I will say one thing, in my 37 years on earth this breakup was by far and away the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It’s been two months and I am still utterly devastated. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, and within 24 hours she became a total stranger and we have not spoken since. I’m not sure if I will ever look at women or trust the same way again.
Been there, felt that. Was deeply in love with a woman who flipped personalities on me, broke the relationship off, stabbed me in the back, and slandered my reputation. I still tried to patch things up with her despite the betrayal. It took two years to get over her, but now that I look back, I realize I dodge a bullet and see the breakup as a blessing. She broke it off and went no contact because I was onto who she really was. I saw through the mask and confronted her about a few things, and she went nuts on me. It has changed the way I look at women as well, but I haven't given up hope that I'll find someone eventually. Best of luck to you - I wish you patience in your healing process.
This exactly describes the breakup with my DA. Exactly this. Emotional, vulnerable, and clearly involved though somewhat vague and unclear. 3 days later with space in between - abrupt, detached, definite. Absolute whiplash & blindsiding.
Hi Laura, I love your delta formulation. And your focus on the sympathetic system, and it turning the person into a shadow of him/herself after fight/flight has activated, is the new nugget I got out of your great and concise video. Also, I've seen testimonies/analyses of DAs saying they sort of put up a front trying to fit in (many have social anxiety for instance) and so my personal hunch is... this means a fawn response is already triggered in the 4F response mechanism, which exhausts them, way before fear finally (and temporarily) takes over. Cheers from Paris!
I've noticed this once too, this guy I was kind of dating, one time, broke down in front of me as we were talking about his life and how he feels lost, he almost cried and I hugged him for support in a really intimate moment, then he said he had to go, got up and left, I was so happy, I thought this meant he trusts me to open up like this and that this was a sign of progress, but no from that day on he avoided me and acted like I mean nothing. Very hurtful
he was probably deeply afraid of something, maybe being seen again by you again in that light, because you saw him in a super vulnerable state, which he probably wasn't used to. Maybe I'm projecting but deep shame and fear of rejection can cause us to run like the wind lol.
For any women who've come across a guy like this, I'd have to apologize on our behalf, because this is totally me.. and literally happened with a girl i dated for a bit at my job. for me thought i was becoming more emotional as I slowly started to come out of the freeze state and my emotions began to become more prominent as I was constantly triggered in general. This was during us deciding not to see each other any more. I then began avoiding her more and more and becoming more cold , because certain fears around our relationship became extremely loud and present, that werent initially there. So in some cases, my case she, is EXTREMELY on the money with this.
This is insanely useful. I'm the opposite of an avoidant, I'm a very confrontational person, but I always go to great lengths to make the confrontation never antagonistic or judgemental, or even normative.
Thank you for the video… I’m 8 months since a blindside emotionally brutalizing discard breakup from my ex. We dated for 18 months, supported each other through two surgeries, hers 13 months ago (hysterectomy) and mine in February (prostate biopsy - negative)… A month after my surgery, and the day after a lovely, fun and passionate date, I get a TEXT “I can’t see you anymore, I wish yo well”… and it broke me… i called, texted, emailed… “can we talk” … and the next day, I get another text “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry I did, I. Just had a change of heart”… and not another word…. Since… I didn’t know anything about attachment styles, Avoidant…etc… and it took about a month to even start the very long process of connecting the dots, and the realization that it was NOT my fault. The part that has been so difficult to get my arms around is the seemingly shocking cold & heartless persona… Where did that come from? Was it just hidden, to only come out at my most vulnerable time? … I’ve read, studied, and done lots of reflection on this, and yes, I have some abandonment trauma in my history that got lit on fire and have been tending to those wounds… but, this l NEVER saw coming… The way you described it as a defense reaction to actually feeling the emotions for me & us, puts it in another light…. It changes the lasting impact of it being a lie, and my feeling used (that’s still very much there)…. To something not quite so sharp…. Don’t get me wrong, this all cut me quite to the bone, but in the last 8 1/2 months, I’m in a much better place, and clearly on the healing journey. ….. Thanks…..
