I’m a 31-year-old teacher who doesn’t want children, and I appreciate this video so much. I agree wholeheartedly on the guideline of “if it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a no.” There are so many children already out there that need support and love. As a teacher, an aunt, and a mentor, I have so many kids in my life who are incredibly special to me. I was also a girl who felt unsure about pregnancy and birth from a young age, and it was truly freeing to decide in my 30s that motherhood just wasn’t my path.
I am a 41 year-old teacher, and feel exactly the same way. Everyone seems so surprised I am a teacher without kids - we can build relationships with so many kiddos, without having to bring them into the world ourselves. 🎉
36 year old teacher! Love kids. Would love to have a child but I love my freedom so much. I also think there is so much to worry about with raising kids these days - navigating social media, the climate etc. I will spoil my gorgeous little niece instead!
30 year-old teacher. I wanted kids until I started teaching, then I realized that my career filled the longing I had for a parental/mentorship role and decided spending 7hrs with kids then going home to a calm, childless house was perfect for me.
"Children are people, and relationships with them are earned" exactlyyyy omg yes. Parents need to realize that even if they personally birth and support a child, the child *does not owe you anything* merely for existing. As a parent, that was a choice you made, for yourself.
My mother never wanted children, and knew it from a very young age, at a time when it was unthinkable for a woman to chose a childfree life. She succumbed to societal pressure and resented me and my siblings, and made sure we knew it… It was rough! Feeling like my life was not only unwanted but also a burden, messed me up badly to say the least. I understand how hard it must have been for her, and can find compassion for her in my heart - I wish for her that she would have had more of a choice - though at times it’s hard to forgive her for putting her regret on our shoulders. I’m struggling finding the answer to this question for myself, the idea of motherhood being very damaged considering my own mom’s (non)choice… Thanks for this video !
I am so sorry for what you had to go through and the kind way you put it is inspiring. I hope you find your answers. But I think there’s no wrong answer. You can be happy either way. I was never sure, I never wanted kids. Than at 37 got pregnant twice while on the pill. Terminated the 1st one but honestly by the second I am not religious, but I felt the universe was telling me something. I have an adorable, funny, happy 18 month old. And I do love him and all that. I’d be devastated if something happened to him. But I can also honestly tell you I can 100% see my life not having had him and doesn’t feel any less fulfilled. But that’s just me. If I’m being 100% honest, the only reason I’d recommend anyone have a kid is so I’m not alone in this 😅 I am not one to regret my choices, and I really don’t, but do what feels best for you. And if that’s being child free, good on you. Wishing you all the healing you deserve
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. That's seriously tough. But people need to hear this so they can avoid putting kids through this in the future
Same. My parents shouldn’t have ever had children. I’m making the most of my life and trying to manage my CPTSD the best I can, but I wouldn’t want anyone to live the life I did. That is why I push for people to have access to all reproductive health services available out there and why I advocate for religious organizations to divest from healthcare organizations. Healthcare delivery to such a diverse population should NEVER be dictated by religious dogma.
11:05 “Most boomers will…throw themselves in front of a car before they throw themselves in front of a therapist.” It’s so true, frustrating, and unfortunate.
There's no evidence that therapy actually works. I'm 34 and I've actually known people who claim to have been helped by therapy, but anecdotal evidence isn't scientific. There are studies showing seasoned therapists do not have better patient outcomes than brand new therapists. Whether or not therapy "works" appears to be random chance.
@@derek4412 I agree it's hard to define whether therapy objectively "works". I think people who would seek out therapy are generally already the kind of person it will "work" for similar to how someone who consumes finance content is generally going to be someone who is more successful with money.
Even when a male partner is in 50/50, the physical commitment of growing/delivering a child and breastfeeding don't really allow evenly splitting up child rearing during the first year! Breastfeeding is literally a full-time job. I was shocked by how much time I spent tethered to my baby.
For sure! I thought it was so ironic that never once did I feel like my body wasnt my own during pregnancy/childbirth, even though neither were easy, and that that feeling didn't come until AFTER he was born simply because the demands are so high. My husband is a great father, he did a lot to help make it easier (bottle feeding so i could sleep, taking over most of the housework, bringing me snacks while pumping, etc.), but its impossible to go 50/50 at that stage, especially when breastfeeding/pumping.
I think there are certain things that don't apply or are given when it comes to the argument of 50/50. Even in a traditional union if the man is earning all the money it still doesn't make it equal to what the woman is putting on the line for the union. Not only is the women putting her life on the line sooner to have a kid, once the kid is had she is still slowly dying everyday to serve the family just like the man. So it will never be equal. The 50/50 argument is never about being equal across the board. We can't be, that's a false application to the 50/50 argument.
@AlyssaTaylor9 for sure! Having a baby can be so overstimulating and overwhelming. I was much more prepared for my second baby because my expectations were realistic. It also shocked me how awful my body felt after delivering a baby.
18:00 “There is no shortage of children who need people in their lives.” Exactly! It takes a village; there are many different roles available that don’t require being a parent and still have a significant impact.
It's always been the parents' responsibility to raise their own children, yet sadly, the media, peers, daycare/school and extended family, etc., are raising the children of today.
When a family member asks me why I don’t have kids or want kids (I’m 35) I just straight up say - why do YOU want me to have kids? They usually don’t have an answer and then I will guilt them by saying - if you wanted what was best for me you wouldn’t want me to have children. I literally struggle through life as it is I find it so incredibly hard as it is I cannot have a kid 😊
As someone who was a fencesitter for a very long time who decided to have 1 child, I agree with most of this. The only thing I disagree with is the pervasive belief that you must be 100% hell yes on having a child. Honestly, I think its actually better going into parenting with some nervousness and fear because you're not buying into the fantasy of "being a parent is magical." I know too many women who chose to have kids in today's world without thinking about the choice at all and are struggling because it wasn't the fantasy that's so often pushed onto women. I came off the fence to have a child knowing that it was going to be super hard and some fear about my choice and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done and yet I still absolutely love my child and believe it is worth it. But I also feel like it has made me a better mother because I had some reservations about it, which made me better prepared than someone blindly going into motherhood. I also think your commentary around heterosexual couples as being spot on. My husband has always been the type to step up and take on responsibilities and has been an amazing parent, which was one of the reasons I came off the fence. But too many mothers I know struggle because their partner doesn't do their share when they believed they would.
As a woman in her mid 20s trying to think through what I want, I appreciate your perspective. These days, I seem to be leaning slightly closer to yes, with the caveat that I only want one kid. Can I ask more about what you mean when you say it’s hardest you’ve ever done? I hear that said a lot but I really want to understand why it’s hard. Like, is it hard in like a physical sense of all the energy it takes to take care of them properly or is it more of an emotional type of hard?
@@rachelwick3477 not OP but I can speak from my experience: It's hard because of the physical 24/7 you are caring for another human being. A human being who can't do many basic things. If you get sick, you can't sleep and recover, there will be times you need to still do caring and essential chores while sick, for example. It's also hard mentally because I'm always always always thinking of my child. It's exhausting at times that you can't detach yourself to enjoy things you used to enjoy or obsess over ... now my main obsession is my child. To be fair, I am a new parent, so this is slowly getting better. Emotionally it's hard because of the increased hormones and just pure genuine love and worry you have over your kid. You will feel a lot of things often and very intensely. You will imagine horrible things happening to your kid. You will lose it when they hug you for the first time. Spiritually it's hard because you are forever changed. A devoted partner or support system is KEY. That being said, I found it completely worth it. I feel like I "unlocked" a whole new chapter of what it means to be a human being. It's incredible to know someone inside and out, to feel pure love for them, more intense than anything I've ever felt.
@@rachelwick3477 It's physically, mentally and emotionally difficult. I'm still in the baby phase but pregnancy and birth (C-section) was very physically exhausting. The newborn phase was just a blur of exhaustion of every kind between my body physically recovering from birth and pregnancy, my emotions being all over the place because my life has been completely flipped upside down, as well as the hormones going wild trying to get back normal and mentally it's exhausting trying to think about everything that is baby. With all of that said, it sounds crazy but it is absolutely the best thing I've ever done. I was never a baby person (and still really don't care for other people's babies) but omg I love that little guy like I've never thought possible. It's hard to explain unless you experience it but the love I have for him just melts me. His smile, knowing how excited he is to just see me, makes all the rest of it worth it. It's absolutely incredible to watch him grow and develop and accomplish things. I'm so excited for the future as he continues to grow and develop into his own person
@@rachelwick3477 I will also say we made the choice to be one and done so it also makes me appreciate it all more knowing that I can fully enjoy the good moments and recognize the rough parts I never have to go through again because I'm not doing it again.
What I heard in my 20's and 30's about my decision to not be a parent: Coworkers (mostly Filipino and Asian BTW): "But who will take care of you when you get old?" Patients (mostly Latinos): "Poor thing" aka they thought I was sterile My own mom: "Some women just aren't meant to be mothers" aka I would be a bad parent anyway My mother in-law: "Oh, you'll change your mind, trust me" as she kept showing me her hoard of baby clothes she buys...you know...just in case. (she has a shopping addiction BTW) Adult strangers: "Why? Do you at least have pets?" Doctors I work with: "What are you...selfish?" Friends who have kids: "You are so f***king smart and I wish I could have made the same decision" Children: "Don't you like us?" Now that I'm 53 people just stay silent when I tell them I don't have kids. Finally! Mind your own damn business, people.
People today also judge people harshly for having "too many" children.: Couple has 1 child: People are generally thrilled and congratulatory. Couple has 2 children: "You're going to stop now, right?" Couple has 3 + children: "You're dumb and crazy! Can you afford them? You must be living off welfare." No congratulations, couple is openly mocked.
When I got pregnant I said to one friend that I felt guilty because the world didn’t need another human, but she said something that still resonates, no, but the world needs more moms like you ❤ raising humans is hard work I hope more people appreciate that.
Oh, god. This thing that you said about the algorithm pushing motherhood related content clicked SO hard inside of my brain. I thought I was crazy. Thank you for shedding light on that. Also, amazing video as always. You literally voiced all of my thoughts and feelings. Love you, Chelsea!
It does! It's amusing to me how the algorithms like to throw fertility treatment content at me ... because I'm a woman in my 40's and therefore I MUST be just desperate to get pregnant.
Some apps, like instagram, have a filter where you can list words. And no post with these words in the caption or text will be shown to you. I had to make heavy use of this to first not be flooded with man-woman dynamics during dating and now copious kid-content. 😅 It also helps a lot with censoring issues that are super triggering. Basically a digital safety-wall you build for yourself.
What also needs to be included in the "hell yes" is that you have to be ready for the child to not be like you. Because it breaks my heart to hear ppl got rejected by their own family for being different, like lgbt+ or not joining the family business/career etc. It made me so sad when my friend said "I don't know what I would do if my kid grew up to be stupid". Like... You gotta love them anyway. It's that simple. Children are not s vehicle for you to do/feel x y z. They are their own person.
It's so true that a sibling having kids is taking so much pressure off of you. Not even external pressure, just this feeling that your family is shrinking and that there is no youth in it anymore and your parents will never experience being grandparents. Becoming an aunt or uncle makes it so much easier.
"We understand that reproductive rights, including a woman's ability to decide whether or not to have children, are likely to be even more in question now than they were just a week ago." Hearing that statement is truly terrifying as a woman... and I’m not even American.😭
Women need to stop having sex with men who have not proven themselves worthy of being a father. That would reduce at least 50% of the problems right there.
As a pro-life woman, I'm really tired of this narrative. Lack of abortion access doesn't force anyone to be a parent. If you're aborting, you're already a parent, otherwise there would be nothing to kill. I'm not undermining issues like sexual coercion but human fetuses are human beings regardless so not being able to abort is no more being forced to be a parent than ban on killing already born children is
A few years ago, just for funsies, my mom and I decided to estimate how much she'd spent on each of us kids throughout our lives (up until HS graduation). We included school, clothes, trips, and basic things, like an estimate for food and Drs appointments. We calculated about 300-350k per kid. My mom has never expressed regrets about having us, but she got married at 21. She never got to do a lot of things she wanted to, either because her father wouldn't allow it or, later, because mine wouldn't. She had wanted to go into the air force but her dad ripped up the application, as "women just aren't fit for that". She'd started law school when she was pregnant with me, with my dad, he'd work during the day and they'd go to class at night, but he once fell asleep at the wheel and they crashed into a tree. He made her tell people she was the one who crashed, and after that, it was goodbye night classes. She was forced into a million little decisions like that and I always wonder what her life could've been if she hadn't married and had kids so early. My parents eventually divorced (obviously) and I watched my mom become a whole new person. My father is the one who wanted a divorce and she really suffered, but between us, we always say it's the best thing that could've happened to her.
I got married at 18, also had children in my early 20s and that story of your mom really resonates. I love my children and never didn't want them, but I also didn't think of it as being a choice until the past few years hearing other women in their 30s speak on it, it just wasn't a topic of conversation in my family and culture (live in the south with a latino mother). I made the decision to be "selfish" and went to do the things I wanted to do in life that being a mother bars so many women in my socioeconomic bracket from, like going to college (used the Pell Grant and alot of family support to do so), travel overseas (my sister and I planned and budgeted for us to do short trips while our kids would be with grandparents for the weekend), etc even if its been a financial burden. I don't want to feel regret for my youth that I missed out on, and now that my kids are older (1 is a teenager, other is almost there) and I'm in a better financial situation, they get to go do this stuff with me and experience so much together. I 100% do not regret these choices and I'm glad I had children young so that I'm still able to experience life with them, we kinda get to grow up together in a lot of ways.
