Heyyy! First video back after the birth vlog ahh! :) Please let me know in a comment where you're at with this (motherhood/parenthood). Do you have kids? Do you want them? Not want them? Can't have them/are considering adoption or fostering or egg freezing etc? Not sure yet? I love hearing from you guys and reading about where you're all at in your lives! xxx
I don’t know as I’m single and focusing on my career. But met my friends’ new(ish) baby today, and he’s a cute, calm chunk of a 4 month old. And babies kind of like me, at least other people’s babies - I might just be the best auntie 😂
@@mysteryman7047 no! 99% of us are self employed. We can technically stop working for as long as we want if we’ve enough saved to cover ourselves financially however it’s a big gamble. Any time a UA-cam pal of mine takes maternity leave (even just a few months) they return to less views and less brand deal offers etc, butttt it’s a privileged position to be in being an established content creator. I’m able to work part time but I can earn enough to pay myself a full time wage. Literally can NOT complain even when it gets super stressful trying to work from home with kids!
I am pregnant for the first time at age 43. So yes I worked on my career and advanced degrees throughout my 20s and 30s. I always wanted kids but was too busy. So now I hope to slow down and back off of work a bit. The video was great!
I'm not sure if this sounds strange bc I've never said it out loud before -- I think I would rather help raise someone else's kids than have my own. When I hear the phrase "it takes a village," being a person in that village feels much less scary than taking on the full responsibility of being a parent. I think it's important for every child to have an adult that they trust completely who isn't their parent, and (at least for now) that's who I want to be.
I really don’t think this sounds strange at all! ❤️ A lot of people would prefer to just be an aunt or an uncle, or to foster or to mind children etc! And it’s a beautiful beautiful thing! Non-parents can have SUCH important roles in the lives of little ones! Xxx
I feel the exact same! I think I was born to be an aunt, I can’t even imagine being a mother. I love providing a safe loving space for my nephews and nieces
This really hit home for me. I love my little niece and I'd love to be an important figure in her life but I can't really picture myself having my own children.
One of the best questions to ask ourselves is : “ Can i handle being a single parent ?” . Because you never know if you’ll have your partner for the rest of your life.
Just that thought alone scares me, also knowing the things kids can get into, without having the eye and protection of adults, my only sister is a single mom of two and damn they could have gotten themselves killed or seriously injured, if it was not for her, the kids and us her close family members, constantly looking out for them and shielding them from hazards.
The way I knew for sure I didn’t want to have kids was when I had an absolute panic about growing older and having no one to look after me. That was the only situation in which not having kids upset me, which was a clear indication I had no interest in having kids, except out of fear. And I think we can all agree that is a terrible reason to have kids.
That is one of the worst reasons to have children - to have free caregivers. I could never expect my children to give up on their lives to take care of me.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 as I said, ABSOLUTELY not a reason to have children! But definitely something to think about when deciding not to have them. To be aware of the importance of other relationships! In the past before contraception people couldn’t really decide against it (unless they chose celibacy, rare that) so we don’t yet know what a world of childless elderly folk looks like! My hope is that childless people really work hard to bond with nieces, nephews and that they become friends with younger generations
I totally second this! And it horrifies me to see the amount of parents that raise children in the prospect that they will ''owe'' them some sort of care when they grow older....
Same here. As a nurse, I've seen people in need outlive their children - so it's never any guarantee. I also have a cousin who had 2 children and lost them both by the time she was 50. Again, having children for that reason is selfish to begin with, and may or may not pay off later like someone might assume or hope.
I appreciate this. I am 37 and when I was maybe 31 realized I absolutely do not want children. I want THE IDEA if children. I want the cute parts- I want to make them, I want the IG photos, etc., but I feel proud of and calm ness that I was able to differentiate the two.. there are alot of wonderful parents out there; but equally, there are a lot of wonderful people who recognize when it’s not for them.
A person once said they wouldn't have children because they already raised their parents/catered for their emotional needs so by adulthood, felt they'd already been a parent so wouldn't have the mental energy to do it again. Definitely resonated and I think it's an interesting reason to not have children
That is totally my case as well. They still expect me to take care of them emotionally but I decided to go to therapy. I don't want to give up on having my own children only because of this.
This is me as well. I’ve had to navigate language translating and being an immigrant family. When asked why I don’t want kids, one of the many reasons is that I’m exhausted and I haven’t had a moment to live for myself.
Same. My parents have a terrible marriage and are both emotionally immature and i grew up hearing them scream and and id have to tell them to stop and I'd cry. Now im 30 and my parents are still together cuz my moms codependent and has no job. Shes 65 and cant work anymore so she stays together with my dad. Still at age 30, i have to listen to my parents fighting and my mom crying to me. I do not want children because i have to deal with my parents. They are grown children.... Thankfully I live with my boyfriend, but he has 2 dogs. They are also way too much work for me. I just have too much trauma to care for other things besides myself. It seems selfish, but thats what happens when you have a bad childhood. So yeahhh, i can't have kids. Nor can i afford them.
@@Sar_bear77 I appreciate the blunt honesty and relate in many ways. I hope that your trauma can be become healed or unstuck over time, and I hope that for me, too! Kids or no kids, we all need that.
You know what? I'd never heard this argument before and, having done so, I understand my childhood and my attitude to children. One of the reasons I live alone is that I've finally found a sense of freedom. (Both my parents were abusive narcissists - no joke.)
I think that if you decide to have a child, try to own that decision and don’t submit to fleeting feelings of regret. If you choose not to have kids, same thing. Own your decision and don’t give the transient feeling of regret any power. We will ALWAYS look back at our lives and wonder how things would have played out if we made a different decision. But it’s fruitless to give those thoughts any power. For example, if you decide not to have kids, you may imagine a different life with the perfect spouse, house, kids and picket fence. But the reality is, having kids could have hurt your marriage, your kids may have had serious mental or physical illnesses, being pregnant may have caused you or your partner lasting harm, your child may not be a very good person and you could have found yourself being financially responsible for their entire lives, etc... I apologize if I’m not articulating this well, I just think that mindset is more important than the actual choices we make in life. Living with gratitude and owning my choices has given me unbelievable peace, so I’m just hoping to pass on this knowledge to others in the “fence sitter” community.
I feel like I always knew I wanted to be a mum, and having my daughter has just confirmed it to me that it was the right choice for us, as the love and enjoyment and laughter I feel when I'm with her is utterly overwhelming. HOWEVER, I do wish someone had given me a reality check on parenthood before I dove straight into it so young. I don't regret my decisions for one second, but I do think being clearer on what I would have to give up of my own identity and understanding that it's not a decision to be taken lightly is a really important one!
There is a lot of trauma in this conversation for someone like myself (was bought up by poor parents, where my mum was a carer for her disabled mother). Seeing the hardship of parenthood and also being a carer made me feel very traumatized to the idea of both having children (it looked so difficult to raise kids when you don't have money and when you have other huge responsibilities), but also the thought of never having children (my grandma never having the care and love of her daughters and grandchildren from her accident she incurred in her early 40s) ruins me. I often feel completely trapped of what to do. I suffer badly with OCD linked with the trauma of growing up around someone disabled and in need of care for 30+ years as the result of an accident, and the impact that has on a family. My family is also SO close and loving, I desperately want to continue that love. Videos like this are good for me to keep questioning, even if it is really really really hard and overwhelming. These choices are often dictated so heavily by fear instead of hope due to our experiences, the world we live in and what we see of parenthood in both our real lives and the media. Sorry for the heavy subject matter - just needed to get it out somewhere.
I can definitely relate. I grew up as an only child to a single mother, and my grandmother lived with us for a number of years in her 80s before a few accidents where we decided she had to get more care in a home. My mom lived off one salary and we got by but money was always a stressor. I feel a little bit scarred because of knowing how hard it is to raise a child financially, emotionally.. and I truly feel stuck in fear on whether my husband and I should have kids or not. I'm also in student debt, working full time and living with my mom still, trying to save for a home and so close to just renting. :( A lot of things feel uncertain, and I constantly ask myself if I'm capable.
I had a difficult upbringing too that has brought a lot of anxiety into thoughts of having children. I am 32 years old and feel like I am running out of time if I want children. I like the idea of them but am scared of the reality.
I agree. Trauma and being able to regulate your own emotions is a huge part of parenting and creating secure attachment and not unconsciously passing on trauma to children. Also, even if at the time you make a decision to do something, because life is impermanent, your life circumstances can always change unexpectedly so reflecting upon that is important too because parenting won't stop because of that. Also, for children who had childhood trauma and ACEs as psychology identifies it (adverse childhood events), parenting can trigger all those memories and also ACEs might have set you back from achieving life milestones that your peers have like catching up financially and health wise physically and mentally so all this is a factor in parenting and continuing to heal yourself and parent your inner child. I don't think parenting should be reserved for only rich or privileged people especially under a system of capitalism where race is a hierarchy and neither do I subscribe to the ideology of scarcity of the earth's resources when wealth white men hoard the majority of resources. So holding power to account with knowledge of ecological justice in the context of class, race and privilege is important and going vegan and individual actions only go so far because we need binding rules to hold corporate polluters to account. Also in my experience parenting mixed race children is a whole other conversation about parenting and unschooling them on the ways of the world and oppressive systems which otherwise unconsciously bias them and their development and happiness. It's about each person seeing and believing in and awakening to their own inner dignity and power as a human being and then living authentic lives where moment by moment even if they do fail sometimes to do so because of trauma or just human frailty, they do strive to live in accord with their inner wisdom where they decide their own future not the narrative or delusions of society. It actually takes a lot of courage to silence the cacophony of outside voices and obligations to listen to that inner voice and know and act with what is your own inherent wisdom. And even then our decisions can only ever be made in the present without any guarantee as to the future so yes parenting is a huge commitment and each person will parenting according to their own values and experiences and background.
Dr Gabor Mate has a lot of talks about addiction which encompasses what we think of as addiction as well as a broad definition of addiction and healing childhood trauma and parenting that is very insightful and actually healing in itself to know you aren't broken and can work towards healing or wholeness and begin exploring how to access resources foe example if you are poor and can't afford therapy
I'm a childfree person and always love these kinds of videos. Having children shouldn't be an inevitability or a passive decision since it's such a huge life change. It's great to see it being discussed! I've also learned a little bit more about the appeal of having children from this video. :)
When I got pregnant with my daughter nearly 13 years ago I was absolutely obsessed with the notion of having a baby. It felt like a biological urge. When I had my daughter I was not prepared for the overwhelming feeling I had of responsibility. It was the scariest and most all encompassing feeling I had ever experienced. That feeling gradually diminished. However, being a parent is still the most worrying and anxiety inducing thing I have and will ever experience. My daughter was diagnosed with autism in august last year. I myself am also recently autistic diagnosed. So many of my anxieties make sense now I know I am neurodivergent. Some people seem to take to parenthood so easily. I was not one of those people. I was lucky my husband was such a natural. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but if I had known how hard it is I’m not sure that I would have made the same choice. I know that might sound awful to some people, but I can assure you my daughter is always the top priority and is loved and adored. It’s just not something I could have ever been prepared for.
"You can have it all - just. not. at. the. same. time." this is such an important point. Thanks for this vid, Melanie 💗 I know in my heart I want children but I'm always pulled back a little by the idea that hobbies/travel/alone time with my partner will go by the wayside, but that's okay cos it won't be some permanent sacrifice. It's so toxic that women are told we can have it all simultaneously - that's f-king science-fiction! 😧x
I'm a 33 year old fence sitter and feeling more pressure than ever to hop off onto one side or the other. The book "The Baby Decision" by Merle Bombardieri is worth a read for anyone agonizing over this big & important choice. Thanks for sharing your perspectives in this video!
Can second that book.. still on the fence but there are very practical suggestions to help make a decision. Very comforting advice too that whatever your choice, you will make the best of it. And whatever your choice, there will be some regrets, just different types of regrets.
31 year old and a fencesitter.. having my days of yes and few confusing days of what if.. sometimes gets frustrating, lime why can't I be sure of one thing.. 😂
I'm an Irish 32-year-old woman, just beginning a period of remission from stage IV cancer. An experimental drug saved my life but taking it was a complete gamble and we still don't know why it worked for me. I have absolutely no desire to have children, even though I no longer have active disease. I feel like if I didn't have the excuse of stage IV cancer as the reason for not having children, I wouldn’t get away with avoiding people's questions about whether I'll have a baby or not as easily - but even with this SOLID reason, people are so feckin nosy 😅 like, I shouldn't have to use the cancer card to placate people's inappropriate curiosity 😆 its fascinating to hear your thoughts on this. Its so great to see conversations about this becoming less taboo. Thanks for this, Melanie!
@@npkrn6764 It's an absolutely legitimate question. You can ask why someone does not want kids or why they do. Don't know why it shocks or baffles people.
im 26 and kids are all ive ever wanted. thank you for keeping it real! all the love to all the ladies in the comments, the mothers to be and those who choose not to pro create, all the love ladies. it takes all kinds of us to rule the world xxxx
I really appreciate how considerate you are towards those of us who are childfree and happy to be so, and I am very happy for you that you have children you love and wanted to have. Loved the video and glad you're back on UA-cam posting again. :)
I’m 31 and have never felt the desire to have children. I just can’t picture it as being part of my life. It’ll probably sound awful, but there isn’t a single thing about it that appeals to me 😂 I just see myself living happy, travelling and enjoying myself. A lot of people I know who work in care homes say that the majority of people in the homes actually have family, most don’t bother visiting so I have to disagree with the whole “there’ll be no one to look after you when you’re older” thing. Also I wouldn’t burden a child by making them feel responsible for looking after me when I’m old.
