Narcissistic Ignorance Has Muscle
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2021
- Being self-deluded, narcissists are not known for an enlightened approach toward relationships. Dr. Les Carter highlights how they operate with a basic ignorance of relationship skills, even as they claim to be the standard bearer for correctness. What is worse, when challenged, they double down on their misguided ideas, flexing as much psychological muscle as they can muster. Your task is to stay out of the potential battle for power.
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I never understood why my narc would always show me songs or books or things I'd never heard of, but when I showed him something he didn't know about he never really seemed interested. It was so one sided.
Look at the content, not the books, it's all about the content..
What was it...
NARCS love to watch fked up shh...
Towards the end of my marriage to a covert narcissist I said to him, ”I’m tapping out.” I felt like a boxer who’d gone one too many rounds in the ring with a cruel opponent. He looked at me speechless and for the first time I felt powerful. This power only came from one place and that was from Dr Carter’s insight and advice. Knowledge about npd is power.
I'm tapping out ; he was speechless, bravo!
💯 👏You exactly described my marriage with a covert malignant narcissist. It was not marriage, it was like boxing match with him and his cruel family and I did the same thing as you did👍
I have discovered, once you get to the point of having to take a stand with these people, whether they be overt, covert, etc., you see how shallow these relationships had been all along.
If you are a deep loyal person the shallowness is unbelievable to you. You just think everyone is like you and find ‘they’
are even lacking in basic humanity
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It's amazing how a brilliant, highly educated person who's a narcissist repeatedly demonstrates the need to repeat kindergarten -- how to share and play well with others.
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They insult and degrade people who are not as wicked as them. To a narcissist, a person who is unlike them is prey. Be aware of the red flags and trust yourself. They will punish you your entire life for things you don't even realize was a problem to them in the past! Just an excuse to be cruel and to justify their hate.
Wow. Profound. . As a sensitive person they want to annihilate me upon first meeting me. I seem to attractive quite a few people with NPD. I wondered what was going through their head.
My God YES!!!!
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My daughter said she knew everything about me. One day, I asked her, "Do I have a job?". She had no idea. We live 5 minutes from each other and saw each other about once a week. She just doesn't care enough to ask about me, how I'm doing, or what I do with my time.
when they say nasty things about one person with an audience, and then say, "I have no filter" disgusting!!!! they put on a show and they need to humiliate others to make themselves feel good. GROSS!!!!!!!!
"He's the world's dumbest smart guy" - Fantastic Four
Experience has taught me that a narcissist who has built a reputation of having intellectual knowledge is also cunning enough to know that they can use this to their advantage. They know that it is more difficult for their victims to convince those on the outside that they are dangerously flawed.
I dealt with one of those. He had a reputation of being so intellectual and almost holy and god like (he was a therapist). It was like a cult, everyone put him on a pedestal and kissed his ass and I just couldn’t believe how these people were so stupid to not notice that he was an evil psuchopath with no morals nor ANY emotional intelligence. He was very clever at manipulating his victims, but he couldn’t really sustain an educated argument against me, he started using gaslight and other techniques to weaken me until I broke and he “won”. Not because he was smart, but because he was focused on harming me instead of actually talking abiut the topic of discussion.
So my question is…what if I want to play them at their own game? I believe when you stop being a victim, you can win. However, everything I have learned is to shut them out. What do you do, suck it up?
@@ging-a-roo2429 if I may, and after long consideration of the words of Doc C, one gentle try at a time, I've asked my narc with genuine care, about being late . Oh man, after a long winded exasperated and desperate accusatory defense, I lowered my countenance and asked if she considered how I felt by her choice. Just to know I said, I'm not angry, only curious. I thanked her for her response. I didn't argue or respond to her backlash. And I did not deliver accountability. Only thanks. I think it worked because I heard a release of tension in her voice.. And I know not to be late on her time.
@@claudiacastillo5898 Universities and the media are full of this. It is incredible isn’t it? Amazing people fawn over them and their BS
@@claudiacastillo5898 me too Claudia.
Indeed I had an undicriptable and unbelivable damage set upon me by a... femal psychologist. Indeed. Psychopat and Covert Narc that firmly needed, I mean - needed to ruin my life.
After a Spanish University in last 15 years, well... even that can happen.
Incredible and unbelivable soul rape.
Also a rape of human values, and western civilization,.
And no, I will not tell what happen. Just know that it was Covert Narc, so a lot of betrayal, playing victim, plotting, mischiving, happened and.... simply unbelivable for a western mind, unbelivable, unbelivable.
And aloooot of confusing, and confusion and overall an absolute rape and abuse of my confidence in her,
And all, I mean all made by treason and plotting. A family psychologist from a damn university (not a bad one)...
I think the full degree of their ignorance shows up when they tell you they are right about something they are clearly clueless about and have never attempted to educate themselves on. They do this when they are threatened by your intelligence.
