Leaving my narcissistic husband has saved my life, but caused him to go whole hog danger to me. He will never stop trying to destroy me and end my life because I divorced him. With 4 children under 18, an at-home mom with no child support and no employment, I still filed. My joy and safety are my solace.
He considered my filing for divorce a betrayal to him, although he bankrupted us twice, had us living unsafely in a dump, and was actively gaslighting and hurting me and our 4 children.
I'm proud of you. People think that the abuse stops when you leave. I often feel that it gets worse. They will forever be enraged that you left them and your life is better because of it. I feel like us just breathing infuriates them.
He told everyone we know that I “ broke his heart” ( in spite of his devaluing process) hearing that shocked me and made me feel so terrible for years while he raged on until it finally occurred to me that if I broke anything it wasn’t his heart it was his PRIDE. And that was one of the first steps out of the mental quagmire
Anything done to a narc will be treated by them as exponentially worse than anything they’ve done to you. And nobody can hold a grudge longer than a narc
Are you the Mary that someone was planting seeds of doubt in others' ears? I remember a video, I think, a few months ago. I can relate, and it's one of the things that makes navigating these relationships and dynamics hard.
I was the one who cheated in my relationship and then came out clean and he flipped on me and got physical. I think i cheated because he made me feel so unloved and uncared for that i just needed to feel something. It was wrong, but at least it got me out of that marriage.
@@easygii absolutely. Hopefully the narc never hoovers. And, you truly don't know if the narc cheated. Most do. STILL, you're cheating is a much worse offense (according to the narc).
@Annakneedtunobasis good, because you can't reason with em. They will never ever admit they've done anything wrong. Not today, not tomorrow, not 7 years after you leave them. Never.
I've temporarily betrayed a narcissist to escape the relationship with minimal collateral damage. And no, I don't feel bad at all. It's like feeling bad for defending yourself from an attacker. If the narcissist isn't dealing in good faith, you have the right to protect yourself until you can leave the abuser
Yes! By nature these people are attacking you, truly. Whether it’s directly physical or not. It’s psychological warfare and (I’m speaking directly to myself here) we don’t need to feel guilty for trying to escape and survive.
I tried to end the relationship "normally", and was faced with threats and a mountain of guilt-tripping. In the end I also had to escape in secret, leaving half of my belongings behind. There really is no reasoning with these people!
My ex felt that my leaving him was a form of betrayal. Interestingly, although he said that he didn't want the divorce, I felt in my gut that if I went back, he'd punish me. His upset wasn't about me; it was about him.
Yes, he would have punished you. I ran away from my ex-husband multiple times, but wasn't allowed to divorce him. My family forced me to go back to him every single time. His revenge for my running away was horrible. He punished me every day, and when we had children, he punished them as well to punish me. From the way he punished me, the words he used, it was all about his reputation and how he looked as a man not being able to control his wife, etc. The only way out, was leaving my family as well. That's what I did one day: I took both my children and went to a shelter for women. Your gut was right. I hope you live a happy peaceful life today :)
@@Ksahdia yes. My first narc was all about image, him and his family. We have two grown daughters. They call their stepmother mom. For image sake. They told me as much. They wiped my existence away. It's decades later. My ex father unalived himself at age 85. MIL was a narc. So much for a divorce in the family being the most embarrassing thing.
I know. It's too bad we can't just give them a time out in the corner but it's much more difficult than that. They are blind to themself because they are digging up any crap they can find on you so they can elevate themself(in their mind only). Total idiots 😮
True, see my comment above I just made… this guy thought I betrayed him bc my cat died and I couldn’t meet him. He harassed me for days without a single mention of my cat. Actually he said he hated me and my cats. This is after I sent him videos of me crying hysterically while he refused to believe I wasn’t just standing him up. It’s crazy how crazy they become when they feel threatened. Before that he had been saying come whenever you can and no rush on meeting me. The second I chose my dying cat over him he became an absolute monster. They are freaks of nature. I tried to have sympathy for him but there’s only so much you can do for someone who considers you a villain while you’re grieving.
"The reason these relationships get messier and messier over time is that we're trying to survive within an impossible situation." This is the EXACT story of my life for 20 awful years now.
You don't have to betray them, deliberately at least, they can just see it as a betrayal and they hold that grudge forever, they never forgive, I've been through it first hand. Even a minor slight can trigger it actually, and they'll hold onto it forever, the amount of anger and hate in them is surprising, and yet, they make excuses for their own behaviour and feel justified if they do it to you.
She has already talked about It several times, the real thing here is, what IS success for you? Just talking about the weather and other small things to your partner? Because if that's what you call a successful relationships there you have It, don't engage, don't fight back and never expect anything from them, if you fallow these things you are gonna be fine around them, however dear, that's a very sad Life to live, because you Will never have a healthy relationship with them, they just cannot do It, period 🤷🏾♀️
A narcissist is the kind of friend that will help you hide a dead body. But if you betray a narcissist, just remember they know how to hide a dead body.
My narcissitic sister is at the end of the road on cancer treatments. She lives in another state. We are the two remaining members of my immediate family. I have been extremely supportive during her treatments. I have called to check on her, sent encouraging cards, sent gift cards and goodies. I decided after her second narcissitic rage a few years ago (When she was visiting) that I can never have her under my roof again. I was the scapegoat in the family. My parents died years ago. Their behavior then (and my whole life) sent me into self destructive tail spins when they died. I can see that my sister is trying to hoover me in so that she can stay with me (and take out her anger) during her remaining time. This will not happen. As Dr. R has said "There is no virtue in being an emotional punching bag for another person." I am sure that without Dr. R I would be heading into my third tail spin. I would appreciate any prayers. (PS: I have one friend who I can speak frankly with).
Oh my goodness! You are so courageous. I will be praying for you and, please know, that you have made a difference in my life today, because you have inspired me with your bravery. Amen!
Stay strong. You don’t OWE ANYONE YOUR LIFE. Going on 3 years no contact with my brother. Don’t let your sister “guilt” you into taking care of every aspect of her life, while she verbally abuses you.
Good job 👍. We’ve had to do the same. Never let anyone toxic over your threshold no matter who they are. It’s your duty to pull up the moat bridge to protect your safe haven and peace. You sound like a kind person. If you want my two cents, tighten up those boundaries and walk away if you have to. We had to go complete no contact with the family cult. It wasn’t/isn’t easy but it absolutely was necessary.
When I was friends with my NPD friend , I couldn't understand why she didn't invite me to special events in the family. Now I know she didn't want to share the attention they would give her. And there were a lot of special events I was not invited to attend!!!!
I benefit from all of your content (I found you too late but since finding you I have accessed healing and affirmation that I never knew was possible) but this video is bomb 🥰
I really really really wish this video was longer and I wish it was more in-depth. Honestly in some situations with my most biggest betrayals to a narcissist it actually got me out of the relationship because I got the discard after the person found out and honestly I probably dodged a bullet and it was probably a blessing in disguise and I totally know it doesn’t excuse my betrayals no matter how small or big they are and I take full responsibility and accountability for them and myself it’s definitely not easy doing that.
