She really is the BEST at expressing herself on this and many relationship topics...in my professional opinion as someone who academically educated and trained therapists and psychologists , she is the gold standard for public information about these subjects. She talks about the right issues and does so beautifully. signed a PhD academic psychologist
I read many stories of infidelity online, although I saw mine coming, but I was so stupid to realize and accept the truth, even if the red flags are everywhere. For months my wife have been suspicious about things, especially when a "NO CALLER ID" calls her. She has been up all night chatting on her phone. I have tried to find out what is going on but she always has a good excuse or reasons. I should have been more cautious earlier, but I don't want to be the husband who snoops into his wife’s things, so I had to ignore it and tell myself I was overthinking as usual. I'm still hurting and currently trying to control myself, but I had to share this with the men out there. Please never stay in a toxic marriage/relationship just for the sake of love, if your spouse doesn't bring up the same energy as you, that's a warning sign, if you have to doubt their actions, that's a warning sign. My wife of 13years cheated on me and I realized how lost I am. I tried everything to get proof for a divorce with the help of a private investigator (lanierhacks@gmail.com), and yes, I got all the details about her cheating on me for months. He was able to get me a screenshot of their conversations, call logs and locations they met each other through their chats. To be honest, I am free and happier without her. Do not tolerate cheating, it is better to leave when you have the chance. Talk to people around you, someone close to you, seek advice, there are many platforms that can help you with infidelity.
I gave everything to my marriage and all of our kids in a combined family and after all that was cheated on. So to the question can it be healed? Much of what she says is correct, but I would add this. You have to keep the bar high if you have any chance at happiness. I spent 15 years working to make her happy on a daily basis. When the infidelity was revealed it was at that point about my happiness, not hers. I got married to find greater levels of happiness, not to be miserable. I sure as hell was not going to stay in a marriage where I was miserable. So I held the bar high to ensure my happiness. She failed at every turn, choosing to manipulate and deceive rather than being accountable and remorseful. So I kicked her out and was done. I think the people that get into chronic caustic marriage relationships don't draw the lines sharp enough. Keep the bar high for your own sanity. If they choose to repair at least you'll know it's legitimate.
I agree with you. I would only consider marriage if it brought me higher happiness, not to be miserable. My boyfriend is sorry and doing all he can to repair. I pray I’m not walking into a death sentence.
@@MarshmilloJB I wish you happiness. It is ALL on him to demonstrate that his life has changed and that he truly understands the damage he created. Unfortunately the chances of him meeting the bar are very low I'm afraid. I'm sorry this happened to you. Keep the bar high.
This is really insightful for preparing oneself to enter a relationship with the person we will be with. Love is a skill, not a feeling. It starts with trust in oneself and our partner to receive trust. It takes guts and courage.
@@delmanpronto9374 there is a portion in the population who is not straight but cheated and kept a straight partner to their benefit, hiding the truth from them. I think this is more than infidelity, it could be intentional. It takes more than feelings and skills to weed them out from the pool, but perhaps after this I should really trust my gut instinct, and keep my bar high!
+Isabelle Layla I am sorry that happened. you didn't deserve that. It can only heal faster if you and yoru partner create a space for it to do so. becasue it is a healing in the relationship. If you are now alone, it will take longer, but there must now be a healign in the relationship with yourself. The pain will end, it just takes a lot of time.
Isabelle Layla - I know what you're feeling, my wife had a 5 year long affair that I discovered 11 months ago. We have a 10 year old daughter, and this incident has emotionally crippled me, it's been devestating and she has shown no remorse and refuses to talk about it
Dude, you better separate from her for your mental health. You'll suffer many more years and the pain is worse when your partner doesn't give a shit. Don't do that to yourself. Beside what lesson are you teaching your daughter, to stay in a relationship where she will be hurt? Would you like your daughter to stay in such marriage and such pain? If not, why would you? Not for her, no, cause could be worse consequences that divorce you know. What happens if you lose it one day and hurt your wife in a second of fury? It is possible you know...that happens all the time, so better put distance between you and that woman if you feel too much anger and pain it's my advice.
I totally agree with her and this concept doesn't just apply to infidelity. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a teenager by several different people. One of them approached me as an adult and sincerely apologized for his behavior. We had a long talk. He didn't attempt to lie or make any excuses for his past behavior. It ended up being a healing experience. He is the only one who I have been able to forgive and not continue to hold bad feelings for. With him, it's almost like I have been able to let the experience go. Esther is right, to heal, the one who is at fault must acknowledge the responsibility.
I got goosebumps while listening to her. She understands that pain we had. If only I could send this to the cheater. But the thought of him not being able to understand this concept is already frustrating. Then this is the moment when we pick up the broken pieces and restore ourselves again, stronger than ever.
LOL totally feel u. My cheater girlfriend failed at all 3 stages constantly, I highly doubt she has a brain by now ;/ I tried handing her all the bread crumbs, videos like this, books, blogs, discussions... some people are just too dumb for this, even though she claimed she wants to safe it ;7 Like, instead of accepting she's guilty she started blame shifting and criticising my behaviour in the relationship. And serious questions I asked about her past she simply didn't answer anymore because she felt annoyed or whatever... some people are just not made for this, they cannot handle criticism, can't communicate correctly and cannot take responsibility
What makes cheating worse is lying, I went thru hell with my ex I knew what she was doing but it took me 2 weeks of solid ranting an raving before she finally decided to fess up. It was the worst time of my life, but for her to dig her heals in an lie just made me rage
The same thing happened to me. My bf lied over & over & over and said there was nothing going on between him & a co-worker. You know in your gut they are lying. BUT the cheating is lying!!! The first time you suspected something and asked, "Are you cheating on me?" and she said yes, do you think you would feel better??!!!! A cheater is going to lie and a liar is going to cheat!!!!
@@antoinelyons5323 This was years ago. Dumped his sorry ass once I had 100% proof. I went directly to the co-worker and she told me everything. These days, I quietly take everything people say and do with a grain of salt. I think most people in general are good people but once you have experienced someone you have a relationship with who lied over & over, you look at the world a lot differently. You never forget.
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One can argue that an emotional affair isn't as bad as a physical one, but it still stings all the same. The trust is gone, and may never come back if it's not addressed.
It’s just so painful knowing how much you have invested in a relationship and all of a sudden you get heartbroken by that same relationship...I just can’t seem to forget it every time I wake up or I see him it’s just feels like he’s still talking to her am still fighting to trust him 🤦♀️
Esther you are a glowing beauty. At first I looked at my situation like I was a victim, I had been attacked, I was living a lie. Then I spent a lot of time meditating and healing myself. I let go of my own ego. It was in control of me. I now live with my ego. We go back and forth haha. I now see that the mistakes we make do not define us. It is the choices we make in all the days that follow. How we think. Feel. Experience the world. If you are in danger in your relationship please leave. Do not let someone psychologically or physically abuse you. That person has their demons and you can't fit them. If someone has made a mistake that doesn't put you in danger then you can make it through if you both want to. Make sure you're at peace.
You said it right on spot, danger is an indicator of leaving. I cant stand the constant yelling when he starts to cover up his tracks, justifying that each one is entitled to secret as it is common. I give him up because I need my peace of mind and happiness..
Isnt the exposure to stds a possible danger? Do you know how many people would beg to have known they were being cheated on in order to dodge the bullet their "beloved" aimed at their heart while having the time of his/her life cheating?
Amazing how every reaction she described as necessary after an affair (by the deceiver) is something I thought is necessary immediately after my ex told me about her affair. I recently thought that I simply expected a bit too much from a person, but I understand now - I would do it if I ever had one (not that I think of it as a possibility) . She is an ex because she lied and deceived for a long time after the affair, and simply did not try enough (if any at all).
Wow! "There are certain questions that are very important to have while the answers are better not to know". OMG That just spoke to my heart and spirit and everything. I have so many questions and curiosities but I really don't want to know the answers or details. I know for certain I'm better off without it. Many times those answers rip open wounds even more.
I think I would rather know. I want the truth so I can base my decision on that. In addition, for me I would feel like I was letting him off the hook by not having to reveal particular details. Everyone is different. Either way, good luck to all. It sucks that we are watching these videos.
I love Esther Perel while I agree with everything she has said. From personal experience it's hard to get back with the person who didn't care enough about your feelings to hurt you so badly especially when you would have been the best spouse to them. I get it forgiving is easy, but it hard to trust or even see the person the same way again. Hence, the reason I will leave a cheating partner to heal sorry I can't deal with the mental trauma.
There is a phrase she used in her book that strikes me. She says, some people have multiple marriage with the SAME person and when couples come to her after an infidelity she says to them, your first marriage is over, do you want to have another one? Powerful stuff. Infidelity can never be easy, I imagine. But difficult decisions must be made.
That's a very interesting and insightful take on infidelity! The only thing is, the 1st marriage might be over, but the 2nd marriage will be to the same person who cheated on you in the 1st marriage. The 1st marriage was to a person you THOUGHT you could trust. The 2nd marriage is to a person you ALREADY KNOW you cannot trust. So why would you enter into a (1st, 2nd, or 10th) marriage with someone you can't even trust? 🤔
I'm about to embark on my "2nd marriage" with the same person. He cheated and I am giving it another go because of the kids. I honestly don't love him anymore but he wants to try and make me fall in love with him again. I don't know if that's possible but I will do anything for my kids to not have to shuttle between two homes and disrupt their lives that way. They don't deserve to suffer the consequences of my husband's thoughtless actions.
"It is very important to not ask your partner to not bring it up because you can't tolerate feeling so bad for how bad you had made your partner feel." From expressing myself to her time and time again, she told me I'm emotionally abusive because it feels like I'm "hammering" her with what she's done. All I'm doing though is expressing myself and why I feel the way I feel. It is repetitive but I feel like there was never space made for it, instead it has pushed me away even further from wanting to express myself to her. I'm currently having so much trouble trusting my girlfriend it rips me apart almost every day. I feel like I can't even refer this video to her because she would just manipulate me even further into believing her lies. I literally have no clue what to believe. When I ask for reassurance, and she provides it, I feel like my heart and soul are getting burned by every word she says. She messed with my head so bad in just believing she wasn't doing anything. I don't even want the reassurance anymore. Everything could be a lie that comes out of her mouth (not saying everything is) but now I just question everything and it's mentally exhausting and straining. If you're reading this and are experiencing anything like this, you're not alone and I hope you make it through this.
Did you happen to read this comment? Your comment reminded me so much of me which is why I must share. “Id like to add here, that the size of your ego will play a huge part in being able to heal from being cheated on. If you have an oversized ego, it will come forward as a defense mechanism and blind you. It will distort the truth about the story you have lived, and the other persons character, and won't let you heal. You cannot just ignore your ego. You have to work on it, for it to move out of the way and let you think and feel with an open mind and heart for what it is that you should do. Regaining trust is very hard indeed, and you Il never get it back if everything is filtered by your ego. You have to see the other person for who they really are, and not what your ego decides, when it goes into survival mode.” I do sympathize with what you’re going through because it must be hard to go through that on a daily basis. to get over something you really need to do self-reflection as-well. Try and talk to her there is a reason why you are still there making the effort. Don’t give up something that you could regret for the rest of your life. It happened to me. I only say this to warn you from you. I lost the love of my life because I couldn’t get past some things he did to me although I knew I didn’t want to live without him. But I told myself and him that I was better off alone. let me tell you it has been extremely lonely these past 3 years and I think about him so much. My ego has barely subsided but still don’t have courage to talk to him again. People change if you give them the opportunity to show it. Let her. So much love and positivity your way.
@@18yzfr66I hope you let her go, by staying with a cheater, she’ll lose all respect for you. In fact, it’ll make sex with other guys better knowing you’ll forgive her, you’ve essentially given her a licence to cheat without all the guilt and fear of loss
Once maybe but twice forget it there will be a 2nd an 3rd time and all that does it starts to break u. Not worth it i choose peace of mind over paranoia and stress
This happened to me over 10 years ago. I'm still in the marriage but I have bad days. The only reason that I am still here is that she fought like hell to keep me. I can't say that saving the marriage was even the right thing to do but that is what we decided to do. Infidelity hurts everyone! I handled it OK since I'm not in JAIL!