Growing up, one of the most influential adults in my life was my mom's single and childless friend. She would be so full of life and would play with us kids, and just through that I never felt any shame for not wanting kids or being single forever because she did it and she seemed to be having the time of her life. That made that type of lifestyle seem appealing and not daunting at all when I had somebody like her to look up to growing up
She was happy because she didn't have responsibilities, but she also didn't get to reap any of the amazing rewards of being a parent. She set an example for you and changed the trajectory of your life. Yes, it is easier to not have children. If it wasn't hard, so many wouldn't be trying to avoid the responsibility, like the plague. But if we weren't a natural thing that we were supposed to do, how did any of us get here? And why is it a part of our biology?
Studies have shown that women are - statistically speaking - often happier when they are single their whole lives; the benefit is that the people around them are often better off. Go her!
@@sarahwatts7152 It's possible that what you say is true, but that doesn't mean that people who have children are deeply unhappy. On the contrary. Psalms 113:9 KJV [9]He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD. Psalms 128:1-4 KJV [1](A Song of degrees.) Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways. [2]For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee. [3]Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. [4]Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD.
As a married woman turning 38 years old next week, who is completely on the fence about having children, this video is such a f*cking SLAY. I absolutely adore kids but am unsure that children of my own make sense for my partner and me and our life together. I really appreciate your transparency, your advocacy, and willingness to put this out into the world. I am very excited to share this message with my friends. Thank you for all you do
Have you figured it out? I am turning 31 in April and I do like children in general but the thoughts of having to teach a future kid how to read, write and count already bothers me BUT I am more on the fence about what their teen years will look like and I don't know if I will ever manage.
Hi. I'd like to thank you for this video. I'm a 24 year old man questioning myself and others on this this topic and you brought me a really complete and interesting view of this very large question. I had it rough thanks to an absent father but my mom really communicated it to me so it became a subject of reflexion for me very early. I don't really want children because I know I'm not psychologically apt to do so but we never know how things will develop in like 5 or 10 years. This is why I'm always working to improve and move up from what the patriarchal society would like me to be, based on an identity feature that I did not choose. Having the opportunity to hear the opinion of women in subjects like this is an amazing chance that could not be without the internet. Anyway.. Thanks ^^
Thank you for sharing your introspection at this stage in your life. Working through these life moments and feeling free from recourse and judgement is what we all deserve. 🙌
I absolutely loved hearing CASA mentioned! I'm a child free woman who is also a CASA volunteer. For those who aren't aware CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate and it's an amazing program to be a part of if you want to have an important and tangible impact on a kid's life. I have a video about my experience as a CASA volunteer on my channel. Thanks for talking about this, Chelsea!
My step dad, who I met when I was seven, is my hero. I feel incredibly bonded to my best friend’s child and to my nephew. Thank you for highlighting the fact that parental love is not reserved for biological parents alone. It blooms where you plant it ❤
This is very timely! My husband and I have been really undecided about having a child. We know we only want one or zero, but we both keep fluctuating. To me, it is such a difficult decision because it is one of the only decisions where you can’t change your mind. You can get divorced, sell your house, quit your job etc, but you can’t decide you don’t want your kid anymore.
last week a friend visited me with her puppy - she was 7 months old and peed on my carpet and the stairs, rolled in fish and needed a bath, spilled water and food everywhere, left hair everywhere i was seriously exhausted after they left. i wanted a puppy myself and after that i said to my bf that i think i cant have one because its too much work. two days later they came back and oxytocin rushed through my veins, i was in serious love. i could not have said no if my friend asked me to keep her forever. i think some things in human biology are not possible to be weighed with logic. if you get all warm and fuzzy inside when you interact with kids, have the capacity to love them to be patient and dont have too much of your own very strong dreams and desires in life (that are not compatible with kids and cant be pushed to later) then i would say its worth a try. a lot of human life is adaptation and for some people - the ones who love to care for others- the rewards are really great. i think its hardest for the people who prefer to be alone and actually dont really like to care so much for others. its okay but its worth knowing. i grew up on a farm and it was bloody hard work, i didnt want to deal with feces all days of my life but every cuddle of the goats and cows was so much filling me up with joy and love that i didnt even care so much about the hard labor that went into keeping them alive. what im trying to say is - kids and animals create unlimited mess but they also bring rewards that are far beyond conprehension.
If you're not sure about having kids, don't. Just don't. I say this as a parent. I do not regret having mine but you need to be prepared to give everything and know that it still might not be enough. Also imagine having kids and later regretting it, or worse yet that your KIDS regret being born to YOU. Children are only a blessing if you're able to reverse the generational curse of poverty and bad parenting, and it takes real courage to admit you might not be able to do that.
I don’t understand why so many parents who claim to love being parents are online telling other people not to have kids. Some people want kids just like you did and have a small window to have them.
Children are ALWAYS a blessing. It's the parents that are not always a blessing... People should have children and just appreciate them for what they really are, rather than passing down their emotional junk to their children and thinking it's all the child's fault. That is just not the case.
@@HorrorOpossum God, your Creator, wanted you to be born and wants to have a close relationship with you. Sometimes it's strange, the parents that he gives us to, but our Heavenly Father is far greater than any earthly parent. Our earthly parents don't determine our value. God does. Psalms 27:10 KJV - When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Isaiah 49:15 KJV - Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
Hello! Great video as always, Chelsea, well spoken and thoughtful. I’m mid 70s, married 50 years, always childfree, which wasn’t a hard decision for me. I’m a believer in the rather regret not having had kids than regret having them. Not a fan of producing kids who were eventually sorry they were born, too heartbreaking. As best I can recall, any noise from family about my childfree choice stayed in the background, didn’t really register as I knew I had thought it out and what was best for me. Luckily it wasn’t an issue with my future husband and we’ve been happy with our decision.
The puppy thing is so real. My ex and I were engaged for 6.5 yrs before splitting this year, largely over having kids or not and generally disagreements related to traditional gender roles. After much stress, last year I told him officially I didn't want kids and ball was in his court to decide (he has been on the fence), and we kept going as we were. About 5 months later we ended up adopting a puppy (were not seeking it out) which I love and has been a great maternal outlet for me but has proven to me I definitely do not want kids, as it is definitely a lifestyle change. 6 months later, he tells me he DOES want kids, despite finding the dog much more of a shock in terms of the challenge of caring for her for than I did and me doing most of the day to day care, aside from when I was out of town. So, ironically, he left me with the dog so he can pursue a traditional marriage and have kids. The quiet part he's not saying out loud is he wants a wife to handle everything about it, while he gets a legacy. Meanwhile, I am now main caretaker of the dog (he suddenly moved out to a place rhat doesn't accept pets) and the one limited (e.g. travelling as I can work remotely), which was my hesitation with the dog in the first place and why I wouldn't have adopted her alone. It's worth it but feels unfair, and again confirms the concept of "don't have kids unless you would be ok being a single parent" - take it from the child of a widow, who never planned on having kids to begin with but did for my dad.
Hm, I saw a post about fostering a dog (which I didn't know was a thing) before it goes to it's forever home, and, I'm sure there's more to the process but this might be a better option for people wanting a pet but not being able to keep/readily adopt one.
I've had exes complain lots about how much time I spend with my nieces, who all "really wanted kids someday." They never liked kids, don't want to be around them, play with them, take care of them, but they will say they "want children" and even consider it a huge deal breaker if you don't. But they don't really want children themselves, I think they actually want a wife (aka domestic servant) who has her own children, to which the men simply happen to be the sperm and child support donors of. Ladies, if you are considering having children with a man, if you aren't 100% sure loves kids, don't fall into that trap. If he throws a fit over doing kids activities, having kids around, or having to watch children, then he's lying when he says he wants children. I DON'T want children at all, and I am more caring and parental than all of the men I see, who basically say they wouldn't touch a woman with a ten-foot pole if she isn't ready to drop trou and start breeding ASAP.
I was so baffeld at the amount of comments I got regarding our decision of having kids. Mostly positive (apparently I had the „right“ amount at the „right“ time), but still! This is a very very personal decision and still everyone around us (even strangers) needed to voice an opinion about that. Crazy!
Exit polls show men gravitated towards Trump. Women in the US should consider engaging in the 4B strategy of attrition: No dating, no marriage, no intercourse, no child birthing. If a man has voted to reduce a woman to property, he should be denied access to that "property ownership".
Ha, I've been unintentionally doing this already 😅. I don't want kids so I want a tubal ligation before I sleep with someone as I don't trust any other birth control. But having the procedure is expensive. I also wanted a better job and living situation so that I had something to show for myself. I kind of have those (though I'm a renter), but now it turns out that I like living alone 😅. Not saying I won't ever want a partner, but it is admittedly difficult to take the idea of dating seriously because at any point, I'm completely happy with returning to living on my own.
I’m in my 50’s but have been following this series and think your commentary is wise and spot-on. I’ve received pressure and judgement through every stage of life, often confusing and contradictory advice. It’s valuable for young women to learn who they are and what they truly want bc someone is going to criticize every single decision you make. May as well make the ones tailor made for your best life.
Gave it a like and positive comment before the video hit the 2nd minute. But honestly, loving your candid talk. I went on a date once with somebody who I had known as a friend for years. He literally said "but adopting a child isn't as good as having one biologically. An adopted kid isn't your real kid." I'm adopted. I saw red. I was a hero for even finishing our ice cream and politely saying goodbye. I haven't spoken to him since. Blood doesn't make a family... love, kindness, and acceptance does.
It always blows my mind that people think this way!! It makes me wonder what about parenting and children those people actually value. Because if it was just loving and caring for a child, they wouldn’t see it that way. It makes me think that for them, it’s more about recreating a part of themselves. My dad was adopted 💛.
Men think like this most of the time because their only biological purpose is to pass along their genes. Women are more nurturing and open minded about taking care of life in general because that is our nature.
If he was a friend before your date then did he know that you're adopted? When I read that my jaw was on the floor. I know several adopted people and all of them love their parents a lot.
On the topic of adoption, we need more good adults adopting and fostering in general. I have a complex history with the system but was a ward of the state and later adopted. The adopted family was worse than my family of origin in alot of ways. They weren’t ready to have kids but wanted them, and weren’t prepared if you asked any of the questions Chelsea does. This could have also been a situation where the big brother or sister programs can help. Any child type of child advocate position. The people that I remember the most are teachers or adults I met through random programs that showed me kindness through the years. The key is just be a positive influence and be supportive of any children you are around. To note, I would be considered a success of the system and saw many cases that were far worse.
If I ever get my finances in order I would like to adopt. However, your advice is so good it takes a village it's not about simply having a child it's about helping nurture the next generation and there are many ways to do this.
I can only speak for myself. I’m 31 years old. I’ve always wanted a family. But I will not be having more children for at least the next 4 years (I already have one). I’m not getting rid of the dream of having more kids entirely, but it’s definitely been put on hold. There’s so many things happening in the world right now that’s influencing that decision. One of them is losing access to care if something goes wrong during pregnancy. Another is I think it’s about to become a lot harder to be a mom. I need to better myself for the child I already have. Its definitely not easy!
My wife and I were extremely anti-having kids (and I fully support women who stay this way), but then suddenly decided at 38 we really wanted them. We have two kids we love now. My childfree friends treated me like I'd betrayed them and half of them just straight up stopped including me. It was heart-breaking. I understand it's to do with the fact I'd had kids making them feel invalidated in their own decisions but MAANNnnnn. One of the things childfree people need to allow is that sometimes people will change and want them later, and the freedom to choose also means the freedom to change your mind.
It doesn't feel like you invalidated us. God, imagine being so arrogant you think that. How typical of a new parent. It's that you're no longer someone we want to associate with. We don't want to hear about your kids, or potty training, or school issues. You're right, you have the freedom to change your mind, but we also have the freedom to choose not to continue a friendship with you if you do.
@@krn2683 Oh babe you're assuming so many things. Firstly, you're assuming all childfree parents as as anti-children and anti-parent as you are, which is not the case. Secondly, you're assuming I haven't actually discussed their feelings with them - I have. They've told me how they felt and how it felt like I was "proving people right that they'll change their mind" and that they'd imagined us all travelling as childfree seniors etc and it felt like *I'd* abandonned *them* in that. Finally, you're assuming they stopped including me AFTER I had kids. In fact, the three that really baulked at it stopped including us as soon as we said we were CONSIDERING kids. They're entitled to their feelings, and I'm entitled to feel heartbroken about it. You're not entitled to be super nasty to parents just because you don't want to be one, though.
Hey, so your childfree friends are not obligated to maintain the same relationship with you throughout every stage of your and their lives. Your lives now look starkly different while they continue to enjoy the same amount of free time they’ve always had. So, while it may feel upsetting that you feel they’re “leaving you out”, they’re completely allowed to prioritize people in their circles who have made similar decisions and who lead a life they can relate to. Just as you’re free to make more friends with children.
I have so much I could say, but for now, all I'll say is thank you for making this. As someone who is childfree and turning 30 in 2 weeks, this was extremely validating. Let my clock run out!