That’s what I am thinking .. if I share my betrayal that may be my only way to get out. I am hoping he will then finally hate me and leave me. I can’t afford to be the one to leave. I have been holding on to telling him for 3 years. But I am separated just not divorced
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient...
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things.
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white...
Yeah, I had to endure 7 hours of being yelled at and then it has been brought up regularly in the 5-1/2 years since. Just when I think has been put to bed, it gets brought up again to dig at me.
When it happened to my mom she told me she hated me no more needed me and went no contact It took me a few months to believe it was the begining of my freedom
Wow Wow Wow Oh my goodness this is absolutely brilliant thank you so much for this it’s like your literally speaking to my core soul and it’s giving me chills and I’m literally crying right now in a good way. In my past I have betrayed many of my ex’s who in my opinion are narcissists and my betrayals were in many different forms like small mid and big huge betrayals and I am definitely not proud of it at all and I definitely accept responsibility and accountability for my betrayals within myself and I try to give myself grace and forgiveness within myself and I try to do better in my future relationships and it’s definitely not easy at all especially giving myself grace and forgiveness within myself for my betrayals with narcissistic people it’s so difficult and especially when your empathetic its double hard and difficult and I am trying and I try to do better in my future relationships with others. 💜
Dr. R. I am amazed each time I watch your videos. Always 100% correct. I have been on both sides of this situation and you really are correct..thanks 😮
And you better believe the one shitty thing you do will always and forever be brought up every time they do something shitty to excuse their behaviour. It’s such a waste of time trying to “move on.”
Ooh, can’t wait to watch this. 🍿 I’m curious to see how it aligns w/my experience w/a former neighbor & “friend” (who I knew before we moved here), who went scorched-earth on me after she felt I had betrayed her. I sang the Hallelujah Chorus years later when I found out she was moving away from us. 🎉😂
Dr Ramani, Good to understand the Dynamics of how the Narc’s Pain/ Grief goes to Rage immediately. And a person of Empathy has a different process of Full Grief , & Healing with a difference in Trusting going Forward. Every podcast, I am able to recall Personal scenarios! Thanks, kindly for the Insight & Healing! May the Blessings of Eternal Worth Come to you & yours! 🙏🏻🌸☀️🕊🍃
You have helped me a lot to understand, that it wasn't all my fault. I didn't know about Narcissism, but how I have opened my eyes. And Sunday was the last time he laid his hand on me! I did it and I am starting my journey to recovery from narcissistic trauma. Thank you 🙏🏻
This above all, to thine own self be true. The narc demands we betray ourselves for their benefit. Forget that, let them deal with their own mess. Break out and do your own thing.
Just speaking up is a betrayal to them; first step is to learn not to care anymore about their opinion or feelings towards you. I was so damaged by a narc "Christian" mother that i fell for a narc husband but i didn't realize it till i was in my 50s. It too several years to cut off, which also included cutting off the enablers/flying monkeys aka pastors, family and friends. Finally at 60 I'm free and in peace 😂
None. The answer is none. You may be a caring person, but any understanding you give them is GUARANTEED to be weaponized against you as it will only go to validate their ego
Having a good heart is important to me. I don't want the narcissist to rob me of my compassionate nature. So, having empathy for the narcissist resides in my heart and is expressed to my Creator, not to the narcissist. I don't want to seek the narcissist's approval or enable them in any way because I believe it isn't good for either of us.
Went total NC with a malignant narc father and highly enmeshed multigenerational toxic family system who all rose and fell through the world of business. It was sad to watch the flying monkeys and attempts at love bombing. They have no idea what to do, they have no power. They just cry into the ether and receive no response. Sad shit, but it sure is a hell of a lot better than the other option. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you saved my life, almost 3 years NC because of your saving grace.
It’s like the narcissist thinks of any minor pushback or disagreeing with them as this huge betrayal that a mentally fit person would not. They definitely turn on the theatrics and twist words to make them seem like such a victim. However, when they’ve done something incredibly wrong/huge betrayal to the victim, they’ll say the victim is overreacting and it’s “not like that.” It’s always different rules for the narcissist.
This is 💯 my older brother and his wife. They do horrific things to us, yet if we ever do any little innocent thing like have a different opinion that they don’t like they are super vindictive and punish us. They are never held accountable and lie about what they did. I am shamed blamed and scapegoated. It’s messed up. Sadly a lot of my family is blind to and enables them, so I feel alone in it sometimes. They expect me to just hang out with them like nothing happened. I can’t do it anymore. So reaching out to safe supports and keeping my healthy boundaries. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
My spouse, leaving for work a few days ago, says to my daughter and myself 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do'. That hit! That twinkle of mischief in their eyes was something to witness. The look of realization on my face registered. They understand each other, these two are alike and know it. The next day as he leaves he says, 'Be good!'.
You can betray a narc without the I tension or knowledge that you're doing so. I married into a narc family. Apparently there were a lot of unspoken rules regarding social interactions that I wasn't aware of. I was breaking them all of the time and the nex would let me know about it later.
I have betrayed many family members who display NPD traits in the "known" following ways... wearing black socks, breaking too much while driving, and not using the entire tissue when I blow my nose.......... need I say more! I interact with them as little as humanly possible ! Please remember you don't need to explain yourself to anyone!
For optics…That’s key in moving through narcissistic entanglements - it’s all about how they look to others. No matter how much we endure constant betrayal at the hands of the narcissist, no matter how deeply affected WE are or how many years we’ve put up with their betrayal of us, along with all their targeted abuse - ultimately if you reach out for help & THAT PERSON or entity decides to communicate the extent of your hurt to the narcissist - that is the ultimate narcissistic injury to them because if anyone’s s%#^ don’t stink it’s theirs. There’s never an off-ramp to resolving conflict with this personality type because it’s not in their best interest to do so. It would reduce their supply & the entertainment of making us sweat by turning off their show.
I am glad to end my miserable relationship with this insulting, retarted, annoying manipulating narcissistic player. Thank you Dr. Ramani. 💯🙏🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥😎
In my upbringing, I had to walk on eggshells and basically have no opinion to avoid inciting rage in my narcissist mother. She would go off the deep end and resort to drastic threats if I said something she didn't like
I've lost sentimental items: antique/treasured family heirlooms, journals, family photos, jewelry from deceased relatives, broken items - lots- art/jewelry making supplies/tools, clothing. I'm left w/ a nearly emptied closet or oil-stained shirts, jeans, etc., 4-ish pairs of underwear, trying to set a boundary was a VERY BAD IDEA? Having hope and trying again after losing things with insanely sentimental value and importance - even worse. Being human - isn't allowed. Talking to my s/o - in a house with paper thin-(ER) walls/floors than I realized - and her daughter as my landlord. I lose and still losing. They own and manage to sell their narrative. No one comes to you for your story or insight. They don't care. (I rent a room in a "private" home, with "shared" living space). It's all theirs.
