Three Ways to Heal After Betrayal
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- Опубліковано 6 лют 2023
- Kristin M, Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF specializes in treating and educating on betrayal trauma (infidelity recovery), addiction recovery, and helping individuals/couples navigate relationship crises. This was a free, live webinar that explores the three most important things to identify and process through after uncovering betrayal (through infidelity, addiction, or other means). The "betrayal heavy-hitters" are trauma, shame, and processing grief and loss. Kristin provides helpful examples of how trauma, shame, and grief/loss can wreak havoc on someone's relationship, mental health, and stability. She also provides tools for processing betrayal trauma, shame, and grief/loss. Kristin's website and UA-cam channel provide education, help, and support for people looking to get unstuck in the pain and explore the healthiest steps forward in (or out) of their relationship. Kristin discussed emotional abuse, manipulation, narcissistic abuse, attachment wounds, trauma healing, and shame resiliency practices, to name a few. Kristin educates on the importance of identifying what has been lost as a consequence of betrayal, uncovering addiction, years of lies, and the chaos that's ensued. This is a part of free monthly webinars on all issues related to couples crisis issues and moving from unhealthy to healthy relationship dynamics.
(This is an edited version of a recorded live webinar with SexandRelationshipHealing.com, co-hosted by Tami Verhelst)
**The Grief/Loss Journal Prompt: www.kristinsnowden.com/2022-c...
(THIS IS EDUCATIONAL ONLY, THIS IS NOT THERAPY)
www.kristinsnowden.com | KristinSnowdenMFT@gmail.com
FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY & RESOURCES: www.kristinsnowden.com/free-r...
3:50 Summary of the three most damaging parts of experiencing betrayal
5:40 Betrayal Trauma Explained
7:00 How trauma re-wires your brain
8:50 How your "survival brain" plays a role in your trauma and healing process
9:56 Why betrayal is so traumatizing
12:09 Betrayal often includes these behaviors by your betraying partner...
17:40 The types of treatment that can help heal trauma
17:45 What is shame and what role does it play in your life
24:09 How grief and loss shows up in betrayal
26:36 What is grief and loss really about
30:15 Tools for healing grief
41:40 Boundaries
Get my FREE eBook: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Crisis: bit.ly/RelationshipCrisis to set you down a path toward healing and clarity. It’s a small collection of education, important first steps, and resources to get you through the initial crisis period.
Get Kristin's Relationship Masterclass: Resiliency & Recovery Access her full online library of eye-opening content, helpful tools, comprehensive workbook, and much more. Options for one-on-one LIVE COACHING with Kristin bit.ly/RRROnlineProgram
**Join Kristin's LIVE (zoom) WORKSHOPS for betrayed partners and beyond. Please visit this link for dates/times to register. bit.ly/KristinsWorkshops
Get 20% off with code KRISTINSNOWDEN for the Muse meditation device and its app to help with consistency, motivation, tracking and accountability. Go to choosemuse.com/kristinsnowden (I receive a small commission)
**Connect with Kristin's IG Account / courage_2_connect for announcements and discounts
This is an edited version of KRISTIN'S FREE LIVE WEBINAR EVERY SECOND WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH AT 9:30 AM (pacific time). Please join us by clicking the link:
zoom.us/j/244109360 Co-host Tami@seekingintegrity.com @SexandRelationshipHealing
#addictionrecovery #couplescrisis #infidelity #betrayaltrauma #griefjourney #shameresilience #divorce #couplescounseling #maritalissues #attachmenttrauma
Kristin is the co-author of Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal & Transform Your Life bit.ly/LifeAnonymousBook
No one really understands the pain of a betrayal, except for those of us who live with it.
Which is why I always encourage Betrayed partners to find a safe group of other betrayed partners to support and connect. I have betrayed partner workshops, sexandrelationshiphealing.com also has groups
@garybrooker312
1 second ago
Solutions are what the betrayed seek not meaningless rhetoric. A group of people in intense unresolved pain? Money is all these so called therapist want. Happy people don't need these snake oil con artists.@@KristinSnowden
This is true. I knew a woman who was cheated on and put very strict rules on her husband who she was staying with (he’s a massive cheater btw). After I had someone cheat I completely understand why she was doing that and how she must have felt.
