6 Mistakes Couples New to Polyamory Make
Вставка
- Опубліковано 7 вер 2024
- Are you starting to explore polyamory with a previously monogamous partner? Here are some common mistakes to look out for to make it a lot easier.
Polyamfam shop ⏩ polyamfam.com/...
Instagram: / polyamfam
TikTok: / polyamfam
Facebook: / polyamfam
Twitter: / thepolyamfam
#1 - Making rules instead of boundaries
#2 - Agreeing with rules or boundaries you are not comfortable with to please your partner
#3 - Establishing conflicting rules or boundaries with different partners
#4 - Trying to date too many people
#5 - Forcing a throuple
+
the distinction between rules and boundaries were such an eye opener for me! i just started exploring if i could be poly and your videos are helping me tremendously!! i would love a video where you go into details about boundaries
My biggest mistake was trying to make the other women comfortable and not feel like a mistress. That was not my responsibility, it was his.
Very wise and honest of you!!!
NRE is something I've been having to address with my partner at the moment. I think it's a huge red flag that her other person admitted to feeling less excited to see or spend time with his wife when plans fall through, while my partner was saying she felt the same towards me for our own reasons. I personally think that it should be a requirement for the original relationship to be on a solid foundation before anyone else is introduced. While I've had that heart to heart discussion with my partner about where we had been falling short because of our own individual hang-ups, I don't feel good about knowing the other guy feels that way about his wife. Something is just bound to go wrong and I don't want to be a part of that or bring that into our physical home. I'm not alright with being adjacent to a relationship that breaks up another home entirely.
Honestly, I can see why people are adverse to these kinds of relationships because they force you to be even more honest with yourself in a short period of time than traditional monogamy would.
Intriguing insight... more self awareness can't be a bad thing, eh?
My partner met another man that she fell in love with within a month. After she told me this, one day I asked her if she could help me a little with some very mild jealousy from her NRE. I told her I was very happy for her and literally the next day, she went to spend a nite with him and she never texted me “I love you, I will catch up tomorrow” which was something we both always did before we went to play with our partners. It was something we established from the beginning and never missed it once. I was very upset… it hurt bad. She told me she was too busy and forgot. There was another incident 5 days before this happened that was pretty similar with her. I can’t trust her now and it may end our relationship. This may sound like an over reaction to some but I am having a tough time with it.
Dude.. . That sounds like more trouble than it's worth.
I am on the same boat. My partner has NRE and is in denial. He fell for his partner within the month
I feel that, opened up my relationship and my partner essentially has used it as “open season”, any boundaries I tried to establish and communicate to protect myself were ignored. Sadly I think some are not meant for this. I don’t think my relationship is long for this world (7 years and it’s imploding). I seriously hope for the best for you dude
Sounds like you both need to talk about showing appreciation and reassurance. If you had a system where you'd express you loved each other before you play especially if it helped you feel more reassured, and she forgot that would make me feel like she doesn't care about reassuring her love for me and doesn't care about me. That's why it's important to have that conversation so she can understand how her actions hurt you and be given the opportunity to not do that. Could even come up with new ways to show and express love with each other. If she doesn't want to then it tells you all you need to know and you can start investing your love into someone who is more deserving. Hope it goes well
@@ranbs2h thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this more than you know. I’ve been applying this in my relationship and even in the last week conditions in my relationship have improved
I mostly agree that boundaries are what are needed, not rules, however, I don't think all rules are bad. I have only three rules for my relationships:
1.) Inform me about any STD's
2.) Inform me if you're (my partner) dating anyone else
3.) Inform me if and when you're going out on a date and where you'll be
The first rule is to protect myself, the third rule is for their protection (if something happens, like an emergency, I want to know where my partner is and that they're on a date rather than finding out from some officer that there's a missing person or John Doe issue), and the second rule is more a matter of trust. If we're not talking about the fact that we're dating other people, then we may lack consent.
They're still rules, because I'm placing them on my partners, but I believe they are completely reasonable rules. They aren't rules to limit, but rather for safety and consent. As you said, not all rules are bad.
I've found over time that in general, the fewer rules the better.
I agree that not all rules are bad. These are very reasonable. I think everyone should follow that first one.
@@polyamfam Yes, I think those three are eminently reasonable.
