1. Not being upfront about being Poly. 2. Not being open to answering/asking questions. Including insecurities. 3. Too many rules. 4. Constantly venting/complaining about one relationship to another partner. 5. Using "___ will always come first" language. Hierarchical. 6. Making your entire online profile about Polyamory. 7. Thinking partners are obligated to date eachother. 8. Assuming other people's relationship structures and boundaries. 9. Jumping into every relationship you possibly can. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. 10. Not communicating availability. Bonus: being negative all the time!
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” Perfectly describes polyamory. It doesn’t matter if you can cheat on your wife, or even if she lets you, it doesn’t matter. It’s wrong to cheat on your wife, and to even want to shows a lack of love, because you’re choosing selfish desire for someone else over the one you’re with.
@@feartheghus define cheating, because people cant have conversations if they dont use the same definition, and I feel like you are operating on a massively different definition of cheating than most polyamorous, and even a lot of monogamous people
the boundaries vs rules is a BIG red flag one is communication between equals, the other is not whats sad is this is a common point of confusion for new poly people
My current boyfriend and I were friends first, and he was well-aware that I was poly. He didn't see the appeal at first until I explained why I felt and believed the way I did, and he understood and respected it. Before dating, he thought maybe at some point, he could give it a try within our relationship down the road, after alot more discussion and working on our own metal health and insecurities first. We talked about how since we are parents the only "first" are our children, even in our own relationship, so that's to be expected with everyone else. And the only time someone else will take priority, is when mental or physical health becomes an issue that needs immediate attention (panic attacks, mental break downs, depressive episodes, accidents, hospitalizations, etc.) We don't even expect to date all the same people or all be friends, as long as everyone can be civil. But we do expect to be heard and our opinion respected if we notice any red flags or disrespect, and for them to be addressed immediately. It's all about looking out for each other.
If you cant do the honor of choosing ONE and doing right by that one person and giving all your love and undivided attention because you love and wanna make that person happy, if you cant do that your a terrible lover its not real love its a selfish empty feast where no one is truely deeply fed, so you dont deserve that person. OR anyone. You can say you love all of them all you want, BUT as time and attention is limited, do right and kindly choose to give it all to one instead of sefishly choosing all and non gets all just all gets crumbs. And if you really really love that person you CAN choose and want to choose to gift all your limited time to them. Make them feel special and all that loveliness and that bond. Never feel left out. Etc. Thay only us bonded feeling, that chosen feeling cause you really love that person.
@hanna9653 so what you are saying is that I should also give up on friendships? They are also a type of love, though platinic. Should I leave all of my friends for my husband? Should I then have only had one child because "they would receive crumbs" of our love for having more than one? What if I can't always support and help out in the way they need? Are they not allowed to have another form of support? It's not all just about romantic forms of love, it's a bigger spectrum.
Finally, some actual advice on polyamory!! My partner of 2 years recently told me he wants to open the relationship. Having only ever been monogamous, I am hesitant but willing to consider it. To say that I am scared doesn't sum it up, and most of the advice out there comes from conflicting view points. Thanks for making these videos and helping folks like me!
You do such a fantastic job both here on UA-cam and on TikTok about educating people about polyamory. I just recently joined the poly fam after being in a monogamous marriage and you were the first content creator I learned about polyamory from! Keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing it beautifully! 💜
something im stuggling with my partner is he is okay that im talking to this girl intimately, but he is not wanting to hear any details. To me i feel guilty about talking to her and wanting to be intimate with her without sharing these feelings with my boyfriends so i refrain from taking things further. Any idea how i can go about talking about this to him. How do i determine if this is the right choice for me? the guilt is confusing me but the attraction to her is clear
I just wanted to thank you for making content for polyamory! You're definitely my favorite creator on the topic! Your memes and videos have really helped me, as I am relatively new to embracing that I am polyamorous.
Thanks for making this video. I asked a guy I was seeing to be exclusive, he agreed and then dropped the bomb a couple days later that he wanted to pursue a poly relationship with me and another woman. Atomic poly-bomb! This triggered huge insecurities in me from previous relationships where i was passed over for another connection. I had to end it. How else would I respect myself? I feel like there was pressure for me to just be cool about it... If he's happy in the future in ENM good for him, but trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
Make more videos ❤️ It's very helpful to see other dynamics. I'm currently in a 5 year long poly relationship. It was a bit of a stumble in the beginning since it was new to us both. But I knew it was what I wanted. It would of been nice to have videos like these 5 years ago. So keep it up.
Something about being upfront as early as possible --- you also DONT want to match with folks who will try and pressure you to be monogamous 😬 I know that can happen anyway but I feel like if it's something you wait to say, people might be more likely to take it "less seriously"? Good video ☺️
I am so happy you are making longer videos now! I will say the only time "always comes first" language is okay is when someone says "I will always come first " Taking care of yourself and your needs always needs to be a conscious priority in polyamory! Especially if you have the tendency to prioritize other people and neglect yourself like I used to.
