Why Are Narcissists So Argumentative?
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- Опубліковано 25 лип 2024
- When difficulties or differences arise, healthy people dialogue cleanly, seeking clarity and understanding. Narcissists have not developed that skill. Armed with the notion that they must teach you a lesson, they go straight into the stubborn, argumentative mode. Dr. Les Carter describes how this works and how you are not required to play along with their dysfunction.
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1) Talking over you.
2) Dodging questions.
3) Trying to put words into your mouth.
4) Abruptly changing subject.
5) Playing dumb.
6) Expecting you to prove everything while they are required to prove nothing.
7) Utilizing every logical fallacy in the book.
Normal people argue to establish what's true and what isn't. Narcissists argue to wear down the other person until they give up through exhaustion.
Could not agree more
Btw, I'm pretty sure this list is not exhaustive. If anybody wishes to add to the list please do so!
Putting words in my mouth happened many times, it's so annoying
That's exactly it! I keep telling myself not to argue but I get drawn in. I feel I have to defend myself. I can't talk without being interrupted and unheard. There is NO talking and discussing.
🎯🎯🎯🎯
Every narcissist, I have ever had to deal with, starts the fight then yells “I’m tired of fighting with you”.
And yet they keep on doing it! Dr. C
Wow!
My husband says the same thing! And I always say "I'm not fighting with you, I'm trying to have a conversation!" 😲
YES!!! omg!
Every mole hill became a mountain, every disagreement became a fight to the death. Nothing was ever resolved just an endless circle that went around and around. So glad its over with.
😞✔
Yeah! You got out!
I'm very happy for you. Fighting is no way to live.
Oh how I remember the "circle back" arguing and never ever coming to any resolutuon....glad I'm free for 3 years now....wool hoooo!
This is called word salad in the narcissist world. You will never come to a solution.The will make you go in circles.That is not healthy in a relationship.I am talking from my experience.So look up Word salad and it's meaning.I hope this can help you. 💪👌
Everything turns into an argument with them criticizing & putting you down.
Rumi said "the answer to a fool is silence."
💯
Yup it makes them go nuts. I calmly asked him if he was looking for negative attention. Then they get rude but if that doesn't work either; after time they can even turn to physical violence out of frustration.
Imam Shafi said similar
Imam al-Shafi’i, may Allah be pleased with him, said in his poetry, “If a fool speaks to you, do not answer him, for the best answer is silence. If you speak to him, you have delighted him. If you leave him, he nearly dies in anguish.”
Source: Dīwān al-Imām al-Shāfi’ī 38
Al-Ajurri said about the people of lowly desires, “Your silence over them and your abandonment of speaking to them is harder on them than your debate with them. Such was said by the righteous predecessors among the Muslim scholars.”
Source: al-Sharī’ah 1/449
@@AA123TD very interesting.
Silence is truly golden ✨️ 💛 😊
They are so argumentative: because they hate being *wrong* (almost beneath them to be so), but mainly due to the fact that they *hate* for YOU to be *right* 🙈 🙉 🙊
I find that they don't believe they're wrong, and that they MUST correct the other person. So you're wrong about why they're argumentative.
@@fredflintstone8048: my experience taught me that they *truly* believe that they can do no wrong, if so *it was somebody else's fault*
Yeah - they’re right , your wrong
They’re smart , you’re dumb ,
They’re big, you’re little
and inferior and shameful !
@@lifewithapurpose237 it is Always someone else's fault.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 @Foxie Dog : for sure, mine barely if ever acknowledged or *owned* that they were at fault, and when doing so, they *minimized* the *damage done* by them. Went like this "Oh, I know I did not handle that *well* " referring to the abuse they inflicted on our children and me to get taken into *custody* for assault family v10l3nc3. ²⁴nov
They're argumentative to the point where even when you agree with them they want to argue!
I know right.
So true!
Hahaha....yes...I have a friend who will say something and I will agree with her...then she'll get her heckles up and say "we'll just have to agree to differ" and go off in a huff 😂
Yup
They're not happy unless they're arguing and miserable-making.
It used to shock me every time my narcissist would accuse me of having intentions I never had. It would shock me every time they would completely twist reality and flat out lie and be willing to fight to the death to defend that lie. There have been so many things that have left me stunned. It helps so much to understand why. At times I really thought I was going crazy.
They have a very loose relationship with truth.
So TRUE! My ex is the classic narcissistic bully. Always judgemental, always argumentative. I would call them "circle arguments"... going around and around in circles, never resolving anything. Dragging the past into every argument. He could never take responsibility for his own actions. Took many, many years, but finally free!
Alina, I don't like arguing. Mine would rehash over and over all kinds of stupid things. Really the dumbest things. I told him, you remind me of a woman. He seemed so unreal with his tit for tat...and I avoid women like that.
@@christineplaton3048 I agree, I don't like arguing either. Two intelligent adults SHOULD be able to have a difficult conversation, and discuss differences.
This is impossible with a narcissist. They gaslight you and try to twist your words. I finally learned to stay silent and observe. (This would infuriate my ex.)
But I slowly built back my self esteem and am now free of him and all the drama.
“Circle arguments” -good way to put it. I call them “the crazy cycle” or “the crazy hamster wheel.” I’m not a dumb hamster. Staying clear of the spinning!
Always Stamping, nah the narcissistic hamster is running like crazy, wants you to try to jump on, maybe get a foot in a rung and spin off. Misery loves company.
Same here, constant put downs, never taking the blame for his actions and my life was controlled from day one. I stuck it for years while my children were young, and now I've been free from him for eight years. I had to have counselling to try and recover. I'm glad you're now free Alina.
Yes, it is maddening to have someone argue, criticize, or debate EVERYTHING you say. So I rarely speak now, giving her no fuel. It is like living with a bratty child that no adult ever said no to when they were being raised.
This is no way to live. Free yourself.
@@lenebrantley221 I agree, trying to get out and not lose my personal property. The hateful nature of this narc will be to interfere in the exit, so be it.
yessss I think that's it my narc mom picked my sis to be the golden child she was spoiled rotten and now my sis is a malignant narcissist adult
@@mattdonna9677 Same here. I would be out tomorrow if the finances weren’t a huge issue. At least the love and GAF are gone for me. That makes the pain much less. I can’t count the nights I have gone to bed completely torn up.
@@Pam74055 I understand exactly how you are feeling pam. The love is gone. I hope you can get out and someday find someone who knows to treat you well. Dr. Carter is our island in a sea of despair and he will continue to help us. Thank you for your message.
Because their stamina for disagreement, getting negative attention and draining your energy is limitless.
That's what my sister did to me for years, it drains everything out of you to the point of exhaustion,
100%
@@pamelatitterington2453 my sister tooo! She was bent on destroying me all my life until at age 73 she called the Police and accused me of elderly abuse of our mom, when it was her wrongdoing! Projecting as usual.....
They are like black holes that siphon off the very last ounce of your energy. That's what keeps them going, and it's also the reason why they have to move on once their supply is depleted.
They leave utter destruction in their wake.
That's lifeblood for those vampires.
