Your fear that the narcissist will REPLACE you
Вставка
- Опубліковано 8 січ 2021
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
it's because we're always afraid they may change for their new person
Yes. We do and do and do and give and give and give and never measure up. Nothing ever makes them happy long enough. To know your replaced by someone who could be your own daughter is heartbreaking. When I think of it my whole body reacts on a similar level to when I found out. Heart races, trembling, sometimes that start of a panicky attack where your hearing goes off wack and you feel a little dizzy. I've yet to read the book but have it on my to do list ...the body keeps the score. How true it is. I have guilt for what mine has gone thru, it makes me sick to think about it, but I can't live like this any longer. The daily misery and brokenness is so hard to bear. 3 decades you give your all, you have your dream, you know things are not right but somehow you keep plugging along and hoping every day. But then you see what you can't unsee (this knowledge of info about npd) and nothing is invisible or excusable any longer. I feel crushed and grief like none other. At times I don't think they even have an emotional bone in their body, except when it's to screw with our minds
So true
Yes! You're so right!
Only they dont 🤭
@@gallevran yeah which is a relief to me xD
If you can sense the discard, you’ve already been replaced.
It hurts so bad tho
@@daleroymunashe4ikr best iv found is to not care but yh very painful
They keep you on edge thinking you’re not good enough and as though anyone else is better than you. It’s because they’re insecure about themselves. They’re projecting.
My husband always seems to scoff at any achievement I've made when we're alone, when my kids express they're proud he seems to right away agree, then either walks away or changes the subject. He acts like he's angry at my achievements and others mention that maybe because he's jealous of my time, or he's afraid I won't need him now that I have my own money. As a passive aggressive he's always the victim. But that's one way he keeps control and gets pleasure, he puts me down and then pretends it hurts him.
I grew up with that mentality
Having another enforce the same mentality later on in my adult life hasn't helped me grow but regress in some aspects and it doesn't feel by choice but by necessity. 😩
@@patricehoward9831 I've seen your comments here often. Curious, I clicked on narc survivor channel to see what the channel is about. To me the robot voice & the background music seems hypnotic. The about page - interesting. Who IS narc survivor? I couldn't find anything about the actual person? 🤔
@@patricehoward9831 My gut instinct is uneasy, I can't quite put my finger on it, something seems off. However I listen to myself. To your own self be true.🖤
Oh my goodness😳😳
In a nutshell, trying to have a "relationship" with a narcissist is like having a constant tug of war between your mind and your heart. Your mind says "this is toxic, let him go", but your heart holds on tight and begs "i can't let him go" 😩
Very true
100%
So true!
Well said
Exactly. :(
I had a fear of being replaced and ultimately I WAS "REPLACED" and you know what...I'm ok 🙂
Not that large of a loss, right? Not really. Not in the end. Wishing you well.
💯✔✔✔
❤️
Congrats :)
Just found out about my replacement after years of fear around this.
If you already have that feeling about them, they have already replaced you or are replacing you during the moment. You staying doesn't stop anything. Let them create hell in another person's life, while you heal. Some humans are empty vessels looking for a soul to snatch...over and over and over again.
You have to have guts to face things as well as you do.
@@cymbolichuman433 thank you, but that just means you have the guts too. I'm still learning, healing, and educating myself as that type of treatment is inhumane when you go through it. We have to break the cycle within ourselves to cease these people from our existence.
So true. I experienced this recently at work. Suddenly realized I wasn’t going to be replaced at some future point for a special project...but the game was already in play and my shiny replacement had already won.
It is sooooooo hard. I want my DNA to win….to make my mind and my heart remember what he did and what I allowed myself to feel.
he told me the 1st weekend he was replacing me! Then couldnt understand when I bolted for that. Took him 6 months to find a replacement, and she is a downgrade that he claims to be extatic about!
I’m at that point where I am like “thank goodness she replaced me.” Honestly, she is isn’t “better than me” and he isn’t worth fighting for.
I think "he's not worth fighting for" is one of the healthiest statements I've ever heard.
Let someone else win the idiot prize. I've done my time. I've learned my lessons. I'm ready for the real thing now.
well said!
fuckyeah!
Idiot prize 😂
After believing I was irreplaceable in his life, and then seeing how easily not only I was replaced, but he had been seeing other women the whole time he was seeing me and hid me from everyone. Soulmate wasn’t in my vocabulary until he put it there by calling me his. I have a hard time trusting myself now to know anymore what is genuine and what is not. That is where the real devastation is for me. It was so real for me, and it sent me into a tailspin that I really haven’t come out of yet.
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 Praying for strength to get wisdom and self love
You WILL come out of it--just don't rush into another relationship and ruin what might be the real thing but got sabotaged because of the baggage from the previous toxic relationship.
@@wolfgangk1 yessss I agree with you 💪🏾 🙏🏾time to focus on self
Sweetheart...know that you are Loved and are Beloved.
Same.. I can SO relate to you!! It's been devastating to feel like you cannot even trust YOURSELF! I'm just now seeing that EVERY man ( and several friends) I'm tried to love in a committed relationship has been a Narc... It all stems from my narc Mother. I'm terrified of people and now know that I'm going to have to stay away from people until I heal and get help to break MY codependency and empathic patterns, to stop being a narc magnet and repulse them hopefully!!
