Infidelity Trauma: An Interview with a Specialist Part 1
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- Опубліковано 11 вер 2024
- Samuel interviews MJ Denis, a trauma expert, about how couples can heal from infidelity.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
It's truly amazing to me that the pain from betrayal doesn't kill a person. The pain and anguish is excruciating. What adds insult to injury is that in many cases the betrayer doesn't care and leaves for the other person, which compounds the pain.
Add young children into it. It is traumatizing.
It can lead to the death of some people
That’s because they used months if not years in the marriage or relationship taking time covertly to break it off emotionally. It was nothing but timing and waiting for “better” to come along.
They almost always want to leave but due to the affair partner being married or unavailable to take them that's why they stay
The sad thing is 99% of people watching this are the betrayed not the unfaithful. The unfaithful isn't hurting, the unfaithful already envisioned losing the partner. But there is a silver lining, it's made me a better partner for the future. The onLY way to learn is by getting burnt. I got so scorched I would NEVER cheat on anyone, in any circumstances .
I second this… ✋🏾
That's such truth for me also. The unfaithful could care less they are me me me . And their needs only we are expendable
Unfaithful watching 🙋🏽♂️
@@dakotabaker5557 unfaithful watching #2
Unfaithful watching as well
In 1997 I was 25 years old when my dad was killed in a car accident. I remember vividly walking into the ER at the hospital and realizing as soon as I locked eyes with the doctor that my dad was gone. I experienced full blown shock instantly, starting as blurred vision and immediately followed by losing consciousness. 21 years later in 2018 I was caught totally unaware by the knowledge that my partner had been sleeping with my best friend and I had the EXACT SAME RESPONSE for the second time in my life.
Sincerely sorry
Im very sorry. Same kind of betrayal happened to my younger brother. He became traumatized for years.
How did you get past this. Im a month in to finding this out and shes left me for him and I have never felt more lost in my life.
It is so insulting when the unfaithful spouse says to the betrayed, "Oh I know what you feel, but this is what I felt."
Justifying their actions and having NO CLUE about the trauma they caused within someone.
Yep.
Yes, and nobody seems to address this😞😞
My ex said I made him do it. How by believing him and giving him my life and love. . If I could make him do anything he'd be hanging in a tree now
I heard this before
@@carolhopkinson189 I hope you watched more of Samuel's solo videos. He actually addresses this quite a bit and in detail. He explains how the betrayed has a terrible habit and reflex to make it all about them and teaches the unfaithful the need for empathy and if you want to show your spouse you love them and they can trust you again, you will work hard to put them first in mutliple ways. This starts w/ listening and taking your lumps.
My wife cheated with a classmate from her past. Found out it had been going on for 9 months. It’s been 19 years and the pain still feels like it happened yesterday. The triggers are all over the place.
Homer Jones I hope that you don’t mind me asking... Do you believe that your life would have been better if you had divorced? I’m so very broken. I know that divorce is incredibly damaging to children. I believe that protecting my children is more important than my own heart. I had such faith & joy from our “Love Story”, I know that I’m mourning that loss. The loss of ‘us’ and the loss of who I was & what I truly believed that ‘we’ were. It was all a lie. I’m so shattered that I don’t believe divorce would I anyway reduce the triggers...there’s no escape from this living hell. I fear that I will feel the same in “19 years”. I’m so sorry that this was done to you 😔
Suzi unless you have experienced this, it is hard to explain the absolute devastation this causes to you emotionally and physically. She was my best friend, my soul mate. And this is something that she can never erase. I stayed for the children. I still love my wife, but the hurt is hard to escape. My wife I believe has been faithful since, but do I still wonder? Yes I do..She is really a terrific mother, but she mad a mistake. The pain for me stopped for about 10 years, then the someone she had the affair with started working for the same company I work for and we crossed paths and it was really hard to deal with. I wish you the very best in your situation. Staying is hard, but leaving her and her finding someone else would also be extremely painful. It’s catch 22..
Homer Jones I’ve been through a the exact same thing. I never realized that it caused ptsd but it really does. Knowing what I know now, my advice would be to be completely honest with her. Tell her these things. If it’s difficult to talk without anger, write it down and give it to her. I never told my mate exactly how bad they hurt me. As a result of it, I held the pain inside and later it causes serious health problems. She needs to be accountable to you every single day. Then I believe that you will be able to heal and trust her again.
Unfortunately she never really wanted to be accountable, just forgive and move on was the theme. Think that probably is why I have struggled so much. She gets really upset if it’s brought up or if I need answers, just says I’m trying to make her feel like a bad person and I should just move on and not think about it. And that is impossible. To me it seems very selfish, or maybe it does make her feel lower than low and she can’t deal with it.
Homer Jones Mine hated feeling like he is a bad person or lower than me, undeserving of a good woman. He is generally very concerned with being good, responsible, and upstanding, and to be reminded of this weak and dirty place in his history is perceived as attack on his identity and everything he is trying to build in our lives. He just wants it to go away.
I openly expressed grief over and over until he stopped being defensive and finally recently broke and gave me the response I wanted: walking with me through the distress. This has been transformational.
Wish I had this ten years ago - I was in such a terrible place after the betrayal and especially after he abandoned the family for his mistress. Truly felt like I was going crazy, and yes fell to my knees - felt my blood run cold like my heart just stopped for a moment. I will never forget the moment he confessed and later he moment he walked out. Almost 10 years later I am in a better place thank God, but still, there is a dull pain and loneliness that stays with me even though I have done so many positive things to improve my life. I pray for those here who are just recently going through this.
Same here. It was the toughest thing I've ever been through. The pain is unimaginable
Indie-Annie Jones - thank you 🕊
Agree, devastating. Everything you thought was true is gone.
Try to do EMDR if you can. It’s amazing.
Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate that tender heartedness and empathy you've developed to care about the pain of others.
