Chapters: 0:00 Intro & Story TIme 4:00 Format of Video 4:18 Nothing to See Here 4:42 Nothing to See Here (Examples) 6:23 Nothing to See Here (Boundaries Crossed) 7:30 Nothing to See Here (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood) 8:22 Nothing to See Here (Overcoming This Trigger) 9:20 Nothing to See Here (Healthy Reparenting) 9:55 It's Not Confidential 10:38 It's Not Confidential (Examples) 13:25 It's Not Confidential (Boundaries Crossed) 14:21 It's Not Confidential (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood) 15:13 It's Not Confidential (Overcoming This Trigger) 16:08 It's Not Confidential (Healthy Reparenting) 16:57 You're Here For Me 17:10 You're Here For Me (Examples) 19:45 You're Here For Me (Boundaries Crossed) 20:52 You're Here For Me (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood) 21:48 You're Here For Me (Overcoming This Trigger) 22:48 You're Here For Me (Healthy Reparenting) 23:45 My Beliefs Are Yours Now 25:23 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Examples) 26:39 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Boundaries Crossed) 28:08 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood) 29:42 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Overcoming This Trigger) 30:50 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Healthy Reparenting) 32:32 Final Thoughts 33:07 Motives Diagram 35:49 Final Thoughts (continued) 36:35 Connect With Me 36:55 Outro
The format is incredibly simple in the best way. I am so grateful you broke it down like this, because it’s so easy to over complicate and confuse- this format fosters such an ease of understanding
Thank you so very much for your wisdom, perspectives, time and validations on these. Its so relieving to know that the things I had experienced have names and I am now being taken much more seriously
Does being hit as a child also count as being part of the Beliefs section of the video? Wondering where I can look deeper into this topic of conditional love and physical discipline
Yep, my nmom becomes visibly upset and triggered when I laugh with my friend on the phone. I was the scapegoat in the house. Glad I got out of that hellhole. Felt like I escaped a psychiatric unit.
THE SECRETS: not admitting child abuse, not admitting alcoholism, not admitting financial irresponsibility, not providing medical attention - all the while convincing the church that she’s done it all, suffered the burden of carrying it all.
Mine is the kind who will already have a conversation behind my back with someone and then sit in my face and listen to my concerns about the individual as if they were hearing it for the first time. Planning a trip with my ex and a mutual associate and not saying a word. Being a listening ear to my significant and never telling me. Stating later they didn't want to hurt my feelings because the person didn't speak much about me. Trying to talk to people around me who they only know because I shared their contact or introduced them from my circle, to get information without speaking to me directly. Its as if they want to form an alliance with them excluding me. It sounds petty but it's a reality. Years of nonsense and they never want to have a true conversation about this behavior.
A misstep for me that’s happened more than once: my son is 4, and sometimes he does things or says things that I think are funny or cute or clever and I tell my mom about it and I can visibly see him shrinking back when I tell her. I didn’t realize that he would feel that way until I saw him feel it. I’m learning not to share things about him as entertainment, because it really is a betrayal of his trust in me. Building me up while it’s tearing him down, and I hate that for us both. It’s better for me to be quietly proud of him, esteem him highly, and be amused by him, without over sharing
That's so wonderful you noticed and respect that now. We all make mistakes. Can't imagine how hard it must be to acknowlege you have been doing something wrong in terms of relations with your child. Much love to you ❤
Wow I love this, I was telling my sister in law about my daughter's eczema and although she's only 2 she got really embarrsed and said "don't say that" I'm going to give her more privacy now with her struggles ❤
Oh my gosh, you are doing really well perceptively, I hated hearing people talk about me as a kid even if it was good- sometimes I’d start acting the opposite way and then not even know why. 👍
"You're here for me" describes my childhood perfectly. I learned about money issues, affairs, drama with the neighbors, what they thought about each other's inlaws (my grandparents), what they thought about my siblings, etc. I wanted to be a good oldest daughter and was fascinated by what was told. In adulthood, I can see how they didn't protect my right to learn things at age appropriate times.
That's me too. I became "house mom" in my tween years. My own mother died when I was little. My dad and older brither made me their free therapist, cook, coparent, co-conspirator, etc. The worst part was that neither really respected my opinion or views. I had the responsibilities of a mom/wife but no respect or authority. I remember how this sapped my energy and sense of self. It was awful.
I was raised to believe that I had no safe space of my own in my childhood home. If I tried to lock myself in my room to get out of a fight with my mother, she would pick the lock and break in, screaming at me. The house was hers and so was everything in it, including my bedroom. She even rented out my room to a stranger at one point and made me sleep in bed with her and share a room with her at age 11-12. I’ve grown to be very protective of my own space. I live alone with my son and my pets and find it extremely difficult to live with anyone else, especially a romantic partner. I get very triggered when things in my space are messed with or misplaced by others. My home is my fortress and I have a difficult time letting anyone in, physically.
Lindsay, your comment triggered a memory of when I was about 6-8 years old. I woke up one morning to discover an adult female in my bed, complete stranger! Not a word was ever spoken before..or after...or Ever re who/what this was about! Apparently a person known to parent (s) as there was lots of jovial noise from downstairs as I was in shock still in my bed. Never introduced to me. Guess I was just to go with it... (one of so many boundaries crossed)
@@summacumsoap8983I lived in a sometimes party house. Someone was probably going too hard and needed to lay down. 🙄Children didn’t not only not matter sometimes we were invisible
Wow okay, that's really another level of fucked up but that thing with not being allowed to lock yourself in a room sounds familiar. Mom confiscated all the keys to the bedrooms and when I discovered that the bathroom key locked my room door and did it once, she confiscated that one permanently, too... Still isn't in that lock years later... When she was angry I was actually worried that she would kick down the door if I didn't open up 😬
After being trapped in the car with my mom for 12 hours, she slowed down to a crawl a block before my house so she could continue telling me off. She ignored my requests to get out of the car so I finally grabbed the wheel and steered toward the curb (going maybe 2 mph). She still tells people that I tried to kill her. Then she lost a couple hundred dollars and told my friends I stole it…without even asking me about it. My friends tried to shame me over it since she was so perfect and sweet with them. She never said anything to them when she found it.
I believe you. Sorry your friends didn't support you, sounds like she manipulated them too in order to control perception of the situation entirely. I just want you to know that I hear what you're saying and I believe you, and I hope you find resolution and peace moving forward.
My family crosses boundaries a lot in the "My beliefs are yours now" category. The further I get away from it, the more it looks like a small cult with my father as the ringleader. It's so weird waking up from that and trying to be in the world without it.
I can totally identify with you. It took me decades to realize how cult-like my childhood family was like and is still like. It’s scary knowing that I am still the only one who recognizes it!
My inner child is congratulating me right now because it's a miracle how much of my own toxic upbringing has not been continued in me as a mother. I cringe at what I have been ignorant to, but it's never to late to improve your parenting skills. My son is now 27 years old & I know the work I am doing on myself makes me a better parent & has a healthy influence on his life.
I used to be very afraid of close relationships--romantic relationships, loving platonic friendships, whatever--because I equated love with scrutiny and inspection. Eventually a therapist asked me, "Can you imagine experiencing anything else in a close relationship? Something like...support?" And no, honest to goodness, that possibility hadn't occurred to me before. I realize now my family was enmeshed in some pretty significant ways.
That's precisely how I feel! Every time I imagine myself with someone I imagine them scrutinizing me, my choices, my life. Just everything. Hasn't really occurred to me to imagine support. Thanks for your insight!
Support? People can just be in a relationship and… support? Eachother? Not try to use and control eachother, take advantage of every vulnerability? Yes, I’ve learned this is, in fact, possible l, now, but I sure didn’t learn that from my parents! 😬
I gave my mother my favorite book called "Empaths." I felt it would help her really know me and understand me. A week later, I asked how she liked it. She smile/smirked and said, "I gave it to your brother." She didn't care enough about me to even read it. That was a soul crusher..
Did you tell her openly about your need of being understood or that it would mean a lot to you if she'd read (parts of) it? Asothers said, your frustration is totally valid. Just want to make sure you communicate your needs openly, so they can be met.
They simply did not allow boundaries, on our parts. Punished for our "rebelliousness" for even trying to have any. Starting from babyhood. Somehow our very physical growth and maturation enraged them, when they noticed. I'm still finding pockets of problems that have this as an element. At 74 years old.
It’s great you’re dedicated to your growth Jean, Godspeed. Seeing it kind of like an insane asylum we escaped from as someone here described it. Such a tragic comedy, on a stage, actors and such… Now we see it. Now we heal it.
Oooof, this comment was very relatable. Boundaries equalled Disrespect And Disrespect meant I would suffer, somehow. Dear Gd I don't want my daughter to understand. I'm trying every day to break that cycle. She's 16 months old. It's hard work, but so important.
I will never forget my father taking my phone when I was 19 and looking through private photos of myself and my then boyfriend. He showed all my family members and even talked openly about how his body looked. This lack of privacy always made it hard to talk about abuse from him. It still feels like he's omniscient and knows any time I say something bad about him.
I stopped journaling. It was so bad that I struggled to write daily thoughts about the news for a class in college. Putting my feelings on paper is still painful and feels exposing.
How sad. I think I understand. My mom would go through my room when I was out. Once I was at the beach with a friend and my mom went through my room and found contraception my dresser. She made a big deal about me having the foam. contraception. I belittled her when she accused me of acting like a whore. If her accusations were true I’d have been he fism with me!
I ran away from home two days ago and it’s been exhilarating and terrifying. I’m staying with safe family members and have been shocked by how many people are in my corner supporting my independence. Thank you for sharing all of this great information, you have been my lifeline for the past few years while I’ve built up the courage to escape. ❤️
Wish you luck. Never question your desigion you did a right thing. Don't come back, don't talk to them if you don't want. Your life is more important to you than supporting theirs unhealthy traits.
Going back is fatal. They will discard you and it will be 100 times more cruel each time. You can do it, you won't die. I promise that much. Please don't go back.
I ran away as a young adult, too, since I was still living with my parents. I had nobody to go to, so I stayed in my car for weeks or with people I did not know. Please don't make the same mistake as me and don't let them enmesh you again. I wish you all the best and that you may heal from all of what you have experienced.
My mom literally sent out a quarterly e-mail newsletter with all of our family business in it - including her ex husband. And she wonders why we don’t tell her anything
My narc mother violated ALL bounderies and I was allowed NONE. Very unhealthy childhood. Patrick’s videos are always enlightening for me. I suggest to others who were abused to look up the topic of “Emotional Incest”.
I have exactly one clearly communicated boundary woth my room mate, that when my door is closed I want privacy, and yet it seems every time I close my door she must have a detector that notifies her phone so she knows to come and knock. I can't have my door shut for FIVE MINUTES without her trying to invade my privacy. If I try simply not responding to her knock, she accuses me of ignoring her in a way that violates her boundaries. I need to gtfo...
I am so sorry about this. My daughter had a college roommate that wanted to CONTORL everyone in the HOUSE! In. every. way. She demanded they all get together for prayer for meals, just weird. These were older college adult females, not freshman and it wasn't a religiously based university. We are people of faith. HOWEVER, my daughter had her own classes, jobs, and a boyfriend. This weird woman had once worked for my daughters dads second wife...made it worse... ewww.
My narc mother crossed the line in every which way Patrick mentioned. She was a very sick person. Thank you to Patrick he has help me understand my childhood trauma more fully and guide my healing.
BIG one with my mom around "It's not confidential". I felt exposed, exposed, exposed, vulnerable and learned it was unsafe to share. OMG.."my beliefs are your beliefs"...Oh yeah. IF I didn't agree with her (she was a single parent) then there was hell to pay. Her paradigm of "Men leave, men suck, Mean only want....." came up with such force when I fell in love in college. She did everything she could to break us up and then disowned me. Boy did that send me into years of processing stuff of I thought we were best friends, I thought she loved me etc. We went no contact and she never looked back. I've been happily married for 37 years building my own life, the way I want and with whom I want.
Mother Gothel on the slide "You're here for me" is so fitting. 😖 I saw Tangled in the theatre with my covert narcissist mother. Might sound silly, but it was triggering for me to witness the abusive character behaving so similarly (even using the same verbiage like "Mother knows best") as my own abuser sat next to me.
I had the same feeling when I saw her on here too!! She was my mother's favorite character...I remember telling her the mom in the movie scared me and she would sing the song to taunt me when I wasn't behaving according to her standards. So uncanny!!
The song from Meghan Trainor "I am your mother" - cannot listen to it. When it came out and UA-cam was pushing it, I literally had to stop browsing my content for bits because some of the lyrics were triggering
Yes! I saw Tangled first time before starting my healing journey, before I even knew my family was far from healthy. I couldn't comprehend why I found Gothel the most terrifying Disney villain. After I learned more and more throughout the years, understood the abuse I went through, the answer started to get abundantly clear: I watched a movie that had my mum in it.
