This is tough. The ruminating can feel all-consuming. When this comes up, I usually help clients first make sure they have the information they need to move forward. I don't necessarily mean details, because often nitty gritty details can only get them stuck more. What I'm talking about is the information they need to move forward; what helps them make sense of what happened and make meaning of it. Now, it may never fully make sense to them, because they are not their partner and they would have made different decisions. They can't only look at it from their lens. This can be challenging and where the rumination occurs. I help clients acknowledge the rumination, validate the thought, and coach themselves through the moment.
NOPE …..after I found out about his numerous affairs …..nope …trust will stay broken and I know divorce is coming after he is retiring ……so nope …no vulnerability at all because I know this will kill me literally .
If the unfaithful partner is unwilling to do the vulnerable work, that is information for the betrayed partner to acknowledge and decide what that means for them. We cannot force anyone to do anything, which can feel really painful and important to recognize when it is happening.
Thank you so much. I really needed this.
I'm so glad that you found it
How do you move on and stop ruminating? Thats my hardest thing for me because there were multiple affairs in a matter of days with4 different men.
This is tough. The ruminating can feel all-consuming. When this comes up, I usually help clients first make sure they have the information they need to move forward. I don't necessarily mean details, because often nitty gritty details can only get them stuck more. What I'm talking about is the information they need to move forward; what helps them make sense of what happened and make meaning of it. Now, it may never fully make sense to them, because they are not their partner and they would have made different decisions. They can't only look at it from their lens. This can be challenging and where the rumination occurs. I help clients acknowledge the rumination, validate the thought, and coach themselves through the moment.
NOPE …..after I found out about his numerous affairs …..nope …trust will stay broken and I know divorce is coming after he is retiring ……so nope …no vulnerability at all because I know this will kill me literally .
When does the betrayed person caused from infidelity, give any insight on leaving for good or at least consider trying ? Is there a timeline?
The timeline is really individual and not every partner that leaves chooses to share why they are leaving. It can be really hard for both partners.
How do you advise when the unfaithful is unwilling to do the vulnerable work to help the betrayed heal
If the unfaithful partner is unwilling to do the vulnerable work, that is information for the betrayed partner to acknowledge and decide what that means for them. We cannot force anyone to do anything, which can feel really painful and important to recognize when it is happening.
Watch Lundy Bancroft and you will understand .