I'm only new to this betrayed club. I found out just 4 days ago my wife has been having an affair for 6 months. I have lost family members to death and have been divorced once before (no affair, just didn't work out). Let me just say, the trauma and pain I am now experiencing cannot be explained and is unreal. I am a strong person and very resilient. Life has already thrown some curve balls at me and I've coped, but honestly, this is insane. It has rocked my soul beyond belief. I'm reading comments here and I am crying my eyes out. I've never contemplated ending it, I have kids and the thought of the damage it would cause them always plagued me why people do it. Monday night was D day and I did something really stupid to myself, the despair, helplessness, loneliness and pain - I get why people do it. Thankfully I'm ok and not contemplating anything now (or ever). I know people (not friends) of whom I know were cheating, I didn't like it but it wasn't any of my business. i now feel bad for not saying something to tell them how wrong this is. All I can say is if you're the unfaithfull, you really don't understand how deep and damaging this is. My roller coaster ride has just begun. Wish me luck!
Sorry for your pain I really do know how your feeling. So is she gonna stay or go?
I really hope you are now in a better place!
I am going through the same thing. Torn between what I should do.
I hope you are in a better place
I’m 7 days since D Day. How do you feel 6 months in. Need some help I’m struggling. Pain is immense
Guys- I was betrayed in 2007. Got her some help related to her childhood trauma which essentially caused the betrayal. Never got help myself although I sit in on quite a few sessions for a couple of years. BIG MISTAKE! If you have been betrayed, do yourself and your future relationships a favor and get the help that you need. If you don't think you need it, you're wrong. I thought the same thing. I tried to "get over it" and thought I was doing well, but wasn't. It's hard to see yourself. Almost 14 years later (now2021) I am finally getting help. It would've been easier 14 years ago and other people wouldn't have been hurt along the way. Please, Please, Please- I beg you- get some therapy. What- you can't afford it!?!?!?! You can't afford not to!!!! I'm not a counselor- just a person whom grew up in a life of hard knocks. I'm Praying for you all! God bless!
Thanks you for this.
But some therapists just ask you how you feel and just listen to you. I need someone to tell me I am going to ok and how to get over it.
A good therapist will WORK along side you.
When your giving, loving self finds yet another narcissistic person to betray you (using you), I agree therapy is needed. Being cheated on is about the unfaithful selfish person. I’m curious what kind of therapist helps with narcissistic abuse? LMFT family systems, trauma, or abuse? Yikes!
This is why I cant get over it after so many years. So much pain, it feels like it happened yesterday. It has to be PTSD
It is ptsd. It’s awful .
I am pretty sure I have PTSD
Honey Dubey This is true! It pops up at the strangest times. It ain’t safe. Oh my
I fell the same way...
It's real and a living nightmare. You can heal.
I’ve been getting major adrenaline dumps ever since I found out. It’s been a week and I’m exhausted. I can feel my heart beating, my face flushing. Then it subsides and I get sad and cry. I get cold and feel nauseous. I have never felt like this. 15 years with this person and I’m blindsided.
Im sorry this happened. God will sustain you.
I was in the exact same boat 2 years ago. The pain and sadness was unbearable. It never fully goes away, specially since we were blindsided. I hope you're able to get thru this brother
It's been 3.5 months for me, and that adrenaline dumping feeling persists, in a different vein now, thinking of finding them *again*, having to see her around town...
I hope you're ok.
Kevin B. Omg Im trying to overcome this feeling too.
i know the feeling man. And I feel like I know what to do about it. I know that the key is loving myself, recognizing my own mistakes, but also not blaming myself for HER actions. But it takes a lot of willpower and effort. You just have to breath and keep at it. Practice forgiveness.
This was amazing. I have been living with Infidelity induced PTSD for 13 months now and this is the first time I have heard what is happening to me in such a clear and precise way. Thank you so very much.
so kind of you to share that feedback. i'll let MJ know. thank you for watching and posting.
Mary-Anne Taylor I’m going through a angry swing right now- I bumped into her lover by accident at the gym- triggered so much right now,,,,
7demo7 I’m so sorry that you experienced that! It must be awful to still live in the same area & risk seeing him... We moved to a different continent & to be honest I don’t even know if that’s made it any easier. I can’t run from my own head!! It’s all so very cruel. I can’t imagine inflicting this agony on a stranger, let alone the person I loved & believed in so completely. Best wishes.
I’m experiencing something just like you. I really think I’m experiencing a post traumatic disorder. I need help.
Mine he was unfaithful with someone that lives very close by I see her daily. I understand myself what ur going through
I wish every high school educational system have classes to teach us our emotional well being. We focus too much on learning chemicals or math and forget that we’re humans with emotions and need to teach the next generation how to love and protect ourselves. Too many suicidal young adults and school shootings nowadays.
Colton Hughes this is a good point. I’ve thought the same thing many times. We are never prepared for something like this nor do we ever learn coping mechanisms when confronted with trauma. It would be so valuable to teach to our children.
I was listening to a podcast on this very subject. Now I teach my children everything I possibly can on handling a variety of emotions. We even role play certain scenarios and how we can best manage the situation.
I just don't understand how someone who says they love you can do something that makes you feel so worthless. I have never been in so much pain and I don't know how to deal with it. 16 years, 2 kids, and so many memories. I was always faithful, fair, open, and honest. We had that relationship everyone aspires to have. But now he has broken me in a way I can never fully heal.
Does he show remorse?
They don’t understand your pain because they are not experiencing it. It’s the worst thing that I ever experienced but I Dont think my spouse knew the pain she was giving me. It’s kinda not fair that some people never even know that pain or maybe they wouldn’t do it
I am going through the same now...Still cannot believe it
Hope that I will wake up from a nightmare
THIS VIDEO SAVED MY LIFE TODAY
so very glad.
SweetArt Bloemfontein 😭😭😭 Watching it today because I’m about to just lose it all...
Very well said.thank you so much
Agree!!
