I want to clarify something that I didn’t explain well and that seems to be misunderstood by some people. When I mention to teach real empathy, what I mean is this: a lot of people have sympathy instead of empathy and they are not even aware of it. I wasn’t for example. If you talk about a problem you face to someone like a friend, they may try to make you feel better and say things like: “oh but it’s not that bad because…” or “don’t worry, I’ve had the same problem once” or “well let’s go do something fun to change your mind” or “let me help, how can I fix this for you?” Even though they mean well, this is sympathy, but not empathy. You may still feel alone and not understood, even though that friend is trying to help. Real empathy requires a deeper connection where that friend really listens, tries to imagine what you are really feeling and doesn’t come up with a solution but tries to just be there for you. This, in my humble opinion, is something we can learn to be better at. It’s not something we have or don’t have. We can learn to listen and figure out: what do you really need now? We can learn to really connect, to not come up with a solution or try to make that person feel better (which is what they were doing in my examples), but to just be there for them. The thing is, in this example it would help your friend if you’d say that that’s what you need, instead of them trying to fix it for you or make you feel better (if that’s the case of course). I feel that we, in a good relationship, should explain to our partner what it is we need to feel loved and supported so we can both grow and become better at loving and supporting each other.
Great advice ☺️. I Find all of your advices are spot on. I do want to get your insight about this guy.. Well this guy is my childhood highschool crush.. ever since we graduated I've moved to a big city so far away from our home town..and now working. We are friends on facebook but did not connect until years and years..one time we chatted on facebook and flirted when I ask him if he has a gf.. he didn't say yes.and he didn't deny it either. So I stalk his fb and he has a gf. So i stop talking to him..and to be honest he never reach out. So I continue with my life.. he still watch and follow all of my Stories and my days though. But I started to notice fb has become toxic so I deactivated my fb for a month.. after that I posted my selfie and after viewing it he unfollowed me.. I know it sound pitty but I was kinda hurt you know..any insight Sir?
@@6-cats since Brian didn't reply... I'm gonna just insert my two cents here. I'm not sure what your NEW profile picture looked like when you returned, but if it looked in any way fake, not like you typically look, trying too hard to impress, sexy, for example for some men even showing a bit too much cleavage and makeup and hair done just so, facial expression as well, may be a total turn off. Especially if you DID already make the first move by broaching the gf subject. He is looking at you thru different eyes now. More critical. Or, it may be he discussed the topic with the gf and she feels insecure and when you deactivated your fb she may have been relieved. But seeing you were back, and possibly looking really good in your pics may have triggered her insecurity and pressured him to unfriend or whatever. These are the reasons I can think of, but I'm not a guy! Hope this helps...and, if he really were your friend none of this would have mattered. He would still be your friend. I'd advise you just move on and not even dwell on it. There are bigger problems that you should be more concerned about...tho I do understand it did trigger a bit of insecurity on your part to have someone do that. I have learned that people come and people go, and the ones who matter will always stay or when you do have differences, they will make their way back to you or you them. The others don't really matter. It will only keep you in your head going insane. Just shake it off and move on. Make new friends!
- Use humour in conversation - Energising activities (road trip, sports, bonding through comedies/scary films) - Slowly teach him your emotional connection activities (talking, needing to vent, etc.)
I think, as a woman, men should invest more in their own personal growth. I have been in 3 longtime relationships, thinking i can teach them but when they do not invest in themselves there is no teaching only heartache for me. I learned a lot, living on my own now, no more teaching when a new relationship should arrive. Rather be alone and happy😊
It's up to them to teach themselves. It's not your job to teach them so they can be better for the next person. Helping someone is not supposed to get you hurt.
While I agree with your general premise, just remember that every woman is also different. When men learn, they tend to be specific (A+B = C), they use logic and equations vs. seeing the grey and nuance in between (that’s a woman’s gift & skill). So, even if they learn on their own, they will always need direction and specifics on what’s important to YOU and what works for you… it won’t be the same as the previous woman… sometimes not even close!
The thing is many issues within yourself won’t be illuminated unless there’s relationships to shine the light on them. Not just romantic, parent-child and friendships also are included. That’s part of being juman is helping each other grow and be the best versions of ourselves. Women as much as men too
I get where your coming from. I've tried teaching n a few times all I got was they messed up n leave just to do better in the next relationship. How was that fair to me? So I decided it's better to be alone than lonely.
I've had the talks, too many in fact, and I am mentally exhausted. I am on a large scale more unhappy than I was by myself. That is something I can't ignore anymore. It's important to put ourselves on the list of importance.
And what I have realized is we can't do squat about it unless they want to. There's absolutely nothing we can do if they refuse to see what's wrong, or seek help or work on themselves.
If they don't collaborate stop trying and let things play out. If they care about you they must put effort as well. If they're not willing to do that, why waste your time? You'd be well on your way to misery and overwhelm. You can't carry all the weight by yourself. Stay strong girlfriend. You've got this ❤️🙏
Men with sisters often are better at dealing with their emotions. It all depends on how they're raised and if they've had good relationships with their dads and women. We can listen to them and try to encourage their emotions but I'm not sure if I could teach a 50-something man empathy. Personalities are pretty much set by the time you're 5 years old. I learned that while working in child protection services.
@Lennie Minder Nope. Honesty is still the best policy. SOME women will turn it on you, not all. I'm sorry, it sounds like you have given up on women. Nobody should say "All men are..." or "All women are..." because it's never true.
i dont think its up to the partners to teach men empathy. I think we can help men buuut I do think that men should do that work on their own first. I wholeheartedly believe that therapy can do wonders for someone and can teach someone how to open up
na people don't care about men feelings ,women be saying they want men that are able to express emotion but when he does it she use it against him ,been their done that.
Julia Roberts said that it's not women's job to be an emotional rehab center for poorly raised men. That we need a partner not a project to take care of. I mean we have already so much to deal with..other than we need to do this and that all day or we won't get the love, attention and respect from our little man-child. I say be a man and deal for real or step outta the way!
I think a lot of these can apply for women who are emotionally shut down, too. I’m a childhood abuse survivor, and can be extremely emotionally shut down at times.
To me I think that we should all be looking to date someone who is emotionally mature instead of trying to teach someone to be emotionally mature. I feel that it's something people need to learn on their own and that your significant other shouldn't be responsible for teaching you. I want to fall in love with someone as they are not who I "mold" them to be.
If you have to be a parent to your partner in any way, it will ruin your relationship. Be supportive, of course. But if you’re not a fully grown adult person, you shouldn’t be in a fully grown adult relationship anyway.
Change is inevitable. We are as a being not set in stone and we shift constantly between roles, like the mother, the woman or the daughter. Being too strict and dogmatic about being mature, is the reason why ppl leave each other in an eyeblink instead of also growing with each other in patience, love and benevolence.
@@seabreeze4559lol just cos I want my SO to feel safe to tell me things he’s otherwise unable to express? I’m sorry you were hurt in your childhood. Seek help
Been there done that got the t-shirt. Good advice but only when both parties are willing to put in the effort. Sometimes you get one that just doesn't care and is happy with the status quo.
Oh my god ... where have you been all my life? In the 27 years of my life I have never found anyone who is able to not only understand but explain it in such a non judgemental, supportive and empathetic way.. Thank you so, soo much
Love this, so true! Connected with my guy when he invited me to play on his fantasy football league. Some weeks I was dying because all we did was talk about football, stats, points, players etc 😅 like can we talk about anything else?! But then football season ended and now we have deep conversations about so many things and sometimes when I’m pmsing or feeling crazy in general he’s just there for me. I think you’re totally right that when we can connect with guys how they need us to, then they are more willing to connect with us how we need ❤️❤️
I wish I discovered this channel two years ago. When they don’t open up, I assume they are just not interested. Its not my job to mind read, find answers, go investigating. Sometimes it feels so difficult, might as well just stay single.
@Jennifer G men who can’t open up at all usually have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. You’re right, they’re totally emotionally unavailable. At best you get crumbs of emotion
@Jennifer G how do you test them? I keep finding these types. They don’t last long cause I’m out but I’m not able to sense it in the first date so I’m curious.
Emotional intelligence is a skill. I would be happy teaching it to my partner if he saw it that way - as a skill I was helping him practice. Too many still see it as a “female” and inferior trait and prefer not expressing emotion over expressing it in healthy ways.