I’m glad that’s not mostly my situation. But I’m sad that’s because my parents were traumatised by their parents, so they clearly were avoiding such behaviour with us. For example, when our grandmother first lived with us for several months, me and brother were very confused that she didn’t understand that you need to KNOCK in the door, ask and then come. She was also confused, especially when mother told her that it’s a rule in this family because of HER OWN behaviour in mother’s childhood. “But they are just kids”, - grandmother said. “They are my kids, not yours”,- simply answered mom. I have tricky family, but doors were sacred and only now I understand how that added just a bit of so needed sanity.
My uncle gave me a beautiful gold necklace. I left it and anything expensive with my parents when I went to college. My mother started wearing it; which I didn't mind, but then she paired it with a pendant that she said wouldn't go with any other necklace and kept it as an item with her jewelry. When I got upset and said it was a gift from my uncle, she said that she shared everything with me and that I had given a piece of another gift from the same uncle to my grandmother as if my giving one thing was morally equivalent of her taking another.
The hardest for me wasn't the abuse but trying to fit into society with what I learnt was normal from my family and getting in trouble for my behavior. Having to relearn how to live as an adult, knowing it will never be perfect.
My birth-giver told her sister "What matters more to you, your salvation or your son?", asking her to move to Washington with her and she said no (my aunt wanted to stay with her son). This was shortly after I silently cut off my mom for telling me she won't support me until I become christian. I felt so hurt and so enraged that my mother could throw me away like that, when all I ever did was try to connect with her and love myself. Those two things are mutually exclusive. There is no world where my mother and myself can coexist. I have to either sacrifice myself or let her go.
@@Triple_J.1 I respectfully disagree with you on this. It's just people being people and manipulating others hiding behind whatever they can find, whether that's religion or whatever. No-one can force another person to convert and there's no biblical basis for this either. It's sad that religion can be weaponised by unstable people
Wow. I really resonated with the last part of your comment. I think a big reason I'm having a hard time giving up weed and alcohol is because I don't feel like I'm being my authentic self. Did your mother, by chance, tell you "it's her way or the highway" or that "children are meant to be seen and not heard."
I picked this video to accompany me in picking an outfit for Easter tomorrow. I didn’t think I’d hear something that, in the final section of the video with the “my beliefs are yours” part, would stop me in my tracks and slump half clothed against the wall and just close my eyes like “this is what my parents do” they took away my autonomy by telling me I didn’t need to do any job but only get good grades, so I got those grades. Found out I was gay and I don’t think that my fundamentalist, Pentecostal, evangelical, charismatic, nondenominational Christian parents could ever comprehend the depth of pain they would cause me throughout my life. I live with them for medical and financial reasons. I have put my foot down after Covid lockdowns at their church lifted I refused to go in. Then when my mother would harass me via text and calling me about whether or not I heard the sermon, I would always say yes I did and she’d fucking quiz me. I go to a Lutheran church now even though I’d consider myself agnostic. At this church, they tell me I’m not demon possessed, I’m not diseased and controlled by a spirit of homosexuality, I’m not disgusting, and that they accept me for who I am. I don’t know how I’d be alive right now if it wasn’t for the partners I’d met in college who would bring me to their Lutheran church, and if it weren’t for them not being too far from where my parents live, I would not have made it to where I am nearly as easily as I did. And… it wasn’t easy. My parents taught me only a few things in my life. How to obey. Only their beliefs are correct. I need to rely on them and believe like them. That spanking your kids will just make them hide from you + be afraid of you. And lastly, how it truly feels to fear authority. They taught me fear. They stole my autonomy. They said just fall in line. They said every other Christian isn’t a true Christian if they’re not like us. I’d also like to mention that they are extremely political. I’ve truly had to bite my tongue living here. As I come to grips with the trauma I’ve dealt with and that I still experience, I am beginning to taste the anger and the rage I haven’t been able to feel properly. They are best left in a small black and white world where they don’t know my real beliefs. I know I’d ruin their small worlds if they knew the truth. ❤️🩹
My parents play all sides of the fence. They use us to validate themselves by tearing each other down, and go around the whole family circle and do it over again with my siblings. I was convinced that I was helping my mom leave my dad who is abusive and alcoholic; the things she tells me cause me so much torment. Yet… when I talk to her about his dealings with us growing up she calls me a liar and tells me “he has a good heart.” I’m turning 29 this year and only recently have I recognized that she is 50% of the problem. This after telling her some hard stories and her blatantly saying “well what I REALLY can’t handle is him messing with my work people.” I was speechless because in that moment I realized we were never loved unconditionally by either of them. I still don’t know how to process this. It is a lonely feeling but somehow it validates the loneliness I’ve always felt. I’ve watched this video three times over so I can learn how not to do this to my children.
"Not knowing how to be in relationships without being of service. And when you are the focus it feels very uncomfortable or foreign." ...I really have to process this one.
I found out at 48 yrs old that my narcissistic mother was going through my bedroom and stealing from me throughout my childhood and teen years and even the last years of her life when I lived with her. She always blamed my brother. She even sold my stuff to buy booze with. I feel like a fool for not knowing it was her! Thanks Patrick for shedding some light on this.
Thank you for putting these into words. These subtle betrayals distorting perception can cause so much harm to a child's self esteem, mental and physical health. The chronic stress! Emotional neglect is so hard to spot happening - it's the healthy behaviour that should happen but is absent; emotional abuse is aimed at someone to manipulate them by lowering their self esteem; psychological abuse aims to manipulate through distorting perception of reality. And through it all I still believe my NPD parent had no idea of the extent of the harm they were doing because they were only focused on defending their own ego. And the rest of the family and the half safe relatives look on and see nothing because no one wants to deal with the reality of it all.
A possible untreated trauma symptom of the my-beliefs-are-your-beliefs toxic family is that the kid can end up vulnerable to cults or extreme groups even (and perhaps especially) in an enraged reaction *against* the parents
My mother spent hours each week telling me how much she hated my father. How everything was his fault - I was in my 20s before the truth dawned. He was empty and quiet but not abusive in any way. But worst of all, if I did the tiniest thing that reminded her of him, she would shame me mercilessly, make a disgusted noise and say "Urgh! I suppose you're bound to have a bit of your father in you!"
My father was/is AuDHD twice-exceptional. I inherited this from him wholesale. My father is abusive. I chose not to be that way quite deliberately at the age of 6. My mother has always had the “You are just like your father!” attitude. Well, yes, but actually, no! 🤷♀️
@@misspat7555 it's horrible when you've put so much effort into changing yourself for the better, only to be accused of being 'just like him'. I hope you can be strong in your knowledge that you are not! 💝
I cannot tell you how often this happened in big and small ways. The two biggest ways I recall are 1) waking up to see her packing my Dad's socks on night. She just non-challantly mentioned they were getting a divorce. I was nine years old. I said "It's about time" (equally non-challant) and went back to bed. But, I secretly wanted her to follow me, offer me comfort and a discussion about the decision. It never happened. 2) Shortly after my Dad moved out he came to the house and became immediately violent with my Mom. He then wrangled all of us up, dragging us to the back bedroom where the guns were kept screaming that he was going to kill us them himself. I broke away and got help. Luckily, he didn't go through with it. The next day I asked my Mom if we had yo go to school. No discussion, no hugs, no nothing. They did send my ten-year-old neighbor to talk to me once I got to school 🤷♀️ WHAT?!! She was from a troubled, but not voilent, home herself and we just sat there and stared at each other. VERY strange.
My father never had any interest in my life or friends after i started school. As soon as my parents' marriage started going sideways, my father was very interested in spending some "fine father and son time". He tried to poorly manipulate me, explained how he abused my mom in detail, just sharing the most unhinged things to his 13 year old. I don't think I've ever felt as betrayed, and hope it stays that way. 28 now, many years of therapy behind, still learning to human. 4 for 4, my family is so good at your exams, Patrick! :D Thanks for all you do
Even worse than not acknowledging a fight between parents is when they blow up at you, make you cry, and then act like nothing happened. A few years ago I had a friend accidentally trigger an emotional flashback and him apologizing immediately and making me a cup of tea blew my inner child's mind, like they didn't even know that was a thing that grownups could do for you
Holy crap. I just had a major revelation about my own problems and triggers. As someone who is at the beginning of healing from trauma, your videos are amazing.
"It's not confidential" patterns gave her endless amounts of gossip to immediately share, it was a virtual compulsion. That pattern of invasiveness can be used to not only invade your diary, go through your drawers and confront you if they don't like your poetry... they not only wrongly share what you tell them (immediately, to the entire family via phone, never mind any requests for privacy); they can twist what you tell them to paint you badly, "sharing" situations, feelings, thoughts which you never even said or meant. I was misrepresented to my entire extended family continually - consequently their perceptions of me are completely inaccurate (and probably irreparable). When I would complain to the narcissist, I was told, "But they're family!" I tried explaining that there are different people in families and not all of them are entitled to know my private feelings, issues, thoughts, but got absolutely nowhere. No sense of interpersonal boundaries even existed or was comprehensible.
My dad constantly crosses my boundaries over hugging and pictures. I don't like to be hugged, not even by my parents. I appreciate it when people ask me first if I'm okay with a hug, when I'm given a choice and they respect it. My dad is never respected this. He even guilt trips me if I resist because he feels he's owed that hug just by being the parent and that providing for me entitles him to it. Then with photos he puts me into group situations where I am forced to either go along with it so as not to cause a scene. Or worse, he takes pictures of me without my knowledge. I feel empty when I give hugs and I hate seeing photos of myself because of all of this. I guess that's part of the "ownership" these parents have, because they own me I don't get a choice
I hated giving/receiving hugs because of this. My dad hugs me because it comforts him and doesn't truly care If I want to or not. That sense of emptiness of a performative hug is awful. At the same time I've barely seen my parents hold hands or show affection with each other. These inconsistencies really mess with a kid's conception of love. It took a lot of work and time to be able be affectionate with other people for sure.
@@Banana_hamock yes! It's depleting of us when we have to do what they want for their needs and ours doesn't matter and is disregarded. We have to hug because they want it, they need it and it doesn't matter if we don't feel good giving one...only their needs and wants matter. My parents did it with me and they started to do it with my kids and telling my kids to give other people hugs too and I told my kids they didn't have to and I'd back them up but it's so hard to advocate for yourself as a child and be out in that situation
@@lisak5804 yes! And if you try to say no it's met with something like "oh what's the big deal, it's just a hug (in this case)" and at face value it's true, for me, that's why it is so hard to argue against. They don't want to see what it means to impose a choice on your child over and over again because they get something out of it. Good for you on creating boundaries with your kids! My sister doesn't let her kids see my parents and has basically gone no contact at this point. It's been hard, but they are better off, undoubtedly.
Whenever my father comes to visit, he berates me about not buying a house or being able to drive and has little to talk about otherwise. I feel the only reason he visits is to exert control.
I had to state certain boundaries with my parent over and over again until finally I said if you bring it up, that’s it we don’t need to talk. She’s not going to change, but the dynamics of the relationship have changed.
I kept trying to have Family Holiday Dinners with my parents. I would be stressed out & uncomfortable. My father would commandeer the conversation and be weirdly aggressive. After gotten my groceries together one year, he decided they weren't coming over because he bought a turkey breast. My mom was pissed because she was looking forward. I wasn't invited. No more "family dinners" at my table after that. I stay home and enjoy movies and my stuffing and cranberry sauce in peace now.
Can you talk about observing and recognizing a toxic abusive family as an outsider, for example your partners family? Or how they act normal when you're around and the dark side comes out when you're gone?
Ask them (lovingly) about their childhood. Their mom. What their most fond memory is with her. With their dad. Etc. Keep in mind, people with toxic families can still grow up to be kind and considerate people. So don't discard them for failing to have a good relationship with their parents. This is not the child's failure as any kid wants to be loved by their mother and valued or respected by their father.
When I was in college, the folks got divorced. Moms turned to me to financially support her, be bossed by her, "I AM YOUR MOTHER," and emotionally depend on me as a small child. And really, really pissed at me for deliberately failing her. After 2 years of that I left, college, community and state, with one semester to go. I finished it 5 years later, then escaped again, making her madder. She never got better, never ever ever forgave, never saw my choices as legitimate in any way.
Oh, I just had a conversation with my mother, and this video came up in my youtube subscription list. She is used to treating me as her personal therapist, something she's been doing since I can remember. I've been going to therapy this year, and asked my mother to stop talking to me about things that aren't in my control, she keeps saying "okay" or "I'm so happy that therapy is working for you" and in the same conversation goes on to tell me about issues she has with my father and a loan my dad recently took. And when I point out that she's crossing a boundary, I just set, she tells me, "I can't talk to you anymore. " or "You just want me to shut up. " Sometimes, talking to her makes me feel so hopeless and frustrated.
Same, in my past when my parents divorced. I had to ask my mom to say his given name vs. “your dad” all the time. Like honey I am not to blame for ya’lls miss communication. And I am trying to date and figure this stuff out myself. A person can only handle so much … Proud of you for going to therapy.