If you're waiting to be 100% ready then that's never going to happen. You just have to close your eyes and jump in if it's something you want to do. I was on the fence and took the plunge in my late 30s and I am so profoundly happy that I did. Is my life more stressful? Somewhat, but the rewards make up for it and no longer stress myself out about thing that used to matter (a perfectly decorated and clean house, a full social calendar, etc). I have deep sense of happiness and fullfillment I did not have before and was not expecting to feel this way. I knew I would love my son but have never felt so content in my life so I couldn't fathom that it was even possible to feel this way. And in a lot of ways my life has also become simpler. All the things that I used to fill my life with to help give it meaning just aren't as important anymore. My social calendar is way less full, I don't have time or money to be going out all the time, and I care less about being "cool", but it's made realize that those things were never what was truly important. It's also galvanized me to want to make the world a better place. Also want to add I'm not a "mommy" person, aka none of my friends have kids, and frankly I hate mom culture that you see online. It doesn't have to be that way and YOU don't have to be that way. You can still be you, a mother (or father) to your child, and not get sucked into the insane parenting and mommy shit that's online. Our house is still our house and not totally tuened into a kid zone (albiet with some baby proofing lol), we do still get time to ourselves as individuals to spend time with friends, and I still feel like me. Well the first few months with a a newborn are rough, no lying about that, but it gets better. Just don't let yourself get sucked into parenting content because it will make you feel like nothing you do is ever enough and you should sacrifice every moment of every day intensively parenting your child. You can be a good parent and still retain your sanity
Thank you so much for acknowledging how bad things could get at the start of this video. Men running arounding saying the words "Your body, my choice" makes this all the more nessassary. I'm considering an IUD for the first time in my life because I don't trust these men. I want kids but have already had a miscarriage due to endometrousis so I've gotta have more control over when and how I get pregnant or I could end up prosecuted. F*cking insanity.
You might find some resonance or food for thought in the growing global 4B movement. You will definitely find many women who are where you are at. I’m older now, divorced, happy not dating, and have a CF adult daughter. Best wishes with your decision. Take good care of you
Just a nod to IUDs, I've been very satisfied with the copper IUD. To me its been very well worth it. I know that hormonal IUDs can relieve endometriosis symptoms, but that's obviously something to talk about with your doctor.
37-yo man here, single, no children and had a vasectomy this summer for both personal and broader societal/ecological reasons. I do feel it's a weight off my chest, but I also am having to accept that now my dating pool is extremely small, as most women do still want children. But I hold on to some hope that there will be someone out there who's aligned. At least now my family doesn't ask me about it any more.
My husband (we are both 36) got the procedure done last year but I would like to get my tubes tied because those things can spontaneously heal themselves so I still don't feel 100% confident. I'm still using hormonal birth control largely because I don't want to have a period anymore but I'm worried about that being taken away soon.
I wouldn't recommend having kids unless you really want them. Yes, there are positives, but the negatives are so onerous unless you're already well off financially or have a lot of family help/resources. The US makes child rearing really expensive and difficult. And it's so complicated logistically with childcare, illness, school vacations/holidays, etc.
I know I’m late to this video but in case anyone sees this, you can go into your UA-cam ad settings and select to not see ads pertaining to pregnancy/motherhood anymore! My algorithm loves that I’m in that demographic but I don’t want to see diaper ads for anything ever, so I turned that setting on to eliminate those and it made a huge difference!
This has been the topic of conversation in my household this week. We made our decision, but with some planning and work that needs to happen first. Once we pay off the last of the debt, not including our house, it's going to be the move. we may not live the most lavish life in some mansion with brand new cars, but we have everything we need with some to spare with a slowly growing retirement fund. I appreciate you giving the disclaimer at the beginning, and everything you do.
Thank you for this. I have a lot of mental illnesses from both sides of my family and a few not-so-great medical conditions as well, and I don’t think I could physically, mentally, and emotionally handle carrying a baby and birth… much less raise a child. And then there’s the fact I might pass on those mental illnesses and medical issues. I just don’t think that’s right, but it’s been a huge struggle lately because I have people that won’t shut the hell up about me having a kid or not. But my husband, who is amazing, said it is 100% up to me if I want to have a child with him. If I don’t want to, he doesn’t want to. If I end up wanting a kid a few years, he will be on board. And that’s one of the many reasons I love him for it: no pressure.
I was strongly childfree (a zero) my whole life, even as a kid I never wanted them. Now I'm 26 and opening up to the idea, it feels weird and I don't want to tell anyone because EVERYONE will be like "see I told you you'd change your mind" or "I knew it!!” like no, you didn't. My childfree choice was valid, my current fence sitting is valid and if I have a child it doesn't invalidate my previous feelings. Ugh, why do people care about others' choice.
Just finished reading ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ and it really opened my eyes to some new ways of guiding my kids in their faith. Highly recommend it if you’re looking to strenghten your family’s spiritual life
8:23 Thank you Chelsea for calling out the judgement that comes from all directions - as a mum of one, I constantly face unsolicited opinions about my choice, despite having a loving partner and a happy, complete family. I imagine the pressure and comments about giving our child a sibling or assumptions that they'll be lonely are just as intrusive as the judgement child-free people face.
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for making this. We need to critically examine our life (support structures, time/resources, our life-long needs and wants, etc.) before making such a massive and ~potentially dangerous~ decision. From the actual bottom of my heart, thank you for making this video!
I am also 35, have been with my partner for almost 14 years, and we are child free. I was 16 when I came to the realization that I wasn’t interested in ever having children, I meet my husband when we were 21/22, told him having children would be a deal breaker for me, he said he was okay with not having children, in 2022 after 11 years together and 6 years of marriage my husband told me he wanted to get a vasectomy, and still to this day when we have an announcement the first thing people want to hear is that we decided to have kids. My husband has also stood ten toes down that we decided we didn’t want to have our own children and defends our decision to people who feel that have the right to have an opinion about us not having children.
Very informative video! My daughter has been struggling with this particularly because she lives in TX. I support whatever she decides but i absolutely hate that she has to factor in "handsmaid tale laws" as a reason.
I have 2 daughters and constantly get asked when I’m going to have a son. Like I can just choose the sex of my child! No matter what you decide, it’s never good enough for people. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you aren’t sure about.
I wish they would stop showing babies. Children are only babies for 1 year. Then you have a mini adult in your family for the next 18. People need to think about children as mini adults. 😂 I have 3
I am a teacher and I always say that people always talk about mental health of children but mental health of people in house and out of the house who deal with children esp age 7-8 onwards is rarely talked about. Esp after 10 years children do want rights of adults without the responsibility and this puts a lot of pressure on people around them.
My daughter is 3 years old now and for me she is so much more fun than as a baby. Of course, you cannot skip the baby phase but my view of having children has always been school-going children. Babies are cute, also for me as a man, but a toddler is so much more fulfilling in a regular life
This. I don’t want to hear from ppl with babies. I need to hear from ppl with kids 9+ cuz that’s when I think it sinks in and they become real ppl. Babies are easy
The unsolicited opinions about your child status continues after your 30's unfortunately. When I reminded my aunt I'm in my 40's now and don't want children, she said, "Abraham's wife had a baby at 90 years old". Seriously. I laughed it off, because what else can you do?! 😆
As a parent of two, I agree with the others who say being on the fence about having kids is actually a no. I believe people should only have children if they can envision all of the possible worst-case scenarios and still feel a wholehearted ‘yes’ to it all.
I would agree, except I think a 'maybe' is different at 25 than at 35. Sooo many of my friends were unsure in their early to mid 20s about having children, and then suddenly the intense urge to have a baby hit in our late 20s and for sure by 30. A few friends who were indifferent to having kids suddenly had baby fever. We are all in our late 30s now, only 1 school friend doesn't have a child and it brings her a huge amount of pain and regret... she admits she clung on to her 'child free, I don't need a man persona' a few years too long and now she has run out of time. So at 35 if someone is feeling calm in their decision not having kids, they have absolutely made the right decision for themselves, but I'd tell a 25 year old to keep an open mind and don't close off any choice too early.
Oh TFD. Oh Chelsea. You have no idea how much I needed this video! I’m in the (self-induced) twilight hours of my fertility. I’ve scheduled my bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy) for a few weeks from now and it’s like the algorithm is having one last crack at me. The performative motherhood posts are unrelenting. And I had a moment tonight when the permanence of what I’m doing caused me to pause and question myself - even though my husband and I are VERY much child free by choice. And have been since date #1 (yes, I brought it up). Thank you for putting into words all the things which led me to this decision. The puppy analogy - perfection. Couples that aren’t 50/50 with young kids- painful to witness. The myriad of other ways to positively contribute to a child’s upbringing- so reassuring. Thank you ❤ from the bottom of my soon to be excised fallopian tubes. Edit to add: that article in the NYT today about boomers coming to grips with not having grandchildren 🙄 again, needed this content today. I’m so grateful my mother is supportive but seeing that article was just laying it on thick.
Loving the childfree content! Thank you. I'm 54 and knew in my twenties that I did not want to have anything to do with having or working with/around children. Best decision ever!
As not a woman, I am a cishet Filipino American, my YT algorithm keeps pushing ADHD and Autism content to me and I am neither. I’m also childfree due to shitty parents! (Got the snip in 2023) How do I meet childfree women? Or make childfree man friends? TFD start a dating thingy!
My grandma is the best grandma. When I recently told her my fiancé and I aren’t having kids, I was surprised by her response. She said when she was married she never pictured herself married or as a mom. Her parents though said she should be married and have children. She ended up finding herself in an abusive relationship with my grandpa until my mom and her siblings were adults. I always wondering why she never had boyfriends why my grandpa had a few girlfriends. She just never wanted a relationship, and his abuse certainly didn’t sway her into wanting one either. That made me sad knowing my grandma didn’t want the life she got, but has since made the most of it.
Great conversation! Also, children are people who may grow up to struggle a lot, or my worst fear, just not be a good person who you can safely be around. My son is two so I hope that won’t be the case. I never understood how people assume there kids will be their retirement plan. They may not be willing/able too.
20:50 yes!!!!!!! and the "i will have children by the time im x", but they do nothing to be actually prepared to be a parent, a partner, or even just a financially stable human being. a child is not your milestone!!!!!!!
The child who is most in my life right now is my husband's-aunty's-stepgrandson. My husband's aunty never had kids but now she's helping to raise him. That just to say family is expansive and children enter our lives in different ways than just having our own.
I've never felt drawn to motherhood, and for a long time I thought I disliked children altogether, but a few years ago when my generation of the extended family started popping out kids, I was like "oh.... I was BORN to be an aunt." I love those kids so much and I love being part of their support network. Thank you for naming the "village" concept at the end of the video, it makes me feel valid in my choices and gives me a framework to explain them to others.
💯 to everything you said!!! My husband and I have always wanted to be parents and feel like being one and done (OAD) is the best decision for our family. However, lots of people still seem to have outdated views of OAD families and only children. It's nuts how many times I see women telling other women to "just go for it" when they're on the fence about having a child or having more children. I'm in the camp where if it's not a HELL YES, it's a NO. Bringing a new human life is a decision that needs to be made with intention and thought.
This was a breath of fresh air. I’ve always told myself that I want to be married with kids by the time I’m 30. But the closer I approach that age the more I realize that I’m just getting started with my life. I enjoy my independence and career. And what I believed all those years was based on what I saw in society. I feel judged for prioritizing my freedom, especially from older women, but I love it here.
This video was so good, you expressed how many child free women feel so perfectly and in such a respectful way. I rarely comment but this topic is really important to me
To birth & bring up the children is very difficult: physically (pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding the baby, sleep deprivation for many months or years), psychologically (being always afraid of everything, what can be dangerous for kids, feeling of guilt, when you do something wrong, being disrespected by teenagers, whom you spent many years taking care of), financially. So think really hard, before deciding to get children.
I am one of those who feels unsure about having kids. I'm 36 yo. I feel this way for a few reasons. I don't have a village esp a mother to show me/help me raise a kid as she passed away a few years ago. I am terrified of bringing a kid into the world and leaving them abruptly. I have always thought I'd make a great mum but I feel that HeLL yes I want a kid just isn't there. I am also terrified of having a kid in today's world. The trajectory that the planet is heading is not good. If jobs are difficult to get now wth is gonna happen in the next 29 years when my kid is ready to look for a job. What temp is the climate gonna be at?? What world am I really bringing this kid into? Just some valid fears of mine...
Relatable, except I recently came down hard on not having kids after thinking harder about the economic situation in my country and seeing my sister’s exhaustion after having hers. My life has been difficult, my child’s is likely to be even moreso, and I don’t possess the resources to give them a soft landing if I’m correct about this. Plus if my partner passed or I had a disabled child, I am disabled myself and I’m not sure I would be able to control my overwhelm.
Great video essay. I'm sharing it with everyone I know because more people need to hear this. This channel is a gem, thank you for the work you put in to counter mainstream / old-fashioned ideas. Love from Spain to the whole TFD team!
I'm a 29-year-old woman(-ish) and my opinion has always been "I don't have the urge to have kids, but I'm open to changing my mind" and I'm approaching an age where I feel like I really need to be more certain about that. My father in particular has been annoying about it, but the angle he has been taking the last few years is "who will take care of you when you're old, if you don't have kids" and as selfish as it is... thats the angle that makes me feel the pressure. The nuclear family structure and the terrible way we treat our seniors bc we lack a village for them too, it feels like the best way to be helped in old age is to have someone several decades younger than you who is willing to care for you or fight to make sure the care you are paying for is adequate. Aaaaand it feels like the most secure way to have someone like that is if you raise them yourself, with all the care and love you hope they will return later. I don't really know what to do with any of these thoughts but felt like airing my anxieties
Chelsea is like my second therapist. But in serious, I found it so interesting that Chelsea mentioned wanting to adopt children when she was younger, because I had that same fantasy mindset. Now I’m 34, happily child free, and living my best auntie life. I get to spoil my nieces and leave when I want and get botox and hop on a plane when I’d like. A big FU to anyone who looks down on a life like mine (but also I’m on a plane to Copenhagen so I’m looking down on theeeeemmmmm 😉✈️
I rarely comment on videos, but watching this brought such relief that I thought I'd share my experience. My mom says that I, as a child, would always mention being a mother when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up (mind you, she might be culturally programmed to remember these kinds of motherhood desires on my part). Now, in my late twenties and having gone back to school recently, I had been feeling anxious as to if I'm going to be both biologically and financially "on time" to be a mom. I've being going through the experience of telling apart what I actually want versus what I've been told I should want for a long time. And I've come to the conclusion that my calling is to care for a child, not necessarily to give birth to them. My partner and I have had long talks about fostering and, although before watching this video I was pretty sure our decision would be to foster, now I'm almost 100% certain about making that choice. "There is no shortage of children who need people in their lives". This idea you bring of the forever-lasting opportunity to care for a child is such a relief to me. I'm going to cherish it to no end. Thank you.
