Narcissists seek out high value people, people who have something to provide. But also people with a lack of boundaries, support network and self-esteem.
I had self esteem, but until I was healing, I realized my boundaries should have been stronger! Being kind hearted and a empath, I should have been stricter.
@@kimberly0717Same. ❤. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up about it. We are human and make mistakes. Now you know better and can do better. Stay strong ❤❤
The analogy I like. Imagine a line of people shoulder to shoulder and a narcissist approaches and everybody in that line steps back and lo and behold it is YOU who only appears to have stepped forward to the narcissist. It is not personal that they selected you, it is only that YOU didn’t step back because you are COOL, understanding, forgiving, people pleaser and without boundaries. Fix all that in you and soon enough you will be stepping back too like the others smartly did.
I used to think it was my job to do all the work in relationships, and my close friends and family members got very used to it. After I learned I was partly responsible for my situation and stopped giving too much, I lost a lot of friends. Now that I’m only willing to meet someone in the middle, the narcs seem to lose interest in me. I’m not cool anymore with being the only one putting in the work.
When I was a kid, it one day occurred to me that none of my other friends had asked to hang out or plan anything in years. Hurt like hell that summer when I wanted to see if any of them would ask themselves and no one did. Now I have new friends who want to spend time with me
I'm glad u found your boundaries. That's what I had to do as well. I was always taught to take care of my siblings who couldn't manage their lives. I realized I was the youngest in my family & my siblings were my parents responsibility. I had my own offsprings. They're my responsibility. I don't have a relationship with my DNA relatives other than my offsprings!!!
This was my entire life. Need-less and the cool girl. This video made me sick to my stomach because I was that pathetic person and allowed all those horrible things to go on either with my family, my marriage, and my friendships. The moment you stand up for yourself after decades of neglect and abuse and being amenable to every awful manipulation and behavior, you have made enemies of people who you thought you could trust and who you thought cared about you. The trash will take itself out once you say you've had enough. No more settling for crumbs. No more going along to get along. Thanks, Dr. Ramani. Hang in there, survivors. You will get through this!
You me and millions of Nigerian women. That’s our story. We are bred and raised to give, give and them give some more. Never articulating our own need, never complaining or daring to push the man for a change. Why should he when even your own mother will side with him and tell you to suck it up and tell you stories of dozens of close relative women going through the same thing. She will say look, having successful children is your reward. Expect nothing from your marriage. In now remarried to a western man and when I tell him some of the expectations of Nigerian women he cannot believe it nor the amount of brainwashing we get from our parents and often narcissistic fathers. It is a systemic and societal problem. Some women are fighting back by choosing not to marry but the system society has a way of shaming them to think they are less than being a woman because they can’t attract a man and not having children is a disgrace to your parents and society. I bet it’s the same story for women from the Middle East and Asia to greater or lesser degree
I grew up in a household where I didn't feel I was entitled to have any needs...I was told that I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back...no wonder I married 3 different types of narcissist
This is a GREAT topic I've not heard anyone cover before but it's exactly what happened to me my whole life. It wasn't until I was seriously ill and literally fighting for my life with Autoimmune conditions that I started studying Narscissism in depth 10 years ago. If it wasn't for UA-cam and primarily Dr Ramani but also Dr Berg, I never would have figured it out and began a long hard healing journey. Looking back, I can't believe how far I've come.
Exactly my story!! Autoimmune issues, chronic health issues ( which I had my whole life) finally pushed me to take a deep dive as I reached a point where I realised I may not last long...but as days went by, I started getting tired of living with fear of death, realised, death can only be a good thing, so might as well give myself all the love, care and help I can which I too had ignored...So happy at this stage in my life and happy for this community.. happy about a LOT ❤
OMG!!!!! This is me!!! Needless!!!! At 75 yrs old I am still trying to figure out who I am. Ask me......what are my needs? My answer has always been, I don't really have any needs other than to be what others need me to be. I was the 11th of 15 children and I did not want to be a burden. Go with the flow, keep the peace, don't be a burden, disappear, don't be noticed, don't be selfish, BE selfless!! I guess I knew that my needs would never be met so stop being selfish and accept that. I am 7 years out of a 48 yr marriage to a man that I did not know was a Narcissist. I thought it was ME that could not "get it right". I am in counseling now and trying to figure out how to take care of "me". This concept feels foreign and selfish and I want that to go away. But how??? Setting a boundary feels very selfish and scary.
Keep going. You're not 75 years old. You're 75 years young. Begin now and keep going. You have the upper hand now because you realise how you behaved in relationships actually damaged and hurt you. That's wisdom and it's never to late to learn about who you really are. I wish you the very best. 💐
Ikr, I get it, I'm near 60 and many of the needs I have can no longer through time, circumstances, money and ill health, be fulfilled. Actually working them out has also meant grieving the losses. My parents saw their needs, I was an accessory.
A childhood of emotional deprivation and neglect left me suffering the same fate. Though less so these days, still, I've always felt "lucky" to be lked or noticed by those I admire and respect. I was called out on it several years ago, which was mortifying, but ultimately helpful to recognize.
As a child, when I told my mother I needed something she would tell me " deal with it !" If I started to cry she would backhand me and give me a cold stare warning me " Don't show me that ! You Know Better than to Show me That !" I spent hours in my room trying to figure out my own solutions and spending hours escaping in books which became my best friends
This was my mother. This is my sister. My mother's life was ruined, and my sister in life has been very damaged. Giving is wonderful. Being generous and kind is wonderful. But if it's not tempered with awareness and self-respect, you really can have your life ruined. Please learn the lesson before it's too late for you. Took me years to learn it for myself.