What I don't abide by is being in a situation which gives partners a "veto." Not unless the issue is whether to move them into the same house.
@@kenofken9458 I agree with that. I'm against rules that limit a person, basically.
@@elisakrivas Yes. The rules people concoct in many cases don't fix or even address the underlying insecurity behind them.
A point on the STD issue as well. I think quarterly testing is a great idea for anyone who is non-monogamous. I find the LGBT clinics like Howard Brown in Chicago are great for that. I've also found much more convenient main in test kits from Let's Get Checked. There are probably others as well. A full five-test panel is normally $150 but they've been having 30-35% sales lately. They're pretty simple to use. You fill a small vial with urine and a smaller one with blood from a fingerstick, then UPS overnights it to the lab. The results are usually within a few days of them getting it although I have had to get on them once or twice when they seemed to fall behind.
(Reposting from another vid for mono-poly folks) This video and this channel are great finds. Thank you. (From a not poly person, who's with an amazing, previously (and possibly future) poly human). All I can say is this: Love authentically. Accept where they're at. Don't hold back your energy and generosity of spirit to protect yourself, because you short both of you. It's not authentic and does you both a disservice. Enjoy your shared experiences. If you, as a monogamous person, decide to explore an attraction with a poly person, you need to accept them where they are, and ask the same of them for you. Anxiety will mess with your head and cause problems. Learn to love without attachment. Attachment then becomes something else: connectedness. :) Most importantly, don't worry and stress out over things that haven't happened. Bad cliff to jump off of. Keep yourself in balance and maintain your individuality. If you find it's not right for you, you may need to do the hard thing.... and give yourself time. But, if you find someone SO unique and amazing and so much of a great fit with you that you make the bold decision to be with them, then congratulations. You are officially a badass.
Awwww, this comment was so sweet! Tysm for sharing your throughts and tips!
thank you! i find the concept of NRE really helpfull as a tool to combat jealousy. if my partner is head over heels for a new person, it doesn't mean they share a deeper and more meaningful love than we do (in the established relationship). it's just a specific kind of euphoria that comes with new relationships, whereas the existing long-term relationship has many other meaningful feelings to offer (like comfort, security and the joy of knowing each other so well)
Never thought of it like that...nicely put 😊
Seriously where was this channel when I was a little baby Poly girl?
This is an excellent resource and I’m really thankful it’s being provided to people in the community! You’re amazing!!
Polyamory people think they're so enlightened, but in reality, they just haven't met a person they are really compatible and in love with! There are exceptions to the rule, but it's rare. It will always end in heartbreak. Dont believe me? Just look at the comments. They are all messed up.
Ik
Great video! NRE is so addictive; I'm glad you touched on this. It's essential to be considerate of the feelings of everyone involved
I already love your short format stuff so very excited to see this content! Thank you and great job🎉
Thanks for the love! I'm going to try my best to upload consistently instead of not posting for a year again. 😅
Wonderful video on mistakes for those new to polyamory. There are so many complexities to it. Also I went to check out your art. Love ,love, the "Consent is Hot" sticker!
Aww thanks so much! I put a lot of love into all of my designs.
Yaaay! I’m so glad! I’d love to see more of your videos on yt! Maybe even longer format? Maybe guests with different enm styles and practices? Maybe some questions from the audience? I’d enjoy any content from you, can’t wait! Love from Ukraine 🇺🇦
I'd love to do all of those things! I'm going to try to experiment to see what people want the most. I'm trying to strike the balance of being more in-depth but still accessible and not rambly.
@@polyamfam An admirable goal. The biggest mistake people make is to post videos which are far, far too long. It doesn't matter how brilliant you are or how interesting the topic, nobody wants to sit through an hour and 47 minutes of it! Like 20 minutes max is good. Do multiple installments of the same issue if it requires deeper exploration.
My husband proposed to transition when we separated and he went back to live to his country. He met someone and stopped caring about me... She was hostile towards me, they made a drama because they didn't know what to do with me being in the picture. Long story short, I decided to divorce after 8 years of marriage and now they are going mono and uploaded a bunch of pictures on Facebook because they are super happy together... I guess I'm a fool...