Agreed! Quite often society teaches us that putting yourself first is nothing but selfish. I believe it's necessary for your well-being and independence. That doesn't mean you don't care about others.
If you always come first you’re simply selfish, and if you can say that and mean it whole heartedly then you don’t love the one you’re with, or ones since you’re cheating on the first. If you’re in a truly loving relationship you should say the other comes first, and you wouldn’t have to worry because he or she holds you as his or her too priority. There is no greater loyalty than that that is logically possible, and no greater trust. True love maximizes what makes up love, polyamory inherently throws it away.
Thank for making videos on the subject. A few thoughts (meant constructively): (1) For me, the one could be either poly or mono, but it's near impossible to find a woman (or nonbinary) anchor partner who isn't already nested with somebody. I have to choose between poly dating in hopes that eventually I find more than people who want me to be the side dude or unicorn, and dating majority of humans who are much more likely to want to be my best friend and partner. Especially in a small town the options are limited. If or not you are poly doesn't change when you date somebody who isn't anymore than a bi person stops being bi because they are dating a person of one gender. (2) The tone of the hierarchical poly "can be valid" section irked me. Here is my reasoning. If a person would feel put in a box by the boundaries of an existing relationship I would see that as a potential flag that they don't respect existing relationships or that persons place on the spectrum. Hypothetical relationships are not necessarily equal to potential relationships. A person can be poly saturated and not have time to devote to new relationships because they value and feel fulfilled by their existing relationships. We don't owe anything to people browsing our OKCupid profiles. Bi and polyflex people often get crap for not fitting neatly into being either queer enough or being poly enough when gender and polyness are both spectrums. Hierarchical poly is valid and communicating those boundaries is valid. The point of poly is to have relationships that fit our ideal lifestyles, not to conform fully to any pure form of anything, be it pure monogamy or pure relationship anarchy. Sometime we also have to choose between the ideals, and what our partners needs are too. Anyways, thanks again and have a good day!
Honestly there's a lot of wisdom here I think everything said was sport on and correct as poly it's hard to find relationships my wife is str8 but loves having another girl in the relationship and really wants a sister wife without another girl she dosent feel out relationship is complete when I talk with people they think we just are in it for sex or whatever if I can say anything it's that communication is HUGE in a poly relationship
Something I want to highlight with the "this person will always come first" language. That might be true when it comes to partners, but I have a son with my primary and he comes before ANY romantic relationship, whether it be with his father or others, doesn't matter
Thanks so much! I’m just starting with my two boyfriends and one of them started to date with someone else, I was so jealous and about to finish that relationship but believe me your videos are helping me a lot to deal with all This! Thanks!
Heeeey! New subbie here 🌻🌻🌻 thank you for this. I'm also learning about polyamorous yet more specifically polyandry & solo poly. This is so refreshing.
This is an absolutely wonderful video thank you as someone who had crushes on multiple people and a failed relationship because though I stated I was Polly before it was sort of a “cowgirl” situation I was starting to get kinda worried on how to even date and definitely need more life experience (I’m 18) but have always really self reflected and knew I was Polly for a while just hard because I haven’t meet another Polly person irl yet
Thank you for this! My spouse and I are also new to the community, and although we've had plenty of conversations around this and what it may look like, your video definitely brings up some points that we should be mindful of.
Salutations! New to your YT Channel! I just recently discovered your TikTok content and your story/mindset is SO relatable to me and mine. Married for 13yrs before discovering and falling in love with Polyam dynamics and am about to celebrate 4yrs with my other partner (who now LIVES with us and our kids)
Very much helpful!! Some of these things I figured out for myself as I started to get out there, but it's nice to hear it from others and it feels validating. Thank you for your awesome content!
Another great video. And I learnt some new things, too. Quite a few of these had me nodding along like yep, been there! Great advice and content as always. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to the next one!
Right on!! Just found you. I have been hesitating weather or not to come out on social media. I am in the homesteading niche so I can see a bunch of my subscribers go crazy with this information lol
My question is, how do costs, expenses and paying work in a polyamorous relationship? Say you are out at a restaurant or a rave, the cost for 3 people together is high. Should the guy be the only one to pay or is it okay for all 3 partners (including the 2 girls) to pay as well?
Good question... I think that unless one partner makes significantly more money than the other partner(s) everyone should generally share the costs equally. Long gone are the days when most men made substantially more than most women; when it was reasonable for men to expect to exclusively pay the cost of dates. If polyamory (and society in general) has been moving the needle to amore egalitarian society, that absolutely needs to include the sexist double-standards of dating finances.
In my experience it all depends on the people in the relationship and what they are comfortable with. I'm generally against traditional gender roles when it comes to paying. But if incomes are imbalanced and someone is comfortable contributing more that's perfectly valid. I'd definitely find time to have a chat about it with those involved.