Escaping their Epic Rages can be terrifying in the moment but Safety First Always, let them Rage publicly , Let them Expose their True Colors when they fly off the handle in a Self Entitled Rage and Get All the Practical, Financial, Legal, Psychological, Emotional Help and Support Possible withIn Reason WhenEver, WhereEver Possible and NEVER NEVER NEVER let your Guard down !
I strayed after 5 years in an utterly sexless, non physical relationship. The withholding of all physical affection brought me to despair. Not even a kiss. When I confessed my infidelity/betrayal, that's when I saw who he really was. I wish to hear more stories of husbands depriving their wives of physical contact to destroy their confidence. Anyone else go through the same thing?
The first year after our intimate relationship ended was incredibly difficult for me. But over time, I realized that, perhaps unintentionally, he had actually done me a huge favor. My perspective on our relationship became clearer, and I finally saw him for who he truly is. I stopped loving and desiring him. Now, I don’t share personal things anymore; we only have superficial conversations, and I don’t think he’s even noticed. Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t see things clearly sooner. Now, I’m planning my escape.
It’s when they have depleted you as narcissistic supply. They have gotten what they wanted and now you are a convenience, a tool. There is no pleading or repair to this. I waited waaaay too long to leave.
I'm not even married to him and I'm going through the same thing. He constantly is saying, "Do you deserve it?" Or " I would do such and such if you acted right" or " You don't do anything to make me want to fuck you"
I'm not even .married to him and he withholds from me. He says things like, " Do you deserve it?" Or "I would do such and such if you acted right" or " You never do anything that makes me want to fuck you" it's to the point where I feel desperate for anything type of affection from him. That I'll do anything to be deserving in his eyes, even if that means losing my own dignity...
I think it should be added that narcissists see all your mistakes as betrayals. By doing so, they feel that they can hold them over you forever. Ultimately narcissism is about power and control. They feel that they are the infallible master, and you are their slave, forever responsible and wrong.
@ I don’t think any healthy person sees a mistake as a betrayal, because of course it isn’t. A mistake is a mistake, and we all make them. But to a narcissist, the mistake isn’t about normal human error; it’s about them, a personal attack, an affront. I think the key is that you be able to recognize your own mistakes, do your best to make them right, but don’t be surprised when the narcissist act like they are an unforgivable sin that can never be forgiven.
My mother has scapegoated me snd enabled my malignant narcissist sister's abuse of me for my entire life. She choked me twice when I did something that threatened her control of me. But if I tell someone about her abuse, or complain about her behaviour to her in front of others, she is furious because " you're not being loyal to me ".
Simple example of do what I say ,not what I do.... And your treatment will be the same as the rest for a long time. In thier mind thier better than you ,better at anything better then you have done. You start to feel like the life's being drained from your life.. God bless everyone
The level and degree of the "betrayal" and of the narcissism among an array of other factors determines the response. This can go terribly wrong very quickly.
I had a roommate move out without warning, ghosted me for months and eventually asked to move back in. A year later, she began acting the same way she was right before she vanished and I told her she needed to go by the end of the week, when her semester ended. She had a breakdown over being vilified and abandoned.
This video was so useful. I cheated on my ex husband who had been emotionally abusive and verbally abusive foe years. The point I cheated was me trying to escape, just the wrong way. We tried to fix things but he wasnt changing his ways. The hell I've had to endure after choosing to give up on him, along with one of our children makes me feel guilty for leaving. Either way you get the abuse!
Similar situation here ! Years of emotional abuse toward me. I wanted to go to counseling and asked multiple times we could go as a couple . After 15 years of this toxic relationship one final time I asked him to go counseling bc our marriage was doomed. His response: he walked out of the room and ignored me. To me that is when my marriage ended in my mind! Then I had an affair ….. shortly after I admitted it. He was furious . Threatened to take my kids away from me. Then he said let’s go to counseling which brought out more examples of his emotional abuse toward me. A few months later I filed for divorce. The therapist would even tell him he was abusive. He posted stuff all over Facebook!!!!! And he even told my kids in hopes of turning them against me . They were 10,13, and 14 at the time. I feel like it strained my relationship with my kids, but now 8 years later I am very close with my kids. In the past year or so my kids have said to me , “ how did you stay with him for 15 years? How did you tolerate it ?” I agree this video is very helpful. I still struggle with the way I handled things but I feel it was a reaction to his narcissistic abuse . I also grew up with narcissistic father and saw my mom get treated like garbage . I am now with a man who treats me very well and is kind and caring.
My ex used to do exactly what you're explaining 3:30. Her feelings = facts. So when she tried to get me locked up under legitimately a falsehood. She was physically abusive, and her story was such a terrible lie. My testimony vs. hers. She ended up with DV charges, assault, destruction of property + more.
This entire thing has been betrayal after betrayal, and I'm curious to get on the outside of all of it and see who benefited and who didn't. For now, so much is still going undetected, and it's not going to get better like this. It's really sad too because, like you said, you've watched people's lives get ruined and completely torn into shreds because of narcissists.
It's kinda like you took the words from what I've said a few times. There is no point where you can say okay, you did this, and I did that, but can we figure out a way to get whatever needs situated and move forward? It doesn't always mean together, but things need situated so people can move on, and it will never happen. They won't allow it. They don't want compromise. They want power and control, of not just their lives but yours and whoever else's.
Yea my ex was betrayed. By imaginary things he made up about me. Years later im still being accused of crap i didn't do. I almost wish i had betrayed him so i wouldn't feel this injustice
Dr. Ramani, thank you for this wisdom on narcissistic betrayal. Though I have to say that when betrayal is one-sided and one is being taken advantage of by a narcissist continually, that is problematic., Not being respected when you state what your boundaries, this is a problem. A person who betrays someone who is doing them no harm, ought to put themselves in check. For it is not right to be disrespectful and to gaslight or manipulate others.
Beginning to find my joy after getting away from my narcissistic family. There is a new narcissist in my life who I can’t get rid of, who is the epitome of all narcissistic abuse. I refuse to let him steal my joy.
What about the other way around when the narcissists start a new text thread without the normal person😊? Narcissists ganging up to enable each other forward. That’s how it has felt for me as I have discovered myself surrounded by narcissists in different times of my life. They made me question myself and my self worth. I’m not upset I lost their friendships and feel better surrounding myself with folks who actually care about what I think and do and say. Hope y’all are Well Today! InJoy!