Do you know any groups for people who have been abused by a therapist??? Bit** cannot have my light either. Yes. Repeating patterns. How to trust now...not like I did
Needing to be heard. Needing lots more than this.Thank you.
Honestly, there is a misconception in this world: ALL Human Beings go through either of the two:
Betrail and/or
Abandonment
We ALL have the exact same wounding... Not always aware of them and in different shapes and intensities.
I lost my mother and the trust in her, while she was standing right in front of me.
Much Love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
When someone shows you who they really are.... believe them.
5 years after the fact and I'm starting to think the only way to heal is without them.
I feel like an empty shell of my former self and I don’t see a path towards transformation. I’ve lost all motivation and enthusiasm for life itself. This is the trauma that’s invisible to the rest of society. No one really understands the pain of a betrayal, except for those of us who live with it.
Numb and lost. Here too, I get it.
I'm SO with you😢
I feel that way too, but I have decided to go against my feelings, and 'give em hell' and fight for my life. So I push past how I feel every day in small ways. It's still hard, but I can't stop fighting for myself. I won't allow someone who hurt me to destroy my entire life. I just will not
@@LizaLavoltaI love the way you put that… even if I cry I’m still going to try to get back to my regularly happy bubbly self. I just miss the genuine true love I felt for years. In time I will get pass the slight heartbreak
@@citichic2311 Yes you will. No other choice, no way to to go but forward!
The betrayal sucks, and finding out the lies the person you trusted is capable of is worse. But, the gaslighting, when you start to not trust the only person you have left too trust, yourself, well that's the worst.
I’m sure there are many people who agree with everything you’ve just stated.
Four C's
- loss of control
- loss of choice
- loss of context
- loss of connection
That was what I couldn't put my finger on! Thank you!! 🌹
22 years of narcisstic behaviour and gaslighting. I got blamed for everything while he came and went (who knows where) whenever he wanted. Thanks for posting this video, helping me to understand what is happening to me. Met new guy and started over controlling him out of pure fear. Need to heal before I ruin any future relationships. ❤
There will be no more getting married for me ever again. I don't have time to wait for somebody to walk out on me.
I handled my betrayal poorly. Then 6 months later my son committed suicide while living with his father. Two years ago my daughter is diagnosed with a rare cancer. My youngest, now an adult has virtually given up (he blames me that at the time of the chaos he had no parents). The effect on the family is devastating.
I’m so sorry I feel your pain so bad please don’t loose your hope. I’ve lost my motivation to go on my life since my husband left us to see woman just met in Mexico… and they are traveling all over in Mexico. I’m devastating.
I will pray for you and family I’m wishing of your future happiness
Thank you@@minahhassell2975
I can relate as my son did the same at 35.
@minahhassell2975 it's awful luv I know. My husband did the same 20 yr ago x
I'm terribly sorry for your loss and situation with your son. Hope the relationship with him heals too.
17 years and I sometimes still feel it.
I'm on only 7 years, and there are days I can't stop thinking about it like it just happened...let alone the triggers. 😢
Your description is really spot on….grief, sadness, so much pain(I took care of him in hospice, right after he decided to “come clean” about his transactionship in another city, after 33 years of marriage). What a chaotic way to leave this world, try to destroy everyone on your way out…BUT, almost 2 years now, phenomenal therapist and I feel great!!! I don’t have to live in chaos and torture anymore and I’m grateful that chapter is over and I’m happy again.
The worst part about my betrayal is his odyssey to make it my fault. Addiction ✔ Denial ✔ Infedelities ✔Gas Lighting ✔ Lies ✔ Broken Promises ✔
same here. my fault according to him and his family. I didn't know how to love him or I didn't know his love language or I was never going to understand his needs but he never communicated that he needed something or he will leave. instead he choose to cheat and physically neglect me and live a double life.
Betrayal can be anything. It’s “agreed upon” ways of behavior or knowing how the relationship function works. And the betrayal is a break in “the given rules”
A lot of people have betrayal over secret credit card debt. Emotional cheating.