You hit that on the head! I get so pissed when he thinks he needs to “fix” me! He’s what broke me!
it's been over a year since you cheated on me and I moved out long ago. I still relive every photo I saw, every lie you told me, every night you were several hours late, every time you told me not to worry, every night your alcoholism was a decoy, all the errands, vacations and concerts I took you too while your heart was elsewhere. All the time I wasted wondering, not sleeping and delaying my own life goals. It's taking all of me to fade that part of my life with you, to remember forgiveness is the higher path. It still wakes me up at night. I loved you.
Thank you for writing that.
A friend had to leave what she said was an abusive relationship so I let her and her daughter stay in our spare room. She and my husband slept together which I was willing to forgive and work it out with my husband until I found out she was pregnant. I knew my life would be filled with constant worry since they were forever connected. My husband and I had no children together. I had to leave. I loved my husband we actually had what I thought was a good marriage. This happened in 2007 I moved home to CA we lived in KS. To this day my heart still hurts. When my husband told me she was pregnant my knees buckled and I fell to the ground and I sobbed uncontrollably. He asked several times if he could move out to CA and work things out and I said "no" He then moved her back into our house and married her. They deserve each other and they know what each is capable of.
Teresa O 😥❤️🙌🏻
My God shame on them. Despicable. I'm so sorry. You will be soooo grateful for the next man you give your heart to because he will put you and your feelings above selfishness 100% of the time. He won't take "days off".
This is the saddest betrayal story ever!!😔
I'm just going to point out the elephant in the room and call it what it is: it's abuse -- emotional, mental and physical, as defined by the traumatic devastation to the body of the betrayed. Betrayers, especially the serial ones, need to know this!!!
Amen
It’s definitely abuse especially when they show zero empathy
I’m 2 months out from finding out my wife has had a 2 year affair. My soul is crushed! I am triggered right now because I bumped into her lover at the gym by accident. I’m fighting, flighting and freezing up all at once. My thoughts -I’m so confused- married 19 years. I want to have respect for myself and leave but we have 2 beautiful young children- help!
I am going through the exact same thing as you. I found out 2 months ago 22 years wasted 20 married
@@johnathanellis9010 Me too. married for 14 years together for 16. Cheated while engaged and for over half our marriage with a couple (that I know of) people. we have two younger kids and am trying to keep it together for them. Its killing me and has defiantly traumatized me.
11 year's thrown away. With 4 kid's to coparent it's going to very difficult. I'm completely heart broken by all this and she just moves on without a care in the world.
@@johnathanellis9010 me as well. I hope you're doing better.
Wow your story is exactly mine my husband had an almost 2 year affair. We have been married 21 years. Our children are older. When I found out 2 months ago it felt like he stabbed me in the heart. We are working on our marriage it’s so hard to forgive. ☹️
What a beautiful message. I experienced all of emotions when I found out my wife of 26 years was having an affair. I'm glad I divorced her.
Can we talk about the unfaithful spouses parents not showing any care or concern towards the betrayed? Just constantly enabling and defending the unfaithful.
As a mother, if my child did this to their spouse id definitely be disappointed. But id also be fully there for the betrayed in anyway they needed. Bc i know how this feels and where it can take our minds. It’s traumatizing and heartbreaking in all aspects.
You are a wonderful erson. Exactly my fear. I want to tell his mother but what if she disappoints me like her fifty son?
THANK YOU! This so much! The first person I told was my mother in law, bc I thought that she would always love her son, but knew she was a fair person and would support me. She didnt. It was as if she was excited that he would be coming home, finally, as we live 900 miles from them. She didn’t even let me talk, she just lectured me on getting our debt in order and selling our farm animals. She didn’t explicitly talk about divorce, but she was pushing us to “get our affairs in order.” Excuse the pun. This was so incredibly hurtful. I’ve always not felt good enough for her son, but she’s always told me that she loves me as if I was her own daughter…. Now I see the true person. I’m still struggling to forgive her.
As a betrayed this was so refreshing to hear someone explain to me why I feel the way I do in such detail. However my husband didn't like this video. He felt her views were UnGodly. He critiqued it and said there was only 6 minutes of anything good in it. It made me cry and hurt me because It was very refreshing to me. He is very defensive over the 10 min late situations and I was hoping this would help him see from my lense. Instead he sounded prideful and arrogant. Now I feel hurt but grateful that at least someone out there cares to help people like me.
Wendy Matthews sounds like hubs isn’t ready to change.
I hear you Wendy. It's been 3 years since Discovery Day for me and my world is still shattered and upside down. Still with my wife, but she has no sense - seems to not even care - what she has done to me. Doesn't help that she doesn't even try to connect in any meaningful way. Just heartbroken.
very sorry Wendy. it's borderline absurd that he would take issue with someone that has her credentials and expertise. to think he has a better handle on what someone like you needs, after what he's done, reveals how blind he is to your needs and your hurt. i'm so sorry you're in the pain you're in.
Firstly, very sorry for what you have experienced. As a Christian, I don't have a problem with this scientific explanation of what happens when a spouse cheats. And recovery is going to require regret and repentance on the part of the unfaithful spouse, and also a desire to recover the marriage on the part of the betrayed spouse. The unfaithful spouse has to own it, and have some motions to go through to demonstrate renewed faithfulness. I'm not a therapist, nor a cheater, but I don't know that a secular counsel is going to have the same level of drive and purpose in restoring the marriage. I hope I'm never in the position you've been forced into.
@@c.j.9248 so why do we stay? i dont get it
I needed this...was on the brink of suicide now I feel some hope, even if he doesn't change I know I can heal and be healthy. THANKS
you're very welcome my friend. get help and get community around you. there is more to your life than just this season.
You can't control him. You can only control you and only in the present. So, be present, with yourself and understand you have so much to give and get. A great purpose is upon you to live the best life you can live.
Stay strong Tammy
Tammy Parton Same here
Tammy same here! I'm here to find hope and thankfully I'm finding it through these videos. Stay strong!
Omg ! Eye opening ! It’s been 20 years since D day for me and I literally thought I was losing my mind.