Ignorance, stubbornness, and lack of emotional understanding, blaming, patronising, smothering, and more signs of that kind of people. There is a saying I heard somewhere: “Ignorance can be cured if you are curious and humble enough to learn from others, but stupidity lasts forever” and that’s how a smart or intelligent person becomes stupid.
What’s so confusing about intelligent narcissism is when they learn self-help jargon and implement it.
For example, someone I looked up to in the mental health field champions healthy communication and setting boundaries. Recently, she received a cyberbully comment on her social media, so she screenshot the bully’s name and posted it to her 60,000+ followers and made body-shaming comments about him publicly. I privately told her that regardless of his actions, it’s not appropriate to make fun of men’s bodies and that giving his personal name to her audience incites more harm because now anyone can rally behind her and send him threats.
She told me that this was “the best decision for (her) emotional health” and that me speaking on this is not respectful to her or her business, and “my decision is not up for debate.”
But the thing is, it IS up for debate because she sent me his name and insults about him and invited her audience to reply. I felt like she just didn’t want to hear someone hold her accountable for bullying the bully in return.
Boundaries are essential in life, and, saying “respect me!” and refusing to communicate when someone tells her that her actions have potential for real harm feels like not a boundary at all but rather shutting out anyone who questions her authority. I think that when someone is openly making fun of and belittling others, that demanding me (or anyone) to just take it without question and that speaking up “disrespects” her is just not kind.
It sucked to see her act this way because I’ve looked up to her teachings for a long time, only to discover that she is unwilling to take feedback herself. I wonder if that she’s so popular online has made her feel like she’s “right” even when she’s not, because she has a bigger audience who looks up to her like I did.
I think this was an important life lesson that sometimes people who have genuinely thoughtful, valuable teachings to offer, who have positively changed your life, can also be the same people who behave in disappointing and unprofessional ways with unwillingness to receive feedback.
@ hello-beautiful-stars: Wow, that was really disturbing. So this person now has "followers" - but is so mighty now that she can't self-reflect? So, she posted his name & shamed him, yet she has a devious plan to keep her own hands clean - while practically urging her followers to go after him. That's sick behavior on her part. I hope you don't "follow" such an unbalanced person any more. That had to be upsetting for you to discover her Mean Girl side.
The person in my life would always say “you don’t need to justify yourself” whenever I’d explain why I was doing something they didn’t agree with or understand.
It wasn’t justification…I’d just be sharing my perspective…which they never seemed to want.
Spot on! Everything you said is absolutely true of my husband, which is why I had to leave him. He is highly intelligent, with a great, witty sense of humor (mostly with people other than me), but sadly he is emotionally disconnected, disregulated & immature. Having any discussion where there was a difference of opinion, need or want was totally and completely impossible. Even in counseling he never understood or even try to understand anything outside of himself.
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I recently retired from government work. For 42 yrs I have witnessed stupidity play out. When they make stupid decisions I have never seen such unending excuses...and they pull them out one after the other like lightning. Then they all join in the cover up game. It is just what they do. Every manager I have ever had has been just this way. I am soooo very glad I made it....AWAY from them. I was the "work horse" and they succeeded in killing me off....but they will just find another. They always do. They think they do not have to work. Must be nice. When you are the workhorse you are not valued, you are just used and dumped on and ridiculed behind your back. You know that you know what you are doing....they are the ones who do not know; but they gas light you and try to make you doubt yourself about what it is they have assigned you to do. It is exhausting dealing with the flying monkeys too....who are sent daily to drop just a little more poison on you....now, here take your medicine...poison. Very sick and toxic workplaces. But I decided not to internalize their poison. I did my job by the book...which they also laughed at and mocked, so they had nothing they could ever get me on. They had nothing to hold over my head....and then they used that very thing to mock me with....oh she's miss perfect. So the push pull game was in constant action. I grew in my jobs in spite of them over the years. I retired when I wanted to in spite of them. I guess you could say I learned under fire...but I did learn and I did make it to retirement. I now call my home where I live Free Bird! I am no contact with those who I worked for in effort to not be used for narcissistic supply any more.
They expect you to live up to some ridiculous standards that they themselves don't even live up to but in their case they get to lie, deceive, manipulate, and dance around their failures of their standards, you on the other hand won't be told about any of this even if you ask them what they want from you, somehow you are supposed to be a mind reader and you will be punished severely for these alleged crimes and violations often for stupid, petty, and dumb things like forgetting to get the mail, it's really convenient for them of course but it's not so good for you!
Unfortunately you are spot on. Ugh. Dr. C
My ex-father-in-law, a huge narcissistic, was particularly good at faking education often with bombastic meaningless sentences, making people think he was genius. Turns out he was ignorant in all fields but emotional manipulation.
Best title ever, they are like mules and donkeys. Zero emotional intelligence, zero love, zero understanding. A big callous in their mind frame.
You disrespect mules and donkeys ... Mules and donkey are intelligent compassionate creatures
@@faisalzia2205 you right my bad.
Insult to the mules and donkeys .
