@@lilunette9319on the commentary for the DVD, he said people missed the point he was trying to make, which is that Tom didn’t actually *see* Summer but that he made her the answer to all his problems, which none of us are supposed to do to anyone.
Absolutely great insight! One step ahead of you, already approved for housing. If I can do this in my sixth decade of life, so can whoever is reading this.
Am a living testimony. The day I over came my fear of rejection and being alone was the start of my peace of mind. I decided that if God was for me, the I didn't have to struggle to be in the lives of those who did not see my worth. This surely was life changing. It was hard but when the pain of emotional abuse exceeded my fears, I became brave.
Freedom comes when you no longer care about them. It’s really hard because they chose you because of your caring nature. But one day I pray, you will awaken to their abuse and realize it was never about you. It was them the whole time.
This is horribly true ... Doctor Ramani is not only intelligent, but she is someone who is deeply intuitive .. she can understand narcissism on multiple levels .. so many of us are so grateful for her work ...
It’s so hurtful to discover how conniving and deceitful they can be when your mind just doesn’t go to those kind of places. When they tell you how honest they are, and appreciate how honest you are, beware! An honest person doesn’t have to tell they’re honest, just as a lion doesn’t have to tell you it’s a lion. They appreciate your openness and honesty only to be able to use it against you. They are anything but honest!
It's important to remember that narcissists hurt us for their own reasons, not because we did anything wrong. Not because we lack something. They use our good nature against us. It hurts. While we are sincere and good natured, they perform and mislead, and revel in our pain/loss/confusion and striving to be "just right" for them. We wither under their thumb, going from hopeful, self-empowered, with a sense of purpose to hopeless and lost. They don't care. We have to "get it right" for ourselves, as trying to do so for them steals potential, time, energy, hope...we lose pieces of ourselves along the way. We want to be who we are in this world, but they'll see to it that we are not.
My EXnarc mother went on a diatribe and attempted to list examples of when she was a "good" mother. In a lifetime of over 50 years, she came up with less than 10 acts that basically amounted to spending a weekend with a drunk stranger.
While you are looking for goodness in them, they are looking for your faults. There’s an asymmetry in those relationships. You can not connect because they are looking for supply not connection . If you start living on your own, you realise how beautiful and peaceful life can be without them.
Thank you for your beautifully written comment. I think this is what I'm looking and hoping for. It's so hard to enjoy the simplest things when in their midst, under their control. The fear and retribution is unreal. The things they do to punish you for simply speaking up for yourself or trying to set a boundary. I've studied and tried so hard not to provoke them, but they'll throw a "surprise attack" and I react or say something without thinking first. The retribution is unreal. My s/o's mom breaks into my room with knives. I've got oil, bleach, or had a seam ripper taken to nearly every article of clothing I own. I have no means to replace it. I asked her to please respect my privacy, things, and space. She took and disposed of journals from childhood on, huge boxes and bags of family photos, gifts from my mother, special items from passed relatives...She gave away my jewelry supplies after asking her son if I was serious about making jewelry and he said yes. She's stolen and broken nearly every precious heirloom I have, stolen mail and documents, medication, put bugs in my food, cooked food that's made me extremely ill...ruined or stolen everything I had listed on eBay, cut feathers on a dreamcatcher I treasure. Her daughter is my landlord so it makes matters worse when I tell her. I don't understand. She's moving soon. I just stay in my rented room for now. Legally, it'd be considered breaking and entering, burglary, destruction of property...She thinks she's exempt from the law, but I'm afraid to do anything, I don't know what to do really. Appreciating nature, my beautiful cat, or anything "me" has been impossible. I never imagined someone going to these extremes. I'm so depressed. I took really good care of my clothes, now gone/destroyed. I have a couple things left, but feel like it's a matter of time. I wish I'd never said anything at all. I have 1/4 of what I moved here with. At least 60% of that is ruined. She stole all of my new kitchen/bathroom towel sets, products, photo albums my deceased grandmother put together for me, most of my kitchen utensils, containers. This goes above $5,000. It's unreal. She started right when I moved, with the things she knew meant the most to me. I've lost and lost and now feel lost. I told her she doesn't have to like me, but to please stop and she went onto doing much worse. She burned a huge hole in a nice wool sweater last week, cut and bleached a shirt that belonged to my stepdad, who passed on Father's Day.
Iza, pomysl, kto mysli codziennie o NPD? Ona wrzuca filmy od 6 lat, codziennie o tym samym, codziennie mysli tylko i wylacznie o narcyzmie, dlaczego? Bo sama ma to zaburzenie. Do tego ta mowa ciała, ona jest walnieta i to konkretnie, cale zycie zamknieta w swojej glowie, pochlonieta soba i dlatego tyle o tym wie. Ktos pomysli "a co w tym zlego jesli sie dzieli informacjami nawet jesli jest Narcystyczna?" a taka ze ona jest zachwycona swoim umysłem, "kocha" to kim jest, mysli ze jej rozkminy sa wyjatkowe, codziennie nagrywa i czeka az ludzie beda jej sluchac. Dziwna babka.
Omg..I swore I'd give Narc videos a rest for a while as coming up on 3 years no contact I'm feeling alot better and don't want constant reminders of the painful past. But..Doc Ramini is sometimes so spot on in her title I just had to watch. This one nailed it dead center and actually made me feel even better that I got the hell out of that mess.. Stay strong survivors!
45 days no contact for me. I know what you mean, sometimes I get oversaturated with these videos and need a break. I still ruminate too. Looking forward to years of no contact.
Omg indeed! My ex girlfriend could look at me and it scared me! I am a male, 1.92cm, 100kg, and those eyes...pure disgust and hate. It still sticks to me
@@buuk79 Yes! My X was a model husband but had had another life for the last many years of our marriage. When I saw that Look ,it was a moment that shattered me. I also once saw a similar situation with a friend who was outwardly very loving to his wife, but thought he was out of sight. I once read that the look of disgust between a couple is a huge indication of impending divorce. It stuck to me. as well.
It’s incredible how intimidating that look can be. I usually got that look when he saw me happy. He couldn’t stand seeing me happy and had to ruin that at every turn. Stay safe ❤
I think we’re mostly looking for that which is normal, without realizing that who we’re looking at, isn’t looking for anything normal, respectful, loving, or even safe, at least not for you.
Thank you so much for this video!!! Everything that was said here is sooo true. When you gave an example of them saying "Bless you" when we sneeze and we get so happy about it, I laughed but then cried... Gosh, we set the bar so low. When we sacrifice everything for this relationship, keep trying for it to stay afloat, they give a BARE MINIMUM. When we look for the spark of humanity in them, they look for our flaws only to point it out.... Sick people, life destroyers 🥺
Exactly! I got a hug last Christmas from my now ex-wife. So I thought she is coming around and sees the good again, maybe we can save this marriage... NOPE! A few days later I tried to have a conversation and she lashed out, tore me to pieces, outlined the reasons I was a terrible person who didn't care about her, etc. It was awful, I walked away in tears unable to comprehend how she could be like that. I know now, and haven't tried to have a serious conversation with her since. Peace is re-entering my life though I still have that trauma bond, but I'm healing.
@@dorisdaylight8415 Thank you for sharing Doris. My ex-narc on top of being who he is, he has OCD (washing hands every 5mins; scrubbing his body in a shower every night for 2hrs!!!)- so there was NO TOUCHING at all... So I figured the "only" safe thing for him to connect with me, so I won't get more frustrated was a one time "Bless you"😔. I thought something clicked in his brain..that he might start changing.BUT NOOOO... He was scared of sun-wearing a jacket whilst 30degC outside! (wanted his skin to be white); scared of dust (it could be a pile of dust on his work shoes-nope, no cleaning or jumping across the street if he saw a street cleaner); and kept everything wrapped in plastic!! even his socks in a drawer... He hated people, always, always finding ways to complain about anything and everything. Doing things in order like a robot! Never ironed his clothes. Washed, dried outside and put back into the closet and he was ready for work!! Looking shabby...He didn't care. "I'm a minimalist"- his favourite statement. AND I NEVER SAW HIM TRULY SMILE, only a smirk... So empty of emotions.... It was like living with a Zombie! And he fell asleep anytime, anywhere por pure disconnection or told me to be quiet because he wanted to meditate for an hour. But we barely even talked! And his favourite "Let me give you a space. Women need space", so that he didn't have to be bothered... I wanted to scream.... What space? I needed his connection, his presence, not a space, but yet again "No, I know what you want, you need a space. You are too needy"!!!! Can you believe that? The temp. between us was already below zero, so what space was he talking about? But now I get it. I am on the other hand a super empath. I feel people's emotions, I care about them, I help. I am very much alive, full of energy, loving people and connections. So as you might guess, yes, "I was his mum" he loved to call me 🤢. Doing everything for this baby. He didn't even know how to prepare a sandwich! And he is nearly 50yrs old! He never understood me. He told me "You are too much." The only time he became alive, was when he wanted to tell his story, what happened to him, what book he read etc... These people are nothing but a walking bag of bones, zombies, so empty... But will destroy your life 😔
@@AnnaM22 Gees I am so saddened you had to endure all of that. They always manage to find the nicest people it is almost like good people become the target partner for them to totally suck the life out of them and as you say, totally destroy their lives. If one manages to survive the ordeal, you end up having to get your head around all of the trauma to keep sane. It is different I think if Dr Ramani's message gets to you early in the episode, but sadly if you put up for it for the long haul, you realize your life could have been very different. Leave if you can, save yourself, they never change. Dr Ramani is so right, it is in their make up and no matter what, the light globe never goes off in their head, that they are doing anything wrong. You are so right walking zombies, no better description. I so wish you all the best of luck in the future. Get away from him and give yourself a shot of a happy future.