Good on you for going to therapy and exercising that during those unfortunate opportunities, to really get the benefit of boundaries it's actually what you do when they keep crossing them, in this case, since you already told them what you expect, if they keep crossing it you need to stand up and get going. Boundaries aren't about making someone else do something, it's about how we set them up and see that they are respected one way or another by controlling whether we let it happen to us. Good luck to us all, it gets easier with practice and time. Sometimes when parents keep being bothersome like that despite your efforts, you probably need to reduce the amount you're exposed to it and that's okay.
My mother tried to make me her therapist for years. I actually tried to help for a little while. Then I started to get annoyed at her because she wouldn’t follow my advice to find a REAL therapist.
Good for you for going to therapy! Stick with it, and it's not okay for your Mom to work through her personal issues with you. Don't feel bad for drawing that line. You're her kid, not a friend or a therapist.
I think I suffered all of those boundary violations. Mum telling my dad and brothers I’d started my period immediately after I’d asked her not to; mum using me as her therapist; mum telling me all about her marital difficulties and turning me against my dad who wasn’t a good father but it’s left me questioning how much of my anger towards him is truly mine or hers; mum opening my mail; mum forcing me to hand over my savings to a brother, insisting it was a loan and that she’d pay me back but later renaged and told me to get the money back from my brother (who denied any knowledge of a loan). I could go on but the list of boundary violations is too long. All of this left me with a sense that if I set a boundary then I was doing something wrong. I still struggle with boundaries today. And yet I have zero problem in respecting other people’s boundaries!
Oh, I can truly empathise with it. Sounds like our mothers could be mentally cloned. I didn't even tell my mother I had my periods. When she found out 3 years later, I was sitting on toilet, trying to clean myself up. She opened the door (it didn't have a lock) with a grin and yelled so that everybody at home could hear: "YOU CAN TAKE THOSE PADS IN THE CLOSET". I had to tell her multiple times to close the door and go away but she didn't until I screamed at her to shut the f-ing door and get the f out of there. Then she was hurt I treated her so badly when she just wanted to help. This is insane how those parents can even weaponise their children's bodily functions against them.
@@Trammiliin_nr2I totally feel your pain. Our mother never spoke to us about periods, like it was a shameful event, to which led us to feel that it was something to never discuss. What a hateful woman she was and still is, although I broke off contact with her years ago.
The parent who treats the other sibling different than me... yeah, like giving my sister preferential treatment and being overly rude and critical towards me, the one who needs all the love in the world and who's already really struggling with feeling alone.
The way you present the content is so helpful and easy to understand. Btw if your mom regularly bashes people behind their back, including your siblings, you can safely assume she's doing the same about you. Narcissist parents go one level up and not only tell someone else what you told them but they slightly twist it in a way that makes you look bad, like exaggerate what you said or they might even add to it, saying you laughed at someone when you didn't et cetera, it seems sometimes that they use you as a cover to get their own internal judgemental feelings out about something but not be perceived negatively themselves and in the same breath make you look bad especially to people that you have a good standing with.
My ex-husband and I used to visit my in-laws weekly; my ex would go be with his mother, and I ended up stuck listening to my FIL trash-talk everyone in the world; his siblings, his neighbors, even his other (not present) children! I had the thought after a while, “I bet he trash-talks me when I’m not around, too! 😑”.
Minute 1:43 "......She was a master at shaming you for having a normal reaction" Holy crap, that was triggering, you knocked it out of the park with that one line. Spot on 1000%. I have never ever thought about it in that way, wow. That is exactly why I've never had normal dating relationships or even friends and then the guy I married.....every time I felt violated or a boundary crossed or anything that would warrant some type of confrontation ......I always retreat, I never thought I was worthy to speak up or call someone out. It's like other people do that but not someone like me. I can't even put it in words but I'm thinking you (Patrick) get it. I left my husband and found myself going down that familiar road again and again. Now I've totally become reclusive and don't engage whatsoever with really anyone. I don't know how to fix it and have a normal healthy reciprocal relationship
My oldest sister was my "toxic parent" and still is. She is 80 and still gives gifts galore to please herself and withholds them if/when she is disappointed in me. ( I was one of the younger siblings she had to help care for) I am no-contact , now after a long spell where she went no-contact with me (27years) but chose to get together again. After two visits (and six or eight gifts) she again messaged me that she is disappointed in me. I am 72 and this still affects choices I need to make regarding family matters; like whether to visit a different sister in the hospital. It is very hard to move on.
Getting the silent treatment, especially when you’re making perfect sense in a calm way, is the most invalidating and infuriating experience. Some people are masters at it.
For the "it's not confidential" I had no idea when I was or wasn't supposed to share information. I'm only just now beginning to get it. And I'm 40. I think it has a lot to do with neurodivergency but also poor modelling with my parents. "My beliefs are yours now": I remember so many times my dad would call me up to tell me what to think. And when my sister believed in evolution he would call me up to try to force me to force her to believe. I realized I didn't care about the past, so I avoided the conversation entirely, but I still struggle with believing I can speak my mind or ask for help.
@@ushere5791 my default is to just remind people to always specify. And I double check a lot. I still mess up some, but a lot less. I'm pretty comfortable checking in these days.
I turned 65 yesterday. My parents both passed on over a decade ago. They still don't know if I even graduated high school - they never asked. I was an honour student too but skipped both graduation and prom. What was the point? No interest or celebration. Zip. I still shake my head at that.
You described my parents to a tee. They relished dishing out public humiliation, especially when it came to exposing my mistakes, failures, and misfortunes. Their ultimate goal was to recruit flying monkeys who would join in the chorus, as if it wasn't bad enough just knowing that others knew my secrets.
Me too, all of it. I am 50 as well and whenever I see my parents (which isn’t often, we are low contact), they are still trying to treat me as a child and cross all of these boundaries.
Thank you for the healing suggestion of “letting people fail.” It’s def been a big thing since childhood to instinctively want to take care of others and quickly try to find a solution to their problems and then sometimes may even feel guilty at questioning whether we’d said the right advice or not, or if we said enough. Often left wondering why no one gives as much as I do. Or that it’s unfair bc I put in so much effort and gave so much of myself to help someone, that I never get the same in return, or am only met with silence.
It's a hard lesson. I still struggle with getting things I need let alone want! At least it looks like an odd attitude and I get better at it all the time. ❤
As soon as I got to number 2 my heart sank. My parents exploited my rare autoimmune disease and would go into great depth to strangers about my health history, all to shill their MLM products as a panacea for my condition. And when I finally caught them in the act once, horrified and embarrassed, the confrontation was not pretty.
Confidential issue hits hard. The worst was when my mom took me with her to a 12 step meeting when I was about 8 (which was inappropriate in and of itself; usually she left me outside). I was vulnerable and shared with the group as everyone else was doing. Afterward, she told my dad (her alcoholic ex) what I said there, just because she thought it was interesting and was making conversation while dropping me off at his house. Just one example. It's no wonder that I kind of felt like no one can be trusted, and just used to live my life as if trustworthy people weren't ever a real option that existed.
It sure feels like everyone is carrying some childhood traumas, and so few are consciously willing to do the work to both heal and be able to parent children effectively. Not repeating family trauma is a true success… which our children receive the nectar from. My job, as a parent, is to model compassion, curiosity, courage… and to be accountable for any mistakes I may make. Cultivating healthy boundaries and emotional intelligence in our children puts them on a path to true independence while also being present & active in the world. It’s a beautiful experience being able to give my child a far more wholesome & loving childhood than I could have imagined as a child.
The last two boundaries are so intertwined with cultural and gender based expectations, can definitely relate as a POC + an oldest daughter. Also adding the healthy parenting examples helps so so much in giving ideas on how to be better for my future kids
So i was put into a therapist/parent role. I am the oldest, and yeah, i really wanted to help my parents stop arguing. I feel cheated that i wasn’t able to just be a kid. Anger sadness and grief all wrapped behind a people pleaser persona. Thanks for this video cause i didn't know what it was called, to know too much.
Hell yeah, I have been my family therapist all my life and I'm the youngest child in my family 😂😂... never got to talk about my problems, only made to listen to and validate their crap
I was recently talking with someone about my childhood, and he said incredulously, "So, they just trauma dumped all over you?" Boy did he cut to the heart of it while I hadn't seen it that way before.
@@BPLdenver Coming to realizations about how my father acts -_- What a perfect way to explain it. Trauma dumped all over me, indeed... I know more about his childhood than he knows about mine.
Your story is heart wrenching even if you did eventually get the money.😮. The info you’re providing is awesome. Finally it all makes sense. Thanks! I’m 77 I guess it’s never too late. Here’s to joy.
Mom dragging us out to wait in line for Beanie Babies at 3am in subzero January weather, giving us money and threatening to ground us if we didn't go into the store on our own and individually buy them because the store had a limit of "only X per customer" when she wanted to buy more than that. Absolute psycho.
Sounds like she was behaving in an addictive way. Addicts will put everything else after their addiction. Yes, it’s incredibly destructive for their kids! 💔
Wow this brings up so many boundary crossings in childhood that i forgot: my mom buying me a diary then confronting me about a boy I wrote about a few days later; my stepmom taking my class ring that I had misplaced to teach me a lesson (without telling me), etc. No wonder i have a hard timetrusting that journaling is safe & I'm always worried someone will take something if I misplace it. Too many other things to list. As always Patrick, your videos are so eye opening & helpful!
For those of us dealing with mail thieves, or if you just need some privacy, you might be able to send your mail directly to the nearest post office and pick it up yourself with ID.
I went through my process of distinguishing myself when I was in my mid-30s. 🙃 I refer to it as going through my teens in my 30s. I heavily revised my religious, political, and societal views. I still feel like I don't have it completely nailed down. I struggle with the discomfort of feeling it isn't as certain and safe as the ironclad set of fundamental values my family of origin adhered to. But I allow myself to feel it, without requiring myself to jump into another rigid set of beliefs. Going through this process changed my parenting exponentially. I still have improvements to make. But seeing my parents accurately helped me see myself more accurately too. This has healed many hurts in my older, teen children. ❤
My mother did this takeover of our joint bank account for college that I'd been putting money into from my crappy high school jobs. And then she moved away, leaving me no place to live to work at my summer job before starting college. She had stopped drinking a few years earlier and this is how she chose to behave, sober. She had to leave the place where her ex-husband, my father, lived. Her custody of me was basically holding her back from a life without my father and a life with out me. She didn't tell me what was happening with the money until after she took it. A few weeks before graduation, she told me she was moving away. The movers would arrive on the day of my graduation. I asked her if she could put it off. No. She could not do that. All of this confirmed that I could not trust her. I've worked very hard on my "issues" about my father, who was very different and outright abusive. But my mother could not/would not protect me from him and was shocked when I confided in her about the abuse. Thank you for reading this.
I got my period at camp in 1978. When I got home, I raided my mom’s Kotex box on the sly because I was too embarrassed to tell her. She figured it out and came into my room for, “The talk.” Afterwards, I begged her not to tell my two older brothers and she said she wouldn’t. The next morning at breakfast my 15 year old brother blurts out in front of my other brother and my dad,“Soooooooooo….” 🙄
I always think about my first period as a super illustrative example of how unsafe i felt in the way i was being raised too. In my case i had accidentally swallowed a hot pink gel pen cap after chewing on it basically as an ADHD fidget thing i think (i was undiagnosed but in retrospect had ADHD). I was so ashamed i had done this and when i first got a trace of my period on my underwear it was the same time I'd had a bowel movement and saw the still bright pink and in tact smooth gel pen cap come out of my body into the toilet. So what was really going on was i wasn't 100% sure it was my period. I thought i might've poisoned myself with the ink in the plastic and i didn't know what a first period really looked like and i was afraid of being punished for accidentally swallowing it when i knew i shouldn't have been chewing on it. This all happened at my grandmother's house. She was my mom's mother and i knew she'd just tell my mom. I didn't feel safe to confide in either my mom or my grandmother. So i waited out 24 hrs of staining my underwear and feeling more and more likely it was probably my period until i was safely far away visiting my dad over an hour from home when at that point i asked him to look at my underwear and basically wanted his judgment on if he thought it was a period. And he made me call my mom!! Ugh. At least i was a safer distance from her. And no one ever found out the gel pen story until i was an adult and i think i told my dad eventually. Without the gel pen context there was no reason for shame and fear really so even my Monster mom didn't traumatize me about it. But it was realizing how vulnerable and unsafe i felt where i thought i might be experiencing a health concern but because it would have been accidentally self inflicted and blamed on me i felt completely unsafe to ask for help. It's such a ridiculously memorable milestone moment where i chose to be as far away from my mom as possible when she found out for reasons all linked up in the childhood trauma.
My mother would barge into the bathroom unexpectedly. Her and her bf would take my toys and throw them in the trash any time I would try to talk about my concerns. The rest of the time I was neglected and took on a caretaker role. I was constantly ignored. I’m so glad Patrick can speak to these things. It seems like it’s common as sad as that is. I recently have accepted I was abused as a child and I’m glad to start healing. I’m realizing traumatized kids are innocent children and how can an innocent child be responsible for such abuse? An innocent child does not want to believe there are monsters in the world, let alone in their own family. Thank you Patrick for your work in enlightening those who had been stuck in this pattern.
