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@Danilaroche1156 ...what a trite an insensitive thing to say. If you weren't there.. and are not a licensed health professional, you can't accurately sum up someone else's relationship in one dismissive statement.
This is my first time. I'm 2 months in. It's very confusing and extremely disrespectful most times. It's very similar to being in a relationship with a narcissists. I get those same warning feelings/flags. Something isn't right, just can't put my finger on it and it doesn't feel good.
the dismissive avoidance will drive you to a breakdown and change your behavior. Walk away from these people until they have a paradigm shift of humility and self awareness
As a child of a DA with no insight regarding their behavior patterns or desire to change it, it’s a living nightmare. Not saying people can’t improve, but the extreme measures required to get them to acknowledge a mirror is not beyond taxing. Some must be loved at very great distance
I agree, been there, i had a mental breakdown after a breakup with a DA, i had severe depression and anxiety for almost a year after the sudden breakup. Before that i had no psychiatric issues, and none since then.
@@jessicajackson1200 May I ask? (if you don't mind of course) after a year you were emotionally regulated to where your mental health was back to balance and positive? Did you consciously work towards this? Or was it a "time heals" process? Would be very interested into any insight and the experience of transforming the "stuck " feeling. Thanks
What Lily-livered sons of guns they can be. It's trauma, but we all have trauma to work through. No one gets an exception card. Luckily relationships with them are optional
yes yes yes !!!! Took me a YEAR to figure this out w/my last partner. I made a lot of excuses for him (he's got trust issues, he's struggling financially, he grew up in poverty THAT WAS REALLY dysfunctional). While ALL of that IS true--he has REFUSED to even consider therapy "it's too hard!" he's said more than once. Yeah, therapy IS hard...but, when what you're dong over & over again doesn't worki, what's the alternative? We're no longer in a romantic relatonship--are "friends"--but, some of the SAME issues still pop up! I'm focusin g on what ICAN LEARN ABOUT MY OWN PATTERNS--becuase I PICKED this guy & stayed. That's on me.
@@LisaFenton-h7fThey tend to stay Victims so they don’t have to do the inner emotional healing on their selves. Married to one. If they don’t take accountability for their actions that hurt others, they will not ever change. FAs cannot change them, heal thyself as well.
Amen. I had to literally set a "walk away date" in my calendar. Though my love is far reaching, it is coming to depletion levels, because I get no love back. If she doesn't come to the party, I will simply walk away and probably be happier, because she is in extreme denial about her issues. It's a lose lose if that happens, but while I'm a great catch, she has major issues and never made any major discoveries or help seeking, since she can't agree with the entire consultation, or book, because a few lines or sentences didn't apply to her. I had an emotional breakdown knowing I'll miss her while she visited while I was on a long term deployment, and instead of any emotional support, she said stone cold, "don't cry". I literally stopped mid cry, because I've never seen anyone so cold hearted while pouring out my bleeding heart for her. She made me anxious, while I was secure for the last 6 years.
I’ve never forgotten a conversation from interacting with a DA. We were just randomly having a convo about love and connection. He believes your screwed if you get married. Why have relationships when you get the same from friends and family? I said to him ‘it’s a different kind of love’ not thinking much about it. Couple weeks later his close friend and his wife went through a tragic loss and he came to me to ask what to do because he didn’t know. I said to him, you don’t have to say or do anything. Just being present with them and listen will let them feel your support. He did and he later said to me “in the hospital when I was watching my friends I seen what you meant when you said it’s a different kind of love.” I was taken back but never said anything. I could always feel deep down he was a kind and caring man and his actions even though they hurt did stem from trauma. Im not saying it’s an excuse to put up with bs but his interaction with me made me feel sad to think that as a little boy he was emotionally neglected and he never knew what it felt like to receive the love every child deserves to feel.
Yeah, that's really sad and tragic but also an insightful story. From my understanding of DA's behaviour they just don't know how true bonding and love between couples work because they just never experienced it within their own family background. So they need to learn and then they will grow. We all have childhood wounds. It's sad to think about how many people in Western culture are so traumatised by having generational family patterns where the parents didn't truly love each other or their children, when they were married just for convenience, then now in the modern era, people just have sexual friends with benefits style relationships and nobody really bonds or even trusts each other any more. I think a lot of families were traumatised by the two world wars also with parents in the modern era rebelling against their parents who had ptsd from the war, then modern society was telling everyone not to get married and just make love outside of wedlock and how independent women should be, just to get them into the factories as cheap labour. Then leaving us with whole generations of children who were neglected by their mothers with fathers who were never really there. We need more traditional family values in the modern age to help our society heal.
That’s what keeps so many people in connections with them. They see that traumatized little kid and wish they could heal them and give them the love they didn’t receive. Sadly it rarely works out like that.
@@MeAnINFP because they don’t see themselves that way, it would be miserable to view your own personality traits as a result of being unloved. any more than an anxiously attached person sees themselves as someone who wasn’t given enough consistency and space to learn to rely on themselves, even though it’s also true.
Not knowing the difference between familial love and romantic love does not make someone a DA. What was it about that person that caused you to jump to the conclusion they are a DA? Too many people here are "diagnosing" people as DAs without knowing that person well enough to be qualified to make such an assessment, or without taking into consideration how their own attachment style (e.g.; AP) and/or personality disorder (narcissism, BPD, substance abuse/addiction, etc.) could drive someone away. It's easy to assume someone's a DA when they don't give you the attention you think you deserve. That doesn't mean they are. Be careful before you start making assumptions about a person's childhood. You're treading into territory you don't belong, and that will cause even the most secure people to push you away.
OMG, this is exactly my person. Right off the bat he was acting like we're in a relationship and it actually got me excited. But when it comes to commitment, nothing. That's why I checked out. I'm a secure attachment and this is a project I don't want to take on. I love him a lot but that doesn't mean I need to be in a romantic relationship with him.
I had one texting me every a couple of hours a day for two years in pandemic but don’t want to meet up afterwards. 😂 he thinks I was a chatbot AI:) after a year and a half detaching I told him that I respected your decision not to meet up and pls respect my decision of no contact from now on😂 am happy without him 😂
Worst 7 months of my life. It felt like being on coke. The two extremes, there was no better high but the low was always righg around the corner. They will leave you drained, heart broken, and confused. They also have zero empathy.
So damn true. After 24 years, my DA left me. Made me feel that I couldn't connect with her emotionally. She said that over the years. When she cheated on me, she emphasized how she felt so connected to the person. Good luck to him. It has been a rollercoaster.
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
Right, but as an FA who also does these things but doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the person in front of me…along with less detached views about relationships in general .. why is a title even so important…for some sense of security? Couples split up, people get divorced, houses are sold etc…sometimes the pressure for a title actually ruins the chance for true intimacy imo, and especially for people like some unhealed DA and FA who need to go very slow. Although I’m extreme , rarely date and don’t pretend to be in relationships or string people along so I dunno. But it seems there’s no middle ground out there between hookups and serious for us who need to go slow
For me it was the opposite. I got the girlfriend title quickly but most of the time he didn't act like my boyfriend, he was not sure about me, didn't want to delete the dating app, never introduced me as his gf (I met some friends), didn't want to put in work to resolve our issues or have deep conversations. Maybe the titles are too much for them, they don't know how to sustain a relationship.
It took me forever, but i finally moved on from my DA/neglectful narc ex. My god what an ordeal that was, it nearly broke me! Now I understand what everyone always says in the comments - NEVER AGAIN will I go for a DA, *unless* they are already actively working on themselves with therapy.
@@cornwallismorgan874 thank you 💜 i really appreciate your comment because it was hell - i had my days of just barely making it through work and coming home and collapsing on the floor crying and just not wanting to go on. it was horrible and ripped open wounds i didn’t even know i had. Butttttt now coming out on the other side, it has helped me grow tremendously. In the future though, I’d rather learn those lessons an easier way 😅
@@instagamrr That's certainly the ideal! As hard as it is to admit, we need our wounds ripped open from time to time so we can keep healing and growing. I had a somewhat similar experience with an FA narcissist who was very abusive to me, so I can understand that process. But we made it through, and that's what matters. :) With time and learning will come more ease in recognizing these types of people early on without the personal experience part!
The prob with all the advice for understanding DAs is that they generally spend zero time doing the same (except maybe the ones at PDS). By the time you get anything in return for all your effort toward them it feels like you spent months shopping for your own Christmas presents, wrapped them yourself, did all the work for the holiday festivities, bought your own card, and let them sign it- and THEN to validate your DA you had to throw them a whole ass parade and shower them with gratitude because they signed the card, which they then receive as meaning that's all they ever have to do. Now take that feeling and imagine that being your future for your entire relationship. For me, I'll never do it again regardless of how many ways there are to "make it work." The juice is just not worth the squeeze.
Sadly, not too far from the truth for me and a recent ex DA. He didn’t know what to get for me Xmas (after 2 years together) so he suggested paying for whatever I chose, and I did and then I wrapped it myself. I tried to get him to come with me to choose something but he said I’d know better. He got upset when I said it was thoughtless and ignored me for a week over Xmas and new year because ‘I deserved it’ for criticising him. Being with a DA nearly destroyed me and has taken me 6 months to even start feeling better though I’m grateful for the all the wounds that it brought up which I’ve been healing through PDS and somatic work, and sadly still feel very much love towards him. He was devastated when I ended it but I had to choose myself. 😢 He just said he was incapable of relationships and wish he could be what I needed but wasn’t willing to do any work on himself.
I think it's also a myopic approach to a human being. We are beyond complex. This doesn't regard social engagement deficits or neurological issues. So a person attempts to approach another for internal conditions that can NEVER change because their nervous system becomes overloaded not due to attachment style, because they lack a protein, or they have been masking to engage romantically. All I hear is undiagnosed autism.
Dismissive Avoidant here. Self-awareness goes a long way. I started learning about attachment theory around 2017, and it really opened my eyes to a lot of thinking and behavioral patterns that were healthy vs unhealthy, and I started working very hard at re-organizing myself to be more secure. It can be a slow process, but change/growth is very possible if a person wants to be self-aware and wants to work on themselves. I have had relationships since then that were good in many ways, and though they ended, it was not as a result of my attachment style. Whatever a person's problem is, being self-aware about it and accepting there's an issue is step one. If a person can do that, growth is possible. If not, cut your losses and don't waste your time.
I like the part about them holding grudges or resentment due to not being able to resolve conflict. When my DA ex and I split up, he said he didn't want to experience this (the conflict we had been having + the feelings that came up with it) anymore and he didn't know how to fix it. I had been trying to do inner work as an FA, but it really felt like I was left to do all the work while he just expressed his disappointment and pessimism.
Sorry, but is your attachment style, Fearful Avoidant & you’re with/ were involved with a DA? I just listened to the audio, Attachment & studies revealed that AAs never succeeded with other FAs or AAs because they lacked the glue to stay present in relationships
It’s nonsense to think you can heal in a unhealthy dynamic. Heal alone, once you know your boundaries and needs you will never be stuck in confusion and anxiety with an unhealthy individual again! Good luck!
@@caroshmarowan AA/ FA pair will have more glue than DA/ AA pair in my opinion. FA has strong anxious side , though they’d lean more avoidant . FAs like me don’t necessarily want to be smothered with love all the time. The DA will take it but probably leave you just as quickly 😆
@@Nightswim_ That’s so interesting. I thought the FA & the AD were the same. I’m wondering if you can swing between attachment styles. I was not an AA until I fell hard for my now ex DA. Thanks for your comment 🌷
@@caroshmarow Well FA's have both anxious and avoidant sides so you can lean more to one side depending on who you're with and how they affect you. For example, I leaned more avoidant when I dated an AA and then leaned more anxious when I was with a DA
Perfect upload timing. The ex DA was apparently happily moving on to someone else. But I need to remember, if he's unhealed she'll have the same problems I did.
Exactly. When I look at my DA now, out of the relationship, I realize what was exceptional is how close he did let himself get to me, not that he then gradually backed off and reverted to type, which I found so difficult and confusing.
My DA moved away then got ahold of me. Flew me out to see him... told me he loved me. Talked me into moving where he was. I went there and he changed... back to the old jerk he was before. Wouldn't touch me... refused to be close to me... created drama... 5 days later I left. He didn't even care to see if I made it back ok. He can't communicate at all. Silence is how he answers Any of my questions. I quit my job and then paid my way back no help from him... sat and watched me pack up. Said he did love me... yeah for a moment... more like he doesn't love anyone but himself.
I was one inch from moving when discarded. This scenario is real. He kept telling me he loved me and how he wanted to marry me and grow old with me, until he suddenly didn't. I was blindsided One hour earlier we had the big talk of me moving soon, and the whole financial setup, everything, and he had tears of happiness in his eyes because I would relocate. And then he discarded me. Never got any explanation. Called him a month later to get some closure; he was laughing and asking me why I was still crying. Then suggested we get back together 'since we were never really broken up' No apology, no explanation, he literally thought we could continue as if nothing happened. Said 'he just had a bad day' I have blocked him now on all platforms and gone into therapy
My experience with DA's.. family and friends alike is that their struggles with vulnerability, poor emotional modeling and high sensitivity to criticism means that you will almost always be walking on eggshells with them. Whereas on the contrary, their struggle with empathy means they will not recognize when they infact do the same thing to you. It is a tough bond to build especially when conflict resolution is also a struggle for them and a partner or friend will always feel like they are climbing walls with them. In my opinion, DAs are not for the faint of heart. Even those who are working on themselves still need a lot of patience and tolerance from their partners. But especially for those that can not recognize their patterns am sorry to say its just better to love them from afar. It can be draining, and much as we sympathize with their trauma, everyone has some kind of trauma to a degree. But accountability is still important, and we all need to at least make an effort for ourselves first before others can make efforts on our behalf.. thats just my take on it. 🤷
You discribed a light version of a narcisist. Like, its a spectrum and so, from like 7 to 10 you have narcisistic personality disorder. A 7 can go back to 6 but the others only can have control . You just described someone who is a 6, to say the least. Even the traumas that D.A and Narcs got woke by are THE SAME. Threat a Narc as a D.A can cause a LOT OF PAIN so for your own health, think on them as narcisists and IF they prove theire not, then go slowly.
Men, women, please avoid these types of people. They will really hurt you so much. No matter what you do, they will break you down. Terrible experience.
@@MeeCee5204i ran into a severe mental health crisis; anxiety & depression. She is not taking any responsibility for her behaviors and doesn’t seem to do any work for herself.
@@MeeCee5204friend from another country that I knew for 5 years who enjoyed time together with me has been here for the last 2 years. I helped them find a job, pay for school, work on their car. That whole time I kept asking about doing something together and they kept leading me on. Eventually found out they spent all their time with people from school. When I said I wished we talked more I was treated like I was nothing, like I was a monster. They couldn't find 30 minutes to spend with me in 2 years, and instead say they never wanted to be so close. You can't help but feel like trash when someone treats you like trash.
The last time I messaged my DA, I told him that I wasn't able to forgive him yet for the pain that he continuously put me through and that I was still hurting as a result of his avoidant behavior towards me. He was so hot and cold with me, even though he was the one that chased me to begin with. I don't regret telling him those words because he needs to know that what he did to me was not fair, nor was it okay. We are now in NC for 6 weeks. I'm feeling better, even though the past hurt still haunts me. I know I will get through this, and I hope that he does the inner work that's needed in order to never treat his future partner the same way he treated me again.
And the beat goes on I know a few people who have dated Dismissive and they cheated on them because they don't make an effort. I know because when I dated one I wanted to cheat I just wanted to be loved and talked to did not care much about the sex part they will push you to do that I don't care what know one says we all need to feel wanted.
Oh yes, it's terrible to hear from someone that you are with and invested emotionally and helping him heal from an injury for example to not delete your online account on dating site. I was so blind before
@@sheliasmith2884I 100% agree with you on this. They breadcrumb you. They make you feel like you are the crazy one. All you want is that love and connection and SEX especially. They rarely want to do it. It's a horrible experience. When i want to communicate or talk things out dit my DA gf, she always sees it as me attacking her or fighting with her. You can't talk to these people. Because they are always right. They are only amazing in the honeymoon stage, and that's about it.
