HOW AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT SABOTAGES INTIMACY
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- Опубліковано 30 тра 2024
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This video is from a new series about healing our childhood and relationships called "Healing Love," and describes how those with Avoidant Attachment may feel vulnerable and engage in "deactivating strategies," in unconscious efforts to minimize intimacy and vulnerability.
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2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
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Thank you so very much - I truly and sincerely appreciate you, and the time and thoughts you share here:)
To love an avoidant who is not working on themselves is like trying to fill the grand canyon using an eye dropper.
As one who is immersed in that situation, I applaude your analogy as simply perfect and perfectly simple. I might add the warning, not to you, but to the uninitiated, that one day such lovers will assuradly find themselves on the edge of that canyon, feeling that they are only worthy of jumping off the edge; while your loved one gazes on, saying "See...... I knew you couldn't really love me !"
@@willshunting may God bless you.
Even fill it with a 747.
@@jesse75 How about an A380
Spot on its fucking misery plain and simple.
The worst thing about being avoidant is that you’re kind of avoiding yourself in the first place.. I feel completely disconnected from who I am and what I want. I have no idea on how to reconnect
you should find good therapist
Same here. I’m going to try therapy again and pray to god it’s a good one.
Somatic therapies that help you tolerate feelings in your body, such as yoga, Emotional tapping, or EMDR have shown success in releasing trauma from the body and psyche.
Go to therapy and then pick up the habits of books
Same. I have a hard time identifying how I feel. It often takes a long time before feelings hit me.
The core of the trauma is: I am not lovable, I don‘t deserve love (parents rejected the babys need for connection). This has many layer around it as a protection strategy (like critizising their partner to avoid them and to also avoid themselves = avoid and reject their own need for love and connection. Its actually self abandonment).
This is so me. I have the most loving, patient bf for the first time in my life and every day I have to work on not ruining it. So much unlearning and reparenting to do!
I’m married to one who does this (22 years) and I’m a teacher by nature and very patient. Unfortunately it has come at an emotional cost for me. Our children are now almost all graduated and out of the house. With that said I’ve been ready to leave for over a decade. I’ve never seen, read, or heard of someone describing said person as a self-abandoner. I appreciate your comment as it resonates and is helping me realize even more that my healing has nothing t do with him. He gave up on himself so I could never get him to bother.
Nobody deserves love.
Love is a sacrificial gift that people decide to give and receive.
If I deserved love, I could demand you love me like a worker demands his wages from an employer after a hard day's work.
@@mikyl-fo8rh that makes no sense. A mother feeds her baby at birth out of love. Same as the animal kingdom..bonds are formed. Its a given that love exists there. Then you have abandonment that can occur around that , but that's a different story. You miss what it means to be human or a sentient being with your ideas about love .
I dealt with this for five months with a lover. I had infinite patience and compassion to the point I had none of my needs met while I was promised this person would make time and stop breadcrumming me in the rare times I would ask if they had abandonment issues (yes) or voice any sort of needs myself. Everything was about them from the get go. I wasn't sure if it was narcissism or not until I saw they fit avoidant attachment to a T. Finally after promises unfilled and me getting nothing but crumbs, I ended up having to block them to break the cycle for myself. Now I know the red flags and personally don't think people who are present for intimacy should be involved with folks like this. It's very harmful to those of us who are in a place to give...but also deserve to receive. You will wait forever for someone who is never going to be truly present no matter how deeply you talk to them or try and understand them. It's toxic. I feel sorry for people who have this version of attachment and hope they put in the scary work needed to get to a place where they can attach to intimacy. Without them seeking therapy however it seems impossible. I know I will never go down this road again. For me it was an epic waste of emotion and pain believing I was connecting with someone who constantly needed more time and who was never going to be present.
oh how i feel you. i waited 1.5 years, i was/am in love with him, everything mentioned in this video i saw in him, finally a few weeks ago, after he said something to me, i decided to block him on everything. it hurts. i feel so bad for him. i wish i could help in some way. but i dont know. 😔
im 3 years into a mess like this. horrible pain. i have tried endlessly to break the cycle but my heart wont let him go. im totally in love and hes completely absent.
@@kellarenna Honestly, I am not going to say you don't end up missing the person, but truthfully you miss the potential of who they could have been, not really who they are as they give us so little. I had to block mine. Cold turkey. Like giving up an addiction. I'm now back out there dating and saw two different people this week. They are better communicators than this person ever was. I do think anxious attachment folks are the ones who often get attached to avoidants. It won't ever take you to the place you want or deserve. While I hope my ex lover is well, the toxicity of all I was deprived and all the mixed messages caused me so much confusion , and ultimately I realized I was worth so much more. These are not healthy people. I wish they weren't fractured or injured inside but it's also unhealthy to keep pursuing them when we know we deserve more.
I'm avoidant style and one of my ex's was a mix of avoidant and fearful avoidant and good lord she never could keep her word. She also gave me quiet BPD vibes too I suppose. When we broke up officially, not that there was much to break up she would get really clingy and then disapear eve more so after making promises. Totally fucked with my head, I always seem able to pull some absolutely gorgeous and really interesting women but they always seem to have attachment issues.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I broke up with a girl 3 times for this reason, each time she came back promising it would be different. Each time I was patient, and each time nothing changed
This resonates so deeply for me. Grew up in a Caribbean culture where it’s ok to actually threaten children with a beating when they cry and barely telling them I love you…if at all.
Being this type makes me want to be single all the time. It’s more peaceful and predictable for me.
I’m African American and this was my life! Being shamed for showing emotion too.
Love to you both family❤️
I highly suggest therapy....we deserve love, but sometimes we need to move things out the way..so it can thrive..with or without a current partner, I know I'm grabbing for my healing
I am avoidant attachment due to neglect and abuse. However I’m hyper aware of it and learned to listen to my partners concerns. I have my flaws though and need space at least once a week. Which I ask my partner to have a day with their friends or I will go out for an hour or two to a cafe and it’s worked out decently.