I attempted to watch this with my husband after his affair last year. He fell asleep. I knew then I'd never get through to him about what I was going through after finding out he'd been cheating. The funny thing is, prior to finding out, I asked him how we were doing in our relationship and what I could do to improve. His answer was things were going well, the sex was better and more frequent but to him it wasn't enough. So I tried to up my game, but he was lying to me all along. A year and some change later, still trying to process feeling betrayed and unsafe, he cheats on me again. He got caught and he's telling me he still wants our marriage to work. I love him and don't want a divorce, but I feel like I'm disappearing in this relationship. I know I'll regret a divorce, but I also know staying is insane.
I'm currently in the same boat unfortunately. I hope it worked out for you and your husband.
This is exactly why I will NEVER have a relationship with a man who is taken.. I don't want to harm his wife and kids, be the reason his family breaks apart. I don't want to hurt anyone whether I know them or not.
That being said, I'm going thru this as I write this and coming off of incredibly huge betrayl from my parents a few years back that caused me to torch that bridge. Yes, I have complex PTSD. My whole life has been trauma, it has to be for a reason... that's the only way I can come to terms with it. It's preparing me for helping others in some way. Love to you all ❤
I am reminded of the Robin Williams movie, "What Dreams May Come," when Chris Nielsen descends to Hell to be with his wife, then just sits with her and shares her pain. I always think, "He gets it." That's where we are, unfaithful spouses. Waiting for you to descend into our Hell and sit with us.
OrganizedGeorge That requires selflessness and love, not likely from the unfaithful partner. It takes an extraordinary cheater to reach a place of brokenness and willingness to experience pain alongside us.
How narrow minded to think an unfaithful person can't feel the pain on the same level just because they caused it doesn't mean we can't recognise and feel the hurt we've caused especially when we're faced with it every minute we look at our partner.
This comment is perfection
@@paulfear85 I'm not convinced the unfaithful can feel the same pain we feel; they weren't the ones who just had their security yanked from them and their trust destroyed, their hearts shredded. My husband didn't understand just how deeply his choice wounded me until he saw these videos. Yes, he felt awful for hurting me, he felt bad seeing me hurting, but he was never able to understand why I couldn't just move on and get over it. He couldn't understand WHY I would react certain ways with triggers.
Paulfear85, don't think we need to call names... Perhaps your view of "narrow mindedness" is their view of boundaries?
I’ve watched this video probably 15 times. It helps me understand that I am not crazy and putting words to what I am going through!
Thank you so much!
Serious trauma takes many of us to shocking places ….
wow this is so accurate. i feel like i am on a broken rollercoaster speeding up and breaking recklessly. the only thing helping me heal is when i remind myself of my spouse's immediate and continued honesty. don't get me wrong, he doesn't get an award; i am still sad about what he has done. but, the honesty is just the only thing that makes me feel he cares and wants to be true to me going forward.
the "amygdala scanning" is so spot on. in my mind, i am constantly checking, rechecking, and re-rechecking facts, statements, behaviors, ANYTHING to see if things line up, to see if i am still being deceived. 99% of the time so far, things line up and i can continue to function. unfortunately the amygdala scanning doesn't stop, it carries on. and look out when something DOESN'T line up or feels wrong! I lose it!! it could be the tiniest detail, like realizing he was texting her near my birthday or seeing he said something nice to her when he told me that, at that point, he was shutting her down. i wish i could end the constant amygdala scanning so i can relax!
I completely understand that “I won’t be okay in the world, loss of safety , “ . I had such a strong attachment to my husband of 28 years who left me suddenly.
yes this was so perfectly phrased - praying for your recovery - i was left after 15 yrs of marriage - 10 years later i am healthy, but very much alone
For me it was 33. I pray for us all.
10 yrs and three kids for me.
I’m going thru the pain of a affair from my husband , emotional affair 😞 I don’t know how I’m gonna recover from this, even though they didn’t have sex, both married and didn’t ended up together, every time I read their love letter is like a knife in my body! Jesus Christ have mercy, I pray every day for a healing, people who cheat have no freaking idea what they cause !!!
Katie, my heart goes out to you. Lack of empathy can equal narcissism
I hope that you are doing better now. I’m going through the same😔
I was manipulated by someone for years to make me believe we had the picture perfect relationship. He talked marriage and babies and a future and showered me with presents and vacations to distract from the fact he was living 2 OTHER separate lives with 2 OTHER separate long term relationships and I was completely blindsided when I discovered the truth. This video explained a lot of the feelings I had and verbalized it in ways I couldn’t. This will help my healing process, thank you
Story of mine and my 6 siblings and many step siblings life by our father to my mother and the other mothers. It's more common than we all know. I suffered greatly from this even though I was spared by time from the horrors.
This explains so much about my entire marriage and it’s downfall. In my case I experienced multiple betrayals, for years, until I finally didn’t care anymore and decided to cheat on my own with another man after a long period of depression and suicidal thoughts. I’m trying to understand where to go from here, I don’t understand how we could salvage something so broken. It’s probably best to cut ties. ☹️
hi Kayla. it may or may not be. are you seeing anyone professionally? an expert process will help you both find clarity. often times, early on in recovery it's about 'seeing' if the marriage can be saved. it will take something like our ems weekend though for sure due to the complexity and levels of trauma you seem to be facing.
I hope that you are okay!
Cheating is never the answer but I have far less animosity to the revenge cheater.
Your relationship may not be broken. Now that all the bs is stripped away you may both be vulnerable enough to put pride aside and just honestly talk with compassion. I hope everything works out for you. Sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this.
Thank you, by far the best videos yet. As a betrayed spouse everything is spot on accurate for me. Litterally broke down in tears the whole hour just hearing another person able to explain what it's like for us betrayed. Thank you both. Please keep going with more like this.
you're so welcome. so glad you found the videos and the site.
This is such a phenomenal video. The discuss is so honest and pure. I loved how you spoke to both the "betrayed" and the "faithful". Great job guys!
