The Ultimate Anti "Obligation Sex" Episode - Episode 207
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- Опубліковано 21 сер 2024
- Links to things mentioned:
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Our Great Sex Rescue Toolkit-to help talk to your pastor, small group leader, women’s ministry leader, or anybody about the issues with the obligation sex message (it’s Pay-What-You-Can):
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Our Obligation Sex Series that has run all month:
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Our 4-Step Plan to Rebuild after Obligation Sex:
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10 Questions to Ask if Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex:
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The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex-to help men especially get a more biblical, intimate view of what sex is supposed to be:
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Timestamps:
0:25 What's on the agenda today
2:30 Obligation sex overview
8:00 The '1st Corinthians 7' Passage
28:45 The body keeps the score
42:00 Will sex leave the relationship if we give up this message?
59:00 Closing notes
![АЛАУДИНОВ у Скабеевой: эти их ВСУ нас НЕ ДОГОНЯТ 😁 [Пародия]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/an0anqU4WGQ/mqdefault.jpg)
A lot of guys out there would never, ever expect this of their wives, BUT they keep them at churches that have "women's studies" and groups that platform and praise the books that do.
As I've gotten older, I've realized that there are a *lot* of popular Evangelical teachings (not to mention denominational stances) where people pick the conclusion they want and use cherry-picked Bible verses to back it up, rather than doing a broad survey of the Bible to find everything it has to say related to a subject and, taking internal and external historical contexts into account, draw their conclusions based on what best fits the available evidence. Obligation sex is a prime example, because the idea that women don't want/need sex like men do isn't even internally consistent with what Paul wrote. In I Corinthians 7, Paul tells widows and virgins that they are free to marry if they cannot control their passions, and in I Timothy 5, he advises against offering financial support to widows under the age of 60 because, in his experience, younger widows are typically overcome with passion and desire to remarry. Paul never frames this desire as a need for companionship or a husband's support; he clearly meant that women had sexual drives that they often struggled to restrain, even when they were well past menopause.
Excellent teaching! As I listened, I was reminded of the verse where the apostle peter instructs men to treat their wives with honour, lest their prayers be hindered. How often is this verse preached on? 🤔
It is very effective to have your husband in on the conversation, so that one can see what a Godly man's view is, and should be on this matter. I had never heard of emerson eggerich until on your programs (thank God!), and I come from a background where sex is never openly discussed, which I had thought was a bad thing until I heard of this emerson character. It's as though he's training women to be sex workers, except that it is to a single man. He, and the men who follow his teaching will be in for a shock on judgement day!👹
I've learned so much in the short time since I found your channel. My favorite lesson (from your daughter) is, that it is more important to ask, how should a christian behave in a marriage, rather than, what should a "christian marriage" look like. 🤯 So simple, yet so profound!
Thanks for all that you do! 🥰
Excellent point… We do always talk about what a marriage should look like, and it never occurs to us that that comes out of the idolatry of image, the “image management” that we are so obsessed with!
When I came back from my honeymoon, this happened to me. We went to the first meeting of married couples and they said that sex was obligatory, that you cannot deprive and that your body is not yours, but that it belongs to the other to be used for satisfaction. When I heard that, my Honeymoon libido disappeared and a cold feeling ran through my heart. My parents had taught me that sex was the fruit of love, to be enjoyed and fulfilled, but apparently my parents did not know the true will of God because the pastor was teaching that sex was obligatory and love did not matter. The more you submitted to the obligation, the more love you showed. Satan has distorted divine sexuality inside and outside the church. I definitely don't want my children and my unborn generation to continue believing these lies.
That's at least sweet that your parents taught you well. Hopefully that helped you recover from the toxic mindset everyone else gave you
First, I love your blouse, Sheila! Second, thank you so much for recommending Biblical Womanhood vs the Bible book. It has been life changing. My husband and I feel so free. ❤
Oh, I'm so glad! Here's the link if anyone else wants to get it: amzn.to/3tb3Z49
Thank you for your words! So healing to my spirit. It's sad that those teachings of obligation etc have created generations upon generations of weak men with no self control in that arena.
There are definitely men who believe that their comfort/pleasure matters more than their wives and that they're completely entitled to treat women however they want.
I mean men in general, evangelical or not, are socialized to believe that their comfort matters more, and women are socialized to believe that we are to make others comfortable.
I appreciate the way you’re able to just laugh and be real Shiela! I’ll never forget you spitting out your tea!
This podcast episode needs to blow up in the entire world. It is so powerful! So much wisdom and truly spirit led!
This episode, ministered to me so much and was healing.. Thank you!
I think what's beautiful about you is how amazing your biblical theology is. You somehow easily dismiss even the slightest doubts I have in my head about certain verses. I actually didn't know how to tackle the question of "well paul says not to deny each other." With the context you stated so clearly and well, it gave me a total "ahaaa!!" moment of sudden realization. I never thought about it that way. Thank you for what you do Sheila and thank you for changing my mind and giving me good information to combat harmful teachings with.
Sincerely, A man (lol)
So glad you're here, Hayden!
Isn't this podcast great?!
I always wondered what these authors’ answers are for the military.
