Sometimes walking away or putting up strict boundaries is the only way to overcome a negative and unhealthy family dynamic. For more on this topic, watch my recent live chat: studio.ua-cam.com/users/video8Wxaws7qShQ/edit
@@TherapistTamaraHill I put up boundaries and walked away from my family to avoid escalating conflicts and disagreements and most of all to find my peace but they called me hater, bitter and i am having my menopausal for avoiding them.
@TherapistTamaraHill Is there a way I can get in touch with you for private sessions? I am a 40yr Female in California. This is a serious inquiry, or I would happily accept a suggestion for someone you recommend? Thank you! 🙏🏽💜
Listen to Tamara and don't fall for their ploys: Guilt, Blame, Shame and Obligation. If you need to get away from your family for your mental health, do it!
You can tell some family members what a family member is doing to you. The toxic family member has been doing bad things to you for quite some time. Crossing boundaries and other things. When you do tell other family members about the behavior of that particular toxic family member towards you, it's like they don't really take your complaints seriously. As if you should continue receiving bad behavior from the toxic family member. It is insanity. When you decide to not speak or be around the toxic family member, other family members may contact you to stay in contact with the toxic family member (in some way or form). It's like some people care more about the family image than what you are going through. Which is extremely horrible and toxic. If someone is treating you badly, you need to stay away from them. Don't let others shame you to continue to get abused. Yes, I agree with Tamara. Family isn't everything.
They definitely do not realise they are the problem. If you are the odd one out and the most different from all of them, you are “clearly” the problem in their eyes.
Today I found out that my parents and siblings get together on the first Saturday of every month, and they have done this for about 8 years. Ever since I moved out, I have been talking to my family about having get-togethers so we can all see each other. Turns out, they have been doing this for nearly a decade. They never once told me about this, and they never once invited me. They told me for years that I was the only son who would see my parents on a regular basis, about once every 2 weeks. They said my siblings never even call them to say hi. I call 3 times per week. I asked why they never invited me and they told me it's because I always say "No, I can't come, I have to work." This is not true. They've never asked me to visit because I always take them out to lunch or dinner every 2 weeks. So now I find out that they have been having monthly get-togethers without me. My siblings are very toxic. My brother is a literal psychopath and my sister is just weird. And then they tell me I'm never available so they never invited me. What... the... f***?
All I can say is, when you’re finally FREE … STAY FREE … going back only gets worse!! Been there, done that … still healing. Literally, they will NEVER change & it hurts but it’s truth !! SAVE YOURSELF! Give them over to God & be at PEACE.
It FINALLY hit me as a successful 62-year-young man that my family NEVER reached out to me and I can't count on one hand how many times they picked up the phone and called me. I can't tell you how free it feels to finally accept that I am FREE from wanting their love or approval. Cutting them off has brought genuine freedom and opened my eyes to how toxic their environment is. I never felt comfortable around them and more than likely drove me to get a master's in counseling😀
I literally just walked away from my family and I don’t think they even know it yet! I’m graduating from college this year and my family doesn’t support me in any way possible. They never ask about classes or anything. I left my hometown (Nashville, Tennessee) and literally every single time they say they are coming to visit we will plan out a date and I would take it off and right before them coming they will make up a false excuse on why they can’t come. It’s been going on for years. I’m giving my graduation tickets to my mother in law and step father in law because they are so supportive and always show interest in my life and what I have going on. Never once had to beg them to come and spend time with me. Never once had to bed for love and support and they show interest in me. That genuine love. I’m to the point of a parent calls me I will watch the phone ring and not call back. Last time I seen my father he spoke to me and I walked right past him like he didn’t exist and he started crying. My mother is the narcissist and it’s always someone else’s fault not hers and I’m done. I’m done with the jealousy envy and hatred fake love whatever you want to call it but I’m gonna enjoy the rest of my life in peace and happiness and if someone disturbs that they are out too!
I walked away from my parents and my sister ended up walking away from me because she didn’t agree with my decision. She also has bi polar disorder which is clearly caused by a dysfunctional childhood. She can’t even acknowledge her own trauma. Sad.
I got them all. Finally first time in 38 years I can sleep and breath and I didn't have an anxiety attack in a whole year. My nerve system gave up on me 2 years ago and that was the first time I realized I must find my freedom.
BIG FAMILY 💖 trust me, it's possible for you to be the ONLY one to have to break away from a toxic family environment. Generational trauma is real. Be sure to work on yourself, like you are now 😊
This is what happen to me. My family has been so toxic and ignorant. Im mixed race and I called my grandma out on the racism that runs in our family and she tried lying about it and I doesn’t remember all the racist things her and other family members have said over many many years. So my grandma went to my aunt and uncle crying victim. The started blowing up my phone. Text message after text message and call after call while I was at work and when I told them I was at work they demanded through text that family is family and that I needed to answer the phone. I’m a caregiver and I can’t just put my client aside to answer the phone. Anyway my aunt (by marriage) sent a text saying I was pathetic. A few weeks go by and my cousin their son who I haven’t heard from in many years calls me randomly and left a voice message saying how he loved and missed me and was hoping to catch up soon. I know they had him call so I’d feel guilty and fall back into the family. He hasn’t talked to me in years because of the horrible things they make up about me. I never called him back. It’s been over a year sense I have talked to any of them.
Ugh that how sounds so terrible. I hate dealing with racism in public I couldn’t imagine my own family viewing me as inferior bc of my race. My heart goes out to you darling. I’m NC with my family and have also had random family reaching out pretending to just be calling. I spoke to one but didn’t go into details about anything. The other one I ignored bc she was being so fake. It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions going thru these things. One min you’re invigorated bc you think y’all are going to resolve then it’s a let down when your realize no one cares about you and how you feel. They’re narcs and flying monkeys/enablers. It’s a song and dance until I hear you acknowledge your wrongdoings. Until then I’m protecting my peace.
@@mercedesharrison5550 they play with your mind. I think even though it’s hard to separate it’s better than continuing to have them mess with your head then years later we in a nursing home all messed up staring at the walls 😆. Sorry you are going through it also ♥️
Stay strong and always remember you are worthy. DNA does not define you as a person. Kuddo to yourself for self protection and enforcing boundaries.❤️💪👏
*hugs* I've been experiencing a smear campaign myself. I blocked everyone on my mother's side of the family because of it. They are enraged that I have the ability to walk away from their abuse. They think they can bully me. Problem is, I've lived away from them for 30+ years, and I have friends at work, I married a husband who had NORMAL parents, and my friends all have normal parents too, so I have a frame of reference to understand how ABNORMAL my relatives are. :( I am no-contact, and it has brought SO MUCH PEACE and I am now with people who love me and want to see me happy, not tear me down to make themselves feel good. Good people are the cure for a toxic family.
@@mvbigmagic4048that is wonderful you found that healthy livingspace for you. So good to hear, that that is possible. 🙂💝 And your husband never Made you feel shame because of not having a healthy family of origin? That's a good man. I wish you well! 🍀
This explains exactly what is going on with my family. I stopped some months ago to talk with my toxic parents. My mom always played the part of the victim...my aunt sent me a message saying that I should call my grandma because she (and all the other family members) are always asking about me. Funny how they started to "care" about me only when I moved to France, but for years they never sent me a message or visited me when I was living in Italy, nor since I'm here in France. I hate the fact that my aunt is trying to make me feel guilty saying: oh you know your grandma is getting really worse with her dementia. It's disgusting...I hate my relatives, especially because when I suffered from depression and my parents were treating me like shit, nobody asked me if I needed any help and they were all supporting my parents
I cut off a lot of people from my life the latest are my in-laws and I’ve never been happier and more peaceful my true family are my wife,daughter,son in law and my grandchildren it’s all I need ❤️🙏🏽✊🏽
U have spoken nothing but the truth. Fam many times are the worst ppl in our lives. I've been so Blessed being away from my DNA relatives. They have been a thorn in my side for many decades.
Unresolved childhood trauma, bipolar disorder, alcohol addiction are the issues that plague my family. But we don’t talk about the real issues. BUT some how I am the problem . Enough is enough.
Yes, I understand your experience. Families that keep secrets and bury dangerous problems and problematic dysfunctional behaviors have a unique view that is very very dysfunctional. On the good side, be happy that you are not part of that dynamic...neither am I!!! As my therapist said to me "your kids are so lucky". Now I'm a therapist. It's helpful to help others who want help when I can't help my own family. Take good care.
My grandmother the matriarch who us supposed to hold the family together has destroyed it. Shes bitter, jealous, angry, manipulative and she hates unity it's so sad 😥
@@lakeishahicks5984 I can completely connect with you on this, my grandmother was the same way. No wonder she passed a but too early. Refused to take care of herself.