If you want household labour to be 50/50 after kids, the would be dad needs to ready to take on 70% of the duties because being a bio-mom comes with a whole host of mom-only duties; namely breastfeeding if that's the plan. This coming from a stay at home dad.
8:40 People having more than 1 kid in NYC? Better be making a million dollars a year or more 😭😭😭 Kids in the city and the housing space for them is so expensive 😭😭😭
thanks for this vid i feel seen lol. im 34 now, and i wish not having kids was more accepted in today's society. my 37 year old gf of 8 years and i broke up recently bc i'm like 90% not interested in being a parent, and she still wants kids despite knowing she'll likely struggle if she has them. we stayed together so long bc i kept pushing it off thinking i might change my mind, and she kept thinking maybe she'd change her mind about not wanting them. it never happened
I'm still on the fence myself, my guy. 2-year relationship, she's sure of being a parent, and I'm not necessarily opposed to it. Were there any factors that tipped you to and fro in your position?
As a woman, I too used to go back and forth on the topic. The thing that finally put me firmly in the "no" camp was when I was 22. I was still living at home and was between jobs. The nieces of my mom's then boyfriend and their father lived with us for a few months. Because I was between jobs, I was asked to look after them when everyone was at work. I wasn't thrilled whatsoever with the idea, but being jobless, I didn't have a good reason to say no. The two girls were five and six and were absolute sweethearts. They called me "miss" ("Miss Samanta", lol. My name is Amanda, but when I say "My name's Amanda", it sounds like "Samantha", the name of a friend they had at school, but they couldn't pronounce the "th" part very well. So they just blended the name, lol. It was rather cute). They were pretty well-behaved except for a few moments of roughhousing, which isn't unusual for kids. But I was confused on what to do with them. The situation solved itself once they saw my laptop and wanted to go on the websites for Nickelodeon and Disney. After confirming these were the legitimate sites and never allowing them to go to anything else, I realize I became essentially an "iPad parent". For the two months they lived with us, that's pretty much all they did. One of the girls looked like she maybe would like video games, but I only had LittleBig Planet on my PSP, and that was too hard for her. I had no money to buy something easier for her. I regretted this as video games are so heavily pushed towards boys that I wanted to help get another girl into non-mobile gaming, like myself. But, eventually my laptop got a Blue Screen of Death and I had no other methods of entertaining them. Thankfully, not too long afterwards, they left. And...still to this day, over a decade later, I think that is probably the happiest day of my life. It was over. I no longer had to be responsible for them (which I also took care of feeding them as well). I finally could be left alone to be an introvert. It felt so FREEING. I knew then that if I hated having to temorarily look after two very sweet kids, I would be a neglectful parent to my own kids. I just don't have the mental fortitude for it. While I still have yet to enact it, I've wanted to have my tubes tied ever since that day. I'm very happy though to have had that experience to help with my decision. By the way, for two months of looking after those kids, I was only given $100 🤬😂
@@thesciencer1015 i think financially i knew we'd be okay but wouldn't be thriving. Like its already hard enough to live on our salaries just us two, with a kid it'd make our monthly expenses way higher, especially given the price of childcare. Also it was never a "hell yea" for me as she mentions in the video. if you're on the fence, it's probably a no
19:20 that’s interesting though because I have a bad relationship with my mom, and that INSPIRED me to want to become a mother. I was committed to becoming the mother I WISH I had. I am now correcting all her wrongs.
My mom was the same. She had a horribly abusive childhood and told herself she would be the mother she never had. I had a wonderful childhood thanks to her and she broke the cycle of abuse.
I thought that when I was a teenager, but for me at least, it was a very vengeful attitude. In my 20s I realised I'm not as different from my parents as I liked to think. Now in my 30s, I'm beginning to think I might trust myself enough to do better... but frankly there's so many other factors (illness, financial, general-state-of-the-world... etc etc) that having a kid really isn't a priority. And they deserve to be a priority. Wanted for themselves, and not to prove a point. (Not saying this is you, but that it would have been for younger me)
This is the best video I have seen in a long time! As a 36 year old woman who has been married for 12 years and has chosen (and made a permanent decision!) to be child free, we need more content like this. The algorithms are ridiculous, every other Instagram reel is a pregnancy announcement or gender reveal! I hate feeling like I have “disappointed” our families, there is so much shame surrounding it that we have chosen not to tell them my husband chose to have this surgically decided last year because of the reaction we will get! As an agnostic couple, this world revolves entirely too much around religious beliefs and I’m tired of the “sad aunt who doesn’t have kids” narrative! I’m still trying to figure out how not having kids is selfish… we “adopt” multiple angel tree kids, serve on our HOA boards where we plan community events for families, volunteer, etc etc etc. Childfree people are a necessary and valuable part of the community!
I’m really thankful for my parents being really progressive yet being boomers. I’m 37 and my gf is 34, we were just hanging out with my mom and the topic of children came up. Between the constant fear of being laid off and having lived with roommates up until 3 years ago, kids were just never anything that crossed my mind. I know she had a lot of struggle in raising my sister and I without much help from my dad. Back in the day, everyone just had kids because that’s what everyone assumed came next in life. I finally found a job after 15 months of unemployment but that means we’ll have to do the long distance thing for awhile, and I can’t imagine what it would be like if we had a kid.
“Oh just do it, you’ll be fine!” Another thing I can’t stand hearing. When I tell friends and family that my wife and I are doing things to prepare our lives for children so that we have a more secure environment to raise them in that’s comfortable for the kids and us. We always get hit with the “oh just do it, we had kids in a one bedroom apartment in the city and everything turned out fine!” That’s your life, we don’t have to do it the way you did. It’s not because we think we couldn’t do it. Are we not being smart by making an intentional decision to have kids at the time we deem to be the most ideal??
I’m only 22 years old but I’ve always kind of known i’ve leaned towards not having children. And I just have to say, Chelsea you are someone I really look up to for how to navigate my finances and get myself set up well for the future. Your info and content is always so well-put and it’s helped me in so many ways with getting back on track with my finances and with my life in general. 💙
I'm now 42. As teenagers we were told daily about how babies were expensive and will ruin your life. They never really taught us when to have them so they don't ruin your life. I was married in my 20s. We were poor. I kept thinking maybe my inlaws would get angry at me and we don't have the money for it. The money never happened, we got divorced. I later realized everyone wanted me to have thar kid, but didn't tell me, there were hints. How many of us didn't have kids because we didn't outgrow the idea of "babies will ruin your life" pushed on us daily in the 90s? I wanted those children, but I'm a realist. I only recently got out of poverty. I can only afford a studio apartment. My job is not only tolerable, I like it. I don't want to have a child so badly that I will push myself back into poverty.
Chelsea, this is an excellent essay. You echo many of my thoughts on this subject. Thank you for this very compelling overview of what this choice entails for women.
I wish so bad I had a friend like you in my life. I’ve tried so long to find like minded people and it’s so frustratingly difficult. It’s hard to be constantly alienated for my views on life, but listening to this reminds me that I’m not alone.
I’m only 27 and at this point in my life I have been a legal guardian for two of my siblings and now I have guardianship of my teenage sister in law. IM TIREDD. Like you said there is no shortage of children, my friends are having children and I love that for them but it’s just not something I want for myself at this point. I would rather regret not having children than having them.
I chose to stay single and childfree last year at 26 years old. I don’t have a good history with men or mental illnesses; and I don’t want to sacrifice myself for a man and kids.
16:34 - so true! Especially if you’ve been successful in your life, you can be an amazing mentor to young people and help them out so much more than just helping one of your own children with everything. I have some older friends who are in many ways mentors to me, they don’t have children but we call each other every week or so and keep updated of each other’s lives.
i'm 25 and haven't made a decision but my career choices so far are making it look like kids are gonna be a later-in-life-decision for me at the moment. this video is making me feel more settled in taking the time to really make that choice whenever i'm ready. one of the best things that i keep reminding myself about is the same idea you mentioned about there never being a shortage of kids who need love and support. it makes me feel like no matter what relationship i have with the kids in my life, i can still be an influential person in a child's life without birthing them myself. ❤
I cackled when you said that we all see the difference in opposite sex couple around us where men show up 50/50 in relationships and parenting and those who don’t. Uhm, no. Some of us HAVE NEVER SEEN a man show up 50/50 in parenting. I wish it weren’t so but that’s my reality and the reality of everyone around me. It’s also why I can’t ever imagine myself being with a man again. I don’t need and certainly don’t want another relationship where I’m always giving far more than getting.
This is amazing, thank you! I'm married to a wonderful and beautiful woman, and it just adds a whole other layer. It's hard to know if I truly want to be child-free, or if the perceived obstacles (political, physical) and my lack of desire to experience them prevent me from pursuing what will inevitably be a difficult process. I really appreciate the thought about having children in my life, regardless of guardianship status. This was really powerful, thank you Chelsea!!
Im 51 and childfree with no regrets. I was hassled by my family until my late 40s. I never let it get to me, I lived my life my way. It has nothing to do with kids, I just knew from a young age that I didn't want to parent. I did always want to be the favorite aunt, so i have spoiled my friends kids. There are a lot of parents out there really struggling and i feel for them.
Late 30's guy here who is financially secure with a home but no desire for kids, they are an enormous responsibility and once you have them there are no returns, refunds or taking breaks from being a parent. I'm not ready for that long term responsibility and I value to my free time and peace and quite. I'm happy with just spoiling my sister's kids whenever I visit them heh.
I’m 31 and have been loud and proud about being childfree by choice since my teens. Got my tubes removed at age 23 and zero regrets. I try to encourage everyone to be honest about their true feelings about parenthood and if they know they don’t want kids to be intentional about it! Don’t leave it to chance or date someone who wants to change your mind!
Bravo, thank you for such a nuanced and well articulated view on whether to have kids or not, especially from a woman's perspective in this often times anti-woman society. I was pretty heavily leaning on being child-free until my mid thirties, where I decided that I really needed to decide once and for all one way or another. I did in the end decide to have one child (so far, but I doubt I will have anymore), and found it surprising how quickly people moved their interrogations from "but why won't you have a child?!" to "but when will you give the baby a sibling?!", even before I had even remotely gotten to grips with this new world of being a mother. Thank you so much for voicing and reaffirming so many of the thoughts I had pre-kids, and still have now after having had one!
Working for a mentoring organization shifted my perspective on parenting in positive ways. I don't think everyone needs to be a parent, but we should all consider being mentors in some capacity.
I’m a 31-year-old teacher who doesn’t want children, and I appreciate this video so much. I agree wholeheartedly on the guideline of “if it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a no.” There are so many children already out there that need support and love. As a teacher, an aunt, and a mentor, I have so many kids in my life who are incredibly special to me. I was also a girl who felt unsure about pregnancy and birth from a young age, and it was truly freeing to decide in my 30s that motherhood just wasn’t my path.
I am a 41 year-old teacher, and feel exactly the same way. Everyone seems so surprised I am a teacher without kids - we can build relationships with so many kiddos, without having to bring them into the world ourselves. 🎉
@@curiousfirely no eggs
36 year old teacher! Love kids. Would love to have a child but I love my freedom so much. I also think there is so much to worry about with raising kids these days - navigating social media, the climate etc. I will spoil my gorgeous little niece instead!
30 year-old teacher. I wanted kids until I started teaching, then I realized that my career filled the longing I had for a parental/mentorship role and decided spending 7hrs with kids then going home to a calm, childless house was perfect for me.
@@jentaylor2055 Yeah I can so relate!
"Children are people, and relationships with them are earned" exactlyyyy omg yes. Parents need to realize that even if they personally birth and support a child, the child *does not owe you anything* merely for existing. As a parent, that was a choice you made, for yourself.
My mother never wanted children, and knew it from a very young age, at a time when it was unthinkable for a woman to chose a childfree life. She succumbed to societal pressure and resented me and my siblings, and made sure we knew it… It was rough! Feeling like my life was not only unwanted but also a burden, messed me up badly to say the least. I understand how hard it must have been for her, and can find compassion for her in my heart - I wish for her that she would have had more of a choice - though at times it’s hard to forgive her for putting her regret on our shoulders. I’m struggling finding the answer to this question for myself, the idea of motherhood being very damaged considering my own mom’s (non)choice… Thanks for this video !
I am so sorry for what you had to go through and the kind way you put it is inspiring. I hope you find your answers. But I think there’s no wrong answer. You can be happy either way. I was never sure, I never wanted kids. Than at 37 got pregnant twice while on the pill. Terminated the 1st one but honestly by the second I am not religious, but I felt the universe was telling me something. I have an adorable, funny, happy 18 month old. And I do love him and all that. I’d be devastated if something happened to him. But I can also honestly tell you I can 100% see my life not having had him and doesn’t feel any less fulfilled. But that’s just me. If I’m being 100% honest, the only reason I’d recommend anyone have a kid is so I’m not alone in this 😅 I am not one to regret my choices, and I really don’t, but do what feels best for you. And if that’s being child free, good on you. Wishing you all the healing you deserve
@@mds8255 Thank you ! That's very sweet. And thank you for sharing your own story.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. That's seriously tough. But people need to hear this so they can avoid putting kids through this in the future
@@mds8255thank you for sharing ❤
Same.