I like how this guy actually tells how to engage with narcissistic people with kindness rather than just cutting them off. However, I know that in some cases you just have to cut them off for good
Goodness is desirable, but as you say, sometimes the recipient has no willingness to receive it. At that point, moving on is an option too. Dr. C
You can't be nice to someone who is raging mad at you or harassing you ! I had to call in help! Just because I said no more!
my experience taught me that they *truly* believe that they can do no wrong, if so *it was somebody else's fault*
Life with purpose, yes they cannot accept their imperfections, they can do no wrong, want positions of power. It's all the power dynamic. These people have no right to be placed in powerful positions. If they were destructive, they did damage. Don't let those victimized by them see their victimization as nothing. That is the cruelest thing, to deny the reality of wrong doing. Then elevate the criminal
@@christineplaton3048 Well stated and excellent hearted.
@@christineplaton3048 , exactly. 🤗🐕
Exactly true👍
@@christineplaton3048 OMG! That is so true. They're Never wrong or so they think. I have already been to court after my divorce with my narcissist. During my divorce I didn't feel well represented by my own lawyer. I was so distraught and severely depressed I know I didn't pay enough attention to details in the divorce decree. Unfortunately my own lawyer rushed me through many of the stipulations in the divorce papers and through the process of the entire divorce.
The other day a friend of mine and I were going over the divorce decree together and my mind being in a different way than 1 year ago we found a few things I was taken advantage of in this case. My lawyer should have seen and caught these issues. Is it too late after about 1 1/2 years ago to find a different lawyer and go back to court for some changes in the paperwork?
This is soooooo true! No matter what the argument is about, the narcissist will always turn it back on you and blame you for whatever they want. They are just sick in the head, really. They looks like normal people, but in reality they are deeply disturbed individuals who belong in a psychiatric hospital. I actually wish there was an asylum for narcissists.
There is, it's called Congress.
You wish that? That someone who challenges you is to go in a psychiatric hospital? Have you ever thought about the real incarceration for mentally ill people?
This is just your point of view, others have theirs. Anyone who disagrees with you or calls YOU into question belongs in an asylum? Maybe you're a narcissist?
@@Sarah_270 If you think that a narcissist is just somebody who "challenges you", then you clearly don't understand narcissism at all. Besides, in my comment I talked specifically about narcs, not at all about challenging people.
Thanks for the honest, and very real comment. I can relate, and I agree. LOL! I believe another narcissist is best equipped to get along with them & they could all have each other in some sort of lock-up.
(And, Seriously, ignore kitteh, who’s purpose is apparently just to be rude. He or she thinks it’s their job to censor people.) .
Another purpose they might have is to foster confusion, doubt, chaos, discord, anger, division, and recriminations. Coincidentally, these are the exact things used by the devil to establish his territory.
What I find exhausting is the utterly predictable need to argue about or contradict or qualify the most innocuous statements. "Nice day out." "WELL IT'S GOING TO RAIN THIS AFTERNOON." "I did the laundry." "BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE GIONG TO DO IT THIS EVENING." "What a nice painting!" "IF YOU LIKE THAT KIND OF THING."
Omg this, I know exactly what you speak of! Completely maddening
Toxic people. It's a war to get along with them. I've learnef.
The person you describe has a CLONE living in the house with me.
Amen!
@@G.G.8GG wow ! I was beginning to think it was a normal response after being with one for around 20 years , very draining
I love Dr. Carter’s quote “AND DON’T GET INTO THE PIGPEN WITH THE NARC!” How true!!!
@Mary Carroll I did the samething with my mom. Not proud of it!! But at the end, I came out feeling like I was dragged through the war zone. So it can go in the other direction. I'm glad that you learned just how strong you are. For me, it left me feeling exhausted, tattered, and very wounded.
The biggest single Red Flag to watch for is the arguing
Yes, it is in conflict that a person shows his/her character. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes it does, there's a person who never reciprocates with an apology when I text one if we've both argued, I just get thanked for the apology with no acknowledgement that they may have also been out of turn. It's an interesting pattern to notice after watching these videos.
The covert narcissist i dealt with never argued with me until we tied the knot. And even then, he did it in a way that always made me think he was “just trying to discuss things.” So insidious!
I wish i had had the red flag of arguing BEFORE saying “i do.”
@@SurvivingNarcissism I put up with his behaviour for years, not realizing how controlling narcissists operate; I'm finally free. Thank you for your very informative videos.
"I'm NOT arguing, YOU'RE just being WRONG..."
“I’m not arguing. I’m just trying to have a discussion with you” (so that i can keep telling you you’re wrong.)
🤣🤣🤣
I always used to wonder why having a different opinion from Narcs was so threatening to them. It never made any sense to me. As a highly curious person, how is anyone supposed to learn something new, if you can't even have an intelligent conversation or discussion as to why someone thinks or feels the way they do??? Their errupting anger over any difference of opinion (& it can be over a benign topic) - was just baffling to me. Thanks for this wonderful description & explanation Dr. Carter!
My narc sister is furious that I don't like the type of beer she likes. She orders a dark beer and I order an amber ale and she flies into a fit.
@Mary Carroll - hi Mary! 😘 They really are so exhausting. I will be forever grateful for Dr. Carter!
@@dianac5764 - it would be almost comical.... except for the fact that you (we) live this. Stay strong 😘
M Dee - I looked at things the same. Why not challenge your opinions? Learn new things? Can't we agree to disagree?
@@susanrhodes5681 - It's just so bizarre. With some difference of opinions, it would trigger a full on rage, complete with swearing at me, calling me "a blanking idiot" etc., etc. Why my liking or disliking a random "thing" mattered that much to him... I'll never fully comprehend. This video does help me start to understand, but still, sheesh 🤯
I recently tried telling a narcissistic control freak about her appalling arrogant behaviour. It didn’t go well!.. Narcissists and psychopaths have no empathy, you cannot appeal to their conscience if they don’t have one. My lesson is to never engage such people again, it’s like talking to a brick wall.
Make a fire wall
Im begining to wonder if there's a difference
Yeah because they're incapable of being reasonable and honest. Their brain will scramble to control the situation in whatever manipulative way possible.
Narcissists don’t listen, can’t follow logic and can’t be reasoned with. Don’t waste any time with them, it doesn’t lead anywhere.
Thank you Dr Carter, I’m always amazed how accurate your description are and your videos give great comfort!
EXACTLY! You said it so well, and you’re so right!
and when someone disagrees with you...and you feel at your core attacked? Are we talking about a narcissist attacking you or your inability to accept criticism ???
Have you even taken time to think about it?
@@Sarah_270 What are you saying?
@@Sarah_270 - smart and insightfull. I guess w need to distinguish between rational positive criticism with intent of correcting someone, and irrational negative criticism with the intention of attacking, defeating or harming one.
@@MegaTrivial Thank you, criticism is there to make us think about what matters to us. Without it we'd be operating in a vacuum. To know what hurts and what angers us is to bring us closer to our selves.
