One thing I've learned about dating Fearful Avoidants is that if you want to make plans with them, don't ask if they're available "sometime this week" or ask them to let you know when they're free. Don't be vague. Make plans with specific details and they will respond, even if they can't make it.
My avoidant partner and I struggled with this issue for seventeen years. I thought I could learn to set boundaries, and learn to communicate regardless of his reaction and his withdrawal but every time I did communicate my feelings I just couldn't avoid attacking him (from his point of view). He kept saying, tell me in a nicer way, if you'd just tell me in a nicer way I wouldn't get upset. I was being so careful that my meaning was often lost. He tried several counsellors and by the time each one got close to the pain in his soul he would rage and "fire" them. Eventually I had to tell him that the stress and what felt like the silent treatment to me were affecting my own health and that the only way I could stay healthy was to leave him. I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and generally feeling very lonely. In the end, my blood pressure ended up sky high and my doctor was alarmed at what "I was putting myself through". Walking away was the hardest thing I ever did, but he just refused to meet me half way. It was very sad, because he was a wonderful, but very stubborn (and I think scared) man.
The fact that you even had an avoidant who was WILLING to go to a counsellor and the fit of rage that he’d fly into when getting close to the pain, for me just echo’s even louder the silent pain all the other avoidants who refuse to go to therapy must be holding. I pray for their healing and relief. It must be so much weight. Also respect to you for trying your best and finally choosing to make the healthy choice. That takes strength. Wishing you peace and many loving joyous years to come.
I’m sorry to hear that. I can relate. My ex broke up with me, but I think it was for the best because he was causing me so much anxiety and panic attacks. like you, my blood pressure sky racketed and I tried. I had my flaws, but I tried to understand him, but he would hold things in and never compramised . towards the end, he blamed me for seeming distant, but he pushd me away so I gave him his space. He was a wonderful man, but a terrible lover. hope that he treats who ever he is with now better cuz my ex scared me emotionally and that I don’t wish for anyone
I have the same problem of shutting down. I chose to work on this part of myself because I want the other person to feel safe more than I want to cling onto my past coping mechanisms. Love is the leverage to change ourselves for the better if we allow it to do so.
That's such a beautiful perspective! It takes a lot of strength to work on ourselves and prioritize the well-being of others. Keep up the amazing work!
It is sad when you care for someone and have to force yourself to accept that they are not ready and it’s contributing to an unhealthy dynamic. What’s been helpful for me is introspection. If I am trying to force someone to be ready for what they are communicating and showing that they are not then I might not be as ready as I believe I am either. Everyone needs love but ppl shouldn’t be treated as “projects” or “puzzles” to dissect or piece together. We all begin to step into our true, free selves when we are “ready”. I now understand that I would want someone to show up for me and step into discomfort of vulnerability because they are ready and willing and a potential partner would deserve the same willingness from me. Thank you for these messages.
I just got out of a relationship with an ex that refused to tell me what was going on and just kept stepping away. I would go from hearing lovey-dovey sweet stuff to not hearing from him from 1 to 2 to 3 days in a row. I was starting to become emotional heartbreak for me so I had to cut it off. 😊 It's literally the best thing I could do for myself because I couldn't keep putting myself through that emotional turmoil. Never knowing when that person would be showing the happy side and not opening up about their feelings. Thank you Brianna for this tonight I really think I needed to hear this.🙏🏻
@@thespiritualrealist-ki2416 I'm really sorry that you're going through that. That's so awful! 😔. You deserve better. Just remember this is a reflection of them, not you
@@StarLightVenus thank you. I'm definitely learning this the hard way. The last day we spent together, I never thought we'd experience that kind of love together. I keep looping in my mind how one can go from that to nothing. Felt like we were finally solid. But that's not love and that's not what I'm desiring. He definitely showed me what I want and now I have to accept it won't be with him.
@@thespiritualrealist-ki2416 yes it's better to move on because you're not going to be satisfied or fulfilled because you might be craving that person something awful. It's hard because that person is avoidant and they might care about you in their own way. But if people really want to be with us they're going to work on their own shit, go to therapy and own their shit . Not too many people are willing to do that.