I’ve been in a relationship with a DA for 10 years. I’m just now understanding this language which helps me sort out the mess that this attachment style causes. These people are a nightmare. One typical pattern that has happened repeatedly is he gets mad over some perceived criticism and is ‘done’ with me, acts like an ass and refuses to discuss anything. After a few days he comes to his senses and apologizes. When I don’t immediately forgive him and act as if everything is ok immediately, he gets mad AGAIN and refuses to speak which makes me furious and causes me to say all the hurtful things I’ve swallowed repeatedly which then causes him to cut further contact PLAYING THE VICTIM and acting as if I’m the abusive one for saying hurtful things out of anger. There’s no accountability on their part regarding the damage they’ve caused by their constant stonewalling and shifting of blame etc. These people are infuriating. I have so much anger and resentment but I’m mostly angry at myself for allowing someone to treat me this way.
You just described my relationship of 8 yrs. He has ruined me and seems to love to hurt me especially when I'm at my lowest point already. I know I don't deserve this treatment. I just can't wrap my head around a grown person who can't take accountability for their awful actions and treatment of the person who loves them the most. This is the worst cycle of toxic abuse I have ever dealt with and all the while he acts like he is the victim. I wish I could just flip a switch and not allow him to affect me so much...still haven't figured that out.
We represent the parent that neglected them or treated them like shit so all the anger and hurt and revenge gets directed at us instead of their f’d up parents. I’m so over this bs.
@@CompostBushomg… me rn… and she gott my name on her chest… went to jail over her bs… and back at it again getting us a new nice place out of a bad one she had before I came along… just told her she should leave when she gets home tonight
Hi I just also realised I am with DA for more than 10 years and found that I am also anxious attachment person as soon as I found this everything made sense but now I have this anger and resentment in me and I am almost grieving for my lost years.I thought it was not normal to feel this angry but as I can see other people are going through the same
OMGG this is exactly me and my boyfriend!! I would try to discuss problems with him and have a proper conversation like the adults that we are! but he would refuse to listen or talk about it I would cry and he wouldn’t give a shit so I start getting mad and saying hurtful stuff to him now Im the bad guy! then he would leave the apartment for days giving me the silent treatment!!
@@devilcat7991 I have. It's been a month since we've spoken. The most confusing, emotionally draining, triggering, frustrating, TOXICCCC 9 months of my life. Would've NEVER expected things to turn out like this based on how it started. It was difficult at first, but sooooo thankful it's over for the most part.
Breadcrumbing is manipulative, controlling, a power play, immature, selfish, arrogant and demeaning. Is it really possible that someone can lead another along and not be aware of the feelings of their victims?
We DAs operate from protecting ourselves. We see us being the vulnerable ones and those trying to get into our lives and emotions as interlopers in a territory they are not yet welcome or invited. We don’t act cold to “punish”, it’s a response to feeling overwhelmed by another’s need for our energy and emotions that we like to keep to ourselves unless we feel completely safe. I have secure attachments with my siblings and friends. I’m super friendly and outgoing. It’s the attachment to my parents and consequently to male romantic relationships that I am avoidant. I still get lonely and long for love but need so much space and freedom, but despite the fact that I’m monogamous and loyal, most men won’t agree to what I need and when they crowd me, I resent it. What a cycle to live through every single time. I’m working on my DA attachment but so much emotion happens on a unconscious level, I can’t keep up sometimes and just leave.
@@jacl1923if the Da’s I have ever been involved with or heard others have, presented themselves as you have described, instead of the bait and switch painfully manipulative intermittently reinforcing gut wrenching but previously exhibited warm receptive engaging empathic giving attentive and emotionally intelligent qualities that seem to evaporate once the other person has been led to feel safe and falsely, to become vulnerable- I don’t think any of us we be here writing these heart breaking comments
I needed this today. I walked away from a situationship with a DA last year. Its was the most confusing thing ever. Everyone knew me as his girl, we had communicated with each other like we were bf/gf, etc. I knew it wasnt a 'hes just not that into you' situation. I walked away and it killed me. I managed to moved on with someone new but when that ended (for the best)... All these unresolved feelings and anxiety from the avoidant i walked away from last year came up. It has me feeling wo pathetic and stuck. I heard that he had actually been upset when i told him that i couldnt do what we had been doing but i imagine he probably found distractions. How do i release the feelings? Im an FA. We had a lot of overlapping spots in the city that i avoid now
Kudos to you for actually waking away. Situationships almost always end up with 1 person wanting/expecting more based on the seemingly progressive interactions but then get stunned by the brick wall that a DA is. What I've learned is to just get busy. Like literally start working on your goals small first, then the big goals. Achieving the smaller goals will help boost your esteem faster so that you're equipped to tackle the more complex goals. Since you've chose to avoid the mutual places, start thinking of this healing phase as an opportunity to explore new places that you will then be able to introduce to your next partner. Travel is also a great way to start healing. I've found that once you literally move yourself out of the physical spaces that may remind you of the DA or the spaces that you're depressed in, the traveling really refreshes your mindset. You'll be so busy with improving yourself, that you'll not only be ready and receptive for a new more aligned partner, but you'll also have a better and newfound love for yourself. Before you know it, you'll be doing that Tobey Maguire strut he did on Spiderman. 😆 Best of luck
I just left a similar situation after four years. I was avoiding places/restaurants that we had visited too. Then one day I just said, no, I'm not gonna let him ruin this favorite place for me. So now I go to these places alone, and push out any thoughts of he and I there. It's been working so far. Best wishes for fast healing! It's very hard.
Three and a half years with an unknown DA. Showed her many videos, she said “that’s my life!!!” Never wanted to get professional help, even when I split the cost, for as long as it took. When I stood up for myself, you know it, another breakup, but I stayed in No Contact. Deepest, most long-lasting pain in my life, just drained emotionally, physically, spiritually. You give until you have nothing left, then they leave. Still not over it, not even open to dating another DA, let alone planning a marriage with one.
My DA ex told me she was walking on eggshells when i asked her to put alittle more effort. This was after we went 3months without meeting and she was 3minutes away from me. She always had an excuse and when i brought it up she literally said that she didn't like the complaints.
My DA and I live 28 minutes away from each other but he would not make time to see me for 4 months, making 4 months of excuses for why he couldn't see me instead. Every time we were clearly getting closer, he would then back away and drop out of contact for days, sometimes weeks, and then a couple of times for over a couple of months, the longest time being this 4-month period I'm speaking of. I finally had to walk away.
Wowowow mine told me the samething after I kept checking her for her insults she had no filter always had something negative to say. She like it's like walking on eggshells mmm no how about u just respect me.
Yes do that for your self. I did it gradually and it was a year and a half of detaching and finally told him to leave me alone. I am fine without him. You can do it too.
The thing about them being afraid of being trapped with certain behavior they don’t want to deal with is accurate, a DA said something along the same lines after we had an argument about following through with plans for a visit. Then he canceled altogether because he was afraid I might get mad again over something while staying over his place (I wouldn’t have, it was specifically about the plan issue). They don’t want to take the chance.
Very clear and helpful for better understanding attachment styles as wounds and not as misbehaviour. How various forms of links can compensate each other helps to better understand their behaviour. Conflict resolution is no doubt a major aspect of avoiding vulnerability, commitment and the feeling of being dependent on unreliable others. Marshal Rosenberg’s work can perhaps be helpful.
@@nymeria5013 They stopped messaging me over a month ago with no explanation (besides they were busy or whatever). So nothing to stop I guess, although I did hurt myself. They made it clear they decided against a relationship and we were only “friends” at this point anyway. Hoping this was finally enough to break my habit of getting hurt by getting attached to DAs and having weak boundaries. I did react frustrated twice about plans with them by being abruptly direct because they were so elusive about them and it was more complicated then it had to be. They made sure to shut it down real quick and admitted they were immediately defensive. I didn’t feel valued or prioritized which is what triggered me. However DAs trigger me the most as an FA.
All of these things are recogniseable. They twist and bend themselves backwards to hold on to a delusion that it's "friendship". I have a very close emotional connection to a DA for 5 years. It often feels like he is the last to know that he was already in a relationship. I call him my "romantic friend" because neither of us deny to be in love with each other, but he won't commit to a label.
I'm right with you. Two years for us. We are monogamous, we are in a relationship. But he won't say it, we've had several deep conversations about it, but he tells me "relationships end in pain." We know and love each other's parents and children. But anyone who asks he calls me his friend. I'm so back and forth on whether a label is important or not.
ohh same. we're in a loving relationship about 2 years now, he admits we love each other and there's a strong attraction and connection, yet.. he calls it friendship. When i say it feels more than that, he gets quiet and and somehow agree, yet he cannot make himself commit to a labels. idk how long i'll be able to handle all that.. but i truly love him and trying to accept him where he is rn. I do like your "romantic friend" approach, maybe i'll try it.
I think back about one earlier conversation we had after he first confessed. He said that in his vision, you are friends with someone for 4-5-6 years and then you get married. I laughed and I thought about the absurdity, as to me I viewed marriage as a path to achieve through stepping stones... dating, bf/gf, surviving IKEA and holidays, moving in, engaged... But, we're very much on his binary path. That also created some reservation to me, because I knew I required to be sure I can see myself married with him to know my answer if he asks me for commitment. So I stopped talking about label and just rested myself in the knowledge that as he invests his energy, resources, time, space, attention he is still on that road with me. How long can someone be in limbo however before it's decision time. I've known I can see myself grow old with him for a long time, and I'd like to cut to the chase.
@0Demiyah0 I'm happy to hear other people are in the same situation I am. It's a relief, actually! My guy also invests all the same things in me. No shortage of time or effort on his part at all! Just calls us friends. No matter how many times we discuss that from my perspective we are more. He says "ok fine. You can have your opinions." He told me before that relationships end in pain, and so by not admitting we're in one, it can't end in pain. Denial? Maybe. Avoidance. Yes.
@@mlong506 I'm glad it's a relief, and likewise! Mine has the same sentiments - "relationships end in pain". "You get married to endure the bad times", because if a connection is good why would you need the assurance they are staying - of course you will stay if it's good, when times get bad you need the chain of commitment. So in those notions I just read that he likes to keep a backdoor, and he's worried about conflict resolution, and things growing stale or becoming trapped in an estranged marriage. Frankly, I do not have such concerns. I live by the rule "do one selfless act of love for your partner every day, and if you both do so, you will cherish the peace between each other". I don't think relationships get boring if you plan things to look forward to. If you are openminded to the change each of you will go through in different phases of life, celebrating and supporting those times to see your partner take shape, then the journey is also exciting. I find comfort in the security and stability of knowing we want to grow old together, and I don't worry about smothering or stifling each other out, because I am pretty evenkeeled and respect a partner has their own life despite we also share a life. My thoughts seem idealism to him, but I think they are also practical and feasible, it just takes a brave heart to take steps one day a time, and one day a time is all we ever have in life. When I explain I see we are already a couple, he will also dismiss me in the same manner yours does. "A difference of looking at things". To my DA, dating, gf/bf, etc. do not mean much. A lifepartner or a husband/wife does. Since his last ex - probably a traumabond - ended it just before he thought he was ready to get married, it's like he doesn't dare to fantasize and dream about possibility without equally fearing the pain.
Sorry, but anyone who says they’re ”scared” they will be ”stuck with you forever” is not truly in love with you. They may like you. Maybe they love how you make them feel. But they don’t love YOU.
@@RitaP41 so true. Only an avoidantly attached person would react (not cognitively "think" but emotionally "react" ) that way. All this person did was highlight covertly bad behavior - it's bad no matter what attachment style does it. And @KajasaBernhardina didn't mention anything about themself, so we don't know, they could be coming from a Secure place. @libertygates4944 told us everything we need to know by being reflexively defensive and deflecting (extremely common emotionally reactive DA behavior). When triggered, they'll promptly, confidently and calmly throw anyone under the bus before taking a moment to sit with bad a feeling and reflect. I understand that it's what gets them through the day, but damn, watch out because anything bad they feel they'll push it onto you especially if you don't deserve it... because even the potential of being wrong is painful (to anyone) so imagine what happens when they get even the slight spidey-sense that they actually are. They shut it down and make the other person the target. Just like what we saw here.
Seems to me the ONLY feelings or needs they are concerned about is theirs. Somehow they just do whatever makes themselves feel better at the expense of their significant other. When do they realize they can GET HELP??? Feeling disgusted.
I wanted to ask for help but I didn't even know where to begin. It took the almighty UA-cam algorithm to suggest a video on attachment styles before I had the eureka of self awareness and begin to explore my attachment wounds and begin the work.
I go by the rule that if someone doesn't put themselves into it, I'm out, because they just aren't that into me, and I've accepted that's IT, that's what that is. They didn't need help, they just weren't that into me and they needed me to leave.
@@Hlokirok same here something triggered my algorithm too. I was praying for truth and clarity and then bam good ol you tube video popped up 😂. Now I’m here learning more n more about these individuals.
Look, I'm secure. Have tested multiple times. My DA interpreted my hurt over him stepping on my boundaries as criticism. He stood me up twice, for plans HE made, cuz he needed space bla bla bla. No thanks!
It makes me really irrationally angry to hear DAs feeling like they are the one in a one-sided relationship, particularly after 1.5 years with a DA who put almost zero effort into our relationship. They don’t match effort or commitment, blow hot and cold, make you walk on eggshells, refuse to compromise, but somehow think they’re the victim. 🙄 never again. DAs are too much work and frustration.
Everyone's experience in a relationship is shaped by their perspective, traumas, ways of thinking. Just because you can't relate to how they would feel this way does not mean that it isn't true or that their feelings aren't real. You don't have to get in/stay in a relationship with someone who's attachment doesn't mesh well with yours but that doesn't give you a pass to trash on their experiences. Your oversimplified this into DA: bad when all insecure attachment is "bad" and can negatively affect others. Insecurely attached people still deserve compassion.
Yeah, their ability to think of themselves as victims and others as aggressive/possessive/selfish is unparalleled and has been an incurable trigger for me.
Based on videos I've watched, I believe I fall in the DA category. Vulnerability, specifically not showing it, was always a huge deal for me. I'm now a 50yr woman, and finally learning how to comfortably express my Vulnerability.
Projecting much? I know they hurt but they pass on the hurt...that's not love at the end of the day...as Ross famously said...there's a mirror here!! Reflection is so healing and accountability so freeing
Good for pointing it out. They choose to pass on the hurt. Most cold hearted type I've ever dated. But I'm the Disorganised type and I can give them a taste of their own medicine too.
I just came across your page and I’m grateful for all this incredible information. I had no idea what DA even was. But I’m dealing with this in my relationship right now. Extreme connection when we are together and when he leaves I have no idea who he even is. He knows everything about my life yet I know nothing about his. No calls unless they are at 11pm at night. Disconnected for days with no texting- always late. Has no consideration as I keep sharing in a very healthy way how this bothers me…. And He expresses he’s sorry, says how much I mean to him, says he wants to do better, but absolutely nothing changes. I’ve at this point been so frustrated by this- I’ve avoided his calls and texts to see how this can be resolved. This emotional roller coaster is so high and low. He’s not narcissistic or belittling, no gaslighting or getting mad. He’s slow to anger and such an amazing communicator…… just missing the commitment. I’m not sure what to do but continue to watch these amazing videos to get an answer. Thanks for sharing. ❤
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
I think physically & sexually are the same pillar. The physical realm has everything to do with the body. The one that may be the fourth pillar is Spiritually. That’s the realm of Spiritual connection…a very important piece in a relationship.
Im an anxious attatched and It really pains me that one has to deal with such. I'm in a 2 year 8 months relationship with DA and its so hard. He's very distant and doesn't want to communicate what's wrong. Sometimes he treats me like I'm not in his life. I'm very devastated by all of it because I love him but the way things are right now it's just heartbreaking. I'm at a point where I'm thinking of detaching... It's just a mess
Save your sanity and walk away loving yourself. A DA is not for the faint of heart. You deserve soo much better. Someone who truly loves and cares for you. You're worth so much more
I was like you. I almost destroyed myself for my ex-boyfriend. It's a cycle which doesn't end. Please cut it off. Now, I'm married with a wonderful man. In the beginning both of us where anxious, but now aren't anymore. In the beginning it was so confusing when someone runs towards me, ok in the beginning it was baby steps 😂 then running away from me. I finally feel safe and it's the most beautiful feeling ever. Wish you all the best ❤
Basically, many of them are highly manipulative, but they cannot even realize it, much less admit it. Even if someone acts without awareness, it doesn't exempt them from their responsibility, emotional in this case, and they can get really annoyed, even aggressive when they are confronted and hold accountable; they will probably try their best to deny it, which means they're gaslighting you.
