4 STAGES OF LEAVING TOXIC FAMILY BEHIND | Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
- Family connection is beautiful when it is pure, equal, and based on the principles of respect.
This idea of family is what keeps most people emotionally stuck in the worldwide saying "family is everything."
I often educate my families to their toxic family relationships and a new way of thinking about family so they can make healthier decisions.
When family interactions are "toxic" they are often the result of deceptive and harmful behaviors.
As a result, you may decide to walk away from the family you regard as toxic and never return. This is known as family estrangement.
In this video, I discuss the 4 most common stages you may experience after walking away from your family.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro
1:35 can you get out?
1:57 how to get out
2:00 what family estrangement really means
3:27 why do we walk away?
4:53 stages of family estrangement
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#trauma #TOXICFAMILY
#tamarahilllpc #familyestrangement
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Mentioned In The Video:
1. Video 1 Can I live without my family ua-cam.com/users/liveCYa47IEw...
2. Video 2 leaving your family ua-cam.com/users/livezP8vf746...
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DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
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I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
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Having to make the decision to walk away is one of the most complicated decisions to make. Who wants to walk away from their "roots" and the very people you should be able to trust? Families like this can completely burn you out: ua-cam.com/users/live4mkw1hTYIIg?feature=share.
When I walked away from my Toxic dysfunctional family, I had no plan but when it became too much....I JUST DID! My mental and emotional health fell into realizing that Self Preservation is # 1. Im 53, left at 34 and WONT go back! Im wounded but not broken....Alive and making it!
That's good to know! I say God has been merciful to you. That's wonderful that you are feeling strong and continuing to stand on your decision. It's a sad reality but one that must be made when your mental and emotional health is at stake.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Without being mentallyYou're Nothing! I only regret not leaving sooner. But I'm content within my decision to leave.
Well said.
I left at 17, now 25. Best decision, EVER! I'll give my family credit; they let me walk. No one has reached out to try and gaslight me or anything
Wow they just never own up to their ish huh? This kind of alarmed me because I am NC with fam right now. I’ll be 34 in less than a week and have been NC with dad for two years and sibling over a year. I never intended to stop talking to them indefinitely just wanted them to own up to their mess and they are doing everything but that so I don’t deal with them. But you just gave me a glimpse into the future that they could just be stubborn forever. It is what it is. Just felt like wow for a second. Honestly I don’t really miss them though so that says alot.
Once you have the courage and walk away from toxic relationships, you realize truth to a new level, and suddenly all the “enablers” in society that made you stay in that toxicity or push you back towards that toxicity seem like nothing more than a “bad dream.”
The best advice my therapist gave me was “You can love someone (your sibling) but not have a relationship with her.”
Having been mistreated in so many disrespectful ways by "family", I have come to realize that (blood relation) does not make you family, and it doesn't feel bad to cut those toxic human begins from my life. You have to let them wallow in their own misery and the best way to make them upset; is to find true happiness.
or...find true purpose. I agree. Well said.
I made a conscious decision,to go no contact, from most of my disfunctional family members,about 5years ago! I must admit in the beginning, is wasn't easy, in the sense of not having them be apart of my life...but I promise you it gets better with time...no regrets!🥰
No contact almost 10 years and it's still hurts at times.
I just could not get anyone of them to give me common courtesy and respect at a basic level. They were so disrespectful and I had enough about a week ago.
I had to make a choice between staying with the family that I never felt safe and comfortable with, and nothing ever felt genuine. How is felt so depressed when I was around them and I picked up all the negativity, but I didn’t understand that it was toxic until recently and then I had to let go. It was either them and me staying with them or choosing myself it’s painful either way, but in the long run choosing myself is the only option I ever thought I had.
This is quite a comment but one that makes a lot of sense for a lot of people I'm sure. 😔 In the end, as you point out, you have to make the decision that is wise for you and your ultimate health. Having to choose what is right is a very difficult decision to make.