Emotional intelligence is a skill, but if you’re teaching him to express it in a feminine way of course he’ll be resistant (as he should be). Men express themselves differently from women
@pnwlady what..? We breathe.. we eat.. we like long walks on the beach.. yeah, sure, common ground is also essential. but if I learned how to regulate my emotions through my mother or my partner, then I'm 1 and the same. This is a skill set that can only be passed on through the same sex. Men need to learn to self-awareness and seek help when needed, not by a female might I add!
Brian, you're a great storyteller! Loved the story about the little boy and the pigeons. You are definitely right that both partners have to put in effort to communicate and LISTEN to each other without trying to solve a problem.
Spot on. My best friend is a guy and over the past five years, I’ve noticed him grow and become much more comfortable with discussing his emotions with me. I genuinely enjoy learning about his interests and what he is passionate about, and over time he began to let down that wall and open up to me about parts of his life that he keeps locked away from others. Now we emotionally invest in each other’s lives and interests, and it’s more fulfilling than any relationship I’ve ever had. I love him very much. I hope that someday he can have a connection like this with the woman he loves, if I can’t convince him to just marry me first 😂
U mentioned a very feminine and caring mother, but what about guys? What about fathers? Why guys r so hard on their own sons? "Men don't cry! Stop it!" Or teach that women are sexual objects, not real human beings or tell their kids that men have to act tough by fighting, cursing and yelling. Or the kid's tired and men including fathers laugh at him. He's not a robot.. Nope! It should be both ways: fathers and mothers teaching their kids empathy.
What you wrote, so true. To me, it's gender equality and we need to change it. I mean, it's tough for both men and women to identify who they are by their gender.
Yes totally agree with you, but I don’t think he meant to purposefully leave the man/father out haha in this case! He’s more focused on trying to explain his point in this video & maybe just didn’t get a chance to go over that other matter which is another beast to tackle
The whole "men were taught not to share their feelings" thing is starting to become a really old and I'm starting to become less and less empathetic towards men that are unhealed and unwilling to do their inner work, because that seems to be their excuse not to want to commit to some women or move forward. Many women have already supported men emotionally and mentally and are tapped out. If women have had to evolve so do the collective of men. We are not rehab centers for their trauma. Alot of these men need help, I have done alot of work on myself. With my up bringing and my observation of society, it doesn't let women use our pain as an excuse not to be kind nurturing ect.... No excuses for men get help or get out my way.
WORD! Women have not to teach men emphatie or connection in a relationship. That s the job of a therapist, the person self, society. Of course there is some learning between partners...but in one-eye-level and on both sides! I fully agree with you.
So so true!! Thank you for sharing that!! We all have emotions for a reason, including men. Maybe if they showed them more, they really wouldn’t come of like a little bitch. I have more respect for men who express trueness about themselves, then try to hide things and act tough, when that in my opinion, is weak.
Why are people even in relationships without emotional bondings? That to me is the first criteria if there is connection... Im not the kind who jumps seamlessly betw relatioships but to me emotional bonding is way too hard to teach, if its not there Im not even going to try because I wont trust this person
I know right? If they're emotionally unavailable to begin with, how did the relationship even begin? Wasn't there a sort of... Declaration of feelings for things to actually escalate to an actual exclusive relationship? I find that part a bit odd.
@@julliettecoeur Im just wondering, whats left of a relationship if the emotional connection is not there? physical attraction? Or just some kind of agreement？
@@LIDYAEIL yeah, I don't get it. I'm guessing I'd be some kind of relationship that hasn't even been defined... Or maybe these videos are for teenagers, who just get into relationships cause they think the other person is "cute". I don't get it either!
Because relationships often start in having fun together. A lot of fun. Then problems begin to appear and you realize communication is not easy on a serious level.
@@Neurozumim Oh I see. I mean it seems better to choose from people you have emotional bondings with that are also fun than the other way round, because having fun is much easier to achieve with others
Men often are blamed for not communicating or expressing according to the woman's experience and expectations perhaps you could put yourself in his shoes and think how he must feel when you try to emasculate him but demanding he automatically communicate only on your terms because that's the way it's supposed to be it takes understanding acceptance of the differences and an equal effort on both sides to accept the way the other expressive themself within reason of course as long as it's not abusive that is not what I'm saying all I'm saying is men and women are very different when communicating and expressing their emotional selves but the messages are usually similar in intent and actual feeling
@@elenwilliams58 right, whatever you said is right. And I agree with it. But why aren't men told to be in a women's shoes? Instead we're told you understand their(men's)perspective. Why don't men understand ours? The advice given is leave that woman and run for your life. This is what men are told. Why they can't ask "what's the matter woman? Why are you so disturbed"? You know, just plain ask. What rocket science does that needs ? And believe what she says instead of telling her that its all in her head, or that she's just exaggerating.
Becoming a fully whole human being, being conscious and aware on every level of our beings takes work, practicing skills. People can't teach what they don't know. In my experience the deeper I have been brave enough to explore my own emotions and beliefs and really feel them through every cell the deeper I am able to connect with another human. We have to be willing to do this for ourselves no one is able to do it for us. Pain and suffering are great motivators, as well as true happiness and peace of mind are great inspirations to do the inner work that sets us free! ! ! 💝😊🌎🎶👍
👍100% but I do notice a lot of women will work at it and a lot of men are lazy or not brave or both, maybe the younger generation will be more successful but the baby boomer generation of men were a different species, anyway I am learning everyday, this world is huge with so many different personalities, cultures and social experiences, you would have to be living under a rock if you not evolving consciously or not 🤣
Ouf, thanks Brian. That was really helpful. I was living for 2 decades in the shared-fantasy bubble with a man with borderline personality disorder (may God bless him). His emotions were all over the place and I spent basically 95% of my wake time (just realizing now) on trying to stabilize his mood and the constant drama of almost everything that life presented to him turning into a life-or-death-situation... Thanks God I managed to leave. I was burned-out and totally exhausted at the end. I am in a new relationship with a man who is the total opposite, which is so confusing to me. There is no drama, weirdly. When there is a problem I do not see any emotional outburst, he simply tries to fix it. I just realized, because of your video, that he probably is not weird but just a normal guy 😅
We’re just naturally different than women and less “emotional”. It’s not that we don’t want to be emotional, we are just different and inhibit ourselves. Most of us don’t want people seeing us crying. Personally, I think it’s a very private and intimate personal experience to cry. Also, women are really confusing. A lot of us men have just given up with women and became calloused because we do not understand women. It’s so frustrating sometimes. Look at how women interact with their friends, and compare it to how males interact. We are simply different. Men don’t have to be taught to be emotional. We just need to help not being lone wolves throughout life. Perhaps society can tell us that we don’t have to deal with life at our lonesome. Thats what it feels like to me as a male in my early twenties.
It’s also hard to deal with the stigma of being seen as responsible for many of the worlds ills (white male). Oh I must have it easy because I’m a white male and I’m entitled because of my skin color and gender. What a crock of shit
9:26 THIS. This is how most guys open up. With my male friends I barely talk about my feelings. In fact, I'm very uncomfortable when I do it. I prefer to spend time with them with activities. We can talk about many things before talking about our feelings. When we do, we don't do it for hours. We do it for a few minutes if at all.
So funny. I had a indepth talk last night with someone very close to me that I've been trying to emotionally connect with. He started using humor in between the serious stuff and I followed his lead and went with the flow. Now I see why he did that.
I understand what you're saying. I figured this out with my boyfriend. He likes watching tv shows, so I started laying down with him to watch his shows with him, and even making a little snack bar, so that we wouldn't have to get up whilst binge watching the latest season of whatever he's into. And it's through this that we started having conversations, I got to know him better, what he likes and what he doesn't like
Thank you for the wisdom Brian. My last boyfriend lived with his parents, has never lived alone and sounds so much like the example you mentioned. His dad helps pay his bills and helicopter parents him. I have lived in multiple states and he hasn't lived outside of the small town he grew up in. It was stifling. I am grateful for you to share these. I deeply intend to create a relationship with deep emotional connection one day (my heart, soul, healing first) and this sounds effective. It's so simple, yet a subtle thing I missed. I didn't realize what was happening with the shut down. Wow. That explains a lot. So controlled on the outside. I think that positive dynamics are the only way to be effective and sharing ways to build meaningful connections are essential. I feel as if we could all do better with this as well. Much love!