I was in this dynamic. I personally don’t believe in attachment.. I believe in boundaries and needs. Never again will I be gaslight or manipulated to feel less or too much!
I have found out why some people may not be able to commit emotionally to their romantic partners. I think they outsource this need from their friends. That is probably also the answer for a question, how it is possible, that they may be single for a very long time. Communication about needs or boundaries didn't help me with them because they really valued their source of oxytocin. I think they do that because it feels very safe to love somebody else whom they don't have to commit to. And, in the end, they build a deeper connection with these friends instead of with you as a partner.
@@ruthr8990 I think ( yes, again, only my opinion based on my experiences and the books I have read ), that sex is at the end not such a big deal. Many people may have the best sex in their life + satisfied libido in its fullest and yet to choose masturbation here and there. And the very same person may easily cheat if behind sex are other needs, like peting their ego, or something like that. ( So for some people, yes, sex with their friend is also a way to go :( ). I think, that masturbation might be completely sufficient source of sexual fulfilment.
I totally agree what you said. Once they are romantically attached, the fear came up and they view their Romantic partners as risks in their lives. Communicating about your needs are not helpful because they don’t care. The more you communicate the more scared they are. I tried to be direct about my needs but ignored. I finally walk way and avoid the avoidants because they are subconsciously avoiding you and your love. They don’t deserve it then.
I'm so fortunate to have been presented with learning about attachment styles & how they affect & shape who we become. This video spoke volumes to me and I just truly appreciate the knowledge. At times I've gotten resentful and judgemental because I love someone who is an dismissive avoidant but reality is, it isn't his fault and that's just fact. I pray that he trust me enough some day to help him on his journey of healing. (Not my responsibility but I choose to be in his corner for support)
Truth. We can choose to take care of our hurts and not tolerate the abuse. If we stay, it’s out of our own dysfunctional behavior. We can’t control or change them. That’s a fantasy. Face the truth. Choose healing for you.
I disagree with your stance that I'm choosing to be abused out of my own dysfunctional behavior. I was introduced to attachment styles & theory by my therapist. I am very much so healed and supported to embrace accepting others as they are because there is no such thing as all human beings being perfect and healed. Let's be clear, just because I'm in a committed relationship with a dismissive avoidant doesn't mean I'm being abused or mistreated for that matter, he's endured his own childhood upbringing like everyone else and that's not his fault. I'm a secure attachment style and it's a beautiful thing to be able to love someone in spite of things they have no control of until they're made aware and ready to learn that there is a different way to live in the world. I can't change anyone, but I can spread my security to others. Thank you 😊
Thais, your PhD is a true one. I just found out today from clues my son gave me my wife of 34 years was in basically a continuing sexual and emotional relationship with her married paramour for most of 34 years. This began when my son was in diapers and my daughter was a year older. At one point they lived with his parents of another culture, and I had no idea except a passing intuition when I'd visit. It seems in a real sense, my son was "raised" by this fellow right under my Asperger's nose. I feel dumb. I guess a near-majority of 200 at her workplace knew this was going on, plus my then-young family. She would go to ethnic cultural parties on weekends when I had to work Friday and Saturday into the early morning hours . I was in the dark. I am 72 now. She is almost 18 years younger. We can't talk. We had one conversation. She never returned a call and a text. Ghosted. I watch many of your videos. I still wish I could reach her to take your courses with or without me. Her repression and psychic pain of emotions and vulnerability is incredibly sad. I told my son she looks as shell-shocked as Joe Biden in family photos. The rampant repression of emotion and vulnerability is all over the portraits. I am AP. In 2005, her abusive mother and my abusive father passed away within 3 months of one another. Klutzy me thought I'd open a heart-felt communion conversation which would bring us closer together. Her immediate response was, "what's to talk about? She's dead!" Well, that is the life. Thank You a lot for teaching about our 4 human styles. I can tell you, it's painful to so glaringly fail in this brief life. Your videos help me a whole lot. Thank You.
After being with a sociopath I was attracted to a dismissive avoidant. I was a little codependent before, not now....I feel like his personality forced me to learn and grow as a person. I feel more balanced, now waiting for him to grow or I gotta go, when you become aware of toxicity you can't continue being toxic. He still is and tries to pull toxicity out of me but this let's me practice emotional maturity. Handling my emotions makes it much easier to handle, or not handle, his. Communication is possible but you have to wait, wait for them to come back to their normal thinking, not survival mode thinking and I have to be aware when I'm in survival mode thinking. Everyone is different as far as time needed to not be triggered. Becoming aware is step #1, learn and feel your emotions...even shame....my whole body gets red but I take it, I let it happen, I deserve it and will learn from it. I new it would pass and it did. Im so proud of my growth and I hope he grows with me, but it is his choice and decision. I have plans either way.
@nitacollins3645 yes you can tell. When you become aware it is easy. Like being emotional immature, once you know you can stop yourself...with practice. It won't be overnight or easy. With awareness and practice, you can control it. I'm still with my avoidant partner(maybe a nars) so I get daily practice. I don't look at it as stress anymore but practice. Figuring out an escape plan does stress me.
@@carolynwebb8726 with mine I started having odd self sabotage and I left but, I have been very cut off and numb from my emotions and feelings. I wouldnt say they are immature. I went through chemo and his support was spotty. so I had some resentment built up. i was able to escape because my mom died. My health was really failing from stress. I feel bad for him too.
Don't hate me for saying this... but we have to remember we attracted them for a reason. Maybe we should start focusing some of that energy spent on them and put it into healing what attracted them to begin with.
Does this apply to adding labels? He labeled me as his girlfriend (which surprised me) and when I started joking about it, that pullback gave me whiplash.
Please have some self respect. If this person wouldn’t acknowledge they were gaslighting and manipulating me I would stop talking to them immediately. This is crazy to even entertain someone doing this to you. Would you want him to treat your future daughter that way?
@@shelbylauren4 hey, thanks for your kind words. This person I'm talking about has been my friend for about 6 years and he's slow slowing coming to terms that he's gay..... gay for me that is. I'm very familiar with all the mental health tricks and stuff sometimes I like to seek clariaction if I think I know what's going on. We are back from no- contact but eitherway He's not going far with anyone if he doesn't fix himself on ly he can do that.
So basically it comes down to being a secure person yourself and modeling the behavior that you want from that partner. I think it comes down to your partner truly loving you and themselves enough to do the work- that's the hardest part- not everyone has that capacity- or even if they do- it is painful to open up that way and expose their true pain. Usually a DA has had parents that were dismissive and avoidant. The interesting thing is that the DA has a huge capacity to love and I have seen it for myself- it's just scary for them when they do not see that being reciprocated. It can be complex since they may not perceive your love as genuine because the basis of theirs is contingent primarily on your reciprocity. We truly as a collective need to continue doing the work on ourselves irrespective of whether the partner you have is doing it or not. We need to become secure and whole on our own. The DA just like the AP, FA, and so forth has learned to be strategic and manipulative in ways where they are trying to get certain needs met. As a behavioral therapist I will always believe people CAN change, only to the degree that they are psychologically willing. Every single person as an EGO even the most selfless person. Majority of these comments are pointing out negative aspects of DA's or FA"s without considering that WE ALL have those aspects in lesser degree than another. Try to understand and be open to other people's lives and why they became the way they did- that's the only way to have a true breakthrough.
How did you all get through it? It’s so hard and I just felt so take aback and surprised by it all. The previous day was so sweet we went out with friends and everyone thought we were the cutest couple. But the next day: cold. And just ended it. Like as if from nowhere. I have no idea how to move from the loss of not only a lover but a friend. My best friend. I had a secure attachment and was confident. Until I wasn’t. Staying for that long actually broke me down. I now have an anxious attachment who still tried to communicate and work through it. And was dropped for it.
Don't question stupidity, don't try to understand or explain irrational behavior.. Your needs matter the most to you. Run as long as you can and work on yourself.
@@devilcat7991 Thanks. Yes, in the span of a month I’ve managed to turn inwards and deal with the issues left. Grow as an individual and be better overall. There really is no point trying to rationalize irrationality.
I thank you so much it's all true about them so why put up with it.there comes a time In life when you have to self reflect I don't get it with them if people are always leaving you and protesting about you being distant why can they not see that and work on that. For me I'm secure I work on myself everyday. So my take is you can't love someone who is afraid of it so leave them alone and keep your peace.
Why? They are self-serving. They put their image of "self" first. Not their true self, but their false self (true self minus what has been defined as unacceptable). That means their desires, impulses, and needs come first - always. If they do something kind you better believe there's something in it for them. They do not intuitively do anything that may be painful to their image of "self" even if there would be a better outcome because they have an extremely low tolerance for emotional pain (feeling ANY pain has been defined as weak and unacceptable). They block it by reflex - because "self" can't hold pain even for the sake of growth. It's like they have extremely sensitive skin so they walk around life wearing numbing cream (dismissive avoidance). If they learn the benefits of being able to hold pain they can grow, but many don't want to because it takes work, and regardless, they still get their short-term desires & impulses met even if they hurt people in the process. From what I've seen they have the hardest time identifying their own attachment style because of the things above - they will claim Secure. They only want to start to change once the backlash of the internal chaos from the stored emotions becomes too much. What they don't realize is that emotions don't "go away" or "disappear" by pushing them away. They get put in the bank, and each time a relationship explodes, the emotions from all previous explosions come back in full. IN FULL. We can only dismiss so much. If a person IS somehow able to dismiss to such a high degree, they are at risk of becoming COMPLETELY internally numb - a walking emotional zombie with no highs and no lows - anhedonic. Some do decide to be and stay single. That way those emotions stored in the bank don't have a chance to boomerang AND so they don't completely numb out. Both reasons are self-serving. Though that option is fine since they are helping themself and others, and they can still have the chance to engage in personal growth in settings with more mild degrees of emotional investment & intimacy. They make great friends, don't get me wrong, though from what I've experienced they need to work on themselves outside of a relationship since intimacy (even secure intimacy) IS A TRAUMA TRIGGER and can make them have emotional flashbacks (nausea, somatic pain, panic attacks, shutdowns, depression). That's in opposition of an Anxious attachment who can learn healthy habits (healthy detachment, boundaries, needs identification & communication) by BEING IN a Secure relationship - getting closer IS NOT A TRIGGER (distance is) to an Anxiously attached person in a Secure relationship. And usually getting closer & building intimacy over time serves a relationship. An unpredictable push-dynamic does not usually serve a relationship which makes it harder for a DA to learn.
"One of the biggest reasons people will end up making commitments to monogamous relationships has a lot with the emotional pillar." You can be committed in a non monogamous relationship. You can still be cheated on in a non monogamous relationship. It's how you define the rules of your non monogamous relationship. I once was lovebombed by someone into making me believe they wanted a non monogamous relationship with me (and I was completely fine with that) but it never went beyond a situationship because they were too afraid of the actual relationship part. I also felt betrayed in the end because words never matched with actions. This has nothing to do with monogamy.
I am so committed to health that I tell a new sexual partner that we should exchange tests results. Also I respectfully let my partner know if I intend to be with someone else. Its the lie that is a betrayal. The intention is negotiable but if I refrain from sex with others, it doesn’t make me monogamous. I think it boils down to being honest with yourself and partners. That is to me acting committed, secure and responsible. I discourage insecure ppl from being with me. Breakups are rarely about other ppl imo. And how you spend your time has to do with what you prioritize and what you are willing to risk.
I feel we had communication for a long time ..she shut down 8 months ago ..she gave up I could tell..2 weeks ago she wants a divorce. 27 years married ..crazy to me I still am in love with her!!
This video is for DAs who want to change their attachment style. I wouldn’t recommend these for current partners or ex partners seeking answers their DA (ex) partners won’t give them. It’s like walking in a minefield. Don’t go there.
Thanks. I really wanted to understand my partner so that we could have a better life. I didn't know the term for it, but he is of dismissive avoidance personality. It's a major issue of expression of interest in relationship and communication gap & miscommunication. Still looking forward to healing the situation rather than quitting the relationship
Hi Thais, I love the content of your videos. What I also noticed is the enthusiasm with which you want to share your knowledge. Thank you for that ! But may I give you a little advice ? Because of your willingness to share all this knowledge it looks like you’re having a tendency to tell so much at once that I’m having some difficulty with following what you say and at the same time process all that information in my mind. It even looks like you’re giving yourself hardly time to breath between sentences 😉. So my advice to you would be: please keep sharing your wisdom through these videos, but i think it would also help if you slow things down a bit every now and then. What’s your idea about this ?
I was an avoidant and became secure after being in therapy, not dating, and even embracing a celibate lifestyle for almost 12 years. However, I started dating an avoidant and let me just say, I paid back my karma. I’m back to being single but it doesn’t feel any different than being with an avoidant. I broke it off because it was just craziness disguised as love. It’s better to find a consistent, transparent, loving, and kind partner without all these psychological issues. I did the work on my own and stayed single because I was conscious enough to not bring anyone into my avoidant world at the time. Do not find other people for validation or love if you haven’t found it within yourself. If you like torture, date these people to learn that you deserve better than the breadcrumbs they give you.
I used to be a DA and was told by UA-cam videos that it’s about my family, but then I realize I was just a shitty person and I shouldn’t blame anyone, sure my family isn’t perfect but they’ve done their best and maybe some part of my childhood affected my behavior but childhood is “child”hood, there’s no excuse. If one wants to change they can change in a snap of a finger unless someone is putting a gun behind them and told them explicitly to be a DA lol. The only reason I can see not correcting such behavior is low intelligence and high indulgence from people around these DA
I'm a DA by choice because I got burned so many times from trusting my heart to others. I will never stick my hand into that basket of snakes again. My boyfriend is the same way and we get along great. The problem most people have with DAs is that they want more than what the DA wants to give and they make that the DAs problem. The answer is really quite simple, stop pressuring, guilt tripping, and badgering a DA to commit to you, be super lovey dovey, or make you the center of their lives. Just go be with someone who wants the same kind of relationship you want.
You say that now, but all humans thrive on deeper connections and deeper shows of affection as the relationship grows. What works for you ya'll as DA's will crumble in the future. At some point, one of ya'll will want more intimacy and the other person will run away. DA is a defense mechanism that expires after people outgrow it; if you don't shed the DA skin, it will burn your best relationships. No one is avoidant attached by choice, it's a defense mechanism that lights up after you're hurt enough, per your own admission. But it's up to you to heal from that pain.
As a self diagnosed DA with a very anxious ex, we often very much compounded our problems. I had some problems with opening up more and trying to discuss any issues I had with her, but whenever I did it often was met with defensiveness which then shut me down more. The issue with that is she wanted me to open up more, but my experience with her made me feel like I couldn’t😭 like she was basically trying to police my feelings about things. Idk man it lasted several years but finally broke
Or if you live a house with three people- "what you said yesterday really hurt my feelings..." 1- it's not my responsibility, that's just your preference and you should find a way to deal with it. 2- It wasn't my intention to hurt you, so I'm not going to apologise. 3- You're not making any sense, your words are all muddled up! That was in a Buddhist community 😂
OMG! This is my boyfriend ! He started of so loving and giving. Kind and compassionate. He is attentive to me in private. He was never into PDA in public, acted like we were not even a couple out in public. Then…months of no intimacy and we live together. I was so confused. Was it me? Was he no longer attracted to me! Did he want to see other people? All he said was”no” to. Was he having an affair? Again, no. He said he “just doesn’t think about it. This is absolutely no touching or kissing! I had to break down and tell him I wanted a boyfriend not a roommate. I’m almost 16 years in and I don’t even know this man’s favorite color! We run a business together and now to put me in my place…he will check out other women when I’m standing right next to him! I told him how disrespectful that is and humiliating and hurtful for me. So no touching and checking out other people. WTH have I been doing? Now I’m full of anxiety and stress because I am going everyday to see the same behavior over and over again. I’m so sad for him, he’d be a great friend. But this relationship thing is killing me!
