I stayed, humiliated, degraded, gaslighted , cheated on. When the discard came, I didn't know who I was anymore. It's been four years now and I am still unable to trust
I don't trust anyone. Society and people taught me to be that way by neglecting and abusing me. I'm 70 years old and have been abused by people all my life..... There are many abused people in this world....it's disgusting !!!!
Me too. 24 years. I stayed because of the following reasons: 1. I loved the image of who she portrayed herself as (the mask), which turned out to be a complete fabrication as I slowly discovered. 2. We have a daughter, and I wanted her to have two parents in the house till she went away to college. 3. My religious obligations/guilt. 4. My personality is to resolve and fix problems, not run away from them. 5. She guilt tripped, gaslighted, and manipulated me into thinking the majority of the issues were my fault. I did NOT stay because I feared being alone, or that no one would want me, nor for financial reasons.
Oh wow dude, I hear you. I am glad you are away from that awfulness. I was also married to a narcissistic wife for only 9 years, and the abuse she and her narcissistic elderly mother directed at me (emotional, verbal and financial) left me wanting to kill myself. Like you I got away after 9 years of that HELL, and have never been happier. About a year and a half later I met a woman who is the love of my life and we now have a wonderful life together. It IS possible to have a life after an abusive marriage.
@@jimp9151 wow just read this and felt like I could of wrote this but I'm still in it my daughter is 4... I really commend you for sticking around and I imagine you did what I'm doing and committing to knowing I'm here for my daughter. I have been seeing a councillor and it's unbelievable when you realize you have been gaslighted, manipulated and it becomes circles once you start to step back and realize
When my ex-wife was leaving the marital home to file divorce, she called me every derogatory word under the sun hoping that I would get upset and beat her up or something. I just laughed it off because it sounded pathetic. If I had reacted, I would have never seen my kids again after the court proceedings. Be careful guys if you are married to a pathological narc or borderline
Oh I get it man. I salute your strength and restraint. When I evicted my psychotic ex-GF from my house, I had to endure 30 days of vandalism, theft, and endless attempts to provoke conflict, knowing that if I lost my cool just once, the consequences would be horrific. I ended up putting cameras throughout my house and staying within their view at all times until she was gone.
broGabiza you are on it boss. Thank God that i escaped also. I was getting hit on and was being blamed for the way things were going. No man deserves that type of treatment.?
broGabiza thats exactly what im dealing with and it sucks men. She wants to get something out of me like an anger reaction. I also noticed she is reading what makes me angry hurts me she would attack that in every argument.
Because there is a pervasive myth that men do not have feelings or are not in touch with their feeling so they do not have feelings. The truth is that we don't show our feelings like women show their feelings. We are very empathic with the people we care about.
I stayed with my borderline/narcissistic ex wife for nearly 20 years for fear of getting divorce raped and put on child support and not being able to see my kids. The icing on the cake was she alienated the kids against me and put them up to filing a restraining order against me on her behalf naming her as the person to be protected under bogus charges. When I went to the hearing I got lucky and had a judge who had the presence of mind to see that it was all bullshit and dismissed the case and the judge in question was one of those black mama judges that don't fuck around. She was honestly shocked to see such a case and had to consult a family law attorney before proceeding.
intipampa I’m in this situation and I’m terrified of her alienating my son from me which she constantly assures me she will do if we end the relationship. I have alienated myself from my own family and I feel trapped by my bond to my son but I don’t even know who I am anymore as a result of staying. It’s a constant cycle of abuse and I’m constantly questioning my own existence because I feel dead inside but I have no one to talk to about this and she does a great job of portraying herself as a flaw less human being to the world.
@@_agapedaily You should record her as much as you can. Build your case, she is already telling you what she is gonna do so be ready. Record every chance you get. You dont have to live like that and its not healthy for your son. Would she be willing to go to counseling with you? She needs some intervention.
I'm going through that i don't know what to do, the law is a little bias to men which is understandable but she basically says if we divorce she takes my boy.
Wow. It's so refreshing to see that a woman is capable of acknowledging that men are often quiet victims. An abusive spouse can really destroy her husband in so many ways. I appreciate your video.
Shrink4Men - Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD thank you for your video, it’s been a really difficult time for me but you’re video really made me like someone cared. Thank you so much
Adults aren't abandoned; they're left. You didn't abandon your kids either. Unless the court screwed you, kids have two homes after divorce. One with dad and one with mom.
Ah yes. I left once. Came back because I thought I could make it work, and I missed my son. Her behavior has gotten worse, and she will not let go that I abandoned her when I left the first time. She literally doesn’t see what she does. She’s perfectly fine and laughing twenty minutes after going off on me for me no reason. I’m going to leave again, but do not know how. I have no family willing to help me because they are just like my wife.
@@Thetimeisntcomingback Fuck me dude, you're describing my situation to a T. I've now left for the second time after doing exactly what you're trying, she was too much and like that women you're with, can't see her own faults. Narcissistic behaviour on steroids'
Thank you so much for speaking about abusive women. Not all women are abusive. Men need to learn how to spot abusive relationships and how to leave. This phenomenon needs to spoken about openly so men can be supported. This abuse needs to end.
You are SO RIGHT. I was abused by a narcissistic wife and her equally narcissistic mother for most of my 9 year marriage. But after escaping that hell I always believed that not all women are abusive - there ARE good ones out there. I know this is true because I met one who is now the love of my life.
After 20 years of suffering i finally discovered you and others who described the horrific abuse and parental alientation i was suffering from 99% of therapists are worthless There is NO SOCIAL acknowledgement of the trauma im trying to enjoy whats left of my life
Jean Daugherty At the end of the day, it's up to us to take responsibility for our own lives - this is the lesson we learn by constantly giving away our power to "professionals" whose primary aim is NOT to heal you, but to make money. You're right, most therapists are probably trash, and there are many reasons as to why, but there ARE some amazing ones out there who help serve as guides, like Dr. T, and we should celebrate and support them (financially and otherwise) when we get the chance. Men also need to start reclaiming responsibility in their lives. The more we awaken to the fact that we, ourselves, are putting ourselves in relationships with undeserving women, the happier and more in control of your life you will feel, rather than always pulling the victim card. When we know we're in control of our lives, our psyche's become more robust and dynamic, being able to incorporate new or conflicting information from our experiences in ways that facilitate growth. These times serve as your awakening, boys. Don't squander the lessons, lest you remain in hells of your own creation. Take some responsibilty for your actions and ask yourself what you learned. Because if you don't learn, you'll keep making the same dumb mistakes and blaming everyone else, instead of adjusting and enjoying life. Seek truth. Know thyself. Question everything.
@@normanp.chesterton7397 it's true, I know 2 young men whose girlfriends physically abused them & called the cops..guess who went to jail? Both of these men had black eyes or some kind of mark and didn't hit the woman. People need to be educated on this desperately, what's really disturbing is they have children and will be medicated when their 7 for ADD, I believe they can't handle the stress & abuse themselves. How do you think these kids will develope over time?
@@jk3letsgo ,its a continuation, I believe if u grow up with two parents an one is abusing the another an these kids grow up seeing dat its possible dat they will grow up being abusive aswell or worse,sorry dats how it goes down,if the daddy beating on the mother most likely da son will turn out like dat ,or if the mother is physically or mentally abusive the daughter's may turn out the same way ,its sad but it's not love.
True dat James true dat,I'm a 53 year older an it's sad wen u get wheeled in an get abused by a female an it happened to me just recently, everything was fine till I helped her wit rent an filled up her refrigerator an a week later dis bitch started trippn before I beat her ass I just packed my shit an moved on I was homeless 4 a day an moved back in my old house ,she talked me into moving with her an I'm thinkn ok an da grass was not green lol cause it snowed after dat ,but God is so good an everything's go b alright ,dat was da last time I fall 4 dat cause NOW MY HEART HAS TURNED VERY COLD!!!!
Ben Glasser me too. I feel you. I’m afraid to leave. My son is now displaying signs from this bpd mom. It’s awful. I fear that if I leave, he will be in danger in the long run. Never physically, but more psychological and emotional abuse. At this point, I want to die. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.
I know this was posted months ago, but as the child in this situation I completely understand why fathers would be afraid to leave toxic relationships. I can't imagine living without my father, he's the only real emotional support i have. Its incredibly hard to live with an abusive mother, but it would be worse if I didn't have my dad as a buffer.
