7 MORE Tips For Handling Jealousy In Polyamorous Relationships
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- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
- If you're polyamorous or otherwise nonmonogamous you've probably heard someone say "I could never do that. I'm just a jealous person." The reality is that polyamorous people experience jealousy too. In this video I share seven more of my personal methods for dealing with jealousy in polyamory.
For even more, my first jealousy tips video is linked at the end of this one.
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#polyamory #nonmonogamy #relationshipadvice
Your tip to ask “why” just brought me out of a spirally jealous fear cloud. Thank you!
The jealousy vs envy thing is such an important point I think. I'm currently long distance with my partner, but they're not long distance with their other partner. Sometimes I think I'm jealous about them having sex, but I think it is actually envy. Her other partner gets to sleep with her, gets to fall asleep next to her, I don't. I don't think I'm actually upset about them having sex, I'm just upset about the fact that she's 9000 miles away :')
I am in the same situation and my partner doesn't even have sex with her other partner (he's asexual) but still I feel sad that they share a bed so much more than we do
@@lauriegoldsmith3511same situation here as well :/ In ny case she will move close to me soon so the things will change, but still is a bit hard to handle :/
I'm currently in this same situation. I don't see him for over a year and the more time passes the more I feel depressed, anxious and envy, something that I never felt when he was physically close to me.
Oh, how I wish to talk to someone about this (family and friends don't understand).
@@suzanacosta6389 Ooph I’m really sorry that’s genuinely so hard. Long distance was the hardest thing I’ve ever done
@@suzanacosta6389I would like to hear your experience, if you wish to share it :) It would also help me to share mine, since I am a beginner in these things, I am yet to find out whether this truly is for me, or not..
I wonder, alls these issues, these made up self protecting mechanisms, are really worth it? wouldnt be easier to just cut the relationship?
One other tip I didn't see in your videos so far but that I think helps me the most, is to remind myself that jealousy (as a fear of loss) is actually more often the cause of loss than the thing I am jealous about. While it's ok to feel jealous sometimes, and sometimes better to talk about and be open about, I always try to have faith in my partners that I won't lose them if I try to be my best and most secure self. Or in other words reminding myself that trusting in my partners, and especially in myself is the path with the least probability to lose the person.
It does take a bit of practice, but each time I practice being secure and nothing bad happens, it reassures me more and more that there really was nothing to be jealous about.
This also goes well with asking ourselves if the thing we are jealous about actually does affect us or not.
I am blessint God for having discovered your channel because as a "beginner" in discovering my and my partner's polyamory these videos are SO helpful. Both for my jealousy and anxiety. I also know that I can have unheakthy attachment tendencies due to trauma and your videos helped me realize that it was indeed linked to me and not to the relationship itself. I have now worked on it quite a lot and I'm very content in my relationships. Love your channel so mich xx
Do you have any tips on how having children, moving in together, celebrating holidays, marriage and stuff like that may work in polyamorous relationships?
Your kids are more than your needs, dont do this to them.
@@stejpr3713agreed
I’m currently struggling with the idea of having children and sharing childrearing with my partners. It’s terrifying.
The “why” and keep digging until you reach the root is KEY! Best advice ever. This has helped me and my partners so much. Even if a partner decided polyamory is too much for them, and want to move on, at least they will be clear as to why. Best advice ever! ❤
Can you talk about envy, too some time? I struggle even more being envious of my partner's experiences (dating with an sti is nearly impossible, so I have literally zero dates) than with being jealous.
Yesssssss. Please talk about how to deal with envy. I don’t really get jealous, but I do get envious sometimes
Yeah I definitely relate, more envious of all the fun than actually getting jealous
Don't give up. People with STIs can have an excellent dating life. There are people who can see beyond the issue to the great possibilities, and they're the ones worth being with anyway.
This is a feeling I did not expect to feel. I don't get jealous because she's seeing others. I get jealous OF her.
Did not expect that at all.
Yes!! I guess I'm more envious of my partner's experiences with other people while I'm at home on the couch by myself.
This channel is a great find. Thank you. (From a not poly person, who's with an amazing, previously (and possibly future) poly human). All I can say is this: Love authentically. Accept where they're at. Don't hold back your energy and generosity of spirit to protect yourself, because you short both of you. It's not authentic and does you both a disservice. Enjoy your shared experiences. If you, as a monogamous person, decide to explore an attraction with a poly person, you need to accept them where they are, and ask the same of them for you. Anxiety will mess with your head and cause problems. Learn to love without attachment. Attachment then becomes something else: connectedness. :) Most importantly, don't worry and stress out over things that haven't happened. Bad cliff to jump off of. Keep yourself in balance and maintain your individuality. If you find it's not right for you, you may need to do the hard thing.... and give yourself time. But, if you find someone SO unique and amazing and so much of a great fit with you that you make the bold decision to be with them, then congratulations. You are officially a badass.
