4 Steps To Handling Relationships With Emotionally Immature People | Emotional Maturity Awareness
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- Опубліковано 15 тра 2024
- It can be hard to acknowledge, but it's a fact: not everyone develops emotional maturity with age. Relationships and interactions with emotionally immature people can be challenging, this video explains how handling them can get easier.
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00:00 Introduction
01:00 Signs Of Emotional Immaturity
01:58 Consequences Of Emotional Immaturity For Relationships
02:15 Acknowledging Emotional Immaturity
03:25 The Maturity Awareness Approach
03:49 1) Adapt Expectations
06:34 2) Goal Focus
07:00 3) Observer Perspective
08:09 4) Set Boundaries And Take Charge
❃❃❃ What To Watch Next ❃❃❃
▶ How To Interact With An Emotionally Immature Partner | Emotional Immaturity In A Relationship
• How To Interact With A...
▶ How To Stay Balanced When Visiting Emotionally Immature In-Laws & Family For Several Days
• How To Stay Balanced W...
▶ Becoming Immune To Emotional Takeovers & Reclaiming Your Mental And Emotional Autonomy
• Becoming Immune To Emo...
▶ 6 Strategies For Resisting Emotional Takeovers From Emotionally Immature People In Interactions
• 6 Strategies For Resis...
▶ Emotional Intimacy Vs. Enmeshment: Where To Find True Connection
• Emotional Intimacy Vs....
▶ “What If I'm The Emotionally Immature Person In A Relationship?”
• “What If I'm The Emoti...
▶ 6 Questions To Measure Your Emotional Health And How To Improve It
• 6 Questions To Measure...
▶ Is It Offensive To Consider Some Adults To Be Emotionally Immature?
• Is It Offensive To Con...
❃❃❃ Reference And Recommended Reading ❃❃❃
Gibson, L. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger.
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#emotionalmaturity #maturityawareness #selfleadershipexperts
Keywords: emotional maturity, emotional maturity in relationships, emotional maturity psychology, emotionally mature, emotionally immature, emotionally immature parents, emotionally immature partner, emotionally immature mother, emotionally immature friend, emotional immaturity parents, maturity awareness approach, lindsay gibson, lindsay gibson emotionally immature parents, emotional immaturity in a relationship, maturity awareness
Remember to subscribe, if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n and here are videos related to this one:
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1. Stop expecting emotionally mature behavior from them.
2. Keep the goal in mind.
3. Take on the perspective of an observer.
4. Set boundaries and take charge.
💯
Finally a video that shows how to understand an immature person rather than to just "avoid" them. Like all the other videos. This is exactly what im looking for.
I'm glad this video resonated with you and was what you were looking for! I've got more videos on emotional (im-)maturity, if you're interested: ua-cam.com/play/PLzRKYOPcN3c-aF0heIjhO024mxl6d-SKg.html (link to playlist)
You solved my problem when you said “To adapt my expectations to their limitations. “
Ahh yes, such an important point 👌🏻🙌🏻🙂🙋♀️
it seems like the only way to deal with emotionally immature people is to become incredibly emotionally intelligent
That's spot on! 💯
Give me an example of this intriguing minds want to know.
“Engaging in a real relationship means being open and establishing emotional reciprocity. If you try this with emotionally immature people, you feel frustrated and invalidated. As soon as you start looking for emotional understanding from such people, you won’t be as balanced within yourself. It makes more sense to save your relationship aspirations for people who can give something back.” (Lindsay C. Gibson)
Remember to subscribe if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n
I know all these things but sometimes I need the reminder that it isn’t me. Thanks for the content. My husband is emotionally immature at the present and I’m always flopping between shame (for getting myself in this marriage while seeing the signs), guilt (for being angry at things that are obvious to me but I know aren’t obvious to him), and sadness (at feelings stuck with someone making such slow emotional progress). I’m trying to be patient with him and take care of myself so I need the reminder from time to time that not having expectations is ok.
That makes a lot of sense to me 🌷 Glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself in this situation ❤️ All the best ✨
@@DrMaikaSteinborn thank you so much 🥹
@@dcarter455 you articulated my feelings exactly !!!
I feel the same. Plus embarrassment when he reacts immaturely in public or towards others. ☹️
@@dcampbell6548 yeah you feel the need to apologize for him and it’s hard to not feel smothered in secondhand embarrassment bc they aren’t feeling any!
I’m happy to report that my hubby has been making RAPID improvement lately as he decided to see a therapist all on his own, and then began treatment for general anxiety. Since this, progress has been much quicker bc he is able to have assistance noticing and making changes. Our relationship has improved bc our communication has been way better. I hope the same for you. Again, be patient with him and give him grace where possible. But mainly be kind and patient with yourself💕 hoping for the best for all my peers here!