I will say that is true but you still end up in a home potentially either way. At least for holidays and things they are more likely to stop by and the alternative which is no one… though not a reason to have kids . But I hate the whole kids are the worst thing ever train. I would NEVER want to be a burden on my daughter I’m made healthier life style changes and got into better shape for this reason. My husband and I plan to get ALF and nursing home insurance just in case. I think having kids just so they can take care of you when you’re old is shit. However, I do think holidays etc mean so much more in life when you get to see them from the eyes of a child and be able to raise them right and see them turn out to be good people. It’s not guaranteed they would be good people BUT I do think if time is heavily invested in the early years there is a very good chance. It has given me a new perspective on life that I do believe has made me a better person. Just some thoughts ❤ I’ve also had patients that their adult kids help and it’s amazing and beautiful and you can tell they raised them right
@@Hiya799 but it's okay that to some people it is the worst potential lifestyle choice to make. It can be the absolute best thing for someone and the absolute worst thing to someone else. It shouldn't be seen as good or bad whether someone wants kids or not. Why does it matter if someone kind of doesn't want kids or really absolutely 100% doesn't want them? The outcome is the same. The decision to have kids should be met with neutrality, not with a judgement of value.
The hardest thing about being a parent for me is that you have to plan everything. Like literally everything. If you want a few hours for yourself, you have to get a babysitter. If you’re gonna go grocery shopping - fixing a diaper bag, getting the kids ready, dealing with a baby crying and a toddler wanting to run off. 😅 It’s hard man. But there’s many beautiful moments that make it worth the hard ones. ❤ All the hugs, cute conversations, seeing little humans getting bigger and smarter - learning so much. My multitasking skills have improved a ton. 😅 I’m also liking the less ego version of myself.
This is a topic that's been on my mind lately and it's insane this video is here. I appreciate the whole movement for childlessness in life and think it's important for people to have choices. For me though, 31 and one toddler, I always knew I wanted children but the whole thing of being child free was so prevalent and loud (not in a bad way, it needed to be) that no one told me how amazing being a mum was going to be. Like you say, it's a core life experience that is unlike anything else. I never thought I would be this fulfilled and satisfied with what before I would class as mundane things. Having my kitchen clean, getting all the laundry done, getting the floors vacuumed lol it's crazy to think about. You really do strive to be the best version of yourself for another person.
The love I feel for my child is so immense and beautiful. I spent the first few years of my life in an orphanage and didn’t truly experience unconditional love until I had my child. Just my experience. I think everyone should choose what is right for them ❤️
I'm the daughter of a mother with a similar experience (spent her early childhood years in an orphanage). She always said I was her first real attachment/bond and how grateful she was/is to have had me.
Thank you so much for this video 🥰🥰 I think I’m a fence sitter bc many of the negatives of parenthood seem built in - the sacrifices of time, money, constant worry etc - but few positives are guaranteed. Will you like each other? Will they want to take care of you? Will they be okay for their whole lives?! Or will you need to spend the rest of your life caring for that child around the clock, or will they be a sociopath …. It just feels like literally nothing is guaranteed and it’s hard to imagine making that gamble when there are clear unavoidable downsides to begin with
Melanie, I cannot thank you ENOUGH for this video. 💖 It was so helpful and thoughtful and really means a lot to me. I turn 27 in March, get married in June and I am totally the fence sitter this video was made for. Currently my fiancé and I are leaning towards No to kids but we’re not sure if our minds will change as we age. This video really helped give me a framework to start thinking on and provided great points towards both sides.
I'm 26, have a 10 week old and have always known I wanted a baby but only in the past few years have been sure I wanted to be a mother ( I think there's a distinction). It really has been the making of me even though it's been hard. On the other hand, my best friend has always known she doesn't want children, she wants to be there as an 'auntie' for her friends kids. It's brilliant, she's so loving towards my daughter and my friend is perfectly happy being Auntie not Mam.
I've always imagined myself having children, but I got diagnosed with ADHD last year at 25, and some days it feels like I can barely take care of myself. Even though I know I have the capacity to be a great parent and teacher to a little human, it's so scary to think of trying to manage my own internal turmoil at the same time as my children, who will likely also have ADHD since it's prevalent in my family. I definitely need a few years to sort myself out, but I hope in that time I can learn enough to support my future children in ways my parents didn't support me when I was young.
I turn 28 on Wednesday and engaged. Completely on the fence. I was so sure I wanted children, but the closer I get the more the reality of that hits me. So difficult 🤔
no need to make that choice now especially if you're on the fence. If you're willing to go through the hell of egg retrieval and have to money to do it or your country's healthcare covers it, that could be a better option if you're still on the fence by the time you're 35. But honestly if you're a fence sitter it's probably best not to seek it out in my opinion, let fate take that part over, like if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't, happy either way. The only thing you'd need to do it stop birth control (or your partner) or whatever if you decide to got that route. If you're in a same sex relationship you obviously can't do it like this, you kinda have to make a definitive decision because then doctors and stuff start getting involved.
It's the same for me. I wanted kids so much last year and now I'm not sure whether I'm ready to live all my life with my fiancé and have children together or not...
Mel, I feel like you’re reading my mind. Last night, my Mom asked me when I’d be having kids (for the trillionth time) and wanted to remind me that time is ticking. I’m only recently 31 years old and I’ve felt an IMMENSE pressure to have children my entire adult life by my family. I am an only child and I’ve constantly felt the need to give my parents (primarily begging mother) a grandchild. I feel guilty that if I don’t, who will? I’ve struggled with mental health issues since I was a child & I worry that although I know I’d be a wonderful mother, sometimes I’m scared I’m not mentally fit to take care of another person fully. Thank you for this video… it’s nice to know that other women also struggle with this decision.
I definitely think having a kid to please a parent is a bad idea and it makes me so sad that so many feel pressured before they are ready 😭 My mam asked me all the time when I was in my early 20s because in her day that’s when they all started families! I think she was only 21 having me so I understood it but it was hard to explain how times had changed and I know she was just worried I would miss the boat x
As a child of someone who has mental health issues. It is extremely hard from this side. You pick up on everything. Don't do it unless you're stable by yourself. Because sd og now I am my mom's life line, supporter, reason to live. And the pressure is unfair.
For me, I’m so glad I went through a few years of not being sure & changing my mind after always wanting children. It has made the decision to ultimately become a parent now so much calmer because I know I’ve seriously considered it all!
This is me 1000%. I always thought I'd have children, then I finished my degree, started working, and the older I got the more uncertain I was. Being a fence sitter is agonising. I have a wonderful husband, finished my masters, did a little bit of traveling, and now at 32, I genuinely feel like I'm ready to have kids. I'm thankful that I had a good 6-7 years of uncertainty and have FINALLY come to a decision 😊
If you're questioning being a parent, adopt a high maintenance pet and see how you feel! I've learned a lot about being a mum from getting my rabbit: spending hours every day teaching him things, building trust, giving him a routine, constantly balancing his needs with mine, taking care of him over and over again when he gets sick, feeling guilty because I feel like I should be doing more, etc. Rabbits are not for everybody, but if you do get one, expect to be putting in as much effort if not more than you would with a dog. It's basically like having a perpetual toddler for 5-10 years. They are some of the most difficult creatures to train and they are prone to illness (GI stasis). But they are also some of the cutest creatures out there. ❤️🐰
@@nicolcacola I never said they were. But high maintenance pets are a great stepping stone toward having kids. They teach you responsibility, empathy, prioritizing a living creature other than yourself, balancing your needs vs. theirs, discipline and bonding habits, and managing feelings of guilt.
@@nicolcacola Also teaching them language! My rabbit knows 30+ human words. It's been interesting and challenging teaching him to listen and understand.
cause of my traumatic childhood decided not to have one. Decided to focus on healing myself , learning important skills and teach them to my sibling`s kids.. no point for me to breed since I never wanted kids. Id rather help my sis financially with her kids + be protective towards other people`s kids if ever see them in trouble. I prefer kids to be born in families who understand what parenthood is and they genuinely WANTED them. I dont want to pass abuse on the next generation so it will end with me and I wish to do something good with the time I have.
I'm 37 this year and I didn't have my first baby until last year. In my twenties kids wasn't even a thought in my head, I wasn't even sure if I wanted them, but as I reached my 30s I started seeing families about and started wanting one of my own. It wasn't until I met the right guy that I started a family. Sometimes just meeting someone can change your mind, I'm so glad I enjoyed my 20s like I did as children take up so much of your life and I was far too selfish back then. It's very important to be able to be selfless if you're to have children, it's not something to take lightly, too many people have children out of selfish reasons, but these children grow up to be adults with issues.
I've been watching your videos since I was 19 and I love them, they bring me such joy! I'm 26, and don't really feel like I'll be able to make a decision about this for many many years. There's so many factors, like finances and whether I'll still be in a stable relationship when I do become financially stable. I do feel quite terrified at the idea of it, and unwilling to relinquish my freedom. But at the same time I feel like I will definitely regret not having a child when I am older. Not only because I have quite a small family and I think I would really like to have the chance to create a family of my own , but because I am so curious about the experience of pregnancy and parenting. Maybe curiouslty is a bad reason though! but it's my main reason for doing most things haha
Thanks for this open perspective, Mel. We need to normalise the choices here and acknowledge not everyone finds themself in suitable circumstances to parent - even if they’d like to. All pathways have merit and all humans have value regardless of their familial status.
You are such a lovely person inside and out and this video made me laugh and even tear up a little in parts, so thank you for that! 💜 I'm 39 and just made it to 25 weeks today. We are really looking forward to meeting our daughter, but I want to be sure I'm mentally prepared, as someone who always thought I'd never have kids. You are so right-- the love and the worry I feel for her already is so real.
I'm the only one of my friends and cousins who has children and when they ask me about children I tell them they shouldn't have them. I love mine to death and even want more but I truly think if you're on the fence, you might as well not have them. You could always foster, adopt or just help your friends and family with their children instead but bringing someone into the world is a big decision that I don't think most people understand the scope of. Like you said, you're creating the world's new society which is an immense deal. The weight of that alone motivates me everyday to be the best mom I can be
I'm 25 and I have no family and friends who all go away for Christmas' ect. It's genuinely okay. There's such a lot of fear given out during this conversation but I promise that if you have children purely for the purpose of not being alone, they will notice. It can't be the only reason for having a child
I 100% agree! That’s why I said I don’t think this should ever be why someone has a child - doing so from a place of fear is a terribleee idea. & why I mentioned how it’s a thing that there are parents and kids that don’t get along. Though regarding being fine with spending holidays alone I do think this is very personality dependent which is why it’s something for each individual to consider xx
My parents are out of luck. My brother is hardly ever in the country and I may be moving to the USA. Children are not a guarantee for not being lonely...
I can tell you first hand there are people who never should have been parents. I wished almost every day, as a child, to not exist. I didn't understand why I was born and why do I have to do all these things my parents want me to do. I felt irrelevant. As a child, I always imagined myself living in a cozy tiny apartment in London, alone, single, with 3 cats. Having a huge career, child free. Two years ago I met my now partner and something changed. I feel safe. I feel like this is right and the thought of starting a family together somehow appeared in my mind. So I think for me, it was my environment that influced me greatly.
Ok so I won’t be finishing that video right now cause I opened it during a night feed and am just after putting the baby back down. But OH MY GODDESS I love the format with the two Melanie’s and your acting skills! I mean I could believe these were two different people with great alchemy! Can’t wait to finish it (probably in a couple hours)!
As a fence sitter approaching 30 in the next few months I appreciated this video! It’s nice to hear someone speak so positively about parenthood - it seems it’s become almost unfashionable these days. While I have huge concerns for the climate I am a firm believer that we have the capacity to innovate and also that over population is not the problem but rather extreme capitalism. It occurred to me while watching this video that it’s capitalism that is also linked to many of the downsides to having children and to not having them (basically misery in general). As you said, since childrearing is not considered real labour many families struggle to support themselves. If we had more of a village mentality not only would parents get more help with such challenging work but those who choose not to have children would be a part of the community and would never fear being alone when they are old or on the holidays. I think if we had more of a community mindset in general the choice would be a lot easier. I loved what you said about how motherhood takes away any petty/self absorbed anxieties - I love the idea of obliterating my own ego and living first and foremost for others. But again, that can be achieved by trying to be more involved with my community.
Great video Melanie, you're a fab Mammy!! I'm on the other side of parenthood now with my kids all grown up and married. I miss those toddler years with my kids more than you can imagine. Just as I'm adjusting to the empty nest along comes a granddaughter! I'm so delighted that I get to experience all of the new baby love all over again! I know you won't believe me when I tell you , but it's even more joyful experiencing all of those things you spoke about with your children's children! I never regretted for a single day having children 💚💚💚
These comments are so sweet. I just turned 25 and people around me are starting to get married and have children. I've known since I was about 20 that i definitely do not want to have kids. The older I get the less I want them. The thought of being pregnant and having a baby is an unimaginable terror. I am so glad I live in this day and age where I have the choice not to become a mother. I just wish people would stop constantly bugging me about my decision to be childfree. I notice my male counterparts do not get the same inappropriate questions.