It has taken my husband and I years to realize it’s okay to have your own autonomy and have boundaries. When we and our boundaries were disrespected, we walked away. We didn’t do it as a punishment. We did it for our sanity and peace! Unfortunately, the family doesn’t get that, but we realized they are enmeshed in their family system that we want no part of.
One day I realised my family never wanted to resolve any issues, but they needed a villain to blame. I realised by me wanting to resolve whatever problems there were, they refused it because they needed to make it seem like they were trying to keep away from toxicity. The moment I said I was done, they wanted to talk. But when I went to talk, it went back to the same dynamic. Difference is, I've been treating it like a chess game. I'm very careful with interactions because I know they'll invert any interactions.
Hi there I am going through this and have been for years. I even considered even changing my surname. I want my own identity away from them now that I'm older my piece of mind is so important
Currently going through the “who she think she is” because I am QUICK to block someone/unadd anyone who comes to destroy my mental or my peace. is MY life and you will NOT hinder my success or the young woman I am becoming. I refuse to remain emerged into their toxic mess and I choose peace, love, and happiness. I love them dearly, but I can’t take the abuse
Thank You so much Tamara ❤ I was so depressed all week thinking back on the negative words wrapped in so called " love" from my sibling this week. Thank You😁 I used to be a minister. I motivated myself by going to God in prayer. I had pure motives & enjoyed the ministry. My toxic mom & entitled sister harassed me and bullied me daily accusing me of having impure motives for the minstry. Later, I married. He was physically & verbally abusive. When he died, my mom & sis came back around me & continued the persecution. In all it was 40 yrs of this. I left the ministry out of deep depression. My sis became a ministry and used it as a weapon to condemn me to eternal damnation. Now she & the rest of the family misjudge & say the worst things about me. That's why it hurt so bad this week when I was happy again & journaling & making positive plans. Then I saw the accusatory scathing text from my sibling. He said he was saying these things ( weak, selfish, narcissist) from a place of love. He consulted with the rest of the family to come to this conclusion about me he says. He said he is afraid I'll be eternally destroyed. That zapped every bit of motivation out of me. They forget I motivate myself when I am alone. I become strong. They do not want that to happen. I REALLY needed today's video. They already told my sons I am "bad, but I used to be good"They are poisonous. They abused me when I was in the ministry. Now they abuse me because I am not in the ministry and I went no contact with them.
you're welcome! Thank you for watching. I'm sorry you have had to experience this. It's painful when family comes against you, even despite saying they are coming in "love." Criticism of any kind from family (the people you are supposed to love and trust) can be depressing and unmotivating. Praying for your peace.
Then they create a smear campaign on your name and convince other family members of their side of the story and they make sure they go around the whole family and wonder why you don’t talk to any of them.. 🙄
Sheesh the triangulation diagram exactly describes the situation I’m in. My mom is always the so called victim and I’m always the bad guy for trying to get away from my toxic family
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families saved me from the fear, anxiety, regret, disillusionment, Depression, Anger, Resentment, pain, guilt and confusion.
I walked away from my mother 2 years ago. She went to every one i know explaining why its really all my fault. 😢 .. i never had a dad and loved her very much. I still love her. Problem is she never loved me or maybe just resented us. This is my question tho. Im divorced and have been single for a few years. When i date someone new they always seem to want to connect me back with her... why? As if its not ok for us to NOT have a relationship. It makes me feel unsafe with them instantly. Am i overreacting?? I feel like people who are surrounded with people who love and support them will never understand growing up in a world where that doesnt exist.
Very good question. But you know, I would say, when a partner is not accepting our boundaties in that point, it doesn't work. He or she must be one your side. Other way it doesn't work.
When i left my toxic family my mother faked some mystery illness and went around telling people that I walked out on her because she is ill and i didn't want to take care of her. She always manipulated me by faking illness the past.
I’m learning this little by little that family isn’t always everything because when you deal with toxic dramatize, busybody family members and relatives that pull you down that judge you that invade your privacy that don’t respect you as a human being is to move on without them silently I learned that I cannot always place my families, some relatives and people in general all the time and that I need to get out of that bubble of feeling like they have the right to own my life
You hit the nail on the head - this is EXACTLY what my family dynamic looks like...I especially loved your description of the way families who are deep in the dysfunction behave when one person thinks/feels/acts differently. That person is me in my family. And I am all alone, standing my ground for the health and safety of my children and myself. Good thing I became a therapist myself because I understand this dynamic so well after having lived it for the last 14 years.
Why are they like this? It’s heart wrenching. I changed my phone number a week ago after trying low contact for almost a year. They all became enraged and accused me of trying to stay away from them. So now, I changed my number completely. No more contact!
I do NOT appreciate people referring to ME as their "RELATIVE." When in truth I am NOT related to them, and I haven't any idea WHO those people are. The question is...why are THEY so obsessed with ME? Because if they do NOT appreciate ME, and if they do NOT approve of ME. Then why can't they ALL just GO AWAY... forever ? This is the question, and there is NO other questions. They need to STOP mentioning MY name. Period. And they need to GO AWAY and STAY AWAY from ME.
My family is convenient... when I had enough and walked away, they unanimously concede that I was guilty of all the things the persecutor was blaming me for - that kind of behavior dynamic made me build an even more impenetrable wall.
You are doing the lords work. Selflessly giving this knowledge to those who at this moment in time can't afford therapy or who doesn't have a sound person to talk to like a friend. I just want to say thank you because I believe that your videos will help many people if they are fortunate to find them. Thank you for existing. I had a therapist in the past told me that I was making up being bullied at school (I wish) and then I just stopped going because what's the point if your school and youth therapist thinks you are lying. I don't think that I have ever gotten over that hurt and my trust for therapists have really died. My family isn't any better so like I said before I'm no contact for my mental health and wellbeing. The gaslighting was so extreme in my family that I started keeping journals and writing questionable interactions with my family members and every time they would say "I never said that", "Your too sensitive", "If only you had the comprehension that I do", "Your just like your father". I then had a written record of everything and when they denied the truth that I witnessed I started waking up and trusting myself overtime. I also moved abroad and it's funny strangers and neighbours treat me with respect and honour even if I struggle with that too to myself. Also, I never have the problem with gaslighting strange right? I'm not sure if you have online appointments but I would trust you. Thank you for helping and healing people.
I walked away from my toxic mother, sister and niece a little over a year ago. I was happier than I've ever been in my life but recently, my mother and her flying monkeys (my sister and her daughter) made false claims against me to Elderly Protective Services and I'm being investigated for things that I did not even do. Sigh. I haven't been able to get out of bed all day. I am so depressed and have severe fatigue. All I want to do is live my life and never see or hear from any of them again. Why won't they leave me alone?
New sub...thank you, people judged me because I walked away from a narcissistic -cult like family dynamic. They stalk me until today. I am working on my nervous System and reprogramming. It wasn't until I was away from them after appx 3 years that I truly began to see the magnitude of the situation. I didn't realize the extend of abuse, until I left.😢😢 blessings to everyone on a healing journey. We can no longer pour from an empty cup. 💚💙♾️☯️🌀
You're welcome and welcome to the channel! Always glad to have new people. And you are right that "we can no longer pour from an empty cup." Agree. Sometimes letting go or setting very firm boundaries is the only way to go.
I'm the second oldest I have four bothers our parents are disease I have always been there for my brothers and they never been there for me. It's crazy how I'm they only sister and I feel like a outcast. When need something they know me .I have been there for their kids but never was there for my son. I have realized that they used me and took my kindness for weaknesses betray me but me emotionally. I have decided to just walk away for my mental health and I know worth.
I went thru the same with my mom's sister her kids. They used and took advantage of me. My kids are graduating in May and I am already hearing a excuse from my aunt for why she cant go, but yet I came to both her kids graduation. She also guilted me to giving her kids things for free.