Sometimes enough is enough, we better Ignore them completely! :)
Agreed! 🙂
Seems like they are everywhere
Easier said than done, some of us Live with seniors like that! And the govt makes law no we cannot abandon the old/filial blah Which i strongly disagree
After 3 years locked in hell with this person. She even basically forced me to have a boby ( 1 year old now) I don't know if she's emotional immature due to s lot of trauma when she was little or she's a narcissist. But she's definitely one of the 2. Hoovering, get together. Love. Devalue, gaslighting. Lies etc ..I left her 6 months ago. She's hoovering for a week now . Why am I still there ? For the sex .plain and simple. Let's stop being hypocritic with ourselves. We stay because that love bombing stage is out of this planet, intense sex and extensive pleasures in so short period of time. Because 3 months later...the bad treatments Storm destroyed everything. Drained me emotionally. But we still there .. stocked in that love bombing stage, I can't lie . I stayed because of that. I've been a person that I had many girlfriends and had sex with a lot of women in my life. But man ...this woman deserves an award.
😄😆😆🤣
I made my decision yesterday. It's time to move on and understand that we came to this earth to live our journey and be as much happy as we can. And that will definitely not gonna happen, it we stay in a relationship like that, allowing another human being step on our souls and basically like if they saying we're good for nothing. Look how I piss on your pride and do whatever I want to you. No way .we deserve better.
Well I can't ignore my mom
After 5 years, I had to let her go. For the longest time, I thought it was me. Feels good and horrible at the same time.
This video is great. Thank you.
Sounds like a challenging relationship and experience. I’m glad you found your way 🌞
How to handle relationship with emotionaly immature partner:
-first(and last) step: don't get into this relationship
💯
It's particularly painful if you are the child who's been wanting to have an real connection with their parents for their whole life...
Guess I know what to talk about in therapy next session. What are boundaries, how to set boundaries, how to find my sense of self, etc.
Thanks for sharing your experience with this. I'm sorry to hear the relationship with your parents is lacking a satisfying connection. That's a real challenge. The topics for your next therapy session sound very relevant!
please read this audiobook called "Children of Emotionally immature Parents" it helped me so much 🥺
I know what helped me is getting close to adults my parents age and just let my parents be. 😊
I was raised by emotionally immature parents, and have dated a lot of emotionally immature people in the past. For as long as I can think, the blame has always been put on me, and for so many years I internalized other people’s emotionally immature perception of me. I would have absolutely burned myself out for all of them, and I did, many times. I loved them with all of my heart and more than anything I wanted to make it work with them. My last boyfriend broke up with me and broke my heart countless times, losing him was probably one of the hardest phases of my life - and so was being with him. Looking back, breaking up is the greatest gift he ever gave to me. It took such a long time and many years in therapy to heal from all the things emotionally immature people made me believe I deserved.
I feel compassion for them, it breaks my heart that they are so stuck in their ways (in my opinion to their own detriment). But I don’t ever want to be in a situation again where an emotionally immature person has the power to hurt my heart or self-worth. Everyone deserves to feel loved and safe, including me.
Thank you for sharing this, this is beautifully written and on point in summing up how hurtful it can be to be raised by & in relationships with emotionally immature people. I'm very glad to hear you've healed from all of this and the conclusion you've arrived at - everyone deserves to feel loved and safe 💯 💖
Thank you so much @@DrMaikaSteinborn ☺
Yesssss!! ❤ and you deserve a partner who can show up for you and make you feel safe and so do i. Xo
This is all from your perspective, we don't know the truth
@@YouilAushana Why are you invalidating the feelings and stories of strangers on the Internet? That’s not okay. I feel sorry for you.
I'm currently dealing with a friend/colleague who is emotionaly immature, he's been a really important friend but the second I confronted him with something he'd done that had hurt me, he shut down on me completely. I've reached out to say I'd like to talk but we've gone from texting almost daily to absolutely no contact in over a month. It's devastating.
Oh wow, that sounds like a painful experience to go through... I hope after some time to process, he understands where you were coming from and opens back up 🤞
Having exactly the same experience with a colleague, now in no contact for almost 2 years. For the last 2 years i was thinking i was dealing with a covert narcissist.
That’s my husband every couple of months !
@@faceless_blogger That's my husband every few days. 😢
@@dcampbell6548 He will soon be my ex-husband
Perfect reminder to keep raising standards of acceptable behavior for intimates in one's life, and to reduce expectations to a realistic level for the rest.
Yes, our expectations determine what we expose ourselves to (and what not) & what we are disappointed by on a regular basis
“I’m going through something, and I need you to listen right now.”
Grew up with two parents who were painfully emotionally immature due to their own past traumas and experiences. Saw a tweet recently that said that kind of upbringing (emotionally absent father + emotionally dysregulated mother) was "shaman training." 😂
That must have been hard 💞 What did the tweet mean with "shaman training"? 🙂
I just ended the relationship with an emotionally immature person and i can already feel my peace returning.
I just cannot deal with the constant dissatisfaction of never getting my emotional needs met and always feeling unsafe.
He was also a cheater and a liar.
Nope. 👎
I was so relieved to find this video. I recently blew up in anger at someone who fits this profile but i blamed myself all those years. It was impossible to have a conversation beyond what he had eaten or was planning to eat. Would watch the news religiously but have no empathy or distress about horrible events, immediately planning his next meal or checking the weather. Not a spiritual bone in his body.Every conversation was like ground hog day. I could feel the veil between us but despite my efforts to break through it never happened. Eventually i erupted in anger and all the years of hurt, disappointment and yes rage surfaced. He will not forgive as would never have the insight to think, yes i can see my part in this. I am now trying to deal with the guilt at my loss of control. It was years in the making. It doesn't feel great at all. The signs were all there but i couldn't read them back then. Too needy myself and projecting qualities & hope onto this person! In time i pray to let it go. Thanks for the enlightenment 😊 This is my confession.