@@pattyh1039 you right,my bad I'm sorry. Nothing you can compare to narcs, the worst 🤮🤮🤮
This is an exact description of a family member. One trait of him is his selective hearing or listening. It is EXTREME!
I told him about it. He didn't like it.
Has anyone else experienced this super selective hearing of the narcissist?❓
Yes yes! Every day.
@@victoriousjoy9338 I like where he says they are simultaneously smart and stupid at almost the same time.
To me that means they are responsible for their behavior.
@@williamdillard8330 Yes. And it takes awhile to really realize it.
I call it "cherry picking". They will selectively discount anything that does not support their own ideas or conclusions.
I call it optional amnesia based off convenience.
When you're interacting with these individuals, each word said to them usually “evokes a negative reaction & taken out of context”, disrupting the entire “conversation”‼️ The dread of simply conversing with them creates unimaginable stress & anxiety (even though you're not by nature an anxious person.
Exactly!
Nice summary, ....taught to my preteens .... heartless .
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'Lack knowledge and awareness.' Knowledge of who they are dealing with because they showed no interest (they assume that we have no added value). No awareness that other people are always learning improving and willing to let go of bad ways. Also others are willing to forgive, how often did your toxic partner, parent, loved one let go of your past indiscretions even after you had learned from that event/choices and moved on.
Narcisists chose to remain ignorant because it is easier than confronting their fears. They can be smart in one way but ignorant when it comes to building and maintaining relationships. Narcisists would rather reject and destroy you than be vulnerable honest and willing to love you. Sad to the point of tragic.
Narcs are on a different wavelength void of basic understanding and humanity. They can't be fixed.
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We could substitute stubbornness/ignorance for an insistence narcissists have on imposing assumptions-never based on any seemingly thread of reality. We all make mistakes with assumptions-sometimes false assumptions , but Narcissists win the Olympic gold medal for this..
So true! Dr. C
And acting. They deserve academy awards
"I don't feel well,I'm scared of the CT I just can't deal with you this morning"
There you go! First thing in the morning you try to start a fight!
Why is it that you’re never good enough for them when you’re doing your best for everything and doing everything for them?
I have an ex friend that I served in the military with. We lost a mutual
friend to alcoholism. We used to have three way conversations on the
phone for hours, but he would be picking on me or him, mostly, and trying to get the other on his side. After the
one friend died, I couldn't talk to him anymore. I had broke contact with him before, but talked again when his Dad died. He knows this time is for good, and is gaslighting me to our friend's family, what's left of it, his Dad and brother. They are too ignorant to know what he is, and have stopped talking to me. I have never had a large group of friends, just a few close ones. I know I am empathic, because of how I feel other's emotions like my own. I am different though, in that I will stand up to him, or anyone who tries that on me. I have met some of his other friends, who are, as you say, flying monkeys. They have no backbone. Our mutual friend, that I really miss, was that way....would giggle and act like his little cheerleader. I don't really have any other male friends now. I am stationed in Chicago, and no one shares my Southern values....nothing in common. I guess I'm better off lonely, than to suffer the daily emotional drain.
I really hope u can find new friends there and enjoy each other's company.
Yes I gave up on friendship because all I do is traction narcissist no I want to do is use your sometimes you’re better off to even get a dog there the best
Dr. Joe Dispenza ... In the present moments we have power to create from the unknown ... leaving the known & all the predictability is a must. So your half way there. Sit in the now give thanks for anything you can your feet the birds at the park the stars in the sky, an ability to walk 🚶♂️ ✨ meditate. Ki da want to see dr. Les C. & Dispenza get together , the work would be out of this 🌎
hi - i gave up on friendship recently --- I know it's strange to be friendless by choice, but at least this keeps complications out of our lives.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It feels lonely when we are not connected to people with similar values and interests. Please go out more often, have fun and meet new people. Hopefully you will make new friends and build amazing relationships. Also consider having a relationship with Jesus Christ. Are you aware that Jesus loves you very much and deeply cares about you and you need Him? Please consider inviting Jesus into your life as your Lord and personal Savior ❤️♥️
When you realise the narcissist you’ve been duped by works in public office that’s scary
Omg. Yes it is.
I know personally - a psychologist, a lawyer (actually a Spanish lawyer affiliated in religious congregation - an actual Inquisitorial maniac in XXI - protected by his gremium/colective, psychophats are ALways protected and respected in this country ), an man-nurse, - all absolute psychopaths.
Of course 99-95% are not but...
It is better to Never trust Completely to anyone.
Ignorance is stubbornness!!having the self awareness is the final solution telling them that:we are done!!!,no more manipulation,abuse devaluation, intimidation!!!🙏🙏🌞
They are so adamant that it is easy to get caught up - and either fall in line with their program or get in a debate. Either way, it turns out bad. Speaking from experience.
What they don't want you to know is that there's an option C; which is this channel is about. Inner peace is a gift ☺️
@@jaimebibelot4398 true
@Sage lol 😂 I finally figured out why narchubby always said and says “Get with the program” when I was trying to say what I thought. 😳 and boy is he always right NOT 🫂💕
No madder what you do it ends badly
I had a friend like that. One night I just said "good night" and hung up the phone while he was in the middle of his diatribe.