😢 I’m the parent doing this, I discovered I suffer from C-PTSD. I’m grateful for UA-cam and through these videos and with The Crappy Childhood Fairy, I’m learning and doing better everyday. I’m grateful it isn’t severe. I’m attune to it….to prevent it further. I graciously thank you. 💐🙏🦋💖✨🌟
Oh what awful stuff. My mother wanted a copy of herself so she could look good through me, but was also jealous in case I did look good. I was drafted as her mother, dump for her many dislikes and sufferings and ally against my father, her father.... Boundaries were so,so trashed! I still have a hard time with how angry this makes me. The outfall of defensiveness and caution are incredible. Little by little I excavate and defang this stuff, along with assuring my inner child that she is not to worry how big me thinks or feels, she is not here to take care of me!
It is okay to be very angry at being violated so much! “Writing a letter” that never gets sent could be a good way to work through such intense feelings! 😫🤬😭
I remember feeling cut off from emotional support too. Then when I withdrew to protect myself my mom would want me to sit on her lap so she could show me affection. I remember it feeling uncomfortable but then it was over & she checked off that box or something. It's feels so strange thinking of it even now.
This is a great 👍 topic. Even as adults, boundaries are crossed all the time. Shared some secrets with a fake friend recently and she gossiped about me. She justified it as “we all do it”. Someone else banged on my door. I told them several times NOT TO COME IN, they did anyway. It made me realize as people how much work we have in respecting boundaries. 😢
Why I always feel like I have to whisper when talking about my parents, even when I’m therapy or speaking alone with my partner. I can’t get over the feeling that I’ll be overheard.
I knew about all my dad’s affairs and his struggles with my mom at the age of 13. He confided in me a lot. My mom also hated me. This makes a lot of sense. I also ended up being a therapist for my mother as well at a young age. So far I experienced a lot of these boundaries being crossed. 20:45
Boy this. Dad going sober-again-but driving me around alone slamming beers, smoking joints and driving until I would cry to slow down. Not that it matter sex, but I was a small shy girl..🫣
It sucks when you are the "therapist" for a parent because the other doesn't give them support... Despite BEING A THERAPIST. Yeah. Covert narc therapists are a nightmare. They know EXACTLY how to fly right under everyone's radar and are master manipulators. I was underwater for 35 years before realizing and breaking away. My biggest motivator was my kids. I REFUSE to continue the generational trauma. Our kids will have as healthy an upbringing as we can provide. And thankfully my husband is narc-kryptonite. ❤
Hey, solidarity to you - I, too, have a covert narc parent who is also a therapist. I was the eldest in a mostly single-parent household, so I became the emotional support/fuel for that parent and a second parent to my siblings. Ugh. Congrats to you too on getting away and breaking the cycle.
yes I ended up being the therapist for my covert narc mother when I was a child, I am now training as a therapist and realising just how much my childhood effected me, I have very limited contact and grey rock my Mother now. I would like to go no contact but I know she would create such a drama with my sisters etc and be the wounded victim that it would take too much of my time and energy. So I ring on birthdays and Xmas and that is it. I know I am still the scapegoat and that I get bad mouthed all the time for being the 'difficult' one. You'd think if I was so difficult she would be happy to let me go, but she has a need for me to be around so she has someone to blame for everything, as well as make her feel powerful as she attempts to covertly demean me, dominate and control... I'm not doing that any more.
My mother sent me and my younger brother outside to search in my father’s vehicle for signs a women had been in it. She shared with us little kids that she suspected my father had been with someone else. We found cigarettes with lipstick on the butts. We told her this. We were in early elementary school. I don’t remember if she said anything to my father or not. Another time she & my father had a really scary sounding fight. Mother told us to get in her car because we’re leaving. She drove around a lot and aired her grievances about my father. She eventually drove back to the house because she said my father would kill her if she left (I actually don’t think he would have. He never touched her, but they had horrible fights.) This whole thing was just another “knowing too much.”
Thank you so much patrick! This was yet again done so well. I love your calm nature, your humility and honesty, you're willingness to share personal examples, and you're making the information so accessible by keeping from too much heaviness and giving concrete examples that we can relate to. Thank you for all the work you put into these, you are helping so many people.
My mother told me she was going to buy me a tiny monkey, just to see me having a happy child face, as she admitted later, and didn't give a crap about me being sad then. Again, sadly checking all the boxes with both my parents today... But REALLY helpful video, because you tell so much about healthy parenting.
Patrick, you didn’t miss a thing. You are so spot on it’s a joy to listen listen to you and I hang on your every word. Thank you so much for making the non-sensible “make sense”. As babies and young children we could never understand the maniacal intent of toxic parent(s). And learning about it later in life as an adult is still incredibly hard. We basically have to re-wire our neuro pathways. So easy!!! Hahah - thx again, you’re the best.
Thank you. I needed this video because my mom decided she needs to come visit (my dogs) and I'm sure one or more of these will come up. Last time I had to see her I made a bingo card of toxic stuff I thought would come up and ended up with blackout so I bought myself a motorcycle as a reward lol. Even though I'm in my late 30s with a PhD it still gets to me, but the bingo card has been helpful in case anyone out there wants a suggestion.
My mom told me about being assaulted twice in her life without telling anyone else in my family, totally casually in a normal conversation. She would clearly despise my father and then say that she didn't when I questioned why she didn't just leave him and protect us from him if he was so bad. I found out when I was sixteen that she tried to k*ll herself when I was a kid. I remembered the day that it happened but no one told me until I was a teenager that that's what happened. I'm thirty four now and I learned yesterday that she tried to unalive herself multiple times. I'm sad for her but after decades of trying to get her to take care of herself, I'm not going to take on her burdens as my own.
Something that helps me is to say in my head "I am not the source of your suffering, I give you back your self and wish you well" when my mum uses me as therapist. She refuses to talk to someone trained in dealing with mental health therapy because of bad experiences in the past
@drawingmomentum she had the best medical care in the world. She inherited millions, had about ¼million left, hemorrhaged money. That and someone finally stood up to her lies. Not me. Long story.
Soooo relevant to what I've been experiencing soooo long. The intuitive compass being severely broken. I'm only now starting to feel able to trust myself. Reasons why planned parenthood should be an option... If you're going to be selfish and raise a child you shouldn't... You don't get to be offended when they rightfully turn on you for the string of neglect dominoes that will inevitably fall.
Oh my god the thing about confidentiality is so helpful. I always tell myself it wasn't that bad when my mom would do that (even when I was an adult). But it really does get in the way in therapy. I've read that Journaling is helpful but it's really hard for me to do it because yeah even though I live alone I do have this VISCERAL FEAR that my notes and journals will be found and read by someone. So i feel like even when I do it I still censor myself and never write down my real thoughts so it's less effective. I wouldn't complain about seeing more on this topic and how to cope with that issue so it doesn't get in the way forever.
#4...totally. You must be like me...because if you aren't you are not worth loving. Oh, and you are not allowed to have boundaries of your own. Looking forward to this either live or later.
Thank you, Patrick. Yep - when your mother gets on the phone and tells her friend about your crush, and the friend blabs it, and soon it's common knowledge... 🤬 I was NOT parentified to my parents, but it seemed that i was made responsible for the behavior and the emotional state of the golden child, (the youngest). Anything i earned or created was seen as a resource for her, (even above being for me), and the middle child and i were scolded with "Why can't you keep her happy???" I felt powerless, knowing that almost ALL conflict would be decided in favor of the GC, (right or wrong), so avoided conflict by avoiding the GC, (who loved to start conflict, knowing she would win). For decades as an adult, i have been repeatedly raked over the coals for "not including" the GC. The scapegoat just can't win. Ever. 🙄
The scapegoat cannot be allowed to win, bc if the scapegoat isn't as terrible as they perceive, then maybe they aren't as wonderful as they want to be either-- and they cannot accept their own imperfections.
I just realized how much damage my aunt did with her fear. She was afraid of everything. She was 5 when her father died which I'm sure triggered that 😢😢😢
I have found just understanding why I have these triggers (and boy are some of them random) helps me process them and get triggered less often. Just being aware of what is happening and why helps a lot.
Yeah, like when my mother told us kids she could have done better than our Dad. Telling us she could have had a fellow who had a scholarship to Villa Nova College. Always badmouthing Dad. Picked fights with him.
I definitely went through most of these… but the “My beliefs are yours”, especially. They try to isolate you and be little versions of them. My mom even said to me (as an adult): “I expect you to take all of my advice”. Which is gross, but even more disgusting when you take into consideration that I would never actually ask for her advice, it’s all unsolicited. So, basically, it’s “You need to do everything I say because your life is about me”.
25 and my mother just now is realizing I'm not her mini-me like she thinks I am. We have similar emotional understanding (hyper-empathy) and actions, we look similar, but I am NOT her. I even now can actually express to her that "well ik you're having this issue, we're the same person and ik how I'd react" to get her to listen to me more 😅
My mother was a narcissist and secretly took my award check that I had won in a music competition. I asked where the money was and she just said that she spent it.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro & Story TIme
4:00 Format of Video
4:18 Nothing to See Here
4:42 Nothing to See Here (Examples)
6:23 Nothing to See Here (Boundaries Crossed)
7:30 Nothing to See Here (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
8:22 Nothing to See Here (Overcoming This Trigger)
9:20 Nothing to See Here (Healthy Reparenting)
9:55 It's Not Confidential
10:38 It's Not Confidential (Examples)
13:25 It's Not Confidential (Boundaries Crossed)
14:21 It's Not Confidential (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
15:13 It's Not Confidential (Overcoming This Trigger)
16:08 It's Not Confidential (Healthy Reparenting)
16:57 You're Here For Me
17:10 You're Here For Me (Examples)
19:45 You're Here For Me (Boundaries Crossed)
20:52 You're Here For Me (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
21:48 You're Here For Me (Overcoming This Trigger)
22:48 You're Here For Me (Healthy Reparenting)
23:45 My Beliefs Are Yours Now
25:23 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Examples)
26:39 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Boundaries Crossed)
28:08 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
29:42 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Overcoming This Trigger)
30:50 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Healthy Reparenting)
32:32 Final Thoughts
33:07 Motives Diagram
35:49 Final Thoughts (continued)
36:35 Connect With Me
36:55 Outro
The format is incredibly simple in the best way. I am so grateful you broke it down like this, because it’s so easy to over complicate and confuse- this format fosters such an ease of understanding
Thank you Patrick! I'm sharing your videos with other people all the time now. So thankful for you.
thanks Patrick these timestamps make it easier to take notes!
Thank you so very much for your wisdom, perspectives, time and validations on these. Its so relieving to know that the things I had experienced have names and I am now being taken much more seriously
Does being hit as a child also count as being part of the Beliefs section of the video? Wondering where I can look deeper into this topic of conditional love and physical discipline
They monitor you for joy so they can quickly try to squash it
Damn that is well-put
Feel this
Words I've never had, but experienced!
oof. yes! I know this well.
Yep, my nmom becomes visibly upset and triggered when I laugh with my friend on the phone. I was the scapegoat in the house. Glad I got out of that hellhole. Felt like I escaped a psychiatric unit.
Parents keeping secrets yet not allowing the child to have any there's a huge boundary violation in my family.
I can relate. Now as an adult one of the biggest dealbreakers is if someone violates my privacy boundaries!
@@FreyaGemexactly. I don't wait for an explanation. They're out of my life at the first betrayal
THE SECRETS: not admitting child abuse, not admitting alcoholism, not admitting financial irresponsibility, not providing medical attention - all the while convincing the church that she’s done it all, suffered the burden of carrying it all.
yikes❤️🩹 so true
Mine is the kind who will already have a conversation behind my back with someone and then sit in my face and listen to my concerns about the individual as if they were hearing it for the first time.
Planning a trip with my ex and a mutual associate and not saying a word.
Being a listening ear to my significant and never telling me. Stating later they didn't want to hurt my feelings because the person didn't speak much about me.
Trying to talk to people around me who they only know because I shared their contact or introduced them from my circle, to get information without speaking to me directly. Its as if they want to form an alliance with them excluding me. It sounds petty but it's a reality.
Years of nonsense and they never want to have a true conversation about this behavior.
A misstep for me that’s happened more than once: my son is 4, and sometimes he does things or says things that I think are funny or cute or clever and I tell my mom about it and I can visibly see him shrinking back when I tell her. I didn’t realize that he would feel that way until I saw him feel it. I’m learning not to share things about him as entertainment, because it really is a betrayal of his trust in me. Building me up while it’s tearing him down, and I hate that for us both. It’s better for me to be quietly proud of him, esteem him highly, and be amused by him, without over sharing
That's so wonderful you noticed and respect that now. We all make mistakes. Can't imagine how hard it must be to acknowlege you have been doing something wrong in terms of relations with your child. Much love to you ❤
Wow I love this, I was telling my sister in law about my daughter's eczema and although she's only 2 she got really embarrsed and said "don't say that" I'm going to give her more privacy now with her struggles ❤
Agree! We all need to zip the lip when dealing with other's feelings and growth.