This video might have solved over 12 years of emotional hurdle for me ,thank you!
Aw, that’s great! I’m glad about that, all the best! 🌷
thank you for making this content!! this is my mom to a T. Peeling back the layers of my family's dysfunction has been an EXPERIENCE lol.
That journey is probably very eye-opening. I‘m glad this was helpful. All the best for your continued discoveries!
I finally accepted after 2 years of serious trying that my ex gf was never going to listen or accept any sort of issues she has. For example, rolling her eyes at me and scoffing (she's mid 30s...), then when I say "hey what's wrong" it's met with "Nothing" and walks off in a strop, and I'm left wondering what the hell I've done wrong this time. And because I didn't ask them enough (only two times) that i should be happy going to bed with someone who clearly is angry with me and won't tell me why. I just thought because I'm very aware I'm far from perfect, I made mistakes etc and I will always admit wrong doing because it helps me grow as a human, it makes me a better partner and it makes me happy to make them happy. But when it becomes impossible to talk to someone about anything because it's met with "You're attacking me" when I say "Hey can you understand when you don't tell me what is wrong, I can't know, I need you to tell me" if this is an attack then wow.
The "Accept you'll never have emotional connection with this person" WHY would anyone want a relationship like that?! I walked away in Jan and all the damage from that relationship has still got me second guessing myself, I use to be so confident and talkative now, I'm always wondering "Oh maybe I'm a bad person, maybe it sounds like i'm attacking someone if I speak up for myself" I know deep down, from having fantastic healthy relationships in the past, that I didn't magically change into someone else, so thankfully I know my faults, but being honest and mature isn't one of them :)
yes right down i am dealing this with my older brother who is 6 yrs older than me(right now 26yrsold) and me and my parents have no idea that this exits and took a long time to digest and right now we are using some medication from psychiatrist but still there are lot of fightings going in house. Most of the time we are trying to understand but still it is hard very hard to handle this matter. it been nearly so many years we are facing this situation. Hope we will have a day where the fightings just stop and live peacefully. thank you for this video so i know what to do.
Thank you so much! People devoid of empathy and uncapable of recognition nor apreciattion are blood suckers, but one thing for sure they attract the super empath or cold folks like thenselves. Thank you for your video.
Agree. Life experience has taught me is to not waste time with them. Maybe g
.
give them a few chance's otherwis e just
Great video - thankyou. I have an Inlaw who I think this is the issue with!
And I totally needed construcyive advice on how to think of and be in this (forced) relationship and how to deal with it. For a long time it affected me so badly because I took it personally, the lack of interest and internalised it with a feelibg of shame. But now eith our kid/their grabdkid it is so obvious the person is immature.
This is what I’ve been looking for, thank you so so much. My parents and most of my extended family are emotionally immature. I draw emotionally immature partners and otherwise encounter emotionally immature people all the time. It’s not helpful enough for me to just discard all those people in my life - I need to learn how to integrate the steps in this video to create a better environment and experience for myself in this life. Thanks again! ❤🙏
I'm glad this was helpful! 🙂 💗 Yes, it's easier to manage contact with EI people when we have more tools at hand than avoiding them 💯. I've got several other videos on this topic on this channel you might like to check out.. especially these two:
▶ Becoming Immune To Emotional Takeovers & Reclaiming Your Mental And Emotional Autonomy ua-cam.com/video/fxz_NuVDSkE/v-deo.html
▶ 6 Strategies For Resisting Emotional Takeovers From Emotionally Immature People In Interactions ua-cam.com/video/V0G7lGocguI/v-deo.html
This was the missing piece for me right now, thank you!
Great! I‘m glad the video helped 🙂
Thank you! 🌸💖🙏🏻
Thanks for being here 🙂
subbed,thanks for this type of important video 💔💔
Thank you and welcome to the channel 🙂✨
So helpful!
That’s wonderful 🙏🏻
Sehr gut beschrieben…thanx
Danke! 🙂🌺
Again, a brilliant topic!
Glad it resonated with you!
Very insightful.. I've been confused, but did come to that conclusion eventually.
Thanks again 🌹
My pleasure!
This was fantastic. Thank you for your clear advice
Thank you! I‘m glad you found this helpful 🌷
This was great. Thank you very much!!!
Glad it was helpful 🙂🌱
hey Maika this video was INCREDIBLE. There are lots of videos about narcissism and so few about this insidious offshoot, the emotionally immature adult.
I'll be sure to
(1) Adapt expectations - stop hoping they'll evolve/understand/emphathise/overreact when I do something they don't like
(2) Goal focus - make sure every interaction has a purpose behind it. And otherwise avoid. Often my purpose has been to avoid the emotionally immature person's further upset, but then I get caught in trying to placate them.
(3) Observer perspective - yes! Keep distance! and
(4) Set boundaries and take charge.
