you said throughout this video is just crazy. nobody can understand how i feel about love. youre like the first person who perfectly summed it up for me. i do the same exact things that u do fr
I struggle in a lot of similar aspects as well. One thing I constantly need to remind myself of is acceptance of myself and others for who we are. If I can't accept myself, how can I accept someone else? Confronting this is a super difficult task and maybe I'll never have a definitive appreciable answer but all I can do is try to improve and stay positive.
Best of luck on your journey!!!
This is really relatable for me. What is worst is that I am bad at communicating and articulating what I feel. Nice content and wish you a good rest of your day.
This is kinda the very reason I started therapy too. I just could not express myself and be vulnerable to people. I support you. Thank you so much for posting this , it feels very relatable ... Love you so much.
When you talk about your attachement style, that really speaks to me, getting attached super fast to people and then slowly discovering that you don't align as well . Also, it's an exhausting thing to live because everytime you get attached to someone and they leave after some time after you openning up a little bit, you have to go through the "talking stage " of friendship or romantic relationship again. I guess it's one of the reasons why with time I don't try that much to open up to people or to create genuine relationships because I know that the pain on creating new connections and going through the same process over and over again is draining.
Plus the vulnerability of openning up is pretty scary yeah :)
On another note, I'm really loving this series and I hope it helps you on some level too ! Thanks a lot for sharing raw thoughts like that, it's precious. And for anyone reading this, if you relate, it is ok, take your time and you will end up finding a path that fits you
I’m 21 and I’ve never felt more understood than right now by watching your video. I subscribed to your channel. Thanks for making feel understood and normal❤
Thank you so much for speaking about this in such an open way. Dealing with these kinds of insecurities and struggles can feel so isolating, especially if you're introverted. But knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way gives me hope❤
I never related so much to someone. You described how I feel perfectly, scarily accurate actually. Next time a person asks my why I am the way I am I'll show them this
This made my heart so happy! I feel so seen so thank you, it’s always been so difficult to cope or understand where the issue lies bc this runs so deep under the surface. It’s hard to find people who you can relate to when you don’t even know how to let yourself get close enough to see that part of someone else. It can feel so lonely, and make you feel so broken, without much of a clue as to why. But I’m finally on the same journey of understanding as you are now and that’s such a big deal! Yay us! Thank you for this video. No words could describe how much this means to me.☺️
These videos give me so much comfort knowing that I am not the only one who goes through these types of experiences and feelings :)) Also, this feels like talking with an older sister!! Luvyaaa, Via!! 💛
LUV U MORE
I have an avoidant dismissive attachment, which means I LOVE running away when things get serious. but I swear I've been working on myself since I read about it. it's just I don't understand why I get excited to break up with someone?? I broke up with my bf yesterday and he was amazing but of course he has some flaws like me like any other human being, I just didn't want to go thro it all again. I had a horrible marriage, bad relationships, the only guy that I felt really atractted to had the same attachment style which made things worse cause we kept running away from eachother and coming back as if nothing happened! I mean now I ended it all, I deleted all my social accounts. I have this problem of hating people but I want to have some people around.
I also have this problem of not wanting to ask for help and I feel like I can help myself and count ONLY on myself. it's crazy how you're fully aware of your problems but you don't want to ask for help still. I just want to stop giving people a hard time, my last relationship made it clear that I'm not meant to be in relationship and I just like to be single.
OMG WHY IS THIS SO RELATABLE????? you just put my thoughts and fears in one video 😭 i feel a lot more free after knowing that i'm not the only one who has this kind of issues so thank you 💖 (but honestly sometimes i just think that i don't even deserve to be loved lmao)
I used to be a fearful avoidant and my current bf used to be an anxious preoccupied. Having traditional asian parents and also being bullied for a chunk of my primary and high school years made me a hopeless romantic but also be very critical of any potential partners and feeling suffocated at the thought of committing.
Honestly, it saved me from the trauma of having toxic relationships like my friends did, but I also had to do a lot of work to separate reality from doubt when I decided to enter my first relationship because in my head I knew he was a literal walking green flag.
He is a literal saint and taught me how unconditional love feels. When something bothered either of us he made sure I felt safe and loved. He also gave me the space I needed when I felt triggered and allowed me to work on accepting expressions of affection (ofc, communication and reassurance on both sides were key).
Some of the things I learned in growing to have a stable attachment style with my first and current bf is:
- The right person won't necessarily give you feelings of infatuation.
- You will have doubts during the first few weeks and months of the relationship.
- You will need to work on appreciating the now and letting go of worries and doubts.
- You will need to accept the fact that you cannot know the future and learn to be okay with that.