I am so sorry you went through this. That sounds excruciating on multiple levels. I'm so glad that understanding how deactivation works to separate the avoidant from their feelings was helpful to you. It results in a robotic coldness that is easy to take personally, but it is actually a maladaptive strategy aimed at safety.
@@CoachLauraLea The way she progressively shut down and turned cold during the relationship caused me emotional turmoil that built up over time to where I became depressed and I didn’t understand why. Learning about avoidant’s behavior just makes me feel guilty for putting her through pain too. I tried to have emotional conversations, I tried to be emotionally safe but over time - I couldn’t handle it anymore. One of our last fights I called her selfish and robotic. That’s how it genuinely felt and I believe that was what sealed our fate. It feels impossible to move on, knowing that I made it worse and I pushed her away as much as she did me. The way she brutally discarded me makes me feel that “she didn’t deserve me” relief and ability to move on.. but hearing what was actually happening makes my heart hurt. Are we really supposed to move on and fall in love with other people when we could’ve healed together? She wasn’t willing to do couples therapy though. Makes me feel like I wasn’t worth fighting for.
One thing women and men aren't aware of, is when women get a hysterectomy their emotions change for the worse, that's why it's so important for women to get their hormones tested and get on hormone Replacement Therapy to balance out their hormones to previous levels before the hysterectomy so they can be normal and have an healthy life again and not destroy their relationship s with their partners/spouses!
I've watched a lot of videos by now on UA-cam about DAs and to a lesser degree, FAs and I'm beginning to ask myself, is it possible to have any sort of healthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant person at all? When I ask myself that same question, but replace the term 'dismissive avoidant' with the terms 'narcissist' or 'BPD' the answer I arrive at from my life experiences is 'no'. As a result, I would not expect to have or want to have, a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has BPD as I know from experience that it is not possible to do so.
The consensus is : if they're NOT conscious/ working on it = no If they ARE working on it, maybe And the odds are better if the other person is secure, or, if avoidant, also becomes conscious of that and also works on it. Cheers
Everybody is on a spectrum. If she is severely avoidant your odds are spectacularly low, even if she's working on it. Not impossible but very difficult.
Hi! I would caution against swapping the words. While you may have seem some similar qualities, Dismissive Avoidance and Narcissism and BDP are all quite different, and are certainly not a given to coexist. Would you like for me to do a video on the possibility of a healthy relationship with a DA?
This makes me very excited to see where the girl who discarded and blocked me 3 months ago will end up in the next few years. She’s a dancer so I can always find her to check in. And we were in an open thing and she will probably remain open so we will probably have sexual encounters in the future. But for the moment it’s still too fresh for her so she isn’t reaching out. Mutual friends are not useful in trying to reason with her either
An open relationship with a dancer who you seem to believe is an avoidant and apparently would like to get back with after she discarded and blocked you. Talk about the triumph of hope over experience.
@ what can I say I’m a romantic. Well actually I’m not trying to get back with her. Just have her in my life as a friend. Or get a debrief. I can’t bear how she left things
There is a clear-cut, all or nothing answer to this. I am sure that there are DAs who, like most people, ultimately decide they're no longer interested in someone for other reasons than a "shut down/discard". However, in such circumstances, you would be talking about a more "traditional" breakup, rather than the above. In my experience, when there is the sharp deactivation and ensuing coldness, it is probably not because they don't care, but instead a response to their nervous system.
@@CoachLauraLeaa video on FA's and lying. It seems a lot of people have experiences with FA's lying - a lot . Mine did in such a fashion that I suspect she didn't know herself. Like she fully believed the lies. Which makes it all the more frightening.
I will say one thing, in my 37 years on earth this breakup was by far and away the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It’s been two months and I am still utterly devastated. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, and within 24 hours she became a total stranger and we have not spoken since. I’m not sure if I will ever look at women or trust the same way again.
I hear you. There is nothing quite like it. Please let me know if there are ever any specific topics you would like me to address.
Been there, felt that. Was deeply in love with a woman who flipped personalities on me, broke the relationship off, stabbed me in the back, and slandered my reputation. I still tried to patch things up with her despite the betrayal. It took two years to get over her, but now that I look back, I realize I dodge a bullet and see the breakup as a blessing. She broke it off and went no contact because I was onto who she really was. I saw through the mask and confronted her about a few things, and she went nuts on me. It has changed the way I look at women as well, but I haven't given up hope that I'll find someone eventually. Best of luck to you - I wish you patience in your healing process.