@@jasdeepsingh7874 its mostly women who cheat. The fact that esther thinks you should lay down and take it to the forgive that person is crazy!! When women cheat ITS OVER
Why did you stay ? Thats a big mistake women often have hard time respecting men they cheat on. Do you have children together ?... get DNA TEST, she's proven she can't be trusted to insure paternity
Nah, it depends how much they fall apart with you. If they suffer just as much as you do emotionally from hurting you, and harming the marriage, then they actually fall into a category of being less likely to cheat again. They say give them a total of 12 months to show remorse, before deciding whether to stay or leave. Only if you love them of course, and you know they love you too. Yes, they can love you and cheat. I would have never believed this if someone told me this 3 years ago, but it all in their reaction to hurting you. My husband is sicker than me now 27 months later, and is in therapy over what he did to me, because he can't forgive himself and it's causing him no end of health problems. I totally trust him now. Lol, I don't think HE would survive another affair.
This was great, thanks, I have been researching "stages of dealing with infidelity" for a while now, and I think this has helped. Have you heard people talk about - Qenamilla Strayer Magnet - (do a google search ) ? Ive heard some awesome things about it and my mate got amazing success with it.
I decided to stay after my wife cheated on me three years ago. We are still together. I was a broken man, and it was not something I'd ever expected. We'd been together for 26 yrs, and I had to try to see if we could work it particularly because my wife was so remorseful and tried so hard to keep us together. I certainly wouldn't have bothered if my wife hadn't worked so hard and convinced me that she wanted to stay with me and still loved me. I know many will say, if she loved you she wouldn't have done it, but life isn't that simple, nor is love. I'll never forget it, and my heart still aches when I think about it, but each day it aches less and less while we work together on building our relationship and trust again.
She’s lost all respect for you, you will be now viewed as a “weaker,lesser” man. She’ll cheat with men that respect themselves, men who set boundaries.
She will always view you as less than for not divorcing her. Why do you dislike yourself so much to believe that you deserved to be cheated on and her not face any consequences for doing so?
Wow!!! I am so very impressed how you eloquently explained about betrayal in a relationship. Thank you . That’s just how I approached my relationship without going to a therapist . And it indeed saved our marriage. He felt my pain of being betrayed . Second chance when it happened was amazing. It saved our marriage. Thank you.
Is your marriage REALLY saved though? It's impossible to monitor your partner 24/7; you never know when they are going to cheat again. That's a permanent state of self-inflicted, anxious mental anguish that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...😩 The reality of the matter is, when people cheat they are choosing themselves over their spouse, their relationship, and their family. How can anyone be healed from knowing that they chose their partner yet their partner didn't choose them? That person is married, yet their spouse is single. What does that do to one's mental health in the future?
I d like to add here, that the size of your ego will play a huge part in being able to heal from being cheated on. If you have an oversized ego, it will come forward as a defense mechanism and blind you. It will distort the truth about the story you have lived, and the other persons character, and won't let you heal. You cannot just ignore your ego. You have to work on it, for it to move out of the way and let you think and feel with an open mind and heart for what it is that you should do. Regaining trust is very hard indeed, and you ll never get it back if everything is filtered by your ego. You have to see the other person for who they really are, and not what your ego decides, when it goes into survival mode.
I think in the end you have to ask yourself is this relationship worth saving. You hit some good points, i think if you have a bf and no kids its easier to walk away then someone whos married. Good Luck, to everyone heart break is not easy!!!
If we begin to learn that we are going into a relationship as imperfect humans and are fallible enough to make mistakes we will be prepared. Cheating is not only sleeping with someone else, it is also finding emotional satisfaction with someone other than your partner over email and text messages or even just fantasizing about doing something with another person. Most of us have limited it to just having sex with people other than our partners. If we all search ourselves we would realize we have been or are guilty in one way or the other. In my opinion forgiveness is a decision and not a feeling and the first step to saying I won't bring the issue up again. Forgetting to me is the biggest decision since memories cannot be erased so easily.
In my case, the betraying party does not think it was wrong, and he admits that he will "lie every time" to avoid any conflict. So avoiding conflict and retaining his control of everything is more important than healing our relationship. I love this video, but it presupposes that each partner is committed to healing. Perel's insight and advice are wonderful.
My husband refused to talk about his affair. He didn’t want to answer questions he didn’t see the point even after I told him I needed to talk it out, ask questions, be reassured! So we are together but that intimacy I used to have with him is gone . He’s happy and I am pretending .
You are the most important person in your life. why continue the pain? walk away it takes 18 months and you will wonder why you were ever bothered!! 5yrs they become someone that you never knew or cared about. trust me i have lived it..........
You only have one life and tomorrow is never promised to us; so don't waste today on someone that doesn't deserve it. Never settle with uncertainty and anxiety in your life, it will make you sick.
Yeah I he just want to pretened it never happened. He will probably think of cheating agian if you don't show your bounderies what you tolerate and what you don't.
Ugh. My ex did none of these things and that’s why it was so painful. The lying was the worst thing - feeling like our relationship wasn’t important to him, and me having to be the one to bring it up, worrying it wouldn’t be solved or he didn’t understand my pain. I stayed too long and he kept lying and finding cheating/emotionally cheating. I felt crazy and it made me act in ways I never imagined. Thank you for understanding this pain.
It's sometimes better to know the truth of acts because what's in your head from guessing is likely worse than what really happened and Knowing will create relief.
Your work " The state of affairs " is an enlightening reading, a piece of art. Some, in this field, will certainly benefit from your enormous collections and see alternitive reality rather than them being "yes" idols and leading the distorted sick help-seekers up the garden path and plunging them further in base activites.
I became curious and got interested watching your video when I found out that my husband cheated on me by his lies, specially when I've learned the whole definition of infidelity,seems everything is there.It hurts so much being cheated.Thanks madam Esther,well said!
After having experienced extremely devastating infidelity and then trying to make it work years ago, I don't know why anyone would stay with a cheater in the long run. In the beginning, there is hurt, confusion, anger, etc. and you are trying to figure out what to do, what not to do, which path to take or not take, questioning yourself can I ever trust this person again, maybe this, maybe that, maybe there are children involved, etc., so you stay for now.....The person cheated on is doing never ending, heart wrenching mental gymnastics with their heart ripped out and bleeding in their hand.......The cheater has literally ripped your heart out and now you have to do all of emotional work to help heal what this cheater imposed on you.... and then try to figure out how & if you can or should emotionally heal with or without the cheater........If a cheater literally cut off your hand with a sword, would that be ok? No, it wouldn't and the person would be in jail....Then why is it ok for a cheater to literally tear a person's heart out and and think they can patch things up and/or you go through mental torture to fix a relationship that will rarely ever be cured?.....My advice is always walk away. Don't ever settle for this crap. Stop talking it out. Count your losses, get out and try to move forward. Of couse, it will be extremely hard and difficult. But don't ever give the cheater, who crushed your soul, your heart and your spirit, any more of your life and time. Be rid of them, be rid of the situation and free yourself once and for all. Get a fresh start in life again. A cheater is like a sinking ship. Once a ship starts sinking, it never sails the same again and most of the time those sinking ships just fall to the bottom of the ocean. That's where the cheater belongs, too!!......I wish someone had given me this advice when I was going through all of this sh*t and talked some sense into me to just WALK AWAY. We all make choices in life. The cheater clearly made a choice to go outside of the relationship. That's not what you signed up for.
You bring up a good point with that cutting off the hand bit. I think cheating should be made illegal again. People should do some jail time for it for sure! Would make them think about what they did. How much injury they cause. A lot of suffering for them too. Even if it's only a month. There should be jail time.
Cornwall 58 waouh.... I am so traumatize by the fact that my husband cheated on me 8years ago and 6years ago. He just told me last week. I know he had change. But I cannot imagine with others women. We were together since 16years. I am so lost.
My ex we werw married 2 years he put in purpose pic of some girl o the table for me to perhaps fight for him...but i decided to pick my furniture and left him. 2 years later in court he cried his eyes out. And asked me if i i take him back i said to him i dont want you anymore. And left. My second ex cheated on me 7months after wedding i was so pissed of working long hours driving 50ml to workplace and his excuse was that i dont get dress well. Hello i was working in factory. I gave him chance to sort himself out.. he did nothing and carried on few times online cheating. . So i punched him badly as forst tome inife i lost it. He begged for me to stay i tried my best and tried to take him to therapy but he didnt want to. Well 12 years later i left and been shattered however i picked myself up and i carry on. Now i dont believe mens world
@@diehardtats6510 lot of men and women have come to this reasonable conclusion. relationships just don't work anymore. in california the divorce rate is 75%. just incredible.
There is the cheater, the womanizer and the sex addict. It’s important to know the difference. It will help with the decision to stay or flee. Knowing what I know, I would not waste my time with the last two.
So well said! I'm a therapist and I have seen marriages heal when both people want that. A fellow therapist said to a couple, "Yes, the old marriage is dead. But you can build a new one with each other." Of course it takes two to do that. This is exactly what needs to be worked through as Esther Perel so wisely says!
Get help folks. I lived with my wife’s affair in silence for twenty years, thinking it would finally go away. It didn’t, and now it has surfaced, and I am dealing with it all over again. And yes, it still hurts like it was yesterday. 😢
@@hamboner2 When you say you never dealt with it, are you saying y'all never talked about it? Never went to therapy? Never tried to make a strong effort to make it work?
Cheated once - Shame on you. Cheated twice by the same person - Shame on me. I like Esther's last statement, "One person has an affair but two people are responsible for the creation and continuity of the relationship."
always trusted and believed my boyfriend is still the one and my life partner as i really want 2 kids but still nothing. one way i tried was taking every night some natural aphrodisiacs Spanish fly and it was absolutely great sex experience
ohh. my boyfriend actually broke up with me a week ago bc he said how he cannot stand a long-distance relationship. at least i can try those drops you write about next tike with next victim
It has been 19 years. I thought it would get better. This is no way to live. There were so many. It started when we were married 53 years ago. He wants me back. He wants to pretend nothing happened and I was always the love of his life. Ha- can’t do it. Have no place to go now.. Sad
You talk about the importance for the betrayed party to ask the right questions. For example: “are you staying because of me or because it is convenient (because of family)?” My desperate question to you is: ”if trust is broken, how can one trust the answers, even if the questions are “relevant”?
That woman poses as an authority. A guru. She is not. She is pushing people to their limits. She is victim blaming. Of course you cannot trust the cheater's answers. Especially a short time after the betrayal. Of course they will lie as they lied while they were out there kissing and fondling another human. That woman is dangerous for standing against the betrayed and in favor of the betrayer.
I understand that many here would never forgive someone who cheated or restore trust. Stats say, from what I heard from this woman, is that 50% of people cheat, men and women. Which means that we are some of us in those relationships without knowing, of course, because no one discloses such information to new partners. If it was this easy, 50% of cheaters would be single and the rest in relationships, which isn't true. What she is brining to the table is a new way of understanding and building capacity for change. There are many things that can break the trust in a relationship that is terrible, not just cheating. And cheating doesn't mean having sex with someone either, it's all about the secrecy and lies and emotional involvement. It's complicated and it doesn't mean the same to every couple. 80% of the population is affected by infidelity. How do we repair that if we aren't willing to put the effort into it?! Esther is great because she's trying to help just that! Repair the broken world.
Arijana Lukic hey there , your words scare me. I mean I really would like to feel that if and when I meet someone who would steal my breath away that she is not a cheater. I would be so bothered about her previous relationships as I have these too but do I dare just ask out right if she is the cheating type?
you move the fuck on... thats how! cheating is a character problem coming from people who do not have their shit together. the cheated on has NOTHING to work with the cheater. It was never their problem to fix.....the cheater needs to stay the fuck single and stop using people to entertain their broken egos.