'Let's talk about it' is not a frase in the dictionary of the narcissist. And yes, they hold a different standard for themselves than for you. They take everything you say and do, out of context, trying to manufacture a 'new you' to their liking.They will twist the narrative of the story. They will do everything within their power to discredit you. If I only had known 'what' I was dealing with 10 years ago..... Grateful for this channel to inform other victims in the hope they have a better chance to get out as safe as possible. This is something you do not wish upon your worst 'enemy' even when the thought of it, is tempting ;). It won't make a difference but leave you with a heart full of bitternes instead. Healing from the experience is a healthier option in the end. And even your healing might cause another narcissistic injury. Ironically, this might be the only perpetual motion there is, dealing with a narcissist ;). 🙏
Oh very true, there is no "let's talk about it" with narcissistic people. 😢 I recently realized that narcissistic people (and enablers) DO hear us. They hear us just fine. We communicate clearly, and looking back I knew and could tell they heard me just fine. But they don't WANT to hear us. They don't WANT to see us. So they purposefully twist and contort our words and deeds. Lisa Romano likes to say, "Oh this person can't hear me" when she encounters a narc. I like to now say, "Oh this person doesn't WANT to hear me/see me." So yes, there is definitely no "let's talk about it" with someone who purposefully WANTS to hate you for no reason. You cannot reason with unreasonable people. You cannot rationalize irrational behavior. It helps me to remember that not all people treat me that way. Not all of my coworkers treat me like that, only the narcissistic ones. Not every family member treats me like that, only the narcissistic ones. Not every person I encounter treats me like that, only the narcissistic ones. I started replaying all of the pleasant conversations/interactions I have with people, whenever my mind wants to rehash the negative ones. I remind myself, "There is nothing for me to change or say (to the narc)-- because I did not do anything wrong and I will not win that battle. That person's problem is THEIR problem to fix, not mine" and I go back to remembering the positive interactions. It really helps!
Such a good video. I think the reason why I'm in the isolated boat from family that I'm in is because of a "big" unrepairable betrayal from 18 years old in high school. My dad found my yearbook in my bedroom in their house, while I was in college in North Carolina. Clearly, I guess I didn't think it was a big deal because I left the yearbook there. But it had all my friends signing it calling my dad "the fag", (which is what we / I called my dad in senior year of high school) my mom the "fag-ette" because she was married to him. My sister the b-word. Pretty brutal stuff I guess. Not ever proud of it. But my older sis is a narcissist too I think. I was not happy with her treatment of me over the years as a kid who was always suffering in numerous ways. Longer story as to why I was name-calling on my family like that with my new friends in my new high school and why I hated my dad and the family so much. But the point is, my yearbook went missing from my room for maybe a decade or two, as I wanted to get rid of it. I recently had found it in my bedroom maybe during covid or 2020. Immediately threw it in the garbage. Actually, in 2019, I realize, had gone to therapy with my parents, once in my life. I brought up the yearbook. I was wiling to talk about it and hold myself accountable, again. My dad said, he didn't know what I was talking about. End of discussion. I let it go. And then I find my yearbook magically appear in 2020. Nothing was accomplished in therapy, obviously. But I got rid of the yearbook after it re-appeared. Well, that yearbook and betrayal ruined my life I guess. But like Dr Ramani said, it's impossible to not betray at some point. This is just such valuable information for me to have, and to reconsile something for myself. I have felt really terrible about it and had actually genuinely apologized when my dad found it and called me in 2002, I cried on the phone to him when he found it. From right then, I even returned home to live with them, I entered a massive massive 2 year suicidal depression, and 11 years overall depression. But my apology did absolutely nothing. Now, I have no family to speak to safely.
This is so true!!!!! My mom and older brother are like this. This is why I compare them to the demogorgon. R U N Even they have their interpretation of betrayal. That is how I started to "obey" them. It's true, even if they "forgive" the memory of that event came back into the present. I have no contact with my older brother and low contact with my mom
I emotionally cheated on my narcissist. It ended our relationship. Thank the gods, it made me free. And I am so much better for it. There is freedom after a narcissist relationship.
I "betrayed" him when I finaly made that call to police because of physical abusment in front of our child. One year after that call he introdused our child to his new family (wife and newborn baby) after hiding them because of our divorse case on the court. He haven't prepare the child age 5 years for that introdusing on any way and for sure going on with psychical/emotional abusment after telling stories that his mother (myself) stopped loving his father, ruined family and made up all - lied to police... Now he is expecting from us all to behave like everything's fine and normal...showing the picture of devoted husband and father with his new family to our child who is completely confused and happy that he has brother now...
They can betray you, but how dare you betray them.
Their way or the highway! A double standard(and an unreasonable one!)
Leaving my narcissistic husband has saved my life, but caused him to go whole hog danger to me. He will never stop trying to destroy me and end my life because I divorced him. With 4 children under 18, an at-home mom with no child support and no employment, I still filed. My joy and safety are my solace.
He considered my filing for divorce a betrayal to him, although he bankrupted us twice, had us living unsafely in a dump, and was actively gaslighting and hurting me and our 4 children.
I'm proud of you. People think that the abuse stops when you leave. I often feel that it gets worse. They will forever be enraged that you left them and your life is better because of it. I feel like us just breathing infuriates them.
Congrats for getting out
Been there. Stay strong. Something will happen in the narc's life and he/she will have other irons in the fire.
Praying for you. 🙏
I wish I had your courage, as I feel trapped.
He told everyone we know that I “ broke his heart” ( in spite of his devaluing process) hearing that shocked me and made me feel so terrible for years while he raged on until it finally occurred to me that if I broke anything it wasn’t his heart it was his PRIDE. And that was one of the first steps out of the mental quagmire
So true!
Anything done to a narc will be treated by them as exponentially worse than anything they’ve done to you. And nobody can hold a grudge longer than a narc
Are you the Mary that someone was planting seeds of doubt in others' ears? I remember a video, I think, a few months ago. I can relate, and it's one of the things that makes navigating these relationships and dynamics hard.
💯 percent
Even to the point of that word being used 😅 exponentially worse !!!
I didn't cheat in the relationship. He did. But me moving on was a punishable offense.
Same deal with my ex wife. Even now eight years on.
Same! A crime against humanity (him).
I was the one who cheated in my relationship and then came out clean and he flipped on me and got physical. I think i cheated because he made me feel so unloved and uncared for that i just needed to feel something. It was wrong, but at least it got me out of that marriage.
@@easygii absolutely. Hopefully the narc never hoovers. And, you truly don't know if the narc cheated. Most do. STILL, you're cheating is a much worse offense (according to the narc).
And they'll never admit they are in the wrong for their vindictiveness! They justify it all "because you..."
Exactly! I just dealt with someone who was doing exactly that.
@Annakneedtunobasis good, because you can't reason with em. They will never ever admit they've done anything wrong. Not today, not tomorrow, not 7 years after you leave them. Never.
I've temporarily betrayed a narcissist to escape the relationship with minimal collateral damage. And no, I don't feel bad at all. It's like feeling bad for defending yourself from an attacker. If the narcissist isn't dealing in good faith, you have the right to protect yourself until you can leave the abuser
Yes! By nature these people are attacking you, truly. Whether it’s directly physical or not. It’s psychological warfare and (I’m speaking directly to myself here) we don’t need to feel guilty for trying to escape and survive.