Staying single is not such a bad idea. Be your own best friend. Then if a real partner comes along, you may make a better choice especially if you had narc parents.
I agree. I’ve been alone for 4 yrs and working on my co-dependent issues. My only regret is that I didn’t “stop, pause and do this earlier in my life”. I realize now at 67 that narcissism was normal and an ongoing factor in my life: My father, my daughter, MIL, siblings, 1st, 2nd and 3rd (oh my) husbands all narcissists. To heal I had to grieve the loss of the co dependent women I always was. It is possible to rebuild and find your hope, strengths, creativity, goodness and keep your love and compassionate nature - but I can only do that alone. I need to know what I want and need and what I won’t put up with to establish healthy boundaries. That takes some time. So many of us find we suffer from betrayal trauma and dissociation. Working on grounding myself, journaling, cultivating a spiritual practice to be authentic along with zero contact with narcissists is rewarding. Today, right now is the best time of my life. It wasn’t easy but I’m on the other side now. No boo hoo from me…this is a disease that has ravaged my life and I’m recovering. Good luck to all of you and you are worth it.
Narcs enjoy the contrast and confusion that they generate by doing good stuff for others but not for their target (you). Then when you tell others about your experience, their enablers will gaslight you by saying how great the narc is.
EXACTLY. This happened to me, and I had to cut all of them out of my life. Treating the target poorly but being decent or good to everyone else is a highly effective way of making the target think, feel, and/or believe they are crazy.
This is one of the most spot on takes on narcissistic behavior and what victims do to cope that I've ever come across. Thank you for this. The part about the narcissist crying during a movie due to wondering what it would feel like if that terrible thing happened to them as opposed to identifying with the sadness of the character is bone-chillingly accurate and demonstrates how heartless and cold narcs really are. This video needs to be rewatched often because it is a very helpful grounding tool.
I once watched a movie with a narcissist where the hero sacrificed his life for his fiancée in a flashback replay of the accident. I was touched to tears as he said that he didn’t understand it!
This was the most concise video you've done imo. It summed up my entire relationship with a narc and sociopath. It's been 4 years, and I've moved on. It's just good to get these reminders to not let someone like that in again the same way, and spend months getting to know someone before you truly let them in. Slow and steady. Be well ❤️🙏🏻
Will do anything for anyone and seems everyone really thinks he such a great guy mean while he is going come physically and mentally beating a woman enjoying watching my heart break. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how there mind works how it's possible to be that cruel, hurting people with intent that you claim to love and with no remorse is something I can't for the life of me understand
I remember how much I depended on the few good memories. When the abuse got worse I had no new memories and the old ones felt so far away. That was when I could open my eyes to the reality.
My friend had another argument episode with her narcissist. She was so upset telling him stop she brought up the past lunacy and he said stop with past are you crazy? It's you just stop already you're ruining everything. It's so twisted. And anything she tries to bring up negative about him she doesn't like it and tells her shut up. 🥴🥴🫤🫤
"He smiled at me at The Wedding" just gave me such a Laugh. It took me until 60 to understand that being kind sometimes during abuse isn't love. It is Stockholm Syndrome.
Activating a narcissists shame means they'll find a way to hurt you in return. Eventually, you're stuck living in fear/hypervigilance, and that's no way to live. But when you continuously try your best not to step on their toes, they'll continuously think of new ways to pull you in and get you to genuinely believe things are better when they're really just reeling you in to cast you out.
I'm not so sure narcissists actually feel shame. I think it's more that they're humiliated and they lose control of the narrative and control. If they felt any sort of shame they wouldn't do what they do.
@@stuekere good point. I wonder. I definitely don’t think they feel guilt or reflect on how their behavior affects us. They look to dominate and control and control the narrative.
@@stuekereI agree. It’s not shame. It’s anger that you aren’t upholding their false self and aren’t fully under their control. The research is bearing it out. The lack of empathy means they don’t actually feel shame. What’s activated is rage that you aren’t doing the job they picked you for.
So Brilliant. As long as we keep assuming they want the same things we do, we're stuck. It's such a 180 to train ourselves that they will NEVER want the same things from the relationship.
The reason you feel so frustrated that no matter how hard you try to make it work with them, you feel constantly in conflict, is because THEY don’t want to make it work the way you do. It takes two people to work towards harmony. You cannot achieve that by yourself if your partner isn’t also contributing to healthy patterns.
"The bar is really low". Such a true statement. I told myself for years "Oh, but he brought me chocolate today" or "But he kissed me goodbye this morning" and the list goes on. Thank you for another great video!
That was me. Then I would cover for him with family and friends to make him look real good too. I was too embarrassed to tell them about the other stuff.
So true. That feeling about when the next time you’ll screw up is ultimately inescapable. The next silent treatment is just a mistake away. It’s a terrible feeling. One that I’m glad I’m over two years removed from now. I knew each time she came back from a silent treatment, the clock reset and it was just a matter of time. Worst off, they’re terrible communicators and even if you try to talk to them about what’s wrong, they’ll never answer you. Granted that could also be because you’re in a silent treatment, but even when they come back you’ll get no explanation, and they’ll expect you to be over it like they are. It’s really not an ideal way to live.
I knew of a couple, where the woman divorced him the minute after their life of taking care of a sadly terminally ill child. He had given her a silent treatment for the last months of their son's life. After, he passed, he smiled and said' I am back". She divorced him. What people go through. Narcissism is about "Dismissing" the person. What a horrible power play. It leads to our dismissal, leaving them.
So true, the next silent treatment, contempt and disdain or rage fit is just one mistake away. It is Hellish. That's how I grew up. I hate my father, he ruined everything that was good. I hate my mother for normalising it and then blaming me. I was the kid, not the spouse.
Homeostasis was an issue for me. I had to mentally prepare myself for the disruption and unknown danger that would occur after telling him our relationship was over.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
❤🎉❤ WOW I feel so grateful 4 Ur story, feels very close 2 mine, I was always trying 2 B positive & HOPING 4 a better day, eventually he would B pissed off BCAZ I was always so cheerful? WTF was the stupidest drama. He did finally RAGE @ me and our disabled son, then kicked me out, it's been the happiest 6 MONTHS of our lives and DR RAMANI has been a blessing and GOD SEND IN HEALING. I pray 4 Ur continued healing and GRACE 🎉❤🎉. CONGRATULATIONS 🎉🎉🎉
@flightmama3191 , I am a single mother myself i am on disability cause of the abuse from my mother being a Narcissist as well with the abuse i went through with my x husband. . I was married to my x husband who was a Narcissist also. I was brave to get out of my marriage. I only married my x husband i was used to the abuse from my mother. I been single for over eleven years. One of my friends told me God is calling me told me to go to church and I did. I been a Christian for over 11 years. Jesus changed my life. I know my worth, and values. Jesus is our Hope. Jesus is our Healer.
Thank you! However, after making all that progress are you going to self sabotage by committing a crime spying on them and still allowing that energy in your life? Why? That's not strength. That's obsession. Just write a list of all the negatives you experienced.
Many years ago I had a profound lightbulb moment... I realized I was giving my narc sis too much credit, while giving myself too little credit. And I had gotten into that backward way of viewing each of us because of my narc sis's backward way of viewing each of us.
Many people should listen to this video who don't understand narcasism or have to deal with them. This video gives many great examples of what people have to deal with that can be hidden from others.
Thank you for all you bring to light. I know I denied the truth for way too long. For soul felt uncomfortable. I refused to see the red flags until I didn’t. EYES WIDE OPEN 🙏🏻❤️
This video describes how my mother treated me most of my life. She had no empathy for me as far back as I can remember. I’m working hard on moving away from this pain. It’s upsetting that children are treated this way and have to endure this with no protection.
