7 SIGNS YOUR PARENTS DON'T CARE| Adults of Emotionally Detached Parents |Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубліковано 6 сер 2024
- #trauma #emotionallydetached #tamarahilllpc
*DISCLAIMER
This video is strictly about unhealthy, abusive, and dysfunctional parents. This DOES NOT include loving parents with good intentions.
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Emotionally detached parents are unhealthy versions of adults. They lack the maturity needed to be a healthy parent. For many years these parents neglect their children - emotionally and psychologically - and cannot be the parents they need to be.
Although you may have felt loved and cared for at times, that doesn't mean your parent was psychologically and emotionally involved in your life.
For those of you who feel that your parent was completely absent it is possible that they were emotionally and psychologically immature to a point of displaying behaviors consistent with a child. Perhaps you would consider your parents "friends" or "besties" and not loving and caring parents.
However you describe your parent this video attempts to highlight signs your parent wasn't (or isn't) available to you.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
intro 0:00
EMOTIONALLY DETACHED PARENTS 3:25
INFLEXIBLE 3:41
LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE 5:27
EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY & LABILITY 6:47
UNSTABLE & STORMY RELATIONSHIPS 8:21
ATTENTION SEEKING 9:43
EMOTIONAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL ABSENCE 11:04
REFUSAL TO SEE REALITY 12:40
12 ways to cope with emotionally detached parents: • 12 WAYS TO COPE - Emot...
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FURTHER RESEARCH/READING ON THIS TOPIC:
* Research on emotional availability www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
*Parent not ready for psychotherapy • "Why Won't Therapy Wor... (excuse camera issues)
*Unavailable parents psychcentral.com/blog/caregiv....
*Healing steverosephd.com/how-to-heal-...
*Intermittent Explosive Disorder: my.clevelandclinic.org/health...
-------------Contact me------
(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness.
I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
Mail me stuff!
PO BOX 15747
Robinson Township, PA 15244
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA:
*Twitter - / therapisttee
*Instagram / ttoyhill
*Website - www.anchoredinknowledge.com
*Blog - blogs.psychcentral.com/caregi...
______________________________________
Copyright © All rights reserved.
Permission must be given before videos are used
PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED
Could you possibly have a parent like this? If so, what was the hardest part for you?
DISCLAIMER:This video excludes well-intentioned and loving parents. This video focuses on a specialized and small group of parents.
😊💖 Thank you so much!! Appreciate that.
And sorry to hear this. My mom went through it for years and one day....they both changed toward each other. The parent-child dynamic changed for good. Perhaps there is hope and I will discuss this too in a future video.
When a parent is like this,why do they treat other people better than some of their children?Thank you.
My foster mother, until I turned 5 years old, was so toxic that one of her nicknames is a racial slur. What I personally disliked about dealing with this woman was her lies. But it's really my distrust of her around anybody's children. She was secretly mean. Now, I see her as if she must believe she's just entitled to be honored because she's elderly. She is what she is though. So, I try to stay my distance or hold my tongue.
Thanks for shedding light on this topic. I believe if I would have had a stronger understanding, years ago, I probably could have saved some of my emotional energy of waiting for she and I to have a heart to heart conversation.
The hardest part is continuing to go back to my mother thinking she would change. Thinking she would care about me in difficult situations. But I get nothing in return and it makes me feel horrible. Like none of my accomplishment matters. Now in my mid 30s I just stay away. For my and my families sake.
@@Geeya6 They treat EVERYONE better than their children. We are their emotional punching bags!
My parents were abused as kids. They really don't know how to be parents.
That's so sad. But you make a good point. Most parents who were abused don't have a clue. Thankfully, there are some who do.
Mine, too.
Both of my parents check all the boxes of not caring, but people think they are so charming, thoughtful, spiritual, and kind☺️
I think those kind of parents are the worst sometimes because they cloak the problem with social power and social astuteness. Very deceiving.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yep. It’s challenging to navigate 🫤
Same, the worst parents are the abusive religious ones, I am Christian but religion is one of the biggest family breakers, if somebody claims to believe in God they can even get by with violence and they tend to victim blame
Air hugs. It’s not right
Yes. I have a mother like that. She’s distant and emotionally neglectful and then when I got older they want your help. The relationship is strained, distant, and superficial. Just a really superficial relationship that I don’t want. I am going to go no contact with that woman.
The hardest part for me was when I attempted suicide (I was 33 at the time) waking up in the hospital after 2 days of unconsciousness and learning no one had come to be there with me. Years later I learned that my mom had told people I had said i didnt want anyone to come. 🙄 a little hard to do since I was unconscious 😒
I'm so sorry. This is tragic. You would think some family members would question that and come anyway.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I think they were trying to respect my boundaries so I dont hold ill feelings towards them at all.
That’s just heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
it seems to me that narc mothers are an epidemic. you're not alone! I broke my arm (upper - no cast just a sling) almost a decade ago and not only was my mother unhelpful, when I asked for help in my garden a few weeks in, she bent down and picked up a stick just as I was stepping over it and tripped me. I landed on my broken arm and broke a couple of ribs! I don't think she did it consciously on purpose, but I honest to god think she did it unconsciously on purpose. she's basically like a demon wearing a "sweet old lady" disguise.
@@sheilajac Mine is the same :(
This video is everything! It helped me understand my parents. My parents never call me, even when I’m sick or something devastating happens in my life. They just never consoled me with their arms or their words. I don’t feel close to them and now I find myself so distant my mom was hospitalized and I didn’t care to go see her
Hope you are at peace with tht decision. Power to you sus
I didn't go visit mine either. When Mother's Day came during a silent treatment phase, my dad told me to call her and wish her a happy day. Screaming rage!!!! There were several hospital workers bringing her food and they heard the whole thing. They can't stop their rage even is others are around. Truly sick.