Thanks for helping me to differentiate between jealousy and envy. All this time I thought I was jealous when in reality, I am envious. I feel marginalized sometimes and wish we had more time together, but we don't for logistical reasons. I also appreciate the reassurance texts to look back on. I haven't asked for these but I think it's a low hanging fruit that could make a difference, thanks.
can you also talk about ways to handle jealousy without asking for reassurance? (ways to manage jealousy on your own)
Sure jealousy is breaking my heart
Not knowing all the details is something I have noticed generates a huge deal of anxiety for me, and I know it's unfair both for my boyfriend and his other partner, who is a great girl. But I am in pain in a way I had never been when our relationship was not open and he wasn't exploring polyamory, so I think the kindest thing for everyone involved is for me to break up with him, even if it kills me, so everyone else can be happy. It is genuinely all I want, but every time I say I'm happy for him, it's forced. Deep down, I feel pain. So yeah... Turns out I wasn't cut out for open relationships or polyamory. Everyone take care of your hearts out there!
I love how you treated the last point, I thought that you where going to start "shaming" envy as the "incorrect" feeling, but I'm glad you also talked about it in a "positive" way by giving an alternative for how to deal with it. One of my greatest issues right now with my relationship is that my girlfriend's boyfriend is absolutely unwilling to meet me and is much more jealous and posessive than I am. My girlfriend has adopted his side and for her the idea of the two of us meeting sounds uncomfortable (although she previously appeared to be more willing for this to happen). There are other issues that arise from the differences between his expectations and mines but mainly what I would like to hear your opinion is to the fact that I am "excluded" from certain events (like parties, gatherings and so) due to this attitude and it isn't something I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for this!
I'm still a young polygamous person (in both age and just gotten ready to explore my polyamory) and i really appreciate these tips to keep in mind when /if i get into a polygamous relationship
my partner just wrote me a really loving and reassuring letter
Thank you so much for making this. These tips are extremely helpful to me I appreciate that you explain how to help jealousy in poly relationships!
Really good video, it helped me to address some of suppressed jealousy. Now, I want to work with it. Thank you!
I've been starting to think that maybe a polyamorous relationship would be better for me whenever I'm ready to start dating again. These tips sound like it could work if I found partners that would implement them in a healthy way.
Btw I found you on TikTok and now I'm subscribed to you there and here. I love your content overall but this video is my current favorite.
Jealous vs envy! That’s a big help for where I am right now thank you
Love these tips! I'm going to star the sweet texts from my gf so I can quickly find them when needed. Proactive checkins are a gem too!
This actually helped me calm down a bit and I will try a few of these tips to see if this helps
Reaaally great one fam, useful af. Thanks 🏵️
Crazy good video. Thank you!!
Glad it was helpful!
Love the funkos in the back
How is this real 💀
Thanks for the tips 💯
I love this. Thank you for being out and poly.
Great video man. Stumbled upon this while waiting for a partner to get back from the first date she's had in a looooong time. I date a lot more than she does, and am thrilled to see her back at it. But holy shit am I out of practice with this haha. Anyway, it was really great to have a quick list of ideas and really calmed me down. So thanks.
Doesn't the natural inclination of jealousy, especially a strong jealousy, indicate to one that they are not polyamorous or should not try?
Hey Chad. Great vid as always ^^
I've been through your content but I didn't find anything about this: when both partners are feeling down and need support, how do you manage choosing between them? If being with both that specific day isn't an option.
Tbh that's the hardest thing about polyamory to me. Thanks for the awesome content!
In her book Polysecure, Jessica Fern talks about co-regulation; finding a way that you can both feel better at the same time, eg laying in bed quietly and breath together while holding hands?
@@marienoellebl but like I said, in a situation where you can't be with both :(
@@CakeMusume oh! That’s a more complex situation!
I am not a jealous person, but I really don't see the point of dating multiple people. What is the goal? If you have to come with all these coping mechanisms to deal with the situation you have created, maybe it's not the best situation to be in.
My gf said the goal is to learn from other people and also that she can’t ignore a special person.
It's not a goal. It just happens that you can love more than one person. So for that lead to happiness you can have some dynamics. Of course not everyone works the same but sure it's worth trying.
Very useful. Thank you!!!
Great tips!!! ❤
you're a godsend. thank you
Being in a throuple makes this kinda relatable but some of it I can’t relate because we are always together 😂
That shirt is giving me life
Sometimes I am excluded from certain events (such as parties and gatherings) because my girlfriend's boyfriend is absolutely unwilling to meet me and that has also made my girlfriend scared of us meeting. I'm not sure how to deal with this kind of things specially because I cannot plan an entire party just to "compensate" for the one I'm not being allowed to attend.
