The hardest part is knowing you reached out to so many people you trusted, and they all rolled their eyes at you. Then, when you finally break free, everyone looks at you like you're the problem. 😢
That's because for the longest time before you break free, the narc was going behind your back and telling said people that YOU were/are the problem so by the time you get a chance to talk to them or even simply be their presence, you're constantly getting side eyes because the only story they know is what's been told to them by the narc. The narc will drill that anti-you narrative in their heads and they will eat it right up-- that's because another thing the narc will do is make themselves the poor little victim while they're drilling that anti-you narrative in other people's heads. My mother (my narc) has done the same things to the point where I don't even really talk to certain people because I feel like they've been tainted by her because of the things she's said to them about me. I don't know about you and your narc, but I can always tell when my mother has been talking about me behind my back to people when I'm having conversations with them. It's just certain little things that they say that stand out that let me know I've been the topic of conversations between my mother and them and that let's me know they believe whatever she has told them about me. Sometimes they don't even have to say anything because it's just a vibe you get where you can instantly tell that you've been talked about. I don't know how to describe it and I know it sounds weird but I swear it's a real thing.
YESSSS!!!!! WHY DO THEY DO THAT!!!! Yes! My family never believed me, they rolled their eyes at me and now after i cut off contact with my crazy narc mother, suddenly they're shocked how I cut them all off.
Yeah. I came to embrace the loneliness to my "core" because attention meant pain; now I'm a schizoid. My mother is so good at gaslighting and lying all together, she used to brag how she got away from beating us, but the MPs (military police) checked the wrong thigh, or came a few days late and the bruises healed
Funny enough let's just say some authorities have had to step in and let her know how blinded she is to just exactly how strong I am. They've had to tell her that if she just would have been a good mother she would have gotten everything she wanted in terms of her ego boost and pride in being able to brag about my successes. Oh well, not my problem. She creates this mess not me
And become completely unhinged when you terminate the relationship with your abusers completely. NC: The best gift you can give yourself and model appropriate Boundaries for your kids. We don’t associate with rude abusive people regardless of DNA affiliation.
Yeah. That is why you may have to learn to pull away from certain people altogether. Because you have to protect the purpose God gave you, your peace, your joy, your sanity with EVERYTHING in you. I pray your strength in the Lord, AND I pray that you choose to be led by the spirit, voice, will, and power of GOD IN JESUS ' NAME. AMEN.
So at this point you’re no longer a victim, you’re a volunteer. How’s that “emotional regulation” workin’ for you?! It’s workin’ just great for them. When is it your turn to be treated with dignity and respect, you ask? A as soon as you want to make it happen. Life was never meant to be a a Life Sentence. Unless you’re a child or a hostage you can walk away when ever you decide. For all your sakes, I hope it’s soon.
Yes, exactly, and that's precisely why it's so hard to explain to outsiders! 💯 When telling them about any one specific "cut" (out of the thousand), the incident may seem small and trivial to the listener, and they just wonder why it's such a big deal... 😡 ...unable to see the FOREST for all the individually less profound *"Trees."*
They constantly belittle, criticize, or give the cold shoulder until you accomplish something or something good happens. Then they’re a scowling teen or a jealous child and have an adult toddler temper tantrum. You CAN’T win with these people. My mother actively held me back because she couldn’t take anything good happening for me-putting myself through school, getting a degree, introducing a boyfriend. She couldn’t STAND any activity that didn’t revolve around HER.
Even if we accomplish amazing things they don't acknowledge it this made me realise I m the scapegoat I just hope god lets me get away from them and move out
Let me guess, infront of the others you are inteligent, beautiful and capable because of her, but when in between four eyes you are, naive, inexperienced and incapable of surviving without her. And ofcourse everything she has done was just because of your well being 😂
It's abuse! I finally couldn't take it anymore. I thought I was losing my mind. All the emotional games narcissistic parents play to get control, supply, start fight, and then play the victim card for sympathy. The abusive cycle will never end. I had to leave the entire toxic family system.
No contact is the golden path. Believe me. I did grey rockig for years. That's okay if you just want to survive. But healing started after I went no contact.
No contact is the best route. I went no contact for 12 yrs. My younger brothee convinced me that my Father had changed. Nope 4 yrs of grey rocking and my sisters are mad at me for not being around when they were growing up. Or even very often now as an adult. Being around my father triggers me and when I go home all the trauma comes back. It's better to just go no contact and wait for the others to wake up, then to try to wake them up. Just experienced a flying monkey event yesterday. I was the scapegoat who got away. Now I'm just a crazy black sheep to them.
I had to cut ties with my narc mom. I didn’t realize what I was dealing with until the last year. Explains why I picked the partners I did. Healing is enlightening
I cut ties with all the narcs in my family (all of them) back in 2018. It's a good decision, but a difficult one to live through the years. You run out of answers when people ask what are you doing on holidays, or in a job interview they ask and you want to keep it casual, or comes Christmas and you are spending it alone. I wouldn't do anything different, but I wasn't prepared for the anxiety of all those questions, the aftershock ruminations and self blaming. I hope this helps anyone to be prepared.
I did that nearly 30 years ago, and here's the tell that I did the right thing: I have never missed her at all. The idea of having a mom I could trust, maybe, but certainly I have never missed the one I actually had, who is just not capable of being what I needed her to be.❤
Omg same here last year I woke up from the spell of “my poor mom is a victim and I need to save her.” Now I see she was abusing me the whole time. I cut her off a few months ago. Hope you are being gentle on yourself as you heal. Not an easy path and it’s worth it.
I was 6 years old - I had made an art project and the teacher had thought it good enough to be hung on the classroom wall. When my dad came to pick me up from school that day, I was so excited that I dragged him to the classroom to see my art project. I remember vividly how excited I was and how he grumbled about how his time was being wasted all the way to the classroom. My teacher was still in the room grading some papers. My dad didn't even glance at the art project i so happily showed him - but walked up to my teacher and told her horrible things about me... all made up... how i was dirty and undisciplined. This was my punishment for daring to ask him to take the slightest interest in me, his 6 year old daughter. It was a lifelone pattern of invalidating and/or insulting me for anything i was "proud of".... good grades, a new dress, anything at all. It meant ignoring me when there was no audience. Or if there was an audience (teachers, relatives) - insulting and mocking my achievement and calling me demeaning names. Or physical beatings when he felt like it. It could be something as simple as a 6 year old's art project that would set him off. His fragile ego couldn't even handle that. He is dead now. The world is a slightly better place.
That’s how my mother is she really got me to the point to where I can’t stand her ass now and all I ever did was help her and do for her I wish she can trade places with my deceased dad and bring him back 😢
I hope the little girl in you remembers… there are people who would have loved to have seen your art project and told you that it was amazing. Not all people should be parents. It helps to be kind to yourself as you get older and being a better parents to your own kids (if you have them/choose to have them) helps with the healing. Wishing you the very best in life.
My mom would always say: my children are my best friends. Only for me to realize decades later that it was a cover so that she can trauma dump her personal and marital issues on me and my brother. Thank you again, Dr. Ramani.
She will expect servitude until she dies, sucking the life out of you without even batting an eye. You do not owe her for being born. Live your life Now.
I’ve been there.. you’re just a slave, specially if it is a step parent. I remember my step dad yelling for me from the kitchen… so I ran from my room the other side of the house see what he wanted… he was sitting at the table, and wanted me to turn on the fan that was pointing at him, sitting on the floor literally right next to him. The dude was absolutely fine, not helpless, but too lazy to stand up and take one step.
It's emotional and psychological ABUSE, period. My MN mother used me as a therapist and emotional punching bag my entire life. She would badmouth my father and his family constantly, forcing me to hear the same stories over and over again for decades (even after I asked her to stop- she actually became offended).
I am currently pushing 60 years old and I've only recently realized what I went thru as a child. Not only have I been grieving terribly for that little child, but I'm also seeing why my whole life has been so problematic. I've been in complete denial my whole life. That barrier to healing has finally been broken. Thank you so much for your heartfelt informative videos.
Might I suggest that it's not that you've been in denial your whole life, it's perhaps that you knew nothing else and didn't know that the bad things happening to you were not your fault. Now you have a framework for understanding your childhood, thanks to Dr. Ramani. Best wishes.
I think we were so groomed and gaslight that we couldn't see the truth of our NM. Plus, let's face it...They were supposed to be a safe person for us...a soft spot...that they took advantage of us & their position.
I too often hear the excuse by unhealthy parents, especially narcissistic ones, that it's the child's fault for being so difficult. When in reality the child's "difficult" behavior is a response to the abuse/misuse because they don't know how to process it. Then this becomes a despicable cycle of the child reacting to the abuse/misuse and then the parent using the response to justify more abuse/misuse. The scary part is that a child is dependent on the parent for survival and by the time they are old enough to take care of themselves they are ill equipped to do so due to this poor parenting rollercoaster. It's a lose-lose situation. 😟
I was a golden child and and loved my narc father so much. He did no wrong in my eyes, until I became a teenager and started to see the wrong things. Then I became the truth teller and became the scapegoat. The abuse got so bad that at eighteen I had to rent a house and scape with my mom and my two brothers. My mom was a shell of a person…. And even accused me of taking her out of her house. He was charming, everybody loved him. He ended up dying last year, while suing us ( me and my brothers ) to support him. The whole family accused us of abandoning him. Old wounds were fresh again. I’m in pieces. Learning about narcissism is helping me to cope. To the point I’ve become obsessed. Finally it started to make sense… and finally I’m accepting none of that was actually my fault…. It’s unfair…..
I hope you keep learning from Dr. R and can come to a place of peace and healing your psyche. Once the narcissistic pattern is clear to us, you have a chance to truly heal from the abuse. It was never your fault.
Hello friend, your message has touched me. Please hear this: you DID abandon your father and you did RIGHT. He had not earned your love. For it is not due, despite what our surrounding culture wants to believe. To the people who tell you that you are a bad son, now reply that he was a bad father, very different to what he might have told them. And leave it at that. It is none of their business. The shame is on them for not seeing the abuse when you were a child and they were the adults (presumably), it is on them for passing judgement without seeking both sides of the story. They are misguided people and you don’t need them in your life. I am glad that he was suing you and your brothers. It means that you were all in agreement about his character, right? That is the family you need, right there. You are a very sound person and a caring one too. See how you took care of your mother, of your siblings when what you needed to do was to take care of yourself. You could easily have done it and walked away. But you did not. You chose to help. You are in control of your life now, it is time to give yourself the care that you gave to other people. I hope that Dr Ramani’s work is helping. I also like Dr Carter. I wish you healing ❤️🩹
I held onto a respect for one of my mother's sisters, who was the only family member that took time for me, my mother's scapegoat, until she made the comment that she "didn't think we had it so bad". The abuse and neglect that my siblings and I suffered at the hands of our narcissistic mother was "forbidden knowledge" to everyone outside our dysfunctional house. The drunkenness and violence of our stepfather was horrendous, and always instigated by our mother, as she seemed to thrive on violence. I included my aunt in my decision to go no-contact with my entire family. My siblings became enablers, and sheep.
I'll never forget when I became an adult, I noticed my mom's eyes looked dead when talking to me. It felt like a switch went off when I became an adult, like she no longer cared about me in any way shape or form. She had no empathy, she didn't prepare me for adulthood and I was set out in the world with nothing. She didn't care for my struggles or pain. In her mind, I had it better, no matter the circumstances than she did. In her mind she had sacrificed 18 years of her life and youth to raise me and it haunts her. I've always felt responsible for ruining her life even though I was a planned pregnancy.
I was abused by my mother and have PTSD as a consequence. Like you, my mother frequently told me that I had “ruined” her life and that she had never wanted me. It destroys us - to feel so cast out from our mother’s affection, alone and unwanted - and we do internalise the blame. We can’t rationalise, as a child, that it isn’t our fault. We think that there is something unloveable about us. But here’s the thing… we DID NOT ask to be born. And here’s another thing… EVERY child deserves to be loved and to have a peaceful, safe childhood. We had no influence over our mother’s life choices. Your mother chose to bring you into this world. She has a responsibility to care for you. She should have prepared you for adulthood. She should want to alleviate your struggles and pain. It is her failings - as a mother, and as a normal, empathic human - that has caused this situation. Narcissists always shift blame and responsibility to other people. Please do not carry the blame. You did not ruin her life. You were the blessing in it and she is too unwell to realise. x
It's because you have developed your own opinions and mindset. That scares these narcissists. "Oh no, this child isn't going to agree with everything I say. They're not going to obey whatever I asked them to do and now they have enough knowledge to use it against me. Time to use Plan B. "
I endured so much trauma from narcissistic parents and siblings that I literally shook as a child and I couldn't stop shaking. The siblings called me shaky and thought it was cute.
@@brigitte9999 Well I was there, I would think I would know. She was like super mom, actually, and then when I went to college it was as if a switch flipped. It was so strange.
@Christine Robertson, funny how you mentioned keeping the children away, because I myself decided long ago NOT to have children because I didn't want my mother to be around my kids. I'm 55 now, and she still tries to guilt me about not giving her grandkids. In fact, she'll do it in front of other people trying to intensify the guilt and humiliate me. I wanted so desperately to tell her it's because I didn't want her around my kids, and that she didn't DESERVE to be a grandmother, but I was afraid of the repercussions had I told her the truth. Its sad, though, because I really wanted kids. Also, I was afraid of raising my kids the way I was raised 😢. Oh well, I do, however, thank God for therapy. It is a lifesaver!
Thank you for this. I am a survivor of 2 narcissistic parents. At the age of 7, I knew something was wrong with them, especially my mother, I just didn't know what it was. It's too long for me to go into, but I endured a lot from these people. I set boundaries, and they disrespected it. My mother would show up at my house unannounced, birthday parties for my kids just to tell me off because I didn't invite her....I can go on forever. My siblings and extended family enable her and hardly speak to me, and I know it's due to her smearing my name because she takes no accountability and is always the victim. I even wound up dating a narcissist in my teens' early twenties because I thought this behavior was normal!. Flash forward 40 years... I know who I am, and I know what they are. I sharpened my scissors, and I cut these cancers out of my life. It wasn't easy, and I mourned it like a death. I felt like a switch went off in my head, and I just said,"I'm done." I was done feeling bad and dealing with rude, childish behaviors. I'm grateful to have a supportive husband and 3 amazing kids who witnessed firsthand how badly my parents treat/speak to me. I told my kids that as awful as it was growing up with them, they taught me what I never wanted to be... so I guess something good came out of that experience. With the narcissists and their flying monkeys out of my life, I feel healthy, clean, and whole. Took me 40 years to get here, but better late than never. Thank you again for your words of wisdom, Dr.Ramani.
I was in the Almost identical situation except my mom was divorced so it was just her. Because of Dr RAMANI and as part of my healing I too started a channel supporting women who endured this type of abuse. Thanks again Dr RAMANI !!!!!
I could have written this. The grief of accepting we are done was very hard. It was for the greater good, my kids are flourishing, I’m flourishing. They are all better off left in the past. For a while I let my mom berate me and be rude to me, the minute I noticed her being rude to my kids, that was it for me.
A sad realization about these amazing videos is that if you feel a level of emotional labor just to watch it, you may already have trauma due to narcissistic abuse. Every time I see one, I think "Oh this is going to be useful... but it's going to be so difficult to watch." And sometimes I have to just save it for later.
The avalanche of knowledge Dr. R. pours out on the internet is way to much to comprehend in one go anyway. Your brain would explode if you tried. Give your subconscious brain some time to figure it out and rejoice the fact that you're heading in the right direction.