@@bluehorizons8913 wish my DA ex girlfriend was like you 😢
@@dannywholuv if there is DA then there is no relationship there. So i am sceptical about that comment. Either person isn't DA either it will not last. As you could hear in a videos related to this topic, it is not like you are only having traits of one or another...you have all of them but one is more present than others and this changes with time and situations, but DA does not form a standard relationship.
Wow. I thought I was only anxious and now I realize Im totally avoidant. I need therapy.
Good luck in therapy. You're amazing for putting in the effort
You might be Fearful avoidant like me, a mix of anxious and avoidant
Same
It's unfortunate for someone to be so disconnected from themselves. They had put up many defenses to wall off the trauma they had endured. Unfortunately, the true self had to be walled off. So, they a live a life of quiet desperation. How sad!
That's It. A life of quiet desperation :(
Poetic.
I’m so ashamed this is me 😢
Repression of childhood reality which is replaced with idealized version. Flaw finding In others. They magnify others minor flaws and say they don't need others. Afraid of vulnerability.
That is sosososo accurate
They call you needy because they're afraid to be needy
There is a distance in which everyone gets along. Avoidant people stay away but they want to be close. That kills a relationship with someone who wants to be close. No one can have a cake and eat it too.
In some cases, it’s paternal, not maternal. Mom is silent on the abuse, dad (aka just another child) is never called out and is allowed to be a tyrant.
1) they say I’m not ready to commit even if they have been with you for years
2) They focus on imperfections of their partner
3) They long for the ex that got away
4) They flirt with others
5) They don’t say I love you
6) They pull away when things are going well
7) They form with an impossible future
8) They check out mentally
9) Keep secretes and leave things foggy
yes and yes! thanks
10) they introduce you as their wife but won't marry you bc they don't believe in marriage
11) they say y're too emotional so all the issues are your fault
12) they sometimes won't speak to you for days
13) they promise to change when you finally leave
@@human-ft3wk I'm sure there's overlap but the essence is all-pervading detachment, whereas narcissists blow hot & cold.
@@human-ft3wk avoiding it without one step narcissist
My ex girlfriend did all of these. I finally after 16 months of a situationship i confronted her about the behaviour and she dumped me on the spot for analysing her 😑
Avoid a dismissive avoidant at all cost if they are not willing to find a path to secure attachment.
they are narcs
The problem of such partners is that you feel lonely while having a partner. So it kills the purpose of having a partner.
@@josepablolunasanchez1283 yeap. but you can run after them whole life
@@josepablolunasanchez1283 and every woman will behave avoidant if you will love her and need her.
@ When "I love you" means "make me happy" there is a good reason to run.
Love is not passion. People kill for passion. Love is not an emotion. Else, eternal love would last 6 months. Love is a decision. Two people who are already happy and could walk separate ways, decide to stay together because they are happier that way.
It is not about mental games, drama. Drama is for teenagers. Adults fix things talking.
I really hated the stage when I tried to find a partner. I am not an "interesting" person and never tried to be. People look for shiny mirrors, but I was looking for a diamond, and diamonds usually look like coal.
I can draw very sexy gorgeous women as an artist. But for a relationship I was looking for a heart of gold, and fortunatley I found her. Took a lot of time.
When I started a relationship I did my best to make it work, but I also understood that I must respect if partner believes it is not working or that I am not the best fit for my partner. Everyone has the right to have a life plan. It also means that a relation that ends, is a ship that departed. Going back to a relation that did not work, will not make it work.
I do not need to prove my masculinity to anyone, I am not looking for validation or a replacement for mom, I do not like the toilet biodiversity of people with high body count. I am not addicted to dopamine of hookup culture. So basically I like a simple life and stay out of trouble.
It took time but eventually I found her. It is not something you search for. It just arrives in due time. And we married and built the relationship (relations are built, like a house) and she is the best person to age together. She has a heart of gold and she is a loving wife.
I would advise to make a list of the ideal person, no restrictions. What you want and what you do not want. Check yourself against that list and you will be surpriised to find areas of improvement. People know others who are similar, so to seek for an ideal person, you need to be close to ideal. I did that, improved myself, and life decided to send my wife. If life does not, you will still have very valuable people around you.
Being with someone (for years!) who is not only extremely introverted, socially anxious, and shy,
but who is also conflict/resolution avoidant, intimacy avoidant, super-under-sharing, mentally detached, emotionally unavailable, and generally “flat”,
the knowledge of their childhood trauma and neglect becomes all the more heartbreaking.
Though I do love what little closeness we share (which only feels “real” when we’re sexual),
I crave more soulful and thoughtful conversations of sincerity and authenticity. The craving is a real burden.
if you love this person unconditionally, then you have to accept that they may never change.
All you can do is express your feelings to them and let them respond.
Also, you might ask yourself why you'd want a partner that cannot meet your needs.
I hope everything works out for the best ❤
I hold out my highest hope and prayer all works out for all of our best as well.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply!
😔
🙏
Jeff, time to move on, don’t waste your life
The sex will go at some point and then there’s nothing. Much love but I’m a destroyed man because she brings everything down to her level which makes no one happy. Avoiding life is a horrible feeling and wasteful
Avoid these people if they are not willing to go to therapy. Not only willing but actively participating. My partner (7 years together, 3 engaged) not only avoided therapy, our wedding, but also our friends, family, anything that was not connected to his comfy chair and PC. All emotions were considered as big problem and any discussion was my fault and me overreacting. People were the problem, never him xd So glad we broke up. I would end up like my 30+ year old sister with a similar guy - situationship, days without one messeage, without wedding and children, drama all the time. Destroyed and lonely. Now I cherish men who are happy to discuss any issue and find joy in time spent together. He is still alone and grumpy about world and relationships. Poor guy.