Absolutely! Neglected my needs to survive. I was conditioned to be invisible. Was stuck for 28 years. Been free 6 months! So true it looked like we worked because I always seemed content. I wasn't I was just frozen by his treatment, dating sites, pornography, flirtation, devaluation, rageful outburst. Everything you talk about! I'm out of the fantasy now, the glass dome lifted and I can breathe. Thank you Dr R xx
Telling a narc " this does not feel good to me" is NOT good..they love making you feel not good. In my opinion, is better to give a clear verbal boundary like " i do not accept that"
My parents made me believe we were dirt poor so that I wouldn't ask for anything. I didn't like asking for school supplies because I thought it would hurt my parents pockets. I used to love helping ppl & taking care of ppl until I realized those who I helped didn't care for me. Now I prefer to help strangers who can't help me because they don't know it was me who gave to them. There are some ppl I still help but I have limits & boundaries!!!
Growing up I was completely alone when it came to my needs being met, I learned at an early age that when I asked for one of my needs to be met, the answer would always be “No!”!!!
Actually, the narcissist will tell you how they love your low maintenance to make you more low maintenance and make you more “less needy”. I don’t know if that made any sense but that was my reality! The more I tried to please him by being low maintenance, the more I lost who I really was and lost my needs.
Ive been a needless person my entire life - “I go with the flow” I tell people! I expressed three needs very clearly to my husband: to be able to share stories I love (movies, tv), having a made bed to crawl into, and to be wrapped up in a tight hug when I’m letting my emotions take the wheel. In the end I decided I was being a nag, sweating the small stuff. I believed the illusion of the big picture. I regret not sweating the smaller stuff more early on.
Wow! This video resonated with me. I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about the whole "cool girl" thing aka: "the needless person". That was me. All my life I stuffed my feelings and my own needs because I thought going along and being "cool" would get me loved. Instead it got me used and abused. I became whatever people (especially men) wanted me to be- and that led me to some very dark places. My journey of healing from severe abuse and neglect was a long one and with the right therapist I finally found myself. It's so liberating to break that cycle of selling myself out to the lowest bidder and discovering my worth. Thank you for all you do, this video really touched me on so many levels.
Oh, dear. Dr. Ramini just described me. I've been a "needless person" since I was a child. It's a very difficult behaviour to change, especially if you've been needless since childhood because you don't even realise you're behaving in this self destructive way when you become an adult. I went to religious schools with other children and the first thing we were taught was that we had to be absolutely perfect in every way, and that to have an opinion that was different from the one that was given to us was selfish and utterly sinful and unacceptable. After many years of that kind of brainwashing, most of us were total introverts who would always put our wants, needs and opinions behind everyone else. Is it any wonder that I and many people I went to school with are needless, fawning, people pleasers.
There are still alot of good people in the world. Healing after trauma will always be ongoing. Remain aware and set boundaries ( hard ones where needed) give yourself a break often. Thanks Dr Ramani. Im getting it before 60❤
When my narcissistic bully of a mother speaks of another as being 'sweet, lovely' or 'a honey' you can bet that she has found the most subservient, diminutive person in the suburb. It revoluts me.
Wow. The social climbing narcissist. One of my closest friends (who is no longer my friend) stopped talking to me and when I tried to talk to her about it, she said she preferred to hang out with her colleagues because they were professional and at her level (she was a therapist). The lightbulb just came on in my head and it all makes sense now!
I got so used to doing everything for so long and I stopped asking for any help because I was always told that's nagging. Because you know asking somebody to do the bare minimum if you have to ask five times because they keep " forgetting" to do it, and then when you finally lose patients they tell you your unreasonable and your standards are too high. So after many years of this I just started taking pride in doing things myself and not asking things of other people thus becoming needless. I've only recently learned how bad that is so thank you for this video.
My narcissist is a therapist in charge of the crisis department of our local mental health care. She is seen as a god for her incredible skills at manipulation... and I have to admit, that in a crisis situation, she is unmatched.
Doctor Ramani, THANK YOU! I was in a relationship with a narc and I was of course confused and abused. After I watched one of your interviews I literally heard an angels choir and saw a bright light. The pain stopped and next day I ended the nightmare I was in.
The description of the needless person is accurate. When I heard your description I just felt myself sink into a pile. I am that needless person and didn’t even realize it
Cool girl or go with the flow kind of person hit me so hard 😅. I thought my mother became a bit nasty to me recently but now that I think about it, she was always like this to me and I never saw. And later on when I saw I didn't want to believe because it made me sad. And my father is bigger narcissistic parent than her. So I'm doomed. And I just worry too much and try to find ways how to not end up with a narcissist and if I do, how xan I let them know I'm not vulnerable enough to be played with. Your videos are healing me a lot. Thanks 🙏🏻❤
It's funny that you mention the "cool girl" thing. I don't think my ex was exactly narcissistic, but he had LOTS of other issues that he refused to get professional help for and instead insisted on dealing with in very unhealthy ways. Let me tell you, the things I let him get away with, simply because I was sooo afraid of being viewed as a narrow-minded, stuck-in-the-mud, intolerant and judgemental girlfriend... I became so "tolerant" and cool with every new 🐂 💩 he came up with, it nearly drove me insane. Thank god I put a stop to it in the end!