Wow so glad I found your channel! And this video really resonated with me due to a situation regarding triangulation that happened recently.... I'll get to that. I started therapy in June due to my incredibly toxic inlaws and I *just* learned that my inlaws ostracize me, which is a silent form of bullying. My husband is the only boy of 6 children, so I have 5 sisters-in-law that bully me, or mobbing. I've been ostracized so badly by all 5 of them that this abuse has hurt me deeply. I was even told something very cruel by my husband's oldest sister, during the first year of our marriage, and while I was 7 months pregnant. She said, "You will never be accepted into this family, and I speak for all of my sisters." Unquote. She said that 34 years ago and those words still haunt & hurt me. After she said that I began noticing how my husband's other sisters were cold to me. Ignored me. Shunned me. Didn't want to talk to me. Treating me like I just don't matter, and they STILL treat me that way. I feel invisible around them because that's how they treat me. Collectively, too! Funny how they ALL treat me the same way, hmm. All these little hurts are like small cuts that have caused tremendous emotional internal bleeding. So I started pulling away from their family get gatherings, but my husband and kids would go without me, while I stayed behind by myself for an entire week. This went on for YEARS. Treatment I did not deserve because I've always been a good & faithful wife. I think they were all very jealous of me, especially my late mother-in-law. So last summer they all went on another family vacation together this time with our adult son and his family, while I stayed home by myself. This caused a new low in my depression and I just wanted to die. I got really depressed. This new low alarmed me so I knew it was time to seriously consider therapy. But it took me nearly a year to finally get into therapy, last June. My husband has fun with his family and gets along with them, but now he's finally seeing that when he spends time with them without me that this is hurting me deeply. And he's finally ready to make me a priority and to put some distance between he and his family. In fact he's prepared to say No to the next summer vacation they plan every single year. He's going to stay home with me and maybe we'll do something else together. A few days ago my husband even told me that he's willing to completely walk from his family since it hurts me so much. But I'm the one who feels guilty about that. Please tell me to let him protect me! His mother just died age 98, about 5 months ago, so the only family members left are 4 sisters (one died two years ago). And these four sisters are incredibly possessive of my husband and they all feel very entitled to treat me like shit but still talk to my husband whenever they want to. But right now my husband isn't talking to any of them. They are all blocked on his phone. So one sister "triangulated" the situation by calling our son, someone she never calls, and asked him for him, involved him in this whole issue by hoping he could help getting her unblocked. We were so furious with her for involving him because our son actually stood up for his aunt and asked us to unblock her. But we don't want to unblock her because she is so entitled, controlling and toxic. We had to tell our son no. But the fact that she used our child to do her bidding is just so inappropriate that it blows our mind. My husband called and confronted her about this but she said she isn't sorry and instead blamed us for why she called our son. Classic narcissism. They truly believe that they should still be able to treat me like sh*t and still have complete access to my husband. Sorry, doesn't work that way. That was the old Dru. Meet the new Dru! We are trying to break free of his toxic family, but are having trouble doing this due to the pushback from his sisters and our two sons. I wish my husband's family were more healthy, but they are not. So unfortunate. So we need to get healthy and leave.
Hi There, Thank you for your comment. And I'm glad you are on the channel. Welcome! I did see your question earlier about your comment being removed. It is here. I see it! If you added another comment and it was removed, that was likely because it was caught by the spam system on UA-cam. Sometimes if there are curse words, too many negative words, etc. listed, the comment will be removed. And sometimes I remove them as well but I certainly did not remove your comment! ------------------------------------------ It is difficult trying to move away from or set healthy boundaries with toxic family. It's draining. It takes a lot of stregnth, faith, direction, self-respect, and determination to unravel yourself from these kinds of individuals.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Hi! Thank you for writing! Now I understand what happened with my comments ... Yes, the whole experience of being ostracized by my in-laws all theses years; and now setting healthy boundaries with them has been difficult & completely draining. I'm working really hard setting healthy boundaries with these toxic people. And I no longer consider them family, they're just "people" to me now. I appreciate your advice, thank you :)
This is a great presentation of, what I call for myself, the domestic violence syndromes. That phrase is problematic because fingers start flying everywhere. It opens up a can of worms, like social credit, no contact orders, family secret emotional abuse, expensive lawyers, missed time at work, etc. The decision I had to make leaving the city and marriage and having a non disclosable location when the children were little was very hard. But I was no longer sexually and emotionally abused. He finally told one of his adult children, age 30 about some of the bad things he did that made me leave because he remarried a woman that made him tell the truth. The youngest recently threatened me with hacking and violence that I could charge him with easily but sooner or later his meth and alcohol abuse will force him into treatment. I thought about paying for his counseling or having AA people come with me to have a calm intervention but he just got more violent. So the disease goes from one generation to the next in some cases. I am not God. I can’t fix it but I would like to be the hand of AA or AlAnon for him. But today it doesn’t look like it’s in my cards. Take a minute to smile at a stranger. That might mean the difference between suicidal thinking and asking for help. ❤🇺🇸
Probably makes me feel even worse about myself now. I walked away from my biological family near five years ago and not one tried to contact me and still have not and nor have they ever asked about my kids etc. shows how much I mattered to them. Just reaffirms why I walked away.
It's hard though, ya know? The inner child still has this magical thinking that things will work out and you'll have a happy family in the end despite reality.
The part where you said certain family members want the control thereby creating a triangle that makes it hard for you to get the support you need!... That's exactly what my so-called Uncle has done! I've completely BLOCKED HIM and choosing to live a toxic-free life!😊
Mine don’t care enough to even ASK…..the ones you’re describing sound DECENT….at least TRY…..there’s people put here who have family that TREMENDOUSLY hurt them…..so they go no contact….and the family don’t even care…..lol….
I found out after my mom died that my rest of the family were salvage dogs. I was surprised by the cruelty of actions and words they did. Disgusting evil and they are going to fry in hell because of all they did. My only sibling got legally disinherited and I don't have family anymore. I had a gang of family do all kinds of stuff to take me down. I been slandered publicly and lied about and they recruited people daily to join in. I had my roof damaged on my house and car damaged and even had to call police. It has been crazy evil. I don't ever want to even speak to anyone of them. I was really hurt I had to stand alone to do right by my parents. I split 50/50 and let her have moms household stuff, personal stuff and pictures and you know what her problem was she thought she deserved everything and she because she didn't had to punish me by lying running up debt after my mom died in my mom's name. Damaged moms house cause the house had to be sold to pay mom's debt. That's when she broke the trust rules my mom had in the trust. So where I sit I don't have family anymore.
Such a great explanation. When I chose to stay away from my parents, I was surprised that the sister I was closest with turned against me. To this day she still tries to get me to "bond" with our unavailable parents because she wants a relationship with them. On my husband's side, we cut ties with his big brother and SIL, and my MIL tried to convince us to "sacrifice" for her, so we could be the fantasy family she didn't have growing up. (Shaking head) Rescuers surprise me, but they also show me their true colors--they're very selfish individuals who lack empathy.
Thank you. It's so hard walking away because of the reality of having to do so in the first place. But then it gets even harder, so I have seen, when you consider how others in the family may be encouraged (intentionally or unintentionally) to stay away from you. It's truly a complicated mixture.
the most disgusting part of a toxic family is that when your siblings long term treats you abusively, but when they have their own kids, they act like they are the angels to their own kids. totally drama.
I play a role of a peace-maker, but partially - if I hear people screaming, I go there to calm down the situation. But can't reconcile everyone, because at times some family members won't discuss and would rather run away to their room and stop talking, and I learned just well that peace means you shouldn't touch them) But reaching out to people to reunite them seems like too much control or something like this. Sometimes I do care, but can't make myself speak on intimate topics
This is a good point. Even though you are ready to make things better and calm down, that doesn't mean that others are too. That becomes draining at some point.
@@TherapistTamaraHill At what point do those of us that are ready to move on and reconcile simply give up on that family member? I know this is all extremely subjective but I would still appreciate a general idea of when to walk away and how to keep my boundaries up when I'm being weak. A fiction or non-fiction example would be Amazing. Thank yoi!
Wow, Tamara, have you been watching my family this week?!?😅 Thank you, your video really dealt with some current drama going on in my family that's blowing my mind! This helps explain it a lot!
Very Well Said Sounds Like My Back Stabbing Family Stabbing My Son And Me Taking About Us And Treating Us Like Trash And The Family Members Not Even Talking About Their Own Family After Me Helping Them Y I Just Moved Away Thank God For Leading Me To The Right Place 🕊️🙌
Not all toxic people are bad. Some of them are simply nice but they compromise our happiness. Same with my parents and my older siblings. They are not abusing me physically but they don't know that they break in my boundary. My only fault is that I can't express what I really want. They give me cold shoulder if I say no even I'm on the right path. Some of my relatives are toxic too. My society as well.
Tamara, You have been a blessing to me… thank you so much for helping me understand everything that happened. It happened exactly how you explained it. I’ve been gone for 3.5 years now and have been at peace. My parents and siblings are on a completely different path then me and my family. Matthew 7:13-14
🤗❤🙏Amen! Thank you and I'm so glad that you are finding healing in these videos. That's the goal every single video and I feel like I have accomplished the will of God when I read messages like yours. Psalm 147:3
WHEN I LEVELED UP FAMILY AND JUST PEOPLE I FELT WERE A HELP WAS NOT A HELP AT ALL BUT I FEEL GREAT TO LEARN “ U CANT BRING EVERYONE WITH YOU “ MOST PEOPLE JUST LEFT I DIDNT ASK THEM TO LEAVE AND 2 DAYS AGO RAN INTO A MENTOR WHO DIDNT RECOGNIZE ME AND ACTUALLY AT 76 YEARS AGO WANTED TO FIGHT WHEN HE THOUGHT I WAS A STRANGER…. THAT WAS SAD!!!! WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY❤…. WHEEEEW
Family used to mean to me there was someone that always loved you somewhere you could always go and always have support. I have realized at 62 years old that is not the case. For years, I have been supporting everyone else’s illusion and being what everyone else expected me to be. I realize my family was very dysfunctional and there is no support to me. Certain family members have treated me poorly, and gave me attention. Only one it gave them good attention for doing it. The truth is I have been mostly abandoned yet useful to others. I have come to realize I have to let go of one of my siblings. I only have two left in total I have been struggling with this and very sad but come to realize this temporary sadness is much safer for me then anger rages, and possible physical harm, bodily. I have been very sad and confused. These are not signs of being around healthy people. I forgive them. I love them or at least my illusion of them and I let them go. I pray they are taking care of and will get better. Only time will tell but I won’t enable it or getting God‘s way.