I'm in my late 30s and I've never wanted children and feel grateful for the fact - not only have I not had the pressure of making a decision and the fear of making the right/wrong one that goes with it but also the cards I've been dealt would make being a parent really difficult (health problems and dysfunctional family among other things!) Fortunately my partner doesn't want children either and we live a very nice relaxing life where our time outside of work is filled with hobbies, self improvement, seeing friends, learning new skills and just generally doing what we fancy. I cannot imagine sacrificing these things unless you are absolutely certain that being a parent is what you want with the same certainty that I feel knowing it isn't for me. I wish everyone who is agonising over making this huge decision well and that you all find the right path for yourselves, whichever side of the fence you land on :)
I'm earlier 20s and don't know if I want kids. I have this strong conviction that having children should be a very actively thoughout decision. I'm the oldest and my mom had me at 32, which was on the older side in the 90s. I know that she took a few years to come to the conclusion that she wanted kids and during that time the option of not having kids was thoroughly considered. In the end she actively chose to have me and my siblings and I really applaud and appreciate her for it
I’ve always wanted to be a mother more than anything but I have to give that dream up due to chronic illness and disability. I wasn’t expecting the grief to hit me so hard at 30 but it comes in waves and feels like drowning. I know maybe when I’m older I might be in a different place and more physically capable but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high. I’m grateful to to get to take care of and love two adorable kitties. It’s not the same as a human baby but they’re still my babies 😅
I am so sorry you’ve had to face such an enormous mental challenge 💔❤️ That’s such a weight and will probably be so difficult to process - maybe a life’s work. Being a parent to an animal is a big, big deal and all of that maternal love inside you will come out in those relationships … the bonds between pets and their owners can be incredible and I’m so glad you can experience that connection! Xxx
What I am tired of hearing is «having kids is selfish» or «not having kids is selfish». Does it matter? NO. I don’t understand why people care and have such strong opinions on what other people choose to do with their lives, when it actually doesn’t affect anyone else. Having children is the most natural thing, as well as not having children. Some people can’t have children even if they try. There’s no right or wrong here! ❤
Melanie you are beautiful inside and out! Motherhood makes you shine even brighter ❤️ such a thoughtful, compassionate and honest video for people on all sides. As someone who decided long ago that I want to have children, I really enjoyed watching this. Thank you for inspiring me all these years, you have helped me in ways you don't even know. ❤️
I was always the sort of child who referred to her dolls as her “sisters” - didn’t want the responsibility even at the age of 6! 😂 in all seriousness though, I’ve always known I don’t want kids, but my two biggest struggles right now are the guilt I feel of “robbing” my parents of the chance to be grandparents, and the fear of my friendships falling away as more of them start having children. While the decision is right for me 100%, the fear of how that decision can impact other aspects of your life is scary!
I didn’t even think about that! The weight of the guilt of ‘robbing’ parents of that particular experience … even though it’s unnecessary guilt I’m sure that knowledge doesn’t help if a parent is desperate to be a grandparent! Xxx
I know exactly how you feel! When I was younger everyone was babysitting kids (even my brother), and I never wanted to, and never did. I watched after peoples' pets when they went out of town lol THAT'S what I wanted to do 🤣 And now my parents desperately want to be grandparents, and I know my brother will have kids and give them that experience, but my mom says it's different when it's your daughter. And I totally understand that, but that guilt doesn't seem like a good enough reason to uproot your entire life to me with something you've never wanted in the first place. With that said, almost ALL our friends are currently on their first, second, or third kids, right now and I do feel everything changing. That definitely sucks, but again, having kids so that you don't get fomo or so that you can relate to other people and have common ground to talk about doesn't seem like a good decision either. I watched the movie Defending Your Life this weekend and it's about having to defend your decisions you've made throughout your life through a lense of fear, and if you were able to overcome fear to do what you really wanted to do. Definitely shifted my perspective on quite a few things! TLDR; I feel you lmao
Robbing your parents??? That's ridiculous and NOT your responsibility. Don't let anyone guilt you into irreversible decisions in YOUR life for THEIR desires. That's rather self-centered on their part. We ALL have a right to make our own choices.
A little trick here which worked great for me and my mom: if you have any friends who are having babies, introduce your parents to said friends. My mom has become "third grandma" to a former schoolmates kids. My mom looks after those kids at least one evening per week while the parents take care of stuff on their farm. The kids love her, she spoils them, and she's complete stopped talking to me about having kids.
re:the writing prompts. I'm freshly out of a 4+ year relationship where we had opposing views on this issue(he wanted kids, I didn't, over the years it was a push and pull of him saying he was fine without them (and i believed it) and him secretly hoping i'd change my mind, etc.). A couple years back, we were going through a Time and I was so in love that I convinced myself that I DID want kids, like I was totally ok. I'd thought about it, I wanted them now, I loved him so much that I was willing. But then over the next month or two I just became overwhelmed with feelings of dread and fear and just absolute endless anxiety. He'd mention how our next apartment would need to have an extra bedroom for the future baby, all of these little things, until I finally broke down and confessed that I was just lying to myself and to him. Honestly I don't know that I've ever felt a more all-encompassing amount of dread and anxiety than I did when I realized what I'd "gotten myself into". so yeah tl;dr i basically imagined how I'd feel if i did have them/did want them and my body and brain said no lol
Omg thank you SO much for sharing this! I imagine there are people reading these comments in relationships who are pretending they do or don’t want kids because they want to keep their partner - it’s so common! 😭❤️
I’m 31, married and a woman of colour - currently heavily pregnant with my first baby. I’ve always been quite maternal as I’m the oldest of 3 siblings, getting a dog made me even more motherly! I wasn’t sure about having kids, for me a major turn off was when after getting married family members kept asking WHEN we were going to have kids. We are happy with our decision and I feel so protective over this little girl In my womb, however i don’t think enough is done to support mothers in the UK. I’m taking a year off work, maternity pay is pants and I’m already worrying about childcare. My elderly father in law is keen to look after baby girl when I have to go back to work (we don’t earn enough for me to take more time off) and I want to tell him to shove it! I want to raise baby the way me and my husband choose, not in an old fashioned manner. My husband bless his heart is lovely but can’t do anything for himself he was pampered and coddled growing up - I don’t want these things being passed on 😭. I didn’t have a baby for somebody else to raise!
A potential option, not the funnest one, but one that gives you a high degree of control on how your child is raised in the early years is working an opposing schedule to your partner, so you see each other less but your child is always care for by you or your partner.
Only 10 minutes in but thank you so much for making this video. 🧡 You're attempting a tough subject matter and also trying to be objective in your message, taking into account different situations.
I used to work in a very fast paced restaurant that was very clearly not meant for children. A full bar, crazy loud music, people crammed in the waiting area like sardines… it always baffled me that despite this, adults would bring their freaking newborns in strollers to this cramped, dim, smoke-filled borderline nightclub. When you become a parent and don’t have the village of support so many describe needing, you really do have to give up your old ways to accommodate for your child. The adults I would see taking their bottle-fed children to my place of work clearly never grew out of their old mentality. I think it’s in part due to social media, and how people are more paranoid about getting old than ever. Everyone is so fixated on their own appearance, their own wants, their own desires… when I would see both parents order more than a couple drinks, newborn swaddled under the mother’s arm, it made me not even want to serve them.
I have decided that I do not want children of my own, but I adore children, and would love to help raise them and take care of them ♥️ maybe help my friends out, be the best aunt I can be and be an adult that these children can trust.
"My hope is [...] that you move forward in this new year giving your desires for your own life more time and thought and intention and that you go after a life that will bring you a lot of joy and a healthy dose of challenge as well." - Melanie Murphy 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚 Thank you for this thought provoking video essay Mel! I'm 30 and still Single so having kids feels so far away but, maybe it's also just a conscious decision away...the decision to go after my dreams and not let worries about other life areas occupy me so much, that I forget about what matters to me or will matter in the future...
I swear you and Lenna norms can read my mind. I'll have been thinking/worrying about something then TA DA! one of you make a video about it. I'm a 32 year old on the fencer. It's great hearing your perspective. My younger self was adamant that I would have 2 kids by now. The older I got the more I think its not for me. It could be that neither of my siblings having kids and I'm.the youngest. I thought I'd have so practice by now being an aunt.
I like this format of video, and hope you do more of them. I would push back slightly against the premise that just because you don't have children, it means you don't have caring responsibilities and you are so free to do whatever you want with your time. Plenty of people care for siblings, family and so on from a young age and are not free to just be young and do what they want. And that might impact their decision to have children as well
Such an interesting video to make. And I absolutely love your walls ❤ But I think there is quite a significant part missing. As much as we think we can make a conscious decision about whether or not we want to have children, there are no guarantees. There are so many people who would make great parents, habe weighed up all the pros and cons, came to a decision together and don‘t manage to have children. It isn‘t as easy as deciding for or against kids. Sometimes life just has other plans…
I really regret editing out the section where I mentioned this 😔 I just wasn’t happy with how I approached it. I know how sensitive the topic is and am terrified of ever really talking about the meat of it incase I upset people. My words might seem empty because I have children/got lucky. I’ve seen how deeply infertility has impacted people in my life. I’d love to have someone on my channel to talk about it in an open conversation but anyone I know struggling with it really hates to talk about it 💔 I ended up deciding that it’s a separate conversation to the conversation surrounding making the choice … the outcomes are a whole other story x
I’ve been struggling with how to balance technology and faith in our home, and ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ provided some amazing insights that we’ve already started using
I'm 42 and I have 3 kids now. I never thought that I wanted children before I got pregnant with my first. When I decided to keep that pregnancy, I started to really get into the idea of being a mom. It's never been perfect or easy, but I'm so glad that I have my kids. Make sense?
I'm 24 and in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend. I used to want kids when I was little, and then I went through 10 or so years of not wanting kids (yes I've been thinking about this for a long time, whereas when I asked my boyfriend when we first got together if he wanted kids, he deadass said "I've never really thought about it", which made me realize that it's... definitely something that I think takes a lot more consideration when you're the one who has to carry the child and historically also be the primary caregiver even though I don't want to be, but ok, that's a different topic. Anyway!). I think I have been so sad and so insecure for so long that I couldn't see a world in which I could feel okay about bringing a new human being into this world and being responsible for their happiness. For the past couple of years, after a lot of therapy, I've slowly been getting used to the idea again - for all of the reasons you mentioned in the "good things about having children" part. But with my own history of mental illness and the fact that life is unpredictable so anything could happen, no matter how much I try to avoid it, I really don't know if it's the right thing to do. Plus the whole thing where you don't really know if you'll want to be a parent until you are a parent, and then there's no turning back, is very scary. But thank you, this video gave me some comfort. Maybe someday I'll be off the fence.
Thank you for making this video! I'm 32 and still super undecided.. I feel like I need more of a community around me and my partner to support us if we were going to have children. Not really feeling any pressure from anywhere or time pressure as we would use a surrogate and donor anyway.. So we have all the time to decide and figure out if it is for us. There is also no way my children would be in a government school, so it would be 24/7 for 18 years 🤪
I’m 26, married and have a one year old little boy! I have wanted a baby since I was about 16, always yearned to be a mother and as soon as we were married we tried for our baby. I sometimes feel the pressure to not waste my 20’s, be young and free, travel, drink, party, but it’s just not what I’ve ever wanted. My little boy makes me feel complete 🥰
Perfect timing with this video. I'm trans and might be starting hrt fairly soon. I'm in my early 20s and the question if I ever want to have biological kids seems so far away, but I have to face it NOW. It's quite challenging, because I hardly feel like I know myself and I had no idea where to start. So thank you for your writing prompts, I will definitely use them. Sending lots of love to all of you 💗
I'm preggers now. It's something me and my husband have always wanted to do. I've actually never had the thought "will they look after me when older?" That's because my gran is still on her feet & cognisant. The only thing that's scaring me is the childcare costs and lack of money during maternity. But that's temporary and we can make it happen x
Loved the vid! Congrats on the new baby!!💚💚💚 I'm currently a mother to a 10 mo and this was still a super relevant video for me. My son was a very happy accident for my husband and I and I love him to pieces it's truly undescribable like you say, but I struggle with whether or not I want another child. My husband and I knew we wanted children, but never how many lol. This video was the talk I needed to get me out of my own head! We still have a bit to decide whether we want more, but this gave me a new perspective, so thank you!!
I hate how the assumption is that you should want kids. The question should be: why do you want kids? Not 'Why don't you want kids?'. You're raising a literal human. If you aren't 100% sure you want it then don't do it, if you can't give solid reasons why you want kids, don't have them. It might sound harsh but I really think this is the way we should think nowadays.
Also I'm schizophrenic, I feel a huge burden on what will I pass on to my child? What if they suffer the way I did? How much was genetic Vs trauma induced? Do I have the tools to support them if they go through the same experience? It's such a difficult decision and I hate how flippant some people are about it!
Great video. I find the idea of peoples blind spots for what their needs will be in the way off in the future really interesting, I’m not sure if any of us really fully escape that. Both from the perspective of not being sure about kids and but also those folk who really desperately want a baby but are not quite considering the long term.. it’s not just a baby but a toddler, a child, an adolescent, a whole human. And the huge impact the raising of another human can have on so many aspects of life, Not quite akin to getting a puppy and not realising how much work dogs can be but there are parallels. There are sadly so many dogs in shelters for this reason.
THIS! I really hate to say it but I’ve met a couple of people in life who I suspect saw having a baby as having ‘the IN accessory’ and they were just floored by the reality. I bet Instagram and Tiktok have led to more of this … people jumping into it without ever really thinking it through!
Finally someone speaking about the hole movement of raising a child in "this horrible world". If only people not recognizing the importance of the natural world have children, who will protect and take care of it in the futur ? We need carrying people raising carrying humans. I am eternally grateful for having become pregnant with a copper IUD. Me and my husband would have never experienced the experience of parenthood, the hard and Wonderful parts. We didn't want children but the second I learned I was pregnant I just knew I needed to carry through it. No matter how much of a shock and scary it was and unprepared I was. I knew she was my gift from the universe. 🙏 Having a child Totally transformed me. I am still learning from my child everyday. They truly are the best teachers.
There are way too many people in the world who shouldn't have children. I work with kids and it's so heartbreaking to see so many little humans who are emotionally and physically neglected. I try to give them some support and comfort, but it's not going to be enough, they need their parents. Even in my family there are a few people who had a baby just because they felt it's expected of them and they were afraid it'll be too late soon. The effect? Parents and kids with a lot of mental problems.