All of these comments are as helpful as this video. Earlier this year I was telling my therapist how I have always been the one who accepts what is left. As long as everyone else in the house is happy, then I am happy with whatever is left for me. I kind of blamed this (and myself) for the reason why he thought he could keep on hurting me and I wouldn't notice or if I did, I wouldnt say anything. I developed an autoimmune disease and he never took one bit of notice of that, all the appointments I had to go, all my worry. Over 29 years I can map the times when I have done something for myself and when he has done things to get his supply from somewhere else, with the extra delight that he was hurting me without me knowing. The latest time though, I watched online while he reacted to my plea to not hurt me by doing exactly what I asked him to not do. Im now wide awake but this is so painful. Thanks for all the comments that help to keep me sane and conscious.
I've experienced this French proverb as a core wound. It's like the Muppets Christmas Carole when gonzo says 'Thank you for making me a part of this!'.
Thank you for this video its another level of clarity! I really appreciate the way you clearly explain the process of narcissism. The deep way narcs play who they want and how you are supply!
For the first time I picked up her mention of attachment style. Never really honed in on it before until I started looking into Fearful Avoidants insecure attachment styles. Game changer.
See, Dr Ramani has my number. That was exactly what my family culture encouraged. So sad! They/ we didn’t know how to be vulnerable and feel safe to love, be Loved. We were trained to just work, survive and shut up, never complain, never ask for help. Just work, survive, support the needy. Thats life as we knew it. So sad for all the love we missed while we were hiding away in service , hoping service will make us worthy of being loved. Listen to Dr Ramani.
Your cool girl section really hit home for me. I was the cool guy in my marriage and I went through everything you laid out, so much that I was shouting out in my car while listening out of Deja vu.
My needs were slowly taken away. I was needless and it makes me so angry. Very important things to me were not honored. In addition my narcissistic husband also became a thief and it’s horrible
I was raised by a narcissistic mother in a religious household. I was told children should be seen and not heard. I raised my younger brothers, i cared for my mentally unstable mother. My other family members said i was the "perfect" child. I stayed quite and out of the way. Did what i was told. Never got in trouble. I was easy prey from my narcissist ex husband. Being raised in a turbulent house i thought the constant fights was normal. I did whatever I could to try and appease him but was never treated with love or respect. During that time i was in and out of hospitals and specialists offices. I was sick and depressed all the time. I developed multiple autoimmune disorders. He called me crazy and a hypochondriac and used my illnesses as proof that I was just lazy and not good enough to be loved and respected. I finally found a doctor that explained I had an overactive sympathetic nervous system from being in a constant state for fight/flight. A disability investigator explained the correlation between complex PTSD and autoimmune disorders and a couples therapist told me that ex was a covert narcissist and possibly a sociopath and that Iwas being abused. That started to path of research, everything started to make sense. Learning lead to healing.
Right on time! This month of Libra has totally been about boundaries and expressing needs. Your video really helps to confirm some recent moves. Thank you. 📿
What does ZERO need to become zero. Nothing from nothing is nothing. Took me years to unbecome what I had been groomed to be. I was just a passed around to be used.
Anything and anybody that will provide them a shortcut. Nomatter the risk, the damage, the cost, the pain, the filth, and the consequences. They will switch from a homosexual to a heterosexual married man in the speed of light just for a house and a paycheck.
When you grow up in it you stop knowing what you need, or what's good for you, you just comply. You just do what you're told to do and live a life you never wanted, confused as to why it feels so wrong and it's going badly. Narcissistic parents he you do what they think you should be doing, what they need and want. Pretty sickening stuff because it's rarely going to fit your needs because they don't see or hear you! Then you end up in the wrong job with the wrong partner living the wrong life. By the time you wake up many of those needs cannot be fulfilled, the time has gone and it's too late.
Here's a big key. I've worked hard to be needless. After all, with N parents, very few needs were met. For whatever reasons. Wasband sure took advantage of that training. My therapist and others through life have talked about needs. I honestly don't know what they are, or that I have the rights to have any. Dr. R, what are legitimate needs? Which change over the years. It sounds pretty silly. But I don't know.
I've struggled with this for years. I've decided that needs are the things that make you feel (rationally, physically and emotionally) safe in a relationship. For your intimate partner, it's also what you need to feel close to the other person.
Fascinating collection of thoughts! Thank you! I struggled with the "cool girl" thing because for me "she" (gender neutral) is a person with hybris, snobbiness, looks dpwn on people, someone who is most likely on the narc scale themselves. Layed back on the other hand makes sens to me, and for me is similar to the 1st concept (frnch proverb)
Hell... Phew! From my early childhood, I was told on my face...She is a GOOD GIRL, she does not have NEEDS As a child, i really thought it was my virtue! And yet kept seeing how my bottomless pitted siblings kept demanding stuff from my parents..and they kept getting rewarded.. However, I did not escape any mental and even physical torture from my Mom and received total emotional neglect from my Dad... Anyways, i knew I needed sunlight and fresh air..and i have less needs, but plenty of sunshine and fresh air and Nature while my family is stuck with delibitating mental and physical issues and not able to visit where I live.. I dont wish them harm, to the contrary i wish they gained some real happiness... something they will never acheive even though they have sucked out everything that came their way like a hunger where you can never get satiated...
In a way we're lucky for learning it early on. We are shit magnets though. I am thinking I might be better off alone than to be with the kind of person that wants me.
I was such a “cool girl” that I actually agreed to keep from changing my Facebook relationship status until we were married, and I was even such a “cool girl” that I agreed to hide our engagement (taking off the ring when I was outside) until our city hall wedding…which I agreed to instead of a party or celebration wedding because I was a “cool girl.” What followed was 7 years of coercive control and abuse from a malignant narcissist.