I did want to update you that I intend to see my first partner on the first week, the second partner on the second week, and the third partner/first partner on the third week. Is it going to get awkward for the partners to see each other or will it be better than the week by week routine?
Will it be a bad idea to have kids with 2 or more women? I don't want to remember my dad or repeat what he did. And what if one or more of the girls I date wants to be in a polyamory and date 2+ guys?
It can be very difficult, especially in rural communities. I have had the most luck with local Facebook groups. I've found that once you do finally meet a few non-monogamous folks it tends to get easier to meet more. There's a good chance those people know more people. Also I think it's worth mentioning that even though polyamory is not a kink I've experienced so much acceptance and met many other non-monogamists in the kink community. But I know that scene isn't for everyone.
@@polyamfam thank you so much! I love your tiktok and I subscribed to stay informed about etiquette and limits like any dynami 😀 thank you for your time to help educate
The problem for average poly men putting poly status in their onlinedating profile: no likes, no dates. Dating is difficult enough for average men, and even more if you're poly.
While I agree with the statement honestly I haven't experienced this as a very big problem in the community. Most polyamorous people I know are deeply committed to their partner(s). But I know we are not a monolith and different parts of the community can experience different issues.
I am in communication with someone and trying meet them as been a challenge. I really like them. I don’t know what I am doing I feel like fish out of water flopping around. My husband is good with us being poly. Do you think he should have to meet a person I am interested in first? I don’t know if that would be a rule or boundary or even a good thing.
If you are the type to turn friendships into romantic relationships, and you haven't told your friends yet, then when should you tell someone and how could I bring it up?
I have currently started my very first polyamorous relationship with someone who has been Polly for a while. It hasn't been that long I would say 4 months. I'm constantly trying to educate myself on polyamory. But I'm still usually going to him for how things work. We are very consistent in communication However, He has made it clear to me that he wants me to be his primary as in. If we are to ever dive deeper into our relationship in the future he would want me to be the person he gets a place with or he does taxes with. Is that correct when it comes to primary because I can't find many articles about it. ???
Hi, congrats on your relationship! Hope it's going well! Re your questions about primary partnerships, it all depends on the individuals, their relationship preferences and the dynamics. For some, they may live with more than one 'primary', say in a thruplet (or more!) in the same way a monogamous couple would live with the one partner. Others might like the solitary life and live alone, but have a primary partner whom they spend most of their dating time with. It's important for everyone to be clear what things like this mean to them, so there's no misunderstandings. BTW, Mainely Mandy also has some great info for healthy poly relationships
Iam new to being polyamorous and looking for any advice at this point. I have had bad luck with drama lately and it's upsetting. This makes me feel open so thank you so much for these tips.
HI so my girlfriend is poly and neither of us had known that she was until we were about a year into our relationship. im monogomous and I'm struggling to try to understand. i love her so much but I cant even try to understand it with out feeling like crap. i want our relationship to work and i want to make her happy but its hard and i dont know what to do. weve tried to set boundries but either they are to rigged for her or to lax for me and we havent found any middle ground. neither of us want to lose the relationship but we are having such a hard time that weve thought about ending the relationship all together. im scared to lose her and i dont know what to do. i just need help. sorry.
One video I can find on this - see if you and your gf can take anything from this, the YT channel is very experienced: ua-cam.com/video/FqgfGOZblfM/v-deo.html&ab_channel=ConorandBrittany . Take care both
My partner didn’t tell me they were poly till we moved in together. But they say they are poly flex they are happy in a monogamous or polyamory relationship. Depending on what relationship they got into. It did make me disappointed not the fact that they are poly but because I wish they would’ve told me that when we first started dating. I would’ve still dated them if they told me ! I’m monogamous but I’m curious and want to learn more about poly and see if it’s for me
Is it common after a break up for reconnecting? I’m struggling with a mutual break up where we both need to work on ourselves atm, decided to end it and taking time to not talk to heal. I have anxiety that we might not reconnect again
It really depends on the relationship and the people in it. I have exes that I still consider close friends and exes that I don't have interest in reconnecting with at all. Regardless I do think a period of separation can be a very good thing right after an intense breakup. If/when you feel the desire to reconnect I'd say just ask them if they're comfortable chatting and go from there. Best of luck!
Please i need help I'm in a relationship with a poly transman he's in a relationship with 4 people and I'm not poly I'm not comfortable with being in a poly relationship but is it ok for him to be in one because I knew he was in poly relationship-? Like I've known he was poly even before we started dating but he rarely talked abt them and I forgot abt it but then he mentioned abt this bf then gfs I just idk I really love him I do but I don't know if this is wrong or not Because idk I've been overthinking abt this for months I don't wanna loose him at all I wanna talk abt it to him but I'm scared :( I'm scared that he loves his other partners more than me and will leave me as soon as he gets bored of me just I don't know wanythign abt his other partners just their gender I never spoke to his other partners I never know them as a person but please I need people's opinion about this I really need help :(....