So true. Be careful, there are a lot of narcissists out there. When I meet young professional women going through painful difficult relationships, I always recommend Dr Ramani’s books. I wish I had had that information when I was younger, absolute life changing information. Understanding codependency is not enough.
Dr Ramani's comment about asymmetry in the relationship makes sense to me. It offers a piece of the puzzle why the communication is so difficult. The burden is on us to make sense of a situation that doesn't add up. Thanks for the insight!
My sister was visiting me. She does not drive so I always had to take her places. The scenario was that she pretty much treated me like a chauffer, she never spoke to me, but when we went through say a drive thru or reached our destination, she was all smiles with other people. I finally made the mistake of saying "You know I really would like it if you would treat me like you do the people we encounter." Well, you guessed it. It resulted in a rage that went on for some time. I just cowarded. When she finished she gave some lame excuse and acted like it was no big deal. I walked on egg shells until she left.
@@carolfield2760 You will be happy to know that she was dropping some serious hints about wanting to come and stay with me again. I did Dr. R proud. I did not take the bait. I am sure she is still plotting but there is no way in hell that she will ever be under my roof again.
This fleeting virtues of a narcissist is soooo real. A normal person would not be happy if they displayed virtues inconsistently, but the narc almost doesn't care! If they happen to be able to display a virtuous action only once in their lifetime, they would be bragging about that moment! They are careless towards consistency, thus it messes with other people reward/ punishing systems (we all have this system that helps us manage people around us, keeping consistenly good people close and consistently bad people far away).
Yep, "you don't pay attention to me anymore". Oh I can't argue good enough with someone who is as educated as you! Even said I was especially aweful to you today on purpose! During his packing up after 26 years. Oh my favorite. Don't forget your family pictures. I don't need them, what have they done for ME? Take the frames you like and throw them away. WHAT? That is really definitive of them. WOW!
Beautifully said, Doc. Thx. The other piece at play for me and perhaps for others is that I have many responsibilities in my life: a demanding job, friends, families, etc. As the old saying goes, "Can't see the forest for the trees." Couple that with a partner who is more than willing to say you might be overreacting due to other stressors, and everything gets even murkier.
I have never seen a better explanation about the narcissistic people as this one Thank you for all your efforts in exposing them and supporting victims
The psycho I was with would cry watching a documentary about the holocaust or a movie, give money to the homeless but didn't cry a single tear when my father, her mother and our dogs died. She wouldn't let me grieve and basically told me to get over it.
Yes they👹 do that false stuff to deceive people so they will think how nice & great they are. It's really their false self cause they👹 treat us like 💩 & most of the time behind closed doors they Abuse us in many ways 😢💔. Isn't part of the definition of a Demon/ Devil someone who's a Deceiver???💔
I had a narcissistic mother, then married a malignant narc man. Stayed for 30 years, accepted so much abuse, then he left me for his Uncles much younger new wife. The trauma and devastation were knee buckling. After being single for almost 10 years, I was ready to try dating. My method was, if I felt comfortable immediately, I checked myself. Was it because it was more of what I was used to? I tried to go where I wasn't as comfortable, where they were not my 'norm'. Wow!! it worked out very well for me, although there are days I struggle because I don't feel worthy of the kindness and caring.....
Getting used to kindness and caring is difficult. Do you ever get over that feeling? Or not wanting to break down and cry over the simplest act of kindness being shown because you just don't know how to deal with it.
@@dorisdaylight8415 it's been 17 years and I still have moments of 'not worthy' or why is he doing this ?- what did he do that he's trying to cover up so he's love bombing me.?...it's just crazy!!! the head talk I have going on at times is unbelievable!!!!
I don't care who comes out talking about this information that you introduced Doc... You are and will always be the one! I always listen to you because no one says it like you my girl! You've changed my life and I will always be grateful. You deserve all the flowers 🌺🌹✨✨✨ Thank you for pushing through those who tried to gaslight you into believing this wasn't real 😡 It absolutely is and always has been and a lot of what we've experienced could have been avoided if they had not tried to shut you down and instead had been mature enough to at least hear the value whether they agreed or not. But here we are and I just want you to know I see you girl and I am grateful to God everyday that he blessed you with the courage the knowledge and the ability! Come on woman of strength! It is our time! 💪🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🥇🎉🎉🎉💙💙💙
Thank you as always Dr. Ramani!!! You and Narcissist Chronicles were the only two there when I went NO CONTACT..............My narc family is sooooo ridiculous!!! But, I'm 13 months free and I couldn't be happier:):):):):):):):):):)
We have to "get it right" for ourselves, not for them. I think they prefer we don't "get it right," because as hard as we try, we don't. Our light can't shine brightly until we eliminate barriers, removing ourselves from their world and intricate web of deceit and dark narratives. Never when we're stuck under their thumb.
Hanging on to that tiny thread. The bits and pieces. I spent a lot of time with my psycho dad in his truck. He ran a delivery business. I was never totally comfortable with him. He was so intelligent and I really enjoyed listening to his self learned psychology. It was amazing psychology! Once again he was highly intelligent. In hindsight- his business grew -His learned psychology wasn’t self explanatory but how to con others. He’s the dude who could have a dead body in the trunk and go eat donuts with the cops who were looking for the body. He was the predator- nobody was going to deceive him. Always on guard. He was creepy.
Dear Doctor Ramani, thank you for your UA-cam channel. This episode just described my very long marriage so precisely. Just starting to read your new book. I am very grateful for your insight and understanding.
I remember the "discussion" we had two months after I had the revelation my husband is a narcissist ( I got two months of silent treatment after I told him what I discovered, even if I was extra understanding and I told him it's not his fault, it's not a shame and we will look for help). Now he tries again the love bombing but what keeps me working toward separation is that memory of that mean, ice cold stranger in my kitchen.
I want to say Thank You, Dr Ramani, you have saved my life. 💜💜 After watching your videos for a whole month (and I go back to them for support). After watching your videos, everything in my relationship made sense, even when lots of people, especially him, tried to make me feel crazy.
I remember all the kind things my daughter did for her nursing patients. And I remember all the times that she ignored me, never called, never had time to visit, didn’t include me in family events. From the outside, she gives like mother Teresa. But not to me.
Such inner sadness. You wonder why simple respect and kindness isn't returned to one who deserves it and yet it is given to strangers. This is so hard to deal with.
To error is human...but when it becomes a pattern of intentional bad behaviors, that's an issue... Narcs refuse to take ownership of their character flaws and mistakes because they feel entitled to the behavior not because they can't rationalize their decisions, they are very self aware of their actions they just expect you to ignore and accept it. When a narc spouse decides to cheat, it was premeditated in the mind first, then put into action by a series of opportunities & events, it was never a happenstance situation, it was meticulously set up to be intentional on purpose, and it was meant to punish and hurt. Narcs get away with what they do because they know there will always be someone out there that doesn't have the knowledge, strength or courage to walk away. And that's were they must be proven wrong
Thanks for the video, I really needed to hear these words. It's a very good reminder during my days of relapse. I'm 7 months no contact, some days still hurt but things are doing much better now and Dr.Ramani's book and videos helped me quite a lot during my healing process which is still ongoing. Stay strong everybody ❤
Thank you Dr Ramani, this was eye opening. Now I understand why certain people I have loved and been nice to for years stopped talking to me after I made one thing they did not like. I even asked them desperately, but how about all the good things? They do not consider that. Only what you have done wrong. One "wrong" step and they dump you from their lives.
This is EXACTLY what I have been going through for the past 5+ years. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your videos have helped me so much and I’m finally getting out 🙏🏻
Oh! And I mean regarding the Penguin 🐧 he is fascinating from the point of watching a narcissist interact with other characters and the effects it has on them and recognising those traits from what you talk about in your videos I wish I could articulate what am trying to say
They take your diamond, give you a diamante, and then critique your "cut". Sincerely grateful to my past relationships, because they forced me to go *all* the way back, and that was worth the walk. Thank you Doctor.
When my grandfather died, myself and my father went to visit the nursing home he had been living in (we had not visited for many years before that, and dad had left the financing of the home to his siblings). Dad pretended to be upset for a minute and then went to the room that my grandfather had been living in and ransacked it to see if he could find the money that he was convinced he had hid in there. I could hear him from the mortuary and he was laughing and joking and attempting to flirt with the nurses. He came back an hour later. He had instructed me to stay with the body and later quizzed me about what it was like being in the presence of a corpse.