@@TherapistTamaraHill ty… I am 60 years old and I spent 55 of those years in a relationship with my family that did not feel comfortable to me. In fact, it was extremely painful. It didn’t feel authentic and not to get in specifics, but it was hurtful and unhealthy for me….. but at the same time these people I still loved and then I thought you know what I love myself more. I wanted to heal when I wanted something different. I didn’t want to stay stuck….. I appreciate your thoughts ❤️
I don’t feel like I matter to my family and it really has taken a toll on my health.
I completely understand this.
Went no contact 2 years ago this august! It’s still hard. I come from a family of narcissist, borderlines, sociopaths. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. Worked with multiple therapist until it became too expensive.
Still healing from my narcissist ex of five years and healing from leaving my family.
And yeah it’s not alot of content on family estrangement 2:27 , that is accurate or helpful. I moved from my hometown (Philadelphia) to Vegas, then Idaho, now in California. Just trying to get my mind right and figure out how to live in this new reality.
Wow. I did the same thing as far as moving around!! I moved from CA to Nevada. I kept moving until I found my place in the world. It's out there ❤
❤isolation is your best friend. Only child,but I have friends unlike my toxic mother ,aunts...At 50 i refuse to live whats left of my life around toxic miserable mean 80 y.o. ppl🙌🏾🙌🏾
Look at the bright side. Everybody else loves me. I'm 60, and I'm out. I was out before I realized what I needed. Thank you Tamara for your healing power. Finding out later in my lifetime makes cherish what's left. I've been through a lot, like a slave.
You're welcome! And thank you. I receive that compliment. 🙌
I hope and pray your fatigue and weariness will lead to wisdom and ultimate peace.
No doubt about it. I should change my name to symptoms Lol! Everything is going to be alright 👍
I estranged myself from my family almost 20 years ago. It was a tough decision but the right decision. Over the past few years, I allowed for some minimal contact with my family but I have reached the decision that it was a mistake. Over the years, I moved beyond the drama and deceitfulness but they hadn't.
Hello Tam Fam.
I gotta say, leaving my family was incredibly difficult. The guilt took a couple years. The grief I still haven't finished processing.
I'm sure Deb. It's very difficult -- especially when you love your family and hope things work out and they don't. The grieving part may never end. You just learn to live with it.
Just because they are related to you. Don't make them family.
If you got NPD narcissistic, sociopathic family, children or ex. Depending on your personality and mental strengths, Best thing is to go Hard Slam NO Contact. Make a new life and start life over.
I finally walked away from my siblings and my father. They are always pushing me down, looking down to me and even made me homeless my dad on my birthday this year and my younger sibling who was going to help me get out of homeless after one $1000 dollar check she wanted me to move on gaslighting me about everything including how I can find $400 apartments if I wanted to. I’m so sick of everyone, I’m moving out of the country
Just recently had to walk away. They started taking it out on my children. Enough is enough. I feel so lost and honestly borderline heartbroken. But I also know it’s the right choice. My children aren’t targets or toys for their manipulation tactics. I’m no longer a toy for their tactics.
I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you and now your children. Sometimes the best thing to do is to step back and re-assess and it appears that what you have done. That's wise for now. I hope things settle for you and your children.
I enjoy your videos. I am at the point of where I am completely no contact. The hostility from my mom & entitled sibling became too much. They tag team with the insults and bullying. They've done this for decades. The level of toxicity is too intense. I know I didn't cause this behavior. I noticed they both need constant attention and praise. They do not get attention much or praise. They chose to neglect their appearance and goals. I have been no contact for a year. I ignored the hoover and feel great because I am free of the cruel things they did and said.
Thank you.
I'm sorry. It sounds like the decision was a bit easy for you because of how much pressure they put upon you through their behaviors. In most cases, the family members engaging in these behaviors are completely oblivious to how they negatively impact others around them. You can explain it time and time again and still get nowhere. It's very exhausting and sometimes putting up that barrier or roadblock is the way to go, sadly.
Thank You for the timely videos you prepare for us about these kinds of families. The damaged people seem to work overtime at killing any ounce of self esteem. Instead this person chose to reward the spoiled entitled child and the entire family follows this mother's twisted & demented lead. Thank You because we all need the important information your videos provide.