Don‘t be afraid!
He is going to replace you!
He is in his second „partnership“ after me!
People told me his first one looked exactly like me 😂😂😂😂
The problem is not the fact that narcissists replace you. The problem is your deeply rooted fear that you are replaceable!
You are unique and precious.
Nobody can replace you once you know that!
Love yourself.
I can be replaced. He has already told me , I’m not all that. Replace me ! Sooner the better. I’ll help you pack...
When He left me...I cleaned the car washed and ironed his clothes and wished him well.
@@cymbolichuman433 i helped moved what tiny bit of stuff he had over my place, changed his address, and made sure there was no reason for him to come back over.. when he did come back over to see me, i didn’t answer the door and blocked his calls with a spam filter..
I tried to talk to my ex-narc. I asked him why he was treating me so badly. He told me that I was nothing special. That woke me up, and I told him to get out. I said "we are done". That was the end of my nightmare!
@@FlowerGrl20 I was told to take my kids and get out almost weekly the last years
Amen! Help them pack. At that point you should no longer care.
At first I was jealous. But by now I'm sure she's being left on read for 6+ hours a day and being told what not to wear, so I dont care anymore.
what to wear, how to do your hair, what to eat, when to eat, when to go to bed, how to sleep in the bed ...
Yep exactly
Your narc sounds like mine
"left on read for 6 hours"? try two months mate... i only WISH he'd answer in 6 hours!!! 😆
They replace way before you even feel the discard… its heartbreaking
One of my ex narcissists started dating a woman soon after I left & she looks just like me. And my last ex Narcissist ended his life with hookers & blow before he died from that lifestyle. I don't look back in awe, I look back in relief, huge relief. Anyone who is dealing with this kind of person, I pray for. Find your grounding and strength. You don't have to stay with them.
Terrible. Just terrible. Yes they do seem to look for others they’ve been with ....not only looks.... but I knew this before I saw a photo of a previous ex and the ‘look’ he goes for.
@@dubliner1303 Oh yes! My ex narc has a specific look that is all the same . His ex wife and his past GF’s and me all look alike ! I find that so strange ! What is that all about?
I remember hating that song, 'If you love somebody, set them free" because I knew that if I set them free they were going to fly away and probably never come back. However, after a while of being miserable, I concluded that holding a person hostage---knowing for a fact that I'd be replaced within less than a day couldn't drive my sensibilities any longer.
I sacrificed and poured yourself, suffered abuse and lost years of my life in trying to make the narcissist happy and spare the inevitable discard---and what did get in return. NOTHING.
Folks you have to know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Because you're only wasting more time and yes you'll be replaced and as far as I'm concerned, they just got fool's gold and that's worthless. .
You were replaced every time she cheated, you just got to keep paying the bills!
Dr. Ramani, you are so awesome!
I agree. Sometimes you have to know the person you're dealing with, and no matter what you do, it won't change. They are in constant need of supply to flll their empty souls. Like a snake...It is their nature to bite you. Just a matter of time. If you're lucky, discard them before they do you. Save yourself alot of pain down the road because if you catch them cheating ( and you will ) they won't admit anything and then will blame you.
Been crap under my narcissistic mother’s feet all of my life. Tried for 60 years to “honor my mother”. She has replaced me with a surrogate daughter next door. I wish the surrogate well.. she has no idea!
Sorry about that.
Dr Ramani you have saved me n constantly help me getting better
same with me.. everytime I get depressed she comes and make me feel good.
Me too.
It’s like she already speaks what my soul tries to express!! She wakes up my subconscious and gets me thinking for the better. So amazing.
I ALMOST spent $69.99 today, to get a Spy app --for his phone.
Then, I caught myself, and said WHY...
Do I REALLY GAF??.... The gaslighting, the cruelty, the (probable) cheating, the fact that he Rarely goes out of his way to spend any quality- time with Me....(unless he's horny).
Why do I care?
I actually Don't.
So "Bye bye bye"..loser-boy
Same here. Was dating a Navy cdr who just ghosted me after I told him I liked him and wrote to him about my feelings for him. It wasn’t what he wanted so he just left. Now I know he was vulnerable narcissist and understand emotionally unavailable. He’s meeting g more people now in a new city. During pandemic I was his stop gap. Terrible behavior. He actually takes care of his family so well. But they can shed you in a heart beat. He was meeting all kinds of new people. Twists your mind these people. So please stop, value yourself. You are okay by yourself. Actually more than okay.
I was hoping he would find a replacement...and he did....they just got divorced.......
That’s perfect. I mean actually it probably didn’t feel funny to anyone involved but it’s so predictable. At least you’re free.
Being replaced was one of my biggest fear. I would tell him “ I know that I’ll be replaced as soon as I leave “ he wouldn’t even pretend to say NO and would make sure I was afraid of the replacement. Till I caught him cheating being all sweet and nice to her. It really hurt. But I know it won’t last and it’s all pretend on his part. And that helps me. You are AMAZING DR RAMANI you are helping me through this ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Be strong cuz that's what you are!