I’m kind of on the fence. I’m 26 and single. I tend to say I don’t want kids but I can envision a scenario where I get a bit older, meet someone I truly love and would like to raise a family with, and feel that I really want that for myself. For now I really only want to have to think about myself, but that is something I could possibly tire of. One thing I really struggle with though is that I’m not necessarily glad I was born. I didn’t consent to it and sometimes (a lot of the time) I think that suffering outweighs joy in life, and how can I possibly make the decision for someone else? And that’s not even to mention climate change and all of the other issues they will inherit, or how I feel that everything is moving backwards in the world and it is becoming more acceptable to be hateful (at least where I live, America). Sometimes lately I do feel that I am glad I was born. I can’t conclusively say it, I also may just finally be making the best out of an unchangeable situation, but until I do come to that definitive conclusion I’m not sure I can have kids. I’d need to be a little more confident that it’s not a despicable thing to impose on someone. I know that a lot of people are glad they were born and grateful to their parents for that, but that’s not a given. It’s not that I have a terrible life or anything, but life is nonetheless full of suffering and drudgery, and I can’t help but think that if I wasn’t born I wouldn’t suffer from the bad nor know to miss the good.
Always wanted children and life made me wait a little longer than what I would have prefered. But it had made me watch all my friends have their children and see all the good and the bad. Some friends have been joking that since i’ve seen all the bad maybe i would change my mind but I just want to be a mom, it’s bigger than me. Now, almost 34, I just stopped the pill and i’m hoping things will get smoothly.
Thank you for this video. I've always wanted kids from a very young age. But I am 31 years old and chronically ill, bed ridden. Have been for years and it's keeping me from fulfilling that dream. I hope things turn around in the next few years, but a lot of things will have to line up for this to possibly happen. So we will see how things pan out. I re-visit the topic every few months with my husband to see where we're at.
I'd be so interested to know if fence sitters like myself tend to also be children of divorce and have a bad relationship with their mother. It's so difficult for me to separate the fear of essentially becoming my mother and wanting children. The people I know that are dead set on wanting them have positive relationships with their mother and their parents are still together, maybe it's easier to want something when you've seen it through a positive lense and not how it can go wrong?
I wouldn't say I had an awful mum, but definitely not great either. My dad was awful and disappeared when I was young. My worst nightmare is to become like either of my parents. But I want to break the cycle and fight and learn every day to be a good mum for my soon two littles. I LOVE families and teaching and exploring and have already build an entirely different setting to what I grew up in. First step: don't marry a narcissist!
I feel the same. Had a diffucult and stressful childhood and definitely have some things to work through like anxiety before having children of my own (if I decide to). I'm seriously on the fence though. It's weighing heavily on me the last few years as the clock ticks on. I think it would be lovely to build a loving family with my partner but am I being selfish in thinking that? Would I try to live a childhood I didn't have through my child? What if they dislike me when they're an adult? To those single parents reading this - I'm glad my parents got divorced. I think life would have been more difficult if they had of stayed together. I was just forced to grow up very fast and exposed to adult problems because my parent didn't make good choices at times. Thanks Melanie for opening the discussion. Nice to see both sides and different perspectives and know that there are so many fence sitters out there too.
@@catherineruane6720 I have the same internal debates as you and was glad my parents separated too but can't help thinking does that drive my more sceptical views on marriage and children, the thought of doing it alone terrifies me. It's nice to know I'm not alone in being on the fence though and not everyone has this undying maternal urge.
I am currently 28, in a relationship for the past 3 years and living together for almost 2 years now.. I grew up in a middle-class family, my parents (especially my mother) had to work hard to provide for us and put up some savings on the side. So that resulted in me spending most of my childhood with my grandparents, to whom I am really grateful. I don’t have too many memories as a 4-5 year old going with my parents for a walk in the park, or to the cinema, or just play tea time. They are very loving parents, and made sure me and my brother had whatever we needed, helped us with our problems and supported us during school and uni. But in this process, they kinda lost themselves, and only really started living once we both moved out. I am also quite torn between wanting a baby in the next couple of years, cause I don’t want to be too old when I give birth, but seeing how overwhelming these times are and how difficult it is at the moment to save money, it makes me worry that if I were to have a baby now, I’d not be able to work, or at least be able to offer it comfort and spend enough time with it as time goes by. My partner would also like to have kids some day, but for him it is first proper job > savings > place to live and then a baby. And we know that it could take years and years if you wait for the right moment. Up until 3-4 years ago, I could not imagine myself having children. Recently I started working as a newborn photographer, and I see these emotional first moments (where no worry is as important as holding the baby you’ve brought into this world safe and sound) and deep down I know that I also want that.
i know this a deeply personal choice, and im not here to convince you. but a lot of people, including my parents, say that there will never be a moment that is truly right. of course you should be able to bring food to the table, but the rest is luxury. your baby doesnt need a big house! but that's your life, i understand that it's more expensive to raise kids in some places than others.
Hi Hazel, have you thought of maybe freezing your embryos. It is recommended for females 32 and younger to freeze them as the quality is still highest, and use it when they feel ready for it, say around age 40-45 (you might only need some hormonal starter boosts) to have a healthy pregnancy.
As a 33 year old woman I never wanted kids until ai was diagnosed with endometriosis at 16 and the thought of never being able to have that choice made it important to me. I wanted at least one child but as life has gone on I have been diagnosed with lupus and other serious issues and currently possibly a chance my fertility will be taken from me (a second possibility in my life) scares me to my core. That biological need is like a screaming dragon inside me that I want a child of my own so badly. Being told over and over again that I’d be a great mom only makes me more sad that this hasn’t happened and my financial and health situations make it a current improbable choice even with the looming possibility of losing my fertility even harder to handle. I cry every time I think about it. I think that’s how I know I want children, that I feel so devastated at the thought of not having one. Hopefully it will happen but I have to swallow the bitter pill that it might not happen. Sending you and your family lots of love.
I know what you mean about looking after someone else rather than thinking about your own feelings. I recently listened to a Hidden Brain podcast on happiness that highlighted when you ask yourself if you're happy, that can actually diminish happiness! But that's less true in eastern societies that are built more around supporting each other than western individualism! So interesting, I'd recommend listening to it!
Realistically I would love kids, however after years of trying to get into a career as a disabled woman I’ve only finally managed to break into that career at 28 I wanted and I’m only on a trainee wage. I’ll be entirely honest I don’t feel like I’m in a mental or financial position to look after children right now despite wanting my own children. My main concern is that by the time I do reach that point I won’t feel that I have the physical energy anymore. Being totally honest here and this is just my personal feelings.
I think that we need to cosnsider how blessed we are as a generation to even have so many people who are "fence-sitters". It means that we finaly realise that we have a CHOICE, and it is not a given in life that everyone must have kids. You actually need to consider why you want them or not, and not just do what everyone tells you from a young age to do (especially to women). Happily childfree woman here! 💜 P.S. To anyone who subconsciously or consciously has kids just to not be alone in old age, here is a friendly reminder that there will be so many of us when we grow old that will be childfree and you will have a community if you chose to. Especially if you make it a priority to cultivate meaningful friendships and relationships in general starting from today! Also, as sad as it is, having kids is not a guarantee that someone will take care of you when you are old. So let's all of us choose responsibly!
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties. We're starting to talk more about our future and kids have been one of those topics. We were both on the fence about it before meeting each other, but I think we’re more open to the idea of having them one today. So this is kind of random to throw in, but I had a vivid dream a few months ago that my boyfriend and I were married and living in a cute little neighborhood with two kids and one on the way and my parents were helping out while he was at work. I’m not sure if I believe that dreams are trying to tell you something or predict the future, but I kind of felt like this one was.
When you have children your mind changes .. it’s not about you, anxiety was freed up in a way, but it’s shifted.. Children change your life, for me it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done. The love is unsurpassed, the worry is the same 😅 but there are so many rewards. I have friends that don’t have children and they have a different lifestyle and I love hearing about their experiences it’s just we have different experiences.. and that’s cool 😎 but sometimes they are ‘ If you didn’t have kids’ I’m like BUT I DO!!! And I love it.. I never thought I’d have kids but it happened. It wasn’t a thought process, I do however feel so much pain for those who want to but cant
Thanks for making this video Melanie, it's definitely a nuanced, divisive and thought-provoking topic. I also love that you're so clearly living the life and making the decisions that are fulfilling and best for you, it's really heartwarming to see. And... is it just me or did almost all the stuff under "the good" also sound like bad stuff?? I recognise there is a distinct possibility that this simply points to my mind already being made up on some level.
Another advantage that balances the argument regarding climate change : you are forced to care about the world the next generation will inherit from, you have the urge to think about what comes after you, to do things (even if lot of parents don't have time, as you said) that set examples for your kids and will give them hope that everything is not lost. I notice that lot of people don"t want to have kids cause they don't have the strenght to face the world as it is and feel responsible about where it's heading. If you have some awareness, having kids can help you not being nihilistic!
I'm nearly 24 and in grad school and engaged because I'm hoping to move continets. I'm not planning to have kids any time soon but I think I would eventually but it's so good to see stories like yours of the realities of it. I think it's something I want after my PhD but I also want to know (approximately) what I'm getting into
We never wanted them at all and were very closed off to the idea of even considering it as we traveled a lot and could never imagine wanting a child. I'd say although it's sensible to carefully consider options, I know I wouldn't have decided to have one had I not had a slow growing organic gut instinct to. This then led to my partner and I talking about it and although it was scary as a child wasn't in our plans this natural feeling grew for us and then we had to go through three years of infertility and early loss which only cemented that this was the path we wanted. But it was crucial to me that it began with a feeling rather than any rational thought like shit I'm nearing my mid thirties and should think about it. Now we have our child, I still know in my gut that it was right for us (she will be an only child though!) But I also know if we hadn't of gotten through our infertility struggles we could still have been happy. There are so many different paths lives can take and many of them would be happy ones with or without a child, with or without a partner, in one particular job to another etc. My life's turned out unpredictable as I never knew I would want or have a child and I like it's not always so predictable but I would advise people to not always commit to ideals or plans as the most exciting lives are the ones that remain open to change of feeling and that don't follow society/what everyone else does.
Now now. The fact you managed to upgrade your production quality while having a baby (and a toddler) really shows I AM SLACKING. Jokes aside, love you and your content 💕
I'm freshly 33 now and thinking about this so hard past year. From one side I would love to have kid with my wife, but from other I'm so afraif if I will be good mother and will have enough energy. I don't want to couse to this little person any big trauma and just give him/her plenty of love. My wife can't have children and as a lesbian couple we can't adopt in our country, so it's up to me now, as I'm starting to be slowly old in my eyes. Clock is ticking and I just want to be sure and don't regret. Thank you, Melanie for new ways of thinnking about this topic.
Hello Melanie! I’ve been living in Cork for 4 years and I’ll be 33 in April. I don’t have bf but I’ve been thinking about to start a family. As you said, look after a kid it’s not easy and as I came here by my own, I’m constantly thinking in who will help me when I need it, plus I don’t drive either. Definitely, is not a easy stage but I’m pretty sure that it’s so beautiful ❤ I really would like to experience it. I’m sending you a big hug!!! all the best🙂
Of course it's a personal decision, but I'd just ask people to think about the world they're leaving their children with. As a childfree person, I couldn't care less about other people's children, but I'm surprised parents are happy to bring their children into this world to suffer what will probably be a crap life! Seems like such a cruel thing to do.
I addressed this in the video. This is probably the best time to be alive in human history! It’s very easy to forget the world that existed before electricity, soap, antibiotics, vaccines etc
I had a difficult childhood and have suffered with both mental and physical health conditions and this has put me off wanting children because I think it would destroy me to see them face pain and misery in their life which is inevitable but then again their experience of life could be completely different from mine. Great to see a video like this because I am 32 and on the fence ever since I turned 32 a month ago. Before then it was a big no, but whenever I think about having a baby now I literally cry (because I want one). Why is that?! Feels like my hormones are wanting one...
Heyyy! First video back after the birth vlog ahh! :) Please let me know in a comment where you're at with this (motherhood/parenthood). Do you have kids? Do you want them? Not want them? Can't have them/are considering adoption or fostering or egg freezing etc? Not sure yet? I love hearing from you guys and reading about where you're all at in your lives! xxx
I don’t know as I’m single and focusing on my career. But met my friends’ new(ish) baby today, and he’s a cute, calm chunk of a 4 month old. And babies kind of like me, at least other people’s babies - I might just be the best auntie 😂
@@mysteryman7047 no! 99% of us are self employed. We can technically stop working for as long as we want if we’ve enough saved to cover ourselves financially however it’s a big gamble. Any time a UA-cam pal of mine takes maternity leave (even just a few months) they return to less views and less brand deal offers etc, butttt it’s a privileged position to be in being an established content creator. I’m able to work part time but I can earn enough to pay myself a full time wage. Literally can NOT complain even when it gets super stressful trying to work from home with kids!
I am pregnant for the first time at age 43. So yes I worked on my career and advanced degrees throughout my 20s and 30s. I always wanted kids but was too busy. So now I hope to slow down and back off of work a bit. The video was great!
@@Poochiepoochie54321I’m 41, still undecided 🤷♀️
@@tabbymrp I just had my first baby at 44
I'm not sure if this sounds strange bc I've never said it out loud before -- I think I would rather help raise someone else's kids than have my own. When I hear the phrase "it takes a village," being a person in that village feels much less scary than taking on the full responsibility of being a parent. I think it's important for every child to have an adult that they trust completely who isn't their parent, and (at least for now) that's who I want to be.
I really don’t think this sounds strange at all! ❤️ A lot of people would prefer to just be an aunt or an uncle, or to foster or to mind children etc! And it’s a beautiful beautiful thing! Non-parents can have SUCH important roles in the lives of little ones! Xxx
I feel the exact same! I think I was born to be an aunt, I can’t even imagine being a mother. I love providing a safe loving space for my nephews and nieces
From someone who doesn't have much of a village this is so lovely to read. That's a lovely way to look at it x
I feel the same!