My parents shouldn’t have ever had children. I’m making the most of my life and trying to manage my CPTSD the best I can, but I wouldn’t want anyone to live the life I did.
That is why I push for people to have access to all reproductive health services available out there and why I advocate for religious organizations to divest from healthcare organizations. Healthcare delivery to such a diverse population should NEVER be dictated by religious dogma.
11:05 “Most boomers will…throw themselves in front of a car before they throw themselves in front of a therapist.”
It’s so true, frustrating, and unfortunate.
The ones who do get other boomer therapists who just sign off a green light on their behavior
I got a good cathartic laugh from that, thanks Chelsea
There's no evidence that therapy actually works. I'm 34 and I've actually known people who claim to have been helped by therapy, but anecdotal evidence isn't scientific. There are studies showing seasoned therapists do not have better patient outcomes than brand new therapists. Whether or not therapy "works" appears to be random chance.
@@derek4412 I agree it's hard to define whether therapy objectively "works". I think people who would seek out therapy are generally already the kind of person it will "work" for similar to how someone who consumes finance content is generally going to be someone who is more successful with money.
@@lisaburke7506 Excellent point. There may be a selection bias built in.
Even when a male partner is in 50/50, the physical commitment of growing/delivering a child and breastfeeding don't really allow evenly splitting up child rearing during the first year! Breastfeeding is literally a full-time job. I was shocked by how much time I spent tethered to my baby.
Yeah having children is not 50/50, it was important to us to be fluid and dynamic as needs, and who’s better to fulfill them, change.
For sure! I thought it was so ironic that never once did I feel like my body wasnt my own during pregnancy/childbirth, even though neither were easy, and that that feeling didn't come until AFTER he was born simply because the demands are so high. My husband is a great father, he did a lot to help make it easier (bottle feeding so i could sleep, taking over most of the housework, bringing me snacks while pumping, etc.), but its impossible to go 50/50 at that stage, especially when breastfeeding/pumping.
I think there are certain things that don't apply or are given when it comes to the argument of 50/50. Even in a traditional union if the man is earning all the money it still doesn't make it equal to what the woman is putting on the line for the union. Not only is the women putting her life on the line sooner to have a kid, once the kid is had she is still slowly dying everyday to serve the family just like the man. So it will never be equal. The 50/50 argument is never about being equal across the board. We can't be, that's a false application to the 50/50 argument.
True men have to be there 100% committed for us to want to rear children.
@AlyssaTaylor9 for sure! Having a baby can be so overstimulating and overwhelming. I was much more prepared for my second baby because my expectations were realistic. It also shocked me how awful my body felt after delivering a baby.
18:00 “There is no shortage of children who need people in their lives.”
Exactly! It takes a village; there are many different roles available that don’t require being a parent and still have a significant impact.
It's always been the parents' responsibility to raise their own children, yet sadly, the media, peers, daycare/school and extended family, etc., are raising the children of today.
When a family member asks me why I don’t have kids or want kids (I’m 35) I just straight up say - why do YOU want me to have kids? They usually don’t have an answer and then I will guilt them by saying - if you wanted what was best for me you wouldn’t want me to have children.
I literally struggle through life as it is I find it so incredibly hard as it is I cannot have a kid 😊
@@Erinba 🙌 I see, hear and understand this statement with my full heart 💙
I hear you and am also 35 with no kids. People try to come and destroy my soft life and I’m like I’m thriving and at peace leave me be lol
As someone who was a fencesitter for a very long time who decided to have 1 child, I agree with most of this. The only thing I disagree with is the pervasive belief that you must be 100% hell yes on having a child. Honestly, I think its actually better going into parenting with some nervousness and fear because you're not buying into the fantasy of "being a parent is magical." I know too many women who chose to have kids in today's world without thinking about the choice at all and are struggling because it wasn't the fantasy that's so often pushed onto women. I came off the fence to have a child knowing that it was going to be super hard and some fear about my choice and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done and yet I still absolutely love my child and believe it is worth it. But I also feel like it has made me a better mother because I had some reservations about it, which made me better prepared than someone blindly going into motherhood.
I also think your commentary around heterosexual couples as being spot on. My husband has always been the type to step up and take on responsibilities and has been an amazing parent, which was one of the reasons I came off the fence. But too many mothers I know struggle because their partner doesn't do their share when they believed they would.
This!! ❤
As a woman in her mid 20s trying to think through what I want, I appreciate your perspective. These days, I seem to be leaning slightly closer to yes, with the caveat that I only want one kid. Can I ask more about what you mean when you say it’s hardest you’ve ever done? I hear that said a lot but I really want to understand why it’s hard. Like, is it hard in like a physical sense of all the energy it takes to take care of them properly or is it more of an emotional type of hard?
@@rachelwick3477 not OP but I can speak from my experience: It's hard because of the physical 24/7 you are caring for another human being. A human being who can't do many basic things. If you get sick, you can't sleep and recover, there will be times you need to still do caring and essential chores while sick, for example.
It's also hard mentally because I'm always always always thinking of my child. It's exhausting at times that you can't detach yourself to enjoy things you used to enjoy or obsess over ... now my main obsession is my child. To be fair, I am a new parent, so this is slowly getting better.
Emotionally it's hard because of the increased hormones and just pure genuine love and worry you have over your kid. You will feel a lot of things often and very intensely. You will imagine horrible things happening to your kid. You will lose it when they hug you for the first time.
Spiritually it's hard because you are forever changed.
A devoted partner or support system is KEY.
That being said, I found it completely worth it. I feel like I "unlocked" a whole new chapter of what it means to be a human being. It's incredible to know someone inside and out, to feel pure love for them, more intense than anything I've ever felt.
@@rachelwick3477 It's physically, mentally and emotionally difficult. I'm still in the baby phase but pregnancy and birth (C-section) was very physically exhausting. The newborn phase was just a blur of exhaustion of every kind between my body physically recovering from birth and pregnancy, my emotions being all over the place because my life has been completely flipped upside down, as well as the hormones going wild trying to get back normal and mentally it's exhausting trying to think about everything that is baby. With all of that said, it sounds crazy but it is absolutely the best thing I've ever done. I was never a baby person (and still really don't care for other people's babies) but omg I love that little guy like I've never thought possible. It's hard to explain unless you experience it but the love I have for him just melts me. His smile, knowing how excited he is to just see me, makes all the rest of it worth it. It's absolutely incredible to watch him grow and develop and accomplish things. I'm so excited for the future as he continues to grow and develop into his own person
@@rachelwick3477 I will also say we made the choice to be one and done so it also makes me appreciate it all more knowing that I can fully enjoy the good moments and recognize the rough parts I never have to go through again because I'm not doing it again.
'Men want children the way kids want puppies' that is so true...
That's the best description of most fathers really
What I heard in my 20's and 30's about my decision to not be a parent:
Coworkers (mostly Filipino and Asian BTW): "But who will take care of you when you get old?"
Patients (mostly Latinos): "Poor thing" aka they thought I was sterile
My own mom: "Some women just aren't meant to be mothers" aka I would be a bad parent anyway
My mother in-law: "Oh, you'll change your mind, trust me" as she kept showing me her hoard of baby clothes she buys...you know...just in case. (she has a shopping addiction BTW)
Adult strangers: "Why? Do you at least have pets?"
Doctors I work with: "What are you...selfish?"
Friends who have kids: "You are so f***king smart and I wish I could have made the same decision"
Children: "Don't you like us?"
Now that I'm 53 people just stay silent when I tell them I don't have kids. Finally! Mind your own damn business, people.
I forgot one: "Well, what does your husband want?" as if I would marry someone who wanted to be a parent and I'm denying him happiness
As a Filipino American, yup yup yup. That’s all they think. It sucks.
Feel bad for your friends and their kids if that's true.
“Do you have children?”
“I have three cats, two dogs, and a husband.”
“Yep! You have six kids!” 😅
People today also judge people harshly for having "too many" children.:
Couple has 1 child: People are generally thrilled and congratulatory.
Couple has 2 children: "You're going to stop now, right?"
Couple has 3 + children: "You're dumb and crazy! Can you afford them? You must be living off welfare." No congratulations, couple is openly mocked.
When I got pregnant I said to one friend that I felt guilty because the world didn’t need another human, but she said something that still
resonates, no, but the world needs more moms like you ❤ raising humans is hard work I hope more people appreciate that.
Oh, god. This thing that you said about the algorithm pushing motherhood related content clicked SO hard inside of my brain. I thought I was crazy. Thank you for shedding light on that.
Also, amazing video as always. You literally voiced all of my thoughts and feelings.
Love you, Chelsea!
It does! It's amusing to me how the algorithms like to throw fertility treatment content at me ... because I'm a woman in my 40's and therefore I MUST be just desperate to get pregnant.
My algorithm gives me content about the uneven split of domestic labor lol. We got different ones 😂
The amount of diaper ads I get is WILD for someone with no kids and no desire for them.
Some apps, like instagram, have a filter where you can list words. And no post with these words in the caption or text will be shown to you. I had to make heavy use of this to first not be flooded with man-woman dynamics during dating and now copious kid-content. 😅 It also helps a lot with censoring issues that are super triggering. Basically a digital safety-wall you build for yourself.
What also needs to be included in the "hell yes" is that you have to be ready for the child to not be like you. Because it breaks my heart to hear ppl got rejected by their own family for being different, like lgbt+ or not joining the family business/career etc. It made me so sad when my friend said "I don't know what I would do if my kid grew up to be stupid". Like... You gotta love them anyway. It's that simple. Children are not s vehicle for you to do/feel x y z. They are their own person.
@Quickeeeee and that's why our society is the way it is.
Definitely don't have kids if you're doing it to fulfill someone else's expectations. You'll be the one taking care of your child!
It's so true that a sibling having kids is taking so much pressure off of you. Not even external pressure, just this feeling that your family is shrinking and that there is no youth in it anymore and your parents will never experience being grandparents. Becoming an aunt or uncle makes it so much easier.
Not just for not having kids. Over half of the gay people I knew came out to their parents after their sibling had kids.
"We understand that reproductive rights, including a woman's ability to decide whether or not to have children, are likely to be even more in question now than they were just a week ago." Hearing that statement is truly terrifying as a woman... and I’m not even American.😭
I wish less people in society felt entitled to children, either directly related to them or in general as a future resource.
Women need to stop having sex with men who have not proven themselves worthy of being a father. That would reduce at least 50% of the problems right there.
As a pro-life woman, I'm really tired of this narrative. Lack of abortion access doesn't force anyone to be a parent. If you're aborting, you're already a parent, otherwise there would be nothing to kill. I'm not undermining issues like sexual coercion but human fetuses are human beings regardless so not being able to abort is no more being forced to be a parent than ban on killing already born children is
Can you explain how it is more in question now?
Learn to close your legs and not sleep around before marriage... that should solve your problems
A few years ago, just for funsies, my mom and I decided to estimate how much she'd spent on each of us kids throughout our lives (up until HS graduation). We included school, clothes, trips, and basic things, like an estimate for food and Drs appointments. We calculated about 300-350k per kid. My mom has never expressed regrets about having us, but she got married at 21. She never got to do a lot of things she wanted to, either because her father wouldn't allow it or, later, because mine wouldn't. She had wanted to go into the air force but her dad ripped up the application, as "women just aren't fit for that". She'd started law school when she was pregnant with me, with my dad, he'd work during the day and they'd go to class at night, but he once fell asleep at the wheel and they crashed into a tree. He made her tell people she was the one who crashed, and after that, it was goodbye night classes. She was forced into a million little decisions like that and I always wonder what her life could've been if she hadn't married and had kids so early. My parents eventually divorced (obviously) and I watched my mom become a whole new person. My father is the one who wanted a divorce and she really suffered, but between us, we always say it's the best thing that could've happened to her.
I got married at 18, also had children in my early 20s and that story of your mom really resonates. I love my children and never didn't want them, but I also didn't think of it as being a choice until the past few years hearing other women in their 30s speak on it, it just wasn't a topic of conversation in my family and culture (live in the south with a latino mother). I made the decision to be "selfish" and went to do the things I wanted to do in life that being a mother bars so many women in my socioeconomic bracket from, like going to college (used the Pell Grant and alot of family support to do so), travel overseas (my sister and I planned and budgeted for us to do short trips while our kids would be with grandparents for the weekend), etc even if its been a financial burden. I don't want to feel regret for my youth that I missed out on, and now that my kids are older (1 is a teenager, other is almost there) and I'm in a better financial situation, they get to go do this stuff with me and experience so much together. I 100% do not regret these choices and I'm glad I had children young so that I'm still able to experience life with them, we kinda get to grow up together in a lot of ways.
@Ash-m7l that's exactly how I see it! I'm so happy you're doing things for yourself - wish you all the best
@liv97497 wow that is quite a story.
Growing up, one of the most influential adults in my life was my mom's single and childless friend. She would be so full of life and would play with us kids, and just through that I never felt any shame for not wanting kids or being single forever because she did it and she seemed to be having the time of her life. That made that type of lifestyle seem appealing and not daunting at all when I had somebody like her to look up to growing up
She was happy because she didn't have responsibilities, but she also didn't get to reap any of the amazing rewards of being a parent. She set an example for you and changed the trajectory of your life. Yes, it is easier to not have children. If it wasn't hard, so many wouldn't be trying to avoid the responsibility, like the plague. But if we weren't a natural thing that we were supposed to do, how did any of us get here? And why is it a part of our biology?