Absolutely 💯. Im in the same boat with you all...still married. Im staying for my kids and bc im the only emotional support they have. Plus I've stayed too bc of trauma bonding lovebombing/devalue games. I believed her lies but no more...I see through the fog. Its crushed my self esteem. Im started setting healthy boundaries but its making things worse. Everything you say dr. Tara has been life for 25 years... Our therapist actually recommemded that I radically accept her behavior!!! God bless fellas...
huge thankyou. when googling abusive women online dating all that came up was stories about abusive men to women. and all the comments switched off... its a real targeted approach to label just men as abusive.
Tara, as a man, your about the only person who has given me the strength to finally end the Hell I have endured. I have been married to a borderline for 28 years. It would break my heart to think of her alone and uncared for, so i stayed. We also had 6 children together. We tried counseling, she charmed her way through it. She was finally diagnosed by 2 therapists with BPD. Yet there was no help or support for abused men. I would say, Im a man, I cant be abused, I will not be a victim. I still hold on to that belief, but I recognize the daily abuse happened and the affects it had on me, and the destruction of my self esteem. Our last child just flew the coop. Last week, i set boundries and told her she would need to have therapy to end the abuse or leave. Yesterday, she packed up the van and left. Its like a weight has been lifted. After 28 years, I have hope in the future and realize Im FREE!!!! Its like being released from prison. Im still angry that the abuse continued during that time because theres no support for men and the therapists are more apt to help men to stay and deal, and in my case, medicate me to be able to withstand the abuse. No support groups, yet support through the roof to end the abuse for women. Over 70 percent of suicides are men. Its a CRISIS. I almost joined them by buying rope to hang myself, and other plans just to end the pain. 28 years of hell on earth. I still love her. We built a family together, but Its not happening any more. Im filing divorce next week and excited for the future. Thank you Tara. Thank you, thank you.
Because she has my children and constantly threatens me with police and stop me seeing my kids. I'm broken, lost and I don't want to be here anymore but I can't do that to my kids. I don't know what to do 😭 im so tired. I work 12 hours a day 6 days a week, come in and cook and clean or look after the kids so she gets a break. When I bring up how she is being she slates me, calls me all sorts and calls me a little victim but if I do stand up for myself she threatens me with arrest. I am so exhausted. I wish I had someone who appreciated me.
Everything you said in this video describes my marriage 100% I literally broke down and cried the whole time. I'm so lost in all this but your words really helped. Me knowing there are others like this and I'm not just some crazy. Thank you I'll be watching more
I am a female survivor of an abusive marriage, and I agree with the content of this video 100%!! My second husband of 17 years suffered through nearly all the all abusive behaviors sited in this video during his first marriage and also following the end of it at the hands of his ex. His ex ended up discarding him and then turning his children against him as he attempted to advocate for their educational disabilities through the courts--which triggered her narcissistic wounds. All hell broke loose and every narcissistic trick was pulled out to punish and destroy him and me as the step-mom. My care-taking and loving husband ended up suffering nearly EVERY humiliation Dr. Palmatier speaks of here. Destructive, morally bereft and seemingly chaotic narcissistic behavior is actually quite predictable for the most part and navigational if you EDUCATE yourself (and get therapy for your own codependence)! Thank you for advocating for good men--It is so needed!!!
And thank you for sharing this. Honestly, it has gotten to the point where a lot of men have the same kind of knee-jerk reaction as women do and that the good Dr explained at the beginning of this video. Men are really tired to the core of their beings of constantly being portrayed as monsters who are only a moment away from raping or beating up the nearest female, no matter how young or how old. Now that we are living under a matriarchal tyranny, even trying to call out for help only brings more derision and danger to a man. It really is that bad. When did the heart of nations (I am in UK, and it can be just as bad here) and of women turn to stone, and only icy stares are offered to men who may be in desperate need. Oh, that's right. They're men. That means God made them capable of taking all the abuse and torture and violence, and if they do not act grateful for it, then that is because they reveal that they are toxic patriarchal monsters and should be castrated, or euthenised... No, I am not exaggerating. Wish that I was. But I am not going to kick out in anger. I am going to thank you - because the more like you there are - and the more vocal you become - the more there will be a chance to end this insanity and bring back a world that is actually worth living in.
My mother, was extremely abusive to herself, me, anyone close to her and the men in her life. Anyone who says women , cant be abusive, need to think again.
I know I'm late to this, but thank you. I am still in the middle of a now over 3 year divorce from my abusive ex. All of the fears you mentioned were part of my decision and many are coming true. I fought for my relationship for a number of years enduring emotional, sexual, and even physical abuse, all while trying to defend my kids from it as well. I am now a felon because when I finally kicked her out she attacked me and I restrained her. She even admitted to the attack, but because I admitted that I restrained her I'm the bad guy and had to be arrested and punished. I lost my teaching career and stand to lose much more because she said I hurt her. I've often argued why there is so much to help abused women, but only anger management classes for abused men.
Wow, I'm so glad to have come across this. I never felt so worthless, alone, angry and disappointed in my life. Thank you so much for this. You're saving lives
You have just summed up every reason why I can't leave my abusive wife.....worried about the kids, how she will treat them, kids will blame me for everything
Hi bro, hope you are doing better. I am going through same problems, and am feeling the same like you. I have successfully left her, but not yet divorced. I fear for my child. My son is everything to me, but she is holding him hostage.
A close relative of mine is currently in an abusive relationship with a women I suspect is either Narcissistic or Borderline. It is heartbreaking to watch from the sidelines.
Thanks Dr T. You nailed it. I was packing my bags and planning to leave before I realized she has been gone for three years. I felt most of the things you described. I don’t know if this is common but I had the belief that men are tough enough to endure whatever a woman could do to me. Bites, scratches, bruises, your a man, you can take it, suck it up, it didn’t even hurt. It would be a sign of weakness to admit that she was able to hurt me. My thinking was so screwed up. One more thing. I heard a group of men talking one day about a man that had committed suicide. They all bragged about how they would never do something like that because of a woman. Men and women need to wake you to this abuse and stop guilting people into staying quiet about it. It’s not a gender thing. Thanks again!
I wish I had seen one of your videos years ago. You appear to have been living in my house for all 28 years of my marriage. I commented on one of your other videos. This is going to be quite a journey. Thank God all the children age 28 to 36, 3 from a previous marriage are grown up and it's just the two of us left. They all show signs of my wife's abuse due to alcoholism and narcissism. My liberation has only just begun. Thank you for this enlightenment.
Thank you Doc, I have been in a toxic, abusive relationship for going on 9 years (on and off) I am 29 years old sleeping on my moms couch once again because I was kicked out of our home once again for suggesting that my daughters mother should be a nicer to daddy. Every time I walk in the door she completely dismantles my self esteem. My daughters mother is a serial cheater....she cheated on me more times than I would like to remember, more times than she can even remember. She got pregnant one of these times and she had me believing the child was mine for the first year of her life until her true biological father(the dude she was cheating on me with) got full custody. All of which was done entirely behind my back...so one day my daughter was just taken away from me and her sister randomly only to find out the child was not even mine...somehow I stuck around. Mainly because my daughter (5yrs)traumatically lost her sister randomly one day, and she has only seen her once since. I wanted to try to make her life as “normal” as possible by any means necessary. When I’ve spoken with on my daughter about mommy and daddy living separately she thinks that she’s never going to see us again like her baby sister. With all that said, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg believe me, I am determined to never go back to my toxic ex ever again. This is not the first time, but god willing it will be the last. I wasted my entire 20s living in an abusive relationship I refuse to waste my 30s living in that same hell. Thank you doctor for making me feel understood and not so alone.
I so identify with this I’m a victim of abuse: I’ve been arrested, lost my job and career because of character assassination campaigns; and i c an’t see my child, went to court, and lost everything, tried to kill myself and managed to keep alive. There’s no support where I live. This kept me up thank u I am struggling
My BPD wife of 27 years left in a year ago July. This is what it was like for me. Her love was the Promised Land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe. Occasionally we came upon an oasis where I was content and happy. In time, once again the spring would go dry and we would resume the search, each time in a new direction. I am now very weary, our water supply a burden I no longer wish to carry. I tap into the last reserves of inner strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape, gripped by a fear of what is beyond the ever shifting dunes ahead. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I no longer have my bearings, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains. We lay down together in the cool green grass, but I soon realize, once again it's an illusion. Like a mirage, in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and this time she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I must give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home. The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look over my shoulder with each uncertain step. It has become second nature to worry about her, I will always feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an unfamiliar sensation and try to accept I no longer have the power to rescue her from the discontent she has felt her whole life, even worse, I realize the arrogance to think I ever could. At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and in the knowledge that I will never see her again, what am I to do with the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose. The witness of my existence now gone, my heart is tormented by waves of sorrow, like the breakers of some ancient sea crashing on a rocky shore. The primeval granite reduced to particles of sand, now long forgotten, so too will our story be relegated to a footnote, then fade on the parchment of time with each passing generation. I pry upon the wind, hoping to hear her sweet voice one last time, the words of the promised land as she whispers, "I now know he truly love me". I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I have been blind for all those years, we should have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with an invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago, long before her happiness become the purpose of my life. Our special place by the lake will forever remain lost beyond the horizon and when she or I, the last of what was once “us” departs this terrestrial existence, no one will say “they were in love and are together again”.