This is no joke. I once saw a family on a beach. The guy was probably heavily addicted to games. While his wife and daughter were bathing he sat on a bench staring at his phone for an extremely long time. Finally the wife got very annoyed and threatened him with her and her daughter just returning home without him. That had no effect whatsoever. His family left and he was sitting on a beach for about 30 minutes, completely alone, playing some game on his phone. You don't want a husband who is like that. Can you imagine how traumatic this whole situation was for his young daughter?
Let me ask you as a guy who has been able to marry as an avoidant and mine was dealing with my own internal crisis with my job, my life, my issues and it did sabotage my relationship thru my stress even though I really put forth my effort to battle through it then would you get back together if I’m actually seeing 2 therapists, reading self help books, and going to the gym and actually happy and living a better life even only a month after the separation from the marriage?
@@jasonfernandez6372 “even after a month” you ask? Hell no! Let’s be realistic 👉it took longer than a month for you to get the way u are👉it’s going to take a lot longer than a month to unfk urself! Be Real or Kick Rocks bc u should be ashamed of yourself to want to be w in romantic and or close relationships w others knowing u hurt people u fix urself!
@@jasonfernandez6372 I wouldn't say it's guaranteed, but there's no harm in trying to be open with your wife/ ex-wife and explaining what you've learned and how you've changed. And more than that, you should show her. I wish you luck if a reconnection is what you're hoping for~
Well that sounds like someone with narcissistic traits AND DA in one
I think I just came to the realization of how/why I’ve attracted so many partners who fit the narcissist and NPD types because I have the avoidant personality type. I don’t require much physical or emotional intimacy even though I yearn for its I can’t communicate it nor can I let it in. I asked myself recently why don’t I believe someone does or can love me and why the more that they attempt to show me it freaks me out. Even as I type this my chest is swollen with anxiety, head pounding, body feels like it wants to explode yet I can’t even communicate it. It’s literally like a person is trapped inside. So much is making sense in this moment. Even when I was younger I would dream of my mouth being stuck, something sticky and thick that I couldn’t talk. For years I had these dreams. Sheesh.
Wow, this is a really profound comment. Good for you for being able to share this because I know how hard it is to be vulnerable by being yourself.
I was attracted to your comment as I have had similar realizations. It's like I've learned to make myself as small and insignificant as possible with little to no needs, which (as you stated) works quite nicely for narcissistic personalities.
It makes it easy for them because you are "low maintenance" and essentially do the work for them. They just exacerbate your shame and you end up beating yourself up. They don't have to do much work at all and they like it that way.
It's tough to get to a point where you feel deserving of better treatment and raise your expectations.
I realized that I picked partners I thought that I could change because I was subconsciously hoping for that change to occur with my relationship with my mother.
Once I finally let go of needing my mother to change and just accepting that she won't ever change, I let go of partners who would hurt me.
That realization helped me a lot because I won't tolerate anyone hurting me anymore. Or anyone who lacks empathy. If someone doesn't care about how they affect me, then I walk away immediately.
Also, I have had dreams like yours too. Where I would have a huge wad of bubblegum in my mouth and I couldn't get it out. I woke up with drool all over my pillow 🫣
I relate so much the chest feeling swollen/someoen needing to burst out it literally pushes tears to my eyes thru my throat
Samesies
I think avoidant types should be avoided....it's really difficult for these types to make meaningful relationships
i avoid people who avoid avoidants
@@mikelisteral7863that sounds like a good thing...
I want intimacy and love, but my mind and body betray me when I finally decide to take chances. It's like I'm on a continuous Vegas'style losing streak.....that has lasted 32 years.
You simplified this attachment issue down to 'dating'. Its not attaching yourself to anything. Not just partners. Not settling at jobs, always moving on, even people you work with and those superfical work relationships are too much. Its everything/everyone.
That’s me, thanks for posting, I never put it together, it’s everything. I have 2 best friends from 1st grade and my family. It’s like I’m a minimalist emotionally.
And they're charming, funny, charismatic, outgoing, talks to everyone and just plain irresistible and lovable at first. They go after their prey quite successfully. That's how we all ended up here in the first place. They are so good at spotting an easy target, and they can relationship hop without breaking a sweat. It's eerie how they pull this off so well their entire lives, but they've got quite a schtick going that many of them won't change, and that's why it's so hard to feel sorry for them. The damage they suffered completely controls them. It's amazing that some of them actually break out of it. Reminds me of Sam Vaknin, a self-aware narcissist on youtube, who was determined to view himself objectively until he figured out what his problem was. There is only hope when we admit to ourselves we have a problem.
Charming and outgoing? Go after their prey? Avoidants? 90% of them are a nervous wreck who just avoid other people, about half of them avoid any relationships at all or don't make it very far.
I just realise that im a fearful avoidant. Im charming, good looking and smooth talker. I really try to connect when I meet someone Im interested, but as soon as my feelings are reciprocated, my interest goes to 0. I start thinking about all the imperfections, dissociate me from the relationship by convincing me it will not work for x, y, z, developing FOMO and feeling empty for not be able to connect and express my feelings/how i feel. I dont actively manipulate anyone, I show coolness and self confidence, but im a wreck inside.
One of the biggest challenge is that they don’t want to realise that they have some issues.
Yes, unfortunately
Based on age. At some point they realize they are the reason their relationships don't work. The biggest challenge is getting them to seek the help they need (which usually never happens) to improve.
That’s a generalization.. I’m a person with an insecure attachment & I’m here watching this video to learn how to change my tendencies, since I’m aware that they are destructive..
@@ivorymay5244 same , and im so so tired of hurting my partner and the distress it brings both of us
One of the biggest challenges is a condescending comment like this.
All of my partners have said these same things - “well I don’t know, tomorrow you could just up and say you’re moving across the country”, “why would I make myself vulnerable to you when you could just decide you’re done with this tomorrow?” they’re constantly asking me how committed I am and passive aggressively insinuating they’re more invested in the relationship than me. Because of my avoidance, they close themselves off, and then I get more insecure and avoid more. It’s a lose lose cycle.