@@LSMH528Hz no it's very easy to comprehend, just not the kind of stuff that you'd want to listen to on a relaxing day or while at work. It can retrigger past emotions and anxieties.
I was definitely misused by my mother, I had to regulate her feelings and her moods. It was always about her and i was treated like i was an extension of herself! Now, i have slowly distanced myself from her! But i have picked partners that were similar to her! Narcissistic parents really do a number on childs psych and emotionally!
Me too. All of it. I have definitely picked more than a few partners like that also,. Thanks for sharing your experience. I found this video especially validating to what we have been through.
I don't have to regulate her feelings but she always projects her problems and make it like I am the one who made mistakes so she can feel better about herself . Even today in the adulthood, she is grieving about death of her husbands cousin that she had an affair with. She messaged me that my husband would leave me if I don't change. Then my husband messaged her and told her he doesn't want me to change. She replied maybe she is too sensitive since the death of her husband cousin. And talked about suic1d3
Narcs view their children as an extension of themselves, that's why they cross all boundaries and constantly trying to have toxic enmeshments so they can try to control and abuse their own children for eternity, I am serious, when they die they want to become ghosts to continue abusing their own children, they actually firmly believe that their children is forever their property, objects, tools, and punching bags for eternity. Because narcs truly hate themselves so they project their self hate and their problems onto their own children, they dump their bad personality and bad behaviors upon you and frame you and blame you, while what's good of you they copy, they stalk and copy everything you do, while they are envious of your youth, they want to constantly "prove" to you and to their theatrical stage that "you copy them and they are better than you" ... Narcs are extremely jealous and competitive against their own children. Instead of beating themselves up from their own self hate, they beat up their own children to satisfy their self hate, shame, rage, and anger, that's why their rage are often physically violent, and or passive aggressive manipulations to shame you and sabotage you. Narcs and psychos are the pathetic and evil.
Since I was a young child, I knew I was supply, but was powerless and confused by the 'big people' in my life. So, I stayed and played small; basically 'in service' until just before my 50th birthday. For many years, I was trained to abandon myself to please the unpleasables and approached my life with fear, guilt and obligation. Today, I continue to unlearn beliefs that didn't serve my mental and emotional health but served/regulated the disowned parts of my parents and myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani for uplifting and affirming your viewers, out loud. 🙏🏽
I'm doing the same. Middle aged also and I've decreased contact, worked on myself and about to free myself from the silly hurtful shenanigans. Better late than never
❤! So well said! I can totally relate to everything you said. Can’t thank Dr. Ramani enough for creating this channel & obviously opening so many people’s eyes. She’s created a “safe” community for all that suffer. People on here feel they are not alone & they’re not crazy.
My father acted like he cared to get me away from an abuser but then the abuse here is worse. He made a false accusation when at the doctor and a social worker walked in yesterday. After a lifetime of challenges following massive PTS/PTSD resulting from his severe manipulation and control of my beliefs. He severed the bond of a mother and daughter after my mom left him. He had me believing so many lies. I idolized him. I did succumb to his subjugation…me…caretaker role. He knew that’s what would be. 18. Drop the dream of an 18 yr old. The complete sadness and confusion I felt after he convinced me as a 5 year old we had a “ special relationship,” not like my twin siblings. To be his world when he wanted data on my mom and how to destroy her, he decides to be unsupportive of my dreams. Yes. He always had the expectation of me to serve him above all, first. After a life of lies but believing him honest. After forgiveness and hope that the relationship I thought we had might be salvaged, I came back. After a sexual assault and him calling me a --to my bf. After all the betrayal, I forgave. Invalidated, devalued, discarded. After faithfully serving a man who would go on for hours of how wonderful he is. Alll the sacrifices I made. Still, he reports me and falsely accuses me of harming him. He will have me arrested before o can just move bc his reputation is precious? Disgusting. The destruction of my relationship w my mom. I hardly knew of narcissism. Or the malignant type. Hours of rages after frustration grew when he couldn’t provoke the reaction/response he wanted from me. Last summer, I tried enduring my situation w someone abusing me. My spine was broken, among other bones broken. It was surely him suggesting and he asked me to come to to be with “dad” for help…i listen and he takes measures of desperation once I tell him I’m leaving. He told me he wanted to help me but that shouldn’t scared me. I held out but things got bad enough and I had to get out. He has isolates me. He seeks to destroy me by false accusations when I’m 2 weeks shy of moving. I need help. Please help me. I’ve recorded things. Like him giving an account of having wished sniper, after a full reputation destruction, all friends and family which would’ve otherwise supported me if not for his lies,
Thank you so much for this one, Dr Ramani!! Yes!!! I remember feeling EXTREMELY CONFUSED my entire childhood. Feeling "older" than my narc mother. Why is she looking to me for answers? She's the adult. I don't understand. Etc.... I will forever be grateful for you and this channel. So much love❤❤❤❤
@@LanguageExpert-hg8do Please take care of yourself first! I’m more than twice your age.Don’t follow in my footsteps! Don’t serve anyone but yourself! I hadn’t realized how much time I’d wasted serving narcissistic family members until I turned 58! Save yourself while you’re still young because believe me,TIME FLIES!
Wow this is mind blowing. My mom used to tell me this stories when I was a child of how men were so crazy for her, that she would always be the attention of the party, how even doctors and lawyers were all over her, how men were so infatuated for her that they would be willing to cheat on their wives, and my reaction as a child was always "oh okay..." and she would get angry at me. I just realized, she wanted my admiration.... how pathetic my god...
@@nmc1859 He was not, she would say that she was wooed by all this hot successful guys but she didn't wanted to date them, instead she choose a nice family guy. More like she chose a deeply codependent guy that would never go against her. I grew up seeing my dad humiliated all the time by her.
That sounds so much like my father in law. He’s always going off about how when he was in high school he had all the girls falling for him & that his wife (my mother in law) fought with his girlfriend at the time for my father in laws attention. He always laughs about it & boasts. Even has a picture of himself when he was younger as his lock screen on his phone & will always go “see! I was a catch!” It’s so disrespectful how he’ll go off & say those things in front of his wife. My brother in law rolled his eyes once when he went off about another one of his stories & my father in law got so mad
Grandiose narcissists tend to be good looking. And this society feeds it bc appearance is so important to a large piece of society. The coverts tend to be less attractive. Not at the top like they believe
"You never need to be another person's tool of regulation".... My entire childhood consisted of silently enduring my mother's rage attacks, because she couldn't handle my dad's alcoholism and I was the easiest target on the horizon to take it out on. It's funny how HE was the one with the addiction, yet I never felt afraid or in danger because of him. SHE was always the respectable, o so moral, well put together teacher at our local high school, and I was terrified of HER my entire life. Yesterday she raged at me again for half a day because she didn't like a simple, normal question I asked her. I am 25 and these were the last holidays I ever spent with this monster.
My mother taught me it's not appropriate to show ur having a good day or feel good if they're not. It's almost considered selfish to her. But when she's feeling good, why would there possibly be a good reason for me to feel horrible? It was in those times, she would irk me with empty sayings "life is short, you have to enjoy it" "I'm simple, it's doesn't take much to make me happy". So irritating.
@@luispaula6419 there’s this person on UA-cam her name is spiritual whistle blower she also talks about narcissistic abuse she has good content on how to co parent with a narcissist check her out she’s really good I can imagine how hard it is to co parent with a narc prayers and good luck to you 😊
Yes, when all the bruises are inside your heart and mind, it’s hard to show people how it’s abuse. The “happens every day” is the key that makes it sooo unbelievably abusive.
My parents definitely were not worried about us kids and our well-being. They fed us and let us play sports or whatever, but it usually felt like they were doing it to seem part of society to their own benefit. No advice, no well-placed words of encouragement, little emotional connection, and no concern about our safety or comfort unless it was going to also affect them somehow. Drama was often encouraged where there didn't need to be any, though. 😕
I didn't go to my graduation ceremony at university. It was expensive for a lot of standing around all day and I thought 'I'll go if my parents show any interest'. They knew I had passed but never even asked me about the ceremony. It was quite telling. One of them did 3 months later when seeing my diploma on the wall.
My Mom was severely neglected as a child. I believe her parenting style of me, always had an underlying objective to prove to her parents that she was good at it. That she knew what she was doing. She lacked the insight to realize she was still trying to get her parents approval and attention. Although she read books before having me, to try and do better than her parents had, her lack of self worth would always hinder her abilities. When I did good, I was great. When I made mistakes, it was unacceptable. I was her reflection, the symbol of perfection she could never attain herself. And her lack of emotional control, was and still is, a terrible example of how to handle lifes obstacles.
I was told I wasn't abused even as I was regularly slapped on the face so hard my head would snap to the side and sometimes I would fall down and be concussed afterwards. But that wasn't abuse because what her mother did to her had been so much worse. Or because other people hit their children harder or more often. And I bet so many parents are still that way today.
You bet they are. Estranged Parent sites are overrun with these freaks screaming, rending clothes and gnashing their teeth over their “ungrateful, disrespectful, spoilt, entitled” (etc.) middle aged “brats” who finally, finally terminate the relationship with their abusers completely and back up that Boundary with law enforcement when they continue to stalk you.
Same, my mom slapped me so hard once, chipped my teeth, told me what’s the big deal, I took you to the dentist, it’s a miracle children survive with some parents
There's a common theme. The distorted notion some abusive narcissists have they can't ever be abusive compared to what they had to endure in the past. Like that's any justification for abusive behavior to begin with. I've even heard someone negate abusive behavior because she knew someone who's dad was a physically violent heavy alcoholic who beat her as a child. And I was thinking: "what does this have to do with your behavior "? They always seem to find some excuse for their own behavior somehow by pointing out even worse examples. Even if they never had to endure it themselves and only heard about it, lacking any kind of proof, it could even be some fictional gossip/slander story made up to dispatch the flying monkey's. These people have such anger inside.
exactly. my ears still ring from all the face slaps. my neck still hurts from all the face slaps. my parents definitely had it worse than i did, but that doesn't excuse their abusing tf outta me.
This video perfectly described my life as a pacifier for my mom. I ‘ve finally gone no contact with my family at 58,because I don’t know how much time I have on the planet to live my own life!
Im 60 years old and my mother died of heart failure a year ago. She put up with my narc father's abuse for 65 years. My two older brothers got out early, got married and had families. I stayed behind to possibly help her out of the house. I spent my life trying to get her out safely, but she believed in "till death do us part." He made sure she went first, not picking up the phones as she lay facedown on some pillows near her bed. He walked away like no big deal and was ready to go get his toenails trimmed after the paramedics hauled her out that day. They will suck the life out of you and then move on to the next victim, no guilt, no conscience, no shame. Don't waste your life on them like me and my mother did. They will never change.
honey, enjoy every minute of your life on your own terms. my parents were not narcissists, and we recovered and healed our relationship in adulthood, but they were abusive and neglectful and reared my sister to be a narcissist--i was the punching bag, the inconvenience. i was a 100% people-pleasing chameleon right up until i finally lived completely alone during the pandemic (i had been taking care of a dear family member who suddenly needed round the clock care i couldn't give because i work--thankfully, they're doing fine now but still need to live in a facility with 24/7 care). the pandemic was the first time IN MY LIFE i got to ask myself WHAT DO I WANT and then DO it. it's been 3 years now, and i swear it doesn't get old--not one bit. ENJOY EVERY MINUTE!
Since identifying my mom as a narcissist in my 50s, I'm seeing all the ways I was used and manipulated as a child (and beyond) and I just swallowed my feelings and endured it. In hindsight I can see her triangulation tactics across the whole family and how she used all of us for supply. My dad tried to create a happy family life for us and my mom took every opportunity to destroy it while playing the victim and blaming others. So many regrets over how long I put up with this.
Yes you do swallow the feelings and never talk about yourself because they use it against you , and never even asked about you or your day , but I'd always get do me favor , do me a favor . I moved at 18 and he did this til probably 30 . Do this do that I had kids and a narc husband , who is the same , I ask and ok , ok doesn't mean yes or no . You guessed it no none would do for me . Dad always needed cash as well .
Sometimes it's just easier to go along, to not make waves. But over time you realize that's all you ever do--go along. Yet your "turn" never comes, right? I'm sorry.
@@theresavanriessen1269 Exactly right. Your turn never comes. You can wait until you drop dead. They never notice that you've never had a turn because they're so busy taking for themselves.
same story I feel sad for my dad..But I always thought it was my dads problem..Never could have a great relation with him for my covert mom..Repenting my life for all these
same story...my father did his best and she would go behind everybody's back and destroy. After my dad died, I had to learn to never trust my family again.
The clever more resistant child became the black sheep because the child exposed the gaslighting of the mother and got punished for that. She favored the children who followed her commands and pleased her.
That was my childhood in a nutshell. By the time I was in Grade 7, I realized that my father was literally toxic to my mental health and actually told my mother that I wanted nothing to do with him. However she refused to believe me or accept the boundaries I was trying to set. For the next 30+ years, she kept pushing & guilting me to spend time with him in spite of my feelings. As an adult, I often find myself in toxic situations and have trouble getting.myself out of them.
My mother cannot comprehend the fact that it is not my obligation to regulate her emotions and make her feel better, she thinks i have to constantly pander and walk egg shells around her. She can't handle anything let alone the tiniest bit of transparency and then wonders why I'm so 'indifferent' and 'cold'. It doesn't matter what i do whether it's feverently playing the servant to her every whim, being her ever affirming echochamber, constantly giving reassurance and support, or whether I'm dispondant or depressed or completely numb to everything she throws at me. It is all the same regardless, there is no normal she will always be the victim-bully the oppressed/oppressor she crafts this twisted double standard around her wiry insecurities and throws wall- eyed fits if people don't let her just do what she wants without consequence.
I was physically abused by my father to a very serious level. I lived in a constant state of terror until my parents divorce. After that I was with my N mother. As a kid who experienced both, I will tell you that the physical abuse was MUCH easier to process and overcome. It was so blatant. All of society's messaging clearly told me that what was done to me was wrong. The most difficult thing to fix was the stupid flinching whenever someone made a sudden movement. That took me years, but was more frustrating for me than anything. It's damn difficult to stop a reflex. But the narcissistic abuse was so much more insidious. People thought my mother was *wonderful*. Nobody worried about me. Even when the school found out that we were homeless and that I was eating out of dumpsters with no medical care, they didn't help me. They felt sorry for my publicly charismatic mother. After I got away from my father, I never looked back. It was easy. It took me decades to leave my mom. I felt such guilt. She had me so convinced that she was dependent on me, and that if I left, she'd literally die. I was so sick of the refusal to accept the smallest boundary and the never ending need to feed her with time, attention, THINGS. And even that wasn't enough. She had to drive me to a literal nervous breakdown for my family to intervene and get me away from her. My own guilt and shame were too ingrained to do it on my own. Then it was two freaking YEARS of therapy to begin to see how she shaped, twisted, and warped my sense of self. How she robbed me of my confidence. How she robbed me of my accomplishments. The one positive is that I was so accustomed to self-sacrifice that I was a FANTASTIC mother. I literally drove myself to sickness putting my family ahead of myself. I will NEVER fully recover myself from that abuse. It's been ingrained in me for a lifetime. I am trying to enjoy MY time for the first time without guilt or shame for whatever time I have left.
i hope you do fully recover. my parents were abusive and neglectful but not narcissistic (although they reared my sister to be a narcissist). over time, the three of us healed our relationship, and we all became very close. but back in the day, virtually all parents hit their kids--and my parents hit me a lot. i'll never forget one time i was out with my dad in a store at the check-out line, and he made a sudden movement to scratch his ear, and i flinched HARD. and he was embarrassed because he knew that anyone who saw me flinch would realize that i was used to him hitting me. annoyed, he said, "stop flinching!" so, sassy 12-yr-old truth teller that i was, i said, "then stop hitting me!" and he said, "ehhh, you're getting too old to hit." rly? i thought...then maybe i can stop living in constant terror...?