It’s been 2 years and 10 months since I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend at a party we went to. I read found the messages where they talked and laughed about me. We had just begun seeing each other. I’ve been able to not obsess about it because he loves me now and there’s mutual trust. But it still makes me sick when I remember it. Sometimes when we aren’t together I feel waves of hatred. I want to throw furniture, like I did when I read the messages. I’m happy but I still have to live with the overwhelming pangs of jealousy if I see a beautiful woman on the street and worry he might look at her. I don’t want to see it. I feel like I’m living with a ‘new’ person now, but the ‘old’ person is still around and haunts me ☹️
ssentongo mark i get what you’re saying, but doesn’t being afraid of the same betrayal go a bit beyond “possessive love”? They lied to me and laughed at me behind my back. I read the messages. I don’t think it’s about owning anyone. You wouldn’t want your family or friends doing something they know would hurt you deeply. It’s not that it happened, but the way it happened which was cruel.
Always wise and extremely healing to listen to Esther. She teaches us how to value ourselves, our partners and our relationships. Many thanks for all this sharings.
Tantrum aspect. There are some who don’t throw a tantrum. There is never any good reason to confront, be upset or fight to stay in a relationship with a known cheater. Moving on with no closure is always the best option.
Real curiosity and maturity. Maybe she has been a part of a betrayal MANY years ago. Maybe she is what some people would call "cold". Not all people have deep feelings. For me this is not maturity. This is just approaching the subject from an academic point of view. This is like me talking about teaching poor children in Africa while I have never been in Africa or dealt with poor children. This is like me talking about how to approach a serial killer while all my family is alive (of course the fathers, mothers, children and other people related to the victims cant have the same reaction).
Gratitude to Dr Aguiyi who broke the black magic spell that was placed on my man over 5 months ago, my Man started acting so arrogant,rude and shows no more love and care to neither me nor the kids, so i took to the internet to get qa review of what went wrong and how i could put an end to all the dramas with him and i saw a review about a Love Dr who is specific in FAMILY REUNIONS by name Dr Aguiyi who then discovered that my Man was placed under a black magic spell (VOODOO) by his Ex so Dr Aguiyi broke the black magic spell (VOODOO) out from him within 48Hours and made a love spell for us to Restore the lost love we once had and over some few days ago he did the spell all has been so cool and lovely like it was from the beginning so i know lots of women has lost there home or losing it already, seat up its not too late get that divorced Marriage or broken relationship back again, fight for your home and take the step i took and i will equally write down his direct contacts so y'all who's having same issues in your home or Relationship can do like i did to fight for what's yours. CONTACT DR AGUIYI ON Email: aguiyispellcaster@gmail.com OR WhatsApp: +2348151642717 Facebook page: facebook.com/aguiyispellcaster/
Esther Perel: "One person has an affair but two people are responsible for the creation and the continuity of their relationship." My warmest greetings from Athens, Greece... I adore you!
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
Both are hard, I see leaving as a shorter way to true freedom. Maybe follow another comment's advice. Stay with him and look for another man. Then leave him.
The answer is NO. There is no need to elaborate the answer is NO. Even if you get back together it will always be there like a blood stain that never goes away. You can bleach the stain all day everyday but as soon as you shine a black light on it the stain is still there. So No it never goes away....
God calls us to forgive. If we don't forgive, we will not be forgiven. But there has to be a repentant heart on the part of the cheater and signs that they have been changed by it.
The victims always ask, because they can't think of anything else. It's very traumatic. It was traumatic for your BF too when you found out, and all the guilty one wants to do is not think about it ever again. If he threatens to break up with you though, I would call his bluff. If he really does it, then he doesn't love you, and it's better you know earlier rather than later, because he would probably cheat on you again. Do not give him anymore power to hurt you. Seek counseling too. He has to let you talk, and answer your questions no matter how many times you need to ask them. That is part of the consequences of his actions, and it is how he helps you heal. He should want you to heal.
How beautiful and powerful is this gift of trust we give to our loved once. However so fragile and easily broken. Like a silk tread beautiful yet fragile all at the same time. May God give you the strenght you need to be whole once again.
My husband and his secret girlfriend of 5 months, ironically a married pain management doctor from Hermosa Beach, CA whose first name rhymes with Scary Ho, totally decimated all good memories of a beach I've visited since childhood. The story is that their "friendship" was purely "platonic" and they were only paddle boarding. Sure, that's why you keep it secret. She yelled at me that she had her wetsuit on all the times she was at the beach with him. It was a poor attempt to illustrate they couldn't have possibly had sex. Well, I happen to know her mouth was free so her wetsuit story is irrelevant. I wrote this poem in honor of their blessed event; Trigger Beach A poisoned arrow through the heart. A torturous trigger about to start. The beach of my youth I loved and adored, Ruined by a coward and his whore.
varstar1, I'm a man and I'm sorry for what happened to you. I *despise* cheaters with every fiber of my being - male or female. I hope you find some structured, functional path for your life, creating cute, little, new memories. Peace and good wishes from a fellow Earthling.
Joe Trava My husband made the CHOICE to cheat when he had the option to communicate to me as an adult and give me the opportunity to address whatever it was that he was unhappy with. This has nothing to do with what kind of a wife I was. I wasn’t implying I was perfect. But if you are not happy for whatever reason in your relationship, you communicate like a grown adult or leave the marriage respectfully before you go behind your spouses back. It’s selfish and cowardly. Period.
we have both cheated, but during reconciliation it became clear that each time something was missing and we were each to blame. I haven’t lost my trust, Because I’ve learnt to ask is everything okay. When everything is okay there’s not a problem. But if there is something amiss it’s obvious that needs addressing. my ego certainly wasn’t impacted because I excepted that I had failed and didn’t check in to see if my partner was okay.
You SHOULD check in with your partner to make sure they are okay. However, in the event that you fall short and you don't, your partner should COMMUNICATE WITH YOU, NOT go sleep with another person. This applies to both people. It's best that cheaters keep their antics between each other and not the faithful people of the world.
@@TomikaKelly Esther would be out of a job then………i am fascinated with how ppl stand on their moral high ground, and then get shattered by some twist of fate…….happens a lot with in the religious scene…….
My wife left in June. It was very painful, but she filed for separation not divorce and said she was committed to the marriage and wanted to go to counseling after the judge signed the separation papers. Then she slept with a guy from a bar that she took back to her apartment NYE weekend. She confessed it to me over a text at 5:30 in the morning. I was completely crushed. No remorse. She never called. Only the text. Never asked for forgiveness. Only apology was that she knew it was wrong and she was sorry and ‘wasn’t her finest moment’. That was it. The next night she went out again and rang in the new year with more dancing and drinking with friends. No remorse. I’m in therapy and have been since she left in June. I’m just trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart now. I believed her when she said she was “committed”. I had tried to get her to go to counseling for over two years. She would always tell me that I was not ready for counseling at all, so she would refuse to go with me. The abandonment and betrayal are completely brutal. I’ve had some really good sessions with my therapist the last couple times. I’ve learned that what she did isn’t about me. It’s about her and her issues that she’s never dealt with and is blaming me for those things. I’ve learned that she truly doesn’t grasp the pain she has inflicted on me and my son and may not have the capacity to at all because if she did she would have called, shown remorse, asked forgiveness, and had a desire to repair what she tore to pieces. I’ve learned that this behavior is a form of self-absorption on her part and that her priorities are obviously centered around her and her alone and it doesn’t matter to her that she hurt me because she truly didn’t even think of me when she committed the infidelity and if she did…it was purely out of contempt and didn’t care at all. Now, I must move forward. One day at a time. One moment at a time. My priorities are not centered on me, but on my son, my close friends, my amazing job, volunteering at church, getting together with solid godly men for support, and of course working on healing through therapy. I have a very long road ahead of me. The pain of this betrayal and abandonment is absolutely excruciating. But, I’m learning that I’m worth much more than the way she treated me and our marriage.
People just go around in circles cheating on each other’s !! Once you left a partner he or she goes onto the next and the next ? Vicious cycle of life ! Better stay out of everything - 😆
Absolutely brilliant. Very wise words, spoken by an extremely intelligent, open-minded, wonderful and professional woman. Thank you. I just hope that BOTH parties (subject to the aftermath of an affair) listen very carefully to your wise words, but ESPECIALLY the 'guilty' person/wrong-doer, as the onus is ABSOLUTELY on them to put 100% effort back into their relationship (whether they like it or not!), to rebuild the trust. However, it is also (absolutely) a matter of principles and trust, as to whether the 'victim' accepts the 'guilty' person's whole-hearted 'redemption' or not. If I was to have my time again (depending on which exact point in time you were to go to), and it was just after I found out my wife had cheated - I (genuinely) personally think I would have thrown her out and walked away/started again, and found someone better, with more substance/value and ultimately, more worthy of me.
I wish & hope if I cud trust him again, even I want to trust him again but it seems impossible bcz single question scratches my heart that didn't he thought once before he cheat. My love & trust ws blind I think that's why it is still hurting me crossed my soul. Death is easier thn being cheated. 💔
If I experienced infidelity by my partner that would be a deal breaker for me. While some marriages can be made whole again, most can't because the betraying partner is unwilling to do the hard work necessary to save the marriage. Denial only leaves the door open for more cheating.
Wow your answer is very insightful... i betrayed my partners trust in a different way but it feels the same. I up until seeing this lady i had ABSOLUTLY no idea how to handle this situation, but i am going to try and do it better for everything that we went through, it is worth a try.
My ex was having an affair, after the 1st acknowledge, she said she felt embarrassed for talking and meeting this guy on my back, and i gave her opportunity to "fix this", i changed, corrected most of my flaws that led to her lose interest. after 4 months found out she never cutted contact, she kept talking and meeting with him, now on his house... i dumped her, she says she regrets hurting me, but im sure she is not regret of having an affair with that other guy, because right after i left her, and she cried for being dumped, she is now having a sexual affair with that guy. This is how i know its impossible to accept her back, for her, the affair compensated. She will learn the lesson, but im not waiting for her, she already destroyed my faith on woman's...
Trust can never be healed after infidelity. Dont trust the people who say you need to forgive. That wont work. Not even for you. You have all the right to never forgive. People need to understand you are valuable.
Don’t ask for details, if you really want to work things out! Nearly three years later, we’re still together and I’m happy now, but the details still come in waves and make me sick. I can understand why it happened and forgive it... but I wish I wouldn’t be reminded of what happened every time I hear a certain word or visit a certain place where I know something happened.
Not a chance that the Trust would or could ever return. What on this earth could be so great that I would waste another moment of my life in a tainted relationship by dealing with a person that is so low and classless that they seek to hurt the person they "supposedly" love in such a way. You can never undo that damage, your whole life will be spent wondering either why they did it or if and or when they are going to do it to you again. It's a choice to be faithful to another, a choice you make out of loving someone more then you love your own selfish desires. It's a choice not to risk what two have built, It's a choice not to risk bringing them home a disease from a stranger. It's a choice to act like an adult and not like a child and to either be grown enough to be open and honest with your wants and desires or at least honest enough to leave if you fall out of love with them before you run off and get down and dirty with someone else to "check your own feelings". They are all choices in life, Infidelity is a choice where one decides to put themselves and their needs above their partner with zero concern for them or their well being. Cheating is never an accident, it's not a mistake it's a choice. If that toxic cesspool you are speaking of is love then I would rather live my entire life alone and die single, then to deal with such a shallow, weak willed and small minded vile creature as my other half. I've been on the receiving end of someone else making that choice before. It did not or would matter none how long we were together or what we had built, the minute you wander out. You belong to the street from that point on. My only job at that point is figuring out if I need to wreck your entire life to ash or not. And that is your choice as well based on how you deal with your failure. I pride myself on being a man of my word, which is why I warn women from the very start of my Zero Tolerance Policy for Cheaters. If you cheat and come home right after and admit it before you so much as touch me again, you are out on the curb. Don't ever speak to me again in public or private, pack your shit and go. It's for your own safety. If you cheat and then lie about it and I catch you red handed, find out later or find out via third party. You can bet every red cent in your account that I am going to invest my time and cash flow into ruining both you and the affair partners life in such a Nuclear fashion that you and them will never live that down. Your work will know, your entire extended family will know, every social circle you are in will be torn apart with the fall out of being near you. I figure it like this, if you can't be enough of an adult to show someone you supposedly love enough respect to be honest with them. Then you don't deserve the right to be treated like an adult either. Because you never truly loved them to begin with. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes. I am fully aware that "no one is perfect", and that people are going to mess up and hurt you unintentionally. But I am also aware that infidelity is a choice. It's very different from oops I broke your favorite dish cause I lost my grip or shrunk your cloths by accident. And a very childish one at that. If you want to act like you are single then be an adult and stand on your own two feet and accept all the responsibilities of being single. But don't run around and act like a spoiled entitled child and expect the person you harm to forgive you. That is probably the worst level of entitlement out there. The world has no need for people that damage the word love by using it as a poison for selfish gains, it has enough problems already. I've met enough toxic vile creatures in this life to know that the only way to deal with them is to give them back what they offer you ten fold until they are so broken that they have to fight every moment to carry on. Then and only then we might be on even ground again.