Absolutely TRUE! I remember asking my Ex why he could be so kind and charming to his favorite patients and treat me so indiferently sometimes and he NEVER answered!🤦🏼♀️ Like you say... I tried to hold on to his left over breadcrumbs for me as his "goodness"😢
My daughter is a spectacularly, successful, kind, loving, caring, nurse to all her patients. When it comes to me, her mother, I am ghosted and left out over and over again. I’ve had people comment on here that she is the way she is because of the way I raised her. Not true. She and her sister have broken my heartover and over again.
At first when you start calling them on their treatment of you, they'll justify, rationalize, or bring up something you did that annoyed them. When it gets to the point where you ask them why they did something hurtful and the only reply is silence, it's time to leave because their next response might be physical violence. They just don't care anymore that you're on to them. Glad you got away.
@@beverlyadams7205 I believe you. Could it be that their father was narcissistic to them as they were very jung? Don't blame yourself for their behavior.
@@grnmtns1 Thank you for your comment. That's how it worked out for me and he got indeed violent and raged at me. He could never aknowledge that the cold aggressive look in his eyes was for me the point of no return. It was like meeting a monster and I could not recognize him anymore. I wish you the best🙏🏻
@@QX-xq5uj just seeing someone say they believe me means a lot. No one knows what it’s like to be the result of abuse by your children unless they’ve been there.
My daughters are my abusers. The pain is much greater than any marital situation I ever had. Seeing their abuse for what it is and deciding to walk away is so painful. But I did it.
@@amandaliverpool3374 absolutely. Walking away from my daughters is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. But I promised myself that I would never go back into that abusive situation again and I won’t.
I was alone more than being single. When we together i lost myself catering to his needs. Always questioning myself and what I wanted in my head. They are sick and bring you down with them. Never met even a close second to that monster. 1 yr on and still recovering. The only way to describe it was being in a relationship with Satan.
I did lose myself as well, I thought woman you feel as if you are alone when you are with him, either on his phone or any distractions to just really be in the moment. Now I know I’m not lonely. I just need to be free of his nonsense. No love….just an object to use. My body. Now I need to learn to love myself and be free❣️❣️❣️
I think that all the good that makes you a good person isn’t hâte, at first. The good in us is what starts as jeolousy. They don’t have it and never will. They can't stand that people like us, for us. The narcissist is driven by jeolously. Your compétition. The only way for them to feel better about themselves is to destroy the compétition.
That's what I noticed, they made me feel a certain way in the beginning and I liked it, wanted more, but it soon turned around. I realized, but don't feel it was a trauma bond, because I was resentful and a little spiteful back, even wanted to do it more, pretty sure it's because of how I grew up, but I really don't want to come running back, no way.
@@wakeupordie thank you for making me laugh. I mean there's more damage that they both did. Now I'm just picking up the pieces and it's really hard. My mother was a destructive narcissist. My ex and his mistress remind me so, much like my mother but worse
Dr Ramani, you are a pure angel for getting this message out to everyone you can. Every therapist needs to read your book. It is amazing by the way. It is as though you are a fly on the wall for every narcissistic relationship. These people are purely all cut out of the same cloth, their characteristics you have unraveled their complexities. My hat to you for trying to warn everyone and help others explain what they have probably tried to work out for a very long time. Bless you for delving into such a difficult topic.
Thank you Dr Ramani! I was blessed or cursed with the capacity to interpret a lot of the motivations as a young child! It is a snooze fest because they are all the same!
Big Fan Dr. Ramani, that’s why gota tell you that shirt is not for you, and I know whatever you wear doesn’t matter cuz your words of wisdom definitely have surpassed that.
When I would do every single thing right, and not be late by literally 1 minute past the hour (it was that strict), and if I would make food on time, and push myself to absolute exhaustion to do all the things my ex wanted to cram into a non-stop day, and if I kept smiling and being lovely and amicable all day long from waking to sleeping, then he would say "I would class that as a perfect day". I thought it was a strange thing to say, because he said it as though everything was being measured against a set of criteria, rather than just enjoying things for what they were, or even just enjoying spending time together even if it wasn't something to shout about. Usually my friend and family will say something more general like "Ah what a great day, I had a really good time", not seeking perfection, but just having fun, and even laughing about things that go a little bit wrong. And in 23 years my ex said he had a perfect day only about 10 times in 23 years.
Wow, she nailed it. My ex kept bringing up that I "threw him under the bus" when I didn't lie to the police when they asked if he was fishing without a license. This happened two years after we were together. He brought it up every time there was a disagreement for the nine years that followed. If he loved me, he wouldn't have put me in the position to lie for him in the first place.
I have watched many of your videos on narcissists, and I wish I had had this insight before I married one! I only happened to get aware of him being a narcissist after I left him! Then everything in hindsight made sense! 12 lost years!
Everything with a narcissist is transactional. They don't see things the way a non narcissistic person does. When they do something for you, they see that as being very good and you owe them deference, love, adoration. When a non narcissistic person does something for someone, they're not holding a scorecard! They need people so they will do things with the expectation you'll do what they say snd call you ungrateful if you don't.
My ex-husband would constantly say that he loved me and he needed me. This was said when I said I was filing for divorce, when I filed for divorce and when the divorce was finalized. I told him even putting aside my disbelief that he “loves” me, we do not belong together because his definition of loving someone and my definition of loving someone are incapable. He didn’t like that at all but it’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I wake up deliriously happy that I am no longer his wife! ❤ #TheHeavinessHasBeenLifted
Oh, this really resonated. If there are any videos of the dynamic between a narcissist and a perfectionist, a narcissist and a people pleaser, it would probably help a lot too
Stay strong and learn everything you can. It is possible to not only spot your attraction to a narcissist but also their attraction to you( like a magnet) . Once you see it, you can mitigate the threat with knowledge. The threat is real.. everyday for people they target.
What they initially said they loved about you and admired then becomes everything they hate about you. Unbelievable!
Yes!
Absolutely FACTS 💯
It’s believable when you realize it’s jealousy; they’re angry they don’t possess those qualities and want to punish us because we do
@@MzShonuff123 that’s it! 💯
@@lilunette9319on the commentary for the DVD, he said people missed the point he was trying to make, which is that Tom didn’t actually *see* Summer but that he made her the answer to all his problems, which none of us are supposed to do to anyone.
The bar becomes lower as time passes, and we hold on for dear life.
They become more sadistic and smear us.
If you're not afraid of being alone, you're not afraid of anything. Keep looking for means to live without them.
Absolutely great insight! One step ahead of you, already approved for housing. If I can do this in my sixth decade of life, so can whoever is reading this.
It's so true. Thank you for the inspiration.
It’s absolutely correct .
Am a living testimony. The day I over came my fear of rejection and being alone was the start of my peace of mind. I decided that if God was for me, the I didn't have to struggle to be in the lives of those who did not see my worth. This surely was life changing. It was hard but when the pain of emotional abuse exceeded my fears, I became brave.
Freedom comes when you no longer care about them. It’s really hard because they chose you because of your caring nature. But one day I pray, you will awaken to their abuse and realize it was never about you. It was them the whole time.
This is horribly true ... Doctor Ramani is not only intelligent, but she is someone who is deeply intuitive .. she can understand narcissism on multiple levels .. so many of us are so grateful for her work ...
It’s so hurtful to discover how conniving and deceitful they can be when your mind just doesn’t go to those kind of places.
When they tell you how honest they are, and appreciate how honest you are, beware! An honest person doesn’t have to tell they’re honest, just as a lion doesn’t have to tell you it’s a lion. They appreciate your openness and honesty only to be able to use it against you. They are anything but honest!
It's a sales pitch. 😂
@ you got that right!
It's all a part of their mask so that they look like a good and decent person.
It's important to remember that narcissists hurt us for their own reasons, not because we did anything wrong. Not because we lack something. They use our good nature against us. It hurts. While we are sincere and good natured, they perform and mislead, and revel in our pain/loss/confusion and striving to be "just right" for them. We wither under their thumb, going from hopeful, self-empowered, with a sense of purpose to hopeless and lost. They don't care. We have to "get it right" for ourselves, as trying to do so for them steals potential, time, energy, hope...we lose pieces of ourselves along the way.
We want to be who we are in this world, but they'll see to it that we are not.
💯❤️🩹❤️🔥
Absolutely correct! Well said 💯.
omg this was really healing to read thank you
My EXnarc mother went on a diatribe and attempted to list examples of when she was a "good" mother. In a lifetime of over 50 years, she came up with less than 10 acts that basically amounted to spending a weekend with a drunk stranger.
You said it so well!
While you are looking for goodness in them, they are looking for your faults. There’s an asymmetry in those relationships. You can not connect because they are looking for supply not connection . If you start living on your own, you realise how beautiful and peaceful life can be without them.
Yes, the contrast is like night and day!