What do you do with a child that does not want to listen and learn about preparing for adult life? What do you do with a child that was hell bent and decided when they graduated they were moving across the country, but still believes the parents kicked them out 3 years later? What do you do with a child that has requested, received and has been offered assistance with various mental health therapies for the past ten years, with little to no progress? What do you do with a child that after numerous calm family discussions/family therapy regarding their past experiences, coming to an understanding, but then never develops of of this? What do you do for a child that makes negative statements and claims about parents to a sibling, then conducts themselves completely different in front of parents? What do you do for a child that has been raised in the same household of a sibling that adores living at home/family life and this child was not treated any differently? What do you do with a child that never decides to introspect on decisions they have made whether it be not keeping employment, damaging/severing friendships, etc. and always blaming parents, friends, coworkers, etc.? This child is 22 years old. I hear what is being said, but sometimes the person calling the parents/family toxic is in fact the toxic person in the equation....knowing the whole story is crucial.
I am so happy I found your channel!! I decided to walk away from my family due to a ton of trauma I experienced as a kid. I always felt it was due to the fact I am their stepsister! We my brothers and I have always felt like the “red headed step children”, of our family. The unkind things they would say when my parents weren’t around, not to mention sexual trauma I endured!! Since we’re older it’s as if they want us to forget all this and come party and be a family when they never really liked us in the first place! I am soooo over it already!! I tried to talk to my sister about the sexual trauma… she flat out called me a liar! Did not even allow me to tell her my truth 😢 So I cut all ties and now they have turned friends that I have known for years against me! Even ex boyfriends I have dated they have befriended!! It’s so lonely here… but I know why I am being attacked!! Just for telling the truth and pointing out the dysfunctional relationships!
I just had to change my son number. He has an intellectual disability and they invited him to a party. Of course they would envy him to drink alcohol because that is what they do at these parties! But I feel they are trying to feed him alcohol to pump information about what I am up too!! Please send positive vibes and prayers this way as this has been difficult! My dad is now 91 and once he is gone I don’t even know if I will be able to attend his funeral! Just because I am exhausted and just really don’t want to see them!!
Mines say nothing but they reach out to my children. When they come to my town they team up and pick and choose who they want relationship with and be kind too. Trying to make me look bad as to make everything peaches and cream “ see it’s not us it’s her”
There has been in my family this toxicity.i had to walk away.Im not able to be disregarded as if im not standing in the verbal and manipulation anymore.
my mom got me out as a child and I went back when I got older. now I am working on getting free again- I know its been said but once you're free STAY that way!
After listening to others i felt guilty for leaving my toxic familymembers. Again and again i left and then forgave their manipulations and narcisistic behaviors. Everytime i said to myself, this is the last time i fell for their crap. Still in the same mess because i'm helping a familymember against another due to an inheritance case. I do recognize what you said Tamara. I know for sure that blood is not always family. Human roots are not always from the same tree.
WHEN ,i walked away for almost3 years,The Narrccist...(Abuser) ,Verbally Abusbive,Parent,sent the FLYNG 🐒 🐒,to pull me back in,I softened.my heart,it was ok ,for a hot minute,The NARCwent right back to thier NASTY WAYS...
Thank you It was in simple, not very high professional language, and I was able to understand everything. I think it makes big credit for your video It perfectly explains why I two times run away from home when I was young. And also why did I got married so far away also explains perfectly. And what happened to me when I came back in very big need and collapse mentally, and had to hospitalise myself in mental institution when I had on hands 6 small children.... My mom never had any breaks, so she broke me in the end. Still I'm blaming myself that my memory got too short from different hardships and I forgot who she is and what she is. Merciless and graceless Non mother to me...
one in my family told a cop i went no contact. so i had to tell the cop that i thought he behaved badly and needed to say i'm sorry and mean it. and that he would never do that. as he thinks he have done nothing wrong. no fixing that relation for me
After years im realizing one of my siblings is two parts of the triangle by themselves. The first of these spats happened years ago where I only got half an apology, it was a "mental problem" that they wont address. Now years later the same thing is being repeated but dialed up on frequency. Very dissapointing
Sometimes it takes 40 or 50 years to accept and love yourself and appreciate what you did to survive...regardless of what the rest of the "family" thinks. I am a Christian and I SO APPRECIATE Jesus of Nazareth's redefining his own FAMILY!
Same here. I love the Lord and was born again at 24. Now 62 my eyes have opened to how TOXIC my growing up years were. Unless the Lord build the house they labor in vain! I now keep a VERY HEALTHY boundary with any family member. I had broken free from a family who has a deep distain for the gospel.
I recently received counselingn for my family troubles, but the counselor was not able to offer my any techniques, perspectives or insights: just that I have to decide what is best for my most immediate family. This video helped give shape to the dynamics, which allowed my feeling ngs to resonate somewhat more. Thank you.
You're welcome! I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. But glad this video was helpful. To be honest, a lot of therapists aren't taught about these dynamics and aren't aware of how complicated they can be. And most of the research on family dynamics is not within reach for therapists unless they really search for the information. So this may have been a lack of knowledge on the therapist's part. I do hope that you continue to find value online as you navigate this dynamic. I also welcome you to my live chats on Friday and Saturdays 6:30pm est. I've been told they are therapeutic.😉
Hi Tamara, I am happy to meet you, I am grateful to find your channel on UA-cam, I need to talk with someone on the professional level. I find you very knowledgeable and caring.
Thanks so much! Welcome! Glad to have you. Feel free to join me on Friday's after 6pm on my live chats. I discuss these topics and more. Coming up next Friday I will be delving back into this very topic.
Sometimes walking away or putting up strict boundaries is the only way to overcome a negative and unhealthy family dynamic. For more on this topic, watch my recent live chat: studio.ua-cam.com/users/video8Wxaws7qShQ/edit
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank You 🙏🏽 Very Much!!
Absolutely right! My brother and sister in law throw all my stuff out my bedroom when I decided to come back from Philadelphia !😢😢😢
@@TherapistTamaraHill I put up boundaries and walked away from my family to avoid escalating conflicts and disagreements and most of all to find my peace but they called me hater, bitter and i am having my menopausal for avoiding them.
@TherapistTamaraHill Is there a way I can get in touch with you for private sessions? I am a 40yr Female in California. This is a serious inquiry, or I would happily accept a suggestion for someone you recommend? Thank you! 🙏🏽💜
Listen to Tamara and don't fall for their ploys: Guilt, Blame, Shame and Obligation. If you need to get away from your family for your mental health, do it!
🤗thank you!!
Yes
💗💗💗👁️
AMEN!!
I definitely needed to hear this. 🙏🏼
You can tell some family members what a family member is doing to you. The toxic family member has been doing bad things to you for quite some time. Crossing boundaries and other things. When you do tell other family members about the behavior of that particular toxic family member towards you, it's like they don't really take your complaints seriously. As if you should continue receiving bad behavior from the toxic family member. It is insanity.
When you decide to not speak or be around the toxic family member, other family members may contact you to stay in contact with the toxic family member (in some way or form). It's like some people care more about the family image than what you are going through. Which is extremely horrible and toxic. If someone is treating you badly, you need to stay away from them. Don't let others shame you to continue to get abused.
Yes, I agree with Tamara. Family isn't everything.
🙌
Absolute facts. You can make anyone your family and it does not have to be blood related.
What’s weird is they act like they dnt realize they’re the problem lol
For sure because in their eyes we are the issue
True
They definitely do not realise they are the problem. If you are the odd one out and the most different from all of them, you are “clearly” the problem in their eyes.
Exactly!!
Today I found out that my parents and siblings get together on the first Saturday of every month, and they have done this for about 8 years.
Ever since I moved out, I have been talking to my family about having get-togethers so we can all see each other. Turns out, they have been doing this for nearly a decade. They never once told me about this, and they never once invited me.
They told me for years that I was the only son who would see my parents on a regular basis, about once every 2 weeks. They said my siblings never even call them to say hi. I call 3 times per week.