Hi Russell, your beautiful prose moved me so deeply. You can use this same creative mind and depth of soul to imagine a spirit so expansive that you rewrite the narrative. I believe in your inner power, it starts with a seed you plant in your psyche. As a fellow romantic, I discovered that true love needs to be in a certain dose - redefine it based on a heaven on Earth and not an otherworldly ideal. Let your mind’s constructs be a worthy reflection of reality and you will find understanding.
Hey Tara, the one thing that killed me was my level of denial. The clues of deception were there once I looked. I think we all take the power of denial for granted. Thanks again for the info. It’s helped me understand a lot of what I experienced in my previous relationship.
Me and my daughter snuck out as soon as she turned 18 ... moved out 1 day while our Borderline was away at work ... we escaped to Europe where she could not get to us
Vegeta this sounds like my son at the moment. I’m here trying to find help in supporting him now that he has finally left. It’s so sad to see how “torn down” he is 😢.
I asked her to leave. I got the children. My children begged me to Divorce there Mother.. It was.a matter of timing.. She is very much accurate. It was a step up for me.
This is so true. My former sister in law is currently getting divorced from my older brother and despite she being the one who had alcohol and drug abuse problems, she's the one who's been awarded custody of their daughter and I can't believe how messed up that is!
Therapy needs a serious overhaul. They know which side their bread is buttered on. Honest critique and anything other than blaming the man results in losing the client.
Exactly, violence and abuse is wrong wether it's inflicted on Women or Men. In my country there's a department for something like "abused women and family orientation", No other option. I might be the only guy that has filed a case against an abusive obsesive borderline girl who made life hell ! Thanks Dr. T. It's been a few years now. I keep attracting crazy, but at least now I can see the code of "the matrix" thanks to you...
I am a female and a dv survivor myself. When i saw how a male friend was treatec after he was abuseed that lead to a hospital stay. It made me sick!! I've been wanting to open a shelter for men for years now but I have no money to start one or even know where to start.
This was my newly ex wife to a T. I really needed this to understand that Im not crazy that my ex did this to me as well as turning the step children on me when their own bio dad lives 3 miles away and has never been involved
I can’t express enough how much of a legend you are DR T!!!! Thank you so much again for helping close the alienation window most of us men feel who have been alienated from our kids!
Nice! Thank you! My ex just left me 3 weeks ago to go back his kids mom. His ex kept the kids away from him for 2 years which was the time we were together! His kids mom stabbed him and hit him in the head with a iron and also called the police and told them he molested their daughter! And I wasnt hurt he went back to her. I was more upset of how he did it!! We were together on a friday he was gone on a Saturday!! After 2 years. He left we NO CONTACT !! So If i didnt see them together in the store i would have never known!! But i do understand he wanted to be in his kids life
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you! I left and moved far away, leaving my daughter behind with her mother... her mother was physically and verbally abusive. I moved to Seattle, only to find there's zero help for Male DV victims.
Thanks Dr. T , you have no idea how much this hits home for me.You truly are a wise woman. Your objectivity is a a breath of fresh air. Nice Christmas tree, keep up the good work. Looking forward to your next video.
Followed your work for some time now, when it clicked I was in an abusive relationship I came across the shrinkformen forum in 2015 . I was still in the relationship back then, but when I found your work I was terrified! It awakened me to the situation I was in, I love you for that x. Of course we are no longer together but we have 2 (surprise) kids who I love dearly and we parents continue a manageable relationship with each other, thanks largely to studying your Videos, posts and commitment to this subject! The kids are doing good and we spend lots of time together, more than many ppl at the crap end of this scenario. Thanks so much DR. T. Love. Paul.
Thank you for speaking the truth- I am one of those men. Screamed at, had things thrown at me, temper tantrums, withholding intimacy, threatening to divorce me, endangering our lives. I'm so stupid that I won't stop loving her and leave. Worried about leaving my daughter with her too.
Thank you. It high time that people started accepting the uncomfortable truth that a large percentage, if not the greater percentage, of Narcs are women. It's a survival tactic and encouraged by the larger culture and whatever-wave-of-feminism we are in now. I stayed in a abusive (in every sense of the word) "relationship" (more of a hostage situation) well past the expiration date. Sadly, almost two years out the pain lingers and I'm not the same person anymore. I'm terrified of women and people in general. And doubt I will ever let another person get anywhere near me.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through that. I hope there are better days ahead for you. Therapy helps. Consider giving it a try. Make sure you find someone who understands the type of things you’ve been through.
My asian ex-wife was abusive. I think I stayed for FOG and fear of getting really scr**ed in divorce court. I just said f it and left. Lost a lot but I think I can rebuild.
The mother of my child hits me. Like in tha face punch. It was like 4 times but thats not ok. I didn't cheat or anything. Paid all the rent and bills work as much as I can. Take care of most things so she doesn't have to. Yet she said i was worthless and that I was pathetic and lazy. Im a monster in her eyes and apparently pretty stupid too. I can't take it anymore day in and day out so I just left her. I'll take care of my child but I can't be around someone who is dehumanizing me or threatening me by taking my soon to be child away. I took care of almost everything. And spent so much money. And now I'm broke and she has my wallet because she locked me out of our apt when I was getting some clothes together for work and whatever thr next few days. I paid 800 for and apt I got kicked out of and treated like trash.
I have been watching Cluster B related videos for a bit, and they were fine, but left something to be desired. ...but now I found you, and you bring the red pills the others lack. Congrats, you might be the best on UA-cam in this area.
It is worked into the fabric of our culture to support women who claim to have been abused by a man, but virtually nothing exists to help men who have been abused by a woman. Even pastors of churches won't touch that one.
I have a male friend in an abusive relationship. I have been trying to help and support him for a couple of years now, hoping he would leave her. Telling him he doesn't have to live this way...She manipulate and gaslight him, lies to him, blames him for everything in her life, stonewall's him ect.. She blew up at him recently and hit him .. He has how cut all ties to me and we don't speak anymore, because he is "Fighting for the relationship" :( What the hell can I do to help him?
I'm so thankful for finding your videos. I am going through all these things at the same time. I feel ashamed I'm begging my abuser to treat me like a person. To recognize me as a human being. Even though I keep winning in court, the narcissistic rage that comes with winning just a 50/50 custody split is almost amazing to witness. Want to have a really bad day? Bring up her non stop cheating during the marriage. You won't hear I'm sorry. Not ever. You will find out all the reasons you deserve to be cheated.
This is a very important video!!! So great to see somone bringing attention to this!! I stayed a while to protect my daughter. Then got out, it was necessary. False allegations followed + custody dispute. After two years I mananged to prove myself innocent of all false allegations and have 50 % custody. Now my focus is to protect my daughter against a mother with NPD. There were and are no support at all to get if you're a man. You're fighting alone! The NPD ex got several feminist organisations to support her. It has changed my view of feminists and their organisations (I believe many of them are simply NPD/BPD), of society in general, and of the legal system. It's a form of apartheid and the children are often the real victims. In my case truth prevailed but I was probably just lucky.
Great Video, thanks Dr T. By the way, I'm now out the other side of an horifically abusive relationship with a BPD woman and your book 'Say Goodbye to Crazy' was excellent, saved my sanity on a number of occasions, has ultimately helped me to recover from the nightmare and maintain a regular and great relationship with my son. Anyone else out there being emotionally and mentally tortured by a BPD woman, buy the book, read the book, keep the faith, hang tough and watch Dr T's videos. It is survivable, I'm still here and have said goodbye to my Crazy (or at least have so reduced her impact on me to the point I can get on with my own life again).
Absolutely loved this video! I just met a great guy that got out of a 12 yr abusive relationship with his ex wife. I'm trying to understand his situation more. P.s. Love your house!
Why don't I leave? Because she'll get everything and I will get stuck paying. Just last week she wacked me with my daughter's shoe while I was on my knees picking up the mess she deliberately left on the floor. Today she yelled at me to cut the shrubs as soon as I walked in the house. When I said "I just walked in" she replied in an insane way yelling and cursing. She even came at me when I told her to get away. I left the house because I don't want my daughter seeing this. When I told her to stop swearing she said, "fuck fuck fuck fuck".