I've learned this the hard way.
Zip that Lip 💋
Thank you.
Oh my gosh, you are doing really well perceptively, I hated hearing people talk about me as a kid even if it was good- sometimes I’d start acting the opposite way and then not even know why. 👍
"You're here for me" describes my childhood perfectly. I learned about money issues, affairs, drama with the neighbors, what they thought about each other's inlaws (my grandparents), what they thought about my siblings, etc. I wanted to be a good oldest daughter and was fascinated by what was told. In adulthood, I can see how they didn't protect my right to learn things at age appropriate times.
We were their voluntold therapists.
This is what happened to me as well.
That's me too. I became "house mom" in my tween years. My own mother died when I was little. My dad and older brither made me their free therapist, cook, coparent, co-conspirator, etc. The worst part was that neither really respected my opinion or views. I had the responsibilities of a mom/wife but no respect or authority. I remember how this sapped my energy and sense of self. It was awful.
I was Kinnie's Puppet while Amdria/ Windy ABUSED me , then 20 yrs later called me a "homosexual"...Havoc Makers
💔 “I wanted to be a good oldest daughter.”
I was raised to believe that I had no safe space of my own in my childhood home. If I tried to lock myself in my room to get out of a fight with my mother, she would pick the lock and break in, screaming at me. The house was hers and so was everything in it, including my bedroom. She even rented out my room to a stranger at one point and made me sleep in bed with her and share a room with her at age 11-12. I’ve grown to be very protective of my own space. I live alone with my son and my pets and find it extremely difficult to live with anyone else, especially a romantic partner. I get very triggered when things in my space are messed with or misplaced by others. My home is my fortress and I have a difficult time letting anyone in, physically.
Lindsay, your comment triggered a memory of when I was about 6-8 years old. I woke up one morning to discover an adult female in my bed, complete stranger! Not a word was ever spoken before..or after...or Ever re who/what this was about!
Apparently a person known to parent (s) as there was lots of jovial noise from downstairs as I was in shock still in my bed. Never introduced to me. Guess I was just to go with it...
(one of so many boundaries crossed)
@@summacumsoap8983I lived in a sometimes party house. Someone was probably going too hard and needed to lay down. 🙄Children didn’t not only not matter sometimes we were invisible
thats my childhood.
Oh wow I’m the same way
Wow okay, that's really another level of fucked up but that thing with not being allowed to lock yourself in a room sounds familiar. Mom confiscated all the keys to the bedrooms and when I discovered that the bathroom key locked my room door and did it once, she confiscated that one permanently, too... Still isn't in that lock years later... When she was angry I was actually worried that she would kick down the door if I didn't open up 😬
After being trapped in the car with my mom for 12 hours, she slowed down to a crawl a block before my house so she could continue telling me off. She ignored my requests to get out of the car so I finally grabbed the wheel and steered toward the curb (going maybe 2 mph). She still tells people that I tried to kill her. Then she lost a couple hundred dollars and told my friends I stole it…without even asking me about it. My friends tried to shame me over it since she was so perfect and sweet with them. She never said anything to them when she found it.
I believe you. Sorry your friends didn't support you, sounds like she manipulated them too in order to control perception of the situation entirely. I just want you to know that I hear what you're saying and I believe you, and I hope you find resolution and peace moving forward.
@@Commander_McSmirky thank you so much!
Sounds like an absolute nightmare- hopefully you do not have to be anywhere near her anymore.
That is literally scary as heck. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced that horror, and the betrayal of your own friends.
" your mother is so nice. She would never do that." 😡
My family crosses boundaries a lot in the "My beliefs are yours now" category. The further I get away from it, the more it looks like a small cult with my father as the ringleader. It's so weird waking up from that and trying to be in the world without it.
💯💯
I can totally identify with you. It took me decades to realize how cult-like my childhood family was like and is still like. It’s scary knowing that I am still the only one who recognizes it!
Same, I seldom go back to visit but when I do it's like visiting an alternate reality.
Same!
My inner child is congratulating me right now because it's a miracle how much of my own toxic upbringing has not been continued in me as a mother.
I cringe at what I have been ignorant to, but it's never to late to improve your parenting skills. My son is now 27 years old & I know the work I am doing on myself makes me a better parent & has a healthy influence on his life.
I used to be very afraid of close relationships--romantic relationships, loving platonic friendships, whatever--because I equated love with scrutiny and inspection. Eventually a therapist asked me, "Can you imagine experiencing anything else in a close relationship? Something like...support?" And no, honest to goodness, that possibility hadn't occurred to me before. I realize now my family was enmeshed in some pretty significant ways.
"I equated love with scrutiny and inspection" -- another light bulb moment after a whole video of light bulb moments. Thank you!
This is so me, too. It’s terrible and isolating. I hope to recover some day and be able to trust people.
What is this "support" you speak of?
That's precisely how I feel! Every time I imagine myself with someone I imagine them scrutinizing me, my choices, my life. Just everything. Hasn't really occurred to me to imagine support. Thanks for your insight!
Support? People can just be in a relationship and… support? Eachother? Not try to use and control eachother, take advantage of every vulnerability? Yes, I’ve learned this is, in fact, possible l, now, but I sure didn’t learn that from my parents! 😬
I gave my mother my favorite book called "Empaths." I felt it would help her really know me and understand me. A week later, I asked how she liked it. She smile/smirked and said, "I gave it to your brother." She didn't care enough about me to even read it. That was a soul crusher..
😓
Yes. My Mum doesn't keep books ( too much clutter and my step dad doesn't approve) 😢🤬😭
@kriskairn3715 Apparently prefer to remain ignorant
🤗 Ouch so sorry 😢
Did you tell her openly about your need of being understood or that it would mean a lot to you if she'd read (parts of) it?
Asothers said, your frustration is totally valid. Just want to make sure you communicate your needs openly, so they can be met.
They simply did not allow boundaries, on our parts. Punished for our "rebelliousness" for even trying to have any. Starting from babyhood. Somehow our very physical growth and maturation enraged them, when they noticed. I'm still finding pockets of problems that have this as an element. At 74 years old.
At 71, we're in the same neighborhood.
Yeah. I can so relate.
It’s great you’re dedicated to your growth Jean, Godspeed. Seeing it kind of like an insane asylum we escaped from as someone here described it. Such a tragic comedy, on a stage, actors and such… Now we see it. Now we heal it.
Oooof, this comment was very relatable.
Boundaries equalled Disrespect
And Disrespect meant I would suffer, somehow.
Dear Gd I don't want my daughter to understand. I'm trying every day to break that cycle. She's 16 months old. It's hard work, but so important.
Seems it can take experiencing most of a lifetime before reality comes into focus.
I will never forget my father taking my phone when I was 19 and looking through private photos of myself and my then boyfriend. He showed all my family members and even talked openly about how his body looked. This lack of privacy always made it hard to talk about abuse from him. It still feels like he's omniscient and knows any time I say something bad about him.
That is disgusting.
So sorry you experienced such evil.
Was your father secretly gay?
I ask because it seems interesting to me that he was talking about your boyfriend's body. Maybe he was ashamed of himself for his own secret desires
@@stephaniestclair5665 i could definitely see that.
I stopped journaling. It was so bad that I struggled to write daily thoughts about the news for a class in college. Putting my feelings on paper is still painful and feels exposing.
Same here. My mother would constantly go through my stuff and then when she couldn't find anything accuse me of being "so secretive".
@@shadowfax9177yeah the accusations and anger when I stopped writing everything was the worst.
Mother read my journals so I switched to foreign languages which I was good at and I keep journalling in English up until this day (I'm Russian)
This is a huge one for me! I want to so bad but I don't know if I'll ever get over that paranoia
How sad. I think I understand. My mom would go through my room when I was out. Once I was at the beach with a friend and my mom went through my room and found contraception my dresser. She made a big deal about me having the foam. contraception. I belittled her when she accused me of acting like a whore. If her accusations were true I’d have been he fism with me!
I ran away from home two days ago and it’s been exhilarating and terrifying. I’m staying with safe family members and have been shocked by how many people are in my corner supporting my independence. Thank you for sharing all of this great information, you have been my lifeline for the past few years while I’ve built up the courage to escape. ❤️
Wishing you safety & healing. That took guts !
Future you is SO grateful, so proud of your strength!!! One day at a time!!!
Wish you luck.
Never question your desigion you did a right thing.
Don't come back, don't talk to them if you don't want. Your life is more important to you than supporting theirs unhealthy traits.
Going back is fatal. They will discard you and it will be 100 times more cruel each time. You can do it, you won't die. I promise that much. Please don't go back.
I ran away as a young adult, too, since I was still living with my parents. I had nobody to go to, so I stayed in my car for weeks or with people I did not know. Please don't make the same mistake as me and don't let them enmesh you again. I wish you all the best and that you may heal from all of what you have experienced.
My mom literally sent out a quarterly e-mail newsletter with all of our family business in it - including her ex husband. And she wonders why we don’t tell her anything
Oh dear God, how intrusive 🤨
My narc mother violated ALL bounderies and I was allowed NONE. Very unhealthy childhood. Patrick’s videos are always enlightening for me. I suggest to others who were abused to look up the topic of “Emotional Incest”.
spot on, and look up parentification and parental alienation.
All the best to you 😊
There's a book called The Emotional Incest Syndrome which explains it really well. Sometimes it's hard to find good sources on that topic.
You are not alone. Took the words outta my mouth. My mom killed herself 1 year 2 days ago.
@@electriceyeballI hope you have support and that you flourish after such a long awful time. Vampire mothers really are h*ll.
I have exactly one clearly communicated boundary woth my room mate, that when my door is closed I want privacy, and yet it seems every time I close my door she must have a detector that notifies her phone so she knows to come and knock. I can't have my door shut for FIVE MINUTES without her trying to invade my privacy. If I try simply not responding to her knock, she accuses me of ignoring her in a way that violates her boundaries.
I need to gtfo...
I am so sorry about this. My daughter had a college roommate that wanted to CONTORL everyone in the HOUSE! In. every. way. She demanded they all get together for prayer for meals, just weird. These were older college adult females, not freshman and it wasn't a religiously based university. We are people of faith. HOWEVER, my daughter had her own classes, jobs, and a boyfriend. This weird woman had once worked for my daughters dads second wife...made it worse... ewww.
My narc mother crossed ALL bounderies. I was NOT allowed bounderies even into adulthood until I moved out of the house. Emotional incest to
My narc mother crossed the line in every which way Patrick mentioned. She was a very sick person. Thank you to Patrick he has help me understand my childhood trauma more fully and guide my healing.
Do not disturb sign. Or back in the office at____ time?
Tell her DONT BOTHER ME WHEN MY DOOR IS CLOSED. RESPECT MY PRIVACY. If she keeps violating your boundary, leave.
BIG one with my mom around "It's not confidential". I felt exposed, exposed, exposed, vulnerable and learned it was unsafe to share. OMG.."my beliefs are your beliefs"...Oh yeah. IF I didn't agree with her (she was a single parent) then there was hell to pay. Her paradigm of "Men leave, men suck, Mean only want....." came up with such force when I fell in love in college. She did everything she could to break us up and then disowned me. Boy did that send me into years of processing stuff of I thought we were best friends, I thought she loved me etc. We went no contact and she never looked back. I've been happily married for 37 years building my own life, the way I want and with whom I want.
I could have written this.
@@monicadlynn YOu are not alone!
I love that you were able to do that! And I hope you can say from the bottom of your heart that you, too, have never looked back ❤
Mother Gothel on the slide "You're here for me" is so fitting. 😖 I saw Tangled in the theatre with my covert narcissist mother. Might sound silly, but it was triggering for me to witness the abusive character behaving so similarly (even using the same verbiage like "Mother knows best") as my own abuser sat next to me.
I had the same feeling when I saw her on here too!! She was my mother's favorite character...I remember telling her the mom in the movie scared me and she would sing the song to taunt me when I wasn't behaving according to her standards. So uncanny!!
I saw Tangled with my covert narc mother-in-law! I felt icky just like you! Glad to know I'm not alone!
The song from Meghan Trainor "I am your mother" - cannot listen to it. When it came out and UA-cam was pushing it, I literally had to stop browsing my content for bits because some of the lyrics were triggering
Similar experience -and my mother looked like her! 😅 all the grandkids saw & made comments -my mother didn't agree.
Yes! I saw Tangled first time before starting my healing journey, before I even knew my family was far from healthy. I couldn't comprehend why I found Gothel the most terrifying Disney villain. After I learned more and more throughout the years, understood the abuse I went through, the answer started to get abundantly clear: I watched a movie that had my mum in it.
I enjoy your use of the word “seduce” here. It helps me to understand just how inappropriate these behaviors are/were. Thank you Patrick!
You're welcome!
I’m glad that’s not mostly my situation. But I’m sad that’s because my parents were traumatised by their parents, so they clearly were avoiding such behaviour with us.