LOVE THE VIDEO BRO!
Hey! I really hope somebody will read this. Idk what to do.
Could i please ask for your help/advice in a situation?
Just fyi, it's a long post, but i truly need some advice from someone on what to do.
So basically when i first met my boyfriend he was already in a relationship. All parties involved were open to a Polyamorous relationship (so I'm dating my bf, he's dating someone else in addition to me).
For the longest time i felt really special. Also, his other relationship with the other partner was going down hill and for specific reasons that i cannot mention, they didn't see each other often. Also, things were getting really toxic between them and he considered breaking up with his other partner.
If I'm truly being honest, as horrible as i felt that he was going through so much pain, i was happy that i would be the one still with him.
But then his other partner turned things around and they have everything sorted out.
I have not yet met this other person for circumstances that i again cannot mention, but I want to so we can talk things out. Unfortunately i cannot meet him until about a month or two later.
However, my boyfriend says that he can tell that both me and his other partner want it to be just him and us (aka monogamous). Although that would make things easier, i am not entirely against Polyamory.
But both me and his other partner have grown jealous of each other and we have not been able to meet.
Also, he's visited his other partner every weekend for the past 4 weeks, but i have not seen him in person for a month. Every time we try to make plans together he is unable to meet up. He tries to meet both of us during the same weekend on different days, but this has not worked. His family usually has a change in plans or we are both busy.
We were supposed to meet today, but we could not due to his family prohibiting him from leaving the house atm.
I explained to him that i have not felt like a priority lately, and he apologized and said he didn't mean for it to be that way and that he loves us both.
However, now that the summer has ended and we are both back in school, things are a little complicated. He goes to a school in a completely different city (still in the same state) about 45-50 minutes away. He sometimes stays at a place that is 52 minutes away from me and sometimes at a place that's 15-30 minutes away.
When his other partner is able to go back to school tho, they will be going to the same school and see eah other basically every day.
We acknowledge that things have been off and that i need to meet his other partner, but yeah.
We are trying to make time to see each other and trying to set boundaries, but it has been really difficult and we still care deeply for one another, but we can't hang out nearly as often as we used to.
I have also talked a lot about how I've been feeling lately, and I'm scared to talk about it more because it's made him sad even tho ik i need to.
He is going through a lot emotionally rn with his family and personal life too, so ik it's not entirely my fault, but yeah.
So basically I was wondering what advice you have for setting and enforcing boundaries under difficult circumstances?
Also, how do i still express my needs in a semi long-distance relationship without making it a restricting rule for him and his other partner?
I need to feel like a priority, and he wants to make me a priority, but it's just a very difficult circumstance and idk what to do.
What advice would you have for a situation like this, and what boundaries would you suggest that we set in place? How should i approach him about this without adding more salt to the wound or making it seem like this is all i want to talk about (because things are very delicate right now)?
Thank you so much ❤️.
I don't know your age and experience, but I would highly advice against seeking any sort of stability with someone who will at most ever give you half of his attention.
Its really a difficult situation and I hope you come to a place where you can be happy, but polygamy is by its nature, never fair or even in the way people are able to dole out love and attention.
If you are okay with this, hope that his other partner is too, but it seems she wants him for herself, and it seems you do too.
Find yourself someone who's willing to make you their one and only is what I suggest, there is no greater feeling than loving and being loved completely, rather than every other weekend when they're busy loving someone else.
What about if a partner is having issues with jealousy and security that are being exacerbated by a medical issue? Specifically one causing slight personality changes, but that can get better once insurance companies and doctors get on the same page. The skills are there, but it's just way harder to use them for a bit. Any advice for that situation?
I felt like this was about me 😅
Great vid. Do you have any advice on helping your partner deal with jealousy in an ENM relationship? Like ways to talk to them when they are dealing with it.
Hmmmm strage. Could it be that all of those tips can be translated to monoganous relationships a well? *shock*
Für real. Thanks for the tips.
That really is the kicker. So many people think polyamory and monogamy are radically different, but a lot of the issues are the same.
@@polyamfam Polyamory is just the next level. If there are cracks in the ways we deal in a monogamous relationship then they will show even more in a polyamorous one, because in many ways polyamory is more of the same.
Can you put out more longer videos so I have something to watch while I'm eating
I definitely plan to! I keep having way too many projects to work on. I have a lot of scripts ideas and a couple in progress for more long-form videos.
