It was the hoovering that made me most confused where I finally fell into research on the topic of narcissism. So many things about the relationship hurt and when I thought it was over I thought I could move on. Then hoovering. WTF?! I found UA-cam answers about 2 years ago. Spent the first year gluttonous for information that explained so much. The next year grieving all that I knew that turns out was a lot of cognitive dissonance. After the grief lifted I am healing. That will be a forever thing. The scars remain but the pain is gone.
@@mariehughey5390 .... Hello...I learned a lot about Narcissist people on the Internet, too. I had never heard of them before!!! Now, I feel enlightened....
That's exactly how I feel. I researched so many videos and only now are the 'pennies beginning to drop', the techniques and suggestions learnt in these videos and I can feel myself breaking away from the Trauma-Bond.
Yep, 2-3 years of consistent study, watching videos, and striving for understanding gives the gift of self defense and independence. It’s a great reward and worth the effort to face the truth.
First they may play the victim and try to manipulate you. But if that doesn’t work they will devalue you, and force you to help them. They will coerce you. But if you still don’t give in, they will smear your name and ruin your reputation.
Thanks to all your videos, If I even get the faintest feeling that someone is a narcissist, I immediately cut ties with them! I haven't been a source of supply in a long time! Living my best life nowadays! Take notes people, the good doctor is doing Gods work!
These kinds of videos save lives, Dr. Ramani, especially for people who can't afford therapy. I'd also add that the way the narcissist 'apologizes' is so telling, they twist facts, justify and blame-shift to get what THEY WANT, which is for YOU to apologize for something you didn't do. And if you keep calling them out, they'll block/unfriend you. I was told 'ask yourself why you got hurt/I didn't mean to...'. Bullshit non-apology. They also said I was 'violent' in the way I expressed myself, plus other awful things. Pure delulu.
@@SylPaperworks It is however quite amazing how low they stoop once they're called out, how insidious the insults get and just how much they project. I think the discard was a blessing in disguise, in hindsight. Haha, I love that, nice profile pic! :)
I've been through something very similar. Now, I realise that their moves are VERY calculated- they are master manipulators for all the right reasons. They are extremely toxic and mess with the minds of normal people. Now, I even think that people who didn't end in long-term relationship with them are indeed lucky as they didn't have to suffer as much. They mess with the mental health of their partners and ruin lives.
@@realElius I’m sorry , but you …I’m sorry, but this other person place or thing is at fault. It’s not my fault I’m so vindictive, but I forgive you for triggering me…. Yup. Not a single true apology.
I'm excited when my narcissist family members stop talking to me. When I stop seeking their approval, that's when they start trying to suck me backn into their clutches with guilt. I've learned to push my empathy down and not give in. So much happier.
I found that the silent treatment was more. It completely cuts off your voice and your emotions. When someone leaves you hanging during a strong emotional state and you have no where to go with those emotions it’s a way to show they have control over you
Oh. My. Gosh! I was just trying to figure out what why I feel so bad and confused when he “asks so little” It’s because he doesn’t ask! He hints and jibes and sighs and I “volunteer” to fix things for him, or I try to do whatever he even MIGHT want. I never feel safe and ok unless he’s safe and ok - and that never happens because I can never do enough. Mind blown
This is my story too I’m still in the house due to finances , thank ye so much for sharing yer stories it’s hard but so comforting to have other victims understand x x x
This iss how I felt too. But we can free ourselves from feeling embarrassed by acknowledging that we are now aware and knowing we were only surviving the situation. I hope you to be well for your best furure.
You are an optimistic and good person who knows you deserve good things in life. It is normal and healthy to want a happy future - you did nothing wrong - your Ex did this abusing of your trust all on their own. ❤
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a terrible thing to hear from a parent - it teaches the child that she doesn't matter, and is not worthy of basic respect. What a terrible thing to put in a child's head.
My mother's latest was "I shouldn't have said that", not I shouldn't have said that to you, or im sorry I'm said that. No taking into account my feelings at all. So what's new. Yet she can hold on to slights and grudges FOREVER! That's why they can't empathise, because everything is seen from their pov.
You go Dr. Ramani!! You have been my savior. I’m a recent Narcissist survivor, and your videos have been more than informative. Thank you for putting the truth out there. 🙏🏽
I did a favor that inconvenienced me in the long term, when I finally got the gumption to bring the issue to a head, I was met with them blaming me because I wouldn't help them solve the issue when it was convenient for them. Then finally after a few more time passed where this issue was plaguing my own life even worse, I brought it up again, they again came up with excuse after excuse, I had to push back. In the end I finally got what I wanted for them to take care of said issue, but it cost me over $. Basically they put you last in their lives over and over and over. They think you and everything you have belongs to them to use at their convenience.
When I got the silent treatment he would first blame it on a medical emergency in the family and when that didn’t work he gave me “there aren’t enough sorries in the world, it’s just better you forget about me. You deserve better.” lol, He is the King of vulnerable narcissism! 🤦🏻♀️
Thank you Dr Ramani. I recommend you to so many people on social media or real life that continually vent and ask “but why” and wonder this and that… Also if they continue to vent every time I am with them, I let most roll over too because I know they as well could be even part of the problem and be just that, that one who thrives on victim mode. I try to diag is less and fix or make them feel better; it is their responsibility. I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you for all you bring to us all.
2 years after my father died and 15 years ago, my narcissistic mother stopped talking to me and her grandsons then 8 and 12 who grew up near her. Never did I hear back of why, for 5 years my outreaches were ignored. My sisters said bizarre things like, it’s just you or we heard you inherited money (wtfudge😖) or it’s just the way she is. I admit it’s messed with my head. Especially ending a narcissistic marriage of decades or serious illnesses or situations for me or my children. No more family. I didn’t gray rock or go no contact. Yet it was that. Inside so awful. 15 years later, at 92 she has a sister mail a letter wishing me a happy birthday and saying a hug sometime would be nice. My head explodes. I’m still trauma bonded and went to an empty person speaking to retirement center staff and not to me or her grandson. Really destabilizing again and terribly sad. So grateful this abusive cycle is being wholeheartedly studied now.
I go back and forth on whether my mom is a vulnerable narcissist. She has empathy, but she also has a downtrodden, scarcity mindset. She always spoke about sacrificing herself for her children and would even compare herself to me so that I would feel guilty about saying “no”to her whenever she needed help. Even when I did help her it was NEVER enough. I ended up deeply depressed because of the pressure to help her and I didn’t have a strong sense of boundaries because I was pretty much alone in defending myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani for educating us on this topic.
@@TheWendyhan0120 Thanks for understanding. I feel like she is a vulnerable narcissist, but it’s harder to clock unlike my father who is a malignant narcissist. One of the things that I am working on is trusting my gut instincts. I also do not want to become bitter and jaded about life. I maintain that I am worthy of love and give love to others who see my worth. That is essential when healing from narcissist abuse.
For the first time in 5Yrs of going backwards and forwards i can see and feel snippets of myself recovering and starting s healing journey with the things i've learnt from Dr Ramanis videos. That light at the end of the Tunnel draws near. 🍒
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212. I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you. I'm expecting you on WA.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212. I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you. I'm expecting you on WA.