Most are so detached they would though. It’s happened to me several times. So the more anxious person never feels secure in the relationship bc the rug can be pulled at any moment
I have got to learn to close myself off
@@johnnycassell4338 You will find yourself closing off after an avoidant, is almost inevitable
@@Lolipop8686 Fact
Pretty sure it wasnt passive aggressive!😅😅😅😅
I was seeing a woman with FA attachment. The beginning was beautiful. I thought she was going to be my person. Three months later she was like a deer in the headlights pulling away then saying she was terrified of losing me from her life. Then wouldn’t return messages, hold my hand, or kiss me until I was ready to walk away. Always talked about the last guy that was awful to her and pinned for him. Said I treated her better than anyone ever did but I still got rejected and found her on a dating app. I loved her. It was absolutely devastating. Such a mind $&@;
She did not deal with her baggage before getting back into dating. You dodged a bullet - would’ve gotten way worse
It wasn't u
It's her past n trauma
I see myself in what you describe of your ex. I am a woman, and here is my two cents : we sabotage before you do because we convinced ourselves that you will. It’s also how we keep control. But we’re miserable inside and very lonely. I don’t talk about my exes though, I don’t care. But I remember how it was shit and I repeat the same pattern to validate the bitterness I have felt for a long time. That’s my comfort zone, or…. It was.
I am so sorry… it has nothing to do with you. I am sorry she bothered you. That’s why I am single. I can’t do this to another person. I am so sorry.
Yeah man that is my ex :/ I worked SOO hard to be in the moment and emotionally available as I am avoidant but eveyrtime we got really close she'd freak out and pull away.
Going through this… you’re correct about the mind %^*
At almost 30, I am learning to be vulnerable and it is ok.
"im not ready to commit" ....... to a 30+ year old woman who has slept with over 10 men
i will commit to a pure virgin wife for life if there is no chance of divorce
You hit the nail on the head with the deactivation strategies..I’ve done them, still do them and I found your channel as a result of me being tired of my own sabotaging self 😅
my brain automatically keeps everyone at distance. like a deeply ingrained habbit
i understand why people become avoidant, but it's very hard not to view avoidant attachment in relationship as inherently harmful. Because purposefully devaluing your partner, pulling away from them and putting distance between you, leaving just when you feel most connected to them, etc....like those are harmful to the other person aren't they?
Just be mindful you don't need to have every stereotypical trait of an attachment style. I would never devalue my partner at least out loud, I might do it in my head when I start to feel the need to pull away but I always notice I am doing it.
Yes, it is. But I thnk is the less aware among the different attachment styles.
Avoidance is a trauma reaction. I think that's what so many people have a heard time relating to and integrating because it's so far off their own trauma responses. If someone abruptly takes their hand off a hot stove, and you're standing right behind and end up getting violently slapped in the process, would you say they hurt you purposefully ?
There’s a difference between harm and hurt. I think if we are grounded and aligned in ourselves and know our wounds, bruises and scars- we are less susceptible to coming undone by other people’s issues. Will it hurt when they don’t know how to engage and therefore sabotage emotional intimacy- sure. But we don’t have to be afraid that we can’t handle or process the pain and as a result change who we are and how we engage with the world and the rest of our relationships.
Well. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is let them go even if it makes you angry doing so that you have to devalue them.
Toxic men deserve to be connected to me because of the toxic situations surrounding me. When toxic men leave, I chase them to accompany the misery that's inflicted by outside interference.
I let good men go because they simply don't deserve the chaos & violations that comes with me even if the circumstances are not my fault 🙃
I’ve never heard it described this way. The going to the mother for comfort and being rejected. I really felt that deeply.
Same here you're not alone, please take care of yourself! Take meals on time and lets keep healing
Me too…
Thank you for this video! I'm teary eyed. You described exactly what I experienced in my baby years to early adolescence. My SAHM never held me, held my hand, hugged me or kissed me, and also told me since I was about 3 (yes, I still remember) not to burden her or be a burden to others. So, I exhibited extreme independence since around age 3, including cleaning and bandaging my own wounds, masking tears when I got hurt, and not asking for food when I got hungry. She had virtually no contact with me until my older sisters would return home from school. It was as though I were a ghost in the house, and now as an adult in my 40s, I see how this is the reason I haven't had any long-term romantic relationship (I broke up with every one of my partners before it got serious).
This is so sad, I'm very sorry
This comment made me cry because I feel I had such a similar experience.
I hope you know you deserve to be heard. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to exist. ❤
I do all of this. It’s terrifying to think I may sabotage relationships because of this and the fear of opening up and telling people these things about me to help me cope, I fear they’ll use it against me
I have that fear too this is scary content she described me exactly, I wanted to share it with my girl but I thought hell no! these are open wounds she would stab anytime she wants.
I dont trust that anyone other than my family would deeply truly love me and keep loving me for a long time.
i wish i would have known about attachment theory before i got married. i could have saved my husband a lot of hurt and confusion. hell i could have saved myself a lot of hurt and confusion. but we’re here now working on it together.
@@VanVevo-rd7wtbeing unable to lay all your trust in your partner is another way to avoid intimacy. i feel you-i struggle so hard with this
@@topazjas you know I do what I do without thinking I'm not trying to mind game or hide, but I have been causing harm in my relationships, so I searched not knowing that we were a "thing", I was shocked, I also thought that this video should be taken down it has too much info that I want to hide from the world.
@@topazjas there is a belief in me that I am loved because im tough & not "vulnerable" and if I open up I'll lose the love and respect I already have.
Avoidant Attachment goes around hurting people , they have to change themselves cant be done by the non avoidant.
Maybe they can, yet it would take forever. They're looking for perfection that will forever keep them free and longing. That's their MO.