Omg this is exactly what im going thru.... he says I'm "the best one for him" but has been my best friend... 90% of his time, falling asleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT on FT!! Yet in 3yrs, he went back to an ex, had a whole other chick thinking she was "special" too... I've cut him off a few times. He keeps coming back... this year he's given me MORE but STILL won't commit... ong PLEASE HELP ME!!! we have a deep bond but it's hurting me so bad that he won't commit, he gives me more since 2024 personally... but on social media shows me NO LOVE!!! AGAIN, PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Don’t be so quick to dismiss a DA. You need to have some patience and understanding if you truly care about them. I want to share something positive about a DA who is very close and dear to me. In this case conflict is by far one of the major reasons they will shut down. They absolutely can’t stand it. It will make them ill. You can see a physical change in them as well. Recently a family member of their’s was trying to take advantage of me. I wasn’t really worried about it however, it truly upset my DA and they decided to confront them on my behalf. I had assured them they did not need to and even told them that I understood how much they dislike conflict. Yet my DA insisted on handling the situation and they did so very well. Everything was resolved. I told them I really appreciated what they had done for me. Telling them that also made them very happy. This whole situation shows that they without a doubt have feelings.
Thank you for saying something positive here! I just recently learned that I may have a DA attachment style. I KNOW I’ve done some shitty things in my relationships. I will avoid conflict to the point of dissociating way too often and then later beat myself up for not just talking to my partner/friend/family/therapist about what’s going on in my head. Sometimes to the point of ghosting because I’m so ashamed of my own behavior and I can’t face them. It’s a hard spiral to get out of and really leaves everyone in a bad place. Luckily I do have enough self awareness to feel guilt and have a desire to change. I don’t believe I’m the victim in most of these situations, and I also don’t want to keep doing hurtful things. I’m really grateful to the people who’ve stuck by me, despite the fact that I clearly have an unstable attachment style. Thank you for showing that we’re not all just malicious assholes. We’re scared too. 🖤
@@sarahg7996 yeah, I think it's kinda unfortunate that people in these comments seem to paint us DAs as though we are all on some special level of evil, due to their personal experiences with some. I guess let's just focus on improving ourselves, picking out the good lessons and ignoring what's not helpful
While understanding attachment styles is helpful when navigating relationships, it does very little to address other key components of personality disorders. Everyone here is so quick to diagnose their SO as a DA, but few take into account that they, themself, could be the problem (e.g.: an AP putting undue pressure on their SO to conform to their demands, thus driving their partner away), or other factors such as narcissism, or PTSD, or substance abuse/addiction could be playing a role in the relationship. My point is, this subject is far more complex than assuming your SO has a particular attachment style and thinking you're qualified to diagnose them as such. PDS hasn't even begun to address how other complexities affect the way a person presents their attachment style or how we as individuals who might struggle with our own attachment styles and/or personality disorders respond to others. I have to wonder how many people commenting here are deeply insecure and/or self-medicating APs who do very little to adjust their own approach to relationships and assume the problem has been created by their SO. Think about it. Unless you've been living under a rock your whole life, this isn't your first relationship (assuming we're all adults here). Why did your past relationships fail, and what roll did you play in its demise?
Hello, thank you and many other commenters for this response. I especially liked what you mentioned at the end because, regardless of whether one is doing the breaking up or being broken up with - an AP breaking up with a DA, or even a DA breaking up with an AP - everyone has to do their part and realize the role they played
Wise up. In intimate relationships, you look after yourself & each other. APs should learn how to regulate their emotions. However, DAs need a lot more work to function in a relationship. Therefore, you should be looking at the plank in your eye.
@@Calbizzle I've leapt of the plank out of love for my partner, made various attempts to talk through our issues, and get caught in a loop because of combativeness or lack of comprehension. Over time, I just got super tired of having to explain myself when my routines and actions are very, very simple to me.
Actually, the relationship with the DA was my first. I'd never dated before. I was 19 and he was 26. The age gap was obviously my first mistake. After we first said "I love you" for the first time (by then I was 20) he ghosted me for months. It was a rollercoaster ride from the start, just a string of deeply painful moments punctuated by very rare moments of happiness. Because every time you're both happy they have to run away. I would never do it again. No offense to anyone.
Great video like always. However can you please get a better mic for audio. It's a bit hard to understand, almost like you're speaking into a metal can.
My DA, got in limmerence with another guy 2 years ago. She had an emotional affair. At the end she left me saying, that smth. is missing. I fucking did everything right in those 6 years. My patience was my downfall. Iam done with her. Never ever i will date an DA. Its not worth it. You can bring a horse to the lake. But you can not make it drink
Could you be more specific about what happened?? What do you mean, limerance with another guy? I am really curious about this because I feel I have a very similar situation going on, and it's happened about 6 or 7 times over a two year relationship.
@@ericdedionisio8236 they obsess over someone real or fictional without getting truly close to them so their wounds won't get activated. They do it to maintain a fantasy that no human can live up to aka avoidance. It seems harmless to them anyway.
My DA ex recently reached out to me after over a year. We've been hanging out a lot, she'll flirt & talk about things that point towards a future...but whenever things are great she reminds me she doesn't want a relationship, ever. We were almost intimate but she said she didn't feel I could maintain the just friends boundary. I feel she just wants the benefits of me around bc she gets upset when I say I'm not going to be friend zoned by someone I was once in a relationship with. We haven't spoken for a few days. I have no idea whether to walk away or see if it develops into something?
Having been through a similar situation, I would say that you would both have to be willing to accept your part in the relationship not working and to commit to work on yourselves individually and together. Not an easy task.
She's playing you, dude. Sounds like she just likes your attention, and it also sounds like she's escalating things between you and then saying you can't maintain the boundary. This is a very unhealthy dynamic. It's not easy, and I'm sorry you're going through this, but the best course of action is to walk away.
Exact same situation for me (FA) and my DA ex. I had to stop being physical with him because of the emotional toll it was taking on me. I want to work things out slowly but after reading a lot of these comments maybe I’m just holding on to someone that is not right for me even if I love them. Letting go is the hardest part but you have to put your needs first and find someone who meets them.
@@cornwallismorgan874I'm not sure it counts as playing when she sounds pretty up front to me about what she wants. She's pretty clearly communicated that she wants friends with benefits, and even stopped that when she thought the other person couldn't handle it. That's empathy- a jerk would have let it play out and not cleared things up. To OP- As always, what matters is what works for you. She's not wrong to want FWB. It would be wrong if she pretended otherwise. And now it's your choice- do you want that? It sounds like no. It's not wrong for you to say, this isn't what I want, and not take part. It's just a case of two people wanting different things. As long as both are being honest, there's no bad guy here.
There can be several reasons or causes that make people become DA's. Be it bad parents, broken unloving home, religion, physical, mental and/or physiological malfunctions/issues. I know it well and so many others do too.
youj can also inherit it from a person with DA, if you were married or dating. so a secure Att style can develope DA traights, or a AP developing into FA.Reasons for this is not healing properly after a seperation or a break up. hence going into no contact and shadow work, think thoughts through untill the ruminations stops, usually a year or so. NEVER rebound after and during healing process, esp during the anger stage. limerance that produces the two drugs are nice, but devastating long term. i can imagine it messess with empathy, esp when going through greivence during the healing process. ya sure DAs had it since childhood, but make it worse during their adulthood like 30 and 40s. just think... the rise of mgtow is do to DA weman. DA weman fueling femism, DA people and D.E.I.
I've been going through it for 2 years....every time I'm ready to give up and walk away , she breadcrumbs me just enough....it's stupid and I don't even know why I'm stuck on a chick that doesn't put any real effort and energy into me....
@@karinadelacruz7147 You will probably never know. You may not have done anything at all. They might be just doing their thing. Yes, it will make you feel emotional but your lesson is to learn how to be more self-sufficient and more enthusiastic and supportive of the DAs need for space and time then attract them in with your positivity. You can still check in with them and ask how they are doing. They like routine, so if you can find a routine that works for you both together that will work. I have to advice you though that if you get emotional and throw a hissy fit, then the DA's distance will just perpetuate. That's how the cookie crumbles with the DA / AP style. Just saying from experience lol. Like the experience I am in right now as having been part of a DA / AP duo the last year and half.
I keep getting panic attacks when someone professes love to me.. I eventually end up telling them how broken I am and slowly block them out and then eventually when I feel they are gone and having fun with someone else I try coming back into their life and then I feel hurt that they have moved on.. What’s wrong with me 😢?
I love your videos but didn’t you mention giving suggestions on how to deal with a DA at the beginning of this one? Did I miss it? Also I’m seeing someone who fits the pattern but who is very close to his parents, who spends a lot of time with them and they are very loving towards each other. Is there any other possible cause outside childhood?
maybe now they have that type of relationship but it wasn't like that on their childhood. Also, a 'loving' relationship doesn't necessarily mean a relationship where his attachment needs were met. Parents usually love their children but are unable to meet their emotional needs. And I'm not 100% percent sure of this, but maybe he was secure until a certain time, where he experienced an unhealthy relationship or multiple relationships that triggered his avoidant side.
Since there are no suggestions for healthy people exept to leave she cannot offer any. We are just beeing told how truly sensitive and hurt die DA are...I can't listen to that anymore.
@lauren95531 According to him it's always been loving. And when he talks about not being able to connect with people it pains him that this affects all his relationships including his family. There was a painful relationship in his past, but he never talked about it. Anyway, we're done now. FA and DA is a really bad combo.
I thought both our attachment was secure and then he asked me to be his girlfriend and broke up with me in less than a week and skipped my birthday and said I can’t give you what you need. Now he’s a stone cold ghost.
Too many people here complaining about DAs yet we were the ones that were attracted to them because of our unconscious desire for emotionally unavailable people. DAs also have a difficult life and their own set of challenges, and they're also worthy of love. I personally won't date a DA again, I prefer FAs, APs and SAs, but there's no point in me complaining about the way DAs are. You aren't actually complaining about them, you're complaining about yourself.
People are complaining about DAs because they don't show up as DAs until you are emotionally invested. The dating & honeymoon phases are naturally swell. Then they shut you out. Blow hot, then cold, then warm, hot, outright icy. No one is attracted to that at the outset. Let people whose emotions got played be pissed for a bit before they move on. Live & learn.
You can do both. Dismissive Avoidants are absolutely worthy of major criticism. These people are in a way, dealing with a lot of hurt and can and often do indeed hurt others. But indeed, people dating unavailable people certainly show that they have deep wounds too.
well let’s see,he pursued me. he made it a relationship and said he wanted to be there for me and my kids and he was the first to say I love you and shortly after that guy I fell for disappeared and a lazy,passive,cold,flakey,non-empathy having,frigid in bed,no compassion,entitled and selfish person took that guys place. After me breaking it off for the 3rd time and trying to get back he refused saying I didn’t treat him with respect and that his efforts weren’t appreciated when he literally did nothing. I started out super calm,sweet,compassionate when asking him to communicate about anything at all or just not denying me affection on his whim or the number of things I felt unhappy about and he would never even attempt to compromise or change anything and no apologies for it either. Anything at all that I asked of him was too much. He wouldn’t let me love him and he wasn’t willing to love me the way I wanted to be loved. He thought his time was good enough and literally nothing else.
Thais, could you please make a video about the correlation between dismissive avoidant attachment style and what used to be known as Asperger's? I noticed that there are more than a few similar traits.
People with autism especially if diagnosed later in life often have an unhealthy attachementstyle as their needs weren't met as children. But this can be any of the attachementstyles. Avoidants tent to be indirect and avoiding expressing their feelings and make room for yours. Autism is often correlated to being very direct and blunt and honest about their thoughts and feelings althow it often does takes more time to actually feel their feelings or understand the big picture. There are different degrees in empathy and in autism it is often different expressed but can often be as much as having more empathy than general. It's often why looking in the eyes can feel as too much information. Anyhow it's not the same.
@@florencecattedrale2083 Sorry, what?? How am I "stereotyping and devaluing"? I'm just asking Thais if there is a correlation. I'm not even stating there is one, much less making a judgement of value... I wonder where all that aggression of yours is coming from. Maybe you are a DA and someone suggested you might have autism? If so, there is no shame in either of those things. I believe I am slightly autistic myself, and I'm secure/AP, so there you go.
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Dating a DA was most confusing and hurtful experience to me and breakup felt like coming off drugs
You had a soul tie plus he played you.
It rips your heart out.
@Danilaroche1156 ...what a trite an insensitive thing to say. If you weren't there.. and are not a licensed health professional, you can't accurately sum up someone else's relationship in one dismissive statement.
@@marlenamartin8437 I didn't mean to be insensitive. I've been there. Lord, heal the pain .Trust me, I've BEEN there. Regardless, dismantle soul ties.
This is my first time. I'm 2 months in. It's very confusing and extremely disrespectful most times. It's very similar to being in a relationship with a narcissists. I get those same warning feelings/flags. Something isn't right, just can't put my finger on it and it doesn't feel good.
the dismissive avoidance will drive you to a breakdown and change your behavior. Walk away from these people until they have a paradigm shift of humility and self awareness
I couldn’t agree more.
And it may take a lot for them to experience.
A lot more than it would other people to gain humility,
As a child of a DA with no insight regarding their behavior patterns or desire to change it, it’s a living nightmare. Not saying people can’t improve, but the extreme measures required to get them to acknowledge a mirror is not beyond taxing. Some must be loved at very great distance
I agree, been there, i had a mental breakdown after a breakup with a DA, i had severe depression and anxiety for almost a year after the sudden breakup. Before that i had no psychiatric issues, and none since then.
Agree
@@jessicajackson1200 May I ask? (if you don't mind of course) after a year you were emotionally regulated to where your mental health was back to balance and positive? Did you consciously work towards this? Or was it a "time heals" process? Would be very interested into any insight and the experience of transforming the "stuck " feeling. Thanks
If they don't wanna put in the work, walk away!
I did
What Lily-livered sons of guns they can be. It's trauma, but we all have trauma to work through. No one gets an exception card. Luckily relationships with them are optional
yes yes yes !!!! Took me a YEAR to figure this out w/my last partner. I made a lot of excuses for him (he's got trust issues, he's struggling financially, he grew up in poverty THAT WAS REALLY dysfunctional). While ALL of that IS true--he has REFUSED to even consider therapy "it's too hard!" he's said more than once. Yeah, therapy IS hard...but, when what you're dong over & over again doesn't worki, what's the alternative? We're no longer in a romantic relatonship--are "friends"--but, some of the SAME issues still pop up! I'm focusin g on what ICAN LEARN ABOUT MY OWN PATTERNS--becuase I PICKED this guy & stayed. That's on me.
@@LisaFenton-h7fThey tend to stay Victims so they don’t have to do the inner emotional healing on their selves. Married to one. If they don’t take accountability for their actions that hurt others, they will not ever change. FAs cannot change them, heal thyself as well.
Amen. I had to literally set a "walk away date" in my calendar. Though my love is far reaching, it is coming to depletion levels, because I get no love back. If she doesn't come to the party, I will simply walk away and probably be happier, because she is in extreme denial about her issues. It's a lose lose if that happens, but while I'm a great catch, she has major issues and never made any major discoveries or help seeking, since she can't agree with the entire consultation, or book, because a few lines or sentences didn't apply to her. I had an emotional breakdown knowing I'll miss her while she visited while I was on a long term deployment, and instead of any emotional support, she said stone cold, "don't cry". I literally stopped mid cry, because I've never seen anyone so cold hearted while pouring out my bleeding heart for her. She made me anxious, while I was secure for the last 6 years.
I’ve never forgotten a conversation from interacting with a DA. We were just randomly having a convo about love and connection. He believes your screwed if you get married. Why have relationships when you get the same from friends and family? I said to him ‘it’s a different kind of love’ not thinking much about it. Couple weeks later his close friend and his wife went through a tragic loss and he came to me to ask what to do because he didn’t know. I said to him, you don’t have to say or do anything. Just being present with them and listen will let them feel your support. He did and he later said to me “in the hospital when I was watching my friends I seen what you meant when you said it’s a different kind of love.” I was taken back but never said anything. I could always feel deep down he was a kind and caring man and his actions even though they hurt did stem from trauma. Im not saying it’s an excuse to put up with bs but his interaction with me made me feel sad to think that as a little boy he was emotionally neglected and he never knew what it felt like to receive the love every child deserves to feel.