A month after I left my narcissist I received an email with an apology and him portraying himself as a poor, abandoned victim. I gave in and engaged in an exchange with him. For a couple of days he was even sort of sweet, and then one day started to gaslight and blame and insult me for leaving him. When I asked what exactly he was apologizing for in his first email, his answer was: "For not being able to meet your expectations." I remember I was furious (not with him, with myself), and felt very foolish for allowing him to trick me again. He has never taken any responsibility for the immense damage he did. Seven months later, I'm still struggling with financial, physical and mental health issues that were a fallout of the relationship. And he's moved on and is living his best life. He faced no consequences.
This sounds exactly like what I just went through with my narc husband. We've been separated for over a year, but I'm starting to see that staying in this state of separation and not filing for divorce is keeping me stuck in the grief longer, like it's one last thread that I've been holding onto. It has only allowed him to further future fake me. It's time to file and put the past where it belongs once and for all ❤
I’m in the same position too. The lack of accountability with zero consequences… so hard coming to terms with this. The grieving is so layered and I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ride for months.
I heard the exact same thing from my ex right after I left. He still insists anything he ever did that had long term consequences wasn't his doing. Amazing isn't it. He's still trying to hover but it won't work. I just say nah, he's had his 3 chances. He will be blocked for good soon because I've moved on emotionally. He's a malignant narcissist and I have to be very careful. I couldn't just cut him off cold turkey because he knows where I live. I had to help him down slowly. He's ready to move on now and I've finally isolated him to one chat program. I've gotten him used to speaking to me once or twice a month. Soon. Edit: be really careful with malignant, they are quite dangerous and are willing to justify everything.
Dont fall for thinking he is having a great life. Remember, they will never be happy, and they will never get everything they desire. Also remember they have a delusional story in their hear head and they push against real life mentally because no reality meets their delusions. They are living in a mental hell. They are fake, they fake happiness, they crave looking like a great happy person, they crave fooling you. They are in mental hell all the time. The older they get, the angrier they get. They pretend to make you jealous
I grow up with the silent treatment from my mother. Always listen her marital and family issues, and I was forced to be on the middle of my parents discussions, she actually take me out of my room. Always criticized my physical appearance, first she forces me to eat with a belt because I was skinny, then when I was 8 started to gain weight and she said I was fat, and was the first time I started a diet to lose weight. I don’t celebrate if I received a school diploma or if I get selected for any competition, because she said my brother don’t get anything so if I was quiet about he don’t feel sad. That’s just few things but was hard to handle, I learn to read peoples moods. Take me years in therapy to understand and accept, but still working on it
DR.RAMANI , I’m going through the silent treatment with the last 3/4 months once again thank you thank you thank you for being a light in this dark and confusing place bless you and your very generous time , from IRELAND X X X
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212. I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you. I'm expecting you on WA.
Please get out before you become one of these ubiquitous posters on these channels “my husband\wife lied daily, financially abused me, threatened my life, cheated repeatedly, told me daily that I was crazy, manipulated family and friends, drove crazily endangering my and my children’s lives BUT I stayed for 43 years because………..”
❤Thank you❤ Yeah, you’re helping all of us… You are doing God’s work… I started watching your videos in 2016, I am finally on my way to healing ❤️🩹 I’m no longer a supply to any Narcissist…🥰❤️ Thank you and God bless you 🦋🙏🦋🫶
Thank Dr.Rami.....they bullied me at work saying it the blow to my head. I'm not a sadist.... And promises, promise sthey spoke a good game about self worth but refused to pay me my worth.
Haha! How often did I hear that, “I am such a nice person I ask for so little”. Yet! Sharing expenses or Nar’s own personal feeling were always out of my reach!
Ty,so much for all your help and wisdom and knowledge and for waking some younger people up before they get in these awful Narrsistic relationships. Ty,ty. ❤❤❤
My narcissistic sister future faked me royally. After she accused me of saying something hurtful that was not true and later found out she had her facts wrong, she called me to apologize so that she would be welcome at an event I was organizing. She said she needs to ‘work on’ her way of interacting with people and stop being so passively aggressive. This lasted an entire 36 hours at which time she sent an email with passive aggressive dog whistling barbs aimed at me about why she was entitled to a certain item of family property that I felt should go to our brother. Wow! A narcissistic trifecta: entitlement, passive aggressive dog whistling and a commitment that is kept for less than two days!
The silent treatment was torture for me. I had to hide food, keep the house spotless and watch my younger siblings. I became the pinching bag slave. This brought up painful sad memories. Now I am no contact and in a wonderful healjng program with Adriana Bucci, she is amazing. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I will rage journal this one out. ❤❤
Yep. “I’m ‘helping’ you, by giving you nothing to do, in this job.” (Be grateful, you’re indebted to me, despite the fact that I’m ensuring you dry up.) Funny to watch as, you know they feel they have you in deep check (under control). I have found that, with narcissists, although I know that could include my own input into the relationship), that by the time they’re done being “supportive” of you, you’re often so behind that, if you’re keen and keeping track of your life, you were typically left where you stood or have fallen behind. You come to realize 👉🏽 you simply didn’t need them.
You get psydo help. It sounds like help but they are helping you by taking antiques in your garage, furnishing their ( suppose to yours in a future fake) vacation home. They will do maybe one super generous gift or thing and milk it for forever. Always keeping the tally and score in their favor. Way in their favor.
@@brendaplunkett8659 yep, got rid of a “friend” recently, that was like that. 20/20 hindsight let me know that, for a bit of help, they were probably working on living so Scott free, in my house, but wouldn’t be paying any rent and making demands on repairs and upgrades.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212. I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you. I'm expecting you on WA.
My mother once called me after a week of silent treatment and told me "I'm sorry that I insulted you but you didn't say yes, your dad was horrible to me. I know we both are mad at each other but I need your financial help so I'm accepting your help" 😂
Lol, the ultimate classic, "i need you to agree with my opinion AND I need your resources to use as my own"... Basically your alive in this world to serve me. Ugh... honestly
Oh my gosh yes.... My mother embodies to the T on your explanation of the Communal Narcissist. Always the martyr and just a "saint" at all times. No boundaries could ever be made with her. Always shoving to my face how much she has sacrificed so I was never allowed to feel bad or hurt.
The martyr victim is extremely good at manipulation via guilt, confusion and making you feel like you're a bad person. As my parents have aged and because I got sick, it's become glaring just how aelfish centred and uncaring they are.
On one occasion , as he was driving , he said " everything's gonna be alright, we just gotta get Over this 'little' hump ..." it hit me that he had been saying Those Exact Same Words ten years prior . How crafting they keep us hanging On ...."
In my case, if they don't want to apologized is fine, I already used to, thats how they are. But the truth, if the truth comes out, that should feels really satisfying. The truth will be a real release of pain and a wonderful blessing. Thanks for sharing, blessing to everyone 🙏
Oh God yes! They sacrifice their children to horrible abuse. Then tell everyone who will listen how they sacrificed themselves because of the kids. My sister said mom told her, “I had to give up my horses because of you.” I couldn’t understand why mom didn’t give us up or pull a Susan Smith. It really boggled me knowing what she was behind the scenes. I think it was her “image”.
My narc Sister's apology "I know we haven't gotten along lately." After she was lying to the whole family and gaslighting me continuously. This is not an apology at all. Take note how hollow you feel after this kind of "apology" please. These people are so toxic!