This really hit home for me. I love my little niece and I'd love to be an important figure in her life but I can't really picture myself having my own children.
One of the best questions to ask ourselves is : “ Can i handle being a single parent ?” . Because you never know if you’ll have your partner for the rest of your life.
Just that thought alone scares me, also knowing the things kids can get into, without having the eye and protection of adults, my only sister is a single mom of two and damn they could have gotten themselves killed or seriously injured, if it was not for her, the kids and us her close family members, constantly looking out for them and shielding them from hazards.
@@floralfancy7814 This is so sad 😢 How is your sister doing? It must be really hard for her :(
That's it. Very spot on 👍
The way I knew for sure I didn’t want to have kids was when I had an absolute panic about growing older and having no one to look after me. That was the only situation in which not having kids upset me, which was a clear indication I had no interest in having kids, except out of fear. And I think we can all agree that is a terrible reason to have kids.
That is one of the worst reasons to have children - to have free caregivers. I could never expect my children to give up on their lives to take care of me.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 as I said, ABSOLUTELY not a reason to have children! But definitely something to think about when deciding not to have them. To be aware of the importance of other relationships! In the past before contraception people couldn’t really decide against it (unless they chose celibacy, rare that) so we don’t yet know what a world of childless elderly folk looks like! My hope is that childless people really work hard to bond with nieces, nephews and that they become friends with younger generations
I totally second this! And it horrifies me to see the amount of parents that raise children in the prospect that they will ''owe'' them some sort of care when they grow older....
Sqeezing put to have someone to care for you when you are old is disgustingly selfish.
What about professional caretakers in nursery homes?
Same here. As a nurse, I've seen people in need outlive their children - so it's never any guarantee. I also have a cousin who had 2 children and lost them both by the time she was 50. Again, having children for that reason is selfish to begin with, and may or may not pay off later like someone might assume or hope.
I appreciate this. I am 37 and when I was maybe 31 realized I absolutely do not want children. I want THE IDEA if children. I want the cute parts- I want to make them, I want the IG photos, etc., but I feel proud of and calm ness that I was able to differentiate the two.. there are alot of wonderful parents out there; but equally, there are a lot of wonderful people who recognize when it’s not for them.
A person once said they wouldn't have children because they already raised their parents/catered for their emotional needs so by adulthood, felt they'd already been a parent so wouldn't have the mental energy to do it again. Definitely resonated and I think it's an interesting reason to not have children
That is totally my case as well. They still expect me to take care of them emotionally but I decided to go to therapy. I don't want to give up on having my own children only because of this.
This is me as well. I’ve had to navigate language translating and being an immigrant family. When asked why I don’t want kids, one of the many reasons is that I’m exhausted and I haven’t had a moment to live for myself.
Same. My parents have a terrible marriage and are both emotionally immature and i grew up hearing them scream and and id have to tell them to stop and I'd cry. Now im 30 and my parents are still together cuz my moms codependent and has no job. Shes 65 and cant work anymore so she stays together with my dad.
Still at age 30, i have to listen to my parents fighting and my mom crying to me. I do not want children because i have to deal with my parents. They are grown children.... Thankfully I live with my boyfriend, but he has 2 dogs. They are also way too much work for me. I just have too much trauma to care for other things besides myself. It seems selfish, but thats what happens when you have a bad childhood. So yeahhh, i can't have kids. Nor can i afford them.
@@Sar_bear77 I appreciate the blunt honesty and relate in many ways. I hope that your trauma can be become healed or unstuck over time, and I hope that for me, too! Kids or no kids, we all need that.
You know what? I'd never heard this argument before and, having done so, I understand my childhood and my attitude to children. One of the reasons I live alone is that I've finally found a sense of freedom. (Both my parents were abusive narcissists - no joke.)
I think that if you decide to have a child, try to own that decision and don’t submit to fleeting feelings of regret. If you choose not to have kids, same thing. Own your decision and don’t give the transient feeling of regret any power. We will ALWAYS look back at our lives and wonder how things would have played out if we made a different decision. But it’s fruitless to give those thoughts any power. For example, if you decide not to have kids, you may imagine a different life with the perfect spouse, house, kids and picket fence. But the reality is, having kids could have hurt your marriage, your kids may have had serious mental or physical illnesses, being pregnant may have caused you or your partner lasting harm, your child may not be a very good person and you could have found yourself being financially responsible for their entire lives, etc... I apologize if I’m not articulating this well, I just think that mindset is more important than the actual choices we make in life. Living with gratitude and owning my choices has given me unbelievable peace, so I’m just hoping to pass on this knowledge to others in the “fence sitter” community.
This was such a great comment. Thank you for this.
That's a solid advice for sure.
Some people unfortunately find out after having kids that it isn’t for them despite loving their kids dearly. That’s a hard one. 😢
But isn't that irrelevant in the end when their child is, like, 16 and older? I mean, in the end their children can be like their closest friends
@@Kareragirl It is not irrelevant. Sometimes this feeling stays even later. And 18+ years is a lot.
Therapy is so helpful for that but unfortunately a lot of ppl don’t bother taking the time or maybe they don’t have access
@@Kareragirl you don't just get to wash your hands of your offspring once they hit 16 🫣
@@emma.greenwood Uhh, yeah? I agree 🤨
I feel like I always knew I wanted to be a mum, and having my daughter has just confirmed it to me that it was the right choice for us, as the love and enjoyment and laughter I feel when I'm with her is utterly overwhelming. HOWEVER, I do wish someone had given me a reality check on parenthood before I dove straight into it so young. I don't regret my decisions for one second, but I do think being clearer on what I would have to give up of my own identity and understanding that it's not a decision to be taken lightly is a really important one!
There is a lot of trauma in this conversation for someone like myself (was bought up by poor parents, where my mum was a carer for her disabled mother). Seeing the hardship of parenthood and also being a carer made me feel very traumatized to the idea of both having children (it looked so difficult to raise kids when you don't have money and when you have other huge responsibilities), but also the thought of never having children (my grandma never having the care and love of her daughters and grandchildren from her accident she incurred in her early 40s) ruins me. I often feel completely trapped of what to do.
I suffer badly with OCD linked with the trauma of growing up around someone disabled and in need of care for 30+ years as the result of an accident, and the impact that has on a family. My family is also SO close and loving, I desperately want to continue that love. Videos like this are good for me to keep questioning, even if it is really really really hard and overwhelming.
These choices are often dictated so heavily by fear instead of hope due to our experiences, the world we live in and what we see of parenthood in both our real lives and the media.
Sorry for the heavy subject matter - just needed to get it out somewhere.
I can definitely relate. I grew up as an only child to a single mother, and my grandmother lived with us for a number of years in her 80s before a few accidents where we decided she had to get more care in a home. My mom lived off one salary and we got by but money was always a stressor. I feel a little bit scarred because of knowing how hard it is to raise a child financially, emotionally.. and I truly feel stuck in fear on whether my husband and I should have kids or not. I'm also in student debt, working full time and living with my mom still, trying to save for a home and so close to just renting. :( A lot of things feel uncertain, and I constantly ask myself if I'm capable.
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your experience and thoughts with us! I would bloody love to sit and talk with you in real life 😭❤️
I had a difficult upbringing too that has brought a lot of anxiety into thoughts of having children. I am 32 years old and feel like I am running out of time if I want children. I like the idea of them but am scared of the reality.
I agree. Trauma and being able to regulate your own emotions is a huge part of parenting and creating secure attachment and not unconsciously passing on trauma to children. Also, even if at the time you make a decision to do something, because life is impermanent, your life circumstances can always change unexpectedly so reflecting upon that is important too because parenting won't stop because of that. Also, for children who had childhood trauma and ACEs as psychology identifies it (adverse childhood events), parenting can trigger all those memories and also ACEs might have set you back from achieving life milestones that your peers have like catching up financially and health wise physically and mentally so all this is a factor in parenting and continuing to heal yourself and parent your inner child. I don't think parenting should be reserved for only rich or privileged people especially under a system of capitalism where race is a hierarchy and neither do I subscribe to the ideology of scarcity of the earth's resources when wealth white men hoard the majority of resources. So holding power to account with knowledge of ecological justice in the context of class, race and privilege is important and going vegan and individual actions only go so far because we need binding rules to hold corporate polluters to account. Also in my experience parenting mixed race children is a whole other conversation about parenting and unschooling them on the ways of the world and oppressive systems which otherwise unconsciously bias them and their development and happiness. It's about each person seeing and believing in and awakening to their own inner dignity and power as a human being and then living authentic lives where moment by moment even if they do fail sometimes to do so because of trauma or just human frailty, they do strive to live in accord with their inner wisdom where they decide their own future not the narrative or delusions of society. It actually takes a lot of courage to silence the cacophony of outside voices and obligations to listen to that inner voice and know and act with what is your own inherent wisdom. And even then our decisions can only ever be made in the present without any guarantee as to the future so yes parenting is a huge commitment and each person will parenting according to their own values and experiences and background.
Dr Gabor Mate has a lot of talks about addiction which encompasses what we think of as addiction as well as a broad definition of addiction and healing childhood trauma and parenting that is very insightful and actually healing in itself to know you aren't broken and can work towards healing or wholeness and begin exploring how to access resources foe example if you are poor and can't afford therapy
I'm a childfree person and always love these kinds of videos. Having children shouldn't be an inevitability or a passive decision since it's such a huge life change. It's great to see it being discussed! I've also learned a little bit more about the appeal of having children from this video. :)
When I got pregnant with my daughter nearly 13 years ago I was absolutely obsessed with the notion of having a baby. It felt like a biological urge.
When I had my daughter I was not prepared for the overwhelming feeling I had of responsibility. It was the scariest and most all encompassing feeling I had ever experienced. That feeling gradually diminished. However, being a parent is still the most worrying and anxiety inducing thing I have and will ever experience.
My daughter was diagnosed with autism in august last year. I myself am also recently autistic diagnosed. So many of my anxieties make sense now I know I am neurodivergent.
Some people seem to take to parenthood so easily. I was not one of those people. I was lucky my husband was such a natural.
I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but if I had known how hard it is I’m not sure that I would have made the same choice. I know that might sound awful to some people, but I can assure you my daughter is always the top priority and is loved and adored. It’s just not something I could have ever been prepared for.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I wished more people were this honest.
Dounds like a mental disorder, this urge.
What were you anxious about, if I may ask? I have an anxious disposition so I'm contemplating if parenthood is for me.
"You can have it all - just. not. at. the. same. time." this is such an important point. Thanks for this vid, Melanie 💗 I know in my heart I want children but I'm always pulled back a little by the idea that hobbies/travel/alone time with my partner will go by the wayside, but that's okay cos it won't be some permanent sacrifice. It's so toxic that women are told we can have it all simultaneously - that's f-king science-fiction! 😧x
I'm a 33 year old fence sitter and feeling more pressure than ever to hop off onto one side or the other. The book "The Baby Decision" by Merle Bombardieri is worth a read for anyone agonizing over this big & important choice. Thanks for sharing your perspectives in this video!
Can second that book.. still on the fence but there are very practical suggestions to help make a decision. Very comforting advice too that whatever your choice, you will make the best of it. And whatever your choice, there will be some regrets, just different types of regrets.
Also 33 years old and also a fence sitter. It is so mentally stressful to agonize over this decision and not knowing what I want.
31 year old and a fencesitter.. having my days of yes and few confusing days of what if.. sometimes gets frustrating, lime why can't I be sure of one thing.. 😂
I'm interested to know a year on whether you came to a decision or not?
I'm an Irish 32-year-old woman, just beginning a period of remission from stage IV cancer. An experimental drug saved my life but taking it was a complete gamble and we still don't know why it worked for me. I have absolutely no desire to have children, even though I no longer have active disease. I feel like if I didn't have the excuse of stage IV cancer as the reason for not having children, I wouldn’t get away with avoiding people's questions about whether I'll have a baby or not as easily - but even with this SOLID reason, people are so feckin nosy 😅 like, I shouldn't have to use the cancer card to placate people's inappropriate curiosity 😆 its fascinating to hear your thoughts on this. Its so great to see conversations about this becoming less taboo. Thanks for this, Melanie!
Holly, holy fucking hell I am so happy to hear you are stepping into remission 😭👏🏻❤️ Absolutely incredible!
When people ask me why I DON'T have children, I ask them why they DO. That usually shuts them up 😁
@@npkrn6764 It's an absolutely legitimate question. You can ask why someone does not want kids or why they do. Don't know why it shocks or baffles people.
im 26 and kids are all ive ever wanted. thank you for keeping it real! all the love to all the ladies in the comments, the mothers to be and those who choose not to pro create, all the love ladies. it takes all kinds of us to rule the world xxxx
I really appreciate how considerate you are towards those of us who are childfree and happy to be so, and I am very happy for you that you have children you love and wanted to have. Loved the video and glad you're back on UA-cam posting again. :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
I’m 31 and have never felt the desire to have children. I just can’t picture it as being part of my life. It’ll probably sound awful, but there isn’t a single thing about it that appeals to me 😂
I just see myself living happy, travelling and enjoying myself.
A lot of people I know who work in care homes say that the majority of people in the homes actually have family, most don’t bother visiting so I have to disagree with the whole “there’ll be no one to look after you when you’re older” thing. Also I wouldn’t burden a child by making them feel responsible for looking after me when I’m old.
Im 40 and feel exactly the same. I am really enjoying life without unnecessary responsibilities and commitment. Cheers !!
I will say that is true but you still end up in a home potentially either way. At least for holidays and things they are more likely to stop by and the alternative which is no one… though not a reason to have kids .
But I hate the whole kids are the worst thing ever train.
I would NEVER want to be a burden on my daughter I’m made healthier life style changes and got into better shape for this reason. My husband and I plan to get ALF and nursing home insurance just in case.