I tried to end the relationship "normally", and was faced with threats and a mountain of guilt-tripping. In the end I also had to escape in secret, leaving half of my belongings behind. There really is no reasoning with these people!
@@Mama.bear.EXACTLY!
Absolutely!
How can I ECAPE THE KINDNAPERSS????
if things don't go their way, to them, it's a betrayal no matter what.
Even if it went their way, any little part of it that falls short is against you.
⚠️ toxic cycle ⚠️
1. Plan your escape
2. Maintain your integrity
3. Keep it moving
My ex felt that my leaving him was a form of betrayal. Interestingly, although he said that he didn't want the divorce, I felt in my gut that if I went back, he'd punish me. His upset wasn't about me; it was about him.
💯 percent yes.
Yes, he would have punished you. I ran away from my ex-husband multiple times, but wasn't allowed to divorce him. My family forced me to go back to him every single time. His revenge for my running away was horrible. He punished me every day, and when we had children, he punished them as well to punish me. From the way he punished me, the words he used, it was all about his reputation and how he looked as a man not being able to control his wife, etc. The only way out, was leaving my family as well. That's what I did one day: I took both my children and went to a shelter for women. Your gut was right. I hope you live a happy peaceful life today :)
@@Ksahdia yes. My first narc was all about image, him and his family. We have two grown daughters. They call their stepmother mom. For image sake. They told me as much. They wiped my existence away. It's decades later. My ex father unalived himself at age 85. MIL was a narc. So much for a divorce in the family being the most embarrassing thing.
I like to try to remember that the maturity of the Narcissist is that of a child.
👍
I know. It's too bad we can't just give them a time out in the corner but it's much more difficult than that. They are blind to themself because they are digging up any crap they can find on you so they can elevate themself(in their mind only). Total idiots 😮
Bless your heart ❤.
A nasty child.
You spelled infant wrong lol😂
When it comes to a narcissist everything is betrayal🤷♀️
True, see my comment above I just made… this guy thought I betrayed him bc my cat died and I couldn’t meet him. He harassed me for days without a single mention of my cat. Actually he said he hated me and my cats. This is after I sent him videos of me crying hysterically while he refused to believe I wasn’t just standing him up. It’s crazy how crazy they become when they feel threatened. Before that he had been saying come whenever you can and no rush on meeting me. The second I chose my dying cat over him he became an absolute monster. They are freaks of nature. I tried to have sympathy for him but there’s only so much you can do for someone who considers you a villain while you’re grieving.
@@secooper09That's brutal. Sorry about your cat, hope you're healing
@@en2995 thank you I’ve had a lot of losses so I’m okay but it stings for sure
I honestly dont understand how your situation is any kind of betrayal. Sorry for your loss ❤ @secooper09
If you brush your own damn teeth they are betrayed😂
"The reason these relationships get messier and messier over time is that we're trying to survive within an impossible situation."
This is the EXACT story of my life for 20 awful years now.
You don't have to betray them, deliberately at least, they can just see it as a betrayal and they hold that grudge forever, they never forgive, I've been through it first hand. Even a minor slight can trigger it actually, and they'll hold onto it forever, the amount of anger and hate in them is surprising, and yet, they make excuses for their own behaviour and feel justified if they do it to you.
If eye for an eye, everyone will be blind. 🧐 Just walk away...thanks Doc!
Thank you for this one. This often has made me feel like the narcissist...
"Epic level of victimhood" well said
Dr Ramani please share success stories of survivors and their strategies. It will give a lot of people hope that it CAN be done.
PLEASE!🙏
She has already talked about It several times, the real thing here is, what IS success for you? Just talking about the weather and other small things to your partner? Because if that's what you call a successful relationships there you have It, don't engage, don't fight back and never expect anything from them, if you fallow these things you are gonna be fine around them, however dear, that's a very sad Life to live, because you Will never have a healthy relationship with them, they just cannot do It, period 🤷🏾♀️
@tatianaa.3694 Oh no! Success looks like what Katie Holmes did to escape a Narcissistic cult and the cult leader Tom Cruise.
@@tatianaa.3694she means after the escape, how it is to live without the persen etcetera
A narcissist is the kind of friend that will help you hide a dead body. But if you betray a narcissist, just remember they know how to hide a dead body.
Perfect illustration
If they are helping you, they aren’t doing it to help you. They are doing it to have blackmail on you.
I have now become vindictive towards my narc husband using him for my gain...not proud of it. I just recognize it.
🤣🤣🤣
They will enlist you in hiding a body, and then frame you for the murder.
My narcissitic sister is at the end of the road on cancer treatments. She lives in another state. We are the two remaining members of my immediate family. I have been extremely supportive during her treatments. I have called to check on her, sent encouraging cards, sent gift cards and goodies. I decided after her second narcissitic rage a few years ago (When she was visiting) that I can never have her under my roof again. I was the scapegoat in the family. My parents died years ago. Their behavior then (and my whole life) sent me into self destructive tail spins when they died. I can see that my sister is trying to hoover me in so that she can stay with me (and take out her anger) during her remaining time. This will not happen. As Dr. R has said "There is no virtue in being an emotional punching bag for another person." I am sure that without Dr. R I would be heading into my third tail spin. I would appreciate any prayers. (PS: I have one friend who I can speak frankly with).
Sending you my prayers. Stay strong in your self-advocacy. Ignore all the manipulations. You owe her nothing whatsoever.
I have a similar experience and I support you in standing firm!!
Oh my goodness! You are so courageous. I will be praying for you and, please know, that you have made a difference in my life today, because you have inspired me with your bravery. Amen!
Stay strong. You don’t OWE ANYONE YOUR LIFE. Going on 3 years no contact with my brother. Don’t let your sister “guilt” you into taking care of every aspect of her life, while she verbally abuses you.
Good job 👍. We’ve had to do the same. Never let anyone toxic over your threshold no matter who they are. It’s your duty to pull up the moat bridge to protect your safe haven and peace. You sound like a kind person. If you want my two cents, tighten up those boundaries and walk away if you have to. We had to go complete no contact with the family cult. It wasn’t/isn’t easy but it absolutely was necessary.
When I was friends with my NPD friend , I couldn't understand why she didn't invite me to special events in the family. Now I know she didn't want to share the attention they would give her. And there were a lot of special events I was not invited to attend!!!!
I benefit from all of your content (I found you too late but since finding you I have accessed healing and affirmation that I never knew was possible) but this video is bomb 🥰
Thank you for this. I have beat myself up for years over this.
I really really really wish this video was longer and I wish it was more in-depth. Honestly in some situations with my most biggest betrayals to a narcissist it actually got me out of the relationship because I got the discard after the person found out and honestly I probably dodged a bullet and it was probably a blessing in disguise and I totally know it doesn’t excuse my betrayals no matter how small or big they are and I take full responsibility and accountability for them and myself it’s definitely not easy doing that.