"an eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind." not defending the person who cheated.. but just saying that 'giving them back what they offer you ten fold until they are so broken' doesn't have to be the only way to react to them.. sometimes the act of leaving in and of itself is enough 🤷 the most hurtful thing you can do to anyone is to genuinely not care.. and that alone can leave someone feeling more broken than getting 'punished.' just offering a different perspective 😇❤
@@JinAndSodaTV He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad. There are only three types of people in this world from my perspective, those people in my inner circle working towards a common goal, the people working on goals opposing mine, and everyone else who isn't relevant to my life, so I pay them no mind and leave them alone to live their lives as long as they leave me alone in exchange. In other words, the very moment I realize that someone isn't on my team with both our best interests at heart they are forever placed into the metaphorical cemetery of people that don't matter in the slightest to me. They are free to wreck their own life, cry out, bleed, starve and die in the street for all I care. As long as they stay away from me and my inner circle than I don't give a crap what happens to them. That said should I ever see their face again and they make the mistake of speaking at me than the only thing I have left for them is terror and their own suffering and despair. Because should they dare orbit into my realm of existence I considerate it a direct act of war and I will always respond accordingly. I've watched a lot of women wreck their own lives, met lots of liars and cheaters that are now either in the grave, on hardcore psychiatric drugs, self-medicating and dancing around a pole trying to cope with their own bad choices in life, forever in a shrink's office or ended up dead from making stupid decision after stupid decision. Every adult is free to chase their dream they are also in that spirit free to wreck their own life. The one made the mistake of trying to talk to me in a grocery store with her new husband and toddler not long ago, so I made sure to reply to her hello at top lung with her full name in front of her new husband and toddler to make sure he and that child both understood that she was a Lying, Cheating, Drug Addict in front of the whole store. The look of shock on his face and the terror in her eyes were rather tasty. It made me wonder if she ever told him the truth of who she is when she met him. By the look on his face, I would say she has some explaining to do to that poor man. It's important in life to make sure that foolish people realize you won't put up with their stupidity. Otherwise, you're just condoning it to them and making them think that their actions are ok and forgivable. It rather simple math from my end I don't ask for forgiveness, and I will never offer it to anyone. If they want that they can take it up with whatever supreme power that they believe created them because forgiveness isn't my job. Indifference on the other hand I will offer too all people freely, If I realize for a moment you don't care about me than there is zero reason that I need to care about you. I'm a simple guy like that. As an adult you are free to make any choice you want, but as an adult I am also free to drop you like a rock and not put up with it.
The trouble is the cheater(ex husband) in my case continued to lie. He’d left the relationship emotionally years before, so there was no repairing possible.
I have really enjoyed hearing your videos. However, one topic I haven't heard about is when a relationship fails after an affair. What's the process of healing and moving on? I'd love to hear your recommendation.
Infidelity is usually seen as a character flaw. But it is mostly a design flaw. If after marriage the human is designed to: * recognize humans of the opposite sex can still be attractive * very attractive humans of the opposite sex can still find you very attractive * with time you find that the relationship with your partner becomes duller * relationship with other attractive human can be extremely pleasing * Doing things in secret can be quite exciting * etc. It is clear that if you were a cold, objective, logic based person you could predict with almost certainty that infidelity is common, infidelity was common in the past, and infidelity will continue to be common in the future irrespective of society or culture. It is also evident that it will always be painful for the person that is cheated on, so this will be a never ending topic.
Can someone please explain to me how you can continue to love someone who has cheated on you? The ultimate act of disrespect. I removed the toxic creature from my life at lightning speed.
Restoring trust is aspect that has to be restored. However, the loss of respect is another. An affair does not happen on accident. It most likely started with the loss of respect for the other person’s feelings, you’ll have to dig deep to figure out why you lost respect for them.
This is so on the point it is almost unreal. In my case (and my partners, hers) it wasnt about infidelity per se, but rather about lying... but the trust was broken fully nevertheless. What i needed to hear months ago, was exactly this video. If I did, i could have done more to save our relationship. Without the right knowledge though, i wasnt able to support my betrayed partner enough. And now, there is just so big gap between us that building a bridge just seems impossible.
If a person does not believe that trust can be rebuilt, then that person's will is to end the relationship and trust will not grow. If a person does believe that trust can grow again, then that person's will makes it possible for trust to grow from forgiveness. For a relationship to grow, both people must choose this act of the will, where trust and forgiveness in a marriage are more important than justice and control for the individual.
I let my ex-wife go after 23 years she emotionally and physically cheated, and I was not going to live with that kind of disrespect even though three years later she wanted to come back, but there was a part of me that I gave, but I never forgot, and once a person shows who they are believe themso I was more content with walking away. It was just better for my mental and physical health.
This was beautiful. I’m in love w intimacy. For me the need to know is the only way for me to release the trauma fully. Unfortunately for me, I’ve chosen to be w someone who I realize now is constantly lying, deceiving and betraying me. What a fool I have been. And still holding a loving, understanding space for her, while she continues to deny cover up and betray me. I feel hurt for her, what must have happened to her that she would disgrace herself like this, and be so cold hearted to a man who has loved her so completely, so deeply, so thoroughly devoted. I don’t think I can continue allowing her to do this. I cannot control what she does to herself, but I can choose to love myself and take better care of myself than this. Heartbreaking though. She’s the only woman I have ever wanted to marry. That is hard to let go of.
I hope you find the person who appreciates these quality of yours and I hope you both will be able to have a reciprocating, selfless and happy marriage with each other. I hope you really find a great woman in your life.
I can understand your situation to a good extent. What I realised after going through this is that we don't have control over the other person's life, all we can do is hope, expect besides giving the person a good, welcoming space. For rest of the part, let the life happen. Analyze and understand the situation and yourself and remember we are all full of flaws, not every person is strong and people evolve in a direction they want to.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work , all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
I trusted him so much. A part of me died the day I found out, "gutting" best describes it. I had a mental breakdown but recovered.Everyday I mourn that death. Four years into my recovery and a month after birthing him a son he gutted me again. I see him doing all the necesarry work he didn't do the first time to save our strained marriage. Some days are better, others are sheer hell. I dont understand how someone claims to love another person yet breaks their world apart multiple times. I understand why the Bible meted out capital punishment for adultery, its because adultery and murder are equivalent. They literally kill
Once they cheat they will again. I have both female and male friends cheating over and over. Most are staying for their kids and want their spouse to leave them.
„Once you live with the answer, it means that you have to live with the consequences of knowing.“ - Wow… What a sentence. Words of wisdom.
She really is the BEST at expressing herself on this and many relationship topics...in my professional opinion as someone who academically educated and trained therapists and psychologists , she is the gold standard for public information about these subjects. She talks about the right issues and does so beautifully. signed a PhD academic psychologist
She really is! She eloquently simplifies relationship complexities so beautifully.
@@akherashepsutera2013 bbb
@@leeroycoleman7303???
I read many stories of infidelity online, although I saw mine coming, but I was so stupid to realize and accept the truth, even if the red flags are everywhere.
For months my wife have been suspicious about things, especially when a "NO CALLER ID" calls her.
She has been up all night chatting on her phone. I have tried to find out what is going on but she always has a good excuse or reasons.
I should have been more cautious earlier, but I don't want to be the husband who snoops into his wife’s things, so I had to ignore it and tell myself I was overthinking as usual.
I'm still hurting and currently trying to control myself, but I had to share this with the men out there.
Please never stay in a toxic marriage/relationship just for the sake of love, if your spouse doesn't bring up the same energy as you, that's a warning sign, if you have to doubt their actions, that's a warning sign.
My wife of 13years cheated on me and I realized how lost I am. I tried everything to get proof for a divorce with the help of a private investigator (lanierhacks@gmail.com), and yes, I got all the details about her cheating on me for months. He was able to get me a screenshot of their conversations, call logs and locations they met each other through their chats.
To be honest, I am free and happier without her.
Do not tolerate cheating, it is better to leave when you have the chance. Talk to people around you, someone close to you, seek advice, there are many platforms that can help you with infidelity.
Listening to her reminded me of my pain. Got teary eyed there for a bit.
Don't loose hope
💓
i don't think there is any point in reposing trust in women these days. they are a lost cause. simply better to work on yourself.
Give us an update, @Kevin RR
Omg I did too lol good stuff
I gave everything to my marriage and all of our kids in a combined family and after all that was cheated on. So to the question can it be healed? Much of what she says is correct, but I would add this. You have to keep the bar high if you have any chance at happiness. I spent 15 years working to make her happy on a daily basis. When the infidelity was revealed it was at that point about my happiness, not hers. I got married to find greater levels of happiness, not to be miserable. I sure as hell was not going to stay in a marriage where I was miserable. So I held the bar high to ensure my happiness. She failed at every turn, choosing to manipulate and deceive rather than being accountable and remorseful. So I kicked her out and was done. I think the people that get into chronic caustic marriage relationships don't draw the lines sharp enough. Keep the bar high for your own sanity. If they choose to repair at least you'll know it's legitimate.
Betray is most bad THING that you can do to a person
I agree with you. I would only consider marriage if it brought me higher happiness, not to be miserable. My boyfriend is sorry and doing all he can to repair. I pray I’m not walking into a death sentence.
@@MarshmilloJB I wish you happiness. It is ALL on him to demonstrate that his life has changed and that he truly understands the damage he created. Unfortunately the chances of him meeting the bar are very low I'm afraid. I'm sorry this happened to you. Keep the bar high.
@@thomaswoods1365 aww thank you, Thomas. I will keep the bar high.
@@PATH918 no matter what the ratinal you still cant wipe away that feeling
“The actual gutting that can be experienced.”
Yeah ..... the pain is so real, and is quite physical.
This is really insightful for preparing oneself to enter a relationship with the person we will be with. Love is a skill, not a feeling. It starts with trust in oneself and our partner to receive trust. It takes guts and courage.
whatever. marriage rates keep hitting new lows in the meanwhile.
@@delmanpronto9374 there is a portion in the population who is not straight but cheated and kept a straight partner to their benefit, hiding the truth from them. I think this is more than infidelity, it could be intentional. It takes more than feelings and skills to weed them out from the pool, but perhaps after this I should really trust my gut instinct, and keep my bar high!
Cheating kills a relationship
The pain of being cheated is worst than anyone can imagine.
Is the pain ever going to end?
+Isabelle Layla I am sorry that happened. you didn't deserve that. It can only heal faster if you and yoru partner create a space for it to do so. becasue it is a healing in the relationship. If you are now alone, it will take longer, but there must now be a healign in the relationship with yourself. The pain will end, it just takes a lot of time.
Isabelle Layla - I know what you're feeling, my wife had a 5 year long affair that I discovered 11 months ago. We have a 10 year old daughter, and this incident has emotionally crippled me, it's been devestating and she has shown no remorse and refuses to talk about it
Dude, you better separate from her for your mental health. You'll suffer many more years and the pain is worse when your partner doesn't give a shit.