❤
No, he wasn't honest with you or himself. This is not your fault at all. I hope you're living your best life x
That shirt is really cool!!!! Thanks for your insight. I did learn one thing about something that has affected me. New relationship energy is real and I’ve been neglecting my primary partner some. I will try to do better with that. No better than that, I will do better. Thanks for what you do!
My husband and I had an polyamourus encounter the other day at a local hotel. I "entertained" him (and yes I enjoyed it) but my husband was left out by his wife. She claimed that she was on her monthly curse and didn't want him or me pleasuring her. Now they're trying to stick us with a bill for 250.00 when the 99.00 and my husband didn't stay because they got into a fight. This is the first time I'm hearing about polyamourus and now if this isn't what my husband was trying to tell me along. BTW, the hotel was my first polyamourus encounter!
I wish I had your YT channel in 2007! Thank you for being genuine, clear and sooo helpful. 🖤
It´s been really cool to watch you teaching fundamentals to us
Brother you are a guiding light. I made too made of these mistakes 🤣
everything is so real with us i wouldn't have wanted to start one now
Woohoo! Always love your polyam content, can't wait to see more 😁
Great video! I liked the examples, and I would have liked more but overall super interesting and helpful (I've only ever dated polyamorously but these are still great tips)
I'm glad my tips resonate with experienced polyamorists too. I don't want to unintentionally mislead people who are in the beginning stages.
what's the difference between love and attention?
Would you mind making a video on relationship anarchy? The term honestly confuses me
Accidental great timing! I just uploaded a new video that gives a description of relationship anarchy. Hopefully I'll be able to do a deeper dive in the future.
@@polyamfam Awesome!! On my to watch as we speak!
Not sure if I'm in a poli or open situation. I'm still in over my head but I feel like this helped a little.
Cheating with extra steps.
You can never be committed to somebody if you commit yourself to another. This isn't difficult to understand. "Polyamory" is for losers.
it's like saying: "there's no such thing as 'basketball', you just play football with your hands and act like this isn't cheating, this is, there is only 1 singular way for humans to play".
cheating is breaking rules, but if there is no rule?
you know world exists outside of your country, most famously polyamory is allowed in islam in some scenarios, and it's a very old tradition that existed before the religion itself, and that's just 1 singular religion, I'm not talking about all of the other cultures that have polyamory in different forms.
@somnvm37 no. This is why analogies are dumb. If you use analogies to completely eradicate the meaning of somebody's opinion then you've done nothing but prove your incompetence. Islam is a terrible cult as well.
Its for losers, who are afraid of commitment.
I love this video!!! As someone who is also polyamorous, I absolutely agree with a lot what you say. ❤️
Communication, Comfortability, and Equality of love is the Biggest things that no one seems to do when it comes to Poly stuff. And the Boundary stuff is absolutely correct. especially as the Paraphrasing of it. I had a lot of these a couple years ago these bad habits, but I’ve stood my ground and made myself more understandable to it especially as one of my current partners has taught me a lot about Polyamory.
Thank you for this video. ❤️
P.S, before anyone thinks they’re polyamorous, human skills like social stuff, self boundaries and also confidence (even if it’s not 100%) are all important to learn to establish a healthy and amazing polyamorous relationship.
I just love the pair of water colors (?) on the shelf behind you. ❤
Thank you! I got them on a trip to New Orleans!
Hello there, I am new to non-monogamy, I have always known that monogamy didn't come naturally to me however It took me a long time to finally admit it to myself because of the way people might view me. I introduced non-monogamy to my "partner" but we have not done anything with other people. Simply because we haven't found other people. I have a friend (whom my partner has met) and connected them to each other because I feel like they could develop an (enjoyable) connection, they both agreed to get to know each other and see what happens, one of my concerns is if it does happen, how do I speak to my partner about not being affectionate(kissing, flirting) with her when we hang out (I am pretty sure that I will become comfortable eventually) however I know that it will take some time getting used to. How do I bring this up in a way that doesn't feel "restricting" to their connection? I know that it's like why are you thinking about this if it hasn't happened and it's because I have a knowing feeling that they will connect beautifully.
Do you mind sharing how this turned out? I’m in a similar situation specifically slightly different but my biggest concern is watching them interact.