I asked why they never invited me and they told me it's because I always say "No, I can't come, I have to work." This is not true. They've never asked me to visit because I always take them out to lunch or dinner every 2 weeks. So now I find out that they have been having monthly get-togethers without me. My siblings are very toxic. My brother is a literal psychopath and my sister is just weird. And then they tell me I'm never available so they never invited me. What... the... f***?
All I can say is, when you’re finally FREE … STAY FREE … going back only gets worse!! Been there, done that … still healing.
Literally, they will NEVER change & it hurts but it’s truth !! SAVE YOURSELF! Give them over to God & be at PEACE.
YES!!
Give them over to God. Thank you 🙏
The less people you tell, the better.
It FINALLY hit me as a successful 62-year-young man that my family NEVER reached out to me and I can't count on one hand how many times they picked up the phone and called me. I can't tell you how free it feels to finally accept that I am FREE from wanting their love or approval. Cutting them off has brought genuine freedom and opened my eyes to how toxic their environment is. I never felt comfortable around them and more than likely drove me to get a master's in counseling😀
I literally just walked away from my family and I don’t think they even know it yet! I’m graduating from college this year and my family doesn’t support me in any way possible. They never ask about classes or anything. I left my hometown (Nashville, Tennessee) and literally every single time they say they are coming to visit we will plan out a date and I would take it off and right before them coming they will make up a false excuse on why they can’t come. It’s been going on for years. I’m giving my graduation tickets to my mother in law and step father in law because they are so supportive and always show interest in my life and what I have going on. Never once had to beg them to come and spend time with me. Never once had to bed for love and support and they show interest in me. That genuine love. I’m to the point of a parent calls me I will watch the phone ring and not call back. Last time I seen my father he spoke to me and I walked right past him like he didn’t exist and he started crying. My mother is the narcissist and it’s always someone else’s fault not hers and I’m done. I’m done with the jealousy envy and hatred fake love whatever you want to call it but I’m gonna enjoy the rest of my life in peace and happiness and if someone disturbs that they are out too!
Whew! I totally relate. Good for you and congratulations 🥳
I feel for you .. I've experienced the same thing you have 🙏🏽💪🙏🏽💪🙏🏽
@@BryantBaudelaire Amen
I hear you, I've experienced all that too, held on longer than was needed, it's so freeing walking away.
Don't let them know where you live or where you work
Best advice ever!!
I walked away from my parents and my sister ended up walking away from me because she didn’t agree with my decision. She also has bi polar disorder which is clearly caused by a dysfunctional childhood. She can’t even acknowledge her own trauma. Sad.
Hm...yes.
It seems like she has her own journey. You've found yours. Hopefully, she finds her, in peace.
I got them all. Finally first time in 38 years I can sleep and breath and I didn't have an anxiety attack in a whole year. My nerve system gave up on me 2 years ago and that was the first time I realized I must find my freedom.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
@@IvetParris ❤️❤️
BIG FAMILY 💖 trust me, it's possible for you to be the ONLY one to have to break away from a toxic family environment. Generational trauma is real. Be sure to work on yourself, like you are now 😊
Yes
I walked away. Best decision ever. It still hurts sometimes because I miss them but being around them isn’t worth it.
That's tough indeed. I always tell clients to make this their last resort.
@@josea.3763 if you miss them…go back, it is worth it
This is what happen to me. My family has been so toxic and ignorant. Im mixed race and I called my grandma out on the racism that runs in our family and she tried lying about it and I doesn’t remember all the racist things her and other family members have said over many many years. So my grandma went to my aunt and uncle crying victim. The started blowing up my phone. Text message after text message and call after call while I was at work and when I told them I was at work they demanded through text that family is family and that I needed to answer the phone. I’m a caregiver and I can’t just put my client aside to answer the phone. Anyway my aunt (by marriage) sent a text saying I was pathetic. A few weeks go by and my cousin their son who I haven’t heard from in many years calls me randomly and left a voice message saying how he loved and missed me and was hoping to catch up soon. I know they had him call so I’d feel guilty and fall back into the family. He hasn’t talked to me in years because of the horrible things they make up about me. I never called him back. It’s been over a year sense I have talked to any of them.
Ugh that how sounds so terrible. I hate dealing with racism in public I couldn’t imagine my own family viewing me as inferior bc of my race. My heart goes out to you darling. I’m NC with my family and have also had random family reaching out pretending to just be calling. I spoke to one but didn’t go into details about anything. The other one I ignored bc she was being so fake. It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions going thru these things. One min you’re invigorated bc you think y’all are going to resolve then it’s a let down when your realize no one cares about you and how you feel. They’re narcs and flying monkeys/enablers. It’s a song and dance until I hear you acknowledge your wrongdoings. Until then I’m protecting my peace.
@@mercedesharrison5550 they play with your mind. I think even though it’s hard to separate it’s better than continuing to have them mess with your head then years later we in a nursing home all messed up staring at the walls 😆. Sorry you are going through it also ♥️
Stay strong and always remember you are worthy. DNA does not define you as a person. Kuddo to yourself for self protection and enforcing boundaries.❤️💪👏
*hugs* I've been experiencing a smear campaign myself. I blocked everyone on my mother's side of the family because of it. They are enraged that I have the ability to walk away from their abuse. They think they can bully me. Problem is, I've lived away from them for 30+ years, and I have friends at work, I married a husband who had NORMAL parents, and my friends all have normal parents too, so I have a frame of reference to understand how ABNORMAL my relatives are. :( I am no-contact, and it has brought SO MUCH PEACE and I am now with people who love me and want to see me happy, not tear me down to make themselves feel good. Good people are the cure for a toxic family.
@@mvbigmagic4048that is wonderful you found that healthy livingspace for you. So good to hear, that that is possible. 🙂💝
And your husband never Made you feel shame because of not having a healthy family of origin? That's a good man.
I wish you well! 🍀
It is okay to put your health and safety FIRST. It took 44 years for me to understand this.
Yes let them stay mad. 7 years no contact and blessed 😊. My actions speak louder than words. Fake family is worse than a hateful enemy
This explains exactly what is going on with my family. I stopped some months ago to talk with my toxic parents. My mom always played the part of the victim...my aunt sent me a message saying that I should call my grandma because she (and all the other family members) are always asking about me. Funny how they started to "care" about me only when I moved to France, but for years they never sent me a message or visited me when I was living in Italy, nor since I'm here in France. I hate the fact that my aunt is trying to make me feel guilty saying: oh you know your grandma is getting really worse with her dementia. It's disgusting...I hate my relatives, especially because when I suffered from depression and my parents were treating me like shit, nobody asked me if I needed any help and they were all supporting my parents
Sounds awful. Stay away from them. They all know what they’re doing. That’s what I’m trying to do.
Be strong, it can seem a hard decision, but in the long run, you need the peace that they refuse to give you.
❤
Moved. New phone. New email. No contact.gone
I applaud you. I’m too much of a thinker, I’m not sure on how to get there like you have. I wish you a happy life full of freedom.
I cut off a lot of people from my life the latest are my in-laws and I’ve never been happier and more peaceful my true family are my wife,daughter,son in law and my grandchildren it’s all I need ❤️🙏🏽✊🏽
U have spoken nothing but the truth. Fam many times are the worst ppl in our lives. I've been so Blessed being away from my DNA relatives. They have been a thorn in my side for many decades.
I'm walking Away........they just don't know it....
I understand 😔
Unresolved childhood trauma, bipolar disorder, alcohol addiction are the issues that plague my family.
But we don’t talk about the real issues. BUT
some how I am the problem .
Enough is enough.
Yes, I understand your experience. Families that keep secrets and bury dangerous problems and problematic dysfunctional behaviors have a unique view that is very very dysfunctional. On the good side, be happy that you are not part of that dynamic...neither am I!!! As my therapist said to me "your kids are so lucky". Now I'm a therapist. It's helpful to help others who want help when I can't help my own family. Take good care.
My grandmother the matriarch who us supposed to hold the family together has destroyed it. Shes bitter, jealous, angry, manipulative and she hates unity it's so sad 😥
@@lakeishahicks5984 I can completely connect with you on this, my grandmother was the same way. No wonder she passed a but too early. Refused to take care of herself.
It has taken my husband and I years to realize it’s okay to have your own autonomy and have boundaries. When we and our boundaries were disrespected, we walked away. We didn’t do it as a punishment. We did it for our sanity and peace! Unfortunately, the family doesn’t get that, but we realized they are enmeshed in their family system that we want no part of.
One day I realised my family never wanted to resolve any issues, but they needed a villain to blame. I realised by me wanting to resolve whatever problems there were, they refused it because they needed to make it seem like they were trying to keep away from toxicity. The moment I said I was done, they wanted to talk. But when I went to talk, it went back to the same dynamic. Difference is, I've been treating it like a chess game. I'm very careful with interactions because I know they'll invert any interactions.