Being as though she is my narcissistic wife is would do my best to get her whatever she wants. Until I found out she committed adultery. Now we are separated and getting a divorce
Years of abuse... moreover at a very tender age... How could any apology fix that? Even more painful to understand, that the very idea to apologise is tied to the fact that they need something from us at their old age. It was dehumanising then, and it is dehumanising now.
Thank you! I've been married 42 years and after a brutal vacation I finally came to my senses. I wanted to leave but at 73 it seemed too hard. I cut off communication for almost 2 months. I thought since I wasnt going to leave, we could talk again sin e I had my walls up. He promised to go to therapy and he found a tela thrapist. I dont know how good she is but he has manipulated so many in the past. He loves to tell them about his abusive mother and how, in spite of that, he graduated number 2 in his class in high school and a huge well thought of college. Thats what drew me in but I realize that he feeds off of people telling him how great he is for surviving that. This one just said the same thing. I confronted him which I knew would get me nowhere. Now he's mad, of course, but she us about to be his new source. I'm just going back to life without any kind of relatiinship. My dudappointment level would usually be 10 out of 10. Now its 2 out of ten and I am just sgaking my head and laughing a little. Now what?
This exactly explains my PhD adviser. When I first joined the lab, we had a manager and technician. But only for the postdoc, since I needed to learn techniques myself. Now that I've learned all the techniques and having that support would make my cursed data collection go faster, we can't hire anyone and both of those employees started their own phds at other institutions. "If you need help just ask!" I've done so the last three years. No help came.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212. I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you. I'm expecting you on WA.
"I'm sorry for how you chose to hear that." "I'm sorry for how I may have come across." "Maybe you weren't ready for some honest feedback, and I'm sorry for overestimating where you were at."
Do you know what's insane, is them demanding an apology for you not doing exactly as they say. It's crazy how they demand an explanation for the smallest infraction of behavior, such as not closing the cupboard door. It's sucks to watch this happen to somebody. I've also yet to witness an apology, I've watched them blame the dog for their own behavior being called out though
I got the first silent treatment in the very beginning, we were just friends...and he'd pop up again with some excuse. Then the lovebombing and I was deep into it by then. Everytime he'd go silent I'd scour the internet for some explanation. Initially I thought Bipolar disorder, and he'd come back remorseful with his tail between his legs. Then the silent treatment became more and more frequent and I got put on a waiting list for therapy. I finally came across Dr Ramani after the final discard...2.5 yrs later. It's been a year since I blocked him on everything. The pain is less but the PTSD is still very much there. It's hard to believe these people exist. This was the only relationship I've ever regretted. This taught me what I never needed to know.
Once again, you explain my husband's behavior. He would dangle promises to our children and next to never deliver. I would cringe at his empty promises and the children learned to tell him to stop. I definitely future faked myself with him as I keeped hope for a loving, carying relationship till recently when I found you and other experts on narcissism. ❤
Martyrs are still playing the victim. They've just added an extra step to make themselves the hero, too. They take 2 of the 3 positions in the Drama Triangle, so you get the only spot left--villain.
When my narcissistic wife got caught committed adultery, she went to social media posting about God. Never coming to me. She would rather play the victim
My mother was queen of the silence treatment, she was neglectful too. She did take care of me when I was sick but otherwise she was mostly absent. Growing my brother and I were pretty much on our own. We played outside all day and did not come home till dark. I don’t remember meals or family time. She moved us a lot due to fighting with my dad. She usually gave me 25 cents and I walked to corner store and bought candy or ice cream when I was hungry. My communication skills were poor, thinking people could read my mind. She was more grandiose though, demanding to be the center of attention. I always felt she had a secret life I was not part of. She put me in situations where I had to fight to protect myself from men. When I complained she just said “you won’t do anything anyway”. She can never say she is sorry, she is always the victim. She can do silent treatment for years at a time.
With the last two npd people I had to deal with, apologies from them were never on the cards... Down the road punishments mind you always happened afterwards - they would never forget to do that...
Whenever my mother in law tries to prop herself up and is looking for validation on what a great parent she is, (I wasnt raised by her) I just tell her, "Good for you."
The worst apology I get is a flat rate "I'm sorry". He never says why, and he can't remember if asked. The second sorry he gives me that is "I'm sorry, I feel bad" which is almost gaslighting. We know he isn't sorry and doesn't feel bad even in the slightest. . Edit: When he does this it seems like he's saying what he wants to hear me say.. And is saying it FOR me. I find it extremely insulting and instead of hearing "I'm sorry" and "I feel bad" I hear "you're sorry" and "you feel bad". No questioning his belief at all. It's almost like he's shooshing some kind of anger evil demon or something... "shhh she's sorry," "shhh she's feels bad" so that it doesn't well up and say extremely mean things! As I heal and work on myself, now see it as extremely dangerous. There are other clues also. If I go to him with an issue from something that happened a day or two before. After there's been plenty of time to think about it. I'll explain how it made me feel. His reply is always "everything's good, everything's fine" Well, I'm not good and I'm not fine... He's talking to the evil demon again, not me. He's actually admitted he isn't talking to me when he says this. He said he's telling himself because otherwise he would become angry! Ironic, because when he said that he was screaming. 😢 I'm unable to get out of the situation. I have to be very careful what I say and what I do. I don't like to bring things up anymore because it's hopeless. The best part about avoiding issues is I don't have to hear everything's fine anymore and there are far fewer fake sorry. It's pointless anyways. I now know that he's just gonna get more discontent and each time I've brought anytime up it has collected on a ⚖️ scale because every time he feels I'm making him say sorry, he adds another speck of sand. Once it's there it never leaves or is forgiven if you will, probably. He adds another if I say sorry to him also. The only thing going right is he's a good provider and works away from home and lives at his job. I have a plan and it will work. All in good time. . When he is home our lives are totally different. he's always keeping himself busy with his ADHD and I don't really see him or speak to him. He isn't on the phone with me like usual because he's home. I also play quiet mouse mode and it's like I'm on a vacation. Any communication is always over some good food we cooked together usually and then I don't see him again until bed time because he keeps busy. Then, when he goes back to work our long distance life picks back up again as if it's been on vacation. This is a blessing.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212. I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you. I'm expecting you on WA.
They will remind you of the smallest thing they did for you years ago, but then will lash out when you tell them how the multiple times they betrayed you in the past. Their past abuse is to be forgotten as it was "years ago" but the miniscule favour they did years ago is always paramount and in the present. The lack of self awareness and hypocrisy is breathtaking.