The narcissist in my workplace, the Sr. Director of Info Sys, already has replaced me. The replacement arrives o. 25jan2021. I am so relieved. I already have a new job position waiting on me. I have a brighter, healthier future. I have you to thank Dr. Ramani for teaching me about narcissism and strategies to deal with it... I know that I will be able to heal soon.
@Veegee333 many kindest thanks. As an aside, I did go through all the stuff Dr. Ramani talks about, love bombing, gaslighting, devalue and discard. If I had not started watching her videos, I would have never figured out what was going on.
Congrats on your new job! 🥳
@@justinalee7306 many thanks😃😃😃
This is off-topic, but just wanted to say: Dr. Ramani, jewel tones look so beautiful on you! This sapphire top totally rocks it! 😀💕
During the 8 years I was with the ex Narc, he had a total of 6 different cars. Almost every year he'd trade one in for another. There's nothing wrong with someone doing this per se, but looking back I understand that this was a person who traded me just as easily as he traded the Challenger for the Camaro. I was just a replaceable object like a car or an appliance. They have no loyalty and no real attachment to anyone or anything. It was an easy swap for him to dump me and install the New Supply within days. I came to understand all these things a few years after the discard, which was an absolute hellish time of confusion, cognitive dissonance, ptsd, etc....But I finally realized this man was a phony, a fraud and has nothing of substance to offer anyone.....but I DO!
Yes!! My ex was similar. Not just vehicles, but also expensive bicycles, cameras, phones, outdoor gear & clothing, etc...
He was CONSTANTLY selling things that he just bought, in order to afford the next newer/better thing. He'd rave about how wonderfully his new thing was designed and made, until a 'better' one came out in a few months. At first he would convince me that I needed to spend my $ on this stuff toom. Ughh. It was so time consuming, exhausting, and financially draining.
Early on I foresaw him trying to trade up on me too, and I was very distraught. But he tried to convince me that he viewed people differently than objects. 😂
Unfortunately I chose to stay barely disillusioned for too many years before being 'replaced' anyway.
@@guinevere8492 I think it's a type of brainwashing. I was seeing so many things but made excuses. I guess I just couldn't believe someone could be that selfish, shallow and self-absorbed.....He always had the best of the best for himself! He also had more lotions and creams for his face and body than any woman I've ever known. One time he was visiting me, I realized my sheets had some holes in them. I made an innocent comment about them when I noticed it. He offered me his older sheet set he had at home but later I realized he'd just bought a new 1000 thread count sheet set for himself, and he was giving me his "old" ones, lol! Unbelievable! I realized months later that these Narcs are so shallow, it's the only way they can fill the endless void that is their soul....with STUFF, preferably new stuff. And they see people the same way. I was like the old, comfy sweater he kept in his closet for years, but finally got tired of it and threw it out for a new one (the New Supply). It's really that simple for them. These Narcs are about as deep as a puddle. Someone once told me that finally realizing what a narc really is..is like getting a nicely wrapped present but opening it and finding out there's stinky dog poop inside. Good analogy, lol. Hope you're doing better these days. Hugs!
Wow, very similar to my ex narc I was with for 8 years. No loyalty to anything.
Same I realized this the other day with my ex. He always got new phones, traded music equipment, etc. He also didn't take care of things well too, picking at them or playing with them until destroyed which could just be a separate thing but just my observation.
When you start going down the road to replacement fear, just keep reminding yourself how bad the narc made you feel, go back in your mind and feel it (it felt real bad right?) and those thoughts of being replaced will disappear.
Thanks, good idea.
Yes..thank you
I'd also recommend writing down the negative interactions you had with the narc. It helps me to read it when I'm feeling down. I'm like whoa I never ever want to go through that again! But then sometimes I'm like what is wrong with me to have allowed myself be treated so poorly? I can be forgiving to a fault, and I always want to see the best in people.
@Seventeen Raccoons -This is /so/ true. Our minds sometimes overlook all the bad times so we need to be reminded of them. This happened to me the other day when I remembered a really bad argument we had. It made me grateful that I wasn't on that sickening emotional rollercoaster any more.
journaling was a huge helped in this arena!
The horrid thing is when parents used the concept of replacement to hold their kids in line
Yes, I understand that so very well. It is the driving force behind my replacement fears. This sets kids up to go into narcissistically abusive relationships.
Yes, all narcissists do the same crap, they are very predictable when you understand them!
True, the boys next door only 7 and act just there narcissistic dad. The mom is so afraid says he'll change
The golden, scapegoat & invisible child is a form of replacement. If you don't please me or come up to my standard....... you're not my child, you're trash to be thrown aside. Worthless.
@UA-cam Vivo It wasn't an imagined or perceived fear. It was reality. Belonging is part of a person's identity. Take away that & you become a hungry ghost.
I feel so free after being replaced. Yet, I find myself hoping for a hoover and the love bombing. I never imagined being cheated on and replaced would cause me to want his attention even more. I want back the version of the man I know she is currently getting... even though it won’t last.