They start 99.99% of every argument too! I've stopped allowing them (my family narcs) to come into my home & steal my peace. I miss the them occasionally but not enough to play the game! Nobody needs to have a narcissist ruin their life!!
I think they are energized by arguing.
What a clear depiction of how a narcissist reacts when confronted with his shame!
It is painful to see how a narcissist in a spiral of acting and shame wants to destroy others in order to survive their own shame.
“Pathological defensiveness”. True beyond. “Emotional weakling.” Yes they use strange internal logic to defend themselves when no defense is needed. They must shame us! They avoid accountability! Everything you’ve said is true.
They lack even one ounce of humility. They believe that they already know everything that they could ever possibly need to know, so if someone disagrees, they must automatically be wrong -- and it's not okay for the other to be wrong, as the narcissist needs to seize every opportunity to demonstrate his or her astonishing superiority. In my opinion, if a person is extraordinarily proud of their beliefs, the beliefs are often questionable. There's no need to be excessively proud about knowing the obvious.
With my ex, I couldn’t have a normal conversation. No matter how benign or lightheaded the topic was, it would turn into an argument and me being bullied for daring to have my own opinion. Once, he even had the nerve to say that my opinion was wrong! I’m older than him and even if I talked about things that happened before he was born or that happened in my childhood when he was nowhere around, he’d still act like he was the authority on what did or didn’t really happen. This is the same guy, who got into a shouting match with a family friend because that person liked British comedy and he didn’t! You can’t have any real conversations with a narcissist!
@le ciel blue: oh la la, oui oui. Mon marie Francais, Mon amour la Morte. Pardonne moi je ne parle ne pas Francais...mon gouli mon Marie.
Thank you Le Ciel! I'm writing down what you said about people who are extraordinarily proud of their beliefs- that's a very keen insight. And very true. I'm surrounded by those people and theres no such thing as having a lighthearted pleasant conversation- everything is fodder for their superiority over all of us mere mortals.
YES!
yes The lack of humility equals; they cannot grow or learn. They age BADLY.
When dealing with a narcissist
GO DEEP
Do not Defend
Do not Engage
Do not Explain
Do not Personalise
Dr Ramani Durvasula
Yes, my husbands favorite question is "Why are you arguing about this?" or favorite phrase is Im not going to argue about this......then blame me as if I am the one who ALWAYS argues about everything. He can NOT have a conversation or discussion without thinking I am trying to argue with him.
This is my husband too. Conversations still exist lol
Leave him. He is toxic
Round and round in the manipulation game...
@@UnknownUnknown-yl1lt .....Leaving is not an option. Im kind of stuck
My husband too, I wish we could just have a normal discussion like two adults with different opinions about something without the need to "win" and ridicule the person for having a different opinion. Different opinions are seen like someone attacking his whole belief system which of course is the only right one.
I find the best way to deal with a narcissist is to remove yourself from their presence.
They sure do make stuff up as I go along and have no regard for empathy … “You “ is their favourite word , and what follows is about shaming and blaming “you “
Your comment sparked a thought.
A lot of people who are on the other end of the cluster B spectrum say ‘I’ a lot.
Narc: ‘you’ did this. Because ‘you’ always ‘your’ fault
borderline: but ‘I’ think, ‘I’ am, because ‘I’
It’s like they are trapped kind of bouncing off each other’s egos because they are externalising emotions that happen to fit hand in glove.
It’s “you” when it’s negative/blame/shame, it’s “I” when they want to take all the credit, and “who” when they’re looking for somebody to blame.
In my case, I think my ex argued mostly to exert control. He could be very loud and threatening, and he wanted to be the decider on basically everything. I was supposed to keep my mouth shut and just go along with whatever he wanted, and if I didn't, there was always trouble.
Hey, I'm so glad your not with him anymore. 💞💨💨💨
Same here! My ex had to have the last decision on everything! I couldn't decorate the house because it had to pass his likeability. I couldn't plant a single plant around our new house because he didn't want to maintain them or like the look of the particular plant. And I'm a Landscape Architect! Now that I have my own house I feel so free to do what I want!
@@le4983 isn't it the best feeling to do what you want? I wasn't allowed to hang one picture, be gone longer then 5 minutes, he wanted control over Everything thing and for 30 plus years and belonging to a religion that tells woman men are their head. Woman have to be obedient to what he tells you,
. Jehovah witnesses. No longer part of the cult.
You can try to keep your marriage working but when they want to kill you , when is it time to say
"I'm done"?
They will not change.
It is like carrying a concrete wall on your back up hill in the night blind folded without shoes on!
It is better to have nothing and live in peace then have everything and live in fear.
The beginning of the end began 3 weeks ago, when I told him
- he was a narcissist
- he was Not the boss
- things were not how he said they were. His word wasn't law.
He's been disintegrating ever since ...
Finally, free.
@Nancy. I'd often tell him he needed a blow-up doll, who just nodded yes.
Not a human.
Once I start trying to explain myself he is already talking over me.
Then stop playing his silly games and don't engage in the argument at all.
Dump the fool
Pretty nice kitty in your picture.
Wish they taught this in school. I hope young people who have family members who are narcissists listen to these videos because there is endless suffering with narc parents.
Thank you 😊 for clarifying the argument issue. I don't like or want to argue either! Recently went no contact with my sister and her family. Best decision I've made in a long time! I'm nearly 60 years old and really tired of being their scapegoat. No family left to make me pretend like I'm the person causing the problems. I guess you could say that I grew up in a fake world and I'm finally waking up from a nightmare.
God bless and Happy Thanksgiving 🦃
Nightmare, ie NARCISSISTS trick or treat... Another good subject
Hey, same age only a bit older. You may really want a family, sisters ,brothers, marriage mate, relative's but sometimes your family may not be blood related and have fur instead.
Foxie, don't let narcissism embitter you to never trust again. A furry friend isn't exactly the answer. We are needing love and care and nurturing. Don't be afraid to reach out for friendships. Share the good memories put those old ruminations away. It's still a beautiful world. Offer your best self to another best self.. it's difficult to meet others when we live in isolation. So we need to find a good place to mingle with like minded people. Hobby...dog walking...anything.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 blood related can be just as psychologically challenged as adopted family and the adopted family can be quite unhealthy. I'm being kind here. I even told my birth mother that sometimes I can't entirely see how I fit in to either side of my family from what I've known so far. It's like opening a box of crackerjack. You never knew what kind of prize you'd get.
Enjoy your new found peace! You deserve it!!!
"I will not get into a battle of wits with an unarmed person" - my mother said this years ago and I will never forget it!
Love it! Your mom is one wise woman!
"THEY FEAR YOUR SEPARATE OPINIONS" YESSSSSS! It was so hard to realize this, but i felt so free when i did because now i know its not me, its him
Thank you again, Dr. C.
I was “raised” by one, married to one for 28 years, and now married to another for 10 years. Only in the last 18 months since my retirement have I had the free time to focus on myself and really learn what’s been going on in my life: why the constant lingering unhappiness, why the relationships that are so filled with pain, why I can’t ever seem to manage it or get ahead it. I never would have dreamed that I would FINALLY get the answers, learn so much, and feel so supported by UA-cam videos! Really? UA-cam videos?! But I am thankful for them every day, and yours is one of about five or six channels that I look at every day.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your wealth of caring, knowledge, and understanding that you share with the world. You are helping me change my life into something beautiful that has the potential to be more than I ever dreamed possible.