- You will need to work on communicating your worries and reassuring yourself.
- The right person will work on growing with you.
- The right person won't necesarily be the most physically attractive, have the same hobbies, like the same music, have the same personality/ interests etc. They will, however, share your values and accept you as you are.
- The right person won't withhold or reward you wih affection based on your performance as a partner.
- The right person will just want to have fun with you.
I think its okay to wait to pursue a relationship w anyone if its because you feel you aren't ready
Im crying, this is exactly how I feel and it is frustrating when ppl assuming I refuse to be in relationship because I was being picky while I am not, I am just scared for being hurt.. Once you started trusting someone, thinking they might not doing the same terrified me...
Thanks Via, i always feel better when you upload. As a 22 year old going through very similar experiences this make me feel less alone.
I loved how honest and relatable this journal was, it gave me a sense of comfort to know I'm not the only one who has these feelings and thoughts.
Wow, you describe me to a T. I'm 23 and I always perform such silly complex mental gymnastics to talk myself out of pursuing anything with someone I like. Even though I'm lonely, and want to love and be loved so badly. But the idea of being perceived deeply, and of someone seeing me in a vulnerable and flawed state, is just too scary. I would struggle to accept the love and I don't want to hurt someone with that.
I’ve been on this journey for a year now (I’m in my early 20’s). I didn’t realize it was problem until I met this guy that I really liked (which is rare for me, lol) and I wanted something with him, but then I realized how closed off I was and he was the same. Meeting him made me realize how much I want a deep connection with someone, but I have to overcome my fear of vulnerability and intimacy in order to do so. Within this past year I’ve been more vulnerable with my friends, which has helped SO much. It’s baby steps. Thank you for sharing your journey ❤️
struggling with this for a few years now but it had gotten worse for the past year because i drastically lost a lot of my very close friends. it took a HUGE toll on me because i was the complete opposite growing up. i used to be very open, very expressive. i love communicating things out, very cheerful, friendly, a social buttefly who would bring people together, who would be the one who initiates hang outs and introduce everyone to each other but now whenever i meet new people, i become sooo socially awkward. it’s like i’m not myself when i’m in those moments. something that used to be natural to me, now became something i struggle a lot with and it could be something as simple as just socialising. i used to be that bright kid that teachers couldn’t handle and changing my seat in class would do nothing but now i avoid people wanting to get close to me (eventho deep down i wanna be closer to them too). i avoid people so much that i’m now known as someone who is “always alone” when just 2 years ago, i couldn’t even go to the toilet alone at school. physical touch was my number 1 love language among my friends and im very known for that, but now i never initiate them or just limit them. like you said, things didnt end well when you actually opened up to someone and thats when you developed this avoidant attachment style. and in my case, it’s just so heartbreaking to me because eventho it could just be that i was not compatible with my old friends, i lost too many at once (ranging from 6-11 years worth of friendships) to take it positively. so now i just have this fear that everyone will leave me anyway or that they will hate me when they see the real me so might as well keep everything to myself when things get difficult. i was labeled oversensitive, always seen as someone who makes a big deal out of nothing, and i admit, i got upset over little things a lot back then but now i really am clueless as to what decree is something deemed trivial that i end up keeping everything to myself, even the unacceptable “actual big deal”. i just learn to live with it atp. i’m scared of forming bonds, i’m scared of initiating healthy communication because it has been misunderstood a lot so i just don’t bother to connect anymore. but deep down, i crave it so much. i crave being vulnerable and i know i should fix it somehow because it’s slowly destroying me but i’ve also learned to enjoy being alone so i got something out of it as well. i really dont know what to do but one thing for sure is that this wall is going to be a tough one to break
She just explained the thoughts I have been trying to explain for years
I’ve always felt like this (I’m 21) and I always hated it because as you said I don’t do it on purpose. I know that the way I can act and feel can be labeled as a red flag but it’s so hard to get rid of it. And I also felt the getting way too attached but not feeling like I know them. It’s also probably why anyone that I’ve gotten into a relationship with has not lasted over a month. And it’s been YEARS since my last “relationship” and I craveeeee being able to be vulnerable with someone but at the same time I want someone to love ME not the mask that I feel like I have to put on
im also so scared of guys who have bad intentions or will physically hurt me. I guess growing up never being in relationships or around guys, all I know of is those scary m*rder cases of relationships gone bad. I know this sounds scary and extreme, but it is true. i'm scared of guys seeing me for my body, i'm scared of guys with bad intent thinking that is every guy. im scared every man is rotten in the brain even though i've never personally experinced that. yl?