Bought a small pie. Old fashioned no sugar added. Delicious then I read the back of the box 4g sugar! Yes I was taught to be needless. It’s still hard to ask for help. But at least I do try now a days. But I know I need to step up more. The games, the games ..
Dear @DoctorRamani - you don't know me, but you became a friend for me over the past view years of running in and out of the trap of narcistic relationships - yes, I was blinded by the light of those seemingly charismatic and destined people, yes, I was used to serve, so I was happy to be of use for at least somebody and I was easily manipulated through my fear of loneliness and loss of affection. Thank you for making yourself a bit more "vulnerable" or "approachable" by telling more about yourself. It really does help to know, that you had to step in some "black holes" as well to be the warm, caring person you seem to be now. Thank you for not letting bitterness settle in your heart. I am trying my best as well. Lots of Love and Appreciation from Vienna, Austria to you, @DoctorRamani - you literally were there with my in my darkest hours and I know, you were there for so many others as well. I hope, you are a happy woman now and I hope you are loved.
Your needs were pushed out and nothing mattered other than there’s because everytime you brought up your need there’s out shined yours they would be confrontational and wouldn’t argue back cos they don’t like confrontation x
A close friend and myself have shared alot of similar experiences..being needless people ...we have a saying ..."Not no more" ..I know it sounds bit childlike but its a little mantra that works for us ..
I can relate, I literally taped a piece of paper next to my front door, that said, "the answer is NO". That way, when I left the house it was a personal reminder to start saying NO to people.
I have a friend who only text back when he wants to text back. He could ignore me for months. Then when I call him out on it for not being a good friend. He’s like aw is someone being a cry baby. Or he will say I’m just not a social person. He complains at work when other people get raises and says I don’t know how he got the raise. An he talks about the guy who got the raise a lot. Then when I say just work harder. He gets upset and says shut up. He thinks he’s the smartest in the group. He will be little his friends and call us dummies. Or I tell him that you could make your life better by trying and ignoring what other people say. Just be you , he’s like you don’t understand you are stupid. You don’t get what I’m saying because you are low IQ. Now would he be considered a narcissist?
Christine Albright "I developed multiple sclerosis" "I discovered that I am a generational curse breaker -narcissist"🙏!... "THANK YOU"🙏!... "+"!..."🙏"!...
Not seen anyone mention it but people very high in narcissistic traits also have auto immune issues. My mother probably has as close to Narcissistic personality disorder as can be but she has both rumatoid and lupus, its in the dna regardless it seems. I think when things arent going so well for them it can cause a stress response that triggers it.
YOUR BOIK ITS NOT NE HELPED ME TO FOCUS ON FALSE GUILT AND CYCLICAL BAD RELATUINSHIPS BUT IT ALSO HELPED ME TO FOCUS ON WHAT I BROUGHT TO THEM- THE COLL, NEEDLESS GIRL..NO MORE!!!!
Im suffering because of narcissistic mom. I cannot go no contact...gray rock, avoid contact isnot working and i am losing my mind... i need help. Each day is a struggle
Narcissists seek out high value people, people who have something to provide. But also people with a lack of boundaries, support network and self-esteem.
Why are you piggy backing on the great work of Dr Ramani's? Do you need her followers to support you😢
I needed to hear this
I had self esteem, but until I was healing, I realized my boundaries should have been stronger! Being kind hearted and a empath, I should have been stricter.
Yeap
@@kimberly0717Same. ❤. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up about it. We are human and make mistakes. Now you know better and can do better. Stay strong ❤❤
The analogy I like. Imagine a line of people shoulder to shoulder and a narcissist approaches and everybody in that line steps back and lo and behold it is YOU who only appears to have stepped forward to the narcissist. It is not personal that they selected you, it is only that YOU didn’t step back because you are COOL, understanding, forgiving, people pleaser and without boundaries. Fix all that in you and soon enough you will be stepping back too like the others smartly did.
I used to think it was my job to do all the work in relationships, and my close friends and family members got very used to it. After I learned I was partly responsible for my situation and stopped giving too much, I lost a lot of friends. Now that I’m only willing to meet someone in the middle, the narcs seem to lose interest in me. I’m not cool anymore with being the only one putting in the work.
Felt. This. Deeply.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself. The trash eventually takes itself out.
When I was a kid, it one day occurred to me that none of my other friends had asked to hang out or plan anything in years. Hurt like hell that summer when I wanted to see if any of them would ask themselves and no one did. Now I have new friends who want to spend time with me
@bizboy6036 i always knew i had low self worth and less value as a friend too. So it was compromise what do i do . Its been debilating 😫
I'm glad u found your boundaries. That's what I had to do as well. I was always taught to take care of my siblings who couldn't manage their lives. I realized I was the youngest in my family & my siblings were my parents responsibility. I had my own offsprings. They're my responsibility. I don't have a relationship with my DNA relatives other than my offsprings!!!
Our needs were shattered. Our hearts were broken. This is to condition us to become needless person.
Yes souls were sucked up by these toxic entities.😕😕
What do u mean by needless ? Ion get it explain
@chellotrevino7323 a person who has no needs. They always put others first
@@chellotrevino7323- "Someone who has no sense of self." Direct quote from her.
This was my entire life. Need-less and the cool girl. This video made me sick to my stomach because I was that pathetic person and allowed all those horrible things to go on either with my family, my marriage, and my friendships.
The moment you stand up for yourself after decades of neglect and abuse and being amenable to every awful manipulation and behavior, you have made enemies of people who you thought you could trust and who you thought cared about you. The trash will take itself out once you say you've had enough. No more settling for crumbs. No more going along to get along.
Thanks, Dr. Ramani. Hang in there, survivors. You will get through this!