Lately I've been doing the last two especially. When I ask myself what I'm getting from the relationship, I find it's nothing at all. I've felt sorry for them for many years, and that's why I've interacted with them. But lately I've noticed that they are actually unappreciative and overbearing to the point that it's insulting. Since I've stopped engaging with this individual, I've found myself ALOT happier; and their negativity has stopped fuelling my own negative internal dialogue. I'm so much kinder to myself, because I'm not trying to cover myself in order to placate the emotionally mature person and I'm not tolerating their negativity.
I must say I also appreciate that you don't use emotive language, or speak in such a way that viewers feel dependent on your videos. I aways come away feeling happy, empowered and freer when I watch your content.
Hi Beatrice! I'm so glad you found this video helpful! And thank you for sharing your experience with redirecting/changing a relationship with an emotionally immature person. It sounds like you've found a lot of relief by stepping out of the distorted mirror this emotionally immature person was holding up in front of you. I'm very happy to hear that. Also, great point about not making it a goal to placate the EI person - they can keep us busy for the rest of our lives! All the best!
Well, we're done so that was his way of handling expectations.
Great Great Great! Thank you
Glad it was helpful ☺️🌸
Very helpful, thank you
wonderful! 🙏😊
Deep Big Thanks.
🌻🙂🙏🏻
Thank you🥰
Thanks for being here! 🌺
Omg! Yes yes yes yes! This is IT!
🙂 I felt the same when I listened to Lindsay Gibson‘s book!
Thank you so much for this video. I've been dealing with an immature partner for a long time. Your video not only helped me to cope better with all this, but it also allowed me to better see my own immaturity and mistakes. You also have a soothing and comforting energy.
Aw, thanks! I‘m glad this resonated with you and was helpful! 🦋 I‘ve also got more videos on this topic - you can find them in my „emotional maturity“ and „boundaries“ playlists. All the best!
Amazing insights ❤
That‘s great 🌼
This is the best understanding of this topic on you tube… love your video.
Thank you ❤️ I’m glad this resonated with you! 🙂🌷
Thank you
🙂🌺
Growth, Thank you doctor
🙂🙋♀️🙏🏻
Thank you so much, this is the exact same problem I have
I‘m glad this was helpful ☺️ All the best!
this one changed my life. thank you so much
I‘m glad it was this helpful 🙂🙏🏻 All the best!
Thanks need this. My parents are like that ❤
Glad this was helpful 🙂
they will consume you! trust me ! personal experience
💯
This was the best said, well put, discussion on this topic. I particularly want to thank you for addressing the emotional immature parent and how we can be the child and be well aware and also more mature. You are doing such an extraordinary job and you have so much sincerity that's it's so easy to listen and learn from you. Thank you. God bless you and your family.
Aw, thank you! I’m glad this resonated with you! And I’m glad you find it easy to listen to my videos ☺️ I‘m happy you’re here - welcome!
Dear Maika, i become aware of this video on your instagram post, thanks for sharing.
It is summarizing the issue of my all life, which began hurting me through my emotionally immature parents.
I am sending my deepest regards, thank you for this touch.
The Master appears when the student is ready...
Hi! Thank you! I’m glad you’ve gained insight and hopefully also some relief through this video. It makes such a difference to be able to recognize emotionally immature behavior and adapt one’s own thinking and actions to it, so one doesn’t keep getting hurt.
2:29 Superior Position. Nice word usage! 😊
Thank you 🙂
Morpheus: "I know exacly what you mean".
Thank you very much.This is very helpful. I think the most important part in a relationship with emotionally immature people is to protect yourself.
Glad it's helpful and yes, otherwise we'll get frustrated over and over...
Great video. Easy to understand and identify with the information. It comes at a time when I need it most.
Glad this was helpful. All the best!
I personally believe not many people are emotionally amateur as a whole but their emotions are limited to specific person, thing or event.
Interesting thought 🤔
@@DrMaikaSteinborn thank you ☺️
Thank you. :-)
A great video and the only one I've come across dealing with this, despite it surely being a necessary part of life for many people: we don't always have a free choice about who we interact with in our lives and so we need to find constructive, emotionally regulated ways of responding to that - not always easy imo. I also think we should by default be understanding of others - develop empathy - and I'm not sure we do that by just removing anyone from our life not perfect (especially when none of us are ourselves perfect anyway).
💯
Its damn unfair to have family like this! Even if i dun expect makes me so pissed
💯
Oh thanku for yr reply@@DrMaikaSteinborn
Yes and it's me I want to be mostly mature is sociologically mature instead of immature I am working on myself it's up to others to work on themselves
💯 All the best to you!
Not emotionally responsive or sensitive
Unable to reciprocate
Again!!! Such brilliant and helpful content! Thank you Dr. Maika 🙏
Glad you think so and thank you so much for the appreciative comments!🌻
I work with someone that this describes to a tee. Thank you for this information. It helps in how to understand and with this person.