❤i understand, i experienced it too.
This exactly describes the breakup with my DA. Exactly this. Emotional, vulnerable, and clearly involved though somewhat vague and unclear. 3 days later with space in between - abrupt, detached, definite. Absolute whiplash & blindsiding.
Hi Laura, I love your delta formulation. And your focus on the sympathetic system, and it turning the person into a shadow of him/herself after fight/flight has activated, is the new nugget I got out of your great and concise video.
Also, I've seen testimonies/analyses of DAs saying they sort of put up a front trying to fit in (many have social anxiety for instance) and so my personal hunch is... this means a fawn response is already triggered in the 4F response mechanism, which exhausts them, way before fear finally (and temporarily) takes over.
Cheers from Paris!
This is a great insight, and I think it makes a of sense. Thanks for sharing!
@@CoachLauraLea Many thanks Laura
I've noticed this once too, this guy I was kind of dating, one time, broke down in front of me as we were talking about his life and how he feels lost, he almost cried and I hugged him for support in a really intimate moment, then he said he had to go, got up and left, I was so happy, I thought this meant he trusts me to open up like this and that this was a sign of progress, but no from that day on he avoided me and acted like I mean nothing. Very hurtful
Yes that sounds like a very similar circumstance. It is so painful. I hope you're doing well.
he was probably deeply afraid of something, maybe being seen again by you again in that light, because you saw him in a super vulnerable state, which he probably wasn't used to.
Maybe I'm projecting but deep shame and fear of rejection can cause us to run like the wind lol.
For any women who've come across a guy like this, I'd have to apologize on our behalf, because this is totally me.. and literally happened with a girl i dated for a bit at my job. for me thought i was becoming more emotional as I slowly started to come out of the freeze state and my emotions began to become more prominent as I was constantly triggered in general. This was during us deciding not to see each other any more. I then began avoiding her more and more and becoming more cold , because certain fears around our relationship became extremely loud and present, that werent initially there. So in some cases, my case she, is EXTREMELY on the money with this.
This is very mature of you!
This is insanely useful. I'm the opposite of an avoidant, I'm a very confrontational person, but I always go to great lengths to make the confrontation never antagonistic or judgemental, or even normative.
Thank you for the kind words!
So painful. So what do they then even do with that pain they’re expecting? Just ignore it forever? Ugh 😣 😢
Interesting. It didn’t happen quite that way for me but a lot of it followed the hot and cold pattern. It’s a mind f*ck.
Thank you for the video… I’m 8 months since a blindside emotionally brutalizing discard breakup from my ex. We dated for 18 months, supported each other through two surgeries, hers 13 months ago (hysterectomy) and mine in February (prostate biopsy - negative)… A month after my surgery, and the day after a lovely, fun and passionate date, I get a TEXT “I can’t see you anymore, I wish yo well”… and it broke me… i called, texted, emailed… “can we talk” … and the next day, I get another text “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry I did, I. Just had a change of heart”… and not another word…. Since… I didn’t know anything about attachment styles, Avoidant…etc… and it took about a month to even start the very long process of connecting the dots, and the realization that it was NOT my fault.
The part that has been so difficult to get my arms around is the seemingly shocking cold & heartless persona… Where did that come from? Was it just hidden, to only come out at my most vulnerable time? … I’ve read, studied, and done lots of reflection on this, and yes, I have some abandonment trauma in my history that got lit on fire and have been tending to those wounds… but, this l NEVER saw coming…
The way you described it as a defense reaction to actually feeling the emotions for me & us, puts it in another light…. It changes the lasting impact of it being a lie, and my feeling used (that’s still very much there)…. To something not quite so sharp…. Don’t get me wrong, this all cut me quite to the bone, but in the last 8 1/2 months, I’m in a much better place, and clearly on the healing journey. ….. Thanks…..
I am so sorry you went through this. That sounds excruciating on multiple levels. I'm so glad that understanding how deactivation works to separate the avoidant from their feelings was helpful to you. It results in a robotic coldness that is easy to take personally, but it is actually a maladaptive strategy aimed at safety.