Yeah, that's really sad and tragic but also an insightful story. From my understanding of DA's behaviour they just don't know how true bonding and love between couples work because they just never experienced it within their own family background. So they need to learn and then they will grow. We all have childhood wounds. It's sad to think about how many people in Western culture are so traumatised by having generational family patterns where the parents didn't truly love each other or their children, when they were married just for convenience, then now in the modern era, people just have sexual friends with benefits style relationships and nobody really bonds or even trusts each other any more. I think a lot of families were traumatised by the two world wars also with parents in the modern era rebelling against their parents who had ptsd from the war, then modern society was telling everyone not to get married and just make love outside of wedlock and how independent women should be, just to get them into the factories as cheap labour. Then leaving us with whole generations of children who were neglected by their mothers with fathers who were never really there. We need more traditional family values in the modern age to help our society heal.
That’s what keeps so many people in connections with them. They see that traumatized little kid and wish they could heal them and give them the love they didn’t receive. Sadly it rarely works out like that.
@@MeAnINFP because they don’t see themselves that way, it would be miserable to view your own personality traits as a result of being unloved. any more than an anxiously attached person sees themselves as someone who wasn’t given enough consistency and space to learn to rely on themselves, even though it’s also true.
Not knowing the difference between familial love and romantic love does not make someone a DA. What was it about that person that caused you to jump to the conclusion they are a DA? Too many people here are "diagnosing" people as DAs without knowing that person well enough to be qualified to make such an assessment, or without taking into consideration how their own attachment style (e.g.; AP) and/or personality disorder (narcissism, BPD, substance abuse/addiction, etc.) could drive someone away. It's easy to assume someone's a DA when they don't give you the attention you think you deserve. That doesn't mean they are. Be careful before you start making assumptions about a person's childhood. You're treading into territory you don't belong, and that will cause even the most secure people to push you away.
This was eye opening thank you. The constant tug of war feeling of being patient vs giving up is hard for those giving the DA’s a chance.
OMG, this is exactly my person. Right off the bat he was acting like we're in a relationship and it actually got me excited. But when it comes to commitment, nothing. That's why I checked out. I'm a secure attachment and this is a project I don't want to take on. I love him a lot but that doesn't mean I need to be in a romantic relationship with him.
Im with you. Have to love him from a distance
Wise decision.
WOW!!! This is exactly what happened to me… in the end we broke up.
I had one texting me every a couple of hours a day for two years in pandemic but don’t want to meet up afterwards. 😂 he thinks I was a chatbot AI:) after a year and a half detaching I told him that I respected your decision not to meet up and pls respect my decision of no contact from now on😂 am happy without him 😂
@@ruthr8990 Did you never go on cam with him?
Worst 7 months of my life. It felt like being on coke. The two extremes, there was no better high but the low was always righg around the corner. They will leave you drained, heart broken, and confused. They also have zero empathy.
So damn true. After 24 years, my DA left me. Made me feel that I couldn't connect with her emotionally. She said that over the years. When she cheated on me, she emphasized how she felt so connected to the person. Good luck to him. It has been a rollercoaster.
@@goingballistic495I'm so sorry.
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
Amen👏
Right, but as an FA who also does these things but doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the person in front of me…along with less detached views about relationships in general .. why is a title even so important…for some sense of security? Couples split up, people get divorced, houses are sold etc…sometimes the pressure for a title actually ruins the chance for true intimacy imo, and especially for people like some unhealed DA and FA who need to go very slow.
Although I’m extreme , rarely date and don’t pretend to be in relationships or string people along so I dunno. But it seems there’s no middle ground out there between hookups and serious for us who need to go slow
@@Nightswim_ you can go slow even with a title.
For me it was the opposite. I got the girlfriend title quickly but most of the time he didn't act like my boyfriend, he was not sure about me, didn't want to delete the dating app, never introduced me as his gf (I met some friends), didn't want to put in work to resolve our issues or have deep conversations. Maybe the titles are too much for them, they don't know how to sustain a relationship.
'' The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words.'' - !!!!! yes
Breaking up is much less painful than being in a relationship with an avoidant. Let that sink in.
It took me forever, but i finally moved on from my DA/neglectful narc ex. My god what an ordeal that was, it nearly broke me! Now I understand what everyone always says in the comments - NEVER AGAIN will I go for a DA, *unless* they are already actively working on themselves with therapy.
Amen never again
Oh God, DA and neglectful narc?? I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, for whatever length of time.
@@cornwallismorgan874 thank you 💜 i really appreciate your comment because it was hell - i had my days of just barely making it through work and coming home and collapsing on the floor crying and just not wanting to go on. it was horrible and ripped open wounds i didn’t even know i had. Butttttt now coming out on the other side, it has helped me grow tremendously. In the future though, I’d rather learn those lessons an easier way 😅
@@instagamrr That's certainly the ideal! As hard as it is to admit, we need our wounds ripped open from time to time so we can keep healing and growing.
I had a somewhat similar experience with an FA narcissist who was very abusive to me, so I can understand that process. But we made it through, and that's what matters. :) With time and learning will come more ease in recognizing these types of people early on without the personal experience part!
No don’t say unless. Never again!
The prob with all the advice for understanding DAs is that they generally spend zero time doing the same (except maybe the ones at PDS). By the time you get anything in return for all your effort toward them it feels like you spent months shopping for your own Christmas presents, wrapped them yourself, did all the work for the holiday festivities, bought your own card, and let them sign it- and THEN to validate your DA you had to throw them a whole ass parade and shower them with gratitude because they signed the card, which they then receive as meaning that's all they ever have to do. Now take that feeling and imagine that being your future for your entire relationship. For me, I'll never do it again regardless of how many ways there are to "make it work." The juice is just not worth the squeeze.
Amen
Amazing analogy
Sadly, not too far from the truth for me and a recent ex DA. He didn’t know what to get for me Xmas (after 2 years together) so he suggested paying for whatever I chose, and I did and then I wrapped it myself. I tried to get him to come with me to choose something but he said I’d know better. He got upset when I said it was thoughtless and ignored me for a week over Xmas and new year because ‘I deserved it’ for criticising him. Being with a DA nearly destroyed me and has taken me 6 months to even start feeling better though I’m grateful for the all the wounds that it brought up which I’ve been healing through PDS and somatic work, and sadly still feel very much love towards him. He was devastated when I ended it but I had to choose myself. 😢 He just said he was incapable of relationships and wish he could be what I needed but wasn’t willing to do any work on himself.
I think it's also a myopic approach to a human being. We are beyond complex. This doesn't regard social engagement deficits or neurological issues. So a person attempts to approach another for internal conditions that can NEVER change because their nervous system becomes overloaded not due to attachment style, because they lack a protein, or they have been masking to engage romantically. All I hear is undiagnosed autism.
@@alchemicalsoul interesting take
Dismissive Avoidant here. Self-awareness goes a long way. I started learning about attachment theory around 2017, and it really opened my eyes to a lot of thinking and behavioral patterns that were healthy vs unhealthy, and I started working very hard at re-organizing myself to be more secure. It can be a slow process, but change/growth is very possible if a person wants to be self-aware and wants to work on themselves. I have had relationships since then that were good in many ways, and though they ended, it was not as a result of my attachment style.
Whatever a person's problem is, being self-aware about it and accepting there's an issue is step one. If a person can do that, growth is possible. If not, cut your losses and don't waste your time.
Im proud to say I walked away. Never again.
I like the part about them holding grudges or resentment due to not being able to resolve conflict. When my DA ex and I split up, he said he didn't want to experience this (the conflict we had been having + the feelings that came up with it) anymore and he didn't know how to fix it. I had been trying to do inner work as an FA, but it really felt like I was left to do all the work while he just expressed his disappointment and pessimism.
Sorry, but is your attachment style, Fearful Avoidant & you’re with/ were involved with a DA? I just listened to the audio, Attachment & studies revealed that AAs never succeeded with other FAs or AAs because they lacked the glue to stay present in relationships
It’s nonsense to think you can heal in a unhealthy dynamic. Heal alone, once you know your boundaries and needs you will never be stuck in confusion and anxiety with an unhealthy individual again! Good luck!
@@caroshmarowan AA/ FA pair will have more glue than DA/ AA pair in my opinion. FA has strong anxious side , though they’d lean more avoidant . FAs like me don’t necessarily want to be smothered with love all the time. The DA will take it but probably leave you just as quickly 😆
@@Nightswim_ That’s so interesting. I thought the FA & the AD were the same. I’m wondering if you can swing between attachment styles. I was not an AA until I fell hard for my now ex DA. Thanks for your comment 🌷
@@caroshmarow Well FA's have both anxious and avoidant sides so you can lean more to one side depending on who you're with and how they affect you. For example, I leaned more avoidant when I dated an AA and then leaned more anxious when I was with a DA
Perfect upload timing. The ex DA was apparently happily moving on to someone else. But I need to remember, if he's unhealed she'll have the same problems I did.
YES! Trying to tell myself as a DA told me we should break things off just this morning 😂
It's messed up really. After the honeymoon phase, it will be the same script different cast
@@Calbizzle Someone else's problem now!
Exactly. When I look at my DA now, out of the relationship, I realize what was exceptional is how close he did let himself get to me, not that he then gradually backed off and reverted to type, which I found so difficult and confusing.
@@roselandpetalsyea, they're bad in bed. Good luck.
My DA moved away then got ahold of me. Flew me out to see him... told me he loved me. Talked me into moving where he was. I went there and he changed... back to the old jerk he was before. Wouldn't touch me... refused to be close to me... created drama... 5 days later I left. He didn't even care to see if I made it back ok. He can't communicate at all. Silence is how he answers Any of my questions. I quit my job and then paid my way back no help from him... sat and watched me pack up. Said he did love me... yeah for a moment... more like he doesn't love anyone but himself.
I think he has deeper issues than being a DA; If he’s even a DA?!…
🦋
@kimlarso6363 seems to me he's a DA or a narcissist or a total asshole. Either work.
Yes, my DA did that to ex wife
Why these guys always get the good women
I was one inch from moving when discarded. This scenario is real.
He kept telling me he loved me and how he wanted to marry me and grow old with me, until he suddenly didn't. I was blindsided
One hour earlier we had the big talk of me moving soon, and the whole financial setup, everything, and he had tears of happiness in his eyes because I would relocate.
And then he discarded me.
Never got any explanation. Called him a month later to get some closure; he was laughing and asking me why I was still crying. Then suggested we get back together 'since we were never really broken up'
No apology, no explanation, he literally thought we could continue as if nothing happened. Said 'he just had a bad day'
I have blocked him now on all platforms and gone into therapy
My experience with DA's.. family and friends alike is that their struggles with vulnerability, poor emotional modeling and high sensitivity to criticism means that you will almost always be walking on eggshells with them. Whereas on the contrary, their struggle with empathy means they will not recognize when they infact do the same thing to you. It is a tough bond to build especially when conflict resolution is also a struggle for them and a partner or friend will always feel like they are climbing walls with them. In my opinion, DAs are not for the faint of heart. Even those who are working on themselves still need a lot of patience and tolerance from their partners. But especially for those that can not recognize their patterns am sorry to say its just better to love them from afar. It can be draining, and much as we sympathize with their trauma, everyone has some kind of trauma to a degree. But accountability is still important, and we all need to at least make an effort for ourselves first before others can make efforts on our behalf.. thats just my take on it. 🤷
Well said, I agree. Interacting with this individual made me back insecure and anxious and still healing from it
Well spoken
Even a strong person should know when to call it quits. We only get one life & DAs are rarely the right people to use up your energy on
Very well thought of comment. This describes it so accurately.
You discribed a light version of a narcisist. Like, its a spectrum and so, from like 7 to 10 you have narcisistic personality disorder. A 7 can go back to 6 but the others only can have control .
You just described someone who is a 6, to say the least. Even the traumas that D.A and Narcs got woke by are THE SAME. Threat a Narc as a D.A can cause a LOT OF PAIN so for your own health, think on them as narcisists and IF they prove theire not, then go slowly.
Men, women, please avoid these types of people. They will really hurt you so much. No matter what you do, they will break you down. Terrible experience.
It's true......avoid them.
I'm a DA and I'm curious about what you mean by break you down. Please explain if you don't mind.
They view others who allow themselves to be vulnerable with them as weak
@@MeeCee5204i ran into a severe mental health crisis; anxiety & depression. She is not taking any responsibility for her behaviors and doesn’t seem to do any work for herself.
@@MeeCee5204friend from another country that I knew for 5 years who enjoyed time together with me has been here for the last 2 years. I helped them find a job, pay for school, work on their car. That whole time I kept asking about doing something together and they kept leading me on. Eventually found out they spent all their time with people from school. When I said I wished we talked more I was treated like I was nothing, like I was a monster. They couldn't find 30 minutes to spend with me in 2 years, and instead say they never wanted to be so close. You can't help but feel like trash when someone treats you like trash.
The last time I messaged my DA, I told him that I wasn't able to forgive him yet for the pain that he continuously put me through and that I was still hurting as a result of his avoidant behavior towards me. He was so hot and cold with me, even though he was the one that chased me to begin with.
I don't regret telling him those words because he needs to know that what he did to me was not fair, nor was it okay.
We are now in NC for 6 weeks. I'm feeling better, even though the past hurt still haunts me. I know I will get through this, and I hope that he does the inner work that's needed in order to never treat his future partner the same way he treated me again.
They will waste your time for months then want you to date other ppl then you do and they get upset, but they push you away
And the beat goes on I know a few people who have dated Dismissive and they cheated on them because they don't make an effort. I know because when I dated one I wanted to cheat I just wanted to be loved and talked to did not care much about the sex part they will push you to do that I don't care what know one says we all need to feel wanted.
True, but cheating would make you the smaller person
Yep. My ex who is a DA told me to date other men, then I had one outing with an ex from 2019, he still gets in his feelings about it.
Oh yes, it's terrible to hear from someone that you are with and invested emotionally and helping him heal from an injury for example to not delete your online account on dating site. I was so blind before
@@sheliasmith2884I 100% agree with you on this. They breadcrumb you. They make you feel like you are the crazy one. All you want is that love and connection and SEX especially. They rarely want to do it. It's a horrible experience. When i want to communicate or talk things out dit my DA gf, she always sees it as me attacking her or fighting with her. You can't talk to these people. Because they are always right. They are only amazing in the honeymoon stage, and that's about it.
I’ve been in a relationship with a DA for 10 years. I’m just now understanding this language which helps me sort out the mess that this attachment style causes. These people are a nightmare. One typical pattern that has happened repeatedly is he gets mad over some perceived criticism and is ‘done’ with me, acts like an ass and refuses to discuss anything. After a few days he comes to his senses and apologizes. When I don’t immediately forgive him and act as if everything is ok immediately, he gets mad AGAIN and refuses to speak which makes me furious and causes me to say all the hurtful things I’ve swallowed repeatedly which then causes him to cut further contact PLAYING THE VICTIM and acting as if I’m the abusive one for saying hurtful things out of anger. There’s no accountability on their part regarding the damage they’ve caused by their constant stonewalling and shifting of blame etc. These people are infuriating. I have so much anger and resentment but I’m mostly angry at myself for allowing someone to treat me this way.
You just described my relationship of 8 yrs. He has ruined me and seems to love to hurt me especially when I'm at my lowest point already. I know I don't deserve this treatment. I just can't wrap my head around a grown person who can't take accountability for their awful actions and treatment of the person who loves them the most. This is the worst cycle of toxic abuse I have ever dealt with and all the while he acts like he is the victim. I wish I could just flip a switch and not allow him to affect me so much...still haven't figured that out.
We represent the parent that neglected them or treated them like shit so all the anger and hurt and revenge gets directed at us instead of their f’d up parents. I’m so over this bs.
@@CompostBushomg… me rn… and she gott my name on her chest… went to jail over her bs… and back at it again getting us a new nice place out of a bad one she had before I came along… just told her she should leave when she gets home tonight
Hi I just also realised I am with DA for more than 10 years and found that I am also anxious attachment person as soon as I found this everything made sense but now I have this anger and resentment in me and I am almost grieving for my lost years.I thought it was not normal to feel this angry but as I can see other people are going through the same
OMGG this is exactly me and my boyfriend!! I would try to discuss problems with him and have a proper conversation like the adults that we are! but he would refuse to listen or talk about it I would cry and he wouldn’t give a shit so I start getting mad and saying hurtful stuff to him now Im the bad guy! then he would leave the apartment for days giving me the silent treatment!!