With much love care respect to ya, jesus christ referenced living waters 💎👨✈️👩✈️science described water memory 🌊🎭💎Tesla referenced human energy 👻🌬psalms16:24kj psalms 33:6 proverbs27:19 Corinthians 2,3:6 existence psychologically spiritually importance is of Jesus christ home of the warriors survivors the brave in Jesus name amen 💎🗽🤍👨✈️💖👻💎👩✈️💖👻💎🛶🌬🌪🎭🌪
Girl I’m glad you chose your peace….. I’m in the same boat!
They don’t even notice when I leave the country/hospitalized for extended periods. Unless they have some perceived ‘wrong’ they want to pin on me, then they hunt me down relentlessly even though I haven’t been there to do what they want to blame me for. I won’t be sad when they are gone & I’m not a mean person. We can only take so much. They have emotionally destroyed my siblings & me. So glad to learn about it so I can heal, but they have to be left behind. No salvage. 🙌
My parents do this .my parents just accuse me for everything and they don’t attend none of my games,don’t celebrate my birthday, don’t even talk to me .when I speak to them I’m annoying .I’m so tired and exhausted from trying to please them to the point where I gave up
So sorry this is happening to you. You deserve to be treasured. Do not let how they treated you make you angry at others. Be careful though about getting involved fast. Really get to know people before giving your heart.
Thank you. You've perfectly described my parents. What angers me the most is that they think they own you like a pet and they don't get that you don't want to play they sick game any more.
this was my mom...it took me 57 years to get free...but sadly i will never be 100% free of the trauma ...i will try everyday ...
I'm sorry Kelly. That's tough for sure.
Coming up on Wednesday I will be discussing ways to heal and move forward.
I hope we all give each other hope here that this is survivable by knowing we're not alone in this & it wasn't our fault like we're made to believe.
its never too late
I’m 56 and it has been an uphill battle with my mother. I rearranged my entire life to move across the country to be family to her. It did not change a thing with her, she got worse. I have moved on, am in therapy, and trying to restructure how I think and function because the damage is done.
@kimjohnson0368 I'm sorry 😞 But thankfully you are trying to move forward with what you've got including, hopefully, your dignity too.
My mother had genetic depression her whole life and my father was just plain emotionally absent and didn't encourage me to do much of anything or give me life advice on much of anything.
I feel u.❤
This is so accurate. It felt like I was emotionally and physically discarded once I was 20 and she no longer had any control over my life… I barely hear from my own mother if I don’t go out of my way to text her…. Even when we hang out, it’s awkward. It’s made me search for love in all the wrong places growing up and I hate it :(
my exact situation. i'm 28 now but i was 14 letting men i'm ashamed to say the ages of be with me. who i wasn't even attracted to. just to feel wanted. still struggle with similar habits actually
both of my parents are toxic and emotionally unavailable, I feel like I've got the worst parents and Im feeling so alone in this, if you're dealing with a similar problem please don't hesitate to share your story, it wud help me alot🙏
Hi u r Def not alone. So sad to hear. If u can go gray rock if dnt knw wht tht is look it up. Or even better go no contact. Those both have helped . I feel like I can breath n not walkn on egg shells. Talkn with a friend or anyone who will válidate u is great. Best of luck.
You are not alone. My parents are the same. They have always been detached and abusive. I can feel the emptiness when I am around them.
Thank you for this video! My mother trained me to be her personal therapist since I was a child but dealing with my issues was always too much for her. She never taught me important things mothers should teach their daughters.
Its getting worse as shes getting older. Shes in her 70s and just rambles on without really caring whats going on in my life. She'll also humble brag about how others think shes a great mother lol. She'll ask me advice about men. Its odd. She shouldve considered putting her kids up for adoption.
In her excellent book "Toxic Parents" Dr. Susan Forward defines what she defines as The Inadequate Parent-"Constantly focusing on their own problems, they try to turn their children into mini-adults who take care of them."
And far to often as they being our supposed victim they live too mother FLIPPING long! Mine is 85 & to healthy!
The hardest part is being a mom and not having the resources to provide my child the love and belonging that comes with family. Its absolutely gutting. The loneliness, lack of support, emptinese is twice as heavy now.
The depressions, anxiety, ptsd ect as a result these parents is consuming. It pulls you into darkness. The overbearing guilt, worry, and self-loathing it creates as a mother in addition to family's refusal to help is enough to push you over the edge.
Wow I’m literally going through this in this very moment
🫂
Oh my god, you basically described my parents. 1st was my dad, angry, resentful, jealous and emotionally immature. 2nd was my mum, she's always there if things are going well and if you're putting a positive spin on things, but she immediately distances herself whenever things get tough. My best friend died during the pandemic and when I called my mum, in tears, emotionally distraught and needing comfort, I was basically told to have a drink and to move on. Like I'd only found out that day and was expected to get over it.
Are we living the same life?Because the exact same thing happened to me and my mothers reaction was exactly the same.Unbelievable.
You described my mom and dad. Horrible MONSTERS. Thank God I was scapegoated and got therapy. Mom's a self righteous, sadistic phony, and dads so obnoxious loud and full of himself. Rotten to the core.
I'm sorry. This is difficult.
I made the mistake of calling my narc father for Thanksgiving, he didn't call me at all. He's pathetic, giving me excuses. I don't exist to him. He's horribly negligent!
He did say "thank you and I appreciate what you said" and then gave me excuses for not picking up the phone. I have no patience for/with him.
No more being the "good, dutiful daughter" It caused me pain: Dad punishes me for being nice by the silent treatment, ignoring my existence. He needs to grow up and shut the hell up. I didn't ask for his opinion in the first place!
This is my whole family plus they gaslight me to death. Destroyed almost every happy aspect and milestone in my life. Never visit, hardly ask, always talk about others.
This video describes my father perfectly. And it’s exactly why I want to be married to a gentleman who’s nothing like him. Thanks for another informative video Sis.
Absolutely! You're welcome. And what a blessing to have someone like this.
it 98% describes my mother. my mother has damaged me so badly but trying to climb out it.