Great video. My wife and I follow your tictok account. My favorite TikTok of yours is the left overs video. My wife and I are no monogamous, because she and I have different needs which non monogamy helps. She gets a lot and I mean a lot of dates. I get like 1 every decade and has led to me not dating at all for over a year. (lol ok maybe not that Bad.) Anyways i attempting to start dating again, wife was like “go best friend.”
A lot of people have ceremonies and use husband/wife/spouse terminology without the legal bits. It sure would be nice for it to be legal in more places, but for now that's the best most of us have.
When you use the words polyamory and then non-monogamy, you confuse me. Because to me non-monogamy is anohter way of saying polygamy, not polyamory. Polygamy is sex with multiple partners. Polyamory is loving more than one person. Even in the sexuality spectrum there are people who are sexually attracted to a person without being romantically attracted, and vice versa. Polygamy and polyamory are distinct. So I feel like the non interchangeable use of 'gamy and 'amory words is misleading.
The community generally uses nonmonogamy as an umbrella term. Polyamory, polygamy, open relationships, swinging, etc. all fall under that. You're absolutely correct that polyamory and polygamy are distinct. I'll be a bit more careful with my language. I know how confusing it can be. Hell, even to me sometimes!
This video here inherently wrongly-assumed Polygamy is a valid option and not just the failure-version-of-monogamy AND literal Harem-Building, which is sad af. All while also hoping you forget that Monogamy is the main-thing on planet-earth not for no reason... wow?
Q: Polyamory. It’s super simple in concept, but endlessly complex in walking out, right? A: True. Polyamory never truly works because relationships between human beings (involving their hearts and minds) were not designed (or have evolved) for such relationships, no matter the desperate attempts to justify them in the name of equality and liberal acceptance. End the illusion of “working” polyamory and you end the problems. Advocating for the acceptance of polyamory makes as much sense as advocating for the lighting of fires in the home while trying to educate people on how to quickly put those fires out in a way that is both fair and respectful to all.
Alright, I'll bite. 1. That's not a question. 2. What are your criteria for polyamory to work? There are tons of happy functional polyamorous relationships. I don't know you, but this whole comment reads as though you think you have polyamory all figured out without actually having much experience in the subject or community. 3. You realize you're trying to explain why polyamory doesn't work to someone who is thriving in a polyamorous lifestyle, right? 4. I don't see the purpose of this comment. Cool, polyamory is not for you. Why go out of your way to invalidate others for no reason?
Polyamory mistakes to avoid: Being polyamorous Betraying your lover constantly Not getting into a truly committed relationship, where love, trust, and loyalty can be maximal. Missing out on the bond two who truly love each other share for life. Having multiple people coming in and out of the relationship causes horrible emotional harm to any children you have and raises the likelihood of child abuse greatly. You also miss out on the statistically significant benefits that monogamous family life has for children.
Polyamory is not your thing. Great, no problem. Why take the time to leave such a nasty comment bashing people simply for living in a way that's different than yours? It seems very unnecessary to me. It costs you nothing to scroll by instead of being mean for no reason. Also, citations needed on those claims about children. That's nonsense.
1. Not being upfront about being Poly.
2. Not being open to answering/asking questions. Including insecurities.
3. Too many rules.
4. Constantly venting/complaining about one relationship to another partner.
5. Using "___ will always come first" language. Hierarchical.
6. Making your entire online profile about Polyamory.
7. Thinking partners are obligated to date eachother.
8. Assuming other people's relationship structures and boundaries.
9. Jumping into every relationship you possibly can. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
10. Not communicating availability.
Bonus: being negative all the time!
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” Perfectly describes polyamory. It doesn’t matter if you can cheat on your wife, or even if she lets you, it doesn’t matter. It’s wrong to cheat on your wife, and to even want to shows a lack of love, because you’re choosing selfish desire for someone else over the one you’re with.
@@feartheghus define cheating, because people cant have conversations if they dont use the same definition, and I feel like you are operating on a massively different definition of cheating than most polyamorous, and even a lot of monogamous people
the boundaries vs rules is a BIG red flag
one is communication between equals, the other is not
whats sad is this is a common point of confusion for new poly people
My current boyfriend and I were friends first, and he was well-aware that I was poly. He didn't see the appeal at first until I explained why I felt and believed the way I did, and he understood and respected it. Before dating, he thought maybe at some point, he could give it a try within our relationship down the road, after alot more discussion and working on our own metal health and insecurities first. We talked about how since we are parents the only "first" are our children, even in our own relationship, so that's to be expected with everyone else. And the only time someone else will take priority, is when mental or physical health becomes an issue that needs immediate attention (panic attacks, mental break downs, depressive episodes, accidents, hospitalizations, etc.) We don't even expect to date all the same people or all be friends, as long as everyone can be civil. But we do expect to be heard and our opinion respected if we notice any red flags or disrespect, and for them to be addressed immediately. It's all about looking out for each other.