Wow, I'm currently dealing with a DA and these comments are spot on. WOW,JUST WOW
Yeah and please RUN if you still can!
@@devilcat7991 I have. It's been a month since we've spoken.
The most confusing, emotionally draining, triggering, frustrating, TOXICCCC 9 months of my life.
Would've NEVER expected things to turn out like this based on how it started.
It was difficult at first, but sooooo thankful it's over for the most part.
Breadcrumbing is manipulative, controlling, a power play, immature, selfish, arrogant and demeaning.
Is it really possible that someone can lead another along and not be aware of the feelings of their victims?
Only someone who lacks or has low empathy.
We DAs operate from protecting ourselves. We see us being the vulnerable ones and those trying to get into our lives and emotions as interlopers in a territory they are not yet welcome or invited. We don’t act cold to “punish”, it’s a response to feeling overwhelmed by another’s need for our energy and emotions that we like to keep to ourselves unless we feel completely safe. I have secure attachments with my siblings and friends. I’m super friendly and outgoing. It’s the attachment to my parents and consequently to male romantic relationships that I am avoidant. I still get lonely and long for love but need so much space and freedom, but despite the fact that I’m monogamous and loyal, most men won’t agree to what I need and when they crowd me, I resent it. What a cycle to live through every single time. I’m working on my DA attachment but so much emotion happens on a unconscious level, I can’t keep up sometimes and just leave.
@@jacl1923 so said you are working on yourself.
What have you done?
What is working?
If something you did has worked, how and why did it work?
@@jacl1923 protecting yourself by hurting others is pretty shitty tho.
@@jacl1923if the Da’s I have ever been involved with or heard others have, presented themselves as you have described, instead of the bait and switch painfully manipulative intermittently reinforcing gut wrenching but previously exhibited warm receptive engaging empathic giving attentive and emotionally intelligent qualities that seem to evaporate once the other person has been led to feel safe and falsely, to become vulnerable- I don’t think any of us we be here writing these heart breaking comments
I needed this today. I walked away from a situationship with a DA last year. Its was the most confusing thing ever. Everyone knew me as his girl, we had communicated with each other like we were bf/gf, etc. I knew it wasnt a 'hes just not that into you' situation. I walked away and it killed me. I managed to moved on with someone new but when that ended (for the best)... All these unresolved feelings and anxiety from the avoidant i walked away from last year came up. It has me feeling wo pathetic and stuck. I heard that he had actually been upset when i told him that i couldnt do what we had been doing but i imagine he probably found distractions. How do i release the feelings? Im an FA. We had a lot of overlapping spots in the city that i avoid now
Kudos to you for actually waking away. Situationships almost always end up with 1 person wanting/expecting more based on the seemingly progressive interactions but then get stunned by the brick wall that a DA is.
What I've learned is to just get busy. Like literally start working on your goals small first, then the big goals. Achieving the smaller goals will help boost your esteem faster so that you're equipped to tackle the more complex goals.
Since you've chose to avoid the mutual places, start thinking of this healing phase as an opportunity to explore new places that you will then be able to introduce to your next partner.
Travel is also a great way to start healing. I've found that once you literally move yourself out of the physical spaces that may remind you of the DA or the spaces that you're depressed in, the traveling really refreshes your mindset.
You'll be so busy with improving yourself, that you'll not only be ready and receptive for a new more aligned partner, but you'll also have a better and newfound love for yourself.
Before you know it, you'll be doing that Tobey Maguire strut he did on Spiderman. 😆
Best of luck
I just left a similar situation after four years. I was avoiding places/restaurants that we had visited too. Then one day I just said, no, I'm not gonna let him ruin this favorite place for me. So now I go to these places alone, and push out any thoughts of he and I there. It's been working so far. Best wishes for fast healing! It's very hard.
Three and a half years with an unknown DA. Showed her many videos, she said “that’s my life!!!” Never wanted to get professional help, even when I split the cost, for as long as it took. When I stood up for myself, you know it, another breakup, but I stayed in No Contact. Deepest, most long-lasting pain in my life, just drained emotionally, physically, spiritually. You give until you have nothing left, then they leave. Still not over it, not even open to dating another DA, let alone planning a marriage with one.
My DA ex told me she was walking on eggshells when i asked her to put alittle more effort. This was after we went 3months without meeting and she was 3minutes away from me. She always had an excuse and when i brought it up she literally said that she didn't like the complaints.
My DA and I live 28 minutes away from each other but he would not make time to see me for 4 months, making 4 months of excuses for why he couldn't see me instead. Every time we were clearly getting closer, he would then back away and drop out of contact for days, sometimes weeks, and then a couple of times for over a couple of months, the longest time being this 4-month period I'm speaking of. I finally had to walk away.
Wowowow mine told me the samething after I kept checking her for her insults she had no filter always had something negative to say. She like it's like walking on eggshells mmm no how about u just respect me.
You wasted your time
Yes do that for your self. I did it gradually and it was a year and a half of detaching and finally told him to leave me alone. I am fine without him. You can do it too.
It’s so hard. It’s not even two months. Damn it hurts!😢
The thing about them being afraid of being trapped with certain behavior they don’t want to deal with is accurate, a DA said something along the same lines after we had an argument about following through with plans for a visit. Then he canceled altogether because he was afraid I might get mad again over something while staying over his place (I wouldn’t have, it was specifically about the plan issue). They don’t want to take the chance.
Thank you for sharing
Very clear and helpful for better understanding attachment styles as wounds and not as misbehaviour. How various forms of links can compensate each other helps to better understand their behaviour. Conflict resolution is no doubt a major aspect of avoiding vulnerability, commitment and the feeling of being dependent on unreliable others. Marshal Rosenberg’s work can perhaps be helpful.
Walk away from that nonsense. You are going to break your own heart when he/she nonchalantly decides to commit to somebody else.
@@nymeria5013 They stopped messaging me over a month ago with no explanation (besides they were busy or whatever). So nothing to stop I guess, although I did hurt myself. They made it clear they decided against a relationship and we were only “friends” at this point anyway. Hoping this was finally enough to break my habit of getting hurt by getting attached to DAs and having weak boundaries. I did react frustrated twice about plans with them by being abruptly direct because they were so elusive about them and it was more complicated then it had to be. They made sure to shut it down real quick and admitted they were immediately defensive. I didn’t feel valued or prioritized which is what triggered me. However DAs trigger me the most as an FA.
@@MeAnINFP 🥺 I hope you find someone really deserving of you. And you didn’t deserve any of that. Sometimes our faith in people is what gets us hurt
All of these things are recogniseable. They twist and bend themselves backwards to hold on to a delusion that it's "friendship". I have a very close emotional connection to a DA for 5 years. It often feels like he is the last to know that he was already in a relationship. I call him my "romantic friend" because neither of us deny to be in love with each other, but he won't commit to a label.
I'm right with you. Two years for us. We are monogamous, we are in a relationship. But he won't say it, we've had several deep conversations about it, but he tells me "relationships end in pain." We know and love each other's parents and children. But anyone who asks he calls me his friend. I'm so back and forth on whether a label is important or not.
ohh same. we're in a loving relationship about 2 years now, he admits we love each other and there's a strong attraction and connection, yet.. he calls it friendship. When i say it feels more than that, he gets quiet and and somehow agree, yet he cannot make himself commit to a labels. idk how long i'll be able to handle all that.. but i truly love him and trying to accept him where he is rn. I do like your "romantic friend" approach, maybe i'll try it.
I think back about one earlier conversation we had after he first confessed. He said that in his vision, you are friends with someone for 4-5-6 years and then you get married. I laughed and I thought about the absurdity, as to me I viewed marriage as a path to achieve through stepping stones... dating, bf/gf, surviving IKEA and holidays, moving in, engaged... But, we're very much on his binary path. That also created some reservation to me, because I knew I required to be sure I can see myself married with him to know my answer if he asks me for commitment. So I stopped talking about label and just rested myself in the knowledge that as he invests his energy, resources, time, space, attention he is still on that road with me. How long can someone be in limbo however before it's decision time. I've known I can see myself grow old with him for a long time, and I'd like to cut to the chase.
@0Demiyah0 I'm happy to hear other people are in the same situation I am. It's a relief, actually! My guy also invests all the same things in me. No shortage of time or effort on his part at all! Just calls us friends. No matter how many times we discuss that from my perspective we are more. He says "ok fine. You can have your opinions." He told me before that relationships end in pain, and so by not admitting we're in one, it can't end in pain. Denial? Maybe. Avoidance. Yes.
@@mlong506 I'm glad it's a relief, and likewise! Mine has the same sentiments - "relationships end in pain". "You get married to endure the bad times", because if a connection is good why would you need the assurance they are staying - of course you will stay if it's good, when times get bad you need the chain of commitment. So in those notions I just read that he likes to keep a backdoor, and he's worried about conflict resolution, and things growing stale or becoming trapped in an estranged marriage. Frankly, I do not have such concerns. I live by the rule "do one selfless act of love for your partner every day, and if you both do so, you will cherish the peace between each other". I don't think relationships get boring if you plan things to look forward to. If you are openminded to the change each of you will go through in different phases of life, celebrating and supporting those times to see your partner take shape, then the journey is also exciting. I find comfort in the security and stability of knowing we want to grow old together, and I don't worry about smothering or stifling each other out, because I am pretty evenkeeled and respect a partner has their own life despite we also share a life. My thoughts seem idealism to him, but I think they are also practical and feasible, it just takes a brave heart to take steps one day a time, and one day a time is all we ever have in life. When I explain I see we are already a couple, he will also dismiss me in the same manner yours does. "A difference of looking at things". To my DA, dating, gf/bf, etc. do not mean much. A lifepartner or a husband/wife does. Since his last ex - probably a traumabond - ended it just before he thought he was ready to get married, it's like he doesn't dare to fantasize and dream about possibility without equally fearing the pain.
Sorry, but anyone who says they’re ”scared” they will be ”stuck with you forever” is not truly in love with you. They may like you. Maybe they love how you make them feel. But they don’t love YOU.
THIS!! 🙌🏼
Moreover, when someone feels that much fear, they just can't love to the same level. Either one or the other.
Let me guess, you’re an anxious attachment
@@libertygates4944 and you must be Avoidant 😆
@@RitaP41 so true. Only an avoidantly attached person would react (not cognitively "think" but emotionally "react" ) that way. All this person did was highlight covertly bad behavior - it's bad no matter what attachment style does it. And @KajasaBernhardina didn't mention anything about themself, so we don't know, they could be coming from a Secure place. @libertygates4944 told us everything we need to know by being reflexively defensive and deflecting (extremely common emotionally reactive DA behavior). When triggered, they'll promptly, confidently and calmly throw anyone under the bus before taking a moment to sit with bad a feeling and reflect. I understand that it's what gets them through the day, but damn, watch out because anything bad they feel they'll push it onto you especially if you don't deserve it... because even the potential of being wrong is painful (to anyone) so imagine what happens when they get even the slight spidey-sense that they actually are. They shut it down and make the other person the target. Just like what we saw here.
Seems to me the ONLY feelings or needs they are concerned about is theirs. Somehow they just do whatever makes themselves feel better at the expense of their significant other. When do they realize they can GET HELP??? Feeling disgusted.
They don't dare to ask for help.
I wanted to ask for help but I didn't even know where to begin. It took the almighty UA-cam algorithm to suggest a video on attachment styles before I had the eureka of self awareness and begin to explore my attachment wounds and begin the work.
Excellent description.
I go by the rule that if someone doesn't put themselves into it, I'm out, because they just aren't that into me, and I've accepted that's IT, that's what that is. They didn't need help, they just weren't that into me and they needed me to leave.
@@Hlokirok same here something triggered my algorithm too. I was praying for truth and clarity and then bam good ol you tube video popped up 😂. Now I’m here learning more n more about these individuals.
Look, I'm secure. Have tested multiple times. My DA interpreted my hurt over him stepping on my boundaries as criticism. He stood me up twice, for plans HE made, cuz he needed space bla bla bla. No thanks!
This literally just happened to me as well. I got stood up on Valentines day. She broke up with me because I stood up for myself
@@todzilla3926 I'm so sorry.
I walked away from one after 4 and a half years in that time I never met a single one of his friends or family members
Happened to me too. Was kept in a closet. That was the breaker 11/2 years. I walked & blocked. Feels good to know I’m not alone
@@daxter7913 God bless u , you deserve so much more , we all do
This is what happened to me, it's painful
Same here living in the dark aint fun 🥺broke it off few days ago, 6 years gone
It makes me really irrationally angry to hear DAs feeling like they are the one in a one-sided relationship, particularly after 1.5 years with a DA who put almost zero effort into our relationship. They don’t match effort or commitment, blow hot and cold, make you walk on eggshells, refuse to compromise, but somehow think they’re the victim. 🙄 never again. DAs are too much work and frustration.
Everyone's experience in a relationship is shaped by their perspective, traumas, ways of thinking. Just because you can't relate to how they would feel this way does not mean that it isn't true or that their feelings aren't real. You don't have to get in/stay in a relationship with someone who's attachment doesn't mesh well with yours but that doesn't give you a pass to trash on their experiences. Your oversimplified this into DA: bad when all insecure attachment is "bad" and can negatively affect others. Insecurely attached people still deserve compassion.
We're we dating the same person.
I finally told my ex to not reach out to me again because of all th3s3 traits & then some.
Yeah, their ability to think of themselves as victims and others as aggressive/possessive/selfish is unparalleled and has been an incurable trigger for me.
@@billygagnon745Get real. They're not victims, it takes two to tango.
Based on videos I've watched, I believe I fall in the DA category. Vulnerability, specifically not showing it, was always a huge deal for me. I'm now a 50yr woman, and finally learning how to comfortably express my Vulnerability.
What was the turning point? What finally pushed you to look at yourself and your behaviors?
Projecting much? I know they hurt but they pass on the hurt...that's not love at the end of the day...as Ross famously said...there's a mirror here!! Reflection is so healing and accountability so freeing
Good for pointing it out. They choose to pass on the hurt. Most cold hearted type I've ever dated. But I'm the Disorganised type and I can give them a taste of their own medicine too.
I just came across your page and I’m grateful for all this incredible information. I had no idea what DA even was. But I’m dealing with this in my relationship right now. Extreme connection when we are together and when he leaves I have no idea who he even is. He knows everything about my life yet I know nothing about his. No calls unless they are at 11pm at night. Disconnected for days with no texting- always late. Has no consideration as I keep sharing in a very healthy way how this bothers me…. And He expresses he’s sorry, says how much I mean to him, says he wants to do better, but absolutely nothing changes. I’ve at this point been so frustrated by this- I’ve avoided his calls and texts to see how this can be resolved. This emotional roller coaster is so high and low. He’s not narcissistic or belittling, no gaslighting or getting mad. He’s slow to anger and such an amazing communicator…… just missing the commitment. I’m not sure what to do but continue to watch these amazing videos to get an answer. Thanks for sharing. ❤
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Really? How do i find one please?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I think physically & sexually are the same pillar. The physical realm has everything to do with the body. The one that may be the fourth pillar is Spiritually. That’s the realm of Spiritual connection…a very important piece in a relationship.
Many of us APs are also conflict avoiding. I walk a lot on eggshells.
This. You are correct
Im an anxious attatched and It really pains me that one has to deal with such. I'm in a 2 year 8 months relationship with DA and its so hard. He's very distant and doesn't want to communicate what's wrong. Sometimes he treats me like I'm not in his life. I'm very devastated by all of it because I love him but the way things are right now it's just heartbreaking. I'm at a point where I'm thinking of detaching...