The narcissist in my life has never apologized for a single thing, not even when she has gotten mad and called me names or thrown things at me that could've injured me. Then she posts stuff on social media about how she's been through so much trauma and has PTSD etc.. Whenever I have asked her what happened and who hurt her, she'll say stuff like "you wouldn't understand. People have always loved you from the beginning, because you have the looks, talent, and body. People always helped you from the getgo " Which makes me feel like she expects for me to apologize for who I am and it feels like she is blaming me for her problems. 😕
A fake apology is also when you say to the person what exactly hurt you and then they say: "If I hurt you, I apologize". When they use the word "if" that means that they haven't realized what they did and they will do it again.
when I was a child at 15, I swore I'd never talk to my family again out of safety / never be myself again. I hit a breaking point and it was my only way to survive. I've been "stuck" there ever since, at 41 now. Out of safety. And now I dont talk to them at all literally. But this isn't the silent treatment, right? This is silence to survive, because being myself was always a threat. Connecting to my mom was a threat / not allowed. It always caused a lot of problems. I'd like to hear more about the effects of complex PTSD, and the narcissistic relationship survivor. In regards to the silent treatment. This particular video made me feel just for a moment like I'm doing the silent treatment. But I can't talk to them because it feels very psychologically dangerous to me. I think this is what a trauma bond is, (?) if I were to talk to them... the only way we can have a bond is if I am the version of me that is frozen in trauma. But then am i going against the gray area that is all relationships? I always wanted a relationship with the rest of my family but it doesnt seem possible if I'm not understood. But is this me needing to be right? I think I just want to be seen for what happened / and what is always present with my father controlling me from crossing the border of being myself. It's always present. Not just in the past. Not just a trauma thing that I'm stuck in. Is this going no contact different than needing to be right? Can anyone relate to this? If I were to try to tlak to my brother, for instance, or sister, or mother or anyone at all in family, there's at least some form of frozen fear still, like something terrible could happen if I connect ACTUALLY. Is there a gray area there to work with though? to have a relationship? it just never really feels beneficial to talk to them if I can't talk from a place of anything authentic, and am not allowed to.
The silent treatment I got lasted 5 months. I was accused of posting something on Facebook that she didn't like. I didn't post it & I had other friends looking for it and they said it wasn't there..
My husband of 24 years cheated and months later when I was able to tell him how it destroyed our family and how upset I was he said “ oh I’m sorry you feel like that, I thought you would be happy”
My ex refused to have anything to do with our kids unless he was using them in some way to punish me. He always called them my horrible kids or something similar. He never once said Our kids or His kids unless they did something great that was noticed by many. When i realized the messages he insisted I give them, i knew he was setting me up to be the “bad” parent so i told him he has a voice so he can talk to them himself. My relationship with the kids really improved. Since 5he divorce, they see who he is when they visit, and they see me being happy. Sure has helped them and myself in our relationship. My ex NEVER apologized in any way at all, not ever
One of the things he did very on in the relationship was future fake and I didn't know it then ..I soon noticed that all the 'future plan' were falling through soon before the due date for stupid reasons..and if he found out as he was canceling the "plans' I made plans aligned to and dependent on his plans materializing he'd quickly uncancel the plans and suddenly have a rescue plan...and the ones that didn't have a due date he kept pushing the planning into my court or completely deny ever promising anything. Awful. I can't believe I fell for this .
My husband never apologizes. But he might break the silence first and hoovers me back especially if he needs me for a certain reason. Then, after I’m not useful anymore, he’ll have another fight with me and then say “ I thought you changed” or “I thought you got my point why I wasn’t talking to you and you’d change but I see you haven’t ” It’s EXHAUSTING!!!!
Thank you for the examples of better apologies. Examples of better versions of the rest of the scenarios would be super helpful. What is a better way to say “all I want for Christmas is a family get-together”? What is a better way to say, “profits are down so management is skipping new computers this year so the sales team can get them on schedule.” What’s the better way to say “can I pick the activity this time?” And so on.
Didn't realise that this silent treatment was narcissism back then. I called it "The Cold War". My response was sadness and resolve to make my own way. Wanted to leave the house when I was 13. But I was forced to stay until 23. So proud of myself that I durvived that and made something out of myself. Managed to pay for my own education too.
Never react to their wrong behavior because they need it to confirm their cruelty and if they get such confirmation from you -they will do it again to you and also others.✌✌
That’s my husband. The martyr. Even when I realize a request I make is being taken as an imposition or being received with annoyance or frustration, I retract it to appease him saying “don’t worry, i can take care of it, i know you’re busy,” he will insist on still completing the request i made (regardless of how much i plead with him to just not do it) but then punishing me for it with days of silent treatment and negative attitude and mood.
The apology my now ex gave to my adult son when we found out about his ongoing affair and double life was “I’m sorry it got to this point”. My son was mature enough to tell me that what he said was not an apology. I never got any kind of apology.
I was on a temporary assignment to another unit, under different supervision. My permanent supervisor sent a message on Teams one morning, unusually jovial, and inquired, "How's the detail going? How are you doing?" Not once has he ever been concerned with how I am doing. My temporary supervisor is wise to the situation now and has been running interference. Anyway, I knew he would retaliate. Sure enough, a few days later, I see an Outlook calendar notification showing that he moved the weekly staff meetings from 8 AM to 7 AM. I have a 40 minute drive to work. He knows I am not a morning person and would be inconvenienced. Can I prove it without an admission? No. But in context? It's part of a pattern. He got a call from the Union and very shortly thereafter changed it back to 8 AM. Ah, the perils of a sabotaged hoover.
It was the hoovering that made me most confused where I finally fell into research on the topic of narcissism. So many things about the relationship hurt and when I thought it was over I thought I could move on. Then hoovering. WTF?! I found UA-cam answers about 2 years ago. Spent the first year gluttonous for information that explained so much. The next year grieving all that I knew that turns out was a lot of cognitive dissonance. After the grief lifted I am healing. That will be a forever thing. The scars remain but the pain is gone.
@@mariehughey5390 .... Hello...I learned a lot about Narcissist people on the Internet, too. I had never heard of them before!!! Now, I feel enlightened....
Thanks for sharing this.
That's exactly how I feel. I researched so many videos and only now are the 'pennies beginning to drop', the techniques and suggestions learnt in these videos and I can feel myself breaking away from the Trauma-Bond.
Yep, 2-3 years of consistent study, watching videos, and striving for understanding gives the gift of self defense and independence. It’s a great reward and worth the effort to face the truth.
@@mariefriedmann3203 Good to know.
First they may play the victim and try to manipulate you. But if that doesn’t work they will devalue you, and force you to help them. They will coerce you. But if you still don’t give in, they will smear your name and ruin your reputation.
👏
Yep
don't believe a word that comes out of their twisted little brain. 😢
And then act passive aggressive for daaaaaaays until they chill.
They are smearing your name even when you give them everything possible
Thanks to all your videos, If I even get the faintest feeling that someone is a narcissist, I immediately cut ties with them! I haven't been a source of supply in a long time! Living my best life nowadays! Take notes people, the good doctor is doing Gods work!
These kinds of videos save lives, Dr. Ramani, especially for people who can't afford therapy. I'd also add that the way the narcissist 'apologizes' is so telling, they twist facts, justify and blame-shift to get what THEY WANT, which is for YOU to apologize for something you didn't do. And if you keep calling them out, they'll block/unfriend you. I was told 'ask yourself why you got hurt/I didn't mean to...'. Bullshit non-apology. They also said I was 'violent' in the way I expressed myself, plus other awful things. Pure delulu.
@@SylPaperworks It is however quite amazing how low they stoop once they're called out, how insidious the insults get and just how much they project. I think the discard was a blessing in disguise, in hindsight. Haha, I love that, nice profile pic! :)
Amen sister!!
I've been through something very similar. Now, I realise that their moves are VERY calculated- they are master manipulators for all the right reasons. They are extremely toxic and mess with the minds of normal people. Now, I even think that people who didn't end in long-term relationship with them are indeed lucky as they didn't have to suffer as much. They mess with the mental health of their partners and ruin lives.