Empathy is when you can put yourself in someone's shoes. You can understand what they might go through even though you didn't had a similar experience. Sympathy is when you relate to someone's experience and feel their pain as it is YOURS. It usually rises a sense of pity. Compassion is when you understand someone's experience because you share similar situation, you feel their pain BUT you don't assume their pain as it is YOURS. You don't compare nor associate their pain with yours or others experiences. You are present, you listen and you give them what THEY NEED, not what YOU think they need. I learned to ask for CONSENT to share freely my opinion regarding someone's experience or situation, to ask for CONSENT to give an advice, help or support someone. Nobody is entitled to say whatever they want just because they are your mother, friend or whatever other role they have in your life🙏
I’m going through this currently. He ran away and has been lashing out, because he can’t process his emotions very well & his mother is a toxic woman so he was never nurtured properly except praised for all the wrong things 😒 he has been trying to offer me all the things I want to win me back, however I’ve had to distance myself because all I really want is an apology, for him to recognise that his behaviour was wrong and to talk decently about it instead of him coming at me and blaming me for everything
Ugh, the toxic mother! It is just pathetic how my person has a mom that is Ms.Perfect but has never hugged or told him she was proud of him, loved him. Just stoic! I see his true sincere self at times, but overcoming her constant degrading is beyond mind blowing.
@@christinamccall9639 she is the route of his behaviours & still at 36 years of age she manipulates him & gets jealous of any female close to him 😝 he really needs to cut the umbilical cord but he doesn’t see the age is wrong, or doesn’t want to
Thank you for your videos, Geert. I am a gay man and I still think these videos and topics are applicable to gay relationships as well. Many gay men have a hard time expressing emotion. I’m someone who is more emotionally astute, the yin or feminine side, if you will. My boyfriend is like a lot of straight men in this respect and I’ve found many of your videos perfectly applicable to me. Your work is definitely more encompassing than just heterosexual relationships. I very much appreciate you. Lito
I’m sure that’s correct! I believe 2 Ppl who genuinely love ea other can benefit from Geert’s sage advice...Why would gender makeup in a relationship have anythg to do w/wanting to receive that gift...Thx for sharing!
Hey Brian! This came at just the right time to help me understand the two very different men I’m seeing. Both are younger and deal with emotions differently. It’s an adventure! I just wanted to thank you for being so timely and up to speed with your topics in regards to our social evolution and set patterns. ❤️
It's not normal to be "seeing" two different men at the same time. It's a very huge red flag for a shallow person to not give one person at a time a fair chance. I'll never understand how anyone expects to be seen as selling down material when they can't focus on one person in just the dating phase. People like you do not deserve to find a loyal person.. I wouldn't think you are wife material with your behavior.. Nor would I find you trustworthy to open up to no matter what you do to try. A hoe in the dating phase is most definitely not commitment material. Women like you are a fucking joke. If the tables were turned you would say he's a player... Because that's exactly player behavior. Good luck with your delusions. I can't believe you actually said that shit openly while looking for advice here.. 🤦 That's gonna be a no for most men. 🙅
I have been struggling with my boyfriend being emotionally unavailable for over 2 years. I do think that his upbringing was not the most affectionate, loving, nurturing, or caring after observing how he and his family interact with each other. He was primarily raised by his mother who he said he cannot remember the last they told each "I love you". His father was in his life but not in the household with him dealing with issues firsthand. I feel that is what is causing this issue I am having with him since we started our relationship. Me being the first ever everything for him, it's been a lot of trial and error. I am trying to be patient and work with him but I do not really know what I am doing myself. I am longing for us to draw closer to each other but his "I love you"s aren't enough to feel we really have a connection emotionally. I am worried that if we move forward and get married, have kids, etc... He will not be able to fulfill his role as a father or husband by being the way he is now. This is the biggest insecurity I have with our relationship because I cannot see us 5 or even 3 years in the future carrying on this way. I needed this video
I wonder if some tough love might move the odometer as seems you give so much to your Man, he may be taking you & all your efforts for granted...GLuck in figuring it out☘️
Dismissive avoidant. He can heal if he's willing to recognise and address the impact his upbringing has had on him. Listen to some of Thais Gibson's videos. She's excellent on this.
Im in love with my best friend. But he's getting over his ex, so I'm giving him space. He has told me some of his feelings for me which gives me hope, but im not gunna push him. ☺
Brian, There are a lot of guys making these types of videos on UA-cam, but you have a very charming way about you that makes it fun to hear you. Thanks so much for creating this. I've listened to it many times and it still helps. Kate
Holy shit this is such a eye opener for me but also to understand why my ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Just because they dont know how to use empathy and what it meant for. And for now I will deal with my pain but this is something what I take to ever a new relationship with a guy. PS: im okay now atm didnt cry today about him after 2 weeks of everyday crying :)
Thank you Brian I do find some value in this video since my husband comes from a broken family he does not have any empathy towards any emotions other than his own insecurities which seem to be far more damaging . As a wife I think I need to teach him empathy like you mentioned
I've learned that men tend to open up to someone that they can connect with. Some connections come from mutual experiences for some and for others listening to them as if what they have to say is more important than anything else. People just want to be heard not felt like a thousand others in the world to you.
This fella is super he has to smile more he has it made and don't realize it . A home,job, stability bless him let me add I just ran through the house cleaning just to do homework on this guy well for him ❤❤❤
Thank you for your videos so much insight to the male brain. My person has been in a lot of emotional turmoil throughout his life from childhood through adolescents and adulthood. He has developed a player character because its easier for him to hide behind it and not get hurt. He is very flirtatious and charming and everyone things he is great. Now since we have connected - friends to begin with then FWB he wasn't counting on developing feelings for me and this threw him into chaos. He started off being the chaser and me the runner then I became the chaser and he the runner. I decided to walk away and I told him. It literally freaked him out. Now he is the chaser and I have my boundaries up. He has to prove to me he wants this relationship. Now I feel stuck because my friends are telling me I'm making it to hard for him to go past my walls but at the same time I'm not sure if he wants to commit or just keep on playing this game as its a challenge to him. I do believe he is now at a stage of emotional involvement because a lot of the signs are there. But still feel confused. Can you talk about these challenges and how we can deal with them?
I like you very much... you're going straight to the points ... you're a serious, sympathetic, and most of all sincere guy. Thank you for your clear and simple vision.
It's a collective human thing. Many folks don't know who they are & or haven't challenged themselves to take the time to "Heal thyself First" therefore they can't "Protect there Peace". Regardless of how others act or do WE have a choice on how we respond. Being healed, knowing thyself 1st, having boundaries, expections, identifying with our emotions & then holding ourselves accountable to them by doing "what's right" (opposed to who's right), is where the True freedom will come from regardless of how folks treat you. I encourage everyone to look themselves in the mirror first in all aspects of there life & situations because at the end of the day we're the only ones we can change! In doing this it gives us more focus on what's truly important which is our actions, responses to build our own character & then we don't have as much time trying to micromanage other folks as we're busy minding our own business which in reality where we can 💯% effective change in ourselves for our lives.
about difference between sympathy and empathy : I had once a deep empathy with my best male friend (only) (I am a woman.... suddenly, I really - LISTENED - to him when he told me that his father with whom he had a lot of problems was not the real one ... and I believed him, even if I often had the feeling before that he was lying about facts (thinking that it was due to an alcoholic problem he had)... but I was completely wrong ! I really suddenly believed him... and it was magical the connection that we had afterwards, like a huge clear and "solar" space opening up between us... we laughed and talked about the past when we were students on the same bench... and I realised I was so sorry not to have listened to his heart telling me things before... and from that moment on, I trusted what he said...
My husband was a narcissist so he didn't share emotions, just angry ones. I'm single now and men don't talk to me at all. a male friend of mine, said his friends said I thought I was too good for any of them. that's not true, I'm just a little shy.
I have been married 7 years and I desperately want to emotionally connect with my husband. It feels like a brick wall. Makes me very sad. I just want us to be close as possible.😞💔
Start becoming busy with your own life (like not being so available). And hopefully he will miss you and invite you to do something with him. Also, keep up the humor with him if you had it with him at one time. Keep being kind but living your own personal life to the fullest (hobbies, friends, family, personal care-nails, hair, massage, etc.)
He can go to therapy like I do, I'm working really hard on my emotionally unavailability and my fear or opening up, so he can he, it's not my responsibility to do his job.
"He" doesn't consider it a problem so how is therapy going to help? If you want people to communicate with you how you want them to you have to actually ask. He shouldn't "just know." God these responses are so childish. "If you want this form a person do this..." "WeLl He ShOld JuSt KnOw!" Grow up.