I was being abused but I just looked at it as being normal since I thought I had to just take it since I am the man. Looking back on it, I was a fool and I was taken for granted, big time.
I’m here to find ways to support my son now that it is over. This video is my first. (Haven’t watched it all yet, as I started reading comments as they are kind of a review lol). I want to make sure I do my part as a mother to help him overcome all he has been through as he tries to put himself back together. Wish us luck please. I myself have overcome a dangerously abusive relationship, in the past, but to see your son suffer is no comparison. I feel for anyone in any type of abusive relationship. I am praying for you all.
This is very insightful! We need to hear this from somewhere because society makes all those bias comments and make it so much harder to leave the toxic relationship Along with religion
I am a man who is 71 years of age and been married for 50years to my narcissistic wife . Which is still going on . Work all my life . Did not leave because of the kids when I was younger . Kids are now adults . They have been turned by my wife . For me I would leave tomorrow if I had the money . But it's too late as my sister keeps telling me . how I got this far I don't know . Anyway thanks for seeing the other side if you get my meaning . This married as taken it's tole on me .
As someone who is concerned about women's issues this was refreshing to hear. Finally someone gives an experienced objective perspective on domestic abuse towards men. I've had female relatives whose behaviour went unchecked but their husbands, the children and future generations suffered because of it. I'm tired of the stereotype that women are the 'weaker' sex. This has backfired and led to some women behaving horribly and not being held accountable because the damage they could do is underestimated. Some men even brush off this behavior as being 'cute' or a 'challenge'. This behaviour flows over into how they treat other women around them - esp their daughters - as well. Men really need to be more selective in who they choose to be the mothers of their children and that comes with having high self esteem. A lot of men out here are not as confident as they may seem to be. Never reward bad behaviour.
First, I'd like to say, I have never posted on a site before. Secondly, thank you for what you do. I have been all over the internet researching and trying to educate myself on the topic of "men being abused by female partners." I am a 60 yr old mom who is so, so very worried about my 36 yr old son. He is in an abusive relationship with his 44? Yr old girl friend. He has shared almost all of what is happening with me, I think, I hope. I have been very supportive of him and have offered a safe place for him to come to, when he is ready. I've made many suggestions, including, maybe he might want to educate himself on abusive relationships. I fear for his safety. While educating myself, I found your video on "why men stay..." I shared it with him, along with a message that read," thought it might help to hear from someone other than your mom, and a Dr., to boot..." All the behaviors you point out in this video, are exactly the behaviors he describestranged as being subjected to, by her. It really scares me. I really believe that she has done this before. She has been married twice, that I know of. Is still married to #2, arguing that divorce is expensive, but coming soon. My son has lived with her for 2 years... I'm not suprised. I don't know how many boyfriends in between, but her 15 yr old daughter, (one of four kids, 15, 12, 8 and 7? 3 girls one boy, the youngest) said to her mother, " no wonder why you can't keep a job or a boyfriend..." My point, I believe she's a serial abuser. Lastly, I am worried about these children. I can't talk to her mother, cause we've never met. I'm sure that's all part of the abusive cycle. I think that they need to be protected. She includes them in her "CRAZY. "
Just wanted to add, that I am a survivor of abuse, myself. I later married a wonderful man, who was the best stepdad a kid could ever want. 30 yr relationship. We lost him 4 yrs ago, to cancer. We're all still grieving. My son is still dealing with this, too. So, it took me 8 yrs to get out of an abusive relationship. I know what he's going through. I also know how delicate the situation can be. There are not many places he can turn to. I am so happy he has turned to me, I hope he turns to you, too. Thank You for taking the time, Sarah
Let me put it this way, for the readers here: I spent 499 days in court defending myself against a woman off her meds (cold turkey from SSRIs) with a history of violence and suicide attempts. I knew her total for 7 months. No marriage (she was already married), no kids (she had kids at 15 years old), not living together. It never made it to trial, because the whole "feminist" team behind the accusation, messed it up huge. I've been single since 2004.
Brother? I feel you. went through a relationship with a person with BPD, court fighting with her to take a DNA test for two children she claim that are mine and will not submit to a DNA test for one. The other still waiting for the results due to the state making her take it. And 7 years ago I packed up, took one duffle bag with very few clothes, walked out into the freezing rain and left not only a toxic and very abusive relationship mental as well physically leaving racist town in Indiana. Thank god for this intellectual woman that takes her time to warn people of these toxic individuals that could ruin your life. I am just sadden I didn't find this channel or many like it before I got into this one and one recently that lasted 4 years with a person I believe that suffers from NPD. Well, better late than never.
@@WillMartelinspire Im glad you got away.. They usually always will try to trick and manipulate you back, be VERY careful and good luck to you..stay strong
Women the kinder gentler gender? I think not! Many of my ex girlfriends were emotional and sexually abusive. Yes, I said sexually abusive. Constantly shamed me and verbally abused me if I didn't want to have sex as much as they did and if I didn't do exactly what they wanted in other area. They would not take no for an answer when it came to sex. The hypocrisy is stunning.
The cultural conditioning was pervasive from Day 1. I am relieved to be wide awake realizing I was sold a bill of goods, but now comes the hard work of realigning my life to the norms that reside in the core of my being. My 6-year-old son means everything to me and I want him to flourish.
Yikes! I hit just about every one of these points. Lost all assets, completely biased court system, continue to pay all extra income next 14 years, Ex controls the 'narrative', false abuse allegations, I pay all attorney fees, stay-at-home didn't contribute anything (Dr. Mario/Tetris though, not Candy Crush), etc etc. Like every single one. Crazy.
Most men suspect that there is no such thing as a non abusive relationship. Given that, most men don't know abuse until it becomes violence.. Those that do.. Avoid relationships. I think it's going to self correct over time.
"Abuse isn't a gender issue."
Finally..Someone had to say it
I stayed, humiliated, degraded, gaslighted , cheated on. When the discard came, I didn't know who I was anymore. It's been four years now and I am still unable to trust
You can still make it!
Shit, I had an BPD with 28 and another one with 34. It's hard.
Sorry dude :(
You are a good person and deserve to be loved. I hope the best for you!
I don't trust anyone. Society and people taught me to be that way by neglecting and abusing me. I'm 70 years old and have been abused by people all my life..... There are many abused people in this world....it's disgusting !!!!
This is awesome. As a man abused by a narc wife for over 25 yrs I needed to hear this. 30 days out no contact, life looks sweet ahead.
25 years mate? God bless you.
man how did u handle, I dont survive two weeks i fight emotionally back.
Me too. 24 years. I stayed because of the following reasons:
1. I loved the image of who she portrayed herself as (the mask), which turned out to be a complete fabrication as I slowly discovered.
2. We have a daughter, and I wanted her to have two parents in the house till she went away to college.
3. My religious obligations/guilt.
4. My personality is to resolve and fix problems, not run away from them.
5. She guilt tripped, gaslighted, and manipulated me into thinking the majority of the issues were my fault.
I did NOT stay because I feared being alone, or that no one would want me, nor for financial reasons.
Oh wow dude, I hear you. I am glad you are away from that awfulness. I was also married to a narcissistic wife for only 9 years, and the abuse she and her narcissistic elderly mother directed at me (emotional, verbal and financial) left me wanting to kill myself. Like you I got away after 9 years of that HELL, and have never been happier. About a year and a half later I met a woman who is the love of my life and we now have a wonderful life together. It IS possible to have a life after an abusive marriage.
@@jimp9151 wow just read this and felt like I could of wrote this but I'm still in it my daughter is 4... I really commend you for sticking around and I imagine you did what I'm doing and committing to knowing I'm here for my daughter.
I have been seeing a councillor and it's unbelievable when you realize you have been gaslighted, manipulated and it becomes circles once you start to step back and realize
Wow really someone is speaking up for men that’s not a man.. thank you.
When my ex-wife was leaving the marital home to file divorce, she called me every derogatory word under the sun hoping that I would get upset and beat her up or something. I just laughed it off because it sounded pathetic. If I had reacted, I would have never seen my kids again after the court proceedings. Be careful guys if you are married to a pathological narc or borderline
Oh I get it man. I salute your strength and restraint. When I evicted my psychotic ex-GF from my house, I had to endure 30 days of vandalism, theft, and endless attempts to provoke conflict, knowing that if I lost my cool just once, the consequences would be horrific. I ended up putting cameras throughout my house and staying within their view at all times until she was gone.
