Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC
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- Опубліковано 1 вер 2016
- Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?
In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience - and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
"You think you know each other so you stop paying attention."
Askformoreinfo whichyouwontget That hit me hard.
@@kazachskijmolodiec I hope you overcome that awful feelingbof unrepairable loss quickly...
Good one!
Or they never paid attention in the first place.
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"Human relationships can survive fights. Human relationships cannot survive the loss of safety and security."
runninginsept thank you for quoting
absolutely right we can not survive
we supposed to be back of our pattner
that struck a nerve
that is is his perspective not fact
runninginsept I’m just going to say abusive relationships
"The real problem is not when you fight, is when one of you threatens to leave the relationship ".
So true indeed!
So true, indeed!
This is my current situation. I've lost the emotional connection to my woman and have no drive to fight for this relationship.
@@afrodude4782 it's over when you feel that way. Be honest w the person and true to yourself.
Andrew Spencer I’m in this situation 😞😞😞
"Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" so simple yet.....
"It is not me against you, it is us against the problem. You and me, even against the rest of the world." something i would use in wedding vows. :/
I so agree! Its almost like its what each other can get out of the relationship for themselves and who gives a damn about the other if they do or don't...fend for yourself mentality...turn off!
I've never looked to a woman for protection, safety, and security. How could she possibly provide these things? As a man it is up to me to provide those things for myself.
@@treacherousjslither6920 maybe not physically but emotionally
@@muninchip Nope. I don't look to a woman for anything other than companionship and physical intimacy.
After 5 years of marriage and not a single night apart and not a single argument I can say that a huge tip is to read up on oxytocin that is released through touch and make an effort to give a long hug every day. Yes it is normal to have fights but those like me who don't won't be at his office for counselling so of course he has no data on those relationships that do run well. Be each others best friend, hang out like best friends do, and work out your own insecurities because insecurities are a huge fight trigger. You go on defense even before you open your mouth in conflict and when both are defending themselves you don't get anywhere. Solving conflict with conflict and self defense will never give results. Have a talk early how you wish to be treated when you are upset. Do you want to be left alone or be held? Do you want to talk about it or sit quiet? And if an argument occurs and you feel that emotion start to boil in your chest, take a deep breath, agree to cool off separately, then agree to disagree and hug it out. Only use words to each other as you would say in front of your grandmother. If you wish to hurt the person by name calling because you are hurting then you need to seek counselling yourself to mend what old pain gets triggered in you. Lastly, if your partner looks stressed, asking "what can I do to help?" and do things as a team will get you very far. A relationship is like carrying a table. If you don't have teamwork it won't work smoothly.
That does not sound like a honest and healthy relationship...you never had one single argument? Even he said that is not healthy.
@@nicciGT A healthy relationship rarely has fights. There are disagreements but full on fights isn't healthy in my opinion
Fighting is needed in a healthy relationship
Well said and splendid advice
Love your table analogy!!
I was dumped, from what I can see as a very healthy, growing, and functioning relationships despite sometimes there are fights. One of the reasons she said is that because "relationships should be easy. why is ours hard? why do we need to work it out?"
It's what romanticism has told us, that the "right" person will always have things really easy. But it isnt. Because all of us are flawed and imperfect.
Living with another human being is always gonna be hard.
"Issues grow, when you stop learning about each other".
I am not good at keeping conversations exciting. To understand my partner more, i play couple questions game like "Lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner expects or likes. My girlfriend loves it ❤
Thanks for sharing about "lovify". I also tried it with my girlfriend. And it was really fun :)
I was in a toxic relationship for a year and a half where my partner threatened to leave me many times.
"If you get too close to the edge of the cliff we're done"
"If you don't get out of the ocean we're done"
"I'm gonna break up with you if you drink with your best friend when I'm not there"
It was draining and awful. I didn't feel confident in our relationship and I always felt like I couldn't be my adventurous self. I'm glad I finally ended it. I only felt sad for a little bit, then I went to the beach and felt FREE.