I am so much better off without them.
Hi there I am going through this and have been for years. I even considered even changing my surname. I want my own identity away from them now that I'm older my piece of mind is so important
Currently going through the “who she think she is” because I am QUICK to block someone/unadd anyone who comes to destroy my mental or my peace. is MY life and you will NOT hinder my success or the young woman I am becoming. I refuse to remain emerged into their toxic mess and I choose peace, love, and happiness. I love them dearly, but I can’t take the abuse
Thank You so much Tamara ❤ I was so depressed all week thinking back on the negative words wrapped in so called " love" from my sibling this week. Thank You😁 I used to be a minister. I motivated myself by going to God in prayer. I had pure motives & enjoyed the ministry. My toxic mom & entitled sister harassed me and bullied me daily accusing me of having impure motives for the minstry. Later, I married. He was physically & verbally abusive. When he died, my mom & sis came back around me & continued the persecution. In all it was 40 yrs of this. I left the ministry out of deep depression. My sis became a ministry and used it as a weapon to condemn me to eternal damnation. Now she & the rest of the family misjudge & say the worst things about me. That's why it hurt so bad this week when I was happy again & journaling & making positive plans. Then I saw the accusatory scathing text from my sibling. He said he was saying these things ( weak, selfish, narcissist) from a place of love. He consulted with the rest of the family to come to this conclusion about me he says. He said he is afraid I'll be eternally destroyed. That zapped every bit of motivation out of me. They forget I motivate myself when I am alone. I become strong. They do not want that to happen. I REALLY needed today's video. They already told my sons I am "bad, but I used to be good"They are poisonous. They abused me when I was in the ministry. Now they abuse me because I am not in the ministry and I went no contact with them.
you're welcome! Thank you for watching. I'm sorry you have had to experience this. It's painful when family comes against you, even despite saying they are coming in "love." Criticism of any kind from family (the people you are supposed to love and trust) can be depressing and unmotivating. Praying for your peace.
Get away from ministry. My family has persecuted me from their religious perspective forever. Iam preparing myself to divorce them.
This is so helpful for me because this is how it goes when you trying to distance yourself
No Wonder it felt like my childhood was robbed from me 💀
Then they create a smear campaign on your name and convince other family members of their side of the story and they make sure they go around the whole family and wonder why you don’t talk to any of them.. 🙄
Sheesh the triangulation diagram exactly describes the situation I’m in. My mom is always the so called victim and I’m always the bad guy for trying to get away from my toxic family
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families saved me from the fear, anxiety, regret, disillusionment, Depression, Anger, Resentment, pain, guilt and confusion.
I walked away from my mother 2 years ago. She went to every one i know explaining why its really all my fault. 😢 .. i never had a dad and loved her very much. I still love her. Problem is she never loved me or maybe just resented us.
This is my question tho. Im divorced and have been single for a few years. When i date someone new they always seem to want to connect me back with her... why? As if its not ok for us to NOT have a relationship. It makes me feel unsafe with them instantly. Am i overreacting??
I feel like people who are surrounded with people who love and support them will never understand growing up in a world where that doesnt exist.
Very good question. But you know, I would say, when a partner is not accepting our boundaties in that point, it doesn't work. He or she must be one your side. Other way it doesn't work.
When i left my toxic family my mother faked some mystery illness and went around telling people that I walked out on her because she is ill and i didn't want to take care of her.
She always manipulated me by faking illness the past.
My mother is a horrible gossip. I don’t feel like I can have a regular conversation with her that won’t be repeated. It’s not a good feeling.
@@757Princess makes you not trust her. I don’t tell my mom anything. I’ve caught her talking about me.
I’m learning this little by little that family isn’t always everything because when you deal with toxic dramatize, busybody family members and relatives that pull you down that judge you that invade your privacy that don’t respect you as a human being is to move on without them silently I learned that I cannot always place my families, some relatives and people in general all the time and that I need to get out of that bubble of feeling like they have the right to own my life
You hit the nail on the head - this is EXACTLY what my family dynamic looks like...I especially loved your description of the way families who are deep in the dysfunction behave when one person thinks/feels/acts differently. That person is me in my family. And I am all alone, standing my ground for the health and safety of my children and myself. Good thing I became a therapist myself because I understand this dynamic so well after having lived it for the last 14 years.
Why are they like this? It’s heart wrenching. I changed my phone number a week ago after trying low contact for almost a year.
They all became enraged and accused me of trying to stay away from them. So now, I changed my number completely. No more contact!
I do NOT appreciate people referring to ME as their "RELATIVE." When in truth I am NOT related to them, and I haven't any idea WHO those people are. The question is...why are THEY so obsessed with ME? Because if they do NOT appreciate ME, and if they do NOT approve of ME. Then why can't they ALL just GO AWAY... forever ? This is the question, and there is NO other questions.
They need to STOP mentioning MY name. Period. And they need to GO AWAY and STAY AWAY from ME.
My family is convenient... when I had enough and walked away, they unanimously concede that I was guilty of all the things the persecutor was blaming me for - that kind of behavior dynamic made me build an even more impenetrable wall.
You are doing the lords work. Selflessly giving this knowledge to those who at this moment in time can't afford therapy or who doesn't have a sound person to talk to like a friend. I just want to say thank you because I believe that your videos will help many people if they are fortunate to find them.
Thank you for existing. I had a therapist in the past told me that I was making up being bullied at school (I wish) and then I just stopped going because what's the point if your school and youth therapist thinks you are lying.
I don't think that I have ever gotten over that hurt and my trust for therapists have really died. My family isn't any better so like I said before I'm no contact for my mental health and wellbeing.
The gaslighting was so extreme in my family that I started keeping journals and writing questionable interactions with my family members and every time they would say "I never said that", "Your too sensitive", "If only you had the comprehension that I do", "Your just like your father". I then had a written record of everything and when they denied the truth that I witnessed I started waking up and trusting myself overtime.
I also moved abroad and it's funny strangers and neighbours treat me with respect and honour even if I struggle with that too to myself. Also, I never have the problem with gaslighting strange right?
I'm not sure if you have online appointments but I would trust you. Thank you for helping and healing people.
I walked away from my toxic mother, sister and niece a little over a year ago. I was happier than I've ever been in my life but recently, my mother and her flying monkeys (my sister and her daughter) made false claims against me to Elderly Protective Services and I'm being investigated for things that I did not even do. Sigh. I haven't been able to get out of bed all day. I am so depressed and have severe fatigue. All I want to do is live my life and never see or hear from any of them again. Why won't they leave me alone?
Family is not always blood
New sub...thank you, people judged me because I walked away from a narcissistic -cult like family dynamic. They stalk me until today. I am working on my nervous System and reprogramming. It wasn't until I was away from them after appx 3 years that I truly began to see the magnitude of the situation. I didn't realize the extend of abuse, until I left.😢😢 blessings to everyone on a healing journey. We can no longer pour from an empty cup. 💚💙♾️☯️🌀
You're welcome and welcome to the channel! Always glad to have new people.
And you are right that "we can no longer pour from an empty cup." Agree. Sometimes letting go or setting very firm boundaries is the only way to go.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you
😢 I'm in this situation right now , thank you for your insight 🙏 I appreciate 🙏
You are so welcome!! Very glad this was helpful to you.
I'm the second oldest I have four bothers our parents are disease I have always been there for my brothers and they never been there for me. It's crazy how I'm they only sister and I feel like a outcast. When need something they know me .I have been there for their kids but never was there for my son. I have realized that they used me and took my kindness for weaknesses betray me but me emotionally. I have decided to just walk away for my mental health and I know worth.
I went thru the same with my mom's sister her kids. They used and took advantage of me. My kids are graduating in May and I am already hearing a excuse from my aunt for why she cant go, but yet I came to both her kids graduation. She also guilted me to giving her kids things for free.
Love how she talks
Wow so glad I found your channel! And this video really resonated with me due to a situation regarding triangulation that happened recently.... I'll get to that.
I started therapy in June due to my incredibly toxic inlaws and I *just* learned that my inlaws ostracize me, which is a silent form of bullying. My husband is the only boy of 6 children, so I have 5 sisters-in-law that bully me, or mobbing. I've been ostracized so badly by all 5 of them that this abuse has hurt me deeply. I was even told something very cruel by my husband's oldest sister, during the first year of our marriage, and while I was 7 months pregnant. She said,
"You will never be accepted into this family, and I speak for all of my sisters." Unquote.
She said that 34 years ago and those words still haunt & hurt me. After she said that I began noticing how my husband's other sisters were cold to me. Ignored me. Shunned me. Didn't want to talk to me. Treating me like I just don't matter, and they STILL treat me that way. I feel invisible around them because that's how they treat me. Collectively, too! Funny how they ALL treat me the same way, hmm. All these little hurts are like small cuts that have caused tremendous emotional internal bleeding. So I started pulling away from their family get gatherings, but my husband and kids would go without me, while I stayed behind by myself for an entire week. This went on for YEARS. Treatment I did not deserve because I've always been a good & faithful wife. I think they were all very jealous of me, especially my late mother-in-law.