I‘m glad this was helpful ✨
X emotion and approval
My ex was emotionally immature. I kept getting hurt to a point (after a year and a half of trying very hard to be understood) where I lashed out at him. He couldn’t handle the conflict/communicate about it and he left me even though he said he loved me. It’s been three months and I feel so devastated. I don’t know that he realizes just how much he threw away :/
I'm sorry to hear that your relationship took this difficult course. Communication is really a must for healthy relationships. It sounds like there might be some deeper issues that were triggered in him if he was willing to give up the whole relationship to avoid talking through the conflict.
Yes, he has a lot of issues he needs to sort out. He has terrible anxiety as well, some of the most severe I’ve ever seen. And I say this as someone who has struggled with very serious anxiety for a majority of her life. I always was understanding of his anxiety and would comfort him, but I also always encouraged him to seek help and would express my concern when things seemed serious. He would often get defensive, frustrated, and angry. He would tell me I made his issues seem much bigger than they really were. I really tried to help him and I put up with a lot of behavior I shouldn’t have, just to be left and blamed in the end, by the person I considered my love and my best friend.
We would often get into arguments that really in my opinion were miscommunications that would be unnecessarily escalated, he’d always insist i started them, usually by just expressing my feelings. One night I had an anxiety attack and didn’t want him to leave as I felt I needed some comfort, but he got frustrated with me and kept saying he wanted to go home. He sounded angry and in a moment of pain and frustration I gave him a push on the back, as if to say fine, then go. It was not a hard or violent push, it was an honest mistake in the heat of the moment, but I felt horrible immediately, I apologized before he left. I was a mess that night, I felt awful. When he got home I tried to text him to apologize again and maybe discuss things, but he didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted space and I gave it to him and days later he calls me sobbing that he’s ending things. I apologized again for the push and he said he knew I was sorry and he didn’t seem mad. The phone call was hard an emotional, but loving. In the days following he kept in contact and we spoke as if we were still best friends. This was confusing for me so I tried to reach out for some clarity and that’s when he snapped at me. We were texting and he got angry, told me I was making him relive the hardest thing he ever had to do (the break up) and kept telling me to stop talking about it. I was hurt and confused and in that moment only just realized it was a true break up and not a break. I asked him why and he said he had to do it for himself. Things got heated and he suddenly said “you put your hands on me” and he couldn’t get past it. I felt sick to my stomach.. I knew what I did was wrong but I had only ever been a loving and supportive partner for the year and a half we were together. I am a gentle nurturing loving person and I would never hurt someone - especially the person I loved the most. He told me to stop talking so I just did. I have no idea if he actually sees me as some horrible aggressive monster now and it breaks my heart. I wasn’t perfect and I slip up sometimes but I always forgave him when he hurt me or made a mistake.. and he couldn’t do the same. I spent months blaming myself thinking I was a monster but I know I’m not. A mistake doesn’t define me or negate the fact I was a loving caring partner and a good person. the fact that we never even had a conversation about what happened is so hard for me. I couldn’t explain what I was feeling, why it happened, or how I was going to work on it going forward. I genuinely think I had reached a breaking point with his disregard for my emotions and feelings and that’s why it happened. It doesn’t make it okay, but I don’t think it was worth throwing everything away over. I hate feeling like the “bad guy” for a mistake I made and genuinely feel remorse for, and feeling like it’s my fault things are over between us. I wish he had the maturity to understand my feelings and to work through the issue.
It's been a while since I've been able to get back to you, so probably there's been motion in your life with this situation. I hope it has gotten better for you. What you describe sounds like a painful break-up - considering the fact that you weren't able to process it together and get some shared closure. I was glad for you to read what you wrote about not letting someone else's perception of you or a mistake define you. It sounds like you're doing important and helpful processing work.
When someone's not willing to expand their emotional maturity, it always creates limitations for their relationships - in some way, at some point, sooner or later. Of course, I don't know the situation like you do, but my hunch is that if it wouldn't have been the situation you described, something else would have made the relationship difficult in the long run. Emotional immaturity will show up and limit a relationship at some point. And a big part of the immaturity is blaming it on the other person and needing the other person to be the “bad guy”. There's no other way for an emotional immature person to justify not wanting to work on themselves... That doesn't mean the other person actually is the “bad guy”.
I wish you all the best! I'm sure you've learned a lot from this relationship for your next relationship - things that will make the next relationship so much better
@@DrMaikaSteinborn its still very hard. I miss him daily, but know I deserve better. He reached out to me once, to extend condolences, and that was the extent of our communication. I’m very lost as to how someone who swore to be my best friend and loved me could just switch on me so suddenly.. I wish I could make him see how much I did for him.
For 17 years i feel ive been chasing after or waiting for a connection hes just not able or willing to give me. I chose to stay so now Im sad, exhausted and heartbroken. This is the part i played. 😪💔
Phuu, sounds like a difficult situation 💔. I wish you all the best going forward ❤️🩹.
My boyfriend is so broken and emotional immature..... On top of that, he's ruined his own 4 children (with 3 woman). I have never met such a person and I have even been with a narcissist. .. But this nearly killed me last year... He was totally emotional unreachable and no matter what I asked him, he'd say "i dont know or i dont remember" and then shut down.... At One point he asked me if i was ok, i told him "No not at all". I started crying and 30 seconds latter, he was sleeping..... I lost 46 pounds, my face started itching and my feet got exema..... I began to realize that something was'nt right in May, 3 months in our relationship.... He didn't show any care, interrest or concern for anybody.....