❤🤗 You're welcome. And thank you. I truly wish this information was available to me growing up in a complicated dynamic and also as a young adult going through my schooling.
You may find my upcoming live chat this Friday on family roles helpful as well. Sounds like the family following your mother sees her as the "rescuer" or "hero." I will touch on triangulation as well.
I am sorry you had to go through that. ❤ I will be tuned in Friday. Thanks again😁
Thank you🤗 And you're welcome.
Thanks Tamara u are the only one finally brining this situation to light🌞 In my case, my family is not verbally or physically abusive, its just a hurtful emotionally absent & Mom & family who were truly never there for me. I had to learn & do everything myself as I was gaslighted & pushed away when I had "problems & strong emotions". Its about them, their kids get all the emotional, physical & financial support. I moved out of state 15 yrs ago & no one visits, lazy texting & short phone convos. Very hurtful. I get very angry & want nothing to do w them. On the outside, they are very open, caring & living yet something is missing. I cant go to them w major life issues w support. They dont show up or help me financially. So...GOOD BYE!! Not going to any of their funerals also. Sad but Its a hope/heartbreak cycle every time I attempt to reconnect.
You're welcome! And thank you. I feel just like you when it comes to this topic. I can hardly find research studies on this topic. We certainly need more in this realm.
And I don't blame you for feeling like you do. It's hurtful when the people "close" to you misunderstand or minimize you in all of their thoughts and behaviors. You have to make the wise final choice and it seems you have.
I am sorry you have dealt with this. I have dealt with the exact same from my family its very disappointing and hurtful. I am in the process of walking away.
Wow yesterday I made a list of the stages of grief and what i felt in Each stage. You hit the nail on the head. I am estranged with no contact 2 years now only barely talk to 3 family members total. Estrangment is hard and i recently have finally co.e out of the depressed stage into acceptance. I still have sad days but I recover quickly because I know my why for leaving and that was for peace, stability, and autonomy. I choose to move to a completely new state that I had always wanted to live where I knew absolutely nobody at all. Its been a blessing, hard but I do not regret it at all. I now have yhe peace, autonomy and stabilty I needed and I am working on greater goals. ❤
That's good to do too. Making a list of the stages of grief and loss (Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance) can help you process the significant flucuations in your life. The stages of family estrangement may also entail the stages of grief and loss, especially in stage 3 and 4.
I don't blame you for moving. Sometimes that fresh start where you know no-one is indeed all you need to move forward. May God continue to guide you.
ABSOLUTELY!!! Walk Away Fast! This is good teaching! ❤
Exactly!! Thank you.
Left for college same year I graduated high school when my financial aid told me I'd have to move across the country for it to be close to free as possible with all my scholarships I didn't even hesitate leaving behind my toxic family was truly happy for the first in ages only reason I had to comeback was cause of covid when colleges shutdown and they held it over my head the entire time when we all thought covid was going to be a 2week thing then to a month then 3 months constantly telling me to stay but also more or less saying that I am a burden on them also it wasn't a year until my campus finally opened but by then I had already moved out after 4 to 5 months into covid which a process in itself they kept trying to keep me from leaving and I would fall for it just to for them to tell me I need to find another place to leave until this went on as my funds got lower and more hurdles got in my way until I Finally rolled the dice and went for it realizing I'd rather be homeless for a month or sleep in a tent in a friend's backyard than live here anymore and when I did I never asked any help of any kind nor did they ever offer doing it all on my own I realized I am much happier on my own and from that period until I officially cut off ties with them I only conversed with them to pay bills or pick up mail on a few occasions the final nail in the coffin was when my grandmother passed away her being the only person I truly cared for other than my father which is another can of worms but since then the amount of peace I've had from that decision it sucks at times accepting I have no family other than close friends who I've known my entire life but when I get the updates about my family from my cousins or someone who I am still cool with it just reinforces my decision the irony in it all is after treating me like garbage for years the endless amount of little suble things they would do not including the blatant obvious things they would do they have the audacity wonder why I am the way I am how cut off contact with them
Long Story Short if you have a Toxic family my advice as a stranger on the internet is to roll the dice and move on leave them behind start to really reflect on the history of your family and realize your family was broken long before you came around I'll give an example in my family I am the oldest and only male of my cousins so my aunts and uncles including my dad the generation before me every one of them as soon as they hit 18 all left for extended periods keep in mind the range of ages from my uncles/aunts goes as old as 50 to as young as 27 so when I the next person in my family to turn 18 and leave ASAP once I realized that I wasn't surprised nor did I feel any type of guilt for leaving for college far away from my family it all made sense.