Thank you for your beautifully written comment. I think this is what I'm looking and hoping for. It's so hard to enjoy the simplest things when in their midst, under their control. The fear and retribution is unreal. The things they do to punish you for simply speaking up for yourself or trying to set a boundary. I've studied and tried so hard not to provoke them, but they'll throw a "surprise attack" and I react or say something without thinking first. The retribution is unreal. My s/o's mom breaks into my room with knives. I've got oil, bleach, or had a seam ripper taken to nearly every article of clothing I own. I have no means to replace it. I asked her to please respect my privacy, things, and space. She took and disposed of journals from childhood on, huge boxes and bags of family photos, gifts from my mother, special items from passed relatives...She gave away my jewelry supplies after asking her son if I was serious about making jewelry and he said yes. She's stolen and broken nearly every precious heirloom I have, stolen mail and documents, medication, put bugs in my food, cooked food that's made me extremely ill...ruined or stolen everything I had listed on eBay, cut feathers on a dreamcatcher I treasure. Her daughter is my landlord so it makes matters worse when I tell her. I don't understand. She's moving soon. I just stay in my rented room for now. Legally, it'd be considered breaking and entering, burglary, destruction of property...She thinks she's exempt from the law, but I'm afraid to do anything, I don't know what to do really. Appreciating nature, my beautiful cat, or anything "me" has been impossible. I never imagined someone going to these extremes. I'm so depressed. I took really good care of my clothes, now gone/destroyed. I have a couple things left, but feel like it's a matter of time. I wish I'd never said anything at all. I have 1/4 of what I moved here with. At least 60% of that is ruined. She stole all of my new kitchen/bathroom towel sets, products, photo albums my deceased grandmother put together for me, most of my kitchen utensils, containers. This goes above $5,000. It's unreal. She started right when I moved, with the things she knew meant the most to me. I've lost and lost and now feel lost. I told her she doesn't have to like me, but to please stop and she went onto doing much worse. She burned a huge hole in a nice wool sweater last week, cut and bleached a shirt that belonged to my stepdad, who passed on Father's Day.
So true!!!
That's my sister in a nutshell. She seemed to be able to find good in absolutely everyone except me (well and now her husband who she abuses)
Iza, pomysl, kto mysli codziennie o NPD? Ona wrzuca filmy od 6 lat, codziennie o tym samym, codziennie mysli tylko i wylacznie o narcyzmie, dlaczego? Bo sama ma to zaburzenie. Do tego ta mowa ciała, ona jest walnieta i to konkretnie, cale zycie zamknieta w swojej glowie, pochlonieta soba i dlatego tyle o tym wie. Ktos pomysli "a co w tym zlego jesli sie dzieli informacjami nawet jesli jest Narcystyczna?" a taka ze ona jest zachwycona swoim umysłem, "kocha" to kim jest, mysli ze jej rozkminy sa wyjatkowe, codziennie nagrywa i czeka az ludzie beda jej sluchac.
Dziwna babka.
Narcissists see their faults in you. That's their coping mechanism for their insecurities
Magnificent gratitude beautiful SOUL, wish I knew this years ago ❤🎉❤
Perfectly said°•
Omg..I swore I'd give Narc videos a rest for a while as coming up on 3 years no contact I'm feeling alot better and don't want constant reminders of the painful past. But..Doc Ramini is sometimes so spot on in her title I just had to watch. This one nailed it dead center and actually made me feel even better that I got the hell out of that mess..
Stay strong survivors!
I get it. I'm 16 months out and watching fewer videos but I still need to come back to them. I can't believe the toll this takes on a person.
45 days no contact for me. I know what you mean, sometimes I get oversaturated with these videos and need a break. I still ruminate too. Looking forward to years of no contact.
yeah truth. No contact one year here. He will never ever hear from me. Ever
The look of disgust, even in one fleeting moment, is an absolute sign. If experienced, I would exit faster than my legs could run.
Omg indeed! My ex girlfriend could look at me and it scared me! I am a male, 1.92cm, 100kg, and those eyes...pure disgust and hate. It still sticks to me
@@buuk79 Yes! My X was a model husband but had had another life for the last many years of our marriage. When I saw that Look ,it was a moment that shattered me. I also once saw a similar situation with a friend who was outwardly very loving to his wife, but thought he was out of sight. I once read that the look of disgust between a couple is a huge indication of impending divorce. It stuck to me. as well.
It’s incredible how intimidating that look can be. I usually got that look when he saw me happy. He couldn’t stand seeing me happy and had to ruin that at every turn. Stay safe ❤
And you can never unsee it!
I think we’re mostly looking for that which is normal, without realizing that who we’re looking at, isn’t looking for anything normal, respectful, loving, or even safe, at least not for you.
Thank you so much for this video!!!
Everything that was said here is sooo true.
When you gave an example of them saying "Bless you" when we sneeze and we get so happy about it, I laughed but then cried... Gosh, we set the bar so low. When we sacrifice everything for this relationship, keep trying for it to stay afloat, they give a BARE MINIMUM.
When we look for the spark of humanity in them, they look for our flaws only to point it out....
Sick people, life destroyers 🥺
At least you got 'the bless you' unlike some who don't even get that.
Exactly! I got a hug last Christmas from my now ex-wife. So I thought she is coming around and sees the good again, maybe we can save this marriage... NOPE! A few days later I tried to have a conversation and she lashed out, tore me to pieces, outlined the reasons I was a terrible person who didn't care about her, etc. It was awful, I walked away in tears unable to comprehend how she could be like that. I know now, and haven't tried to have a serious conversation with her since. Peace is re-entering my life though I still have that trauma bond, but I'm healing.
@@dorisdaylight8415
Thank you for sharing Doris.
My ex-narc on top of being who he is, he has OCD (washing hands every 5mins; scrubbing his body in a shower every night for 2hrs!!!)- so there was NO TOUCHING at all... So I figured the "only" safe thing for him to connect with me, so I won't get more frustrated was a one time "Bless you"😔. I thought something clicked in his brain..that he might start changing.BUT NOOOO...
He was scared of sun-wearing a jacket whilst 30degC outside! (wanted his skin to be white); scared of dust (it could be a pile of dust on his work shoes-nope, no cleaning or jumping across the street if he saw a street cleaner); and kept everything wrapped in plastic!! even his socks in a drawer...
He hated people, always, always finding ways to complain about anything and everything. Doing things in order like a robot! Never ironed his clothes. Washed, dried outside and put back into the closet and he was ready for work!! Looking shabby...He didn't care. "I'm a minimalist"- his favourite statement.
AND I NEVER SAW HIM TRULY SMILE, only a smirk...
So empty of emotions....
It was like living with a Zombie!
And he fell asleep anytime, anywhere por pure disconnection or told me to be quiet because he wanted to meditate for an hour.
But we barely even talked!
And his favourite "Let me give you a space. Women need space", so that he didn't have to be bothered... I wanted to scream....
What space? I needed his connection, his presence, not a space, but yet again "No, I know what you want, you need a space. You are too needy"!!!! Can you believe that?
The temp. between us was already below zero, so what space was he talking about?
But now I get it.
I am on the other hand a super empath. I feel people's emotions, I care about them, I help. I am very much alive, full of energy, loving people and connections. So as you might guess, yes, "I was his mum" he loved to call me 🤢. Doing everything for this baby. He didn't even know how to prepare a sandwich! And he is nearly 50yrs old!
He never understood me. He told me "You are too much." The only time he became alive, was when he wanted to tell his story, what happened to him, what book he read etc...
These people are nothing but a walking bag of bones, zombies, so empty...
But will destroy your life 😔
@@AnnaM22 Gees I am so saddened you had to endure all of that. They always manage to find the nicest people it is almost like good people become the target partner for them to totally suck the life out of them and as you say, totally destroy their lives. If one manages to survive the ordeal, you end up having to get your head around all of the trauma to keep sane. It is different I think if Dr Ramani's message gets to you early in the episode, but sadly if you put up for it for the long haul, you realize your life could have been very different. Leave if you can, save yourself, they never change. Dr Ramani is so right, it is in their make up and no matter what, the light globe never goes off in their head, that they are doing anything wrong. You are so right walking zombies, no better description. I so wish you all the best of luck in the future. Get away from him and give yourself a shot of a happy future.
Staying single is not such a bad idea. Be your own best friend. Then if a real partner comes along, you may make a better choice especially if you had narc parents.