This is so on point. I just broke with a very lovely man in many ways because of his constant travel for work, family, self… and potentially promising that this is temporary. And holding back emotions, saying that when I had an upset, that made him feel unsafe and never being fully in. I tried for a year to bridge that, to love him, offer ways we each can grow but ultimately he just couldn’t meet me. I grew in the process and recognized a lot in myself and what I do want in a relationship. For sure emotional connection and willingness to choose me as the partner to grow with. As hard as it is, I am glad it was only a year and not several years of waiting and hoping
As someone who is struggling with avoidant dismissiveness and this is even scary but I’m willing to change. I desire to feel cause I’ve most of this with my anxious partner. It makes me deeply concerned 🥺 for my love life & emotions. I am and was very sensitive as a child and got denied a lot emotionally so much. I’m scared to get abandoned emotionally but I’m glad to work through this
My bf is dismissive, I'm an anxious..
He says he's willing to go to therapy..but there's honestly a lot on his plate..he goes to school & works..
I feel so screwed in this situation emotionally. He's already gotten my heart & says he wants to stay together but he constantly checking out/ flirting with other girls...but he hasn't taken it past that. After a year I DO believe his goal Isn't to cheat physically...but he IS using these behaviors, as a way to regulate his emotions/ego.
He told me once, " I hit on them( these particular girls), because they DONT reciprocate"..I didn't understand, but I recently realized, it's because there's NO THREAT of intimacy There...the rejection feels safer to them!
This ish is twisted forrel 🤦🏾♀️.
Strangely enough, I do feel in my gut to that he hasn't cheated physically but these avoidant tendencies will rip at your being! I've noticed I'm almost being forced to re-live HIS childhood trauma.. the initial bond forming( childhood)...then the initial rejection ( wound)...and then the partner eventually begins to develop similar defense mechanisms....distancing, shunning or confused emotions, withdrawal, low self-esteem..it's like a contagious sickness. I actually understand how he came to be this way..I understand trauma because I have my own, but this set up has made me a weaker version of myself...and my doubts are starting to outway any hope. To think, I'm going through this because LOVE In itself, scares Avoidants.. it's demonic in my opinion. I wonder how much this " running from love" thing..affects a person's ability to know God's love?
He is love..And love scares them..I mean c'mon🤦🏾♀️
@@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim god's love means nothing to most people. I suggest using a diffirent form of motivation
Just because you were ignored by your caretaker, it doesn’t mean your partner will ignore you. If your partner loves you they will take your needs and fears seriously. You and your needs are important. But in the process also make sure you are considering your partner’s needs too. Hang in there brother. The fact that you are aware of your challenges and willing to work on it, already says a lot about you and your character. Find a good therapist and keep educating yourself. Kudos to you! Sending prayers your way🙏🏻. Remember just take baby steps, change doesn’t happen over night and be patient and kind to yourself. What happened to you as kid isn’t your fault, you didn’t ask for that neglect. But the good news is, now you have more tools and resources. When we know better we do better. Seize the day.
P.S. I admire your courage and strength it takes a lot to admit something we struggle with. I’m an anxious attachment style and it’s not easy either, and I’m here educating myself because the girl I like is avoidant. I’m learning so much about myself and her in the process.
@@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim The impact of this man will ultimately be on your identity. It happened to me and is hands down the worst thing I've ever been through. Good luck my dear, this is one of those life mistakes that gives you a PhD in human nature and personality development.
Well dang. That’s me. 100%. I always think I could do better and back off as soon as things start to get good. I’m afraid to say,”I love you.” I don’t want to lose out on better options or get stuck with someone who is going to limit me, hurt me, not know the full me, or who has flaws that drive me crazy. My mom died when I was in my early 20’s and she was sick all my life, so my needs for a mother were not met as they could have been had she been healthy. Thank you for this informative message. I will seek help. I might benefit my future by being more vocal and committed to my relationships.
Yea plz go to therapy . And don’t start a relationship and hurt people if you’re not willing to seek help
Fist, let me just say, I’m sorry your experience was so rough in regard to your mother. I hope you learn to heal and not merely to cope. 🙏🏾😊 Second, a new partner will only land you back in the same place you started, ALONE. Sit with yourself and face your reality. Third, Instead of seeking better because of FOMO, become better and focus on what YOU need to do while you’re single. There are no “better options” out there for you, only smarter choices for you to make about who you are becoming. You attract and accept who you are. Your refusal to accept others is merely a reflection of your unwillingness to accept yourself. (I’m healing from fearful avoidance,so you’re not alone.) I hope this helps!
You’ve dealt with some things from what you shared. Though the journey will be messy (healing is) you’ll begin to see yourself.
The main takeaway for me after dating a girl with an avoidant style is to never engage in a relationship with these type of people. I mean, may be it would work if a person had some degree of self awereness but as I understand it avoidants usually lack self reflect capabilities and just act out things on you. Or it's just how it was in my case. I am an anxious type ofc. I had some relationships before and had never felt so hopeless and trapped as I did with her. The time we were together left me damaged and drained, ruminating and feeling angry about the past. Oh, and she studies in the same place as I do so I constantly see her. Things are much better now two years from the brakeup but it still hurts badly. Choose your partners wisely
Agreed. Everyone should avoid anxious types, especially if you are avoidant as they will drain the life out of you and reinforce avoidance.
Yep. Tune up your picker. And make sure you are securely attached to yourself before picking someone else,
Drained, damaged, ruminating and angry. Described very accurately.
When the DA idealizes the mother who gave them all these hangups is absolutely astounding. She’ll be beyond criticism but you’ll pay for her bad parenting. You do the time for someone else’s crime
So true, I'm living the nightmare that someone else created. Becoming an expert on the problem but it wont change a thing.
They spend more time with their mother, the cause of the disordered attachment, than they do with their partner
That's how it goes
Most love their moms because they think they have no choice.
@@S.M.Jean-Mahmoud_Ier I don't
I'm always fully commited in a relationship so I expect the same from the one I love and if he was flirting with other women in front of me I would not be jealous but sad, it would mean I made a mistake by choosing him. I would not tolerate to be disrespected like that and I would consider seriously to put an end to this relationship. Cheating is not an option.