Studies have shown that women are - statistically speaking - often happier when they are single their whole lives; the benefit is that the people around them are often better off. Go her!
@@sarahwatts7152
It's possible that what you say is true, but that doesn't mean that people who have children are deeply unhappy. On the contrary.
Psalms 113:9 KJV
[9]He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.
Psalms 128:1-4 KJV
[1](A Song of degrees.) Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways.
[2]For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee.
[3]Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.
[4]Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD.
As a married woman turning 38 years old next week, who is completely on the fence about having children, this video is such a f*cking SLAY. I absolutely adore kids but am unsure that children of my own make sense for my partner and me and our life together. I really appreciate your transparency, your advocacy, and willingness to put this out into the world. I am very excited to share this message with my friends. Thank you for all you do
Have you figured it out? I am turning 31 in April and I do like children in general but the thoughts of having to teach a future kid how to read, write and count already bothers me BUT I am more on the fence about what their teen years will look like and I don't know if I will ever manage.
Hi.
I'd like to thank you for this video.
I'm a 24 year old man questioning myself and others on this this topic and you brought me a really complete and interesting view of this very large question.
I had it rough thanks to an absent father but my mom really communicated it to me so it became a subject of reflexion for me very early.
I don't really want children because I know I'm not psychologically apt to do so but we never know how things will develop in like 5 or 10 years.
This is why I'm always working to improve and move up from what the patriarchal society would like me to be, based on an identity feature that I did not choose. Having the opportunity to hear the opinion of women in subjects like this is an amazing chance that could not be without the internet.
Anyway.. Thanks ^^
Thank you for sharing your introspection at this stage in your life. Working through these life moments and feeling free from recourse and judgement is what we all deserve. 🙌
You have time, so you can relax 😊 I'm a 36 year old female so not so relaxing for me 😂
you sound like an absolute gem!
@@lemmings6516not sure if I'm a gem but I'd like to shine for someone one day!
I absolutely loved hearing CASA mentioned! I'm a child free woman who is also a CASA volunteer. For those who aren't aware CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate and it's an amazing program to be a part of if you want to have an important and tangible impact on a kid's life. I have a video about my experience as a CASA volunteer on my channel. Thanks for talking about this, Chelsea!
My step dad, who I met when I was seven, is my hero. I feel incredibly bonded to my best friend’s child and to my nephew. Thank you for highlighting the fact that parental love is not reserved for biological parents alone. It blooms where you plant it ❤
I send a greeting from Spain to show solidarity with the women affected by the cuts in rights in the USA.
Same from France sisters 💞
Same from Canada. It just shows, it can happen anywhere.
This is very timely! My husband and I have been really undecided about having a child. We know we only want one or zero, but we both keep fluctuating. To me, it is such a difficult decision because it is one of the only decisions where you can’t change your mind. You can get divorced, sell your house, quit your job etc, but you can’t decide you don’t want your kid anymore.
100% agree with Chelsea if it's not a hell yes it's a no
last week a friend visited me with her puppy - she was 7 months old and peed on my carpet and the stairs, rolled in fish and needed a bath, spilled water and food everywhere, left hair everywhere i was seriously exhausted after they left. i wanted a puppy myself and after that i said to my bf that i think i cant have one because its too much work. two days later they came back and oxytocin rushed through my veins, i was in serious love. i could not have said no if my friend asked me to keep her forever.
i think some things in human biology are not possible to be weighed with logic. if you get all warm and fuzzy inside when you interact with kids, have the capacity to love them to be patient and dont have too much of your own very strong dreams and desires in life (that are not compatible with kids and cant be pushed to later) then i would say its worth a try. a lot of human life is adaptation and for some people - the ones who love to care for others- the rewards are really great. i think its hardest for the people who prefer to be alone and actually dont really like to care so much for others. its okay but its worth knowing.
i grew up on a farm and it was bloody hard work, i didnt want to deal with feces all days of my life but every cuddle of the goats and cows was so much filling me up with joy and love that i didnt even care so much about the hard labor that went into keeping them alive. what im trying to say is - kids and animals create unlimited mess but they also bring rewards that are far beyond conprehension.
@@lemmings6516 this comment helped me so much, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
If you're not sure about having kids, don't. Just don't. I say this as a parent. I do not regret having mine but you need to be prepared to give everything and know that it still might not be enough. Also imagine having kids and later regretting it, or worse yet that your KIDS regret being born to YOU. Children are only a blessing if you're able to reverse the generational curse of poverty and bad parenting, and it takes real courage to admit you might not be able to do that.
I don’t understand why so many parents who claim to love being parents are online telling other people not to have kids. Some people want kids just like you did and have a small window to have them.
@@CurlsonaPlaneThat is not what she said.
Children are ALWAYS a blessing. It's the parents that are not always a blessing... People should have children and just appreciate them for what they really are, rather than passing down their emotional junk to their children and thinking it's all the child's fault. That is just not the case.
I'm one of those kids who repeatedly asked my mom why she chose to have me. I have spend years regreting her choice to have me. Well said.
@@HorrorOpossum
God, your Creator, wanted you to be born and wants to have a close relationship with you. Sometimes it's strange, the parents that he gives us to, but our Heavenly Father is far greater than any earthly parent. Our earthly parents don't determine our value. God does.
Psalms 27:10 KJV - When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
Isaiah 49:15 KJV - Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
Hello! Great video as always, Chelsea, well spoken and thoughtful. I’m mid 70s, married 50 years, always childfree, which wasn’t a hard decision for me. I’m a believer in the rather regret not having had kids than regret having them. Not a fan of producing kids who were eventually sorry they were born, too heartbreaking. As best I can recall, any noise from family about my childfree choice stayed in the background, didn’t really register as I knew I had thought it out and what was best for me. Luckily it wasn’t an issue with my future husband and we’ve been happy with our decision.
The puppy thing is so real. My ex and I were engaged for 6.5 yrs before splitting this year, largely over having kids or not and generally disagreements related to traditional gender roles. After much stress, last year I told him officially I didn't want kids and ball was in his court to decide (he has been on the fence), and we kept going as we were. About 5 months later we ended up adopting a puppy (were not seeking it out) which I love and has been a great maternal outlet for me but has proven to me I definitely do not want kids, as it is definitely a lifestyle change. 6 months later, he tells me he DOES want kids, despite finding the dog much more of a shock in terms of the challenge of caring for her for than I did and me doing most of the day to day care, aside from when I was out of town. So, ironically, he left me with the dog so he can pursue a traditional marriage and have kids. The quiet part he's not saying out loud is he wants a wife to handle everything about it, while he gets a legacy. Meanwhile, I am now main caretaker of the dog (he suddenly moved out to a place rhat doesn't accept pets) and the one limited (e.g. travelling as I can work remotely), which was my hesitation with the dog in the first place and why I wouldn't have adopted her alone. It's worth it but feels unfair, and again confirms the concept of "don't have kids unless you would be ok being a single parent" - take it from the child of a widow, who never planned on having kids to begin with but did for my dad.
Hm, I saw a post about fostering a dog (which I didn't know was a thing) before it goes to it's forever home, and, I'm sure there's more to the process but this might be a better option for people wanting a pet but not being able to keep/readily adopt one.
I've had exes complain lots about how much time I spend with my nieces, who all "really wanted kids someday." They never liked kids, don't want to be around them, play with them, take care of them, but they will say they "want children" and even consider it a huge deal breaker if you don't. But they don't really want children themselves, I think they actually want a wife (aka domestic servant) who has her own children, to which the men simply happen to be the sperm and child support donors of.
Ladies, if you are considering having children with a man, if you aren't 100% sure loves kids, don't fall into that trap. If he throws a fit over doing kids activities, having kids around, or having to watch children, then he's lying when he says he wants children. I DON'T want children at all, and I am more caring and parental than all of the men I see, who basically say they wouldn't touch a woman with a ten-foot pole if she isn't ready to drop trou and start breeding ASAP.
Most men I know don't like children. Like 90% of them. They try to make children act as a grownups and not to bother them.
I was so baffeld at the amount of comments I got regarding our decision of having kids. Mostly positive (apparently I had the „right“ amount at the „right“ time), but still! This is a very very personal decision and still everyone around us (even strangers) needed to voice an opinion about that. Crazy!
Exit polls show men gravitated towards Trump. Women in the US should consider engaging in the 4B strategy of attrition: No dating, no marriage, no intercourse, no child birthing.
If a man has voted to reduce a woman to property, he should be denied access to that "property ownership".
Then only the Trump supporters will have kids together ? Seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
West 4B!!!
++++++++
exactly!
Ha, I've been unintentionally doing this already 😅. I don't want kids so I want a tubal ligation before I sleep with someone as I don't trust any other birth control. But having the procedure is expensive. I also wanted a better job and living situation so that I had something to show for myself. I kind of have those (though I'm a renter), but now it turns out that I like living alone 😅. Not saying I won't ever want a partner, but it is admittedly difficult to take the idea of dating seriously because at any point, I'm completely happy with returning to living on my own.
I’m in my 50’s but have been following this series and think your commentary is wise and spot-on.
I’ve received pressure and judgement through every stage of life, often confusing and contradictory advice. It’s valuable for young women to learn who they are and what they truly want bc someone is going to criticize every single decision you make. May as well make the ones tailor made for your best life.
Gave it a like and positive comment before the video hit the 2nd minute.
But honestly, loving your candid talk. I went on a date once with somebody who I had known as a friend for years. He literally said "but adopting a child isn't as good as having one biologically. An adopted kid isn't your real kid."
I'm adopted. I saw red. I was a hero for even finishing our ice cream and politely saying goodbye.
I haven't spoken to him since. Blood doesn't make a family... love, kindness, and acceptance does.
It always blows my mind that people think this way!! It makes me wonder what about parenting and children those people actually value. Because if it was just loving and caring for a child, they wouldn’t see it that way. It makes me think that for them, it’s more about recreating a part of themselves. My dad was adopted 💛.
That's a very common male sentiment, sadly.
Men think like this most of the time because their only biological purpose is to pass along their genes. Women are more nurturing and open minded about taking care of life in general because that is our nature.
If he was a friend before your date then did he know that you're adopted? When I read that my jaw was on the floor. I know several adopted people and all of them love their parents a lot.
On the topic of adoption, we need more good adults adopting and fostering in general.
I have a complex history with the system but was a ward of the state and later adopted. The adopted family was worse than my family of origin in alot of ways. They weren’t ready to have kids but wanted them, and weren’t prepared if you asked any of the questions Chelsea does.
This could have also been a situation where the big brother or sister programs can help. Any child type of child advocate position. The people that I remember the most are teachers or adults I met through random programs that showed me kindness through the years. The key is just be a positive influence and be supportive of any children you are around.
To note, I would be considered a success of the system and saw many cases that were far worse.
Adoption is not an option in Australia it’s so sad 😢
@@ErinbaI think you can adopt in Australia.
If I ever get my finances in order I would like to adopt. However, your advice is so good it takes a village it's not about simply having a child it's about helping nurture the next generation and there are many ways to do this.
If you’re not sure….. do NOT have kids!!!! You have to be 100000% sure. It is LIFE changing.
I can only speak for myself. I’m 31 years old. I’ve always wanted a family. But I will not be having more children for at least the next 4 years (I already have one). I’m not getting rid of the dream of having more kids entirely, but it’s definitely been put on hold.
There’s so many things happening in the world right now that’s influencing that decision. One of them is losing access to care if something goes wrong during pregnancy. Another is I think it’s about to become a lot harder to be a mom. I need to better myself for the child I already have. Its definitely not easy!
My wife and I were extremely anti-having kids (and I fully support women who stay this way), but then suddenly decided at 38 we really wanted them. We have two kids we love now. My childfree friends treated me like I'd betrayed them and half of them just straight up stopped including me. It was heart-breaking. I understand it's to do with the fact I'd had kids making them feel invalidated in their own decisions but MAANNnnnn. One of the things childfree people need to allow is that sometimes people will change and want them later, and the freedom to choose also means the freedom to change your mind.
It doesn't feel like you invalidated us. God, imagine being so arrogant you think that. How typical of a new parent. It's that you're no longer someone we want to associate with. We don't want to hear about your kids, or potty training, or school issues. You're right, you have the freedom to change your mind, but we also have the freedom to choose not to continue a friendship with you if you do.
@@krn2683 Oh babe you're assuming so many things. Firstly, you're assuming all childfree parents as as anti-children and anti-parent as you are, which is not the case. Secondly, you're assuming I haven't actually discussed their feelings with them - I have. They've told me how they felt and how it felt like I was "proving people right that they'll change their mind" and that they'd imagined us all travelling as childfree seniors etc and it felt like *I'd* abandonned *them* in that. Finally, you're assuming they stopped including me AFTER I had kids. In fact, the three that really baulked at it stopped including us as soon as we said we were CONSIDERING kids. They're entitled to their feelings, and I'm entitled to feel heartbroken about it. You're not entitled to be super nasty to parents just because you don't want to be one, though.
Did they tell you they felt invalidated?
Hey, so your childfree friends are not obligated to maintain the same relationship with you throughout every stage of your and their lives. Your lives now look starkly different while they continue to enjoy the same amount of free time they’ve always had. So, while it may feel upsetting that you feel they’re “leaving you out”, they’re completely allowed to prioritize people in their circles who have made similar decisions and who lead a life they can relate to. Just as you’re free to make more friends with children.
@@ss-ds2dn Yes, they did.