I can relate to this! These are things we need to look at within ourselves. Give ourself the love and attention we want from them. It’s hard because for me it feels narcissistic (especially when the ex accused me of being the narcissist even though he checks the boxes) to look in the mirror and tell myself “I love you! You’re amazing! You are loved and are loveable” but that’s exactly what we need to do.
I am still in but I know it will end. I constantly think about the beginning and how beautiful it was and how I know someone else will receive that. I guess my fear is that the beginning experience will go on with a new person. That it'll be as amazing as it was in the beginning all through their relationship. Then I'll think I must have been the failure. That I ruined things.
@@jajairaberrios2981 WE FEEL LIKE THAT.....BUT THAT IS NOT REALITY.....A HEALTY PERSON DO NOT DO WHAT THEY DID TO US NO MATTER WHAT...PERIOD.....A HEALTY PERSON WOULD HAVE REACTED IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY....THAT MEANS WE WERE NOT THE PROBLEM......WE MUST WORK ON OUR MINDS AND ALSO GET CLOSER TO GOD.... IM CATHOLIC AND JESUSCHRIST HAS SAVED AND TRANSFORMED MY LIFE IN EVERY SINGLE WAY
😥😥😥😥😥😥
This is me right now.
My replacement is the guy 14 years before me. 😥
I noticed that once I decided that I wanted a partner to choose me and was no longer afraid of being "discarded," my narcissist lost interest in me very quickly.
Same here!
When they leave you're left to tell family, friends and neighbors about the discard. The narcissist just disappears and you're the one who has to deal with the aftermath. There's more than feeling worthless and abused and seeing yourself replaced, you have to face the world and attempt to explain what's happened. So, sure you feel a ton of anxiety for a lot of reasons.
A “replace-tionship”
‘Replacement Anxiety’ is a real phenomenon! Thanks for another enlightening video, Dr Ramani 🙏
After a life of "I can't live without you," he remarried weeks after our divorce was finalized. I smiled and congratulated them to their faces (he was shocked by this. He had sworn the family to silence so he could enjoy springing this on me in his own time, saying he didn't want me to be "hurt"...yeah, right). I kept all semblance of social niceties, got in my car to drive home, and burst out laughing. What a relief. The replacement grief came later, admittedly, but the initial reaction was RELIEF.
I know this comment was two years ago.. but I’m sorry you had to go through that. How are you now? I’m in the midst of the no contact. And pregnant smh. do you talk to any of his family or have you completely cut ties?
Only because of that fear we try to do everything we can to stay with them until we decide to leave
Bingo.
There is always that fear that we are/were the issue and the narc will live happily ever after with the new supply. Its a long healing process
It's my fear too
But the fact is that they can't live happily with anyone ever.
Here is what helped me through my journey: i just consider that if I throw the narc out of my life, if I said " no more", it means that I dont need someone like that in my life. When you throw something away in the trash, do you really check what it becomes within the time? No. So dont follow them anymore you only need worthy things in your life. You may be replaceable for them but the thing is that you dont need a place in their life. Its hell, so leave that place to someone other than you. You deserve someone healthy and normal.
I think replacement anxiety goes deeper than just being replaced. If, for example, you’re in a narcissistic relationship and the narc replaces you, they get to “go off into the sunset” with the new supply (repeating the same dysfunctional patterns, of course), and you are alone to face yourself for what happened.
Most people don’t want to face themselves, but that is the only way to get to the elusive goal of “being authentic.” Being authentic requires a deep dive into one’s strengths and weaknesses-both perceived strengths and weaknesses can lure in narcs and the wrong people. They can also entice the right people-it’s about selection choices, personal boundaries, understanding yourself, and even forgiving oneself and letting go of the narc.
People want to be authentic, but they fear authentic people and the path to authenticity. As someone who has taken the often lonely authentic path, I personally believe people fear if they were truly themselves, they would be rejected-so they reject themselves first in the hopes of gaining others’ approval, setting themselves up for a lifetime of miserable relationships.
Realizing the decision that truly faced me, I took the road less traveled by, and it has made all the difference.
Yea, I can definitely say that it was only when I started to do a deep dive into my issues that I started to realize what fears and weaknesses I had and how they were contributing to my situation. The whole thing really sucks but I am happy that I've at least started that journey and I hope that by facing these fears and working on these issues, it will help me now and also keep me from falling for this type of stuff in the future.
I just took a screen grab of this comment. I love your take on the concurrent desire for and fear of being one’s authentic self as a driving force behind fear of rejection/replacement. Brilliant contribution, and thank you!
@@80islandia I’m sincerely glad I could help 😊
They are also afraid to face the reality of what happened to them because they fear that it will mean something horrible about reality itself. Trauma creates stories for us in our minds, and the most painful part about abuse is that we come to believe those stories. Looking back at the things that happened, it’s important to look very closely at the underlying beliefs that we adopted from those situations and to question them very intently.
@@Fuzballoffur I would agree with that. There is research coming out about something called “moral injury” which is an injury of a person’s conscience and values from a perceived moral transgression. So a soldier in battle or a victim of assault can witness things so incomprehensibly wrong to them which in itself is traumatic. These are tough things to reconcile...you can’t go back to the way things were before, but you have to resolve the trauma somehow if you want to have any semblance of a normal life. People often cope in dysfunctional ways, which is why a good therapist is so important in straightening people’s thought patterns out.