For example, when our grandmother first lived with us for several months, me and brother were very confused that she didn’t understand that you need to KNOCK in the door, ask and then come. She was also confused, especially when mother told her that it’s a rule in this family because of HER OWN behaviour in mother’s childhood.
“But they are just kids”, - grandmother said. “They are my kids, not yours”,- simply answered mom.
I have tricky family, but doors were sacred and only now I understand how that added just a bit of so needed sanity.
What you said about confidence betrayals as a form of ownership really hit home 😮💨
It is way too common in these families : (
My uncle gave me a beautiful gold necklace. I left it and anything expensive with my parents when I went to college. My mother started wearing it; which I didn't mind, but then she paired it with a pendant that she said wouldn't go with any other necklace and kept it as an item with her jewelry. When I got upset and said it was a gift from my uncle, she said that she shared everything with me and that I had given a piece of another gift from the same uncle to my grandmother as if my giving one thing was morally equivalent of her taking another.
The hardest for me wasn't the abuse but trying to fit into society with what I learnt was normal from my family and getting in trouble for my behavior. Having to relearn how to live as an adult, knowing it will never be perfect.
💯
My birth-giver told her sister "What matters more to you, your salvation or your son?", asking her to move to Washington with her and she said no (my aunt wanted to stay with her son).
This was shortly after I silently cut off my mom for telling me she won't support me until I become christian. I felt so hurt and so enraged that my mother could throw me away like that, when all I ever did was try to connect with her and love myself. Those two things are mutually exclusive. There is no world where my mother and myself can coexist. I have to either sacrifice myself or let her go.
Conditional love is the root of christianity. Salvation is conditional.
@@Triple_J.1 I respectfully disagree with you on this. It's just people being people and manipulating others hiding behind whatever they can find, whether that's religion or whatever. No-one can force another person to convert and there's no biblical basis for this either. It's sad that religion can be weaponised by unstable people
Wow. I really resonated with the last part of your comment. I think a big reason I'm having a hard time giving up weed and alcohol is because I don't feel like I'm being my authentic self. Did your mother, by chance, tell you "it's her way or the highway" or that "children are meant to be seen and not heard."
@@publicserviceannouncement4777 Oh yes, "Seen but not heard" was one of her favorites to tell me
I picked this video to accompany me in picking an outfit for Easter tomorrow. I didn’t think I’d hear something that, in the final section of the video with the “my beliefs are yours” part, would stop me in my tracks and slump half clothed against the wall and just close my eyes like “this is what my parents do” they took away my autonomy by telling me I didn’t need to do any job but only get good grades, so I got those grades. Found out I was gay and I don’t think that my fundamentalist, Pentecostal, evangelical, charismatic, nondenominational Christian parents could ever comprehend the depth of pain they would cause me throughout my life. I live with them for medical and financial reasons. I have put my foot down after Covid lockdowns at their church lifted I refused to go in. Then when my mother would harass me via text and calling me about whether or not I heard the sermon, I would always say yes I did and she’d fucking quiz me. I go to a Lutheran church now even though I’d consider myself agnostic. At this church, they tell me I’m not demon possessed, I’m not diseased and controlled by a spirit of homosexuality, I’m not disgusting, and that they accept me for who I am. I don’t know how I’d be alive right now if it wasn’t for the partners I’d met in college who would bring me to their Lutheran church, and if it weren’t for them not being too far from where my parents live, I would not have made it to where I am nearly as easily as I did. And… it wasn’t easy.
My parents taught me only a few things in my life. How to obey. Only their beliefs are correct. I need to rely on them and believe like them. That spanking your kids will just make them hide from you + be afraid of you. And lastly, how it truly feels to fear authority.
They taught me fear. They stole my autonomy. They said just fall in line. They said every other Christian isn’t a true Christian if they’re not like us.
I’d also like to mention that they are extremely political. I’ve truly had to bite my tongue living here. As I come to grips with the trauma I’ve dealt with and that I still experience, I am beginning to taste the anger and the rage I haven’t been able to feel properly.
They are best left in a small black and white world where they don’t know my real beliefs. I know I’d ruin their small worlds if they knew the truth. ❤️🩹
My mother used my abuse for entertainment in front of many of the family members that I loved and trusted including my grandparents and my cousins.
My parents play all sides of the fence. They use us to validate themselves by tearing each other down, and go around the whole family circle and do it over again with my siblings. I was convinced that I was helping my mom leave my dad who is abusive and alcoholic; the things she tells me cause me so much torment. Yet… when I talk to her about his dealings with us growing up she calls me a liar and tells me “he has a good heart.” I’m turning 29 this year and only recently have I recognized that she is 50% of the problem. This after telling her some hard stories and her blatantly saying “well what I REALLY can’t handle is him messing with my work people.” I was speechless because in that moment I realized we were never loved unconditionally by either of them. I still don’t know how to process this. It is a lonely feeling but somehow it validates the loneliness I’ve always felt. I’ve watched this video three times over so I can learn how not to do this to my children.
"Not knowing how to be in relationships without being of service. And when you are the focus it feels very uncomfortable or foreign."
...I really have to process this one.
I found out at 48 yrs old that my narcissistic mother was going through my bedroom and stealing from me throughout my childhood and teen years and even the last years of her life when I lived with her. She always blamed my brother. She even sold my stuff to buy booze with. I feel like a fool for not knowing it was her!
Thanks Patrick for shedding some light on this.
Ooooof. “You’re Here for me” is so spot on it hurts. My mother even said “I don’t need a therapist because I have X”
I wish I could get back the time wasted listening to the stuff I had to! And it never helped a thing! No contact now, and thank heaven!
Thank you for putting these into words. These subtle betrayals distorting perception can cause so much harm to a child's self esteem, mental and physical health. The chronic stress! Emotional neglect is so hard to spot happening - it's the healthy behaviour that should happen but is absent; emotional abuse is aimed at someone to manipulate them by lowering their self esteem; psychological abuse aims to manipulate through distorting perception of reality. And through it all I still believe my NPD parent had no idea of the extent of the harm they were doing because they were only focused on defending their own ego. And the rest of the family and the half safe relatives look on and see nothing because no one wants to deal with the reality of it all.
A possible untreated trauma symptom of the my-beliefs-are-your-beliefs toxic family is that the kid can end up vulnerable to cults or extreme groups even (and perhaps especially) in an enraged reaction *against* the parents
underrated comment, this describes my partner
My mother spent hours each week telling me how much she hated my father. How everything was his fault - I was in my 20s before the truth dawned. He was empty and quiet but not abusive in any way. But worst of all, if I did the tiniest thing that reminded her of him, she would shame me mercilessly, make a disgusted noise and say "Urgh! I suppose you're bound to have a bit of your father in you!"
My father was/is AuDHD twice-exceptional. I inherited this from him wholesale. My father is abusive. I chose not to be that way quite deliberately at the age of 6. My mother has always had the “You are just like your father!” attitude. Well, yes, but actually, no! 🤷♀️
@@misspat7555 it's horrible when you've put so much effort into changing yourself for the better, only to be accused of being 'just like him'. I hope you can be strong in your knowledge that you are not! 💝
I cannot tell you how often this happened in big and small ways. The two biggest ways I recall are 1) waking up to see her packing my Dad's socks on night. She just non-challantly mentioned they were getting a divorce. I was nine years old. I said "It's about time" (equally non-challant) and went back to bed. But, I secretly wanted her to follow me, offer me comfort and a discussion about the decision. It never happened.
2) Shortly after my Dad moved out he came to the house and became immediately violent with my Mom. He then wrangled all of us up, dragging us to the back bedroom where the guns were kept screaming that he was going to kill us them himself.
I broke away and got help. Luckily, he didn't go through with it. The next day I asked my Mom if we had yo go to school. No discussion, no hugs, no nothing. They did send my ten-year-old neighbor to talk to me once I got to school 🤷♀️ WHAT?!! She was from a troubled, but not voilent, home herself and we just sat there and stared at each other. VERY strange.
My father never had any interest in my life or friends after i started school. As soon as my parents' marriage started going sideways, my father was very interested in spending some "fine father and son time". He tried to poorly manipulate me, explained how he abused my mom in detail, just sharing the most unhinged things to his 13 year old. I don't think I've ever felt as betrayed, and hope it stays that way. 28 now, many years of therapy behind, still learning to human.
4 for 4, my family is so good at your exams, Patrick! :D Thanks for all you do
Even worse than not acknowledging a fight between parents is when they blow up at you, make you cry, and then act like nothing happened. A few years ago I had a friend accidentally trigger an emotional flashback and him apologizing immediately and making me a cup of tea blew my inner child's mind, like they didn't even know that was a thing that grownups could do for you
Holy crap. I just had a major revelation about my own problems and triggers. As someone who is at the beginning of healing from trauma, your videos are amazing.
Keep going!
"It's not confidential" patterns gave her endless amounts of gossip to immediately share, it was a virtual compulsion. That pattern of invasiveness can be used to not only invade your diary, go through your drawers and confront you if they don't like your poetry... they not only wrongly share what you tell them (immediately, to the entire family via phone, never mind any requests for privacy); they can twist what you tell them to paint you badly, "sharing" situations, feelings, thoughts which you never even said or meant. I was misrepresented to my entire extended family continually - consequently their perceptions of me are completely inaccurate (and probably irreparable). When I would complain to the narcissist, I was told, "But they're family!" I tried explaining that there are different people in families and not all of them are entitled to know my private feelings, issues, thoughts, but got absolutely nowhere. No sense of interpersonal boundaries even existed or was comprehensible.
Your mother and my mother must have shared strategies. Yuck!
Mine would share all our fights on Facebook for a while :/
My dad constantly crosses my boundaries over hugging and pictures. I don't like to be hugged, not even by my parents. I appreciate it when people ask me first if I'm okay with a hug, when I'm given a choice and they respect it. My dad is never respected this. He even guilt trips me if I resist because he feels he's owed that hug just by being the parent and that providing for me entitles him to it. Then with photos he puts me into group situations where I am forced to either go along with it so as not to cause a scene. Or worse, he takes pictures of me without my knowledge. I feel empty when I give hugs and I hate seeing photos of myself because of all of this. I guess that's part of the "ownership" these parents have, because they own me I don't get a choice
It's all about giving children choice.
Omg my mom does the same thing! You described it so well
I hated giving/receiving hugs because of this. My dad hugs me because it comforts him and doesn't truly care If I want to or not. That sense of emptiness of a performative hug is awful.
At the same time I've barely seen my parents hold hands or show affection with each other. These inconsistencies really mess with a kid's conception of love. It took a lot of work and time to be able be affectionate with other people for sure.
@@Banana_hamock yes! It's depleting of us when we have to do what they want for their needs and ours doesn't matter and is disregarded. We have to hug because they want it, they need it and it doesn't matter if we don't feel good giving one...only their needs and wants matter. My parents did it with me and they started to do it with my kids and telling my kids to give other people hugs too and I told my kids they didn't have to and I'd back them up but it's so hard to advocate for yourself as a child and be out in that situation
@@lisak5804 yes! And if you try to say no it's met with something like "oh what's the big deal, it's just a hug (in this case)" and at face value it's true, for me, that's why it is so hard to argue against. They don't want to see what it means to impose a choice on your child over and over again because they get something out of it.
Good for you on creating boundaries with your kids! My sister doesn't let her kids see my parents and has basically gone no contact at this point. It's been hard, but they are better off, undoubtedly.
Whenever my father comes to visit, he berates me about not buying a house or being able to drive and has little to talk about otherwise. I feel the only reason he visits is to exert control.
I really had to limit my time with my Dad when I became an adult.
Stop letting him come over
I had to state certain boundaries with my parent over and over again until finally I said if you bring it up, that’s it we don’t need to talk. She’s not going to change, but the dynamics of the relationship have changed.
I kept trying to have Family Holiday Dinners with my parents. I would be stressed out & uncomfortable. My father would commandeer the conversation and be weirdly aggressive. After gotten my groceries together one year, he decided they weren't coming over because he bought a turkey breast. My mom was pissed because she was looking forward. I wasn't invited.
No more "family dinners" at my table after that. I stay home and enjoy movies and my stuffing and cranberry sauce in peace now.
I'm in my 30s and to this day never had a driver's license, my parents treated necessary life skills as privileges I didn't deserve.
Can you talk about observing and recognizing a toxic abusive family as an outsider, for example your partners family? Or how they act normal when you're around and the dark side comes out when you're gone?
Ask them (lovingly) about their childhood. Their mom. What their most fond memory is with her. With their dad. Etc.
Keep in mind, people with toxic families can still grow up to be kind and considerate people. So don't discard them for failing to have a good relationship with their parents. This is not the child's failure as any kid wants to be loved by their mother and valued or respected by their father.
When I was in college, the folks got divorced. Moms turned to me to financially support her, be bossed by her, "I AM YOUR MOTHER," and emotionally depend on me as a small child. And really, really pissed at me for deliberately failing her. After 2 years of that I left, college, community and state, with one semester to go. I finished it 5 years later, then escaped again, making her madder. She never got better, never ever ever forgave, never saw my choices as legitimate in any way.