I'm so sorry @richmproject. 😞 Thankfully there is hope.
Be vigilant bc the tendency is to couple with someone just like him without even realizing it until it's too late like I had several times. Often this goes back generations too so the cycle continues from learned behavior. With these videos & other research, I am hoping I know next time once & for all how to avoid this.
i wish for this
My 64 yr old mom is trying to force either myself or my younger sister to take care of my mentally ill older brother and his appointments , money, housing etc. that’s her adult child not mine!
and then once they get that age they can fall on that as to why they aren't doing this or that. or how they don't have the energy to discuss this or that 😒. ok old lady
Most parents learn parenting from their parents. Until parenting skills are taught in secondary schools, things will not change.
But that isn’t a secodary school’s job because everyone perception of what makes someone a good or bad parent differs. Also, parenting differs by culture as well.
Exactly like mine - parents who should never have kids coz they can't love them, to them kids are objects at their disposal
Nor should my Sadistically CATHOLIC mother be CALLED A
CHRISTIAN!
They are convinced they deserve to have it ALWAYS easy, comfortable and better than all the others have. Raising a child contradicts all of those immature acquirements... Thank You!!:))!!
Tamara, this is one of the best videos I have ever seen regarding explaining my parents ideally. It has been a long, traumatic, sociopathic, narcissistic abusive journey all my life and watching your videos/finding your channel has truly helped me heal, understand and process our relationship even now into adulthood. Thank you ❤️
Thank YOU Alloysa!💖 Very glad these videos have been helpful to you. It's a long road...I know. But you're doing it! That's it takes.
At 18, when I was away on holiday, my Mother sold my childhood home without telling me. I came back to the sold sign and the excuse that 'she had no choice.' She had sold the house to move in with the man she'd had the latest affair with. Never an apology.
I'm.sorry.😔
shes evil
When does a parent ever owe their child an excuse for selling what they worked for. I'm not saying she was right for her boyfriend thing and it maybe wasnt wise but it's none of your business. What she does with her home she worked for that.
Thank you many have been emotionally neglected
You're welcome! And I'm sorry to hear this. No child deserves a parent like this.
My dad never attended my graduation and preferred to work. He never helped us go through group therapy when my mom had schizophrenia.
That's terrible Lyn. It sounds like he may have been using a form of denial and avoidance. It only added to the problem.
@@TherapistTamaraHill You're right. Thank you for doing this YT video and I really hope you'll reach more audiences who need help or support your cause. Cheers!
💖
I have a father that lives with his son ever time I bring up living with them or making arrangements he makes excuses saying my high functioning alcoholic aunt can take care of me .my mother has a medical condition and therefore cannot take care of me, I’m lucky enough to have my grandma and well financially while she is looking out
My mother had schizophrenia too and we were expected to just deal with it, it was terrifying as a kid, and I was the youngest and her target. My father justified working around the clock so we were left to babysit her, talk about unreasonable! Lol
This is the only video that has precisely elaborated the truth - literally every word. Im 30 now….how can I help myself be a better parent than what I’ve experienced?
Thank you! I'm so glad this was helpful to you.
I would get into your own therapy, maybe once a month, and talk about your parent(s) and then explain your fears and concerns to your therapist. Help him or her see that you want to ensure you don't become this way. OR you can continue down your current path but always self-reflecting in some form to question why you are doing things the way you are with your own child. This may be helpful to consider.
If I’d cry in my room as a child, I was asked if I was hungry? I’ve always been dangerously over weight and when I go there now at 52 yo I get asked if I need money ??!
No idea what I do, no idea what I study been to my house, once.
She claims ‘I love you’ yeah NO thanks.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is very painful and can be traumatizing for some kids. Maybe she does "love you" but in a very sick and confusing way. There are some parents who claim "love" for their child but simply do not know how to show it. Its as if the parent doesn't know how to show love and affection or hasn't learned the proper way to parent. It's traumatizing for kids under this.
It was handed down from my mother's mother. It was handed down from her husband's family. It wasn't handed down from my father's family, I felt their love.
Yes. This is truly my mom. I have been battling this sickness since June. My mom supposedly came up here to help me in June. But instead she was argumentative. She would say well I'm sick too, and just was really no help at home. She rushed to get back home in July because she supposedly needed to get back to work. Less then a weak later she called me telling me to come pick her back up. Because she wasn't going back to work. Because some of her residents in the nursing home caught covid. I told her no. I live almost two hours away from her. Plus I had to get somethings taken care of. So, I was not about to get back on that highway to go get her. Smh.
I understand! You have to take care of yourself and make sure that you are not running yourself down because of their selfish behaviors. You're setting a boundary.
Omg, sounds just like mine. Always head games just to get their way or get declined, only to have a tantrum.
I think that if you Don t want the responsibility of raising a child you should t have one! You are not buying a car but having a human being that deserves care and respect!! I just Don t understand why having a child if you don't want one!! 🌼
Some of us are 'accidents' and narc mom goes into great length about the morning sicknes, pain etc involved. I really had no desire to have children in my 20's from hearing this. Would love a child now; but that part has stopped functioning.
@@amandatarkington6877 I m sorry to hear that it s incredible how they manage to ruin other people's life!! I hope you had other beatiful things in your life!!!!!
@@amandatarkington6877 And other narc moms lie that you were "planned" bc they still worry 'what others would say' abt them UMPTEEN years later & in THIS day & age when no one would CARE, Lol.
Yes my mom have always been emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive towards me. I found out recently that her mom didn't have a healthy relationship with her children, and they endured things that they shouldn't have endured. But she need and needed to seek healing so she can overcome it. Her mindset and her sisters mindset for the most part is very toxic. Yeah. You just don't realize that it was an issue because you grew up around it, and it wasn't really physical abuse. So, you saw them as a good parent. Because they tend to buy you things and keep a roof over your head. Blessings to you all in Jesus name. I pray that you overcome any struggles are circumstances that you may have endured it that your enduring now in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen. God love and cares for you and so do I.