This is not an uncommon feeling for women in controlling, manipulative relationships (coercive control). They will often say it would’ve been better if there was physical assault, and you explain why so succinctly. The twisted mind games are so much harder to overcome. But it’s just as abusive!
I was raised in a mental and physical abuse riddled home. As a young child I knew it was wrong, and through the years I spoke out. I was 6. From that point on I was considered the bad child. My siblings were raised thinking all the stresses of family and life were all caused by me. I know this is untruth, but they still try to hold that storyline. I finally walked away after 48 years of feeling I owed loyalty to family. My words of strength right now in my life.. “watch me go, from here I grow” to anyone else dealing with narcissistic family or loved ones.. you won’t fix it.. you do not owe them anything. You do owe yourself kindness❤
Not every situation is hopeless. I spent most of my adult years working on forgiving my mom for her extreme emotional abuse of me. I was her whipping boy. As a teen, I tried to find mothers day cards that had no expressions of love or closeness, because I felt such dislike, bordering on hatred. With God's help, I reached a place of love and am cherishing the short time she has left. She's still a narcissist, but I'm no longer a child. I see her clearly for who she was to me, but I have finally worked out a loving relationship with her, which is priceless to me. She still can be vicious and irrational, but I don't succomb to it. I can separate her behaviors from her as a person, knowing her fears and insecurities that drive her behavior. I'm so grateful I don't have to carry around bitterness, hatred, and guilt anymore. I feel I've salvaged a love I always wanted as a sad, scared, little girl. It's not always hopeless, but it takes years of emotional work. Your inner child will be filled with joy if you can manage to retrieve your love orut of the wreckage.
I remember when I told her about my sexual abuse she would watch movies and TV series (abuse content) everyday in front of me and I would scream, cry and shout at her...telling her to watch something else... She always had this evil grin on her face... Malignant narcissist (I don't feel like calling her a mother) It's been a couple of months since I cut ties... These flashbacks keep me busy... Haa😅 I'm glad it's over
I , myself , know about that " evil grin " ...malignant narcs enjoy causing pain and suffering . They just absolutely love hearing you cry , watching the tears drip off your chin , they love your confusion and sadness . They love to see your misery . I wish you well - Dr. Ramani is the best . She helps us ..
I lived with my narc aunt for too long. Every time I wanted to move out it was "You can't live on your own. You'll never make it. You'll struggle and suffer and fail" etc etc Now what i hear from her is "Why don't you ever visit?"
Yes, thats classic narcissistic infantalization. I grew up with my aunt and grandmother and was treated the same. They made my life a living hell and completly destroyed my self confidence, made me terrified just of tought of going to any job interview. Aunt also used me to take care of her old mother for free, so she doesnt have to pay anyone else. I am moving out in few months at the age of 32, changing country and I am still terified of what they might do to sabotage me, but I cant live like this anymore. It's worse than prison.
Doctor you’ve just described my childhood and adolescence. I grieve my condition now since my narcissistic mom put churches after me as if I were the one who is sick…
When I told another church member and family member about the abuse I was going through some people in family and church came for me, for real!😳😭😡😵💫 It's taken time amd even sometimes I have to break away and take a breather, the flying monkey 🐒 who choose not to see 🙈 they aren't God. Those people suck, literally because they suck truth out and away for the false stories fitting the reality they want to amplify. And what these flying monkeys 🐒 don't realize that I started to is, they also are being used, playing a part in the toxic gameboard. None of this was your fault.
As an adult, I am only now discovering how much damage my narcissistic single mother had on my own development and lack of boundaries. Publicly, I was seen as an extension of her, a product of her 'successful' parenting. For years she would take credit for my education and career choices, but secretly be jealous, envious and resentful. I was constantly compared to my 'golden child' sibling and criticised privately at any opportunity. I have finally gone no contact last year and although I sometimes grieve not having a loving mother, I don't miss the relationship I had.
Good on you. It must have been a very hard decision but you need to put yourself first . They don’t change and I bet your mother can’t understand why you’ve dropped contact…. It’s never they’re fault (in their opinion) ☺️
Watching this with tears in my eyes, cause I was already having a terrible time and just had my daily fight with that woman I am supposed to call "mom". Almost 20 years of this, amazing
Narcissist: Gives you a gift then abuses you right after. You: Hey you just abused me. Narcissist: What are you talking about I just gave you a gift. You: Thanks for the gift but you hurt me right after. Narcissist: Wow. How selfish can you be? I'm trying to help you, I'm try to be mice, and you're choosing to ruin everything by focusing on the negative. It's no wonder you have so many problems. Try focusing on the positives for once and see if your life gets better. You should be grateful I got you anything at all.
I am finding it difficult to even listen to this because I clearly haven’t processed the trauma. I’m in my 30s and my mother is still so over-involved. However, I am so thankful for everything you do because it truly validates the sheer horror of growing up with this abuse day in and day out. To think that a mother could inflict this on their own daughter. Reading through this comments section makes me feel less alone
The part about how looking back at the childhood you would never think of it as abuse as long as it wasn't physical is so true. The first time I realized/was told it's abuse was for me in therapy when my therapist pointed out to me that that behavior of my mom is emotional abuse. Realizing and accepting that is so important to move forward from there ❤
Survived two narcissistic parents. Mom was a vulnerable narcissist, ever the victim and dad was a grandiose communal narcissist. If I wasn’t being flat out ignored, I was criticized, called ugly and affection was just a reward if I jumped through impossible hoops to please them, regulate their egos. I so lived in fear, full of anxiety and even by age 5 I knew this couldn’t be normal. He cheated, they’d fight, he’d threaten to leave and say we could starve. She retreated to hypochondriac behavior, sleeping and depression. We kids were a burden, a prop to be paraded about when social norms dictated. They both made it clear that we had no right to have any needs other than clothing, food and housing and we were to be damned grateful for that. The world can be cruel and home should be a refuge but my childhood, my “home” was the source of emotional trauma. They’re both dead now and I honestly don’t miss them. I tell myself they can’t hurt me anymore.
A therapist I saw told me that we do not keep track of abuse or trauma. I’d felt “bad” because I was battling depression and felt I had no right to be depressed. I hadn’t been “abused badly as some kids suffered”. Abuse is just that, just as trauma is. Take care of yourself folks. Self care is necessary and important.
I just can't watch the rest of this. It touches too many nerves and I feel physically in pain. At the time, I had no idea what was happening. Maybe I will come back to it later, when I am stronger. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I've got a long way to go.
Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, today cptsd, at age 34 when I first had the courage to seek help. Almost 20 years later not much has changed except that I seem to have have grown out of the debilitating anxiety I endured most of my life: no trust, no feeling like I belong, etc. My ex husband used to say 'stop feeling sorry for yourself'. These clips are super helpful, thank you Dr Ramani
Spot on when it comes to my mother. For example she cried and hit me at the age of 5-6, for not spendning more time with her instead of my friends. Or she could cry and say she would never come back, and then leave the house coming back some hours later like nothing happend. Growing up, shame and guilt has eaten up my other feelings. Finally at the age of 43 i´m starting to letting go of those feelings and allowing me to feel better about myself.
My mother cried carried on and got mad about me playing with friends too. I remember this started when i was around 9. I knew something was 'off'. Now i know wjat it was
What bothers me is that a lot of people go through this mostly after 40, usually after therapy that they had to engage in due to current problems but actually due to unresolved childhood issues, makes me think that therapy should be mandatory maybe after child finishes school, if not earlier, so you don’t have to struggle for the big chunk of your life to figure it out
I didn t know my parents and brother are narcissists, until I was 38 years old. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I didn t understand where that came from. Even though I had severe anxiety and severe insomnia for most of my life. I couldn t hold myself together anymore after a narcissistic ex and my narc mother discarded me. I finally found out about narcissism and a life long of abuse that I ve been through. Not from my therapist, but by doing self study. I finally got it....their constant temper tantrums and rage, my mom who used me as her friend and psychologist from age 12, all of their fights, their contempt for me, their neglect of me, their paranoia, their discards...it all started to make sense. I would definitely call this abuse! And I still carry the consequences from it...severe cptsd. But back then, I didn t even know this was abuse!
Man this resonated so deep. When I was 5 my mom would tell me her trauma & I wouldn't know what to think of it. She would keep me up past midnight when she was drunk so she could unload her life on me. It was overwhelming as a child
One thing I find strange looking back at my childhood with a narcissistic mom is that we never did kid stuff. No bouncy parks or ball pits or playgrounds or Chucky Cheese. It was just me essentially accompanying her to her adult gatherings with no kid activities, as if she never adapted her life to having a kid. Even our house growing up , it didn’t really look like a kid lived there, unless you happen to walk into my bedroom.
White walls, white desk/bed/cubbord. No other colors. Toys were played with and then put away so noone could see them. A medical ward had more life and love then that room.
OMG I never even thought about this but went through the same exact thing! We always went to parties with her work friends, or ran errands but no "kid stuff".
Thank you for this video. Let's call a spade a spade, this is abuse but many people fail to get what you went through and how it has affected all aspects of your life. i had to wait until the age of 57 to understand I had been abused by a narc mother, I was just her tool, an ear, a mirror, an extension of herself. I have been working on this for 6 years now and I have a message of hope for childhood trauma survivors, you can heal! Bonjour from France.
Thank you for speaking the truth. A tool is most accurate, you have to be useful. At the age of 57, I am choosing to be purposeful. Thank you for the hope that I can heal and live a good life. I just don't believe God would create me for a lifetime of unhappiness.
As a psychologist, I found this video on how narcissistic parents "misuse" their children to be incredibly insightful and informative. It's important to recognize that children of narcissistic parents often grow up in an environment that is emotionally and psychologically abusive, and that this can have long-lasting effects on their self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. It's also worth noting that healing from the effects of narcissistic abuse can be a complex and challenging process, and that working with a trained mental health professional can be extremely helpful.
Had to go no contact…I was 19. 64 now and that was the beginning of healing for me. Didn’t know it at the time and it’s taken until now to really heal, but I do not regret that decision to leave.
Their biggest trigger phrase is, "You're crazy." They want to see how far they can push you all while they stay calm. It is truly terrifying. They want you to explain yourself. To convince them you are not cra*y. They are taking mental notes. I've seen that smirk after I poured my heart to them. They'll use it against you quickly and easily. I told something that bad happened to me about 5 years ago to one of my brothers and he laughed.
My mom used to come to my college apartment and buy groceries or make dinner for me and my roommates to look like a “loving” mother. What I realized afterwards is that she wanted to live vicariously through me for her own happiness
It’s subtle gestures that try to control you ..being looked up and down knowing it’s judgment . Being told “ I don’t have any money knowing it means they don’t want you to enjoy yourself or spend any either .
I just came back from an emotional flashback to exactly this. I’m an accomplished 40 yr old and I felt like my 7 yr old self being punished for being happy or sad, as long as it is the opposite emotion of my parents, it didn’t matter. As long as I was who I was, I was punished because I didn’t fit the role of a simple pawn. The worst of my flashback today was the slow acceptance that my older siblings whom I really loved, used me to get ahead in the game, without any remorse for how it would affect my 7yr old self. I am an unwanted child of my siblings, and used as a punishing tool to my siblings through jealousy, favouritism and illogical comparison to deemed “non-performing siblings” whom were just as abused. I haven’t cried so much like that in years and I literally felt like a child. I have so much more compassion for the young me than before, including the adult me now that becomes triggered into the young-me-state due to untethered Pavlovian reactions. The emotional flashback today was really tough, and I am thankful for it that it further strengthens my resolve to go through this challenging healing process and to go no contact.
exactly. you were a mere object to them--a little play toy. heaven forbid the toy actually exhibit a modicum of agency! if you're too happy--WHACK! too sad--WHACK! if you say something, anything--WHACK! i'm profoundly sorry that not only your parents but your own siblings betrayed you so thoroughly. may you find all the healing you need, and rest assured that you are loved and the world is a far better place because YOU are in it, just as you are.
Thank you Dr Ramani. This video really resonated with me. I, being the scapegoat, had so much heaped upon me beginning probably age 8-9. Started with ironing…moved to caring for baby sister…dishes, laundry, cooking, all the household chores by the time I was a freshman in high school. It was so very heavy and didn’t seem normal to me. She stated repeatedly “the oldest girl has all the responsibilities”. One of her many lies.
You said that narcissistic parents may become completely detached and disinterested once their child hit adulthood, but for my narcissistic parent the threshold was when I was 14 and my sibling was 11. I remember them outright saying to me that now that we'd "grown up" we have to be responsible adults. I was so confused at that time because I still wanted to be their child, and I feel like I didn't get enough love in my childhood when I most needed it as a teenager.
All of the above. I’m the 10th of 11 siblings. Dad was a narcissist and abusive emotionally, physically, and sexually. My parents claimed all of my successes as their own. He refused to let me accept a full scholarship to college because he saw it as charity that reflected poorly on him. He told me that I would never be anything more than he was. I was the peacekeeper and diplomat from a young age. Constant chaos in my home. I don’t know how I survived.
My both parents are narcissistic. whenever i watch your video i can fully relate to my childhood and ongoing abuses. In my childhood i thought it was always my fault and always felt guilty. I doubted myself and sometimes even doubt myself today (I'm 29). When i watch your explanations it kind of gives a soothing balm on my cuts. I know i have a long road to heal myself. Just know you are doing a marvelous job to mankind. Thank you from bottom of my heart from India 🇮🇳❤
Narcissistic parents are experts at gaslighting - they manipulate our perception of the truth. They shame and guilt us when we begin to question their treatment of us. They place the blame on us, instead of ourselves. It likely explains the feelings of doubt, fault and guilt that you have today. I was abused by my mother (she is extremely violent) and I developed PTSD as a consequence. Therapy is helping to piece me back together. It isn’t easy and it takes time, but it does work. Is therapy something that you might be able to access? I hope that your years ahead bring happiness, peace and safety… all of the things you deserve after such a difficult childhood. x (P.S: My boyfriend is from India! I’m sending all of my love and greetings to you and your country! 🙂)
@@deedoyle4069 yes... At the end of the day we must be kind to ourselves.... This battle for mental peace is worth fighting for! I'll not give up. ... Thank you for reminding me! World needs kind people like you! ❤💜
💯% accurate 👏👏👏...I stopped getting to be a child, & became my mother's/sibling's parent, when I was 4. That was even more complicated by a malignant narc abusive dad who WAS physically abusive...so it took me 40 years to recognize my mom was also "abusive." 💔 Thriving now...🗽
What would have helped you through those childhood years? My grandchildren are being co-parented (court-ordered) by a narc dad from whom my daughter escaped. I would like to find some strategies to help them cope now with the abuse we know they are experiencing while in his “care”.