I have so much I could say, but for now, all I'll say is thank you for making this. As someone who is childfree and turning 30 in 2 weeks, this was extremely validating. Let my clock run out!
If you're waiting to be 100% ready then that's never going to happen. You just have to close your eyes and jump in if it's something you want to do. I was on the fence and took the plunge in my late 30s and I am so profoundly happy that I did. Is my life more stressful? Somewhat, but the rewards make up for it and no longer stress myself out about thing that used to matter (a perfectly decorated and clean house, a full social calendar, etc). I have deep sense of happiness and fullfillment I did not have before and was not expecting to feel this way. I knew I would love my son but have never felt so content in my life so I couldn't fathom that it was even possible to feel this way. And in a lot of ways my life has also become simpler. All the things that I used to fill my life with to help give it meaning just aren't as important anymore. My social calendar is way less full, I don't have time or money to be going out all the time, and I care less about being "cool", but it's made realize that those things were never what was truly important. It's also galvanized me to want to make the world a better place.
Also want to add I'm not a "mommy" person, aka none of my friends have kids, and frankly I hate mom culture that you see online. It doesn't have to be that way and YOU don't have to be that way. You can still be you, a mother (or father) to your child, and not get sucked into the insane parenting and mommy shit that's online. Our house is still our house and not totally tuened into a kid zone (albiet with some baby proofing lol), we do still get time to ourselves as individuals to spend time with friends, and I still feel like me. Well the first few months with a a newborn are rough, no lying about that, but it gets better. Just don't let yourself get sucked into parenting content because it will make you feel like nothing you do is ever enough and you should sacrifice every moment of every day intensively parenting your child. You can be a good parent and still retain your sanity
the comment I needed to read
I could have written this exact thing, my thoughts exactly, brain twin of the internet
I don’t think everyone has the financial resources to take any time out from parenting.
Thank you for this comment!
Thank you so much for acknowledging how bad things could get at the start of this video. Men running arounding saying the words "Your body, my choice" makes this all the more nessassary. I'm considering an IUD for the first time in my life because I don't trust these men. I want kids but have already had a miscarriage due to endometrousis so I've gotta have more control over when and how I get pregnant or I could end up prosecuted. F*cking insanity.
You might find some resonance or food for thought in the growing global 4B movement. You will definitely find many women who are where you are at. I’m older now, divorced, happy not dating, and have a CF adult daughter. Best wishes with your decision. Take good care of you
Just a nod to IUDs, I've been very satisfied with the copper IUD. To me its been very well worth it. I know that hormonal IUDs can relieve endometriosis symptoms, but that's obviously something to talk about with your doctor.
37-yo man here, single, no children and had a vasectomy this summer for both personal and broader societal/ecological reasons. I do feel it's a weight off my chest, but I also am having to accept that now my dating pool is extremely small, as most women do still want children. But I hold on to some hope that there will be someone out there who's aligned. At least now my family doesn't ask me about it any more.
We are out there. You're actually better off because there are more of us ( CF women) v men.
@@soapaddict09 And also a man taking responsibiltiy for his own contraception is hot!
My husband (we are both 36) got the procedure done last year but I would like to get my tubes tied because those things can spontaneously heal themselves so I still don't feel 100% confident. I'm still using hormonal birth control largely because I don't want to have a period anymore but I'm worried about that being taken away soon.
You'll definitely find plenty of women in this modern society who don't want kids! 😂
I wouldn't recommend having kids unless you really want them. Yes, there are positives, but the negatives are so onerous unless you're already well off financially or have a lot of family help/resources. The US makes child rearing really expensive and difficult. And it's so complicated logistically with childcare, illness, school vacations/holidays, etc.
Do you have kids?
@sanne5412 I have two kids. They're 5 and 9.
I know I’m late to this video but in case anyone sees this, you can go into your UA-cam ad settings and select to not see ads pertaining to pregnancy/motherhood anymore! My algorithm loves that I’m in that demographic but I don’t want to see diaper ads for anything ever, so I turned that setting on to eliminate those and it made a huge difference!
This has been the topic of conversation in my household this week. We made our decision, but with some planning and work that needs to happen first. Once we pay off the last of the debt, not including our house, it's going to be the move. we may not live the most lavish life in some mansion with brand new cars, but we have everything we need with some to spare with a slowly growing retirement fund. I appreciate you giving the disclaimer at the beginning, and everything you do.
Thank you for this. I have a lot of mental illnesses from both sides of my family and a few not-so-great medical conditions as well, and I don’t think I could physically, mentally, and emotionally handle carrying a baby and birth… much less raise a child. And then there’s the fact I might pass on those mental illnesses and medical issues. I just don’t think that’s right, but it’s been a huge struggle lately because I have people that won’t shut the hell up about me having a kid or not.
But my husband, who is amazing, said it is 100% up to me if I want to have a child with him. If I don’t want to, he doesn’t want to. If I end up wanting a kid a few years, he will be on board. And that’s one of the many reasons I love him for it: no pressure.
I was strongly childfree (a zero) my whole life, even as a kid I never wanted them. Now I'm 26 and opening up to the idea, it feels weird and I don't want to tell anyone because EVERYONE will be like "see I told you you'd change your mind" or "I knew it!!” like no, you didn't. My childfree choice was valid, my current fence sitting is valid and if I have a child it doesn't invalidate my previous feelings. Ugh, why do people care about others' choice.
Just finished reading ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ and it really opened my eyes to some new ways of guiding my kids in their faith. Highly recommend it if you’re looking to strenghten your family’s spiritual life
8:23 Thank you Chelsea for calling out the judgement that comes from all directions - as a mum of one, I constantly face unsolicited opinions about my choice, despite having a loving partner and a happy, complete family. I imagine the pressure and comments about giving our child a sibling or assumptions that they'll be lonely are just as intrusive as the judgement child-free people face.
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for making this. We need to critically examine our life (support structures, time/resources, our life-long needs and wants, etc.) before making such a massive and ~potentially dangerous~ decision. From the actual bottom of my heart, thank you for making this video!
I am also 35, have been with my partner for almost 14 years, and we are child free. I was 16 when I came to the realization that I wasn’t interested in ever having children, I meet my husband when we were 21/22, told him having children would be a deal breaker for me, he said he was okay with not having children, in 2022 after 11 years together and 6 years of marriage my husband told me he wanted to get a vasectomy, and still to this day when we have an announcement the first thing people want to hear is that we decided to have kids. My husband has also stood ten toes down that we decided we didn’t want to have our own children and defends our decision to people who feel that have the right to have an opinion about us not having children.
Very informative video! My daughter has been struggling with this particularly because she lives in TX. I support whatever she decides but i absolutely hate that she has to factor in "handsmaid tale laws" as a reason.
I have 2 daughters and constantly get asked when I’m going to have a son. Like I can just choose the sex of my child! No matter what you decide, it’s never good enough for people. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you aren’t sure about.
I wish they would stop showing babies. Children are only babies for 1 year. Then you have a mini adult in your family for the next 18. People need to think about children as mini adults. 😂 I have 3
I am a teacher and I always say that people always talk about mental health of children but mental health of people in house and out of the house who deal with children esp age 7-8 onwards is rarely talked about. Esp after 10 years children do want rights of adults without the responsibility and this puts a lot of pressure on people around them.
My daughter is 3 years old now and for me she is so much more fun than as a baby. Of course, you cannot skip the baby phase but my view of having children has always been school-going children. Babies are cute, also for me as a man, but a toddler is so much more fulfilling in a regular life
This. I don’t want to hear from ppl with babies. I need to hear from ppl with kids 9+ cuz that’s when I think it sinks in and they become real ppl. Babies are easy
@@MesheherKim My first was NOT easy as a baby. She is turning 11 and it has been pretty easy apart from the baby stage😱
I've been sourcing info from my friends about getting sterilized. I do not want to be a forced surprise mother at 38.
I'm always impressed with you clarity and authenticity, thank you Chelsea
The unsolicited opinions about your child status continues after your 30's unfortunately. When I reminded my aunt I'm in my 40's now and don't want children, she said, "Abraham's wife had a baby at 90 years old". Seriously. I laughed it off, because what else can you do?! 😆
lol we are never hearing the end of it…
You could always clock her
Tell her Abraham's wife was also his half sister and you're not into that. 😂
As a parent of two, I agree with the others who say being on the fence about having kids is actually a no. I believe people should only have children if they can envision all of the possible worst-case scenarios and still feel a wholehearted ‘yes’ to it all.
I would agree, except I think a 'maybe' is different at 25 than at 35. Sooo many of my friends were unsure in their early to mid 20s about having children, and then suddenly the intense urge to have a baby hit in our late 20s and for sure by 30. A few friends who were indifferent to having kids suddenly had baby fever. We are all in our late 30s now, only 1 school friend doesn't have a child and it brings her a huge amount of pain and regret... she admits she clung on to her 'child free, I don't need a man persona' a few years too long and now she has run out of time. So at 35 if someone is feeling calm in their decision not having kids, they have absolutely made the right decision for themselves, but I'd tell a 25 year old to keep an open mind and don't close off any choice too early.
Oh TFD. Oh Chelsea. You have no idea how much I needed this video! I’m in the (self-induced) twilight hours of my fertility. I’ve scheduled my bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy) for a few weeks from now and it’s like the algorithm is having one last crack at me. The performative motherhood posts are unrelenting. And I had a moment tonight when the permanence of what I’m doing caused me to pause and question myself - even though my husband and I are VERY much child free by choice. And have been since date #1 (yes, I brought it up). Thank you for putting into words all the things which led me to this decision. The puppy analogy - perfection. Couples that aren’t 50/50 with young kids- painful to witness. The myriad of other ways to positively contribute to a child’s upbringing- so reassuring. Thank you ❤ from the bottom of my soon to be excised fallopian tubes.
Edit to add: that article in the NYT today about boomers coming to grips with not having grandchildren 🙄 again, needed this content today. I’m so grateful my mother is supportive but seeing that article was just laying it on thick.
Loving the childfree content! Thank you. I'm 54 and knew in my twenties that I did not want to have anything to do with having or working with/around children. Best decision ever!
As not a woman, I am a cishet Filipino American, my YT algorithm keeps pushing ADHD and Autism content to me and I am neither.
I’m also childfree due to shitty parents! (Got the snip in 2023) How do I meet childfree women? Or make childfree man friends? TFD start a dating thingy!
Usually if you see that content a lot there is a big chance that you are neuroatypical without realizing.
My grandma is the best grandma. When I recently told her my fiancé and I aren’t having kids, I was surprised by her response. She said when she was married she never pictured herself married or as a mom. Her parents though said she should be married and have children. She ended up finding herself in an abusive relationship with my grandpa until my mom and her siblings were adults. I always wondering why she never had boyfriends why my grandpa had a few girlfriends. She just never wanted a relationship, and his abuse certainly didn’t sway her into wanting one either. That made me sad knowing my grandma didn’t want the life she got, but has since made the most of it.
Great conversation! Also, children are people who may grow up to struggle a lot, or my worst fear, just not be a good person who you can safely be around. My son is two so I hope that won’t be the case. I never understood how people assume there kids will be their retirement plan. They may not be willing/able too.
20:50 yes!!!!!!! and the "i will have children by the time im x", but they do nothing to be actually prepared to be a parent, a partner, or even just a financially stable human being. a child is not your milestone!!!!!!!
The child who is most in my life right now is my husband's-aunty's-stepgrandson. My husband's aunty never had kids but now she's helping to raise him. That just to say family is expansive and children enter our lives in different ways than just having our own.
This, hands down, has been the most important and valuable video I have seen in 2024. THANK YOU for discussing this!
I've never felt drawn to motherhood, and for a long time I thought I disliked children altogether, but a few years ago when my generation of the extended family started popping out kids, I was like "oh.... I was BORN to be an aunt." I love those kids so much and I love being part of their support network. Thank you for naming the "village" concept at the end of the video, it makes me feel valid in my choices and gives me a framework to explain them to others.
💯 to everything you said!!! My husband and I have always wanted to be parents and feel like being one and done (OAD) is the best decision for our family. However, lots of people still seem to have outdated views of OAD families and only children.
It's nuts how many times I see women telling other women to "just go for it" when they're on the fence about having a child or having more children. I'm in the camp where if it's not a HELL YES, it's a NO. Bringing a new human life is a decision that needs to be made with intention and thought.
This was a breath of fresh air. I’ve always told myself that I want to be married with kids by the time I’m 30. But the closer I approach that age the more I realize that I’m just getting started with my life. I enjoy my independence and career. And what I believed all those years was based on what I saw in society. I feel judged for prioritizing my freedom, especially from older women, but I love it here.
This video was so good, you expressed how many child free women feel so perfectly and in such a respectful way. I rarely comment but this topic is really important to me
To birth & bring up the children is very difficult: physically (pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding the baby, sleep deprivation for many months or years), psychologically (being always afraid of everything, what can be dangerous for kids, feeling of guilt, when you do something wrong, being disrespected by teenagers, whom you spent many years taking care of), financially. So think really hard, before deciding to get children.
I am one of those who feels unsure about having kids. I'm 36 yo. I feel this way for a few reasons. I don't have a village esp a mother to show me/help me raise a kid as she passed away a few years ago. I am terrified of bringing a kid into the world and leaving them abruptly. I have always thought I'd make a great mum but I feel that HeLL yes I want a kid just isn't there. I am also terrified of having a kid in today's world. The trajectory that the planet is heading is not good. If jobs are difficult to get now wth is gonna happen in the next 29 years when my kid is ready to look for a job. What temp is the climate gonna be at?? What world am I really bringing this kid into? Just some valid fears of mine...