So true, the emotional scars are just as bad as physical.
This was incredibly validating. Thank you for making such a confusing situation easier. It means so much
You are so welcome!! Very glad this was helpful. And thank you!
Great description of sad reality of having parents like this...thank you, it helps to remind yourself and not to be too hard on yourself.
Detach parents can create detach partners this is why I attract avoidant men
Very true. Yes. Avoidant personality disorder is often a diagnosis I see and research has studied.
@@TherapistTamaraHill is there away I can email you?
@@janayewill3883 yes. Feel free to email contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. I try my best to get to everyone. But I do get a Ton of emails a day.
Generally I have learned that sometimes the Lord will allow you to cross paths with someone and sometimes it's just an opportunity to minister to them about Him, and give that guy a message/word that the Lord intended them to hear. Then release them altogether. Even when you are healing certain people maybe drawn to you. But it's not because you yourself is always broken. A lot of times it could mean that you are an Empath and you need to use that gift to minister to the lost and hurting. I had to find that out for myself recently in this season. Many blessings to you and yours in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen. God love and cares for you and so do I.
They not only ruin their children’s childhood, ruin their children’s adolescence but also destroy their children’s remaining life
Children can’t raise children. They emphasized providing me with basic necessities for sure. Never did they say they love me nor apologize when in the wrong. Indeed they do explode on me without hints. But I intuitively saw it coming. And they’ll continue to get worse. I’ll call them brats from now on lol
I like that "children can't raise children." Well said. I'm sorry you had to experience this.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes, my father just called me worthless for not emptying deh trash. I took one out n failed to take the other out. As you can see, I’ll have to pray to God for consolidation for emotional damage from my ever growing cruel father. I don’t think I’ve done such a terrible mistake but he spares no brutality haha.
This is another very informative video. This is a Grand Slam for sure. I can Identify with many of these dynamics as an adult who was raised by a Vulnerable Narcissist Biological mother. I think she had intermittent Explosive Identity Disorder too.
Wow what a roller coaster experience that was "living" under a Female BPD/NPD with IED.
Thank you Bill!! Glad this was helpful.
I'm glad ypu brought up.tye term "vulnerable narcissistic mother." That viseo is coming next week.
Not only parents, but so many other family members like these people you describe. Thank you, once again.
What a blessing you are. Please keep teaching! You've described my mother exactly. She had a rough childhood lots of neglect and abuse. She came along in the 40's raised by a mother who was born in the early 1900's in the terrorizing Jim Crow south. , not to mention the extreme poverty and lack of agency. My mother never met her father he was murdered while my grandmother was pregnant with my mother. Her stepfather was abusive towards my grandmother his background similar to my grandmother's. They both came north to escape discrimination and all of the awfulness that came along with it. While I somewhat understand being a black women who was faced with a slightly different American experience, it still hurts and causes all of the psychological woes and emotional pain which thwarts personal progress. I'm still learning and working on healing ,was suicidal at a time. The idea of dying was my way of relieving the pain. Of course there is so much more to this story. Awareness and understanding helps so much so again ThankYou!!!!!!
I'm eating your psychotherapy course up, and as it's so unfortunate that I get every word you say as both my parents are so detached and probably psychopaths. But you can't imagine how great it is to finally realize I'm not crazy!
I've known every thing you’re saying on my own, by analysis and observation. I wish one day a could totally recover and thank you for giving me information and hope.
That's great to know!! So glad this is helpful to you. And it looks like you are on the right path to heal.
This is very interesting because being part of a family in which the women run and rule everything ( most often inappropriately too ) I was often pressured to in confusing ways to "obey" and respect these pseudo parents ( mothers ) and if anything was truly BAD, instead of my mother checking those broads where I could actually see that she truly DID care and have my bad, I was told to pray on it and leave it in god's hands. God laughed. These wicked family members laughed. Nothing changed until I walked away from these evil people. On my mother's death bed, she loved her wicked assed family. SMDH!
I'm sorry to hear this. Very unhealthy. I'm glad you walked away. Evil family members are simply unhealthy.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you. I've noticed that the very same elders whom complained or protested the madness were the very same ones who didn't openly condone the sicko behavior and coddled the Queen B of all of the crap that she herself helped created and nurtured it ALL. Some of her daughters and grand children are carbon copies.
Sad reality. Thank you for tackling this topic🙏🏼
Yes, you're welcome. Very tough subject.
OMG!!! Although I am 5 months late already to join and react on the topic… something lit up and made sense. My wife is like this for 18 years now. When my children were little, it didn’t occur to me that there’s a problem. When we migrated here in Canada, and the children were bigger, things began unfolding. The children constantly ask me why their mom seem to be not present in many occasions eventhough she’s there physically. I tried talking to her about it but more and more she distance herself. Tamara, what do I do as a husband? It seemed that she is in denial that she is emotionally detach to our children.
As the child of a narcissistic mother, I can say I wish my dad had divorced my mom. I'm 51-years-old, and my dad just died last month (January 2024). My mother refused to let me talk to him the night before he died. She also refused to let me talk to him at Christmas. She's isolated him (and me) from his siblings by badmouthing them, and accusing them of doing bad things.... when I recently learned it was my MOTHER who was stealing things from my paternal grandmother. :( I also recently discovered a will my dad wrote in which he cut her out entirely, but she managed to put everything in a trust, so it all went to her. :) She's a sociopath who took my poor dad for all he's worth, and isolated him from his family to do so. My only saving grace is that I married a man who has NORMAL parents, and my friends have NORMAL parents, from which I can learn how to parent properly. :( I am no-contact with her now, and my life is SO MUCH BETTER. I wish my dad had the strength to do what I did. He was only able to get away from her by dying. I refuse to sacrifice my life for an evil manipulative person, even if that person is a purported "parent."
You have to be careful that your beliefs were not influenced by a manipulative parental alienator.