@@Cara657 Honestly, I have a similar situation with my nephews/niece...their mom, my sister, is a convert narc & raising them the same way we were. She has blocked my family from seeing/talking to them. What I learned from my own experience is to challenge the fake "reality" that is painted for them by continuing to be truthful & confront with actual reality. So, I send the kids birthday/Christmas presents & notes, as well as pictures of us so they know we love them & want to be in their lives. I don't go along with my sister's narrative & my notes reflect the truth. I also try to send experiences of things that remind them of me, & my sister of our childhood. In example, a favorite vintage book, with a personal note to them incorporating a childhood memory of mine that includes their mom, & an art project. She'll have to get rid of my gift to take me out of their every day lives but that would reflect poorly on her, so she won't. As a child, some of the hardest words to hear were that my dad was a "psychopath or sociopath!" But as I grew older, I began to process what those words meant & recognize that my dad WAS one of those! As for awakening to my mom's abuse, having people show me genuine, unconditional, love & affection as well as using encouraging words to build me up, & being around normal, kind, family dynamics, THAT was what helped me to recognize her actions didn't match her words & she wasn't loving me. REALITY grounds abuse victims to challenge their internal, scripted dialogue! Sooner than later, it will wake them up! Sorry you're dealing with these horrible circumstances. 💔
- Silence yourself to suit their needs, you have to be “USEFUL”, trying your best to easy the tension, to please them - guilt, anxiety, shame, sadness, fear - guilt tripping, manipulative, threatening - no boundary, no privacy, no genuine care other than benefiting them - has no genuine care/love in you as a human being other than what it can benefit them - look down upon you - deny the reality & facts, minimize the damage - Prioritize their needs - Competes with you - invalidate your trauma and their abuse
I wasn't aware it was abuse (45 years old) until my sister became a mother herself and had to go to therapy because of my narc mom's treatment, and then she told me and we began to talk about all this. We have always thought that's normal behavior for a family and even now I can't talk about it with all my siblings because when you have experienced this all your life it's not easy to see it. These videos have been so great for me, I have learned so much. To understand what my life has been, to choose the correct therapist, to know what to expect from her, to assume that there's never going to be a change... Thank you, Doctor Ramani. Thank you so much. You have saved my life, and I really mean it.
You have nailed it dr Ramani. It is time we stopped pacifying grown-up people who can not regulate their emotions. It is their job to take care of their maturation process. Thank you❤
When they say they’re gonna kick u out and don’t need you but when u try to get a job so you can move out they make it impossible to do so. Even threatening to kick u out if u get a job in my case. Then laughing at how you’ll be homeless if u do so.
Exactly like my mom she has everyone against me it’s been 2 years since I blocked her and change my number i don’t want nothing to do with her or her side of the family
Both my parents were misusing me as a child. As an adult I tend to feel the need to be the one regulating people around me. As if that’s my only value. I got severely sick, and my mom got mad at me for not being able to take responsibility for her feelings. That’s when I started putting up boundaries for her. My father is more malignant so I cut him off and went no contact. My goal is to grow my own maturity and working on my relationship with my adult kids.
I read a book called "Daughter Detox" and this supports it, 100%! And yes, I can tell you this is exactly what I grew up with! I was the middle child and the scapegoat and the inconvenience. Manipulation and guilt trips, yes. I have it easier and I owe for my childhood, yes. I have to serve others, yes. Never taught me boundaries, yes. Everything was in the name of my parents, always! Betrayal, yes, and it's money. If I cannot make my parent money, the parent sees me worthless.
Being different was like a sin in my home, no one understood me and I was constantly told how different I was from my mom. Nothing i did was ever good enough. I didn't know at the time i was being silenced. I lost myself trying to be the perfect child but nothing was enough. I'm now working on my healing, And it is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Now I'm starting to think my deceased mom also experienced the same thing. You've helped make sense of my life and to pick myself up and finally focus on me. Thank you for that Doc❤
It’s not just my childhood, it has also been my entire adulthood… and it still happens IF I go around my parents-which is practically never. I have literally had to completely separate myself from them. I mentally have steel walls built up all around me just to keep my mental sanity in place. I love my parents, but the things that have been said and done… all the misuse… I won’t forget… I can’t forget… because that’s what protects me from them.😢
im trying to heal from surviving a narcissistic mother my entire life and this channel helped immensely. but she discovered this channel and it hurts knowing she's probably watching these videos that describe her behavior yet find a way to project it onto me.
now that I think about it this explains a lot about my teenhood. as a child I was very obedient and never questioned them on anything. I was the easy child, the only way I fell short was my grades. I was am above average student, but not straight As like my sister. But when I started to develop my own identity, found my own interests etc., things got so, so much harder. I started to feel like I was getting more mature than my parents. I would walk away from discussions feeling drained, but they were filled with joy and energy. When we fought, I was helping them regulate their negative emotions, all the while taking verbal abuse and blame for how they felt. My needs and emotions do not matter to them at all. I've realized that I've always been their way of regulating their emotions and coping (but not actually) with the flaws they don't like about themselves. They seemed to only see the bad in me in private but kept up the facade of love in public.
Narcissistic parents are a tough, unecessary challenge in life. But if you understand those issues and survive it, you grow out really strong out of it. You learn to know what you really want, who you really are, and by that, you know your bondaries....and you also know to separate between people that are "on the same wave" as you and understand you....and people that are not "on the same wave" as you and don't understand you. Between people that show respect towards you and people that utterly disrespect you.
Can you give any advice as to how to help a 6 year old & 4 year old who are currently being co-parented by the most evil narc dad? They have disclosed his abusive behaviour but so far no one in authority is willing to change the court order that forces them into his “care” twice a week. It’s heartbreaking to watch them suffer.
I was raised with a narc father. From the time I was born, I was an extension of him. Constantly raging at me for not knowing enough, expecting me to be like a little adult, emotional blackmail, making me cry, belittling me, and on it goes up into my young adulthood. I have been oddly attracted to those who treat me the same way, in hopes of "taming" that behavior subconsciously. It has taken me a lifetime to finally figure it out. Now I am stuck in a horrible marriage with a narc.
Narc parents expect you to know how to do everything, their precious time can't be used to bring you up, sorry for your circumstances, I wish you well.
Yes! I'm 27 now and my parents still don't want me to move out, which is ridiculous. To others, they proudly say that their adult children still live with them. But that's definitely not because we like them so much. And boundaries? What's that?
If anyone reads this, please know you matter. YES, YOU. No matter what has happened to you in the past, you have control today. You are not anyone’s emotional punching bag. You are strong, worthy, amazing and everything all these jealous and unworthy people could not appreciate. Stand high because you were always the winner and cut these people out of your life if they are toxic. I don’t care if it’s your mother, brother or your significant other. PROTECT YOUR PEACE. If you have children, protect their childhood and protect them from people who mistreated you, because next, they will come after your kids to berate and turn them against you. Watch as many of these videos that dr Ramani and others put out for you to learn from. You have the power. Protect yourself and protect your peace!!!
My mother used silent treatment on us kids from when we still basically were toddlers. Entire days could go by where the only communicaton was "a look that could kill". She was both a covert narcissist and an autistic. As evil as it gets.
Something that helped break the ice for me in using the word "abuse" was recognizing myself in lists of abuse symptoms. "If you feel X, it's from Y and is a reaction to abuse. Example: limerence is a result of severe childhood emotional neglect." I never would have thought that from descriptions of said neglect.
It's always felt like abuse, but it felt so wrong to use that word because, yes, it's typically associated with some form of physical and sexual abuse. Also, the fact that no one else witnesses it and believes the parents to be angelic is further isolating. I internalized the shame and blame a long time ago and it's my immediate emotional response to anything. I'm 51. And I just don't know how to end this emotional habit.
I developed chronic anxiety disorder due to my narc mom & being alone with no one to believe or turn to. I always prayed to be far from her and I am now healing, married and living in a different country. My mental health is getting better and i am seeing how wonderful life could be. I maintained contact by a few messages or phone call each year to avoid being labeled bad things but i know being in a different country altogether makes it much easier to just keep contact to a bare minimum. Distance from her is my only way to heal and be happy. And now i am hearing that she's trying to create chaos in my brothers' relationships. Thank god i am free from all of it.
Thank you for giving a voice to all of us who have felt like we have no voice. “No one will ever understand what I’ve been through.” is how we feel. Thank you so much for giving the gift of calm and understanding .
Learning to heal from narcissistic parent. Boundaries still blurred and zero respect. I was to not make a sound or peep. I am speaking my truth now. Thank you for sharing and very helpful.
I needed this so much tonight. I am seeing my narcissistic, immature adoptive father for the first time in 4 months tomorrow for Easter. I have building my skills toolbox over the past months, but I am feeling very anxious that I am going to lose control tomorrow and make things worse. I'm in it alone with him, and I can use all the backup I can get. Thank you for making these videos frequent and free for those of us in need of support and education.
i’m in a similar situation but it’s with my biological ndad. Try to stay calm as much as you can. Dont overshare and prep your mind to get in there with 0 expectations with how it would turn out (good or bad). Deep inhale/exhale all the way and think twice before saying anything/nothing. Good luck!
I would offer you this bit of advice from another great therapist on UA-cam (Patrick Teahan who specializes in childhood trauma). If you're able to go no contact with an abusive parent or family member (and really this goes for any kind of abusive relationship) and an opportunity like what you're describing comes up; you need to remember and think about what they did to you and how it made you feel, think about the progress you're making and want to continue to make, now ask yourself if you want to jeopardize your well being and progress by engaging with this person again. You already know who they are, trust yourself and put yourself first. Good luck, and I suggest checking Patrick's videos out.
watching this video and reading some of these comments is incredibly heartbreaking. It has taken me years, decades to recognize the damage and the unnecessary suffering my mother has made me and my sister go through. We both had it differently and it has affected us in different ways, but for the first time I'm having the courage to come out and admit to myself and to anyone willing to listen, what a crippling experience it has been. At the end, the most difficult part is to wrestle with the truth, accepting the fact that my mother will NEVER change, or EVER acknowledge her damaging behavior. He narcissism has cost me relationships, I became addicted to substances like pain killers, just to cope with the never ending abuse. The insane part of all this is that most people who know her have absolutely no idea, none at all. They think she's charming, beautiful, successful, kind, generous - it's mind blowing. My father, bless his heart, has been a prisoner to her abuse as well, but because he pretty much grew up without a father or a healthy present mother, he is the perfect provider and the perfect co-dependent. My mission in life now is to find a way to heal and to connect with people who can understand this issue from a personal experience. I am in the need of desperate help !!!
I started to experience this type of thing, when I was 19 and my mother remarried, after years of being single, after her last 2 marriages. As I was just coming into adulthood, I thought we had a good relationship, I was the closest sounding board she had and I’d also become accustomed to talking at length with my grandmother over the phone. All 3 of us were sounding boards for each other. But I was the main problem repository. Over the course of time, was when my mother’s dependency on me, personally and professionally, began to become malignant, with it finally being one of my livelihood obviously being competition that she’d wanted to destroy. That is when I began to learn about narcissism and oh boy was it a match. That the parent I and everyone had long thought to be the perfect parent, that everyone wanted and that I should be grateful for, was actually a sick monster. I still know and believe she had a great many wonderful qualities and that the struggles and disappointment of life caused her to spiral into a very dark spirit though. I also knew that I owed it to myself, to save myself from her.
I’m in the subset that ended up with PTSD 😔 and I totally was that person who felt like the abuse label was too harsh, despite actually feeling abused 🤦🏾♀️
The hardest part is knowing you reached out to so many people you trusted, and they all rolled their eyes at you. Then, when you finally break free, everyone looks at you like you're the problem. 😢
@radsammichmaker7392-- You nailed it , that was exactly what I went through but now I am a free grown up human being .
I know, it's like the twilight zone or worse.
Absolutely, this is my experience as well.
That's because for the longest time before you break free, the narc was going behind your back and telling said people that YOU were/are the problem so by the time you get a chance to talk to them or even simply be their presence, you're constantly getting side eyes because the only story they know is what's been told to them by the narc. The narc will drill that anti-you narrative in their heads and they will eat it right up-- that's because another thing the narc will do is make themselves the poor little victim while they're drilling that anti-you narrative in other people's heads.
My mother (my narc) has done the same things to the point where I don't even really talk to certain people because I feel like they've been tainted by her because of the things she's said to them about me. I don't know about you and your narc, but I can always tell when my mother has been talking about me behind my back to people when I'm having conversations with them.
It's just certain little things that they say that stand out that let me know I've been the topic of conversations between my mother and them and that let's me know they believe whatever she has told them about me. Sometimes they don't even have to say anything because it's just a vibe you get where you can instantly tell that you've been talked about. I don't know how to describe it and I know it sounds weird but I swear it's a real thing.
YESSSS!!!!! WHY DO THEY DO THAT!!!! Yes! My family never believed me, they rolled their eyes at me and now after i cut off contact with my crazy narc mother, suddenly they're shocked how I cut them all off.
The worst part is feeling alone with no help as they gaslight everyone into believing they're perfect.
Yeah. I came to embrace the loneliness to my "core" because attention meant pain; now I'm a schizoid.
My mother is so good at gaslighting and lying all together, she used to brag how she got away from beating us, but the MPs (military police) checked the wrong thigh, or came a few days late and the bruises healed
Omg yes
I think the problem in this kind of relationships is lack of respect.
Exactly. I’m adopted and I was constantly told I was just projecting because I was upset about that
It’s so diabolical and disgusting
They exploit, abuse, and misuse, then despise their children for being "weak".
Funny enough let's just say some authorities have had to step in and let her know how blinded she is to just exactly how strong I am. They've had to tell her that if she just would have been a good mother she would have gotten everything she wanted in terms of her ego boost and pride in being able to brag about my successes. Oh well, not my problem. She creates this mess not me
They are like that towards everyone.
Perfectly said.
I remember taking the abuse and then being treated like a weak piece of trash.
And become completely unhinged when you terminate the relationship with your abusers completely. NC: The best gift you can give yourself and model appropriate Boundaries for your kids. We don’t associate with rude abusive people regardless of DNA affiliation.
That is so true!
I'm an adult now and my parents still use me to regulate their emotions. And yes, that is abuse.
I’m in the same situation.
Yeah. That is why you may have to learn to pull away from certain people altogether. Because you have to protect the purpose God gave you, your peace, your joy, your sanity with EVERYTHING in you. I pray your strength in the Lord, AND I pray that you choose to be led by the spirit, voice, will, and power of GOD IN JESUS ' NAME. AMEN.
@@ladennayoung2939 Well said!! I truly believe God will use our pain for His Glory. Healing will come. God Bless!! 🙏
So at this point you’re no longer a victim, you’re a volunteer. How’s that “emotional regulation” workin’ for you?! It’s workin’ just great for them. When is it your turn to be treated with dignity and respect, you ask? A as soon as you want to make it happen. Life was never meant to be a a Life Sentence.
Unless you’re a child or a hostage you can walk away when ever you decide. For all your sakes, I hope it’s soon.
It’s real. They never seem to feel guilty for anything they do. It’s actually sad tbh.
Narcissistic parents are exhausting
True...
U can't imagine...n add a narcissist sister n a husband...God only can help me
they are.. both my parents are narcissists..
Yes, they are.
It is death by a thousand cuts.
True , I am feeling it
Yes, exactly, and that's precisely why it's so hard to explain to outsiders! 💯 When telling them about any one specific "cut" (out of the thousand), the incident may seem small and trivial to the listener, and they just wonder why it's such a big deal... 😡 ...unable to see the FOREST for all the individually less profound *"Trees."*
They constantly belittle, criticize, or give the cold shoulder until you accomplish something or something good happens. Then they’re a scowling teen or a jealous child and have an adult toddler temper tantrum. You CAN’T win with these people. My mother actively held me back because she couldn’t take anything good happening for me-putting myself through school, getting a degree, introducing a boyfriend. She couldn’t STAND any activity that didn’t revolve around HER.