"im not ready to commit" ....... to a 30+ year old woman who has slept with over 10 men
i will commit to a pure virgin wife for life if there is no chance of divorce
@@mikelisteral7863then marry a 20+ woman with 20 bodies then 🙃 holy shit tf are you chatting about lmao
@@mikelisteral7863 you do not deserve a virgin if yu are not one yourself. If you have a high body count, seek your equal.
I love talking about feelings but I avoid my friends and romantic partners SO OFTEN. All this time I thought I was just highly introverted but guess not. So glad I discovered this😢
Amazing. You described my boyfriend like you’re in his brain. It’s funny, because I can see he loves me and I can see what’s going on with him, but it’s hard for me to put it into words. You have put it into perfect words for me, I feel understood 🙂 thank you.
Hi can I ask you something?
Same here! Amazing right? 🙄
@@mariakoraliabatista1676how do you deal with not see them much?
Dr. Kim you really helped me realize an issue I have been struggling with for a long time. I always lose interest for absolutely no reason, even in perfectly healthy and wonderful relationships I have had.
I recently split with a woman who I really did feel love for, but never said “I love you” back to her because I “wasn’t ready”. I pulled away, got colder with her, and it wasn’t fair to her. But all I could think about was her, and I missed her, and thought to myself “why am I like this? I broke up with this amazing girl who I had something great with for no reason?”
As a victim of something similar like your situation. I would advice you to reach out and try to talk to her and open about about it because it is going to mess her up mentally and emotionally, you might not have any idea how this badly affected her. My ex ended up opening up and told me the reason why he left me for no reason 8 years ago after reaching out. The separation wounded me so badly that I didn't even notice till we ended up talking about it after almost a decade. I am now finally on my healing journey after we talked, I guess finally getting closure is what I really needed. Try talking to her and apologize if possible🙂
I agree. Get it out and over with and watch yourself become the happiest you ever imagined for standing up for yourself!! Get over the hump and you got this!!
I just realized I gave my son (19) the same advice to apologize to the girl he ran off. He was so ugly to her when he was pushing her away for good 2 years ago. I couldnt believe it. Didnt know where that was coming from...I just knew I had been that girl once and it didnt feel good. I told him I had never seen him happier and ever since that day he was grouchy. And he would be surprised what it do for him to at least apologize to her. He doesn't like me telling him what to do ya know??
He heard what I said bc a few months later he tells me he'd been lying about where he'd been going and that he and her got to start over. And they are best friends and soul mates I believe. I knew she was nuts about him and a girl who's nuts about you, and you are her too, why deny the truth?? Make your life the way you want it to be! We get to do that!! Live. Once
when she said that she needed some space, i was ok with it and respecting her wishes. i messaged her about wanting to talk about the time and space that she needs. she said ok but theres no more contact after that. three days later she said she dont want to talk to me again as she pulled away. i thought things were going well up until that point. that made me blame myself for doing mistakes that i even dont know what i did.
for the last three nights i was afflicted with insomnia because my mind keep going back to the endless and unanswered question and i went spiraling. it was really horrible experience.
thank you for this video, it clears up many question marks that i had. so its not really about me, its actuallyabout her own insecurity and self-sabotaging trait, which she used to admit and told me before. now it clicks.
I wish she could open up and talk with me again. but looking how things goes, i dont think she will, and theres no guarantee that this wont happen again.
How is a relationship with these types not considered emotional abuse and manipulation?
True
Because they are victims.
True.
It is, it’s just giving a name to the condition
Because it doesn't come from awareness nor malice
I definitely sabotaged a connection because suddenly I hated how he chewed 😩
These were dead on for me , I avoid romantic relationships .The more I avoid getting close or defining the relationship the more I’m placed in relationships where I’m forced to have those tough conversations.
Its mad cause those 'tough' conversations are really not that tough to anyone else 😅
Much easier to get them over with, either way.
This describes my significant other to a T, especially the intimacy and the extreme avoidance of it. He always avoids talking about anything to do with feelings, is extremely critical of others generally and yet talks a lot about his idyllic childhood and his long dead parents with affection. I can't decide if he is just avoidant or if there is some narcissism in there as well. He's more than happy to talk about himself but never asks about me and this is 10 years in. Of course he has many good qualities and I have always had a feeling that there is some traumatic reason for his behaviour . He is very sociable in company but does not seek it.
10 years!!! I cannot imagine being with someone sp difficult that long. Thats nuts!!!
Julia, he has very narcissistic elements in his behaviour. And this makes you feel less important which is hurtful
@@empreenergy3376 yes, it might seem so but neither of us are young and we both like our own space and company, plus he lives 400 miles away. He always phones me at least every other day and is on the phone for an hour minimum and frequently two. I have cut him a lot of slack but a few months ago I let him have with both barrels when he was rude to me. He then ghosted me for nearly three weeks so I texted him goodbye and good luck. After a few days he got back in touch and apologised , something I've never heard of him doing before so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt this time. As I said he does have many good qualities as we all do
My wife is an avoidant. I got so tired of it I finally started avoiding her. I hate what this is doing to me. I want her attention but I'm soooo tired of getting ignore and rejected by her. I act calm but I'm constantly stressed. I purposefully look for things to do to occupy myself with just so I don't think about her, but nothing works because I want that bond with her. None of our intimate or loving acts feel genuine. Our relationship has no soul. I can't even text her or flirt with her because she calls me "needy". She gave me all the bonding in the world at first, made me fall head over heels for her, but then did the bait & switch. The resentment is building up and I feel so damn alone. I hate this dynamic.
My dismissive avoidant ex would say, "You know how I feel about you!"
Same. And "if I didn't love you then why would I be with you". Or, "I said I loved you the other day, why would that have changed?"