Very true. These kind of parents do hold a certain power over their children and that control can be psychological.
I love your explanations...you put words to my experiences. It is so rare to see this level of explanation. Most people cannot understand what we lived, we the people who were not loved.
Thank you! I'm glad this was helpful. And I very much agree that it is difficult to explain one experience sometimes. Therapists --- good therapists -- often have the advantage of seeing things from a broader perspective and to apply the appropriate language.
This is my mother. But what I would like to know is how to deal when your parent gives love, affection and time to another person. My mom does a lot for my 1 female cousin. But yet she refused to take time off work for my wedding. She also refused to take time off to meet both of her grandchildren……I should add she hates the name I picked for my son and a year later she still calls him another name. It’s all about her and nothing about me. How I am doing. How’s my kids doing. How can she help me. Nothing. Even when I call her to ask questions when my son was sick it was a bother to her…..so now I just don’t bother. I’ve written her letter (my husband said I should write my feeling out) but I doubt I will give it to her. She won’t change.
That is so hard. Going no contact (or very limited contact) might be the best for you and your family.
Can relate here exactly too. It's like you're a burden contacting them. Same here with the naming issue! And cousins (& stepkids) issue.
I don't text or call my parents. If they reach out I will usually take the call and just gray rock and not talk about much. They didn't protect me as a small child and they sabotaged my career goals. I don't owe them anything. That includes a blow up. They don't even get that. I'm apathetic to them. They are people I happen to be related to.
Edit: one thing that helped me was to understand they were unloved as kids and were abused. I pity them most days. Some days I do feel love and compassion.
@@ChooseLoveToday316 this.
Thank you for this video 💖
You're welcome 😊 It's a tough subject but needed.
Thank you Tamara, another great video :)
😊You're welcome and thank you!
Dr. Hill, brava for a great and informative video that hit all of the points that I have been experiencing as an adult child of two emotionally detached parents. I have siblings that have all experienced various childhood trauma from our parents but refuse to address this and always make excuses for them whenever I try to share memories that hurt me well into my middle aged. Slowly, my older brother is coming around but he is still of like my sister, in thinking that their pain and trauma was so much more severe because they were older and experienced it for a longer time. One thing I am finding is that I hate confrontation, I won't compete with them in terms of who was hurt worse and I won't invalidate their feelings even though they invalidate mine because they think I was too young to recall terrible things. I could go on but I think your video helps validate so much of what I've been feeling for over a decade now. Thank you for doing this video.
One of the best videos I've come across, and I do not often do not say it.
Super helpful
Glad to hear!
Wow. I never thought about things in this way. You really made things clear for me. The shallow participation and them trying to drive my life were especially eye opening. I never really realized how much this boils down to immaturity. No wonder I had to raise my sisters from such a young age. Thanks so much for bringing these things to light. I’m working on letting this trauma go and real information is so important.
You're welcome! And I understand the difficulty in recognizing these things. Sometimes we're just too close to the source of our problems.
Thumbs up and looking forward to this one! Thank you in advance Támara. 🙏🏽🍀
🙌💖 Thank you and you're welcome!
Wow, you have perfectly described my mother, father, stepfather and aunt to a T. (How did they find each other?) Re intermittent explosive disorder: my mother would claim that when her rages "hit" that she would forget what she had done during them and sometimes even claim that she would lose her ability to see. I only years later learned that she projected onto me and claimed that it was I who had those behaviors. I was shocked, nobody else in my life would describe me that way. I even had a therapist say that after she had read the file sent by the doctor my mother sent me to as a teen "was nothing like the young woman who visits my office". She was trying to tell me that my mother had lied to the teen therapist but I didn't understand, I just thought that the doctor had been lazy. She used to contact my landlords, boyfriends, college, employers and even health insurance. It was appalling to me how many people she could get to provide her info about me. I would never give out info about an employee or boyfriend or whatever but those people did not have crazy family, they just think the parent "cares" and they don't, they're just interfering and controlling. I can't thank you enough for your videos. These "families" are crazy making and in some cases, I honestly think they intend to make family members "go crazy" or commit suicide. Your work validates!
And I'm embarrassed that I overshare in your omments section all the time, but I have never encountered content like yours! Thank you again!
You're welcome! Absolutely. :) That's why this channel is a "safe place" to share. Telling your story most likely will help someone in the same situation.
@@kiskakuznetsova503 I share my story because it was because of others sharing their story that I realized I wasn't the only one who went through this. :( Thanks for sharing your story.
🎯Nice!! Gratitude🙏🏽
🙌
My mom using me as her therapist but the moment she sees my sh scars and finds out I am the one struggling she has to say I'm lying, apparently she thinks she's special and the only one struggling and once someone else needs help more than she does she gets "jealous" hell even my dad knows and don't care
I gave this a thumbs up already because I know this will be good.💚💙
Thank you😊
Hello , Another great video with great information. Thank you 😊. I feel for the children who are brought up by these type of parents. This is why we have narcissist in the world now. I like the new set up of your page when I visited your page with my friend on her computer it was different look I like them both. I especially like the Hello friend links . I have missed so much while I have been working on getting back online at home . I have to catch up . You have put out some great content for me to watch to keep me busy. Keep up the great work Tamara.
Thank you😊
Really glad this is helpful.
And I agree. I feel terrible for these kids because life will surely be difficult.
Such a great explanation. Even though I've heard many talks on that topic, nothing ringed as many bells as this one. Especially the many-faced issue, it's so true.
Glad it was helpful! Thank you!
Thank you, this video was very helpful and enlightening.
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome!
I told my mother my entire life has been a struggle due to all the abuse and that I feel like I'm suffering from a broken heart. I wept openly and put my defenses aside in front of her for the first time as an adult, runny nose and all. Her response, "why are you wasting paper towels!? You need to start keeping tissue paper in your house.".....