I agree. I’ve been alone for 4 yrs and working on my co-dependent issues. My only regret is that I didn’t “stop, pause and do this earlier in my life”. I realize now at 67 that narcissism was normal and an ongoing factor in my life: My father, my daughter, MIL, siblings, 1st, 2nd and 3rd (oh my) husbands all narcissists. To heal I had to grieve the loss of the co dependent women I always was. It is possible to rebuild and find your hope, strengths, creativity, goodness and keep your love and compassionate nature - but I can only do that alone. I need to know what I want and need and what I won’t put up with to establish healthy boundaries. That takes some time. So many of us find we suffer from betrayal trauma and dissociation. Working on grounding myself, journaling, cultivating a spiritual practice to be authentic along with zero contact with narcissists is rewarding. Today, right now is the best time of my life. It wasn’t easy but I’m on the other side now. No boo hoo from me…this is a disease that has ravaged my life and I’m recovering. Good luck to all of you and you are worth it.
Yesssss
Get a dog to help you with company
@@boohere2or a cat or a bird
That's literally what I'm doing xx
Narcs enjoy the contrast and confusion that they generate by doing good stuff for others but not for their target (you). Then when you tell others about your experience, their enablers will gaslight you by saying how great the narc is.
It's a way to be dismissive and create triangulation at the same time
EXACTLY. This happened to me, and I had to cut all of them out of my life. Treating the target poorly but being decent or good to everyone else is a highly effective way of making the target think, feel, and/or believe they are crazy.
This is one of the most spot on takes on narcissistic behavior and what victims do to cope that I've ever come across. Thank you for this. The part about the narcissist crying during a movie due to wondering what it would feel like if that terrible thing happened to them as opposed to identifying with the sadness of the character is bone-chillingly accurate and demonstrates how heartless and cold narcs really are. This video needs to be rewatched often because it is a very helpful grounding tool.
I once watched a movie with a narcissist where the hero sacrificed his life for his fiancée in a flashback replay of the accident. I was touched to tears as he said that he didn’t understand it!
We have to learn how to stop seeing ourselves through their dystopian glasses 😌❤️🔥
This was the most concise video you've done imo. It summed up my entire relationship with a narc and sociopath. It's been 4 years, and I've moved on. It's just good to get these reminders to not let someone like that in again the same way, and spend months getting to know someone before you truly let them in. Slow and steady. Be well ❤️🙏🏻
Will do anything for anyone and seems everyone really thinks he such a great guy mean while he is going come physically and mentally beating a woman enjoying watching my heart break. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how there mind works how it's possible to be that cruel, hurting people with intent that you claim to love and with no remorse is something I can't for the life of me understand
I remember how much I depended on the few good memories. When the abuse got worse I had no new memories and the old ones felt so far away. That was when I could open my eyes to the reality.
My friend had another argument episode with her narcissist. She was so upset telling him stop she brought up the past lunacy and he said stop with past are you crazy? It's you just stop already you're ruining everything. It's so twisted. And anything she tries to bring up negative about him she doesn't like it and tells her shut up. 🥴🥴🫤🫤
"He smiled at me at The Wedding" just gave me such a Laugh. It took me until 60 to understand that being kind sometimes during abuse isn't love. It is Stockholm Syndrome.
And "You didn't read their mind" is so true too!!
And you married him anyway?
Activating a narcissists shame means they'll find a way to hurt you in return. Eventually, you're stuck living in fear/hypervigilance, and that's no way to live. But when you continuously try your best not to step on their toes, they'll continuously think of new ways to pull you in and get you to genuinely believe things are better when they're really just reeling you in to cast you out.
I'm not so sure narcissists actually feel shame. I think it's more that they're humiliated and they lose control of the narrative and control. If they felt any sort of shame they wouldn't do what they do.
Nailed it! No win situations and they’ll invent situations where none exist.
@@stuekere good point. I wonder. I definitely don’t think they feel guilt or reflect on how their behavior affects us. They look to dominate and control and control the narrative.
@@stuekere Interesting take. Maybe Dr. Ramani could discuss. I googled and they could be the same thing in a narcissists eyes.
@@stuekereI agree. It’s not shame. It’s anger that you aren’t upholding their false self and aren’t fully under their control. The research is bearing it out. The lack of empathy means they don’t actually feel shame. What’s activated is rage that you aren’t doing the job they picked you for.
Their peace is our chaos.
Woww deep...
Yes, and that's why they go the ends of the earth to create that chaos.
So Brilliant. As long as we keep assuming they want the same things we do, we're stuck. It's such a 180 to train ourselves that they will NEVER want the same things from the relationship.
Yes, you can’t expect normal relationship interactions with these people. Like trying to pound a round peg into a square hole.
@@1976smb I like Dr. Ramani's analogy of trying to cuddle with a cactus.
The reason you feel so frustrated that no matter how hard you try to make it work with them, you feel constantly in conflict, is because THEY don’t want to make it work the way you do. It takes two people to work towards harmony. You cannot achieve that by yourself if your partner isn’t also contributing to healthy patterns.
💯😌
they hate your initiative because than you are not under there control .
It will never work
"The bar is really low". Such a true statement. I told myself for years "Oh, but he brought me chocolate today" or "But he kissed me goodbye this morning" and the list goes on. Thank you for another great video!
That was me. Then I would cover for him with family and friends to make him look real good too. I was too embarrassed to tell them about the other stuff.
So true. That feeling about when the next time you’ll screw up is ultimately inescapable. The next silent treatment is just a mistake away. It’s a terrible feeling. One that I’m glad I’m over two years removed from now. I knew each time she came back from a silent treatment, the clock reset and it was just a matter of time. Worst off, they’re terrible communicators and even if you try to talk to them about what’s wrong, they’ll never answer you. Granted that could also be because you’re in a silent treatment, but even when they come back you’ll get no explanation, and they’ll expect you to be over it like they are. It’s really not an ideal way to live.
I knew of a couple, where the woman divorced him the minute after their life of taking care of a sadly terminally ill child. He had given her a silent treatment for the last months of their son's life. After, he passed, he smiled and said' I am back". She divorced him. What people go through. Narcissism is about "Dismissing" the person. What a horrible power play. It leads to our dismissal, leaving them.
💯💯😌
So true, the next silent treatment, contempt and disdain or rage fit is just one mistake away. It is Hellish. That's how I grew up. I hate my father, he ruined everything that was good. I hate my mother for normalising it and then blaming me. I was the kid, not the spouse.
He doesn't even require a " mistake" to earn a silent treatment!
Homeostasis was an issue for me. I had to mentally prepare myself for the disruption and unknown danger that would occur after telling him our relationship was over.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
My mother is a Narcissist. I live with her. I have gain weight. I got C-Ptsd from her abuse.
❤🎉❤ WOW I feel so grateful 4 Ur story, feels very close 2 mine, I was always trying 2 B positive & HOPING 4 a better day, eventually he would B pissed off BCAZ I was always so cheerful? WTF was the stupidest drama. He did finally RAGE @ me and our disabled son, then kicked me out, it's been the happiest 6 MONTHS of our lives and DR RAMANI has been a blessing and GOD SEND IN HEALING. I pray 4 Ur continued healing and GRACE 🎉❤🎉. CONGRATULATIONS 🎉🎉🎉
@flightmama3191 , I am a single mother myself i am on disability cause of the abuse from my mother being a Narcissist as well with the abuse i went through with my x husband. . I was married to my x husband who was a Narcissist also. I was brave to get out of my marriage. I only married my x husband i was used to the abuse from my mother. I been single for over eleven years. One of my friends told me God is calling me told me to go to church and I did. I been a Christian for over 11 years. Jesus changed my life. I know my worth, and values. Jesus is our Hope. Jesus is our Healer.
Thank you! However, after making all that progress are you going to self sabotage by committing a crime spying on them and still allowing that energy in your life? Why? That's not strength. That's obsession.
Just write a list of all the negatives you experienced.
Many years ago I had a profound lightbulb moment... I realized I was giving my narc sis too much credit, while giving myself too little credit. And I had gotten into that backward way of viewing each of us because of my narc sis's backward way of viewing each of us.
Many people should listen to this video who don't understand narcasism or have to deal with them. This video gives many great examples of what people have to deal with that can be hidden from others.
Thank you for all you bring to light.
I know I denied the truth for way too long.
For soul felt uncomfortable.
I refused to see the red flags until I didn’t.
EYES WIDE OPEN 🙏🏻❤️
Gone no contact. Staying single. Choosy about who enters my space and mess up my peace. Took me decades to get to this place.
Oh gosh ...decades. They do such damage. At least you got there. Bravo
Same. No contact with the enablers and the enabler's BFF's as well. The narc's smear campaign can be very far reaching.
This is so accurate in my experience. No wonder since my parents were like this too. I’m 65 and have done this my whole life. Alone is good- peaceful.
This video describes how my mother treated me most of my life. She had no empathy for me as far back as I can remember. I’m working hard on moving away from this pain. It’s upsetting that children are treated this way and have to endure this with no protection.
Beautifully put as ever, thank you doctor Ramani. Its so easy to ignore the red flags when we are so used to them!