It's just a mess
Save your sanity and walk away loving yourself. A DA is not for the faint of heart. You deserve soo much better. Someone who truly loves and cares for you. You're worth so much more
I was like you. I almost destroyed myself for my ex-boyfriend. It's a cycle which doesn't end. Please cut it off. Now, I'm married with a wonderful man. In the beginning both of us where anxious, but now aren't anymore. In the beginning it was so confusing when someone runs towards me, ok in the beginning it was baby steps 😂 then running away from me. I finally feel safe and it's the most beautiful feeling ever. Wish you all the best ❤
Basically, many of them are highly manipulative, but they cannot even realize it, much less admit it. Even if someone acts without awareness, it doesn't exempt them from their responsibility, emotional in this case, and they can get really annoyed, even aggressive when they are confronted and hold accountable; they will probably try their best to deny it, which means they're gaslighting you.
I was in this dynamic. I personally don’t believe in attachment.. I believe in boundaries and needs. Never again will I be gaslight or manipulated to feel less or too much!
That’s exactly what happened!
They attempted to gaslight me, but I wasn't having it, so they switched gears to helplessness. Manipulative as
I have found out why some people may not be able to commit emotionally to their romantic partners. I think they outsource this need from their friends.
That is probably also the answer for a question, how it is possible, that they may be single for a very long time.
Communication about needs or boundaries didn't help me with them because they really valued their source of oxytocin.
I think they do that because it feels very safe to love somebody else whom they don't have to commit to. And, in the end, they build a deeper connection with these friends instead of with you as a partner.
How do they deal with the issue of sex? Having sex with their friends ?
@@ruthr8990 I think ( yes, again, only my opinion based on my experiences and the books I have read ), that sex is at the end not such a big deal. Many people may have the best sex in their life + satisfied libido in its fullest and yet to choose masturbation here and there. And the very same person may easily cheat if behind sex are other needs, like peting their ego, or something like that. ( So for some people, yes, sex with their friend is also a way to go :( ). I think, that masturbation might be completely sufficient source of sexual fulfilment.
I totally agree what you said. Once they are romantically attached, the fear came up and they view their Romantic partners as risks in their lives. Communicating about your needs are not helpful because they don’t care. The more you communicate the more scared they are. I tried to be direct about my needs but ignored. I finally walk way and avoid the avoidants because they are subconsciously avoiding you and your love. They don’t deserve it then.
Ma'am, are you blessing us with two videos today?!?!?!?
❤
I was with my DA we did have labels, but he ran once conversations of serious commitment came up. Otherwise he would have strung me along for years
They re posing. For friends and family. End of mystery. Not having a gf makes them look bad in their mind.
I'm so fortunate to have been presented with learning about attachment styles & how they affect & shape who we become. This video spoke volumes to me and I just truly appreciate the knowledge. At times I've gotten resentful and judgemental because I love someone who is an dismissive avoidant but reality is, it isn't his fault and that's just fact. I pray that he trust me enough some day to help him on his journey of healing. (Not my responsibility but I choose to be in his corner for support)
Truth. We can choose to take care of our hurts and not tolerate the abuse. If we stay, it’s out of our own dysfunctional behavior. We can’t control or change them. That’s a fantasy. Face the truth. Choose healing for you.
I disagree with your stance that I'm choosing to be abused out of my own dysfunctional behavior. I was introduced to attachment styles & theory by my therapist. I am very much so healed and supported to embrace accepting others as they are because there is no such thing as all human beings being perfect and healed. Let's be clear, just because I'm in a committed relationship with a dismissive avoidant doesn't mean I'm being abused or mistreated for that matter, he's endured his own childhood upbringing like everyone else and that's not his fault. I'm a secure attachment style and it's a beautiful thing to be able to love someone in spite of things they have no control of until they're made aware and ready to learn that there is a different way to live in the world. I can't change anyone, but I can spread my security to others. Thank you 😊
Thais, your PhD is a true one.
I just found out today from clues my son gave me my wife of 34 years was in basically a continuing sexual and emotional relationship with her married paramour for most of 34 years. This began when my son was in diapers and my daughter was a year older. At one point they lived with his parents of another culture, and I had no idea except a passing intuition when I'd visit. It seems in a real sense, my son was "raised" by this fellow right under my Asperger's nose. I feel dumb. I guess a near-majority of 200 at her workplace knew this was going on, plus my then-young family. She would go to ethnic cultural parties on weekends when I had to work Friday and Saturday into the early morning hours . I was in the dark. I am 72 now. She is almost 18 years younger. We can't talk. We had one conversation. She never returned a call and a text. Ghosted.
I watch many of your videos. I still wish I could reach her to take your courses with or without me. Her repression and psychic pain of emotions and vulnerability is incredibly sad. I told my son she looks as shell-shocked as Joe Biden in family photos. The rampant repression of emotion and vulnerability is all over the portraits. I am AP.
In 2005, her abusive mother and my abusive father passed away within 3 months of one another. Klutzy me thought I'd open a heart-felt communion
conversation which would bring us closer together. Her immediate response was, "what's to talk about? She's dead!"
Well, that is the life. Thank You a lot for teaching about our 4 human styles. I can tell you, it's painful to so glaringly fail in this brief life. Your videos help me a whole lot. Thank You.
After being with a sociopath I was attracted to a dismissive avoidant. I was a little codependent before, not now....I feel like his personality forced me to learn and grow as a person. I feel more balanced, now waiting for him to grow or I gotta go, when you become aware of toxicity you can't continue being toxic. He still is and tries to pull toxicity out of me but this let's me practice emotional maturity.
Handling my emotions makes it much easier to handle, or not handle, his. Communication is possible but you have to wait, wait for them to come back to their normal thinking, not survival mode thinking and I have to be aware when I'm in survival mode thinking. Everyone is different as far as time needed to not be triggered. Becoming aware is step #1, learn and feel your emotions...even shame....my whole body gets red but I take it, I let it happen, I deserve it and will learn from it. I new it would pass and it did. Im so proud of my growth and I hope he grows with me, but it is his choice and decision. I have plans either way.
how do you become aware of survival mode thinking?Just from feeling feelings?
@nitacollins3645 yes you can tell. When you become aware it is easy. Like being emotional immature, once you know you can stop yourself...with practice. It won't be overnight or easy. With awareness and practice, you can control it. I'm still with my avoidant partner(maybe a nars) so I get daily practice. I don't look at it as stress anymore but practice. Figuring out an escape plan does stress me.
@@carolynwebb8726 with mine I started having odd self sabotage and I left but, I have been very cut off and numb from my emotions and feelings. I wouldnt say they are immature. I went through chemo and his support was spotty. so I had some resentment built up. i was able to escape because my mom died. My health was really failing from stress. I feel bad for him too.
Also, if you are a woman with natural hormone fluctuations, it will be much harder at certain times to control but don't give up.
@@carolynwebb8726 I certainly had that with medically induced menopause.
Don't hate me for saying this... but we have to remember we attracted them for a reason. Maybe we should start focusing some of that energy spent on them and put it into healing what attracted them to begin with.
I would ask a different question: why we chose them?
Does this apply to adding labels? He labeled me as his girlfriend (which surprised me) and when I started joking about it, that pullback gave me whiplash.
This was my ex-husband. While we were even married. Except there was also emotional/financial abuse.
he says he’s going to call me, i answered he hanged up and texted me “you should’ve picked up im busy now”
This is sooooo very accurate.
Please have some self respect. If this person wouldn’t acknowledge they were gaslighting and manipulating me I would stop talking to them immediately. This is crazy to even entertain someone doing this to you. Would you want him to treat your future daughter that way?
@@shelbylauren4 hey, thanks for your kind words. This person I'm talking about has been my friend for about 6 years and he's slow slowing coming to terms that he's gay..... gay for me that is. I'm very familiar with all the mental health tricks and stuff sometimes I like to seek clariaction if I think I know what's going on. We are back from no- contact but eitherway He's not going far with anyone if he doesn't fix himself on ly he can do that.
So basically it comes down to being a secure person yourself and modeling the behavior that you want from that partner. I think it comes down to your partner truly loving you and themselves enough to do the work- that's the hardest part- not everyone has that capacity- or even if they do- it is painful to open up that way and expose their true pain. Usually a DA has had parents that were dismissive and avoidant. The interesting thing is that the DA has a huge capacity to love and I have seen it for myself- it's just scary for them when they do not see that being reciprocated. It can be complex since they may not perceive your love as genuine because the basis of theirs is contingent primarily on your reciprocity. We truly as a collective need to continue doing the work on ourselves irrespective of whether the partner you have is doing it or not. We need to become secure and whole on our own. The DA just like the AP, FA, and so forth has learned to be strategic and manipulative in ways where they are trying to get certain needs met. As a behavioral therapist I will always believe people CAN change, only to the degree that they are psychologically willing. Every single person as an EGO even the most selfless person. Majority of these comments are pointing out negative aspects of DA's or FA"s without considering that WE ALL have those aspects in lesser degree than another. Try to understand and be open to other people's lives and why they became the way they did- that's the only way to have a true breakthrough.
But they fucking relapse bad
You definitely done your research and and counseling and homework. It definitely shows in your❤
Thank you for making this very important information widely available. Your content has really helped me!
How did you all get through it? It’s so hard and I just felt so take aback and surprised by it all. The previous day was so sweet we went out with friends and everyone thought we were the cutest couple. But the next day: cold. And just ended it. Like as if from nowhere. I have no idea how to move from the loss of not only a lover but a friend. My best friend.
I had a secure attachment and was confident. Until I wasn’t. Staying for that long actually broke me down. I now have an anxious attachment who still tried to communicate and work through it. And was dropped for it.
Don't question stupidity, don't try to understand or explain irrational behavior.. Your needs matter the most to you. Run as long as you can and work on yourself.
@@devilcat7991 Thanks. Yes, in the span of a month I’ve managed to turn inwards and deal with the issues left. Grow as an individual and be better overall. There really is no point trying to rationalize irrationality.
You’re a genius at explaining the feelings and history of the DA
I love the analogy of 10 units of connection!! and the point about lack of expression of empathy!!
I thank you so much it's all true about them so why put up with it.there comes a time
In life when you have to self reflect I don't get it with them if people are always leaving you and protesting about you being distant why can they not see that and work on that. For me I'm secure I work on myself everyday. So my take is you can't love someone who is afraid of it so leave them alone and keep your peace.
Why? They are self-serving. They put their image of "self" first. Not their true self, but their false self (true self minus what has been defined as unacceptable). That means their desires, impulses, and needs come first - always. If they do something kind you better believe there's something in it for them. They do not intuitively do anything that may be painful to their image of "self" even if there would be a better outcome because they have an extremely low tolerance for emotional pain (feeling ANY pain has been defined as weak and unacceptable). They block it by reflex - because "self" can't hold pain even for the sake of growth. It's like they have extremely sensitive skin so they walk around life wearing numbing cream (dismissive avoidance). If they learn the benefits of being able to hold pain they can grow, but many don't want to because it takes work, and regardless, they still get their short-term desires & impulses met even if they hurt people in the process.
From what I've seen they have the hardest time identifying their own attachment style because of the things above - they will claim Secure. They only want to start to change once the backlash of the internal chaos from the stored emotions becomes too much. What they don't realize is that emotions don't "go away" or "disappear" by pushing them away. They get put in the bank, and each time a relationship explodes, the emotions from all previous explosions come back in full. IN FULL. We can only dismiss so much. If a person IS somehow able to dismiss to such a high degree, they are at risk of becoming COMPLETELY internally numb - a walking emotional zombie with no highs and no lows - anhedonic.
Some do decide to be and stay single. That way those emotions stored in the bank don't have a chance to boomerang AND so they don't completely numb out. Both reasons are self-serving. Though that option is fine since they are helping themself and others, and they can still have the chance to engage in personal growth in settings with more mild degrees of emotional investment & intimacy.
They make great friends, don't get me wrong, though from what I've experienced they need to work on themselves outside of a relationship since intimacy (even secure intimacy) IS A TRAUMA TRIGGER and can make them have emotional flashbacks (nausea, somatic pain, panic attacks, shutdowns, depression). That's in opposition of an Anxious attachment who can learn healthy habits (healthy detachment, boundaries, needs identification & communication) by BEING IN a Secure relationship - getting closer IS NOT A TRIGGER (distance is) to an Anxiously attached person in a Secure relationship. And usually getting closer & building intimacy over time serves a relationship. An unpredictable push-dynamic does not usually serve a relationship which makes it harder for a DA to learn.
Thank goodness I found ur channel. I was really struggling to figure out wat I was dealing with 😓 I wasted my 6 yrs for this 💔
"One of the biggest reasons people will end up making commitments to monogamous relationships has a lot with the emotional pillar."
You can be committed in a non monogamous relationship. You can still be cheated on in a non monogamous relationship. It's how you define the rules of your non monogamous relationship.
I once was lovebombed by someone into making me believe they wanted a non monogamous relationship with me (and I was completely fine with that) but it never went beyond a situationship because they were too afraid of the actual relationship part. I also felt betrayed in the end because words never matched with actions. This has nothing to do with monogamy.
I am so committed to health that I tell a new sexual partner that we should exchange tests results. Also I respectfully let my partner know if I intend to be with someone else. Its the lie that is a betrayal. The intention is negotiable but if I refrain from sex with others, it doesn’t make me monogamous. I think it boils down to being honest with yourself and partners. That is to me acting committed, secure and responsible. I discourage insecure ppl from being with me. Breakups are rarely about other ppl imo. And how you spend your time has to do with what you prioritize and what you are willing to risk.
😅 Oh stop
Thanks for making this video about DA. Never knew about this before. Now I understand.
I love some of your insights and analogies here like two partners having rules for different board games.
I feel we had communication for a long time ..she shut down 8 months ago ..she gave up I could tell..2 weeks ago she wants a divorce. 27 years married ..crazy to me I still am in love with her!!
9:20. This provides insight on their real fears
This video is for DAs who want to change their attachment style.
I wouldn’t recommend these for current partners or ex partners seeking answers their DA (ex) partners won’t give them. It’s like walking in a minefield. Don’t go there.
You are the only one over here who understands the damage this content is doing to the poor partners.
Thanks. I really wanted to understand my partner so that we could have a better life. I didn't know the term for it, but he is of dismissive avoidance personality. It's a major issue of expression of interest in relationship and communication gap & miscommunication. Still looking forward to healing the situation rather than quitting the relationship
#3 Conflict 7:37, 10:14. 9:00. So good, thank you! ❤🙏🙌
I'm anxious preoccupied and the one I love is dismissive avoidant. 😢
Im so sorry.
Don't marry him. Life will be hellish.
Thank you for your energy and kindness.
Hi Thais,
I love the content of your videos.
What I also noticed is the enthusiasm with which you want to share your knowledge. Thank you for that !
But may I give you a little advice ?
Because of your willingness to share all this knowledge it looks like you’re having a tendency to tell so much at once that I’m having some difficulty with following what you say and at the same time process all that information in my mind.
It even looks like you’re giving yourself hardly time to breath between sentences 😉.
So my advice to you would be: please keep sharing your wisdom through these videos, but i think it would also help if you slow things down a bit every now and then. What’s your idea about this ?
Covert borderlines, Narcissists typically behave like this!!!
I was an avoidant and became secure after being in therapy, not dating, and even embracing a celibate lifestyle for almost 12 years. However, I started dating an avoidant and let me just say, I paid back my karma. I’m back to being single but it doesn’t feel any different than being with an avoidant. I broke it off because it was just craziness disguised as love. It’s better to find a consistent, transparent, loving, and kind partner without all these psychological issues. I did the work on my own and stayed single because I was conscious enough to not bring anyone into my avoidant world at the time. Do not find other people for validation or love if you haven’t found it within yourself. If you like torture, date these people to learn that you deserve better than the breadcrumbs they give you.
I used to be a DA and was told by UA-cam videos that it’s about my family, but then I realize I was just a shitty person and I shouldn’t blame anyone, sure my family isn’t perfect but they’ve done their best and maybe some part of my childhood affected my behavior but childhood is “child”hood, there’s no excuse. If one wants to change they can change in a snap of a finger unless someone is putting a gun behind them and told them explicitly to be a DA lol.
The only reason I can see not correcting such behavior is low intelligence and high indulgence from people around these DA
Best answer of the day🤣🤣🤣
I'm a DA by choice because I got burned so many times from trusting my heart to others. I will never stick my hand into that basket of snakes again. My boyfriend is the same way and we get along great. The problem most people have with DAs is that they want more than what the DA wants to give and they make that the DAs problem. The answer is really quite simple, stop pressuring, guilt tripping, and badgering a DA to commit to you, be super lovey dovey, or make you the center of their lives. Just go be with someone who wants the same kind of relationship you want.
like you see each other once a year?