Deployments are real, folks. My husband and I are currently separated for a 12-month “give or take” assignment. Thankfully we have eschewed the “evangelical” marriage indoctrinations so while it *sucks* to be separated, I don’t carry the anxiety that a lot of Christian wives who’ve internalized these messages do.
But seriously, these books just give Christian husbands in the military a free pass to court the prawn. 💀 (I seriously knew a guy who was convinced if he didn’t do the horizontal tango every 72 hours he’d get testicular cancer.)
Yikes, I'd never thought about the anxiety this teaching would give women who have internalized it. Thanks for sharing this perspective.
Ugh. The "testicular cancer" men. What do they think? That God designed men to be more likely to die without sex or masturbation? God isn't that stupid or heartless
23:30 I find this notion incredibly sad and I’m not even married. One of my friends told me being intimate with your husband involves working through a lot of challenges together in your life. You get to be with the one person who understands you best and knows all the stuff you’re going through, so they just should want you to be happy and to have no pressure. I don’t want a marriage where we say “Intimacy has to look one certain way in the physical expression” especially as you go through different stages of life. I think it’s more about who you get to be with and finding ways to be creative and show love to one another… that’s just my way of looking at things
Going back and listening to old episodes and 1.Sheila you are gorgeous and 2. I am always so encouraged by your marriage and how you both respect each other and care about what you say. I wonder if you would talk about how to be respectful and listening well in conversation with your spouse and what that looks like in a healthy marriage vs unhealthy marriage? Maybe you already have! Either way just love when you are both on! Much love
Go get the reading glasses. You won’t regret! 😂😂
Agreed, life changing! You can even do monovision contacts, so you only wear a contact in one eye. And you can get the kind where you only have to change them once a month!
I am sincerely asking, and don't mean to be vulgar...but if sex is merely about "physical release" for the man, why can't he just take care of his own release? What makes masturbation a sin? And even if it is (which I don't believe), seems to me when women are being used for "physical release" it's still masturbation. Can someone help me understand this?
That’s a good question. I know my husband says he feels connected, that sex is spiritual for him etc. What’s wrong is my husband can’t feel connected to me in any other way so he always wants sex. He’s not good with managing his emotions and sex is a cure all. He also smokes pot. He quit for a hot minute and went straight to alcohol. He has an addiction issue and can’t manage emotions without “something.” So the problem isn’t masturbation, because he says ALL guys do it. It’s wrong to use your wife as a masturbatory tool and I mean that literally. Feeling and being sexually intimate is different and BOTH husband and wife need to feel that connection. I love this video because both Sheila and her husband have it right. My husband is so offended by this because I asked him to watch it with me. He is so angry about it which has made it more clear to me that he is not willing to SEE that he actually treats me this way. I’m not a masturbatory tool. I am his wife! And if he feels the need to in private, he doesn’t need to announce it to me. THAT is 100% guilting and shaming me for not meeting his insatiable sexual desires. He’s not deprived of we’re having sex 3-4 times a week after 25 years of marriage.
@@deannah128 💞💞🙏
I agree. "Physical release" sounds gross and clinical, not at ALL loving or a knowing. 😢
My ex masturbated with my body....and why wouldn't he when the church is teaching this crap?! I felt used every single time and my wants and needs in the bedroom we're completely, intentionally ignored. I was told by him my needs were vanilla, boring and he refused to have sex like that, EVER. What is a woman to do then?!?? I "submitted" for 13 years, waiting for things to turn around, thinking my sacrifice (of myself) would save my husband....nope, it just kept getting worse 😢
I think masturbation can be tricky because one may get used to their own hand (or whatever they're using) and it will desensitize them from their spouses body.
But I don't think masturbation is full on SIN....but is it? I'm confused!
Seriously though, I was LEGIT going to start The Love Dare on my ex-husband the exact SAME day I discovered his emails between him & his affair partner!😢
Wow! Thank you for giving us a voice. If only my husband would be willing to understand...our marriage could have turned out differently
I can’t count the number of times in my former marriage that I faked orgasm to get the sex to stop. I thought I was the only one until I started to ask around in my friendship group and then in my other circles. I found out that many women were faking for the same reason. And by sex I mean intercourse of course, the narrowest definition of sex, not making love which is so much better, no comparison ❤
Good episode. I would love to hear Sheila's personal views on mast*rb*tion.
Restart at 48:00
I call my husband babe too and vice versa 😊
We are reading through Great Sex Rescue and we are confused about the charts. Is there a chapter that explains it? My husband argues that you cannot have more than 100% of anything. I know there was one answered that had 127% or something. It’s really making him question the research.
Have him think of it like this: think of when someone says you're six times more likely to die in a car crash if you're not wearing a seatbelt. That would mean that you have a 600% higher chance of dying in a car crash. So if the chance of it happening was 20%, and now you have a 1.27 times higher chance, it means that your chance of it happening now is 25.4%. Hope that makes sense!
@@SheilaWrayGregoire haha not one bit, but maybe he will understand it!
Do the exact statistics matter so much, as the way, they expose what we should have expected without any study. And that is that if you demand a woman to respond with love, to a man who doesn’t have enough love to protect her agency, you’re going to have problems, because love always protects!. (1 Cor13), This cognitive dissonance will result in relational chaos.