Walking away to get something isn't always bad. I was a disabled dependent and my parents were sabotaging my access to Healthcare to keep me dependent and under their control. I left after they killed my dog in a rage fit and now basically extort them for money to live on while I'm getting myself to where I can support myself. I had to look up videos from Sam Vaknin on how to manipulate narcissists and psychopaths in order to get through this.
Oh my heart goes out to you. I am sooo sorry about your dog. Please stay safe & strong❤
@sm8155 I'm sorry to hear this. This is traumatic indeed.
I remember my Jr year of HS i gad the best game of my life. After breaking the school scoring record with a GW 3, I wanted nothing more than a m0m to hug...... she didnt show up
I watched this video a month ago and it resonated with me. Today is a Wednesday and I'm watching it again, because Friday I'm driving 5 hours to attend, on Saturday, the big Dog and Pony Show of my mother's birthday party. I decided that rather than totally freeze my siblings out of my life now and forever more (which is what I needed to do a year ago) I am not going to let them keep me away from family things I ought to do-- and this will potentially be my mother's last birthday-- she is in failing health and 95. It will mean a lot to her to see all of her kids in the same place again. I feel like puking, just thinking about it. And then I tell myself "It's a 5 hour trip to see my daughter and grandkids, and I will have to spend a couple of hours at an 'open house' at mother's nursing home. Hopefully there will be enough people that are not related to me that I don't have to try to speak to Them That Done Me Wrong. SInce it is an "open house" rather than a dinner, if I tap out after 15 minutes.. I tap out. I will not be obligated to sit acress the huge meeting room holding everyone's babies so they can eat their meal childfree-- that was my last Thanksgiving up there. No one talked to me except to pass their babies to me.. and by the time they were done with dessert. the meal was over. Nothing left for me to even eat. My siblings are all still married, going on to 40-50 year anniversaries.. and I have been widowed twice and am alone now. I am invisible in my own family. I just need to keep the self-talk up.. that there's nothing anyone can do to me that will hurt worse than a year ago. oh gawd I am dreading this.
Today I was sitting on a bench outside McDonalds, waiting for my beau to finish checking out. An autistic woman, I'd guess in her mid-40s, had a big staff like cane/walking stick she was holding in front of her as she walked, not like she was supporting herself on it, but kind of like she was Moses leading her people home, only her posture was nearly bent in half so her eyes were parellel with the floor and as she shuffled to the back booth she said "I can do it I can do it I can do it" over and over. I think I will try to adopt her attitude. I can do it!
I needed to do it for myself
No bargain with these psychopaths. They are threatening with 'missing person's report'.