Oh, I just had a conversation with my mother, and this video came up in my youtube subscription list.
She is used to treating me as her personal therapist, something she's been doing since I can remember. I've been going to therapy this year, and asked my mother to stop talking to me about things that aren't in my control, she keeps saying "okay" or "I'm so happy that therapy is working for you" and in the same conversation goes on to tell me about issues she has with my father and a loan my dad recently took. And when I point out that she's crossing a boundary, I just set, she tells me, "I can't talk to you anymore. " or "You just want me to shut up. " Sometimes, talking to her makes me feel so hopeless and frustrated.
Same, in my past when my parents divorced. I had to ask my mom to say his given name vs. “your dad” all the time. Like honey I am not to blame for ya’lls miss communication. And I am trying to date and figure this stuff out myself. A person can only handle so much …
Proud of you for going to therapy.
Good on you for going to therapy and exercising that during those unfortunate opportunities, to really get the benefit of boundaries it's actually what you do when they keep crossing them, in this case, since you already told them what you expect, if they keep crossing it you need to stand up and get going. Boundaries aren't about making someone else do something, it's about how we set them up and see that they are respected one way or another by controlling whether we let it happen to us. Good luck to us all, it gets easier with practice and time. Sometimes when parents keep being bothersome like that despite your efforts, you probably need to reduce the amount you're exposed to it and that's okay.
I was mom's " little Doctor" ( her Words)! and she never failed at hurting me. Never missed a Chance at SHAMING me,publically.
My mother tried to make me her therapist for years. I actually tried to help for a little while. Then I started to get annoyed at her because she wouldn’t follow my advice to find a REAL therapist.
Good for you for going to therapy! Stick with it, and it's not okay for your Mom to work through her personal issues with you. Don't feel bad for drawing that line. You're her kid, not a friend or a therapist.
I think I suffered all of those boundary violations. Mum telling my dad and brothers I’d started my period immediately after I’d asked her not to; mum using me as her therapist; mum telling me all about her marital difficulties and turning me against my dad who wasn’t a good father but it’s left me questioning how much of my anger towards him is truly mine or hers; mum opening my mail; mum forcing me to hand over my savings to a brother, insisting it was a loan and that she’d pay me back but later renaged and told me to get the money back from my brother (who denied any knowledge of a loan). I could go on but the list of boundary violations is too long. All of this left me with a sense that if I set a boundary then I was doing something wrong. I still struggle with boundaries today. And yet I have zero problem in respecting other people’s boundaries!
Oh, I can truly empathise with it. Sounds like our mothers could be mentally cloned. I didn't even tell my mother I had my periods. When she found out 3 years later, I was sitting on toilet, trying to clean myself up. She opened the door (it didn't have a lock) with a grin and yelled so that everybody at home could hear: "YOU CAN TAKE THOSE PADS IN THE CLOSET". I had to tell her multiple times to close the door and go away but she didn't until I screamed at her to shut the f-ing door and get the f out of there. Then she was hurt I treated her so badly when she just wanted to help. This is insane how those parents can even weaponise their children's bodily functions against them.
@@Trammiliin_nr2I totally feel your pain. Our mother never spoke to us about periods, like it was a shameful event, to which led us to feel that it was something to never discuss. What a hateful woman she was and still is, although I broke off contact with her years ago.
I had the same situation about that period thing....
The parent who treats the other sibling different than me... yeah, like giving my sister preferential treatment and being overly rude and critical towards me, the one who needs all the love in the world and who's already really struggling with feeling alone.
The way you present the content is so helpful and easy to understand.
Btw if your mom regularly bashes people behind their back, including your siblings, you can safely assume she's doing the same about you.
Narcissist parents go one level up and not only tell someone else what you told them but they slightly twist it in a way that makes you look bad, like exaggerate what you said or they might even add to it, saying you laughed at someone when you didn't et cetera, it seems sometimes that they use you as a cover to get their own internal judgemental feelings out about something but not be perceived negatively themselves and in the same breath make you look bad especially to people that you have a good standing with.
My ex-husband and I used to visit my in-laws weekly; my ex would go be with his mother, and I ended up stuck listening to my FIL trash-talk everyone in the world; his siblings, his neighbors, even his other (not present) children! I had the thought after a while, “I bet he trash-talks me when I’m not around, too! 😑”.
I got emotional when you said “you have the right to say no”
Minute 1:43
"......She was a master at shaming you for having a normal reaction"
Holy crap, that was triggering, you knocked it out of the park with that one line. Spot on 1000%. I have never ever thought about it in that way, wow. That is exactly why I've never had normal dating relationships or even friends and then the guy I married.....every time I felt violated or a boundary crossed or anything that would warrant some type of confrontation
......I always retreat, I never thought I was worthy to speak up or call someone out. It's like other people do that but not someone like me. I can't even put it in words but I'm thinking you (Patrick) get it.
I left my husband and found myself going down that familiar road again and again. Now I've totally become reclusive and don't engage whatsoever with really anyone.
I don't know how to fix it and have a normal healthy
reciprocal relationship
My oldest sister was my "toxic parent" and still is. She is 80 and still gives gifts galore to please herself and withholds them if/when she is disappointed in me. ( I was one of the younger siblings she had to help care for)
I am no-contact , now after a long spell where she went no-contact with me (27years) but chose to get together again. After two visits (and six or eight gifts) she again messaged me that she is disappointed in me. I am 72 and this still affects choices I need to make regarding family matters; like whether to visit a different sister in the hospital. It is very hard to move on.
Getting the silent treatment, especially when you’re making perfect sense in a calm way, is the most invalidating and infuriating experience. Some people are masters at it.
For the "it's not confidential" I had no idea when I was or wasn't supposed to share information. I'm only just now beginning to get it. And I'm 40. I think it has a lot to do with neurodivergency but also poor modelling with my parents.
"My beliefs are yours now": I remember so many times my dad would call me up to tell me what to think. And when my sister believed in evolution he would call me up to try to force me to force her to believe. I realized I didn't care about the past, so I avoided the conversation entirely, but I still struggle with believing I can speak my mind or ask for help.
Ugh. Fellow neurodivergent here. I still really struggle to know what to share, with whom, and when.
@@ushere5791 my default is to just remind people to always specify. And I double check a lot. I still mess up some, but a lot less. I'm pretty comfortable checking in these days.
I turned 65 yesterday. My parents both passed on over a decade ago. They still don't know if I even graduated high school - they never asked. I was an honour student too but skipped both graduation and prom. What was the point? No interest or celebration. Zip. I still shake my head at that.
Chuck 'em, they were crappy to do that. 🎉🎉🎉 For your graduation and 💔 for the chicks who missed an awesome prom 👑
You described my parents to a tee. They relished dishing out public humiliation, especially when it came to exposing my mistakes, failures, and misfortunes. Their ultimate goal was to recruit flying monkeys who would join in the chorus, as if it wasn't bad enough just knowing that others knew my secrets.
Wow, both my parents tick these boxes. I'm still dealing with this at age 50.
Me too, all of it. I am 50 as well and whenever I see my parents (which isn’t often, we are low contact), they are still trying to treat me as a child and cross all of these boundaries.
Thank you for the healing suggestion of “letting people fail.” It’s def been a big thing since childhood to instinctively want to take care of others and quickly try to find a solution to their problems and then sometimes may even feel guilty at questioning whether we’d said the right advice or not, or if we said enough. Often left wondering why no one gives as much as I do. Or that it’s unfair bc I put in so much effort and gave so much of myself to help someone, that I never get the same in return, or am only met with silence.
Same here. I wish I'd put that effort into myself instead. I do nothing for myself.
It's a hard lesson. I still struggle with getting things I need let alone want! At least it looks like an odd attitude and I get better at it all the time. ❤
As soon as I got to number 2 my heart sank. My parents exploited my rare autoimmune disease and would go into great depth to strangers about my health history, all to shill their MLM products as a panacea for my condition. And when I finally caught them in the act once, horrified and embarrassed, the confrontation was not pretty.
Confidential issue hits hard. The worst was when my mom took me with her to a 12 step meeting when I was about 8 (which was inappropriate in and of itself; usually she left me outside). I was vulnerable and shared with the group as everyone else was doing. Afterward, she told my dad (her alcoholic ex) what I said there, just because she thought it was interesting and was making conversation while dropping me off at his house. Just one example.
It's no wonder that I kind of felt like no one can be trusted, and just used to live my life as if trustworthy people weren't ever a real option that existed.
This. So this.
It sure feels like everyone is carrying some childhood traumas, and so few are consciously willing to do the work to both heal and be able to parent children effectively. Not repeating family trauma is a true success… which our children receive the nectar from. My job, as a parent, is to model compassion, curiosity, courage… and to be accountable for any mistakes I may make. Cultivating healthy boundaries and emotional intelligence in our children puts them on a path to true independence while also being present & active in the world. It’s a beautiful experience being able to give my child a far more wholesome & loving childhood than I could have imagined as a child.
The last two boundaries are so intertwined with cultural and gender based expectations, can definitely relate as a POC + an oldest daughter. Also adding the healthy parenting examples helps so so much in giving ideas on how to be better for my future kids
You’ve got this. You’re going to be a wonderful parent-the kind we all wish we’d had.
@@ushere5791 Thank you, best of luck on your healing journey 🌷
So i was put into a therapist/parent role. I am the oldest, and yeah, i really wanted to help my parents stop arguing. I feel cheated that i wasn’t able to just be a kid. Anger sadness and grief all wrapped behind a people pleaser persona. Thanks for this video cause i didn't know what it was called, to know too much.
Hell yeah, I have been my family therapist all my life and I'm the youngest child in my family 😂😂... never got to talk about my problems, only made to listen to and validate their crap
I was recently talking with someone about my childhood, and he said incredulously, "So, they just trauma dumped all over you?" Boy did he cut to the heart of it while I hadn't seen it that way before.
@@BPLdenver Coming to realizations about how my father acts -_-
What a perfect way to explain it. Trauma dumped all over me, indeed... I know more about his childhood than he knows about mine.
Your story is heart wrenching even if you did eventually get the money.😮. The info you’re providing is awesome. Finally it all makes sense. Thanks! I’m 77 I guess it’s never too late. Here’s to joy.
Mom dragging us out to wait in line for Beanie Babies at 3am in subzero January weather, giving us money and threatening to ground us if we didn't go into the store on our own and individually buy them because the store had a limit of "only X per customer" when she wanted to buy more than that.
Absolute psycho.
Sounds like she was behaving in an addictive way. Addicts will put everything else after their addiction. Yes, it’s incredibly destructive for their kids! 💔
My mother violated every single one of these boundaries…at 85, she is still controlling and toxic. Thank God for your videos, Patrick…
It crushes your trust in people. 😢
Wow this brings up so many boundary crossings in childhood that i forgot: my mom buying me a diary then confronting me about a boy I wrote about a few days later; my stepmom taking my class ring that I had misplaced to teach me a lesson (without telling me), etc. No wonder i have a hard timetrusting that journaling is safe & I'm always worried someone will take something if I misplace it.
Too many other things to list.
As always Patrick, your videos are so eye opening & helpful!
For those of us dealing with mail thieves, or if you just need some privacy, you might be able to send your mail directly to the nearest post office and pick it up yourself with ID.
opening someone else's mail is also a felony, so that opens up some legal options if it comes to it
I went through my process of distinguishing myself when I was in my mid-30s. 🙃 I refer to it as going through my teens in my 30s. I heavily revised my religious, political, and societal views.
I still feel like I don't have it completely nailed down. I struggle with the discomfort of feeling it isn't as certain and safe as the ironclad set of fundamental values my family of origin adhered to. But I allow myself to feel it, without requiring myself to jump into another rigid set of beliefs.
Going through this process changed my parenting exponentially. I still have improvements to make. But seeing my parents accurately helped me see myself more accurately too. This has healed many hurts in my older, teen children. ❤
My mother did this takeover of our joint bank account for college that I'd been putting money into from my crappy high school jobs. And then she moved away, leaving me no place to live to work at my summer job before starting college. She had stopped drinking a few years earlier and this is how she chose to behave, sober. She had to leave the place where her ex-husband, my father, lived. Her custody of me was basically holding her back from a life without my father and a life with out me. She didn't tell me what was happening with the money until after she took it. A few weeks before graduation, she told me she was moving away. The movers would arrive on the day of my graduation. I asked her if she could put it off. No. She could not do that. All of this confirmed that I could not trust her. I've worked very hard on my "issues" about my father, who was very different and outright abusive. But my mother could not/would not protect me from him and was shocked when I confided in her about the abuse. Thank you for reading this.
What your mother did was absolutely awful. And she acted that selfishly while sober, too! I hope you can learn to trust people.
@@fozziebean doing my best. I'm here with other adult children, finding my support people. Thank you.
I got my period at camp in 1978. When I got home, I raided my mom’s Kotex box on the sly because I was too embarrassed to tell her. She figured it out and came into my room for, “The talk.” Afterwards, I begged her not to tell my two older brothers and she said she wouldn’t. The next morning at breakfast my 15 year old brother blurts out in front of my other brother and my dad,“Soooooooooo….” 🙄
Sorry you went through that.🤗💔😢
I always think about my first period as a super illustrative example of how unsafe i felt in the way i was being raised too.