That’s what I am thinking .. if I share my betrayal that may be my only way to get out. I am hoping he will then finally hate me and leave me. I can’t afford to be the one to leave. I have been holding on to telling him for 3 years. But I am separated just not divorced
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing.
My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’.
Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :)
Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
I "betrayed" my narcissistic mother a few times and oooh boy has she made me suffer for it 😬
If you can exit quietly.. do it 🙈
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient...
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things.
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white...
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks..
You wont regret it.
Defenitaly a scam. Please remove
Yeah, I had to endure 7 hours of being yelled at and then it has been brought up regularly in the 5-1/2 years since. Just when I think has been put to bed, it gets brought up again to dig at me.
They become extremely angry and VINDICTIVE!!!!!!!
When it happened to my mom she told me she hated me no more needed me and went no contact It took me a few months to believe it was the begining of my freedom
Regular people feel hurt because of the loss of control. narcissists feel rage because they're not going to accept the loss of control.
They think anything they don’t want or agree with is betrayal.
Wow Wow Wow Oh my goodness this is absolutely brilliant thank you so much for this it’s like your literally speaking to my core soul and it’s giving me chills and I’m literally crying right now in a good way. In my past I have betrayed many of my ex’s who in my opinion are narcissists and my betrayals were in many different forms like small mid and big huge betrayals and I am definitely not proud of it at all and I definitely accept responsibility and accountability for my betrayals within myself and I try to give myself grace and forgiveness within myself and I try to do better in my future relationships and it’s definitely not easy at all especially giving myself grace and forgiveness within myself for my betrayals with narcissistic people it’s so difficult and especially when your empathetic its double hard and difficult and I am trying and I try to do better in my future relationships with others. 💜
Dr. R. I am amazed each time I watch your videos. Always 100% correct. I have been on both sides of this situation and you really are correct..thanks 😮
And you better believe the one shitty thing you do will always and forever be brought up every time they do something shitty to excuse their behaviour. It’s such a waste of time trying to “move on.”
Thank you again Dr Ramani ....for being the voice of reason and mental wellness for us all ❤
Love your vids! I am always checking for new pod episodes. Hope you're doing well Dr Ramani :)
Ooh, can’t wait to watch this. 🍿 I’m curious to see how it aligns w/my experience w/a former neighbor & “friend” (who I knew before we moved here), who went scorched-earth on me after she felt I had betrayed her.
I sang the Hallelujah Chorus years later when I found out she was moving away from us. 🎉😂
Dr Ramani, Good to understand the Dynamics of how the Narc’s Pain/ Grief goes to Rage immediately. And a person of Empathy has a different process of Full Grief , & Healing with a difference in Trusting going Forward.
Every podcast, I am able to recall Personal scenarios!
Thanks, kindly for the Insight & Healing! May the Blessings of Eternal Worth Come to you & yours!
🙏🏻🌸☀️🕊🍃
Thank you, I could never find this online but you describe everything I experienced in betraying a narcissist
I needed this today. Thank you.
Awesome, thank you... Could you do a video on the connection between narcissism and cowardice? Thank you so much!!!👍❤❤❤
You have helped me a lot to understand, that it wasn't all my fault. I didn't know about Narcissism, but how I have opened my eyes. And Sunday was the last time he laid his hand on me! I did it and I am starting my journey to recovery from narcissistic trauma. Thank you 🙏🏻
This above all, to thine own self be true.
The narc demands we betray ourselves for their benefit.
Forget that, let them deal with their own mess. Break out and do your own thing.
Loved the content ❤
They are so mental.😢 They view everything as a betrayal ...its all so very sick and twisted
Having boundaries is a betrayal to a narcissist but go go ahead and have them anyway
Any disagreement with mother was answered with "You Betrayed ME!"
Just speaking up is a betrayal to them; first step is to learn not to care anymore about their opinion or feelings towards you. I was so damaged by a narc "Christian" mother that i fell for a narc husband but i didn't realize it till i was in my 50s. It too several years to cut off, which also included cutting off the enablers/flying monkeys aka pastors, family and friends. Finally at 60 I'm free and in peace 😂
I've been struggling with how much empathy, or leeway, to give the narcissist in my life. I care about them and want to protect myself
None. The answer is none. You may be a caring person, but any understanding you give them is GUARANTEED to be weaponized against you as it will only go to validate their ego
Having a good heart is important to me. I don't want the narcissist to rob me of my compassionate nature. So, having empathy for the narcissist resides in my heart and is expressed to my Creator, not to the narcissist. I don't want to seek the narcissist's approval or enable them in any way because I believe it isn't good for either of us.
Thank you D Ramani
The silent treatment is great coming from my narcissist they think they're hurting me , but they're finally allowing me to be without them peacefully.
Went total NC with a malignant narc father and highly enmeshed multigenerational toxic family system who all rose and fell through the world of business. It was sad to watch the flying monkeys and attempts at love bombing. They have no idea what to do, they have no power. They just cry into the ether and receive no response. Sad shit, but it sure is a hell of a lot better than the other option. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you saved my life, almost 3 years NC because of your saving grace.
It’s like the narcissist thinks of any minor pushback or disagreeing with them as this huge betrayal that a mentally fit person would not. They definitely turn on the theatrics and twist words to make them seem like such a victim. However, when they’ve done something incredibly wrong/huge betrayal to the victim, they’ll say the victim is overreacting and it’s “not like that.” It’s always different rules for the narcissist.
This is 💯 my older brother and his wife. They do horrific things to us, yet if we ever do any little innocent thing like have a different opinion that they don’t like they are super vindictive and punish us. They are never held accountable and lie about what they did. I am shamed blamed and scapegoated. It’s messed up. Sadly a lot of my family is blind to and enables them, so I feel alone in it sometimes. They expect me to just hang out with them like nothing happened. I can’t do it anymore. So reaching out to safe supports and keeping my healthy boundaries. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
My mother in law and her daughter are such narcs they blame me for their high blood pressure.OMG these kinds of people you can't even talk too.
My spouse, leaving for work a few days ago, says to my daughter and myself 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do'. That hit!
That twinkle of mischief in their eyes was something to witness. The look of realization on my face registered. They understand each other, these two are alike and know it.
The next day as he leaves he says, 'Be good!'.
You can betray a narc without the I tension or knowledge that you're doing so.
I married into a narc family. Apparently there were a lot of unspoken rules regarding social interactions that I wasn't aware of. I was breaking them all of the time and the nex would let me know about it later.
Same
I have betrayed many family members who display NPD traits in the "known" following ways... wearing black socks, breaking too much while driving, and not using the entire tissue when I blow my nose.......... need I say more! I interact with them as little as humanly possible ! Please remember you don't need to explain yourself to anyone!