I'm struggling with this heavy right now. All I want is to have her back but there was so much fear the whole time that I lost myself trying to cater to her depression, to her anxiety, to the made up stories she believed. It was so hard..I love her so much but it was pure suffering
@@andrewjackson9948 I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's not easy being in a toxic relationship. Once you safely remove yourself you will feel relieved. And when it comes to future relationships remember to listen to your gut.
Being single is better than being in a bad relationship.
No two people can be a perfect match right at the beginning! It's like an investment of time. Once you invest it properly, you harvest the best fruit ever.
Exactly, and it isn't so much about how much you have in common but how easily you can accept the differences of each other
Common hobbies are just a superficiality to who we really are deep down. There's plenty of people who love freedom, like myself, who find themselves in wildly different areas of life as I'm in, that's why I don't worry about hobbies, I worry about character.
I don't see it as I'm marrying a "pre school teacher", I see it as I'm marrying "The woman who happens to be a preschool teacher". We're all so much more, if we choose to be, than our hobbies, we're the culmination of our life itself.
Fruit can rot at any time. You have to be willing to know when to leave. Even if you invested a lot of time into it. The whole happily ever after bit is just not true for most people.
profile pic checks out
BonTee's Story oh yeah? Let’s talk in a couple of years
I wish everybody understood that 0% of relationships are sunshine and daisies all the time
The relationships we have ultimately determine not only how we see ourselves but also how we see the world.
I can show you the world, Shining, shimmering splendid 😁✌🏻
Lone and desolate place.
I have watched this 4 times today. It’s strange how this video brings me a sense of peace, awareness, and helps me understand my current relationship and how I behave in it. I’m going through a bad period in mine and I feel like I was meant to come across this
I had the same experience.
Me too!
How are things going now?
Me too😢
So very true… I’m experiencing this at this very moment!!!
"The next time a relationship moment turns tense, change your position, go eye-to-eye, face-to-face. If you tend to fight a lot when driving in a car, it’s because you’re side-to-side and glance; a glance is a threat trigger. "
My, my! What a fabulous talk! My wife (of 28 years) and I have put it on our weekly calendar. Our goal is to listen to it once a week. Stan Tatkin a) knows what he is talking about and b) is a great communicator.
wow this is not a bad idea
pff Shut up
That's awesome, my fiancé and I also meet weekly to discuss our lives, what we can do to help each other and we discuss our insecurities. We learned about it from the Five Love Languages, but we learned how to do it correctly by Stan and countless other psychologists.
A relationship can survive a fight but it can’t survive loss of security or safety ‼️
“Our major job is to make each other feel safe and secure.”
“The decision to be in a committed relationship (loving, secure functioning), means being in the foxhole together, and protecting each other from the dangers out there.
It’s not just about getting our own way, we’re suppose to have each other’s back.”
It is, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but if you to work things out you can have a happy relationship. The most powerful thing you can do to keep your relationship strong is to form a partnership, a team, based on mutual respect, caring and helpfulness.
always hard, everything, but nothing is impossible actually, am 15 years with my man . actually we have a crisis about having a baby . after week and week i'm not still pregnant . but my best friend eve has just told me something about natural drops so I'm really cosidering buying it bc we do really want to have a child or twins 🙂
It's soo heartbreaking to know that many people can relate to abandonment and be the pleaser.
I hope you get better and may live a long happy life with the people you deserve 😊.
Peace 🕊️
"there is nothing more difficult on this planet than another person"
“The decision to be in a committed relationship -- loving, secure, functioning - means being in the foxhole together and protecting each other from the dangers out there. It’s about having each other’s backs.”
This just explained my last 48 hours of my now ended relationship and I just wish my partner understand this
Hi Jen, did you ever show them this video?, did you guys make up..
Sorry to hear that. The worst part is that sometimes when you are trying to work something out and in an effort to send them something like this they will be EXTREMELY adamant to watch it or take it in .