Again anything that can be a shock on the system when you find out a secret they kept
So true. Betrayal can be experienced anytime a trusted loved one behaves in a shocking or “out of character” way (or at least out of character from who you thought that person was or how they think or make decisions)
10 years of trust being broken and rebuilt, but after the last time it caused me to go into a thyroid storm and near heart attack on my sons birthday. I thought for sure after seeing me go through 3 months of er trips, devloping a physical illness because of the betrayal and a near death experience would result in it not happening again with a partner who is otherwise wonderul and acts like they care and wanna stop their behaviors...fast forward 3 months and yet again it is happening, and this time hit different and now it seems broken, no trust, now im supposed to believe after 10 years of betrayal theyve been clean for 6 months. They act like they have really changed but i cant believe it despite no findings, im hypervigilant always checking and thus pushing them away. It feels like a cycle i cant get out of. But i love them so much and believe they dont wanna hurt me but because its been this way for 10 years i have a hard time believing or accepting that this time is different.
@23:00-- that is my shame story, too. And this is the story society also tells us. "Have more respect for yourself and walk away." But, I don't want to give up on someone I love... even if I'm not sure anymore why I love him.
I drug my husband through 5 years of active addiction... he finally got to a point where he decided that he had enough and he was done with me and my lies. When he finally chose his sanity over me and my crap, it gave me the one consequence I desperately needed. That was nearly 14 years ago. I sincerely doubt I'd be sober today if it weren't for him making that decision. What was good for him turned out to be what was good for me even though it didn't feel that way at the time! Obviously, this may not be the outcome everyone has! Wishing you all the best
I appreciate your willingness to share this with everyone.
I have a long history of trauma from birth. I have been the victim of betrayal, abandonment, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, rejection and most of my trauma started before I was 2yrs old. I have endured all kinds of trauma and now am at an all time low as a result of my life long trauma. I’ve looked for therapist to help but haven’t seen a trauma counselor since I was 12. Now I have hurt someone I deeply love. I cheated once. I know it only takes one time. He’s devastated and I’m filled with guilt, grief, remorse etc. I confessed my sin. I was forthcoming and ashamed. He left me. I cheated bc I always felt afraid of him walking out on me for any reason. I feared him abandoning me for the slightest turn off, mistake etc. We’re both victims of trauma. I haven’t forgiven myself for what I did to him and he isn’t forgiving me either. I allowed him to gas light me, mentally and emotionally abuse me for what I did. We have broken up however it’s his mission to hurt me however he’s able. I wanted us to work. I allowed him to abuse me bc I felt deserving of paying the consequences of my behavior. I allowed him to treat me horribly for 4yrs. He said we were good and would work everything out. He lied to me so he could punish me as long as he wanted. I want healing for both of us. However I know I can only work on me. He’s healing in his own way. I don’t think he’s going about it correctly but anything I say causes him to explode. How do I deal with that?
@@KristinSnowden I need help badly! I want to get out of this pit of depression, anxiety, hurt and physical pain. I need a trauma therapist. I may not make it without the help I need. Any suggestions on how I can get help for myself and under age daughter?
Hi. Have you explored any 12 step groups like AlAnon, Prodependence, even Coda? Those can be helpful. I’m a big proponent of group work. I will have new live workshops posted for august. But hopefully you can find some support in your area. WeTonglen and sexandrelationshiphealin.com are two great online support forums too
“How can I help you” is so powerful. It’s what I have even tried to instill upon my son…and words I’ve asked both my son and husband to use with me. Ask others how you can help or be of service instead of assuming what they need or want, that you know the answer without even having asked first this simple question. These words, this simple question, is the pathway to truly helping someone instead of unintentionally hindering or hurting them.
I was married 40 yr. And my husband chewed on me. He has never done this. He just did it!!! I had 100% trust in him and him in me
This is soo true ❤
I’m dealing with this and he is a compulsive liar who had a completely different life behind my back. And he doesn’t give a crap about what he’s done to me! He keeps lying, manipulating, gaslighting, etc. he is dangerous! I am seriously going crazy!
😑 I wish you get out of it.
Sending you love and light ❤️🌞
same here. double life for 3 yrs and cheating through the marriage. 31yrs lost.
is he trying to leave or did he ever leave?