I dated a narcissist who was brilliantly creative, which fed into ways to torment people. I've listened to stories of narcissists, and it's a rare one who tops that guy (including the ones I grew up with). BUT - all equally ignorant and stubborn.
Why does all of this happen to me on a daily basis?! They don't have to learn E.I. I must conform to their ignorance.
My aunt contacted me via Facebook around my mom's birthday to tell me I need to be there for my mom on her birthday. In the same sentence my aunt said, " your mom and I aren't talking to each other right now. But your mom is lonely and needs you."
My aunt messaged me to remind me of my narcissistic mother's birthday just a few weeks after my own birthday that she didn't even acknowledge.
So while my narcissistic family all stonewall each other they contact me to make me feel guilty.
She played flying monkey so well I'd almost think she was the witch herself. I'm learning one by one that my entire family may be very ill.
Autistics like myself can come across this way when we actually miss simple things but are fine with the complex
Narcissists run an excellent racket, but they can’t reflect and can’t ever be an authentic person with others. Smart enough to manipulate, but otherwise are pretty sad.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW REMAINING IGNORANT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HURT AND FEARS? I NEED TO KEEP WATCHING LES BECAUSE I FORGET SO EASILY AND AM IN DANGER OF LETTING THIS IGNORANT PERSON BACK INTO MY LIFE!
Lack of insight is an understandment. I have come to terms in 2023.
They complain about what they hate and think any action is directed solely at them but you....🦗🎶🦗🎶
I'm done works, I found it helpful to address myself, such as, I'm starting to have more respect for my feelings, I will no longer be put down by others, i affirm that I no longer want to live my life in ridicule....keeping the focus on myself made it more possible to motivate my actions needed to get away from the narcissist.
They don't want to know...because they don't care.
Unsatisfying for sure. I'm glad I need to learn.
Anger, negativity, and unwillingness to learn and changege is their own downfall. That are to be pitied and distanced.
I know a lot of people don't like to say or believe this, but this type of attitude and way of being follows a pattern of wickedness and evil. Willful ignorance. This type of attitude precludes a relationship with God, who ultimately works with us by giving us insight and understanding. We have to be able to self-reflect and be humble to have a relationship with God. (And to make healthy connections with people).
I agree
I agree totally
God's Word always has the answers. The example Jesus taught was that He was humble first! Great post!
It is evil and extremely contradictory to being a Christian..or claiming to be one. I wish someone would tell my mother because she would never tolerate it coming from me.
@@dawngroff5681 Sounds like she forgot the "love" part of Christianity.
A lawyer friend once put it to me this way when I was being manipulated by a dishonest architect.
"I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you."
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So true! Smart (intelligent) doesn't mean the person wants to know or understand anything about anyone. It doesn't mean they won't be a deliberately & stubbornly uninformed person. They're too good to bother opening up and understanding someone else's view.
The narcissist will never admit they have faults. It's all the sane people
that's off their rocker.
My dad keep telling me I was the common denominator.
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My husband has told me several times that he knows everything. Consequently he doesn't ask questions. When we first got married he said he thought we were together so he could teach me. I laughed. Then realized he was serious. Uh oh. Red flag!
If it wasn't so serious, it would be funny. Nex told me he never did anything wrong so he never had to say sorry....I thought he was joking...He wasn't 😢😢😢
I hear you Mary.
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I've experienced this is a free thinking black woman living in NYC. I'm surrounded by people that are the Smartest "dumbest" people in the room. They can't stand that I think for myself, have my own ideas, don't conform to what they want me to be as a black woman. They try to dismiss and invalidate me. There is no conversation, no discussion, no willingness to talk. I'm patient, kind and am talked over, talked down to. It's now ramped up to level 1000 because I'm exercising body freedom. They are now going to full blown hatred that I won't submit to their narcissistic tyranny. It's scary. I grew up raised by narcissist and now to see so many people behaving in that way is disheartening.
I wish I could say this isn't true, but it is. Stay strong! Dr. C
My mother was a narcissist and she never learnt from her mistakes. Thanks to your video, I now understand why? She was ignorant. You have clearly explained the connection with those two words “ ignorance” and “ ignore” which I did not understand until after your video, thank you so much 🙏🏾
I like knowing the deeper origins of words, and it dawned on me that the two words had the same Latin root. That's where I came up with the idea. Dr. C
They are masters at playing stupid to get what they want. I haven't found too much smart.
It's amazing how they always seem to have secret knowledge or the "inside scoop" on everything but when it comes to responsibilty or something they should be doing, they all of a sudden become dumb.
I think a narcissists knows who you are really well, they know what is going to hurt you deeply and they then make an effort to do it as often as they can to really hurt you. There is a difference between not knowing and not respecting and valuing you. It is the latter which they intentionally choose not to do.