Maybe it has something to do with YOU? You really think all those times are just "Bad luck". Are you an enabler or maybe YOU are the one who's actually been wrong and you just can't or won't see it. Nothing is ever EVERYONE else's fault!!!!
@@Sarah_270 She never said that. She said she was learning about herself. What triggered you, narc?
Yes, me too! It has taken me about 18 years to figure it out, thanks to you tube, amazing, wonderful & caring people, like dr, Carter.
No doubt you’ve found them as well, & Richard Grannon has excellent videos as well on narcs.
That kitteh, keeps replying in a real negative way to people's comments. Ignore him/her/ it.
I'm so sorry u have had 2 marriages the same. U poor thing.
But yay for you tube ay.
27yrs..just learnt myself what I've been living in!!
I wish u a life of joy.
Isn't funny, when you finally realize, It's time to work on yourself, so you get that darn target or what I liked to call the Neon "V" off your forehead... Yes we have things to deal with, but that doesn't mean we're responsible for their behavior! Have you found the crappy childhood fairy yet on utube? I learned a lot there too. Stopping the cycle, better late than never IMHO.
God speed 🙏
Same reason they are always in victim mode. It's all about keeping up and protecting the false self.
yep ... my father and tbh my mother too ...both love to look.like poor me victims and both seem to enjoy being miserable...both are not animal lovers and tbh both are cold ....thet are also divorced too btw but so similar. for example ..mi got my mum a lovely garden ornament ...it is beautiful and I got it delivered and sent to her and it was 105 pounds for xmas ...I also got her her fave cd and went to a shop to get it and I posted it 10p oif miles away where she lives....she received both and do you know what she sent me days later in the post 7 days afte(r for xmas )...a large box ...containing sweets. biscuits ...all amassing to 10.00 and btw they were all unwrapped...... it told me everything... in Not a greedy person but even a wooden 50p elephant from a charity shop and joss sticks would of been better .... x My brother was recently in debt .... she found 600 and bailed him out .... I've never asked her for 5 pounds ...
x
I've seen many people mention the circular arguments. IMO that is the most maddening and crazy making, and completely exhausting thing they do.
Agreed. That's why you never get anywhere with them, and nothing changes. They have to talk in circles because it always has to come back to them to save face.
Oh so true and exhausting
Maybe they are trying to get their point across to your brain?
@@Sarah_270 ya they want to feel superior because they are cheap inside i just pray to god plz teach a very good lesson to such people
@@swirlingbutterfly3031 Me too. I pray God everyday.
I was always AUTOMATICALLY WRONG, because I solved problems in a different manner than the Narc.
Yo Angie,You got a lovely smile 😊
Usually they don’t argue in the traditional way , they constantly interrupt, contradict and pretend like they didn’t understand you.
True....mid sentence, mostly. I'll respond "excuse me, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"
only for them to keep yammering anyway.
I love their pretending "not to understand" BS. All to gaslight you into feeling like you're some incoherent mess..
It's hopeless, any real communication with these toxic creatures. Narcs don't hear you either, nor care to.
They don't listen to understand, they "listen" to reply and talk all over you.
Unfortunately we must interact with them at times. go Grey Rock as much as possible.
Never explain, justify or overshare 👍 ❤
I had an encounter with a very controlling "friend" yesterday. I hadn't seen her for a while so thought it would be ok. Wrong!!!!!! She was so negative and provoking. It wasn't even a conversation. It was me saying something which she just contradicted and twisted. But when she started blaming me for something that happened weeks ago and putting on the poor me act I knew it was time to leave. She was pushing me to react and I didn't. I just said see you soon and walked away. It saddens me though that she can be so nice to everybody else. I'm not prepared to be her emotional punchbag anymore.
Because they think you NEED their friendship. And are desperate.
Yeah! 💙💕💙 Soooo Awesome that you walked away & didn’t get hooked!!! 👍👍👍 Don’t feel bad for long. Narcs need supply, and they create conflict to engage us & get that attention via power & control.
Don’t do that again!
Good for you! I once had a former friend corral me at a community function & start in about how everyone was doing everything wrong. When I offered an opinion she reacted with an exaggerated surprise that I could be so "misinformed " and then called me later to tell me how to run my life. I firmly replied I didn't need the help but she persisted. After another warning I simply quietly hung up. When I next saw her she said we needed to discuss my "bad behavior." I said excuse me and just left.
@@G.G.8GG They were never a friend.
They argue because they want to control you. An argument with a narcissist is the worst thing on planet earth. You will leave feeling like you were in the ring with cassis clay. The point is for them to exhaust you...not have a dialogue. They do not tire like you will. It gives them life instead. Break away from the argument if it's safe to do so, and quietly work on getting away from that person
This is exactly my experience. It's manipulation, it's about wearing you down, and either making you cave to whatever they want, or if you start behaving badly under pressure, then they can manipulate your feelings of guilt and your sense of reality even more. They do not tire of the argument, they merely gear up for more, and more, and more. Argh! So glad I'm learning some good strategies for maintaining equilibrium, dignity. Things are getting better since I changed my strategies.
My dog passed away recently and your snoozing pup really made my day - thanks for including your little ray of sunshine!
My dog had died about 3 months prior to me getting Gus as an 11 month old rescue back in 2015. He's been a vert good companion. I know you miss yours. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism You and Gus are very lucky to have found each other. It will take me longer than 3 months, though I did get a grief journal called "My Brave Dog I want to say...", definitely a good idea!
"Arguing with a foolish person makes you foolish." Wished I knew that 3 or 4 yrs ago because it is so true.
“Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself.” Proverbs 26:4
This gentleman takes a lot of the quality things he says from the scriptures. Most people don’t realize God already gave us all these pep talks thousands of years ago. We just need the reminder.
Never argue with a fool, people at a distance can’t tell the two of you apart
I want peace and dignity more than I ever want the ugliness of being manipulated into being what the narcissist is inside of their evil and empty.heart, that’s not who I was to start and it’s not who I am now
Amen! Keep surviving!
@@AlwaysStampinVideos thank You Stampin . I wish you a Blessed Thanksgiving ❤️
Dr C thank you for these videos. I've finally stopped arguing with my father, there is no point to trying to convince him, as you say. It just keeps me caught in being his arguing partner, which I no longer want to be. Now I just say "well, I see this differently," or "hmm, that's not my experience" and MOVE ON. I can tell he's frustrated and keeps trying to bait me into new arguments, but I just keep refusing, and it feels so much better.
Enjoy your newfound peace! Loving a parent from a distance (even when standing right next to them) takes practice. You deserve peace!!!
Narcissists can't resolve any problems. You will just argue about the same thing over and over again. I just totally stopped talking. I have nothing to say to unreasonable people.
I actually just said: "I don't gotta explain shit"
They don't get it and I don't care.