Shame is the underlying vulnerability. That what we do or believe that we know is self hating or self loathing. The most difficult part of ourselves to reveal.
Merry Christmas _ the truth hurts more than han the lies_ I still get out of bed _ cant wait for the next chapter
Thank you Kristen 🙏🏼
Your talks are so interesting and informative that help so much.
She’s so go. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for your help
You're helping me my dear.
So spot on!!!!
If have been betrayed for the last 10 years with the same partner. We are now married four years… and even though he seem to have stopped doing wrong… I have been in perpetual suffering. I absolutely had no Betrayal Trauma was all of this. I couldn’t put my finger on why I couldn’t catch a break.. 🙁🙁🙁🙁 thank you so much
The minute you try to explain or defend, people will usually start rumors, putting a twist on your truth…
Just walk away
I ask God to sort everything out and He has set boundaries in my marriage, and I'm able to pick up where I left off before I met my husband. God reveal to me while we are separated no other woman is going tolerate my husbands behaviour, so I have peace of mind and live my best life doing missionary work.😊
I was familiar with the trauma and grief parts, and just connected with the shame part of being cheated upon. I didn't tell my family and only told close work colleagues. Just kept it quiet, just as happened when my parents divorced and things were kept quiet, despite the immense suffering.
Agreed that loving another human being is potentially highly risky and the outcome can be thoroughly confusing. However, surely this could be minimised through education. When I entered the dating field, I knew nothing about addictions, depression, anxiety, trauma, narcissists or what constitutes a healthy functioning relationship. Or being love bombed! A recipe for possible disaster.
The only eduction came from family relationships and of course unreal hollywood films.
Wow 💯💯💯💯💯 exactly his words
40:12 the work to become fully integrated within yourself
Thank you
Wow 💯
How do you find people in your community that have had the same experience? This is just now happening to me and my spouse is not remorseful or apologetic. He is and will be continuing to have infidelity. This is overwhelming and do not have the support system for this. I would live to find a group in my area to reach out to.
Please give me a day. Ill be back after I process this. I'm completely overwhelmed. But oh man you speak the volumes of truth. I'm amazed that I finally found someone who exactly explains me. Oh lord it means so much. So very much. I know its truth because it resonates with everything about me. I can't begin to Thank you on how much it means to me. ❤❤ I'm so overwhelmed and need a few days. I'll definitely be back. Thank you! THANK YOU! THANK YOU. OH MAN! THANK YOU. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME. OH MAN! SO TRUE. IN DIRE NEED OF YOUR HELP. 😢PLEASE. JUST THRU EMAIL OK SO WE CAN BOTH FEEL SAFE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR HELP. PLEASE At least make more videos. ❤❤
I'm a man who has been struggling with this for five years. Your video defines and details the symptoms I struggle with. Do you offer in person group sessions?
Hi. I’ve tried several times to create small mens betrayed partners groups but I can never garner enough interest to make one go. But men write me all the time struggling with their partner’s betrayal. I’ll keep trying to create a mens group and putting the word out! I do have several female betrayed partner groups.
@@KristinSnowdenHi kristin I would love info for your woman group sessions
Here you go www.kristinsnowden.com/live-workshops
Yea, all that.
Hi, do you do international via zoom appointments?
Hi. Sometimes, when my schedule allows but currently I am unable to until September
@@KristinSnowdendo you deal with betrayal after the funeral. after passing I found out the double life and multiple affairs and secret FB social media disrespectful behavior. this is grief on top anger and a legacy turnish. my marriage was fake.
How do you find people in your community that have had the same experience? This is just now happening to me and my spouse is not remorseful or apologetic.