It amazes me how you could post on daily basis, on a single topic 😂 truly narcissism expert
So much to know! It’s eye opening!
I think I could have written my own book about my ex 🤦🏼♀️
I experienced these fault finding narratives for 20 years...until i realized am chasing ghost...sad and painful realization😢
So true. Be careful, there are a lot of narcissists out there. When I meet young professional women going through painful difficult relationships, I always recommend Dr Ramani’s books. I wish I had had that information when I was younger, absolute life changing information. Understanding codependency is not enough.
It needs to be taught in schools.. Dr Ramani's book should be required reading for all teenagers.
Dr Ramani's comment about asymmetry in the relationship makes sense to me. It offers a piece of the puzzle why the communication is so difficult. The burden is on us to make sense of a situation that doesn't add up. Thanks for the insight!
Thank you for being a big part of my recovery. I owe you, Dr. R
My sister was visiting me. She does not drive so I always had to take her places. The scenario was that she pretty much treated me like a chauffer, she never spoke to me, but when we went through say a drive thru or reached our destination, she was all smiles with other people. I finally made the mistake of saying "You know I really would like it if you would treat me like you do the people we encounter." Well, you guessed it. It resulted in a rage that went on for some time. I just cowarded. When she finished she gave some lame excuse and acted like it was no big deal. I walked on egg shells until she left.
Tell her to get an Uber and go no contact. You don't deserve that.
@@carolfield2760 You will be happy to know that she was dropping some serious hints about wanting to come and stay with me again. I did Dr. R proud. I did not take the bait. I am sure she is still plotting but there is no way in hell that she will ever be under my roof again.
@@marysisak2359 Good for you!
This fleeting virtues of a narcissist is soooo real. A normal person would not be happy if they displayed virtues inconsistently, but the narc almost doesn't care! If they happen to be able to display a virtuous action only once in their lifetime, they would be bragging about that moment! They are careless towards consistency, thus it messes with other people reward/ punishing systems (we all have this system that helps us manage people around us, keeping consistenly good people close and consistently bad people far away).
Yep, "you don't pay attention to me anymore". Oh I can't argue good enough with someone who is as educated as you! Even said I was especially aweful to you today on purpose! During his packing up after 26 years. Oh my favorite. Don't forget your family pictures. I don't need them, what have they done for ME? Take the frames you like and throw them away. WHAT? That is really definitive of them. WOW!
So good at smoke and mirrors the out-laws and their family issues become invisible.
❤❤❤
@@amandaliverpool3374 I hope you have a restful night. 🪷
Another extremely helpful explanation of what can and does happen.
Good morning!
Beautifully said, Doc. Thx. The other piece at play for me and perhaps for others is that I have many responsibilities in my life: a demanding job, friends, families, etc. As the old saying goes, "Can't see the forest for the trees." Couple that with a partner who is more than willing to say you might be overreacting due to other stressors, and everything gets even murkier.
I have never seen a better explanation about the narcissistic people as this one
Thank you for all your efforts in exposing them and supporting victims
The psycho I was with would cry watching a documentary about the holocaust or a movie, give money to the homeless but didn't cry a single tear when my father, her mother and our dogs died. She wouldn't let me grieve and basically told me to get over it.
I was literally thinking about this the other day....I never had a chance to grieve
Yes they👹 do that false stuff to deceive people so they will think how nice & great they are. It's really their false self cause they👹 treat us like 💩 & most of the time behind closed doors they Abuse us in many ways 😢💔.
Isn't part of the definition of a Demon/ Devil someone who's a Deceiver???💔
Oh my God I know I know
That’s my story all over again
And even that crying was an act. They “react” how they think they’re supposed to. Nothing about them is real.
Every word resonates, Dr Ramani, thank you!
Helps in making sense of it all and deeper healing!!
I had a narcissistic mother, then married a malignant narc man. Stayed for 30 years, accepted so much abuse, then he left me for his Uncles much younger new wife. The trauma and devastation were knee buckling. After being single for almost 10 years, I was ready to try dating. My method was, if I felt comfortable immediately, I checked myself. Was it because it was more of what I was used to? I tried to go where I wasn't as comfortable, where they were not my 'norm'. Wow!! it worked out very well for me, although there are days I struggle because I don't feel worthy of the kindness and caring.....
Bingo going out of the norm.
Getting used to kindness and caring is difficult. Do you ever get over that feeling? Or not wanting to break down and cry over the simplest act of kindness being shown because you just don't know how to deal with it.
@@dorisdaylight8415 it’s ok to cry you deserve to be treated with kindness..
@@dorisdaylight8415 it's been 17 years and I still have moments of 'not worthy' or why is he doing this ?- what did he do that he's trying to cover up so he's love bombing me.?...it's just crazy!!! the head talk I have going on at times is unbelievable!!!!
@@SherryTomlinson-r2y Thank you
I don't care who comes out talking about this information that you introduced Doc... You are and will always be the one! I always listen to you because no one says it like you my girl! You've changed my life and I will always be grateful. You deserve all the flowers 🌺🌹✨✨✨ Thank you for pushing through those who tried to gaslight you into believing this wasn't real 😡 It absolutely is and always has been and a lot of what we've experienced could have been avoided if they had not tried to shut you down and instead had been mature enough to at least hear the value whether they agreed or not. But here we are and I just want you to know I see you girl and I am grateful to God everyday that he blessed you with the courage the knowledge and the ability! Come on woman of strength! It is our time! 💪🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🥇🎉🎉🎉💙💙💙
Thank you once again , this greatly helps me to keep strength and assures me that my decision, to get out , truly is best. 🎉
Thank you as always Dr. Ramani!!! You and Narcissist Chronicles were the only two there when I went NO CONTACT..............My narc family is sooooo ridiculous!!! But, I'm 13 months free and I couldn't be happier:):):):):):):):):):)
We have to "get it right" for ourselves, not for them. I think they prefer we don't "get it right," because as hard as we try, we don't. Our light can't shine brightly until we eliminate barriers, removing ourselves from their world and intricate web of deceit and dark narratives. Never when we're stuck under their thumb.
Needed this today. Thank you so much! Exactly what I needed to hear.
Thank you Dr.Ramani
Hanging on to that tiny thread. The bits and pieces. I spent a lot of time with my psycho dad in his truck. He ran a delivery business. I was never totally comfortable with him. He was so intelligent and I really enjoyed listening to his self learned psychology. It was amazing psychology! Once again he was highly intelligent. In hindsight- his business grew -His learned psychology wasn’t self explanatory but how to con others. He’s the dude who could have a dead body in the trunk and go eat donuts with the cops who were looking for the body. He was the predator- nobody was going to deceive him. Always on guard. He was creepy.
13 weeks out, unsure of what I'm feeling except inadequate. My emotions are up and down, back and forth. I just wanna scream.
Dear Doctor Ramani, thank you for your UA-cam channel. This episode just described my very long marriage so precisely. Just starting to read your new book. I am very grateful for your insight and understanding.
I remember the "discussion" we had two months after I had the revelation my husband is a narcissist ( I got two months of silent treatment after I told him what I discovered, even if I was extra understanding and I told him it's not his fault, it's not a shame and we will look for help). Now he tries again the love bombing but what keeps me working toward separation is that memory of that mean, ice cold stranger in my kitchen.
Not able to open the reply a second time.
I want to say Thank You, Dr Ramani, you have saved my life. 💜💜
After watching your videos for a whole month (and I go back to them for support).
After watching your videos, everything in my relationship made sense, even when lots of people, especially him, tried to make me feel crazy.
I remember all the kind things my daughter did for her nursing patients. And I remember all the times that she ignored me, never called, never had time to visit, didn’t include me in family events. From the outside, she gives like mother Teresa. But not to me.
Such inner sadness. You wonder why simple respect and kindness isn't returned to one who deserves it and yet it is given to strangers. This is so hard to deal with.
Money…
To error is human...but when it becomes a pattern of intentional bad behaviors, that's an issue... Narcs refuse to take ownership of their character flaws and mistakes because they feel entitled to the behavior not because they can't rationalize their decisions, they are very self aware of their actions they just expect you to ignore and accept it.
When a narc spouse decides to cheat, it was premeditated in the mind first, then put into action by a series of opportunities & events, it was never a happenstance situation, it was meticulously set up to be intentional on purpose, and it was meant to punish and hurt.
Narcs get away with what they do because they know there will always be someone out there that doesn't have the knowledge, strength or courage to walk away. And that's were they must be proven wrong
The false hope is the worst....
And the malignant optimism!
GREAT DAY DOC
SUCH TRUTH
THK U 🫶🏿✌🏿🌹
My guys family was always thinking I had an angle while I was looking for the good in them 😢.