I will be watching this again with my husband later tonight. We just went through this two days ago when he was gone longer than he said he would be and I couldn't get hold of him on his phone. He was where he said he was but it still sent me into a tailspin. Thank you so much. I look forward to part 2. Hope it comes out soon.
Watching a lot of these videos as the betrayer. It’s gut wrenching seeing how my spouse is feeling and how unsafe she is feeling. It’s affects every single aspect of her live and I feel disgusted and horrible. I wish I never hurt that beautiful woman.
Coming from a betrayed spouse, thank you for watching! I’m praying my husband will watch and be willing to get the help needed to restore our marriage.
This was so perfect! This was a spot on description of what I have been living the past year. It's so hard for me to explain all the layers what goes on in my heart and head when my heart has been crushed so badly. I cried through this whole video in gratitude that someone finally put such precise words to my reality. I so want to hug the both of you for this video blog!! I pray we can someday get to an EMS weekend. I am so looking forward to part 2. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
so encouraging to read that Lori. thank you for watching and commenting. it will encourage MJ as well.
Lori, I felt the same exact way. It was like finally someone gets me.
wow this is me too. hope you are better now
So GOOD and spot on! However, what if the "unfaithful" could care less how I feel and turns it around on me saying "YOU ARE CRAZY" "I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO BREAK MY BALLS!" "STOP LIVING IN THE PAST!" "GET OVER IT THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU NEED HELP!"
unfortunately i would create space between you two as he is not safe, ripe for relapse and not going to help you heal.
Can totally empathize! I hate labels but he is prob a narcissist, my hubs is and says all of those words over and over, blames me, etc. Research NPD, it's enlightening but sad because more than likely they cannot be helped. They literally cannot take responsibility for their actions or have empathy...it's on a spectrum. Leslie Vernick has great videos as well under "destructive relationships". I love Affair Recovery and love everything I have heard Samuel say and MJ...what blessings! We have weak boundaries and have let them cross it too many times. A hard thing to undo in us, but it is possible, unfort not with the NPD's who were hard-wired as a child, more than likely. Best to you...blessings!
My husband would say those things at first. Then eventually he would confess when he saw how much it was bothering me, and talking to a therapist
I've heard all that Michelle x
Literally same
I agree, the unfaithful is or has already made a decision to either leave or stay and cause emence suffering and refusing to actually admit their fault thus causing more emotional stress. Some of us cannot afford the expense of a divorce much less restart my life etc
I guess I finally reached a point of looking for answers of why I am struggling after his affair and he isn’t, that I was lead to this blog. All I can say now is thank you! I have never been so confused with emotions that I truly wanted to give up on everything. At least now I don’t feel as out of control and helpless. Truly, Thank you.
I have PTSD from my ex cheating on me. He discarded me when I tried to talk with him about our relationshit. He gave me the silent treatment and refused to discuss things. I didnt find out about the cheating until 1 1/2 later. I checked his social media which confirmed it. 2yrs out and Im still traumatized and he's off with a new girlfriend playing house. He made no attempt to make an amends to me. Refused counseling or fixing things. Hes definitely an avoidant attachment style possibly a personality disorder.
I understand your pain, sadly
I just discovered my boyfriend has another woman on the side. When I approached him about her he broke up with me. If I have kept quiet he would have continued to carry on with me like nothing is wrong. How can a man show warm affection to his woman at home and carry on a secret relationship with another is such a puzzle to me! Why he doesn't just be open about liking someone new and let me go is a question I need answer for.
Good goddess! My heart goes out to people here. Look into narcissism. 💐💪🏻
i know the feeling. its so intensely distressing. but it will effect him later in life. he just hasnt realised it yet.
Molly Muzette same thing happened to me.
This lady should have her own channel. S
Oh, l was really hoping she had!! 🙁
Explaining this made so much sense to me in what I’ve been feeling. I wish he would understand this to be a better support. I cried listening to this. So spot on.
so glad it helped you. thank you for watching and commenting my friend. means so much to hear that.
Still married after my wife cheated on me in 1999. Now 2023 and i still have PTSD.
Damn bro makes me want to just end it all sometimes.. just found out about my wife 3 months ago. I don’t want to leave because of my son
I thought i was the only one that got traumatized from a infidelity i got cheated on 3 years ago and it always comes back to my mind , i only found out because someone tried sending me a picture anonymously of him cheating , i sit and wonder if there was more times or why do that to someone you “love” and if i ever bring it up he says i love to argue about old things but it just still hurts after so long ! I just want to know why he did that 😞 . The trust dies after a cheating sometimes its just best to leave because even the happiness can die
Maca Chavarria I’m so sorry you went through that. It just happened to me about a month ago. I feel like I’m never going to heal. And I feel like no one understands.
My wife just asked for a divorce after cheating on my on 3 times in 20 years.Twice with the same person. Plus she knows that my 1st wife cheated on me with one of my best friend. Where's the remorse,the empathy,the consideration etc....
Ronald Martinez I’m so sorry man. She sounds horrible for you
Ronald, check out narcissistic behavior. No answers from them
So sorry.
It is the absolute worst feeling. First you are in shock. Life just drains from you then sheer panic and you are all over the place emotionally. Whether your a man or woman betrayal os the cruelest thing anyone can do to you. Years later I am still suffering. So badly
The most messed up part is when the man is the betrayed he's just expected to suck it up and take the blame for her infidelity... smh I shouldn't have to lose my kids because you can't be faithful!!!
I can't even begin to imagine what you guys have to deal with because of the stigma of the long while it was mostly men doing the betraying, kind of like women beating the hell out of the husband...I can't even begin to imagine.
Although it is true men still commit the most infidelities, women are trying to prove they can do whatever a man can. 😒
I think the difference is the different ways men process things from the way we process things and reactions thereof.
I just know this, in my case...he was absolutely cruel, vile, & without conscience in who he used, including my SON to unwittingly aid in his tawdry affair of 2 years!