This video is so good💛
My wife and I recently decided to allow her to talk and have a casual relationship with another person. At the beginning, I was all for it. I am OK with a sexual relationship. But now I'm feeling extremely jealous about some situations that can happen. Like, for example, if my wife goes on a date and ends up getting freaky with the person. Afterwards they cuddle and watch a movie. Why is it that I am OK with a freaky time but I get jealous about the fact that they would cuddle? I feel like cuddling is an intimate thing for my wife and i so its hard trying to share that.
How can I help with this jealousy? I am very conflicted Because it turns me on, but l'm also very jealous at the same time.
That's a common pitfall. A lot of people who are fine with their partner "just" having sex get very jealous of emotional connection behavior.
@@kenofken9458 its gotten a little better now. Freaky time has happened xD but i do still have some insecurities i am sorting out. Just scared of how strong their connection will be after time
I am a beginner struggling a fucking lot still, but to me sounds a bit like fear of losing. If my gf is doing those things with other person, that we loved doing together, then she will no longer do it with me?
Ofc other issue is wanting that those practices are only done with you, whicj would be setting boundaries. But I guess that that depends on the type of relationship, agreements, etc :/
Someone pls help! I have boyfriend and girlfriend. They are married and he set me up with her so she could explore that side of herself.. We started dating and I moved in. After awhile he started crushing on me and we became a triad. Everything started off very well and we worked very well together but after awhile she became very hostile to me. And was hell bent on keeping me and the boyfriend separate bc "jealousy" I try spending more time with her but it only lead to more fighting. She doesn't want to be around me and doesn't want me around him. I'm very patient with her but it's getting too much for Me. The constant yelling and slamming doors. Over stupid things like me just getting home from visiting my mom and just going into the room to talk to him about the visit. She tells me it's nothing I did and that it's her being "insecure".... But does that mean she can just yell at me and treat Me lesser than human? Someone please give me advice on how to help her feel more comfortable... Bc I can't keep living like this.
I think you should try to have an honest conversation with both of them. She is most definitely jealous and insecure that he will possibly want to leave her for you. Tell them that you can see she is not comfortable. With the arrangement and that you are uncomfortable too.. Mayhe he should show her more affection.
I had a thresome situation. First one went great cause we did everything equally, but second time my partner was showing her more affection and not me. So I felt like it wasn't even a thresome, so what I'm doing there. We left arguing.. I explained him. Everything after we calmed down how I felt about it. Then we had third three some and he understood my point and went really nice again. Best of luck xxx
Your videos are helping me alot what I'm going though
I think I’m more envious at this time. ❤
These are some good ideas 😀
I have a question, can i be polyamorous and not want open relationships? Like, if my partner asked if I was cool with them having A separate gf/bf that i didnt date only they did, i would say yes but I wouldn't want a separate gf/by that I only dated
you and others in the relationship can define however you want your relationships to look like. so long as there’s open communication and consent, it can look however! :)
Can you talk about your experiences with having long distance partners & a nesting partner? My long distance partner and I try our best to see each other every month but it's difficult and I wish I could see them more. What are other ways besides phone calls you do to connect if you've been in this situation? Thank you!
My ldr partner and I have a video call date night weekly and that helps us a lot. We also watch movies together sometimes (& ofc phone calls)
polyamfam ist the only Chad we need :P!
You'll never know it's like that when they'd lie to keep you!!😂
Hey man is there anyway I could talk with you privately about this subject?
"Zoom Out" is so important for LIFE, too. Great advice right there. Learning to recognize that negativity coming on and then zooming out, instead, is hard work but brings the greatest reward, imo.
🩷💜💙
Exactly! Time is often the least satisfying answer the question of handling jealousy. There's no instant gratification there. But as time passes we can use experience to our advantage.
Help me please
Hi! I'm a former monogamous person looking into polyamory, and I thought it was all positives until I saw the other side, on a facebook group called 'when will the polyamorous shut up?' I found that many of your 'points' were against strawman arguments, so I'd like to request a debate between you and a monogamous person. Live-streamed, preferably.
Dawg the level of cope😂🤣
I feel jealousy is a reflection of low self-esteem or wanting to control your partner. I've just don't get jealous it doesn't happen in me
the purpose of jealousy as an emotion is to let you know that a need is going unmet-so if you dont experience jealousy, either all of your relational needs are being met or you are unaware of/not in touch with your needs
Humble bragging is also an expression of low self esteem lol.
cuick
Can't even spell it right, huh?
How about just don't have multiple partners? YOLO find that special one
Or you could just commit to one partner who is not a cheating pos
It's very common to see polyamory as "cheating with permission" and see exclusivity and commitment as the same thing. But that's not really how polyamorous people operate. I talk about these things in my video about polyamory myths if you're curious.
ua-cam.com/video/NoSRXlDi4rY/v-deo.html
F*ck monogamy!🤣
It's not FKING normal, be with ONE person
Normal is overrated anyway.