I was around my narcissistic parents last week for my daughters wedding. I’ve been no contact for four years. We didn’t speak, but I was happy enjoying the moment. Both are angry, disgusted, selfish, and yes, extremely ignorant. Narcissism is so obvious to me now. These videos have really helped and helped me navigate last week in a healthy and happy way 😎
The show must go on.... exact fear I've struggled with ; my sons wedding & those invites.
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In my experience it is different.
They are only very clever to manipulate, put on a mask and sometimes business skills. But intellectually they are inferior, yet they claim that they have superior knowledge than everyone in the room. They always want to be perceived as “experts” even if they don’t know anything about the topic. And they act with conviction which makes its harder to see that they actually are very ignorant.
The one I know has no social skills at all !! He say the stupidest horrible things to people.
They have to learn facts and parade these as knowledge but they are unable to process these into anything worthwhile
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Knowledge is power
After fifty years with my narcissist mother, when I said to her that I don't want any gifts from her, please stop buying me useless things, I am a minimalist, she replies with, "well I didn't know"
That's ignorance. I've told her almost fifty years, I DON'T WANT STUFF.
THAT'S ignorance!
(Ps, she'd only buy me things to have bragging rights that she bought this for me. She did this with everyone. Never bought people things they'd actually enjoy, only things she could take credit for)
She would do it anyway because you asked her not to . To don’t tell her what to do !! My mother is the same way than acts the victim because you didn’t want the stuff . My mother sells things I buy for her or return it and Criticize you for buying it like why would you think I would want this
I used to have a "friend" who'd ask me repeatedly, every time we'd get together what my work hours were, and one night I thought enough of this. I said to her I've been telling you what my hours are for two years now. She was not please, but her partner snickered. Ha!
But, seriously, if she really gave a damn what my hours were she'd try to remember. It's really not that hard. Otherwise, don't waste my precious time and try my patience.
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Smart in some areas. Ignorant because they have a brain disorder, something definitely missing. Hope to see this recognized someday so everyone understands this dynamic. It would certainly help people understand and avoid alot of hurt and deception. Hugs Dr. C. ❤
It’s not a brain disorder it’s a personality disorder , there is nothing wrong with their brain
@@caitlindavies1278 There are some theorists that disagree with you. Some have problems with their pituitary, amygdala, etc.
Recognize, I hope before I died a law of the hidden abuse that punished this individuals, the only way to understand the hurt and the deceive, the mental and emotional abuse they cause is coexisting with this ice blocks.
@@caitlindavies1278 It is a personality disorder, but their behaviors actually can rewire their brain connections.
@@caitlindavies1278 There have been several studies-including one in Berlin with 34 subjects-half had been diagnosed with a NPD. The findings showed, among other things, the narcissists white matter was abnormal, and the thinking and reasoning parts of their brains had abnormalities as well. All these structures are involved in the processing and generation of compassion for others. Until I read those studies I assumed genetics and environment were the only contributing factors.
One best practice for dealing with this type of person is to keep sensitive information away from them the same way you keep gasoline away from fire. It’s frequently easier to play on their delusions instead of trying to correct their misinformation. Adult children of narcissists will sometimes display this type of behavior, it is quite common for ACONs to have narcissistic traits such as projection and dissociation without being full blown narcs. Again you have to be really careful with the information you provide to them, you don’t want to give them anything solidly based on facts and evidence that they can turn around and use against you.
So true. Dr. C
Or as I learned never let them know what is precious to you. Your car, your computer, whatever it is ... it will end up broken.
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I am done with this insanity. It is mind bending. Thank you dr Carter ❤God bless you❤
He already thinks he knows me ,
Thanks, Doc !! I hope you know how very special you are. You are helping unnumbered amounts of people here on your channel.❣️
Thanks so much, Margie. This is a rewarding effort for me, and the gratitude you express is greatly appreciated. Dr. C
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"YOU'RE ALWAYS AGAINST ME!
Lololol......I hear it all the time
Yes Dr Carter. I learned thru you.
Being "done" has saved myself.
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They truly believe they are right about EVERYTHING- even things where common sense shows they are wrong. Narcs are the biggest know-it-alls on the planet. You cannot tell or teach them anything.
My ex accused me of starting arguments whenever I dared to disagree with him about anything or object to the way he treated me. I could make a single comment, and he would escalate it into a huge problem and blame it on me. He often told me that I liked to fight- which was totally ridiculous. No one likes dealing with a narc's paranoia and immaturity.