I’m so sorry. That’s so painful. There are a few free communities that can support you: WeTonglen.com and sexandrelationshiphealing.com. I have betrayed partners groups. You can find them on my website under “live workshops”
@KristinSnowden
@KristinSnowden
Thoughts/suggestions for study on situations where the person inflicting the pain genuinely doesn't believe they are doing so and they genuinely try or think they are trying to be what you need... Like they cannot see it, my perspective is a black hole. Self-martyrdom is considered putting others first, and victimizing themselves is considered being compassionate and serving others. They honestly don't see that they wait to consider me until it's become enough of a problem or created enough pain that they are now going to be a hero for coming to the table or solving the problem... How can I even approach a conversation? Is it realistic to hope that we'll eventually get to a place where my pain is seen, and the things done or said by this person is really taking into account the needs I''m expressing? Out-right blame and shame and gaslighting would be so much easier to deal with than KNOWING they are sincerely trying and CANNOT see the problem or the pattern.
relationships between humans can get messy and complicated. My two favorite sayings are "hurt people hurt people" and "pain that is not transformed is transmitted", meaning if don't clearly understand the scars and shame we're carrying around, it leaks out everywhere and others' scars and shame leak out onto us. which is why I encourage group work with others who've been on the journey to repairing these relationship struggles. So id encourage you to continue to watch these types of videos to educate yourself, but also attend support groups like 12 step meetings or other groups where they're struggling (or have struggled) in similar ways. It creates perspective, framework shifts, healthy challenges, structure, accountability, hope, and support (if done right). Wishing you the best.
@@KristinSnowdenwhy does my wife still deny it after 100 percent proof?
This is all irrelevant when you marry a narcissist in my opinion. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Hi Kristin, very nice video and I find it quite helpful as I'm going through betrayal right now.
Now, I do want to point out. Be careful please about the examples you give. They're mostly about men cheating on women and not the other way around. This may underline the idea, for every woman watching your video, that men are the general aholes that do this, when we all know it's a 50-50 game.
It is enough that a man, just as a woman, has to to through a betrayal. My wife has also an entire choir of female friends(learned it first-hand from her whatsapp messages) trying to find reasons why she was entitled to do it.
Thank you for your feedback. I try to make it a point to switch around the pronouns and examples because you’re absolutely right, women struggle with betraying behaviors as well. Sometimes I will err on one pronoun or example out of convenience or to save time but I need to be more cognizant of that.
@@KristinSnowden Thank you. You just got yourself a new subscriber. Keep up the amazing work!
I actually believe it’s more like 70/20 women betray husbands and think they are untitled.
Does a sexless marriage cause relational/betrayal trauma? What would be the best approach to deal with it if the partner does not want to change?
I'm going through the same thing!
I guess so, when the partner has strong sex desire , and their partner cannot provide them those needs, they will go to cheat you with other women or guys. But that's not the fault of the one who doesn't want sex，if both of you can’t accept each other’s choice, just leave the relationship, this is the only way to respect each other. you can’t force someone who doesn’t want sex to have sex.
Im sorry but im so sick of seeing a title that says 3 ways to heal and i have yet to hear ONE WAY AND IT IS HALF WAY THRU THE VIDEO. NOT JUST YOU LOTS OF YOU PEOPLE DO THE SAME AND ITS DRIVING ME NUTS QUOTE FRANKLYM SORRY TO VENT ON YOU BUT IF YOUR OPEN TO A LITTLE CREATUVE CRITISIM I CAN SEE WHAT YOUR TRYING TO DO HERE. BUT SAVE THAT ALL GOR ANOTHER TIMEBI CLICKED ON YOUR VIDEO TO HEAR 3 WAYS YO HEAL FROM BETRYALY NOT HERE A WHOLE MESS OF EXAMPLES THAT DONT APPLY TO ME IN SITUATIONS WHY IM TRAUMATIZED . I DONT NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT AND ITS NOT WHat your totle says maybe switch the title to y you need to heal more then your aware you do. Idk im just sick of it im sorry for the rant.
My Mom has allowed my sister to gut My soul. I can't function
Are you still living at home with your mom and sister? Are you a child?
If not, than you...yourself, ruminating, and not healing, not showing up for yourself, is hurting you just as much.
When you are imprisoned due to the past, you are a co-conspirator to your own suffering and giving your power to others, who don't deserve power.
You need to get out of your leaned helplessness and into empowerment. If you aren't living at home anymore, you don't need to deal with them anymore. You chose your own path.
If you keep revisiting the feeling of poison, and replaying the poisonous thoughts in your head...you are hurting yourself, again and again.