Me and my wife have been with our girlfriend for 5 years. Boundaries are set in place. Boundaries are set but are spoken upon by all of us. But there is no limits we agreed to bring someone into our relationship and we all walk together equally.
I’m just now starting my first polyamorous relationship and screwed up big time i wish i saw your video before not setting boundaries with my partner
Can you talk about the concept off having nre and Unfinalized boundaries when your partner decides to start seeing other people?
i‘d love to have a video about rules and boundaries since that is a topic i am struggling a lot with recently. i don’t really know what is okay to expect from my partner and what isn’t. i don‘t want to force myself on him but i also don’t want to neglect my feelings?
Are there any books on this subject that are based on strong evidence? Id like to learn more about alternatives in dating and marriage.
This will be helpful as I'm new to poly
i’m trying to understand it because my partner came out to me as a poly the other day but everything make my heart shatter and makes me want to throw up. i don’t think i will be able to accept it maybe because i am a mono with bpd. i don’t want to break up with them i hope things were better but it’s not
@@standground8284 I broke up with them lol
Mistake #4 be calling me out 😭
It's such a tricky one that can sneak up on you. You're doing fine having casual dates and you end up really liking them. It's hard to manage when you haven't gotten to know people yet.
I think one of the dilemmas I've run into being in a throuple is trying to find something the 3 of us can do together and enjoy. I have fun dates and special interests with my boyfriend and my girlfriend but trying to find something all 3 of us can agree on is so hard. I was the last one to join the party my girlfriend and boyfriend were dating before I joined.
Does compromise work/help?
I'm not polyamorous but this was really interesting! Good, consise info
My boyfriend is poly and Ive wanted to kinda mess with it a little and explore that side, problem is he’s too clingy and protective… okay well we both are actually but he wants me to establish rules and boundaries so now I’m just casually over here watching things like to make sure I take everything into consideration
Love your shirt! Thanks for the wisdom 😊
If you’re going to be polyamory just stay single. You’re setting yourself up for pain and misery.
Polyamory benefits women and lgbtq. My advice is if you’re a straight man, unless you have a lot of money, don’t get into this. Ruined my life. But hey. At least my wife is having a great time.
My NP broke our safe sex boundary for the third time. He said he was manipulated into not using protection. Am i insane for staying in this?! He knows he has inner work to do and has closed his side of the relationship.
Is love truly a limitless resource though? I think maybe that's why people don't like the idea of polyamory, outside of the jealousy factor, is that because in some aspects humans only have so much love to give. Is this incorrect to say?
Definitely very helpful!! ❤
I Really like this video! Thank you :)
Polyamory is the result of mistakes
1# having a lack of commitment but not willing to admit it OR do something about it
2# having a lack of spine but not willing to admit it OR do something about it
3# having a lack of discipline but not willing to admit it OR do something about it
4# having a lack of interest meeting your partner's emotional and maybe even $xual needs but not willing to admit it OR do something about it
5# having a lack of attraction for your partner but not willing to admit it OR do something about it
6# having a lack of trust but not willing to admit it OR do something about it
7# having a lack of your needs (in general) met by your partner but not willing to admit it OR do something about it.
8# falling into the trap of believing you are MORE capable of empathy than your partner
stay mad
I am saving this video Excellent
Mistake #1:
Being polyamorous
It's not for you. That's totally fine. No need to put down others.
What tips do you have for someone curious about Polyamory and considering adding my friend to my relationship? Especially if it seems like everyone is on the same page? Im very shy about formally asking my friend and have no clue how to go about it even though weve all been joking for months that we are a throuple (even though weve never acted on it at all)
yes its hard for me, ive know for a while i was poly, and im dating my boyfriend, but another boy i like also likes me and my boyfriend, i like them both, and im a girl but there both boys, the only reason my boyfriend said no was because hes not attracted to boys, and he doesn't want another guy doing stuff with his girlfriend. if anyone can, please give me ways to try and talk to him about trying it and setting boundries
Cool shirt
So he is in fact, not down with O.P.P.
Great content mate....🤗🤗
So what would be considered polyamory level one what would someone new to polyamory do for level one?
I know I'm late with this reply but I recently posted a video Polyamory Level 1 vs. Level 100. Maybe it can help you out!