Even if we accomplish amazing things they don't acknowledge it this made me realise I m the scapegoat I just hope god lets me get away from them and move out
100%
Let me guess, infront of the others you are inteligent, beautiful and capable because of her, but when in between four eyes you are, naive, inexperienced and incapable of surviving without her. And ofcourse everything she has done was just because of your well being 😂
THIS
do we have the same mother???
It's abuse! I finally couldn't take it anymore. I thought I was losing my mind. All the emotional games narcissistic parents play to get control, supply, start fight, and then play the victim card for sympathy. The abusive cycle will never end. I had to leave the entire toxic family system.
Same, drove me to insanity. My mental health history speaks for itself. Finally healing it all being on my own.
Did you go no contact, or just gray-rock?
Yes, that cycle!
No contact is the golden path. Believe me. I did grey rockig for years. That's okay if you just want to survive. But healing started after I went no contact.
No contact is the best route. I went no contact for 12 yrs. My younger brothee convinced me that my Father had changed. Nope 4 yrs of grey rocking and my sisters are mad at me for not being around when they were growing up. Or even very often now as an adult. Being around my father triggers me and when I go home all the trauma comes back. It's better to just go no contact and wait for the others to wake up, then to try to wake them up. Just experienced a flying monkey event yesterday. I was the scapegoat who got away. Now I'm just a crazy black sheep to them.
I had to cut ties with my narc mom. I didn’t realize what I was dealing with until the last year. Explains why I picked the partners I did. Healing is enlightening
I am going to do the same. She has been scapegoating me for so long. Won't even consider that it's wrong, let alone change
I had to do the same. My mom is trying to get back in my life. Not happening.
I cut ties with all the narcs in my family (all of them) back in 2018. It's a good decision, but a difficult one to live through the years.
You run out of answers when people ask what are you doing on holidays, or in a job interview they ask and you want to keep it casual, or comes Christmas and you are spending it alone. I wouldn't do anything different, but I wasn't prepared for the anxiety of all those questions, the aftershock ruminations and self blaming.
I hope this helps anyone to be prepared.
I did that nearly 30 years ago, and here's the tell that I did the right thing: I have never missed her at all. The idea of having a mom I could trust, maybe, but certainly I have never missed the one I actually had, who is just not capable of being what I needed her to be.❤
Omg same here last year I woke up from the spell of “my poor mom is a victim and I need to save her.” Now I see she was abusing me the whole time. I cut her off a few months ago. Hope you are being gentle on yourself as you heal. Not an easy path and it’s worth it.
I was 6 years old - I had made an art project and the teacher had thought it good enough to be hung on the classroom wall. When my dad came to pick me up from school that day, I was so excited that I dragged him to the classroom to see my art project. I remember vividly how excited I was and how he grumbled about how his time was being wasted all the way to the classroom. My teacher was still in the room grading some papers. My dad didn't even glance at the art project i so happily showed him - but walked up to my teacher and told her horrible things about me... all made up... how i was dirty and undisciplined. This was my punishment for daring to ask him to take the slightest interest in me, his 6 year old daughter.
It was a lifelone pattern of invalidating and/or insulting me for anything i was "proud of".... good grades, a new dress, anything at all. It meant ignoring me when there was no audience. Or if there was an audience (teachers, relatives) - insulting and mocking my achievement and calling me demeaning names. Or physical beatings when he felt like it. It could be something as simple as a 6 year old's art project that would set him off. His fragile ego couldn't even handle that.
He is dead now. The world is a slightly better place.
That’s how my mother is she really got me to the point to where I can’t stand her ass now and all I ever did was help her and do for her I wish she can trade places with my deceased dad and bring him back 😢
❤❤❤
So sorry for what you went through 😢
I hope the little girl in you remembers… there are people who would have loved to have seen your art project and told you that it was amazing. Not all people should be parents. It helps to be kind to yourself as you get older and being a better parents to your own kids (if you have them/choose to have them) helps with the healing. Wishing you the very best in life.
@@Skidbit23 thank you for your kind words. Much appreciated.
My mom would always say: my children are my best friends.
Only for me to realize decades later that it was a cover so that she can trauma dump her personal and marital issues on me and my brother.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani.
Those words ring true! I was neglected emotionally but my Narc mom used me to dump her trauma on me. It was all about her.
My mother has a saying "i gave birth to you i can kill you"...
I’m cutting mine off I don’t need a friend. I need a mother and she’s not able to be one
Yes ! That was done to me too and it is SO wrong ! Children should never be "The go between" for their parents or be PUNISHED for speaking truth !
I remember when my parents fought, my mother came to me for comfort. I hated that.
I've always been my mother's little servant. She was never interested in me as a person.
She will expect servitude until she dies, sucking the life out of you without even batting an eye. You do not owe her for being born. Live your life Now.
I hope you distance yourself from her. You owe her nothing.
She was never interested in me as a person
Me too
I’ve been there.. you’re just a slave, specially if it is a step parent. I remember my step dad yelling for me from the kitchen… so I ran from my room the other side of the house see what he wanted… he was sitting at the table, and wanted me to turn on the fan that was pointing at him, sitting on the floor literally right next to him. The dude was absolutely fine, not helpless, but too lazy to stand up and take one step.
It's emotional and psychological ABUSE, period. My MN mother used me as a therapist and emotional punching bag my entire life. She would badmouth my father and his family constantly, forcing me to hear the same stories over and over again for decades (even after I asked her to stop- she actually became offended).
I feel like all narcissists should have a journey at the North sea where there are huge waves
My mother did this too, but my father was also abusive.
My mom does the same things 😢
I am currently pushing 60 years old and I've only recently realized what I went thru as a child. Not only have I been grieving terribly for that little child, but I'm also seeing why my whole life has been so problematic. I've been in complete denial my whole life. That barrier to healing has finally been broken. Thank you so much for your heartfelt informative videos.
Might I suggest that it's not that you've been in denial your whole life, it's perhaps that you knew nothing else and didn't know that the bad things happening to you were not your fault. Now you have a framework for understanding your childhood, thanks to Dr. Ramani. Best wishes.
it’s not denial. they ducking manipulate you.
I think we were so groomed and gaslight that we couldn't see the truth of our NM. Plus, let's face it...They were supposed to be a safe person for us...a soft spot...that they took advantage of us & their position.
Yes! 😅
You are not alone. In my 60’s and finally had to say enough.
May the healing continue.
I too often hear the excuse by unhealthy parents, especially narcissistic ones, that it's the child's fault for being so difficult. When in reality the child's "difficult" behavior is a response to the abuse/misuse because they don't know how to process it. Then this becomes a despicable cycle of the child reacting to the abuse/misuse and then the parent using the response to justify more abuse/misuse. The scary part is that a child is dependent on the parent for survival and by the time they are old enough to take care of themselves they are ill equipped to do so due to this poor parenting rollercoaster. It's a lose-lose situation. 😟
I was a golden child and and loved my narc father so much. He did no wrong in my eyes, until I became a teenager and started to see the wrong things. Then I became the truth teller and became the scapegoat. The abuse got so bad that at eighteen I had to rent a house and scape with my mom and my two brothers. My mom was a shell of a person…. And even accused me of taking her out of her house. He was charming, everybody loved him. He ended up dying last year, while suing us ( me and my brothers ) to support him. The whole family accused us of abandoning him. Old wounds were fresh again. I’m in pieces. Learning about narcissism is helping me to cope. To the point I’ve become obsessed. Finally it started to make sense… and finally I’m accepting none of that was actually my fault…. It’s unfair…..
❤
I hope you keep learning from Dr. R and can come to a place of peace and healing your psyche. Once the narcissistic pattern is clear to us, you have a chance to truly heal from the abuse. It was never your fault.
Ditto. This resonates deeply with me. 💯💯💯
Hello friend, your message has touched me. Please hear this: you DID abandon your father and you did RIGHT. He had not earned your love. For it is not due, despite what our surrounding culture wants to believe.
To the people who tell you that you are a bad son, now reply that he was a bad father, very different to what he might have told them. And leave it at that. It is none of their business. The shame is on them for not seeing the abuse when you were a child and they were the adults (presumably), it is on them for passing judgement without seeking both sides of the story. They are misguided people and you don’t need them in your life.
I am glad that he was suing you and your brothers. It means that you were all in agreement about his character, right? That is the family you need, right there.
You are a very sound person and a caring one too. See how you took care of your mother, of your siblings when what you needed to do was to take care of yourself. You could easily have done it and walked away. But you did not. You chose to help.
You are in control of your life now, it is time to give yourself the care that you gave to other people. I hope that Dr Ramani’s work is helping. I also like Dr Carter. I wish you healing ❤️🩹
I held onto a respect for one of my mother's sisters, who was the only family member that took time for me, my mother's scapegoat, until she made the comment that she "didn't think we had it so bad".
The abuse and neglect that my siblings and I suffered at the hands of our narcissistic mother was "forbidden knowledge" to everyone outside our dysfunctional house. The drunkenness and violence of our stepfather was horrendous, and always instigated by our mother, as she seemed to thrive on violence.
I included my aunt in my decision to go no-contact with my entire family. My siblings became enablers, and sheep.
I'll never forget when I became an adult, I noticed my mom's eyes looked dead when talking to me. It felt like a switch went off when I became an adult, like she no longer cared about me in any way shape or form. She had no empathy, she didn't prepare me for adulthood and I was set out in the world with nothing. She didn't care for my struggles or pain. In her mind, I had it better, no matter the circumstances than she did. In her mind she had sacrificed 18 years of her life and youth to raise me and it haunts her. I've always felt responsible for ruining her life even though I was a planned pregnancy.
I was abused by my mother and have PTSD as a consequence. Like you, my mother frequently told me that I had “ruined” her life and that she had never wanted me. It destroys us - to feel so cast out from our mother’s affection, alone and unwanted - and we do internalise the blame. We can’t rationalise, as a child, that it isn’t our fault. We think that there is something unloveable about us. But here’s the thing… we DID NOT ask to be born. And here’s another thing… EVERY child deserves to be loved and to have a peaceful, safe childhood. We had no influence over our mother’s life choices. Your mother chose to bring you into this world. She has a responsibility to care for you. She should have prepared you for adulthood. She should want to alleviate your struggles and pain. It is her failings - as a mother, and as a normal, empathic human - that has caused this situation. Narcissists always shift blame and responsibility to other people. Please do not carry the blame. You did not ruin her life. You were the blessing in it and she is too unwell to realise. x
yikes!
It's because you have developed your own opinions and mindset. That scares these narcissists. "Oh no, this child isn't going to agree with everything I say. They're not going to obey whatever I asked them to do and now they have enough knowledge to use it against me. Time to use Plan B. "
that is eerily similar to my experience with a narcissistic parent.
Same exact situation as me.! Finally someone in the same situation as me it's a living hell
I endured so much trauma from narcissistic parents and siblings that I literally shook as a child and I couldn't stop shaking. The siblings called me shaky and thought it was cute.
Wishing you healing and people who respect and value you.
So sorry you had to go through this! So glad you found this channel. It is life saving.
That breaks my heart. I'm sorry.
Same here! I felt like I was everybody's emotional punching bag.
Makes me feel cold to just read what you had to go through. Hope you are healing and no longer need to shake… hugs.
Wow. My mom was basically done being a parent as soon as I got to college, but she still wanted to control things. This is so validating.
Are you sure she was parenting before you went to college? I highly doubt it.
@@brigitte9999 Well I was there, I would think I would know. She was like super mom, actually, and then when I went to college it was as if a switch flipped. It was so strange.
🎯🎯
Some advice, if you have children, keep her AWAY from them. She will take them from you.
@Christine Robertson, funny how you mentioned keeping the children away, because I myself decided long ago NOT to have children because I didn't want my mother to be around my kids. I'm 55 now, and she still tries to guilt me about not giving her grandkids. In fact, she'll do it in front of other people trying to intensify the guilt and humiliate me.
I wanted so desperately to tell her it's because I didn't want her around my kids, and that she didn't DESERVE to be a grandmother, but I was afraid of the repercussions had I told her the truth. Its sad, though, because I really wanted kids. Also, I was afraid of raising my kids the way I was raised 😢. Oh well, I do, however, thank God for therapy. It is a lifesaver!
Thank you for this. I am a survivor of 2 narcissistic parents. At the age of 7, I knew something was wrong with them, especially my mother, I just didn't know what it was. It's too long for me to go into, but I endured a lot from these people. I set boundaries, and they disrespected it. My mother would show up at my house unannounced, birthday parties for my kids just to tell me off because I didn't invite her....I can go on forever. My siblings and extended family enable her and hardly speak to me, and I know it's due to her smearing my name because she takes no accountability and is always the victim. I even wound up dating a narcissist in my teens' early twenties because I thought this behavior was normal!. Flash forward 40 years... I know who I am, and I know what they are. I sharpened my scissors, and I cut these cancers out of my life. It wasn't easy, and I mourned it like a death. I felt like a switch went off in my head, and I just said,"I'm done." I was done feeling bad and dealing with rude, childish behaviors. I'm grateful to have a supportive husband and 3 amazing kids who witnessed firsthand how badly my parents treat/speak to me. I told my kids that as awful as it was growing up with them, they taught me what I never wanted to be... so I guess something good came out of that experience. With the narcissists and their flying monkeys out of my life, I feel healthy, clean, and whole. Took me 40 years to get here, but better late than never. Thank you again for your words of wisdom, Dr.Ramani.
Great! Good for you!
💪💪👏👏
I was in the Almost identical situation except my mom was divorced so it was just her. Because of Dr RAMANI and as part of my healing I too started a channel supporting women who endured this type of abuse. Thanks again Dr RAMANI !!!!!
I could have written this. The grief of accepting we are done was very hard. It was for the greater good, my kids are flourishing, I’m flourishing. They are all better off left in the past. For a while I let my mom berate me and be rude to me, the minute I noticed her being rude to my kids, that was it for me.
Good for you!! ❤❤❤❤
A sad realization about these amazing videos is that if you feel a level of emotional labor just to watch it, you may already have trauma due to narcissistic abuse. Every time I see one, I think "Oh this is going to be useful... but it's going to be so difficult to watch." And sometimes I have to just save it for later.
It's heavy
Yes I can only watch in bits
you really nailed it in the head
The avalanche of knowledge Dr. R. pours out on the internet is way to much to comprehend in one go anyway. Your brain would explode if you tried.
Give your subconscious brain some time to figure it out and rejoice the fact that you're heading in the right direction.
@@LSMH528Hz no it's very easy to comprehend, just not the kind of stuff that you'd want to listen to on a relaxing day or while at work. It can retrigger past emotions and anxieties.
They sabotage every chance a scapegoat has of getting just rewards for their efforts.
I was definitely misused by my mother, I had to regulate her feelings and her moods. It was always about her and i was treated like i was an extension of herself! Now, i have slowly distanced myself from her! But i have picked partners that were similar to her! Narcissistic parents really do a number on childs psych and emotionally!
Me too. All of it. I have definitely picked more than a few partners like that also,. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I found this video especially validating to what we have been through.
I don't have to regulate her feelings but she always projects her problems and make it like I am the one who made mistakes so she can feel better about herself .
Even today in the adulthood, she is grieving about death of her husbands cousin that she had an affair with. She messaged me that my husband would leave me if I don't change. Then my husband messaged her and told her he doesn't want me to change.