So last summer they all went on another family vacation together this time with our adult son and his family, while I stayed home by myself. This caused a new low in my depression and I just wanted to die. I got really depressed. This new low alarmed me so I knew it was time to seriously consider therapy. But it took me nearly a year to finally get into therapy, last June.
My husband has fun with his family and gets along with them, but now he's finally seeing that when he spends time with them without me that this is hurting me deeply. And he's finally ready to make me a priority and to put some distance between he and his family. In fact he's prepared to say No to the next summer vacation they plan every single year. He's going to stay home with me and maybe we'll do something else together. A few days ago my husband even told me that he's willing to completely walk from his family since it hurts me so much. But I'm the one who feels guilty about that. Please tell me to let him protect me!
His mother just died age 98, about 5 months ago, so the only family members left are 4 sisters (one died two years ago). And these four sisters are incredibly possessive of my husband and they all feel very entitled to treat me like shit but still talk to my husband whenever they want to. But right now my husband isn't talking to any of them. They are all blocked on his phone. So one sister "triangulated" the situation by calling our son, someone she never calls, and asked him for him, involved him in this whole issue by hoping he could help getting her unblocked. We were so furious with her for involving him because our son actually stood up for his aunt and asked us to unblock her. But we don't want to unblock her because she is so entitled, controlling and toxic. We had to tell our son no. But the fact that she used our child to do her bidding is just so inappropriate that it blows our mind. My husband called and confronted her about this but she said she isn't sorry and instead blamed us for why she called our son. Classic narcissism.
They truly believe that they should still be able to treat me like sh*t and still have complete access to my husband. Sorry, doesn't work that way. That was the old Dru. Meet the new Dru!
We are trying to break free of his toxic family, but are having trouble doing this due to the pushback from his sisters and our two sons. I wish my husband's family were more healthy, but they are not. So unfortunate. So we need to get healthy and leave.
Hi There,
Thank you for your comment. And I'm glad you are on the channel. Welcome! I did see your question earlier about your comment being removed. It is here. I see it! If you added another comment and it was removed, that was likely because it was caught by the spam system on UA-cam. Sometimes if there are curse words, too many negative words, etc. listed, the comment will be removed. And sometimes I remove them as well but I certainly did not remove your comment!
------------------------------------------
It is difficult trying to move away from or set healthy boundaries with toxic family. It's draining. It takes a lot of stregnth, faith, direction, self-respect, and determination to unravel yourself from these kinds of individuals.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Hi! Thank you for writing! Now I understand what happened with my comments ...
Yes, the whole experience of being ostracized by my in-laws all theses years; and now setting healthy boundaries with them has been difficult & completely draining. I'm working really hard setting healthy boundaries with these toxic people. And I no longer consider them family, they're just "people" to me now. I appreciate your advice, thank you :)
What you said is absolutely true I have lost complete trust in myself can't wrap my head around things anymore and worried more about my future
This is a great presentation of, what I call for myself, the domestic violence syndromes. That phrase is problematic because fingers start flying everywhere. It opens up a can of worms, like social credit, no contact orders, family secret emotional abuse, expensive lawyers, missed time at work, etc. The decision I had to make leaving the city and marriage and having a non disclosable location when the children were little was very hard. But I was no longer sexually and emotionally abused. He finally told one of his adult children, age 30 about some of the bad things he did that made me leave because he remarried a woman that made him tell the truth. The youngest recently threatened me with hacking and violence that I could charge him with easily but sooner or later his meth and alcohol abuse will force him into
treatment. I thought about paying for his counseling or having AA people come with me to have a calm intervention but he just got more violent. So the disease goes from one generation to the next in some cases. I am not God. I can’t fix it but I would like to be the hand of AA or AlAnon for him. But today it doesn’t look like it’s in my cards. Take a minute to smile at a stranger. That might mean the difference between suicidal thinking and asking for help. ❤🇺🇸
Probably makes me feel even worse about myself now. I walked away from my biological family near five years ago and not one tried to contact me and still have not and nor have they ever asked about my kids etc. shows how much I mattered to them. Just reaffirms why I walked away.
It's hard though, ya know? The inner child still has this magical thinking that things will work out and you'll have a happy family in the end despite reality.
The part where you said certain family members want the control thereby creating a triangle that makes it hard for you to get the support you need!... That's exactly what my so-called Uncle has done! I've completely BLOCKED HIM and choosing to live a toxic-free life!😊
Mine don’t care enough to even ASK…..the ones you’re describing sound DECENT….at least TRY…..there’s people put here who have family that TREMENDOUSLY hurt them…..so they go no contact….and the family don’t even care…..lol….
I found out after my mom died that my rest of the family were salvage dogs. I was surprised by the cruelty of actions and words they did. Disgusting evil and they are going to fry in hell because of all they did. My only sibling got legally disinherited and I don't have family anymore. I had a gang of family do all kinds of stuff to take me down. I been slandered publicly and lied about and they recruited people daily to join in. I had my roof damaged on my house and car damaged and even had to call police. It has been crazy evil. I don't ever want to even speak to anyone of them. I was really hurt I had to stand alone to do right by my parents. I split 50/50 and let her have moms household stuff, personal stuff and pictures and you know what her problem was she thought she deserved everything and she because she didn't had to punish me by lying running up debt after my mom died in my mom's name. Damaged moms house cause the house had to be sold to pay mom's debt. That's when she broke the trust rules my mom had in the trust. So where I sit I don't have family anymore.
Such a great explanation. When I chose to stay away from my parents, I was surprised that the sister I was closest with turned against me. To this day she still tries to get me to "bond" with our unavailable parents because she wants a relationship with them. On my husband's side, we cut ties with his big brother and SIL, and my MIL tried to convince us to "sacrifice" for her, so we could be the fantasy family she didn't have growing up. (Shaking head) Rescuers surprise me, but they also show me their true colors--they're very selfish individuals who lack empathy.
Thank you.
It's so hard walking away because of the reality of having to do so in the first place. But then it gets even harder, so I have seen, when you consider how others in the family may be encouraged (intentionally or unintentionally) to stay away from you. It's truly a complicated mixture.
But why do they want you back when they don't like you
Power, control, it feeds their vampiric appetite and warped mind.
That triangle I love how well you articulated my situation 😢
🤗
the most disgusting part of a toxic family is that when your siblings long term treats you abusively, but when they have their own kids, they act like they are the angels to their own kids. totally drama.
Yes. I've seen this dynamic and it's very toxic.
I play a role of a peace-maker, but partially - if I hear people screaming, I go there to calm down the situation. But can't reconcile everyone, because at times some family members won't discuss and would rather run away to their room and stop talking, and I learned just well that peace means you shouldn't touch them)
But reaching out to people to reunite them seems like too much control or something like this. Sometimes I do care, but can't make myself speak on intimate topics
This is a good point. Even though you are ready to make things better and calm down, that doesn't mean that others are too. That becomes draining at some point.
@@TherapistTamaraHill At what point do those of us that are ready to move on and reconcile simply give up on that family member? I know this is all extremely subjective but I would still appreciate a general idea of when to walk away and how to keep my boundaries up when I'm being weak.
A fiction or non-fiction example would be Amazing.
Thank yoi!
Wow, Tamara, have you been watching my family this week?!?😅 Thank you, your video really dealt with some current drama going on in my family that's blowing my mind! This helps explain it a lot!
You are so welcome!😊
This is tough and there are no real answers at times to address this. Hang in there.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your encouragement! That means so much! God bless you, dear one!
Thank you 🙏And, absolutely, you're welcome 😊 God's blessing upon you.
If you dont want your family calling you or texting you you must block them and save yourself some misery!
Very Well Said Sounds Like My Back Stabbing Family Stabbing My Son And Me Taking About Us And Treating Us Like Trash And The Family Members Not Even Talking About Their Own Family After Me Helping Them Y I Just Moved Away Thank God For Leading Me To The Right Place 🕊️🙌
Not all toxic people are bad. Some of them are simply nice but they compromise our happiness. Same with my parents and my older siblings. They are not abusing me physically but they don't know that they break in my boundary. My only fault is that I can't express what I really want. They give me cold shoulder if I say no even I'm on the right path. Some of my relatives are toxic too. My society as well.
What scares me, petrifies me, is my kids will walk away from me,how i did my own family. But if they do, i will understand
They will for sure…that’s the example you’re giving them 😢
Tamara, You have been a blessing to me… thank you so much for helping me understand everything that happened. It happened exactly how you explained it.
I’ve been gone for 3.5 years now and have been at peace. My parents and siblings are on a completely different path then me and my family.