That was the day I decided to trust what I've always known deep down and to finally rid myself of all of my family. I realized they'd all seen and contributed to the pain I have and not one person ever had the guts or compassion to put an end to what I endured. It's scary being orphaned as an adult daughter who now sees how not having healthy role models has damaged who I am and the ways I want to show up in the world. I feel immature and like I wasted the opportunity in my 20s to find a spouse and have the family I've wanted trying to juggle it all on my own and nowhere to land safely. They've taken so much and I can't justify even low contact at this point. It's such a defeating feeling.
I get it.
My father provided everything that he was legally required to but nothing more.
And even that, it wasn’t free. We slaved away every single day with a long list of chores that we were required to complete in exchange for the food we ate and the roof over our head.
Although he was technically present, he avoided us as much as possible. I have very few memories of him. He’s completely clueless to who I even am. I don’t think he even knows my favorite color and I know he doesn’t know (or care) where I live (about 25 minutes away from him, not another state or country) he’s just never been a part of my life even though on paper it appears that I was raised by a single dad. No one raised me. I moved out on my 16th birthday and never looked back. I’m 47 now. He’s still alive and nothing has changed nor will it. I accepted that many years ago and I’m at peace with my reality. I’ve never had any kind of relationship with my parents. They are strangers to me. I feel like an orphan with no family except I have a large family just minutes away from me they just don’t care that I exist or what happens to me. Sadly I also don’t care about them either. At least I don’t fear the grief when their time comes. It’s a pain that I could only imagine and never experience.
I felt this… describes my mother to a T
Heavy topic. Looking forward to the upload.
Very much so. Yes.
I remember the day id self harmed really badly, the psychiatric team were in my house and my mother walked in, saw what I'd done and walked back out again. I remember screaming out the window for her to please come back. She was really angry at me. Anytime im struggling, she gets furious with me
Thank you, for this content. This was a eye opener and I have learn what to do. I try and have understanding and empathize why they react the way they did. I love my parents and I know they have done the best they could under the circumstances. Thank you again, this was great information.
Thank you JKl Pop! Very glad this was helpful. :)
I think you are coming at this from a very mature perspective. Not everyone can do this. This is exactly where I think my mom was after years of being the opposite.
I will be focusing on ways to cope with this on Wednesday.
@@TherapistTamaraHillThank you for the observation. It took much work. I look forward to seeing you on Wednesday.
WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! This is God giving me confirmation literally. Just had the umpteenth argument with my Mother, who has had depression all of her life, but I believe there is something more, I told myself on my ride to work I was going to watch some psychology videos to try to see what it may be, and this video just happened to be in my queue! I have always wondered why what I say to my Mom or when I try to connect with her on a deeper level, why it doesnt seem to register...Sometimes its like she almost takes glee in my suffering and uses moments in arguments to throw my lowest times in life in my face. Its really becoming a toxic relationship.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is never easy to deal with for the reasons listed in the video but also because of the challenges involved in coping with this.
See part 2 of this video live now. You may find some tools on how to manage this dynamic.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you, I will watch it but I really do just feel its a lost cause. That inability to be empathic and feel, be in the moment is so true! She really lacks that and I've just come to the resolve that we will never have that sort of Mother/Daughter relationship like I see so many other Moms have with their daughters. Now I am at a point where I just try to love myself and mother myself into the woman that I would like to be so that I don't grow into the same woman and be the same way with my son.
Why would god be responsible for the goods but not the bads…
Thank you for what you do
You are welcome. And thank you!
@@TherapistTamaraHill it’s so validating. Now I know. I had it all wrong. I don’t want shared custody I want unfit parent or highly supervised. I didn’t even know it had a name. I was raised with great parents. His mom was diagnosed grand narcissist disorder. I just want my son to turn out healthy. It’s the environment. I see the difference now.
I lost my a close family member and neither of my parents could hug and console me.
Crystal, I'm sorry. That's painful. That's at least one reason why we have parents.
Hugs are very odd for these people. If there is a hug; it is very "loose". I grew up without hugs.
Very true. Yes. Even caring gestures.
Same here, multiple times. I feel for you. Stay strong & treat yourself like you deserve.
Great vids ❤
Thank you!!
For me one parent isn’t aloud to care due to narcissistic mother. She gets upset and makes it appear he puts me first at anytime he does something I needed or was nice, supportive. I try not to and don’t ask for anything & communication has almost stopped- but I worry so much about him he has a new heart condition & is getting elderly she is an emotionally abusive nightmare he has to keep her calm bcuz she is in crisis at any moment for zero reason say if she drops a fork & he’s right there to calm her cries yells & picks it up quickly. I’m sick about it bcuz she made him her victim when I told her I didn’t need her validation anymore & realize she is messed up & abused me my entire life. She doesn’t recognize his heart condition & knowingly aggregates him. When we learned, suddenly she is having him take HER to the ER weekly she tries to say she has dimensia . She doesn’t! No on in my family believes me but weren’t targeted by her until now. He’s spending all this money in special care for her but she doesn’t even know the signs and has none now she just wants tranquilizers to help deal w her own guilt. She is a holy roller that’s what she wants to run from w the pills. Frankly it helps everyone when she is tranquil. I stay away. I’m dying she helps my brother who has full life everyday. I live 2 hours away and need help but instead get things like I’ve ruined the cabin & just like I’m fine. I’m alone w no help except from doctors. Then when I do see her all she talks about is my brothers family adoringly & says his wife is like a daughter to her. Spoils my niece they speak in Spanish in front of me leaving me out. I love my family obviously hurt but they act like I hate her or it’s me which is what she has done over time & repetition. She lies to extended family uses me for sympathy that I’m so awful. It’s difficult bcuz she’s my mom I love her & im very worried about my stepdad’s condition not improving getting weaker. My mom is bad very bad. And good at it. Her work into has paid off for her.
It sounds like there may have been jealousy between them and you were a tool she used between your parents. I might be talking very soon about jealous tendencies and behaviors in narcissistic parents. That's been on my list for a while.