Thank you! This video is really eye opening to me. I've never had an idea of emotional tolerance of men. I've always had trouble with the men in my previous relationship because I assumed they were able to have deep emotional understanding and connection. And they backed down when they were overwhelmed. I had no clues what were the problem. Only now do I know.
@@aryanpatel647 @aryan patel I would tell them about my troubles and expect them to be able to empathize with me. Instead, it was overwhelming to them, especially at the beginning, because of the amount of emotional understanding required. My lesson is that I'd better heal myself first and hold myself together.
Wow, I truly needed to hear this information. I truly appreciate this from a male, because it teaches me🤔☺️ a new perspective. Thank you, food for thought.
The book for what you described is “Hold me tight”” great 📚but you can’t never fixed anyone; you’re not their psychologist, some people never learned; each person has to do their growth and some people grew old teaching others when they don’t have it in their nature!!
◼ THANK YOU BRIAN! AGAIN! ◼ GREAT TOPIC!! GREAT ADVICE!! I AGREE, WE DEFINITELY NEED (& WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE) MORE CONTENT LIKE THIS. ➕ YOUR IN-DEPTH, STEP-BY-STEP, INSTRUCTIONS AND EASILY RELATABLE STYLE REALLY ROCK! 🖤
Pigeons are SO inspiring...........Men should be able to cry.........................Please understand that your video is wonderful ; SO WONDERFUL.............EXCELLENT!! Thank you so much
Its also difficult for woman to be emotional aswell due to any pain we've experienced in relationships, that's like the blind leading the blind. I suggest couples therapy or read a book on how to be more emotionally aware and so on💞
you are right on point sir ,and thank you for the insight l realise most men dnt like to just sit and dwell on a deep convo will try using his guy language next time
This explains really well why me getting more and more sick has made it harder to feel like I can get my husband to open up. Going and DOING very many things is hard for me. I'm sure I can figure it out now that I know this trick though.
And I believe what Brian is saying regarding to teach a man how to respond to you is you have to be open with your communication if you want to talk to your husband or boyfriend about something you have to let them know in advance that you don't want them to help you fix something, you just need them to listen to you so you can let out your frustration
Brian I just wanted to thank you for your well explained illustrations. I've listened To several relationship coaches and I don't It's hard for me to connect because they go off on different subjects before they draw the conclusion so I want to continue to listen and learn from you.
Wonderful video. This is so true and yet even though I'm always opened at the same time I want to fix things too. Weird for me to see myself on both sides. Thank you for your time and effort. 💚🤗🌴
That's amazing! I have never really thought about that before!!! I really feel like this is a gigantic piece of the puzzle that is the Male! Thank you Hiirt! ❤😊🙏🌸
Yeah. That's why we broke up, I was longing for his empathy with me but he doesn't understand me. I want something so memorable for us to do which is for our better future. I keep on motivating him but he doesn't change. We had an ldr relationship. Until one day I give up understanding him,it was obvious he has many girl fling,but never ever he admits it. It was very painful because even when i am still fighting for him for our relationship,but the girl was so arrogant just like him he broke up with denying all their relationship.hayst. To say sorry admit the mistake because i can always forgive him but he never did. All i want is just mutual respect and understanding.but i let him go... I hope I'll find the perfect match for me in the right time by God's grace.Amen.
Hi, Brian!...I just discovered you few days back & am delighted w/your Knowledge & Style in conveying points...w/Great Analogies, too...Wondering if in your expert opinion, you think a Narcissist can be taught to be diff. from what he’s been his entire life? At “50” & perhaps w/the passage of time, are they more able to grow into meaningful Partners? Not saying a sm feat!...But I’ve seen Alcoholics & Drug-addicts turn their lives around & I can’t imagine that’s any easier than a Narcisa becoming loyal & trustworthy to their Love...Although most ALL Medical Experts say , Narcissists are Unable to shed their skin...I disagree but w/caveat Both Ppl are committed to “their cause” & willing to put in much time/effort even if that involves outside intervention like Therapy...Pls share if you’ve ever witnessed such a Miracle, 1st hand
Thank you very much, this capsule is helping me improve my relationship with my bro we do business together and regularly we had communication barrier and you said it right men are drive by actions while I'm trying to look for reasons and talk too much as expressed.
Brian! I love the blue screen of emotional death metaphor! A good phrase to make it stick in my mind with humor. I have known about the male joke code from my first year in my professional career when I couldn't figure out why my males president and vice-president would punch each other in the arm. Like, why would they hurt each other, when it was obvious they were deeply bonded! Read the answer somewhere in the advice literature for women breaking into management ranks.
If he’s aware of the problem & is willing to work on it, I’ll help. I’ve been with too any guys who use addictions to avoid emotions. Even if it’s just food. It’s soooo common. Tired of that
I want to clarify something that I didn’t explain well and that seems to be misunderstood by some people. When I mention to teach real empathy, what I mean is this: a lot of people have sympathy instead of empathy and they are not even aware of it. I wasn’t for example.
If you talk about a problem you face to someone like a friend, they may try to make you feel better and say things like: “oh but it’s not that bad because…” or “don’t worry, I’ve had the same problem once” or “well let’s go do something fun to change your mind” or “let me help, how can I fix this for you?”
Even though they mean well, this is sympathy, but not empathy. You may still feel alone and not understood, even though that friend is trying to help. Real empathy requires a deeper connection where that friend really listens, tries to imagine what you are really feeling and doesn’t come up with a solution but tries to just be there for you.
This, in my humble opinion, is something we can learn to be better at. It’s not something we have or don’t have. We can learn to listen and figure out: what do you really need now? We can learn to really connect, to not come up with a solution or try to make that person feel better (which is what they were doing in my examples), but to just be there for them. The thing is, in this example it would help your friend if you’d say that that’s what you need, instead of them trying to fix it for you or make you feel better (if that’s the case of course).
I feel that we, in a good relationship, should explain to our partner what it is we need to feel loved and supported so we can both grow and become better at loving and supporting each other.
Great advice ☺️. I Find all of your advices are spot on. I do want to get your insight about this guy.. Well this guy is my childhood highschool crush.. ever since we graduated I've moved to a big city so far away from our home town..and now working. We are friends on facebook but did not connect until years and years..one time we chatted on facebook and flirted when I ask him if he has a gf.. he didn't say yes.and he didn't deny it either. So I stalk his fb and he has a gf. So i stop talking to him..and to be honest he never reach out. So I continue with my life.. he still watch and follow all of my Stories and my days though. But I started to notice fb has become toxic so I deactivated my fb for a month.. after that I posted my selfie and after viewing it he unfollowed me.. I know it sound pitty but I was kinda hurt you know..any insight Sir?
Very accurate and precisely explained. Thank you for this additional important words..
Nice
@@6-cats since Brian didn't reply... I'm gonna just insert my two cents here. I'm not sure what your NEW profile picture looked like when you returned, but if it looked in any way fake, not like you typically look, trying too hard to impress, sexy, for example for some men even showing a bit too much cleavage and makeup and hair done just so, facial expression as well, may be a total turn off. Especially if you DID already make the first move by broaching the gf subject. He is looking at you thru different eyes now. More critical. Or, it may be he discussed the topic with the gf and she feels insecure and when you deactivated your fb she may have been relieved. But seeing you were back, and possibly looking really good in your pics may have triggered her insecurity and pressured him to unfriend or whatever.
These are the reasons I can think of, but I'm not a guy! Hope this helps...and, if he really were your friend none of this would have mattered. He would still be your friend. I'd advise you just move on and not even dwell on it. There are bigger problems that you should be more concerned about...tho I do understand it did trigger a bit of insecurity on your part to have someone do that. I have learned that people come and people go, and the ones who matter will always stay or when you do have differences, they will make their way back to you or you them. The others don't really matter. It will only keep you in your head going insane. Just shake it off and move on. Make new friends!
I'm sorry about my question, what country are you from?
- Use humour in conversation
- Energising activities (road trip, sports, bonding through comedies/scary films)
- Slowly teach him your emotional connection activities (talking, needing to vent, etc.)
Scary films :) not a fan but your list is really helpful :) Thanks
Very helpful
RIght?! For me this is ground breaking. So grateful to have found this video. I had felt clueless.
Tried all and still didn’t work..he used to escaping from issues and negative emotions
@@drama2u so true!