One of the things that frustrates me about narcissists is their lack of communication skills. My adult son shows serious signs of NPD and I'm thinking about getting some mental health treatment. For example, my son has a child from a previous relationship. Mom is low contact with dad because he's toxic. I would pick the child up on Saturdays and take him rollerskating. The travel time was 90 minutes round trip. I had said to my son, I'm taking the child to the rink for his skate lesson and then I'll drop him home. This benefited my son as he didn't have to pick up and drop off. He's involved in a relationship with another woman and has a child with her. Occasionally my son had to work on a Saturday. This one particular weekend, I said to my son that I was going to pick up the child and take him skating. My son said "I don't have him this weekend." I thought that meant that he had to work that Saturday and so did the child's mother. He led us both to believe that he had to work. So, I pick up the child and take him to the rink. Afterwards, I texted my son and asked him what time do you want me to drop him off? I figure that I would watch the child until he got off from work. He didn't answer his phone. I texted his girlfriend who lives with him, she didn't respond. I didn't understand what was going on and neither did the child's mother. So the girlfriend whom he lives with got pissed off because they were at a wedding and she was a bridesmaid for the bride. He left the details that he was going to a wedding and not to work when he told me that he wasn't going to be home. This miscommunication caused chaos and confusion. I asked him why didn't he tell me and the child's mother that he and his girlfriend were attending a wedding? His response was "I told you that I wasn't going to be home." His girlfriend got angry at me because according to her, I ruined her time at her BF's wedding because I kept texting her. She never responded. My son and the girlfriend got into an argument over this and they both blamed me. As a result of this toxic event, I was not permitted to see my grandchildren for over a year. He has children by both women. He constantly lies, gaslights, and uses the children as a weapon to punish me for stuff like this. His girlfriend is on his side and the children are caught in the middle. I can't deal with this behavior. My grandson's skating instructor thought it was terrible that the child wasn't permitted to skate anymore because his father didn't want him to. My grandson is very depressed because his father says disparaging words about the child's mother in front of the child.
I can't take it anymore with these people. Going no contact means I would never see my grandchildren again. I can't see the child during the week because he doesn't live nearby and it doesn't coordinate with my work schedule. I have tried to set boundaries and asked my son if we could work out a structured visitation schedule because this way there would be no miscommunication and we would both agree to each other's availability. My son's response was "you can see the children anytime you want. I'm not doing a structured visitation schedule because you're not coming over here when I have stuff to do?" So, I can come over anytime I want except when he has stuff to do? Well when is that? Who knows because he doesn't communicate with me well and I also have things to do. He has called me nasty names. He called me an "old hag piece of sh*t" because he wanted to borrow $4,000 from me to stop his house from being foreclosed. At first I reluctantly agreed but shortly afterwards he drives up in a new used car that he bought on credit. I told him that if he had money to buy a car on credit, he has money to pay his mortgage. He didn't need to get a car for travel, he had a car. He upset me so badly with his craziness that it's destroying my own mental health. I have anxiety, I got into a minor car accident and I can't do this anymore.
Do you see the ridiculousness in this? I think that I need to talk to someone because this is really bad. Do you take insurance?
Yes, it's ridiculous. I don't take counseling cases any more, which is why I refer viewers to the BetterHelp link. Best wishes. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr. C. I need to sort out if no contact with all of them is the right decision. There are no words that can express the pain of not ever seeing my grandchildren again. How do people cope with this?
What I wonder is are they truly ignorant of the pain they inflict, or are they unfazed (sp?) by it. Maybe I should try to get an answer from a narcissist, since they think they're all knowing! 🤔
I think that was tackled by a self aware narcissist, lee hammock. Check that out
Unfazed
@@carladw3380 thanks! I kept wanting to use "ph" v. f.
They know that's why they do it subtly manipulative and put on the mask in front of pple .trust this fact they know.you think the devil doesn't know he knows .narcs know exactly what they do .why do they target cause they know exactly the abuse and damage they want to do to the targets person.its the,devil against Gods pple who full of love .they are full of satan and what he stands for .hate .
@@tawannatsvakwi6096 I just listened to a sermon by Dr. Tony Evans. One of the many things he said was about seeing the truth behind the facts. I think you've done that. Thank you for your kind support.
Dr.C says 'i don't need to know, i already know everything i need to know' (about who you are)
perhaps this attitude is adoptable for those healing from being the recievers of toxic messages. Once you know your enemy, whether they are on team healthy or team toxic you treat them accordingly.
I’m 43, a self employed carpenter. This outlines a lot of the difficulties I have collaborating with others. I have noticed that when outlining the problem that the customer has and attempting to come up with the most efficient and effective solution there is one phrase I hear, and when I hear it, I know I am alone against the problem and then also against egos. That phrase is spoken quickly with to much confidence then followed by the worst simplistic advice. That phrase is “I just”. If you are hiring any one to repair anything and this pops up. Beware, you are about to spend a lot of money and time having a professional repair captain moron’s repair. As well as a great demonstration in blame shifting when making them responsible for there incompetence.
Interesting.... my son is in process of getting his contractors license. ...I just....hope it's gonna work out for him 🙂
wow. so many times I asked, how are they so wise sometimes, and so irrational & stupid other times? I could never reconcile it in my head.
It comes down to a deep lack of connection at the heart level. They don't understand love. Dr. C
Another explanation for me is like, an electrical engineer that acts like he is the smartest guy in the room so he also has to have the most informed opinions about politics, the medical systems etc. And wont listen to others points of views
Yup! You get it. Dr. C
Or any profession, I assume?