I have begun to shut him out now, and it has a positive effect, but I allso know that its only for a short while..... I love him deeply because of who he fooled me to believe he was but allso because i knew him when we were 6 to 12 years old... And even some times i think that i can se him from before in his eyes, when i have One of my breakdowns and I reach into him.... Am i going crazy? Can they not be normalized? Otherwise i am slowly getting myself ready for breaking up..... My life is to precious and to short for spending it on someone who denies to go into counceling, to selfreflect or to grow....
This sounds like a really challenging relationship, I’m sorry you have to go through this🫶🏻 Most emotionally immature people can grow out of it, but it takes willingness to face one‘s issues and to work on them. If that’s not the case, change is pretty unlikely… whatever happens with your relationship I wish you all the best and lots of strength ❤️🌷☀️
Thank you so much.... I am slowly detaching from him and preparing myself to call it quits... He doesnt want to work with him self and hes got alle the excuses for it in the world. But I have had it. I am done.
It allmost killed me last year and my life is simply too short for this.... I dont want to be my partners therapist nor use all of my time and being felling sad and alone and beeing the only one who is doing any work at all....
It would be different if he went to therapy. In that case i would fight with him and for him till the very end. But i cant fight for anyone that doesnt want to man up, step up and get in the game...... Who is living in completely denyal and is having absolutely no interrest in me, or his own children. I cant witness that anymore.....
We have all experiencened some trauma in our childhood. And in our relationships after words. The difference is, that I didnt want to let my past define who i am or who i want to be.
I have 5 adult children, soon to be 2 grand children and I love them and my life dearly.
Alle the things that define a healthy relationship just isnt there. And I finally have had it. I am done feeling sorry for him or feeling like a bad person if I also turn out to be one of the woman who left him. He is 48 years old and come on.... Grow up. I give up......
I was talking yesterday with a friend about this topic ..thank you ..i ll try to apply your tips..bravo!!Doctora Maika
Oh, I'm glad this came at a good time. All the best to you and your friend!
One of the most emotional mature and self aware people I know is actually 30 years younger than me. I would love to date her but obviously there are some pitfalls.
Yes, emotional maturity doesn’t always correspond to age!
Do you have a video about talking to adult children that have been alienated by another parent ?
Not specifically… what’s always crucial is deep/empathetic listening, I’ve got a video about that ua-cam.com/video/SIuwJ7kb3EA/v-deo.html
I realized that I’m the emotionally immature person and I don’t know why. I’m currently in a relationship and I just need help. He calls me childish a lot and of course immature and I get so angry easily. I’ve been trying to figure out how I can combat this to become a better person. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi! To be honest, I'm a little sceptical about him calling you childish and immature a lot. Of course, I don't know the whole situation, just the few details you've mentioned above. But reflecting from what you've written, to me it seems like he's also got some things to learn, and I hope otherwise he treats you well. I'm saying this because even if someone is immature, it doesn't help at all to call them that to their face. It only hurts that person's feelings. If he's not satisfied with something, it would be a lot more helpful, if he would tell you how he's feeling and what his unfulfilled need is, rather than criticising you.
Having said that - when you get angry, before you lash out, look inside yourself and see what need is unfulfilled for you. What do you need in that moment that you're not getting and that's causing the frustration? Then tell him that.
It makes a huge difference to say, “I had hoped we could spend this evening together. I feel the need to connect to you.” instead of saying, “You never have time for me!”
Also, please know that it's not solely your responsibility to nourish your relationship. He also shares part of that responsibility. The responsibility to learn, communicate and invest into each other. It has to be mutual.
I hope this helps and wish you all the best! Maybe these videos also help:
“What If I'm The Emotionally Immature Person In A Relationship?”
ua-cam.com/video/doIk3ifvXXY/v-deo.html
Increasing Emotional Intimacy: Replacing Protest Behavior With Honesty
ua-cam.com/video/nT9ssXuv3nY/v-deo.html
I definitely agree with Dr. Maika, but I just want to add that if you feel angry, I agree that that anger is coming from somewhere of pain and lack of your needs being fulfilled. Of course like she said, we don't know the details, but when he says you are childish, this sounds like it is invalidating and gaslighting. I advise doing some research on gaslighting and seeing if that is something you are going through with him. It already sounds like he has made you feel like you are to blame and that you are the sole problem of your relationship issues; so it sounds like he's been gaslighting you just from that in my opinion. Even when you say you feel you are the emotionally immature one, but you don't know why, it sounds like you feel confused and conflicted in why you think that, but he's convinced you that you are. If you feel like you are questioning yourself, especially when it is something you have never really felt until he came along, you could be experiencing gaslighting and cognitive dissonance. The way you act, could be a reaction to emotional abuse, as anyone would experience when dealing with abuse. Of course, I don't know the specific details so this is just something I am advising for you to think about and look out for. Another thing to think about is the fact that you are looking for advice on how to do better, but if you were so emotionally immature, would you feel the need, especially wanting, to seek out answers on how to do that? What you have done, at least to me, is a pretty mature thing to do.