I think, as a woman, men should invest more in their own personal growth. I have been in 3 longtime relationships, thinking i can teach them but when they do not invest in themselves there is no teaching only heartache for me. I learned a lot, living on my own now, no more teaching when a new relationship should arrive. Rather be alone and happy😊
It's up to them to teach themselves. It's not your job to teach them so they can be better for the next person. Helping someone is not supposed to get you hurt.
While I agree with your general premise, just remember that every woman is also different. When men learn, they tend to be specific (A+B = C), they use logic and equations vs. seeing the grey and nuance in between (that’s a woman’s gift & skill). So, even if they learn on their own, they will always need direction and specifics on what’s important to YOU and what works for you… it won’t be the same as the previous woman… sometimes not even close!
The thing is many issues within yourself won’t be illuminated unless there’s relationships to shine the light on them. Not just romantic, parent-child and friendships also are included. That’s part of being juman is helping each other grow and be the best versions of ourselves. Women as much as men too
I get where your coming from. I've tried teaching n a few times all I got was they messed up n leave just to do better in the next relationship. How was that fair to me? So I decided it's better to be alone than lonely.
Currently going through that. Had to let go of the relationship.
I've had the talks, too many in fact, and I am mentally exhausted. I am on a large scale more unhappy than I was by myself. That is something I can't ignore anymore. It's important to put ourselves on the list of importance.
And what I have realized is we can't do squat about it unless they want to. There's absolutely nothing we can do if they refuse to see what's wrong, or seek help or work on themselves.
I actually feel you. I am not even married. Its my fiance and yet I couldnt establih anything....
If they don't collaborate stop trying and let things play out. If they care about you they must put effort as well. If they're not willing to do that, why waste your time? You'd be well on your way to misery and overwhelm. You can't carry all the weight by yourself. Stay strong girlfriend. You've got this ❤️🙏
Noted 😊
Thais the MOST HILARIOUS POST in the bunch & gave me a HUGE “burst out laugh!”...& btw; Aren’t we all?😇
The hardest work you'll ever do....is the work on yourself. They need to do the work as I have!🙂
both guys have to deal with women's emotions while still having his .
Exactly!
WORD!!
But everything g is mummy’s responsibility…. As is her telling him he’s superior to her 😂 💯
Babysitting men's emotions all day is exhausting, like a full-time job! Can't people just relax, support each other and get on with it?
I totally agree with your opinion!
I blame girls. Why they keep chasing them.
And they have to deal with ours..fair exchange to me
@@ramonaedwards5338 well true
So true!
Men with sisters often are better at dealing with their emotions. It all depends on how they're raised and if they've had good relationships with their dads and women. We can listen to them and try to encourage their emotions but I'm not sure if I could teach a 50-something man empathy. Personalities are pretty much set by the time you're 5 years old. I learned that while working in child protection services.
Personalities change. There’s your core values and ways of expression but your personality does not have to stay the same. It all starts within you.
@Lennie Minder Nope. Honesty is still the best policy. SOME women will turn it on you, not all. I'm sorry, it sounds like you have given up on women. Nobody should say "All men are..." or "All women are..." because it's never true.
Till the moment his sister starts being jealous cause brother spend 24/6 with new girl. Sick, I know.
@Lennie Minder haha.. you have some serious childhood trauma
Truth
i dont think its up to the partners to teach men empathy. I think we can help men buuut I do think that men should do that work on their own first. I wholeheartedly believe that therapy can do wonders for someone and can teach someone how to open up
Men who can’t open up at all are usually dismissive avoidant attachment style, they need therapy
Exactly we all need to all have personal accountability to make our own change a women cannot be your rehab centre that becomes toxic
I second it 🤚
I had to pay for my own therapy, the man can pay for his, too.
na people don't care about men feelings ,women be saying they want men that are able to express emotion but when he does it she use it against him ,been their done that.
Julia Roberts said that it's not women's job to be an emotional rehab center for poorly raised men. That we need a partner not a project to take care of. I mean we have already so much to deal with..other than we need to do this and that all day or we won't get the love, attention and respect from our little man-child. I say be a man and deal for real or step outta the way!
Absolutely!!!👍
Louder for the manchild in the back! Ain't nobody got time for all that! We have our own stuff to deal with! We have our own children to raise!
Absolutely
100%!!!
Bravo
I think a lot of these can apply for women who are emotionally shut down, too. I’m a childhood abuse survivor, and can be extremely emotionally shut down at times.
@@island661 Already am. Still doesn’t undo decades of trauma causing a shut down response. Thanks, though. :)
Yes, of course. Fair enough! Love to you!
Sad to hear,hope,you feel better slowly...😇
To me I think that we should all be looking to date someone who is emotionally mature instead of trying to teach someone to be emotionally mature.
I feel that it's something people need to learn on their own and that your significant other shouldn't be responsible for teaching you. I want to fall in love with someone as they are not who I "mold" them to be.
Yes it’s exhausting for that person. Not only do they have to fix their own and be mature they have to do it for others as well.
If you have to be a parent to your partner in any way, it will ruin your relationship. Be supportive, of course. But if you’re not a fully grown adult person, you shouldn’t be in a fully grown adult relationship anyway.
@@reesekarns 100% agree. I believe personal growth is important before entering and during a relationship.
Change is inevitable. We are as a being not set in stone and we shift constantly between roles, like the mother, the woman or the daughter. Being too strict and dogmatic about being mature, is the reason why ppl leave each other in an eyeblink instead of also growing with each other in patience, love and benevolence.
Well but relationships are the real practicuum...
Create a space between you and your SO, where they can feel safe knowing you won’t judge him/her. You need this before “talk his/her language”
@@seabreeze4559lol just cos I want my SO to feel safe to tell me things he’s otherwise unable to express? I’m sorry you were hurt in your childhood. Seek help
Been there done that got the t-shirt. Good advice but only when both parties are willing to put in the effort. Sometimes you get one that just doesn't care and is happy with the status quo.
Oh my god ... where have you been all my life? In the 27 years of my life I have never found anyone who is able to not only understand but explain it in such a non judgemental, supportive and empathetic way.. Thank you so, soo much
Love this, so true! Connected with my guy when he invited me to play on his fantasy football league. Some weeks I was dying because all we did was talk about football, stats, points, players etc 😅 like can we talk about anything else?! But then football season ended and now we have deep conversations about so many things and sometimes when I’m pmsing or feeling crazy in general he’s just there for me. I think you’re totally right that when we can connect with guys how they need us to, then they are more willing to connect with us how we need ❤️❤️
I wish I discovered this channel two years ago. When they don’t open up, I assume they are just not interested. Its not my job to mind read, find answers, go investigating. Sometimes it feels so difficult, might as well just stay single.
@Jennifer G men who can’t open up at all usually have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. You’re right, they’re totally emotionally unavailable. At best you get crumbs of emotion
@Jennifer G how do you test them? I keep finding these types. They don’t last long cause I’m out but I’m not able to sense it in the first date so I’m curious.
Yesss if only we could find clear signs earlier so we can dip and save our time
@@SK-no2pp yeah it's exhausting 😴, and then you ask yourself "what more can I do?"
@@Nix_Ulysses nothing ever works im 17 not a therapist it’s so tiring but I care so much
Emotional intelligence is a skill. I would be happy teaching it to my partner if he saw it that way - as a skill I was helping him practice. Too many still see it as a “female” and inferior trait and prefer not expressing emotion over expressing it in healthy ways.
Emotional intelligence is a skill, but if you’re teaching him to express it in a feminine way of course he’ll be resistant (as he should be). Men express themselves differently from women
@@Tyrone-Ward good point. I’m not sure what masculine EQ looks like. Less verbose? Or confidence and intuition/gut instincts?
As a man, I'll never take a lesson from any female on empathy or any kind of emotion, we're wired completely different!
@@lnicko you are over emphasizing the difference between sexes and under emphasizing the similarities between all humans.
@pnwlady what..? We breathe.. we eat.. we like long walks on the beach.. yeah, sure, common ground is also essential. but if I learned how to regulate my emotions through my mother or my partner, then I'm 1 and the same. This is a skill set that can only be passed on through the same sex. Men need to learn to self-awareness and seek help when needed, not by a female might I add!
Brian, you're a great storyteller! Loved the story about the little boy and the pigeons. You are definitely right that both partners have to put in effort to communicate and LISTEN to each other without trying to solve a problem.