@@polyamfam I know I literally actually stitched that video on TikTok and watched the video here it’s ok I saw it all
I like this
I love your shirt!😂
I was tempted not to hit the like button, since it had 69 likes at the time, but I made myself do it. lol
Hey, I don't blame you one bit at the hesitation. My TikTok follows 69 people. When I follow someone new I find someone to unfollow.
Buuut that's also not the account I scroll on. I follow a lot more people on that account.
Best part of polyamory… left overs😂😂😂
Wish I'd seen this six years ago!
I have 2 gf’s, they know I’m seeing another woman but don’t know about each other. both want to move in, both of them say they will take care of the house but they want to work full time too,
I tell them both separately, if they want to be out of the house and work full time then I want another gf who will take care of the house while we work full time.
That’s my conditions for moving forward and moving in together. We can be monogamous but I want a homemaker, if she doesn’t want to be a Homemaker that’s fine I don’t want to break up but I do want a home maker. They seem hesitant but agreeable
I’m thinking about buying them a hotel room for a Saturday night with a massage+dinner and drinks for them, tell them to just hang out be friendly and talk all the trash about me to each other they want, so they can get to know each other build some kind friendship and talk about their vision for our home
What are y’all’s thoughts, how should I approach this
lol not me in a triad as my first poly relationship-
Me and my partners went from a hotwife situation to live together king-size bed style mmf thruple... Seems to be way to fast for me. There's so much beauty in it. It's mutually romantic and physical in all directions and we worl really hard to keep everyone happy, but I miss being my wife's only one frequently. It just seems to late to go back.... I'm definitely in love with them both, but it doesn't stop me from feeling regrets.
This breaks my heart. I hope you find the courage to speak your mind
Is it so greedy for a woman to have a man she won't share anyone with 😭😭
It's sad and brings alot of friction and unnecessary competition in the house hold😶😟
Currently looking for this type of polygamy relationship myself
Sorry but I disagree - rules need to exist. There is more than enough "freedom" in polyamory already. There still needs to be a framework that individuals are aware of and operate in. Thats what rules are for. They also help weed out partners that are not suitable for you early on, instead of having them blindside you through their behavior that may be far out of bounds for you and seriously hurt you.
Collier Wall
Grateful for your content and points of view (And ofc the merch is awesome🤌) Would love to see some longer videos and maybe diagrams/charts or visual aids🙈
Thanks so much! I'm working on upping my visual aid game and have a lot of longer video topics on my to do list.
Mistake #1: Ever entering a polyamorous relationship in the first place.
It's not for you. That's fine. There's no reason to put down something that doesn't affect you.
@@polyamfamPoly is just another way to say cheating
@@polyamfam Stop trying to normalize cheating
@@taki7546 I talk about this in my video about polyamory myths if you're curious.
ua-cam.com/video/NoSRXlDi4rY/v-deo.html
@@luxxers Cheating is doing something you aren't permitted to do. If you have permission it can't be cheating.
I talk more about this in my video about polyamory myths if you're curious.
ua-cam.com/video/NoSRXlDi4rY/v-deo.html
heh... These sounds like Public Policy mistakes too.
He sounds like a well spoken yuppy
My wife and I are bringing my girlfriend in it happened out of the blue. They are amazing friends and don't want anyone just the 3 of us. I am curious is there a chance this can work long term. It's new to both of us but I not only feel more love but we all do.
You Can't Force A Person To Love Only One Person.
The Same Way You Can't Force A Person To Befriend Only One Person.
It Is Within My Rights To Love And To Have Sex With As Much Men / Women As I Want.
The Same Way It Is Within My Rights To Befriend And To Enjoy The Company Of As Many People As I Want.
If You Have A Problem And Are Not Ok With That You're Free To Go.
My Life Is Mine.
Your Life Is Yours.
In My Life I Do Whatever I Want.
In Your Life You Do Whatever You Want.
But In My Life I Don't Do Whatever You Want.
Thank You.
1:23 oh yes i cant wait to make agreements with someone and for them to disregard the commitment at any time the feel fit. What a great relationship again. oh yes i promise not to sleep with any of your friends .... until i start to fancy one of them lmao. Just be single
OPP, either way, feels just wrong.