Matthew 7:13-14
🤗❤🙏Amen! Thank you and I'm so glad that you are finding healing in these videos. That's the goal every single video and I feel like I have accomplished the will of God when I read messages like yours. Psalm 147:3
WHEN I LEVELED UP FAMILY AND JUST PEOPLE I FELT WERE A HELP WAS NOT A HELP AT ALL BUT I FEEL GREAT TO LEARN “ U CANT BRING EVERYONE WITH YOU “ MOST PEOPLE JUST LEFT I DIDNT ASK THEM TO LEAVE AND 2 DAYS AGO RAN INTO A MENTOR WHO DIDNT RECOGNIZE ME AND ACTUALLY AT 76 YEARS AGO WANTED TO FIGHT WHEN HE THOUGHT I WAS A STRANGER…. THAT WAS SAD!!!! WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY❤…. WHEEEEW
Family used to mean to me there was someone that always loved you somewhere you could always go and always have support. I have realized at 62 years old that is not the case. For years, I have been supporting everyone else’s illusion and being what everyone else expected me to be. I realize my family was very dysfunctional and there is no support to me. Certain family members have treated me poorly, and gave me attention. Only one it gave them good attention for doing it. The truth is I have been mostly abandoned yet useful to others. I have come to realize I have to let go of one of my siblings. I only have two left in total I have been struggling with this and very sad but come to realize this temporary sadness is much safer for me then anger rages, and possible physical harm, bodily. I have been very sad and confused. These are not signs of being around healthy people. I forgive them. I love them or at least my illusion of them and I let them go. I pray they are taking care of and will get better. Only time will tell but I won’t enable it or getting God‘s way.
What do you do with a child that does not want to listen and learn about preparing for adult life? What do you do with a child that was hell bent and decided when they graduated they were moving across the country, but still believes the parents kicked them out 3 years later? What do you do with a child that has requested, received and has been offered assistance with various mental health therapies for the past ten years, with little to no progress? What do you do with a child that after numerous calm family discussions/family therapy regarding their past experiences, coming to an understanding, but then never develops of of this? What do you do for a child that makes negative statements and claims about parents to a sibling, then conducts themselves completely different in front of parents? What do you do for a child that has been raised in the same household of a sibling that adores living at home/family life and this child was not treated any differently? What do you do with a child that never decides to introspect on decisions they have made whether it be not keeping employment, damaging/severing friendships, etc. and always blaming parents, friends, coworkers, etc.? This child is 22 years old. I hear what is being said, but sometimes the person calling the parents/family toxic is in fact the toxic person in the equation....knowing the whole story is crucial.
I am so happy I found your channel!! I decided to walk away from my family due to a ton of trauma I experienced as a kid. I always felt it was due to the fact I am their stepsister! We my brothers and I have always felt like the “red headed step children”, of our family. The unkind things they would say when my parents weren’t around, not to mention sexual trauma I endured!! Since we’re older it’s as if they want us to forget all this and come party and be a family when they never really liked us in the first place! I am soooo over it already!! I tried to talk to my sister about the sexual trauma… she flat out called me a liar! Did not even allow me to tell her my truth 😢 So I cut all ties and now they have turned friends that I have known for years against me! Even ex boyfriends I have dated they have befriended!! It’s so lonely here… but I know why I am being attacked!! Just for telling the truth and pointing out the dysfunctional relationships!
I just had to change my son number. He has an intellectual disability and they invited him to a party. Of course they would envy him to drink alcohol because that is what they do at these parties! But I feel they are trying to feed him alcohol to pump information about what I am up too!! Please send positive vibes and prayers this way as this has been difficult! My dad is now 91 and once he is gone I don’t even know if I will be able to attend his funeral! Just because I am exhausted and just really don’t want to see them!!
Walk away when they don't knowit
Always good to,generous and honest,always the out cast and resented.I forgive them all but they are not in my present or future.
Mines say nothing but they reach out to my children. When they come to my town they team up and pick and choose who they want relationship with and be kind too. Trying to make me look bad as to make everything peaches and cream “ see it’s not us it’s her”
Soooo timely that I found your channel! Please advise what to do during holidays. I always get quilted by the rescuer!
There has been in my family this toxicity.i had to walk away.Im not able to be disregarded as if im not standing in the verbal and manipulation anymore.
my mom got me out as a child and I went back when I got older. now I am working on getting free again- I know its been said but once you're free STAY that way!
This is a great video. I liked the visual too.
After listening to others i felt guilty for leaving my toxic familymembers. Again and again i left and then forgave their manipulations and narcisistic behaviors. Everytime i said to myself, this is the last time i fell for their crap. Still in the same mess because i'm helping a familymember against another due to an inheritance case. I do recognize what you said Tamara.
I know for sure that blood is not always family. Human roots are not always from the same tree.
Thank you, Tamara Hill for making this known. I find it helpful to my situation.
You're welcome! So glad this is helpful to you.
Thank you so much for this! Very informative and lots of food for thought 🙏😍🙏
You are so welcome!😊 And thank you!
WHEN ,i walked away for almost3 years,The Narrccist...(Abuser) ,Verbally Abusbive,Parent,sent the FLYNG 🐒 🐒,to pull me back in,I softened.my heart,it was ok ,for a hot minute,The NARCwent right back to thier NASTY WAYS...
Liked, subbed and shared.
I will be watching every episode that has relevance in my VERY mentally dysfunctional family.
Welcome to the channel! And thank you. Join me live on Friday's as well after 5pm. I answer questions and discuss family dynamics.
Thank you
It was in simple, not very high professional language, and I was able to understand everything. I think it makes big credit for your video
It perfectly explains why I two times run away from home when I was young. And also why did I got married so far away also explains perfectly.
And what happened to me when I came back in very big need and collapse mentally, and had to hospitalise myself in mental institution when I had on hands 6 small children.... My mom never had any breaks, so she broke me in the end. Still I'm blaming myself that my memory got too short from different hardships and I forgot who she is and what she is. Merciless and graceless Non mother to me...
I feel so seen. Thank you thank you thank you. You get it.
🤗You're most welcome!!
How about if it is the entire family once the parents have passed on?
Need to watch this!!
That's good to know!
Excellent Commentary!
Thank you!
My sister was the rescuer for my dad. Ny the time I got through talking. She also cut our dad off.
Wow your explanation of triangulation is the best I’ve seen. Thank you! ❤
Very well said! Sounds like my toxic family!
They do you wrong and then be madder that you and try to turn others against me
I am so glad I am across your channel. Thank you for sharing truths. I am a new subscriber❤.
Welcome! Glad to have you! And thank you.
one in my family told a cop i went no contact. so i had to tell the cop that i thought he behaved badly and needed to say i'm sorry and mean it. and that he would never do that. as he thinks he have done nothing wrong. no fixing that relation for me
After years im realizing one of my siblings is two parts of the triangle by themselves. The first of these spats happened years ago where I only got half an apology, it was a "mental problem" that they wont address. Now years later the same thing is being repeated but dialed up on frequency. Very dissapointing
I'm sorry 😞 This is a typical behavior in this dynamic.
Sometimes it takes 40 or 50 years to accept and love yourself and appreciate what you did to survive...regardless of what the rest of the "family" thinks. I am a Christian and I SO APPRECIATE Jesus of Nazareth's redefining his own FAMILY!
Same here. I love the Lord and was born again at 24. Now 62 my eyes have opened to how TOXIC my growing up years were. Unless the Lord build the house they labor in vain! I now keep a VERY HEALTHY boundary with any family member. I had broken free from a family who has a deep distain for the gospel.
Alot of narcs go to church and claim to be Christians too.
I recently received counselingn for my family troubles, but the counselor was not able to offer my any techniques, perspectives or insights: just that I have to decide what is best for my most immediate family. This video helped give shape to the dynamics, which allowed my feeling ngs to resonate somewhat more. Thank you.
You're welcome! I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. But glad this video was helpful.
To be honest, a lot of therapists aren't taught about these dynamics and aren't aware of how complicated they can be. And most of the research on family dynamics is not within reach for therapists unless they really search for the information. So this may have been a lack of knowledge on the therapist's part. I do hope that you continue to find value online as you navigate this dynamic.
I also welcome you to my live chats on Friday and Saturdays 6:30pm est. I've been told they are therapeutic.😉
Thank you for this!! Needed it!!
You're welcome!
I just discovered your videos & I LOVE THEM ❤
Thank you! And welcome to the channel. Glad this is helpful!
Hi Tamara, I am happy to meet you, I am grateful to find your channel on UA-cam, I need to talk with someone on the professional level. I find you very knowledgeable and caring.
Thanks so much!
Welcome! Glad to have you. Feel free to join me on Friday's after 6pm on my live chats. I discuss these topics and more. Coming up next Friday I will be delving back into this very topic.