Absolutely. I prefer open and honest dialogue over rigid rules. Everyone should feel safe and heard by their partners.
If you cant do the honor of choosing ONE and doing right by that one person and giving all your love and undivided attention because you love and wanna make that person happy, if you cant do that your a terrible lover its not real love its a selfish empty feast where no one is truely deeply fed, so you dont deserve that person. OR anyone.
You can say you love all of them all you want, BUT as time and attention is limited, do right and kindly choose to give it all to one instead of sefishly choosing all and non gets all just all gets crumbs. And if you really really love that person you CAN choose and want to choose to gift all your limited time to them. Make them feel special and all that loveliness and that bond. Never feel left out. Etc. Thay only us bonded feeling, that chosen feeling cause you really love that person.
@hanna9653 so what you are saying is that I should also give up on friendships? They are also a type of love, though platinic. Should I leave all of my friends for my husband? Should I then have only had one child because "they would receive crumbs" of our love for having more than one? What if I can't always support and help out in the way they need? Are they not allowed to have another form of support? It's not all just about romantic forms of love, it's a bigger spectrum.
Finally, some actual advice on polyamory!! My partner of 2 years recently told me he wants to open the relationship. Having only ever been monogamous, I am hesitant but willing to consider it. To say that I am scared doesn't sum it up, and most of the advice out there comes from conflicting view points. Thanks for making these videos and helping folks like me!
You do such a fantastic job both here on UA-cam and on TikTok about educating people about polyamory. I just recently joined the poly fam after being in a monogamous marriage and you were the first content creator I learned about polyamory from! Keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing it beautifully! 💜
Welcome to the fam! I'm glad I can help. Helping people by sharing my own experiences is the ultimate goal.
These are great tips! Heaven knows polyamory is a learning curve for so many people out there. Thank you for being so open about these.
Thank you for the kind words!
something im stuggling with my partner is he is okay that im talking to this girl intimately, but he is not wanting to hear any details. To me i feel guilty about talking to her and wanting to be intimate with her without sharing these feelings with my boyfriends so i refrain from taking things further. Any idea how i can go about talking about this to him. How do i determine if this is the right choice for me? the guilt is confusing me but the attraction to her is clear
I just wanted to thank you for making content for polyamory! You're definitely my favorite creator on the topic! Your memes and videos have really helped me, as I am relatively new to embracing that I am polyamorous.
Welcome to the fam! Glad I can help. 😊
Thanks for making this video. I asked a guy I was seeing to be exclusive, he agreed and then dropped the bomb a couple days later that he wanted to pursue a poly relationship with me and another woman. Atomic poly-bomb! This triggered huge insecurities in me from previous relationships where i was passed over for another connection. I had to end it. How else would I respect myself? I feel like there was pressure for me to just be cool about it... If he's happy in the future in ENM good for him, but trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
Power dynamics is the area of relationships that nobody ever seems to talk about.
Make more videos ❤️ It's very helpful to see other dynamics. I'm currently in a 5 year long poly relationship. It was a bit of a stumble in the beginning since it was new to us both. But I knew it was what I wanted. It would of been nice to have videos like these 5 years ago. So keep it up.
Something about being upfront as early as possible --- you also DONT want to match with folks who will try and pressure you to be monogamous 😬 I know that can happen anyway but I feel like if it's something you wait to say, people might be more likely to take it "less seriously"? Good video ☺️
...I commented too early 🤣🤣🤣
Dang these are good. As a newly poly person I needed to hear this.
Glad I could help!
I am so happy you are making longer videos now! I will say the only time "always comes first" language is okay is when someone says "I will always come first " Taking care of yourself and your needs always needs to be a conscious priority in polyamory! Especially if you have the tendency to prioritize other people and neglect yourself like I used to.
Agreed! Quite often society teaches us that putting yourself first is nothing but selfish. I believe it's necessary for your well-being and independence. That doesn't mean you don't care about others.
If you always come first you’re simply selfish, and if you can say that and mean it whole heartedly then you don’t love the one you’re with, or ones since you’re cheating on the first.
If you’re in a truly loving relationship you should say the other comes first, and you wouldn’t have to worry because he or she holds you as his or her too priority. There is no greater loyalty than that that is logically possible, and no greater trust. True love maximizes what makes up love, polyamory inherently throws it away.
I really love these videos, my wife and I are considering opening up as a poly; seeing videos like this for advice is fantastic. Thank you.
I'm glad my videos help you!