They have a replacement from day 1, they just surch in their harem garage...
Yes yes yes. I was only an object to them anyway. The new people don’t yet know that they are only the newest toy.
He throws that at me too that I need therapy and he doesn’t have to take this from me. That I am broken, damaged and psychologically need help.
That's what my daughters did to me. No therapy no relationship, period. So, they've taken away 6 grandchildren from me and blocked me on all social media.
Therapy is good ...pretty much everyone on Earth needs psychological deep dives. ☺️
@@cathygail9204 Physician heal thyself. Can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. A person has to want to sort their OWN ISSUES first, not everyone else's. There's none so blind as those who cannot see.
If it starts early, you can go through life feeling like a throwaway person
This is the way I feel every day. With every subtle thing that changes I think he has found someone else
A narc replacing you is a great opportunity especially if you where strong enough to leave them. Now you don't have to be bothered with hoovering and on top of that tremendous growth occurs after leaving a narc relationship. It's like be unlocked and set free.
The last year I basically hated him, but feared he would leave me. Never understood it until now. Thank you Doctor!
Been there many times and it is painful when you valued the other person.
The relief comes only when we understand that users find you of no use to them when you stop being used. It is got nothing to do with you but everything to do with them.
As soon as you disengage and go no contact they don’t bother with you. But if you keep up with replying and engaging... then they will continue forever. That in itself says it all.
Ignore until death.
This is true, I think it's important to understand that it's not about that person, you're not missing them or can't imagine life without "them" but rather facing those feelings
I felt like I wasn't seeing things right. Like I deserved to be treated this way. And this is what I get.
For all who is undergoing this situation, try take a good look of the narcissist's true character and their actions, and try visualise what type of internal monologue they have whenever they try to manipulate, gaslight, hoover, degrade, belittle, disrespect, cheat on you, devalue, etc. If you can already imagine it, try feel how low quality those things are, and your soul worth more than those low quality mannerism they have, so its better developing your well being, taking care of your soul, and feel yourself having such deeper quality than those things the narc did towards you. If you can do this, you can mentally detached from them immediately and not consider them as god to be worship upon anymore. See them beyond their superficial charming facade because its just a mask. Hold them not with resentment, but just realise that you can see the demoralising manifestation of a weak human being controlled by the destructive instinct in the narc person. Have compassion and release yourself from the illusion 🙏
Thank you this is a helpful technique.
I can't have compassion for Him. Not yet
@@suzanne4396 I don't have forgiveness for my ex narc and I wish him the absolute worst in life!
@@amberparedes875 Maybe he should hook up with my soon-to-be Ex.....
@@amberparedes875 THAT would be the worst in life!!!
Being replaced is usually a good thing, they’re now someone else’s problem. It’s like selling a second hand car to someone with lots of hidden defects that won’t become apparent to the new owner until it’s too late. Take the money and run.
Hahahaha! Great analogy!
Even tho your analogy is funny, there is no selling happening. Its more like someone else steal your bad defective car. You invested a lot in it and could have get at least a little money by selling the car, but u have no car cuz it was stolen from you. So you lost your investment and also lost your hope and possibility to get at least something back. There really cant be talk about selling, grabbing money and run. Its only a loss. No money.
@@DZ-jz8bj True, but some cars are so bad you need to pay someone to take them away and out of your life.
I just want to say that I learned so much from this channel that even if I don't want to notice narcissistic patterns in peoples behavior it is not possible anymore :) this is really helpful, thank you doctor Ramani, this helps me to choose really quickly the right persons for friendships, relationships, and so on and not to lose time, because lost time is what I regret the most from my past relationship
This is what affected me too "loss of time"... however, everything I've been through has educated me to who I am today.. Wishing you the best in 2021.. ❤
@@sophieh9387 thank you I wish you all the best as well :) yes, you are 100 percent right, it is not only a loss of time but a lesson and it definitely played an important part in sculpting the self I am today. But the brain is a tricky organ, sometimes I forgot this and say to myself that if I had another chance to use my time it will be never for such a person. Better alone and doing the things that I love :) And then I remember that healing is not a linear process. I guess it is ups and downs ups and downs.
So well said.. once you've been taught to see by Dr. Ramani,you can't unsee anymore
My psychologist said “it has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with him” and it’s so true. It’s all about him not being able to be alone. Anyone will do, as long as they are giving him that attention he sooooo craves.
I experienced that also. She swore she was gonna be alone after discarding me. Then 2 weeks later I saw her out on a date with her ex boyfriend. I was hurt, but wasn't surprised. I drove past her house late that night and she never came home. I knew she stayed the night with him. She can't keep her legs closed... Moral of the story...Trash attracts flies.
In the long run, you should be so lucky to be rid of the narcissist, even though being discarded is a blow to one’s ego/emotions/sense of worth.
Be thankful you got out (in whatever guise that takes), be free in body & mind and do the work to heal.