I am an old woman now. I was always the odd one out..My 2 older sisters are very close in age so Mom waited a long time to have me bc Dad wanted a son. And then I wasn't a boy, so she waited 3 more years and behold! a son! I was kind of lost in the shuffle. There were The Big Girls as a unit.. then me.. then The Golden Son! I had a hugely traumatic, unmentionable, event my Sophomore year in college, which was compounded the next year by stalking. Then one day the best looking man I'd ever seen walked into my lab and.. it was the blind date someone had set for me. He was amazing. I dropped out of college and married him, escaped my stalker by moving to a different city. We found out we could transfer husband's job to a small town and buy the farm we'd already decided we would retire to right now, so we did that. Dropping out of college was unacceptable, and moving much further from home to a rural community with no job opportunities for me was unacceptable. It was tough financially, but we made it work bc I kept a big garden, canned and ffroze everything I grew, and kept chickens for eggs and raised hogs for the freezer each year. We lived in a 3 room shack for several years, saving money to build a house on this farm. We heated with wood he cut from our farm. Sometimes I was stuck at home without a vehicle, way out in the country with my eventual 3 babies, alone with them, bc we only had one vehicle running and he had to go to work for 3-4 days. My family thought I'd lost my mind. When we built our house, they eased off a little, but then my siblings children had invented kind of mean nicknames for us.. not the sort of things kids their age would've come up with on their own, so I knew this is what my family called us when we weren't around. I lived my best life and never regretted any of it. Husband died with cancer when I was in my early 40s. It was like him having cancer confirmed my bad choice to not finish college 25 years earlier. Then I snagged a great 2nd husband. He was almost 30 years older and I helped him age disgracefully. Both our families flipped. He had been a very big shot in a very huge company in NYC and lived all over the globe while he worked. He was retired and living on an island when we met, but he moved to my goat farm to help me farm. We had 10 glorious years before he too died with cancer 10 years ago. Last summer my very old mother had to go into memory care, and my siblings and I packed up her 'stuff' together. It took a week. As I was leaving town I texted my brother's wife about a small issue and it was like pulling a thread in a sweater. She told me an obvious lie about my oldest sister, so I called that sister, who told me an obvious lie about the SIL. So I texted her back to see what the deal was. And that's when the shit hit the fan. She started it with "well actually, no one wants you in the family bc you live so far away and don't come to all the family events and you're so odd." It went on and on and on bc I was driving and not reading and responding to her texts as fast as she was sending them. I stopped to read every 15-20 minutes. SIL filled pages of hate packed text. Named my siblings and told me what each of them thought. I confronted, in phone call, my oldest sister, and instead of saying 'she's crazy', she said "she shouldn't have told you bout that". At that moment I knew I was done with all of them. What could we ever talk about after I knew all this? The Weather? I blocked everyone. I deleted contacts, too. I call the nursing home to talk to mom, who I assume doesn't know anything about any of this. She is very foggy in her dementia and nearly 100. I know I will have to see them all at her funeral. I can't imagine that. Right now I'm starting to panic, just writing this down. My lifetime best friend said she would go to the funeral with me..which would certainly be better than going alone. I'm also considering not going to the funeral. Mom won't know any different, and my siblings can tell people whatever they want. I tried a random local therapist for a few sessions, but when she told me that the racism in our country is because of Obama, and only trump can save us, I bailed out of that. I am so glad I found this video, and your other videos. I will study them, and hopefully mom will last long enough for me to figure it out.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Reading about your story really resonated with me and it almost felt like I was reading about myself. It's truly heartbreaking what so many people have to go through because of the high level of toxicity of the families they were born into. My heart and prayers go out to you and everyone else going through this.
I wouldn't go luv. They will only upset you. Your mum won't bother as she's off to a better place and to be honest you will see her when you go. X
I was the glue that held the family together, being the youngest of us 4 siblings spread all across the US. Mom was still alive then - they were all more than happy to pretend that they were too far away. I was the only one to show any real concern for her. I finally tired of not having any financial contribution from them. At the time I made that No Contact decision I was OD-ing on SUGAR & wine. I was pre-diabetic and my blood pressure was rising. I realized that I needed to pay attention to my weakening health concerns. New Year was arriving soon; I decided enough was enough. At that time I did not realize that my brother and one sister were Narcissists. How old was I? OLD, yet the youngest of everyone.
Shortly there after it was suddenly obvious to me that they had SCAPEGOATED me. I did not know what scapegoating was! I think it was then that, already trying to figure out my dysfunctional family, I took a very deep dive and slowly all the 100s of pieces began to take form. I Googled many unfamiliar terms for further research. Going NO CONTACT is vitally important, yet admittedly easier when there was mostly phone contact, not living nearby. Going no contact only allows breathing space to focus on one's own health, etc. There is still TONS of emotional work to explore - hopefu;;y with a TRAUMA Therapist. What can I say...life is not always fair. Stay Strong, people - or GET STRONG. We only have one life. Take care of yourselves, please.