Yeah, like me. The validation has meant so much! I bought her book and it makes me cry. It's hard. I can't get out yet, but i have a plan.
@@aceanyconcept337what gets me is my narcissist thinks he's so damn clever. He doesn't realize that I'm playing his games until I can get myself out.
They apologize for the small things, but never the things I actually needed an apology for.
I can relate. They apologize for finishing the coffee cream, but never for ruining your mental health with their lies and scams.
OMG yes
@@realElius I’m sorry , but you …I’m sorry, but this other person place or thing is at fault. It’s not my fault I’m so vindictive, but I forgive you for triggering me….
Yup. Not a single true apology.
Not in my life.
Apologies dont exist. If those words happen to come out of his mouth it is followed with BUT you did this to make me do it.
@@cyndy-synchrotherapybishop2453 yeah! you get it!
They'll apologize, but it's strictly a business decision.
I'm excited when my narcissist family members stop talking to me. When I stop seeking their approval, that's when they start trying to suck me backn into their clutches with guilt. I've learned to push my empathy down and not give in. So much happier.
Guilt was used by one of my parents growing up. It's something I've had to work on.
Needed this, almost forgot about my boundaries in the name of empathy for the undeserving.
I found that the silent treatment was more. It completely cuts off your voice and your emotions. When someone leaves you hanging during a strong emotional state and you have no where to go with those emotions it’s a way to show they have control over you
I love it.... I didn't want to hear the crap anyways.
Oh. My. Gosh!
I was just trying to figure out what why I feel so bad and confused when he “asks so little” It’s because he doesn’t ask! He hints and jibes and sighs and I “volunteer” to fix things for him, or I try to do whatever he even MIGHT want. I never feel safe and ok unless he’s safe and ok - and that never happens because I can never do enough. Mind blown
I have lived in this. Now I'm trying to get a divorce but stuck in the house for now... Limbo
This is my story too I’m still in the house due to finances , thank ye so much for sharing yer stories it’s hard but so comforting to have other victims understand x x x
I fell for future faking for an embarrassingly long time. I'm still beating myself up over it. I feel like I helped my ex screw up my life.
This iss how I felt too. But we can free ourselves from feeling embarrassed by acknowledging that we are now aware and knowing we were only surviving the situation.
I hope you to be well for your best furure.
This is a good video on what happens when we look back on the relationship.
ua-cam.com/video/S_HwCQNwE_M/v-deo.htmlsi=UqGd40K5RMfxzAwH
You are an optimistic and good person who knows you deserve good things in life. It is normal and healthy to want a happy future - you did nothing wrong - your Ex did this abusing of your trust all on their own. ❤
That’s so relatable wow 😮
I know the feeling..it's part of the grieving process, I think. Stay strong, we deserve so much more ❤
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a terrible thing to hear from a parent - it teaches the child that she doesn't matter, and is not worthy of basic respect. What a terrible thing to put in a child's head.
My mother's latest was "I shouldn't have said that", not I shouldn't have said that to you, or im sorry I'm said that. No taking into account my feelings at all. So what's new. Yet she can hold on to slights and grudges FOREVER! That's why they can't empathise, because everything is seen from their pov.
Yes, they blame you for your feelings and have the audacity to apologize on your behalf.
You go Dr. Ramani!! You have been my savior. I’m a recent Narcissist survivor, and your videos have been more than informative. Thank you for putting the truth out there. 🙏🏽
I did a favor that inconvenienced me in the long term, when I finally got the gumption to bring the issue to a head, I was met with them blaming me because I wouldn't help them solve the issue when it was convenient for them. Then finally after a few more time passed where this issue was plaguing my own life even worse, I brought it up again, they again came up with excuse after excuse, I had to push back. In the end I finally got what I wanted for them to take care of said issue, but it cost me over $.
Basically they put you last in their lives over and over and over. They think you and everything you have belongs to them to use at their convenience.
When I got the silent treatment he would first blame it on a medical emergency in the family and when that didn’t work he gave me “there aren’t enough sorries in the world, it’s just better you forget about me. You deserve better.” lol, He is the King of vulnerable narcissism! 🤦🏻♀️
"I couldn't help myself. I can't control myself. You should know I don't mean it."
Thank you Dr Ramani. I recommend you to so many people on social media or real life that continually vent and ask “but why” and wonder this and that… Also if they continue to vent every time I am with them, I let most roll over
too because I know they as well could be even part of the problem and be just that, that one who thrives on victim mode. I try to diag is less and fix or make them feel better; it is their responsibility.
I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you for all you bring to us all.
They believe what they say and deny what they do!
2 years after my father died and 15 years ago, my narcissistic mother stopped talking to me and her grandsons then 8 and 12 who grew up near her. Never did I hear back of why, for 5 years my outreaches were ignored. My sisters said bizarre things like, it’s just you or we heard you inherited money (wtfudge😖) or it’s just the way she is. I admit it’s messed with my head. Especially ending a narcissistic marriage of decades or serious illnesses or situations for me or my children. No more family. I didn’t gray rock or go no contact. Yet it was that. Inside so awful. 15 years later, at 92 she has a sister mail a letter wishing me a happy birthday and saying a hug sometime would be nice. My head explodes. I’m still trauma bonded and went to an empty person speaking to retirement center staff and not to me or her grandson. Really destabilizing again and terribly sad. So grateful this abusive cycle is being wholeheartedly studied now.
Oh wow. This was my childhood. This was my marriage. I am getting out, but it's hard to get away, especially with the kids...
Thank you Dr Ramani
I go back and forth on whether my mom is a vulnerable narcissist. She has empathy, but she also has a downtrodden, scarcity mindset. She always spoke about sacrificing herself for her children and would even compare herself to me so that I would feel guilty about saying “no”to her whenever she needed help. Even when I did help her it was NEVER enough. I ended up deeply depressed because of the pressure to help her and I didn’t have a strong sense of boundaries because I was pretty much alone in defending myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani for educating us on this topic.
I feel you. Trust your feelings, how your body feel.
@@TheWendyhan0120 Thanks for understanding. I feel like she is a vulnerable narcissist, but it’s harder to clock unlike my father who is a malignant narcissist. One of the things that I am working on is trusting my gut instincts. I also do not want to become bitter and jaded about life. I maintain that I am worthy of love and give love to others who see my worth. That is essential when healing from narcissist abuse.
For the first time in 5Yrs of going backwards and forwards i can see and feel snippets of myself recovering and starting s healing journey with the things i've learnt from Dr Ramanis videos. That light at the end of the Tunnel draws near. 🍒
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212.
I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you.
I'm expecting you on WA.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212.
I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you.
I'm expecting you on WA.
A month after I left my narcissist I received an email with an apology and him portraying himself as a poor, abandoned victim. I gave in and engaged in an exchange with him. For a couple of days he was even sort of sweet, and then one day started to gaslight and blame and insult me for leaving him. When I asked what exactly he was apologizing for in his first email, his answer was: "For not being able to meet your expectations."
I remember I was furious (not with him, with myself), and felt very foolish for allowing him to trick me again. He has never taken any responsibility for the immense damage he did. Seven months later, I'm still struggling with financial, physical and mental health issues that were a fallout of the relationship. And he's moved on and is living his best life. He faced no consequences.