Wow all this time on top of him cheating on me multiple times, he made me feel stupid and lame for hurting so much...
He completely destroyed me
I remember being such a happy and positive girl, and now Im angry and sad all the time.
I wonder if she offers therapy?
Same 💔 I feel broken.
My current state of being
Wow this is probably the best video I have ever watched on betrayal and affairs. I feel like I get me, like I understand me a little bit more.
3 years ago, I watched all the videos, bought the classes and had a counselor. I don’t regret it at all but I wish I would have figured out to move on sooner. Stay strong if you are going through it, work on yourself, can’t stress that enough and keep moving forward. Giving you a virtual hug my friends, it sucks for a long time but don’t be afraid to feel the feels, just don’t stay there.
Absolutely helpful! This whole time I thought I was going crazy. And the best part... this can be applied to any form of pain or loss in general. Thank you so much for this. Knowledge is power.
Amen for this video. It makes so much sense of what has happened to me for the last 2 years. I almost cried listening to the video because, the way he treated me after the infidelity and the things he told me, and ending the relationship just because I am the way I am because for him I am like « this », are so painful and to the point I thought I was crazy, or I had so many mental problems and that I needed medication and oh damn. This video just explains what I have been through and still am because of his infidelity and this safety I am looking for that he never ever gave me.... so thank you so much 🙏🏼 God bless you
Everytime I start to trust him again, and feel secure in our relationship, I have horrid nightmares and wake up at 6:30 am no matter when I went to sleep, drowning in intrusive thoughts and cannot get back to sleep. When I try it just feels like sitting there with my eyes closed for hours.
Same here
This is the best description I have ever heard for why I feel the way I do for the past 3+ years! After finding out that my husband has been addicted to sex outside of marriage for over 30 years, it has caused me immense discomfort in dealing with life after the betrayal. Thank you so much for this video!
you're so welcome. so glad it helped you.
Do we still have faithful men in this world? It's tiring and exhausting
Yes, we do.
Don't automatically accuse men. My wife had an online affair. She didn't leave me but admits she still is in contact with him. Sometimes I wish she would go so I could begin to heal.
This was helpful. I think i am always wondering why 2 yrs on i am still so traumatised, still struggling on a daily basis and still unable to fully move forward. Sometimes i can see no hope at all, other days there is a glimmer of light. I feel so deeply broken and scarred that sometimes i wonder if there will ever be peace in my heart again. I am a completely different person now and i wish i wasnt X
thanks for watching and posting. i hope you'll take advantage of some of the help at affair recovery and maybe take an online course or something along those lines. you don't have to remain stuck my friend. maybe there is some EMDR work to be done with you?
shueysmissus I feel the same. I’m so sorry that this was done to you 😔 I am mourning not only the loss of ‘us’ & our ‘love story’ but also the utter loss of me! I’m shattered & lost. I HATE this!!
A commitment to God in prayer will help relieve a lot of pain.
I wrote down every single thing in my heart that was still there. What he did and how it made me feel. It took weeks. I didn't leave anything out. Read it in front of a few trusted friends. Say out loud you forgive him. It really helps! Then journal everyday with your higher power (God). You will need Him for the journey. You will heal💜
@@suzimonkey345 You worded this so well. Exactly my feelings. I suppressed all for a decade & then some truth tripped it all coming up like a volcano. My husband had an affair for 3 years. I was totally blindsided & heartbroken. On the hunt now for a therapist that specializes in Betrayal Trauma.
THANK YOU for these videos with MJ! Finally hearing WHY I think/act/react/feel how I have been these last 3 years made it easier for me to understand and help myself through moments. It feels so goodto know someone understands what is happening and can explain it so well! At the time we couldn't afford therapy, couldn't afford anything Affair Recovery offers but I watch Sam's videos (so very helpful and insightful, thank you!) and have done tons of reading on the website and elsewhere. There was recontact, continued refusal to really communicate and reconnect (not communicating and attempting to connect with me are on going problems) excuses, and finally the refusal to watch anymore videos or read anything else all the while no real healing was going on. We were lost. There is also related trauma from childhood at play, for both of us. I sobbed while watching these and had to stop them until I was through the crying and could start again. Both videos were watched repeatedly until I was able not to cry and was able to watch them and learn. Her explanations helped me understand what was happening in my moments of triggered reactions. I gave my husband an explanation of what was going to happen if he didn't watch these videos - when our son graduates high school, I'm gone. I explained that I really didn't think he understood and how what she has to say may even help him and his own reactions. He watched them. They have been instrumental in helping us move forward. We still have a lot of healing to do, but after 3 years, feeling lost and miserable, we've made a some progress.
I wonder if I will ever be over the trauma. I wonder if I will ever look at my husband the same way again. I am so depressed.
you need expert help my friend. it's more than possible. take a look at affairrecovery.com and see some of the things we do and maybe you'll find a good fit.
I would suggest you should check out narcissistic abuse it will help you good luck
Yes you will get over the trauma! But you will never look at your husband the same....but that’s ok. Because you will only grow from this, but it’s your choice. You need to choose to grow or stay depressed.
I feel the same
Im barely looking at my SO and its been 2 years .. ive noticed if i focused on myself..loose weight , hobbies , outings , gatherings... i dont care about what he thinks about me anymore..
Wow, this was AWESOME and VERY insightful. As a Betrayed, it shows me why I go through the pendulum swings where I thought I was going insane! I would like to share with my Unfaithful wife to perhaps help her understand why I have been so moody since she confessed to having multiple affairs in past. However I am stuck being unsure if I can as it may set her off and so the Abandonment worry is preventing me from doing so. It's even harder since we have not been intimate in over 10 years now, which also enhances the danger triggers over some of the most minute events. Couple that with neither of us receiving counseling, and it gets worse, but these videos, and ESPECIALLY this one has been Extremely insightful for me. Thank you SO much for posting it!!!!
As a betrayed partner this is spot on!