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You hit the nail right on the head. Well said and wise words.
Watching this video made me cry, it was like listening to my entire story.
Same bawling thinking about the sa I endured from birth conditioning me to never have a need😭
You me and millions of Nigerian women. That’s our story. We are bred and raised to give, give and them give some more. Never articulating our own need, never complaining or daring to push the man for a change. Why should he when even your own mother will side with him and tell you to suck it up and tell you stories of dozens of close relative women going through the same thing. She will say look, having successful children is your reward. Expect nothing from your marriage. In now remarried to a western man and when I tell him some of the expectations of Nigerian women he cannot believe it nor the amount of brainwashing we get from our parents and often narcissistic fathers. It is a systemic and societal problem. Some women are fighting back by choosing not to marry but the system society has a way of shaming them to think they are less than being a woman because they can’t attract a man and not having children is a disgrace to your parents and society. I bet it’s the same story for women from the Middle East and Asia to greater or lesser degree
I grew up in a household where I didn't feel I was entitled to have any needs...I was told that I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back...no wonder I married 3 different types of narcissist
What a wise person , to simplify the most complicated relationships in an understandable way. ❤
This is a GREAT topic I've not heard anyone cover before but it's exactly what happened to me my whole life. It wasn't until I was seriously ill and literally fighting for my life with Autoimmune conditions that I started studying Narscissism in depth 10 years ago. If it wasn't for UA-cam and primarily Dr Ramani but also Dr Berg, I never would have figured it out and began a long hard healing journey. Looking back, I can't believe how far I've come.
I was/am in a similar boat
Same here.
Exactly my story!!
Autoimmune issues, chronic health issues ( which I had my whole life) finally pushed me to take a deep dive as I reached a point where I realised I may not last long...but as days went by, I started getting tired of living with fear of death, realised, death can only be a good thing, so might as well give myself all the love, care and help I can which I too had ignored...So happy at this stage in my life and happy for this community.. happy about a LOT ❤
OMG!!!!! This is me!!! Needless!!!! At 75 yrs old I am still trying to figure out who I am. Ask me......what are my needs? My answer has always been, I don't really have any needs other than to be what others need me to be. I was the 11th of 15 children and I did not want to be a burden. Go with the flow, keep the peace, don't be a burden, disappear, don't be noticed, don't be selfish, BE selfless!! I guess I knew that my needs would never be met so stop being selfish and accept that. I am 7 years out of a 48 yr marriage to a man that I did not know was a Narcissist. I thought it was ME that could not "get it right". I am in counseling now and trying to figure out how to take care of "me". This concept feels foreign and selfish and I want that to go away. But how??? Setting a boundary feels very selfish and scary.
Maybe feel what you feel, acknowledge it, and go on doing good things for yourself, caring for yourself, anyway? ❤ 👋
I'm 11th of 13 🙂 54 and on a painful journey trying to understand what I went through, but we will get there. Be nice to yourself.
Keep going. You're not 75 years old. You're 75 years young. Begin now and keep going. You have the upper hand now because you realise how you behaved in relationships actually damaged and hurt you. That's wisdom and it's never to late to learn about who you really are. I wish you the very best. 💐
Ikr, I get it, I'm near 60 and many of the needs I have can no longer through time, circumstances, money and ill health, be fulfilled. Actually working them out has also meant grieving the losses. My parents saw their needs, I was an accessory.
A childhood of emotional deprivation and neglect left me suffering the same fate. Though less so these days, still, I've always felt "lucky" to be lked or noticed by those I admire and respect. I was called out on it several years ago, which was mortifying, but ultimately helpful to recognize.
As a child, when I told my mother I needed something she would tell me " deal with it !" If I started to cry she would backhand me and give me a cold stare warning me " Don't show me that ! You Know Better than to Show me That !" I spent hours in my room trying to figure out my own solutions and spending hours escaping in books which became my best friends
This was my mother. This is my sister. My mother's life was ruined, and my sister in life has been very damaged. Giving is wonderful. Being generous and kind is wonderful. But if it's not tempered with awareness and self-respect, you really can have your life ruined. Please learn the lesson before it's too late for you. Took me years to learn it for myself.
Absolutely! Neglected my needs to survive. I was conditioned to be invisible. Was stuck for 28 years. Been free 6 months! So true it looked like we worked because I always seemed content. I wasn't I was just frozen by his treatment, dating sites, pornography, flirtation, devaluation, rageful outburst. Everything you talk about! I'm out of the fantasy now, the glass dome lifted and I can breathe. Thank you Dr R xx
And they're always shocked when you leave.
Telling a narc " this does not feel good to me" is NOT good..they love making you feel not good. In my opinion, is better to give a clear verbal boundary like " i do not accept that"
My parents made me believe we were dirt poor so that I wouldn't ask for anything. I didn't like asking for school supplies because I thought it would hurt my parents pockets. I used to love helping ppl & taking care of ppl until I realized those who I helped didn't care for me. Now I prefer to help strangers who can't help me because they don't know it was me who gave to them. There are some ppl I still help but I have limits & boundaries!!!
Growing up I was completely alone when it came to my needs being met, I learned at an early age that when I asked for one of my needs to be met, the answer would always be “No!”!!!
My motto as a teenager was, “If I can just be perfect, they will leave me the f¥ck alone.” This makes me sad to think about at the age of 61.
Sending you a hug. This info is necessary but painful to recognize
As soon as I started to demand my needs be met, she discarded me.