Facing reality means admitting what happened, feeling it, and attending to your inner child, and not depending on anyone else to fix it.
Otherwise you won't function. You need to stop a fantasy of someone coming to rescue you. You rescue yourself.
@@Alphacentauri819I read the comment up above yours because I am going through the same thing with my own mother and my stepdad I can’t function then I read your comment and this makes a lot of sense and thank you
@@islandgirl.916. 💛I wish you healing
Awe that sounds so sad. I pray for your healing. Sending you love 💕
God has forsaken me
God has forsaken me
I'm in hell
my soul is raped my soul is raped my soul is raped
rage and grief consume me
homicidal rage
suicidal grief
I'm in hell
there's no escape
he raped me he raped me he raped me
I thought he was my best friend
he raped my soul
I'm in hell and there's no escape
PTSD flashbacks rape me
My soul is raped
The past tortures and torments and haunts me
Homicidal rage
Suicidal grief
I wish only for death
I want to die I want to die I want to die
I am raped
Raped my whole life
44 years of hell and suffering and darkness
God has forsaken me
The man I revered as my best friend...
Raped me
I want to die I want to die I want to die
How the fuck is this my life at 44 years old?
Failure.
Poverty.
Friend-less.
Child-less.
Single.
Alone.
Forever always perpetually alone.
Rage and grief consume me
I'm in hell and there's no escape
Terror is the only constant
I pray for you and your recovery. I know how you feel. Please never give up on yourself. I believe in you.
Best just walk away. Wake up men. Change the locks and be happy
When I find the guy who took advantage of my wife he's gonna have a LOT of trauma.
Was she complicit?
The Bible tells us that vengeance is not ours to take.
Be careful bro. She is not worth it and he is not as well. You want to go to jail for her?
related to Edward Snowden?
You are not saying how to heal, all you are saying are the symptoms of the betrayal.
youre good but you use men as the bad example too much when its really the women
Says you!
It can be either sex I believe, I was honest and faithful to both of the women that betrayed me
@@brianreed8271yes, but mostly men is the cheater, it’s the rate, I met both men and women are also betrayers , in friendship and love relationship
Thank you! It got so bad with the manipulation and gaslighting I was at a crisis center because I lost faith in myself. We are divorcing but I'm still struggling
FINALLY SOMEONE SPEAKS THE TRUTH TO ME. AFTER YEARS AND YEARS OF SUFFERING. IT HELPS. I ALWAYS KNEW IT WASNT ME JUST WHAT IVE BEEN THRU. OH MAN OH MAN. CAN'T QUIT CRYING NOW. OH MAN I WISH YOU WERE MY FRIEND SO COULDHURTING SO BADLY. HELP. OH I NEED A FRIEND LIKE YOU, JUST TALK TO YOU. SOMEONE WHO U😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢NDERSTANDS. I'M LITERALLY SHAKING AND GETTING ANGRY THE MORE I HEAR YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH. OH MAN! SO HARD TO EXPLAIN. BUT IM SURE YOU ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN. I NEED A FRIEND WHO UNDERSTANDS. IM LITERALLY SICK. OH MY PLEASE JUST PRAY FOR ME. PLEASE. SO MUCH IVE BEEN THRU
ALWAYS. IT NEVER ENDED IN MY LIFE. PLEASE HELP ME. IM BEGGING YOU 😢
Thank you for your dedication to healing & helping people like me . ♥️🫶🏾
How do you find people in your community that have had the same experience? This is just now happening to me and my spouse is not remorseful or apologetic. He is and will be continuing to have infidelity. This is overwhelming and do not have the support system for this. I would live to find a group in my area to reach out to.
I feel for you. Been going through this myself. Mine denied and made promises of change only for me to stay 20 years to find out it was all lies. I wish I had someone to reach out to back then, it was hard to tell friends and family, felt they wouldn’t understand. I’m thinking of ideas where women can support each other going through this that is easily accessed and private. I’m divorcing now and feel I’ve learned so much.
How do you find people in your community that have had the same experience? This is just now happening to me and my spouse is not remorseful or apologetic.
Also SAnon and Alanon may be available local support for you as a betrayed partner.