For optics…That’s key in moving through narcissistic entanglements - it’s all about how they look to others.
No matter how much we endure constant betrayal at the hands of the narcissist, no matter how deeply affected WE are or how many years we’ve put up with their betrayal of us, along with all their targeted abuse - ultimately if you reach out for help & THAT PERSON or entity decides to communicate the extent of your hurt to the narcissist - that is the ultimate narcissistic injury to them because if anyone’s s%#^ don’t stink it’s theirs. There’s never an off-ramp to resolving conflict with this personality type because it’s not in their best interest to do so. It would reduce their supply & the entertainment of making us sweat by turning off their show.
I am glad to end my miserable relationship with this insulting, retarted, annoying manipulating narcissistic player. Thank you Dr. Ramani. 💯🙏🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥😎
In my upbringing, I had to walk on eggshells and basically have no opinion to avoid inciting rage in my narcissist mother. She would go off the deep end and resort to drastic threats if I said something she didn't like
Yes a 1000 times. This is my story
I've lost sentimental items: antique/treasured family heirlooms, journals, family photos, jewelry from deceased relatives, broken items - lots- art/jewelry making supplies/tools, clothing. I'm left w/ a nearly emptied closet or oil-stained shirts, jeans, etc., 4-ish pairs of underwear, trying to set a boundary was a VERY BAD IDEA? Having hope and trying again after losing things with insanely sentimental value and importance - even worse. Being human - isn't allowed. Talking to my s/o - in a house with paper thin-(ER) walls/floors than I realized - and her daughter as my landlord. I lose and still losing. They own and manage to sell their narrative. No one comes to you for your story or insight. They don't care. (I rent a room in a "private" home, with "shared" living space). It's all theirs.
Very knowledgeable thank you
Escaping their Epic Rages can be terrifying in the moment but Safety First Always, let them Rage publicly , Let them Expose their True Colors when they fly off the handle in a Self Entitled Rage and Get All the Practical, Financial, Legal, Psychological, Emotional Help and Support Possible withIn Reason WhenEver, WhereEver Possible and NEVER NEVER NEVER let your Guard down !
❤❤❤ I love your content is helping me a lot
It's refreshing to see you in such a good mood.
I strayed after 5 years in an utterly sexless, non physical relationship. The withholding of all physical affection brought me to despair. Not even a kiss. When I confessed my infidelity/betrayal, that's when I saw who he really was. I wish to hear more stories of husbands depriving their wives of physical contact to destroy their confidence. Anyone else go through the same thing?
The first year after our intimate relationship ended was incredibly difficult for me. But over time, I realized that, perhaps unintentionally, he had actually done me a huge favor. My perspective on our relationship became clearer, and I finally saw him for who he truly is. I stopped loving and desiring him. Now, I don’t share personal things anymore; we only have superficial conversations, and I don’t think he’s even noticed. Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t see things clearly sooner. Now, I’m planning my escape.
It’s when they have depleted you as narcissistic supply. They have gotten what they wanted and now you are a convenience, a tool. There is no pleading or repair to this. I waited waaaay too long to leave.
Yes!
I'm not even married to him and I'm going through the same thing. He constantly is saying, "Do you deserve it?" Or " I would do such and such if you acted right" or " You don't do anything to make me want to fuck you"
I'm not even .married to him and he withholds from me. He says things like, " Do you deserve it?" Or "I would do such and such if you acted right" or " You never do anything that makes me want to fuck you" it's to the point where I feel desperate for anything type of affection from him. That I'll do anything to be deserving in his eyes, even if that means losing my own dignity...
i needed to hear this.
Thank you Dr.Ramani ❤️
These videos have helped me gained so much insight thank you so much Dr Ramani
I think it should be added that narcissists see all your mistakes as betrayals. By doing so, they feel that they can hold them over you forever. Ultimately narcissism is about power and control. They feel that they are the infallible master, and you are their slave, forever responsible and wrong.
I experienced this, but I don't understand how a mistake is a betrayal.
@ I don’t think any healthy person sees a mistake as a betrayal, because of course it isn’t. A mistake is a mistake, and we all make them. But to a narcissist, the mistake isn’t about normal human error; it’s about them, a personal attack, an affront.
I think the key is that you be able to recognize your own mistakes, do your best to make them right, but don’t be surprised when the narcissist act like they are an unforgivable sin that can never be forgiven.
Well this video answered all my doubts about what I felt and experienced with this this not very nice man i met last year. Always trust you intuition!
My mother has scapegoated me snd enabled my malignant narcissist sister's abuse of me for my entire life. She choked me twice when I did something that threatened her control of me. But if I tell someone about her abuse, or complain about her behaviour to her in front of others, she is furious because " you're not being loyal to me ".
Simple example of do what I say ,not what I do.... And your treatment will be the same as the rest for a long time. In thier mind thier better than you ,better at anything better then you have done. You start to feel like the life's being drained from your life.. God bless everyone
I chose my future husband over my narcissistic father when pushed in that corner by my father. 🤷
I stayed trauma bonded to my narc father till his death
Narcissists don’t get hurt, they get offended.
The level and degree of the "betrayal" and of the narcissism among an array of other factors determines the response. This can go terribly wrong very quickly.
I had a roommate move out without warning, ghosted me for months and eventually asked to move back in. A year later, she began acting the same way she was right before she vanished and I told her she needed to go by the end of the week, when her semester ended. She had a breakdown over being vilified and abandoned.
This video was so useful. I cheated on my ex husband who had been emotionally abusive and verbally abusive foe years. The point I cheated was me trying to escape, just the wrong way. We tried to fix things but he wasnt changing his ways. The hell I've had to endure after choosing to give up on him, along with one of our children makes me feel guilty for leaving. Either way you get the abuse!
Similar situation here ! Years of emotional abuse toward me. I wanted to go to counseling and asked multiple times we could go as a couple . After 15 years of this toxic relationship one final time I asked him to go counseling bc our marriage was doomed. His response: he walked out of the room and ignored me. To me that is when my marriage ended in my mind! Then I had an affair ….. shortly after I admitted it. He was furious . Threatened to take my kids away from me. Then he said let’s go to counseling which brought out more examples of his emotional abuse toward me. A few months later I filed for divorce. The therapist would even tell him he was abusive. He posted stuff all over Facebook!!!!! And he even told my kids in hopes of turning them against me . They were 10,13, and 14 at the time. I feel like it strained my relationship with my kids, but now 8 years later I am very close with my kids. In the past year or so my kids have said to me , “ how did you stay with him for 15 years? How did you tolerate it ?” I agree this video is very helpful. I still struggle with the way I handled things but I feel it was a reaction to his narcissistic abuse . I also grew up with narcissistic father and saw my mom get treated like garbage . I am now with a man who treats me very well and is kind and caring.
My ex used to do exactly what you're explaining 3:30.