I'm very sorry you experienced this. Never easy.
@@TherapistTamaraHill ❤️ Thanks!
Welcome 💖 And thank you for great participation!! Helps everyone on the channel.
Life is very lonely for people who have emotionally neglectful parents 💔 i want relationships and friendships but I don’t know how. Very sad.
Yes it is. I'm sorry you are going through this. You can overcome this, however. With the right things in front of you, direction, and motivation to push forward, you can learn to live a different life.
Thank you so much
You're welcome!
In my gut, as a child...I knew something was off about my parents but was not aware of all of the psychological aspects. I feel sad and angry at the same time and don't know how to overcome these feelings.
My mother dropped me off at the mental health suicide assessment building and drove off after yelling at me that I was lucky she didn’t make me take the bus because I interrupted her packing to move house??
I nearly jumped in front of a bus earlier that day! I was literally suicidal and she dropped me off at the building and left me there?? She accused me of faking it to get out of working??
She hasn’t called me in years. Even during Covid she didn’t email once! When a roof nearly landed right on me in a house I lived in during a storm once and I was forced to relocate to the country to live in someone’s holiday home, she didn’t ask me once if I was ok she just emailed me to try get me to help her look after my father because he had Parkinson’s!!
I was homeless at the time again after being kicked out of that home for not mowing the lawn to the owners satisfaction…once!
She didn’t care that I nearly died and probably thought I was making it up like I always got accused of doing when I wasn’t!
Talk about grudges! She was still pissed at me ten years after my psychiatrist called them both in to inform them about me having cptsd and both of them spent the whole meeting blaming each other to the psychiatrist!!
She HATED being cornered in that room. The psychiatrist blocked the door with her chair so no one could leave which was strategic!
My mother NEVER forgot and still brought it up ten years later as if it just happened??
She didn’t talk to me once for months after I didn’t laugh at her ‘joke’ which was literally slapping her hands on her lap a few times like she was playing music??
I was watching a movie at the time and she did that and then got pissy at me for not laughing and said “my friends think I’m funny” and then gave me the silent treatment over THAT??
one thing i'm baffled with is the idea that they may not be hurting as much as i am about our relationship. or lack there of. i'm trying to figure out how but at this big age of 28, i'm realizing i have to not put nothing past anyone. even my parents
That's a very common sentence I hear "...the idea that they may not be hurting as much as I am..." A former client stayed hurt by this for years. Keep moving. Keep healing. Keep going. I hope you friend strength and peace on this journey.
Spot on. This describes my parents so well. Thank you for another helpful video!
You're so welcome!
Also, I wondered if you had a video or any way of explaining when you’re standing in your power, and conflict you may have with neighbors or disruptive, and after you speak, how you feel, which is new to me, their actions are to say some excuse, unfortunately, the building management doesn’t do their own job or we wouldn’t have these problems however, I just wanted to know what your perspective is on standing in your own power, both in relationships, and challenges. Thank you so very much and I didn’t catch your name yet.😮😊 you’re really really really good!
I really learn a lot from your channel both the new stuff and going through your old playlists. I have one request that you would slow down a little bit. It’s so much information and it takes processing and I would feel calmer if it was at a slightly slower pace. If that’s just the pressure of wanting to fit a lot in a short time then I understand. I can always listen again and I do pause when I get overwhelmed . Really helpful in all other ways. Thank you
😊 Thank you!
One thing that I felt Really Helped when I first Started Learning About this was if I watched a video that Connected with my Expierience I would RePlay it and Take notes in my Journal. Either with it at half speed, or pausing Periodically as I Jotted down the Points being Presented.
I could then share what I had come across with My Specialist.
Also when I felt extra discombobulated that I would feel myself regress to the old programing, I could leaf back through my Journal and Easily Find tools to help me Through those Times of Discomfort in much Healthier Ways.
Heres wishing you wellness🧚♀️
You can change the video speed mode for the video…
@aruytpadyugf thank you for pointing that out!
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
Thank you so much for this channel. I just ran into it today, and I really love your style. Do you except patients?❤
Thank you so much! Welcome to the channel. I do accept patients but am unable to currently. I am booked up until end of the year. Feel free to email me contact@anchoredinknowledge.com for a consultation as I may be able to schedule you. 😊
And I also welcome you to my live chats on Fridays
My mom 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I'm sorry Amy. Very tough. I will be offering tips Wednesday on how to cope.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you
11min contd 💯💯💯
❤ I’m happy I came across this video, I pray God continue to be our parent when our earthly parents not active. ❤🙏🏽
Amen 💖 I'm blessed to have a good mom but I know so many are struggling.
Absolutely love how you make me acknowledge that I’m not lunatic by dealing with parents like this. My father cheats on my mom, I support her and then she stays with him and says that I’m the fucked up one because she somehow now blames me as having unhealed wounds on an alcoholic dad that used to abuse me psychologically as a teen and probably physically as a child. His controlling of her, manipulation and flat out years of abuse with him make her unable to stand up on her own and she blames her lack of will and courage on me. I even doubt there is incest going on with my older step-sister because she would do anything for money and is codependent and has had a clinically diagnosed narcissistic exhusband. So here is my question Tamara - what is the best thing to do? You presented all the scenario to diagnose the condition of this style of non-parenting now what do we do as adults to deal with such unstable retired parents so that we can keep moving on with our lives?
Firstly, thank you for sharing your story and providing the details that so many on the channel can relate to. And thank you for your kind comment. Glad to have you on the channel!
I would say, in short, to watch my two most recent videos which highlights the answer to the question you ask:
1. Learning to be ok with being alone ua-cam.com/video/gmsxwUyQIpk/v-deo.html
2. Borderline parent ua-cam.com/video/uGLRHWdNJAU/v-deo.html
Stay tuned as I will be discussing the mother-father dyad and their unstable codependent behaviors.