She replied maybe she is too sensitive since the death of her husband cousin. And talked about suic1d3
Narcs view their children as an extension of themselves, that's why they cross all boundaries and constantly trying to have toxic enmeshments so they can try to control and abuse their own children for eternity, I am serious, when they die they want to become ghosts to continue abusing their own children, they actually firmly believe that their children is forever their property, objects, tools, and punching bags for eternity. Because narcs truly hate themselves so they project their self hate and their problems onto their own children, they dump their bad personality and bad behaviors upon you and frame you and blame you, while what's good of you they copy, they stalk and copy everything you do, while they are envious of your youth, they want to constantly "prove" to you and to their theatrical stage that "you copy them and they are better than you" ... Narcs are extremely jealous and competitive against their own children. Instead of beating themselves up from their own self hate, they beat up their own children to satisfy their self hate, shame, rage, and anger, that's why their rage are often physically violent, and or passive aggressive manipulations to shame you and sabotage you. Narcs and psychos are the pathetic and evil.
Since I was a young child, I knew I was supply, but was powerless and confused by the 'big people' in my life. So, I stayed and played small; basically 'in service' until just before my 50th birthday. For many years, I was trained to abandon myself to please the unpleasables and approached my life with fear, guilt and obligation. Today, I continue to unlearn beliefs that didn't serve my mental and emotional health but served/regulated the disowned parts of my parents and myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani for uplifting and affirming your viewers, out loud. 🙏🏽
I'm doing the same. Middle aged also and I've decreased contact, worked on myself and about to free myself from the silly hurtful shenanigans. Better late than never
❤! So well said! I can totally relate to everything you said. Can’t thank Dr. Ramani enough for creating this channel & obviously opening so many people’s eyes. She’s created a “safe” community for all that suffer. People on here feel they are not alone & they’re not crazy.
My father acted like he cared to get me away from an abuser but then the abuse here is worse. He made a false accusation when at the doctor and a social worker walked in yesterday. After a lifetime of challenges following massive PTS/PTSD resulting from his severe manipulation and control of my beliefs. He severed the bond of a mother and daughter after my mom left him. He had me believing so many lies. I idolized him. I did succumb to his subjugation…me…caretaker role. He knew that’s what would be. 18. Drop the dream of an 18 yr old. The complete sadness and confusion I felt after he convinced me as a 5 year old we had a “ special relationship,” not like my twin siblings. To be his world when he wanted data on my mom and how to destroy her, he decides to be unsupportive of my dreams. Yes. He always had the expectation of me to serve him above all, first. After a life of lies but believing him honest. After forgiveness and hope that the relationship I thought we had might be salvaged, I came back. After a sexual assault and him calling me a --to my bf. After all the betrayal, I forgave. Invalidated, devalued, discarded. After faithfully serving a man who would go on for hours of how wonderful he is. Alll the sacrifices I made. Still, he reports me and falsely accuses me of harming him. He will have me arrested before o can just move bc his reputation is precious? Disgusting. The destruction of my relationship w my mom. I hardly knew of narcissism. Or the malignant type. Hours of rages after frustration grew when he couldn’t provoke the reaction/response he wanted from me. Last summer, I tried enduring my situation w someone abusing me. My spine was broken, among other bones broken. It was surely him suggesting and he asked me to come to to be with “dad” for help…i listen and he takes measures of desperation once I tell him I’m leaving. He told me he wanted to help me but that shouldn’t scared me. I held out but things got bad enough and I had to get out. He has isolates me. He seeks to destroy me by false accusations when I’m 2 weeks shy of moving. I need help. Please help me. I’ve recorded things. Like him giving an account of having wished sniper, after a full reputation destruction, all friends and family which would’ve otherwise supported me if not for his lies,
Better late than never!!! i Wish you very much luck in your journey!!! KEEP IT UP!!!!
Me too.
"Abuse isn't only about intensity but also duration".
So very true, but I had never thought of it in those terms before. Thanks again, Doc! 🥰
Thank you so much for this one, Dr Ramani!! Yes!!! I remember feeling EXTREMELY CONFUSED my entire childhood. Feeling "older" than my narc mother. Why is she looking to me for answers? She's the adult. I don't understand. Etc....
I will forever be grateful for you and this channel. So much love❤❤❤❤
Yes! And the frustration they would feel when you didn't know or have the answers. Too much.
I still feel that way at the age of 27 !
@@LanguageExpert-hg8do Please take care of yourself first! I’m more than twice your age.Don’t follow in my footsteps! Don’t serve anyone but yourself! I hadn’t realized how much time I’d wasted serving narcissistic family members until I turned 58! Save yourself while you’re still young because believe me,TIME FLIES!
Same
I remember feeling older too, I was so incredibly young but I felt like a wise old woman inside of a child's body, I saw things other's couldn't see.
Wow this is mind blowing. My mom used to tell me this stories when I was a child of how men were so crazy for her, that she would always be the attention of the party, how even doctors and lawyers were all over her, how men were so infatuated for her that they would be willing to cheat on their wives, and my reaction as a child was always "oh okay..." and she would get angry at me. I just realized, she wanted my admiration.... how pathetic my god...
Kinda gross. Was your dad a dr or lawyer lol
@@nmc1859 He was not, she would say that she was wooed by all this hot successful guys but she didn't wanted to date them, instead she choose a nice family guy. More like she chose a deeply codependent guy that would never go against her. I grew up seeing my dad humiliated all the time by her.
@@tiagozortea Ouch! I’m sorry.
That sounds so much like my father in law. He’s always going off about how when he was in high school he had all the girls falling for him & that his wife (my mother in law) fought with his girlfriend at the time for my father in laws attention. He always laughs about it & boasts. Even has a picture of himself when he was younger as his lock screen on his phone & will always go “see! I was a catch!” It’s so disrespectful how he’ll go off & say those things in front of his wife. My brother in law rolled his eyes once when he went off about another one of his stories & my father in law got so mad
Grandiose narcissists tend to be good looking. And this society feeds it bc appearance is so important to a large piece of society. The coverts tend to be less attractive. Not at the top like they believe
"You never need to be another person's tool of regulation".... My entire childhood consisted of silently enduring my mother's rage attacks, because she couldn't handle my dad's alcoholism and I was the easiest target on the horizon to take it out on. It's funny how HE was the one with the addiction, yet I never felt afraid or in danger because of him. SHE was always the respectable, o so moral, well put together teacher at our local high school, and I was terrified of HER my entire life. Yesterday she raged at me again for half a day because she didn't like a simple, normal question I asked her. I am 25 and these were the last holidays I ever spent with this monster.
I can understand why your father was an alcoholic.
Typical combination.
My mother taught me it's not appropriate to show ur having a good day or feel good if they're not. It's almost considered selfish to her. But when she's feeling good, why would there possibly be a good reason for me to feel horrible? It was in those times, she would irk me with empty sayings "life is short, you have to enjoy it" "I'm simple, it's doesn't take much to make me happy". So irritating.
💯💯
😢
Wow 100% agreed, suddenly its all good vibes and your the negative person when every other day they have something 2 complain about.
“Lady, you ran out of “much” long, long before I came along….”
Wow. U just described my dad
Decided to go no contact with my mom need to break the trauma bond I can’t take it anymore I deserve to heal no more
Wow same to me 😢with my ex but no contact is not 100% possible bc we have share custody of my 2 kids
@@luispaula6419 there’s this person on UA-cam her name is spiritual whistle blower she also talks about narcissistic abuse she has good content on how to co parent with a narcissist check her out she’s really good I can imagine how hard it is to co parent with a narc prayers and good luck to you 😊
How ?? 😢 I wish I could run away my country is a bigger trap
Yes, when all the bruises are inside your heart and mind, it’s hard to show people how it’s abuse. The “happens every day” is the key that makes it sooo unbelievably abusive.
THIS
My parents definitely were not worried about us kids and our well-being. They fed us and let us play sports or whatever, but it usually felt like they were doing it to seem part of society to their own benefit. No advice, no well-placed words of encouragement, little emotional connection, and no concern about our safety or comfort unless it was going to also affect them somehow. Drama was often encouraged where there didn't need to be any, though. 😕
they feed and function off dysfunction! stay strong and become stronger!💪🏾💪🏾💜
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Wow this really hit home. I went through the same experience. Once I turned 18 they were done with me.
I didn't go to my graduation ceremony at university. It was expensive for a lot of standing around all day and I thought 'I'll go if my parents show any interest'. They knew I had passed but never even asked me about the ceremony. It was quite telling. One of them did 3 months later when seeing my diploma on the wall.
My Mom was severely neglected as a child. I believe her parenting style of me, always had an underlying objective to prove to her parents that she was good at it. That she knew what she was doing. She lacked the insight to realize she was still trying to get her parents approval and attention. Although she read books before having me, to try and do better than her parents had, her lack of self worth would always hinder her abilities. When I did good, I was great. When I made mistakes, it was unacceptable. I was her reflection, the symbol of perfection she could never attain herself. And her lack of emotional control, was and still is, a terrible example of how to handle lifes obstacles.
🎯
I feel like you're describing my mum. Wow
I was told I wasn't abused even as I was regularly slapped on the face so hard my head would snap to the side and sometimes I would fall down and be concussed afterwards. But that wasn't abuse because what her mother did to her had been so much worse.
Or because other people hit their children harder or more often.
And I bet so many parents are still that way today.
You bet they are. Estranged Parent sites are overrun with these freaks screaming, rending clothes and gnashing their teeth over their “ungrateful, disrespectful, spoilt, entitled” (etc.) middle aged “brats” who finally, finally terminate the relationship with their abusers completely and back up that Boundary with law enforcement when they continue to stalk you.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Best wishes for continued healing.
Same, my mom slapped me so hard once, chipped my teeth, told me what’s the big deal, I took you to the dentist, it’s a miracle children survive with some parents
There's a common theme. The distorted notion some abusive narcissists have they can't ever be abusive compared to what they had to endure in the past.
Like that's any justification for abusive behavior to begin with.
I've even heard someone negate abusive behavior because she knew someone who's dad was a physically violent heavy alcoholic who beat her as a child.
And I was thinking: "what does this have to do with your behavior "?
They always seem to find some excuse for their own behavior somehow by pointing out even worse examples. Even if they never had to endure it themselves and only heard about it, lacking any kind of proof, it could even be some fictional gossip/slander story made up to dispatch the flying monkey's.
These people have such anger inside.
exactly. my ears still ring from all the face slaps. my neck still hurts from all the face slaps. my parents definitely had it worse than i did, but that doesn't excuse their abusing tf outta me.
This video perfectly described my life as a pacifier for my mom. I ‘ve finally gone no contact with my family at 58,because I don’t know how much time I have on the planet to live my own life!
stay strong and become stronger!💪🏾💪🏾💜
@@killadjango6995 Thank you! I will!
Im 60 years old and my mother died of heart failure a year ago. She put up with my narc father's abuse for 65 years. My two older brothers got out early, got married and had families. I stayed behind to possibly help her out of the house. I spent my life trying to get her out safely, but she believed in "till death do us part." He made sure she went first, not picking up the phones as she lay facedown on some pillows near her bed. He walked away like no big deal and was ready to go get his toenails trimmed after the paramedics hauled her out that day. They will suck the life out of you and then move on to the next victim, no guilt, no conscience, no shame. Don't waste your life on them like me and my mother did. They will never change.
honey, enjoy every minute of your life on your own terms. my parents were not narcissists, and we recovered and healed our relationship in adulthood, but they were abusive and neglectful and reared my sister to be a narcissist--i was the punching bag, the inconvenience. i was a 100% people-pleasing chameleon right up until i finally lived completely alone during the pandemic (i had been taking care of a dear family member who suddenly needed round the clock care i couldn't give because i work--thankfully, they're doing fine now but still need to live in a facility with 24/7 care). the pandemic was the first time IN MY LIFE i got to ask myself WHAT DO I WANT and then DO it. it's been 3 years now, and i swear it doesn't get old--not one bit. ENJOY EVERY MINUTE!
@@ushere5791 Thank you! Sometimes,I feel a twinge of guilt,but I MUST LIVE MY OWN LIFE BEFORE MY TIME RUNS OUT!
Since identifying my mom as a narcissist in my 50s, I'm seeing all the ways I was used and manipulated as a child (and beyond) and I just swallowed my feelings and endured it. In hindsight I can see her triangulation tactics across the whole family and how she used all of us for supply. My dad tried to create a happy family life for us and my mom took every opportunity to destroy it while playing the victim and blaming others. So many regrets over how long I put up with this.
Yes you do swallow the feelings and never talk about yourself because they use it against you , and never even asked about you or your day , but I'd always get do me favor , do me a favor . I moved at 18 and he did this til probably 30 . Do this do that I had kids and a narc husband , who is the same , I ask and ok , ok doesn't mean yes or no . You guessed it no none would do for me . Dad always needed cash as well .
Sometimes it's just easier to go along, to not make waves. But over time you realize that's all you ever do--go along. Yet your "turn" never comes, right? I'm sorry.
@@theresavanriessen1269 Exactly right. Your turn never comes. You can wait until you drop dead. They never notice that you've never had a turn because they're so busy taking for themselves.
same story I feel sad for my dad..But I always thought it was my dads problem..Never could have a great relation with him for my covert mom..Repenting my life for all these
same story...my father did his best and she would go behind everybody's back and destroy. After my dad died, I had to learn to never trust my family again.
The clever more resistant child became the black sheep because the child exposed the gaslighting of the mother and got punished for that. She favored the children who followed her commands and pleased her.
Even if we followed her command she still made me the Scape goat why is it that ?? My sis is the GC
That was my childhood in a nutshell. By the time I was in Grade 7, I realized that my father was literally toxic to my mental health and actually told my mother that I wanted nothing to do with him. However she refused to believe me or accept the boundaries I was trying to set. For the next 30+ years, she kept pushing & guilting me to spend time with him in spite of my feelings. As an adult, I often find myself in toxic situations and have trouble getting.myself out of them.
I lived exactly your same experience 😢
grade 7 is when i started cutting contact with my dad too! fuckin enablers. thats another type of narc in my opinion
My family is full of gasligtih people
My mother cannot comprehend the fact that it is not my obligation to regulate her emotions and make her feel better, she thinks i have to constantly pander and walk egg shells around her. She can't handle anything let alone the tiniest bit of transparency and then wonders why I'm so 'indifferent' and 'cold'. It doesn't matter what i do whether it's feverently playing the servant to her every whim, being her ever affirming echochamber, constantly giving reassurance and support, or whether I'm dispondant or depressed or completely numb to everything she throws at me. It is all the same regardless, there is no normal she will always be the victim-bully the oppressed/oppressor she crafts this twisted double standard around her wiry insecurities and throws wall- eyed fits if people don't let her just do what she wants without consequence.
Honest and truthful. I can relate and I have had enough.
I was physically abused by my father to a very serious level. I lived in a constant state of terror until my parents divorce. After that I was with my N mother.
As a kid who experienced both, I will tell you that the physical abuse was MUCH easier to process and overcome. It was so blatant. All of society's messaging clearly told me that what was done to me was wrong. The most difficult thing to fix was the stupid flinching whenever someone made a sudden movement. That took me years, but was more frustrating for me than anything. It's damn difficult to stop a reflex.
But the narcissistic abuse was so much more insidious. People thought my mother was *wonderful*. Nobody worried about me. Even when the school found out that we were homeless and that I was eating out of dumpsters with no medical care, they didn't help me. They felt sorry for my publicly charismatic mother.