Yes sir you didn’t meet their needs anymore
Actually, the narcissist will tell you how they love your low maintenance to make you more low maintenance and make you more “less needy”. I don’t know if that made any sense but that was my reality! The more I tried to please him by being low maintenance, the more I lost who I really was and lost my needs.
Spot on.
Ive been a needless person my entire life - “I go with the flow” I tell people!
I expressed three needs very clearly to my husband: to be able to share stories I love (movies, tv), having a made bed to crawl into, and to be wrapped up in a tight hug when I’m letting my emotions take the wheel.
In the end I decided I was being a nag, sweating the small stuff. I believed the illusion of the big picture. I regret not sweating the smaller stuff more early on.
Wow! This video resonated with me. I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about the whole "cool girl" thing aka: "the needless person". That was me. All my life I stuffed my feelings and my own needs because I thought going along and being "cool" would get me loved.
Instead it got me used and abused. I became whatever people (especially men) wanted me to be- and that led me to some very dark places.
My journey of healing from severe abuse and neglect was a long one and with the right therapist I finally found myself. It's so liberating to break that cycle of selling myself out to the lowest bidder and discovering my worth.
Thank you for all you do, this video really touched me on so many levels.
Thanks Dr. Ramani it took Me 52 Years and You helped Me so much ❤️ to finally Get it!!! Blessings 🙌
same here, but I always say better late than never
Not far down the road they cry that you don't need them. Then they become set on taking that out of you.
Oh, dear. Dr. Ramini just described me. I've been a "needless person" since I was a child. It's a very difficult behaviour to change, especially if you've been needless since childhood because you don't even realise you're behaving in this self destructive way when you become an adult.
I went to religious schools with other children and the first thing we were taught was that we had to be absolutely perfect in every way, and that to have an opinion that was different from the one that was given to us was selfish and utterly sinful and unacceptable.
After many years of that kind of brainwashing, most of us were total introverts who would always put our wants, needs and opinions behind everyone else. Is it any wonder that I and many people I went to school with are needless, fawning, people pleasers.
"Using their own kid as a playdate pawn." Beautifully said. I never had the words for this.
There are still alot of good people in the world. Healing after trauma will always be ongoing. Remain aware and set boundaries ( hard ones where needed) give yourself a break often.
Thanks Dr Ramani. Im getting it before 60❤
When my narcissistic bully of a mother speaks of another as being 'sweet, lovely' or 'a honey' you can bet that she has found the most subservient, diminutive person in the suburb. It revoluts me.
Wow. The social climbing narcissist. One of my closest friends (who is no longer my friend) stopped talking to me and when I tried to talk to her about it, she said she preferred to hang out with her colleagues because they were professional and at her level (she was a therapist). The lightbulb just came on in my head and it all makes sense now!
I got so used to doing everything for so long and I stopped asking for any help because I was always told that's nagging.
Because you know asking somebody to do the bare minimum if you have to ask five times because they keep " forgetting" to do it, and then when you finally lose patients they tell you your unreasonable and your standards are too high.
So after many years of this I just started taking pride in doing things myself and not asking things of other people thus becoming needless.
I've only recently learned how bad that is so thank you for this video.
This is the most remarkable video on narcissism and relationships that I've ever seen. I can relate so much with this.
Thank you so much.
My narcissist is a therapist in charge of the crisis department of our local mental health care. She is seen as a god for her incredible skills at manipulation... and I have to admit, that in a crisis situation, she is unmatched.
I know two.
Doctor Ramani, THANK YOU! I was in a relationship with a narc and I was of course confused and abused. After I watched one of your interviews I literally heard an angels choir and saw a bright light. The pain stopped and next day I ended the nightmare I was in.
The description of the needless person is accurate. When I heard your description I just felt myself sink into a pile. I am that needless person and didn’t even realize it
Well wow! All your counsel is really good, but this one for me was over the top…thank you🙏💖
Cool girl or go with the flow kind of person hit me so hard 😅. I thought my mother became a bit nasty to me recently but now that I think about it, she was always like this to me and I never saw. And later on when I saw I didn't want to believe because it made me sad. And my father is bigger narcissistic parent than her. So I'm doomed. And I just worry too much and try to find ways how to not end up with a narcissist and if I do, how xan I let them know I'm not vulnerable enough to be played with. Your videos are healing me a lot. Thanks 🙏🏻❤
OMG, this is me. I am so sad😢. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani
It's funny that you mention the "cool girl" thing. I don't think my ex was exactly narcissistic, but he had LOTS of other issues that he refused to get professional help for and instead insisted on dealing with in very unhealthy ways. Let me tell you, the things I let him get away with, simply because I was sooo afraid of being viewed as a narrow-minded, stuck-in-the-mud, intolerant and judgemental girlfriend... I became so "tolerant" and cool with every new 🐂 💩 he came up with, it nearly drove me insane. Thank god I put a stop to it in the end!
All of these comments are as helpful as this video. Earlier this year I was telling my therapist how I have always been the one who accepts what is left. As long as everyone else in the house is happy, then I am happy with whatever is left for me. I kind of blamed this (and myself) for the reason why he thought he could keep on hurting me and I wouldn't notice or if I did, I wouldnt say anything. I developed an autoimmune disease and he never took one bit of notice of that, all the appointments I had to go, all my worry.
Over 29 years I can map the times when I have done something for myself and when he has done things to get his supply from somewhere else, with the extra delight that he was hurting me without me knowing. The latest time though, I watched online while he reacted to my plea to not hurt me by doing exactly what I asked him to not do. Im now wide awake but this is so painful. Thanks for all the comments that help to keep me sane and conscious.
Dr. Ramani that Red on you is Dazzliingly beautiful. It's Smashing !