Spot on. My best friend is a guy and over the past five years, I’ve noticed him grow and become much more comfortable with discussing his emotions with me. I genuinely enjoy learning about his interests and what he is passionate about, and over time he began to let down that wall and open up to me about parts of his life that he keeps locked away from others. Now we emotionally invest in each other’s lives and interests, and it’s more fulfilling than any relationship I’ve ever had. I love him very much. I hope that someday he can have a connection like this with the woman he loves, if I can’t convince him to just marry me first 😂
I pray for you, he will marry you. Please update me once he does it
Any update?:)
This is beautiful and where the best type of intimate relationship stems from
You dont have to convince him this has to be happening spontunasely
I’ve known my best friend since I was 13 and I’m so glad we didn’t marry each other😂😂😂
Yeah, I’m not his mother nor his shrink. My language is adulthood.
You bet! I’m not adopting.
Amen!
Your relationships must be cold since you don't have that trade with each other.
@@AgentDearestZ ?
yet you probably run to him for emotional support, hypocrite lmao
U mentioned a very feminine and caring mother, but what about guys? What about fathers? Why guys r so hard on their own sons? "Men don't cry! Stop it!" Or teach that women are sexual objects, not real human beings or tell their kids that men have to act tough by fighting, cursing and yelling. Or the kid's tired and men including fathers laugh at him. He's not a robot.. Nope! It should be both ways: fathers and mothers teaching their kids empathy.
Nailed it!
What you wrote, so true. To me, it's gender equality and we need to change it. I mean, it's tough for both men and women to identify who they are by their gender.
True!!
Yes totally agree with you, but I don’t think he meant to purposefully leave the man/father out haha in this case! He’s more focused on trying to explain his point in this video & maybe just didn’t get a chance to go over that other matter which is another beast to tackle
Yes! Fully agree!!! Contemporary thinking! Thank you!
The whole "men were taught not to share their feelings" thing is starting to become a really old and I'm starting to become less and less empathetic towards men that are unhealed and unwilling to do their inner work, because that seems to be their excuse not to want to commit to some women or move forward.
Many women have already supported men emotionally and mentally and are tapped out. If women have had to evolve so do the collective of men. We are not rehab centers for their trauma. Alot of these men need help, I have done alot of work on myself.
With my up bringing and my observation of society, it doesn't let women use our pain as an excuse not to be kind nurturing ect.... No excuses for men get help or get out my way.
omg AMEN girl.. preach!!!
@@unkn0wnr0ckstar 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
WORD! Women have not to teach men emphatie or connection in a relationship. That s the job of a therapist, the person self, society. Of course there is some learning between partners...but in one-eye-level and on both sides! I fully agree with you.
@@lesezeichen1603 Exactly fu*k them! Go to the trash where they belong!
So so true!! Thank you for sharing that!! We all have emotions for a reason, including men. Maybe if they showed them more, they really wouldn’t come of like a little bitch. I have more respect for men who express trueness about themselves, then try to hide things and act tough, when that in my opinion, is weak.
Why are people even in relationships without emotional bondings? That to me is the first criteria if there is connection... Im not the kind who jumps seamlessly betw relatioships but to me emotional bonding is way too hard to teach, if its not there Im not even going to try because I wont trust this person
I know right? If they're emotionally unavailable to begin with, how did the relationship even begin? Wasn't there a sort of... Declaration of feelings for things to actually escalate to an actual exclusive relationship? I find that part a bit odd.
@@julliettecoeur Im just wondering, whats left of a relationship if the emotional connection is not there? physical attraction? Or just some kind of agreement？
@@LIDYAEIL yeah, I don't get it. I'm guessing I'd be some kind of relationship that hasn't even been defined... Or maybe these videos are for teenagers, who just get into relationships cause they think the other person is "cute". I don't get it either!
Because relationships often start in having fun together. A lot of fun. Then problems begin to appear and you realize communication is not easy on a serious level.
@@Neurozumim Oh I see. I mean it seems better to choose from people you have emotional bondings with that are also fun than the other way round, because having fun is much easier to achieve with others
Yes blame the woman instead of working on yourself!!!
This is my story. He said I was "so, so needy"
Men often are blamed for not communicating or expressing according to the woman's experience and expectations perhaps you could put yourself in his shoes and think how he must feel when you try to emasculate him but demanding he automatically communicate only on your terms because that's the way it's supposed to be it takes understanding acceptance of the differences and an equal effort on both sides to accept the way the other expressive themself within reason of course as long as it's not abusive that is not what I'm saying all I'm saying is men and women are very different when communicating and expressing their emotional selves but the messages are usually similar in intent and actual feeling
@@elenwilliams58 right, whatever you said is right. And I agree with it. But why aren't men told to be in a women's shoes? Instead we're told you understand their(men's)perspective. Why don't men understand ours? The advice given is leave that woman and run for your life. This is what men are told. Why they can't ask "what's the matter woman? Why are you so disturbed"? You know, just plain ask. What rocket science does that needs ? And believe what she says instead of telling her that its all in her head, or that she's just exaggerating.
@@saltpepper7525 why? because women are the ones running after man today and watching this video, man do not dwel about it
@@Maryam-sn2mz lol 🤣 this hit me like a truck but it's true haha
Or maybe you should stop treating men like they're defective women.
Becoming a fully whole human being, being conscious and aware on every level of our beings takes work, practicing skills. People can't teach what they don't know. In my experience the deeper I have been brave enough to explore my own emotions and beliefs and really feel them through every cell the deeper I am able to connect with another human. We have to be willing to do this for ourselves no one is able to do it for us. Pain and suffering are great motivators, as well as true happiness and peace of mind are great inspirations to do the inner work that sets us free! ! ! 💝😊🌎🎶👍
👍100% but I do notice a lot of women will work at it and a lot of men are lazy or not brave or both, maybe the younger generation will be more successful but the baby boomer generation of men were a different species, anyway I am learning everyday, this world is huge with so many different personalities, cultures and social experiences, you would have to be living under a rock if you not evolving consciously or not 🤣
💯❤💯
Wise words right there!👍🏻🙏🏻
Ouf, thanks Brian. That was really helpful. I was living for 2 decades in the shared-fantasy bubble with a man with borderline personality disorder (may God bless him). His emotions were all over the place and I spent basically 95% of my wake time (just realizing now) on trying to stabilize his mood and the constant drama of almost everything that life presented to him turning into a life-or-death-situation...
Thanks God I managed to leave. I was burned-out and totally exhausted at the end.
I am in a new relationship with a man who is the total opposite, which is so confusing to me. There is no drama, weirdly. When there is a problem I do not see any emotional outburst, he simply tries to fix it.
I just realized, because of your video, that he probably is not weird but just a normal guy 😅
Can we just teach men to be able to express emotions like women so we don’t have to go through this bs I’m tireddddd
Yeah, I’m so tired of this. It’s so much work.
We’re just naturally different than women and less “emotional”. It’s not that we don’t want to be emotional, we are just different and inhibit ourselves. Most of us don’t want people seeing us crying. Personally, I think it’s a very private and intimate personal experience to cry.
Also, women are really confusing. A lot of us men have just given up with women and became calloused because we do not understand women. It’s so frustrating sometimes.
Look at how women interact with their friends, and compare it to how males interact.
We are simply different. Men don’t have to be taught to be emotional. We just need to help not being lone wolves throughout life. Perhaps society can tell us that we don’t have to deal with life at our lonesome. Thats what it feels like to me as a male in my early twenties.
Also, just tell your man “that makes sense” to whatever he says. He wants to feel smart and accepted by his woman.
It’s also hard to deal with the stigma of being seen as responsible for many of the worlds ills (white male).
Oh I must have it easy because I’m a white male and I’m entitled because of my skin color and gender. What a crock of shit
So true each and every word 🙄
9:26 THIS. This is how most guys open up. With my male friends I barely talk about my feelings. In fact, I'm very uncomfortable when I do it. I prefer to spend time with them with activities. We can talk about many things before talking about our feelings. When we do, we don't do it for hours. We do it for a few minutes if at all.
So funny. I had a indepth talk last night with someone very close to me that I've been trying to emotionally connect with. He started using humor in between the serious stuff and I followed his lead and went with the flow. Now I see why he did that.
I understand what you're saying. I figured this out with my boyfriend. He likes watching tv shows, so I started laying down with him to watch his shows with him, and even making a little snack bar, so that we wouldn't have to get up whilst binge watching the latest season of whatever he's into. And it's through this that we started having conversations, I got to know him better, what he likes and what he doesn't like
Ridiculous like your sitting with rain man
I think your “snack bar setup” idea is Adorable & shows you’re not only kind but considerate...GLuck if still w/him!