Thanks for the video, I really needed to hear these words. It's a very good reminder during my days of relapse. I'm 7 months no contact, some days still hurt but things are doing much better now and Dr.Ramani's book and videos helped me quite a lot during my healing process which is still ongoing. Stay strong everybody ❤
Just bought your new book I love you
You nailed it!🙂
Facts ❤ dr rami
...🎩🎩🌹
Thank you Dr Ramani, this was eye opening. Now I understand why certain people I have loved and been nice to for years stopped talking to me after I made one thing they did not like. I even asked them desperately, but how about all the good things? They do not consider that. Only what you have done wrong. One "wrong" step and they dump you from their lives.
@DoctorRamani-i Can I possibly email you instead? Thank you!
This is EXACTLY what I have been going through for the past 5+ years. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your videos have helped me so much and I’m finally getting out 🙏🏻
Thanks. These videos help me keep perspective. Lol so many narcissists in the world today
Thank you Dr Ramani for the reminder because I was falling for this type of memories convincing myself the ennemies were not that bad.
Thank you. I needed this. My brother has been trying to pull back into my narcissistic family. You speak 100% the truth.❤
Oh! And I mean regarding the Penguin 🐧 he is fascinating from the point of watching a narcissist interact with other characters and the effects it has on them and recognising those traits from what you talk about in your videos
I wish I could articulate what am trying to say
They take your diamond, give you a diamante, and then critique your "cut". Sincerely grateful to my past relationships, because they forced me to go *all* the way back, and that was worth the walk. Thank you Doctor.
When my grandfather died, myself and my father went to visit the nursing home he had been living in (we had not visited for many years before that, and dad had left the financing of the home to his siblings). Dad pretended to be upset for a minute and then went to the room that my grandfather had been living in and ransacked it to see if he could find the money that he was convinced he had hid in there. I could hear him from the mortuary and he was laughing and joking and attempting to flirt with the nurses. He came back an hour later. He had instructed me to stay with the body and later quizzed me about what it was like being in the presence of a corpse.
That is horrific and seems consistent with dark tetrad behavior.
Absolutely TRUE! I remember asking my Ex why he could be so kind and charming to his favorite patients and treat me so indiferently sometimes and he NEVER answered!🤦🏼♀️
Like you say... I tried to hold on to his left over breadcrumbs for me as his "goodness"😢
My daughter is a spectacularly, successful, kind, loving, caring, nurse to all her patients. When it comes to me, her mother, I am ghosted and left out over and over again. I’ve had people comment on here that she is the way she is because of the way I raised her. Not true. She and her sister have broken my heartover and over again.
At first when you start calling them on their treatment of you, they'll justify, rationalize, or bring up something you did that annoyed them. When it gets to the point where you ask them why they did something hurtful and the only reply is silence, it's time to leave because their next response might be physical violence. They just don't care anymore that you're on to them. Glad you got away.
@@beverlyadams7205 I believe you. Could it be that their father was narcissistic to them as they were very jung? Don't blame yourself for their behavior.
@@grnmtns1 Thank you for your comment. That's how it worked out for me and he got indeed violent and raged at me. He could never aknowledge that the cold aggressive look in his eyes was for me the point of no return. It was like meeting a monster and I could not recognize him anymore. I wish you the best🙏🏻
@@QX-xq5uj just seeing someone say they believe me means a lot. No one knows what it’s like to be the result of abuse by your children unless they’ve been there.
My daughters are my abusers. The pain is much greater than any marital situation I ever had. Seeing their abuse for what it is and deciding to walk away is so painful. But I did it.
❤❤❤❤
I'm experiencing this with my youngest son. I'm facing having to throw him out. It would be easier if it were a partner 😢
@@amandaliverpool3374 absolutely. Walking away from my daughters is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. But I promised myself that I would never go back into that abusive situation again and I won’t.
@beverlyadams7205 Fingers crossed 🤞 I'm taking each day as it comes. It's egg shells though. You've done well. Take care 💖
I was alone more than being single. When we together i lost myself catering to his needs. Always questioning myself and what I wanted in my head.
They are sick and bring you down with them. Never met even a close second to that monster. 1 yr on and still recovering. The only way to describe it was being in a relationship with Satan.
I did lose myself as well, I thought woman you feel as if you are alone when you are with him, either on his phone or any distractions to just really be in the moment. Now I know I’m not lonely. I just need to be free of his nonsense. No love….just an object to use. My body. Now I need to learn to love myself and be free❣️❣️❣️
💯💯
I think that all the good that makes you a good person isn’t hâte, at first. The good in us is what starts as jeolousy. They don’t have it and never will. They can't stand that people like us, for us. The narcissist is driven by jeolously. Your compétition. The only way for them to feel better about themselves is to destroy the compétition.
This is so spot on
That's what I noticed, they made me feel a certain way in the beginning and I liked it, wanted more, but it soon turned around. I realized, but don't feel it was a trauma bond, because I was resentful and a little spiteful back, even wanted to do it more, pretty sure it's because of how I grew up, but I really don't want to come running back, no way.
Dont be afraid to be alone and my ex wanted someone exactly like him. And when i tell you shes something from hell itself
Sounds like a match made in heaven, or should I say, hell. Sounds like they both deserve each other.
@@wakeupordie thank you for making me laugh. I mean there's more damage that they both did. Now I'm just picking up the pieces and it's really hard. My mother was a destructive narcissist. My ex and his mistress remind me so, much like my mother but worse
Dr Ramani, you are a pure angel for getting this message out to everyone you can. Every therapist needs to read your book. It is amazing by the way. It is as though you are a fly on the wall for every narcissistic relationship. These people are purely all cut out of the same cloth, their characteristics you have unraveled their complexities. My hat to you for trying to warn everyone and help others explain what they have probably tried to work out for a very long time. Bless you for delving into such a difficult topic.
Thank you Dr Ramani! I was blessed or cursed with the capacity to interpret a lot of the motivations as a young child! It is a snooze fest because they are all the same!
Big Fan Dr. Ramani, that’s why gota tell you that shirt is not for you, and I know whatever you wear doesn’t matter cuz your words of wisdom definitely have surpassed that.
It gave me a much needed “laugh out loud” moment when you said “I mean, the bar is pretty low.” Yes, yes it is. Thank you for that…😂
THANK YOU!
Thank you for another great video, Dr. Ramani. Yes, we're hoping for an honest 'Got you," while the narcissist is gunning for "Gotcha!"
Perfect video for me today! Thanks!
When I would do every single thing right, and not be late by literally 1 minute past the hour (it was that strict), and if I would make food on time, and push myself to absolute exhaustion to do all the things my ex wanted to cram into a non-stop day, and if I kept smiling and being lovely and amicable all day long from waking to sleeping, then he would say "I would class that as a perfect day". I thought it was a strange thing to say, because he said it as though everything was being measured against a set of criteria, rather than just enjoying things for what they were, or even just enjoying spending time together even if it wasn't something to shout about. Usually my friend and family will say something more general like "Ah what a great day, I had a really good time", not seeking perfection, but just having fun, and even laughing about things that go a little bit wrong. And in 23 years my ex said he had a perfect day only about 10 times in 23 years.
Wow, she nailed it. My ex kept bringing up that I "threw him under the bus" when I didn't lie to the police when they asked if he was fishing without a license. This happened two years after we were together. He brought it up every time there was a disagreement for the nine years that followed. If he loved me, he wouldn't have put me in the position to lie for him in the first place.
I have watched many of your videos on narcissists, and I wish I had had this insight before I married one! I only happened to get aware of him being a narcissist after I left him! Then everything in hindsight made sense! 12 lost years!
Everything with a narcissist is transactional. They don't see things the way a non narcissistic person does. When they do something for you, they see that as being very good and you owe them deference, love, adoration. When a non narcissistic person does something for someone, they're not holding a scorecard! They need people so they will do things with the expectation you'll do what they say snd call you ungrateful if you don't.
Excellent segment.
My ex-husband would constantly say that he loved me and he needed me. This was said when I said I was filing for divorce, when I filed for divorce and when the divorce was finalized. I told him even putting aside my disbelief that he “loves” me, we do not belong together because his definition of loving someone and my definition of loving someone are incapable. He didn’t like that at all but it’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I wake up deliriously happy that I am no longer his wife! ❤
#TheHeavinessHasBeenLifted
Dr Ramani you are so on point - thank you for all your help.
Oh, this really resonated. If there are any videos of the dynamic between a narcissist and a perfectionist, a narcissist and a people pleaser, it would probably help a lot too
Stay strong and learn everything you can. It is possible to not only spot your attraction to a narcissist but also their attraction to you( like a magnet) . Once you see it, you can mitigate the threat with knowledge. The threat is real.. everyday for people they target.