I am a couples therapist, and I think Stan Tatkin is excellent. And, he spoke in my home town!
What Tatkin is discussion in terms of the brain is described in detail in the book Thinking: Fast & Slow, by Daniel Kahneman.
Nan still there?
His book "Wired for Love" has done wonders for us! Every couple should be aware of it.
My wife and I have really gotten a lot out of Wired For Love as well.
Thanks for the recommendation. Did you also read The 5 languages of love? If so, what did you think of it? What's the difference between the books?
"Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" Amen for Basic Goodness
"if we don't have each others back, who will?" 😌
That emoji doesn’t match the quote
Yourself-
Why could I not have seen this before I ruined my life....
Willa Herrera hope things are going better for you
Because there was probably a good lesson to be learned, if you were able and willing to learn.
Well... Never is later...
What do you mean? Did your relationship end or something?
What happened, if you don't mind me asking? Spill the tea, my guy!
One of the best Ted Talks I've seen. Very insightful and heartfelt.
The compassion this man shows and the love given through every word are truly amazing. I cannot thank enough for all these free speeches that hold treasures of wisdom in every sentence.
This is why I live alone. For my own sanity.
Lol.. why you are watching this? ☺
I've been in plenty of relationships, currently in one, but I do enjoy solitude and quietness at times. However, it's always perceived as a negative, taken as me being mad or sad; But this actually happens when I feel blissful.
A lot of guys are saying that because it's true
AtomX II for laughs
Same here - people are not with it - solo is the answer
I just took a workshop with him and he was fantastic. Lots of logical information about how to manage relationships. Highly recommend his books.
"We're all capable of becoming threatening, even to those we love."
I love the entire speech, especially the part about us being " visual animals'.
10 minutes, I felt it like 10 seconds
I really, really needed this; not just for the understanding that I am not alone in realizing how difficult relationships are, but also because I need to take ownership for my part. If I had realized how hard marriage really is then I can firmly say I wouldn't have done it. However, I did and now I have to learn what I need to do to help make it a solid, healthy marriage. It just doesn't fall in your lap that way as so many people, myself included, were led into believing.
Thank you for posting -
Brittany Thurlo, I agree with everything you said except for I don’t regret my marriage and would do it again. I just wish I was better educated in relationships from the beginning.
i just almost cried that was one of the best speeches I've ever heard
I can't tell you how much this has helped my relationship with my partner. Thank you so much.
So beautifully soft spoken
This man is brilliant. Love his work
Stan touches on so many great points, his talk is packed with good info.
Beautifully said. What a fantastic presenter and person he is!! Thank you Stan Tatkin :) you just changed everything and I've been studying relationship psychology for decades!!
THAT KISS AT THE END! My heart!!!!!!
This is such a good listen/ watch.. Breaks it down easy and simplified.. Makes perfect sense, wish I had seen this years ago!!
This changed my life. Thank you.
"Our major job, is to protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure. The world is a dangerous place, it's always been so; and right now, it feels a little scary. If we don't have each other's backs, who will?"
This is an excellent TED talk about relationships, how and why we manage them erroneously and how we can improve on that. I feel this could also extend to relationships with family members and even friends, and if someone has a very big heart, to all those she or he meets. Well worth watching!
Absolutely superb. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Great talk Dr. Tatkin. I will be using this as a teaching tool, absolutely. Such important information and the world would be such an easier place if it became common knowledge.
Wow, what a level-headed person, very comfortable to listen to him
very insightful!! Thank you so much!
Very eye opening
I come back to this video every now and then. For me it really helps and it is kind of eye openning.
Amazing!! He spoke volumes in a brief excerpt
Very insightful and heartfelt
I liked very much. I always think that relationship must lift us up to better level (safe place, loved atmosphere, physical and mental ecstasy, companionship, friendship and so on )than we are right now if not better to be alone.
Natavan Quliyeva hello!!