I really needed this today. I needed to know why I am going through this roller coaster of emotions. Thank you so much. My heart aches today.
Unfaithful really just get to sit back and laugh and say oh its not a big deal while we betrayed are traumatized to our core and hope to one day feel safe again. And they have no idea what that is like.
My partner apologised, I forgave him and then he finished with me and dated my friend ..... my worst nightmare. Childhood abandonment and failed relationships have been an ongoing theme - this video will be another tool in my armour - I am not going down without a fight !!!! I WILL find lasting happiness one day 💜💖💜 thank you posting this video. It explains so much.
MJ Denis explains the emotions soooo well........ i ve just recently found out about my husbands affair. the pain is so real and crippling , watching the 2 videos has help me understand the why it hursts.
MJ is an incredibly knowledgeable therapist. She literally saved my life. She understands betrayal trauma and is such an amazing person. MJ and Affair Recovery also played a huge role in saving my marriage in the wake of my husband’s sex addiction.
i'll let her know my friend. thank you so much for sharing that.
This was absolutely perfect. Beautiful. I feel educated on myself and now have clearity towards many moments I've experienced that I could not understand enough to put into words. This was exactly what I needed to know to now experience growth. ♥️ Thank you to those that put this video together ♥️
Wow. So many behaviours and feelings I've shamed myself for for years now make sense. Especially the rapid jumps between fight, flight and freeze. I now feel a little less shame and guilt for my anger, my sadness, my fear. Thank you so much for this video.
Hi Affair Recovery. I am a betrayed spouse that enjoys watching all of your videos for peace of mind. Learning and understanding both sides of the spectrum have helped me out a lot. I have a question that I have always wondered. If infidelity causes so much pain and trauma to a person why aren’t there any laws protecting the betrayed spouse even if they decide to stay married and also why aren’t there any laws against an affair partner if they knew they were sleeping with a married man?
TheVelvet2007 it takes 2 to tango ....
Blessed to have MJ as my therapist. Love her!
David and Sara Johnson your so lucky to have this available to you!!
This was so informative - I had no idea my reaction was caused by my biological response! I always just thought I was crazy! This is so helpful - I really want to have my betraying partner watch this so he can understand why I'm reacting the way that I am and maybe we can communicate better. Thank you so much for all of these videos, you're doing good work and changing people's lives, thank you both.
It’s such a heartbreaking feeling even years later.
I’m so broken, I take it one day at a time but I’m devastated. This is my first marriage. The first instance (that I know of) was that he made me choose between him and a lifelong friend. That was hurtful but I wasn’t about to lose my husband that I waited my whole life for. And then he admitted cheating months later and I got some strange phone calls from his mistress. Again, I wasn’t ready to lose my marriage. I realized that he loved me conditionally. I think we’re at a point where we hate each other. Why am I not good enough? This has been a 4 year relationship. We have a child together and three more from past relationships. I don’t have the energy or the will to go on.
I know how devastated you are, but you HAVE to "walk in faith not by sight" right now. Have faith this is going to pass. IT IS. 100% guaranteed. So just keep going day by day. That's all I can do. The making you choose was NOT a good sign. In future pay attention to red flags..and your response. It was controlling and the response should always be ' no' for these ultimatums.
You must stay strong, and be an example for your children to show you are worthy of much more. Do not base your worth on another persons actions. It is EXTREMELY difficult to to move forward at times, I can honesty tell you that. Work on you and no one else and listen to your inner gut, and work with that. You know deep down inside what is best for you. Other videos that could help you are by a psychotherapist Craig Kenneth. I found them tohelp me tremendously.
No woman would ever be enough to fill his void. Only God is big enough for that sinkhole! Its his problem not yours. Dont take responsibility for it. Bless.
This is so me. She clarified my trauma perfectly. Omg i didnt even understand myself until i watched this. Ugh. Im so broken
This was soooo good. It helped me understand what is physically happening to me and how my spouse needs to respond.
Omg! You have explained everything I have went through and I’m just so grateful that someone really understands what I’m going through
This has the best explanation I've ever heard. I am trying to schedule time with her. She is fantastic.
Another great video, probably one of the best with bringing in an outside party that understands the trama that betrayed go through. For myself there's more disclosures that keep on happening and it's gotten to the point of insanity.
I still find your site a great comfort knowing that you are continually trying to show aspects to the betrayed and unfaithful.
Thank you ❤️
I will never understand the unfaithfi's willingness to subject their partner to this. Are they all disordered? Do they lack empathy? How can they claim to care about their partner, yet do this to them?
it's a tough, long answer. yes, its awful. yes, it's wrong. we make stupid choices. we get selfish. we are self absorbed. but, healing can happen when both spouses choose to heal and get help. it's understandable that you're struggling to understand why we/they do what they do. this series may help you get a better understanding of why and how we justify it:
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame
RIGHT?! This is the question I cannot get past....we don't think like selfish people. It is incomprehensible to me that someone could repeatedly lie and and sneak around and then look their partner in the eye....they always know the partner will eventually find out, that they will be destroyed, they just don't care.
But, are people who cheat fundamentally wired differently than those who do not cheat? I ask not because I have never done anything wrong. But, the depth of this betrayal, the length of the lying, the sheer amount of lies, the comfort my spouse seemed to feel living this lie( she slept just fine), did her job just fine, acted normal etc. boggles the mind.
@@ronaldstark8342 SIN
Thank you for doing this video! I look forward to Part 2 or more! This has helped me realize that going through all of my different emotions literally within minutes is normal!
Cannot believe I just found this by accident! OMG! New subscriber! THANK YOU SO MUCH! ❤️✌🏼🙏🏼
I wish I had known about your organization 18 years ago. I was the betrayed . I offered my ex-husband the opportunity to repair marriage . He flatly said , “no. I already filed for divorce.” I committed 24 years for the marriage and didn’t get any resolution.