Same!!!
Good job! Freedom!
"Arguing with a foolish person makes you look foolish" Those are some priceless words. It's almost like arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a young kid but the only difference is the narcissist is the same size as you or twice the size as you are with maybe twice the strength.
“Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself.” Proverbs 26:4
I’m not going to argue with a narcissist for two minutes, or having another thing to do with her. In her eyes, we’re wrong, stupid, at fault, and beneath her no matter what. So why should we have anything to do with someone like that?
Because "she" might have a point.?
@@Sarah_270 “She” will be convinced she has a point, that she is right, and you’re wrong, stupid, inferior, and beneath her- no matter how obvious it is that she is wrong. I can’t stand people like that, and I don’t know why any self-respecting person would. My younger sister would not tolerate any more of her abuse and cut off contact with her 16 years ago. Why should we have anything to do with someone like that?
@@Sarah_270 Yup, you're a narc. Online, narcs are trollish. They deliberately try to provoke people into confrontations because they are energy vampires.
god forbid anyone should challenge you
Ha-Ha!!😄
One of the best ways to respond to all of the projection is in simply saying: “that’s possible” with zero emotion. Works like a charm ;) Repeat as necessary. They can’t figure out what to do with that. You were saying it’s possible but anything is possible and you are not agreeing. Whooo hooo!
Interesting tactic, I am going to try it.
One night with my narc while he was arguing with me , I just kept repeating yep that's terrible, yep that's terrible, finally he gave up and figured out my tactic.
Will give it a shot! I hope 2022 is the year I finally make the decision to escape. I’m over it.
🦃🍂🏵🤍grateful for your tip !
😆😆😆
Celebrating 5 years away from my narcissistic husband. I am able to decide who I want to be instead of being who I need to be to keep from arguing. Thank you again for another excellent video. I always come away feeling good about my choice
Congratulations on your freedom and happiness, by being brave and getting away from the narc !!!
wow 5 years, congratulations
I can’t say I’ve never been argumentative, but I have a rule, I don’t resort to name-calling. It doesn’t make the other person see your position any better, and you’re reducing your partner to something non-human, and it’s disrespectful in ways that a person can’t just take back. My narc ex, however, would always use abusive language towards me, and I remember one time, after plenty of arguments where I maintained my own boundaries, I thought that maybe if I tried that language back on him, he might understand how bad it makes a person feel to be called a “b****” for something as simple as wanting to sleep when you’re tired at night, but narcissists are simply incapable of thinking “oh wow, it hurts to be on the receiving end of my words and actions, I’ll change.” Take it from me, don’t stoop to their level. I tried it twice in a three year relationship and I know it was wrong, but I was desperate to try to make him see how much he was hurting me. Ultimately, he didn’t care, accountability would have destroyed him, and he’d rather destroy me than risk bruising his precious, fragile ego.
Actually, keeping one up at night is part of the plan to keep you fragile! I used to wonder why he would start conversations just when I was attempting to sleep?! Had to get up early! I'd say let's talk tomorrow, I'm up early and don't want to get upset! All to no avail!
This is now not negotiable at all! You Tube has been a god send! Who knew?
You can't ever successfully communicate (or argue) with a narcissist because they don't get that a communication is a 2-way street. For them it's always a 1-way street - they talk and everybody else is to shut up and listen. They are so pathetic, really. They are like a 2 year old child in a grown-up's body.
Thank u Dr. C, having lived with this for 5 yrs I began thinking I was losing my mind. He had me going to counseling thinking I had the issues. The choice answer was NO! My psychologist finally told me it was him and diagnosed him with Narcissism after speaking with him. It made me question myself and my own integrity. I finally left this and am rebuilding my life.
the holidays are not my favorite time of year anymore.
i’ve grown accustomed to the shallowness this time of year highlights for malignant narcs.
this is the time of year they clean things up. in a matter of days, Narcs will nail the coffin shut on those they destroyed or try to in the recent past. and they cultivate their new supply and managed image.
across the country narcissists are living for the moment they can sit among sheep and just smile and ‘Prey’. On everyone they see.
NazCool, yes we are the sheeple, preyed upon and the Churches are rife with argumentative dictators. Slinging mud at other denominations, hell bent in their narcissistic religious fervor. The narcissist is not a realist we are told a large percentage of ministers, priests etc are major narcissists. Those congregants are enabling the worst or the worst...financially as well as giving credence to their twisted religions. It's a mess since people still attend churches, knowing pedophiles are leering, seducing the innocent. They win the arguments from the pulpits. Sheeple. Blind, obedient, codependent...
Is that what those things are? The stone
creatures on the tops of Gothic structures...
@@christineplaton3048
I am going to save your comment because it's 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 TRUE!!
I Just left the Jehovah's Witnesses ⛪ since childhood.
I finally went behind the curtains and I had to leave to keep my sanity!!..
Thanks so much for validating my experience!
Let's stay woke!! 👠👜👒
@Southern Bawse Lady, Be strong. It's never say to row against the tide. We were big boats. And being so little they can drag us down in the wake. It hurts to have spiritual confusion. We had high ideals, believed we were on a good path. We hoped for the best. It's a true Narcissistic relationship, they love bomb us, want puppets, just fill that collection plate and feel loved. Just do what we say because we know everything and you don't. I guess the universe made humans weak, needy at birth for a reason . Unfortunately society is so broken down families are not all friendly and cohesive. This includes church families. It's important to have a social network of like minded friends. I hope you have a good life ...to the best of your ability. Understanding narcissism is crucial to survival these days.
@@christineplaton3048
Yes, I'm in a much better place now.
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement! 🌻🌻
You are correct learning about narcissism is a MUST, it is the only way to survive in this world!
Stay safe and blessed!
I knew it!!! That the word would be "You". He uses this all the time. Today, he hung up on me when I started talking about accountability. I am also watching me for triggering points to overcome things and with all this amazing sources of information I am recognizing patterns where I have got caught in ignorance about hidden methods they use before and now I am seeing what I didn't see before. Sad on many accounts what Narrastic people do and the great length that they go to maintain their fragile image instead of changing.
Keep learning, Yvonne! You know I'm pulling for you! Dr. C
Look into logical fallacies. Narcissists use these ALOT and they work well. We should be teaching about logical fallacy in early grade school so that people are more equipped to deal with these arguments. I wish id known about this when I was a kid, because then I wouldn't have internalized all the shame. If you know something is BS, you're less likely to give any emotion to it.
My mother summed it up with my ex narcissist husband when she called him an 'Emotional Cripple.' Arguing with these individuals is futile and if you try to continue, you end up banging your head against a brick wall; totally losing it. Out of all the 40 years I spent with this narcissist, I never witnessed any empathy.
How were you able to keep your relationship with your mother, as narcissists try to isolate their victim from their families.
@Gillian Brookwell IDK, that might have been better than the FEIGNED EMPATHY my Narc presented. He made it seem like I was the "UNCARING ONE" if I told my feelings about a situation. Little did I know the scenario we were discussing was something "NOT SO NICE" that he'd done in the past.