Both of you are very smart men
broGabiza you are on it boss. Thank God that i escaped also. I was getting hit on and was being blamed for the way things were going. No man deserves that type of treatment.?
well played hands off laugh it off and live on .
broGabiza thats exactly what im dealing with and it sucks men. She wants to get something out of me like an anger reaction. I also noticed she is reading what makes me angry hurts me she would attack that in every argument.
Why is it that women can not fathom that men do not want to leave their children and women use their kids against them
Because there is a pervasive myth that men do not have feelings or are not in touch with their feeling so they do not have feelings. The truth is that we don't show our feelings like women show their feelings. We are very empathic with the people we care about.
I stayed with my borderline/narcissistic ex wife for nearly 20 years for fear of getting divorce raped and put on child support and not being able to see my kids. The icing on the cake was she alienated the kids against me and put them up to filing a restraining order against me on her behalf naming her as the person to be protected under bogus charges. When I went to the hearing I got lucky and had a judge who had the presence of mind to see that it was all bullshit and dismissed the case and the judge in question was one of those black mama judges that don't fuck around. She was honestly shocked to see such a case and had to consult a family law attorney before proceeding.
intipampa I’m in this situation and I’m terrified of her alienating my son from me which she constantly assures me she will do if we end the relationship. I have alienated myself from my own family and I feel trapped by my bond to my son but I don’t even know who I am anymore as a result of staying. It’s a constant cycle of abuse and I’m constantly questioning my own existence because I feel dead inside but I have no one to talk to about this and she does a great job of portraying herself as a flaw less human being to the world.
@@_agapedaily You should record her as much as you can. Build your case, she is already telling you what she is gonna do so be ready. Record every chance you get. You dont have to live like that and its not healthy for your son. Would she be willing to go to counseling with you? She needs some intervention.
I'm going through that i don't know what to do, the law is a little bias to men which is understandable but she basically says if we divorce she takes my boy.
Wow. It's so refreshing to see that a woman is capable of acknowledging that men are often quiet victims. An abusive spouse can really destroy her husband in so many ways. I appreciate your video.
My wife physically abused me in the parking lot of our new apartment we just moved in 4 days ago. I didn’t fight back, I left.
I'm glad you got out of there.
Shrink4Men - Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD thank you for your video, it’s been a really difficult time for me but you’re video really made me like someone cared. Thank you so much
Praise God
Thank you for this. When I left my abusive ex I lost everything, because I'm a man, and I'm labeled that I abandoned the family.
Adults aren't abandoned; they're left. You didn't abandon your kids either. Unless the court screwed you, kids have two homes after divorce. One with dad and one with mom.
Ah yes. I left once. Came back because I thought I could make it work, and I missed my son. Her behavior has gotten worse, and she will not let go that I abandoned her when I left the first time. She literally doesn’t see what she does. She’s perfectly fine and laughing twenty minutes after going off on me for me no reason. I’m going to leave again, but do not know how. I have no family willing to help me because they are just like my wife.
@@Thetimeisntcomingback Fuck me dude, you're describing my situation to a T. I've now left for the second time after doing exactly what you're trying, she was too much and like that women you're with, can't see her own faults. Narcissistic behaviour on steroids'
Thank you so much for speaking about abusive women. Not all women are abusive. Men need to learn how to spot abusive relationships and how to leave. This phenomenon needs to spoken about openly so men can be supported. This abuse needs to end.
You are SO RIGHT. I was abused by a narcissistic wife and her equally narcissistic mother for most of my 9 year marriage. But after escaping that hell I always believed that not all women are abusive - there ARE good ones out there. I know this is true because I met one who is now the love of my life.
I believe that "suck it up" is basically what all men are taught from a young age.
After 20 years of suffering i finally discovered you and others who described the horrific abuse and parental alientation i was suffering from 99% of therapists are worthless
There is NO SOCIAL acknowledgement of the trauma im trying to enjoy whats left of my life
Jean Daugherty
At the end of the day, it's up to us to take responsibility for our own lives - this is the lesson we learn by constantly giving away our power to "professionals" whose primary aim is NOT to heal you, but to make money. You're right, most therapists are probably trash, and there are many reasons as to why, but there ARE some amazing ones out there who help serve as guides, like Dr. T, and we should celebrate and support them (financially and otherwise) when we get the chance.
Men also need to start reclaiming responsibility in their lives. The more we awaken to the fact that we, ourselves, are putting ourselves in relationships with undeserving women, the happier and more in control of your life you will feel, rather than always pulling the victim card. When we know we're in control of our lives, our psyche's become more robust and dynamic, being able to incorporate new or conflicting information from our experiences in ways that facilitate growth.
These times serve as your awakening, boys. Don't squander the lessons, lest you remain in hells of your own creation. Take some responsibilty for your actions and ask yourself what you learned. Because if you don't learn, you'll keep making the same dumb mistakes and blaming everyone else, instead of adjusting and enjoying life.
Seek truth.
Know thyself.
Question everything.
People act like it's normal for women to be psycho.
@@normanp.chesterton7397 it's true, I know 2 young men whose girlfriends physically abused them & called the cops..guess who went to jail? Both of these men had black eyes or some kind of mark and didn't hit the woman. People need to be educated on this desperately, what's really disturbing is they have children and will be medicated when their 7 for ADD, I believe they can't handle the stress & abuse themselves. How do you think these kids will develope over time?
@@jk3letsgo ,its a continuation, I believe if u grow up with two parents an one is abusing the another an these kids grow up seeing dat its possible dat they will grow up being abusive aswell or worse,sorry dats how it goes down,if the daddy beating on the mother most likely da son will turn out like dat ,or if the mother is physically or mentally abusive the daughter's may turn out the same way ,its sad but it's not love.
True dat James true dat,I'm a 53 year older an it's sad wen u get wheeled in an get abused by a female an it happened to me just recently, everything was fine till I helped her wit rent an filled up her refrigerator an a week later dis bitch started trippn before I beat her ass I just packed my shit an moved on I was homeless 4 a day an moved back in my old house ,she talked me into moving with her an I'm thinkn ok an da grass was not green lol cause it snowed after dat ,but God is so good an everything's go b alright ,dat was da last time I fall 4 dat cause NOW MY HEART HAS TURNED VERY COLD!!!!
It is soooooo good to hear this. I've had all of these same thoughts, especially the fear of loosing my kids. I've felt so alone with this.
Ben Glasser me too. I feel you. I’m afraid to leave. My son is now displaying signs from this bpd mom. It’s awful. I fear that if I leave, he will be in danger in the long run. Never physically, but more psychological and emotional abuse. At this point, I want to die. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.
I know this was posted months ago, but as the child in this situation I completely understand why fathers would be afraid to leave toxic relationships. I can't imagine living without my father, he's the only real emotional support i have. Its incredibly hard to live with an abusive mother, but it would be worse if I didn't have my dad as a buffer.
Not alone bro.
@@ilseihs4336 I plan to do the same with my daughter god bless yall
Absolutely 💯. Im in the same boat with you all...still married. Im staying for my kids and bc im the only emotional support they have. Plus I've stayed too bc of trauma bonding lovebombing/devalue games. I believed her lies but no more...I see through the fog. Its crushed my self esteem. Im started setting healthy boundaries but its making things worse. Everything you say dr. Tara has been life for 25 years... Our therapist actually recommemded that I radically accept her behavior!!! God bless fellas...
huge thankyou. when googling abusive women online dating all that came up was stories about abusive men to women. and all the comments switched off... its a real targeted approach to label just men as abusive.
Tara, as a man, your about the only person who has given me the strength to finally end the Hell I have endured. I have been married to a borderline for 28 years. It would break my heart to think of her alone and uncared for, so i stayed. We also had 6 children together. We tried counseling, she charmed her way through it. She was finally diagnosed by 2 therapists with BPD. Yet there was no help or support for abused men. I would say, Im a man, I cant be abused, I will not be a victim. I still hold on to that belief, but I recognize the daily abuse happened and the affects it had on me, and the destruction of my self esteem. Our last child just flew the coop. Last week, i set boundries and told her she would need to have therapy to end the abuse or leave. Yesterday, she packed up the van and left. Its like a weight has been lifted. After 28 years, I have hope in the future and realize Im FREE!!!! Its like being released from prison. Im still angry that the abuse continued during that time because theres no support for men and the therapists are more apt to help men to stay and deal, and in my case, medicate me to be able to withstand the abuse. No support groups, yet support through the roof to end the abuse for women. Over 70 percent of suicides are men. Its a CRISIS. I almost joined them by buying rope to hang myself, and other plans just to end the pain. 28 years of hell on earth. I still love her. We built a family together, but Its not happening any more. Im filing divorce next week and excited for the future. Thank you Tara. Thank you, thank you.