This sounds exactly like what I just went through with my narc husband. We've been separated for over a year, but I'm starting to see that staying in this state of separation and not filing for divorce is keeping me stuck in the grief longer, like it's one last thread that I've been holding onto. It has only allowed him to further future fake me. It's time to file and put the past where it belongs once and for all ❤
I’m in the same position too. The lack of accountability with zero consequences… so hard coming to terms with this. The grieving is so layered and I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ride for months.
I heard the exact same thing from my ex right after I left. He still insists anything he ever did that had long term consequences wasn't his doing. Amazing isn't it. He's still trying to hover but it won't work. I just say nah, he's had his 3 chances. He will be blocked for good soon because I've moved on emotionally. He's a malignant narcissist and I have to be very careful. I couldn't just cut him off cold turkey because he knows where I live. I had to help him down slowly. He's ready to move on now and I've finally isolated him to one chat program. I've gotten him used to speaking to me once or twice a month. Soon. Edit: be really careful with malignant, they are quite dangerous and are willing to justify everything.
O would want to be him? With all his shame and insecurity.
Dont fall for thinking he is having a great life. Remember, they will never be happy, and they will never get everything they desire. Also remember they have a delusional story in their hear head and they push against real life mentally because no reality meets their delusions. They are living in a mental hell. They are fake, they fake happiness, they crave looking like a great happy person, they crave fooling you. They are in mental hell all the time. The older they get, the angrier they get. They pretend to make you jealous
I grow up with the silent treatment from my mother. Always listen her marital and family issues, and I was forced to be on the middle of my parents discussions, she actually take me out of my room. Always criticized my physical appearance, first she forces me to eat with a belt because I was skinny, then when I was 8 started to gain weight and she said I was fat, and was the first time I started a diet to lose weight. I don’t celebrate if I received a school diploma or if I get selected for any competition, because she said my brother don’t get anything so if I was quiet about he don’t feel sad. That’s just few things but was hard to handle, I learn to read peoples moods. Take me years in therapy to understand and accept, but still working on it
word for word you described my mother and sister to perfection. I have never felt so validated and seen. thank you!
DR.RAMANI , I’m going through the silent treatment with the last 3/4 months once again thank you thank you thank you for being a light in this dark and confusing place bless you and your very generous time , from IRELAND X X X
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212.
I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you.
I'm expecting you on WA.
Enjoy the peace. Let them sulk.
Please get out before you become one of these ubiquitous posters on these channels “my husband\wife lied daily, financially abused me, threatened my life, cheated repeatedly, told me daily that I was crazy, manipulated family and friends, drove crazily endangering my and my children’s lives BUT I stayed for 43 years because………..”
Dr Ramani is doing gods work. I swear these people went under the radar for centuries
❤Thank you❤
Yeah, you’re helping all of us… You are doing God’s work… I started watching your videos in 2016, I am
finally on my way to healing ❤️🩹 I’m no longer a supply to any Narcissist…🥰❤️
Thank you and God bless you 🦋🙏🦋🫶
Thank Dr.Rami.....they bullied me at work saying it the blow to my head. I'm not a sadist.... And promises, promise sthey spoke a good game about self worth but refused to pay me my worth.
Spot on you can't win says it all, end of story.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤❤❤❤
Haha! How often did I hear that, “I am such a nice person I ask for so little”.
Yet! Sharing expenses or Nar’s own personal feeling were always out of my reach!
Thank you very much for spreading awareness in this way!
You helped me a lot.
Cheers &, Kudos to you for this wonderful video and the information ❤️....
I can not wait to be in my own home again...... Cheers for the sense making of all the abuse and shit storms.
Ty,so much for all your help and wisdom and knowledge and for waking some younger people up before they get in these awful Narrsistic relationships. Ty,ty. ❤❤❤
My narcissistic sister future faked me royally. After she accused me of saying something hurtful that was not true and later found out she had her facts wrong, she called me to apologize so that she would be welcome at an event I was organizing. She said she needs to ‘work on’ her way of interacting with people and stop being so passively aggressive. This lasted an entire 36 hours at which time she sent an email with passive aggressive dog whistling barbs aimed at me about why she was entitled to a certain item of family property that I felt should go to our brother.
Wow! A narcissistic trifecta: entitlement, passive aggressive dog whistling and a commitment that is kept for less than two days!
They make up the darndest things to get your attention Doctor Ramani 😂 Thank you for sharing, I always enjoy your presence and wisdom.
Thank you for the important work you’re doing.
The silent treatment was torture for me. I had to hide food, keep the house spotless and watch my younger siblings. I became the pinching bag slave. This brought up painful sad memories. Now I am no contact and in a wonderful healjng program with Adriana Bucci, she is amazing. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I will rage journal this one out. ❤❤
Yep. “I’m ‘helping’ you, by giving you nothing to do, in this job.” (Be grateful, you’re indebted to me, despite the fact that I’m ensuring you dry up.) Funny to watch as, you know they feel they have you in deep check (under control).
I have found that, with narcissists, although I know that could include my own input into the relationship), that by the time they’re done being “supportive” of you, you’re often so behind that, if you’re keen and keeping track of your life, you were typically left where you stood or have fallen behind. You come to realize 👉🏽 you simply didn’t need them.
You get psydo help. It sounds like help but they are helping you by taking antiques in your garage, furnishing their ( suppose to yours in a future fake) vacation home. They will do maybe one super generous gift or thing and milk it for forever. Always keeping the tally and score in their favor. Way in their favor.
@@brendaplunkett8659 yep, got rid of a “friend” recently, that was like that. 20/20 hindsight let me know that, for a bit of help, they were probably working on living so Scott free, in my house, but wouldn’t be paying any rent and making demands on repairs and upgrades.
@@brendaplunkett8659yep. Got rid of a “friend” who had plans running along those same lines.
100% spot on
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. All i can say now. Later ... on the other side of this, I'll tell you how much you helped me.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212.
I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you.
I'm expecting you on WA.
My mother once called me after a week of silent treatment and told me "I'm sorry that I insulted you but you didn't say yes, your dad was horrible to me. I know we both are mad at each other but I need your financial help so I'm accepting your help" 😂
Lol, the ultimate classic, "i need you to agree with my opinion AND I need your resources to use as my own"...
Basically your alive in this world to serve me. Ugh... honestly
Sounds like my mom... To the T. Amazing! Are they sisters? 😂
As soon as they insert the word "but" into an apology, it isn't an apology and you're getting blamed.
😂😂😂
Oh my gosh yes.... My mother embodies to the T on your explanation of the Communal Narcissist. Always the martyr and just a "saint" at all times. No boundaries could ever be made with her. Always shoving to my face how much she has sacrificed so I was never allowed to feel bad or hurt.
❤beware of the narcissist's❤
The martyr victim is extremely good at manipulation via guilt, confusion and making you feel like you're a bad person. As my parents have aged and because I got sick, it's become glaring just how aelfish centred and uncaring they are.
On one occasion , as he was driving , he said " everything's gonna be alright, we just gotta get Over this 'little' hump ..." it hit me that he had been saying Those Exact Same Words ten years prior . How crafting they keep us hanging On ...."