My mom is a narco/sociopath and it never fails to surprise me what little empathy they have. Never. It's unfathomable. Im still not over it and I'll never forget this side of her
They are merciless.
I call them "emotionally retarded" because they are emotionally stuck at a two year olds development stage! Lol...
I can't have any type of conversation without her arguing. I have been strong when I needed to be and kept out of the pig pen. But I have made a lapse in judgment and hopped in the pig pen and watched her immediately seize the opportunity to call me "crazy" when that's how she looked to me THE WHOLE TIME. It is a level of disregard I did not think existed. I am 26. Very little family. Was in foster care from 12 to 19. I have been through alot. But being treated this way by somebody truly is one of the worst things I've ever experienced. I care. I try. I get walked on in return.
Brandon, cut your losses and get out. You have a good 50 years or more to have a Great life with a partner who values you for you. Don't stay in the pig pen ! 🤗🤗🤗🐕
Brandon Lott, you deserve the best relationship life can give you. This is a journey. I'm hoping you find a kindred soul ...that Anne of Green Gables line. Wasn't she the stormy one. Anyway,. This community here is an affordable way to find understanding folks. It's important to not be afraid of the future. Study this, get those red flags down pat. Then work on finding a true friend. It's still a beautiful world. Remember the meditation... Desiderata. Have a nice season of Thanks. We are never alone...in this community here.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 Thank you.
@@christineplaton3048 Amazing community. Amazing people. I am glad I found this channel.
Glad you’re here, Brandon! Keep listening. Keep learning. Keep working your way AWAY from narcissistic people. That is the way to the Light where you will find peace. You deserve it!!!
Breathe in.... Breathe out.... Going home to Chicago.... 1st time in 3 years, to stay a week. I am so ready and mindful ... growth mindset. I love me.
You got this! Best wishes to you! Dr. C
Safe trip Texas Orange 🧡 "growth mindset" is spot on, great approach and don't forget to laugh it off, take a walk, and find the one you're there for!
Once again Thank you!!!!! I am a safety coordinator in the construction industry.
I have had to deal with a Narcissist that is a site superintendent that physically and verbally assaulted me last Wed. Dec 1 2021
I filed a formal complaint with his company and every thing that i studied and researched came to fruition. This gave me the strength and foresight to avoid further conflict with this individual.
I am currently working to remove this person from the job. I feel this person is a danger to my fellow brothers and sisters and I am will to risk my career to eliminate this cancer from harming anyone else.
I was in a dysfunctional relationship for 8 years with someone who has all the hallmarks of a narcissist. I’ve lived thru this and it’s been damaging. I really wish I could find a loving partner who is good for me and vice versa.
I have been with my narcissist husband for 37 years. For the longest time i thought it must be me for the arguments he started. Always belittling me amongst other things. It wasn’t until recently that i started to do some research about behavior like this and found that he is exactly a narcissist. I have watched many of these videos for support. I finally realized after all those years that it wasn’t always me. I could never do anything right. He is a lot older now and i feel he may have gotten worse or is it the fact that i dont care to argue with him any longer and it agitates him? Thank you for bringing these videos as they are extremely helpful for me.
Why do you want to live another year “38” with that kind of treatment?
Haven’t you had enough now that you FINALLY understand him?
Time for you to be free and not have to deal with his issues. He doesn’t treat you with “love, honor, and respect” as he vowed to. His ego is too skewed to ever have known how.
Don’t waste the rest of your life dealing with and regretting staying with this jerk!!
@@user-hx7mi7ml8u agreed however, if she stayed that long , seems like a lifetime, she probably succumbs to it like Stockholm syndrome. Too bad , it keeps them from having the inner power to leave and even if they realize they lived a lie and left, they would return to their abusers.
I can relate. Similar wake up for me, after 28 years with mine.
@@usewisdom2 Not always. It is very hard to leave a narcissist. Initially you don't realize later on they become like devils. Even when you leave them they will make sure you remain of no use after that. I guess freedom from narcissist is only possible if they die.
"it wasn't always me"
It was never you.
Now, have fun on a new path. Put on the Rolling Stones and turn it up, my friend!!
You are right Dr.C. I know I need to take my power back, Speak peace =Say very little... Know peace = Don't argue... Strive for peace.. Control my emotions ....Live peace=feed myself not them. They love our energy. ✌🏾✌🏻✌🏽✌🏿☮️💯
What I used to do after one round of crazy argument is to say to the ex “what ever” and walk away. It drove him mad and he’ll say you know I am right that’s why you’re walking away. My response was “what ever”! Crazy people!!
Dr Carter I always stayed true to myself and even that lead to name calling from him. He would used my indifference to bait and push my buttons. Some days I got caught out and would bite the bait. Then I was called a nasty person and a bully. You just can’t win. In the end I lost all respect I had for him because I caught on he was a narcissist and he received my wrath when he pushed too far with his crazy arguments. In the end I kicked him out after one of his nonsense arguments. Enough!! 17 years of his abuse and making me emotional and physically ill- I was done. Filed for a quick divorce and told him not to contest it as I was done with his BS. No contest and 4 months later I was divorced from him this year. Good riddance to him. Unfortunately we have a 10 year old we co- parent so I keep mini no contact. To be honest I think he’s scared of me. Don’t mess with an Empath!!
I think underneath it all my husband is afraid of me too. Afraid I'll leave and he knows he needs me more than I need him. I'm disabled so it would be very hard for me but after we sold the house I'd get half and could probably live alone simply. That's fine with me as I require very little and only want a peaceful life. I believe a lot of my physical pain and continued problems would go away.
Wow! Fantastic! You got out & I’m so happy for you!
Right on girl
Us empaths get told all the time we are weak. But it takes strength to feel so much and we aren't dumb. So glad you finally took out the trash
When I want to say "I know you have a fragile sense of self" I know the narcissist will just double down. The truth hurts sometimes.
Who else agrees that Dr. C would be really cool to hang out and chill with?
I'd be honored. I have a very comfortable patio at home and I'd love to have a Friday night there with plenty of members of Team Healthy! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Oh my goodness!!!This would be so much fun.😁❤
@@SurvivingNarcissism Honored to have received a reply from you!
@Mary Carroll: Ahhhh, Dr. Gus, the Philosopher. I think he knows more than he’s telling! 🐾 ❤️ 🐾 Liz
I wish I'd married somebody like Dr. C.
They offer others a steady diet of negativity. Everything that comes out of their mouth is negative.
Over the last 5-6 years, I hadn't been able to put my finger on it but realised recently that my youngest son is narcissistic. He has all the behaviour's and its soul-destroying. My husband is intimidated by him and my son knows this. I hate what he does to me emotionally and has made me feel like a horrible mother. I look forward to him moving away from home. My eldest son has some traits as well. Have to admit, I've not really enjoyed motherhood.
I've watched quite a few of these videos now, becoming increasingly depressed at the discovery/recognition that I have been in this sort of relationship for 40 years. I feel I've lost my entire life to this person. I hadn't however realised that there were all the comments, and it would seem a community to engage with. I feel desperately sorry for anyone else who is in this situation, but a bit better for knowing I'm not the only one. I have no friends or family to turn to, so if I can talk to people here who understand what's going on I'm sure it will help.