In my case i had accidentally swallowed a hot pink gel pen cap after chewing on it basically as an ADHD fidget thing i think (i was undiagnosed but in retrospect had ADHD). I was so ashamed i had done this and when i first got a trace of my period on my underwear it was the same time I'd had a bowel movement and saw the still bright pink and in tact smooth gel pen cap come out of my body into the toilet. So what was really going on was i wasn't 100% sure it was my period. I thought i might've poisoned myself with the ink in the plastic and i didn't know what a first period really looked like and i was afraid of being punished for accidentally swallowing it when i knew i shouldn't have been chewing on it.
This all happened at my grandmother's house. She was my mom's mother and i knew she'd just tell my mom. I didn't feel safe to confide in either my mom or my grandmother. So i waited out 24 hrs of staining my underwear and feeling more and more likely it was probably my period until i was safely far away visiting my dad over an hour from home when at that point i asked him to look at my underwear and basically wanted his judgment on if he thought it was a period.
And he made me call my mom!! Ugh. At least i was a safer distance from her. And no one ever found out the gel pen story until i was an adult and i think i told my dad eventually. Without the gel pen context there was no reason for shame and fear really so even my Monster mom didn't traumatize me about it. But it was realizing how vulnerable and unsafe i felt where i thought i might be experiencing a health concern but because it would have been accidentally self inflicted and blamed on me i felt completely unsafe to ask for help. It's such a ridiculously memorable milestone moment where i chose to be as far away from my mom as possible when she found out for reasons all linked up in the childhood trauma.
That isn’t just a boundary crossing, it’s a FEDERAL CRIME. Yikes.
My mother would barge into the bathroom unexpectedly. Her and her bf would take my toys and throw them in the trash any time I would try to talk about my concerns. The rest of the time I was neglected and took on a caretaker role. I was constantly ignored. I’m so glad Patrick can speak to these things. It seems like it’s common as sad as that is. I recently have accepted I was abused as a child and I’m glad to start healing. I’m realizing traumatized kids are innocent children and how can an innocent child be responsible for such abuse? An innocent child does not want to believe there are monsters in the world, let alone in their own family. Thank you Patrick for your work in enlightening those who had been stuck in this pattern.
My sisters and I. The 6 of us. We’re seen and not heard. And when we were seen. We were beat like a man! Then we had to go on, like nothing happened.
😢 I’m the parent doing this, I discovered I suffer from C-PTSD. I’m grateful for UA-cam and through these videos and with The Crappy Childhood Fairy, I’m learning and doing better everyday.
I’m grateful it isn’t severe. I’m attune to it….to prevent it further.
I graciously thank you.
💐🙏🦋💖✨🌟
Thank you so much for doing the work. I wish my own mother would but I am so grateful to hear there are parents out there choosing sanity
You are amazing❤keep it up!
Looking inward h seeing your own failings is accountability and honesty -qualities you want to see in your children♡
Oh what awful stuff. My mother wanted a copy of herself so she could look good through me, but was also jealous in case I did look good. I was drafted as her mother, dump for her many dislikes and sufferings and ally against my father, her father.... Boundaries were so,so trashed! I still have a hard time with how angry this makes me. The outfall of defensiveness and caution are incredible. Little by little I excavate and defang this stuff, along with assuring my inner child that she is not to worry how big me thinks or feels, she is not here to take care of me!
It is okay to be very angry at being violated so much! “Writing a letter” that never gets sent could be a good way to work through such intense feelings! 😫🤬😭
@@misspat7555 Thank you. I'm going to write that, maybe scribbling all over a sheet of paper would be good. 👍
Physical comfort & reassurance. Dad never wanted to touch me, mom didn’t want to touch me until she did & I wasn’t allowed to say no.
I remember feeling cut off from emotional support too. Then when I withdrew to protect myself my mom would want me to sit on her lap so she could show me affection. I remember it feeling uncomfortable but then it was over & she checked off that box or something. It's feels so strange thinking of it even now.
This is a great 👍 topic.
Even as adults, boundaries are crossed all the time. Shared some secrets with a fake friend recently and she gossiped about me. She justified it as “we all do it”.
Someone else banged on my door. I told them several times NOT TO COME IN, they did anyway.
It made me realize as people how much work we have in respecting boundaries. 😢
Why I always feel like I have to whisper when talking about my parents, even when I’m therapy or speaking alone with my partner. I can’t get over the feeling that I’ll be overheard.
I took the opposite approach i speak very loud and vulgar because i know they are listening
I knew about all my dad’s affairs and his struggles with my mom at the age of 13. He confided in me a lot. My mom also hated me. This makes a lot of sense. I also ended up being a therapist for my mother as well at a young age. So far I experienced a lot of these boundaries being crossed. 20:45
Boy this. Dad going sober-again-but driving me around alone slamming beers, smoking joints and driving until I would cry to slow down. Not that it matter sex, but I was a small shy girl..🫣
Doesn’t everyone get pissed off when someone says “it’s fine” and it clearly isn’t?
They have good reason to. If it truly was fine, the other person wouldn’t be upset about something.
They probably meant that it’s survivable.
well yeah but no lol
No. Most people understand that if a person says something is fine, they mean that they don't want to be interrogated about the issue.
@@MerryLeafFieldglad ur not my parent
Perfect! I need this to help reinforce my thin boundaries.
It sucks when you are the "therapist" for a parent because the other doesn't give them support... Despite BEING A THERAPIST. Yeah. Covert narc therapists are a nightmare. They know EXACTLY how to fly right under everyone's radar and are master manipulators. I was underwater for 35 years before realizing and breaking away. My biggest motivator was my kids. I REFUSE to continue the generational trauma. Our kids will have as healthy an upbringing as we can provide. And thankfully my husband is narc-kryptonite. ❤
Hey, solidarity to you - I, too, have a covert narc parent who is also a therapist. I was the eldest in a mostly single-parent household, so I became the emotional support/fuel for that parent and a second parent to my siblings. Ugh. Congrats to you too on getting away and breaking the cycle.
Your children are lucky to have someone as aware as you.
yes I ended up being the therapist for my covert narc mother when I was a child, I am now training as a therapist and realising just how much my childhood effected me, I have very limited contact and grey rock my Mother now. I would like to go no contact but I know she would create such a drama with my sisters etc and be the wounded victim that it would take too much of my time and energy. So I ring on birthdays and Xmas and that is it. I know I am still the scapegoat and that I get bad mouthed all the time for being the 'difficult' one. You'd think if I was so difficult she would be happy to let me go, but she has a need for me to be around so she has someone to blame for everything, as well as make her feel powerful as she attempts to covertly demean me, dominate and control... I'm not doing that any more.
My mother sent me and my younger brother outside to search in my father’s vehicle for signs a women had been in it. She shared with us little kids that she suspected my father had been with someone else. We found cigarettes with lipstick on the butts. We told her this. We were in early elementary school. I don’t remember if she said anything to my father or not.
Another time she & my father had a really scary sounding fight. Mother told us to get in her car because we’re leaving. She drove around a lot and aired her grievances about my father. She eventually drove back to the house because she said my father would kill her if she left (I actually don’t think he would have. He never touched her, but they had horrible fights.) This whole thing was just another “knowing too much.”
Thank you so much patrick! This was yet again done so well. I love your calm nature, your humility and honesty, you're willingness to share personal examples, and you're making the information so accessible by keeping from too much heaviness and giving concrete examples that we can relate to. Thank you for all the work you put into these, you are helping so many people.
My mother told me she was going to buy me a tiny monkey, just to see me having a happy child face, as she admitted later, and didn't give a crap about me being sad then.
Again, sadly checking all the boxes with both my parents today...
But REALLY helpful video, because you tell so much about healthy parenting.
Patrick, you didn’t miss a thing. You are so spot on it’s a joy to listen listen to you and I hang on your every word. Thank you so much for making the non-sensible “make sense”. As babies and young children we could never understand the maniacal intent of toxic parent(s). And learning about it later in life as an adult is still incredibly hard. We basically have to re-wire our neuro pathways. So easy!!! Hahah - thx again, you’re the best.
Thank you. I needed this video because my mom decided she needs to come visit (my dogs) and I'm sure one or more of these will come up. Last time I had to see her I made a bingo card of toxic stuff I thought would come up and ended up with blackout so I bought myself a motorcycle as a reward lol. Even though I'm in my late 30s with a PhD it still gets to me, but the bingo card has been helpful in case anyone out there wants a suggestion.
What does your bingo card have on it? I'm hoping to use one myself.
I do that, too! Thought I'd invented "bullshit bingo"! It can really help!
My mom told me about being assaulted twice in her life without telling anyone else in my family, totally casually in a normal conversation. She would clearly despise my father and then say that she didn't when I questioned why she didn't just leave him and protect us from him if he was so bad. I found out when I was sixteen that she tried to k*ll herself when I was a kid. I remembered the day that it happened but no one told me until I was a teenager that that's what happened. I'm thirty four now and I learned yesterday that she tried to unalive herself multiple times. I'm sad for her but after decades of trying to get her to take care of herself, I'm not going to take on her burdens as my own.
My mom spoke about suicide incessantly my entire life. 50yo. Mom finally killed herself last year. I can't say I miss her.
Something that helps me is to say in my head "I am not the source of your suffering, I give you back your self and wish you well" when my mum uses me as therapist. She refuses to talk to someone trained in dealing with mental health therapy because of bad experiences in the past
@@electriceyeballseems like ur mom was asking for help in the only way she knew. 😢
@drawingmomentum she had the best medical care in the world. She inherited millions, had about ¼million left, hemorrhaged money. That and someone finally stood up to her lies. Not me. Long story.
Soooo relevant to what I've been experiencing soooo long. The intuitive compass being severely broken. I'm only now starting to feel able to trust myself. Reasons why planned parenthood should be an option... If you're going to be selfish and raise a child you shouldn't... You don't get to be offended when they rightfully turn on you for the string of neglect dominoes that will inevitably fall.
Oh my god the thing about confidentiality is so helpful. I always tell myself it wasn't that bad when my mom would do that (even when I was an adult). But it really does get in the way in therapy. I've read that Journaling is helpful but it's really hard for me to do it because yeah even though I live alone I do have this VISCERAL FEAR that my notes and journals will be found and read by someone. So i feel like even when I do it I still censor myself and never write down my real thoughts so it's less effective. I wouldn't complain about seeing more on this topic and how to cope with that issue so it doesn't get in the way forever.
#4...totally. You must be like me...because if you aren't you are not worth loving. Oh, and you are not allowed to have boundaries of your own.
Looking forward to this either live or later.
Thank you, Patrick. Yep - when your mother gets on the phone and tells her friend about your crush, and the friend blabs it, and soon it's common knowledge... 🤬
I was NOT parentified to my parents, but it seemed that i was made responsible for the behavior and the emotional state of the golden child, (the youngest). Anything i earned or created was seen as a resource for her, (even above being for me), and the middle child and i were scolded with "Why can't you keep her happy???"
I felt powerless, knowing that almost ALL conflict would be decided in favor of the GC, (right or wrong), so avoided conflict by avoiding the GC, (who loved to start conflict, knowing she would win). For decades as an adult, i have been repeatedly raked over the coals for "not including" the GC. The scapegoat just can't win. Ever. 🙄
The scapegoat cannot be allowed to win, bc if the scapegoat isn't as terrible as they perceive, then maybe they aren't as wonderful as they want to be either-- and they cannot accept their own imperfections.
29:00 me refusing to join the local figure skating club even though i've been skating for like 7 years bc im afraid of group think 😂
I just realized how much damage my aunt did with her fear. She was afraid of everything. She was 5 when her father died which I'm sure triggered that 😢😢😢
I have found just understanding why I have these triggers (and boy are some of them random) helps me process them and get triggered less often. Just being aware of what is happening and why helps a lot.
You always end up saying a scenario that I relate to 😭 really confirming what I went through was traumatic.
Yeah, like when my mother told us kids she could have done better than our Dad. Telling us she could have had a fellow who had a scholarship to Villa Nova College. Always badmouthing Dad. Picked fights with him.
Yes!!!😮😲👏👏
I definitely went through most of these… but the “My beliefs are yours”, especially. They try to isolate you and be little versions of them. My mom even said to me (as an adult): “I expect you to take all of my advice”. Which is gross, but even more disgusting when you take into consideration that I would never actually ask for her advice, it’s all unsolicited. So, basically, it’s “You need to do everything I say because your life is about me”.
Late 30s here, & my mother is STILL trying to control me like this
25 and my mother just now is realizing I'm not her mini-me like she thinks I am. We have similar emotional understanding (hyper-empathy) and actions, we look similar, but I am NOT her. I even now can actually express to her that "well ik you're having this issue, we're the same person and ik how I'd react" to get her to listen to me more 😅
My mother was a narcissist and secretly took my award check that I had won in a music competition. I asked where the money was and she just said that she spent it.