In my case, if they don't want to apologized is fine, I already used to, thats how they are. But the truth, if the truth comes out, that should feels really satisfying. The truth will be a real release of pain and a wonderful blessing. Thanks for sharing, blessing to everyone 🙏
Oh God yes! They sacrifice their children to horrible abuse. Then tell everyone who will listen how they sacrificed themselves because of the kids. My sister said mom told her, “I had to give up my horses because of you.” I couldn’t understand why mom didn’t give us up or pull a Susan Smith. It really boggled me knowing what she was behind the scenes. I think it was her “image”.
mother and silence treatments, are simply unbearable. they just have no heart. thank you so much for your great analysis.💛
My narc Sister's apology "I know we haven't gotten along lately." After she was lying to the whole family and gaslighting me continuously. This is not an apology at all. Take note how hollow you feel after this kind of "apology" please. These people are so toxic!
Such a great informative video!
Being as though she is my narcissistic wife is would do my best to get her whatever she wants. Until I found out she committed adultery. Now we are separated and getting a divorce
Years of abuse... moreover at a very tender age... How could any apology fix that? Even more painful to understand, that the very idea to apologise is tied to the fact that they need something from us at their old age. It was dehumanising then, and it is dehumanising now.
Thank you! I've been married 42 years and after a brutal vacation I finally came to my senses. I wanted to leave but at 73 it seemed too hard. I cut off communication for almost 2 months. I thought since I wasnt going to leave, we could talk again sin e I had my walls up. He promised to go to therapy and he found a tela thrapist. I dont know how good she is but he has manipulated so many in the past. He loves to tell them about his abusive mother and how, in spite of that, he graduated number 2 in his class in high school and a huge well thought of college. Thats what drew me in but I realize that he feeds off of people telling him how great he is for surviving that. This one just said the same thing. I confronted him which I knew would get me nowhere. Now he's mad, of course, but she us about to be his new source. I'm just going back to life without any kind of relatiinship. My dudappointment level would usually be 10 out of 10. Now its 2 out of ten and I am just sgaking my head and laughing a little. Now what?
This exactly explains my PhD adviser. When I first joined the lab, we had a manager and technician. But only for the postdoc, since I needed to learn techniques myself. Now that I've learned all the techniques and having that support would make my cursed data collection go faster, we can't hire anyone and both of those employees started their own phds at other institutions. "If you need help just ask!" I've done so the last three years. No help came.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212.
I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you.
I'm expecting you on WA.
It's a narcissists' world. We just live in it.
"I'm sorry for how you chose to hear that." "I'm sorry for how I may have come across." "Maybe you weren't ready for some honest feedback, and I'm sorry for overestimating where you were at."
Do you know what's insane, is them demanding an apology for you not doing exactly as they say. It's crazy how they demand an explanation for the smallest infraction of behavior, such as not closing the cupboard door. It's sucks to watch this happen to somebody. I've also yet to witness an apology, I've watched them blame the dog for their own behavior being called out though
I got the first silent treatment in the very beginning, we were just friends...and he'd pop up again with some excuse. Then the lovebombing and I was deep into it by then. Everytime he'd go silent I'd scour the internet for some explanation. Initially I thought Bipolar disorder, and he'd come back remorseful with his tail between his legs. Then the silent treatment became more and more frequent and I got put on a waiting list for therapy. I finally came across Dr Ramani after the final discard...2.5 yrs later. It's been a year since I blocked him on everything. The pain is less but the PTSD is still very much there. It's hard to believe these people exist.
This was the only relationship I've ever regretted. This taught me what I never needed to know.
Once again, you explain my husband's behavior. He would dangle promises to our children and next to never deliver. I would cringe at his empty promises and the children learned to tell him to stop. I definitely future faked myself with him as I keeped hope for a loving, carying relationship till recently when I found you and other experts on narcissism. ❤
The Future Faking I got was that we would go to eat at a new Food truck park . It never happened.
Martyrs are still playing the victim. They've just added an extra step to make themselves the hero, too. They take 2 of the 3 positions in the Drama Triangle, so you get the only spot left--villain.
When my narcissistic wife got caught committed adultery, she went to social media posting about God. Never coming to me. She would rather play the victim
If you find yourself always silently saying "I don't believe you" when they say things, PAY ATTENTION!
My mother was queen of the silence treatment, she was neglectful too. She did take care of me when I was sick but otherwise she was mostly absent. Growing my brother and I were pretty much on our own. We played outside all day and did not come home till dark. I don’t remember meals or family time. She moved us a lot due to fighting with my dad. She usually gave me 25 cents and I walked to corner store and bought candy or ice cream when I was hungry. My communication skills were poor, thinking people could read my mind. She was more grandiose though, demanding to be the center of attention. I always felt she had a secret life I was not part of. She put me in situations where I had to fight to protect myself from men. When I complained she just said “you won’t do anything anyway”. She can never say she is sorry, she is always the victim. She can do silent treatment for years at a time.
Sorry I can’t seem to get back through to you. Must be doing something wrong. Thank you so much for your help
‘You’re not the Sista I thought you were…. You’re making me SO SAD’
"I am sorry you got mad at me"
Yup, I've had "im sorry you got so angry", "I'm sorry if I had anything to do with adding to how you feel".
My mum says "I'm sorry you feel that way"
God I loath that saying...mine to
To apologize for existing or giving in for the benefit of other's well being," just absolutely horrid of these monstrous beings.
With the last two npd people I had to deal with, apologies from them were never on the cards...
Down the road punishments mind you always happened afterwards - they would never forget to do that...
Whenever my mother in law tries to prop herself up and is looking for validation on what a great parent she is, (I wasnt raised by her) I just tell her, "Good for you."
Or not future faking and flat out saying im not giving up. Thanks for sharing and all your hard work to get us there thru life situations.
The worst apology I get is a flat rate "I'm sorry". He never says why, and he can't remember if asked. The second sorry he gives me that is "I'm sorry, I feel bad" which is almost gaslighting. We know he isn't sorry and doesn't feel bad even in the slightest.
.
Edit: When he does this it seems like he's saying what he wants to hear me say.. And is saying it FOR me. I find it extremely insulting and instead of hearing "I'm sorry" and "I feel bad" I hear "you're sorry" and "you feel bad". No questioning his belief at all. It's almost like he's shooshing some kind of anger evil demon or something... "shhh she's sorry," "shhh she's feels bad" so that it doesn't well up and say extremely mean things! As I heal and work on myself, now see it as extremely dangerous.
There are other clues also. If I go to him with an issue from something that happened a day or two before. After there's been plenty of time to think about it. I'll explain how it made me feel. His reply is always "everything's good, everything's fine" Well, I'm not good and I'm not fine... He's talking to the evil demon again, not me. He's actually admitted he isn't talking to me when he says this. He said he's telling himself because otherwise he would become angry! Ironic, because when he said that he was screaming.
😢 I'm unable to get out of the situation. I have to be very careful what I say and what I do. I don't like to bring things up anymore because it's hopeless. The best part about avoiding issues is I don't have to hear everything's fine anymore and there are far fewer fake sorry. It's pointless anyways. I now know that he's just gonna get more discontent and each time I've brought anytime up it has collected on a ⚖️ scale because every time he feels I'm making him say sorry, he adds another speck of sand. Once it's there it never leaves or is forgiven if you will, probably. He adds another if I say sorry to him also. The only thing going right is he's a good provider and works away from home and lives at his job. I have a plan and it will work. All in good time.