I've experienced this French proverb as a core wound.
It's like the Muppets Christmas Carole when gonzo says 'Thank you for making me a part of this!'.
Thank you for this video its another level of clarity! I really appreciate the way you clearly explain the process of narcissism. The deep way narcs play who they want and how you are supply!
For the first time I picked up her mention of attachment style. Never really honed in on it before until I started looking into Fearful Avoidants insecure attachment styles. Game changer.
I totally get your UA-cam name - Ditto ClusterB-Magnet
@@Angela-bz8sw Working on it 😉
Yes, another here with Immune Disorder. Always of service, never recognized, appreciated. Instead, villified.
Wow! I needed this information. Wow! My mind is blown! It explains a lot! Thank You!
See, Dr Ramani has my number. That was exactly what my family culture encouraged. So sad! They/ we didn’t know how to be vulnerable and feel safe to love, be Loved. We were trained to just work, survive and shut up, never complain, never ask for help. Just work, survive, support the needy. Thats life as we knew it. So sad for all the love we missed while we were hiding away in service , hoping service will make us worthy of being loved. Listen to Dr Ramani.
Your cool girl section really hit home for me. I was the cool guy in my marriage and I went through everything you laid out, so much that I was shouting out in my car while listening out of Deja vu.
My needs were slowly taken away. I was needless and it makes me so angry. Very important things to me were not honored. In addition my narcissistic husband also became a thief and it’s horrible
Yes, exactly, I can do all stuff by myself. From childhood. I dont need new clothes, new car, ..
Thank you Ramani that's made me feel a bit better I felt like such an idiot I'm 58 years old too thanks for all your support Xxxzxx
Thanks to you my life is not like this anymore xxx
Yes!!! Thank you, Dr. Ramani
You are always spot on.
Very well said. It really strikes a chord with me. I never really thought about it like this
I was raised by a narcissistic mother in a religious household. I was told children should be seen and not heard. I raised my younger brothers, i cared for my mentally unstable mother. My other family members said i was the "perfect" child. I stayed quite and out of the way. Did what i was told. Never got in trouble. I was easy prey from my narcissist ex husband. Being raised in a turbulent house i thought the constant fights was normal. I did whatever I could to try and appease him but was never treated with love or respect. During that time i was in and out of hospitals and specialists offices. I was sick and depressed all the time. I developed multiple autoimmune disorders. He called me crazy and a hypochondriac and used my illnesses as proof that I was just lazy and not good enough to be loved and respected. I finally found a doctor that explained I had an overactive sympathetic nervous system from being in a constant state for fight/flight. A disability investigator explained the correlation between complex PTSD and autoimmune disorders and a couples therapist told me that ex was a covert narcissist and possibly a sociopath and that Iwas being abused. That started to path of research, everything started to make sense. Learning lead to healing.
Oof. I’m the needless person. Gut punch.
Right on time! This month of Libra has totally been about boundaries and expressing needs. Your video really helps to confirm some recent moves. Thank you. 📿
I have completely surrendered my needs. But am about to speak out as I've had enough. This will not continue into the new year!
Dr. Ramani really nailed it with this video. I'm so grateful for her.💐
This was exactly what I was looking for. Thank you so much for all of this information. I appreciate you.
I was called a “good camper”, translates to the one who never complained and took instructions.
What does ZERO need to become zero. Nothing from nothing is nothing.
Took me years to unbecome what I had been groomed to be. I was just a passed around to be used.
Such a blessed and powerful woman . Live on , live long
Dr. Ramani, I very much appreciate all of your content. ❤
I love Dr R.❤
Yes I'm 58 and have had a few in my life only just learnt now and especially with your help Thank you x
I love this video. It fills my heart with warmth. It brings me a great sense of comfort in my coldish, cool environment.. Thank you.❤
Really enjoyed this video, and yes, I did enjoy that last little story🤭Thank you!
🙋♀️ cool girl here!!😮 this makes sooo much sence! Thank you.
Sadly it’s taken me around about the same amount of time as you to realise this!
Anything and anybody that will provide them a shortcut. Nomatter the risk, the damage, the cost, the pain, the filth, and the consequences. They will switch from a homosexual to a heterosexual married man in the speed of light just for a house and a paycheck.
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!!! YIKES
i take the high road, theres less traffic here.
I really enjoy your videos Dr Ramani. Thank you.
I went from a human being as a 4 yr old to a human doing as an adult trying to make them love me and get my needs met.
When you grow up in it you stop knowing what you need, or what's good for you, you just comply. You just do what you're told to do and live a life you never wanted, confused as to why it feels so wrong and it's going badly. Narcissistic parents he you do what they think you should be doing, what they need and want. Pretty sickening stuff because it's rarely going to fit your needs because they don't see or hear you! Then you end up in the wrong job with the wrong partner living the wrong life. By the time you wake up many of those needs cannot be fulfilled, the time has gone and it's too late.
Dr. Ramani for your encouraging words. Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙌👑🇯🇲😊❤️
Here's a big key. I've worked hard to be needless. After all, with N parents, very few needs were met. For whatever reasons. Wasband sure took advantage of that training.
My therapist and others through life have talked about needs. I honestly don't know what they are, or that I have the rights to have any.
Dr. R, what are legitimate needs? Which change over the years. It sounds pretty silly. But I don't know.
Jean, I feel you. It's so foreign to me too. I mean I need toilet paper in the bathroom, or gas in my car...but personal needs?
I've struggled with this for years. I've decided that needs are the things that make you feel (rationally, physically and emotionally) safe in a relationship. For your intimate partner, it's also what you need to feel close to the other person.