Accountability for injuring me, albeit accidentally, amounted to the narcissist swiftly and viciously hurling the "you's" back at me with vitriolic lies, inaccuracies and accusations. So bizarre. It seemed like an unnecessarily cruel response. Thanks you, again, Dr. C., for clarifying the narcissistic use of this "you" tactic, it now makes sense. You have helped in my healing every step of the way for months now as I continue my recovery. The delightfully cute Gus helps too. Please give him an extra head pat from me.
Argue, and to appear tough, they go into a rage while they humiliate you. It was the straw that broke the camels back 4 years ago being tag teamed by my brother and mother. I walked away. It was the hardest thing I ever did taking it on the chin and not fighting back. It was the right decision but not very satisfying at the time. I got more work to do on myself cuz it still makes me angry I took that verbal beat down 😵💫
Tall Guy, I understand your feeling of frustration here, but I see YOU as a Champion! Not knowing your age, but your reaction required the maturity and self control that your relatives lack. I’m in a similar situation. Let’s continue to follow Dr Carter’s advice, I’m finding his talks very useful. Stay true to yourself.
@@e.conboy4286 thank you and good luck to you 😎
I’m 56. Been doing this since I can remember. Started looking into what was happening cuz it wasn’t working and nothing will ever change. Learned from these videos how to begin to handle it. I’m no contact and moved to another state. It feels good not having drama constantly, but it’s gonna take time to unravel it all after all those years 😎
Be proud of yourself. You did great, now onward with a new life. But be sure to use your discernment next time around before engaging with anyone else. Of course, we all need to work on ourselves and find out why we attract such creeps into our lives. Do shadow work, starting with learning self love
You'd feel much worse now if you had participated in their emotional lunacy. Maturity is not engaging them at their own level.
@@tallguy8937 remember what he’s telling us all they are manipulative and their explosive arguments out of nowhere would only get worse, the triangulation is horrible.. one of them is making lies up and the other follows and good chance they are both narcissistic! It’s absolutely disgusting behavior and they know what they’re doing, they love cutting others down to feel superior.. they aren’t superior and it’s bullying behavior
You, you, you! 1)"why can't YOU ever just agree with me!" In his mind, having my own opinion or not agreeing with his is a sign of disloyalty.
2)"Everything I do is for YOU!"
3) "YOU'RE not listening!" Usually what he says when he doesn't like what I'm saying.
4) YOU always or YOU never! Always speaks in nonsensical absolutes! Trying to discuss the simplest things with him has always been futile & emotionally draining.
I’m in the middle of divorcing my Narc and your work here has been so incredibly helpful! I cannot thank you enough. 💗From Alaska
Thanks Kelli. I wish you well in your time of transition. It can be stressful, but there is light on the other side! Dr. C
They need a say in every one of your choices and decisions.
I finally had to “no contact” My 51 year old daughter. It’s really sad but I cannot go on with her any longer. So if I have to spend my holidays without her it’s worth it. I just cannot tolerate her behavior any longer so I will not reward it.
Dear Jerrie Elaire. I am just about to no contact my daughter who is 47. Sick of being worn to a frazzle with her nit picking nasty comments on my opinions and my life. It has got to the point where I shudder at the thought of her coming into my home and I am now 74, quite healthy and I deserve some peace. Thank you so much for putting up your comment.
I'm 51 and free from a controlling narcissist mother. First Thanksgiving to not be around the manipulation and lies. A new beginning long overdue. Some parents are just horrible to their adult children.
My sister went as far as to turn my brothers and my sister-in-law against me by telling lies about me. When i confronted her about it she changed the subject and never did answer me.
Best explanation I've found.. how are people matching these traits so perfectly across the board?? Emotional weaklings.. so true.
Emotionally weak, fear based. How to teach them Emotional Intelligence? This is what they lack. The empathic person...feels and processes emotions, they are stoic with a lack of ability to connect to another with true care and concern.. it's all about them.
They can't be taught because they don't want to learn.
Felicia, they don't want to learn because they already know everything. You are supposed to bow before them and understand this!!!!? So, what IS YOUR PROBLEM? They are. And, they like to be your problem. I said to mine, you enjoy harassing me he said, " whatever it takes to get my way". With not a care in the world for what his shit sessions cost me.
Look up the word , sociopath. These people may act like they are listening, but the whole time they are convinced it's your fault and If anyone else knows what the problem is, they have to say something bad about you, convince them you are the problem and they are always working and providing everything you want,( that is such a joke )
It will never work with a narcissist, I think they don't have a heart .
They will start a fight over anything & everything
Don’t respond & Just walk away 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
IF you can
It’s SO hard to NOT respond because they are trying to draw you into an argument by saying things that are extremely untrue about you and you feel like you have to defend yourself !!!
Been involved in something horrible recently, the stress is unbelievable! Stood my ground and asked them to please leave , as they left this person threw nasties at me , I wouldn't afford them a reply . Was verbally attacked four different occasions in four weeks .its draining get rid of them !
The narcissist will also try to devalue or discredit things or people you like, which indirectly devalues you. They do this to make themselves feel superior to you. It's a dumb tactic, but that doesn't seem to stop them from trying it.
Thank you Dr. Carter. This was instructive message for the day where I epically failed. Everything is an argument or complaint. I have days where I am just exhausted. The only constancy is dysfunction which can be very tiresome.
They complain constantly and blame you for everything wrong in their life. I was married once before . In her sick mind, she considered me a cheater because I was married to someone else before her. This all long before I ever met her. What? My ex moved on and remarried and had a family with her new husband. Zero threat to her in our present relationship. She argues and complains and blames everyone else for her self made problems. It never occurred to her that maybe she is them problem. Zero accountability.
Love it... "Head for the exit." 😂😂🤣 That strategy is emotionally intelligent, dignified and works like a charm. Thank you! Trying to be rational and fair with this type of personality will have you going in circles like a dog chasing it's own tail. LOL!
Marguerite Baca,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
I wish we could all get together and have a anti-Narcissist meeting.
I'd love it. Dr. C
I think this counts =)
I recently just cut off my adult daughter. She accused me of all sorts of things just because I refused to cosign a loan for her. I had to cut her off because it was changing me in ways that's not healthy. I just told her she was right and that I'm sure there are many other things she could list. Then I told her she just made a really good case as to why we needed to go our separate ways and ended it with "take care of yourself". I didn't raise my daughter, her narcisstic mother did. She didn't even know I existed until she was eighteen. I've tried to have some influence in her life but after 14 years of trying it's become obvious that she's just using me. It truly is a sad and harsh reality to swallow.
Sadly we can not undo what we did or disnt do for our children when they were children, but I think q4 years of trying to be in her life in a capacity other then a bank card is enough, perhaps , you felt guilty and were enabling her?? This happens sometimes. Maybe at a later time, when she matures more, the two of you can resolve things. Either way, All is well. Sending good vibes. 💞💨💨💨❣❣❣
A sad state of affairs. It's hard to meet someone, and then things get ugly.