For real. I've seen countless comments defending them. I have yet to hear anything that makes me think, "Okay, I guess that's ethical." Justifications always seem so flimsy.
My partner doesn’t let me spend my money on needs. Like a haircuts. Since I pay for his subscriptions which I told him hey I don’t like this and can’t afford it anymore with medical insurance and health problems
Well, that doesn't seem fair to you
*Quick question:* Why do people in polyamorous relationships put rules and boundaries in place?
So everyone can be happy- not possible. Good video though I am doig this poly thing now.
6 mistakes couples new to polyamory make:
1) Getting into polyamory
2) Getting into polyamory
3) Getting into polyamory
4) Getting into polyamory
5) Getting into polyamory
6) Getting into polyamory
why do people countinue thinking bad of poly relationships
ask any person right now, if they've had a partner, they probably had more than 1 before,
many people even had more than 1 wife
and it's not like this is insane or weird
so if most people have had more than 1 partner in their live, and it was always monogamouse
then atl 50% of mono relationships fail
but for some reason this doesn't mean monogamy doens't work.
meanwhile if a poly relationship fails ppl think the whole framework somehow doesn't work.
@@somnvm37 monogamous relationships do fail, but not in at the explosive rate that y’all do. Like 95%. Probably closer to 100%!
You also drag multiple people down with you, and it’s NEVER ends peacefully.
You also drag KIDS into your lifestyle.
Worst of all, you NEVER stick to exclusively polyamorous people when seeking out new partners. You try to suck in monogamous people, because they’re always better & more attractive people in general.
You like monogamous people and what they bring to the table, because established polyamorous people are generally unattractive pieces of shit.
Stick to your own degenerate dating pool. But you won’t. Because you can’t.
@@somnvm37 I got a better question for you. Why do you polys always seek out monogamous people to convert to your lifestyle?
Is your dating pool that terrible? Are your people that unattractive? Actually, that’s a trick question. Yes they are 😂
My wive have 2 other bed parners and it makes the relation only stronger.
Love my hotwive ❤
Wow he sales grade schoolers art!!
OPP unethical? Na. Its just different strokes for different folks g
The soylent is strong with this one.
i got drunk on mouthwash td and am now in a throuple.. dk what happens from now on
Let’s talk something up that is damn near guaranteed to end up with someone hurt. Just be normal. Or be single. Jesus Christ.
why are you talking about monogamouse relationships here
@@somnvm37 you cant even spell it ...
This guy’s face is a perfect reason NOT to do polyamory
❤❤❤
#1 Thinking poly is good.
It's not for you. That's completely valid. No need to talk trash about others, friend.
Do you realize this sounds insane to monogamous people? I honestly don't believe any of you are happy. When the relationships you're in start to tear you apart, you might say to yourself "oh being poly is hard". No, it's because polyamory is a recipe for misery.
I believe that the open relationship is a safety net for being irresponsible. Like using the " It should of mattered if I f@cked someone else. I was drunk!
it doesn't matter what you think, people are happy.
also somehow if a poly relationship doesn't work you'd consider it a flop
but all of the failed monogomous relationships somehow don't count.
@@T-800Vondew07 it's like saying: "there's no such thing as 'basketball', you just play football with your hands and act like this isn't cheating, this is, there is only 1 singular way for humans to play"
having sex with another person is bad in monogamy bc both ppl agreed they're not fine with that.
but, in polyamory there's no such rule.
Poly basically being a open player
I mean, kind of? But the open part makes all the difference. If everything is known and consensual then what's the problem?
Players "play" people, implying dishonesty & manipulation. Polyamorous people don't necessarily do either. Some have casual relationships, some have very deep serious relationships.
Mistake #1: Being 'polyamorous'.
Brother, this whole thing stinks!
this is so sad
Jesus can help you to be fulfilled, but you have to drop everything and follow Him. Honor your vows.
Being in a poly relationship is basically being a slave
Ive been in a few & I always say that poly relationships are 70% talking & 30% sex😂 start small & go from there
Average Jew 😂😂😂
how are boundaries only for yourself? youre pushing such a toxic relationship, if you set boundaries about things that you dont want to happen and your partner doesnt respect them then what kind of relationship are you in? One filled with no care for the emotions of your partner and only care for your own selfish WANTS.