I have a mom. Who has all those bpd traits. Been trying to have a relationship with her after i moved out. But i feel at a age of 22. I can't have that relationship in my life. She want to ruin everything i build on my own. When we get in to a argument. She's going crazyy, and wont stop. Saying stuff like she won't have me in her life. Over a small thing. So now i have to cut of that relationship. Because it's keeping me in that toxic mentality from my childhood. I have a partner, that i have rejected 3 times now. Simple over small things. I have tried so bad to open up for her. About my childhood. And my mom, what bpd does to me. And I feel like I can remove all those mad traits. If i'm just open about it. Communication with my partner about it. And telling her simple, when i get some of feelings abot wanting to leave. Wanting to protest myself. And not letting her in on my thoughts and life in general. I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy from now on. And letting her in on everything. Ofc after 3 attempts she has some doubts about me and trusting me i won't do it again. But first thing first for changing is recognizing your issues...Hope everyone finds a healthy solution for it.
Soo happy i found this video. I ruin relationships soo quickly during intimate moments my partner told me is like i try to ruin the moment as soon as it’s starting to happen
As an avoidant, I totally understand some of these. Part of the pulling away or not saying “I love you” is from this internal feeling like I am going to get trapped in something that I cannot get out of.
I've just realised something. I left a relationship with a vulnerable covert narc ( hate labels) my needs were never met. I became a codependent. I'd please my way in to being cared for. It didn't work so I healed for it. Now I'm aware of bad codependent behaviours I've realised underneath it all that I'm anxious avoidant...he's such a sweet heart my new guy. I'm working on become vulnerable with him instead of getting angry.
Thanks for sharing these accurate words! Wow, I feel as though you just sent healing energy to my trauma. Thank you❤
There are subtle differences, but avoidant attachment behaviors can also be a disguise for covert narcissism. Are they really "afraid" or are you on the receiving end of the devalue/discard phase?
Both mechanisms are trauma based narcissism which is simply a self-preserving ego defense.
Addictive behaviour patterns are a big part of this.
How’s is it that people call it avoidant instead of Asshole.
Yep, that's what I'm being right now, an asshole. Workin on it.
I gave up everything to be with a girl who, in hindsight, clearly had this issue. I saw several red flags.. All the signs were there.. But I allowed myself to become attached and eventually devastated by this person.
Same here. It was the most confusing breakup ever. Just walked out of my life, no closure. 8 months on its still eating me up inside 😢
When there’s a disagreement,
someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in any and every disagreement
in a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me,
never ends up being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose a part of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
😂
NPD right here.
About 2 weeks ago that book, Attached, opened my eyes to Attachment Theory. That same book then went on to blow my mind wide open by explaining how, at age 54, I can't seem to connect deeply with my wife, children, and others. I just could not figure it out! And now I know!!
After reading that book I moved on to Created For Connection by Sue Johnson and once again a massive portal opened in my brain. Those books were great and I was so excited about learning about myself.
But those two book pale in comparison to these videos by Dr. Kim. This wonderful and caring woman has such a talent for explaining things, in a clear and straightforward manner. I can take pages of notes off one of her videos. The amount of useful and insightful information she has on her UA-cam page it should be illegal to have access to it for free.
The amount of time that she puts into these videos must be enormous. As she says she must really love helping people. I for one can attest to how much her work has changed my life.
And on top of that she is so vulnerable about her own Attachment issues.
Thank you!
I have anAvoidant Attachment Style because I fear being in a romantic relationship because I fear rejection.
You've nailed it! The man I've been with for six years has all of these traits. The kicker is he's graduating with psychology masters in August 2023. He also uses the I was studying card for 6 years as an excuss to not commit. He's a raker.
Umm, studying for a masters in psychology keeps a person pretty busy.
Mine had a degree in psychology too. What a joke hahaha. Never knew someone who cared for the human condition less than him.
The fact he is studying psychology means he wants to heal ....
The 3 people I have known closely over the years that went into psychology(2 PHD's and 1 with a Master's) were/are the 3 most broken people I can remember knowing. IMO a great deal of people who go into the field do so as a fact-finding/forensics mission: "Why was my family so screwed up? and "How do I fix it/fix myself?" I have no doubt that all 3 were able to answer the first question after the 2nd year of coursework, but NONE of these people actually did anything to help themselves, and these are the people dispensing the wisdom to us? Having been in and out of therapy since I was 13, unfortunately)or more accurately "fortunately"), I can tell inside the first 15 minutes of the first session with a new therapist whether they are competent or still using their patients to try to heal themselves. The most recent friend of mine that went into the field was a woman married to one of my close friends. She was a basket case when I knew her 15 years ago and he divorced her 7 years ago and never looked back. Sweet woman, I counted her as a friend, but she had absolutely no business advising others on the mental health.
This was one of the BEST videos I’ve seen (I’m also a therapist) and this is just so accurate.
"im not ready to commit" ....... to a 30+ year old woman who has slept with over 10 men
i will commit to a pure virgin wife for life if there is no chance of divorce
I discovered that I am avoidant dismissive, and it makes sense. My mother was never really maternal, especially not with me. She mostly resented and insulted me.
I’m new to therapy 40 years old never had therapy of any kind and now I’m in an inpatient program working on myself working through addiction, this video seriously just changed my world. I can look at my guilt and shame, and I think I can start to heal. It’s giving me a light at the end of the tunnel it explains so much about my personality. I always wondered why I was the way I was thank you so much for this video. I watched a couple of your other videos to I can’t wait to share in therapy❤
No where on that list was avoiding relationships and friendships altogether. The ability to suppress the intermittent/occasional need for connections can be strong. Very self contained people.
And not willing to do any work to maintain friendships/relationships, they just let it go without a care
They avoid intimacy within a relationship while seeking intensity outside of the relationship.
Kenny Weiss
My take on Kenny's quote is that they have superficial friendships, even sexual friendships, but they only open up to non-romantic others, if at all.