@@StarLightVenus he's been my best friend, lover and confidant for nearly 2 years. There's not a thing ever that we couldn't do together. To taste this level of love and come to accept it not going anywhere has broken a part of me I never knew existed while opening up a yearning I didn't have. I didn't want a relationship. I wanted him 😭
6:04 “your discomfort […] you not feeling connected to me *is an acceptable cost* for protecting myself BECAUSE I AM TOO AFRAID OF OPENING UP OR FEELING MY FEELINGS“ Goddamn this is exactly what I needed to hear. They know exactly what they’re doing, and they‘d rather hurt us than taking that leap of faith into the unknown and processing their trauma and truly feeling their emotions, looking into their true selves. I can’t understand how egocentric some avoidants can be. And then they make us the problem for having normal relationship needs. I‘m never dating an avoidant again
Extraordinary explanation of reactionary accomodation and reactionary defensiveness via gross avoidance . As Brianna says, the only way to know if the relationship is viable is to *not* be reactionarily accommodating and to honor our own feelings and needs and see if the other person is willing to work on themselves so as not to put themselves first by abandoning the partner nonchalantly. What she also says regarding the fact that him being the adult child of an alcoholic or an ACA, or possibly both of them being in that category, she says that he has no experience with being vulnerable and seeing the relational *benefits* of handling his feelings in partnership with someone else in a safe space. That is exactly why attending groups such as adult children of alcoholics And dysfunctional families (ACA) conceive relationships because people can make themselves vulnerable to others who are also on the journey to Healing and they can be rewarded meeting after meeting with being accepted in their vulnerability
You are so right about the “I feel abandoned statement” I use words like that and don’t realize it, and I am afraid that says something negative about myself internally
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It takes courage to be introspective and acknowledge areas where we can adopt new perspectives. I wouldn’t describe it as negative, but that there’s a part of you seeking connection and struggling to communicate that. Now you have some awareness around how to get that connection need met. Keep up the self-reflection and growth!
I raised my concern. He ran. I don't raise my concern. He is grumpy and hurt. Two years of on and off from very something very beautiful to killing toxicity. I learned all the way to communicate with him properly. He still choose to push me away. I am done..🤷♀Yeah it's right we are just not on a same page.. The energy is not matching...
It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into trying to communicate with him and work through the ups and downs. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just don't work out. Remember to take care of yourself and surround yourself with positive energy.
If your partner is aware that their behavior is harmful to you, yet they insist on continuing to behave that way because it serves them, RUN!!! They aren't Worth the Effort.
It's vital to recognize when a partner's behavior is harmful and they show no intention of changing. Self-awareness without action is not enough. Your well-being and emotional health are paramount. If they prioritize their own needs over your harm, that's a clear sign to reevaluate your boundaries and the relationship. Remember, a partnership should uplift and support both individuals. Your efforts and energy are precious; invest them where they are valued and reciprocated. Stay strong and trust your instincts. 💪🌟
Does the dismissive avoidant partner ever show emotion or cry in front of their partners?? And when they do, what does it mean and how should we react? Mine has cried twice and both times I just kinda froze and didn’t know what to say or do 🤷🏻♀️
When a dismissive-avoidant partner shows emotion, like crying, it's a rare and vulnerable moment. It often means they trust you enough to let their guard down. In these moments, the best thing you can do is to provide a safe, non-judgmental space. Just being present and supportive, letting them know it's okay to express their feelings, can make a significant difference. Remember, it's about creating comfort and understanding. There are more specific phrases in this video clip: ua-cam.com/users/shortszvehMaqb3sU?si=UsRpFq-Ujb2UY-W_
I have to say, as an Avoidant from childhood attachment wounds, saying "your feelings are a gift to me" in the video thumbnail made me cringe so hard. I have been in relationships with a few anxious types and the huge size of their feelings and anxieties and the emotional labor of being their soothing person every day caused me to feel completely overwhelmed and like I was burying my own needs for months. I broke up with them when I didn't have the energy to manage their emotions anymore and was sick of suppressing my own. As a child, I was already forced to live as a "Golden Boy" fake version of myself with no feelings for my parent's public persona and I had no other value as a person. I'm exhausted of being dehumanized and my feelings minimized by people who demand I perform for them.
One thing I've learned about dating Fearful Avoidants is that if you want to make plans with them, don't ask if they're available "sometime this week" or ask them to let you know when they're free. Don't be vague. Make plans with specific details and they will respond, even if they can't make it.