Okay I’m 5 minutes in and I can relate to all of these feelings you’re describing almost 100%. I can’t believe someone else is feeling the same way I do about love 😭❤️
idk. its SO hard to explain. i like this guy. hes so nice and he isnt ugly, and the other day he said that last year he liked me, but he said he stopped at the end of the school year bc we didnt see each other much and he was graduating grade eight so he wouldnt be at my school anyways bc im going INTO grade 8. (ik im young pls dont judge) but we snap a lot, have a streak, full face, etc. but theres mixed signals. sometimes he double snaps full face and then when i answer he sends me the wall. but he also asked me not even an hour ago how i was and so i said good and asked hbu? he said “good, looking for a gf lmao” i said oh snap! and he said “you need to find me someone lol” and i said idk anyone lol and he said ur single tho? and i said ya but im not looking to date. im so confused with myself. i cant sleep at night. hes in my dreams bc im thinking abt him and this so much. i dont wanna like him bc i dont wanna feel like this anymore but on the other hand i wanna be able to date him and enjoy it bc either i like him, or the attention, either way i get butterflies and excited when hes around, and i dont see him the same way as i see my other friends. it’s confusing. if i dont figure this out soon hes gonna give up and find someone new at his new school. idk if im not gonna care, or have a mental breakdown bc i missed my chance. its so hard, i need help, and advice. i talked to my older brothers gf about it shes like my best friend, but it didnt help as much as i needed it to. im scared, truly.
update her got a girlfriend:)
I've been scared to talk to people about how I feel (even friends/family) but I relate to this sooo much and I'm so surprised and relieved that someone (you) put it so perfectly into words.. And that by reading the comments seeing that actually a lot of people know this feeling/behaves this way. So thank you so much for opening up, Via. I wish you the best of luck and I'm looking forward to your next videoes
You are me . I am you. When I tell you everything , every thought about relationships I internally think about you have voiced out. It's like only another avoidant will get. It's hard when you know you are the problem and ur going to be the problem so that also makes stay away from relationships altogether .
I just came across your channel a few days ago. I am just like you. People misunderstand me as well. I am very introverted myself so I feel what you feel. In the past I have tried to act like other people to be noticed. It doesn't work. You just have to be your self and not like anybody else. Like your videos. I can relate.😊
I hope you know that even if you feel like there's not a lot to learn from you and that you still have a long way to go, you're still inspiring. Even if you feel like you're not entitled to give advice on something you're still working on, posting these videos on the internet for people to see and feel understood, is very very helpful. Therapy for me is still a hard topic to think about, but content like this makes me realize that there's people out there who have similar experiences, values and insecurities, and that everyone deserves to feel heard no matter what the issues are
I relate greatly. I also tend to overthink quite a bit. But something that stood out to me was, you say you don't want to label yourself, yet you label yourself as avoidant. Rather that avoiding labels all together, what has worked for me is being aware of how I am consciously/unconsciously labeling myself, and picking what I want and then challenge my assumptions of the ones I don't want. After all, labels don't even have to be permanent. When you are born you are a baby, then you become a child, then teenager, adult, etc. To me, those are labels aswell. Realizing that has helped me inmensely. What if you're not really avoidant? What if you just have, for example, PTSD of being hurt in the past? I used to label myself as introverted quite a bit, but realized I actually crave social interaction, but was feeling drained because those interactions were surface level. So, watch out for the labels you subtly give yourself!!
Wow. I neverrr looked at it this way. Thank you for your insight!
i love your how much awareness you have and how open you are about your fearful-avoidant thought process!
i'm so glad you're talking about it because most people don't understand it at all and that makes it even harder to be connect with people. it's very scary to accept that you will be misunderstood, especially when you were chronically misunderstood/neglected/etc. as a child, but taking small risks helps so much.
i used to try and predict all the ways in which people would misunderstand or dismiss what i wanted to say/express and it always prevented me from connecting. although i was very self aware about my attachment style and felt like i could be completely vulnerable (only) with myself, i also used that to rationalize why i didn't need anybody. and when someone good came my way, i even spiraled for a full year because i made up this narrative in my head that i hadn't changed/healed and had once again attracted an emotionally available person. that ended up not being true once i stepped into reality and started communicating my feelings. (not saying it will always pan out this way, but that it could! and just because it doesn't doesn't mean you will always attract the same people.)
being fearful avoidant is a terrible experience, but it's also a great teacher. i'm rooting for your healing (and anyone else who struggles with it)!!! it will happen
i'm 16 and i also have an avoidant fearful attachment style. before i discovered anything about attachment styles and how they affect your relationships, i became best friends with this one girl who we can call Chloe. Chloe and I got along pretty well but she was the COMPLETE opposite of me when it came to friendships. when i become friends with someone, i usually always have 1 foot out the doo because i just don't want to experience the potential hurt that could come from any relationship. but she was so invested in the friendship. and not just ours but all friendships. she also was very comfortable with being very open and vulnerable and wanted the same from me but i just couldn't do it. i eventually told her i didn't think we should continue the friendship. it really sucks because i feel like i treated her badly but not intentionally, i just didn't understand how you can just trust someone like completely.
the worst part is that i'm the kind of person who want deep proper friendships. i don't want to have so many friends who i'm not that close with. that's just to shallow for me.