@@mikyl-fo8rhthey only open up to strangers then avoid them if they get too close or scare themselves because they realized they revealed too much information. Then proceed to ghost
"Focused on imperfections" thia really hit me because it became a nigthmare at a certain point. When the DA felt too close (and therefore fear and push subsconsciously) started that massive criticism bombing.
You hit the nail on the head with my relationship.. 💯
Amazing!!! Brought so much clarity! Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for helping people that can't afford adequate therapy in our attempts to heal 🙏
This whole thing is scarily accurate
Omg, SHE NAILED IT!!
This makes so much sense now, thanks for sharing.
your videos are a blessing and help me feel not so alone or misunderstood. thank you dr. kim
Over the past few weeks I have realized I have all the aspects of this. This is a godsend. Now a lot of stuff makes sense! I feel super happy. I have been journaling and currently looking for a therapist.
This video hit so hard. The bare unvarnished truth always does.
Wow 😮 you were in my feed, and I am blown away! Now that this information has resonated with me, so deplete whore of how I act, I can be one step closer to healing this horrendous trauma- it is so wild how the universe works!
Wow. This was so revealing for me. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this. From my understanding of this and it will not be easy is to focus on yourself and realize it's not you and you need to keep moving forward.
I describe it: The will:.......the will to relationship....or not the will to relationship.....
Wow, this was great, I wish it was somehow required that every potential new parent had to listen 👍
Thank You Dr Kim for providing this exceptional content.
Ugh, this is me to a tee, especially the pining over exes and holding them on a pedestal. Been split with my last ex for almost two years now and I think about her all the time.
Shame is, she's a great person I would love to be friends with, but no contact is the only way to keep myself from looking like a fool and asking questions I don't want to know the answers to.
Great content! Thank you for all you do on your channel. I've learned a ton!
That was brilliant and even though I thought I was very familiar with DAs and their strategies that helped me understand them even more. Thanks so much.
I lived in OC for 32 years. Xlnt ideas describing me accurately in many ways. I find myself unwilling to re-examine my childhood anymore or to even become vulnerable and willing to connect deeply with others. I have too much anger towards previous therapy and anger at too many people who blamed me for all my challenges. Nobody knew that I was on the autism spectrum, I was not diagnosed until 2016 while in my early 60s.
This is a brilliant video, explained extremely well. Hard to hear if you're living it, but it's so very helpful all the same. Thank you.
This makes so much sense now .
This was so very helpful. Thank you for this information, it helped provide context.
Dr. Kim-my ex DA checks ALL of these boxes!!
Thank you for making me realize I’m not crazy!
Value yourself enough to avoid the avoidant and choose people who choose you. No rocket science here.
Whoa!! This definitely resonates. I'm in therapy and will start addressing some of these points because I have become very guarded in my marriage and want to fix things
oooh ok this might be the most useful video i've watched about this topic
I connected deeply" with a stranger but she turned around and ghosted me... Avoiding me and killed any further progress.. I respect her decision but if she ever had and genuine authentic feelings, she would of found a way to be honest with me
BEST video on the subject ever
You have an excellent way to explain this dynamic
God bless and heal you all.
I know things from the "other side"
I'm here to learn more about this condition.
I love my ex gf and her kids.
She's an awesome, amazing woman, and by understanding, I'm hoping to ease the pain of losing them and the hope she'll eventually heal. Her and the kids deserve to be loved, happy, and safe with or without me.
Thanks Kim! You struck a nerve. I'm starting to understand where my fear is coming from. 🌻
You call that fear, I call that been smart.
@@peteryang8991 being smart about your fears is even better
@@onnol917 And i believe that is exactly what Johnny Depp said before he married Amber Heard LOL
[ being smart about your fears is even better} That is trynot being smart about your fears. It is stupid people trying to twist the facts and looking for excuse.
Wow this makes so much sense!!
Interesting the more I learn these different types of attachments/avoidant the more I understand myself. At Least now I'm more aware of my mental mechanism... Which teaches me what I need and what I don't. And how to improve the things that are valuable in an intimate relationship. Thank you.
I've always hold those avoidants in a very unfavourable place in my mind because of the heartbroke I had suffered by their own hands, shortly after I realised that i happen to be an anxious attachment type of person. as i recognised myself, my feelings and the emotional pattern that i unwillingly perform in such situations further and further i also figured out the reasons why for all that. Now I see that those avoidant individuals also deserve the privilege to be seen and heard from inside. Still as it is not my responsibility to help them which I obviously can't as long as they don't let me, i also know that I shouldn't push his limits only for the mere fact that i love him. An avoidant and an anxious attachment type of boy... possibly the worst match ever possible. Thank you for helping me see it through his eyes as well🙏
I was in that worst match ever, with the most beautiful woman, and I pushed her into the arms of a securely attached man. My loss is profound. Just wait till it happens, because it is crushing to realise you love someone but was always afraid to be vulnerable enough to admit it.
Really hope you can work through it, and avoid that or another messy, painful ending.
@@Kajpaje thank you for the nice wishes 🙏🙏
I'd also add that the more anxious you are, the more the avoidant retreats into his shell. That's what I did. Anxious/ nervous about the meaning of a situation, wanting clarity etc.
Oh my gosh, thank you for this video, an many others I have listened to. You have just described me to the T. I have not realised that I was doing all of this, I am 63 years old, and isolate, don't want to be with anyone, yet I am so lonely inside. Now I understand why. thank you so much. ❤️
I hope you find what you're looking for Gabi ❤
Your projection is concise: it reinforces what i already knew " that i possess ( inherent avoidant attachment issues) but i didn't know it was linked to childhood ( emotional deprivation) woe unto my non existent ( love life) no prospect.
Thank you! This is exceptional! Keep up the Good Work! 😅
Hi Dr. Sage, 1. Over protection during childhood certainly can be felt by a kid as not being loved...
2, Maintaining distance within a "loving relationship" can be (psuedo)protective in the since that better to yearn for love than to risk loss. Ironically, those who most need love as a result of our childhood are the most scared.
Dave