😢
Because she has my children and constantly threatens me with police and stop me seeing my kids.
I'm broken, lost and I don't want to be here anymore but I can't do that to my kids.
I don't know what to do 😭 im so tired. I work 12 hours a day 6 days a week, come in and cook and clean or look after the kids so she gets a break.
When I bring up how she is being she slates me, calls me all sorts and calls me a little victim but if I do stand up for myself she threatens me with arrest.
I am so exhausted.
I wish I had someone who appreciated me.
MGTOW makes more sense to me nowadays. My narcissistic wife made a 180 degree turn on me pretty quickly; I did not even see it coming.
Everything you said in this video describes my marriage 100% I literally broke down and cried the whole time. I'm so lost in all this but your words really helped. Me knowing there are others like this and I'm not just some crazy. Thank you I'll be watching more
Stay strong bro there are good woman out there you will find 1
hope you're doing better
I am a female survivor of an abusive marriage, and I agree with the content of this video 100%!! My second husband of 17 years suffered through nearly all the all abusive behaviors sited in this video during his first marriage and also following the end of it at the hands of his ex. His ex ended up discarding him and then turning his children against him as he attempted to advocate for their educational disabilities through the courts--which triggered her narcissistic wounds. All hell broke loose and every narcissistic trick was pulled out to punish and destroy him and me as the step-mom. My care-taking and loving husband ended up suffering nearly EVERY humiliation Dr. Palmatier speaks of here. Destructive, morally bereft and seemingly chaotic narcissistic behavior is actually quite predictable for the most part and navigational if you EDUCATE yourself (and get therapy for your own codependence)! Thank you for advocating for good men--It is so needed!!!
And thank you for sharing this. Honestly, it has gotten to the point where a lot of men have the same kind of knee-jerk reaction as women do and that the good Dr explained at the beginning of this video. Men are really tired to the core of their beings of constantly being portrayed as monsters who are only a moment away from raping or beating up the nearest female, no matter how young or how old. Now that we are living under a matriarchal tyranny, even trying to call out for help only brings more derision and danger to a man. It really is that bad. When did the heart of nations (I am in UK, and it can be just as bad here) and of women turn to stone, and only icy stares are offered to men who may be in desperate need. Oh, that's right. They're men. That means God made them capable of taking all the abuse and torture and violence, and if they do not act grateful for it, then that is because they reveal that they are toxic patriarchal monsters and should be castrated, or euthenised...
No, I am not exaggerating. Wish that I was.
But I am not going to kick out in anger. I am going to thank you - because the more like you there are - and the more vocal you become - the more there will be a chance to end this insanity and bring back a world that is actually worth living in.
My mother, was extremely abusive to herself, me, anyone close to her and the men in her life. Anyone who says women , cant be abusive, need to think again.
I know I'm late to this, but thank you. I am still in the middle of a now over 3 year divorce from my abusive ex. All of the fears you mentioned were part of my decision and many are coming true. I fought for my relationship for a number of years enduring emotional, sexual, and even physical abuse, all while trying to defend my kids from it as well. I am now a felon because when I finally kicked her out she attacked me and I restrained her. She even admitted to the attack, but because I admitted that I restrained her I'm the bad guy and had to be arrested and punished. I lost my teaching career and stand to lose much more because she said I hurt her. I've often argued why there is so much to help abused women, but only anger management classes for abused men.
Society seems to assume that women are innocent victims
I feel for you that you lost your career 😔 Perhaps you can build something from your pain and turn it into your success.
Wow, I'm so glad to have come across this.
I never felt so worthless, alone, angry and disappointed in my life.
Thank you so much for this.
You're saving lives
Just hearing this I broke down crying, thank you for this acknowledgement
You have just summed up every reason why I can't leave my abusive wife.....worried about the kids, how she will treat them, kids will blame me for everything
how is it now?
Hi bro, hope you are doing better. I am going through same problems, and am feeling the same like you. I have successfully left her, but not yet divorced. I fear for my child. My son is everything to me, but she is holding him hostage.
If your kids are very young, they'll mature...and when they do, they should be intelligent enough to realize the truth.
I’m 70. Back in the day things were tough. Good news. I remarried in 1980 and we both adore each other.
A close relative of mine is currently in an abusive relationship with a women I suspect is either Narcissistic or Borderline. It is heartbreaking to watch from the sidelines.
Thanks Dr T. You nailed it. I was packing my bags and planning to leave before I realized she has been gone for three years. I felt most of the things you described. I don’t know if this is common but I had the belief that men are tough enough to endure whatever a woman could do to me. Bites, scratches, bruises, your a man, you can take it, suck it up, it didn’t even hurt. It would be a sign of weakness to admit that she was able to hurt me. My thinking was so screwed up. One more thing. I heard a group of men talking one day about a man that had committed suicide. They all bragged about how they would never do something like that because of a woman. Men and women need to wake you to this abuse and stop guilting people into staying quiet about it. It’s not a gender thing. Thanks again!
I wish I had seen one of your videos years ago. You appear to have been living in my house for all 28 years of my marriage. I commented on one of your other videos. This is going to be quite a journey. Thank God all the children age 28 to 36, 3 from a previous marriage are grown up and it's just the two of us left. They all show signs of my wife's abuse due to alcoholism and narcissism. My liberation has only just begun. Thank you for this enlightenment.
Thank you Doc, I have been in a toxic, abusive relationship for going on 9 years (on and off) I am 29 years old sleeping on my moms couch once again because I was kicked out of our home once again for suggesting that my daughters mother should be a nicer to daddy. Every time I walk in the door she completely dismantles my self esteem. My daughters mother is a serial cheater....she cheated on me more times than I would like to remember, more times than she can even remember. She got pregnant one of these times and she had me believing the child was mine for the first year of her life until her true biological father(the dude she was cheating on me with) got full custody. All of which was done entirely behind my back...so one day my daughter was just taken away from me and her sister randomly only to find out the child was not even mine...somehow I stuck around. Mainly because my daughter (5yrs)traumatically lost her sister randomly one day, and she has only seen her once since. I wanted to try to make her life as “normal” as possible by any means necessary. When I’ve spoken with on my daughter about mommy and daddy living separately she thinks that she’s never going to see us again like her baby sister. With all that said, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg believe me, I am determined to never go back to my toxic ex ever again. This is not the first time, but god willing it will be the last. I wasted my entire 20s living in an abusive relationship I refuse to waste my 30s living in that same hell. Thank you doctor for making me feel understood and not so alone.
In these situations EVERYONE blames the man, and this collective gaslighting makes it difficult to get out of the situation.
I so identify with this I’m a victim of abuse: I’ve been arrested, lost my job and career because of character assassination campaigns; and i c an’t see my child, went to court, and lost everything, tried to kill myself and managed to keep alive. There’s no support where I live. This kept me up thank u
I am struggling
My BPD wife of 27 years left in a year ago July.
This is what it was like for me.
Her love was the Promised Land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe.
Occasionally we came upon an oasis where I was content and happy. In time, once again the spring would go dry and we would resume the search, each time in a new direction. I am now very weary, our water supply a burden I no longer wish to carry. I tap into the last reserves of inner strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape, gripped by a fear of what is beyond the ever shifting dunes ahead. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I no longer have my bearings, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains.
We lay down together in the cool green grass, but I soon realize, once again it's an illusion. Like a mirage, in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and this time she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I must give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home.
The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look over my shoulder with each uncertain step. It has become second nature to worry about her, I will always feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an unfamiliar sensation and try to accept I no longer have the power to rescue her from the discontent she has felt her whole life, even worse, I realize the arrogance to think I ever could.
At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and in the knowledge that I will never see her again, what am I to do with the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose.
The witness of my existence now gone, my heart is tormented by waves of sorrow, like the breakers of some ancient sea crashing on a rocky shore. The primeval granite reduced to particles of sand, now long forgotten, so too will our story be relegated to a footnote, then fade on the parchment of time with each passing generation.
I pry upon the wind, hoping to hear her sweet voice one last time, the words of the promised land as she whispers, "I now know he truly love me". I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I have been blind for all those years, we should have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with an invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago, long before her happiness become the purpose of my life. Our special place by the lake will forever remain lost beyond the horizon and when she or I, the last of what was once “us” departs this terrestrial existence, no one will say “they were in love and are together again”.