Thanks for the great video!!! Only question: what if I have an emotionally immature parent that sometimes DOES have the capacity to be loving and reciprocating? I never know which version I'm going to get when I meet them; and while minimising my expectations helps a ton, I'm having trouble actually accepting their love when they DO fulfill my expectations (which is a seldom occurence, but still) 😅 Any ideas?
What can we do if we find ourselves being the emotionally immature (EI) person that other family members (or people) have a hard time dealing with? The catch-22 (imo) is that we (the EI) feel 'given up on' and pushed outside of family and communities that would otherwise foster our development. I believe most of us want to rise, assume more responsibilities outside of our comfort zones, enjoy meaningful, intimate relationships, grow in empathy, contribute to our communities, and expand our scope of feeling, thinking, stewardship, and living. We just don't know how to get from point A to B (a place of emotional maturity). It's harder to grow with added challenges of being ostracized, isolated, unseen, and misunderstood, and I'd go further to suggest that these factors and feelings even breed some of our narcissistic tendencies (we may or may not even be aware of) that compensate for feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, fear. I'll also add that societal/work pressures to perform exasperates the problem, because without healthy work-life balance, we'll pour ourselves into work or hobbies to feel validated from a deep, dark pit we've only begun to fully realize, along with unresolved traumas or blocks we might be trying to navigate. I'm sure there's not a silver bullet answer to this, but am trying to take daily steps of faith and courage to seek wisdom, learn from others, accept constructive criticism, ....to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with (my) God.
I think it's great you're taking daily steps to learn and grow, that sounds like you're on a good path! Feeling given up on is definitely painful and difficult... It's hard for me to find words in answer to your comment, I have so many questions: Is this person really EI or is it a question of low self-esteem or something else? Why did they get ostracized? What exactly happened? How come it's hard for them to know how to get from point A to point B? What have they tried - what worked, what didn't? At which point exactly is this person now?... I think what I can say is - I understand what you're saying, if someone is ostracized it doesn't always make change easier... At the same time, for some people (not saying this is you or everyone) that's a helpful wakeup call... and others need to be able to protect their limits and set boundaries...
I like Lindsay Gibson too. I watched an interview of her with Ameé Quiriconi (ua-cam.com/video/SBpkDAqccf4/v-deo.html) where purpose of life was one of the subjects. Her thoughts about "purpose of life" come close to what I've called "primal wisdom/knowledge", the knowledge and wisdom which is snowed under by the norms, values, and moral of the society a person was born to.
Wow, thanks for sharing this, that sound very profound and makes me want to listen to this interview.
Thank you for this! It was perfect for my situation.
Your voice sounds pained in this video; I am sure you speak a lot and good you have a chance to rest it when you need to. ❤
I‘m glad the video was helpful! And thank you for your concern 🫶🏻. I do get, or better, take slots & days of rest for voice, body and mind 🙂🪴So important 👍🏻 Don‘t remember what was going on when I filmed this 😅…
Great video lots of great info... But hearing the smacking was really hard to get through...
Thanks for the feedback. I’m glad the infos were helpful and I‘m working on eliminating the smacking in new videos 🎥
How often, how long, which topics, no complaining
Can you define what emotional maturity vs immaturity and maybe some examples first? Im not quite sure what behavier patterns categorize them as emotionally immature. Im not too educated and this was very unclear for me. I was told i need to ve responsible to my own emotion ans be accountable. Im really not sure what action is needed as an example. Im really confused w how to take accountability.
Sure! Since emotions are involved in all aspects of life, emotional immaturity can affect any area of life: relationships, our own mental and physical health, financial decisions, our ability to stick with healthy habits... Someone who is emotionally immature isn't aware of emotions - their own or those of others, and has difficulty regulating their emotions in healthy ways. Instead of turning towards their emotions and regulating them in healthy ways, someone who is emotionally immature will try to escape and avoid their emotions (for example by numbing them with alcohol, or excessive shopping and binging to numb of any kind...). Emotional immaturity also means not understanding the importance and power of emotions.
You wrote you've been told you need to be responsible for your own emotions and be accountable. I think the best thing to do would be to seek a clarifying conversation with the person who told you this, where you focus on listening and understanding (not explaining or defending). Ultimately, only the person who gave you this feedback can really know what they meant by it, and often people are happy to explain and give examples if they see interest in the other person. You could ask, “What do you mean when you say xyz? Which interaction are you thinking of in which I wasn't accountable? How would you notice any improvements on my part? Which behavior and actions would let you know I've changed?”
Examples for not taking responsibility for one's own emotions are:
- becoming angry and shouting at someone that had nothing to do with it
- exaggerated emotional responses to minor events
- feeling hurt and switching into a long monologue about how it's not your fault and denying any responsibility or part you played whatsoever
- insisting the other person mistreated you, when in fact you misinterpreted the situation or it triggered a response in you that wasn't warranted due to your own unprocessed inner wounds and past hurts
- not showing "weak" emotions or vulnerability
Taking responsibility for one's own emotions means understanding the part your own mind plays in creating them. Only 3% of the brain's nerve cell connections are to our senses. 97% are nerve cells connected to other nerve cells. That means a lot happens in our mind based on our brains guesses and comparisons with the past, and only parts of the conclusions our mind comes to are based on what our senses actually perceived.