Thank for making videos on the subject. A few thoughts (meant constructively): (1) For me, the one could be either poly or mono, but it's near impossible to find a woman (or nonbinary) anchor partner who isn't already nested with somebody. I have to choose between poly dating in hopes that eventually I find more than people who want me to be the side dude or unicorn, and dating majority of humans who are much more likely to want to be my best friend and partner. Especially in a small town the options are limited. If or not you are poly doesn't change when you date somebody who isn't anymore than a bi person stops being bi because they are dating a person of one gender. (2) The tone of the hierarchical poly "can be valid" section irked me. Here is my reasoning. If a person would feel put in a box by the boundaries of an existing relationship I would see that as a potential flag that they don't respect existing relationships or that persons place on the spectrum. Hypothetical relationships are not necessarily equal to potential relationships. A person can be poly saturated and not have time to devote to new relationships because they value and feel fulfilled by their existing relationships. We don't owe anything to people browsing our OKCupid profiles. Bi and polyflex people often get crap for not fitting neatly into being either queer enough or being poly enough when gender and polyness are both spectrums. Hierarchical poly is valid and communicating those boundaries is valid. The point of poly is to have relationships that fit our ideal lifestyles, not to conform fully to any pure form of anything, be it pure monogamy or pure relationship anarchy. Sometime we also have to choose between the ideals, and what our partners needs are too. Anyways, thanks again and have a good day!
I have 2 partners and I think I can barely handle that. However I am new to this and still learning.
Honestly there's a lot of wisdom here I think everything said was sport on and correct as poly it's hard to find relationships my wife is str8 but loves having another girl in the relationship and really wants a sister wife without another girl she dosent feel out relationship is complete when I talk with people they think we just are in it for sex or whatever if I can say anything it's that communication is HUGE in a poly relationship
Something I want to highlight with the "this person will always come first" language. That might be true when it comes to partners, but I have a son with my primary and he comes before ANY romantic relationship, whether it be with his father or others, doesn't matter
Glad you are doing the UA-cam thing for the fam
Thanks so much! I’m just starting with my two boyfriends and one of them started to date with someone else, I was so jealous and about to finish that relationship but believe me your videos are helping me a lot to deal with all
This! Thanks!
I'm so glad my videos help!
Heeeey! New subbie here 🌻🌻🌻 thank you for this. I'm also learning about polyamorous yet more specifically polyandry & solo poly. This is so refreshing.
I'm glad my video helped you out!
This is an absolutely wonderful video thank you as someone who had crushes on multiple people and a failed relationship because though I stated I was Polly before it was sort of a “cowgirl” situation I was starting to get kinda worried on how to even date and definitely need more life experience (I’m 18) but have always really self reflected and knew I was Polly for a while just hard because I haven’t meet another Polly person irl yet
Thank you for this! My spouse and I are also new to the community, and although we've had plenty of conversations around this and what it may look like, your video definitely brings up some points that we should be mindful of.
Salutations! New to your YT Channel! I just recently discovered your TikTok content and your story/mindset is SO relatable to me and mine. Married for 13yrs before discovering and falling in love with Polyam dynamics and am about to celebrate 4yrs with my other partner (who now LIVES with us and our kids)
im in a pretty new poly relationship, so these videos are very helpful :)
Speaking of negative…I be interested in 10 polyamory dating tips.
Adding it to the growing list!
I've done a couple of these things🤔, it is easy to "go with the flow"... but that quickly leads to assumptions and misunderstandings.
Very much helpful!! Some of these things I figured out for myself as I started to get out there, but it's nice to hear it from others and it feels validating. Thank you for your awesome content!
I tell the person as soon as I feel we may connect.
Check, check, check, I'm going through so many of these. I am a master in talking about feelings and I can't stand when I don't get communication.
I used to keep things bottled up and it was not healthy. Now I tend to favor overcommunication. Too much is far better than not enough.
Another great video. And I learnt some new things, too. Quite a few of these had me nodding along like yep, been there! Great advice and content as always. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to the next one!
Thank you! Always glad to hear my stuff makes sense and is helping people out.
Right on!! Just found you. I have been hesitating weather or not to come out on social media. I am in the homesteading niche so I can see a bunch of my subscribers go crazy with this information lol
you're amazing!!! thank you SO MUCH for these videos
My question is, how do costs, expenses and paying work in a polyamorous relationship? Say you are out at a restaurant or a rave, the cost for 3 people together is high. Should the guy be the only one to pay or is it okay for all 3 partners (including the 2 girls) to pay as well?
Good question... I think that unless one partner makes significantly more money than the other partner(s) everyone should generally share the costs equally.
Long gone are the days when most men made substantially more than most women; when it was reasonable for men to expect to exclusively pay the cost of dates.
If polyamory (and society in general) has been moving the needle to amore egalitarian society, that absolutely needs to include the sexist double-standards of dating finances.
In my experience it all depends on the people in the relationship and what they are comfortable with. I'm generally against traditional gender roles when it comes to paying. But if incomes are imbalanced and someone is comfortable contributing more that's perfectly valid. I'd definitely find time to have a chat about it with those involved.