Thank you for the wisdom Brian. My last boyfriend lived with his parents, has never lived alone and sounds so much like the example you mentioned. His dad helps pay his bills and helicopter parents him. I have lived in multiple states and he hasn't lived outside of the small town he grew up in. It was stifling. I am grateful for you to share these. I deeply intend to create a relationship with deep emotional connection one day (my heart, soul, healing first) and this sounds effective. It's so simple, yet a subtle thing I missed. I didn't realize what was happening with the shut down. Wow. That explains a lot. So controlled on the outside. I think that positive dynamics are the only way to be effective and sharing ways to build meaningful connections are essential. I feel as if we could all do better with this as well. Much love!
Empathy is when you can put yourself in someone's shoes. You can understand what they might go through even though you didn't had a similar experience.
Sympathy is when you relate to someone's experience and feel their pain as it is YOURS. It usually rises a sense of pity.
Compassion is when you understand someone's experience because you share similar situation, you feel their pain BUT you don't assume their pain as it is YOURS. You don't compare nor associate their pain with yours or others experiences. You are present, you listen and you give them what THEY NEED, not what YOU think they need.
I learned to ask for CONSENT to share freely my opinion regarding someone's experience or situation, to ask for CONSENT to give an advice, help or support someone.
Nobody is entitled to say whatever they want just because they are your mother, friend or whatever other role they have in your life🙏
I’m going through this currently. He ran away and has been lashing out, because he can’t process his emotions very well & his mother is a toxic woman so he was never nurtured properly except praised for all the wrong things 😒 he has been trying to offer me all the things I want to win me back, however I’ve had to distance myself because all I really want is an apology, for him to recognise that his behaviour was wrong and to talk decently about it instead of him coming at me and blaming me for everything
Ugh, the toxic mother! It is just pathetic how my person has a mom that is Ms.Perfect but has never hugged or told him she was proud of him, loved him. Just stoic! I see his true sincere self at times, but overcoming her constant degrading is beyond mind blowing.
@@christinamccall9639 she is the route of his behaviours & still at 36 years of age she manipulates him & gets jealous of any female close to him 😝 he really needs to cut the umbilical cord but he doesn’t see the age is wrong, or doesn’t want to
Thank you for your videos, Geert. I am a gay man and I still think these videos and topics are applicable to gay relationships as well. Many gay men have a hard time expressing emotion. I’m someone who is more emotionally astute, the yin or feminine side, if you will. My boyfriend is like a lot of straight men in this respect and I’ve found many of your videos perfectly applicable to me.
Your work is definitely more encompassing than just heterosexual relationships. I very much appreciate you.
Lito
I’m sure that’s correct! I believe 2 Ppl who genuinely love ea other can benefit from Geert’s sage advice...Why would gender makeup in a relationship have anythg to do w/wanting to receive that gift...Thx for sharing!
Hey Brian! This came at just the right time to help me understand the two very different men I’m seeing. Both are younger and deal with emotions differently. It’s an adventure! I just wanted to thank you for being so timely and up to speed with your topics in regards to our social evolution and set patterns. ❤️
It's not normal to be "seeing" two different men at the same time. It's a very huge red flag for a shallow person to not give one person at a time a fair chance. I'll never understand how anyone expects to be seen as selling down material when they can't focus on one person in just the dating phase. People like you do not deserve to find a loyal person.. I wouldn't think you are wife material with your behavior.. Nor would I find you trustworthy to open up to no matter what you do to try. A hoe in the dating phase is most definitely not commitment material. Women like you are a fucking joke. If the tables were turned you would say he's a player... Because that's exactly player behavior. Good luck with your delusions. I can't believe you actually said that shit openly while looking for advice here.. 🤦 That's gonna be a no for most men. 🙅
I have been struggling with my boyfriend being emotionally unavailable for over 2 years. I do think that his upbringing was not the most affectionate, loving, nurturing, or caring after observing how he and his family interact with each other. He was primarily raised by his mother who he said he cannot remember the last they told each "I love you". His father was in his life but not in the household with him dealing with issues firsthand. I feel that is what is causing this issue I am having with him since we started our relationship. Me being the first ever everything for him, it's been a lot of trial and error. I am trying to be patient and work with him but I do not really know what I am doing myself. I am longing for us to draw closer to each other but his "I love you"s aren't enough to feel we really have a connection emotionally. I am worried that if we move forward and get married, have kids, etc... He will not be able to fulfill his role as a father or husband by being the way he is now. This is the biggest insecurity I have with our relationship because I cannot see us 5 or even 3 years in the future carrying on this way. I needed this video
I wonder if some tough love might move the odometer as seems you give so much to your Man, he may be taking you & all your efforts for granted...GLuck in figuring it out☘️
Dismissive avoidant.
He can heal if he's willing to recognise and address the impact his upbringing has had on him.
Listen to some of Thais Gibson's videos. She's excellent on this.
I followed your advice on one of your videos and it helped so much and now im the one deciding if i want him back in my life. Thank you so much.
Who brainwashed you before?
The intro about Siri made me giggle, thank you for the laugh. Very nice after a rough day.
Im in love with my best friend. But he's getting over his ex, so I'm giving him space. He has told me some of his feelings for me which gives me hope, but im not gunna push him. ☺
I think this is all about asking the right questions so that they can share their feelings.
Brian,
There are a lot of guys making these types of videos on UA-cam, but you have a very charming way about you that makes it fun to hear you. Thanks so much for creating this. I've listened to it many times and it still helps. Kate
Holy shit this is such a eye opener for me but also to understand why my ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Just because they dont know how to use empathy and what it meant for. And for now I will deal with my pain but this is something what I take to ever a new relationship with a guy.
PS: im okay now atm didnt cry today about him after 2 weeks of everyday crying :)
Thank you Brian I do find some value in this video since my husband comes from a broken family he does not have any empathy towards any emotions other than his own insecurities which seem to be far more damaging . As a wife I think I need to teach him empathy like you mentioned
Sounds like a narc
I've learned that men tend to open up to someone that they can connect with. Some connections come from mutual experiences for some and for others listening to them as if what they have to say is more important than anything else. People just want to be heard not felt like a thousand others in the world to you.
Everybody has its own world it’s a matter only sharing time ,understand respect each other . And of course living freedom
This fella is super he has to smile more he has it made and don't realize it . A home,job, stability bless him let me add I just ran through the house cleaning just to do homework on this guy well for him ❤❤❤
Thank you for your videos so much insight to the male brain. My person has been in a lot of emotional turmoil throughout his life from childhood through adolescents and adulthood. He has developed a player character because its easier for him to hide behind it and not get hurt. He is very flirtatious and charming and everyone things he is great. Now since we have connected - friends to begin with then FWB he wasn't counting on developing feelings for me and this threw him into chaos. He started off being the chaser and me the runner then I became the chaser and he the runner. I decided to walk away and I told him. It literally freaked him out. Now he is the chaser and I have my boundaries up. He has to prove to me he wants this relationship. Now I feel stuck because my friends are telling me I'm making it to hard for him to go past my walls but at the same time I'm not sure if he wants to commit or just keep on playing this game as its a challenge to him. I do believe he is now at a stage of emotional involvement because a lot of the signs are there. But still feel confused. Can you talk about these challenges and how we can deal with them?
@@rofankentertainment5842 hi thank you for your comments what is this number?
@@rofankentertainment5842 so I just ring him? Or is it a program that I will need to follow?
I love the premise of this video, but would have liked to have some examples of how do accomplish that :)
I like you very much... you're going straight to the points ... you're a serious, sympathetic, and most of all sincere guy. Thank you for your clear and simple vision.
Hey Brian I’m listening 🙋🏾♀️😊
It's a collective human thing. Many folks don't know who they are & or haven't challenged themselves to take the time to "Heal thyself First" therefore they can't "Protect there Peace". Regardless of how others act or do WE have a choice on how we respond. Being healed, knowing thyself 1st, having boundaries, expections, identifying with our emotions & then holding ourselves accountable to them by doing "what's right" (opposed to who's right), is where the True freedom will come from regardless of how folks treat you. I encourage everyone to look themselves in the mirror first in all aspects of there life & situations because at the end of the day we're the only ones we can change! In doing this it gives us more focus on what's truly important which is our actions, responses to build our own character & then we don't have as much time trying to micromanage other folks as we're busy minding our own business which in reality where we can 💯% effective change in ourselves for our lives.
about difference between sympathy and empathy : I had once a deep empathy with my best male friend (only) (I am a woman.... suddenly, I really - LISTENED - to him when he told me that his father with whom he had a lot of problems was not the real one ... and I believed him, even if I often had the feeling before that he was lying about facts (thinking that it was due to an alcoholic problem he had)... but I was completely wrong ! I really suddenly believed him... and it was magical the connection that we had afterwards, like a huge clear and "solar" space opening up between us... we laughed and talked about the past when we were students on the same bench... and I realised I was so sorry not to have listened to his heart telling me things before... and from that moment on, I trusted what he said...