Wishing Dr. Ramani and all who are watching well this weekend
Thank you, I needed to hear this. 💝
You too. X
Dr. Ramani, the work you do is so impactful. Your delivery and real life perspective really helps make the information easier to digest. I appreciate you! Thank you!
They will definitely try to replace you (the enlightened and freed supply source) with a new victim. I pity that person from a distance, but I don’t envy them. Been there.
Even though I left him after 18 years and I knew it was the right thing to do for me and my son I felt so uneasy when he started seeing someone else. I never should have worried, his new partner dumped him after 8 weeks, he treated her appallingly, she contacted me looking for answers but I didn’t engage. I just realised that he will never change for anyone, they could be the most beautiful successful woman in the world, he will always be him.
Thanks for the videos ❤️
I think I felt this way the entire 25 years
I'm so sorry, one was bad enough, I can't imagine 25
I’ve been “replaced” and I couldn’t be more happy about it!!!! Lol give urself a change to find happiness with someone genuine. Real people are out there I promise.
The feeling of being replaced was awful but it was what made me realise I had to stop this relationship. I decided to walk away for good and go no contact. It’s been 7 months and I’m keeping my promise to myself to heal and let go of this relationship. It’s hard but your videos are helping me a lot. THANK YOU 🙏🏻
You are absolutely correct about this fear I'm experiencing. Even in my mind I totally understand I have given up my toxic narc for a better life it still hurts to know I'm being replaced. This makes me question my self worth! But it's good to know they replacing us has nothing to do with us but a lot to do with the unstable and unfaithful nature of our narcissists. They will not stop looking for new supplies and will keep replacing their partners even if they have found the most perfect person on earth! Therefore, be comforted in the fact there's nothing wrong with you! Move on to someone who will recognize the values in you.
For me... my fear is the new person will waken the good, kind thoughtful man I had glimpses of in the years I had with my partner, will be brought to the front and he will be a changed man. perhaps its failure on my part that I dread. I know I will regret then and think even more than I do now..." what if I had done this? What if i was more of that..." then he was this lovely man all along and I brought out the worst in him!
That held me back for years and kept me there along with my love for him.
Now we have gone our separate ways and I do wonder /worry/torture myself at times the
thought patterns around this.
But one thing I need to remember is how my body has felt or been since leaving. The stress of the relationship was taking its toll on my health and now half of that has disappeared.
So, surely if a relationship is good then my body wouldn't be in such a state , would it? X
I am totally with you on this one. Exactly how I feel too
Holy hell!! Your comment is exactly the reason why I left. My health was in jeopardy. If I stay...it would destroy me. If I left...it still hurts but at least I heal and move on. If it was a good relationship then why did I feel so unhealthy? My body was telling me it was gonna end badly if I stay. All I know...I made a choice to leave and save myself even though I miss her and the good times. It's sad, she moved onto new supply and making new memories, even after telling me she would remain alone. Constant LIES and contradictions.
My narc mother replaced me when I was 15 years old-she sponsored her favorite niece from another to come live with us. She showered money and praise on her and I was left to basically support myself from the time I was sixteen. She's now in her 80's and she wonders why I want nothing to do with her.
My dad replaced me with a neighbor because i wouldn't take his shit
So good to realize the difference between the ‘rejection’ and ‘replacement’- two different fears, but very important.
She had already found a replacement (replacements) before the discard! I no longer fear! I have pity!
He once told me ive gotten along with everyone until you.
Said only I brought out the "mean" in him.
Head spinners.
This thing of being replaced was horrible for years but a godsend for me in the end. My kids were grown up and I finally wanted out. The cognitive dissonance was finally making me really sick. It was hard anyway, feeling betrayed, cast-off, devalued, et al, but because he'd been seeing his now wife on the sneaks ang got caught, I got a tremendous amount of support from pretty much everyone. I was lucky there. I do feel sorry for her. She seems quite sweet, empathetic, and generally nice. He treats her the way he treated me and I can't help but be empathetic. It's not a nice place to be. There's literally nothing I can do to help her but I hope there are people in her sphere who can.
Thank you for everything you are doing to educate us about these relationships.
They're like a drug habit - one feels a mixture of craving and self disgust. Occasionally you hit the sweet spot but mostly you're just chasing.
It has been devastating to feel like you cannot even trust YOURSELF! I'm just now seeing that EVERY man ( and several friends) I've tried to love in a committed relationship has been a Narc... It all stems from my narc Mother. I'm terrified of people and now know that I'm going to have to stay away from people until I heal and get help to break MY codependency and empathic patterns, to stop being a narc magnet and repulse them hopefully!!