I think having kids just so they can take care of you when you’re old is shit. However, I do think holidays etc mean so much more in life when you get to see them from the eyes of a child and be able to raise them right and see them turn out to be good people.
It’s not guaranteed they would be good people BUT I do think if time is heavily invested in the early years there is a very good chance.
It has given me a new perspective on life that I do believe has made me a better person. Just some thoughts ❤
I’ve also had patients that their adult kids help and it’s amazing and beautiful and you can tell they raised them right
100% this 🙌
Same❤ 32 now
@@Hiya799 but it's okay that to some people it is the worst potential lifestyle choice to make. It can be the absolute best thing for someone and the absolute worst thing to someone else. It shouldn't be seen as good or bad whether someone wants kids or not. Why does it matter if someone kind of doesn't want kids or really absolutely 100% doesn't want them? The outcome is the same. The decision to have kids should be met with neutrality, not with a judgement of value.
The hardest thing about being a parent for me is that you have to plan everything. Like literally everything. If you want a few hours for yourself, you have to get a babysitter. If you’re gonna go grocery shopping - fixing a diaper bag, getting the kids ready, dealing with a baby crying and a toddler wanting to run off. 😅 It’s hard man. But there’s many beautiful moments that make it worth the hard ones. ❤ All the hugs, cute conversations, seeing little humans getting bigger and smarter - learning so much. My multitasking skills have improved a ton. 😅 I’m also liking the less ego version of myself.
This is a topic that's been on my mind lately and it's insane this video is here. I appreciate the whole movement for childlessness in life and think it's important for people to have choices.
For me though, 31 and one toddler, I always knew I wanted children but the whole thing of being child free was so prevalent and loud (not in a bad way, it needed to be) that no one told me how amazing being a mum was going to be. Like you say, it's a core life experience that is unlike anything else. I never thought I would be this fulfilled and satisfied with what before I would class as mundane things. Having my kitchen clean, getting all the laundry done, getting the floors vacuumed lol it's crazy to think about. You really do strive to be the best version of yourself for another person.
Oh man I relate so hard to this comment it’s absolutely unreal Ellie! ❤️
Relating here ❤
The love I feel for my child is so immense and beautiful. I spent the first few years of my life in an orphanage and didn’t truly experience unconditional love until I had my child. Just my experience. I think everyone should choose what is right for them ❤️
I'm the daughter of a mother with a similar experience (spent her early childhood years in an orphanage). She always said I was her first real attachment/bond and how grateful she was/is to have had me.
Thank you so much for this video 🥰🥰 I think I’m a fence sitter bc many of the negatives of parenthood seem built in - the sacrifices of time, money, constant worry etc - but few positives are guaranteed. Will you like each other? Will they want to take care of you? Will they be okay for their whole lives?! Or will you need to spend the rest of your life caring for that child around the clock, or will they be a sociopath …. It just feels like literally nothing is guaranteed and it’s hard to imagine making that gamble when there are clear unavoidable downsides to begin with
Melanie, I cannot thank you ENOUGH for this video. 💖 It was so helpful and thoughtful and really means a lot to me. I turn 27 in March, get married in June and I am totally the fence sitter this video was made for. Currently my fiancé and I are leaning towards No to kids but we’re not sure if our minds will change as we age. This video really helped give me a framework to start thinking on and provided great points towards both sides.
I'm 26, have a 10 week old and have always known I wanted a baby but only in the past few years have been sure I wanted to be a mother ( I think there's a distinction). It really has been the making of me even though it's been hard.
On the other hand, my best friend has always known she doesn't want children, she wants to be there as an 'auntie' for her friends kids. It's brilliant, she's so loving towards my daughter and my friend is perfectly happy being Auntie not Mam.
I've always imagined myself having children, but I got diagnosed with ADHD last year at 25, and some days it feels like I can barely take care of myself. Even though I know I have the capacity to be a great parent and teacher to a little human, it's so scary to think of trying to manage my own internal turmoil at the same time as my children, who will likely also have ADHD since it's prevalent in my family. I definitely need a few years to sort myself out, but I hope in that time I can learn enough to support my future children in ways my parents didn't support me when I was young.
I turn 28 on Wednesday and engaged. Completely on the fence. I was so sure I wanted children, but the closer I get the more the reality of that hits me. So difficult 🤔
no need to make that choice now especially if you're on the fence. If you're willing to go through the hell of egg retrieval and have to money to do it or your country's healthcare covers it, that could be a better option if you're still on the fence by the time you're 35. But honestly if you're a fence sitter it's probably best not to seek it out in my opinion, let fate take that part over, like if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't, happy either way. The only thing you'd need to do it stop birth control (or your partner) or whatever if you decide to got that route. If you're in a same sex relationship you obviously can't do it like this, you kinda have to make a definitive decision because then doctors and stuff start getting involved.
It's the same for me. I wanted kids so much last year and now I'm not sure whether I'm ready to live all my life with my fiancé and have children together or not...
Mel, I feel like you’re reading my mind. Last night, my Mom asked me when I’d be having kids (for the trillionth time) and wanted to remind me that time is ticking. I’m only recently 31 years old and I’ve felt an IMMENSE pressure to have children my entire adult life by my family. I am an only child and I’ve constantly felt the need to give my parents (primarily begging mother) a grandchild. I feel guilty that if I don’t, who will? I’ve struggled with mental health issues since I was a child & I worry that although I know I’d be a wonderful mother, sometimes I’m scared I’m not mentally fit to take care of another person fully. Thank you for this video… it’s nice to know that other women also struggle with this decision.
I definitely think having a kid to please a parent is a bad idea and it makes me so sad that so many feel pressured before they are ready 😭 My mam asked me all the time when I was in my early 20s because in her day that’s when they all started families! I think she was only 21 having me so I understood it but it was hard to explain how times had changed and I know she was just worried I would miss the boat x
As a child of someone who has mental health issues. It is extremely hard from this side. You pick up on everything. Don't do it unless you're stable by yourself. Because sd og now I am my mom's life line, supporter, reason to live. And the pressure is unfair.
Happily childfree here, I love these videos! ❤️
That's great! Happily a mom over here. It's awesome we both followed our own path.
Doubt
@@willkillem737 and you are...?
That dress goes with that room flawlessly.
For me, I’m so glad I went through a few years of not being sure & changing my mind after always wanting children. It has made the decision to ultimately become a parent now so much calmer because I know I’ve seriously considered it all!
This is me 1000%. I always thought I'd have children, then I finished my degree, started working, and the older I got the more uncertain I was. Being a fence sitter is agonising. I have a wonderful husband, finished my masters, did a little bit of traveling, and now at 32, I genuinely feel like I'm ready to have kids. I'm thankful that I had a good 6-7 years of uncertainty and have FINALLY come to a decision 😊
If you're questioning being a parent, adopt a high maintenance pet and see how you feel! I've learned a lot about being a mum from getting my rabbit: spending hours every day teaching him things, building trust, giving him a routine, constantly balancing his needs with mine, taking care of him over and over again when he gets sick, feeling guilty because I feel like I should be doing more, etc. Rabbits are not for everybody, but if you do get one, expect to be putting in as much effort if not more than you would with a dog. It's basically like having a perpetual toddler for 5-10 years. They are some of the most difficult creatures to train and they are prone to illness (GI stasis). But they are also some of the cutest creatures out there. ❤️🐰
Children are no where close to a "high maintenance pet". Ridiculous.
@@nicolcacola I never said they were. But high maintenance pets are a great stepping stone toward having kids. They teach you responsibility, empathy, prioritizing a living creature other than yourself, balancing your needs vs. theirs, discipline and bonding habits, and managing feelings of guilt.
@@nicolcacola Also teaching them language! My rabbit knows 30+ human words. It's been interesting and challenging teaching him to listen and understand.
@@LucaAnamaria I understood what you meant and thank you
@@southernroots3896 ❤️
I’m 45 never had children and I’m very happy I made that decision. 💯
Me too. I’m 45 as well. Never had the desire & I have zero regrets
Same
cause of my traumatic childhood decided not to have one. Decided to focus on healing myself , learning important skills and teach them to my sibling`s kids.. no point for me to breed since I never wanted kids. Id rather help my sis financially with her kids + be protective towards other people`s kids if ever see them in trouble. I prefer kids to be born in families who understand what parenthood is and they genuinely WANTED them. I dont want to pass abuse on the next generation so it will end with me and I wish to do something good with the time I have.
I'm 37 this year and I didn't have my first baby until last year. In my twenties kids wasn't even a thought in my head, I wasn't even sure if I wanted them, but as I reached my 30s I started seeing families about and started wanting one of my own. It wasn't until I met the right guy that I started a family. Sometimes just meeting someone can change your mind, I'm so glad I enjoyed my 20s like I did as children take up so much of your life and I was far too selfish back then. It's very important to be able to be selfless if you're to have children, it's not something to take lightly, too many people have children out of selfish reasons, but these children grow up to be adults with issues.
I've been watching your videos since I was 19 and I love them, they bring me such joy! I'm 26, and don't really feel like I'll be able to make a decision about this for many many years. There's so many factors, like finances and whether I'll still be in a stable relationship when I do become financially stable. I do feel quite terrified at the idea of it, and unwilling to relinquish my freedom. But at the same time I feel like I will definitely regret not having a child when I am older. Not only because I have quite a small family and I think I would really like to have the chance to create a family of my own , but because I am so curious about the experience of pregnancy and parenting. Maybe curiouslty is a bad reason though! but it's my main reason for doing most things haha
Thanks for this open perspective, Mel. We need to normalise the choices here and acknowledge not everyone finds themself in suitable circumstances to parent - even if they’d like to. All pathways have merit and all humans have value regardless of their familial status.
You are such a lovely person inside and out and this video made me laugh and even tear up a little in parts, so thank you for that! 💜 I'm 39 and just made it to 25 weeks today. We are really looking forward to meeting our daughter, but I want to be sure I'm mentally prepared, as someone who always thought I'd never have kids. You are so right-- the love and the worry I feel for her already is so real.
I'm the only one of my friends and cousins who has children and when they ask me about children I tell them they shouldn't have them. I love mine to death and even want more but I truly think if you're on the fence, you might as well not have them. You could always foster, adopt or just help your friends and family with their children instead but bringing someone into the world is a big decision that I don't think most people understand the scope of. Like you said, you're creating the world's new society which is an immense deal. The weight of that alone motivates me everyday to be the best mom I can be
I'm 25 and I have no family and friends who all go away for Christmas' ect. It's genuinely okay. There's such a lot of fear given out during this conversation but I promise that if you have children purely for the purpose of not being alone, they will notice. It can't be the only reason for having a child
I 100% agree! That’s why I said I don’t think this should ever be why someone has a child - doing so from a place of fear is a terribleee idea. & why I mentioned how it’s a thing that there are parents and kids that don’t get along. Though regarding being fine with spending holidays alone I do think this is very personality dependent which is why it’s something for each individual to consider xx
My parents are out of luck. My brother is hardly ever in the country and I may be moving to the USA. Children are not a guarantee for not being lonely...
@@melaniemurphyofficialijiu 2:27 2:27 U😮😮uuuyucky uui v
I can tell you first hand there are people who never should have been parents. I wished almost every day, as a child, to not exist. I didn't understand why I was born and why do I have to do all these things my parents want me to do. I felt irrelevant. As a child, I always imagined myself living in a cozy tiny apartment in London, alone, single, with 3 cats. Having a huge career, child free. Two years ago I met my now partner and something changed. I feel safe. I feel like this is right and the thought of starting a family together somehow appeared in my mind. So I think for me, it was my environment that influced me greatly.
Ok so I won’t be finishing that video right now cause I opened it during a night feed and am just after putting the baby back down. But OH MY GODDESS I love the format with the two Melanie’s and your acting skills! I mean I could believe these were two different people with great alchemy! Can’t wait to finish it (probably in a couple hours)!
As a fence sitter approaching 30 in the next few months I appreciated this video! It’s nice to hear someone speak so positively about parenthood - it seems it’s become almost unfashionable these days. While I have huge concerns for the climate I am a firm believer that we have the capacity to innovate and also that over population is not the problem but rather extreme capitalism. It occurred to me while watching this video that it’s capitalism that is also linked to many of the downsides to having children and to not having them (basically misery in general). As you said, since childrearing is not considered real labour many families struggle to support themselves. If we had more of a village mentality not only would parents get more help with such challenging work but those who choose not to have children would be a part of the community and would never fear being alone when they are old or on the holidays. I think if we had more of a community mindset in general the choice would be a lot easier. I loved what you said about how motherhood takes away any petty/self absorbed anxieties - I love the idea of obliterating my own ego and living first and foremost for others. But again, that can be achieved by trying to be more involved with my community.
Great video Melanie, you're a fab Mammy!!
I'm on the other side of parenthood now with my kids all grown up and married. I miss those toddler years with my kids more than you can imagine.
Just as I'm adjusting to the empty nest along comes a granddaughter! I'm so delighted that I get to experience all of the new baby love all over again!
I know you won't believe me when I tell you , but it's even more joyful experiencing all of those things you spoke about with your children's children!
I never regretted for a single day having children 💚💚💚
I am so happy for you that you are getting to experience being a grandparent! 🥹 Really hope I get to experience that one day! ❤️ xxx
These comments are so sweet. I just turned 25 and people around me are starting to get married and have children. I've known since I was about 20 that i definitely do not want to have kids. The older I get the less I want them. The thought of being pregnant and having a baby is an unimaginable terror. I am so glad I live in this day and age where I have the choice not to become a mother. I just wish people would stop constantly bugging me about my decision to be childfree. I notice my male counterparts do not get the same inappropriate questions.