Don't do that to yourself. Beside what lesson are you teaching your daughter, to stay in a relationship where she will be hurt? Would you like your daughter to stay in such marriage and such pain? If not, why would you? Not for her, no, cause could be worse consequences that divorce you know. What happens if you lose it one day and hurt your wife in a second of fury? It is possible you know...that happens all the time, so better put distance between you and that woman if you feel too much anger and pain it's my advice.
Isabelle Layla five years! My god. I didnt think an affair last that long. I just found out my husband had an affair. I am ripped to pieces.
Deniz H ...my advice you deserve better .
Let go move foward and don't look back.
I totally agree with her and this concept doesn't just apply to infidelity. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a teenager by several different people. One of them approached me as an adult and sincerely apologized for his behavior. We had a long talk. He didn't attempt to lie or make any excuses for his past behavior. It ended up being a healing experience. He is the only one who I have been able to forgive and not continue to hold bad feelings for. With him, it's almost like I have been able to let the experience go. Esther is right, to heal, the one who is at fault must acknowledge the responsibility.
I got goosebumps while listening to her. She understands that pain we had. If only I could send this to the cheater. But the thought of him not being able to understand this concept is already frustrating. Then this is the moment when we pick up the broken pieces and restore ourselves again, stronger than ever.
biggest revenge is finding self and moving on. Cheater cheat for control.... take it back and do you. Stop wishing on lost cause
@@yvettenunez6238 What made you think I'm on for revenge? 😅
LOL totally feel u. My cheater girlfriend failed at all 3 stages constantly, I highly doubt she has a brain by now ;/ I tried handing her all the bread crumbs, videos like this, books, blogs, discussions... some people are just too dumb for this, even though she claimed she wants to safe it ;7 Like, instead of accepting she's guilty she started blame shifting and criticising my behaviour in the relationship. And serious questions I asked about her past she simply didn't answer anymore because she felt annoyed or whatever... some people are just not made for this, they cannot handle criticism, can't communicate correctly and cannot take responsibility
@@yvettenunez6238not true.
What makes cheating worse is lying, I went thru hell with my ex I knew what she was doing but it took me 2 weeks of solid ranting an raving before she finally decided to fess up. It was the worst time of my life, but for her to dig her heals in an lie just made me rage
Did you ever get past the lying?
The same thing happened to me. My bf lied over & over & over and said there was nothing going on between him & a co-worker. You know in your gut they are lying. BUT the cheating is lying!!! The first time you suspected something and asked, "Are you cheating on me?" and she said yes, do you think you would feel better??!!!! A cheater is going to lie and a liar is going to cheat!!!!
R G how are you recovering from it
@@antoinelyons5323 This was years ago. Dumped his sorry ass once I had 100% proof. I went directly to the co-worker and she told me everything. These days, I quietly take everything people say and do with a grain of salt. I think most people in general are good people but once you have experienced someone you have a relationship with who lied over & over, you look at the world a lot differently. You never forget.
My husband did this. But it was over a month and each week it seemed a new affair was revealed by my digging. 4 total. So devastated.
For me.....trust has completely disappeared never to return.
Keg ...my answer answers all ur answers if u try to aknoledge it
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Mee too
Esther, thank you. I felt compelled to write a comment to simply thank you for two reasons: 1. for acquiring this knowledge and 2. for sharing it.
One can argue that an emotional affair isn't as bad as a physical one, but it still stings all the same. The trust is gone, and may never come back if it's not addressed.
You can’t have a physical without feeling emotion. Emotional affair is just rephrase of fucking. Which is fucking with a cherry on top
For me an emotional affair is worse....more deep .....
The worst is when it's emotional AND sexual. 😭
It’s just so painful knowing how much you have invested in a relationship and all of a sudden you get heartbroken by that same relationship...I just can’t seem to forget it every time I wake up or I see him it’s just feels like he’s still talking to her am still fighting to trust him 🤦♀️
Peace Patrick you should move on im going to end mine too this week because i can't take the sleepless nights and paranoia anymore
I feel you!
Esther you are a glowing beauty.
At first I looked at my situation like I was a victim, I had been attacked, I was living a lie.
Then I spent a lot of time meditating and healing myself. I let go of my own ego. It was in control of me. I now live with my ego. We go back and forth haha.
I now see that the mistakes we make do not define us. It is the choices we make in all the days that follow. How we think. Feel. Experience the world.
If you are in danger in your relationship please leave. Do not let someone psychologically or physically abuse you. That person has their demons and you can't fit them.
If someone has made a mistake that doesn't put you in danger then you can make it through if you both want to. Make sure you're at peace.
Thank you so much for your comment it gives me so much hope
You said it right on spot, danger is an indicator of leaving. I cant stand the constant yelling when he starts to cover up his tracks, justifying that each one is entitled to secret as it is common. I give him up because I need my peace of mind and happiness..
I'm wishing the best for everyone, 💕
Isnt the exposure to stds a possible danger? Do you know how many people would beg to have known they were being cheated on in order to dodge the bullet their "beloved" aimed at their heart while having the time of his/her life cheating?
Her voice is so calming she truly makes it feel like things will be alright.
Amazing how every reaction she described as necessary after an affair (by the deceiver) is something I thought is necessary immediately after my ex told me about her affair.
I recently thought that I simply expected a bit too much from a person, but I understand now - I would do it if I ever had one (not that I think of it as a possibility) .
She is an ex because she lied and deceived for a long time after the affair, and simply did not try enough (if any at all).
Wow! "There are certain questions that are very important to have while the answers are better not to know". OMG That just spoke to my heart and spirit and everything. I have so many questions and curiosities but I really don't want to know the answers or details. I know for certain I'm better off without it. Many times those answers rip open wounds even more.
I made the mistake of finding out too much. ...it's killing me ..reminders are every where....completely broken
I feel the opposite...the more I know the better I can stand...doubt is worst I feel...
So the solution is mantain the secrecy? ... How can someone Forgive something that he/she doesnt know?
I think I would rather know. I want the truth so I can base my decision on that. In addition, for me I would feel like I was letting him off the hook by not having to reveal particular details. Everyone is different. Either way, good luck to all. It sucks that we are watching these videos.
CHiiQ ...my answer answers all ur answers if u try to aknoledge it
I love Esther Perel while I agree with everything she has said. From personal experience it's hard to get back with the person who didn't care enough about your feelings to hurt you so badly especially when you would have been the best spouse to them. I get it forgiving is easy, but it hard to trust or even see the person the same way again. Hence, the reason I will leave a cheating partner to heal sorry I can't deal with the mental trauma.
There is a phrase she used in her book that strikes me. She says, some people have multiple marriage with the SAME person and when couples come to her after an infidelity she says to them, your first marriage is over, do you want to have another one?
Powerful stuff. Infidelity can never be easy, I imagine. But difficult decisions must be made.
I'm not married but I absolutely agree.
Hi, is the book you're talking about The State of Affairs?
That's a very interesting and insightful take on infidelity!
The only thing is, the 1st marriage might be over, but the 2nd marriage will be to the same person who cheated on you in the 1st marriage. The 1st marriage was to a person you THOUGHT you could trust. The 2nd marriage is to a person you ALREADY KNOW you cannot trust. So why would you enter into a (1st, 2nd, or 10th) marriage with someone you can't even trust? 🤔
I'm about to embark on my "2nd marriage" with the same person. He cheated and I am giving it another go because of the kids. I honestly don't love him anymore but he wants to try and make me fall in love with him again. I don't know if that's possible but I will do anything for my kids to not have to shuttle between two homes and disrupt their lives that way. They don't deserve to suffer the consequences of my husband's thoughtless actions.
What do you deserve? @@kbay907
She is so spot on, the pain, grief, turmoil of when I get intrusive thoughts…flood me and bring me down like I have never felt. This shit sucks.. 😢
The betrayal is pure hell
The pain is very very difficult for me.. God helps me
I hope recovered, because I am going thru the same and it's killing me.
@@bmxion It sounds like he didn't know when he fixed the bed.
@Danny Deal is she still your "wife"? what the hell.
"It is very important to not ask your partner to not bring it up because you can't tolerate feeling so bad for how bad you had made your partner feel." From expressing myself to her time and time again, she told me I'm emotionally abusive because it feels like I'm "hammering" her with what she's done. All I'm doing though is expressing myself and why I feel the way I feel. It is repetitive but I feel like there was never space made for it, instead it has pushed me away even further from wanting to express myself to her. I'm currently having so much trouble trusting my girlfriend it rips me apart almost every day. I feel like I can't even refer this video to her because she would just manipulate me even further into believing her lies. I literally have no clue what to believe. When I ask for reassurance, and she provides it, I feel like my heart and soul are getting burned by every word she says. She messed with my head so bad in just believing she wasn't doing anything. I don't even want the reassurance anymore. Everything could be a lie that comes out of her mouth (not saying everything is) but now I just question everything and it's mentally exhausting and straining. If you're reading this and are experiencing anything like this, you're not alone and I hope you make it through this.
I hope i’ll make it through. I hope we all make it through.
Did you happen to read this comment? Your comment reminded me so much of me which is why I must share.
“Id like to add here, that the size of your ego will play a huge part in being able to heal from being cheated on. If you have an oversized ego, it will come forward as a defense mechanism and blind you. It will distort the truth about the story you have lived, and the other persons character, and won't let you heal. You cannot just ignore your ego. You have to work on it, for it to move out of the way and let you think and feel with an open mind and heart for what it is that you should do. Regaining trust is very hard indeed, and you Il never get it back if
everything is filtered by your ego. You have to see the other person for who they really are, and not what your ego decides, when it goes into survival mode.” I do sympathize with what you’re going through because it must be hard to go through that on a daily basis. to get over something you really need to do self-reflection as-well. Try and talk to her there is a reason why you are still there making the effort. Don’t give up something that you could regret for the rest of your life. It happened to me. I only say this to warn you from you. I lost the love of my life because I couldn’t get past some things he did to me although I knew I didn’t want to live without him. But I told myself and him that I was better off alone. let me tell you it has been extremely lonely these past 3 years and I think about him so much. My ego has barely subsided but still don’t have courage to talk to him again. People change if you give them the opportunity to show it. Let her. So much love and positivity your way.
Bruv she got clapped knowing you her man.
She also knew your a cuck and will take her back.
No remorse
@@omarcybersecsoftware7494 essentially I was. I told her it was okay to treat me however she wanted. Fuck it bro, you live and you learn.
@@18yzfr66I hope you let her go, by staying with a cheater, she’ll lose all respect for you. In fact, it’ll make sex with other guys better knowing you’ll forgive her, you’ve essentially given her a licence to cheat without all the guilt and fear of loss
Once maybe but twice forget it there will be a 2nd an 3rd time and all that does it starts to break u. Not worth it i choose peace of mind over paranoia and stress
One is enough
This happened to me over 10 years ago. I'm still in the marriage but I have bad days. The only reason that I am still here is that she fought like hell to keep me. I can't say that saving the marriage was even the right thing to do but that is what we decided to do. Infidelity hurts everyone! I handled it OK since I'm not in JAIL!
You should have left her you have made a big mistake by staying.
@@jasdeepsingh7874 its mostly women who cheat. The fact that esther thinks you should lay down and take it to the forgive that person is crazy!! When women cheat ITS OVER
Why did you stay ? Thats a big mistake women often have hard time respecting men they cheat on.
Do you have children together ?... get DNA TEST, she's proven she can't be trusted to insure paternity
Wow, the amount of hate in these responses, please read the new book of Esther, you will gain a new perspective, well I hope you do.
@@VarnasBaltas these comments are not hateful. They are truthful. A liar tells more than one lie.
If he/she cheated once, there's always the fear its gonna be done again...The trust is broken...
Monica, I believe once trust is broken, it cannot be repaired. The end.
Nah, it depends how much they fall apart with you. If they suffer just as much as you do emotionally from hurting you, and harming the marriage, then they actually fall into a category of being less likely to cheat again. They say give them a total of 12 months to show remorse, before deciding whether to stay or leave. Only if you love them of course, and you know they love you too. Yes, they can love you and cheat. I would have never believed this if someone told me this 3 years ago, but it all in their reaction to hurting you. My husband is sicker than me now 27 months later, and is in therapy over what he did to me, because he can't forgive himself and it's causing him no end of health problems. I totally trust him now. Lol, I don't think HE would survive another affair.