I did want to update you that I intend to see my first partner on the first week, the second partner on the second week, and the third partner/first partner on the third week. Is it going to get awkward for the partners to see each other or will it be better than the week by week routine?
Will it be a bad idea to have kids with 2 or more women? I don't want to remember my dad or repeat what he did.
And what if one or more of the girls I date wants to be in a polyamory and date 2+ guys?
How do you even meet like minded people in your area? I think this video gives a great entry so you know what to expect.
It can be very difficult, especially in rural communities. I have had the most luck with local Facebook groups. I've found that once you do finally meet a few non-monogamous folks it tends to get easier to meet more. There's a good chance those people know more people.
Also I think it's worth mentioning that even though polyamory is not a kink I've experienced so much acceptance and met many other non-monogamists in the kink community. But I know that scene isn't for everyone.
@@polyamfam thank you so much! I love your tiktok and I subscribed to stay informed about etiquette and limits like any dynami 😀 thank you for your time to help educate
The problem for average poly men putting poly status in their onlinedating profile: no likes, no dates.
Dating is difficult enough for average men, and even more if you're poly.
Lots of good stuff here, thanks!
Could you do a video talking about how commitment-phobia should not be a reason to be polyamorous?
Anyone who thinks poly is a good way to do less relationship work is in for some horrible life lessons soon.
While I agree with the statement honestly I haven't experienced this as a very big problem in the community. Most polyamorous people I know are deeply committed to their partner(s). But I know we are not a monolith and different parts of the community can experience different issues.
I am in communication with someone and trying meet them as been a challenge. I really like them. I don’t know what I am doing I feel like fish out of water flopping around. My husband is good with us being poly. Do you think he should have to meet a person I am interested in first? I don’t know if that would be a rule or boundary or even a good thing.
Thanks for the video!
All very good advice. Maybe one day I'll get back to dating, but I've been hesitant lol
It's difficult even when you're doing everything right. Best of luck!
If you are the type to turn friendships into romantic relationships, and you haven't told your friends yet, then when should you tell someone and how could I bring it up?
I have currently started my very first polyamorous relationship with someone who has been Polly for a while. It hasn't been that long I would say 4 months. I'm constantly trying to educate myself on polyamory. But I'm still usually going to him for how things work. We are very consistent in communication However, He has made it clear to me that he wants me to be his primary as in. If we are to ever dive deeper into our relationship in the future he would want me to be the person he gets a place with or he does taxes with. Is that correct when it comes to primary because I can't find many articles about it. ???
Hi, congrats on your relationship! Hope it's going well! Re your questions about primary partnerships, it all depends on the individuals, their relationship preferences and the dynamics. For some, they may live with more than one 'primary', say in a thruplet (or more!) in the same way a monogamous couple would live with the one partner. Others might like the solitary life and live alone, but have a primary partner whom they spend most of their dating time with. It's important for everyone to be clear what things like this mean to them, so there's no misunderstandings.
BTW, Mainely Mandy also has some great info for healthy poly relationships
Such a good video on the theme!
Iam new to being polyamorous and looking for any advice at this point. I have had bad luck with drama lately and it's upsetting. This makes me feel open so thank you so much for these tips.
me jumping into every relationship I possibly can :3
What happens if you date a cowgirl someone who thinks over time you may commit to then, what if you do or are open to it, is that stringing along?
I have made every last one of these mistakes and then some. 😂 I wish I had watched more videos like this before I took the plunge.
HI so my girlfriend is poly and neither of us had known that she was until we were about a year into our relationship. im monogomous and I'm struggling to try to understand. i love her so much but I cant even try to understand it with out feeling like crap. i want our relationship to work and i want to make her happy but its hard and i dont know what to do. weve tried to set boundries but either they are to rigged for her or to lax for me and we havent found any middle ground. neither of us want to lose the relationship but we are having such a hard time that weve thought about ending the relationship all together. im scared to lose her and i dont know what to do. i just need help. sorry.
One video I can find on this - see if you and your gf can take anything from this, the YT channel is very experienced: ua-cam.com/video/FqgfGOZblfM/v-deo.html&ab_channel=ConorandBrittany . Take care both
You can find even better help and understanding with this video ua-cam.com/video/4geAVeriAKQ/v-deo.html
My partner didn’t tell me they were poly till we moved in together. But they say they are poly flex they are happy in a monogamous or polyamory relationship. Depending on what relationship they got into. It did make me disappointed not the fact that they are poly but because I wish they would’ve told me that when we first started dating. I would’ve still dated them if they told me ! I’m monogamous but I’m curious and want to learn more about poly and see if it’s for me
Is it common after a break up for reconnecting? I’m struggling with a mutual break up where we both need to work on ourselves atm, decided to end it and taking time to not talk to heal. I have anxiety that we might not reconnect again
It really depends on the relationship and the people in it. I have exes that I still consider close friends and exes that I don't have interest in reconnecting with at all. Regardless I do think a period of separation can be a very good thing right after an intense breakup. If/when you feel the desire to reconnect I'd say just ask them if they're comfortable chatting and go from there. Best of luck!