My avoidant partner and I struggled with this issue for seventeen years. I thought I could learn to set boundaries, and learn to communicate regardless of his reaction and his withdrawal but every time I did communicate my feelings I just couldn't avoid attacking him (from his point of view). He kept saying, tell me in a nicer way, if you'd just tell me in a nicer way I wouldn't get upset. I was being so careful that my meaning was often lost. He tried several counsellors and by the time each one got close to the pain in his soul he would rage and "fire" them. Eventually I had to tell him that the stress and what felt like the silent treatment to me were affecting my own health and that the only way I could stay healthy was to leave him. I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and generally feeling very lonely. In the end, my blood pressure ended up sky high and my doctor was alarmed at what "I was putting myself through". Walking away was the hardest thing I ever did, but he just refused to meet me half way. It was very sad, because he was a wonderful, but very stubborn (and I think scared) man.
Thank you for your post
💔 that broke me heart
The fact that you even had an avoidant who was WILLING to go to a counsellor and the fit of rage that he’d fly into when getting close to the pain, for me just echo’s even louder the silent pain all the other avoidants who refuse to go to therapy must be holding. I pray for their healing and relief. It must be so much weight.
Also respect to you for trying your best and finally choosing to make the healthy choice. That takes strength. Wishing you peace and many loving joyous years to come.
I’m sorry to hear that. I can relate. My ex broke up with me, but I think it was for the best because he was causing me so much anxiety and panic attacks. like you, my blood pressure sky racketed and I tried. I had my flaws, but I tried to understand him, but he would hold things in and never compramised . towards the end, he blamed me for seeming distant, but he pushd me away so I gave him his space. He was a wonderful man, but a terrible lover. hope that he treats who ever he is with now better cuz my ex scared me emotionally and that I don’t wish for anyone
❤
I have the same problem of shutting down. I chose to work on this part of myself because I want the other person to feel safe more than I want to cling onto my past coping mechanisms. Love is the leverage to change ourselves for the better if we allow it to do so.
This is fantastic!
That's such a beautiful perspective! It takes a lot of strength to work on ourselves and prioritize the well-being of others. Keep up the amazing work!
It is sad when you care for someone and have to force yourself to accept that they are not ready and it’s contributing to an unhealthy dynamic. What’s been helpful for me is introspection. If I am trying to force someone to be ready for what they are communicating and showing that they are not then I might not be as ready as I believe I am either. Everyone needs love but ppl shouldn’t be treated as “projects” or “puzzles” to dissect or piece together. We all begin to step into our true, free selves when we are “ready”. I now understand that I would want someone to show up for me and step into discomfort of vulnerability because they are ready and willing and a potential partner would deserve the same willingness from me. Thank you for these messages.
I just got out of a relationship with an ex that refused to tell me what was going on and just kept stepping away. I would go from hearing lovey-dovey sweet stuff to not hearing from him from 1 to 2 to 3 days in a row. I was starting to become emotional heartbreak for me so I had to cut it off. 😊 It's literally the best thing I could do for myself because I couldn't keep putting myself through that emotional turmoil. Never knowing when that person would be showing the happy side and not opening up about their feelings. Thank you Brianna for this tonight I really think I needed to hear this.🙏🏻
2-3 days..? Those times were easy. I''m at 2-3 weeks and struggling hard!
@@thespiritualrealist-ki2416 I'm really sorry that you're going through that. That's so awful! 😔. You deserve better. Just remember this is a reflection of them, not you
@@StarLightVenus thank you. I'm definitely learning this the hard way. The last day we spent together, I never thought we'd experience that kind of love together. I keep looping in my mind how one can go from that to nothing. Felt like we were finally solid. But that's not love and that's not what I'm desiring. He definitely showed me what I want and now I have to accept it won't be with him.
@@thespiritualrealist-ki2416 yes it's better to move on because you're not going to be satisfied or fulfilled because you might be craving that person something awful. It's hard because that person is avoidant and they might care about you in their own way. But if people really want to be with us they're going to work on their own shit, go to therapy and own their shit . Not too many people are willing to do that.