Monica Ada. ...my answer answers all ur answers if u try to aknoledge it
This was great, thanks, I have been researching "stages of dealing with infidelity" for a while now, and I think this has helped. Have you heard people talk about - Qenamilla Strayer Magnet - (do a google search ) ? Ive heard some awesome things about it and my mate got amazing success with it.
Again do and never end 100% very truth
I decided to stay after my wife cheated on me three years ago. We are still together. I was a broken man, and it was not something I'd ever expected. We'd been together for 26 yrs, and I had to try to see if we could work it particularly because my wife was so remorseful and tried so hard to keep us together. I certainly wouldn't have bothered if my wife hadn't worked so hard and convinced me that she wanted to stay with me and still loved me. I know many will say, if she loved you she wouldn't have done it, but life isn't that simple, nor is love.
I'll never forget it, and my heart still aches when I think about it, but each day it aches less and less while we work together on building our relationship and trust again.
She’s lost all respect for you, you will be now viewed as a “weaker,lesser” man. She’ll cheat with men that respect themselves, men who set boundaries.
She will always view you as less than for not divorcing her. Why do you dislike yourself so much to believe that you deserved to be cheated on and her not face any consequences for doing so?
@@standground8284 it is not that simple
Wow!!! I am so very impressed how you eloquently explained about betrayal in a relationship. Thank you . That’s just how I approached my relationship without going to a therapist . And it indeed saved our marriage. He felt my pain of being betrayed . Second chance when it happened was amazing. It saved our marriage. Thank you.
Is your marriage REALLY saved though?
It's impossible to monitor your partner 24/7; you never know when they are going to cheat again. That's a permanent state of self-inflicted, anxious mental anguish that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...😩
The reality of the matter is, when people cheat they are choosing themselves over their spouse, their relationship, and their family. How can anyone be healed from knowing that they chose their partner yet their partner didn't choose them? That person is married, yet their spouse is single. What does that do to one's mental health in the future?
You’ve proven your worth, now he’ll cheat knowing you’ll take him back. He may even love your friend more than he loves you
I d like to add here, that the size of your ego will play a huge part in being able to heal from being cheated on. If you have an oversized ego, it will come forward as a defense mechanism and blind you. It will distort the truth about the story you have lived, and the other persons character, and won't let you heal. You cannot just ignore your ego. You have to work on it, for it to move out of the way and let you think and feel with an open mind and heart for what it is that you should do. Regaining trust is very hard indeed, and you ll never get it back if everything is filtered by your ego. You have to see the other person for who they really are, and not what your ego decides, when it goes into survival mode.
I agree 100 percent
Beautifully put!
you need to dump the cheater and move on....period
What you really need to do is have some self respect
@@RahulRoy-lu2df you assume i do not ?
I think in the end you have to ask yourself is this relationship worth saving. You hit some good points, i think if you have a bf and no kids its easier to walk away then someone whos married. Good Luck, to everyone heart break is not easy!!!
If we begin to learn that we are going into a relationship as imperfect humans and are fallible enough to make mistakes we will be prepared. Cheating is not only sleeping with someone else, it is also finding emotional satisfaction with someone other than your partner over email and text messages or even just fantasizing about doing something with another person. Most of us have limited it to just having sex with people other than our partners. If we all search ourselves we would realize we have been or are guilty in one way or the other. In my opinion forgiveness is a decision and not a feeling and the first step to saying I won't bring the issue up again. Forgetting to me is the biggest decision since memories cannot be erased so easily.
Well said!!
A "mistake" is forgetting to grab the milk at the grocery store, NOT sleeping with another person... Infidelity IS a DECISION, NOT a "mistake."
Amen
Once a cheater always a cheater, men are catching on to this, it has created a single mother epidemic
In my case, the betraying party does not think it was wrong, and he admits that he will "lie every time" to avoid any conflict. So avoiding conflict and retaining his control of everything is more important than healing our relationship. I love this video, but it presupposes that each partner is committed to healing. Perel's insight and advice are wonderful.
My husband refused to talk about his affair. He didn’t want to answer questions he didn’t see the point even after I told him I needed to talk it out, ask questions, be reassured! So we are together but that intimacy I used to have with him is gone . He’s happy and I am pretending .
j. mie Unlisted oh honey don’t pretend. If he won’t even talk about it you can leave. You deserve real happiness.
Seek help. You both need it.
Never pretend.
You are the most important person in your life. why continue the pain? walk away it takes 18 months and you will wonder why you were ever bothered!! 5yrs they become someone that you never knew or cared about. trust me i have lived it..........
You only have one life and tomorrow is never promised to us; so don't waste today on someone that doesn't deserve it.
Never settle with uncertainty and anxiety in your life, it will make you sick.
Yeah I he just want to pretened it never happened. He will probably think of cheating agian if you don't show your bounderies what you tolerate and what you don't.
Ugh. My ex did none of these things and that’s why it was so painful. The lying was the worst thing - feeling like our relationship wasn’t important to him, and me having to be the one to bring it up, worrying it wouldn’t be solved or he didn’t understand my pain. I stayed too long and he kept lying and finding cheating/emotionally cheating. I felt crazy and it made me act in ways I never imagined. Thank you for understanding this pain.
It's sometimes better to know the truth of acts because what's in your head from guessing is likely worse than what really happened and Knowing will create relief.
I disagree, cheaters don’t deserve closure. A conversation with cheaters are meaningless, plus they’re already tired from lying to you enough.
I loved this. As the cheater and idiot who blew up our world and home, I only pray that she will watch this with an open mind someday
You had the option to dump her, become single and then pursue the person you cheated with. Why do cheaters prefer to make simple things complicated.
Your work " The state of affairs " is an enlightening reading, a piece of art. Some, in this field, will certainly benefit from your enormous collections and see alternitive reality rather than them being "yes" idols and leading the distorted sick help-seekers up the garden path and plunging them further in base activites.
I became curious and got interested watching your video when I found out that my husband cheated on me by his lies, specially when I've learned the whole definition of infidelity,seems everything is there.It hurts so much being cheated.Thanks madam Esther,well said!
After having experienced extremely devastating infidelity and then trying to make it work years ago, I don't know why anyone would stay with a cheater in the long run. In the beginning, there is hurt, confusion, anger, etc. and you are trying to figure out what to do, what not to do, which path to take or not take, questioning yourself can I ever trust this person again, maybe this, maybe that, maybe there are children involved, etc., so you stay for now.....The person cheated on is doing never ending, heart wrenching mental gymnastics with their heart ripped out and bleeding in their hand.......The cheater has literally ripped your heart out and now you have to do all of emotional work to help heal what this cheater imposed on you.... and then try to figure out how & if you can or should emotionally heal with or without the cheater........If a cheater literally cut off your hand with a sword, would that be ok? No, it wouldn't and the person would be in jail....Then why is it ok for a cheater to literally tear a person's heart out and and think they can patch things up and/or you go through mental torture to fix a relationship that will rarely ever be cured?.....My advice is always walk away. Don't ever settle for this crap. Stop talking it out. Count your losses, get out and try to move forward. Of couse, it will be extremely hard and difficult. But don't ever give the cheater, who crushed your soul, your heart and your spirit, any more of your life and time. Be rid of them, be rid of the situation and free yourself once and for all. Get a fresh start in life again. A cheater is like a sinking ship. Once a ship starts sinking, it never sails the same again and most of the time those sinking ships just fall to the bottom of the ocean. That's where the cheater belongs, too!!......I wish someone had given me this advice when I was going through all of this sh*t and talked some sense into me to just WALK AWAY. We all make choices in life. The cheater clearly made a choice to go outside of the relationship. That's not what you signed up for.
You bring up a good point with that cutting off the hand bit. I think cheating should be made illegal again. People should do some jail time for it for sure! Would make them think about what they did. How much injury they cause. A lot of suffering for them too. Even if it's only a month. There should be jail time.
correct answer
Illegal? You guys are nuts. And your ego needs a reality check
I still have ptsd from 12 years ago when my marriage imploded
Cornwall 58 waouh.... I am so traumatize by the fact that my husband cheated on me 8years ago and 6years ago. He just told me last week. I know he had change. But I cannot imagine with others women. We were together since 16years. I am so lost.
Cornwall 58 I can never forget this betrayal....
I can well believe it
My ex we werw married 2 years he put in purpose pic of some girl o the table for me to perhaps fight for him...but i decided to pick my furniture and left him. 2 years later in court he cried his eyes out. And asked me if i i take him back i said to him i dont want you anymore. And left. My second ex cheated on me 7months after wedding i was so pissed of working long hours driving 50ml to workplace and his excuse was that i dont get dress well. Hello i was working in factory. I gave him chance to sort himself out.. he did nothing and carried on few times online cheating. . So i punched him badly as forst tome inife i lost it. He begged for me to stay i tried my best and tried to take him to therapy but he didnt want to. Well 12 years later i left and been shattered however i picked myself up and i carry on. Now i dont believe mens world
@@diehardtats6510 lot of men and women have come to this reasonable conclusion. relationships just don't work anymore. in california the divorce rate is 75%. just incredible.
There is the cheater, the womanizer and the sex addict. It’s important to know the difference. It will help with the decision to stay or flee.
Knowing what I know, I would not waste my time with the last two.
So well said! I'm a therapist and I have seen marriages heal when both people want that. A fellow therapist said to a couple, "Yes, the old marriage is dead. But you can build a new one with each other." Of course it takes two to do that. This is exactly what needs to be worked through as Esther Perel so wisely says!
That was well said
Mok* Bathroom never dies *bathroom lover 69 I’m life coach how things going for you
Mok* Bathroom never dies *bathroom lover 69 what did you do to be bad
Get help folks. I lived with my wife’s affair in silence for twenty years, thinking it would finally go away. It didn’t, and now it has surfaced, and I am dealing with it all over again. And yes, it still hurts like it was yesterday. 😢
How did it surface 20 years later?
Prayers man...
Been there but I left
@@Frenchyk, just never dealt with it to begin with. Got depressed about something else, my defenses were down, and it all came rushing back.
@@hamboner2 When you say you never dealt with it, are you saying y'all never talked about it? Never went to therapy? Never tried to make a strong effort to make it work?
Cheated once - Shame on you.
Cheated twice by the same person - Shame on me.
I like Esther's last statement, "One person has an affair but two people are responsible for the creation and continuity of the relationship."
always trusted and believed my boyfriend is still the one and my life partner as i really want 2 kids but still nothing. one way i tried was taking every night some natural aphrodisiacs Spanish fly and it was absolutely great sex experience
ohh. my boyfriend actually broke up with me a week ago bc he said how he cannot stand a long-distance relationship. at least i can try those drops you write about next tike with next victim
my boyfriend gave me those natural aphrodisiacs as a gift and we’re really happy and our relationship grows since we regularly use it
Break's my heart every day. Left me lost and not wanting to live anymore.
NEVER allow someone else that much power over you. Lose everything, but DON'T lose yourself.
I'm sorry ❤
It has been 19 years. I thought it would get better. This is no way to live. There were so many. It started when we were married 53 years ago. He wants me back. He wants to pretend nothing happened and I was always the love of his life. Ha- can’t do it. Have no place to go now.. Sad
You talk about the importance for the betrayed party to ask the right questions.
For example: “are you staying because of me or because it is convenient (because of family)?”
My desperate question to you is: ”if trust is broken, how can one trust the answers, even if the questions are “relevant”?
That woman poses as an authority. A guru. She is not. She is pushing people to their limits. She is victim blaming. Of course you cannot trust the cheater's answers. Especially a short time after the betrayal. Of course they will lie as they lied while they were out there kissing and fondling another human. That woman is dangerous for standing against the betrayed and in favor of the betrayer.