Same here. But I think it must be doable to heal to that point :)
I am from the Netherlands and I have left a narcissistic relationship, now for four months 💪🏽 I feel a lot of sadness about what happened to me and my familie. These videos help me enormously to gain insight into what I have been dealing with and what still bothering me! Please keep creating the content it's that good and helps (me) a lot 🙏🏻
I used to be so very afraid of being replaced. Then, when I was on my own I would self-care, exercise, diet, getting rid of toxic people, clothes, make-up, enjoying a long bath with a glass of wine, going into town and being me. I'd look and feel good and would attract admirers. Because I had the scars of emotional abuse in my head I was very wary of the signs of Narcissism. I enjoyed the flirting but had the confidence to say NO. What I realised was that I didn't have to feel afraid of my replacement. I was beautiful and decent and kind and living in my own right. This feeling gets better each day, and even though I'm alone this feeling keeps me company, until one day my equal comes along. And until then I will live my life feeling beautiful because I have a good heart. 🍒
This is exactly what I needed to listen to and have pointed out to me. I can now see how my fear of being replaced has played a part in my breaking the ‘no contact’ . I reflect back on the love bombing and feel jealous that he is giving that to another. When really I have to remember the price that comes with that love bombing and the agony of recovering after the discards. Thank you Dr Ramani!❤
I deeply wish I was replaced because I’m actually experiencing the opposite. I’m thirty two years old and my narcissistic husband is fifty two. I’ve expressed to him numerous times that I am unhappy and I want a divorce. He response to me is that I can’t abandon him because I am a good person. He doesn’t want to leave and I feel trapped, suffocated, and confused. He says we can work on our traumas and issues together but I honestly want to be free. I had an extremely traumatic childhood and I’ve been gaslighted all my life. I can’t tell the difference between what is real and what is not. I feel forever lost in this fog that I helped create.
Oh God.... Pack my bags I'm going on a guilt trip!
If you are that serious about it,stop doing what is preventing you, you will get better in time.
Your intuition is right. His feelings are his responsibility. They try to alter your reality. I have dealt with a "nice" Covert narcissist. Its manipulation. Good luck.
@Barbara Yep! Apparently, I selfishly "abandoned" my family because I woke up one day out of the clear blue and decided that I simply didn't want to be a wife or mother (my chilren were both adults by then) any longer. Ugh.
Hope you found the strength to leave. You owe him nothing.
Hi Dr Ramani, I never knew I was in a narcissistic relationship until I left him. I just thought he turned into a someone I didn't know anymore. I found out in Therapy, and all these words came out like FUTURE FAKING, hovering, etc.. I knew toward our final year that he wasn't happy. Maybe I inadvertently caught on to him and he knew it? I don't know, but I was USED enough to leave him. When I found out he rebounded and married her, I was devastated! It WAS TRUE. HE IS A NARCISSIST! Marrying someone new with MONEY was the key. I was not in fear of being replaced, it was how SOON I was replaced. 2 weeks, and married? Wow! I cried for months. I'm much better now since this was 11 years ago, but I will NEVER go thru that again. Great topic!
I did fear it and he did replace me. I'm overcoming this 1 day at a time.
Thanks for helping me to understand this. After I split up with my narc ex, even though it was my decision, I was devastated by how quickly she found someone new (before I had even moved out), and was really torn up about it. That confused the hell out of me...why was I so upset about her being with someone new when I knew we were no good together? She even called me out on it at one point and I felt incredibly guilty. At least I now understand why that was the case.
I’m SO RELIEVED to say this is one fear I don’t have!!
So jealous, this thought is destroying me. I’m jealous that you don’t have this fear 😩
@@ruthpeterson1478
My thought is “better her than me”. She’s doing me a favor!!
"as long as i bring that up i got complete control over this person" yeah this is so true, my ex kept doing this over and over and i always fell for it. whenever i bring up a topic that made me unhappy about our relationship, she pulled that card and started saying "oh if you feel that way may be we are not compatible for each other may be we should consider breaking up"(in short i wasn't allowed to say anything negative about our relationship). instead of trying to reason with me. and whenever she did that a fear would take me over and i would slowly start to comply her rules.
Last night I found myself praying he would meet someone and decide to leave.
I completely understand that! Mine has gone, but I'm hoping he'll find a new 'love' so he won't try to return.
Thank you for saving My life 🙏🙏🙏
Omg! This video is everything I was looking for! Staying in the toxic relationship just because I couldn't handle the fear of a replacement! I thought I am crazy but I get it! Based on my childhood it totally makes sense! Thank you sooooo much Dr. Ramani!🙏🙏🙏
Out of the 100s of videos I've watched this one is probably hits the nail on the head....the fear that he will treat the next one better is what gives me anxiety and I keep hoping he will change for me since I wait on him hand and foot
I don't fear of being replaced. I desire it. I long for the day she finds another Supply, and I can get far away.