After I got away from my father, I never looked back. It was easy.
It took me decades to leave my mom. I felt such guilt. She had me so convinced that she was dependent on me, and that if I left, she'd literally die. I was so sick of the refusal to accept the smallest boundary and the never ending need to feed her with time, attention, THINGS. And even that wasn't enough.
She had to drive me to a literal nervous breakdown for my family to intervene and get me away from her. My own guilt and shame were too ingrained to do it on my own. Then it was two freaking YEARS of therapy to begin to see how she shaped, twisted, and warped my sense of self. How she robbed me of my confidence. How she robbed me of my accomplishments.
The one positive is that I was so accustomed to self-sacrifice that I was a FANTASTIC mother. I literally drove myself to sickness putting my family ahead of myself.
I will NEVER fully recover myself from that abuse. It's been ingrained in me for a lifetime. I am trying to enjoy MY time for the first time without guilt or shame for whatever time I have left.
trying to focus on me for once as well
i hope you do fully recover. my parents were abusive and neglectful but not narcissistic (although they reared my sister to be a narcissist). over time, the three of us healed our relationship, and we all became very close. but back in the day, virtually all parents hit their kids--and my parents hit me a lot. i'll never forget one time i was out with my dad in a store at the check-out line, and he made a sudden movement to scratch his ear, and i flinched HARD. and he was embarrassed because he knew that anyone who saw me flinch would realize that i was used to him hitting me. annoyed, he said, "stop flinching!" so, sassy 12-yr-old truth teller that i was, i said, "then stop hitting me!" and he said, "ehhh, you're getting too old to hit." rly? i thought...then maybe i can stop living in constant terror...?
This is not an uncommon feeling for women in controlling, manipulative relationships (coercive control). They will often say it would’ve been better if there was physical assault, and you explain why so succinctly. The twisted mind games are so much harder to overcome. But it’s just as abusive!
I was raised in a mental and physical abuse riddled home. As a young child I knew it was wrong, and through the years I spoke out. I was 6. From that point on I was considered the bad child. My siblings were raised thinking all the stresses of family and life were all caused by me. I know this is untruth, but they still try to hold that storyline. I finally walked away after 48 years of feeling I owed loyalty to family. My words of strength right now in my life.. “watch me go, from here I grow”
to anyone else dealing with narcissistic family or loved ones.. you won’t fix it.. you do not owe them anything. You do owe yourself kindness❤
Not every situation is hopeless. I spent most of my adult years working on forgiving my mom for her extreme emotional abuse of me. I was her whipping boy. As a teen, I tried to find mothers day cards that had no expressions of love or closeness, because I felt such dislike, bordering on hatred. With God's help, I reached a place of love and am cherishing the short time she has left. She's still a narcissist, but I'm no longer a child. I see her clearly for who she was to me, but I have finally worked out a loving relationship with her, which is priceless to me. She still can be vicious and irrational, but I don't succomb to it. I can separate her behaviors from her as a person, knowing her fears and insecurities that drive her behavior. I'm so grateful I don't have to carry around bitterness, hatred, and guilt anymore. I feel I've salvaged a love I always wanted as a sad, scared, little girl. It's not always hopeless, but it takes years of emotional work. Your inner child will be filled with joy if you can manage to retrieve your love orut of the wreckage.
I couldn't go visit my sisters without a fight ensuing and then when I did leave one time...I worried the whole time that he would attack our daughter
I remember when I told her about my sexual abuse she would watch movies and TV series (abuse content) everyday in front of me and I would scream, cry and shout at her...telling her to watch something else...
She always had this evil grin on her face...
Malignant narcissist (I don't feel like calling her a mother)
It's been a couple of months since I cut ties...
These flashbacks keep me busy... Haa😅
I'm glad it's over
Keep strong. A normal loving person would NEVER do that, as you know. God Bless 💖
My bio-logical sperm donor was named James... His wife I know to be as my bio-"NOTher"!
@@nmc1859 Thank you💜 God bless you too🙏🏼
@@keithstewart7514 you had me at "biological sperm donor"😅
I , myself , know about that " evil grin " ...malignant narcs enjoy causing pain and suffering . They just absolutely love hearing you cry , watching the tears drip off your chin , they love your confusion and sadness .
They love to see your misery .
I wish you well - Dr. Ramani is the best .
She helps us ..
I lived with my narc aunt for too long. Every time I wanted to move out it was "You can't live on your own. You'll never make it. You'll struggle and suffer and fail" etc etc
Now what i hear from her is "Why don't you ever visit?"
“Because I’m too busy enjoying the peace of my own life sans YOU.”
Yes, thats classic narcissistic infantalization. I grew up with my aunt and grandmother and was treated the same. They made my life a living hell and completly destroyed my self confidence, made me terrified just of tought of going to any job interview. Aunt also used me to take care of her old mother for free, so she doesnt have to pay anyone else. I am moving out in few months at the age of 32, changing country and I am still terified of what they might do to sabotage me, but I cant live like this anymore. It's worse than prison.
Congratulations!! Yes, stay far away from anyone who belittles you. The disrespect & lies.
Doctor you’ve just described my childhood and adolescence. I grieve my condition now since my narcissistic mom put churches after me as if I were the one who is sick…
Yes my mom used to say things like I'm telling the pastors what you did.
Church and religion 😠😠😠
Religion only makes the abuser worse. I heard I had to be obedient constantly. Narcissistic parents want you to submit to them forever.
When I told another church member and family member about the abuse I was going through some people in family and church came for me, for real!😳😭😡😵💫 It's taken time amd even sometimes I have to break away and take a breather, the flying monkey 🐒 who choose not to see 🙈 they aren't God. Those people suck, literally because they suck truth out and away for the false stories fitting the reality they want to amplify. And what these flying monkeys 🐒 don't realize that I started to is, they also are being used, playing a part in the toxic gameboard. None of this was your fault.
Same! It is sickening to see the people in the church that think shes a saint!
My dad became very uninterested in me as a teen because I started to develop my own sense of self. He was extremely neglectful.
As an adult, I am only now discovering how much damage my narcissistic single mother had on my own development and lack of boundaries. Publicly, I was seen as an extension of her, a product of her 'successful' parenting. For years she would take credit for my education and career choices, but secretly be jealous, envious and resentful. I was constantly compared to my 'golden child' sibling and criticised privately at any opportunity. I have finally gone no contact last year and although I sometimes grieve not having a loving mother, I don't miss the relationship I had.
Good on you. It must have been a very hard decision but you need to put yourself first . They don’t change and I bet your mother can’t understand why you’ve dropped contact…. It’s never they’re fault (in their opinion) ☺️
Watching this with tears in my eyes, cause I was already having a terrible time and just had my daily fight with that woman I am supposed to call "mom". Almost 20 years of this, amazing
Narcissist: Gives you a gift then abuses you right after.
You: Hey you just abused me.
Narcissist: What are you talking about I just gave you a gift.
You: Thanks for the gift but you hurt me right after.
Narcissist: Wow. How selfish can you be? I'm trying to help you, I'm try to be mice, and you're choosing to ruin everything by focusing on the negative. It's no wonder you have so many problems. Try focusing on the positives for once and see if your life gets better. You should be grateful I got you anything at all.
I get I deserve it lol
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Yes it really makes sense
Everyone gets someone a gift...what is such a big deal about it.
I am finding it difficult to even listen to this because I clearly haven’t processed the trauma. I’m in my 30s and my mother is still so over-involved. However, I am so thankful for everything you do because it truly validates the sheer horror of growing up with this abuse day in and day out. To think that a mother could inflict this on their own daughter. Reading through this comments section makes me feel less alone
The part about how looking back at the childhood you would never think of it as abuse as long as it wasn't physical is so true. The first time I realized/was told it's abuse was for me in therapy when my therapist pointed out to me that that behavior of my mom is emotional abuse. Realizing and accepting that is so important to move forward from there ❤
Survived two narcissistic parents. Mom was a vulnerable narcissist, ever the victim and dad was a grandiose communal narcissist. If I wasn’t being flat out ignored, I was criticized, called ugly and affection was just a reward if I jumped through impossible hoops to please them, regulate their egos. I so lived in fear, full of anxiety and even by age 5 I knew this couldn’t be normal. He cheated, they’d fight, he’d threaten to leave and say we could starve. She retreated to hypochondriac behavior, sleeping and depression. We kids were a burden, a prop to be paraded about when social norms dictated. They both made it clear that we had no right to have any needs other than clothing, food and housing and we were to be damned grateful for that. The world can be cruel and home should be a refuge but my childhood, my “home” was the source of emotional trauma. They’re both dead now and I honestly don’t miss them. I tell myself they can’t hurt me anymore.
I can feel you, I hope you will heal one day ❤
Narcissistic Parents are just a whole bunch of selfish, immature people who had children.
A therapist I saw told me that we do not keep track of abuse or trauma. I’d felt “bad” because I was battling depression and felt I had no right to be depressed. I hadn’t been “abused badly as some kids suffered”. Abuse is just that, just as trauma is. Take care of yourself folks. Self care is necessary and important.
I just can't watch the rest of this. It touches too many nerves and I feel physically in pain. At the time, I had no idea what was happening. Maybe I will come back to it later, when I am stronger. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I've got a long way to go.
Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, today cptsd, at age 34 when I first had the courage to seek help. Almost 20 years later not much has changed except that I seem to have have grown out of the debilitating anxiety I endured most of my life: no trust, no feeling like I belong, etc. My ex husband used to say 'stop feeling sorry for yourself'. These clips are super helpful, thank you Dr Ramani
Spot on when it comes to my mother. For example she cried and hit me at the age of 5-6, for not spendning more time with her instead of my friends. Or she could cry and say she would never come back, and then leave the house coming back some hours later like nothing happend. Growing up, shame and guilt has eaten up my other feelings. Finally at the age of 43 i´m starting to letting go of those feelings and allowing me to feel better about myself.
My mother cried carried on and got mad about me playing with friends too. I remember this started when i was around 9. I knew something was 'off'. Now i know wjat it was
stay strong and become stronger!💪🏾💪🏾💜
What bothers me is that a lot of people go through this mostly after 40, usually after therapy that they had to engage in due to current problems but actually due to unresolved childhood issues, makes me think that therapy should be mandatory maybe after child finishes school, if not earlier, so you don’t have to struggle for the big chunk of your life to figure it out
I didn t know my parents and brother are narcissists, until I was 38 years old. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I didn t understand where that came from. Even though I had severe anxiety and severe insomnia for most of my life. I couldn t hold myself together anymore after a narcissistic ex and my narc mother discarded me. I finally found out about narcissism and a life long of abuse that I ve been through.
Not from my therapist, but by doing self study. I finally got it....their constant temper tantrums and rage, my mom who used me as her friend and psychologist from age 12, all of their fights, their contempt for me, their neglect of me, their paranoia, their discards...it all started to make sense. I would definitely call this abuse! And I still carry the consequences from it...severe cptsd. But back then, I didn t even know this was abuse!
Man this resonated so deep. When I was 5 my mom would tell me her trauma & I wouldn't know what to think of it. She would keep me up past midnight when she was drunk so she could unload her life on me. It was overwhelming as a child
Shame. No child or younger person should be told about their parent's problems.
One thing I find strange looking back at my childhood with a narcissistic mom is that we never did kid stuff. No bouncy parks or ball pits or playgrounds or Chucky Cheese. It was just me essentially accompanying her to her adult gatherings with no kid activities, as if she never adapted her life to having a kid. Even our house growing up , it didn’t really look like a kid lived there, unless you happen to walk into my bedroom.
Wow! That’s so true but I never thought about that until I read your comment
White walls, white desk/bed/cubbord. No other colors.
Toys were played with and then put away so noone could see them.
A medical ward had more life and love then that room.
OMG I never even thought about this but went through the same exact thing! We always went to parties with her work friends, or ran errands but no "kid stuff".
Thank you.still trying to heal from my narcissistic mom.sending ❤and support to all.xx
Thank you for this video. Let's call a spade a spade, this is abuse but many people fail to get what you went through and how it has affected all aspects of your life. i had to wait until the age of 57 to understand I had been abused by a narc mother, I was just her tool, an ear, a mirror, an extension of herself. I have been working on this for 6 years now and I have a message of hope for childhood trauma survivors, you can heal! Bonjour from France.
Thank you for speaking the truth. A tool is most accurate, you have to be useful. At the age of 57, I am choosing to be purposeful. Thank you for the hope that I can heal and live a good life. I just don't believe God would create me for a lifetime of unhappiness.
As a psychologist, I found this video on how narcissistic parents "misuse" their children to be incredibly insightful and informative. It's important to recognize that children of narcissistic parents often grow up in an environment that is emotionally and psychologically abusive, and that this can have long-lasting effects on their self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. It's also worth noting that healing from the effects of narcissistic abuse can be a complex and challenging process, and that working with a trained mental health professional can be extremely helpful.
Had to go no contact…I was 19. 64 now and that was the beginning of healing for me. Didn’t know it at the time and it’s taken until now to really heal, but I do not regret that decision to leave.
Their biggest trigger phrase is, "You're crazy." They want to see how far they can push you all while they stay calm. It is truly terrifying. They want you to explain yourself. To convince them you are not cra*y. They are taking mental notes. I've seen that smirk after I poured my heart to them. They'll use it against you quickly and easily. I told something that bad happened to me about 5 years ago to one of my brothers and he laughed.
My mom used to come to my college apartment and buy groceries or make dinner for me and my roommates to look like a “loving” mother. What I realized afterwards is that she wanted to live vicariously through me for her own happiness
Wish I knew this 50 years ago. But understanding now is really useful.
It’s subtle gestures that try to control you ..being looked up and down knowing it’s judgment . Being told “ I don’t have any money knowing it means they don’t want you to enjoy yourself or spend any either .
I just came back from an emotional flashback to exactly this. I’m an accomplished 40 yr old and I felt like my 7 yr old self being punished for being happy or sad, as long as it is the opposite emotion of my parents, it didn’t matter. As long as I was who I was, I was punished because I didn’t fit the role of a simple pawn. The worst of my flashback today was the slow acceptance that my older siblings whom I really loved, used me to get ahead in the game, without any remorse for how it would affect my 7yr old self. I am an unwanted child of my siblings, and used as a punishing tool to my siblings through jealousy, favouritism and illogical comparison to deemed “non-performing siblings” whom were just as abused. I haven’t cried so much like that in years and I literally felt like a child. I have so much more compassion for the young me than before, including the adult me now that becomes triggered into the young-me-state due to untethered Pavlovian reactions. The emotional flashback today was really tough, and I am thankful for it that it further strengthens my resolve to go through this challenging healing process and to go no contact.
exactly. you were a mere object to them--a little play toy. heaven forbid the toy actually exhibit a modicum of agency! if you're too happy--WHACK! too sad--WHACK! if you say something, anything--WHACK! i'm profoundly sorry that not only your parents but your own siblings betrayed you so thoroughly. may you find all the healing you need, and rest assured that you are loved and the world is a far better place because YOU are in it, just as you are.
Thank you Dr Ramani. This video really resonated with me. I, being the scapegoat, had so much heaped upon me beginning probably age 8-9. Started with ironing…moved to caring for baby sister…dishes, laundry, cooking, all the household chores by the time I was a freshman in high school. It was so very heavy and didn’t seem normal to me. She stated repeatedly “the oldest girl has all the responsibilities”. One of her many lies.