Hi Russell, your beautiful prose moved me so deeply. You can use this same creative mind and depth of soul to imagine a spirit so expansive that you rewrite the narrative. I believe in your inner power, it starts with a seed you plant in your psyche. As a fellow romantic, I discovered that true love needs to be in a certain dose - redefine it based on a heaven on Earth and not an otherworldly ideal. Let your mind’s constructs be a worthy reflection of reality and you will find understanding.
This is the first time I’ve felt understood in a long time. Thank you.
Yes! Recognizing men does not take away from women. The woman's movement seems a little narcissistic, borderline and hysterical....sometimes.🤔
Hey Tara, the one thing that killed me was my level of denial. The clues of deception were there once I looked. I think we all take the power of denial for granted.
Thanks again for the info. It’s helped me understand a lot of what I experienced in my previous relationship.
Me and my daughter snuck out as soon as she turned 18 ... moved out 1 day while our Borderline was away at work ... we escaped to Europe where she could not get to us
For me it was because I didn't understand that I needed to leave instead of trying to make it better. Thanks for the training mum🤤
That's most of us men
Vegeta this sounds like my son at the moment. I’m here trying to find help in supporting him now that he has finally left. It’s so sad to see how “torn down” he is 😢.
I asked her to leave. I got the children. My children begged me to Divorce there Mother.. It was.a matter of timing.. She is very much accurate. It was a step up for me.
This is so true. My former sister in law is currently getting divorced from my older brother and despite she being the one who had alcohol and drug abuse problems, she's the one who's been awarded custody of their daughter and I can't believe how messed up that is!
THIS!!!! We need a bigger spotlight on this topic please! -A Mom
Thank you. I have already had my kids blocked from me with a false protection order and my x was the one that hit me.
I have seriously wanted to die!!! I absolutely love women and would be the 1st in their corner! But being a dad absolutely kills me in family court!
Thanks god is a woman who is saying this, men and women have to support each other against abuse.
One therapist told me "where two fight two are guilty", after being alienated. I felt abused by her as well.
Therapy needs a serious overhaul. They know which side their bread is buttered on. Honest critique and anything other than blaming the man results in losing the client.
Exactly, violence and abuse is wrong wether it's inflicted on Women or Men. In my country there's a department for something like "abused women and family orientation", No other option. I might be the only guy that has filed a case against an abusive obsesive borderline girl who made life hell ! Thanks Dr. T. It's been a few years now. I keep attracting crazy, but at least now I can see the code of "the matrix" thanks to you...
I salute your boldness. Is time to start speaking up against abuse by women!!!
I am a female and a dv survivor myself. When i saw how a male friend was treatec after he was abuseed that lead to a hospital stay. It made me sick!! I've been wanting to open a shelter for men for years now but I have no money to start one or even know where to start.
Look into grants
Your videos just keep getting better and better
best thing I did in my adult lifetime was put a restraining order on her. Men, protect yourselves.
Thank you, Dr. Tara !
The video should have 10 million views but it goes to show how ignorant the world is on such matters.
This was my newly ex wife to a T.
I really needed this to understand that Im not crazy that my ex did this to me as well as turning the step children on me when their own bio dad lives 3 miles away and has never been involved
I just wish i had someone to help me through all this but sadly im the first in my family to divorce in 30 years..
Now im the #BlackSheep
I can’t express enough how much of a legend you are DR T!!!! Thank you so much again for helping close the alienation window most of us men feel who have been alienated from our kids!
Nice! Thank you! My ex just left me 3 weeks ago to go back his kids mom. His ex kept the kids away from him for 2 years which was the time we were together! His kids mom stabbed him and hit him in the head with a iron and also called the police and told them he molested their daughter! And I wasnt hurt he went back to her. I was more upset of how he did it!! We were together on a friday he was gone on a Saturday!! After 2 years. He left we NO CONTACT !! So If i didnt see them together in the store i would have never known!! But i do understand he wanted to be in his kids life
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you! I left and moved far away, leaving my daughter behind with her mother... her mother was physically and verbally abusive. I moved to Seattle, only to find there's zero help for Male DV victims.
Thanks Dr. T , you have no idea how much this hits home for me.You truly are a wise woman. Your objectivity is a a breath of fresh air. Nice Christmas tree, keep up the good work. Looking forward to your next video.
Thanks, Dave. I appreciate your support.
Followed your work for some time now, when it clicked I was in an abusive relationship I came across the shrinkformen forum in 2015 . I was still in the relationship back then, but when I found your work I was terrified! It awakened me to the situation I was in, I love you for that x. Of course we are no longer together but we have 2 (surprise) kids who I love dearly and we parents continue a manageable relationship with each other, thanks largely to studying your Videos, posts and commitment to this subject! The kids are doing good and we spend lots of time together, more than many ppl at the crap end of this scenario. Thanks so much DR. T. Love. Paul.
Thank you for speaking the truth- I am one of those men. Screamed at, had things thrown at me, temper tantrums, withholding intimacy, threatening to divorce me, endangering our lives. I'm so stupid that I won't stop loving her and leave. Worried about leaving my daughter with her too.
This hits so many nails right on the head!
There are all of 2 mens shelters in the country, last i heard
Thank you. It high time that people started accepting the uncomfortable truth that a large percentage, if not the greater percentage, of Narcs are women. It's a survival tactic and encouraged by the larger culture and whatever-wave-of-feminism we are in now. I stayed in a abusive (in every sense of the word) "relationship" (more of a hostage situation) well past the expiration date. Sadly, almost two years out the pain lingers and I'm not the same person anymore. I'm terrified of women and people in general. And doubt I will ever let another person get anywhere near me.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through that. I hope there are better days ahead for you. Therapy helps. Consider giving it a try. Make sure you find someone who understands the type of things you’ve been through.
My asian ex-wife was abusive. I think I stayed for FOG and fear of getting really scr**ed in divorce court. I just said f it and left. Lost a lot but I think I can rebuild.
To answer the title of the video. BECAUSE I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO.
this video is painful but needed .. hits home in a major way .. Thank you Dr. T
You're welcome.
The borderline who downvoted this video must be a real joy to be with.
Not necessarily a borderline, could be a narcissist
Lmaoooooooooo straight up
The mother of my child hits me. Like in tha face punch. It was like 4 times but thats not ok. I didn't cheat or anything. Paid all the rent and bills work as much as I can. Take care of most things so she doesn't have to. Yet she said i was worthless and that I was pathetic and lazy. Im a monster in her eyes and apparently pretty stupid too. I can't take it anymore day in and day out so I just left her. I'll take care of my child but I can't be around someone who is dehumanizing me or threatening me by taking my soon to be child away. I took care of almost everything. And spent so much money. And now I'm broke and she has my wallet because she locked me out of our apt when I was getting some clothes together for work and whatever thr next few days. I paid 800 for and apt I got kicked out of and treated like trash.
I have been watching Cluster B related videos for a bit, and they were fine, but left something to be desired.
...but now I found you, and you bring the red pills the others lack. Congrats, you might be the best on UA-cam in this area.
It is worked into the fabric of our culture to support women who claim to have been abused by a man, but virtually nothing exists to help men who have been abused by a woman. Even pastors of churches won't touch that one.
Thank u. For this video..I'm living this nightmare x2..ad a man...no one know what's its like from the outside
You are worth it. detaching sucks.
how are you now?
I have a male friend in an abusive relationship. I have been trying to help and support him for a couple of years now, hoping he would leave her. Telling him he doesn't have to live this way...She manipulate and gaslight him, lies to him, blames him for everything in her life, stonewall's him ect.. She blew up at him recently and hit him .. He has how cut all ties to me and we don't speak anymore, because he is "Fighting for the relationship" :( What the hell can I do to help him?
It’s been my experience that women have their own police force to use at any whim as well
I'm so thankful for finding your videos. I am going through all these things at the same time. I feel ashamed I'm begging my abuser to treat me like a person. To recognize me as a human being. Even though I keep winning in court, the narcissistic rage that comes with winning just a 50/50 custody split is almost amazing to witness. Want to have a really bad day? Bring up her non stop cheating during the marriage. You won't hear I'm sorry. Not ever. You will find out all the reasons you deserve to be cheated.
Omg. I’m amazed how you actually describe it perfectly. I’ve lived it for 40 years. Thankyou.
This is a very important video!!! So great to see somone bringing attention to this!!
I stayed a while to protect my daughter. Then got out, it was necessary. False allegations followed + custody dispute. After two years I mananged to prove myself innocent of all false allegations and have 50 % custody. Now my focus is to protect my daughter against a mother with NPD.