He has a great mind and I just want to thank you for sharing your great ideas for us. I absolutely enjoyed this video.
aw that was so good and insightful! one of the best ted talks ive seen!
such an amazing speech - this needs way more views!!
I mean, this is literaly what is wrong with the world.
Agreed.
This Stan Tantkin lecture is a good way to reap the benefits from a relationship session when you feel like skipping a traditional one! He is absolutely right!
This made me cry and just touched my heart deeply. Very interesting.
I Love this talk i can totally relate, its like he's exposing facts i hadnt figured out yet
This is so good, so clear. Thank you 🙏
Amazing!!! Well Put. "We're supposed to have each other's backs"
Beautiful explain! Thank you for sharing your insights!
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriage. Friedrich Nietzsche
Love his energy.
Looking forward to interviewing Stan again on Wednesday! I've learned so much from him, he's changed my life!
What a wonderful and insightful speech. Every person and every couple ought to see this, and if we could add it to school curricula of helping youngsters grow up with this understanding, wouldn't that be amazing! Thank you so so much for sharing this
Very good ted talk here, he's right, we are all very difficult beings
What an amazing talk! I could see that he spoke the truth and from the heart! Moved and educated at the same time!
thank you for this!!
You have to have someone who truly meets YOUR needs, YOUR emotional demands. Like he said you.think you know someone so you stop paying attention. So often we are told we're selfish for leaving or not being satisfied BC we don't have what we need emotionally
What u just wrote is a recipe for disaster. Only toddlers expect ALL their emotional needs met
@@maya9685 very true. If you expect someone to meet all of your emotional needs you will not have a lasting relationship. Yet todays society projects this idealization and the fact that so many people upvoted that comment proves that
@@kaylasheppard7746 agree. Society promotes that as some ideal to strive for ...it only sets up people for a quest that will never be fulfilled for disappointment and for disillusionment.
you guys don't understand the comment? he said *meets", not "fullfill all" demands.
@@phamhong7154 well i understand perfectly well you just craftily substuting meet for fulfill. There 2 words here meet and needs .
Needs - what are your needs ? Babies also have needs and much of them.
really opened my eyes to a new perspective thx
Trop beau, merci pour ce beau partage !🙏🏾💖
Thank you Stan. Your video has made me realise a few things about my own relationship.
I really love this man. He nailed everything! 👊
Thank you. I need this. Blessed
This man speaks the truth because my partner and I have just had a fight and this describes in explicit detail of what went on during our animosity and the progression. Although talking face to face is the solution as described here, unfortunately it has past that stage for me and I have broken up with her.
Wow !! So needed to hear this today
So true, thanks Stan! Great talk!
I found myself nodding for the second half of this film, he is so right. Truly amazing.
Precious. Thank you❤️
Well said!❤ Thank You
This is so good! Everyone should watch this!
Excellent presentation and explanation!
Amazing talk
He is awesome, loved this dude
I needed that much love.
Everybody needs love, good communication, passion, understanding... ❤
Wow! Unbelievable scientist! Great speech! Thank you for all these very useful information!
"We come to relationships wanting things to be easy.* "Our brains are very good at making s*t up." "When stress goes up, communication goes down." "Our memories can be unreliable." "We're mostly misunderstanding each other much of the time." All are good statements. It's even worse when regular communication doesn't exist. So many things can be misunderstood or deemed threatening when one tries to protect or be there for the other person despite what others think. So many false assumptions that ruin relationships before they even get started. There were truths in this short talk. Thanks for these important reminders! They were appreciated. 👍
Wow what an eye opener!
Excellent!
Fav TED talk so far
Excelentes enseñanzas. Gracias.
Love Stan's work
This really deserves way more views
this is a best ever ted talk thtat i heard
Loved how he explained everything. He is really talented. He got the points through my head and above all the way he explained and examplified this trivial yet Sooo crucial topic in simplest words is beyond amazing. Thankyouh
Cant thank you enough for this session 🙇♀️
That was beautiful..very wise and kind words