If they wont engage is a discussion and accept difference then they have nothing, let them bury themselves!
I agree. They don't just have to be right, they have to be the only one right in the room. I noticed that you can even agree with them, and then they will change.....well, you know, on the other hand...This ex friend of mine loves Stallone, and anything he does, (he is Italian too). He was praising Rambo Last Blood. I said basically the same, because I genuinely liked it...Then he started to critique it! No way to win, or even break even with them.
@@spiderslider3900 It's definitely a case of not being able to win, no matter what, which can be infuriating! I've gotten to the stage where I'm unable to bear having a "conversation" with people like that, because I know exactly what will happen, and it won't be winning. Lol.
Unfortunately, I got caught up with one of those types at the weekend, so was feeling very distressed about it earlier on. It's best if I stay away from the specific situation for a while.
The person often goes against what I've said, or puts me down, and I did get very angry and swore at him once, then ended up talking to him again, which I tend to do. They usually don't give me as many chances though. 🙁
I know one who calls themself a "freethinker" yet is an ideologue. And we all should know the saying, "Ideology is for idiots."
Most of them are as closed-minded as the religious extremists they criticize.
Zero personal connection behind closed doors, but to the world, they post on social media “You’re my world, Iove you more than you will ever know.” P.S. The message for me is I’m busy, living my best life, don't bother me, unless you intend to bring me a gift or take me to dinner, with an appointment of course. #Shallowmuch😂
Looooool!!! You nailed it!
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A narcissist keeps brushing across my wall and then claims not to know. After complaining decided find something to sand the paint off inside the house next to a fan. The floor was covered with it where it was done. Another serious issue can be how they deprive the victim of sleep. The narcissist once came into my bedroom at night and woke me up then said I must have been dreaming. I think they do things like this to cause harm and watch the reaction because they enjoy it. Either that or they're really stupid.
One of the things my narcissistic wife does , is come down in the morning and turns the radio right down . I like music . When I say did you do that , no common . She then just plays with her I pod or what it is. No talking that's just of many things I have to endure .
You can’t argue with a narcissist. So sucking it up sucks, when you know your right. I find they use mean words to manipulate.
quote narc - i dont need to learn - the ultimate pathetic atitude. that is arrogance. ignorance as - the gift that keeps giving - irony off .. ah yes and N never listen never
Dr C, you are so accurate, i can hardly stop laughing to write this! Yes; it' a case of 'why should i be interested in your differences or acceot them, JUSTCONFORM!' They are always right and consider themselves to be demi-gods, often don't believe in God. They are vain and see themselves as the hottest ticket in town. Also, they are secretly jealous and pick apart other people behind their backs but only with someone they trust and can influence. UGH. Sadly, they are seductive/charming enough to gather quite a few of those around them.
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"Common SENSE"🐬🕯️💕God Bless.. more VALIDATION 💫💯💛
It’s the “until there’s other evidence that you want to be a different individual” part with a covert that makes things so super tricky! They actually prove to be “a different individual” behind your back. The evidence of change they try to hand you always comes with a price tag- and the price is always marked in RED (red flag/red tag.) It’s so difficult to discern a covert’s “evidence of being a different individual.”
Red flag, red tag. Thanks, Kelly. You get it. Dr. C
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Hello Dr. Carter, way back in his Teens, Ben Franklin, yup the 1 with a kite and litenin' bolt,
he thought he knew everything about everything, and his friends liked him more when he
was NOT around. One day an old quaker friend gave him some sage advice. "Ben, your
friends find you impossible, you have a nasty bite for anyone whose opinion does not
yours, your friends are not all that liking of you due to your thinking you're the best thing
since sliced bread." Ben pulled his head out of his ass and took the old Quaker's
words to heart and from then on, was very courteous and respectful to others.
I wish all could respond that way! Dr. C
The conclusion hit home hard. That hurts little child still resides in my main narcissist, cowardly charting a path of least resistance. Thank you, Dr. C.
As John Prune said-you've got gold inside of you!
THIS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY IS WHAT IT WAS LIKE LIVIING WITH THAT EX NARC hUsBaNd
AS USUAL YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD !
My sociopath narc sister is very good with her phone. She was a secretary so she has miles and miles of Grudge Files in her head and probably in her phone too. She goes over and over them, seething, swearing, hoping for some cataclysmic event that would 'take out' all of her enemies.
And I'm realizing just how many she and her pedo husband may have. They are so profoundly unwelcoming, hate everyone and talk nothing but sh*t about anyone who isn't there. Maybe people do see what I see.
Wow, Dr C.! You hit the nail on the head!
You have described my Narc husband once again! And I did exactly what you have suggested, I finally told him he couldn't be helped. He kept doing the same ignorant things over and over, no matter what it was in life.
YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID, EXPECIALLY IN A NARCISSIST. GIVE UP.......AND WALK ON! LESS FRUSTRATION FOR ME.....LET THEM LEARN FROM THEIR MUSTAKES, IF THAT IS POSIBLE????? THANK DR. C. GREAT VIDEO....THANK GIOD FOR YOU!😄😄
Thanks, Elaine!
"Assumed hostility"... my mom says I was always distant from birth on till now.
We confuse intelligence with calculation. A narcissist is wired to secure immediate gratification of material desire and attention RIGHT NOW. Whatever intelligence it has is directed at calculating how to extract that from the environment. Other people are just objects in the environment. Intelligence is much subtler and broader a faculty than calculation. It includes empathy, compassion, attendance to the actual things happening in reality and recognition and appreciation of cause and effect. Intelligence is inquisitive, not declarative. Intelligence is a spring of joy in discovery. Narcissists are not intelligent. They are just calculating.
Let's add to the mix that the narcissist has some mental/learning handicaps and will quickly use that as a scapegoat when they might be perceived as less intelligent ("brain surgery/removal made me start having trouble with words") but also refuses to acknowledge that those same handicaps possibly have had any negative effects on their intelligence or thought process etc...
100 % accurate. Thank You
I had to go into online therapy. That's how bad the GAMES are that my narcissists play.
The therapist told me to go offline for now. Yesterday I had a reprieve; Facebook was down most of the day.
Mr. Carter, you just gave a flawless description of my mother just now. Thank you for being here, you have helped me considerably!! I get it, and I'm DONE. 👍
So pleased, Dawn. Dr. C
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My ex-wife is very intelligent and talented in many ways. But a lot of ignorance came out of her mouth too. It was very puzzling.
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He would find a group on which one or two prominent members had thoughts that align with his. Then he'd decide that person speaks for the entire group on that matter, and whatever related matters he found appropriate. "Everybody i go to church with is voting for this person because, well, you know." Yeh, I know, so I choose not to argue. Sometimes I enjoy verbal conflict, it helps hone my debate skills, though not with him! I find life is much quieter now that I allow others to have their opinions without trying to convince them another side might have merit--so see, he did teach me something!
I think we should ask whether clams really are as happy as they make out. There could be hidden trauma under the affable shell.
Out of all the dynamics and struggles in my marriage- this topic sums up my perceptions and concerns more than any other. This was where my mind was at most of the time, and long before I figured out he had a personality disorder… thank God I finally put the pieces together, and I couldn’t have done it without your help Dr. C.
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Love that list of things "I'm done with". Also, "I'm done with your deceitfulness".
Thanks, Michele! Dr. C
They embrace Might Makes Right.
In the last major battle, I let go of the rope in our Tug of War. When he landed hard on the ground, I wanted to ask:
Is that what Winning looks like?
Yep, double down on dumb, cruel, their feeling du jour....
It is so comforting to hear this from you, Dr.C - It's funny how narcissists are almost the same in a cookie-cutter way...
It's been my experience that every narcissistic boss I've had only appeared smart. They could never walk their talk. What they were smart at was giving the illusion that they were smart. My narc boss would lead a mtg.as if you were at a Joel Osteen event, reading from a power point created by corp. & when he would have to explain product positioning, features & benefits, he would transition with " Mike, tell everyone about this great product." If we'd role play, he'd conveniently slither out of the room, so that no one could ask him for help. But, over time, people started seeing through his charade.
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My ex's approach to conflict resolution or just figuring out how to deal with various challenges in our relationship was very exclusive and counterproductive. She would typically withdraw for lengthy periods, anything from a few days to a month. We didn't live together and she would make excuses for not being free to meet or talk on the phone. We could text, but during this time it would feel like I was forcing conversation with a stranger. She'd only respond to really banal questions about work, or her kids, or the weather etc. Any hint of entertaining banter or intimacy would get ignored. Often I'd not know what the current problem (or percieved problem) was, but I would have noticed that something was off with her the last time I saw her, or I sensed from the change of communication style that something was wrong, which she'd usually dismiss as paranoia and assure me everything was "fine". If I was aware of what was causing this upset and tried to address it she would always say how busy she was and that we'd talk about it "soon". I now realise that this was her version of the silent treatment, which was very different from my narcissistic mother's silent treatment, making it harder to detect.
My ex would re-emerge sometime later having reached really simple and uninformed conclusions that were incorrect or inaccurate and she would come away believing that our connection diminished somewhat, or that I must have been less attracted or in love with her. They were potentially harmful because she left me out of the deliberation process and this often made small things and misunderstandings into much bigger and harmful things. By the time I would find out what the problem is it was too late to change her mind and feelings, even when she'd completely got it wrong and I had a stack of evidence to prove it.
Had it been anyone else I would have just seen this as a sign of a downward spiral which I could not do anything to change. But she and I had a unique long history which made this relationship as the exception, much to my detriment.
Stupid is, as stupid does. Rote memory is no substitute for intelligence.
10:15 Don't say it to them out loud if you know what's good for you.
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It describes my late stepfather.