You can't imagine how much i have searched youtube to just listen to what you said in this whole video, I was getting depressed and frustrated to see people always NORMAL around me. I am at Peace now❤. LOVE YOUIEEEE
I love ur journaling videos so much
It’s like watching an everyday vlog and listening to a podcast at the same time and ur editing is so aesthetic💗💗pls do more
I agree! That’s what I love about her videos. :))
I was crying the whole video, I'm 19yo and i really feel like I'll never be healed, I didn't take any kind of love or respect from my parents and I'm craving them so bad which make my relationships (friends and mates because I've never dated too) take me for granted. Your video really give me hope and i think I'll try again, Thank you ♥️
These videos are just hitting home rn 🩷😭
Whoa. This legit felt like the journal entry I’ve been way too afraid to write. Relatable is a complete understatement. Truly THANK YOU for choosing to be vulnerable and for sharing your experiences with all of us 🫶🏽
I feel like for me personally everytime I start to finally feel stable and secure in a friendship, things always go south. And I've come to realize it's kind of what you were talking about, that like "mask." I feel that had a lot of what to do, I was wayy too nice, too kind to the detriment of me and my priorities. I think this is because I think I always wanted that best friend, that ride or die friend. Now I understand why things always fizzled because I realize I basically gaslit myself into thinking the friendships weren't onesided (not heavily but where and when it mattered yk?) since I was scared because if not with them, where do I go? Sometimes the way we meet the people we need to meet we have to get out of our comfort zone, especially if we attract a certain group of people. Also Via I think you would really like jungian psychology because it covers some of the things you were talking about in this video ^^!
I think it's amazing you have so much insight and knowledge on serious relationships while never having been in one. I remember watching this video a while ago, but back then I feel as though it didn't hit as hard. I found there was a lot of truth in it, but I didn't really retain anything of what I learned, because I believed I didn't relate to it as much. But now, I have found this video again and it could not be any more true. I just got broken up with my almost 2 year relationship and self-love is probably the most important thing a person needs to learn if they ever want to be in a relationship. Like, you say you are avoidant to prevent getting hurt or heartbroken and you don't want to go through that pain, but why else would you do that? What other reason would you be willing to go through that heartache if not for the love and caring relationship that you build with someone else? If that is not worth it for the possibility of heartbreak, then you will never find out due to being too afraid. There is never a good time to be in a relationship. I guess that is learned by experiencing your own. But it is what you make of it. I think it definitely may help to watch videos if you are a person in a first time relationship, like I was (because I never looked up videos or anything like that, and it definitely would have helped, as I encountered the common problems as most couples do). I need more experience to know whether this statement is really true, but I think that when two people meet each other and they aren't really looking for a relationship, that may be the healthiest relationship. You shouldn't go out and look for something, otherwise you may have a set of expectations you want in your head, and just look for a certain partner that will suit that. Sure, there is probably a person that can suit your exact needs, but they may take a while to find. And in the meantime, the people that you do meet and look for these expectations within them, you are setting both you and those people you are seeking a partner in up for disappointment. Even if you do have good compatibility with someone and they are willing to be that partner for you, it may be hard, and why force that? If you can be a good partner or just a loving person, it should not be hard. I think communication is most important, which most first-time relationships have a lot of difficulty. Or just most people in general. It is hard to be vulnerable. But if you find the right person, they will be willing to go through that with you.
In my relationship, I was too dependent. I was never a really happy person before I sought him out, and of course he brought me a lot of happiness, but we both need to do our own discovering and improving ourselves and giving ourselves that love. I think we were compatible as a couple, and we still care about each other a lot, but I believe we both did not have enough experience or knowledge to sort out our issues and it got too stressful quickly. Yes, a partner is meant to bring you comfort and companionship and love, but if you seek those things only from someone else, and cannot love yourself first, then how can you expect them to love you too?
I'm so pissed, UA-cam deleted my original comment but I think this is basically the gist of what I had before. Sorry if I say some repetitive things from the video, I just wrote whatever I felt.