Its been about 9 days since i found out, and this video has given me so much comfort and explains so much about my (the betrayed) feelings. I feel better about myself and about reconciliation
I read Lewis Smead’s: “Forgive and Forget”, after discovery of my wife’s affair. Smeads identifies a variety of betrayals that when put together clarify the essence of betrayal psycho/bio violence on the betrayed. What’s the common pain of all betrayal? : ‘discovered’ rejection…from those we assumed loved us, had our back…from those we trusted to treat us right and fairly, to speak well of us, to entrust our deepest secrets.
"Infidelity is sometimes seen as a type of domestic violence because it can be just as demoralizing and harmful as a physical assault. Adultery or betrayal of one’s spouse has long-term consequences. Furthermore, the unfaithful spouse can be routinely and negligently choosing to risk their partner’s sexual health by potentially exposing them to sexually transmitted infections, with long-term physical consequences, e.g, giving sexually transmitted diseases such as syphilis, or HIV, affecting their physical/mental health and emotional well-being. The spouse eventually starts to feel humiliated, hurt, and helpless."
It's been 3 years and the pain and distress of it is still very intense as of it just happened yesterday. I never got any closure or healing from it though because he refused to take responsibilty for it and turned it around on me. It destroyed me.
This is a great channel for understanding the nuances of this explosive and deeply hurtful issue. My girlfriend told me yesterday that she had two sexual affairs during the formative months of our public relationship, almost two years ago, and refused to discuss the details with me. I'm confused and totally sick with pain and I'm afraid that, even though we both want to save our relationship, she won't be willing to really be open and honest about what she did.
I'm sorry for the pain you're in Jesse. there is hope my friend. you'll need help on how to navigate through it. see if she will do something like this with you: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp then maybe the weekend intensive: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend those two will give you much of what you both need to heal and move through the details and information.
@@samshealingpodcast Thanks, OI. She's a lot younger than me and she's not as good at handling her feelings as I am. Right now talking about the details is too much for her but hopefully in time she will be more willing to work on these things. She decided to confess to me before we got another lease together because she realized there might not be another opportunity for a long time and she had already held onto the guilt for so long. It was really painful for both of us. 😑
Unless she's 5 years old she's old enough to handle her behavior
Forever grateful I found this channel.
I highly recommend this 2 part series, with Samuel & MJ Denis, if you want the best understanding of the trauma betrayal inflicts. I’ve watched hundreds of videos from various sources and have never seen a better explanation of the emotional roller coaster ride the betrayed spouse suffers and how to self-soothe. If the unfaithful wants to understand what they’ve done to their spouse through betrayal, this series will help you to “get it”! Simply the best!
People so need help for betrayal. I was rejected and betrayed at 16 and ruined every relationship I was in till I committed to my wife of 28 years at 23 dated for two years then marriage. I messed up so many good relationship opportunities with great girls during those years, I used them instead of considered them for commitment.
My wife cheated on me with her pre marriage and relationship boyfriend with me for 30 years and still going. So I ended up paying for it by picking the wrong women when I did settle down and fell in love.
very sorry to hear my friend. i hope you can heal and find new life for you!
Literally felt like i was just sabotaging my relationship, this just made me feel less out of control.
Thank you I watched both videos twice cried took notes and reflected. This is my whole 29 years of marriage, not the unfaithful husband but the unsafe husband that doesn’t treat me with respect , NO is the answer to everything even before it is said . The ego is crushed the heart is in panic , I now know why I want to flee freeze and fight . Thank you
A video on relationship trauma.
There is also a betrayal of infatuation with a mutual friend that is being ignored but continuing , causing distress and trauma .
When you have to deal with a narcissist and even after the obvious affairs,cheating and neglecting he is naming you,the betrayed partner,paranoi,jelouse,insecure and crazy and is denying what it is obviously, there is a different level of pain,trauma and devastation. My ex never apologized,never admitted, he lied for plain 10 years. I left with my kids in a Woman Shelter and even today he blame me for leaving the home,to my kids. I can't tell my kids the many reasons I left because they are too young to understand. It breaks my heart when my 5 y old is blaming me for leaving his father and his home. The one mistress he introduced to the kids as being his colleague. Burns my heart
After I discovered the unfaithful behavior..he spent 8 months denying my reality...then once we split for the 7th time he finally admitted to what I knew all along. Needless to say it didn't work due to lying on top of it....it's been a year since we parted yet still feel all of the trauma from this relationship that was 2 years long.
My husband is still lying and not admitting the truth . That’s gaslighting on top of betrayal. I am at church . I’m with God . I am relying on God to get me through the ordeal. I’m going to forgive and wait for my husband to tell me the truth .
The comment section is mostly of traumstised women. Hope they heal.
It is self harming to have expectations that another person will understand our perspective...have high hopes, low expectations 💚
My husband moved me out because he did not want to deal with my pain.
Im going through the same thing..my husband hangs up on me. N dont want to talk to me
Same here ladies! It hurts like hell... I don’t know what to do
This is exactly what mine did...he said he couldn't look at me the same way because I just made him feel guilty all the time. As if it was MY fault for crying too much, because it triggered his defensiveness and guilt.
Same
I moved out on him and he cheated and betrayed me
I am so traumatized. My wife damaged me worse than any person or event in my life. After just coming back after a separation. My kids are 4 and 6 say yay! Are we a family again. Inside I am dead. I am playing possum inside. I can’t feel anything. I am happy my kids are happy. Took my ring off because the sight of it disgusts me. I do not trust her 100%. I used to have peace in this marriage. My marriage is not pure anymore. I do not know what I am coming back too. I love my wife and would have never done this to her. The guy she started an emotional relationship with. Turned physical. It was the first guy she slept with who took her virginity. He now has her virginity and ruined the special purity of our marriage. It’s my wife’s fault. She obviously will probably do this again. She blamed it on her bipolar. Caught her in many lies. She’s obviously been having this emotional affair, now physical for 7 months. I feel nothing. Just do actions mow. I can’t get out of this feeling. I don’t know how I will ever heal with her. I will try though.