@@CoachLauraLea The way she progressively shut down and turned cold during the relationship caused me emotional turmoil that built up over time to where I became depressed and I didn’t understand why. Learning about avoidant’s behavior just makes me feel guilty for putting her through pain too. I tried to have emotional conversations, I tried to be emotionally safe but over time - I couldn’t handle it anymore.
One of our last fights I called her selfish and robotic. That’s how it genuinely felt and I believe that was what sealed our fate. It feels impossible to move on, knowing that I made it worse and I pushed her away as much as she did me.
The way she brutally discarded me makes me feel that “she didn’t deserve me” relief and ability to move on.. but hearing what was actually happening makes my heart hurt. Are we really supposed to move on and fall in love with other people when we could’ve healed together? She wasn’t willing to do couples therapy though. Makes me feel like I wasn’t worth fighting for.
One thing women and men aren't aware of, is when women get a hysterectomy their emotions change for the worse, that's why it's so important for women to get their hormones tested and get on hormone Replacement Therapy to balance out their hormones to previous levels before the hysterectomy so they can be normal and have an healthy life again and not destroy their relationship s with their partners/spouses!
I've watched a lot of videos by now on UA-cam about DAs and to a lesser degree, FAs and I'm beginning to ask myself, is it possible to have any sort of healthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant person at all? When I ask myself that same question, but replace the term 'dismissive avoidant' with the terms 'narcissist' or 'BPD' the answer I arrive at from my life experiences is 'no'. As a result, I would not expect to have or want to have, a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has BPD as I know from experience that it is not possible to do so.
The consensus is : if they're NOT conscious/ working on it = no
If they ARE working on it, maybe
And the odds are better if the other person is secure, or, if avoidant, also becomes conscious of that and also works on it. Cheers
Everybody is on a spectrum. If she is severely avoidant your odds are spectacularly low, even if she's working on it. Not impossible but very difficult.
Hi! I would caution against swapping the words. While you may have seem some similar qualities, Dismissive Avoidance and Narcissism and BDP are all quite different, and are certainly not a given to coexist. Would you like for me to do a video on the possibility of a healthy relationship with a DA?
This makes me very excited to see where the girl who discarded and blocked me 3 months ago will end up in the next few years. She’s a dancer so I can always find her to check in. And we were in an open thing and she will probably remain open so we will probably have sexual encounters in the future. But for the moment it’s still too fresh for her so she isn’t reaching out. Mutual friends are not useful in trying to reason with her either
An open relationship with a dancer who you seem to believe is an avoidant and apparently would like to get back with after she discarded and blocked you.
Talk about the triumph of hope over experience.
@ what can I say I’m a romantic. Well actually I’m not trying to get back with her. Just have her in my life as a friend. Or get a debrief. I can’t bear how she left things
Good luck.
You're going to need it.
Would an avoidant only discard you out of the blue if they have feelings for you or do they get rid of people that are “just friends?”
Avoidants, severe ones can't let anyone truly close, friend or lover.
There is a clear-cut, all or nothing answer to this. I am sure that there are DAs who, like most people, ultimately decide they're no longer interested in someone for other reasons than a "shut down/discard". However, in such circumstances, you would be talking about a more "traditional" breakup, rather than the above. In my experience, when there is the sharp deactivation and ensuing coldness, it is probably not because they don't care, but instead a response to their nervous system.
Could not fond a link to the quiz and the website link listed in your profile doesn't work
You are absolutely correct, apologies! I just updated the link, but here it is as well: stan.store/lauraleabalanced
omggg yes
more on FAs plss
Is there a specific topic that you would like me to address?
@@CoachLauraLeaa video on FA's and lying. It seems a lot of people have experiences with FA's lying - a lot . Mine did in such a fashion that I suspect she didn't know herself. Like she fully believed the lies. Which makes it all the more frightening.
@@tscavenius Ok yes, I will give this some thought! Thank you for the request!
Don't see a link to quiz...and website link is down...
You are absolutely correct, apologies! I just updated the link, but here it is as well: stan.store/lauraleabalanced