.
When he is home our lives are totally different. he's always keeping himself busy with his ADHD and I don't really see him or speak to him. He isn't on the phone with me like usual because he's home. I also play quiet mouse mode and it's like I'm on a vacation. Any communication is always over some good food we cooked together usually and then I don't see him again until bed time because he keeps busy. Then, when he goes back to work our long distance life picks back up again as if it's been on vacation. This is a blessing.
Thank you for watching! My WA line is divided into three sections: Plus...1(440), followed by 212, and then 8212.
I would like to clarify a few things and share some important details with you.
I'm expecting you on WA.
“My friends says I can be a little confrontationel” (he Said that while laughing)😮
They will remind you of the smallest thing they did for you years ago, but then will lash out when you tell them how the multiple times they betrayed you in the past. Their past abuse is to be forgotten as it was "years ago" but the miniscule favour they did years ago is always paramount and in the present. The lack of self awareness and hypocrisy is breathtaking.
The narcissist in my life has never apologized for a single thing, not even when she has gotten mad and called me names or thrown things at me that could've injured me.
Then she posts stuff on social media about how she's been through so much trauma and has PTSD etc.. Whenever I have asked her what happened and who hurt her, she'll say stuff like "you wouldn't understand. People have always loved you from the beginning, because you have the looks, talent, and body. People always helped you from the getgo "
Which makes me feel like she expects for me to apologize for who I am and it feels like she is blaming me for her problems. 😕
A fake apology is also when you say to the person what exactly hurt you and then they say: "If I hurt you, I apologize". When they use the word "if" that means that they haven't realized what they did and they will do it again.
when I was a child at 15, I swore I'd never talk to my family again out of safety / never be myself again. I hit a breaking point and it was my only way to survive. I've been "stuck" there ever since, at 41 now. Out of safety. And now I dont talk to them at all literally. But this isn't the silent treatment, right? This is silence to survive, because being myself was always a threat. Connecting to my mom was a threat / not allowed. It always caused a lot of problems. I'd like to hear more about the effects of complex PTSD, and the narcissistic relationship survivor. In regards to the silent treatment. This particular video made me feel just for a moment like I'm doing the silent treatment. But I can't talk to them because it feels very psychologically dangerous to me. I think this is what a trauma bond is, (?) if I were to talk to them... the only way we can have a bond is if I am the version of me that is frozen in trauma. But then am i going against the gray area that is all relationships? I always wanted a relationship with the rest of my family but it doesnt seem possible if I'm not understood. But is this me needing to be right? I think I just want to be seen for what happened / and what is always present with my father controlling me from crossing the border of being myself. It's always present. Not just in the past. Not just a trauma thing that I'm stuck in. Is this going no contact different than needing to be right? Can anyone relate to this? If I were to try to tlak to my brother, for instance, or sister, or mother or anyone at all in family, there's at least some form of frozen fear still, like something terrible could happen if I connect ACTUALLY. Is there a gray area there to work with though? to have a relationship? it just never really feels beneficial to talk to them if I can't talk from a place of anything authentic, and am not allowed to.
Bingo!
❤The martyr victim plays on guilting others. Got it!
My clarity happened last week I'm over all of this sick cruel manipulation. Where to start it's so overwhelming. 😢😢
Just start..mine happened yesterday...I am 59 yrs old ,my mother is 79 ...I am walking away from her ...Finally !!
The silent treatment I got lasted 5 months. I was accused of posting something on Facebook that she didn't like. I didn't post it & I had other friends looking for it and they said it wasn't there..
My husband of 24 years cheated and months later when I was able to tell him how it destroyed our family and how upset I was he said “ oh I’m sorry you feel like that, I thought you would be happy”
I love the bewildered look😕 and then i didn't know i was doing that to you.🤥
My ex refused to have anything to do with our kids unless he was using them in some way to punish me. He always called them my horrible kids or something similar. He never once said Our kids or His kids unless they did something great that was noticed by many. When i realized the messages he insisted I give them, i knew he was setting me up to be the “bad” parent so i told him he has a voice so he can talk to them himself. My relationship with the kids really improved. Since 5he divorce, they see who he is when they visit, and they see me being happy. Sure has helped them and myself in our relationship. My ex NEVER apologized in any way at all, not ever
One of the things he did very on in the relationship was future fake and I didn't know it then ..I soon noticed that all the 'future plan' were falling through soon before the due date for stupid reasons..and if he found out as he was canceling the "plans' I made plans aligned to and dependent on his plans materializing he'd quickly uncancel the plans and suddenly have a rescue plan...and the ones that didn't have a due date he kept pushing the planning into my court or completely deny ever promising anything. Awful. I can't believe I fell for this .
My husband never apologizes.
But he might break the silence first and hoovers me back especially if he needs me for a certain reason. Then, after I’m not useful anymore, he’ll have another fight with me and then say “ I thought you changed” or “I thought you got my point why I wasn’t talking to you and you’d change but I see you haven’t ”
It’s EXHAUSTING!!!!
Thank you for the examples of better apologies. Examples of better versions of the rest of the scenarios would be super helpful. What is a better way to say “all I want for Christmas is a family get-together”? What is a better way to say, “profits are down so management is skipping new computers this year so the sales team can get them on schedule.” What’s the better way to say “can I pick the activity this time?” And so on.
Didn't realise that this silent treatment was narcissism back then. I called it "The Cold War". My response was sadness and resolve to make my own way. Wanted to leave the house when I was 13. But I was forced to stay until 23. So proud of myself that I durvived that and made something out of myself. Managed to pay for my own education too.
Excellent Video…. 🙏❤️
Well obviously I’m sorry! When never saying sorry… and definitely not obvious
Never react to their wrong behavior because they need it to confirm their cruelty and if they get such confirmation from you -they will do it again to you and also others.✌✌
Dr. Ramani, you are soooo right in EVERYTHING you talk about the narcissist. Is there anyway I could sign up to get counseling from you?
Dr Ramani, PLEASE add your videos to a podcast. Much easier!
That’s my husband. The martyr. Even when I realize a request I make is being taken as an imposition or being received with annoyance or frustration, I retract it to appease him saying “don’t worry, i can take care of it, i know you’re busy,” he will insist on still completing the request i made (regardless of how much i plead with him to just not do it) but then punishing me for it with days of silent treatment and negative attitude and mood.
The apology my now ex gave to my adult son when we found out about his ongoing affair and double life was “I’m sorry it got to this point”. My son was mature enough to tell me that what he said was not an apology. I never got any kind of apology.
I was on a temporary assignment to another unit, under different supervision. My permanent supervisor sent a message on Teams one morning, unusually jovial, and inquired, "How's the detail going? How are you doing?" Not once has he ever been concerned with how I am doing. My temporary supervisor is wise to the situation now and has been running interference. Anyway, I knew he would retaliate. Sure enough, a few days later, I see an Outlook calendar notification showing that he moved the weekly staff meetings from 8 AM to 7 AM. I have a 40 minute drive to work. He knows I am not a morning person and would be inconvenienced. Can I prove it without an admission? No. But in context? It's part of a pattern. He got a call from the Union and very shortly thereafter changed it back to 8 AM. Ah, the perils of a sabotaged hoover.