Please i need help I'm in a relationship with a poly transman he's in a relationship with 4 people and I'm not poly I'm not comfortable with being in a poly relationship but is it ok for him to be in one because I knew he was in poly relationship-?
Like I've known he was poly even before we started dating but he rarely talked abt them and I forgot abt it but then he mentioned abt this bf then gfs I just idk I really love him I do but I don't know if this is wrong or not
Because idk I've been overthinking abt this for months I don't wanna loose him at all I wanna talk abt it to him but I'm scared :(
I'm scared that he loves his other partners more than me and will leave me as soon as he gets bored of me just I don't know wanythign abt his other partners just their gender I never spoke to his other partners I never know them as a person but please I need people's opinion about this I really need help :(....
Great video. My wife and I follow your tictok account. My favorite TikTok of yours is the left overs video. My wife and I are no monogamous, because she and I have different needs which non monogamy helps. She gets a lot and I mean a lot of dates. I get like 1 every decade and has led to me not dating at all for over a year. (lol ok maybe not that Bad.) Anyways i attempting to start dating again, wife was like “go best friend.”
I think this video might be able to help ua-cam.com/video/4geAVeriAKQ/v-deo.html
I’ve recently gotten into this situation. How do you deal with them going out a lot while you NEVER have anyone else?
@@mr.carguy3161 This video might be helpful. Here's to hoping you find it useful.
ua-cam.com/video/4geAVeriAKQ/v-deo.html
Omg yes! Stating availability! Cowboys! O my poor brain lol thank uu!
how would a poly marriage work? its not really allowed anywhere-
A lot of people have ceremonies and use husband/wife/spouse terminology without the legal bits. It sure would be nice for it to be legal in more places, but for now that's the best most of us have.
When you use the words polyamory and then non-monogamy, you confuse me. Because to me non-monogamy is anohter way of saying polygamy, not polyamory. Polygamy is sex with multiple partners. Polyamory is loving more than one person. Even in the sexuality spectrum there are people who are sexually attracted to a person without being romantically attracted, and vice versa. Polygamy and polyamory are distinct.
So I feel like the non interchangeable use of 'gamy and 'amory words is misleading.
The community generally uses nonmonogamy as an umbrella term. Polyamory, polygamy, open relationships, swinging, etc. all fall under that. You're absolutely correct that polyamory and polygamy are distinct. I'll be a bit more careful with my language. I know how confusing it can be. Hell, even to me sometimes!
Commenting 4 teh algerhythm ^_^
Ohh he's cute!!
This video here inherently wrongly-assumed Polygamy is a valid option and not just the failure-version-of-monogamy AND literal Harem-Building, which is sad af. All while also hoping you forget that Monogamy is the main-thing on planet-earth not for no reason... wow?
Q: Polyamory. It’s super simple in concept, but endlessly complex in walking out, right?
A: True. Polyamory never truly works because relationships between human beings (involving their hearts and minds) were not designed (or have evolved) for such relationships, no matter the desperate attempts to justify them in the name of equality and liberal acceptance. End the illusion of “working” polyamory and you end the problems.
Advocating for the acceptance of polyamory makes as much sense as advocating for the lighting of fires in the home while trying to educate people on how to quickly put those fires out in a way that is both fair and respectful to all.
Alright, I'll bite.
1. That's not a question.
2. What are your criteria for polyamory to work? There are tons of happy functional polyamorous relationships. I don't know you, but this whole comment reads as though you think you have polyamory all figured out without actually having much experience in the subject or community.
3. You realize you're trying to explain why polyamory doesn't work to someone who is thriving in a polyamorous lifestyle, right?
4. I don't see the purpose of this comment. Cool, polyamory is not for you. Why go out of your way to invalidate others for no reason?
@@polyamfam you bit ❤️ tbf after reading the "q" i expected sth enlightening and was a bit on the hook as well
Polyamory mistakes to avoid:
Being polyamorous
Betraying your lover constantly
Not getting into a truly committed relationship, where love, trust, and loyalty can be maximal.
Missing out on the bond two who truly love each other share for life.
Having multiple people coming in and out of the relationship causes horrible emotional harm to any children you have and raises the likelihood of child abuse greatly.
You also miss out on the statistically significant benefits that monogamous family life has for children.
Hhmmmm I really do wonder how perfect your love life is looking at this post...
Polyamory is not your thing. Great, no problem. Why take the time to leave such a nasty comment bashing people simply for living in a way that's different than yours? It seems very unnecessary to me. It costs you nothing to scroll by instead of being mean for no reason.
Also, citations needed on those claims about children. That's nonsense.