It took 2 years of depression and 3 fractures just to get my mom to care and my dad only has me around so that he does less work
Thank you
You're welcome
Thankyou so much ! 😭😭😭😭😭 Your video came like a blessing at this very hard time ! You are the best therapist till date i came across online ! Your thoughts have made me feel so much better now as i was having major depressive episodes these days coz of my family ! I am going to watch all your videos ! Thankyou for uploading such videos ! Subscribed 💕!
I'm so glad!❤☺ Glad this was helpful to you and validating. That's the start of healing. Thank you for these kind words and welcome to the channel! I'm doing a live chat tonight if you'd like to come and ask me questions, etc. at 8:30pm est.
@@TherapistTamaraHill You are welcome ❤️ Yea sure i d like to be a part of chat , how i need to link to the chat , i hope i didnt reply late , i am in india, wat indian time wud it be
I'm not sure of the timeframe in India! I'll have to check into that. :)
But here is the link if you missed it. ua-cam.com/video/5siB9nSbdXE/v-deo.html.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thankyou 💕
You're welcome!
I wish this was longer... 💪💪💪💯💯💯
💖😊 More coming up Wednesday! Stay tuned.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Awesome... So glad I found your page.
😊 Thank you!! Welcome to the channel!
My mother straight faced tells me she doesn’t care about what’s going on in my life.
I'm sorry 😔
I promise this has been so helpful for my wife I’m praying that your videos touch her because having a narcissist mother as she does our marriage can’t work an live with her around along with toxic family members I love her to death an I give her healthy ness as much as possible but this is effecting me as well because I’m the wife so this helps her so much to understand that it’s hard to de attach from her to be happy an healthy again
This is a year since the video, but I wanted to ask if its a specialty for a therapist to be more aware of these signs of emotional immaturity. The characteristics you mentioned really resonated with my experience. I have a hard time deciding whether I should seek help because I don't feel like I ever went through something severe or highly abusive. I find myself feeling a sense of emptiness, that I'm not in alignment with myself and recently as thougu I'm not a 'person' (but strangely I realise based on superficial things). I worry that if I talked about my experience and how I am, that they would think I'm overreacting, and just grasping at straws when everyone goes through much worse, and can still move forward.
Yes, there are therapists who are aware of these signs! My therapist is one
I hope you made the choice to try out therapy ❤
My parents were emotionally detached when I was younger so I never really bonded with them but now I’m older, they expect me to care for them and want me to be emotionally there for them…. They are having marital problems and refuse to go to therapy but instead complain to my siblings and I about each other
But do they love you? It takes a long time to realize something was wrong. It leaves you feeling guilty, that you are to blame for any problems that come up. My mom never demeaned, shouted at me. She just provided basics. I thought that was love.
It wasn't until I had children myself that I realized how ABNORMAL my mother was. I realized to her, love is when someone else MAKES you happy. But to me, all my life, I realized when I love someone, THEIR HAPPINESS makes me happy. This type of love is ESSENTIAL for having a child, especially a baby, because when I had my firstborn, I was regularly UNHAPPY! :) Sleep-deprived, dealing with new noises, poop, pee, vomit, new unexpected financial expenses, illness, etc etc. But my kiddo was happy, so I WAS HAPPY for my child. I realized at that point, my mother only cared about me if *I* made her happy, and that usually was predicated on MY PAIN. It was at that point, I realized I could no longer love my mom -- if her happiness depended on MY PAIN or HURTING MY CHILDREN. I cannot love a person whose happiness is dependent on making others unhappy -- by manipulating them, using them, abusing them. That is not love. That is evil. And I will not be part of it. I am no-contact with her since my dad died in January 2024.
My mother for sure!!
I'm sorry. That's very hard to deal with.
I am the least favorite of the family and I'm sure they wish I wasn't born, Cause they never talk to me
I'm so sorry. That realization is painful.
@Rose i feel you , i also feel this time n again but this may not be true as we create and exaggerate negative thoughts in our head , even if it seems true , they are a certain way coz of some wrong parenting n upbringing , thinking patterns or mental illnesses which hasnt been diagnosed by
Me too and no one hid the fact that they wished I never existed. My mother didn’t even name me for several weeks because she was so depressed that I was not a boy. The first time I heard the term “invisible child,” I related to it because that’s how I was always treated. It’s not easy. I hope you’re okay.
@@daughterofdysfunction5623 i am so sorry 😔
@@daughterofdysfunction5623 Forgive and let go , Dont look back , move ahead , make your own family coz the society controls the mindset of people , we camt change who they are but we can choose who we chose to live with
My parents. Mom.. sent me away as a child I've always been wanting to be back. No matter what I don't matter
My two sister was a victim of rape but our parents didn't care at all.
I'm so sorry. Parents like this have so many reasons why they are like this. I might do a video at some point on why.
Reminds me of my mother. She didn’t care that I was sexually molested and even went out of her way to have conversations with the person who did it then gave them my phone number. She then tried to pretend as if she never did any of that. I don’t truly like her at all.
I was actively dying in the ER from an ischemic stroke, brain bleed, 2 pulmonary embolisms, and a DVT caused by COVID/autoimmune diseases in 2022. I became paralyzed and couldn’t speak. Funny enough, my diagnosed ASPD/NPD father was dramatically crying (priest and nurses were present so he had to put on an act). My sister was crying and my brother almost fainted. My mother… not a single tear. Not once. Her youngest child is actively dying with blood filling in her skull, in and out of consciousness, cannot move, and cannot speak…nothing. I know my parents wanted me to die (my father did threaten to kill me this past Thanksgiving-so there’s that). I own the company my father was forced to sign over because he was charged with a felony for sexual assault and the state wouldn’t allow him to hold a particular license required for the company/facility. He was convinced he could fight it and get his company back. I’m just a chess piece on his playing board and it’s my mother’s job to make sure all the pieces are moving how he wants them to. They’re not my parents. DNA and former money donors. That’s all.
Thanks
You're welcome