I walked away in my early 20s im now 38 and i remember not having any support except for 2 friends. And not actually having any resources. But I knew it had to be done. I find that in relation to contact. The no contact - is in my opinion the best route. The bread crumb conversations - in my opinion, was not worth it. Ive just blocked everyone.
Barely missed it live but this is so insightful! ❤
Thank you! Very glad this helpful.
Tamara, heals!
Thank you!
You're so welcome!
Your information is very precious! Thank you!
You are so welcome! And thank you! Glad to hear that.
After the two older sibs had raped me for years and the other beat me and was verbally cruel, and my parents were still wanting me to "play" happy family and expected me to be present at family functions. It became such an anxiety that caused me to throw up stomach acid the day before that one day my husband said "when you're having uncontrollable stress that's resulting in involuntarily throwing up in addition to other involuntarily negative reactions, something has to change." Knowing that I can only change ME, I knew that I needed to stop doing what I was doing - things where their children were going to be present, that my "parents" expected me to attend, etc. I made the decision that for the sake of my physical and mental health....I had to walk away from my entire bio family. It still stings and I have times that I feel SO alone and abandoned by what I was taught to believe were to protect me. It’s not fun or easy. But to not feel like I'm to fulfill my "parents" desire - "Why can't you just get along?" is true freedom. At this point, I have no expectation or even hope that they will be able to see the damage done to me as a child, by THEIR son's - on their watch. They didn't protect me from their own children. It's not an easy choice as we ALL want the love and support from our parents. But I've FINALLY stopped going to an empty well and expecting to draw water. They won't/can't change; but I get to be an adult and choose my health over their "disappointment" that I refuse to entertain the presence of a child rapist and a pedophile. I don't do that in MY life. So just because they do doesn't change my position" I will continue to NEVER entertain the company of either of those types of people. It still hurts that they have chosen "evil" over me who was the victim of their son's. I just have to feel the feelings and let it go. I have no control over their choices, but I feel empowered to be making healthy decisions for me.
Thank you for this so hard to get info on the topic
You are welcome! Thank you for watching!
This is truly a hard topic to find online, especially on UA-cam.
Thank you for this video, its really helpful for me .Thank you
You are most welcome!! And thank you for watching.
💔 I pray for all on this channel… at this point I feel it’s too late . They ruined me literally.. why Jesus why ??! Why the suffering for the riteous it’s just makes no since .
This is really helpfull ❤
I'm so glad!☺ Thank you! Glad this was helpful to you.
I've been estranged from my family for nearly 8 years. I'm the product of a neglectful family who never cared or showed any love to me.
Recently, I've come across a great amount of wealth and I have this urge to send my neglectful m0m (who never cared about me) for capital to help with retirement. I'm 35, my m0m is 70.
What would YOU (Tam) do in this situation? Send funds or just stay separated and continue to have your peace?
Continue with your peace. Invest that money, or live to regret it. #MyExperience
Thanks Tamara for the video!
How does one overcome guilt when it comes to family estrangement. I seem to try to justify that my situation by saying that it's not as bad as what some other folks experienced however everytime i think about family or have to visit I end up with a stomach upsetness or migraine.
You're welcome Penny! 🤗 Thank you for always watching and commenting.
This is a lifelong process I think. I have clients who left their family over 15 years ago and still struggle with guilt. Some of this is because it feels like an unnatural process and there's always the task of second guessing yourself and wondering. Peace of mind is possible when you reconstruct your beliefs and seek a "new" meaning and definition of the things we're so used to. My view isn't the answer, but it might give you some direction.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you Tamara. I really appreciate you taking the time to write a reply.
@2:49 Nope your good-intellectualize is a word, thanks for this video!
You're welcome!
The difficulty is being estranged parents who were estranged from their family so I don’t know them. Moreover, good chance may not be able to have my own family. You leave but toward what?
❤