@@StarLightVenus he's been my best friend, lover and confidant for nearly 2 years. There's not a thing ever that we couldn't do together. To taste this level of love and come to accept it not going anywhere has broken a part of me I never knew existed while opening up a yearning I didn't have. I didn't want a relationship. I wanted him 😭
6:04 “your discomfort […] you not feeling connected to me *is an acceptable cost* for protecting myself BECAUSE I AM TOO AFRAID OF OPENING UP OR FEELING MY FEELINGS“
Goddamn this is exactly what I needed to hear. They know exactly what they’re doing, and they‘d rather hurt us than taking that leap of faith into the unknown and processing their trauma and truly feeling their emotions, looking into their true selves. I can’t understand how egocentric some avoidants can be. And then they make us the problem for having normal relationship needs. I‘m never dating an avoidant again
Extraordinary explanation of reactionary accomodation and reactionary defensiveness via gross avoidance .
As Brianna says, the only way to know if the relationship is viable is to *not* be reactionarily accommodating and to honor our own feelings and needs and see if the other person is willing to work on themselves so as not to put themselves first by abandoning the partner nonchalantly.
What she also says regarding the fact that him being the adult child of an alcoholic or an ACA, or possibly both of them being in that category, she says that he has no experience with being vulnerable and seeing the relational *benefits* of handling his feelings in partnership with someone else in a safe space. That is exactly why attending groups such as adult children of alcoholics And dysfunctional families (ACA) conceive relationships because people can make themselves vulnerable to others who are also on the journey to Healing and they can be rewarded meeting after meeting with being accepted in their vulnerability
You are so right about the “I feel abandoned statement” I use words like that and don’t realize it, and I am afraid that says something negative about myself internally
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It takes courage to be introspective and acknowledge areas where we can adopt new perspectives. I wouldn’t describe it as negative, but that there’s a part of you seeking connection and struggling to communicate that. Now you have some awareness around how to get that connection need met. Keep up the self-reflection and growth!
I raised my concern. He ran. I don't raise my concern. He is grumpy and hurt. Two years of on and off from very something very beautiful to killing toxicity. I learned all the way to communicate with him properly. He still choose to push me away. I am done..🤷♀Yeah it's right we are just not on a same page.. The energy is not matching...
It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into trying to communicate with him and work through the ups and downs. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just don't work out. Remember to take care of yourself and surround yourself with positive energy.
Show up fully! 💖
Always! Thanks for watching.
Thank you for this. It does help ❤
I’m glad you found the video helpful! Thank you for watching.
If your partner is aware that their behavior is harmful to you, yet they insist on continuing to behave that way because it serves them, RUN!!!
They aren't Worth the Effort.
It's vital to recognize when a partner's behavior is harmful and they show no intention of changing. Self-awareness without action is not enough. Your well-being and emotional health are paramount. If they prioritize their own needs over your harm, that's a clear sign to reevaluate your boundaries and the relationship. Remember, a partnership should uplift and support both individuals. Your efforts and energy are precious; invest them where they are valued and reciprocated. Stay strong and trust your instincts. 💪🌟
Does the dismissive avoidant partner ever show emotion or cry in front of their partners?? And when they do, what does it mean and how should we react?
Mine has cried twice and both times I just kinda froze and didn’t know what to say or do 🤷🏻♀️
When a dismissive-avoidant partner shows emotion, like crying, it's a rare and vulnerable moment. It often means they trust you enough to let their guard down. In these moments, the best thing you can do is to provide a safe, non-judgmental space. Just being present and supportive, letting them know it's okay to express their feelings, can make a significant difference. Remember, it's about creating comfort and understanding. There are more specific phrases in this video clip: ua-cam.com/users/shortszvehMaqb3sU?si=UsRpFq-Ujb2UY-W_
Excellent advice ! I shall give it a go … 😊
I have to say, as an Avoidant from childhood attachment wounds, saying "your feelings are a gift to me" in the video thumbnail made me cringe so hard.
I have been in relationships with a few anxious types and the huge size of their feelings and anxieties and the emotional labor of being their soothing person every day caused me to feel completely overwhelmed and like I was burying my own needs for months. I broke up with them when I didn't have the energy to manage their emotions anymore and was sick of suppressing my own.
As a child, I was already forced to live as a "Golden Boy" fake version of myself with no feelings for my parent's public persona and I had no other value as a person. I'm exhausted of being dehumanized and my feelings minimized by people who demand I perform for them.