All I can say is that I never thought of this like that. Thank you so much for sharing this !
Brian: your education materials are beyond measure!
Thank you!
Jennifer
My husband was a narcissist so he didn't share emotions, just angry ones. I'm single now and men don't talk to me at all. a male friend of mine, said his friends said I thought I was too good for any of them. that's not true, I'm just a little shy.
I have been married 7 years and I desperately want to emotionally connect with my husband. It feels like a brick wall. Makes me very sad. I just want us to be close as possible.😞💔
You are married for years without emotional connexion thats sad..
I am currently going through this with my boyfriend😢. I feel so alone and frustrated and I don't know what to do about it. I just want us to connect
So, to make him much open up is to do some energizing activity with him!! Got it, thank you Brian!
But, what if he is too lazy to do some activity together? He prefer to do stuffs with his friends instead of me
Start becoming busy with your own life (like not being so available). And hopefully he will miss you and invite you to do something with him. Also, keep up the humor with him if you had it with him at one time. Keep being kind but living your own personal life to the fullest (hobbies, friends, family, personal care-nails, hair, massage, etc.)
Its difficult when apart
@@emilliapeachrose5692 this
He can go to therapy like I do, I'm working really hard on my emotionally unavailability and my fear or opening up, so he can he, it's not my responsibility to do his job.
You hit the bullseye!
"He" doesn't consider it a problem so how is therapy going to help? If you want people to communicate with you how you want them to you have to actually ask. He shouldn't "just know." God these responses are so childish.
"If you want this form a person do this..."
"WeLl He ShOld JuSt KnOw!"
Grow up.
this hit me. this was something that i never heard
Thank you! This video is really eye opening to me. I've never had an idea of emotional tolerance of men. I've always had trouble with the men in my previous relationship because I assumed they were able to have deep emotional understanding and connection. And they backed down when they were overwhelmed. I had no clues what were the problem. Only now do I know.
Please explain me,i am a female
@@aryanpatel647 @aryan patel I would tell them about my troubles and expect them to be able to empathize with me. Instead, it was overwhelming to them, especially at the beginning, because of the amount of emotional understanding required. My lesson is that I'd better heal myself first and hold myself together.
Brian, this is brilliant! Thank you for all your wisdom, experience, and insight you so kindly share with us! You're the BEST!
Wow, I truly needed to hear this information. I truly appreciate this from a male, because it teaches me🤔☺️ a new perspective. Thank you, food for thought.
The book for what you described is “Hold me tight”” great 📚but you can’t never fixed anyone; you’re not their psychologist, some people never learned; each person has to do their growth and some people grew old teaching others when they don’t have it in their nature!!
I've read ALL of your books! They ALL are filled with great knowledge/wisdom.
◼ THANK YOU BRIAN! AGAIN! ◼ GREAT TOPIC!! GREAT ADVICE!!
I AGREE, WE DEFINITELY NEED
(& WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE)
MORE CONTENT LIKE THIS. ➕
YOUR IN-DEPTH, STEP-BY-STEP, INSTRUCTIONS AND EASILY RELATABLE STYLE REALLY ROCK! 🖤
Pigeons are SO inspiring...........Men should be able to cry.........................Please understand that your video is wonderful ; SO WONDERFUL.............EXCELLENT!! Thank you so much
Great 💯👌 I have a 30 year marriage and no matter how much I try, it's a NO GO🤦♀️🤨
Its also difficult for woman to be emotional aswell due to any pain we've experienced in relationships, that's like the blind leading the blind. I suggest couples therapy or read a book on how to be more emotionally aware and so on💞
💯
Thank you for this video whoever sent it to me..I need that..
Hi :Brian give us some examples on how we can make easier to connect on that level please.
you are right on point sir ,and thank you for the insight l realise most men dnt like to just sit and dwell on a deep convo will try using his guy language next time
This was great info -
So simple but so true
This explains really well why me getting more and more sick has made it harder to feel like I can get my husband to open up. Going and DOING very many things is hard for me. I'm sure I can figure it out now that I know this trick though.
Men are so simple and complicated at the same time
I am so happy the guy I am dating is much more emotionally developed!
Just in the right moment! Thank you! 😪
Some of them are cave men. To make them talk and to open up about their feelings is such a hard work!
And I believe what Brian is saying regarding to teach a man how to respond to you is you have to be open with your communication if you want to talk to your husband or boyfriend about something you have to let them know in advance that you don't want them to help you fix something, you just need them to listen to you so you can let out your frustration
We need more content of this level. Thank you ♥
We always have to teach men what to do, if they are interested in real relationships then he have to learn themselves. Period.
Thanks, Brian! You are lovely!
Hugs from Canada.
May the ALMIGHTY always bless you!!! Stay blessed!!!💐
It's kind of a bold statement that only men have trouble opening up. Who's gonna teach me empathy?
Brian I just wanted to thank you for your well explained illustrations. I've listened To several relationship coaches and I don't It's hard for me to connect because they go off on different subjects before they draw the conclusion so I want to continue to listen and learn from you.
Great and simple advice. If we care enough about the person it will be worth the effort.
Man you are so on point! I really appreciated the content of this video! Keep up the good work!
Wonderful video. This is so true and yet even though I'm always opened at the same time I want to fix things too. Weird for me to see myself on both sides. Thank you for your time and effort. 💚🤗🌴
I totally agree with you.
I find your advice very valuable.
That's amazing! I have never really thought about that before!!! I really feel like this is a gigantic piece of the puzzle that is the Male! Thank you Hiirt! ❤😊🙏🌸
Thank you for sharing that story, what a great way to explain empathy. 👏 bravo 👏
Yeah. That's why we broke up, I was longing for his empathy with me but he doesn't understand me. I want something so memorable for us to do which is for our better future. I keep on motivating him but he doesn't change. We had an ldr relationship. Until one day I give up understanding him,it was obvious he has many girl fling,but never ever he admits it. It was very painful because even when i am still fighting for him for our relationship,but the girl was so arrogant just like him he broke up with denying all their relationship.hayst. To say sorry admit the mistake because i can always forgive him but he never did. All i want is just mutual respect and understanding.but i let him go...
I hope I'll find the perfect match for me in the right time by God's grace.Amen.
Hi, Brian!...I just discovered you few days back & am delighted w/your Knowledge & Style in conveying points...w/Great Analogies, too...Wondering if in your expert opinion, you think a Narcissist can be taught to be diff. from what he’s been his entire life? At “50” & perhaps w/the passage of time, are they more able to grow into meaningful Partners? Not saying a sm feat!...But I’ve seen Alcoholics & Drug-addicts turn their lives around & I can’t imagine that’s any easier than a Narcisa becoming loyal & trustworthy to their Love...Although most ALL Medical Experts say , Narcissists are Unable to shed their skin...I disagree but w/caveat Both Ppl are committed to “their cause” & willing to put in much time/effort even if that involves outside intervention like Therapy...Pls share if you’ve ever witnessed such a Miracle, 1st hand
Thank you very much, this capsule is helping me improve my relationship with my bro we do business together and regularly we had communication barrier and you said it right men are drive by actions while I'm trying to look for reasons and talk too much as expressed.
Very good Brian I use humor to connect Im glad that’s good 😌
Needed this video thank you
Thank you Brian. Very insightful & helpful
Great advice once again. You are very good at what you do, thank you for all!
Brian! I love the blue screen of emotional death metaphor! A good phrase to make it stick in my mind with humor. I have known about the male joke code from my first year in my professional career when I couldn't figure out why my males president and vice-president would punch each other in the arm. Like, why would they hurt each other, when it was obvious they were deeply bonded! Read the answer somewhere in the advice literature for women breaking into management ranks.
This is what I need right now. Thanks for sharing, it helps me more to understand about men.
If he’s aware of the problem & is willing to work on it, I’ll help. I’ve been with too any guys who use addictions to avoid emotions. Even if it’s just food. It’s soooo common. Tired of that
@Brian Nox Your advice is fabulous! Again. Thank you!