Being accountable to your own emotions means seeing the part your own past and fears play in creating them. When we can filter this out, we can soothe that more irrational part of our emotions ourselves, instead of expecting others to tip-toe around us or do this for us. I hope this makes sense and helped! All the best to you! I think it's great you're doing research on this topic, it's very worthwhile!
@@DrMaikaSteinborn
thank you! So it's not about the emotion it self is immature, but rather the actions that one takes after feeling the emotion is immature in comparison to standard adult practices. Got it!
I grew up with extremely busy but caring parents and unfortunately had CPTSD from slight neglect from childhood. I'm more than aware of exact emotions that I feel almost at all times. Neglect feeling has been resolved because I have broght up the issue with my mom and we have talked through the pain that I was feeling. She has reassured me her love and now I am at rest with the anger burst (memory of being a toddler - for good.)
Since the emotion is interpretation of neurological activity from the external stimuli, I wasn't quite sure how to understand how that can be immature.
So in other words, emotional immaturity points out a person who is not self-aware.
I have a quick reaction but that usually comes from feeling of being misunderstood. It is crippling for the last 6month. My "temper" was making him angry that he tried to divorce me three times. I'm losing sense of self all together.
Yes, emotional immaturity is about the way we perceive, relate to, process and regulate our emotions, not about the emotions themselves. 💯 I'm glad to hear you've had resolving conversations with your mom. It sounds like your marriage is going through a rough patch. Maybe you'd like to consider some couple's therapy to help you get through it. John Gottman's books are really helpful for marriage-work, too. I wish you all the best for this!
@@DrMaikaSteinborn I wish. He just yelled at me how everything is my fault and it's all my fault that I'm always unhappy and miserable. Which I really am not, I have my own business, I love my clienteles, I refuse to move to his location by selling my own house that's paid off and my business. So yay. Emotional maturity or guilt trip. Oh. And he owes me 35j that he stole
Urgh, that sounds really difficult...
These strategies do not work in a marriage. It completely defeats the purpose of marriage. The relationship is intended to be very deep, personal, and fulfilling. At that point you're just staying to say you did if there is no emotional connection. These strategies work better with extended family, friends, or a boss like was mentioned here.
Thanks for adding these thoughts. I agree with you 💯. If a marriage only works with these kinds of strategies, something is wrong on a deep level and it’s more important to focus on working on that, rather than applying these strategies. They definitely are meant for certain acquaintances, extended family, difficult parents, colleagues, a boss…
@@DrMaikaSteinborn Absolutely!!
Obviously they test your limits like a kid to see you pop a cork so show you have the ability to control yourself. There is what is called identify constructive criticism which I found Lindsay didn't mention what is helpful criticism or is that remark meant to intentionally meant as an insult. Identify the criticism. Difficult people skills you should practice seeing they intentionally give you lack of respect. Walk away and tell them to talk to you in a better tone.
My ex gf to a T. It was always about her.
She is 39 and I'm 53. She has 2 young kids 12 and 4. She was abusive, mentally, verbally, and physically. She always thought she could get any guy she wanted and that I was the problem and I started questioning myself. She never understood that most men her age don't want to raise someone who has 98% custody of their kids. The emotional immaturity of her was over the top. Even her mother told me to stay away from her. Sad. I treated her and her kids good.
I'm sorry to hear this, sounds like it was a painful experience for you to go through. Hope you're in a better place now!
Is there any cure for these people?
Most of them could change and grow, the question is: do they want to... The stage of personality development of strong emotional immaturity is sometimes called the "ego"-mode. The main driver of growth in this mode is reaching the limits of their way of life.
@@DrMaikaSteinborn Do you have any example of an immature person who beat this problem?
@@relaxationpeacefulmusic6296 We all start out in the ego-mode as babies, but most people outgrow it, so in a way most adults are an example of someone having learned more emotional maturity than they had... Maybe you'd be interested in watching my videos on the stages of personal growth where I talk more about this: ua-cam.com/video/IFZQGXmZ0oI/v-deo.html
Let stop you right there. 1:29 "Emotional Maturity" based on who's definition? Yours? I have notice people tend to choose their narrative, right or wrong, without considering facts or without doing any research. This is a definition that I think best describes this: An emotionally mature person manages their emotions well even in difficult situations, takes accountability, is okay with being vulnerable, and shows empathy to others. Women today think that this only applies to men and if a "men" does not cater to their every whim, the men and not the woman must be "Emotionally Immature". You are automatically starting your dialog with women vs "emotionally immature men". Are there no "emotionally immature" women?
I'm not sure what I said in the video that made it come across as me starting my dialog with women vs. emotionally immature men. That's not what I think or intended to say. Women can be emotionally immature. It's not a question of gender. Anyone can be emotionally immature. Acutally, if someone were to respond the way you described this woman responds - one-sidedly blaming the man and not self-reflecting - that is a sign of emotionally immature behavior.
Is this a dig at Donald Trump?
HAHAHAHAAH..maybe ; )
😄 I didn't have him in mind specifically...
They sound narcissistic.
Narcissists definitely fall into this category, too!