Me too. When I left home at 20, she called and cried and begged me to come back. I said nope. Do not regret it.
You said that narcissistic parents may become completely detached and disinterested once their child hit adulthood, but for my narcissistic parent the threshold was when I was 14 and my sibling was 11. I remember them outright saying to me that now that we'd "grown up" we have to be responsible adults. I was so confused at that time because I still wanted to be their child, and I feel like I didn't get enough love in my childhood when I most needed it as a teenager.
All of the above. I’m the 10th of 11 siblings. Dad was a narcissist and abusive emotionally, physically, and sexually. My parents claimed all of my successes as their own. He refused to let me accept a full scholarship to college because he saw it as charity that reflected poorly on him. He told me that I would never be anything more than he was. I was the peacekeeper and diplomat from a young age. Constant chaos in my home. I don’t know how I survived.
My both parents are narcissistic. whenever i watch your video i can fully relate to my childhood and ongoing abuses. In my childhood i thought it was always my fault and always felt guilty. I doubted myself and sometimes even doubt myself today (I'm 29). When i watch your explanations it kind of gives a soothing balm on my cuts. I know i have a long road to heal myself. Just know you are doing a marvelous job to mankind. Thank you from bottom of my heart from India 🇮🇳❤
Narcissistic parents are experts at gaslighting - they manipulate our perception of the truth. They shame and guilt us when we begin to question their treatment of us. They place the blame on us, instead of ourselves. It likely explains the feelings of doubt, fault and guilt that you have today. I was abused by my mother (she is extremely violent) and I developed PTSD as a consequence. Therapy is helping to piece me back together. It isn’t easy and it takes time, but it does work. Is therapy something that you might be able to access? I hope that your years ahead bring happiness, peace and safety… all of the things you deserve after such a difficult childhood. x (P.S: My boyfriend is from India! I’m sending all of my love and greetings to you and your country! 🙂)
Don't give up! At 85 years, I'm NOW dealing with these issues...and gaining success. It's been a long road AND it's worth the peace of mind.
and to know I am NOT crazy!
@@deedoyle4069 yes... At the end of the day we must be kind to ourselves.... This battle for mental peace is worth fighting for! I'll not give up. ... Thank you for reminding me! World needs kind people like you! ❤💜
💯% accurate 👏👏👏...I stopped getting to be a child, & became my mother's/sibling's parent, when I was 4. That was even more complicated by a malignant narc abusive dad who WAS physically abusive...so it took me 40 years to recognize my mom was also "abusive." 💔
Thriving now...🗽
stay strong and become stronger!!💪🏾💪🏾💜
What would have helped you through those childhood years?
My grandchildren are being co-parented (court-ordered) by a narc dad from whom my daughter escaped.
I would like to find some strategies to help them cope now with the abuse we know they are experiencing while in his “care”.
@@Cara657 Honestly, I have a similar situation with my nephews/niece...their mom, my sister, is a convert narc & raising them the same way we were. She has blocked my family from seeing/talking to them.
What I learned from my own experience is to challenge the fake "reality" that is painted for them by continuing to be truthful & confront with actual reality. So, I send the kids birthday/Christmas presents & notes, as well as pictures of us so they know we love them & want to be in their lives. I don't go along with my sister's narrative & my notes reflect the truth. I also try to send experiences of things that remind them of me, & my sister of our childhood. In example, a favorite vintage book, with a personal note to them incorporating a childhood memory of mine that includes their mom, & an art project. She'll have to get rid of my gift to take me out of their every day lives but that would reflect poorly on her, so she won't.
As a child, some of the hardest words to hear were that my dad was a "psychopath or sociopath!" But as I grew older, I began to process what those words meant & recognize that my dad WAS one of those! As for awakening to my mom's abuse, having people show me genuine, unconditional, love & affection as well as using encouraging words to build me up, & being around normal, kind, family dynamics, THAT was what helped me to recognize her actions didn't match her words & she wasn't loving me.
REALITY grounds abuse victims to challenge their internal, scripted dialogue! Sooner than later, it will wake them up!
Sorry you're dealing with these horrible circumstances. 💔
- Silence yourself to suit their needs, you have to be “USEFUL”, trying your best to easy the tension, to please them
- guilt, anxiety, shame, sadness, fear
- guilt tripping, manipulative, threatening
- no boundary, no privacy, no genuine care other than benefiting them
- has no genuine care/love in you as a human being other than what it can benefit them
- look down upon you
- deny the reality & facts, minimize the damage
- Prioritize their needs
- Competes with you
- invalidate your trauma and their abuse
I wasn't aware it was abuse (45 years old) until my sister became a mother herself and had to go to therapy because of my narc mom's treatment, and then she told me and we began to talk about all this. We have always thought that's normal behavior for a family and even now I can't talk about it with all my siblings because when you have experienced this all your life it's not easy to see it. These videos have been so great for me, I have learned so much. To understand what my life has been, to choose the correct therapist, to know what to expect from her, to assume that there's never going to be a change... Thank you, Doctor Ramani. Thank you so much. You have saved my life, and I really mean it.
You have nailed it dr Ramani. It is time we stopped pacifying grown-up people who can not regulate their emotions. It is their job to take care of their maturation process. Thank you❤
When they say they’re gonna kick u out and don’t need you but when u try to get a job so you can move out they make it impossible to do so. Even threatening to kick u out if u get a job in my case. Then laughing at how you’ll be homeless if u do so.
Sounds EXACTLY like my dad!!!!!
Exactly like my mom she has everyone against me it’s been 2 years since I blocked her and change my number i don’t want nothing to do with her or her side of the family
Thank you for reminding me of this aspect of my mother’s behavior. Isn’t this part of the confusing gaslighting?
Both my parents were misusing me as a child. As an adult I tend to feel the need to be the one regulating people around me. As if that’s my only value. I got severely sick, and my mom got mad at me for not being able to take responsibility for her feelings. That’s when I started putting up boundaries for her. My father is more malignant so I cut him off and went no contact. My goal is to grow my own maturity and working on my relationship with my adult kids.
I read a book called "Daughter Detox" and this supports it, 100%! And yes, I can tell you this is exactly what I grew up with! I was the middle child and the scapegoat and the inconvenience. Manipulation and guilt trips, yes. I have it easier and I owe for my childhood, yes. I have to serve others, yes. Never taught me boundaries, yes. Everything was in the name of my parents, always! Betrayal, yes, and it's money. If I cannot make my parent money, the parent sees me worthless.
Being different was like a sin in my home, no one understood me and I was constantly told how different I was from my mom. Nothing i did was ever good enough. I didn't know at the time i was being silenced. I lost myself trying to be the perfect child but nothing was enough. I'm now working on my healing, And it is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Now I'm starting to think my deceased mom also experienced the same thing. You've helped make sense of my life and to pick myself up and finally focus on me. Thank you for that Doc❤
stay strong and become stronger!!💪🏾💪🏾💜
They are not The Most High, they don't determine what is sin. It's all ego, pride & lies.
I needed to hear this today after last night's "conversation" with my mom. Thank you.
It’s not just my childhood, it has also been my entire adulthood… and it still happens IF I go around my parents-which is practically never. I have literally had to completely separate myself from them. I mentally have steel walls built up all around me just to keep my mental sanity in place. I love my parents, but the things that have been said and done… all the misuse… I won’t forget… I can’t forget… because that’s what protects me from them.😢
im trying to heal from surviving a narcissistic mother my entire life and this channel helped immensely. but she discovered this channel and it hurts knowing she's probably watching these videos that describe her behavior yet find a way to project it onto me.
now that I think about it this explains a lot about my teenhood. as a child I was very obedient and never questioned them on anything. I was the easy child, the only way I fell short was my grades. I was am above average student, but not straight As like my sister. But when I started to develop my own identity, found my own interests etc., things got so, so much harder. I started to feel like I was getting more mature than my parents. I would walk away from discussions feeling drained, but they were filled with joy and energy. When we fought, I was helping them regulate their negative emotions, all the while taking verbal abuse and blame for how they felt. My needs and emotions do not matter to them at all. I've realized that I've always been their way of regulating their emotions and coping (but not actually) with the flaws they don't like about themselves. They seemed to only see the bad in me in private but kept up the facade of love in public.
Narcissistic parents are a tough, unecessary challenge in life.
But if you understand those issues and survive it, you grow out really strong out of it.
You learn to know what you really want, who you really are, and by that, you know your bondaries....and you also know to separate between people that are "on the same wave" as you and understand you....and people that are not "on the same wave" as you and don't understand you. Between people that show respect towards you and people that utterly disrespect you.
💯🙏
Can you give any advice as to how to help a 6 year old & 4 year old who are currently being co-parented by the most evil narc dad?
They have disclosed his abusive behaviour but so far no one in authority is willing to change the court order that forces them into his “care” twice a week. It’s heartbreaking to watch them suffer.
I feel like all narcissists should have a journey at the North sea where there are huge waves
I was raised with a narc father. From the time I was born, I was an extension of him. Constantly raging at me for not knowing enough, expecting me to be like a little adult, emotional blackmail, making me cry, belittling me, and on it goes up into my young adulthood. I have been oddly attracted to those who treat me the same way, in hopes of "taming" that behavior subconsciously. It has taken me a lifetime to finally figure it out. Now I am stuck in a horrible marriage with a narc.
Leave.
Narc parents expect you to know how to do everything, their precious time can't be used to bring you up, sorry for your circumstances, I wish you well.
@@mysticpizza02 I did get divorced a few months ago, and unfortunately my father passed away recently. Both were difficult but I am moving forward.
Yes! I'm 27 now and my parents still don't want me to move out, which is ridiculous. To others, they proudly say that their adult children still live with them. But that's definitely not because we like them so much.
And boundaries? What's that?
Ugh. Not good. Hopefully things turn around soon
Run or they'll keep you until they pass away.
@@BrookeLynn-sr6vy Absolutely agree. Run.....and Don't look back!
@@BrookeLynn-sr6vyvery true
If anyone reads this, please know you matter. YES, YOU. No matter what has happened to you in the past, you have control today. You are not anyone’s emotional punching bag. You are strong, worthy, amazing and everything all these jealous and unworthy people could not appreciate. Stand high because you were always the winner and cut these people out of your life if they are toxic. I don’t care if it’s your mother, brother or your significant other. PROTECT YOUR PEACE. If you have children, protect their childhood and protect them from people who mistreated you, because next, they will come after your kids to berate and turn them against you. Watch as many of these videos that dr Ramani and others put out for you to learn from. You have the power. Protect yourself and protect your peace!!!
How do you protect children who are forced (court-ordered) to be co-parented by a narc?
🙇 Thank you!
Can't wait to watch this one, yes a narcissistic mom
My mother used silent treatment on us kids from when we still basically were toddlers. Entire days could go by where the only communicaton was "a look that could kill". She was both a covert narcissist and an autistic. As evil as it gets.
Something that helped break the ice for me in using the word "abuse" was recognizing myself in lists of abuse symptoms. "If you feel X, it's from Y and is a reaction to abuse. Example: limerence is a result of severe childhood emotional neglect." I never would have thought that from descriptions of said neglect.
You Rock, Ramani. Wicked smart, insightful, and an excellent Teacher. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community.
It's always felt like abuse, but it felt so wrong to use that word because, yes, it's typically associated with some form of physical and sexual abuse. Also, the fact that no one else witnesses it and believes the parents to be angelic is further isolating. I internalized the shame and blame a long time ago and it's my immediate emotional response to anything. I'm 51. And I just don't know how to end this emotional habit.
I developed chronic anxiety disorder due to my narc mom & being alone with no one to believe or turn to. I always prayed to be far from her and I am now healing, married and living in a different country. My mental health is getting better and i am seeing how wonderful life could be. I maintained contact by a few messages or phone call each year to avoid being labeled bad things but i know being in a different country altogether makes it much easier to just keep contact to a bare minimum. Distance from her is my only way to heal and be happy. And now i am hearing that she's trying to create chaos in my brothers' relationships. Thank god i am free from all of it.
Thank you for giving a voice to all of us who have felt like we have no voice. “No one will ever understand what I’ve been through.” is how we feel.
Thank you so much for giving the gift of calm and understanding .
Guilt shame disappointment and telling us we were selfish, my parents mantras!🙁
Relatable.
Learning to heal from narcissistic parent. Boundaries still blurred and zero respect. I was to not make a sound or peep. I am speaking my truth now. Thank you for sharing and very helpful.
I needed this so much tonight. I am seeing my narcissistic, immature adoptive father for the first time in 4 months tomorrow for Easter. I have building my skills toolbox over the past months, but I am feeling very anxious that I am going to lose control tomorrow and make things worse. I'm in it alone with him, and I can use all the backup I can get. Thank you for making these videos frequent and free for those of us in need of support and education.
i’m in a similar situation but it’s with my biological ndad. Try to stay calm as much as you can. Dont overshare and prep your mind to get in there with 0 expectations with how it would turn out (good or bad). Deep inhale/exhale all the way and think twice before saying anything/nothing. Good luck!
don’t go
Stay far away from him.
I would offer you this bit of advice from another great therapist on UA-cam (Patrick Teahan who specializes in childhood trauma). If you're able to go no contact with an abusive parent or family member (and really this goes for any kind of abusive relationship) and an opportunity like what you're describing comes up; you need to remember and think about what they did to you and how it made you feel, think about the progress you're making and want to continue to make, now ask yourself if you want to jeopardize your well being and progress by engaging with this person again. You already know who they are, trust yourself and put yourself first. Good luck, and I suggest checking Patrick's videos out.
watching this video and reading some of these comments is incredibly heartbreaking. It has taken me years, decades to recognize the damage and the unnecessary suffering my mother has made me and my sister go through. We both had it differently and it has affected us in different ways, but for the first time I'm having the courage to come out and admit to myself and to anyone willing to listen, what a crippling experience it has been. At the end, the most difficult part is to wrestle with the truth, accepting the fact that my mother will NEVER change, or EVER acknowledge her damaging behavior. He narcissism has cost me relationships, I became addicted to substances like pain killers, just to cope with the never ending abuse. The insane part of all this is that most people who know her have absolutely no idea, none at all. They think she's charming, beautiful, successful, kind, generous - it's mind blowing. My father, bless his heart, has been a prisoner to her abuse as well, but because he pretty much grew up without a father or a healthy present mother, he is the perfect provider and the perfect co-dependent. My mission in life now is to find a way to heal and to connect with people who can understand this issue from a personal experience. I am in the need of desperate help !!!
I started to experience this type of thing, when I was 19 and my mother remarried, after years of being single, after her last 2 marriages. As I was just coming into adulthood, I thought we had a good relationship, I was the closest sounding board she had and I’d also become accustomed to talking at length with my grandmother over the phone. All 3 of us were sounding boards for each other. But I was the main problem repository.
Over the course of time, was when my mother’s dependency on me, personally and professionally, began to become malignant, with it finally being one of my livelihood obviously being competition that she’d wanted to destroy.
That is when I began to learn about narcissism and oh boy was it a match. That the parent I and everyone had long thought to be the perfect parent, that everyone wanted and that I should be grateful for, was actually a sick monster. I still know and believe she had a great many wonderful qualities and that the struggles and disappointment of life caused her to spiral into a very dark spirit though. I also knew that I owed it to myself, to save myself from her.
I’m in the subset that ended up with PTSD 😔 and I totally was that person who felt like the abuse label was too harsh, despite actually feeling abused 🤦🏾♀️
Me too, I’m pretty sure I ended up CPTSD. The triggers are an absolute nightmare