Esther,you saved my life
I understand that many here would never forgive someone who cheated or restore trust. Stats say, from what I heard from this woman, is that 50% of people cheat, men and women. Which means that we are some of us in those relationships without knowing, of course, because no one discloses such information to new partners. If it was this easy, 50% of cheaters would be single and the rest in relationships, which isn't true. What she is brining to the table is a new way of understanding and building capacity for change. There are many things that can break the trust in a relationship that is terrible, not just cheating. And cheating doesn't mean having sex with someone either, it's all about the secrecy and lies and emotional involvement. It's complicated and it doesn't mean the same to every couple.
80% of the population is affected by infidelity. How do we repair that if we aren't willing to put the effort into it?! Esther is great because she's trying to help just that! Repair the broken world.
Arijana Lukic hey there , your words scare me. I mean I really would like to feel that if and when I meet someone who would steal my breath away that she is not a cheater. I would be so bothered about her previous relationships as I have these too but do I dare just ask out right if she is the cheating type?
very true
you move the fuck on... thats how! cheating is a character problem coming from people who do not have their shit together. the cheated on has NOTHING to work with the cheater. It was never their problem to fix.....the cheater needs to stay the fuck single and stop using people to entertain their broken egos.
Everything she says is so true. Very good advise. Very helpful.
It’s been 2 years and 10 months since I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend at a party we went to. I read found the messages where they talked and laughed about me. We had just begun seeing each other.
I’ve been able to not obsess about it because he loves me now and there’s mutual trust. But it still makes me sick when I remember it. Sometimes when we aren’t together I feel waves of hatred. I want to throw furniture, like I did when I read the messages.
I’m happy but I still have to live with the overwhelming pangs of jealousy if I see a beautiful woman on the street and worry he might look at her. I don’t want to see it.
I feel like I’m living with a ‘new’ person now, but the ‘old’ person is still around and haunts me ☹️
ssentongo mark i get what you’re saying, but doesn’t being afraid of the same betrayal go a bit beyond “possessive love”? They lied to me and laughed at me behind my back. I read the messages. I don’t think it’s about owning anyone. You wouldn’t want your family or friends doing something they know would hurt you deeply. It’s not that it happened, but the way it happened which was cruel.
ElektraRaven have you considered therapy for yourself
That's deep.
If there's no trust then the relationship has no meaning. you better leave him. you'll save yourself from lot of trauma
Always wise and extremely healing to listen to Esther. She teaches us how to value ourselves, our partners and our relationships. Many thanks for all this sharings.
Jessica Morales, you look gorgeous
She models real curiosity and maturity , versus the tantrum aspect that many want to stay in.
Tantrum aspect. There are some who don’t throw a tantrum. There is never any good reason to confront, be upset or fight to stay in a relationship with a known cheater. Moving on with no closure is always the best option.
Real curiosity and maturity. Maybe she has been a part of a betrayal MANY years ago. Maybe she is what some people would call "cold". Not all people have deep feelings.
For me this is not maturity. This is just approaching the subject from an academic point of view. This is like me talking about teaching poor children in Africa while I have never been in Africa or dealt with poor children. This is like me talking about how to approach a serial killer while all my family is alive (of course the fathers, mothers, children and other people related to the victims cant have the same reaction).
I an a marriage counselor: in my experience the answer is YES!! Also, there are many forms of infidelity that are not sexual or romantic.
Gratitude to Dr Aguiyi who broke the black magic spell that was placed on my man over 5 months ago, my Man started acting so arrogant,rude and shows no more love and care to neither me nor the kids, so i took to the internet to get qa review of what went wrong and how i could put an end to all the dramas with him and i saw a review about a Love Dr who is specific in FAMILY REUNIONS by name Dr Aguiyi who then discovered that my Man was placed under a black magic spell (VOODOO) by his Ex so Dr Aguiyi broke the black magic spell (VOODOO) out from him within 48Hours and made a love spell for us to Restore the lost love we once had and over some few days ago he did the spell all has been so cool and lovely like it was from the beginning so i know lots of women has lost there home or losing it already, seat up its not too late get that divorced Marriage or broken relationship back again, fight for your home and take the step i took and i will equally write down his direct contacts so y'all who's having same issues in your home or Relationship can do like i did to fight for what's yours. CONTACT DR AGUIYI ON Email: aguiyispellcaster@gmail.com OR WhatsApp: +2348151642717
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Esther Perel: "One person has an affair but two people are responsible for the creation and the continuity of their relationship." My warmest greetings from Athens, Greece... I adore you!
Oh please, any 6 year old could have come up with that.
i will never understand cheating....
Man I know smh, on the bright side it says we are not fucked in the head like the cheaters because the pain they cause is literally soul murder.
That's because you choose not to understand it. Understanding doesn't equal justification. It's the only way to resolve making such mistakes.
Its very easy to understand, most women raise their sons to be sort of men they would cheat on.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
@@parrotshootist3004 Can you expound? I’m curious what you mean by this... It’s not clear to me.
My dad did it to my mom over and over again.It only served to strengthen my resolve to never go there.Its never worth the destruction it causes.
It’s happening to me right now. Easy to leave but hard to stay
Both are hard, I see leaving as a shorter way to true freedom. Maybe follow another comment's advice. Stay with him and look for another man. Then leave him.
The answer is NO. There is no need to elaborate the answer is NO. Even if you get back together it will always be there like a blood stain that never goes away. You can bleach the stain all day everyday but as soon as you shine a black light on it the stain is still there. So No it never goes away....
God calls us to forgive. If we don't forgive, we will not be forgiven. But there has to be a repentant heart on the part of the cheater and signs that they have been changed by it.
One time was a dealbreaker for me
This made me cry. I always ask questions and can't seem to stop and my partner gets annoyed and threatens to break up with me
The victims always ask, because they can't think of anything else. It's very traumatic. It was traumatic for your BF too when you found out, and all the guilty one wants to do is not think about it ever again. If he threatens to break up with you though, I would call his bluff. If he really does it, then he doesn't love you, and it's better you know earlier rather than later, because he would probably cheat on you again. Do not give him anymore power to hurt you. Seek counseling too. He has to let you talk, and answer your questions no matter how many times you need to ask them. That is part of the consequences of his actions, and it is how he helps you heal. He should want you to heal.
Can't even fathom why you even stayed. I would've packed my bags the minute I found out. I never waste time on people who disrespect me.
Kulsuma Begum ...my answer answers all ur answers if u try to aknoledge it
It sounds like he doesn't respect you. Leave that a**hole
How beautiful and powerful is this gift of trust we give to our loved once. However so fragile and easily broken. Like a silk tread beautiful yet fragile all at the same time.
May God give you the strenght you need to be whole once again.
My husband and his secret girlfriend of 5 months, ironically a married pain management doctor from Hermosa Beach, CA whose first name rhymes with Scary Ho, totally decimated all good memories of a beach I've visited since childhood. The story is that their "friendship" was purely "platonic" and they were only paddle boarding. Sure, that's why you keep it secret. She yelled at me that she had her wetsuit on all the times she was at the beach with him. It was a poor attempt to illustrate they couldn't have possibly had sex. Well, I happen to know her mouth was free so her wetsuit story is irrelevant.
I wrote this poem in honor of their blessed event;
Trigger Beach
A poisoned arrow through the heart.
A torturous trigger about to start.
The beach of my youth I loved and adored,
Ruined by a coward and his whore.
varstar1 ...my answer answers all ur answers if u try to aknoledge it
varstar1 so painful yet beautifully expressed.
varstar1,
I'm a man and I'm sorry for what happened to you. I *despise* cheaters with every fiber of my being - male or female. I hope you find some structured, functional path for your life, creating cute, little, new memories.
Peace and good wishes from a fellow Earthling.
Joe Trava My husband made the CHOICE to cheat when he had the option to communicate to me as an adult and give me the opportunity to address whatever it was that he was unhappy with. This has nothing to do with what kind of a wife I was. I wasn’t implying I was perfect. But if you are not happy for whatever reason in your relationship, you communicate like a grown adult or leave the marriage respectfully before you go behind your spouses back. It’s selfish and cowardly. Period.
Progress and Peace 1 Thank you so much for your kind words. Best wishes to you.
we have both cheated, but during reconciliation it became clear that each time something was missing and we were each to blame.
I haven’t lost my trust, Because I’ve learnt to ask is everything okay.
When everything is okay there’s not a problem. But if there is something amiss it’s obvious that needs addressing.
my ego certainly wasn’t impacted because I excepted that I had failed and didn’t check in to see if my partner was okay.
You SHOULD check in with your partner to make sure they are okay. However, in the event that you fall short and you don't, your partner should COMMUNICATE WITH YOU, NOT go sleep with another person. This applies to both people. It's best that cheaters keep their antics between each other and not the faithful people of the world.
@@TomikaKelly Esther would be out of a job then………i am fascinated with how ppl stand on their moral high ground, and then get shattered by some twist of fate…….happens a lot with in the religious scene…….
My wife left in June. It was very painful, but she filed for separation not divorce and said she was committed to the marriage and wanted to go to counseling after the judge signed the separation papers. Then she slept with a guy from a bar that she took back to her apartment NYE weekend. She confessed it to me over a text at 5:30 in the morning. I was completely crushed. No remorse. She never called. Only the text. Never asked for forgiveness. Only apology was that she knew it was wrong and she was sorry and ‘wasn’t her finest moment’. That was it. The next night she went out again and rang in the new year with more dancing and drinking with friends. No remorse. I’m in therapy and have been since she left in June. I’m just trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart now. I believed her when she said she was “committed”. I had tried to get her to go to counseling for over two years. She would always tell me that I was not ready for counseling at all, so she would refuse to go with me. The abandonment and betrayal are completely brutal. I’ve had some really good sessions with my therapist the last couple times. I’ve learned that what she did isn’t about me. It’s about her and her issues that she’s never dealt with and is blaming me for those things. I’ve learned that she truly doesn’t grasp the pain she has inflicted on me and my son and may not have the capacity to at all because if she did she would have called, shown remorse, asked forgiveness, and had a desire to repair what she tore to pieces. I’ve learned that this behavior is a form of self-absorption on her part and that her priorities are obviously centered around her and her alone and it doesn’t matter to her that she hurt me because she truly didn’t even think of me when she committed the infidelity and if she did…it was purely out of contempt and didn’t care at all.
Now, I must move forward. One day at a time. One moment at a time. My priorities are not centered on me, but on my son, my close friends, my amazing job, volunteering at church, getting together with solid godly men for support, and of course working on healing through therapy. I have a very long road ahead of me. The pain of this betrayal and abandonment is absolutely excruciating. But, I’m learning that I’m worth much more than the way she treated me and our marriage.
If Trust is broken .... Quick fix!!
Move on •
Too many quick fixes today
People just go around in circles cheating on each other’s !! Once you left a partner he or she goes onto the next and the next ? Vicious cycle of life ! Better stay out of everything - 😆
Absolutely!!!!!
Absolutely brilliant. Very wise words, spoken by an extremely intelligent, open-minded, wonderful and professional woman. Thank you. I just hope that BOTH parties (subject to the aftermath of an affair) listen very carefully to your wise words, but ESPECIALLY the 'guilty' person/wrong-doer, as the onus is ABSOLUTELY on them to put 100% effort back into their relationship (whether they like it or not!), to rebuild the trust. However, it is also (absolutely) a matter of principles and trust, as to whether the 'victim' accepts the 'guilty' person's whole-hearted 'redemption' or not. If I was to have my time again (depending on which exact point in time you were to go to), and it was just after I found out my wife had cheated - I (genuinely) personally think I would have thrown her out and walked away/started again, and found someone better, with more substance/value and ultimately, more worthy of me.
I wish & hope if I cud trust him again, even I want to trust him again but it seems impossible bcz single question scratches my heart that didn't he thought once before he cheat. My love & trust ws blind I think that's why it is still hurting me crossed my soul. Death is easier thn being cheated. 💔
Bhupinder P ...my answer answers all ur answers if u try to aknoledge it
It gets better with time. Plus always remember that you are gold and no matter how it is treated, gold never loses its value.
This is some of the most valuable advice on the subject matter.
Communications is everything kids
If I experienced infidelity by my partner that would be a deal breaker for me. While some marriages can be made whole again, most can't because the betraying partner is unwilling to do the hard work necessary to save the marriage. Denial only leaves the door open for more cheating.