I'm in my late 30s and I've never wanted children and feel grateful for the fact - not only have I not had the pressure of making a decision and the fear of making the right/wrong one that goes with it but also the cards I've been dealt would make being a parent really difficult (health problems and dysfunctional family among other things!) Fortunately my partner doesn't want children either and we live a very nice relaxing life where our time outside of work is filled with hobbies, self improvement, seeing friends, learning new skills and just generally doing what we fancy. I cannot imagine sacrificing these things unless you are absolutely certain that being a parent is what you want with the same certainty that I feel knowing it isn't for me. I wish everyone who is agonising over making this huge decision well and that you all find the right path for yourselves, whichever side of the fence you land on :)
I'm earlier 20s and don't know if I want kids. I have this strong conviction that having children should be a very actively thoughout decision. I'm the oldest and my mom had me at 32, which was on the older side in the 90s. I know that she took a few years to come to the conclusion that she wanted kids and during that time the option of not having kids was thoroughly considered. In the end she actively chose to have me and my siblings and I really applaud and appreciate her for it
I’ve always wanted to be a mother more than anything but I have to give that dream up due to chronic illness and disability. I wasn’t expecting the grief to hit me so hard at 30 but it comes in waves and feels like drowning. I know maybe when I’m older I might be in a different place and more physically capable but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high. I’m grateful to to get to take care of and love two adorable kitties. It’s not the same as a human baby but they’re still my babies 😅
I am so sorry you’ve had to face such an enormous mental challenge 💔❤️ That’s such a weight and will probably be so difficult to process - maybe a life’s work. Being a parent to an animal is a big, big deal and all of that maternal love inside you will come out in those relationships … the bonds between pets and their owners can be incredible and I’m so glad you can experience that connection! Xxx
What I am tired of hearing is «having kids is selfish» or «not having kids is selfish». Does it matter? NO. I don’t understand why people care and have such strong opinions on what other people choose to do with their lives, when it actually doesn’t affect anyone else.
Having children is the most natural thing, as well as not having children. Some people can’t have children even if they try. There’s no right or wrong here! ❤
Melanie you are beautiful inside and out! Motherhood makes you shine even brighter ❤️ such a thoughtful, compassionate and honest video for people on all sides. As someone who decided long ago that I want to have children, I really enjoyed watching this. Thank you for inspiring me all these years, you have helped me in ways you don't even know. ❤️
I was always the sort of child who referred to her dolls as her “sisters” - didn’t want the responsibility even at the age of 6! 😂 in all seriousness though, I’ve always known I don’t want kids, but my two biggest struggles right now are the guilt I feel of “robbing” my parents of the chance to be grandparents, and the fear of my friendships falling away as more of them start having children. While the decision is right for me 100%, the fear of how that decision can impact other aspects of your life is scary!
I didn’t even think about that! The weight of the guilt of ‘robbing’ parents of that particular experience … even though it’s unnecessary guilt I’m sure that knowledge doesn’t help if a parent is desperate to be a grandparent! Xxx
I know exactly how you feel! When I was younger everyone was babysitting kids (even my brother), and I never wanted to, and never did. I watched after peoples' pets when they went out of town lol THAT'S what I wanted to do 🤣 And now my parents desperately want to be grandparents, and I know my brother will have kids and give them that experience, but my mom says it's different when it's your daughter. And I totally understand that, but that guilt doesn't seem like a good enough reason to uproot your entire life to me with something you've never wanted in the first place.
With that said, almost ALL our friends are currently on their first, second, or third kids, right now and I do feel everything changing. That definitely sucks, but again, having kids so that you don't get fomo or so that you can relate to other people and have common ground to talk about doesn't seem like a good decision either.
I watched the movie Defending Your Life this weekend and it's about having to defend your decisions you've made throughout your life through a lense of fear, and if you were able to overcome fear to do what you really wanted to do. Definitely shifted my perspective on quite a few things!
TLDR; I feel you lmao
@@RachelKay528 PREACH 😂
Robbing your parents??? That's ridiculous and NOT your responsibility. Don't let anyone guilt you into irreversible decisions in YOUR life for THEIR desires. That's rather self-centered on their part. We ALL have a right to make our own choices.
A little trick here which worked great for me and my mom: if you have any friends who are having babies, introduce your parents to said friends. My mom has become "third grandma" to a former schoolmates kids. My mom looks after those kids at least one evening per week while the parents take care of stuff on their farm. The kids love her, she spoils them, and she's complete stopped talking to me about having kids.
re:the writing prompts. I'm freshly out of a 4+ year relationship where we had opposing views on this issue(he wanted kids, I didn't, over the years it was a push and pull of him saying he was fine without them (and i believed it) and him secretly hoping i'd change my mind, etc.). A couple years back, we were going through a Time and I was so in love that I convinced myself that I DID want kids, like I was totally ok. I'd thought about it, I wanted them now, I loved him so much that I was willing. But then over the next month or two I just became overwhelmed with feelings of dread and fear and just absolute endless anxiety. He'd mention how our next apartment would need to have an extra bedroom for the future baby, all of these little things, until I finally broke down and confessed that I was just lying to myself and to him. Honestly I don't know that I've ever felt a more all-encompassing amount of dread and anxiety than I did when I realized what I'd "gotten myself into".
so yeah tl;dr i basically imagined how I'd feel if i did have them/did want them and my body and brain said no lol
Omg thank you SO much for sharing this! I imagine there are people reading these comments in relationships who are pretending they do or don’t want kids because they want to keep their partner - it’s so common! 😭❤️
The good side sounds like my personal nightmare so thanks for reconfirming my child free path!
I’m 31, married and a woman of colour - currently heavily pregnant with my first baby. I’ve always been quite maternal as I’m the oldest of 3 siblings, getting a dog made me even more motherly! I wasn’t sure about having kids, for me a major turn off was when after getting married family members kept asking WHEN we were going to have kids. We are happy with our decision and I feel so protective over this little girl In my womb, however i don’t think enough is done to support mothers in the UK. I’m taking a year off work, maternity pay is pants and I’m already worrying about childcare. My elderly father in law is keen to look after baby girl when I have to go back to work (we don’t earn enough for me to take more time off) and I want to tell him to shove it! I want to raise baby the way me and my husband choose, not in an old fashioned manner. My husband bless his heart is lovely but can’t do anything for himself he was pampered and coddled growing up - I don’t want these things being passed on 😭. I didn’t have a baby for somebody else to raise!
A potential option, not the funnest one, but one that gives you a high degree of control on how your child is raised in the early years is working an opposing schedule to your partner, so you see each other less but your child is always care for by you or your partner.
Also, your husband will/should learn to care for himself/baby when baby comes because he is the parent too, a capable person.
Only 10 minutes in but thank you so much for making this video. 🧡 You're attempting a tough subject matter and also trying to be objective in your message, taking into account different situations.
I used to work in a very fast paced restaurant that was very clearly not meant for children. A full bar, crazy loud music, people crammed in the waiting area like sardines… it always baffled me that despite this, adults would bring their freaking newborns in strollers to this cramped, dim, smoke-filled borderline nightclub. When you become a parent and don’t have the village of support so many describe needing, you really do have to give up your old ways to accommodate for your child. The adults I would see taking their bottle-fed children to my place of work clearly never grew out of their old mentality. I think it’s in part due to social media, and how people are more paranoid about getting old than ever. Everyone is so fixated on their own appearance, their own wants, their own desires… when I would see both parents order more than a couple drinks, newborn swaddled under the mother’s arm, it made me not even want to serve them.
I have decided that I do not want children of my own, but I adore children, and would love to help raise them and take care of them ♥️ maybe help my friends out, be the best aunt I can be and be an adult that these children can trust.
"My hope is [...] that you move forward in this new year giving your desires for your own life more time and thought and intention and that you go after a life that will bring you a lot of joy and a healthy dose of challenge as well." - Melanie Murphy
💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
Thank you for this thought provoking video essay Mel! I'm 30 and still Single so having kids feels so far away but, maybe it's also just a conscious decision away...the decision to go after my dreams and not let worries about other life areas occupy me so much, that I forget about what matters to me or will matter in the future...
I swear you and Lenna norms can read my mind. I'll have been thinking/worrying about something then TA DA! one of you make a video about it. I'm a 32 year old on the fencer. It's great hearing your perspective. My younger self was adamant that I would have 2 kids by now. The older I got the more I think its not for me. It could be that neither of my siblings having kids and I'm.the youngest. I thought I'd have so practice by now being an aunt.
This was brilliant and you articulated perfectly so many of the things going through my mind as a woman without children who just turned 33.
I like this format of video, and hope you do more of them. I would push back slightly against the premise that just because you don't have children, it means you don't have caring responsibilities and you are so free to do whatever you want with your time. Plenty of people care for siblings, family and so on from a young age and are not free to just be young and do what they want. And that might impact their decision to have children as well
Such an interesting video to make. And I absolutely love your walls ❤ But I think there is quite a significant part missing. As much as we think we can make a conscious decision about whether or not we want to have children, there are no guarantees. There are so many people who would make great parents, habe weighed up all the pros and cons, came to a decision together and don‘t manage to have children. It isn‘t as easy as deciding for or against kids. Sometimes life just has other plans…
Or you get pregnant without really planing it
I really regret editing out the section where I mentioned this 😔 I just wasn’t happy with how I approached it. I know how sensitive the topic is and am terrified of ever really talking about the meat of it incase I upset people. My words might seem empty because I have children/got lucky. I’ve seen how deeply infertility has impacted people in my life. I’d love to have someone on my channel to talk about it in an open conversation but anyone I know struggling with it really hates to talk about it 💔 I ended up deciding that it’s a separate conversation to the conversation surrounding making the choice … the outcomes are a whole other story x
Watching this while fully knowing I do not plan to have kids. I think the conversation is very interesting and I love your approach.
I’ve been struggling with how to balance technology and faith in our home, and ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ provided some amazing insights that we’ve already started using
So true. I feel a completely other self. Sometimes I miss the person I was before having my child and when I do I feel bad for having those feelings.
Great video! Just came across your channel now because of this video, so thank you.
I'm 42 and I have 3 kids now. I never thought that I wanted children before I got pregnant with my first. When I decided to keep that pregnancy, I started to really get into the idea of being a mom. It's never been perfect or easy, but I'm so glad that I have my kids. Make sense?
Thank you this helped a lot
I'm 24 and in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend. I used to want kids when I was little, and then I went through 10 or so years of not wanting kids (yes I've been thinking about this for a long time, whereas when I asked my boyfriend when we first got together if he wanted kids, he deadass said "I've never really thought about it", which made me realize that it's... definitely something that I think takes a lot more consideration when you're the one who has to carry the child and historically also be the primary caregiver even though I don't want to be, but ok, that's a different topic. Anyway!). I think I have been so sad and so insecure for so long that I couldn't see a world in which I could feel okay about bringing a new human being into this world and being responsible for their happiness.
For the past couple of years, after a lot of therapy, I've slowly been getting used to the idea again - for all of the reasons you mentioned in the "good things about having children" part. But with my own history of mental illness and the fact that life is unpredictable so anything could happen, no matter how much I try to avoid it, I really don't know if it's the right thing to do. Plus the whole thing where you don't really know if you'll want to be a parent until you are a parent, and then there's no turning back, is very scary. But thank you, this video gave me some comfort. Maybe someday I'll be off the fence.
Thank you for making this video! I'm 32 and still super undecided.. I feel like I need more of a community around me and my partner to support us if we were going to have children. Not really feeling any pressure from anywhere or time pressure as we would use a surrogate and donor anyway.. So we have all the time to decide and figure out if it is for us. There is also no way my children would be in a government school, so it would be 24/7 for 18 years 🤪
I’m 26, married and have a one year old little boy! I have wanted a baby since I was about 16, always yearned to be a mother and as soon as we were married we tried for our baby. I sometimes feel the pressure to not waste my 20’s, be young and free, travel, drink, party, but it’s just not what I’ve ever wanted. My little boy makes me feel complete 🥰
Perfect timing with this video. I'm trans and might be starting hrt fairly soon. I'm in my early 20s and the question if I ever want to have biological kids seems so far away, but I have to face it NOW. It's quite challenging, because I hardly feel like I know myself and I had no idea where to start. So thank you for your writing prompts, I will definitely use them.
Sending lots of love to all of you 💗
I imagine it’s so hard to have to think about this before you’re even ready to! ❤
I'm preggers now. It's something me and my husband have always wanted to do. I've actually never had the thought "will they look after me when older?" That's because my gran is still on her feet & cognisant. The only thing that's scaring me is the childcare costs and lack of money during maternity. But that's temporary and we can make it happen x
Loved the vid! Congrats on the new baby!!💚💚💚 I'm currently a mother to a 10 mo and this was still a super relevant video for me. My son was a very happy accident for my husband and I and I love him to pieces it's truly undescribable like you say, but I struggle with whether or not I want another child. My husband and I knew we wanted children, but never how many lol. This video was the talk I needed to get me out of my own head! We still have a bit to decide whether we want more, but this gave me a new perspective, so thank you!!
I hate how the assumption is that you should want kids. The question should be: why do you want kids? Not 'Why don't you want kids?'. You're raising a literal human. If you aren't 100% sure you want it then don't do it, if you can't give solid reasons why you want kids, don't have them. It might sound harsh but I really think this is the way we should think nowadays.
Also I'm schizophrenic, I feel a huge burden on what will I pass on to my child? What if they suffer the way I did? How much was genetic Vs trauma induced? Do I have the tools to support them if they go through the same experience? It's such a difficult decision and I hate how flippant some people are about it!
Great video. I find the idea of peoples blind spots for what their needs will be in the way off in the future really interesting, I’m not sure if any of us really fully escape that. Both from the perspective of not being sure about kids and but also those folk who really desperately want a baby but are not quite considering the long term.. it’s not just a baby but a toddler, a child, an adolescent, a whole human. And the huge impact the raising of another human can have on so many aspects of life, Not quite akin to getting a puppy and not realising how much work dogs can be but there are parallels. There are sadly so many dogs in shelters for this reason.