I feel almost exactly the same. It's also so exhausting 😵💫
Relatable, except I recently came down hard on not having kids after thinking harder about the economic situation in my country and seeing my sister’s exhaustion after having hers. My life has been difficult, my child’s is likely to be even moreso, and I don’t possess the resources to give them a soft landing if I’m correct about this.
Plus if my partner passed or I had a disabled child, I am disabled myself and I’m not sure I would be able to control my overwhelm.
Great video essay. I'm sharing it with everyone I know because more people need to hear this. This channel is a gem, thank you for the work you put in to counter mainstream / old-fashioned ideas. Love from Spain to the whole TFD team!
I'm a 29-year-old woman(-ish) and my opinion has always been "I don't have the urge to have kids, but I'm open to changing my mind" and I'm approaching an age where I feel like I really need to be more certain about that. My father in particular has been annoying about it, but the angle he has been taking the last few years is "who will take care of you when you're old, if you don't have kids" and as selfish as it is... thats the angle that makes me feel the pressure. The nuclear family structure and the terrible way we treat our seniors bc we lack a village for them too, it feels like the best way to be helped in old age is to have someone several decades younger than you who is willing to care for you or fight to make sure the care you are paying for is adequate. Aaaaand it feels like the most secure way to have someone like that is if you raise them yourself, with all the care and love you hope they will return later. I don't really know what to do with any of these thoughts but felt like airing my anxieties
Chelsea is like my second therapist.
But in serious, I found it so interesting that Chelsea mentioned wanting to adopt children when she was younger, because I had that same fantasy mindset. Now I’m 34, happily child free, and living my best auntie life. I get to spoil my nieces and leave when I want and get botox and hop on a plane when I’d like. A big FU to anyone who looks down on a life like mine (but also I’m on a plane to Copenhagen so I’m looking down on theeeeemmmmm 😉✈️
I rarely comment on videos, but watching this brought such relief that I thought I'd share my experience. My mom says that I, as a child, would always mention being a mother when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up (mind you, she might be culturally programmed to remember these kinds of motherhood desires on my part). Now, in my late twenties and having gone back to school recently, I had been feeling anxious as to if I'm going to be both biologically and financially "on time" to be a mom.
I've being going through the experience of telling apart what I actually want versus what I've been told I should want for a long time. And I've come to the conclusion that my calling is to care for a child, not necessarily to give birth to them. My partner and I have had long talks about fostering and, although before watching this video I was pretty sure our decision would be to foster, now I'm almost 100% certain about making that choice. "There is no shortage of children who need people in their lives". This idea you bring of the forever-lasting opportunity to care for a child is such a relief to me. I'm going to cherish it to no end. Thank you.
I'm not sure why the algorithm brought me here, never wanted children, but I'm glad I came.
If you want household labour to be 50/50 after kids, the would be dad needs to ready to take on 70% of the duties because being a bio-mom comes with a whole host of mom-only duties; namely breastfeeding if that's the plan.
This coming from a stay at home dad.
8:40 People having more than 1 kid in NYC? Better be making a million dollars a year or more 😭😭😭 Kids in the city and the housing space for them is so expensive 😭😭😭
thanks for this vid i feel seen lol. im 34 now, and i wish not having kids was more accepted in today's society. my 37 year old gf of 8 years and i broke up recently bc i'm like 90% not interested in being a parent, and she still wants kids despite knowing she'll likely struggle if she has them. we stayed together so long bc i kept pushing it off thinking i might change my mind, and she kept thinking maybe she'd change her mind about not wanting them. it never happened
I'm still on the fence myself, my guy. 2-year relationship, she's sure of being a parent, and I'm not necessarily opposed to it. Were there any factors that tipped you to and fro in your position?
@@thesciencer1015 it doesn’t sound like a “hell yes, kids!” for you
@@hellomiguel_ not at all
As a woman, I too used to go back and forth on the topic. The thing that finally put me firmly in the "no" camp was when I was 22. I was still living at home and was between jobs. The nieces of my mom's then boyfriend and their father lived with us for a few months. Because I was between jobs, I was asked to look after them when everyone was at work. I wasn't thrilled whatsoever with the idea, but being jobless, I didn't have a good reason to say no.
The two girls were five and six and were absolute sweethearts. They called me "miss" ("Miss Samanta", lol. My name is Amanda, but when I say "My name's Amanda", it sounds like "Samantha", the name of a friend they had at school, but they couldn't pronounce the "th" part very well. So they just blended the name, lol. It was rather cute). They were pretty well-behaved except for a few moments of roughhousing, which isn't unusual for kids. But I was confused on what to do with them. The situation solved itself once they saw my laptop and wanted to go on the websites for Nickelodeon and Disney. After confirming these were the legitimate sites and never allowing them to go to anything else, I realize I became essentially an "iPad parent".
For the two months they lived with us, that's pretty much all they did. One of the girls looked like she maybe would like video games, but I only had LittleBig Planet on my PSP, and that was too hard for her. I had no money to buy something easier for her. I regretted this as video games are so heavily pushed towards boys that I wanted to help get another girl into non-mobile gaming, like myself.
But, eventually my laptop got a Blue Screen of Death and I had no other methods of entertaining them. Thankfully, not too long afterwards, they left. And...still to this day, over a decade later, I think that is probably the happiest day of my life. It was over. I no longer had to be responsible for them (which I also took care of feeding them as well). I finally could be left alone to be an introvert. It felt so FREEING.
I knew then that if I hated having to temorarily look after two very sweet kids, I would be a neglectful parent to my own kids. I just don't have the mental fortitude for it. While I still have yet to enact it, I've wanted to have my tubes tied ever since that day. I'm very happy though to have had that experience to help with my decision. By the way, for two months of looking after those kids, I was only given $100 🤬😂
@@thesciencer1015 i think financially i knew we'd be okay but wouldn't be thriving. Like its already hard enough to live on our salaries just us two, with a kid it'd make our monthly expenses way higher, especially given the price of childcare. Also it was never a "hell yea" for me as she mentions in the video. if you're on the fence, it's probably a no
19:20 that’s interesting though because I have a bad relationship with my mom, and that INSPIRED me to want to become a mother. I was committed to becoming the mother I WISH I had. I am now correcting all her wrongs.
My mom was the same. She had a horribly abusive childhood and told herself she would be the mother she never had. I had a wonderful childhood thanks to her and she broke the cycle of abuse.
@@voicedbirdexactly!! ❤❤❤
I thought that when I was a teenager, but for me at least, it was a very vengeful attitude. In my 20s I realised I'm not as different from my parents as I liked to think. Now in my 30s, I'm beginning to think I might trust myself enough to do better... but frankly there's so many other factors (illness, financial, general-state-of-the-world... etc etc) that having a kid really isn't a priority. And they deserve to be a priority. Wanted for themselves, and not to prove a point.
(Not saying this is you, but that it would have been for younger me)
This is the best video I have seen in a long time! As a 36 year old woman who has been married for 12 years and has chosen (and made a permanent decision!) to be child free, we need more content like this. The algorithms are ridiculous, every other Instagram reel is a pregnancy announcement or gender reveal! I hate feeling like I have “disappointed” our families, there is so much shame surrounding it that we have chosen not to tell them my husband chose to have this surgically decided last year because of the reaction we will get! As an agnostic couple, this world revolves entirely too much around religious beliefs and I’m tired of the “sad aunt who doesn’t have kids” narrative! I’m still trying to figure out how not having kids is selfish… we “adopt” multiple angel tree kids, serve on our HOA boards where we plan community events for families, volunteer, etc etc etc. Childfree people are a necessary and valuable part of the community!
I’m really thankful for my parents being really progressive yet being boomers. I’m 37 and my gf is 34, we were just hanging out with my mom and the topic of children came up. Between the constant fear of being laid off and having lived with roommates up until 3 years ago, kids were just never anything that crossed my mind. I know she had a lot of struggle in raising my sister and I without much help from my dad. Back in the day, everyone just had kids because that’s what everyone assumed came next in life. I finally found a job after 15 months of unemployment but that means we’ll have to do the long distance thing for awhile, and I can’t imagine what it would be like if we had a kid.
“Oh just do it, you’ll be fine!”
Another thing I can’t stand hearing. When I tell friends and family that my wife and I are doing things to prepare our lives for children so that we have a more secure environment to raise them in that’s comfortable for the kids and us. We always get hit with the “oh just do it, we had kids in a one bedroom apartment in the city and everything turned out fine!”
That’s your life, we don’t have to do it the way you did. It’s not because we think we couldn’t do it. Are we not being smart by making an intentional decision to have kids at the time we deem to be the most ideal??
I’m only 22 years old but I’ve always kind of known i’ve leaned towards not having children. And I just have to say, Chelsea you are someone I really look up to for how to navigate my finances and get myself set up well for the future. Your info and content is always so well-put and it’s helped me in so many ways with getting back on track with my finances and with my life in general. 💙
I'm now 42. As teenagers we were told daily about how babies were expensive and will ruin your life. They never really taught us when to have them so they don't ruin your life. I was married in my 20s. We were poor. I kept thinking maybe my inlaws would get angry at me and we don't have the money for it. The money never happened, we got divorced. I later realized everyone wanted me to have thar kid, but didn't tell me, there were hints.
How many of us didn't have kids because we didn't outgrow the idea of "babies will ruin your life" pushed on us daily in the 90s?
I wanted those children, but I'm a realist. I only recently got out of poverty. I can only afford a studio apartment. My job is not only tolerable, I like it. I don't want to have a child so badly that I will push myself back into poverty.
Thank you for the representation, Chelsea! I think I found you years ago bc of your willingness to speak in this subject! ❤
Chelsea, this is an excellent essay. You echo many of my thoughts on this subject. Thank you for this very compelling overview of what this choice entails for women.
I wish so bad I had a friend like you in my life. I’ve tried so long to find like minded people and it’s so frustratingly difficult. It’s hard to be constantly alienated for my views on life, but listening to this reminds me that I’m not alone.
I’m only 27 and at this point in my life I have been a legal guardian for two of my siblings and now I have guardianship of my teenage sister in law. IM TIREDD. Like you said there is no shortage of children, my friends are having children and I love that for them but it’s just not something I want for myself at this point.
I would rather regret not having children than having them.
I chose to stay single and childfree last year at 26 years old. I don’t have a good history with men or mental illnesses; and I don’t want to sacrifice myself for a man and kids.
What a breath of fresh air, I can hear the collective sigh of relief at your words. Thank you Chelsea!
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this. As a woman in her mid-30s, I feel so much pressure to have kids.
16:34 - so true! Especially if you’ve been successful in your life, you can be an amazing mentor to young people and help them out so much more than just helping one of your own children with everything. I have some older friends who are in many ways mentors to me, they don’t have children but we call each other every week or so and keep updated of each other’s lives.
i'm 25 and haven't made a decision but my career choices so far are making it look like kids are gonna be a later-in-life-decision for me at the moment. this video is making me feel more settled in taking the time to really make that choice whenever i'm ready. one of the best things that i keep reminding myself about is the same idea you mentioned about there never being a shortage of kids who need love and support. it makes me feel like no matter what relationship i have with the kids in my life, i can still be an influential person in a child's life without birthing them myself. ❤
I cackled when you said that we all see the difference in opposite sex couple around us where men show up 50/50 in relationships and parenting and those who don’t.
Uhm, no. Some of us HAVE NEVER SEEN a man show up 50/50 in parenting. I wish it weren’t so but that’s my reality and the reality of everyone around me. It’s also why I can’t ever imagine myself being with a man again. I don’t need and certainly don’t want another relationship where I’m always giving far more than getting.
This is amazing, thank you! I'm married to a wonderful and beautiful woman, and it just adds a whole other layer. It's hard to know if I truly want to be child-free, or if the perceived obstacles (political, physical) and my lack of desire to experience them prevent me from pursuing what will inevitably be a difficult process. I really appreciate the thought about having children in my life, regardless of guardianship status. This was really powerful, thank you Chelsea!!
Im 51 and childfree with no regrets. I was hassled by my family until my late 40s. I never let it get to me, I lived my life my way. It has nothing to do with kids, I just knew from a young age that I didn't want to parent. I did always want to be the favorite aunt, so i have spoiled my friends kids. There are a lot of parents out there really struggling and i feel for them.
Late 30's guy here who is financially secure with a home but no desire for kids, they are an enormous responsibility and once you have them there are no returns, refunds or taking breaks from being a parent. I'm not ready for that long term responsibility and I value to my free time and peace and quite. I'm happy with just spoiling my sister's kids whenever I visit them heh.
I’m 31 and have been loud and proud about being childfree by choice since my teens. Got my tubes removed at age 23 and zero regrets. I try to encourage everyone to be honest about their true feelings about parenthood and if they know they don’t want kids to be intentional about it! Don’t leave it to chance or date someone who wants to change your mind!
Bravo, thank you for such a nuanced and well articulated view on whether to have kids or not, especially from a woman's perspective in this often times anti-woman society. I was pretty heavily leaning on being child-free until my mid thirties, where I decided that I really needed to decide once and for all one way or another. I did in the end decide to have one child (so far, but I doubt I will have anymore), and found it surprising how quickly people moved their interrogations from "but why won't you have a child?!" to "but when will you give the baby a sibling?!", even before I had even remotely gotten to grips with this new world of being a mother. Thank you so much for voicing and reaffirming so many of the thoughts I had pre-kids, and still have now after having had one!
Working for a mentoring organization shifted my perspective on parenting in positive ways. I don't think everyone needs to be a parent, but we should all consider being mentors in some capacity.