Halsted Willoughby well said my friend..
Wow your answer is very insightful... i betrayed my partners trust in a different way but it feels the same. I up until seeing this lady i had ABSOLUTLY no idea how to handle this situation, but i am going to try and do it better for everything that we went through, it is worth a try.
Trust is like virginity. Once it’s lost it is gone forever.
Once they cheat it will NEVER be the same but people who choose to stay made a choice and commit to that choice.
My ex was having an affair, after the 1st acknowledge, she said she felt embarrassed for talking and meeting this guy on my back, and i gave her opportunity to "fix this", i changed, corrected most of my flaws that led to her lose interest. after 4 months found out she never cutted contact, she kept talking and meeting with him, now on his house... i dumped her, she says she regrets hurting me, but im sure she is not regret of having an affair with that other guy, because right after i left her, and she cried for being dumped, she is now having a sexual affair with that guy. This is how i know its impossible to accept her back, for her, the affair compensated. She will learn the lesson, but im not waiting for her, she already destroyed my faith on woman's...
I just found yor channel and really i am sooooo happy and lucky ! I admire you soooo much ! My respect from Greece
Trust can never be healed after infidelity. Dont trust the people who say you need to forgive. That wont work. Not even for you. You have all the right to never forgive. People need to understand you are valuable.
It’s sad because every female friend of mine has cheated on their boyfriends/husbands.
Exactly
Don’t ask for details, if you really want to work things out! Nearly three years later, we’re still together and I’m happy now, but the details still come in waves and make me sick.
I can understand why it happened and forgive it... but I wish I wouldn’t be reminded of what happened every time I hear a certain word or visit a certain place where I know something happened.
Not a chance that the Trust would or could ever return. What on this earth could be so great that I would waste another moment of my life in a tainted relationship by dealing with a person that is so low and classless that they seek to hurt the person they "supposedly" love in such a way. You can never undo that damage, your whole life will be spent wondering either why they did it or if and or when they are going to do it to you again.
It's a choice to be faithful to another, a choice you make out of loving someone more then you love your own selfish desires. It's a choice not to risk what two have built, It's a choice not to risk bringing them home a disease from a stranger.
It's a choice to act like an adult and not like a child and to either be grown enough to be open and honest with your wants and desires or at least honest enough to leave if you fall out of love with them before you run off and get down and dirty with someone else to "check your own feelings". They are all choices in life, Infidelity is a choice where one decides to put themselves and their needs above their partner with zero concern for them or their well being.
Cheating is never an accident, it's not a mistake it's a choice.
If that toxic cesspool you are speaking of is love then I would rather live my entire life alone and die single, then to deal with such a shallow, weak willed and small minded vile creature as my other half.
I've been on the receiving end of someone else making that choice before. It did not or would matter none how long we were together or what we had built, the minute you wander out. You belong to the street from that point on. My only job at that point is figuring out if I need to wreck your entire life to ash or not. And that is your choice as well based on how you deal with your failure.
I pride myself on being a man of my word, which is why I warn women from the very start of my Zero Tolerance Policy for Cheaters.
If you cheat and come home right after and admit it before you so much as touch me again, you are out on the curb. Don't ever speak to me again in public or private, pack your shit and go. It's for your own safety.
If you cheat and then lie about it and I catch you red handed, find out later or find out via third party. You can bet every red cent in your account that I am going to invest my time and cash flow into ruining both you and the affair partners life in such a Nuclear fashion that you and them will never live that down. Your work will know, your entire extended family will know, every social circle you are in will be torn apart with the fall out of being near you.
I figure it like this, if you can't be enough of an adult to show someone you supposedly love enough respect to be honest with them. Then you don't deserve the right to be treated like an adult either. Because you never truly loved them to begin with. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes.
I am fully aware that "no one is perfect", and that people are going to mess up and hurt you unintentionally. But I am also aware that infidelity is a choice.
It's very different from oops I broke your favorite dish cause I lost my grip or shrunk your cloths by accident. And a very childish one at that.
If you want to act like you are single then be an adult and stand on your own two feet and accept all the responsibilities of being single.
But don't run around and act like a spoiled entitled child and expect the person you harm to forgive you. That is probably the worst level of entitlement out there. The world has no need for people that damage the word love by using it as a poison for selfish gains, it has enough problems already.
I've met enough toxic vile creatures in this life to know that the only way to deal with them is to give them back what they offer you ten fold until they are so broken that they have to fight every moment to carry on. Then and only then we might be on even ground again.
I love this!!!
"an eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind." not defending the person who cheated.. but just saying that 'giving them back what they offer you ten fold until they are so broken' doesn't have to be the only way to react to them.. sometimes the act of leaving in and of itself is enough 🤷 the most hurtful thing you can do to anyone is to genuinely not care.. and that alone can leave someone feeling more broken than getting 'punished.' just offering a different perspective 😇❤
@@JinAndSodaTV He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.
There are only three types of people in this world from my perspective, those people in my inner circle working towards a common goal, the people working on goals opposing mine, and everyone else who isn't relevant to my life, so I pay them no mind and leave them alone to live their lives as long as they leave me alone in exchange.
In other words, the very moment I realize that someone isn't on my team with both our best interests at heart they are forever placed into the metaphorical cemetery of people that don't matter in the slightest to me.
They are free to wreck their own life, cry out, bleed, starve and die in the street for all I care. As long as they stay away from me and my inner circle than I don't give a crap what happens to them.
That said should I ever see their face again and they make the mistake of speaking at me than the only thing I have left for them is terror and their own suffering and despair. Because should they dare orbit into my realm of existence I considerate it a direct act of war and I will always respond accordingly.
I've watched a lot of women wreck their own lives, met lots of liars and cheaters that are now either in the grave, on hardcore psychiatric drugs, self-medicating and dancing around a pole trying to cope with their own bad choices in life, forever in a shrink's office or ended up dead from making stupid decision after stupid decision. Every adult is free to chase their dream they are also in that spirit free to wreck their own life.
The one made the mistake of trying to talk to me in a grocery store with her new husband and toddler not long ago, so I made sure to reply to her hello at top lung with her full name in front of her new husband and toddler to make sure he and that child both understood that she was a Lying, Cheating, Drug Addict in front of the whole store. The look of shock on his face and the terror in her eyes were rather tasty. It made me wonder if she ever told him the truth of who she is when she met him. By the look on his face, I would say she has some explaining to do to that poor man.
It's important in life to make sure that foolish people realize you won't put up with their stupidity. Otherwise, you're just condoning it to them and making them think that their actions are ok and forgivable.
It rather simple math from my end I don't ask for forgiveness, and I will never offer it to anyone. If they want that they can take it up with whatever supreme power that they believe created them because forgiveness isn't my job.
Indifference on the other hand I will offer too all people freely, If I realize for a moment you don't care about me than there is zero reason that I need to care about you. I'm a simple guy like that.
As an adult you are free to make any choice you want, but as an adult I am also free to drop you like a rock and not put up with it.
Not my trust. Once it's gone I'm walking away.
She is so fucking on point on how people feel it’s fucking amazing. She is onnnnnnn poinnnnnt
The trouble is the cheater(ex husband) in my case continued to lie. He’d left the relationship emotionally years before, so there was no repairing possible.
I have really enjoyed hearing your videos. However, one topic I haven't heard about is when a relationship fails after an affair. What's the process of healing and moving on? I'd love to hear your recommendation.
Thank you so much for putting this into words, let alone doing so as succinctly as you have. Thank you.
Its hard to deal once the trust is broked but somehow you can able to trust it again to the right person.
Nope
Infidelity is usually seen as a character flaw.
But it is mostly a design flaw.
If after marriage the human is designed to:
* recognize humans of the opposite sex can still be attractive
* very attractive humans of the opposite sex can still find you very attractive
* with time you find that the relationship with your partner becomes duller
* relationship with other attractive human can be extremely pleasing
* Doing things in secret can be quite exciting
* etc.
It is clear that if you were a cold, objective, logic based person you could predict with almost certainty that infidelity is common, infidelity was common in the past, and infidelity will continue to be common in the future irrespective of society or culture.
It is also evident that it will always be painful for the person that is cheated on, so this will be a never ending topic.
Can someone please explain to me how you can continue to love someone who has cheated on you? The ultimate act of disrespect. I removed the toxic creature from my life at lightning speed.
Restoring trust is aspect that has to be restored. However, the loss of respect is another. An affair does not happen on accident. It most likely started with the loss of respect for the other person’s feelings, you’ll have to dig deep to figure out why you lost respect for them.
Men are not made for monogamy.... It's that simple.
This is so very helpful much needed now in my relationship
This is so on the point it is almost unreal. In my case (and my partners, hers) it wasnt about infidelity per se, but rather about lying... but the trust was broken fully nevertheless. What i needed to hear months ago, was exactly this video. If I did, i could have done more to save our relationship. Without the right knowledge though, i wasnt able to support my betrayed partner enough. And now, there is just so big gap between us that building a bridge just seems impossible.
If a person does not believe that trust can be rebuilt, then that person's will is to end the relationship and trust will not grow. If a person does believe that trust can grow again, then that person's will makes it possible for trust to grow from forgiveness. For a relationship to grow, both people must choose this act of the will, where trust and forgiveness in a marriage are more important than justice and control for the individual.
I let my ex-wife go after 23 years she emotionally and physically cheated, and I was not going to live with that kind of disrespect even though three years later she wanted to come back, but there was a part of me that I gave, but I never forgot, and once a person shows who they are believe themso I was more content with walking away. It was just better for my mental and physical health.
This was beautiful. I’m in love w intimacy. For me the need to know is the only way for me to release the trauma fully. Unfortunately for me, I’ve chosen to be w someone who I realize now is constantly lying, deceiving and betraying me. What a fool I have been. And still holding a loving, understanding space for her, while she continues to deny cover up and betray me. I feel hurt for her, what must have happened to her that she would disgrace herself like this, and be so cold hearted to a man who has loved her so completely, so deeply, so thoroughly devoted. I don’t think I can continue allowing her to do this. I cannot control what she does to herself, but I can choose to love myself and take better care of myself than this. Heartbreaking though. She’s the only woman I have ever wanted to marry. That is hard to let go of.
I hope you find the person who appreciates these quality of yours and I hope you both will be able to have a reciprocating, selfless and happy marriage with each other. I hope you really find a great woman in your life.
I can understand your situation to a good extent. What I realised after going through this is that we don't have control over the other person's life, all we can do is hope, expect besides giving the person a good, welcoming space. For rest of the part, let the life happen. Analyze and understand the situation and yourself and remember we are all full of flaws, not every person is strong and people evolve in a direction they want to.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work , all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
Sorry you can forgive and move on but you can never forget.........the scar remains.
Leave the deceiver. That's all.
You miss out on Esther’s important points.
FACTS
@@OilPainter01 nah he saying the rite thing LEAVE THE DECEIVER THATS ALL
I trusted him so much. A part of me died the day I found out, "gutting" best describes it. I had a mental breakdown but recovered.Everyday I mourn that death.
Four years into my recovery and a month after birthing him a son he gutted me again. I see him doing all the necesarry work he didn't do the first time to save our strained marriage. Some days are better, others are sheer hell. I dont understand how someone claims to love another person yet breaks their world apart multiple times. I understand why the Bible meted out capital punishment for adultery, its because adultery and murder are equivalent. They literally kill
I tried these steps, his remorse lasted one year, then he was back again to old habits :(
Once they cheat they will again. I have both female and male friends cheating over and over. Most are staying for their kids and want their spouse to leave them.
That's why u never take the person back u take them back u get played with cuz they don't respect u frfr just leave get someone that's for U
@@lf9341 terrible just complete toxic B's
Once he cheats, divorce him.
You don't need a series of podcasts to determine this.
People who cheat in relationships, its never a one time deal. People who cheat, were habituated at an early age, from observing parents mostly likely.
It's hard to trust a person again once they cheat cuz u definitely got a black heart for them ND will never forget what they did
It all dependent on how he respects me at the first place.