I've been raised by narcissists, been stuck with narcissistic siblings, and had narcissistic friends my whole life to the point where I literally don't know how to have a healthy relationship without constantly fueling narcissists. 🆘
The good thing is: you are aware of it. That's a great start to finding out who you are, what you want and love yourself. You need to do that first, before you step into a new relationship. Or you luckily rjn into a great, loving, humble, nice kinda partner who is really good for you. But still: don't ever forget to love yourself and take time to be YOU♡
I don't know if it's karmic universe stuff happening, but all these videos are happening just as I need them. Thank you Dr. R! You have been in my for almost a year now! 💜
I am getting better at pulling the eject lever 🗽 Had one person say "Awe look at you your all alone on Independence Day "
I thought it's all in how you say it..I AM ALL ALONE ON INDEPENCE DAY✨🎇🤩🤩🤩🎇🎆🎈🎈
Narcissists don’t replace YOU, they obtain a different victim. The narc is never a “part of” the marriage/relationship. The narc is the Emperor/Owner & I was the “slave”. “Employees” are required to follow the ever changing rules, whether they make sense or not. Some “prisoners” miss being incarcerated. I prefer being alone & in control. (0 > -1) Zero is greater than a negative! 🥰
Dr. Ramani, thank you for helping me acknowledge the cycle that had me trapped. The moment I said to myself, “He’s damaging me!”, I immediately cut off contact with him. My heart feels healthier and happier since doing this. My blessings have been 10 fold since I left him. Ty. ❤️
Since I'm their youngest daughter - I doubt that very much Dr Ramani. Nobody can replace me. I'm a diamond. This is one of the many reasons I will never give myself up for anyone ie get married and have children. I can trust no one but myself in this evil planet in which the storm is worsening by the day. I would like to die.
Nobody can replace you because you're you. I love that.
So True !
Is this also about that deep hurt that you are not 'good enough' and you want to prove that you are 'worthy' of your position in a job or relationship?
Not a nice feeling if they 'replace ' you at work with somebody that is far less competent/qualified; but just one of their buddies!
But then you realize that the whole place was toxic and it is just better to go get fresh new air somewhere else.
Don't listen to others' devaluing you!
Believe in yourself and go find people who will appreciate you!
But this takes the guts to make a break !!
I believe you've nailed it on the head, I stayed longer than I should because one last do love him to the core but secondly is because fear of being replaced by someone better. I stayed too long but now I've left because I realised I need to love myself more
Joke was on him. My replacement played him for the fool he is and I'm not even jealous of her. I saw thru her day one. Have at it Sister! I hope she destroys everything he destroyed in me ten fold. Lesson still not learned. Good riddence.
I was put in a similar situation. He got caught, and I questioned him about the other person. The next day he vanished, and no closure and in a week's time, dating this other woman and going steady till date. Of course, I'm mad at both. But above that I feel sorry for myself for putting up with all the emotional and physical abuse for the past 1 year. Though I'm free now, I have not healed fully knowing that I have put my all in this relationship and I really loved him 😔
Take care Vaishnavi..
This 1000x.
Thank you so so much for this video♡
I hope you'll make more covering this particular topic.
What kills me is he moved on within 3 weeks and this relationship look so much better,healthier. Like it's not love bombing/future faking. He is gentle, affectionate in public and suddenly money is not an issue(he pays her everything, and all I wanted for was thing to be split 50/50, fairly). It's eating me inside. I can't get out of my head trying to figure out what I did wrong not to deserve love and caring...
I hope you feel better now. It looks better but it's all appearance. He treated her as bad if not worse i'm sure. Be relieved.
My ex-husband often said to me that if he wanted to have four more women, he could that same day, and that when he decided to have "una amante" (a lover) that he would and wouldn't even bother to hide it. He even told me once that he needs to "change women" every two years, that that was a pattern in his life. And I felt like I had to prove myself to him constantly. It was an exhausting five years.
A relationship with a narcissistic person is like emotionally edging for years with no real release or relief. Almost there, almost closeness, they almost get it, they almost care, they almost might leave, they almost might come back, things might almost maybe get better, they're almost possibly sorry or remorseful, almost, almost, almost, just holding out hope a little while longer... Into infinity.
So very true. That someone else might be experiencing and enjoying the love and attention is heartbreaking. Even though the love bombing/love was toxic, meagre, intermittent and conditional, the thought of losing the narcissist can be excruciating... and when they do find fresh, new supply... the loneliness, yearning and craving can be almost unbearable.
Therapy helps...to let go...grieve... and heal. There's no shame in seeking professional guidance.
I was swiftly replaced within days .....so was my replacement within a few weeks...so I hear
Dr. Ramani
You nailed the exact dialogue that went through my head for years while I was in a narcissistic relationship. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in this way of thinking. Thank you for letting me know that there is another area of my life that I have to look into healing.
Congratulations to me! I must be healing or healed! I saw the title and thought "I really DON'T give a rat's anus who he is with as long as it's not me!" First video I did not need doc!
This one hit something so deep within, I didn’t even realize it was there. The people who have or had a narcissistic parent and the impact this had on them. I don’t know what to say other than how heartbreaking it is to have that realization: you were replaceable to someone who you thought had your back and loved you truly, especially one of your parents. I’m going to need some time to process this
I am not fearing to be replaced, I am fearing maybe he`s coming back.
My ex is a narcissistic person and when he broke my heart it was very difficult because the discard part really took a lot out of me but over the years, I’ve watched a lot new “aspiring” supply all come and go and now when he tries to hoover back because we have a daughter together who’s already an adult, It’s like he’s nothing more than just someone that I used to know without the feelings anymore. Over time, I got used to seeing him act the same with each new and sudden girlfriend and you’re so right about it being a matter of time that they will be discarded too or that person sticks around but isolated from his family as he gossips about how bad that “used to be” new supply is. Needless to say, I’ve ended up later becoming friends with 3 of his exes.