You Let go, that was the brave and right thing to do. We can’t keep letting the narc’s beat us up. It been about 20 years for me, & I’m finally realizing that waking up to what’s going on means letting go of the narcs. It’s not improving as I age, it’s getting worse, unfortunately.
@@Laura_McNamara HI Laura, it's hard for me to imagine a daughter being that way with her mother. My father was that way growing up, and my brothers got some of it, one more then the other as far as the Overt type Narcisism. I took on roll of caretaker of my sister and Mom sometimes. Later I did have some issues in life but I never spoke to either of my parents that way no matter what they had done . Is your daughter using drugs or drinking when she does that stuff?? Just curious?? Or is it just that she isn't getting her way or something else??
@@Laura_McNamara Its okay, Laura. The good Lord knows what’s in your heart, and how hard you tried…. and His love will never leave you. Being free of all their b. s. gives you time to grow close to Him.
As Dr. Carter has pointed out more than once, there is a delusional component to how narcissists view their actions.
I really do think that they misinterpret what's happening when people "back down" from their aggression.
They think they've won and that others fear them. I think that they think, it's worked for me in past; I'll keep doing it.
It's a strange thing to need to win over which color is prettier.
One can never win with people like this but you can win by walking away . Better to be along than with a person like this . They love to hear themselves talk so let them talk to themselves .
"end up like a dog that's been beat too much " same thing wordwide.
Thank you Dr. Carter
Very helpful video
I always feel that being truthful will solve or win the arguments but it does not. It is difficult not to argue especially when what is being said is not true.
I am exhausted. My 42 year old son argues and tells me he's just making valid points. There's no end to it. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. The flip side is he's my son. I love him. He's bi-polar and he can be so loving. But he's just trapped in that revolving door. Hes dragged me in there with him. First l suddenly lose the man l was to grow old with and then my son thinks he needs to be my savior aka my controller. So much for my golden years.
The last time I tried to have a conversation with my (now) ex.. She said "We don't have a problem... You ARE the problem."
I wish I knew this 60 years ago. My older brother and my mother went at it continually... It is the soundtrack of my life. This is pure gold.
At times, well in most cases with a narcissist, being the bigger person does not work at all.
It kept my ex_narcissist in my life to stay empowered completely. She found out how to push the envelope every time by me being the bigger person.
The only answer that works against a narcissist is to “not get involved with a narcissist in the first place”.
“No Contact” is the only effective way of dealing with them.
Narcissist are master at getting you to argue with them; master word-smiths and spinsters, who know how to draw you in to their madness by constantly moving the “goal post”. Beware!🧐
Gosh!! You are so right!! Everything you've just mentioned is true amongst the people I know. I know 6 people with the same trait and counting. Stay away is the only solution and it works. They are pathetic animals only waiting to be awakened.
I thought I was married to a control freak, a narcissist is so much more. I didn't know the difference till recently. I was married to one for 24 yrs. Every thing was my fault. Even pissing in front of the toilet even tho I have to sit down to pee. 🙄 Unfortunately my kids had to deal with my sadness in this marriage.
Our daughter has created an entire fantasy world, an utterly untrue version of her childhood. Our younger daughter absolutely tried in every way for years to tell her that’s not AT ALL the childhood she remembered.
Thank you, Doctor. I live with a narcissist who accuses me of being a narcissist. This drives me crazy. I know that's not true, but we get into what I call an infinity loop and the point/ counterpoint argument loses the original issue. Thank you so much for giving me tools to deal with her.
That's called projection. They accuse others of what they actually are.
Been dealing with this for about 20 years now with my mother I think it’s time to move out.
They lie to avoid dealing with themselves and they never apologize
When the narcissist in my life starts an argument based on my having a different opinion I simply state, "If two people always have the same opinion about everything, then one of us isn't necessary," and walk away.
Thanks so much Dr Carter. Thank you for walking this journey with us. It has cleared the path in more ways than you could believe possible. Team healthy is my safe space. Thank you.
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I’d like to know how to get an abusive Narcissist arrested. It took me SO many years to finally get the strength to make an escape plan and FINALLY promise to call the Police the next time he hit me (this all occurred about 7 weeks ago). I was terrified but when I saw the Police arrive to “save me,” I felt proud of myself; I felt like my nightmare was ending.. it didn’t last and it wasn’t ending. By the end of it, he had convinced TWO Cops (both men, which didn’t help since apparently men protect men) that I was “crazy” and had punched myself to get attention! How would I punch myself in the eye?? I thought there was NO WAY they’d believe him, but they did. They were so heartless… I BEGGED them to take him for a few hours & tried to tell them what would happen if they left him with me. They showed zero emotion other than acting as if I was wasting their time.. I gave up, sat down and shut up. They didn’t arrest him; they didn’t do anything. My eye was red, swollen and bleeding a little from a small cut from his ring and they left me there with him. Needless to say I was punished for calling them and I’ll never trust another Police officer again! I’m more hurt by the way they treated me than by him hitting me - I’m used to that and at least he leaves me alone for awhile afterwards (usually, bc I never call the Police). That was always my biggest fear and reason I never called 911 for help before- fear of him charming them into believing I was insane! I was right. They never took me seriously. I even had it recorded using a Domestic Violence app and the Cops refused to listen to it. I asked if I could get a restraining order and they couldn’t - or wouldn’t - help me, I forget the reason they gave me. All I know is they wouldn’t arrest him and actually seemed mad at me for calling! I avoid arguments with him but my escape plan was supposed to begin the moment they took him to jail when he hit me again. Thanks to his charisma and the ability to stay calm while I was sobbing and begging them to help (bc I was terrified and had just been hit) he convinced the Police that I was crazy. I can’t make another escape plan and risk it going wrong again… he’ll kill me.
If you’re a Cop who’s reading this, your “brothers in blue” are going to be responsible for my death and maybe others. I’ll never trust any of you again. I had ONE SOLID chance to escape that day. I had a bag packed and hidden with almost $800 I SLOWLY managed to save up over about a year and it was all for nothing because 2 Cops had something better to do or couldn’t be bothered to help me. But maybe you can learn the signs of Narcissists and how charming and good liars they are, or how they twist things and make their victims appear like the ones who have problems or are “crazy.” They are SO good at what they do… What hope do I have of escaping when he’s so good that even when I’m bloody & bruised he can convince the Cops that I’m the problem?! Police need to be better educated and realize that sometimes a woman is “acting crazy” and sobbing because she is tired of the abuse, NOT because she’s clinically “crazy.”
Add me to the millions of Americans who no longer trust the Police. Most specifically a department near Indianapolis. You guys failed me, embarrassed me, made me feel stupid and got my finger broken as my “special” punishment for calling you that day trying to get to safety. Bend your finger to the side until it breaks and think of me and all the other women who depended on you for rescue, but instead watched you walk away.
I’m sure no one read all of this… I just wanted to leave a message just in case.
Yes mine convinced two female young lawyers that he was a charming angel . He secured everything just by lying.
Always feel well immediately when I see Gus.