@@EmanueleLaconiahhah😂😂
You say that now, but all humans thrive on deeper connections and deeper shows of affection as the relationship grows. What works for you ya'll as DA's will crumble in the future.
At some point, one of ya'll will want more intimacy and the other person will run away. DA is a defense mechanism that expires after people outgrow it; if you don't shed the DA skin, it will burn your best relationships. No one is avoidant attached by choice, it's a defense mechanism that lights up after you're hurt enough, per your own admission. But it's up to you to heal from that pain.
As a self diagnosed DA with a very anxious ex, we often very much compounded our problems. I had some problems with opening up more and trying to discuss any issues I had with her, but whenever I did it often was met with defensiveness which then shut me down more. The issue with that is she wanted me to open up more, but my experience with her made me feel like I couldn’t😭 like she was basically trying to police my feelings about things. Idk man it lasted several years but finally broke
You were the problem
Or if you live a house with three people- "what you said yesterday really hurt my feelings..." 1- it's not my responsibility, that's just your preference and you should find a way to deal with it. 2- It wasn't my intention to hurt you, so I'm not going to apologise. 3- You're not making any sense, your words are all muddled up! That was in a Buddhist community 😂
THIS! WORD FOR WORD SPOT ON.
OMG! This is my boyfriend ! He started of so loving and giving. Kind and compassionate. He is attentive to me in private. He was never into PDA in public, acted like we were not even a couple out in public. Then…months of no intimacy and we live together. I was so confused. Was it me? Was he no longer attracted to me! Did he want to see other people? All he said was”no” to. Was he having an affair? Again, no. He said he “just doesn’t think about it. This is absolutely no touching or kissing! I had to break down and tell him I wanted a boyfriend not a roommate. I’m almost 16 years in and I don’t even know this man’s favorite color! We run a business together and now to put me in my place…he will check out other women when I’m standing right next to him! I told him how disrespectful that is and humiliating and hurtful for me. So no touching and checking out other people. WTH have I been doing? Now I’m full of anxiety and stress because I am going everyday to see the same behavior over and over again. I’m so sad for him, he’d be a great friend. But this relationship thing is killing me!
Omg this is exactly what im going thru.... he says I'm "the best one for him" but has been my best friend... 90% of his time, falling asleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT on FT!! Yet in 3yrs, he went back to an ex, had a whole other chick thinking she was "special" too... I've cut him off a few times. He keeps coming back... this year he's given me MORE but STILL won't commit... ong PLEASE HELP ME!!! we have a deep bond but it's hurting me so bad that he won't commit, he gives me more since 2024 personally... but on social media shows me NO LOVE!!! AGAIN, PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Leave before you yourself physically
Don’t be so quick to dismiss a DA. You need to have some patience and understanding if you truly care about them. I want to share something positive about a DA who is very close and dear to me. In this case conflict is by far one of the major reasons they will shut down. They absolutely can’t stand it. It will make them ill. You can see a physical change in them as well. Recently a family member of their’s was trying to take advantage of me. I wasn’t really worried about it however, it truly upset my DA and they decided to confront them on my behalf. I had assured them they did not need to and even told them that I understood how much they dislike conflict. Yet my DA insisted on handling the situation and they did so very well. Everything was resolved. I told them I really appreciated what they had done for me. Telling them that also made them very happy. This whole situation shows that they without a doubt have feelings.
Thank you for sharing ❤
Thank you for one of the precious few positive posts about DAs. It's nice to see this for a change!
Thank you for saying something positive here!
I just recently learned that I may have a DA attachment style. I KNOW I’ve done some shitty things in my relationships. I will avoid conflict to the point of dissociating way too often and then later beat myself up for not just talking to my partner/friend/family/therapist about what’s going on in my head. Sometimes to the point of ghosting because I’m so ashamed of my own behavior and I can’t face them. It’s a hard spiral to get out of and really leaves everyone in a bad place. Luckily I do have enough self awareness to feel guilt and have a desire to change. I don’t believe I’m the victim in most of these situations, and I also don’t want to keep doing hurtful things. I’m really grateful to the people who’ve stuck by me, despite the fact that I clearly have an unstable attachment style.
Thank you for showing that we’re not all just malicious assholes. We’re scared too. 🖤
@@sarahg7996 Great to hear 😊. I wish you all the best
@@sarahg7996 yeah, I think it's kinda unfortunate that people in these comments seem to paint us DAs as though we are all on some special level of evil, due to their personal experiences with some. I guess let's just focus on improving ourselves, picking out the good lessons and ignoring what's not helpful
While understanding attachment styles is helpful when navigating relationships, it does very little to address other key components of personality disorders. Everyone here is so quick to diagnose their SO as a DA, but few take into account that they, themself, could be the problem (e.g.: an AP putting undue pressure on their SO to conform to their demands, thus driving their partner away), or other factors such as narcissism, or PTSD, or substance abuse/addiction could be playing a role in the relationship. My point is, this subject is far more complex than assuming your SO has a particular attachment style and thinking you're qualified to diagnose them as such. PDS hasn't even begun to address how other complexities affect the way a person presents their attachment style or how we as individuals who might struggle with our own attachment styles and/or personality disorders respond to others. I have to wonder how many people commenting here are deeply insecure and/or self-medicating APs who do very little to adjust their own approach to relationships and assume the problem has been created by their SO. Think about it. Unless you've been living under a rock your whole life, this isn't your first relationship (assuming we're all adults here). Why did your past relationships fail, and what roll did you play in its demise?
Hello, thank you and many other commenters for this response. I especially liked what you mentioned at the end because, regardless of whether one is doing the breaking up or being broken up with - an AP breaking up with a DA, or even a DA breaking up with an AP - everyone has to do their part and realize the role they played
Wise up. In intimate relationships, you look after yourself & each other. APs should learn how to regulate their emotions. However, DAs need a lot more work to function in a relationship. Therefore, you should be looking at the plank in your eye.
@@Calbizzle I've leapt of the plank out of love for my partner, made various attempts to talk through our issues, and get caught in a loop because of combativeness or lack of comprehension. Over time, I just got super tired of having to explain myself when my routines and actions are very, very simple to me.
Actually, the relationship with the DA was my first. I'd never dated before. I was 19 and he was 26. The age gap was obviously my first mistake. After we first said "I love you" for the first time (by then I was 20) he ghosted me for months. It was a rollercoaster ride from the start, just a string of deeply painful moments punctuated by very rare moments of happiness. Because every time you're both happy they have to run away. I would never do it again. No offense to anyone.
I live by this mantra for dating, “I’m looking for a partner, not a project”. I’m now in a 8 year long relationship.
He's my comfort zone that's all ☺
Great video like always. However can you please get a better mic for audio. It's a bit hard to understand, almost like you're speaking into a metal can.
My DA, got in limmerence with another guy 2 years ago. She had an emotional affair. At the end she left me saying, that smth. is missing.
I fucking did everything right in those 6 years. My patience was my downfall.
Iam done with her. Never ever i will date an DA. Its not worth it. You can bring a horse to the lake. But you can not make it drink
Facts
Could you be more specific about what happened?? What do you mean, limerance with another guy? I am really curious about this because I feel I have a very similar situation going on, and it's happened about 6 or 7 times over a two year relationship.
@@ericdedionisio8236 they obsess over someone real or fictional without getting truly close to them so their wounds won't get activated. They do it to maintain a fantasy that no human can live up to aka avoidance. It seems harmless to them anyway.
That's the same phrase I was telling my therapist about my relationship.
@@ericdedionisio8236 sam thing happened to me with my ex gf
My DA ex recently reached out to me after over a year. We've been hanging out a lot, she'll flirt & talk about things that point towards a future...but whenever things are great she reminds me she doesn't want a relationship, ever. We were almost intimate but she said she didn't feel I could maintain the just friends boundary. I feel she just wants the benefits of me around bc she gets upset when I say I'm not going to be friend zoned by someone I was once in a relationship with. We haven't spoken for a few days. I have no idea whether to walk away or see if it develops into something?
Having been through a similar situation, I would say that you would both have to be willing to accept your part in the relationship not working and to commit to work on yourselves individually and together. Not an easy task.
She's playing you, dude. Sounds like she just likes your attention, and it also sounds like she's escalating things between you and then saying you can't maintain the boundary. This is a very unhealthy dynamic. It's not easy, and I'm sorry you're going through this, but the best course of action is to walk away.
I’ve been in a similar situation. It was hard, but I had to walk away. I’d suggest you do the same.
Exact same situation for me (FA) and my DA ex. I had to stop being physical with him because of the emotional toll it was taking on me. I want to work things out slowly but after reading a lot of these comments maybe I’m just holding on to someone that is not right for me even if I love them. Letting go is the hardest part but you have to put your needs first and find someone who meets them.
@@cornwallismorgan874I'm not sure it counts as playing when she sounds pretty up front to me about what she wants. She's pretty clearly communicated that she wants friends with benefits, and even stopped that when she thought the other person couldn't handle it. That's empathy- a jerk would have let it play out and not cleared things up.
To OP- As always, what matters is what works for you. She's not wrong to want FWB. It would be wrong if she pretended otherwise. And now it's your choice- do you want that? It sounds like no. It's not wrong for you to say, this isn't what I want, and not take part. It's just a case of two people wanting different things. As long as both are being honest, there's no bad guy here.
I needed this more than anything. Thank you. Thank you.
You're very welcome ❤
Attachment styles change , !
There can be several reasons or causes that make people become DA's. Be it bad parents, broken unloving home, religion, physical, mental and/or physiological malfunctions/issues. I know it well and so many others do too.
youj can also inherit it from a person with DA, if you were married or dating. so a secure Att style can develope DA traights, or a AP developing into FA.Reasons for this is not healing properly after a seperation or a break up. hence going into no contact and shadow work, think thoughts through untill the ruminations stops, usually a year or so. NEVER rebound after and during healing process, esp during the anger stage. limerance that produces the two drugs are nice, but devastating long term. i can imagine it messess with empathy, esp when going through greivence during the healing process. ya sure DAs had it since childhood, but make it worse during their adulthood like 30 and 40s. just think... the rise of mgtow is do to DA weman. DA weman fueling femism, DA people and D.E.I.
I was blocked physically as a child as in physical affection and my avoidant gave me the physical dynamic primarily. Iv literally just got that 🤯
Has this been the case with someone you are dating? Share your comment below
Not a peep from my DA in 6 days
Not even sure if it’s over since I haven’t done anything
Devastated 😢
AP here
I've been going through it for 2 years....every time I'm ready to give up and walk away , she breadcrumbs me just enough....it's stupid and I don't even know why I'm stuck on a chick that doesn't put any real effort and energy into me....
@@jg8479 he sent me a long text apologizing and asking for space because she’s going through some things rn-haven’t responded yet
You didn’t say what to do about it. You said you’d cover it in the beginning of video but didn’t.
@@karinadelacruz7147 You will probably never know. You may not have done anything at all. They might be just doing their thing. Yes, it will make you feel emotional but your lesson is to learn how to be more self-sufficient and more enthusiastic and supportive of the DAs need for space and time then attract them in with your positivity. You can still check in with them and ask how they are doing. They like routine, so if you can find a routine that works for you both together that will work. I have to advice you though that if you get emotional and throw a hissy fit, then the DA's distance will just perpetuate. That's how the cookie crumbles with the DA / AP style. Just saying from experience lol. Like the experience I am in right now as having been part of a DA / AP duo the last year and half.
Thank you, your insight is always so helpful.
You're weclome!
This is spot on!
I am dismissive avoidant. God damn it we dont know what are we doin!!!
I keep getting panic attacks when someone professes love to me.. I eventually end up telling them how broken I am and slowly block them out and then eventually when I feel they are gone and having fun with someone else I try coming back into their life and then I feel hurt that they have moved on.. What’s wrong with me 😢?
I love your videos but didn’t you mention giving suggestions on how to deal with a DA at the beginning of this one? Did I miss it? Also I’m seeing someone who fits the pattern but who is very close to his parents, who spends a lot of time with them and they are very loving towards each other. Is there any other possible cause outside childhood?
maybe now they have that type of relationship but it wasn't like that on their childhood. Also, a 'loving' relationship doesn't necessarily mean a relationship where his attachment needs were met. Parents usually love their children but are unable to meet their emotional needs. And I'm not 100% percent sure of this, but maybe he was secure until a certain time, where he experienced an unhealthy relationship or multiple relationships that triggered his avoidant side.
Also, they could be very affectionate and loving with each other, but not have time, energy, or same love for their kids.
There's more detail in the PDS courses. There's a 7-day free trial Thais mentions in the video.
Since there are no suggestions for healthy people exept to leave she cannot offer any. We are just beeing told how truly sensitive and hurt die DA are...I can't listen to that anymore.
@lauren95531 According to him it's always been loving. And when he talks about not being able to connect with people it pains him that this affects all his relationships including his family. There was a painful relationship in his past, but he never talked about it. Anyway, we're done now. FA and DA is a really bad combo.
I thought both our attachment was secure and then he asked me to be his girlfriend and broke up with me in less than a week and skipped my birthday and said I can’t give you what you need. Now he’s a stone cold ghost.
Too many people here complaining about DAs yet we were the ones that were attracted to them because of our unconscious desire for emotionally unavailable people.
DAs also have a difficult life and their own set of challenges, and they're also worthy of love.
I personally won't date a DA again, I prefer FAs, APs and SAs, but there's no point in me complaining about the way DAs are.
You aren't actually complaining about them, you're complaining about yourself.
People are complaining about DAs because they don't show up as DAs until you are emotionally invested. The dating & honeymoon phases are naturally swell. Then they shut you out. Blow hot, then cold, then warm, hot, outright icy. No one is attracted to that at the outset. Let people whose emotions got played be pissed for a bit before they move on.
Live & learn.
You can do both.
Dismissive Avoidants are absolutely worthy of major criticism. These people are in a way, dealing with a lot of hurt and can and often do indeed hurt others. But indeed, people dating unavailable people certainly show that they have deep wounds too.
well let’s see,he pursued me. he made it a relationship and said he wanted to be there for me and my kids and he was the first to say I love you and shortly after that guy I fell for disappeared and a lazy,passive,cold,flakey,non-empathy having,frigid in bed,no compassion,entitled and selfish person took that guys place. After me breaking it off for the 3rd time and trying to get back he refused saying I didn’t treat him with respect and that his efforts weren’t appreciated when he literally did nothing. I started out super calm,sweet,compassionate when asking him to communicate about anything at all or just not denying me affection on his whim or the number of things I felt unhappy about and he would never even attempt to compromise or change anything and no apologies for it either. Anything at all that I asked of him was too much. He wouldn’t let me love him and he wasn’t willing to love me the way I wanted to be loved. He thought his time was good enough and literally nothing else.
Thais, could you please make a video about the correlation between dismissive avoidant attachment style and what used to be known as Asperger's? I noticed that there are more than a few similar traits.
“Shutdowns” share so much in common, many other shared symptoms/characteristics
@@dangfd551 Yes, and the difference in skill regarding "theory of mind" and empathy.
@TheCoffeeCat Can you
not stereotype and devalue an entire group of people, please? This scapegoating behaviour is bullshit and abusive.
People with autism especially if diagnosed later in life often have an unhealthy attachementstyle as their needs weren't met as children. But this can be any of the attachementstyles. Avoidants tent to be indirect and avoiding expressing their feelings and make room for yours. Autism is often correlated to being very direct and blunt and honest about their thoughts and feelings althow it often does takes more time to actually feel their feelings or understand the big picture. There are different degrees in empathy and in autism it is often different expressed but can often be as much as having more empathy than general. It's often why looking in the eyes can feel as too much information. Anyhow it's not the same.
@@florencecattedrale2083 Sorry, what?? How am I "stereotyping and devaluing"? I'm just asking Thais if there is a correlation. I'm not even stating there is one, much less making a judgement of value... I wonder where all that aggression of yours is coming from. Maybe you are a DA and someone suggested you might have autism? If so, there is no shame in either of those things. I believe I am slightly autistic myself, and I'm secure/AP, so there you go.