Her feelings = facts. So when she tried to get me locked up under legitimately a falsehood. She was physically abusive, and her story was such a terrible lie. My testimony vs. hers.
She ended up with DV charges, assault, destruction of property + more.
This entire thing has been betrayal after betrayal, and I'm curious to get on the outside of all of it and see who benefited and who didn't. For now, so much is still going undetected, and it's not going to get better like this. It's really sad too because, like you said, you've watched people's lives get ruined and completely torn into shreds because of narcissists.
It's kinda like you took the words from what I've said a few times. There is no point where you can say okay, you did this, and I did that, but can we figure out a way to get whatever needs situated and move forward? It doesn't always mean together, but things need situated so people can move on, and it will never happen. They won't allow it.
They don't want compromise. They want power and control, of not just their lives but yours and whoever else's.
Bless your heart ❤.
I appreciate your message. Its a eye opener
Yea my ex was betrayed. By imaginary things he made up about me. Years later im still being accused of crap i didn't do. I almost wish i had betrayed him so i wouldn't feel this injustice
Dr. Ramani, thank you for this wisdom on narcissistic betrayal. Though I have to say that when betrayal is one-sided and one is being taken advantage of by a narcissist continually, that is problematic., Not being respected when you state what your boundaries, this is a problem. A person who betrays someone who is doing them no harm, ought to put themselves in check. For it is not right to be disrespectful and to gaslight or manipulate others.
Beginning to find my joy after getting away from my narcissistic family. There is a new narcissist in my life who I can’t get rid of, who is the epitome of all narcissistic abuse. I refuse to let him steal my joy.
Can you make another video on how to deal with the self blame
My husband said that me finally leaving and divorcing him was the ultimate betrayal because i was breaking our wedding vows
What about the other way around when the narcissists start a new text thread without the normal person😊? Narcissists ganging up to enable each other forward. That’s how it has felt for me as I have discovered myself surrounded by narcissists in different times of my life. They made me question myself and my self worth. I’m not upset I lost their friendships and feel better surrounding myself with folks who actually care about what I think and do and say. Hope y’all are Well Today! InJoy!
'Let's talk about it' is not a frase in the dictionary of the narcissist. And yes, they hold a different standard for themselves than for you. They take everything you say and do, out of context, trying to manufacture a 'new you' to their liking.They will twist the narrative of the story. They will do everything within their power to discredit you. If I only had known 'what' I was dealing with 10 years ago..... Grateful for this channel to inform other victims in the hope they have a better chance to get out as safe as possible. This is something you do not wish upon your worst 'enemy' even when the thought of it, is tempting ;). It won't make a difference but leave you with a heart full of bitternes instead. Healing from the experience is a healthier option in the end. And even your healing might cause another narcissistic injury. Ironically, this might be the only perpetual motion there is, dealing with a narcissist ;). 🙏
Oh very true, there is no "let's talk about it" with narcissistic people. 😢
I recently realized that narcissistic people (and enablers) DO hear us. They hear us just fine. We communicate clearly, and looking back I knew and could tell they heard me just fine.
But they don't WANT to hear us. They don't WANT to see us. So they purposefully twist and contort our words and deeds.
Lisa Romano likes to say, "Oh this person can't hear me" when she encounters a narc. I like to now say, "Oh this person doesn't WANT to hear me/see me."
So yes, there is definitely no "let's talk about it" with someone who purposefully WANTS to hate you for no reason. You cannot reason with unreasonable people. You cannot rationalize irrational behavior.
It helps me to remember that not all people treat me that way. Not all of my coworkers treat me like that, only the narcissistic ones. Not every family member treats me like that, only the narcissistic ones. Not every person I encounter treats me like that, only the narcissistic ones.
I started replaying all of the pleasant conversations/interactions I have with people, whenever my mind wants to rehash the negative ones. I remind myself, "There is nothing for me to change or say (to the narc)-- because I did not do anything wrong and I will not win that battle. That person's problem is THEIR problem to fix, not mine" and I go back to remembering the positive interactions.
It really helps!
Such a good video. I think the reason why I'm in the isolated boat from family that I'm in is because of a "big" unrepairable betrayal from 18 years old in high school. My dad found my yearbook in my bedroom in their house, while I was in college in North Carolina. Clearly, I guess I didn't think it was a big deal because I left the yearbook there. But it had all my friends signing it calling my dad "the fag", (which is what we / I called my dad in senior year of high school) my mom the "fag-ette" because she was married to him. My sister the b-word. Pretty brutal stuff I guess. Not ever proud of it. But my older sis is a narcissist too I think. I was not happy with her treatment of me over the years as a kid who was always suffering in numerous ways. Longer story as to why I was name-calling on my family like that with my new friends in my new high school and why I hated my dad and the family so much. But the point is, my yearbook went missing from my room for maybe a decade or two, as I wanted to get rid of it. I recently had found it in my bedroom maybe during covid or 2020. Immediately threw it in the garbage. Actually, in 2019, I realize, had gone to therapy with my parents, once in my life. I brought up the yearbook. I was wiling to talk about it and hold myself accountable, again. My dad said, he didn't know what I was talking about. End of discussion. I let it go. And then I find my yearbook magically appear in 2020. Nothing was accomplished in therapy, obviously. But I got rid of the yearbook after it re-appeared. Well, that yearbook and betrayal ruined my life I guess. But like Dr Ramani said, it's impossible to not betray at some point. This is just such valuable information for me to have, and to reconsile something for myself. I have felt really terrible about it and had actually genuinely apologized when my dad found it and called me in 2002, I cried on the phone to him when he found it. From right then, I even returned home to live with them, I entered a massive massive 2 year suicidal depression, and 11 years overall depression. But my apology did absolutely nothing. Now, I have no family to speak to safely.
This is so true!!!!! My mom and older brother are like this. This is why I compare them to the demogorgon. R U N
Even they have their interpretation of betrayal. That is how I started to "obey" them. It's true, even if they "forgive" the memory of that event came back into the present. I have no contact with my older brother and low contact with my mom
I emotionally cheated on my narcissist. It ended our relationship. Thank the gods, it made me free. And I am so much better for it. There is freedom after a narcissist relationship.
👏yeah, cheating! 👏
In my very limited experience, to narcissists, almost everything is a betrayal. The truth is, nobody owes them anything. 🤷🏽♂️
I "betrayed" him when I finaly made that call to police because of physical abusment in front of our child. One year after that call he introdused our child to his new family (wife and newborn baby) after hiding them because of our divorse case on the court. He haven't prepare the child age 5 years for that introdusing on any way and for sure going on with psychical/emotional abusment after telling stories that his mother (myself) stopped loving his father, ruined family and made up all - lied to police...
Now he is expecting from us all to behave like everything's fine and normal...showing the picture of devoted husband and father with his new family to our child who is completely confused and happy that he has brother now...
This is what happened to me, a perceived betrayal, and a reverse guilt card, victim mentality
Right! you’re supposed to be loyal to them till the end