THIS! I really hate to say it but I’ve met a couple of people in life who I suspect saw having a baby as having ‘the IN accessory’ and they were just floored by the reality. I bet Instagram and Tiktok have led to more of this … people jumping into it without ever really thinking it through!
Finally someone speaking about the hole movement of raising a child in "this horrible world". If only people not recognizing the importance of the natural world have children, who will protect and take care of it in the futur ? We need carrying people raising carrying humans. I am eternally grateful for having become pregnant with a copper IUD. Me and my husband would have never experienced the experience of parenthood, the hard and Wonderful parts. We didn't want children but the second I learned I was pregnant I just knew I needed to carry through it. No matter how much of a shock and scary it was and unprepared I was. I knew she was my gift from the universe. 🙏 Having a child Totally transformed me. I am still learning from my child everyday. They truly are the best teachers.
There are way too many people in the world who shouldn't have children. I work with kids and it's so heartbreaking to see so many little humans who are emotionally and physically neglected. I try to give them some support and comfort, but it's not going to be enough, they need their parents. Even in my family there are a few people who had a baby just because they felt it's expected of them and they were afraid it'll be too late soon. The effect? Parents and kids with a lot of mental problems.
I’m kind of on the fence. I’m 26 and single. I tend to say I don’t want kids but I can envision a scenario where I get a bit older, meet someone I truly love and would like to raise a family with, and feel that I really want that for myself. For now I really only want to have to think about myself, but that is something I could possibly tire of. One thing I really struggle with though is that I’m not necessarily glad I was born. I didn’t consent to it and sometimes (a lot of the time) I think that suffering outweighs joy in life, and how can I possibly make the decision for someone else? And that’s not even to mention climate change and all of the other issues they will inherit, or how I feel that everything is moving backwards in the world and it is becoming more acceptable to be hateful (at least where I live, America).
Sometimes lately I do feel that I am glad I was born. I can’t conclusively say it, I also may just finally be making the best out of an unchangeable situation, but until I do come to that definitive conclusion I’m not sure I can have kids. I’d need to be a little more confident that it’s not a despicable thing to impose on someone. I know that a lot of people are glad they were born and grateful to their parents for that, but that’s not a given. It’s not that I have a terrible life or anything, but life is nonetheless full of suffering and drudgery, and I can’t help but think that if I wasn’t born I wouldn’t suffer from the bad nor know to miss the good.
Always wanted children and life made me wait a little longer than what I would have prefered. But it had made me watch all my friends have their children and see all the good and the bad. Some friends have been joking that since i’ve seen all the bad maybe i would change my mind but I just want to be a mom, it’s bigger than me. Now, almost 34, I just stopped the pill and i’m hoping things will get smoothly.
Eeep, so excited for you beginning this journey! ❤
Thank you for this video. I've always wanted kids from a very young age. But I am 31 years old and chronically ill, bed ridden. Have been for years and it's keeping me from fulfilling that dream. I hope things turn around in the next few years, but a lot of things will have to line up for this to possibly happen. So we will see how things pan out. I re-visit the topic every few months with my husband to see where we're at.
I'd be so interested to know if fence sitters like myself tend to also be children of divorce and have a bad relationship with their mother. It's so difficult for me to separate the fear of essentially becoming my mother and wanting children. The people I know that are dead set on wanting them have positive relationships with their mother and their parents are still together, maybe it's easier to want something when you've seen it through a positive lense and not how it can go wrong?
I wouldn't say I had an awful mum, but definitely not great either. My dad was awful and disappeared when I was young. My worst nightmare is to become like either of my parents. But I want to break the cycle and fight and learn every day to be a good mum for my soon two littles. I LOVE families and teaching and exploring and have already build an entirely different setting to what I grew up in. First step: don't marry a narcissist!
I feel the same. Had a diffucult and stressful childhood and definitely have some things to work through like anxiety before having children of my own (if I decide to). I'm seriously on the fence though. It's weighing heavily on me the last few years as the clock ticks on. I think it would be lovely to build a loving family with my partner but am I being selfish in thinking that? Would I try to live a childhood I didn't have through my child? What if they dislike me when they're an adult?
To those single parents reading this - I'm glad my parents got divorced. I think life would have been more difficult if they had of stayed together. I was just forced to grow up very fast and exposed to adult problems because my parent didn't make good choices at times.
Thanks Melanie for opening the discussion. Nice to see both sides and different perspectives and know that there are so many fence sitters out there too.
@@catherineruane6720 I have the same internal debates as you and was glad my parents separated too but can't help thinking does that drive my more sceptical views on marriage and children, the thought of doing it alone terrifies me. It's nice to know I'm not alone in being on the fence though and not everyone has this undying maternal urge.
I am currently 28, in a relationship for the past 3 years and living together for almost 2 years now.. I grew up in a middle-class family, my parents (especially my mother) had to work hard to provide for us and put up some savings on the side. So that resulted in me spending most of my childhood with my grandparents, to whom I am really grateful. I don’t have too many memories as a 4-5 year old going with my parents for a walk in the park, or to the cinema, or just play tea time. They are very loving parents, and made sure me and my brother had whatever we needed, helped us with our problems and supported us during school and uni. But in this process, they kinda lost themselves, and only really started living once we both moved out.
I am also quite torn between wanting a baby in the next couple of years, cause I don’t want to be too old when I give birth, but seeing how overwhelming these times are and how difficult it is at the moment to save money, it makes me worry that if I were to have a baby now, I’d not be able to work, or at least be able to offer it comfort and spend enough time with it as time goes by. My partner would also like to have kids some day, but for him it is first proper job > savings > place to live and then a baby. And we know that it could take years and years if you wait for the right moment. Up until 3-4 years ago, I could not imagine myself having children. Recently I started working as a newborn photographer, and I see these emotional first moments (where no worry is as important as holding the baby you’ve brought into this world safe and sound) and deep down I know that I also want that.
i know this a deeply personal choice, and im not here to convince you. but a lot of people, including my parents, say that there will never be a moment that is truly right. of course you should be able to bring food to the table, but the rest is luxury. your baby doesnt need a big house! but that's your life, i understand that it's more expensive to raise kids in some places than others.
Hi Hazel, have you thought of maybe freezing your embryos. It is recommended for females 32 and younger to freeze them as the quality is still highest, and use it when they feel ready for it, say around age 40-45 (you might only need some hormonal starter boosts) to have a healthy pregnancy.
As a 33 year old woman I never wanted kids until ai was diagnosed with endometriosis at 16 and the thought of never being able to have that choice made it important to me. I wanted at least one child but as life has gone on I have been diagnosed with lupus and other serious issues and currently possibly a chance my fertility will be taken from me (a second possibility in my life) scares me to my core. That biological need is like a screaming dragon inside me that I want a child of my own so badly. Being told over and over again that I’d be a great mom only makes me more sad that this hasn’t happened and my financial and health situations make it a current improbable choice even with the looming possibility of losing my fertility even harder to handle. I cry every time I think about it. I think that’s how I know I want children, that I feel so devastated at the thought of not having one. Hopefully it will happen but I have to swallow the bitter pill that it might not happen. Sending you and your family lots of love.
This was so very excellent, Melanie. The way you relay your insight and experiences is fantastic.
I know what you mean about looking after someone else rather than thinking about your own feelings. I recently listened to a Hidden Brain podcast on happiness that highlighted when you ask yourself if you're happy, that can actually diminish happiness! But that's less true in eastern societies that are built more around supporting each other than western individualism! So interesting, I'd recommend listening to it!
Realistically I would love kids, however after years of trying to get into a career as a disabled woman I’ve only finally managed to break into that career at 28 I wanted and I’m only on a trainee wage. I’ll be entirely honest I don’t feel like I’m in a mental or financial position to look after children right now despite wanting my own children. My main concern is that by the time I do reach that point I won’t feel that I have the physical energy anymore. Being totally honest here and this is just my personal feelings.
I think that we need to cosnsider how blessed we are as a generation to even have so many people who are "fence-sitters". It means that we finaly realise that we have a CHOICE, and it is not a given in life that everyone must have kids. You actually need to consider why you want them or not, and not just do what everyone tells you from a young age to do (especially to women). Happily childfree woman here! 💜
P.S. To anyone who subconsciously or consciously has kids just to not be alone in old age, here is a friendly reminder that there will be so many of us when we grow old that will be childfree and you will have a community if you chose to. Especially if you make it a priority to cultivate meaningful friendships and relationships in general starting from today! Also, as sad as it is, having kids is not a guarantee that someone will take care of you when you are old. So let's all of us choose responsibly!
Loveee this! ❤️
@@melaniemurphyofficial 🙏❣
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties. We're starting to talk more about our future and kids have been one of those topics. We were both on the fence about it before meeting each other, but I think we’re more open to the idea of having them one today.
So this is kind of random to throw in, but I had a vivid dream a few months ago that my boyfriend and I were married and living in a cute little neighborhood with two kids and one on the way and my parents were helping out while he was at work. I’m not sure if I believe that dreams are trying to tell you something or predict the future, but I kind of felt like this one was.
You are awesome melanie you are one of the few youtubers who chose to have kids iam personally childfree love your intelligent videos
When you have children your mind changes .. it’s not about you, anxiety was freed up in a way, but it’s shifted.. Children change your life, for me it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done. The love is unsurpassed, the worry is the same 😅 but there are so many rewards. I have friends that don’t have children and they have a different lifestyle and I love hearing about their experiences it’s just we have different experiences.. and that’s cool 😎 but sometimes they are ‘ If you didn’t have kids’ I’m like BUT I DO!!! And I love it.. I never thought I’d have kids but it happened. It wasn’t a thought process, I do however feel so much pain for those who want to but cant
Thanks for making this video Melanie, it's definitely a nuanced, divisive and thought-provoking topic. I also love that you're so clearly living the life and making the decisions that are fulfilling and best for you, it's really heartwarming to see. And... is it just me or did almost all the stuff under "the good" also sound like bad stuff?? I recognise there is a distinct possibility that this simply points to my mind already being made up on some level.
Another advantage that balances the argument regarding climate change : you are forced to care about the world the next generation will inherit from, you have the urge to think about what comes after you, to do things (even if lot of parents don't have time, as you said) that set examples for your kids and will give them hope that everything is not lost. I notice that lot of people don"t want to have kids cause they don't have the strenght to face the world as it is and feel responsible about where it's heading. If you have some awareness, having kids can help you not being nihilistic!
I'm nearly 24 and in grad school and engaged because I'm hoping to move continets. I'm not planning to have kids any time soon but I think I would eventually but it's so good to see stories like yours of the realities of it. I think it's something I want after my PhD but I also want to know (approximately) what I'm getting into
We never wanted them at all and were very closed off to the idea of even considering it as we traveled a lot and could never imagine wanting a child. I'd say although it's sensible to carefully consider options, I know I wouldn't have decided to have one had I not had a slow growing organic gut instinct to. This then led to my partner and I talking about it and although it was scary as a child wasn't in our plans this natural feeling grew for us and then we had to go through three years of infertility and early loss which only cemented that this was the path we wanted. But it was crucial to me that it began with a feeling rather than any rational thought like shit I'm nearing my mid thirties and should think about it. Now we have our child, I still know in my gut that it was right for us (she will be an only child though!) But I also know if we hadn't of gotten through our infertility struggles we could still have been happy. There are so many different paths lives can take and many of them would be happy ones with or without a child, with or without a partner, in one particular job to another etc. My life's turned out unpredictable as I never knew I would want or have a child and I like it's not always so predictable but I would advise people to not always commit to ideals or plans as the most exciting lives are the ones that remain open to change of feeling and that don't follow society/what everyone else does.
As someone who is unsure about kids still I really like the idea of the writing prompts. I am going to save this video and come back to do this.
Now now. The fact you managed to upgrade your production quality while having a baby (and a toddler) really shows I AM SLACKING. Jokes aside, love you and your content 💕
Love this video! You are so insightful it helps spark a conversation in my head. Hope everyone is doing well ❤
I'm freshly 33 now and thinking about this so hard past year. From one side I would love to have kid with my wife, but from other I'm so afraif if I will be good mother and will have enough energy. I don't want to couse to this little person any big trauma and just give him/her plenty of love. My wife can't have children and as a lesbian couple we can't adopt in our country, so it's up to me now, as I'm starting to be slowly old in my eyes. Clock is ticking and I just want to be sure and don't regret.
Thank you, Melanie for new ways of thinnking about this topic.
Hello Melanie!
I’ve been living in Cork for 4 years and I’ll be 33 in April. I don’t have bf but I’ve been thinking about to start a family.
As you said, look after a kid it’s not easy and as I came here by my own, I’m constantly thinking in who will help me when I need it, plus I don’t drive either.
Definitely, is not a easy stage but I’m pretty sure that it’s so beautiful ❤
I really would like to experience it.
I’m sending you a big hug!!! all the best🙂
Of course it's a personal decision, but I'd just ask people to think about the world they're leaving their children with. As a childfree person, I couldn't care less about other people's children, but I'm surprised parents are happy to bring their children into this world to suffer what will probably be a crap life! Seems like such a cruel thing to do.
I addressed this in the video. This is probably the best time to be alive in human history! It’s very easy to forget the world that existed before electricity, soap, antibiotics, vaccines etc
I had a difficult childhood and have suffered with both mental and physical health conditions and this has put me off wanting children because I think it would destroy me to see them face pain and misery in their life which is inevitable but then again their experience of life could be completely different from mine. Great to see a video like this because I am 32 and on the fence ever since I turned 32 a month ago. Before then it was a big no, but whenever I think about having a baby now I literally cry (because I want one). Why is that?! Feels like my hormones are wanting one...
I resonate with that so much. I am afraid, that I cant protect them of everything