Thank you
Fascinating collection of thoughts! Thank you!
I struggled with the "cool girl" thing because for me "she" (gender neutral) is a person with hybris, snobbiness, looks dpwn on people, someone who is most likely on the narc scale themselves.
Layed back on the other hand makes sens to me, and for me is similar to the 1st concept (frnch proverb)
Yes a friend should think of your needs too
Hell...
Phew!
From my early childhood, I was told on my face...She is a GOOD GIRL, she does not have NEEDS
As a child, i really thought it was my virtue! And yet kept seeing how my bottomless pitted siblings kept demanding stuff from my parents..and they kept getting rewarded..
However, I did not escape any mental and even physical torture from my Mom and received total emotional neglect from my Dad...
Anyways, i knew I needed sunlight and fresh air..and i have less needs, but plenty of sunshine and fresh air and Nature while my family is stuck with delibitating mental and physical issues and not able to visit where I live..
I dont wish them harm, to the contrary i wish they gained some real happiness... something they will never acheive even though they have sucked out everything that came their way like a hunger where you can never get satiated...
In a way we're lucky for learning it early on. We are shit magnets though. I am thinking I might be better off alone than to be with the kind of person that wants me.
I was such a “cool girl” that I actually agreed to keep from changing my Facebook relationship status until we were married, and I was even such a “cool girl” that I agreed to hide our engagement (taking off the ring when I was outside) until our city hall wedding…which I agreed to instead of a party or celebration wedding because I was a “cool girl.” What followed was 7 years of coercive control and abuse from a malignant narcissist.
Bought a small pie. Old fashioned no sugar added. Delicious then I read the back of the box 4g sugar! Yes I was taught to be needless. It’s still hard to ask for help. But at least I do try now a days. But I know I need to step up more. The games, the games ..
For types of people narcissists seek out- me, me, me, me😂
Danke!
Dear @DoctorRamani - you don't know me, but you became a friend for me over the past view years of running in and out of the trap of narcistic relationships - yes, I was blinded by the light of those seemingly charismatic and destined people, yes, I was used to serve, so I was happy to be of use for at least somebody and I was easily manipulated through my fear of loneliness and loss of affection.
Thank you for making yourself a bit more "vulnerable" or "approachable" by telling more about yourself.
It really does help to know, that you had to step in some "black holes" as well to be the warm, caring person you seem to be now. Thank you for not letting bitterness settle in your heart. I am trying my best as well.
Lots of Love and Appreciation from Vienna, Austria to you, @DoctorRamani - you literally were there with my in my darkest hours and I know, you were there for so many others as well. I hope, you are a happy woman now and I hope you are loved.
Your needs were pushed out and nothing mattered other than there’s because everytime you brought up your need there’s out shined yours they would be confrontational and wouldn’t argue back cos they don’t like confrontation x
A close friend and myself have shared alot of similar experiences..being needless people ...we have a saying ..."Not no more" ..I know it sounds bit childlike but its a little mantra that works for us ..
I can relate, I literally taped a piece of paper next to my front door, that said, "the answer is NO". That way, when I left the house it was a personal reminder to start saying NO to people.
It is a hard reality once you realize how much of your energy has been used up on them all.
I guess our date is off since you giving me this attitude again. Love you Dr.
I have a friend who only text back when he wants to text back. He could ignore me for months. Then when I call him out on it for not being a good friend. He’s like aw is someone being a cry baby. Or he will say I’m just not a social person. He complains at work when other people get raises and says I don’t know how he got the raise. An he talks about the guy who got the raise a lot. Then when I say just work harder. He gets upset and says shut up. He thinks he’s the smartest in the group. He will be little his friends and call us dummies. Or I tell him that you could make your life better by trying and ignoring what other people say. Just be you , he’s like you don’t understand you are stupid. You don’t get what I’m saying because you are low IQ. Now would he be considered a narcissist?
Yes!!!!! Jerk who doesn’t care about you at best!!!!!
@@annstar2793 I figured , he likes staying home. Doesn’t get out much but thinks he’s better than everyone. Doesn’t have to many friends.
Christine Albright
"I developed multiple sclerosis"
"I discovered that I am a generational curse breaker
-narcissist"🙏!...
"THANK YOU"🙏!...
"+"!..."🙏"!...
Thanks for sharing
Needless that was me
Not seen anyone mention it but people very high in narcissistic traits also have auto immune issues. My mother probably has as close to Narcissistic personality disorder as can be but she has both rumatoid and lupus, its in the dna regardless it seems. I think when things arent going so well for them it can cause a stress response that triggers it.
That sounds very likely to me. 👍
Please share with us short cuts to utilizing core emotional independence steps toward healthy happier lives worth living.
Raised by a narcissistic father And the. only way to feel secure. Was to have no needs.
Christine Albright
"Brilliant video"🙏!...
"Thank you"🙏!...
"+"!..."🙏"!..."❤"!...
YOUR BOIK ITS NOT NE HELPED ME TO FOCUS ON FALSE GUILT AND CYCLICAL BAD RELATUINSHIPS BUT IT ALSO HELPED ME TO FOCUS ON WHAT I BROUGHT TO THEM- THE COLL, NEEDLESS GIRL..NO MORE!!!!
Yes, Cool Girl, LOL 😅 (Guilty and Recovering)
Im suffering because of narcissistic mom. I cannot go no contact...gray rock, avoid contact isnot working and i am losing my mind... i need help. Each day is a struggle
It's very horrifying
Social and political status. Look how inappropriate politicians protect the narcissistic person