There were and are no support at all to get if you're a man. You're fighting alone! The NPD ex got several feminist organisations to support her. It has changed my view of feminists and their organisations (I believe many of them are simply NPD/BPD), of society in general, and of the legal system. It's a form of apartheid and the children are often the real victims. In my case truth prevailed but I was probably just lucky.
Omg this is right on point😱. This woman tells all the truth. I wish she was my wife therapist.
Great Video, thanks Dr T. By the way, I'm now out the other side of an horifically abusive relationship with a BPD woman and your book 'Say Goodbye to Crazy' was excellent, saved my sanity on a number of occasions, has ultimately helped me to recover from the nightmare and maintain a regular and great relationship with my son. Anyone else out there being emotionally and mentally tortured by a BPD woman, buy the book, read the book, keep the faith, hang tough and watch Dr T's videos. It is survivable, I'm still here and have said goodbye to my Crazy (or at least have so reduced her impact on me to the point I can get on with my own life again).
We need to get you on Joe Rogan
Tommy Gore yes!!!!!!!
He would actually be cancelled for that.
Absolutely loved this video! I just met a great guy that got out of a 12 yr abusive relationship with his ex wife. I'm trying to understand his situation more.
P.s. Love your house!
Why don't I leave? Because she'll get everything and I will get stuck paying. Just last week she wacked me with my daughter's shoe while I was on my knees picking up the mess she deliberately left on the floor. Today she yelled at me to cut the shrubs as soon as I walked in the house. When I said "I just walked in" she replied in an insane way yelling and cursing. She even came at me when I told her to get away. I left the house because I don't want my daughter seeing this. When I told her to stop swearing she said, "fuck fuck fuck fuck".
I can so relate to that.
This is the most direct and accurate depiction of this issue. The current culture contradicts the truth
I was being abused but I just looked at it as being normal since I thought I had to just take it since I am the man. Looking back on it, I was a fool and I was taken for granted, big time.
I'm happy to see you making videos. Your advice has been so useful to me over the years.
You're welcome, Richard. Glad to have been of help.
I’m here to find ways to support my son now that it is over. This video is my first. (Haven’t watched it all yet, as I started reading comments as they are kind of a review lol). I want to make sure I do my part as a mother to help him overcome all he has been through as he tries to put himself back together. Wish us luck please. I myself have overcome a dangerously abusive relationship, in the past, but to see your son suffer is no comparison. I feel for anyone in any type of abusive relationship. I am praying for you all.
You are not alone. Prayers right back at cha
Thank you for saying "can we stop the whataboutisms! "Thank you for educating us all, men and women!
We dont leave her because we care about her , even though shes impossible.
This is scaringly accurate thanks!
Happy to see you put out video content all of a sudden (I don't have much time for reading nowadays). You're a really good presenter!
Although Europe has different views on the code of law depending on country, your video still stays relevant. Thanks Dr. Tara Palmatier
I didn’t realize till a friend of mine said that’s not normal that’s verbal abuse.
My daughter is the thing holding me back but I know I may have to
This is very insightful! We need to hear this from somewhere because society makes all those bias comments and make it so much harder to leave the toxic relationship Along with religion
I am a man who is 71 years of age and been married for 50years to my narcissistic wife . Which is still going on . Work all my life . Did not leave because of the kids when I was younger . Kids are now adults . They have been turned by my wife . For me I would leave tomorrow if I had the money . But it's too late as my sister keeps telling me . how I got this far I don't know . Anyway thanks for seeing the other side if you get my meaning . This married as taken it's tole on me .
Thanks you very much
As someone who is concerned about women's issues this was refreshing to hear. Finally someone gives an experienced objective perspective on domestic abuse towards men. I've had female relatives whose behaviour went unchecked but their husbands, the children and future generations suffered because of it. I'm tired of the stereotype that women are the 'weaker' sex. This has backfired and led to some women behaving horribly and not being held accountable because the damage they could do is underestimated. Some men even brush off this behavior as being 'cute' or a 'challenge'. This behaviour flows over into how they treat other women around them - esp their daughters - as well. Men really need to be more selective in who they choose to be the mothers of their children and that comes with having high self esteem. A lot of men out here are not as confident as they may seem to be. Never reward bad behaviour.
First, I'd like to say, I have never posted on a site before. Secondly, thank you for what you do. I have been all over the internet researching and trying to educate myself on the topic of "men being abused by female partners."
I am a 60 yr old mom who is so, so very worried about my 36 yr old son. He is in an abusive relationship with his 44? Yr old girl friend. He has shared almost all of what is happening with me, I think, I hope.
I have been very supportive of him and have offered a safe place for him to come to, when he is ready.
I've made many suggestions, including, maybe he might want to educate himself on abusive relationships.
I fear for his safety.
While educating myself, I found your video on "why men stay..."
I shared it with him, along with a message that read," thought it might help to hear from someone other than your mom, and a Dr., to boot..."
All the behaviors you point out in this video, are exactly the behaviors he describestranged as being subjected to, by her.
It really scares me.
I really believe that she has done this before. She has been married twice, that I know of. Is still married to #2, arguing that divorce is expensive, but coming soon. My son has lived with her for 2 years... I'm not suprised. I don't know how many boyfriends in between, but her 15 yr old daughter, (one of four kids, 15, 12, 8 and 7? 3 girls one boy, the youngest) said to her mother, " no wonder why you can't keep a job or a boyfriend..." My point, I believe she's a serial abuser.
Lastly, I am worried about these children. I can't talk to her mother, cause we've never met. I'm sure that's all part of the abusive cycle. I think that they need to be protected.
She includes them in her "CRAZY. "
Just wanted to add, that I am a survivor of abuse, myself. I later married a wonderful man, who was the best stepdad a kid could ever want. 30 yr relationship. We lost him 4 yrs ago, to cancer. We're all still grieving. My son is still dealing with this, too.
So, it took me 8 yrs to get out of an abusive relationship. I know what he's going through. I also know how delicate the situation can be.
There are not many places he can turn to. I am so happy he has turned to me, I hope he turns to you, too.
Thank You for taking the time,
Sarah
Let me put it this way, for the readers here: I spent 499 days in court defending myself against a woman off her meds (cold turkey from SSRIs) with a history of violence and suicide attempts. I knew her total for 7 months. No marriage (she was already married), no kids (she had kids at 15 years old), not living together. It never made it to trial, because the whole "feminist" team behind the accusation, messed it up huge. I've been single since 2004.
Brother? I feel you. went through a relationship with a person with BPD, court fighting with her to take a DNA test for two children she claim that are mine and will not submit to a DNA test for one. The other still waiting for the results due to the state making her take it. And 7 years ago I packed up, took one duffle bag with very few clothes, walked out into the freezing rain and left not only a toxic and very abusive relationship mental as well physically leaving racist town in Indiana. Thank god for this intellectual woman that takes her time to warn people of these toxic individuals that could ruin your life. I am just sadden I didn't find this channel or many like it before I got into this one and one recently that lasted 4 years with a person I believe that suffers from NPD. Well, better late than never.
7 months seems to be the magic number. Both of my borderline relationships fully disintegrated at this point.
@@WillMartelinspire Im glad you got away.. They usually always will try to trick and manipulate you back, be VERY careful and good luck to you..stay strong
Women the kinder gentler gender? I think not! Many of my ex girlfriends were emotional and sexually abusive. Yes, I said sexually abusive. Constantly shamed me and verbally abused me if I didn't want to have sex as much as they did and if I didn't do exactly what they wanted in other area. They would not take no for an answer when it came to sex. The hypocrisy is stunning.
The cultural conditioning was pervasive from Day 1. I am relieved to be wide awake realizing I was sold a bill of goods, but now comes the hard work of realigning my life to the norms that reside in the core of my being. My 6-year-old son means everything to me and I want him to flourish.
I need to divorce this insane woman.
Dr. Palmatier, Well done. Thanks for this valuable explanation. I appreciate your work and stewardship.
thank u for talking about men!!! both my husband and son have had crazy women. sick of them not getting locked up
Your tree looks beautiful and your house seems HUGE! 😀 Love from Scotland 🙋✌
This woman is amazing! Speaks the truth! We need more females to understand her way of thinking.
Yikes! I hit just about every one of these points. Lost all assets, completely biased court system, continue to pay all extra income next 14 years, Ex controls the 'narrative', false abuse allegations, I pay all attorney fees, stay-at-home didn't contribute anything (Dr. Mario/Tetris though, not Candy Crush), etc etc. Like every single one. Crazy.
Most men suspect that there is no such thing as a non abusive relationship. Given that, most men don't know abuse until it becomes violence..
Those that do.. Avoid relationships. I think it's going to self correct over time.